Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996) - full transcript

This is cool.

Argh. Ow!

Cut it out, butt-head.

Whoa.

Uh...

Hey, baby.

I'm, like, pretty tall.

Damn it.
Cut it out, I'm trying to score.

You bungholes.

Hey, baby, how's it going?

- Hey, hey, hey.
- No way, Beavis. I saw her first.



Damn it! I'm gonna kick your ass.

I saw her first. Get out of here.

Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head.

Oh, no. Butt-Head, Butt-Head, wake up.

Butt-Head.

Damn it, Beavis.

I was about to score.

Yeah, but check it out.

It's gone.

Uh...

- What?
- The TV.

Oh, yeah.

Well, where is it?

I don't know.
I just woke up and it was gone.



And look, the window's broken, too.

- We'll get 100 bucks for this baby.
- Oops.

No.

Mm.

- Uh...
- Oh, no.

Uh...

- No.
- Uh...

No.

Uh...

Whoa. I think I just figured
something out, Beavis.

What?

This sucks.

Yeah. It really sucks.

This sucks more than anything
that has ever sucked before.

We must find this butt-hole
that took our TV.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

A couple of mean guys

With a fire in their eyes

Known by the names of

Beavis and Butt-Head

Yeah

They'll chew you up and spit you out

Beyond a doubt

It pays not to mess with

Beavis and Butt-Head

You got it

If you cross Beavis and Butt-Head

They will throw down
and blow your ass away

Know what I'm saying?

Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis and Butt-Head

Oh, yes

Uh... It's not in here.

What are we gonna do, Butt-Head?
What if we never find it?

Settle down, Beavis.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where are we going?

I don't want to go to school.
We gotta find our TV.

Shut up, Beavis. I got an idea.

Let's just wheel this thing
back to the house.

Yeah.

Hey, excuse me, boys.
What's going on here?

- Uh... Someone stole our TV.
- Yeah. We're just gonna use this one.

Get out of the way.

I'm afraid that TV belongs
to the school, okay?

You know, this could be a really
positive experience for you guys.

There's a wonderful
and exciting world out there

when we discover that we don't
need TV to entertain us.

He said, "Anus."

Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.

Have you guys heard a word I've said?

- Uh, yeah. Anus.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I heard it, too.

Look, guys, just take the TV back
to the AV room right now.

And try to be a little more open
to life experiences, okay?

- What a dork.
- Yeah, yeah.

Get it over here.

Wait a minute, no. No!

- That was cool.
- No, it wasn't!

Uh... Oh, yeah.

What's going on out here?

Oh, no!

- That belongs to the school.
- Oh, no.

Yeah.
It's supposed to be in the AV room.

- Wasn't our fault.
- Get back here.

Beavis and Butt-Head,
you're both expelled!

Cool.

Whoa, check it out, Beavis.

I didn't know Anderson had a camper.

Yeah. Maybe it'll have a TV.

Oh, hello.

Are you boys here
to look at the refrigerator?

Uh... No.

We're here to look at the TV.

Oh, Tom didn't tell me it was broken.
Go on in.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Well, that ought to hold her.

You know, the most important thing
you can have on a camper

is a good butane regulator.

And this here's the best one
they make.

I sure hope
we can get that fridge fixed.

Now, Marcie, we've been planning

and saving up for this trip
our whole lives,

and we're gonna go
come hell or high water.

What in the hell is that?

Must be them damn buzzard hawks.

Let's get something to drink.

AH.

This crap is warm.

Beavis, you butt-hole. You broke it.

No, no! Damn it!

Hey, what the hell's going on here?

They're here to fix the TV, Tom.

What? The TV ain't broken.

- Yeah, it is.
- Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.
You two look kind of familiar.

Ain't you them kids that have been
whacking off in my tool shed?

We still don't have a TV, Butt-Head.

I know, Beavis.

Damn it, I can't sleep without a TV.

Dumb-ass.

No.

Help. Help me.

No, no.

What's your problem, Beavis?

I need TV. I need TV now.

Damn it.

Whoa. TV.

Yeah, yeah, TV.

TV. Yeah.

Damn it.

Uh... No.

Damn it.

Uh... No.

Are you sure these guys
can pull this off, Earl?

It's got to look like an accident.

Oh, yeah.

Beavis and Butt-Head!
You little bastards!

- Can we watch your TV?
- No! You're expelled.

Now, get out of here!

Wait a minute.
Damn it, I need a TV now.

We're missing everything.

Yeah, hold on a minute.
That must be them now.

Yeah, I'll call you back.

Come in.

TV. Yeah.

You're late.

Really? Did we miss Baywatch?

Man, Earl said you guys
were young, but, jeez.

Oh, well,
as long as you can get the job done.

What are your names?

Uh, Butt-Head.

Oh, I'm Beavis.

Well, that's all right.

I'd rather not know
your real names, anyway.

Mine's Muddy.

Now, look,
I'm gonna get right to the point.

I'll pay you ten grand plus expenses,
all payable after you do her.

Uh...

- Do her?
- That's right, do her.

I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses
to do my wife.

We got a deal?

Actually, we just want to watch TV.

Shut up, Beavis. Uh...

Yeah, we'll do your wife.

No! I wanna watch TV! Argh!

Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch.

This guy wants us to score
with his wife,

and he's gonna pay us.

We can buy a new TV.

Really? Cool.

Uh...

We'll do it, sir.

Well, all right, then.
Let's get down to business.

Here she is, boys.

Her name's Dallas.
She ain't as sweet as she looks.

She stole everything from me.

You gotta watch out,

'cause she'll do you
twice as fast as you do her.

Whoa.

Cool.

Yeah.

She's holed up in a room in Las Vegas.

I got you a room right next to hers.

Your flight leaves in an hour.

Come on,
I'll drive you to the airport.

"Holed up."

Hole.

Oh, man, can we watch some TV first?

No.

Now, you listen to me,
and this is real important.

My wife's got this leather satchel.

It's a black bag about this big.
I need you to bring it back, boys.

Sentimental value,
you know what I mean?

Any questions so far?

Uh, does she have big hooters?

Yeah. Yeah, she sure does.

This is gonna be cool.

Yeah.

Boing!

Hey, you guys are funny.
Let's have a drink on it, eh?

Now, don't let me down.

We're gonna get paid to score.

Yeah.
Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV

with two remotes.

Beavis, this is
the greatest day of our lives.

Yeah.

Here you are.

Hey, Beavis, she touched my butt.

Oh, hello, there.

Are you two heading for Las Vegas?

Yeah. We're gonna score.

Oh, well, I hope
to score big there, myself.

I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.

Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping
to do some sluts, too. Yeah.

Do they have a lot of sluts
in Las Vegas?

Oh, there are so many slots,
you won't know where to begin.

Whoa.

Hey, Butt-Head,
this chick is pretty cool.

She says there's gonna be
tons of sluts in Las Vegas.

Cool.

It's so nice to meet young men
who are so well-mannered.

Yeah.

I'm gonna have money
and a big-screen TV

and there's gonna be sluts everywhere.
It's gonna rule.

Morning, this is your captain speaking.

Well, that's nice.

We ask you to turn your attention
at this time to the front of the cabin

for pre-flight safety instructions.

To fasten your seat belt,

insert the free end into the coupling.

- If you are seated in...
- "Insert."

If you are unable to perform this task,

please ring your call button
at this time.

Damn it.

Uh...

Hi.
Can I help you with that?

There you go, all set.

I love you.

Wait, hey, hey, cut it out!
I want her to do it.

Come to Butt-Head.

Flight
attendants, please prepare for take-off.

Damn it.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Hey, what's going on?

Argh! We're gonna die!

We're all gonna die!

Come to Butt-Head.

Uh, could you, like,
do that thing with my belt again?

Yeah. This is her.

Oh, she looks lovely.

I'm probably going
to make out with her first,

before we, you know, get down.
You know what I'm saying?

I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son.

I have this ringing in my ears.

My doctor says it could be related
to my heart palpitations.

- Really? I poop too much.
- Oh.

Maybe you're lactose intolerant.

I mean... No, no. I poop too much!

- And then I get tired.
- Tired?

Oh, well,
I know all about tired, dear.

I have just the thing for you, it's...

Here, take a couple of these.
They perk me right up.

Thanks.

Tastes like crap.

What else you got?

Go right ahead. Help yourself.

So... Uh...

Going to Las Vegas?

Hi. We're serving dinner now.

Our selections tonight
are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.

Piccata. Titicaca.

Excuse me,
does the gumbo have corn in it?

I am Cornholio.
I need piccata for my bunghole.

- You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
- Are you threatening me?

My bunghole will not wait.

Bungholio. Bungholio...

Hey, I got a beer.

Want some?

I am Cornholio!

Argh!

Get the hell out of the cockpit!

- You said...
- Now!

There's the key note.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

Shuttle service to
downtown hotels and casinos...

This is Las Vegas?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought there'd be, like,
casinos and lights and stuff.

This isn't very good.

Attention, please. Flight 726...

Hey, Butt-Head,
why is that guy holding a sign?

Uh... Maybe he's blind.

Check this out.

Ah...

Excuse me.

You guys wouldn't know where
I could find these guys, would you?

Oh.

- Bee-ay... Bee-ayve?
- Buh... Boo...

Boot? Someone named boot?

This says, "Beavis."

And, "Boot-Head."

Uh, that's, "Butt-Head."

Don't you get it, Beavis?

These dudes have the same name as us.

Whoa, really? We should party.

This way, sirs.

So, where are those guys?

Where the hell is he?

You sure this is the right place?

- You Muddy?
- What are you, the cops?

No. Earl sent us.
You know, to take care of your wife.

What? Take care of...

What the hell are you talking about?
Who were those other two clowns?

Huh?

God damn it! She did it to me again!

I'm gonna go to Vegas
and I'm gonna kill all three of them!

Hey, I noticed your TV was broken.

You wanna buy a new one?

Just leave it.
Worthless piece of crap.

Yeah, really, man.

We gotta start stealing
from rich people.

I'm sorry about that little
misunderstanding, gentlemen.

We didn't realize
you were registered guests.

If there's anything we can do to...

Damn it. This thing is stuck.

- Sir, it's attached to the...
- You dumb-ass, let me try.

Hey, check it out.
That guy's still standing there.

Uh... Could you, like,
not stand there and stuff?

- Some people are dumb.
- Yeah, really.

Uh... Check it out, Beavis.

I wonder where this goes.

Uh...

Whoa, I think I hear a chick.

Really? Cool. Neat.

All right, who are you?

- CIA, FBI, ATF?
- Hey, Butt-Head, it's her!

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

Hey, baby.

Are we, like, gonna do it?

You got two seconds.

Uh...

Is that gonna be enough time?

Who sent you?

This drunk dude.
He said he was gonna pay us to do you.

Yeah, yeah.

Muddy. Son of a bitch.

Hold it. What's he paying you?

- Ten...
- Ten grand?

Oh, that cheap ass.

All right,
I got a better deal for you.

I'll double it.

I'll pay you 20
if you go back there and do him.

Uh, you want us to do a guy?

No way.

I don't know, Butt-Head.
That is a lot of money.

Maybe if we close our eyes
and pretend he's a chick.

Damn.

You two wait right there.

- I'm ready for love.
- Yeah.

I don't believe this.

Yeah, Las Vegas.

Give me the number
for Dream America tours.

Right.

Yeah. You got a bus leaving today?
Where's it going?

Washington, DC.

Five minutes? Perfect.
Give me two tickets.

No way, Butt-Head,
you always go first.

Damn it, Beavis,
we've never done this before.

Oh. Uh...

Wanna, you know...

Do it?
Yeah, we're finally gonna score!

Do it?

You guys wanna score?

Damn it.

Cut it out!

You wait here.

- Bunghole.
- Damn it.

No, no, no!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

- Ah!
- Don't wear yourselves out, boys.

Save some energy for me.

Uh...

This is it, Beavis.
We're finally gonna score.

Thank God.

Oh, yeah.
We're gonna do it, all right.

Oh, yeah.

Boys.

Boys.

Boys!

First, you have to do
a little job for me.

Would you like to do
a little job for me?

Here's what it is.

I want you to take the bus
to Washington, DC.

That's all.

And when you get there,
I'll be waiting.

You're gonna make a whole lot of money

and I'm gonna give you everything.

Until then, keep your pants on.

Now your bus is downstairs waiting,
so get going.

Let's go! Let's go!

On three!

- This is gonna be cool.
- Oh, yeah.

Get out of there, Beavis.
I want the window.

- No way, butt-hole!
- Why don't you take turns?

Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.
It's that slut from the plane.

Oh, why, it's you two.

How'd you do in Las Vegas?

- We didn't score, yet.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Me, I took a beating.

Cool.

So that's why
I'm bussing it across America.

I'm so glad you're here.

Jim, Jim.
I want you to meet two nice boys.

What? Oh.

This is Travis and Bob.
And, what's your last name, dear?

Head.

My first name's Butt.

Agent Flemming, ATF.

So, are you gonna tell us where it is,

or am I gonna have to have
Agent Hurly over there

give you another cavity search?

Mmm.

Is that a promise?

Look, Mrs. Scum, we know who you are.

Tell her, Bork.

Dallas Grimes,
married to Muddy Grimes.

You run a mom-and-pop
arms smuggling ring.

Hm. You got my bad side.

Three days ago, you pulled a job

at the army research facility
in Hadley, Nevada,

where you stole the X-5 unit.

Now we happen to know
you had the unit with you

when you checked in here.

So why don't you be a good girl
and tell us where it is?

You gonna charge me with anything?

I didn't think so.

You wanna let me go now,

or wait till my lawyer files
a wrongful arrest?

We got nothing, Chief.
We tore the place apart.

We can only legally hold her
for another couple of hours.

Damn it. Cut her loose.

Where's that damn unit?

- We're in Washington.
- Yeah, yeah, we're gonna score now.

Actually, son,
we're at the Hoover Dam.

No, no. We're in Washington!

Yeah.

We're gonna score now!

Over 40,000 tons of concrete

were used in the construction
of the Hoover Dam.

From top to bottom,
the dam is 51 stories.

- That's something.
- It has a maximum capacity

for generating 2.074
megawatts of electricity.

Wow. Really?

But on the average,
it generates about 25% of that.

- I'll be damned.
- Now, can anybody tell me

how much energy
it takes to power Las Vegas?

Yeah, I just have a question.

Is this a God dam?

You know, God damn. You know?

If you'll follow
me this way.

This is dumb.
Let's go find that chick.

Yeah. Yeah, enough of this crap.

Whoa, check it out, Butt-Head. TV.

Cool.

I gotta hit the head.
Can you get me some coffee?

All right.

Talk to me, Bork.

Chief, we found a witness
that says he saw two teenagers

leaving Dallas's room
shortly before we arrived.

Did you give him a full cavity search?

Uh... The witness?

Yes. You can never be
too careful, Bork.

Well, sir, I didn't really think
it was necessary.

You see, we have a picture of them
from the elevator security cam.

Here. Have a look.

What the hell?

They look like
a couple of kids, Chief.

Bork, don't you realize
what kids today are capable of?

Don't you read the papers?

What the...

Damn it.

All they have
is these shows about water.

Yeah, really.
They need some shows about fire.

What are you doing, Beavis?

Something's wrong with my butt.

- Your butt sucks.
- Yeah.

Hey, how come there's no sound?

I'll fix it.

Uh...

Yeah, yeah! There you go.
Louder! Louder!

Hm. Uh...

Uh... Master...

Masturbation?

You know, I'll tell you what.
It doesn't get any better than this.

This here is God's country.
Unspoiled...

I think I found the remote.

What the hell's going on?

Blackjack.

I swear, that's all I know.

They got on the tour bus.
It was probably heading west.

- Please.
- I'm gonna kill them!

- That was boring.
- Yeah, yeah.

Just the same thing,
over and over again.

Wait a minute.

We can't leave Washington
till we find that chick.

Oh, we're a long way
from Washington, Bob.

This is the Hoover Dam.

Dam? I'll be damned.

You boys better show up.

- Do you see what I see, Bork?
- I see it. I just don't get it.

You got half the state
looking for you.

How do you get away?

- Cut the power.
- Damn right.

Bork, we're dealing with
real pros here.

My opinion, terrorists.

What's the scoop on that stolen unit?

Well, sir, it's not good.
Roll the tape.

The X-5 unit is a new
top-secret biological weapon,

a man-made virus,
the deadliest known to man.

It could wipe out five states
in five days.

Here's what happened
when it was tested

on a group of army recruits.

Look at these guys, Chief.

This thing is a veritable
doomsday device.

Jesus jumped-up Christ, if this
were to fall into the wrong hands...

It gets worse.
The unit wasn't finished.

It has a flaw, the casing.

If hit hard enough
it could break open,

releasing the virus.

Okay, people, as of right now,

these are the most dangerous men
in America.

I want these faces in front of
every Fed and two-bit Sheriff

within 1,000 miles.

The orders are dead or alive.

Let's just pray
that nothing hits that unit.

Ow. Cut it out, Butt-Head.

Get out of the way, Beavis.
I wanna sit by the window.

Okay, people.

Next stop, Grand Canyon.

It's like it's coming out of its ass,

but then it's, like,
also coming out of the ass of the ass.

It's like the poop's coming out
of the ass of the ass.

Yeah.

There are over 200 active geysers
in Yellowstone Park.

Old Faithful here
is one of the largest.

During an eruption, the water
can reach as high as 200 feet.

So?

The geyser shoots out

over 12,000 gallons of water

in a single eruption.

- That's not that much, really.
- Yeah, really. Let's get out of here.

If you'll just step over here,
the geyser is seconds away from...

- Oh, it's incredible.
- Oh, oh, yeah.

Now, that's amazing.

It's incredible.

That's amazing.

Can't wait forever.

Damn kids. No respect.

Don't appreciate anything.

Oh, my God!

Wait! Stop!

Darn it.

Get me the police.

This is the coolest thing
I have ever seen.

Chief, we got them.

They're on a senior citizens' tour bus
going south on Highway 89.

- Yeah, that was great.
- Yeah.

Uh...

Is this the right bus?

Hey, Beavis,
we're on a bus with chicks.

Hey, baby.

You be careful.

They're not on the bus.

These people know something.

I want full cavity searches.

Everyone. Go deep on them.

Agent Hurly.

I tell you, Bork,
these guys are smart.

Damn smart.

They're probably
100 miles away by now.

Hey, Butt-Head, this book kicks ass.

There's this talking snake,
and a naked chick,

and then this dude
puts a leaf on his schlong.

Cool.

Ow!

Check it out, Butt-Head,
Porta-Potties.

Cool.

I gotta take a dump.

Uh, where's the toilet?

Forgive me, Father. I've sinned.

- I slept with a woman, and...
- Really?

Was she naked?

Well, yes, Father.

- Please forgive me, I...
- Cool.

Could you, like, see her boobs?

I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?

1,000. And I want you
to hit yourself, right now.

- Uh, now?
- Yeah. Do it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.
- Ow!

Do it again.

Welcome to the Petrified Forest.

The world's largest site
of petrified wood.

Wood.

You may wonder,
"How can wood get so hard?"

Well, the wood became hard
over two million years ago.

Wood.

Hey, where'd those chicks go?

I think you scared them off.

This sucks. What are we doing here?

Uh... I don't know.

Uh... Do you know where Washington is?

Yeah. About 2,000 miles that way.

Cool.

Thanks.

Didn't see which way they went.
Didn't see their vehicle.

I don't suppose
you tried to stop them?

The most dangerous guys in America?
No, thank you.

I make $9.00 an hour.

National security is
the responsibility of every American.

- Bork.
- Cavity search?

Deep and hard.

- Agent Hurly.
- They're not gonna get away this time.

I want roadblocks,
every road out of here for 200 miles.

This sucks.
It's all hot and stuff.

This desert is stupid.

They need to put
a drinking fountain out here.

Yeah, yeah.
Or, like, a 7-Eleven or something.

Something wrong, Officer?

Sir, we're looking
for these two fugitives.

Well, I'll be danged.

That's them two kids that have been
whacking in my camper.

- You saw these two?
- I sure did.

Boy, I never seen two kids
do so much damned whacking.

Blue den, this is post nine.
I have positive ID.

Boy, they're just like
a couple of little old spider monkeys,

I tell you what.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask
you and your wife

to step out of the vehicle.

Well, now, wait a minute.
Me and the missus here

- are on our way to Washington, DC...
- Now!

Now, wait right there.

You're dealing with a veteran
of two foreign wars.

They're the ones been whacking.

If I find anything broken in there,
you and I are gonna tangle.

- God damn it!
- Masturbating in a man's camper.

We're dealing with
two sick individuals.

I want that camper torn apart.
Full cavity searches all around.

You can't do this.

Something tells me
he could be involved.

What in the hell?
Now, wait just a minute here.

Chief, just came in.

Two days ago, Express Airways
had a disturbance

by someone calling himself Cornholio.

Guess who matches the description?

Finally, a real break.

Get me that flight's point of origin.
We're gonna kick some ass.

Uh...

Hey, one of you bastards got a match?

Uh. Yeah.

My butt and your... butt.

And here's a song
that might help you cope

with some of those feelings, okay?

It's called Lesbian Seagull.

She flies so gracefully

Over rocks, trees and sand

Soaring over cliffs

And gently floating down to land

She proudly lifts her voice
to sound the mating call

And soon her mate responds

By singing, "Caw caw caw"

Come with me

Lesbian seagull

Settle down and rest with me

Fly high, lesbian seagull

Oh, oh. Oh, my god.

That's him! He's their teacher. Yeah.

Ah, what's going on here?

I'll ask the questions.

Are these your students?

I assume
you're a government agent.

I would think you would know
there's something in this country

called due process, okay?

That's about the kind of talk
I'd expect from the guy

who taught these two.

Take this scum away.

I believe I'm supposed to be read
my Miranda rights.

Now, if...

I always knew they were no good.

- I hate...
- Shut up.

You've been harboring
two criminal masterminds.

Chief, you know that guy whose camper
they were whacking off in?

Bork, you are a Federal Agent.

You represent
the United States government.

Never end a sentence
with a preposition.

Oh. Ah...

You know that guy
in whose camper they...

I mean, that guy off in whose camper
they were whacking?

That's better. Yes?

We've run a sample through
the national criminal sperm bank

and come up with two possible
genetic matches for a father.

Former M�tley Cr�e roadies
turned drifters.

- You were a roadie for M�tley Cr�e?
- Yep.

Hah! Fire.

Here's another true story.

About 15 years ago we stopped

in this toilet called Highland.

Really? That's where we're from.

Well, then you know
what I'm talking about.

Anyway, here's the story.

I scored with these two chicks.

- True story.
- Yeah, me, too.

You scored with two chicks?

Yeah. They were sluts.

- Ow!
- Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score.

I scored with both of them.

Uh... Do you think these two sluts
still live in Highland?

That would be cool.

Hey, you want to see something
really cool?

Fire!

Uh...

Where'd those guys go?

Are we almost there yet?

Probably, like,
another five minutes or something.

The sun sucks.

Yeah.

Cut it out, butt-hole.

Hey, Butt-Head,

isn't there supposed to be, like,
water in cactuses?

Uh...

Hey, Beavis,

check it out.

Well, no, I can't say
that I've seen them, Officer.

I sure hope it's safe
to drive around here.

Don't worry, sir.
Just stick to the main roads.

If they're around, they're probably
hiding out in the desert.

Well, that's good to know, Officer.
Yeah.

Hey, Butt-Head, are we gonna die?

Uh... Probably.

Whoa, I think my life is, like,

flashing in front of my eyes.

Whoa.

My life was cool.

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute.

I think I'm seeing something, too.

It's, like, a really long time ago.

Yeah. Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

Hey, how's it going?

Argh!

Yeah.

I scored.

Hey, Butt-Head.
I'm starting to feel weird.

I think I'm freaking out.

Uh... Okay.

Whoa, this is cool.

It's like, it's like everything
looks all weird and...

It's like there's
all these weird shapes,

and it's sort of like, it's like a...
It's like a music video.

What are you doing, Butt-Head?
Stop it!

You're freaking me out! Cut it out!

What's going on?

There's a problem here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fire, fire, fire.

I'm all wet.

Cool. Yeah. Water.

I'm gonna enjoy this.

Any last words before I kill you?

I have a couple.

- Butt cheeks.
- Yeah, yeah. And boobs.

I just wanna say that again. Boobs.

I'm gonna blow you both to hell,
that's what I'm gonna do!

Cool.

Whoa. Hey, Beavis,

that's that dude that's paying us
to do his wife.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Can you just take us to Washington?

We're gonna meet her there
and, you know...

Washington?

That's where
she's gonna meet up with you?

You know,
I just might need you boys, after all.

All right, get in the trunk.
Both of you. Now!

Boy,
it sure is hard to score.

Yeah, really.

Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.

A jack.

I met a magic man

Who had a daughter

She learned her lessons well

But still I taught her

Jack.

As lambs to slaughter

We shared forbidden fruits

And things I brought her

You may say
I'm a miracle mannequin

Hey, Beavis, check it out.

I'm jacking off.

Yeah.

Let's get out of here.

You go first, Beavis.

I don't know, Butt-Head.

That road's, like,
moving pretty fast and stuff.

Come on, Beavis.

Just start running really fast
as soon as you hit the ground.

- It'll work.
- No way. You go.

Don't be a wuss, Beavis.

Ow!

That was cool.

Boy, what I wouldn't give
for five minutes alone

with them two little bastards.

Argh!

I need a trauma box
over here right now!

Well, Bob,
the news out here is not good.

Authorities are calling this

the worst highway disaster
in the nation's history.

Behind me, over 400 vehicles
lay wrecked or stuck.

- Chief, look.
- No one knows what caused it,

- but police have not ruled out...
- Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.

Where did these guys come from?

The question is, where are they going?

In other news, G-PAC is set
to begin at 2:00 p.m. tomorrow

when representatives
from around the world...

- What the hell?
- ... will meet in Washington...

Bork, that bus we picked up,
where was it heading?

- DC, Chief.
- Jesus jumped-up...

Bork, can you imagine
what would happen

if they set that thing off
in our nation's capital?

Or even worse,

if they sold it to some damn foreigner
at that conference?

Well, that's not going to happen.

Whoa. This kicks ass.

Yeah.

Travis and Bob Head!

Hello!

Hey, Butt-Head, it's that chick.

Oh, yeah. Cool.

Maybe they can take us to Washington
and we can finally score.

Yeah.

Isn't Seattle in Washington?

- Yep. It sure is.
- Cool.

'Cause I was thinking after we score,
maybe we could go see Hole.

Hole.

Hm.

Expecting somebody?

Well, well. Look at this.

The love of my life.

Where have you been?

Honey, I was gonna split it with you
after I sold it.

Right down the middle, I swear.
I just...

Sure you were.

But now you don't have to go
to all that bother, do you?

Come on, Muddy.

What do you say
we just forget about it

and go get a room like old times?

I don't think so.

Where is it?

All senators are requested for a vote.

All senators are requested for a vote.

Can I help you?

- We're looking for Washington.
- Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna meet this chick
with really big hooters.

Sirs, you are in Washington.

Really? Well, where is she?

Could you, like, make an announcement
that we're ready to score?

No.

Just a moment.

Hello? How may I help you?

Attention.

Attention.

We're looking
for the chick with big boobs.

Yeah, yeah.
We are ready to do you now.

I guess you forget
who you're dealing with, honey.

You see, I got your mules
right here in my trunk...

Damn! Damn!

I am gonna kill them!

No, honey.

We're gonna kill them.

Next stop, White House.

Hey, wait a minute. What's going on?

Why are we getting back on the bus?

It's time to go, son.

We can't leave.
We never met that chick.

Damn it. We were supposed to get some.

- Settle down, Beavis.
- No! I won't settle down.

Not this time.
Damn it, this always happens.

I think I'm gonna score,
and then I never score.

It's not fair.

We've traveled, ah, ah, 100 miles

'cause we thought we were gonna score.

But now it's not gonna happen.
Damn it!

- Hey, buddy, sit down.
- Shut up, ass-wipe!

I'm sick and tired of this.
We're never gonna score.

It's just not gonna happen.

We're just gonna get old
like these people,

- but they've probably scored.
- Hey, I'm warning you. Sit down!

It's, like, this chick's a slut.

And look at this guy, he's old,

but he's probably scored
a million times.

- Oh, yeah.
- But not us.

You know, we're never gonna score.

We're never gonna score!
We're never gonna score!

All right, that's it, numbnuts!

- Once more and I'll...
- Kick your ass.

Well, look what we have here.

You two make me sick. Book them, Bork.

You don't have anything on us
and you know it.

Oh, I don't, huh?
How about lewd conduct?

Maybe indecent exposure.

Here's what's gonna happen.

One of you is going to make a deal
and get me the unit.

The other can spend
the next 60 years in jail.

That's where you're wrong, boy.

Me and my wife are back together,
and you will never...

He stole the unit.
He said he put it in some kid's pants.

Why, you damn little four-legged...
Hey, take it easy!

I'm gonna rip your...

Now, Travis, it doesn't do a body good
to get all worked up.

Here, this should help you relax.

Does that say Xanax?

Yeah. Yeah, probably. I don't know.

What else you got in there?
Give me that thing.

Okay, boys and girls,
our suspects are on a tour bus

we believe to be heading for...
The White House?

Jumping Jesus.

I want everyone there.
Our people, locals.

Orders are shoot to kill.
Repeat, shoot to kill.

Ah!

Yeah, yeah.

You know what's really cool?
Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head.

Shut up, Beavis.

- Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head.
- ...and I'll be your tour guide.

In case you don't know,
you've come on a very special day.

Gathered at the White House today
for an historic global conference

called Give Peace a Chance, or G-PAC,

are representatives
from around the world.

This is the East Room.

Many of the portraits you see
were saved

from the fire
set by the British in 1814.

Fire!

What's your problem, Beavis?

The site for the White House

was chosen by President Washington
and Pierre L'Enfant.

L'Enfantata.
L'Enfantata titicaca for my bunghole.

- Bunghole.
- Sir?

- Sir, are you okay?
- Are you threatening me?

I am Cornholio!

Okay.

Ah, sir, maybe you should wait
out in the lobby?

Okay. In this lobby.

Will there be TP for my bunghole?

- I am Cornholio!
- The room was originally designed...

Boy, where are you
when we need you, Ike?

I tell you what, honey,

even with all we've been through,
it don't change a thing.

I've said it before,
and I'll say it again.

This is the greatest country on earth,
and I...

Say, that looks kind of like...

- No, it couldn't be.
- Bungholio.

Are you threatening me?
I am Cornholio.

Ah, yes, the President does plan to
speak today at the G-PAC conference.

- Mr. Secretary?
- Mr. Secretary?

What about the rumors
that a biological weapon

has been stolen and smuggled out
of the country during this conference?

Those rumors are entirely unfounded.

Those rumors are totally unfounded.

I am the great Cornholio!
I am a gringo!

I have no bunghole.

Bungholio.

Bungholio.

This is the state dining room

where the most powerful world leaders
are entertained.

Hey!

Where's the TV?

There are no TVs in the dining room.

This house sucks.

Please follow me.

Evacuation?

It's probably just another bomb threat
or something.

Okay.

Is this the lobby?

I am Cornholio.

I need TP for my bunghole.

- Yes, Mr. President.
- I am Cornholio.

My bunghole, it goes...

Mr. President?

Mr. President,
I can't make out what you're saying.

Sir, the President sounds strange.

Something's going on.
I don't think it's a drill.

Washington may be under attack.
Go to DEFCON 4.

Step on it! Step on it!

All right, move! Move! Move!

Move it along, folks. Move it along.

Whoa.

Hey, baby.

I noticed you have braces.

I have braces, too.

That was cool.

Whoa!

This is the coolest thing
I have ever seen.

- All right, where's the unit?
- Uh...

My unit?

In my pants.

- Not on him, Chief.
- Agent Hurly,

I want you to give this scumbag
a cavity search.

I'm talking Roto-Rooter.

Don't stop till you reach
the back of his teeth.

Yeah.

Sir, we're awaiting
your final orders.

I order you to surrender your TP.

Give me that.

Mr. President,
in the name of all that's holy,

I must have those launch codes.

I am Cornholio.

You will cooperate with my bunghole.

For there is but one bunghole.

The almighty bunghole.

He's clean, Chief.

Uh...

Did I just score?

The other guy must have it.

He's got to be in here somewhere.

Cornholio, janaab.

Bunghole.

Bunghole?

Fire. Bungholio.

Excuse me,

I'm terribly sorry
for the inconvenience, gentlemen,

but we're going to have to
wait outside for a moment.

Follow me, please.

TP for my bunghole?

Yeah, yeah. TP for my bunghole.
Yeah, yeah. Pretty good.

Let these gentlemen through, please.
They're with the conference.

It's okay. He's with them.

Mr. Cornholio.

You cannot run from your own bunghole.

Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.

A-ha!

Boy, I tell you what,
it really makes you proud.

I could stay in here all day.

Sir, I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.

- Now, wait just a minute.
- Now.

Hey, now, that's enough.

I been planning this trip
my whole life and...

Hey. Hey, what do you think you're...

Something about a corn hole.

We haven't even seen
the Lincoln Room yet.

I just didn't know
what his problem was.

- Damn it. Now, let go of me.
- I'm sorry, I...

Say, Chief,

isn't that the guy whose camper
they were whacking...

I mean,
off in whose whacking camper...

Not now, Bork.

I'll tell you what, honey,

this country's going to hell
in a hand basket.

I'm going to go over right now
and talk to my congressman about this.

What the hell?

Wait here a minute.

No. Oh, no.

What in the hell
is that damn noise? I...

- What?
- Hey, how's it going?

Pull your damn pants up, boy!
I don't want to see that.

Damn it, get out of here!

And if I ever catch you
whacking in here again,

I'm gonna hogtie you.

Oh, damn it.

Now I gotta straighten up in here.
Damn it.

We just cleared all four floors.
No sign of him.

Damn. Where the hell is he?

Say, Chief, isn't that the camper?

- Bork, not now.
- Chief, look.

Well, I'll be a monkey's
bare-assed uncle.

Attention all units. We've got him.

He's in front of a white camper
on Pennsylvania Avenue.

I am Cornholio.

I will lay waste to your bunghole.

Bungholio.

Holio. Bungholio.

Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole!

- Okay, nobody shoot.
- Bunghole, bunghole!

- He could still have the unit on him.
- Bunghole.

- Keep your distance.
- Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.

We don't want to take a chance
on hitting it.

- Where are his pants?
- Who knows?

Bunghole. Bunghole? Bungholio.

This is Agent Flemming, ATF.

We won't hurt you.
We just want the unit.

Tell us where the unit is.

Do you have TP?

TP for my bunghole?

We'll get you whatever you want.

Get that other kid. We might need him.

Do you have any holio?

Yeah, this is Bork.
Listen, we need some TP and some...

What did he say?

Whoa.

This rules.

Can I have a gun, too?

You must bow down
to the almighty bunghole.

That was cool.

This is your last chance.
Give us the unit now.

Why does everybody
want to see my schlong?

Bunghole.

Bungholio!

- Bungholio...
- He's jerking us off.

I think we're gonna have
to take him out.

Get ready to fire on my orders.

I am the one and only almighty,
one and only bungholio.

This is your last chance.
I'm gonna give you three seconds.

I have no bungholio.

Okay, boys, get ready to fire
on the count of three.

- One.
- Would you like to see my bunghole?

Cool. I will show you my bunghole!

Two.

I have no bunghole!

What's going on? What is this?

Three.

Take your damn pants with you.

- Hold your fire!
- What in the hell?

The pants! He's got the unit!

Drop the pants. Now!

Now, wait a minute.
I ain't the one who...

Uh... Here you go.

- Now, wait just a minute, mister.
- Sir, take a look at this.

How do you explain this?

What in the hell
are you talking about?

So, using two innocent teenagers
as pawns in your sick game, huh?

Look, I already told you, I don't know
what in the hell this is about.

Take him away.

Hey, get your damn hands off me!

God damn it.

Damn it.

You don't know
who you're dealing with here.

I'm a veteran of two foreign wars.

I ain't the one that...

I always thought
there was something wrong with him.

Yeah.

He had a lot of problems.

And...

He used to hit me, too. Yeah.

Uh... Hey.

Does anyone wanna see my unit?

I got to admit it.
I had you boys figured wrong.

I thought you were scum.

But you saved more lives today
than you'll ever know.

You led us to one of
the sickest criminals in our history.

This country owes you a debt.

Does that mean we're gonna get,
like, money and stuff?

And chicks.

We were supposed to score.

For security reasons,

your actions
will have to remain top-secret.

Yeah.

But someone very special
wants to give his thanks.

Beavis and Butt-Head,
on behalf of your fellow Americans,

I extend my deepest thanks.

You exemplify a fine new crop
of young Americans

who will grow into the leaders
of this great country.

- He said, "Extend."
- Oh, yeah.

In recognition for your great service,
I'm appointing you honorary agents

in the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms.

Whoa.

- Alcohol and tobacco?
- Yeah.

- And firearms! Yeah.
- Cool, huh?

- Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
- Yeah, yeah.

We're in the bureau
of beer and fire and cigarettes.

And maybe some chicks, too.

This is gonna be cool.

You know what sucks?

We never scored
and we never got any money.

Yeah, really.

And my butt's still sore,
and that chick with the braces...

Hey, Butt-Head. Hey, Butt-Head, look!

- Yes!
- Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, yes.

Hey, Butt-Head,
do you think we're ever gonna score?

Uh... I probably will, but not you.

You're too much of a butt-monkey.

Shut up, dillhole.

Butt-dumpling.

Turd burglar.

Uh... Ass-goblin.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson
live on this street?

Uh... Yeah.

'Cause I just need to stop by
his tool shed for a couple of minutes.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Tool.

Come with me

Lesbian Seagull

Settle down
and rest with me

Oh, fly with me
lesbian seagull

To my little nest
by the sea

With me
that's where you belong

With me

I know I can be strong
when you're

You're with me

Ain't she a player?

Word up

Know what I mean?

Oh, my god

You know

I'm the best when it comes
to makin' love all night

Throw your butterscotch body
beneath the red light

Blaze it up, girl
I'm gonna lace it real tight

Go deep till the full moon
turn to sunlight

Till the darkness is gone
love remains strong

Like the bond
'tween mother and child

You're so warm
to the touch

Passionate interludes
and such

When you're gone
your body's what I yearn to clutch

Just imagine
ecstasy floatin' in a cloud

Animal attraction
burnin' through the crowd

Heaven on earth
paradise for a price

It's cool, though
I'll pay you for the rest of my life

You know why?

Ain't nobody
does me better

Say what?

Makes me happy

Makes me feel this way

That's right.

Ain't nobody
does me better

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it girl
stop runnin', uh

I'm explorin' your body
and your erogenous zones

Like a black tiger
caged up

Till you come home, lovely

You make a man
swoon like a boy

The love is so soft
it gets hard to enjoy

'Cause the mind flies
and sometimes the sex lies

Smooth little girls
fall in love with rough guys

But you can chop a big heart
down to pint-size

I guess that's what
it sounds like when the dove cries

Uh, the whole world
is trapped up in a maze

But you save
this real good lovin' for rainy days

Uh, the lord works
in mysterious ways

He must've put you
on this earth for all men to praise

- Ain't nobody
- FEMALE SINGER: Nobody

Does me better

Makes me happy

Makes me feel this way

Say what? Say what?

Ain't nobody

That's right.

Does me better

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

As I travel through your body
our souls become one

Indivisible, uh
It's getting critical, son

I'm on the run from love
It chase me out the bag

Get the point, boo
you hit it right on the head

It's an endless adventure
two bodies collide

King fufillin' dreams
when a queen by side forever

For infinite time
we intertwine destiny

We fall in love by design

What's yours is mine
and what's mine is yours

The road less traveled
is ours to explore

I adore you
heavenly angel shine light

Hold my hand
I'll be your guide through the night

Ain't nobody

Does me better

Say what? Say what?

Makes me happy

That's right.

Makes me feel this way

Ain't nobody

Does me better
Come on

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

You can take it, girl
Stop runnin', uh

Come on now
A man don't choose a woman

A woman chooses a man

Give you half for a second
then I'll give you the full plunge, uh

What you want?
What you want?

Iced out ankle bracelet
for scenery

Know what I mean?
This menage ain't easy

I know

- Ain't nobody
- FEMALE SINGLER: Nobody!

Does me better

Makes me happy

Makes me feel this way

Ain't nobody
does me better