Beaux-parents (2019) - full transcript

What a huge ass.

I bet it's comfortable
once you're inside.

Slippers are too
but you don't go out in them.

Who cares what it looks like?

Anyhow, it's too small.

It's a motorhome,
not an aircraft carrier.

They're always
kind of cramped, right?

Like there's no basement or balcony.

Very funny.

- I like this one.
- No, you don't.

Yes, I do.



No, you don't.

You're right.

Too small.

That's funny,
a minute ago you loved it.

A minute changes a life!

Nine months too.

- You know what he's talking about?
- Subtleties are lost on me.

This one looks nice, it's bigger.

We don't have all morning,
I need to start lunch.

MY OUT-LAWS

Here we go.

Did anyone make mayonnaise?

You're not allowed to eat eggs!

How about an omelet too?



That's it, cholesterol!

It's absurd, you can have chicken.

And what's that initially? An egg.

I drink to this implacable logic.

Cheers!

To family!

Which has room to grow!

Oh no, not that again.

Yes, but it's very subtle.

No, it's not.

I'm not joking.
I want brats, burps, and sleepsuits.

You've been together 5 years.

Mom is right, sweetie.

Harold's not a bastard like your ex.

- No double life, right?
- Or hidden family?

If I do, it's well-hidden!

- My little orphan?
- Yep.

He has no parents, but he has us.

I have your drill.
Latest model, multiple bits.

- One's enough, Mom.
- How do you know?

Don't get her started.

It's just to put up wall shelves.

A wall?

Here we go.

Wood, plaster, stone?

Perpend, brick, cement?

It's not the same thing, shit!

Stop!

I need to talk to you.

I can't run the whole company
alone anymore.

I bet.

I need a sales director.

- Hire Lopez.
- Nope.

Nope.

Yep.

Yes!

Thank you, Hervé.
I'm so happy you trust me.

You're my bud!

How will Lopez react?

Badly.
Forget it, he hates you anyhow.

Focus on your new deal instead.

You'll brief me
in the train tomorrow.

I won't be there tomorrow.

No way.

You'll be with Coralie,
Chloé and Lopez.

I was counting on you.

Young lady?

You have anything against athletes?
Physically speaking, I mean.

Hey, jokes aside.
Why aren't you coming?

An "old" acquaintance showed up.

So to speak. She just turned 22.

- Look at this.
- I don't want to know.

Come on, take a look.

It's nothing dirty. Look at this!

Get out of here!
I don't want to see it.

C'mon! Don't tell me
you find her unattractive?

Kind of hard to say.
You can't see her eyes or smile.

It makes me
super uncomfortable with Chloé.

I thought you two were good.

We are. What's the relation?

Oh yeah? You're sick.
Everything's great with your wife

and you show me naked mistresses.

Got a problem, guys?

- There's no problem.
- Yes, there is.

There's no problem.
Let's go, who gives a shit?

You can't get upset each time.

I won't let punks make fun of me!

You do speed walking.

Speed walking!
It's like if I did slow racing.

You'll run everything?

- Yep.
- Wow, that's fab.

Hang on. You'll be all alone
in Paris with Chloé?

Uh, yes.

And Lopez and Coralie...

And the beautiful Chloé.

There's something
I want to do with you.

Go on, tell me.

Tell me.

Have a baby.

Hey, Chloé,
you don't have enough!

- No, I'll be drunk.
- You can have one more.

Just a little.

That's good!

That's a bowlful!

I drink to this contract.

He forget to say:
as the new sales director!

I drink to this contract
that we landed together.

- Hey, cheers!
- Bravo.

Ladies.

Drink! Drink! Drink!

And then you accelerate.

You can do 25 miles like this.

It's all in the hips.

I read lots of psychology books.

Yeah, I'm a guy
who's interested in people.

I'm into altruism.

- Me too!
- Yeah, it's great.

It's graceful.

I know what you're thinking.
It looks silly?

My wife thinks it's sexy.

Oh really? Are you sure?

I feel like
he doesn't see me anymore.

Who knows, maybe it's my fault?

If you want to reconquer
someone who's drifting,

you need to make them jealous.

Yeah, you're right.

Want to make him jealous together?

My room's next to yours.

What?

We're leaving.

I think you've had enough.

No, I'm good.
Shots do nothing to me.

Watch this.

Ole!

- I can walk alone.
- Quiet!

- Why?
- Because.

This is Paris!

You'll feel better tomorrow.
Good night.

C'mon, don't go!

Come on!

Once last drink, Harold!

I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Harold!

You're no fun.

Harold!

Looking for tiny tenant
for 9-month lease!

Chloé, it's super late.

- I know, but wait.
- To bed!

You've had too much to drink.

Stop it, Harold!

You said I was still desirable?

- Of course...
- Wait!

Like, would you sleep with me?

Of course not.
You're my best friend's wife.

Yeah, but...

in the absolute.

In the absolute...

any guy in the world would.

Then why don't we pretend
we're in the absolute?

Stop it, you don't know
what you're saying.

- Come on.
- Stop it!

No.

This is your room.

- Where's the...
- Your room...

I think you threw up.

And only stuff I didn't eat.

No, not my bed.

Chloé.

My head...

I don't believe it.

Hello, you have

reached Harold Becker's voicemail.

I'm not available at the moment,
please leave a message

and I'll get back to you.

Hello, darling. It's me.

It's 11:30, time to get up.
You have a train! I miss you.

Hello.

Could you please put me through
to Harold Becker's room?

Thank you.

It's your wake-up call!

Hello?

Who's speaking please?

Chloé.

And who are you?

Excuse me,
you gave me the wrong room.

I want Mr. Becker.

Thank you.

Shit, who is it?

Hello, darling.

Everything go well?

You might say that.

I signed
the biggest contract of the year.

Didn't you get my message?

What time are your parents coming?

You ok?

And you, nothing new?

No.

You get to bed late?

Yeah, must've been around 3 am.

And you went to bed?

Yes.

In your bed, like usual?

Uh...

Yeah.

What's wrong?

We wanted a baby!

- We'll have one.
- And you slept with Chloé!

No, I didn't.

I called this morning.

She answered in your room.

That was nothing.

Last night we exchanged rooms.

- Oh yeah?
- Yes.

And why'd you do that at 3 am?

It was Chloé.

She was kind of drunk.

Totally trashed, actually.
We drank shots.

She was sick.

She vomited in my room,
and so I took hers.

Garance.

I love you.
And we're going to have a baby.

I'm not going to cheat on you.

When I do fool around

when you're old and ugly,
that is next year...

It won't be with my best friend's wife.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You must think I'm hysterical.
You understand?

Of course, I do.

Who is it?

What a coincidence. It's Chloé.

"We need to talk about
last night."

Well, well.

That could obviously
create confusion, let me explain...

I slept with no one. Enough, Chloé!

- Shit!
- I mean Garance!

I can get mad too.

Is that what you want?

Garance!

Calm down!

No, Garance!

Calm down!

Open the door, you bastard!

Shit! Can we talk like two
reasonable adults?

She said, "Bring wine for you,
I'm not drinking."

Maybe she has a headache.

Or she's on a diet.

We're going to be grandparents.

- You think so.
- I'm sure!

I know my daughter.
She's never been this happy.

My life is over.

We were going to have a baby.

A little baby, and he...

Hang on a second.

Let him explain.

There's surely an explanation.

Something silly.

Right, Harold?

A silly explanation?

Right?

Of course, I've told her 20 times.

Then why did a girl
answer the phone in your room?

I repeat.

She was sick, so I gave her
my room and took hers.

- That's all.
- I'd have done the same.

There you go. How about a drink?

For information, Chloé is the wife
of Hervé. His best friend.

We just talked.

Breaking news! About what?

- Nothing much, you know.
- No, I don't.

No, because I don't talk
about "nothing much" at 3 am

in a man's hotel room.

But it's not impossible.

It's not common,
but it's not impossible.

Right, Coline?

- What?
- It's not impossible.

At night in a hotel.

Talk... with a girl.

No, it's not impossible.

That's what I said.
Because nothing happened!

Give him
the benefit of the doubt, sweetie.

Look, if you did something dumb
now's the time to say.

Let me show you what this is about.

Chloé and me
at the beach last year.

She's the sex bomb.

Sex bomb, I don't know.

She's not bad, but...

Besides, looks are subjective.
Most men could care less.

Ok, she's gorgeous.

I didn't say she's not beautiful.

Or that she wasn't in my room.

But I didn't touch her. Why?

Because I'm faithful!
It's dumb, huh?

And I love you. Even if you're
seriously starting to piss me off.

That was a love declaration.

Granted, it was crap,
but a declaration nonetheless.

He loves you. You love him.

We love you.
And you're having a baby.

- Let's have a drink.
- No!

When I asked him
if he'd slept in his room,

he said "yes." So he lied.

I just got home after 2 days of work.

I was wiped out.

I answered automatically.

Mom, Dad, I need to be alone.

There will be some
major changes in my life.

And you...

get out.

Until proven otherwise,
this is my home too.

I will not leave my home.
Is that clear?

By the way,
your speed walking is pathetic.

Hey, we're here.

Thanks. She'll get some sleep
and it'll all work out.

Of course.

- It'll work out.
- You can stay with us.

Come over, we need to talk!

Thanks André,
but my night's not over yet.

Don't move.

Almost done.

It's Harold.

Harold?

Why?

We need to talk compressors.

Just compressors?

Yes, the deadlines. Why?

No reason.

Hey, godfather!

Hey, kiddo. Life's good?

Yes!

Sweetheart, go to your room please.

Ok. We have a problem.

Before you go any further...

- Chloé and I...
- Let Hervé finish!

The two of you went all the way.

Not at all.

No, not at all.

Yes, we celebrated.

- We all drank too much.
- Let him talk, shit!

Calm down, hon.

It's unbelievable, you're the boss!

It's cool, he can speak up too.

Stop being so modest.

She told me everything.
She said you were the best.

- The best?
- With the contract.

There you go!

So just shut up.

Hon, calm down.

He keeps interrupting.

So he interrupted. Everything's cool.

It's impolite.

I should've told you sooner.
We're changing compressor suppliers.

Ah, the compressors.

Yes, of course.

Of course.

You see, it helps to listen.

We're done with Celestin?

He increases
his profit margin twice a year.

So I politely suggested
he fuck off.

I see.

I'm sorry, I completely forgot.

Why the suitcases?

You having trouble with Garance?

We had a fight.

Something stupid.

When she gets
an idea in her head...

Want the keys to the party room?

The party room?

The studio apartment where I...

Ah, I see. The party room.

Yeah, why not? It'll give Garance
time to calm down.

Sure. Thanks, dude.

You get some?

Of course not.

You got some!
You scored with Coralie?

She's got the hots for you.

C'mon, let's see the pics.
Any sex tapes?

- Sex tapes?
- I didn't score.

You know...

I kind of envy you.

You're the one who's right.

Maybe I should try...

but I don't feel ready.

But, uh...

Tomorrow night, I need it.

I ordered a special service.

I'm talking about
a true nymphomaniac.

- Don't tell me...
- She can...

- Samuel's pen ran on his bed.
- Oh, no.

Stay here with Dad.

Have a seat, sweetie.

"Toto's Diary."

So, as I was saying...

And which I don't want to know
or hear about because...

The artist I was telling you about.

I've heard her album.

It starts off with a clarinet solo.

Not a single wrong note,

she's a virtuoso musician.

Unbelievable.
Tomorrow night there will be

triangles, slide

trombones, big drums.
The whole 9 yards.

You just turned me off classical.

I'll never be able
to listen to Mozart again.

Speaking of which.

Maybe try fewer concerts
and more chamber music at home.

Honey, it's late.

It's Samuel's bedtime.

If Mom says it's time, it's time.
Ready, sweetheart?

Come on.

- Good night, Godfather.
- Night, pal.

How'd you end up so cute
with such an ugly dad?

- It was Mom.
- Ah ha!

- Don't move.
- I'll wait for you.

Let's go, I'll tell you a story.

Garance wants to leave me,
you have to call her.

Oh shit!

You're right. I'll apologize.

- Apologize for what?
- When Hervé finds out...

He'll kill me.

Hang on.

When he finds out what?

- What do you remember?
- Seriously?

I went to your room during the night

and woke up in your bed.

No need to spell it out.

Yes, there is.
Because nothing happened!

I see.

You're right. Nothing happened.

Chloé, nothing happened.

- Nothing happened...
- That's it.

- And it'll never happen again.
- Shit!

Chloé, you scare me.

We didn't have sex.

Ok, I got it.

We say we didn't have sex.

Quiet!

You don't remember a thing.

For the last time:
I didn't touch you.

Ok?

This is Garance.
Leave a message after the beep.

Oh fuck.

What a bastard!

Of course,
he's leaving me a zillion messages.

Classic. He wants to get you back.

What? Are you crazy?

- Everyone out.
- You don't give us orders.

I need to talk to my wife. Alone.

Ok.

Are you sure?

- You're a real bastard.
- Are you crazy?

Call me.

You know what gets me?

I'm paying for your ex.

Don't even go there.

He's the bastard, not me.

Are you kidding?

He was Gandhi compared to you.

Yes, he cheated on me non-stop.

But he didn't say we'd have a baby.

At some point,
loving someone means trusting them.

Otherwise...

Mom, it's me.
Could you do me a favor?

My ex is coming by my place
to get his things.

Could you be there for me?

I don't want to see him.

I can't hear! Tonight what?

Hang up and listen to me.

And that way,
you guys can say a last goodbye.

Goodbye?

Yes, goodbye.
Because we'll never see him again.

André, please stop that!
It's Garance.

Never ever?

Yes, never ever...

Like not anymore. Never again.

It's sad, but that's the way it is.

You're spoiling everything
for no reason.

Love you. Bye.

So this is it?

Did you get everything?

Yeah, I think so.

- Where will you go?
- There's a hotel near the bypass.

I guess I'll be off.

I'm sorry about all this.

I'll miss you.

No, no, no!

No one's going to miss anyone.

We're going to fight and overcome.

And get back together.
We're a family!

You can't go to some hotel.

Give me that. Let's go for dinner.

- It's not even 7.
- Then we'll eat early.

- What if Garance finds out?
- She won't.

How about a bistro?

Good idea.
Chez Antoine just reopened.

- My favorite clients!
- We too early?

You're never too early.

- Have a seat.
- It sure has changed here.

You remodeled?

- Don't you like it?
- Yes, yes.

But I liked it before too.

It was rustic.

Welcome to the 21st Century.

Thank you.

Your daughter's not here?

No, just the 3 of us.

- This lit-up table is unusual.
- See that? Neo-lighting.

It's true that it's...

neo-ugly.

You changed the menu too?

We upgraded at all levels.

Say, Antoine,

what's "Tuscan Dream
à la Phocaean Rubies"?

A heirloom tomato
sprinkled with buffalo burrata.

Tomato-mozzarella salad.

No, not at all.

It's a revamped

- tomato...
- Where's my wild-boar pâté?

Here it is.
"Celebration of Autumn Game."

Only 30 euros.

- No more fries?
- Fries?

Yes.

That's a good one!

Very funny. Well then,

take your time ordering.
Savor your meal.

Did he say "savor your meal"?

No more fries?

"Savor your meal"? You say "enjoy."

- No more fries.
- "Savor your meal"!

You can prove what you've done,

not what you haven't done.

I can prove I was in Venice
because I have photos

of me on a gondola.

How do I prove
I was never in Venice?

By showing pictures
of St. Mark's Square without me?

Chloé is Venice.

Where I've never been.

I'm out of Brouilly.
I got you a bottle of Minervois.

That's a shame.
I liked your 19-euro Brouilly.

That was my last bottle.
We've gone organic.

So, how's everything?

Did you change chefs?

- It wasn't like...
- Like what?

It wasn't like usual.

Like before.

I hope not! Change is necessary.

Well actually, I liked it before.

Well then.

I wish you...

fine continuation!

Did he say "fine continuation"?

"Fine continuation"!

It's corked.

Antoine.

Your wine is undrinkable.

Taste.

It's not corked. It's the tannin.

That's organic.

No, that's corked.

I think it tastes fine.

Besides, the bottle is open now.

Sorry.

It's open, but it's corked.

Learn to taste wine, kiddo.

Then we'll talk.

We've upgraded
in terms of clientele as well.

- Calm down.
- Your "new-take" veal stew

was awful! Too much cumin.

And the "citrus tartar," horrible!
Fruit salad with meat?

Next time, go for kebabs.

It's more your style.

We've been coming here
for 25 years.

I'll never set foot here again!

- Calm down.
- Fine continuation, up your ass!

- Calm down.
- He's a jerk, drop it.

Harold, come back!

- Hello?
- Mom, it's me.

How are you, sweetie?

Not so hot. I thought I'd drop by,
I haven't eaten.

Yes, but we're not home.

Where are you?

Place du Marché.

Perfect! We can go to Chez Antoine.
It just reopened.

Yes, but no. That's not...

Oh, come on! It'll do me good.
I'll be right there.

Right there... like what exactly?

10-12 minutes? Or right now?

- I'm parking the car.
- Right there!

- She's here.
- Oh, shit!

- Hurry up!
- No, hang on.

I'm going to talk to her.

Come on, hurry up!

Get lost or we're dead!

There she is! Our girl is coming.

But look who's here!

Why didn't you go in?

We can go for drinks first.

- How about sushi? You love that.
- Good idea.

- Mom hates sushi.
- No.

You say raw fish is disgusting.

I don't like raw fish, but I like sushi.

Nonsense.

- We're right here.
- Wait!

Oh shit!

- Hello.
- Let's sit here.

Hello, Antoine.

How are you? In good form?

I'll sit here.

What's with the deco?
It's horrible.

Funny to see you here.

We were walking past and said...

- He's reopened!
- It's been a while.

- When was it, 6 months ago?
- It was before the works.

Last time we came.

Six months?

That's right, 6 months.

Haven't been back since.

It's been that long, has it?

Your lovely fiancé isn't here?

No.

I'm single again.

We don't see him at all.

Not at all.

I see.

We'll order.

No, André.

I know what you need.

The veal stew!

You like cumin?

- I love it.
- And you, Coline?

The citrus tartar?
You'll tell me what you think.

Funny, that's what I wanted.

For you...

The Surprise of the Day.

Try this.

It's organic.

You don't mind?

To the contrary, we love organic.

There we go.

Well?

What do you say?

How is it?

- It's good.
- Very good.

- Some people don't like it.
- Oh really?

How preposterous.

Some pretentious jerks earlier

hated it. You believe that?

Excuse me, but it's corked.

No, it's organic.

She's right.

Have you lost your sense of taste?

No, this is corked.

I'll get another bottle.
But not the same one.

It'll cost more.

Quality doesn't come cheap.

I wish you fine continuation.

As long as you stick to
your "I didn't touch her" version,

we'll get nowhere.

It's not a "version," dammit!

It's the simple, factual truth.

Harold, you're Bill Clinton.

No, I'm not Bill Clinton.

I didn't screw the trainee.

The problem wasn't that
Bill screwed Monica what's-her-face.

The problem was he lied.

He fessed up
and everyone got on with things.

"A sin confessed..."

Besides, one little slip up...

It's no big deal.

It happens to everyone.

I have no right to preach.

Hang on.

Hang on a second.

Do you have a lover?

It was long ago. One time.

Something dumb with a colleague.

It was a shit period.

It was when André fell out
with his father.

Does he know?

No! I didn't get caught.
That makes all the difference.

- Hey, how's it going?
- And you?

Fine.

Garance called me.

And?

Nothing, just to say hi.

She's sad you broke up.

Bah-blah-blah.

Girls' stuff.

Oh, she said you slept with...

Who was it?

Oh yes, Chloé!

My wife.

Hervé.

When I asked her,
"Did you sleep with Harold?"

She said...

"Please forgive me!"

It's a living nightmare.

Hang on.
Hervé, let me explain.

Everyone, please!

I just had a talk with Harold

and I'd like to share it with you.

How long's it been? 19 years?

Whatever, my best friend!

I hired him when he was down.

Didn't even have the qualifications.

He was my friend, right?

Remember? You disagreed.

You never could stand him.

You don't like him.

I'd never do that,
I'm your son's godfather!

Oh yes!

The icing on the cake.

He's my son's godfather.

And only last week,
I gave him a promotion.

And you know what he does
to thank me?

No?

No one?

Hervé.

- He screws my wife.
- I didn't.

I send him to Paris for 2 days.

He gets her drunk...

and fucks her!

False. You're talking shit.
Don't listen.

Denis, if I gave you a promotion
would you screw my wife?

Don't answer.

- Answer me honestly.
- Don't answer.

- No.
- You see, Denis wouldn't do it.

But who knows,
maybe he's an exception.

What about you?

The young trainee. What's your name?

Karim.

Karim...

Would you fuck
your best friend's wife?

No.

- You and your dick, you're fired.
- No.

I quit.

Because a real friend
would give me the benefit of the doubt.

Didn't do a thing.

Didn't touch her.

Maybe I should've.

But I'm not like that.

I know, it's stupid.

But I'm not like that.

No, take your time.

Finish up.

Thanks, captain.

I'm done.

To the station!

There he is.
Look at the state the poor guy's in.

You...

You won't get upset?

I never get upset, honey.

I'll calmly explain things.

They're responsible officials.

I'm an honest taxpayer.

We'll get on marvelously.

I'm going.

That idiot.

He's not serious.

I don't believe it.

Stop it!

Goodbye.

- How's everyone?
- Awful.

My back is killing me.

I slept on a cement bench.

And me, in the car!

I'm fed up with both of you!

Forbidding is forbidden.

I'm gonna throw up.

No way. Get in the front seat.

At home,
it's straight to the shower.

You both stink!

I'm sorry, Coline.
I'm only trouble for you. I'm lost.

Oh, shit.

- What, is he sick?
- No, Garance is here.

Shit!

- Hide!
- Stop it!

Don't stop, drive around the block.

- I'm gonna be sick.
- Shut up.

Quiet.

Easy does it!

- We'll pick you up later.
- You hurt me!

Just be quiet.

Are you ok?

You're in the neighborhood?

I wanted to bring the drill back.

Didn't you guys see me?

Why are you
driving around like that?

Like what?

With Dad in the back
like the Queen of England.

It was a first.
It made your father happy.

You know,
cooped up all day long inside.

Want to come in?
You probably need to go.

Yes, I have to go.

Too bad. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

Bye-bye!

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye!

I can't take anymore.

- Stop.
- Eggs are good for you.

Yeah, right.
That's what I miss most.

The morning cholesterol.

- I think I'll have some.
- It's forbidden!

For me too.

We can't keep meeting up in secret.

- It's getting absurd.
- You're right.

- We need to talk to her.
- I'll do it.

We need to set things straight.

Sometimes
you have to put your foot down!

Alert!

- There she is!
- Oh, shit!

Here, take this!

- The fork!
- There, the fork.

The frying pan.

The frying pan!

-You take it!
- I don't eat eggs!

- You deal with it.
- Bastard!

Yoo-hoo, it's me again!

Hello again, sweetie.

It's silly,
I forgot to give you the drill.

Am I disturbing you?

Sweetie,
you drop by whenever you want.

There's no problem!

What's this?

What?

These eggs.

They're mine!

They said on TV
that before noon it didn't count.

Don't be silly,
they said once a year.

- You can eat them.
- Yes.

And today's the day.

Are you alright?

Sorry, I...

I was wondering if you weren't...

with Harold.

- What?
- Who?

Oh God, I can't think
of horrible things like that.

Dad, stop eating those eggs.

Since you brought it up...

- Isn't it time you made up?
- Yes.

Stop right there.

- Your life is ahead of you!
- I won't build it on lies.

You're impossible!

What's the issue?

Whether or not he slept with Chloé?

Well yes, he did!

There. It's not like
he's leading a double life.

He messed up one time!

- You can't throw your life away.
- We've understood.

Your mother's trying to say
you need to move on.

Not stay fixated.

Stop eating that.

It's strange but...

that makes me feel better.

It's very strange, but it feels good.

I needed that wake-up call, Mom.

I almost fell for it.

It seemed like too much.
All the evidence pointing to him.

I was this close
to calling him and starting afresh.

What an idiot I am.

- That's not exactly....
- Hush.

I have to go, I'm late.

Bye-bye. See you later.

Good job.

Why?

It just came out.

You do whatever it takes.
Send flowers,

get down on your knees,
write poems, sing serenades...

You make her cry, and bam!
You knock her up.

I've tried! She won't talk to me.

I want grandkids. It's my right.

The loan was refused?

Yes, because your husband is...

a man. So he will...

cheat on you
and dump you like...

- A piece of shit.
- Yes.

- Your life will be ruined.
- But no...

- You have a good week, sweetie?
- Normal.

What did you guys do?

The usual retiree stuff.

Very exciting. I got new glasses.

- His back hurts.
- My knees too.

We watched the news on TV.

Twice a day.
We raise the volume.

The two of you?

- Yes.
- Of course.

It's funny,

because last week
something was bothering me.

And now I know why.

So, I just wanted to know.

What's unclear about:
"Never see him again"?

You hired a detective to follow us?

Yes.

Ok, we saw him again. But just once.

It's because he's unhappy.

He's lost his fiancée,
his job, his best friend.

We were afraid
he'd do something stupid.

He's hit rock-bottom. He's broken.

He cries all day.

Not there.

So.

This is you... Dad.

Mom.

And me, Garance, your daughter.

Cheated on.

Unhappy.

This...

is the ex.

You cannot...

go to the optician's,

eat cotton candy,

or even just have fun with him.

It's forbidden, you can't do it.

Otherwise,

you will no longer see

the unhappy daughter.

Look, we just
can't cut the umbilical cord!

Excuse me?

Hang on, the cord is with me.
Not your ex-son-in-law.

We're not machines, good Lord!

It's your fault.

You're the one
who introduced him to us.

You wanted us
to accept him, and we did.

Then from one day to the next,
we forget him?

You wanted us to love him.
Well, there!

We love him.

C'mon, eat your green beans.

Hurry up, come on.

Stop whining.

Did you know
tablets can receive SMS messages?

Can't you see
I'm feeding my son?

Oh, sorry.

Yes, I know,
but I removed the option. Why?

Why? Because I reactivated it.

Who's Cristal?

Spelling's not her thing.

"Doggie-style..."

has two "G's." You'll tell her?

We're separated.

Yep. It's sad, but that's life.

- Well...
- Hang on.

Look, I...

I know you're suffering too.

I never wanted this.

Me either.

No one did.

- I'm going.
- Hang on one second.

How did this happen?

My love.

Go on, answer. No problem.

No, it's nothing important.
It's work.

You're unemployed.

Who is it?

Is it her?

Chloé?

It's Chloé.

Listen here, you fat slut.

You ruined my life,

and screwed me,
but it's finished, I'm done with you.

I hope you burn in hell,
you dirty whore!

You hear me?

Everything ok?

Not really.

Dad!

Came to inspect?

Hang on, I'm coming.

Can you manage with all that gear?
Must not be easy alone.

I won't say it's easy.

It's a pain.

I liked doing it with someone
whose name is forbidden.

So I do it alone.

That's life. I do what I'm told.

We had coffee.

And?

Chloé called him.
Right there in front of me.

You know who called me today?
Mr. Morinho.

To trim the lime tree.

- And he's not my lover.
- It's different!

- It's the same!
- No.

What's so shameful about forgiving?

Now I've heard it all.

You wops are unbelievable.

You refuse to see your dad.

I don't even know

my grandfather,
and you talk about forgiving.

I'm sorry,
I didn't want to bring that up.

I didn't want to hurt you.

It's the past.

And it's not your business.

- It's between him and me.
- Not my business?

I have a grandfather out there
who I don't know.

- It's kind of dumb.
- Yes, it is.

Can't change it.

And as a husband,
there wasn't much to forgive.

Mom is the absolute dream wife.

You know, couples...

At least she didn't cheat on you.

Sure.

Whatever.

Whatever what?

Just plain whatever.

Mom cheated on you?

This isn't about us, it's about you.

Are you going to try
and patch things up or not?

If couples separated
over the slightest slip.

- Want me to help you with your gear?
- No, thanks.

You have to go.

Ok, well...

Have a good day.

Hello.

I need some extra towels, please.

Yes.

It's my second shower today.

That's too much?

Listen here....

I'm a polite guy,

but I will not discuss
my personal hygiene with you.

I need more, these are wet.
Thank you.

That was quick.

You didn't need to run.

Chloé?

Hi.

Hi.

I remembered it was your birthday.

Thanks, Chloé, but...

you coming here
is not a good idea.

- You know...
- What are you doing?

Listen to me.

Other than with you,
I never slept around.

I'm not like that.

It's not a coincidence
what happened that night.

It was a sign.

You don't find me attractive?

Yes, of course.

But...

that's not the point.

My towels.

Happy Birthday...

I guess
it's no use trying to explain.

You've strung us along
from the start.

It's true that
from your perspective...

It kind of looks like that.

Who's that?

The woman in a bra
in my hotel room is Chloé.

Just for everyone's information,

nothing happened.

That's my dry towels.

Hello.

It's Garance!

- Go into the bathroom!
- Harold, it's me.

- Can we talk?
- Coming!

I won't go in there with that woman!

You want Garance to see you here?

Come on!

You're a strange one.

I'm coming!

Can I talk to you?

Sure, talking is good.
But not here.

We'll go downstairs.

It's a mess here.

You go downstairs.
I'll get dressed and come down.

Wait a second.
I need to talk now, because...

It can't wait.

I didn't send off
our separation papers.

Why not?

Because my parents are really upset

about not seeing you anymore.

And?

And I still love you and it hurts.

- What did she say?
- Hush.

- Be quiet.
- You be quiet!

Shit!

- What's that noise?
- What noise?

I didn't hear anything.

We'll continue this conversation

downstairs, because...

- Look!
- I didn't do it on purpose!

I know a great bistro.

I'll get dressed and come down.

I don't want to go downstairs.

What's going on?

- Oh no!
- You're out of your mind!

It's the room next door.

The TV's on too loud.

- You know?
- Yeah.

Wait!

I see.

I don't know what to say.

I'm drawing a blank.

Fucking hell.

Really?

This is a Nazi farce.

This isn't what you think,
or what you see.

In terms of true cruelty,

this is...

the Sistine Chapel of horror.

I think you'll never do better.

I'm afraid life
might bore you after this.

Hang on, Garance.

- I can explain.
- No.

Ok then, I'll get going?

Yes.

Good idea.

So, where were we?

You can keep seeing him because...

you'll never see me again.

No!

Darling, I understand...

I'll stop you right there.

If there's one person
who should shut up,

- it's you.
- Excuse me?

I believe
you know all about cheating.

What?

- Oh shit.
- I'm sorry, but...

I'm not as big-hearted as Dad.

Why'd you tell her?

I didn't say a word.

It's Dad who told me.

I'm off to change my fingerprints,
blood type and DNA.

Hang on, not so fast.

I'd like to understand
what she said, even roughly.

Coline?

What matters is Garance's happiness.

I don't care about that.
You told Harold you had an affair?

No, it wasn't exactly like that.
It's more complex.

Did you tell him
you cheated on me?

But you knew!
Because you went and told Garance!

What irony!

I insinuated that you had an affair.

But I only made it up
so she'd forgive him.

So.

Did you cheat on me, yes or no?

Yes.

All these years,
you made a fool of me!

With your army of lovers!

It was just once.

Once a week, once a day?

So when you

went shopping, you got off
with each shopkeeper?

Nymphomaniac! Look at me!

What an ass I was!

And me, not a single time.
Not once!

And I sure had my

- opportunities!
- With who?

With... I can't think right now.

But trust me, women...
I don't give names, I'm a gentleman.

Honey,
it was one time 30 years ago!

No more "honey." Whore!

Dad, are you crazy?

Hang on.
What about statutory limitations?

Statutory limitations? Interesting.

You're the one saying that?

You're a nutcase.

You'll end up all alone like...

like me!

Like father like daughter.
If you're mine.

It could've been the neighbor,
the butcher or Morinho!

That's nasty!

You all make me sick.

You'll never see me again,
any of you!

Forgot my jacket.

Never again.

Wait, Dad!

Thank you, Harold.

Thanks.

- Thank you.
- Have a nice trip.

- You don't need any help?
- I'm fine.

They're big machines.

Goddamn!

This time, I'm screwed.

Here, you can get...

- The 13.
- It's bad luck.

- There's the 7 and the 3.
- I can't get the 7.

You still don't get it.

I'll go for this one.

Hello, yes?

Hello, this is Garance.

I can't hear a thing!

It's Garance.

André's daughter.

Your granddaughter.

Hang on a second.

He never slept with my wife?

No.

How would you know?

Everyone's trashed
when you sign a contract.

Maybe you don't know,
but I don't drink.

In my position,
you need to be on top of things.

Sharp.

The company's image
is extremely important to me.

Go to bed.

- They're so cute!
- Knock it off!

Anyhow.

I was in my hotel room,

going over my dossiers.
I don't count my time, you know.

Suddenly,
a noise caught my attention.

I shut my laptop

and went outside.
And I saw Harold and Chloé

talking in the hallway.

In the absolute...

In the absolute...

any guy in the world would.

Stop it!

He's a fool!

No, this is your room.

Visibly, Chloé was not feeling well.

- So she went into Harold's room...
- To fuck.

To throw up.

Harold left Chloé his room,

and went to bed in her room.

To sleep.

End of story.

I see, he's gay.

Then I went to bed to be in form
for my clients the next day.

It's Harold. Open up.

I mean, turn the lights off
and open up.

Why are you telling me this now?

Well...

It bothered me
that Harold lost everything...

for something that didn't happen.

He didn't do it.

So, if I've understood correctly...

You no longer talk to your parents

because your boyfriend
cheated on you.

Basically, yes.
Only it's a bit more complicated.

There's nothing complicated.

You're right, it's very simple:
everyone betrayed me.

The only family member

who didn't betray me,

is you, sir.

Don't call me sir.

It's you.

In 30 years, one time. Once!

I waited on him hand and foot.

Mistress, wife, nurse.

You're right,
one little slip doesn't mean a thing.

A roll in the hay
never killed anyone.

Give us another round!
This one's on me.

I'm Coline.

Bjorn and Rodrigo.

You see, Bjorn...

No, I'm Rodrigo.

I'm Bjorn.

Sparks always flew with your father.

- Even as a little boy.
- Sparks, that's it.

André never accepted
my new girlfriend.

In a sense, he was right...

but I wouldn't give in.

He either.

You haven't talked in...

37 years.

I don't see my son.

My son doesn't see his wife

or his daughter.

And you would rather spoil your life
than forget and move on.

What a dumb family.

Thank you for everything.

Grandpa?

See you soon?

See you soon.

37 years.

Hello?

It's Dad.

Coming!

- Oh, it's you.
- Hi.

Did you come to slug me?

Don't start in.

Say, that's a lot of towels.

Are you alone?

As you see.

What do you want, Hervé?

Uh, I saw Lopez.

What did he say?
That I'm a bastard and traitor?

No, he said that...

he saw everything
and that you didn't sleep...

What?

He saw everything
and you didn't sleep with...

- I didn't sleep with who?
- You didn't sleep with Chloé.

Holy shit.

That feels so good.

You ok?

I need a couple of minutes

to take this in.

You good?

Did you take it in?

Yeah.

You call Garance and tell her.
I'll go see her in person.

No, wait a second...

I wanted to ask you a favor,

but I don't quite dare.

Shoot.

I don't dare.

Come on, don't be shy.
What is it?

Let people think you screwed Chloé.

Listen to me!

I'll smash your face in.

You'd hit a guy in a wheelchair?

I would. With great pleasure.

- Come on, please!
- No way!

- I never ask for favors.
- Stop following me!

Excuse me.

Yes?

Have you
by chance seen this woman?

Yes.

Right there.

I meet you. That's it.

Gentlemen, your games.

Full house.

Ditto.

Four of a kind.

This feels good! And it's all mine!

Not so fast.

It's not over. There's one left.

River.

Fucking hell, that's good!

That feels good!

It's so good!

It's not good at all. Look here.

Royal flush.

Fuck me!

The bitch!

I don't believe it!

Shit.

You slut!

Go, Coline!

She won! She's hot!

Thanks, gentleman!

That made my night!

Hey, can you replace me?

The blond wiped me out!

Never seen anything like it.

Here's to you!

You dirty...!

And there he is.

My loving tender husband.

Meet my friends. Bjorn and Rodrigo.

Rodrigo.

No, I'm Bjorn.

I'm André.

Rodrigo.

I'm still André.

My father called me.

And I missed you.

It hasn't even been that long.

Yes, it has.

It's been too long.

My Coline.

Coline?

Hey, Coline...

Hey, Coline.

Coline!

Chloé found an SMS from Cristal.

Must've been refined.

I'm serious.
If we say you slept with Chloé...

And I slept with Cristal.

That's 1-all.

I can work things out.

But here, Chloé could divorce me.

And I love her. I mess around,
but I swear I love her.

You know what worries me?

I've listened to your crap
for so long,

I've started to see a certain logic.

Twisted, yes.

But logical.

You have to come.
It's Mom, I mean Coline.

Oh fuck.

That's good, you're hot. Go, dude.

Show me your speed walk!

Come on, I said speed walk!

That's not fast enough!

This is it. Turn left.

Slow down, careful!

Come on!

Emergency Room

Watch out!

I'll deal with Garance. Ok?

How is she?

We're still waiting to find out.

What happened?
Did she have an attack?

We don't know yet.

They're doing a bunch of tests.
We'll see.

It shouldn't be long.

I'm glad you came.

Only normal, you're family.

Family, yes.

You holding up, André?

We're waiting to see.

We'll see.

Most of the time,
it's nothing serious.

A cup of coffee, André?

I've had 4.
One more and I'll have an attack.

- Tea?
- No, I'm not thirsty.

I'm trying to find an excuse
to leave them alone.

- A cup of tea then.
- That's better.

Hervé told me, but...

I didn't get it.
I should keep saying that...

Don't try to understand.

What's important is that
you know I never lied to you.

Ever.

Do you still want me?

With my looks, I won't find better.

You have every right
to be mad at me.

Maybe I should have listened more.

Maybe.

But admit that...

I know, it got out of hand.

I don't want to end up alone
with a creaking front gate.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Sweetheart!

It was nothing.

I ate and drank
too much, but I didn't throw up!

Soup and vegetables are good too.

Did you hear her?

Don't all stand around crying.

Let's go.

- You in form, Coline?
- I'm fine.

- That's a shit chair.
- I'm not a pro.

It's not intrusive, we just said
siblings are good for kids.

- I'm an only child.
- That's what we said.

Oh, I see!
I'm an only child so I'm unstable.

Your mother is saying
that you can't ski on one ski.

Yes, on a monoski.

- A bicycle has two wheels.
- Not a monocycle.

Ok, there are cyclops too.

But most people have two eyes.

- The fish will be cold.
- I have fish up to my ears.

Don't you want to hunt for a change?

No, no, on.
We're fishers, not hunters.

- It's the same.
- No!

You hunt fish.

- Already.
- Garance, you go.

I got up last night.

You fed him once.
What about the other 3 times?

Ok, I'll go.

No, I'll go.
I know how to calm him down.

No, I'll go.

- If Dad wants to go.
- You sure?

Yes, it's diaper time.

- Who wants some?
- No, thanks.

With olives.

Say, Harold,

you oversold your rosé wine.
It's mediocre.

You joking?
It's fantastic and dirt cheap.

It's not worth more.

Stop arguing you two.

We're not arguing.

- It's bum wine.
- No.

Like your super deal 2 years ago.

- Ok, that was a slight mistake.
- A 60-bottle mistake!

We messed up one time!

Yep, 60 bottles.

I don't believe it!

One time, 2 years ago.
You never let go.

Don't say I hold a grudge
or I'll never forgive you!

Never!

What a dumb family!

What a beautiful child.

Adaptation: Julie Meyer

Thanks.
You have our loyalty card?

- Let me check.
- No, she doesn't have it.

She has everything but loyalty.

It was 30 years ago.

Any reductions
for cheated-on husbands?

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.