Beauty Queen Butcher (1991) - full transcript

♪

Hey, look, you guys.

It'’s the Silvis School
Queen Contest.

When it is?

Oh, my God,
it'’s October 25th,

I am so excited!

My mom'’s been buying me
clothes for this

since last Thanksgiving.

I have got to get a manicure.

That'’s only six weeks away!

This should be a breeze.



Oh, God, Muff.

You'’re going to enter?

We don'’t even
have a chance now.

You know you'’re gonna win.

The worst part
is is that one of us

will have to lose.

Not necessarily.

I'’m sure I can arrange it
so that none of you

have to be last.

I just got
a great idea.

Ta-ta, girls.

♪

Smooth move, fatty.

♪



How'’s my little...

Eartha?

Oh, I love you.

You'’re all that
I have left

since mom and dad died.

At least you never
make fun of me.

"Dear Ms. Loden,
congratulations.

You have been accepted
as a contestant

in the Silvis Slough
Queen Pageant.

There will be
an organizational meeting

to introduce all...

contest of talent, beauty,
style, and patriotism.

Once again,
thank you for submitting

your application,
and congratulations

on being chosen
for this contest.

Remember, it'’s not whether
you win or lose

but who has the best
all around package.

Sincerely,
Betty T. Prunish, chairwoman."

♪

[locker opening]

Hi, Cameron.

Huh, oh, hi.

Cameron, I'’ve been
dying to talk to you.

I got this letter
in the mail yesterday

from the Silvis Slough
Queen Pageant.

I can'’t believe it.

Well, what'’s it say?

It'’s says that I'’ve
been accepted as a contestant.

Phyllis, that'’s great.

You know, my great-grandmother
was one of the first queens

of the Silvis Slough.

And then my Aunt Edith,
she was the Pork Queen of '’59.

And then, of course,
there was my cousin Eunice

who was voted Ms. Congeniality
in the Ms. Woodchuck Contest.

You know, there is
a lot of royalty in my family.

I just never pictured
myself in a queen contest.

You know something, Phyllis?

I had a dream about you
last night.

I dreamt that you were
in the Queen Contest

with my great-grandmother.

Well, what happened?

I don'’t know,
my mom woke me up.

She had to vacuum up
some rug cleaner.

My dog, Beady,
peed on the shag carpet.

Well, it'’s kinda weird
that you had a dream

about a queen contest
with me in it.

Phyllis, I think
it was a premonition.

I think you are
supposed to be in that contest!

Do you really think so?

Yeah, Phyllis, I know so!

It'’s in the stars.

But, Cameron...

I'’m not skinny
and beautiful

like those other girls.

Look, just because Danny Gerig
played a practical joke

and showed that movie
on your butt,

now, that doesn'’t mean
you don'’t have

a beautiful soul.

Do you really think so?

Oh, that is the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

Phyllis, this is your
big chance to show the world

that you'’re not just
a fat slob,

you'’re also a human being
with feelings.

[bell ringing]

Oh, there'’s the bell.

I gotta go, Phyllis.

Yeah, me too.

I gotta go
to my cafeteria job.

Cameron, thanks for talkin'’
to me about the pageant.

I think I'’ll do it.

Great.

I'’ll see ya
at lunch.

Yeah, we'’re having
chipped beef on toast,

and I am making
lemon Jell-O with carrots.

I can'’t wait.

So, anyway, I got
this letter from the pageant.

And I think I'’m
gonna do it, Alma.

That is great, Phyllis.

You are such
a good person.

You work so hard here
in the kitchen.

Shoot, if they judge ya on, oh,
efficiency and cookin'’ talent,

you'’ll win hands down.

Thank you, Alma.

Why, girl, what ever
is the matter with you?

Oh.

I don'’t know.

I guess I just wish
my parents could be here

to see me enter this.

They'’d be so proud.

Phyllis, I bet your
mama and daddy

are looking down
on you right now,

and they'’re proud as punch.

You really think so?

Yes, I do.

Now, look here, girl,
you take this here

leftover Jell-O,
and you scoot on outta here.

You gotta make
that meetin'’ tonight.

Thank you, Alma.

You'’re so good to me.

It t'’weren'’t nothin'’.

Now, skedaddle.

Thanks, Alma.

I'’ll let you know
how it goes.

All right.

♪

Hey, Muffy,
are you sure

Phyllis is comin'’?

I left a trail
of M&M'’s.

Don'’t worry,
she'’ll be here.

[laughing]

♪

Is this the contestant'’s
meeting?

Can I help you
with something, my dear?

I'’m here for the Ms. Slough
Queen Contestant'’s meeting.

Surely, there'’s been
some mistake.

Are you sure you don'’t
want the cooking class?

It'’s down the hall,
in room 201.

No, I'’m here for the
Ms. Slough Queen Contest.

Well, let me check.

Your name, my dear?

Phyllis Loden.

Phyllis.

Phyll--

Phy--

Oh, here it is.

Phyllis Loden.

May I just take
a peek at your letter?

Sure.

Thank you.

Well, since we'’re all
present and accounted for,

I suppose we have to call
this meeting to order.

Ms. Loden,
why don'’t you have a seat

with the other contestants.

Have a seat,

Phyllis.

[laughing]

That'’s good.

Now, girls,
for those of you

who may not know me,
I am Betty Prunish,

executive chairwoman
of the Slough Queen Pageant.

[clapping]

[laughing]

There, there.

Now, thank you very much.

Now, girls,
I would like to explain

a few things
about this contest.

First point of order, of course,
is the judging system.

And now, then, girls,
all girls will be judged

in three categories.

One, talent,
two, swimsuit/evening gown

and three, scholastic
achievement/question and answer.

Excuse me, Mrs. Prunish,
I hate to interrupt,

but, how many points are based
on scholastic achievement?

Well, the point breakdown
is as follows, for talent,

25 percent, for swimsuit/evening
gowns, 70 percent,

and for scholastic
achievements/question and answer

five percent.

[laughing]

Thank God.

[crunching]

And, girls,
let me remind you,

let'’s try to watch
our calorie intake

over the next few weeks
before the pageant.

Let this be your
personal creed.

"Eat smart, think thin,
and win!"

Excuse me,
I'’m very sorry.

Phyllis, Phyllis,
thank God I found you.

[exhaling]

I--I was cat sitting
Eartha, like you told me to,

and she got out of the house,
and she ran up a tree.

The fire department is there.

She won'’t come down.

Eartha was hissing
and everything.

One guy got clawed.

They'’re gonna chop
down the tree!

You gotta come home
right away!

They'’re pissed.

Oh, my God.

Eartha, my kitty.

Ms. Prunish,
I gotta go.

My kitty Eartha'’s in trouble.

Who was that...

boy?

That was Cameron Owens,
all time major geek

of the universe.

He actually hangs
out with that thing,

Phyllis Loden.

I see.

Girls, let me end
with a few final thoughts,

first, I want you all
to concentrate on this pageant.

Second, I want none of you
to display yourselves

in the fashion that I saw
displayed before me

in this room tonight.

And third, I want
that Larder girl out

of my pageant!

Since it is impossible
to do anything about that now,

you are each personally
charged with a mission.

Make this pageant
a living hell for her.

Do we understand
each other, girls?

Good.

Thank you all
for coming this evening.

May the best girl win.

And we all know
who won'’t.

Next time,
we are not coming out.

Oh, I'’m sorry.

I'’m so sorry!

My poor baby.

She thinks I'’m going
after that damn cat again,

she can just forget it.

Geeze, the way she looks,
it'’s a wonder

she hadn'’t eaten that cat.

I'’d run up a tree, too,
if I saw her comin'’ at me.

[engine starting]

Poor baby.

My poor baby.

Cameron, how did this happen?

Well, I was watching Jeopardy,
and I was winning, as usual,

and I spilled some milk
down the front of my pants

and then when I went
to go get a towel

to clean it up,
I saw the paper boy ride by,

so, I figured I'’d go out
and get the paper.

And when I opened
the screen door,

Eartha got out,
and then Mr. Coldwell'’s dog

was sitting there,
and he took off after her.

And Eartha went tearing
up that tree.

I didn'’t even get a chance
to see the bonus round.

That'’s what happened.

Oh, well, I'’m just glad
she'’s okay.

She'’s all I have, you know.

Cameron, you were so smart
to call the fire department.

I don'’t know what
I'’d do without you.

Well, it--it wasn'’t
that hard,

except that when I hit
the auto dial emergency number

on the phone,
it was Rapid Ready Pizza.

Did you know
that it was wrong?

Oh, wow.

That'’s kinda weird.

I wonder how
that happened?

Oh, well.

Thanks anyway.

Hey, sure,
no problem.

Oh, so how'’d
the meeting go?

Great.

Oh, that Mrs. Prunish
is so nice.

She gave us tips
on how to win and everything!

I actually think
I may have a chance.

Now, all I have to do
is come up with a talent

and get a swimsuit
and an evening gown.

Well, that shouldn'’t
be that hard.

Hey, you took tap
for that--at that

Ms. Levon School of Dance,
what, two years

back in grade school, right?

♪

And ya have a swimsuit,
you know, the one

with the little ruffle
in the back?

♪

And an evening gown
shouldn'’t be that hard.

♪

You can make it
or something.

Sure, I took
home ec last semester.

I can whip one up
in no time!

I'’m sure I have extra
material lying

around the house.

This is gonna be great!

♪

♪ Don'’t ya know
ya got what it takes

to be a queen ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ Ah, ya got the walk and the
look that'’s really mean ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ Got a sense of style
that'’s gonna knock '’em dead ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ When you strut
your stuff,

they'’re gonna
lose their heads ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ Ooh, killer queen,
wants that tiara ♪

♪ Ooh, killer queen,
today and not tomorrow ♪

♪ She'’s got the hair,
and she knows how to wear it ♪

♪ She'’s got the lips
that talk so sweet ♪

♪ She'’s got the eyes
that promise pure devotion ♪

♪ She'’s got her legs
that'’ll knock

you off your feet ♪

♪ She'’s got the clothes, and she
knows how to wear '’em ♪

♪ She'’s got a look
that'’s long and lean ♪

♪ She'’s got the poise,
and she knows how to show it ♪

♪ She'’s got the heart
of a killer queen ♪

♪ There'’s a girl
who'’s born to wear the crown ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ Stand well back,
and watch her ♪

♪ Ain'’t no other queen
gonna keep her down ♪

♪ Ooh, killer queen,
wants that tiara ♪

♪ Ooh, killer queen,
today and not tomorrow ♪

♪ She'’s got the hair,
and she knows how to wear it ♪

♪ She'’s got the lips
that talk so sweet ♪

♪ She'’s got the eyes
that promise pure devotion ♪

♪ She'’s got the legs
that'’ll knock

you off your feet ♪

♪ She'’s got the clothes, and she
knows how to wear '’em ♪

♪ She'’s got a look
that'’s long and lean ♪

♪ She'’s got the poise,
and she knows how to show it ♪

♪ She'’s got the heart
of a killer queen ♪

♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ She'’s got the hair,
and she knows how to wear it ♪

♪ She'’s got the lips
that talk so sweet ♪

♪ She'’s got the eyes
that promise pure devotion ♪

♪ She'’s got the legs
that'’ll knock

you off your feet ♪

♪ She'’s got the clothes ♪

♪ She'’s got a look ♪

♪ She'’s got the poise ♪

♪ She'’s got the heart
of a killer queen ♪

♪

♪ She'’s got the clothes ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ She'’s got a look ♪

♪

♪ She'’s got the poise,
and she knows how to show it ♪

♪ She'’s got the heart
of a killer queen ♪

♪

♪ She'’s got the heart
of a killer queen ♪

I was so nervous,
I took two Dramamine

before we came down--oh,
hey, Phyllis, look.

See, see, huh?

[laughing]

Okay, do you have
your evening gown?

Yeah, I'’m wearin'’ it.

Yup, okay,
you'’re wearing it.

Do you have your swimsuit?

Yeah, under my dress.

Good.

Costume?

Yeah.

The tap shoes?

Yeah.

Tape?

Oh my gosh, no.

Well, don'’t worry,
I'’ll run back and get it.

You'’ve still got
about 20 minutes

before they announce
you guys.

Thank you, Cameron.

Say, while you'’re out,
could you pick me up

a box of Twinkies?

I only have one left.

Yeah, sure, all right,
okay, I'’ll be back

in a few minutes.

Hurry.

Hello.

Well, well, looks
like we'’re all here.

Yeah, and some of us
are more here than others.

[cackling]

So, tell me, Phyllis,
what are you going to do

for your talent?

Eat?

[cackling]

I'’m doin'’ a tap dance.

Oh, God!

I'’m doing a dance!

Like you'’re actually worried?

What song are
you dancing to,

"The Baby Elephant Walk?"

[cackling]

[distant chattering]

Well, girls, I hope
you'’re all ready.

My, what an exciting day
this is for all of us.

Listen, the auditorium
is almost full,

and people are coming
in fast and furious.

I think we'’re gonna
have a sell out.

Girls, I'’d like
to take this opportunity

to tell you how much
I'’ve enjoyed working

on this contest.

It has been my personal
delight and privilege

to get to know each
and every one--

What the?

Psst, hey, Phyllis, psst.

Hey, ya in there?

Oh, excuse me,
Mrs. Prunish.

I forgot my tape,
and my friend

went to get it for me.

I'’ll be right back.

Well!

That reminds me.

I hope all of you girls
recall our earlier conversation

regarding that woman.

I will be checking
to make sure

that progress has been made.

And I would hate
to see any of you

lose points for
not cooperating.

Not to worry, Mrs. P.

I'’ve got it
all under control.

That'’s my girl, Muffy.

Let'’s hope that
the rest of you girls

are working on this
little project of ours.

I want this to be
the most humiliating experience

of her life.

Don'’t let me down.

I think we'’ve each
got a little scheme cooked up

for our fine, fatty friend.

♪

Here, I brought Eartha.

She kept trying
to get out.

Oh, great!

Oh, here, I also brought
your tape and your Twinkies,

and I brought the rest
of that sandwich

you left sittin'’
on the counter last night.

Eartha'’ll bring me luck.

Thank you so much.

Well, I better get back
to the meeting.

Wish me luck!

Oh, hey, Phyllis,
here, good luck.

Well, girls--

Thanks again, Cameron,
I really appreciate it!

Oh, I'’m sorry.

What were you saying?

Oh my stars.

I don'’t believe this.

Well, dear,
you didn'’t miss that much.

I was simply wishing
everyone the best.

[sneezing]

Bless you, dear.

[sneezing]

Goodness, dear,
are you all right?

It'’s my aller--

[sneezing]

my allergies.

She'’s allergic to cats.

[sneezing]

Cats?

Well, why in the world
would she start that now?

That'’s why!

[sneezing]

Loden brought her cat in here!

Oh my God.

Ms. Larder,
you will have to remove

that cat at once!

I can'’t.

She keeps running away,
and there'’s no one

to take care of her.

I don'’t know what to do.

She'’s all the family
that I have.

Get it out.

Get it out!

Oh my God, I'’m starting
to puff up!

Get that thing outta here!

Ms. Larder,
I don'’t care

what you do with it,
just get it out of here!

Yes, ma'’am.

Yes, ma'’am.

What a mess.

Five minutes until
the pageant starts,

and now this happens.

Girls, hop to.

The show must go on.

Shelley,
you'’ll be on first

in the talent competition.

Elizabeth, dry your eyes,
you'’ll be fine.

It'’s all that
Larder girl'’s fault.

Just once before I die,
I'’d like to have

a pageant start on time.

[stomping]

Look at me,
I'’m a mess.

And I go on
in five minutes.

Alison, get her bag.

Her medicine'’s in there.

Shelley, get a cold
towel for her face.

She'’ll be fine
in five minutes.

Oh no!

I'’m starting
to get puffy.

Look at me,
I'’m all blotchy!

I can barely breathe.

Elizabeth, get a grip.

You'’ll be fine.

You always are.

Don'’t worry.

We'’ll get that sow.

I guarantee it.

I'’m gonna get that
fat Phyllis Loden

if it'’s the last
thing I do,

and her fat cat, too.

♪

♪

Welcome, welcome everyone, to
the Miss Slough Queen Contest.

[applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen,
it'’s my great pleasure

to introduce to you
the Executive Chairperson

of the Silvis Slough
Queen Contest,

the lady who makes it all
happen, Ms. Betty Prunish.

Come on down, Betty.

Let'’s have a warm
round of applause.

Thank you, thank you.

It is an honor
for me to be among you

at this illustrious
occasion,

especially since
this marks my 10th year

with the pageant.

[clapping]

Oh, no, no, no, no, please, no.

Weeks and weeks of hard
work and preparation

are now culminating
in what I know will be

our best pageant ever.

But then, you already know that.

[snorting]

But enough frivolity.

Larry, please introduce
our contestants.

Our first contestant
is a senior

at Silvis High School,
head cheerleader

for the home team,
and candy striper

at Franciscan Hospital,
please help me welcome

Muffy Fairlane!

[applause]

♪

Our next contestant is a junior
at Silvis High School,

member of the Spanish club
and treasurer

for the Student Council.

Please help me welcome
Ms. Shelley Styles.

[applause]

♪

Our next contestant
is a senior at Silvis High.

She'’s a member
of the yearbook staff

and secretary of the Future
Secretaries of America Club,

Alison Murphy.

[applause]

♪

Our next hopeful
is also a senior at Silvis High,

soloist at the First
Episcopal Church

and member of the Silvis
High Swingers Swing Choir,

Elizabeth McKay.

[applause]

♪

Our last contestant
is vice president

of the Silvis Chemistry Club,
member of the Future

Homemakers of America Society
and works part-time

in the school cafeteria
specializing in Jell-O making,

Ms. Phyllis Larder--oh,
excuse me, Loden.

[clapping]

♪

Take a good look
at our contestants.

They'’ll be leaving us
to prepare for the first

portion of our contest,
the talent competition.

[applause]

♪

Thank you, ladies.

[clapping]

And as our contestants
are leaving,

I'’d like to entertain
you with one

of my favorite tunes.

Hit it, Betty.

Who will she be?

Who will that lucky
lady be?

Who will be
our new Slough Queen?

♪

♪ Who is she,
that special girl,

with an incandescent smile ♪

♪ Who is she,
that lucky lady,

with the effervescent style ♪

♪ Who is she
that sports the sash

and is to wear our tiara born ♪

♪ Who is she whose
picture will be

in the paper tomorrow morn ♪

♪ Who'’s our new queen ♪

♪ Our true blue queen

♪ Who'’s our Slough Queen ♪

♪ The prettiest of them all

♪ She has got
a winner'’s way ♪

♪ And a charm that'’ll
melt your heart ♪

♪ Add to that
a grade point average

and a sense of presence
that sets her apart ♪

♪ She'’s our new queen ♪

♪ Our true blue queen

♪ She'’s our Slough Queen ♪

♪ The prettiest
of them all ♪

[coughing]

Shit.

Out of my way!

Where is my sax?

Oh, I am so nervous!

Hey, have they
called my name yet?

Where is my reed?

Okay, okay.

I'’ve got my music stand.

Oh no, where'’s my music?

Move it, Larder!

I swear, you should
have your own dressing room

and give the rest
of us some air!

Could someone please
get Mrs. Prunish?

Shelley Styles!

Oh my God, that'’s me!

Oh, that'’s me!

Good luck, Shelley.

Save the attempt
for Ms. Congeniality, Lard-ass.

Prunish has to be here
to see it.

Lord knows that'’s
the only thing

you'’ll have a shot at.

[cackling]

[applause]

[snapping]

♪

Hey, Elizabeth,
don'’t you think

you should have a snack
before you go on?

I would,
but I am so swollen up

that I can barely swallow,
let alone sing,

thanks to a certain someone!

♪

[applause]

Elizabeth, you'’re on!

Ooh, I'’m still all puffy!

Where'’s my Kleenex?

I'’ll never forgive
you for this, Larder.

Oh, my throat!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ms. Elizabeth McKay.

[applause]

♪

♪ Oh, when the saints,
go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints
go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, I want to be
in that number ♪

♪ When the saints
go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints

♪ Oh, when the saints

♪ Go marching in

♪ Go marching in

♪ Oh, when the saints
go marching in ♪

♪ I want to be
in that number ♪

♪ When the saints
go marching in ♪

♪ In

♪ In ♪

[sneezing]

[clapping]

Before we bring out
the contestants,

there are a lot of people
we would like to thank

for making this pageant
a reality.

Here.

You look like
you could use some help.

Come on.

Well, well, well,
did you see this, Alison?

It looks almost exactly like
your costume!

Only, it'’s a little
bigger, of course.

Oh my God!

I can'’t believe this!

You idiot!

I suppose you'’ve
been spying on me.

Can'’t come up with your own
ideas for a costume?

You have ruined everything,
you humongous cow!

It is bad enough
you have wrecked things

for Elizabeth,
now you'’re starting in on me!

Now our next hopeful
will be performing--

I will get you
for this, butthead.

[clapping]

♪

My, my, my,
that certainly was

an unfortunate coincidence...

if it was a coincidence.

Oh well, I'’m going
to go outside and watch Alison,

that way I'’ll be ready
when it'’s my turn to go on.

Ta-ta, Phyllis.

♪

Oh, this is all going wrong.

Why does everyone
hate me so much?

I didn'’t know Alison
had the same costume I did.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

♪

I gotta get ready.

♪

[clapping]

There are a lot of people
we would like to thank

for making this pageant
a reality.

Let'’s recognize
the following sponsors,

Silvis Hardware
and Paint Store,

We Be Queens Photography,
Treble World, U-Pull Auto Parts,

Mary Anne'’s Muffin Shop,
Bowl-a-rama,

Pink Poodle Laundromat,
Mr. Todd'’s--

[laughing]

Phyllis.

Oh my God,
I'’m so sorry, Phylli.

[sobbing]

I'’m so embarrassed.

All those people staring at me.

It'’s that--that
Muffy Fairlane.

She'’s such a witch,
her and that gaggle of females

she calls friends.

And that jock boyfriend of hers.

What am I gonna do?

I can'’t go out there now.

[crying]

I'’m gonna drop out.

No.

No, you'’re not, Phyllis.

That'’s exactly what
they want ya to do.

Why else would they
pull such

a cheap and childish prank?

Hey, you know what I think,
I think they'’re actually

afraid you'’re gonna
win this contest.

So, you know what
you'’re gonna do, Phyllis?

You are gonna suck it in.

You'’re gonna wipe
away those tears.

You'’re gonna put
on those tap shoes,

square off your shoulders,
and face those people

like a man, huh?

And don'’t let '’em
get ya down.

Remember, when the going
gets tough,

the tough get going.

And nothing ventured,
nothing gained.

You have nothing to fear
but fear itself.

A fool and his money
are soon parted.

You can lead a horse
to water,

but you can'’t make
him drink.

Boldly go where
no man has gone before!

Frankly, my dear,
I don'’t give a damn.

The ball'’s in your court!

Now, let me hear ya
sound off, Loden.

I can do it.

What was that, Loden?

I can do it.

I can'’t hear you!

I can do it!

Yes, you can.

Now, go out there
and win this one

for the Gipper.

I will!

Phyllis, you wanna
finish getting dressed first?

Yeah.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the beautiful,

Ms. Muffy Fairlane!

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Ms. Larder, you'’re on.

The name is Loden,
Mrs. Prunish.

I see, well, that'’s no way
to go about winning

Miss Congeniality, is it?

I'’ll just make a note of that.

Larder out.

You'’re on.

♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ms. Phyllis Loden.

[clapping]

Thank you.

♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,

we seem to have had
an accident.

Is there a doctor, a vet,

anyone who can help
this poor girl?

Did you see that look
on her face, it was priceless.

I wish I would'’ve spilled
that coffee, that was so cool.

Serves her right,
the old hog.

Well, at least we didn'’t have to
watch her try and dance.

Well, girls, it looks like
we'’re going on

to the swimsuit portion.

Our little friend
is just fine.

She'’s just roughed up
a little bit

and she'’s insisting
that she'’s well enough

to go on with the contest.

Pity, she should'’ve gotten out
when she had the chance

to get out gracefully.

Well, it looks like
we'’ll be starting shortly,

so I'’d advise that you hurry
and to get ready.

Now, to save time, we'’re just
gonna send you out all at once

so the judges
can evaluate you.

Carry on!

Ladies and gents, we'’re ready
to start my favorite part

of the pageant,
the swimsuit competition.

We'’re gonna bring
all the contestants back out

so you, me, and the judges
can get a really good look.

♪

And now, the last part
of our program,

the question and answer segment.

If you were chosen
as Miss Slough Queen,

what will you do
with the prize money?

Well, I would use the money

to help starving children
in Africa.

Oh God, I don'’t know.

If I won, I'’d use the prize
money to become a famous dancer

and do U.S.O.
world tours and stuff.

I plan on using my title
to help retarded

and/or senior citizens
throughout the world.

I feel my talents are best used
by sharing them.

It'’s so important
to make people happy

and if baton twirling
makes them happy,

then I'’m happy and well,
everyone'’s happy

and we wouldn'’t have
all these wars and stuff.

I would probably be
an instrumental part

of world peace.

Well, I'’m not exactly sure.

I'’m torn between
medical research

specializing in oceanic farming

and donating the money
to the Humane Society.

Thank you.

There you have it,
ladies and gentlemen,

The five contestants
have given us their answers.

Now it'’s up to the judges
to decide

who will be our next
Miss Slough Queen.

[clapping]

I'’m glad I'’m not
in their shoes.

They'’re all just beautiful,
young--

They'’re almost all beautiful,
young women.

I would like to take
this opportunity

to remind you to stop by
the snack bar

and pick up a form from
the marching band boosters

to order a box of grapefruit.

The kids are trying to earn
enough money,

so they can take a road trip
to Omaha

to participate in the 43rd
Annual Fourth of July Parade,

so let'’s help them out
and buy their fruit.

What do you say?

[clapping]

Looks like the judges
have made their decision.

Our first award
is Miss Photogenic.

It'’s a bonus award
for one of our gals.

The winner will receive
a free sitting, an 8x10,

and four wallet-sized portraits,

compliments of We Be Queens
Photography.

And the winner is...

♪

...Muffy Fairlane!

♪

Well, I certainly know
why she won.

That is some serious eye candy.

Excuse me.

Now, our next award,
Miss Congeniality.

The winner of this award
is someone

who has displayed kindness,
outstanding citizenship

and politeness
to the other contestants

throughout the contest.

The winner will receive
a $25 gift certificate

at the Silvis Mall
and Food Court.

And our winner is...

♪

...Ms. Muffy Fairlane!

♪

[cheering]

That'’s one special
piece of lady.

Moving right along,
it'’s time to crown

our third runner-up.

The third runner-up will receive
a $10 gift certificate

to the Quick-Get Video Store
and a St. Olaf Farms Beef Log.

And the winner is...

♪

...Shelley Styles!

♪

[cheering]

The second runner-up will
receive a $20 gift certificate

to the Golden Flame Steakhouse
and a pick-me-up bouquet

From Mr. Bruce'’s
Floral Bouquet.

The lucky winner is...

♪

...Alison Murphy!

♪

[cheering]

Before we can announce
the first runner-up,

I'’d like to say that this
is a very important position.

If for any reason the winner
cannot fulfill her duties

as the reigning
Miss Slough Queen,

the first runner-up will become
the new Miss Slough Queen.

Our first runner-up will receive
a season subscription

to the Circus Dinner Playhouse

along with ten
free tanning sessions

from the Tropical Sun
Tanning Booth and Nail Parlor.

The winner is...

♪

...Elizabeth McKay!

♪

[cheering]

Well, folks, we'’re almost there.

Boy, I bet you two gals
are really excited.

Our winner will receive
a beautiful trophy

from Midwest
Horseshoeing Supply,

$300 cash, a full scholarship

to Silvis Vocational
Technical College

and use of a pre-owned
Lincoln Continental

for one full year, wow.

And now, the new
Silvis Slough Queen is...

...I knew it,
Muffy Fairlane!

♪

Thank you.

♪

Gee, Phyllis,
running off so soon.

I mean, there'’s gonna be
a lot of parties

and stuff tonight.

Aren'’t you gonna come?

-No.
-Oh, why not?

Everybody'’s gonna be there.

Well, anyone who
is anyone that is.

You know, Phyllis,
I'’m kind of curious

why you even entered
this contest.

You certainly don'’t seem
like pageant material.

I mean, you don'’t have
the clothes,

you don'’t have the talent,

you certainly
don'’t have the looks.

I mean, you don'’t even
have a boyfriend.

Oh, unless Cameron Fishpod
is your boyfriend

or whatever his name is.

And that'’d be worse
than none at all.

You really shouldn'’t have
embarrassed yourself like this.

It just makes it
that much harder

for those of us who really
take this contest seriously.

Oh, and I hope you don'’t even
try to talk to me

when you see me in public,
like at the mall or something.

You know why?

Because you are fleshy
and repulsive

and have no reason to live.

Why don'’t you just
do us all a favor

and drop dead?

Hey, Phyllis, lose something?

Chow down, Lard-ass.

♪

[knocking]

Phyllis?

Hey, Phyllis?

You in there?

Come on, open up!

Open up!

Go away, Cameron.

Leave me alone.

Come on, Phyllis, open the door.

You'’ve been in there
for three days.

You gotta come out some time.

Look, Phyllis, at least
just open the door

and let me come in, okay?

Phyllis, I am not leaving
until you open this door.

[knocking]

All right!

All right, keep your shirt on.

I really don'’t feel like talkin'’
to anyone right now, Cameron.

Oh, come on, Phyllis,
this isn'’t right.

You'’re having a major depression
over some stupid contest.

Look, we have got to get
you out of here

before something awful happens.

All right, come on,
we'’re going bowling.

Cameron, I don'’t feel
like doing anything.

Come on, we'’re going.

Look, this is all
for your own good.

I thought maybe after
we went bowling,

we could go on down
to Rapid Ready Pizza

and maybe get
an extra large triple

with everything
except anchovies, hmm?

How'’s that sound?

Well, I suppose I could use
some nourishment.

And some entertainment,
come on, let'’s go.

What about Eartha?

She'’ll be fine,
we won'’t be gone that long.

Come on, let'’s go.

Okay.

[chatter]

Well, well, well.

Look who'’s going to go pig out,
our little friend.

Oh God, that fat pig.

I will never forgive her
for ruining this pageant.

I'’m surprised she doesn'’t
have her cat with her.

I hate that thing,
we should kill it.

Good idea.

Since we have nothing
better to do,

what do you guys say
we pay a little visit

to our friend'’s house?

Come on, let'’s go.

All right, are you sure
this is all right?

Yeah, come on, get in back.

Come on, come on.

Let'’s go.

♪

I'’m really glad you made me

get out of the house tonight,
Cameron.

I guess I was going
a little crazy.

Yeah, I know, it'’s certainly
understandable, Phyll.

I mean, it'’s just like the time
that I didn'’t win

first prize at the science fair.

I was so depressed,
I slept for two days straight.

Yeah, anyway, I'’m just glad
you'’re feeling better.

I am.

But still, you wouldn'’t believe
the horrible things

those girls did to me.

It was so humiliating.

I learned my lesson, I will
never trust anyone again,

except for you and Eartha,

my only two real friends
in the world.

Phyll, you can'’t let them
get you down.

I mean, they'’re monsters.

Look, it'’s best that
we just forget about them

and the pageant and just move on
with your life, huh?

Hey, besides, a hundred
years from now,

none of this will matter.

You'’re right.

The usual?

♪

[whispering]

♪

-Shut up!
-I didn'’t say anything.

♪

-Shut up!
-I'’m not going to.

Keep it down.

♪

We are--

Shut up, you guys, you'’re gonna
wake up the whole neighborhood!

♪

Hey, we lucked out.

The Goodyear blimp forgot
to lock her door.

Come on, let'’s see what
old fatty'’s got inside.

Shut up!

♪

God, it stinks in here!

♪

Oh God, how gross!

What a pig.

Well, think about it, guys.

What did you expect?

Well, how fun is this?

We can'’t trash her house,
it already is.

♪

Ew!

What is that?

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.

I'’m gonna puke.

[collective panic]

♪

Oh God, it'’s just the cat.

[sneezing]

Oh God, there she goes.

Let'’s just put an end to this
once and for all.

Come here, kitty, come here.

What are you doing?

♪

Shut up, Elizabeth!

♪

Do something.

Nuke the damn thing
for all I care.

Just get rid of it!

Good idea, Lizzy.

Come on, guys.

Follow me.

♪

Alison, open the door.

-What?
-Alison, do it.

♪

[growling and hissing]

There, see,
that wasn'’t so hard.

Elizabeth, turn it on.

-Me?
-Yeah, you!

It was your idea.

I didn'’t actually mean
to nuke it.

It was just
a figure of speech, Muffy.

-I don'’t wanna do it.
-Elizabeth, do it!

You wanna be a part
of our group, don'’t you?

I suggest you get on with it.

Do it!

♪

Come on, Liz.

You guys, I just don'’t know.

And it'’s not right.

Shut up, it'’s just a cat.

Come on Elizabeth, do it.

♪

[exclaiming]

Get me out of here!

♪

[microwave bell dings]

Let'’s go.

♪

Cameron, I really had
a nice time tonight.

You'’ve been so sweet.

♪

Thank you for everything.

How can I ever repay you
for getting me

out of this depression?

Phyll, you don'’t
have to repay me.

I mean, I know you'’d do
the same thing for me.

Well, not that I'’d ever be
in a beauty pageant

and lose as bad as you did, but
I didn'’t really do anything,

just went with you for pizza
like we always do.

Hey, that'’s what
friends are for.

There you go,
see you again.

♪

Eartha?

Eartha, here, kitty!

Eartha, where are you, baby?

Kitty?

♪

I guess I'’ll just finish
this leftover pizza.

No sense letting it go to waste.

Eartha?

Here, kitty.

Eartha?

♪

No!

♪

[crying]

♪

You are fleshy and repulsive
and have no reason to live.

I'’ll get you for this, butthead.

See you around, fatty.

It was them!

Muffy and Elizabeth,
all of them!

They killed my cat, the only
thing I had in the world.

How could they,
how could they?

I'’m never going
to forget this.

I'’m not gonna take it anymore.

I'’m gonna kill them,
I'’m gonna kill them!

I'’m gonna kill them!

Phyllis hasn'’t answered
her phone all day.

Something must be wrong.

I'’m goin'’ over there.

♪

Phyllis?

[screaming]

No, no, Phyllis!

Phyllis, please stop it!

It'’s me, Cameron!

I thought you were
one of them.

One of who?

Phyllis, what are you
talking about?

Oh, I'’ll get them, don'’t worry.

I'’ll fix it so they
never hurt me again.

Phyllis, what are you
talking about?

-What happened?
-Go away, Cameron!

This has nothing to do with you!

I'’ve got business
to take care of, just get out.

But Phyllis, come on,
what'’s going on?

I said this has nothing
to do with you.

Mark my words,
I'’m gonna get them.

I'’ll get them even if it takes
me the rest of my life.

Oh no.

♪

See what they did
to my kitty?

I'’m gonna get them.

They'’ll never hurt me again.

Phyllis, Phyllis,
who did this?

When did this happen?

Phyllis, tell me, tell me!

Cameron, I told you
this is none of your business.

Just get out of here
if you know what'’s good for you.

-Get out.
-Phyllis?

Get out!

Get out of my house!

Get out!

Get out of my house!

Get out!

Get out!

He won'’t stand in my way.

No one.

And the cat was in
the microwave.

Last night was awful.

And naturally,
she'’s incredibly upset by it.

I would be too.

I am.

So, do you think you could
help me find out who did this?

I don'’t want her involved.

She'’d be very, very angry if she
knew that I came to see you.

She'’s been a very private
person lately

and I don'’t know how
she'’d react to an outsider

snooping around her business.

Well, Cameron, not being able
to talk to her

poses a bit of a problem
getting information, you know?

But as your uncle,
maybe I could swing it.

Do you know if
she had any enemies?

Well, she'’s not real
well liked

just because she'’s overweight.

Can you imagine that?

But she loves animals,
she'’s very, very kind

and there'’s nothing
that she wouldn'’t do to help me

if I needed it.

Other than that, I don'’t know of
anyone who would hate her enough

to kill her cat, I mean,
that'’s just cruel.

That'’s not much help.

It'’s gonna be a bit tricky

trying to pull something
together out of this.

But for you, kid, I'’ll try.

Besides, it'’ll be my first case
in this town.

I got nothing better to do.

Now, don'’t you worry.

I'’ll get right on this
and see if I can'’t find out

a few things for ya.

Thanks a lot, Uncle Dick.

I knew you wouldn'’t
let me down.

So long, huh?

So long, kid.

Great, just great.

I get to find me
a cat killer.

Oh well, got nothin'’
better to do.

Look out kitty killer,
old Dick the Private Dick

is on the trail.

You guys, I'’m still
totally freaked out

about what happened
the other night.

Just shut up, Elizabeth,
it'’s over!

I don'’t know, I think you went
too far, Muffy.

I mean, that was just cruel.

And what if she finds out?

She'’s not going to find out
and nothing is going to happen

unless one of you freaks out
and blabs everything.

So just keep
your big mouths shut.

Now, come on, let'’s just go.

I gotta go meet Paul.

We'’re going to the late movie.

What'’s wrong?

Aren'’t you guys coming?

♪

If you'’re gonna stay here, fine.

I'’m leaving.

♪

You guys, I'’m gonna go home.

Maybe Muffy can give me a ride.

I don'’t wanna go out either.

I'’m sleeping over at Alison'’s.

Yeah, let'’s just go back
to my house.

Yeah.

Muffy, wait.

♪

Well, there you go, Elizabeth.

You know, you guys are being
such dweebs about this.

It'’s Friday night
and none of you are going out.

You guys are no fun anymore.

It'’s not even ten o'’clock,
what am I supposed to do

for a whole hour while
I'’m waiting for Paul

to get off work?

I don'’t know, Muff, I'’m sure
you'’ll think of something.

See you later.

What a bitch.

Well, I guess I can
just drive around.

♪

That looks like my crown!

♪

I know I put it in here.

Where'’d it go?

Shit, that wacky can of Crisco
has my crown.

Where'’d she go?

Dammit.

I'’m gonna hurt her.

♪

All right, Lard-ass,
give me back that crown

before you slime it up
with your greasy hair.

Loden?

Phyllis?

Phyllis, Phyllis?

Come out, you disgusting pig!

Give me my crown!

Where are you?

♪

Come on, Phyllis,
you have my crown

and I want it back!

Phyllis?

Phyllis?

Phyllis, give me back
that crown right now.

Is this what
you'’re looking for?

Give me back that crown!

You want it?

Here!

♪

You wanted it so bad
it killed you.

♪

Look what you'’ve done.

You made the pretty crown
all dirty.

♪

You can'’t wear it like that.

Why don'’t I just
clean it up a bit?

♪

Oh dear, I better solder
this back together.

If Betty Prunish sees this,
she'’ll bust a gut.

Just like you, Muffy.

♪

And there she is,
ladies and gentlemen,

our new Silvis Slough Queen,
Elizabeth McKay.

Let'’s have a few words
from her.

Elizabeth.

Thank you, Mrs. Prunish.

What has happened
to Muffy Fairlane is a tragedy.

She was ruthlessly murdered
in cold blood

and her body thoughtlessly
ground in the Silvis Slough.

And if that wasn'’t bad enough,

she was found
by a bunch of geeks

from the science department
looking for samples.

I pray that the Silvis
Police Department

will find the murderers who--

I know that Muffy is up there,

competing in that big pageant
in the sky and winning.

And if I know Muffy,
no one else will even place

if she has anything
to say about it.

I intend to carry on
in Muffy'’s place

and fill her shoes
as best as I can.

Muffy Fairlane
was my best friend.

♪

I thought this was
a wee too soon.

Oh darling, come on,
I'’ll get you off the stage.

Are you okay?

Oh Paul, thank God you'’re here.

You have been such
a comfort to me.

What would I do without you?

Come on, let'’s get out of here.

Mrs. Prunish, can I have
the keys to the car?

As the new Slough Queen, I'’ll be
needing it to get around.

Well, yes, of course,
here they are.

Thanks, come on, Paul.

Well, she certainly seems
to be feeling better.

Now girls, you'’ve all moved
up one spot.

Alison, you'’re first runner-up.

Shelley, you'’re second
runner-up.

You, you'’re third runner-up.

Since we'’ve all moved up
a place, do we get new prizes?

No, if anything else
should happen, God forbid,

you'’ll all move up one spot.

Well, that'’s that,
now it'’s on

to the Junior Auxiliary Bazaar
and bake sale.

♪

Hey, Phyllis?

Hey, Phyllis.

Oh, hi, Cameron.

Hi, hey, what'’s the matter
with you?

We haven'’t talked or gone
for pizza in a long time.

Oh yeah, well, I'’ve been busy.

Yeah, doin'’ what?

Cameron, I got a lot of stuff
going through my head right now.

I'’m trying to get my life
back in order

ever since Eartha--you know.

Phyllis, I'’m really sorry
about Eartha.

I want you to know
that I'’m not mad at you

for kicking me out
of your house that night.

I understand, really, I do.

It'’s just that I'’m worried
about you.

Cameron, stop!

I don'’t want to talk
about this.

I don'’t want to talk
about anything.

In fact, I don'’t want
to see you anymore,

so quit callin'’ me,
quit tryin'’ to talk to me

and just leave me alone.

I can take care of myself,
I don'’t need anyone.

I'’m sorry, Cameron,
but that'’s the way I feel.

♪

I had to do it.

I had to do it, he was only
gonna get in the way

and get hurt.

I can'’t think about him.

I'’ve got work to do.

♪

Hey, fatty, see you around.

Let'’s go.

♪

Oh yeah, if I'’m gonna
move up in this world,

I'’ve got a lot of work to do.

♪

Paul, stop it.

It'’s okay, it'’s okay.

Paul, stop it.

Come on, Elizabeth, it'’s okay.

Muffy and I used to do it
all the time.

Quit bringing her name up,
I am not Muffy!

Sometimes, I don'’t think
you care who you'’re with

just as long as they have
the right equipment

for you to score.

Oh yeah?

Well, maybe you'’re right.

Maybe I don'’t care.

Maybe all you women
are the same,

leading men on and then
not putting out.

What a tease,
you make me sick.

Oh yeah, well, you make me
want to puke.

And if you think
that I am going out with you,

you are sadly mistaken!

I never want to see you again!

Oh yeah, well, have a nice
walk home, bitch!

Paul?

Paul?

Come back here!

You dick, Paul!

I'’m so sure
he did this to me!

What an asshole!

Well, I guess I better
start walking.

Maybe I'’ll make it back home
on time for school on Monday.

I don'’t believe this!

[hooting]

♪

Paul, you asshole.

Good thing you came back,
buster.

Hello?

♪

Oh, Elizabeth, it'’s you.

Geez, Loden, you nearly gave me
a heart attack!

What the hell are you doing
with that mask on?

God.

Oh, this?

It'’s been in my car
since last Halloween.

I was working on a project
for my nocturnal insects class

and I got a flat.

It'’s kind of scary out here,
so I figured I'’d put this on

to frighten away anyone
who may bother me,

with that murderer
on the loose and all.

So, what are you doing
out here all alone?

Paul and I got in a fight
and he took off

and left me here.

Creep.

Well, is he coming back?

I doubt it,
he was pretty upset.

So, are you gonna give me
a ride, Loden, or what?

Sure, I just finished
fixing the flat,

so I gotta put some stuff
in the trunk.

Do you wanna
give me a hand?

You mean, like, get dirty?

Well, maybe you could hold
the flashlight.

I suppose so.

Oops.

[smack]

♪

[whimpering]

[ripping]

♪

[whack]

♪

At the top
of tonight'’s news

another mysterious homicide
has hit our community.

Silvis Slough Queen,
Elizabeth McKay

was found in a remote
wooded area

by a group
of science students

collecting insects
for a class project.

These are the same students

that found the first
Miss Slough Queen,

Muffy Fairlane at
the Silvis Slough.

The entire class is now
being held for questioning

at the Silvis County jail.

We take you now
to the Silvis County jail

with our reporter,
Tammi Conklin live on the scene.

Tammi.

Thank you, Brian.

I'’m talking
with Darren Hopkins,

one of the students
that found Elizabeth McKay.

Tell me, Darren,

exactly what happened
when you found the body?

Well, we were on
a special project

to collect a series
of nocturnal insects

that are indigenous to the
wooded area near the Slough.

I was going after a particularly
large specimen

of Orthoptera beetle

when suddenly I tripped over
what I thought was a dead log,

and it was that girl.

Well, I blew my buddy whistle,
like you'’re supposed to.

[abrupt whistling]

When suddenly the Orthoptera
landed right on her face.

[chortling]

You have to understand,

this is an extra credit
insect worth 250 points,

which would take me well
over an A+ for the class.

The vibrations from the whistle
must have startled the insect,

because it went
right up her nose,

and became lodged deep
in the sinus cavity.

Well, I tried
to remove the insect

by clipping the nostrils in
a V formation but to no avail.

Then I attempted
to dislodge it

by administering several sharp
blows to the back of the skull,

thusly.

[snickering]

But still no luck.

Taking a roll
of electrical tape,

I sealed the mouth
of the corpse

and administered
a Heimlich maneuver, like so.

[snickering]

It was at this point in time

that I grasped the ankles
of the corpse firmly,

and began to shake.

[snickering]

Having no luck with
this course of action,

I engaged the help
of my classmates

to retrieve the specimen.

We began our descent
into the sinus cavity,

using a tweezers,
a set of pliers

and a Makita cordless drill.

Then the police came along,
causing us to give up our quest.

I think we get the idea,
thank you, Darren!

I would like to make a public
plea to the coroner

to please help us retrieve
our priceless specimen,

and return it to me,
Darren Hopkins

at the earliest possible
convenience, thank you.

Back to you, Brian.

Closed casket services
for Elizabeth McKay

will be held tomorrow

at the First Episcopalian
Church of Silvis.

In other news tonight,

a two-headed calf was born
at Cowland Farmer'’s cooperative.

The calf, named Flossy
and Bossy, is doing fine,

and appears to be
in excellent health.

Hey, Marv,
this is Dick.

Dick Richards.

The private dick.

Yeah, long time, no hear.

How'’s life at
the city morgue?

[laughing]

Fine, fine.

Listen, listen, Marv,

uh, I wonder if you
can do me a favor,

and let me take a peek at
that stiff you got in there

with the bug up her nose.

No, nothin'’ special,
just a hunch I'’m workin'’ on.

Uh, say, those students aren'’t
still hangin'’ around, are they?

I'’ll be right over.

♪

-Hi, Marv.
-Dick.

Well, which one is it?

It'’s this one over here.

Sure don'’t look like
a beauty queen now.

Damn kids really hacked her up
tryin'’ to get that bug.

Eww.

Looks kinda like
my ex-wife'’s meatloaf.

Yeah, they destroyed any kind
of evidence there may have been.

This is what they were after.

Look at that thing,

makes you sick,
don'’t it?

I mean, what kinda person
collects bugs for enjoyment?

I oughta charge
the little creep

a handling fee
to get it back.

Anyway,
what ya lookin'’ for?

I'’m not really sure.

After seeing this on the news,
it struck me kinda funny.

I thought there might
be some connection

with this case
I'’m workin'’ on.

What kinda case?

Well, of course,
it'’s confidential,

but I-- I guess I can
let you in on a bit of it.

I'’m looking
for a cat killer.

Oh, well,
take a look.

Cops have already been over
this thing a million times.

I don'’t know what you'’ll find,
but have at it.

I'’ll be next door
if you need anything.

Thanks, Marv.

♪

[scream]

Ah, geeze!

[breathing heavily]

♪

Geeze.

♪

Give me that bottle!

♪

[music intensifies]

♪

[bones cracking]

♪

So, how'’s it goin'’, Dick?

I think I may
have something here.

Yeah, what you got?

I don'’t know, looks like
a piece of cloth or somethin'’.

Mind if I take this?

Well, I'’ll have to
include it in my report,

but I won'’t have that ready
for another week or so,

sure go ahead.

Thanks, Marv,
I owe you one, pal.

Yoo-hoo, anybody home?

Hi, Betty.

Say, Marv, are you finished
with that crown yet?

We'’re scheduled to have
a re-crowning tomorrow,

and, well, what'’s a re-crowning
without a crown.

[annoying laughter]

So what about it, Marv?

Oh my, what happened here?

Huh, oh my.

Wait'’ll I tell the girls
at Bridge club about this.

Oh, for heaven'’s sake--

Thank you for stopping by,
Betty,

but like I told you
on the phone,

I'’ll call you
when it'’s ready.

Marv, we are way over
budget on this pageant.

Now, I can'’t go buying crowns
every time one of them kicks,

those things
are expensive!

I know, I know, I'’ll get it
back to you as soon as I can.

And, Marv, be careful
with the rhinestones,

they are terrible to glue on
once they'’ve fallen off.

Goodbye, Betty.

[slams door]

I'’ll just let myself
out the back.

I don'’t wanna
take a chance

on running into that
old windbag in the hall.

I heard that!

See ya, Marv.

Talk to you later, Dick.

[slams door]

God, we don'’t have
any friends left.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Paul!

Fine, what are you doing?

Sure, I'’d love to go.

Yeah, that'’d be great.

Okay, see you then.

Bye.

Ah!

[laughing]

How cool.

Paul just asked me out.

We'’re going out after
the re-crowning tomorrow,

isn'’t that great!

Well, I don'’t think
that'’s so great.

I mean, don'’t you think
it'’s kinda weird

that he'’s dated
Muffy and Elizabeth,

and now they'’re both dead?

Oh, God.

You are such an extremist,
Shelley.

You make it sound like Paul
killed them or something.

Well, don'’t you think
it'’s kinda strange?

I mean, he started
dating Elizabeth

the day after
Muffy was killed,

and now that Elizabeth is dead,
he'’s calling you up?

Well, he'’s probably
just lonely.

After all,
he is a man,

and men have
certain drives.

Not that you would
know anything about that.

That'’s not funny, Alison.

If you get killed,

don'’t think I'’m gonna go out
with him and his drives.

Don'’t be a moron,

Paul is one of the sweetest,
kindest guys I know,

and besides,
he'’s totally cute.

You'’re just overreacting
as usual.

Nothing'’s gonna happen.

If you ask me, they should
arrest those science geeks

who just happen
to be on the scene

every time somebody
gets killed.

They'’re the ones
who are doing it!

I don'’t let those creeps within
100 yards of me at school.

I think you'’re
wrong about that.

It'’s someone that no one'’s gonna
suspect, someone like Paul.

Stop it, Shelley!

You'’re just jealous
because he didn'’t ask you out.

I don'’t wanna talk
about this anymore,

it'’s getting too weird.

Besides, I have
the re-crowning tomorrow.

I have to get
my beauty sleep,

or I'’ll end up looking worse
than that Phyllis Lard-ass.

I'’m going to bed.

All right.

Goodnight.

[clapping]

Goodnight, Alison.

But just don'’t forget
I told you so.

[scoffs]

Where is he?

Where is he!

We shoulda started
10 minutes ago.

God, this is
so irritating.

Where have you been!?

We'’re tryin'’ to have
a re-crowning here.

It'’s pretty tough to do it
without a crown!

I couldn'’t get it
out of her hands.

Give me that!

Well, now that that little piece
of business is taken care of,

we can get on
with this.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I proudly present to you
the next Miss Slough Queen,

Miss Alison Murphy!

Smile, honey, smile!

[cheering]

Thank you.

Tragedy has struck
within our midst.

But in the face of every tragedy
we must seek out the good.

To me, the good
is that I will become

the next Miss Slough Queen.

I accept this crown
with great pride,

especially in knowing the ones
who have worn it before me.

I fondly embrace
the challenge

and the opportunity that
comes with being your queen.

Oh, and by the way,
my first appearance

as the Silvis County
Slough Queen...

will be at...

-Silvis County Cat.
-Silvis County Cat Show

this Sunday.

Thank you so much.

[applause]

Kitty killer
killer-killer-killer.

[snapping]

Phyllis?

Phyllis!

Is anybody in there?

Yoo-hoo!

I'’ve got a Twinkie!

I thought that'’d
bring you back.

I just wanted to say that you
are now second runner up.

Same rules apply,
understand?

Yeah, I understand.

Good.

-Excuse me, Mrs.P.
-Yes, dear.

I'’ll be needing the keys to
the official pageant vehicle.

Yes, well, Paul has already
asked me for them.

He'’s bringing
the car around for you.

Thanks, Mrs. P.

See ya on Sunday.

[screaming]

Oh, I love it.

-Let'’s go.
-Okay.

[door slams]

[ignition sounds]

[revving of engine]

Well, I don'’t know about you,
but I give her a week tops.

♪

Phyllis!

Hey, Phyllis, hi!

Uh, how you doin'’?

I--I haven'’t talked to you
for a long time.

Phyllis?

What'’s wrong?

Phyllis!

Phyllis!

Phyllis, Phyllis,
listen to me,

you gotta
get over this cat thing,

you'’re startin'’ to get
real strange.

Cat.

Phyllis?

Come back!

Phyllis, Phyllis!

♪

[crying]

[crickets chirping]

[moaning]

What--what'’s wrong?

I think
I'’m gonna be sick.

Gross, don'’t do it here,
go over to those trees!

Ugh, yuck!

[choking]

[spitting]

♪

Well, well, well.

If it isn'’t sleeping beauty.

♪

What?

Hey, Fatty Phyllis.

How'’s your cat?

[laughing]

Hey, that'’s my banner
you'’ve got on!

Take it off before it rips,
Lard-ass!

Let me put it on
for you.

Yeah, put it on me.

♪

[gasping]

[coughing]

♪

That'’s why I never drink,
people can take advantage of ya.

[creepy laughing]

[blender mixing]

[phone ringing]

Betty here.

Mhm.

Yes.

What!

Oh my God, not again!

Well, listen,
thanks for calling.

I'’ll make all
the necessary arrangements.

Yeah, yeah, goodbye.

My God.

Herb!

Call the school
and reserve the gym again.

I can'’t believe this.

This is getting
out of hand.

I'’m going down
to that police station,

and stir up some action!

Herb, make me a martini,
my nerves are shot!

Oh, and bring a towel,
there'’s mai tai all over.

God!

At the top
of tonight'’s news,

tragedy has struck
for a third time in Silvis

for the ill-fated Silvis
Slough Queen contestants.

The latest victim of the Beauty
Queen Butcher is Alison Murphy.

Alison was found
early this morning

by a group of citizens
collecting aluminum cans

for the Citizens for
a Cleaner Silvis project.

Also found on the scene

was Ms. Murphy'’s boyfriend,
Paul Whitewater.

Whitewater was taken

to the Silvis County Sheriff'’s
office for questioning,

then later released
on his own recognizance.

Our woman on top--on the go,
Tammi Conklin

was the the Sheriff'’s
office earlier today

where she gave us
this report.

As you see, the Sheriff'’s office
is rather quiet at this time.

I have with me now
Mable Jones,

who was at the scene
this morning.

Mable, can you
tell us what happened?

Yes, Tammi, we started
out about 6 A.M. as usual

to collect cans to raise money
for the new fountain here

in front of
the court house.

There were the ten of us,
Merv, Carol, Fred,

Ethel, Lorna, you know,
the whole gang.

We decided to go down
by the waterfront

because we can usually
make quite a haul

on a Saturday morning

after those kids have
been out drinkin'’ all night.

Now that bothers me,
Tammi.

In my day we knew
how to have fun

without all the drugs,
alcohol, and sex.

Well, anyway, we come up
on this sandbar,

and that'’s when I see this girl
laying on this blanket

practically naked
with her hair all a mess,

and this big ribbon
around her neck.

I knew something was wrong

when I pulled that beer can out
of her hand, she never moved.

Now that'’s when Fred found
the young man lying in the car

practically naked,
and he called the police.

The stench of alcohol
was everywhere.

These young people today
have got to be disciplined!

These terrible things happen
when these young kids

are allowed to roam
around unsupervised.

The next thing you know
we'’ll have gang riots

right here in Silvis.

Herb, bring the car around!

Thank you, Mable,
for that eyewitness account.

Oh, my neck.

Services for Alison Murphy
will be held tomorrow

at Jinx Funeral Home.

And in other news,
Flossy and Bossy,

the famous Silvis Siamese cow
was seen out about town.

It went to several cafes
and gunned down a civilian.

Better go get me
some more moo juice.

And do a little
investigating.

♪

It'’s $27.58.

[coins clanging]

♪

Here you go.

Thanks.

♪

May I, uh,
help you, sir?

Sir?

Let'’s see.

Call hair dresser, dentist
appoin--oh, better call Shelley.

[humming]

-Hello.
-Hello, Shelley?

Hi, Betty Prunish here.

Guess what, hun?

You are now
Miss Slough Queen!

Isn'’t that just the most
thrilling thing!

[dial tone]

Hello, Shelley?

Huh, we must have
been disconnected.

I'’ll try it again.

[humming]

Hm, no answer.

I'’d better get down there
and see what'’s going on.

Herb, bring the car around!

Shelley!

Shelley, Shelley,
what happened?

We were talking on the phone
and we were disconnected.

We'’re moving
Mrs. Prunish.

Well, surely there'’s
been a mistake.

You'’re to be the next
Slough queen.

No I'’m not.

I'’m not gonna
get murdered.

I'’m sorry, you'’re gonna have
to call the next runner up.

The next runner up
is Phyllis Loden,

I can'’t crown her queen,
it is against my principles.

Well, you'’ll be lucky
if you can get her

after all the things
you'’ve done to her.

I don'’t wanna have
anything to do with you

or your stupid pageant.

Oh!

Shelley!

Goodbye, Mrs. Prunish!

I hope you find someone!

Shelley, Shelley,
please wait!

Listen, this has all
been a misunderstanding,

I'’ve got the sheriff
working on this!

I can get the bigger
prize money.

I can get you
a new car.

A new convertible!

Oh, you can'’t go!

I can fix it so you can win
the next ten matches.

You-can'’t-leave-me!

Go!

Stop, I demand you stop!

For the love of Christ,
Shelley,

you can'’t make me crown
Phyllis Loden!

[sobbing]

♪

You cannot leave me!

[sobbing dramatically]

♪

Oh, God!

God help me!

[whining]

What am I gonna do?

Herb!

Bring the car around!

-Phyllis, Phyllis!
-Phyllis, Phyllis!

Ms. Loden, how does it feel

knowing you may be
the next victim

of the Beauty Queen Butcher?

Phyllis, has Paul Whitewater
contacted you

now that you are to be
crowned Ms. Slough Queen?

How does it feel to be the last
contestant in this pageant?

Phyllis, what is
your favorite food?

Hey--hey Phyllis,
hey, good luck!

I'’ll be rootin'’ for ya!

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I would like to thank you

for such a big turn out
for today'’s re-crowning.

This year'’s pageant has
been unlike any other.

Never have there been so many
queens in so short a time.

Um, due to these
unfortunate circumstances,

our next Slough Queen
will be presented

with a lovely
bulletproof vest

and a case of EZ Spray
pocket mace

courtesy of Stone'’s
Weapon Supply.

Also, due to security concerns,
the new Slough Queen

will be making no personal
appearances during her term.

Thank God.

I would just like to announce
for the record,

ladies and gentlemen,

that the next Slough Queen
was supposed to have been

Miss Shelley Styles, who was
unable to fulfill her obligation

when her father
was rather abruptly

transferred
to another state,

thus rendering her ineligible--

Quit stalling, Prunish,
and get on with it!

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Well!

I guess our audience
is turning ugly.

I will be forced to announce
our next Slough Queen,

Miss...

[stammering]

♪

Phyllis Loden!

[sobbing]

♪

Wait!

Stop that woman!

Now what?

Get her.

What'’s going on here?

You know somethin'’
you'’re not tellin'’.

Did you kill my queens,
huh, did ya?

You'’ll wear this crown
over my dead body, girl!

Out of the way, Prunish.

You'’ve got your nerve, buster!

Turn around, Phyllis.

♪

[audience gasping]

♪

That'’s all we needed.

Phyllis Loden, you are
charged with the murders

of Muffy Fairlane,

Elizabeth McKay,

and Alison Murphy.

Take her away, officer.

♪

Phyllis, Phyllis,
tell me, the underwear.

Phyllis!

Excuse me, but I'’ve gotta go
find myself a beauty queen.

PDQ.

At the top of tonight'’s news,

after a lengthy trial,

Phyllis Loden the infamous
Beauty Queen Butcher

was found guilty on
three counts of murder

as well as having
an unpaid credit balance

at Rapid Ready Pizza.

The shocking murders
have rocked the community,

and citizens are torn between
sympathy for the large girl,

and outrage
at the senseless loss

of three young,
nubile beauties.

Our woman on the go,
Tammi Conklin

talked to local citizens about
Phyllis Loden'’s sentencing.

Phyllis Loden?

Well, she was always
a good tipper,

unlike some
other people I know!

And she always got
the same thing,

an extra large triple with
everything except anchovies.

I can'’t believe she'’d
do something like this.

I think she was framed.

Jerry, I know
I have orders up!

I don'’t know nothin'’
about no murders.

I do know that Phyllis Loden
was an artist with Jell-O.

Why, we never had no
interesting Jell-O,

or ambrosia before
she came along.

Well, I'’m glad
they locked her up.

That woman
has single-handedly

destroyed all
of my years of hard work

to make the Silvis
Slough Queen Pageant

the most sought-after
contest in three counties.

Now no one
wants to enter.

It is a shattering blow.

However, we are taking
steps to make sure

that this kind of thing
never happens again.

In the future, psychological
testing and urinalysis

will be prerequisites
for any contestant.

Phyllis Loden was taken

to Beachwood Correctional
Institute for Women

to begin her life
imprisonment sentence.

Our woman on the go,
Tammi Conklin

attempted to get an interview
with the large woman,

but was unsuccessful.

♪

All right, Loden.

It'’s lunchtime.

There'’s the cafeteria.

Don'’t be causing any trouble,
or you'’ll be doin'’ solitary.

Yes, ma'’am.

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

Aye, who'’s the newbie?

I don'’t know, they brought
her in this mornin'’.

Velma, Ace,
go bring her over here.

Big Mama wants
a chat with her.

It looks like we got a new guest
in our little hotel, girls.

[laughing]

So tell me, Chunk,

whatcha in for?

Big Momma asked you a question,
girl, now answer her!

I killed the Slough Queens.

What'’s that?

I didn'’t quite catch ya.

I killed the Slough Queens.

[shocked gasps]

So you'’re the one!

The Beauty Queen Butcher.

I'’ve been waitin'’ for you.

Muffy Fairlane
was my daughter!

Get her, girls!

♪

[grunting]

♪

Break it up.

♪

She'’s dead.

Everybody, back to their cells,
now!

♪

[sinister laughing]

♪

♪ So you'’re tough
and you say you'’re willin'’ ♪

♪ Need a girl who'’s
downright chillin'’ ♪

♪ Takes the crown
and she makes a killin'’ ♪

♪ Hangs the others
out to dry ♪

♪ All of those who teased
and slurred her ♪

♪ They will know
who sees and hurt her ♪

♪ They'’ll be tongued
with a taste for murder ♪

♪ Watch the heifer
till she dies ♪

♪ She'’s a beauty queen ♪

♪ A beauty queen butcher

♪ Dressed to kill
she'’s the magic catch ♪

♪ Blood red nails,
and lips to match ♪

♪ She'’s the beauty queen ♪

♪ The Beauty Queen Butcher

♪ Who could resist the pitch

♪ Of a blood red
beauty queen butcher ♪

♪ Bitch

♪

♪ Beauty queen

♪ A beauty queen butcher

♪ Dressed to kill,
she'’s the magic catch ♪

♪ Blood red nails
and lips to match ♪

♪ She'’s a beauty queen ♪

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ A beauty queen butcher

♪ Who could resist her pitch

♪ Of a blood red
beauty queen butcher ♪

♪ Beauty queen ♪