Beautiful Girls (1996) - full transcript

Nice playing, Willie.

Thanks.

♪ I woke up near
Rittenhouse Square ♪

♪ There was noise in the hall
Snow was flowin' in the air ♪

♪ And I could see just then
the flashin' spark ♪

♪ Of the match of my first smoke ♪

♪ Some houses are built to last ♪

♪ It's the people inside
that change too fast ♪

♪ I can see their faces
looking through the glass ♪

♪ They're not where they belong ♪

- How are you gettin' up there?
- Going by bus.



- How long is that?
- It's, uh, five, six hours.

Yeah. How 'bout some extra?

No, I'm good. I'll see you.

♪ Babe, I'm here with you ♪

♪ You're a beautiful girl ♪

♪ I see your feet
at the edge of the bed ♪

♪ While a low love song's
creeping into your head ♪

♪ As your eyes just closed
I could only guess ♪

♪ If you were dreaming of me again ♪

♪ Stained glass cast
a flickering light ♪

- One to Knight's Ridge.
- Knight's Ridge. One way or round-trip?

- Uh, one way. How much is that?
- Forty-eight dollars.

♪ I want to stay with you, babe ♪

♪ Won't you let me stay ♪



♪ You're a beautiful girl ♪

Here you go.

Okay, you're at gate 62.
It's that way and to the right.

- Thank you.
- Have a good trip.

♪ And I hope that you can take me ♪

♪ When I'm going out of my head ♪

♪ And I hope that you will keep me ♪

♪ Keep me warm in your bed ♪♪

That's it.

Oh, shit.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

No "buka." What's the matter, Darian?
No Sambuca this time?

It's 5:00 in the morning, Kev.

Does that make it too late
or too early?

- You guys done for the night?
- Yeah.

Big storm.

I didn't have any Styrofoam.

That's okay.
I'll bring 'em back to you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye, Kev.
- Yeah.

- I'll see ya.
- Bye.

What?

- The thing with the Styrofoam
really creases me.
- What are you talking about?

It's like the first storm
of the season. You'd think she'd
get a sleeve of Styrofoam cups...

for like a buck ninety-nine.

- How about I return the mugs this time?
- Shut your fucking hole.

The chick's married, Tommy.

No shit?

She's not home.

- Where is she?
- Banging that guy.

- Buddy, she's sleeping.
- I'll bet you $20, Bird,
she's banging that guy.

- Bad bet.
- Bad bet? Why?

Either way, you lose.
If you win, she's banging the guy.

If you lose... If you lose, you lose
20 bucks. It's not a smart bet.

- I can't believe her.
- You really think she's
banging this guy?

- Bird, I know. She's banging this guy.
- The meat cutter?

Yes!
The fucking meat cutter!

What kind of future can she have?
This guy, he cuts meat!

- You plow snow.
- At least meat you can eat.

Why is he here?

He's an employee.

All right. I'm outta here.
I'll see you at home.

- Don't go by Jan's.
- I'm not.

- Hey.
- You sand my lots.

- Yeah. Don't go by there.
- I'm not. Just get my lots.

- He's going by there.
- Without a doubt.

- Do I got anything in my "'stache"?
- You're clean.

♪ We had broken up for good
just an hour before ♪

♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh
Uh-uh-uh-uh ♪

♪ Now I'm starin' at the bodies
as they dance across the floor ♪

♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh
Uh-uh-uh-uh ♪

♪♪

♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh
Uh-uh-uh-uh ♪

♪ It was the same old song
with a melancholy sound ♪

♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh
Uh-uh-uh-uh ♪

♪ They don't write 'em
like that anymore ♪

♪ They just don't write 'em
like that anymore ♪♪

Willie!

- Hey... Mo! How you doin', man?
- How you doin', buddy?

All right!

Good to see you, man.
Good to be back?

I've been back
exactly four minutes.

You remember Cheryl
and, uh, Michael Junior?

Wow, Mo, they're...

Cute.

Yeah. Are you still
seeing that chick?

- Depends on what you mean by "seeing."
- You're not engaged?

- No, no, no.
- Well, it's been what, a year?

Ah, 11 months. Going together
for 11 months. Living together for 6.

She doesn't put
any pressure on you?

Depends on what you mean
by "pressure."

Hey, kids. Hey.

Hey, you psyched
for the reunion or what?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's just, it's great to be back.

The whole gang back
together again. It'll be terrific.

- Everybody's coming?
- Oh, yeah. Tom, Paul, Kev, everybody.

- I can't wait to show you the house.
- Yeah!

You come over for brunch.
Sarah'll make up some killer waffles.

- Great. Thanks for the ride.
- No problem, buddy.

- Are you okay with this?
- Yeah, I'm okay. I'm fine.

I'm glad you're home, man.

- All right, see you.
- All right. See you soon.

- See you, kids.
- Bye.

Hey, kids, who wants ice cream?

Me!

Defied gravity.

And Nicklaus moves
to within one of the lead.

Hello, Dad.

When did you get in?

Just now. Mo picked me up.

Got a lot of bags.

- Staying long?
- I don't know.

There's, um, golf on TV.

Would you like to watch some golf?

Sure. Sure.

Why don't you
put your bags upstairs...

and come down
and watch some golf?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hmm.

- Hey!
- Oh, man, wha...

You just getting up?

Ah, yeah, man.

Wild night. I got wrecked.

Yeah?

You going to be home long?

Ah, I don't know. I don't know.
We'll see. We'll see.

See Dad?

Yeah, yeah.
We're gonna watch some golf.

Ah, you missed a hell of a storm.

Yeah.

Hey, uh...
when did the Ryans move out?

The Ryans?
I don't know. Last year?

Huh? Who moved in?

I don't know.

- They got a kid?
- Do they? I don't know.

Yeah, I think so.
They got a kid.

Yeah, I'm gonna take a dump.

♪ I don't know why
sometimes I get frightened ♪

- Hey, Willie "C"! What's up, bad boy?
- Paulie!

- Do you remember Elle MacPherson?
- Hey, Elle.

- How you doin'?
- Jan's banging some meat cutter.

Things started to get crazy
about a month ago.

- Yeah, I heard you got the ultimatum.
- Yeah, like fuck that, man.

What right does she have
to give me the ultimatum?

- You've been going out seven years.
- So what?

What difference does that make,
seven years? Big deal.

- Let me ask you, how old is Jan?
- Listen, Willie, don't
start with me about that.

- No, how old is she?
- She's 27. Twenty-seven years old.

- Twenty-seven years old.
So maybe she wants to have kids.
- So what?

So what? I want to have kids, too,
but what's the rush, huh?

Kathie Lee Gifford just had a kid
and she's 45 fucking years old.

- So, who's this guy?
- Victor. Victor the meat cutter.

And you want to puke?
Are you ready to puke?

This guy's 40, divorced,
and has three kids of his own.

Three kids, all right. So there's no way
she's getting any sperm from this guy.

Exactly, Willie.
I knew you would understand.
But you know what really creases me?

- Jan's a vegetarian.
- Right.

You see the hypocrisy?
Jan's a vegetarian. He's a meat cutter.

Oh, wow.

What kind of life can she have
with a man who stinks of brisket?

Show time is 12:30 Eastern time
here on Sports Central.

- Six speakers... Hey, look who's here!
- Hey, what's up?

- Hey!
- It's Sharon. She's sleeping.

Listen. I'll come to see you
in a couple of minutes.

- All right. All right. Okay.
- Hey.

- Yeah?
- It's good to see you.

- Good to see you. All right.
- All right.

- Jesus.
- You still seeing that chick
in New York? The lawyer?

- Tracy. Yeah.
- Tracy. What's going on?

- She's great.
- And?

- What?
- What's the deal?

I don't know, you know.
We're going through this stage...

They're all sisters, Will.
Trust me, they're all sisters.

It's one big conspiracy.
Leave it alone.

- Aah.
- You been playing piano?

Yeah, I'm playing.
Playing. Nothing steady.

- Good money, ah?
- So, how they doin'?

- You kidding me? All he ever
thinks about is Darian Smalls.
- Come on. Still?

Still! Nothing changes
around here, Will.

Every time Sharon looks at Birdy's face
and sees him thinking about Darian,

it's translated into another ugly pound
when she looks at herself in the mirror.

Have you seen her?
She looks like one of those kids...

Sally Struthers feeds paste to.
It's no good.

- We need models.
- Models? What do you mean?

Models. We need models.
They're beautiful, they're rich.

They travel a lot so you don't have
to spend that much time with them.

Those fuckers that date models,
they got it made.

My next girlfriend's gonna be
a six-foot tall model. Definitely.

A big one.

- Models.
- I like those chicks.

Don't shovel much, do you?

Wha...
What makes you say that?

Just a feeling.
Your technique, it's sloppy.

You either live in the city
or in a warm climate.

City.

You grow up here?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Don't visit much?
- Nope.

- Mom dead?
- You a cop?

No.

Yeah, my mother's dead.

I knew it.
Your dad's kind of a sad guy.

Your brother's kind of missing that
thing... that having a mom gives you.

It's a lonely house you got,
if you don't mind me saying.

What's your name?

- Marty.
- As in Martha?

As in Marty. Named for a grandfather
I never even knew. Martin.

So, now I'm Marty.
Just Marty. A girl named Marty.

It is, I think,
the bane of my existence.

Hmm. Hmph.
How old are you?

Thirteen.
But I'm an old soul.

So, why'd you come back?

Ah, well...

- Ah, my high school reunion.
- Heavy.

Yeah.

So, what's your name?

Ah, Willie.

Willie, I like your burns.

Thanks.

You're kinda cool.

Di... How do you mean?

I don't know.
It's just a call.

You don't think you are?

L...

I, um... No, I, I think l...
I think I am.

You are... I think.

- Yeah?
- Maybe not.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah, I'll see you around...

Marty.

- Are you Victor?
- No.

Excuse me.
Is your name Victor?

- I'm lookin for a guy named Victor.
- You see who's here?

- I'm sorry, I'm not Victor.
- Shit.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm looking for Victor,
the meat cutter...

because I hit a cow with my plow,
and I was hoping he could
slice me some steaks.

'Cause it seems like it would be a waste
to let an entire cow just rot.

You're not funny.

I'm serious, Jan. I had you down for
a flake, and I know your mom's dying.

And I don't appreciate you burying
my driveway every time it snows...

like some drooling,
obsessed lunatic.

- Okay, that's fair. Got it.
- What do you want?

- I want to give you this.
- What is that?

It's a rump roast, Jan.
Come on.

- Paul...
- Come on, can you at least... open it?

I really don't think I should.

Do you believe this?
Do you believe this?

See what a man has to
go through... for love?

It's beautiful.
Paul, it's lovely.

It's brown.

Champagne. That's champagne.
It's the newest thing. It's not brown.

- Champagne.
- Yes.

- It's beautiful.
- Thank you.

So, what are you doing?

- I can't take it.
- Why not?

- I can't!
- Marry me, Jan.

No!

No? Just like that.
No?

No!

- Jesus Christ, Jan!
- You're so selfish.

Selfish? I'm selfish?
Let me explain something to you.

What's in this box constitutes 30
driveways, maybe two and a half
sprinkler systems.

Selfish? I think not.

We're taking some time.
You do this, it screws everything up.

- Paul, what are you doing?
- Chip, cut me some slack here,
all right, please.

- You're making a spectacle.
Take it outside.
- It's her fault.

Jan, outside!

- Look, I want you to take this ring.
- I got customers, Paul.

- Jan.
- Paul.

- Jan.
- Paul.

- Take the fucking ring!
- Oh, that's romantic!

You already sucked the romance
out of this entire thing.

Look, this is the desperate act
of a desperate man.

Only when faced with losing me
do you decide you want to spend
the rest of your life with me.

So? What's wrong with that?
I didn't like the alternative.

That's how usually one comes
to a decision anyway, right?

Wrong again, Paul. One comes
to a decision based on what one wants.

Not based on what one
doesn't want. Got it?

Oh, God.

I got customers.

So, how's everything at home?

It's all right.
It's a little weird, I mean.

Dad's parked in front
of the TV all the time.

And my mom's clothes
are still hanging in the closet.

So, what did you do
Christmas?

Well, you know the Tiki Lounge
gets awfully busy at Christmas.

Come on. What did you do?

Went over to Pennsylvania
with Tracy to meet her parents.

- Was it good?
- Yeah, it was all right.

Right.

How's Sharon?

Sharon? Mmm.

She's okay, you know. Well, she's
actually not doing that good. You know.

What about the other thing?
The other, you know... situation?

- Oh, Darian? It's over.
- It's over?

I mean, it's, uh...
it's practically over. It's...

Wait a minute. It's over?
It's practically over?

I mean, it's... Like I said, it's
practically over. I mean, it's over.

Listen, how come... How come you
never came down that weekend?

I had the whole thing...
I mean...

You know, l... I got busy and,
you know, I had to stick around.

But what are you doing this spring?
Let's... I'll come see you this spring.

Now I know what I'm doing
this spring.

Oh. Hey, listen, Stinky Womack
reopened the Johnson Inn.

You want to go by, maybe,
and, I don't know,

- and grab a beer or something?
- Yeah, great. Let's do it.

♪ I've got a song
that ain't got no melody ♪

♪ I'm a-gonna sing it
to my friends ♪

♪ I've got a song
that ain't got no melody ♪

♪ I'm a-gonna sing it
to my friends ♪

- What's up, Tommy? Who's that?
- Stinky!

- Hey! Stinky!
- Hey, Willie!

Hey, hey, hey. Watch the Stinky stuff,
man. I'm, like, a proprietor now.

- Oh, sorry, Stinky. Nice job here.
- Yeah, yeah! Huh?

We got a bar, a little fireplace.
Menu, you know. "Apps."

- Apps?
- Yeah. Appetizers. We got apps!

He's a proprietor.
He's got all the lingo down.

- Willie "C"!
- Hey!

- What's up?
- What's up?

You all right?

Scoot over.

- What's got him creased?
- This.

- What is it? Let me see.
- It's a diamond.

The fucking thing's brown.

- Champagne. It's the newest thing.
- What are you talking about?

- It's a trend.
- Frank, two beers.

He's so uncultured.
It's a trend in diamonds.

Champagne.
It's a nice stone, Paul.

I heard about this.

It's big in the diamond trade.
They're trying to create a new market.

Oh, right, right, yeah.

They were calling them piss,
but they weren't moving any units.

- What's with you, man?
- What?

- How much you pay for this brown rock?
- What difference does it make?

What difference does it make?
Diamonds are supposed to be colorless.

You go out and you buy a colored diamond
for a girl you're not even seeing, man.

You been eating
retard sandwiches again.

- I don't need your shit.
- I think you do.

- I think I don't.
- I think you do.

Hey, fuck you, Mr. High Horse.

- You're like a human Geraldo
episode, for chrissakes.
- What the fuck does that mean?

- Guys, guys, come on.
- No, fuck that. No, fuck that.

You got one broad
destroying her marriage,
the other one destroying her stomach.

- You just sit around and watch hockey.
- Hey, don't push it, man.

Oh, what are you gonna do? Beat me up
after class? Take my lunch money?

This ain't high school anymore,
Birdy. The legend's dead.

- The legend can still
fuck you up, all right?
- Bullshit!

- Hey, Paul, come on.
- Hey, butt out, Conway. Right?

Don't come waltzing back
with your big-city bullshit.
No one wants to hear that crap.

- What a fucking loser.
- Faggot.

- Prick.
- Asshole.

Hey, free apps! I got free apps!

What?

- Hey!
- Willie Boy!

What are you doin'?

Hanging out.

I like to mash snow. It gives me
a tremendous sense of self-satisfaction.

- Ah.
- You got a girlfriend?

Why do you ask?

I don't know.

You're a dude in flux.

If I'm not mistaken, you've come back
to the house of loneliness and tears...

to Daddy-downer
and brother-bummer...

to come to some sort
of decision about life.

A life decision, if you will.

You fancy yourself a perceptive
little thing, don't you?

I don't know about "little thing."

I happen to be the tallest girl
in my class. I may grow to be 5'10".

I'll be hot.

Well.

Am I right?
Life decision?

Got the full-on Hamlet thing going?
You know Hamlet?

- Danish Prince, couldn't make decisions.
- Yeah, yeah, I know Hamlet.

So, about that girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah, there is one.

She wanna get married?

I think so.

- You don't?
- I'm not sure.

Is she fat?

No, she's not fat!
She's quite nice actually.

- So, why don't you marry her?
- Oh, marry her!

You know, I knew
I came back here for a reason.

- Thank you.
- That's right, tease a little kid.

See you around.

See ya.

Sharon?

Sharon, what?

It would be nice
if just for once...

when we're making love,
you'd actually be thinking of me.

- Huh?
- She's not gonna leave him, Tommy.

I don't know what you're
talking about, Sharon.

I haven't seen her in months.
I don't know...

I am not stupid.

So, you want to end this?

Oh, that would be convenient.
Save you the guilt. I end it!

Let me ask you something.

What do I do? I mean, how am I
supposed to get through to you...

when the best years of
your life were high school?

When you were the king of the hill, the
Birdman, and Darian was your girlfriend?

I mean, you want all that back.
I can't give that to you.

How do I compete with
a way of life that's totally
and completely impossible...

for you to ever have again?

You're gonna have to
break up with him, and you're gonna
have to break up with him now.

Now, getting over him, that's
going to be the hard part.

I know. Believe me, I know.

She's right.

At first after the breakup
you'll have these visions...

of you alone, 57, 58, walking around
wearing a nightgown, your hair in a bun.

Maybe you're a librarian,
heating up a can of soup for one...

and worrying about the cobwebs
that are growing in your womb.

Gina!

But the visions fade,
and that's my point.

You will get over him.
It will take about two years.

You'll be 29 then.

It'd be so much better if you
were 24 now so then you'd be 26.

- But we don't choose these things.
- They choose us.

Exactly. So... 29.

- That's not exactly ancient.
- Mm-hmm. Not exactly 30.

- Which is good.
- Which is very good.

Look, I mean,
I know what you're saying...

and I know how bad it looks,
but I mean...

nobody knows what it's like when
it's just the two of us, you know?

I mean, I... I love him.

Okay. No, that's fair.

So, how is it?

Lately it's not so good.

The man can't commit.

The man can't commit.

The man can't commit.

Why is it that every time
a relationship doesn't work out...

we say it's 'cause
they can't commit?

I mean, shouldn't I take
some of the blame here?

- No, that is the grief talking.
- No way is that Sharon Cassidy.

It's a little grief-stricken girl
who looks like Sharon Cassidy.

- You know what? I'm still
not sure they're broken up.
- You don't think?

You're broken up, right, Shar?

I don't know.

I mean,
it's Tommy's birthday next week.

It's on Saturday.
I mean...

maybe if I just threw him a little party
and had all his friends there.

You know. We just had a nice time.
Just relaxed.

Would you guys help me organize it?

Would you please?

♪ I walk along the avenue ♪

♪ I never thought I'd meet
a girl like you ♪

- ♪♪
- ♪ Meet a girl like you ♪♪

One more. One more!

Michael and my father,

of course they both fall off
the boat right into the lake.

- It was classic, man.
- He got the picture, though.

That's good.

So, you've been, um,
working much?

A few nights, you know.
Yeah.

But, oh, I'm actually... I'm toying
with the idea of becoming a citizen.

Oh. What do you mean?

I got offered this sales job,
office equipment.

And it's got a pretty good
base salary plus commission.

And I don't know, you know.
I gotta let them know by the first.

- That sounds great.
- Yeah, you know, it really could be.

Yeah. You...

- Yeah. I'm gonna go get the video.
- Of this?

- See this guy fall in the wa... Yes.
- You're gonna love it.
I'll be right back.

What?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

- That's bogus.
- Why?

Because if you get a sales job, you're
not gonna have time to play the piano.

Mo, listen, it's not happening.
It's just not happening!

And I'm gettin' older, and I've gotta
start thinking about the future.

You would be the worst
salesman of all time. Okay?

I deal with salesmen every day,
buddy boy. All right?

And you... you are no salesman.

- Oh, well, thanks
for the vote of confidence.
- Office equipment?

What the hell do you know
about office equipment?

Well, what do you know about kids?
You're raising two of 'em just fine.

- Dad!
- Uh, Sarah?

See these guys?
Husky Pete, Rizzo and Sammy "B."

They work all day and drink all night
for 40 fucking years.

Two weeks out of the year they take
a vacation. They go to the cape.

And what do they do? They drink
all day and they drink all night.

Does this little observation
of yours...

contain anything at all
resembling a point?

Yes, Tom!

If we don't step it up, if we don't
watch out, we're gonna wind up...

just like Husky Pete
and Rizzo and Sammy "B."

Cool!

Cool?

Holy shit!

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi.

Come here.
Oh, it's good to see you.

- What is that?
- That is unbelievable.

- Stink, who's the vix?
- It's my cousin.
She's visiting from Chicago.

- No way is that your cousin.
- No way does she
share your mongrel blood.

Yes, she does. And she is not only hot,
she is also completely cool.

- Unbelievable.
- Does she have a boyfriend?

What do you think, numb nuts?
Look at her.

A girl like that's
born with a boyfriend.

I'm gonna go say hi to Stanley.

- Stanley.
- Hey, you!

Good to see ya.

- Good to see you!
- Glad you're here. Look...

Listen, I got some friends
I want you to meet.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. C'mere.

Oh, man, this should be fun.

Andera, this is Tommy.

Hi.

- Kev.
- Hi.

- Paul.
- Hi.

- Willie.
- Hello.

- Guys...
- Hey, Stink.

- I'm sorry. And Mo.
- Hi, Mo.

Hi.

Guys... Andera.

Hi.

I'll be here if you need me.

So... what part of Chicago
are you from?

- Do you know Chicago?
- Yeah, l... I know like Soldiers Field.

That's the football field.

Say, so, uh, what do you do?

I'm in advertising.

- Advertising!
- Advertising. That's great.

- That's good.
- What do you guys do?

W-W-What do we do?

Oh, well, uh, Paul and I, we...

- We have, um, a business. Construction.
- We own our own businesses.

Construction.
And Kevin, here, works for me.

I work with him.

- And Mo works in a textile plant.
- I'm plant manager.

Right.
And Willie here's a musician.

- What do you play?
- Uh, the piano.

- Would you play something?
- No, no. It's all right. No.

- Hey, Will, play something.
- No. It's, uh...

Come on.

Come on, Willie.
You never play anymore.

- He's good!
- I need a shot.
Do you guys want to do a shot?

- Shots? Ooh!
- Shots? We love shots.

Uh, uh, Woo-Woo's?

- Melon balls?
- No, chicks like Num-nums.

- Whiskey.
- Whiskey? Yeah, whiskey! Whiskey it is.

- Stan, six short ones.
- Who's Stan?

You got it.

Thank you.

Gotcha.

Irish.

So, um, Willie, you gonna
play something or what?

All right. All right.

All right!

Ahh.

♪♪

Hey, buddy.

Why'd you have to go and tell her he
plays piano? We can't compete with that.

You can always show her how you
spread mulch. That's awful sexy.

- ♪♪
- Stinky's cousin. He's related.

Shh.

♪♪

What's this song?

- You don't know this?
- Uh-uh.

♪♪

♪ Where it began ♪

♪ I can't begin to knowin' ♪

Oh, no.

♪ But then I know
it's growing strong ♪

♪ Was in the spring
Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ And spring became the summer ♪

♪ Who'd have believed
you'd come along ♪

There you go, Willie.

♪ Hands ♪

♪ Touching hands ♪

♪ Reaching out ♪

♪ Touching me ♪

♪ Touching you ♪

♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

♪ Ba-ba-da ♪

♪ Good times
never seemed so good ♪

♪ Bam, bam, bam ♪

♪ I've been inclined
Ba-ba-da ♪

♪ To believe they never would ♪

♪ But now I ♪

♪ Look at the night
Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Now it don't seem so lonely ♪♪

I'm finished speaking to both of you,
okay? You're both fuckin' insane.

You want to know what your problem is?
MTV, Playboy, Madison fucking Avenue.

Yes. Let me explain something
to you, okay?

Girls with big tits have big asses.

Girls with little tits have
little asses. That's the way it goes.

God doesn't fuck around.
He's a fair guy.

He gave the fatties
big, beautiful tits...

and the skinnys
little, tiny nigglers.

It's not my rule.
You don't like it, call Him.

Hey, Mitch.

Thank you.

Oh, guys,
look what we have here.

- Look at this. Your favorite.
Oh! You like that?
- I'd go along with that.

Yeah, that's nice, right?
Well, it doesn't exist, okay?

Look at the hair. The hair is long,
flowing. It's like a river.

Well, it's a fucking weave, okay?
And the tits. Please!

I could hang my overcoat on them.

Tits by design were invented
to be suckled by babies.

Yes, they're purely functional.

These are silicone city.
And look, my favorite.

The shaved pubis. Pubic hair
being so unruly and all. Very key.

This is a mockery.
This is a sham. This is bullshit!

Implants, collagen, plastic,
capped teeth. The fat sucked out.

The hair extended.
The nose fixed. The bush shaved.

These are not real women, all right?
They're beauty freaks.

And they make all us normal women
with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs...

Hi, Bob. Our cellulite,
feel somehow inadequate.

Well, I don't buy it, all right?
But you fucking mooks,

you think if there's a chance in hell
you'll end up with one of these women,

you don't give us real women
anything approaching a commitment.

It's pathetic. I don't know
what you think you're gonna do.

You're gonna end up 80 years old,
drooling in some nursing home.

Then you're gonna decide it's time to
settle down, get married, have kids?

- What are you gonna find,
a cheerleader? Charge it, Mitch.
- I think you're oversimplifying.

Eat me. Look at Paul with his models on
the wall, his dog named Elle MacPherson.

He's insane! He's obsessed.
You're all obsessed.

If you had an ounce of self-esteem,
of self-worth, of self-confidence,

you would realize that as trite as it
may sound, beauty is truly skin deep.

And if you ever did hook one of those
girls, I guarantee you'd be sick of her.

Yeah, I suppose I'd get sick of her
after about what, 20 or 30 years?

Get over yourself.

- Thank you, Mitch.
Say hello to Gertrude.
- What?

No matter how perfect the nipple,
how supple the thigh,

unless there's other shit going on in
the relationship besides the physical,

it's gonna get old, okay?

And you guys as a gender
have to get a grip.

Otherwise the future of
the human race is in jeopardy.

What was that?

I have to wait for you, Pete?
You could slow down.

- I don't know. Great ass.
- Nice tits.

Come on, let's go.

- Hey!
- What's up?

Nothing.

Who's the guy?

Andrew Wilitz.
He's in my class.

Oh. He your boyfriend?

I don't know.
I guess. He's okay.

He seemed a little short.

He's 12 years old, Willie.

Oh, right.

So he's not really...
Right.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm...

- Why?
- You seem a little flavored today.

No, no, I'm cool.

Cool.

Yeah.

So, tell me something.
What do you kids...

I mean, what is it you do, kids
your age, you know, on the weekend?

Well, what we've been doing lately is,
um, smoking massive amounts of drugs,

bingeing on Entemans,
and listening to old Pink Floyd CD's.

- Really?
- You are flavored today.

- Oh, you're kidding, right?
- The Entemans part was true.

Oh.

Well. So, you like
this guy Andrew?

He's okay.

He's into male contraception
which is nice for a change.

Joking!
You really gotta chill, Will.

Right. Right.

I'm gonna go inside.
You sure you're gonna be okay?

- I'll be okay.
- Good.

Hey, Marty!

Yes?

Ah, forgot what I was gonna say.

I'll see ya around.

Bye.

- I lead five bucks.
So if I win this game...
- I think it was more.

- Man, I'm telling you,
this control is broken.
- Shut up.

- My "X" button doesn't work.
- You always say that.

I'm telling you, it's not fair.
Hey, was that Tracy?

Yeah.

- Is she hot?
- She's nice.

Describe in numerical value:
Face, body, personality.

- I'm not gonna do that.
- Come on.

- Do it.
- Don't be a vile guy.

- Grow up, Mo. Do it.
- You don't have to do it.

Ah, I don't know.
Let's see. Ah, face.

No, wait, wait.
We need a frame of reference.

- I thought I was being a vile guy.
- If you're gonna do it,
you gotta do it proper.

- Who?
- Kelly Norman.

Kelly Norman.
All right, let's see.

Kelly Norman. Face: Six.

Body: Eight and a half.
Personality: Four.

- Yes, sir. Um... Jennifer Colton.
- Jennifer Colton?

Oh, ah, face: One.

Body: Two.
Personality: Three.

Right, okay, I got it now.
So, ah, so what's...

Wait!
Carmen... Carmen Swisher.

- Who?
- Carmen Swisher, man. Porn star.

- I don't know her.
- Yeah, you do. She's the one
in Fistful of Vixens.

You remember.
The one who gets all of her orifices
simultaneously penetrated...

by those circus midgets.

Oh, shit, that's her?
That's her name? She's good!

- A very talented girl.
- Very talented girl.

Face: Seven.
Body: Nine and a half.

And personality, well,
sky's the limit.

Those midgets seemed to get
a real kick out of her.

- Exactly.
- So do Tracy now, man.

Tracy, Tracy. Um...

Let's see.

Face: Good solid
seven and a half.

Body: Good solid...
seven and a half.

Personality: She's a...

good solid...
seven and a half.

Sounds excellent, man.

- Hey, when's she coming in?
- Roenick has the puck.

He shoots, he scores!
Yes! Two, nothing.

Um, Tommy, would you mind pulling over?
I have to go to the bathroom.

What? We're going to be
at the restaurant in five minutes.

No, it's gonna take longer.
We could pull over here at the V.F.W.
They've got a bathroom.

You wanna go in the V.F.W.? We're gonna
be at the restaurant in five minutes.

- I'm not feeling very good, okay. L...
- What do you mean you're
not feeling very good?

Did you eat today? It's probably
because you didn't eat today.

- Did you eat anything?
- Honey, I ate.

- What did you eat?
- What did you eat?

What did I eat? It doesn't matter
what I ate. You don't fucking eat.

And then you get stomach pains, and you
wonder why. 'Cause you didn't eat.

I did so.

Sharon, you can't do this to yourself.
It's 8:00 at night.

- Tommy, drop it, please.
- All right, forget it. Drop it.

- Good.
- I don't care, you know.

- Good.
- I'm concerned, that's all.

Surprise!

- Aw, that's nice.
- Look at that.

Happy birthday, buddy.

- Did you know? You didn't know.
- I had no idea, no idea.

Let's get the party started!
Yes, we will.

I'm D-J'ing.
I am D-J'ing.

Paul, no. No Jethro Tull.

♪♪

- Hey, you're looking great.
- Thank you.

♪ From the jumbling madness ♪

♪ Comes the locomotive breath ♪

- He didn't know. Did he know?
- No, he didn't know.

♪ Runs the all-time loser ♪

♪ Headlong to his death ♪♪

Second course.

- Yo, what's up, guy?
- Hey, look.

- Spider, let me explain something
to you. This is my domain.
- Let me explain to you.

Let me explain something to you,
my friend. This is my domain.
I do not hear anything from you.

I think it oughta be "Stinky's."
Big old sign.

No. "Stinky."
Our motto: "Go ugly early."

I like that. That would
look good on the matches.

You know what I was just thinking? We
planned this entire party in the salon.

- It's a beautiful thing.
Congratulations.
- To all of us.

If you're happy, I'm happy.
That's how it works.

Go ugly early.

What a surprise.

So I said to her,
"Do what you're saying."

Hi, Darian.

- What the fuck is she doing here?
- Your boy's fucking out, buddy.

Holy shit!

Oh, Christ!

Food for the hungry.
Drink for the thirsty.

- Shit.
- The odds just increased.

Man, who told her?

It's all right, Sharon. I'm sure
she's just gonna... walk right back out.

Darian. Hey.

- Happy birthday.
- That's really nice. Thanks.

- I got this for you for your birthday.
- Oh! Yeah.

- I mean, this is for you
from me for your birthday.
- Thanks, guys.

Happy birthday to you.

Somebody oughta go over to her,
just go over to her.

You smell good.

Let's get outta here.

- You wanna go?
- We're going. You wanna get outta here?

- We're getting outta here.
- I'm ready to go. She polluted
the air as far as I'm concerned.

- Un-fucking-believable.
- Let's just go.
Don't think twice about it.

- You get home early, pay the sitter.
- Going is good.

- Do you like your present?
- I don't know.

- I put the bow on it.
- It's really nice.

- Should we do something?
- What are we gonna do?

I mean,
what the fuck is that?

- I don't understand it.
- I have no idea why she's here.

But, it's a classic Birdman.

It's not funny, but it is true.

- Steven's in New York for the weekend.
- That's great. Great.

- Kristin's with my folks.
- Uh-huh.

It was your special night,
Tommy.

Why couldn't I share
in your special night?

Because...
Good night, Darian.

I want you to come inside.

I'm not goin' inside.

Come on, Tommy.

I have to give you
your real present.

What you gave me is fine.
Okay? Darian, come on.

Come on.

You can slip
into something more comfortable.

Like what?

Like me.

- Come on, Darian, I gotta go.
- Come on, Tommy, grow up.

I gotta go.
Just go inside, will ya?

Just get out.

We always gotta do this,
don't we?

Just go inside.

Okay. Fuck it.

This stupid truck.

All I'm saying is
you have this amazing thing.

You got this person
with all that potential.

All that future. This girl.

It's gonna be amazing! 'Cause
she's smart, she's funny. She's hot.

- She's 13!
- I know, Mo, get over it.
It's not a sexual thing.

- This is, this is... I could wait.
- What?

I could wait 'cause in ten years
she'll be 23, I'll be 39.

- It won't be a big deal.
- Willie, you're scaring me here.

Hey, this girl
is gonna be amazing!

Great.

Ah, ah.

I was, I was actually jealous
of this little kid on a bike, you know.

This short little kid on a bike...

'cause he gets to be
her age right now,

and I get to be some vile old man,
like, like, like what's-his-name?

- Roman Polanski?
- No, no, no! Like, uh... Nabokov.

Like some Nabokov character.
You know?

Like some vile, old, fat, hairy,

fat, stinky, putrid man, you know?

And, uh...
I don't know, man.

It's like you just want
to say to her in all sincerity,

"Take me with you when you go."

Willie,
the girl was a zygote...

when you were
in the seventh grade, okay.

So? What?
What are you saying?

Like that this is my way
of postponing the inevitable?

It's my way of saying,
"I don't want to grow old"?

No. I think this is your way
of saying you don't want to grow up.

Oh!

I just want
something beautiful, Mo.

We all want something
beautiful, Willie.

Hi, Mrs. Cassidy.
I know it's late. I'm sorry.

- Is Sharon home?
- She's sleeping, Tom.

- Can I see her?
- She's sleeping.

Okay.

I'm sorry. Could you just
tell her that I stopped by?

You should know. Sharon put a lot
of planning into tonight, Tom.

Mom, it's all right.
Go to bed.

Hey, I just...
I want to apologize.

You don't have to. I'm fine.

I really feel like
I should explain.

You know what, Tommy?
It's a little late.

Yeah. Okay.

Good night.

Faster! Faster! Faster!

♪ Listen to an angel sing ♪

♪ Listen to the joy it brings ♪

♪ I don't know how
to paint the clouds ♪

♪ I would just shout out loud ♪

♪ Why do I suffer so ♪

♪ Why do I want to go ♪

♪ And don't show me
that disguise ♪

♪ Until you learn the meaning
of trust ♪

♪ Until you learn the meaning
of life ♪

♪ Until you learn to live
the night and day ♪

- ♪ You're never gonna be all right ♪♪
- Willie "C"! What's up?

- Hey, fellas!
- Willie, what's goin' on?

What, you never went home
last night?

Came right here. The pike is running, so
they tell us. We haven't caught a thing.

- Guess what I did this morning?
- What?

Made a little phone call to
the Stinky's cousin, the lovely Andera.

- Yeah? What happened?
- She did agree to go out with me.
Thank you very much.

Like on a date?

We didn't get into specifics.
Jealous?

Well...

A little bit. Come on, Elle.

- Let's get some air.
- All right.

Jesus, it's cold, man. God!

Is that Mo?

- Huh?
- Fuckin' Mo has got it wired, man.

He's like a retarded person
that doesn't know any better.

He doesn't desire new experiences,
new women, nothing. Look at him.

He's like the mental patient
that doesn't know he's mental.

So he's perfectly content.

- I gotta go take a piss.
- All right. I'll see you later.

Hey!

I'll see you later. Bye.

What the heck
are you doing here?

My friends are ice fishing
in the shack over there.

- Those guys are your friends?
- You know 'em?

They're here every Sunday.
We call 'em...

the drunken, dry-heavin', cheese-eatin',
filth-needin' outhouse boys.

- They your friends?
- Uh, they're acquaintances.

- Really.
- Right.

- So, where's Scooter?
- Who?

What's his name? Billy?
Tiger? Pookey?

- The kid on the bike.
- Andrew?

Andrew, Andrew. That's it.
Where is he?

He dorked out on me.
I'm not into him anymore. He's a turnip.

Uh-huh.
So you got someone new?

Yep. You.

What?

You. You're my new boyfriend,
Willie.

You up to it?
Oh, I feel faint!

My hero.

So, you gonna marry that girl
at N.Y.C.?

I don't know. Why?

- I don't think you should.
- How come?

You should wait 'til you're ready.

You should wait 'til you meet
someone who excites you.

Yeah. Well, you know,
she may not be out there.

It's like the Wizard of Oz, William.
The whole time it was right
in your own backyard.

What do you mean?

You. Me and you.

Really?

Yep. You don't think?

Well, we...
we have a little age problem.

I know. We're as star-crossed
as Romeo and Juliet.

It's a tragedy of
Elizabethan proportions.

"What light through
yonder window breaks?

'Tis the east,
and Juliet is the sun."

And the colored girls go...
♪ Doot, da-doot ♪

♪ Da-doot, doot, da-doot, doot
Da-doot, doot, doot, da-doot, doot ♪♪

Weird.

So, um...
So, what do we do?

Alas, poor Romeo,
we can't do diddly.

You'll go to the penitentiary, I'll
be the laughingstock of the Brownies.

But if your feelings for me
are true, you'll wait.

Wait?

Yep. Wait five years.
I'll be 18.

We can walk through this world
together.

You know, in five years
you won't even remember me.

William!

I'm formed and you're not. And you
still have changes to go through.

You'll change, and then I'll be Winnie
the Pooh to your Christopher Robin.

No literary references left unturned.
How do you figure Pooh?

Christopher Robin outgrew Pooh.

That's how it ended.
He had Pooh when he was a child.

Now, when he matured,

he didn't need him anymore.

That's the saddest thing
I ever heard.

Yeah, but it's true.

You don't realize it now, but...
you'll be doin' some changin'.

And, uh...

I can't be a Pooh.

I think I'll skate away now, Pooh.

All right, Christopher.

♪♪

♪ Hey, how can I explain
all the things I feel ♪

♪ You've given me so much
Girl, you're so unreal still ♪

♪ I keep lovin' you
more and more each hour ♪

- ♪ What am I gonna do
You're always on my mind ♪
- Hey, Earl!

Hey, Kirkwood.

♪♪

S-S-Sit over here.
It's better. It's a better view.

♪ Can't get enough
of your love, baby ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

So, where are your buddies?

♪ Can't get enough
of your love, baby ♪

- Huh?
- Buddies.

Oh, they're gonna be
a little bit late. Hi.

Let me have a bottle
of your best champagne, please.

We don't have a "best" champagne, pal.
They're all pretty much the same.

Thank you.
That'll be fine.

You really look nice.

What is going on?

What do you mean?

- What are you doin'?
- What are you talking about?

- What's with this Al Capone shit?
- What Al Capone shit?

- Who's the girl?
- What girl?

- That girl right over there.
- Um...

Oh, she's, um...
She's, she's my bookkeeper.

- Your bookkeeper?
- Yes, ma'am.

- You are full of shit.
- Yes, she's very efficient.

She's got a great head
for figures, that girl.

Paul, I'm gonna get up,

walk out of here and make
the biggest scene you can imagine.

- She's my cousin.
- Your cousin?

We had a little falling out,
and we don't like to speak in public.

Bye, Paul. I'm leaving.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

She's my ex-girlfriend.
We just broke up after seven years...

because she's seeing
that 40-year-old meat-cutting
excuse for a human being over there.

All right?
It's driving me crazy, okay?

And, um...
I was just, um, showin' off.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Just, please,
don't make a scene?

Oh, we'll make a scene.

You don't need this.

♪ Are you back in my life
to stay ♪

♪ Or is it just for today ♪

♪ Or that you need me ♪

♪ If it's a thrill ♪

♪ You're lookin' for ♪

♪ Well, honey, I'm flexible ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Just be for real ♪

♪ Won't ya, baby ♪

- Who is that?
- That's Paul.

No shit?

♪ Won't you, baby ♪

- Who's the babe?
- I don't know.

Wow, she's gorgeous.

But, not gorgeous like you,

- but gorgeous just the same.
- Can we leave, please?

Sure.

♪ You can understand that, baby
Can't ya ♪

♪ Now you see I'm not naive ♪

- ♪ But I would like to believe ♪
- Fuck off!

♪ Oh, what you tell me ♪♪

- Where're you goin'?
- Home!

- Why?
- That was for you.

I was trying to help you out.
You're such a knucklehead.

- Come back inside.
- Bye, Paul.

- Andera?
- Bye, Paul.

- Come on.
- Bye, Paul!

I'll call you tomorrow,
all right?

- She likes the fresh air, you know?
- Yeah. Yeah, sure.

♪ When I come home, baby ♪

♪ When I've been workin'
all night long ♪

♪ Put my daughter on my knee ♪

♪ And she say
Daddy, what's wrong ♪

♪ She whispers in my ear
so sweet ♪

♪ You know what she say
She say ♪

♪ Ooh, Daddy
You're a fool to cry ♪

♪ You're a fool to cry ♪

♪ And it makes me wonder why ♪

Hey, what're you doing out
so late?

I was out with your friend,
Paul.

Hey, let's get something straight.
He's not my friend.

He lives in my house.
I've got roaches, I've got termites.

And I've got Paul.
You need a lift?

Nah. It's nice to be able
to walk after dark.

Yeah, I suppose it's one of the few
perks of living in this town.

It's a good one.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Go ahead.

- How long have you been going
out with your boyfriend?
- Eight months.

- And it's good?
- It's very good.

- He makes you happy?
- Yeah.

I look for that in a man, you know.

The ones who make me miserable
don't seem to last.

Right.

You know, there's four words
I need to hear before I go to sleep.

Four words.
"Good night, sweet girl."

That's all it takes.

I'm easy, I know.

But a guy who can muster up those
four words is the guy I wanna stay with.

Right. Listen, you sure
you don't need a ride?

- Yeah.
- All right.

- See you around.
- I'll see ya.

- ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
- Good night, sweet girl.

♪ Daddy
You're a fool to cry ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Daddy
You're a fool to cry ♪♪

I spoke to Jan this morning.

It was obvious to both of us
that she no longer cares.

She ran out of that restaurant
like a complete maniac, Willie.
I'm telling you.

But I guess once
she thought about it,

she didn't realize
she didn't give a shit anymore.

Yeah.

I spoke to Tracy. She's comin' up
this weekend for the reunion.

Is that right?
I've gotta meet this girl, Tracy.

You've really
gotta take this shit down.

Why?

No, I mean, you're like
a serial killer.

Don't cap on my supermodels, Johnny.
Don't go there. Leave it alone.

- I'm just sayin' it's creepy.
- Hey, look who's talkin',
Mr. Jerry Lee Lewis.

Ah, no, fuckin' Mo'.

I don't judge you, okay. If she can
cut her own food, she's fair game.

Okay. All right.
All I'm saying is...

you gotta take all this down because,
because it's really, it's creepy, and...

Look, the supermodels
are beautiful girls, Will.

A beautiful girl can make you dizzy,
like you been drinkin' Jack and Coke
all morning.

She can make you feel high.

Full of the single greatest commodity
known to man, promise.

The promise of a better day.

The promise of a greater hope.
The promise of a new tomorrow.

This particular aura can be found
in the gait of a beautiful girl.

In her smile and in her soul.

In the way she makes every rotten thing
about life seem like it's gonna be okay.

The supermodels, Willie?

That's all they are:
Bottled promise.

Scenes from a brand-new day.
Hope dancing in stiletto heels.

I am now going
to check your freezer...

for human heads.

A beautiful girl's all-powerful.

And that is as good as love.
That's as good as love.

It's...
just that I gotta think...

beyond a couple times a week.

I feel like the biggest scumbag
on earth every time...

I see your kid smiling at me.

Look, Mommy.

It's nice, honey.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

It's making me nuts.
It's making you nuts.

Sharon, Steven.

I have been able to work it
so that he has no idea.

That's 'cause I don't show up
at your birthday parties drunk.

Sharon knew way before then.

Well, maybe Steve doesn't know
because Steve doesn't give a shit.

Tommy, don't try and characterize
my marriage as a bad one.

- I love Steven.
- So what are you doing fucking me?

I don't know.

But I guess I won't be
anymore, will I?

No. I guess not.

I wonder how I'll survive.

Oh, please.

I told Steven the reunion
would be a total bore.

And I assume Sharon won't
be accompanying you, right?

- No. You've taken care of that.
- Mom?

What?

Okay, sweetie.
Come on, we'll go home.

Okay? All right.
Let's put the other arm in.

Okay. Very good.

Look, it'll be great.

We'll be there alone.
It'll be just like the old days.

And we'll see...

if you really just
broke up with me or not.

Let's go, honey.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey. Hi. How ya doin'?

- Want some wine to warm you up?
- Sure.

Thanks, Stan.

♪♪

That was nice. Really nice.

Less intense and
emotionally possessed than normal,

but no less effective because
of its pointless coloration.

Excuse me?

Those were my teacher's exact comments
after my first recital.

I played "Rhapsody In Blue."

When in doubt, go Gershwin.

You drunk?

I don't know, but you both
look very beautiful.

So why the sad face?

Uh, job requirement.
Happy piano players work the circus.

I think you Knight's Ridge boys
take the ladies way too seriously.

Well, only until
baseball season starts.

Pitchers and catchers report to camp
in two months, three weeks and six days.

- Wanna go home with me?
- No.

No? Okay. I had to ask.

To be perfectly honest with you, I don't
find you the least bit attractive.

- Really?
- Really. So now you
wanna go home with me?

No.

- I've tried every angle.
- Job requirement.

Exactly.

Play something else.

What, you don't like this boozy,
after-hours musician banter?

Can't dance to it.

Ah?
You'd be surprised.

Okay, so you spurned
both of my sexual advances,

my attempts at conversation.

So now I'm gonna reach
deep down into my bag of tricks.

- Wanna go ice fishin'?
- I'd love to.

Great.

You know how it is in the
beginnings when you first fall in love,

and you can't eat,
you can't sleep...

and getting a call from her,
it makes your day?

It's like, uh, it's like
seeing a shooting star.

- It's the best.
- Yeah.

But inevitably it goes away,
quiets down.

So, th-this is my thing, see.

Why get married now?

Why not have two, three more
of those beginning things...

before I, you know,
settle into the big fade?

The big fade?
That's an awful way to put it.

- She's coming tomorrow.
- Mmm.

- That's obvious.
- I've got no feeling about that.

I mean, I've got a feeling
of overwhelming ambivalence.

But I would rather dread her arrival
than not give a shit either way.

I look... I look at you
and I think it's amazing...

that there's a guy out there that gets
to do all kinds of things with you.

He gets to make you happy
and spend evenings with you.

Make me martinis,
listen to Van Morrison.

- Smell your skin.
- After a day at the beach.

- Yeah. And read the papers.
- On a Sunday morning.

A rainy Sunday morning.

And pepper your belly
with baby kisses.

Sorry.

Thing is, there's a guy out there
that thinks the same thing about Tracy.

And he's jealous of you.

You getting to do all that
with her.

Let me ask you something. I mean,
can you think of anything better...

than making love
to an attractive stranger
in the middle of a frozen lake...

with just, just an oil light
to guide your way?

Can you think of anything better?

Going back to Chicago.

Ice-cold martini.
Van Morrison.

Sunday papers. Got you.

I gotta go, Willie.

Hey, uh...

Why is it I feel
I'll never see you again?

You'll see me again,
Willie.

Damn.

Hi.

You look awful.

- I've been drunk for two weeks.
- Nice.

- How was the drive?
- The roads were awful.

That was delicious. Really.

- Really superb, Tracy.
- Thank you.

Yeah. The fact that you can cook
rolled into the fact that you're
a successful lawyer,

and the fact that you are stunning
to look at, it just makes me insane.

Bobby!

I'm flattered, Bobby.

It really was superb, Tracy.

- All right.
So, we're gonna shower.
- Why?

'Cause we're goin' out, over to Mo's for
a pre-bash thing. Why? Why do you ca...

- You want to shower first or should I?
- Yeah.

Wh-Why don't you shower first,
Will?

We can take the rest
of the time to bond.

Go ahead. I'll be fine.

Superb.

It really was superb, Tracy.

Hey!

Romeo and Juliet,
the dyslexic version.

What are you doin'?

Just another
exciting Saturday night.

Hey, you got so many exciting
Saturday nights in your future.

Yeah. Yeah.

So your lady's here, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

I saw her.

Sh-She's really pretty.

She's okay.
She's not as pretty as you, though.

Kinda got that boob thing
going for her, though.

And she can get into
R-rated movies.

Two words not in her vocabulary:
Lunch money.

Hey, Marty.

I hope we stay in touch...

'cause I hope to learn...

someday about what you're doing.

'Cause I think whatever it is,
it'll be amazing.

I really do.

- Thank you.
- You got it.

- It was really great.
- Oh, good. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- Yeah, haven't had a home-cooked meal...
- Thank you for coming.

- Trace, Trace. We gotta get goin'.
- Good-bye.

Bye.

Very nice. Take care, now.

- Yeah. Stay warm, you guys.
- Be careful!

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye, bye.
- Bye, now.

♪ It's so easy ♪

It's unbelievable. I mean, they haven't
liked anyone since Steve McQueen died.

- You just...
- They're nice.

Nice. They're as far away
from nice as nice...

If nice is London,
they are Tokyo.

Okay.

You're nice.

I can't believe
you're not gonna go.

Yeah. I'm layin' low.
You have fun.

You loved high school, Birdy.
Everybody's gonna wonder what happened.

So, tell 'em I'm in Geneva...

doing my presentation
on subzero water removal.

You just wanna sit around here
all night long like a loser?

Channel 38's showing
Rich Man, Poor Man, all 12 parts.

- No shit?
- Back-to-back.

Oh, shit!

Fuck! Fuck!

Three hundred and sixty four
nights here I do dick.

The one night I decide to go out.
Fuck. You gotta tape it for me.

- Can't do it.
- Why not?

You can't tape
Rich Man, Poor Man.

You gotta watch it on TV with
the commercials and everything
just like everybody else.

It's a good point.

- Falconetti.
- Oh.

Man, oh man, was there ever
a more terrifying screen villain
than Falconetti?

No.

- You gonna watch it?
- Yep.

- All 12 parts?
- Back-to-back.

Shit.

It's a tough call.

- You're a bastard.
- Yep.

Hmm.

Oh, shit.

- Don't drink too much punch.
- Eh!

Stanley, you kill me.

So, what...
How does that work, usually?

That's not usually what
I practice, but if you...

- You want me to get you some more?
- Yeah.

All right.

Tracy!
Hey, Paul, are you good?

- How do you like those?
Those are good, right?
- I like your fists.

- She makes those herself.
- How does she get the hot dog in there?

- Mohammed, one white wine, please.
- Certainly.

Willie, my friend,
she is delightful.

- Delightful? Who are you, Rex Harrison?
- She's fucking amazing.

What is your major malfunction? She's
smart, funny. She's got a great ass.

- She's got a nice rack so far
as I could tell. Nice rack?
- Nice rack, yeah.

She's charming, she's rich,
she's got a great ass.

- Yeah, you mentioned that.
- It's that good, Will.

♪♪

- Hey, Frank.
- Hey, Tommy.

- Can I get a "Bud"?
- Sure.

♪♪

- Did she have a nice set of bags?
- The best. The best.

♪ And I don't know what to do ♪

♪ Each night I pray
there will never come a day ♪

- You're just beautiful.
- Of course you are.

- Always room for improvement.
- Do you know who you look a little like?

- Who?
- Ally Sheedy.

- Do you know Ally Sheedy?
Do you remember her?
- I get that all the time.

Whatever happened to her?
She was in The Breakfast Club
movie with the Estevez brothers.

- That's right, that's right.
- I've never seen her since.

- You know, did you ever see Misery?
- No.

- 'Cause you remind me of Kathy Bates.
- Oh, don't you say that.

- Thank you so much.
- Have you heard that before?

Did you hear Andera
went back to Chicago?

She was supposed to stay through the
reunion, but she just... up and left.

Really.

What'd you do to her
in that ice shack, Will?

I told you, we, we just talked.

- You told her things, didn't you?
- What things?

You let her behind the curtain,
didn't you?

- Maybe she missed her boyfriend.
- You let her behind the curtain.

I know you did. You never let 'em
behind the curtain, Will.

You never let 'em see the little
old man behind the curtain...

working the levers of
the great and powerful Oz.

They're all sisters, Willie.
They aren't allowed back there.

They mustn't see.

Tell me the truth.

Do you stay up nights
thinking about this shit?

You say it like it's a bad thing.

- Hi, Darian. Good to see you.
- Susan, how are you?

- I need your last name.
- Smalls.

Say, didn't you used to be
Darian Smalls?

- That's right.
- I'm Peter Gropman. You remember me?

No.

I used to have a weight problem.
You called me "Peter the Eater."

- You made me cry in seventh grade.
- I did?

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

You here alone?

- Yeah, I guess I am.
- That's weird.

Darian Small's alone?

God, you were something
in those days, Darian.

You were beautiful.

But if you don't mind me saying,
mean as a snake.

You were as mean as a snake.

Hello, Tom.

Steve.

How come you're not
at the reunion?

I wasn't into it.

Won't Darian be disappointed?

- Mmm... did she go?
- Yeah.

- That's nice.
- Can I buy you a drink?

Uh, no. I'm good. I've got one.

Come on, Tom. One drink.

No, I was just...
just gonna be leaving.

Okay.

Let me see
if I get this straight.

I can't buy you a drink,

but you can stick your dick
into my wife.

- Frank, a shot of rye.
- Two.

See, I think it's
Knight's Ridge.

Fuckin' working-class towns, man.

Girls grew up here. Every time
they see a tool belt they get moist.

Well, you know, I've got
an extra one I can lend you, Steve.

Hook you with some vise grips,
ratchet, allen wrench.

Don't fuck with me, man.

Don't worry about them, either.
This is me and you.

You know,
I don't think it is, Steve.

You don't strike me as the type of guy
who fights his own battles.

But I'll give you
the benefit of the doubt.

I'll tell you what, Steve.
Why don't you do yourself a favor?

Drink your shot,
go back to your boys,

play a little game
of quarters or whatever it is
you frat brothers like to do.

And I'll get out of your hair.
Thanks, Frank.

- You couldn't leave it alone, huh?
- That's right, motherfucker.

Agh!

Get him! Get him!
You motherfucker! Come on!

Agh! Ooh.

Fuck... you!

- Let's go.
- Fuckin' lowlife.

Fucking "A."
Showed him, man.

Piece of shit.

♪ Ugh, oh, sookie, sookie now ♪

- Shit!
- Michael!
- What?

Frank just called from the bar.
Tommy got his ass kicked.

- He got the shit kicked out of him!
- By who?

- I don't know, man. Let's go.
- Michael, I don't think you should.

Sarah, not now, okay?
Not now! Come on.

I'm goin'. Come on.

- Will. Willie?
- Hey, hey!

Go.

Come on.
Let's go, let's go.

♪ I want you to be my spouse ♪

♪ So that we can live
happily now ♪

- Where is he?
- He didn't
want me to call the cops.

- He said no cops.
- Tommy!

- Thanks, man.
- Tommy?

- Who did this?
- Relax, man.

- Who the fuck did this?
- Calm down, Mo!

Frank, who did this?

Rossmore. He and his buddies,
they did it.

- Where're you going?
- To find Steve Rossmore.

- All of a sudden he's Charles Bronson.
- Get him to a hospital!

- Come on, come on.
- Okay, okay. Go.

It's snowin'.

I can't believe
I'm gonna have to plow tonight.

Of course, Tommy was sleeping
with the guy's wife.

So? Tch.

Well, I mean, it's not like
he was all that innocent.

- So he deserved
to get beat up like that?
- No, but...

- Did you see his face?
- What I'm saying...
Look, this does present...

something of a moral dilemma.

- All right. All right, fuck it.
Now let's lynch the bastard.
- Thank you.

We got a plan?

No plan.

- Think he's here?
- Huh? I don't know.

Fuckin' douchebag, man.

- Easy, Mo.
- Take it easy.

Yo, man. You fuck with my friend,
you fuck with me!

You beat up my friend,
you beat up me, huh?

You fuck with me,
you fuck with you.

You go to the fountain, you drink.
You don't drink.

- Agh! I don't know
what you're talking about.
- Don't talk back, little man.

Mo!

- What?
- We got company.

The cavalry has arrived.
Assholes!

Aw! Aw!

Car trouble, fellas?

You know, I didn't even see ya!

Now, where were we,
shithead?

Daddy, what's going on?

I'm just trying to save
my family here, man. All right?

- Just stay away from us, Stevie.
- Come on.

Hey, darling. Just go back inside,
all right? I'll be right in.

'Kay.

- Okay?
- Yeah. Now let's get outta here.

Fu-Fucking kids
come around and shit.

Yeah.

- What the fuck did you say, man?
- Aw, man, that's bad.

See you, fellas.

- How is he?
- Been in there an hour.
I don't know nothing.

- So, what'd they say?
- They didn't say nothin'.

They didn't say nothing?

- How are you?
- Did you guys do your macho things?

No, no. We just went over there
and Mo pushed him around a little bit.

- You, you call Annie
and tell her we'd be late?
- Yeah.

I told her she could sleep over.

That was good.

You okay?

- Yeah. I'm sorry, sweetheart.
- Just... don't.

- I'm sorry.
- I know.

- Oh, I know.
- I love you, baby.

Miss, would you mind checking
on room 309, please?

- You haven't heard anything?
- Whoa, here we go.

- Who called her?
- I don't know.

Who do you think? Me.

- What's up?
- He's gonna be okay.

He has a concussion and 2 broken ribs,
and he took about 30 stitches, but...

- But he's gonna be okay?
- Yeah. He's gonna be fine.

He said that it's snowing
and that somebody should...

Sand his lots. Got it.

- Go get 'em, Kev.
- Will you tell him I'll be
by tomorrow to say good-bye?

Wait, wait, wait.
Where're you going?

We're going back.
We're going back tomorrow.

- Just like that?
- Just like that.

- Is the couch okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.

It's fine.

Sorry about tonight.

- I had fun.
- Yeah?

It's pretty lively around here.

So how come you're coming back
with me?

I don't know.
Because I want to.

Mmm.

I'm gonna take that sales job.

- I don't think you should.
- How come?

Piano players are sexy.

Salesmen are uncles.

- And uncles aren't sexy?
- Not usually.

Wait, wait, wait.
This is so weird.

You never had sex
in here before?

Not with another person.

So...

So how are you holding up?
Are you in a lot of pain?

No, I'm okay.

You look nice.

Thanks. I was on a date.

Did you have fun?

It was okay.

Oh, it's weird.

- What is?
- Mmm. I was just...

layin' here and wondering...

how I got here, you know?

I don't mean here.
I mean, how I got here.

How I'm not anything like...

what I'd hoped that I'd be.

You know?

I'm not even... I'm not even close
to the guy I thought I'd end up being.

And it kinda blows.

You know?

When I think about that guy
that I thought I was gonna be,

there's, uh...

there's this girl next to him.

With him.

And I don't know.

She looks sort of like you.

- Sorta?
- Exactly.

Exactly sorta.

♪ Beth, I hear you callin' ♪

♪ But I can't come home
right now ♪

♪ Me and the boys are playin' ♪

♪ And we just can't find
the sound ♪

♪ Just a few more hours ♪

♪ And I'll be right home
to you ♪

♪ I think I hear them callin' ♪

♪ Oh, Beth
What can I do ♪

♪ Oh, Beth
What can I do ♪♪

- Hi.
- Hey!

You look excellent.

Did you guys fuck up Rossmore?

Nah. You know, we just put
the fear of God into him a little.

He turned out to be
a real shit, didn't he?

He had a right to be pissed.

Ah. How's she doin'?

She's fine.

Yeah. You're not gonna
fuck it up with her, are ya?

What do you think?
She's one of the good ones.

Why do we always manage
to fuck up the good ones?

I don't know. I know
I've been pretty successful at it.

Listen, I just...

I came by to say good-bye.
I'm, uh, I'm takin' off.

- Takin' off?
- Yeah.

All right. Listen, maybe, uh,
maybe I'll come down and visit.

Yeah. Right.
Like what, spring?

- Spring.
- Spring.

- Hey.
- Now don't be a stranger.

- All right. Take care of each other.
- All right.

See ya.

- Ho!
- Surprise!

- Aw, shit!
- Hi.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Tough guy, how you feelin' today?
- I've been better.

- Yeah?
- You takin' off?

Yeah. I'm going home.

Uh, listen.
Say good-bye to Sarah.

- Say good-bye to Tracy.
- Will do.

Y-You ever figure
any of that shit out?

- L... You know. I'm workin' on it.
- Good.

Mo!

- I'd better get in there, huh?
- All right.

- All right. See you soon.
- All right, buddy.

Love you, man.

Tommy!
How ya doin', bud?

I'm not used to all this snow.

- How long of a drive is it back?
- Oh, about five, six hours.

- If he drives, for sure five.
- Good luck, then.

- I hope you have nice weather for it.
- Yeah, it's not been too bad.

- Don't be a stranger.
- Let me carry that.

- Front or back?
- Back is good.

Take care.

Okay. All right.

Ha.

- Word is, Jan and Victor
are engaged, Willie.
- How do you feel about that?

That chick drains me, man.
They're all sisters.

- Each and every one of them sisters.
- Yo, Willie Boy!

Hey!

- So you outta here?
- Yep.

She is a honey-limbed lovely.

- Nice meeting you.
- Thank you. You too.

- Have a safe ride.
- Trace!

- This is Marty. Marty, Tracy.
- Hi.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

- Okay. Take care, big guy.
- Thanks.

All right.

- Bob.
- All right.

It was nice meeting you.

- You ready?
- Yeah, yeah. Bye.

Bye, Marty.

Later, Pooh.

Come back and see us, Will.
We'll be right here where you left us.

Nothing changes in the Ridge
but the seasons.

So you're the little
neighborhood Lolita.

So you're the alcoholic
high school buddy, shit for brains.

That little girl is cute.
What was her name? Marcie?

No, no. Marty.

- As in Martha?
- No, as in Martin.

Named after a grandfather
she never even knew.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

Superb.

Willie "C." Take care, man.

Stay cool.
Stay cool forever.

All right, Kev.

♪ Where it began ♪

♪ I can't begin to knowin' ♪

♪ But then I know
it's growin' strong ♪

♪ Was in the spring ♪

♪ And spring became the summer ♪

♪ Who'd have believed
you'd come along ♪

♪ Hands ♪

♪ Touching hands ♪

♪ Reachin' out ♪

♪ Touchin' me ♪

♪ Touchin' you ♪

♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

♪ Good times
never seemed so good ♪

♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

♪ I believe they never could ♪

♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

♪ Good times
never seemed so good ♪♪

♪♪

♪ Drivin' slowly ♪

♪ Watchin' the headlights
in the rain ♪

♪ Funny how things change ♪

♪ Think of the good times ♪

♪ Wishin' you were still
with me ♪

♪ The way it used to be ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Watchin' the stars fall ♪

♪ A million dreams
have all gone bad ♪

♪ Think of all we had ♪

♪ I knew it all then ♪

♪ I thought you loved me
I was wrong ♪

♪ But life goes on ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Oh-ooh ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Thinkin' all the time
when everything was right ♪

♪ Thinkin' all the time
of only you and I ♪

♪ Makes me sorry that
it had to end that way ♪

♪ I've learned my lesson now
There's nothing left to say ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Oh-ooh ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Thinkin' all the time
when everything was right ♪

♪ Thinkin' all the time
of only you and I ♪

♪ Makes me sorry that
it had to end that way ♪

♪ I've learned my lesson now
There's nothing left to say ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Oh-ooh ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪♪