Beautiful Creatures (2000) - full transcript

TONY:
I love you, Dorothy.

DOROTHY:
I know you do, Tony.

You're a totally
gorgeous creature.

(CHUCKLING)
I love you as well.
You know I do.

Can I get a kiss?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(KISSING)

You haven't seen
my new golf clubs
anywhere, have you?

What golf clubs?

I came home
with them.

New golf clubs in
a leather golf bag.



I never knew you
could play golf.

I'm a mysterious
kind of guy.

Dead mysterious.

So, have you
seen them?
Seen what?

My new golf clubs.

When did you learn
to play?

Earlier this year.
Will you teach me?

Not without a set
of clubs.

I would've seen them.

Of course.
That's why I'm
telling you

that when I went
to get them,
they were gone.

That's so like you,
losing a set
of golf clubs.

That's not like me at all.
I haven't lost them.

I think
maybe you have.



I've no interest
in golf whatsoever.

You wanted to
learn a minute ago.

(LAUGHING) Yeah,
but I was kidding.

I was joking with you.

You mean you've
been lying to me?

So are you lying
to me now?

I have no idea.

None? So you
wouldn't have moved
the golf clubs?

Or sold
the golf clubs?
I haven't.

Or pawned them
for cash?

I've pawned nothing!

That would be
just like you.
Leave me alone!

I've no idea
where they are
or where they went.

Dorothy,
I need my golf clubs!

You can't play golf!

If you've moved them,
tell me.

I left them in
the living room.

You're saying you're
going to Amsterdam
to play golf?

I don't even think
Amsterdam has golf.

What do you know
about Amsterdam?

What, in God's name,
do you know about golf?

Listen, you!

I know I left
a bag of clubs
in the living room

and they weren't there
when I went to get them.

Now I want to know
where the fuck...

If you left a bag
of clubs in the flat,
then they're in the flat.

You're lying!
Shit!

Stop!

Here, that's enough
of that!

(GRUNTS)

I'm going to tear
that flat apart

and see if
my golf clubs
aren't there.

I swear to God
I'm going to
drink your blood.

I'm sorry.
Must be the golf.

It's driven him mad.

I'm awful sorry
about that.

Sorry.

Pluto, my boy.

Come and see
your daddy.

Tony?

(WATER BOILING)

Tony?

Pluto?

(PLUTO WHIMPERING)

Pluto!

(OVER WALKMAN)
* When marimba rhythms
start to play

(SINGING ALONG)
* Dance with me

* Make me sway

* Like a lazy ocean
hugs the shore

* Hold me close

* Sway me more

* Like a flower bending
in the breeze

* Bend with me

* Sway with ease

* When we dance
you have a way with me...

It's the middle of
the fucking night!

Not in Cairo, it isn't.
Not in Hong Kong, it isn't.

You think they care
it's the middle
of the night here?

I've got personal things
to attend to.

PETULA: (SINGING ALONG)
* Dear, but my eyes
will see only you

* Only you have
the magic technique

* When we sway
I go weak

(PETULA SCATTING)

* I can hear
the sound of violins

* Long before
it begins... *

Get in the car!

Get in the fucking car!

(WALKMAN CONTINUES PLAYING)

DOROTHY:
You and me will start
a new life this time.

No more dealers
or junkies or maniacs.

We'll be long gone
before he gets back.

(WHIMPERS)

Don't be scared,
big boy.

Oh.

I don't think this
is going to come out.

Thank God.

You rotten,
shitty bastard, Tony.

Somebody smells nice.

Don't look at me.

It's the dog.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Bloody lunatics.

(BARKING)

An ounce of rolling tobacco
and a packet of Maltesers.

Excuse me.
When you have a second.

You shouldn't
read that shite

'cause it badly
exploits women.

£4.29, please.

He's taken my money.

(SIGHS)

Can I owe you?

You mean,
can you exploit me?

I'll send it to you
in the post.

Not allowed
to give credit.

I need a smoke.

I'm on the run
from a maniac.
So's my dog.

That's not
a very healthy color,
right enough.

Go on. I'll sub you.

Go on.

(PLUTO BARKING)

Shut up, Pluto.

(GRUNTS)

Give me 10 seconds
to catch my dog.

Pluto!

Fucking disappear!
(GROANS)

You are going nowhere!

Leave her alone!

(BARKING)

(GROANS)

You fucking bitches!

Get the fuck,
you fucking bitches!

No!
Come here.

(GROANING)

You're an evil,
lying bitch!

Stop it.
You're mine.

PETULA: Brian, stop it!

(PETULA SCREAMING)

BRIAN: Right,
you're going nowhere!

(MUMBLING)

Do you hear me?

I'm going to
fucking kill you!

(SCREAMING)

(COUGHING)

(GASPING FOR BREATH)

I'll be all right
in a minute.

Get my breath back.

You just get sick of
listening to all that

"I'm going to
fucking kill you" stuff.

Right, I'll help you
get him in the car.

What for?

So you can
drive him home,
call the police.

I can't drive.

And I'm not
calling the police.
He's my boyfriend.

(WHIMPERS)

PETULA: I want you gone
as soon as he wakes up.

(WOMEN PANTING)

DOROTHY: If I was you,
I'd dump him here.

I can't dump him here.

I'd lose my home
and my job,
and everything.

How?

'Cause I work for
his big brother.

Fuck, he's heavy,
isn't he?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

PETULA: I think
Brian's going to
be sick again.

DOROTHY: To the left.

Quick.

(BRIAN RETCHING)

(DOROTHY EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

PETULA: Shit.

Let's put him in the bath
in case he throws up
over anything else.

PETULA:
I've never seen a pink
and white dog before.

He's half part pedigree,
half part acrylic.

Really?

I've never heard
of them.

Do you know of anything
I could use as a roach?

Don't make yourself
too comfy.

I didn't invite you back
for a party.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a little shaky.
It would help calm me down.

Have a scrounge
in my rucksack.

There's bound
to be something.

Fancy a cup of tea?

Yeah.

Here.

I'm Petula,
by the way.

Nice grass.

You missed your bus.

Petula?

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SOBBING)

Are you okay?

It's okay.
It's just the cold.

It's only when
we have too much
to drink.

A bit silly.

It was my own fault
tonight

'cause he caught me
going through his desk.

I was looking
for my passport.

I wanted to
visit my mum.

She's moved
to Majorca.

Why does he
keep your passport?

Why?

'Cause he loves me.

What do you think?

I had it
like that once.

Do you think
Brian will like it?

Go on.

Trust me.
It'll really suit you.

Nice surprise
when he wakes up.

(GRUNTING)

(WHIMPERING)

BRIAN: Petula!
(BARKING)

(THUD)

Is he okay?

Brian?

Brian?

Are you okay?

Brian, say something.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

What is the matter
with him?

Is he German?

Brian, stop it!

(PLUTO BARKS)
Shut up, Pluto.

Brian?

Brian?

Brian, I'm sorry.

Is he kidding?

Brian, please.
I'm sorry.

Just slap his face
gently.

Come on now.
I'm really sorry.

Just give his face
a gentle slap.

Don't be angry.

That's what you do
to wake them up.

He's dead.

(SOBBING) He's dead!
Brian's dead.

Get out of my road!

Oh, dear God!
Get out of my road!

DOROTHY: Dear God.

(SOBBING)

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

DOROTHY: Will the police
be able to tell

I bashed his head in
with scaffolding?

'Cause I didn't
mean to kill him.

I know.

I was trying to
stop him killing you.

I know.

You wouldn't have
lasted another minute

the way he was choking you
and whacking your head.

Petula...

I'll have to spend

years of my life
in a jail cell
all by myself.

I mean,
that's not fair.

I was only trying
to help.

I don't even
know the guy.

I was only trying
to help.

What if we make
an anonymous phone call
and then disappear?

We can't because
I haven't got a phone.

If we don't say
who we are.

But I haven't
got a phone.

I know,
but they won't be able
to trace the call.

I haven't got a phone.
We don't have a phone.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

You have to
go to work.

I helped you,
so you have to help me.

Now, before you're late.
As though everything
is hunky-dory.

(RINGING TONE)

(GRUNTING)

Petula, wait.

You can't go yet.
Take off your coat.

Phone me
on Brian's phone.

Two rings,
then hang up.

Then ring again
immediately so
I know it's you.

Thanks for coming
to help me

last night.

Listen. You have to
give me some money.

Oh. Right.
Yeah, of course.

How much do you
normally charge?

DOROTHY: What?

No, not for
the haircut.

I want to get
Tony's golf clubs
out the pawn shop.

If he comes back,
I'll send him packing

so he won't turn
the place upside down

and stumble across
your dead boyfriend.

RONNIE: Where's Brian?

Where is Brian?

He is...

I don't actually
know where he is.

Morning.

Your Brian back
on the drink again?

(CHUCKLES)

Then let's just
pray His Lordship's met

with a particularly
horrible accident.

(PHONE RINGING)

RONNIE OVER PHONE:
Petula!

Yes, Mr. McMinn.

I see.

Uh-huh.

Right. Yes, I'll start
with Eastern General.

The police have found
Brian's car abandoned.

Mr. McMinn wants me
to phone the hospitals.

I am so sorry.

That's all right, Sheena.
He'll be just lying
in a heap somewhere.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Dorothy, they found
the car abandoned

and there's
a policeman coming

to see me
in the morning
if Brian doesn't show.

Petula, do you know
Northcraigs Beach?

Mmm-hmm.
I will meet you at
the coffee stall at 6:30.

Well?

The hospital people
have no idea

about anything to do
with Brian, Mr. McMinn.

No, that's terrific.

We were just curious
if you knew whether

he'd had an accident
or something, or died.

We've had
no admissions
of that name

or fitting
that description.

Oh, good.

Goodbye then,

and thank you
for being so helpful
and informative.

They have not
had any admissions

fitting that name
or that description.

Was he with you
last night?

Early on, he was.

Then, later on,
he wasn't.

MAN: Now, this is called
a decapod crustacean.

That's a lobster.

Nature uses them to
clean dead bodies.

Them and shrimps get
all the drowned flesh
off the bones.

What was the name
of that fish
I showed you?

A halibut.
That's right.

Fishermen like halibut
because of their shapes.

Fishermen like
to make them
their girlfriends

even though
their body temperature

is much lower than
a proper girlfriend.

Usually, that is.
WOMAN: Sandy.

Sandy, come here.
Come away.

I brought you
some clothes.

I bought you a coffee.

Your stuff's
covered in paint.

What?
Oh, lovely. Thanks.

Thanks.

We've got
to shift him.
Where?

Somewhere it'll look okay
that nobody found
him straight away.

Somewhere
he might have gone
without taking you

where he could fall,
bang his head

and die
without us doing it.

His boat.

He's got a boat?
It's his secret
hideaway.

It's where he goes
if he wants to hide
from his big brother.

We could drop
him down the hatch,

and it would
look like he fell.

Traditionally, they are
very dangerous things,
hatches.

How do we get him
to the boat?
In a car.

You told me you
couldn't drive.

I can't. Brian was
giving me lessons.

At least he was
screaming at me

and punching me
in an old Saab.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

WOMAN: (MOANING)
Take me! Take me!

Take me in mine arse!

(MOANING) Yeah!

(WOMAN CONTINUES MOANING)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(BOTH MOANING)

WOMAN: Take me!

Pluto, teatime.
Come on.

What have you got?
Hmm?

Give it to me.

Pluto, give.

(SCREAMING)

Fuck!

Oh, my God.

That is very,
very, very bad.

(RINGING)

PETULA OVER PHONE:
Brian?

Is that you?

It's me.

I know. I didn't
really think it was him.

I thought you might be
somebody checking.

I just...

I just wanted to
see if you were

all right, you know,

and I wanted to
say thank you

for everything.

Don't be silly.

You're welcome.
Go to sleep.

Night-night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bugs bite.
(CHUCKLES)

You, too.

Sleep tight.

"Don't let the bugs bite."

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi, Miss Peploe.

Detective Inspector Hepburn,
Eastern and District CID.

Hello, Inspect-Detector.

George is okay.

I'm Petula.

Sorry, I didn't
sleep very well.

Come in, please.
Sorry I'm not up.

Oops. Sorry.

Please, allow me.

(GASPS)

Would you mind
waiting here
till I'm dressed?

Of course.

You going in to work?
Uh-huh.

I have to.

They won't mind if
I'm late, though.

Who won't mind?
Ronnie McMinn?

Big softie, isn't he?

You a friend of his?

There's no such thing
as friends

on the golf course,
I'm afraid.

So, Petula, you work
for Brian McMinn?

PETULA: Well, I work
for his big brother,
technically.

Uh-huh. How long
have you been
living with Brian?

A year.

How long have you
worked for the firm?

About a week longer
than we've been
living together.

Love at first sight, eh?

Oh. Absolutely.

It really was very much
and completely that.

Firstly,
I should ask you.

Do you have any idea
where your boyfriend
might be?

None.

You last saw him?

Tuesday night.

We'd been for dinner.
We came home.

Brian sat up drinking,
and I went to bed.

I suppose I just
drank too much.

I didn't so much
go to bed as crash.

Was Mr. McMinn in
a similar condition?

He was probably.

I was only
drinking Sea Breezes.

You got the bruise
from walking
into something

while you
were inebriated?

Not from being
punched by Brian?

What's that supposed
to mean?

I'm a detective
inspector, Petula.

Do you know
what a detective
inspector does?

This is one of
those police questions

you're supposed to
say no to, isn't it?

What a detective
inspector does,
is he detects things.

And then when
he's successfully
detected them,

he inspects them

in order to establish
whether or not

there was any point
in detecting them.

Mmm-hmm.

And from where
I'm standing

I can detect
some bruising around

your cheekbone,
consistent with a blow

and discoloration
around your neck,

consistent with
an attempted throttling.

I'm not being
too personal,
am I, Petula?

Do you have other men
in your life

or does Brian
get violent
when he drinks?

He doesn't.

I don't have any
other men in my life.

So, either lover-boy
hit you and stormed out
in a raging temper

or you've killed him
and hidden his body.

That is just utterly

and completely
ridiculous!

What is?
That I've killed him
and hidden his body.

I know.

I was being facetious
to stop you getting upset.

Even joking
you shouldn't say.

How would you feel
if your wife
had disappeared?

I'm not married,
and neither are you.

What you're saying
isn't the sort of thing

you should make
facetious remarks about

because it could
be the sort of thing

that people
could get upset by.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

(SNIFFING)

Stuart, I've got
a wee bit of a situation
developing here.

That's right,
the missing persons.

Anybody needs me
I'll be in the office
after lunch.

(SNIFFING)

Could you
look at it again?

I'm okay now,
I think.

(PETULA GASPS)

It's Brian's ring.

Did he have it on
when you last saw him?

Yes.

He wears it
all the time.
It's stuck.

He says he'll never
get the bloody thing off.

That's Brian's
mobile phone.

Are you up
to trying it now?

No, I don't.
I mean, do I have to?

We have to know
a few things quickly.

We have to know
Brian's state of health,

whether or not
this is a hoax,

and we have to...
you have to make sure

that if there is
a real problem here

that we don't jeopardize
Mr. McMinn's well-being
by our actions.

Am I being clear?

(DIALING)

(RINGING TONE)

What's the matter?
Are you not okay?

I don't know what
I'm going to say.

Find out what they want.
They'll tell you.

(DIALING)

(RINGING TONE)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

PETULA OVER PHONE:
Hello?

DOROTHY: Hello, Petula.

If Brian's brother
wants Brian back,

he'll have to
pay money for him.

They know my name.

Ask them
what they want.

They want money.

How much money
do they want?

How much money
do you want?

DOROTHY:
You're the one
who works there.

What's a reasonable sum?

How much is he worth?

How much
can Ronnie McMinn
get his hands on?

I don't...

I don't know
what you mean.

How much?

Petula...

He's dead now
and we killed him.

So, if we
could get away
from here forever.

I can't think of
anything else to say.

Brian is dead.
You're all alone.
It's just you and me.

Help me.

You want exactly
£1 million cash.

No. A real number.
A serious number.
Not a bloody imaginary...

£1 million or...

Ronnie McMinn will
get his brother's head

in a green
nylon knapsack

all tied up
with a ribbon
through the post.

Bloody hell.

Tell them you have
to speak to Brian.

Hello...

I have to speak
to Brian.

(WHISPERING)
To know that
he's all right.

To know
that he's all right.

We can't bring him
to the phone.

(WHISPERING) They can't
bring him to the phone.

Then how do we know
that they haven't

already decapitated
Mr. McMinn?

Ask him something.

Who?
Brian.

Ask me to ask
Brian a question.

I have to
ask him something.

What?

What do you
want me to ask him?

Something only you
and Brian both know.

Something only me
and Brian both know.

On you go.

Ask him...

Tell him to...

God, I can't think
of what to ask.

Tell them to ask
Brian to tell you
when and where

you and him
last made love.

When and where
did Brian and me

last make love?

Half an hour ago,
up the bottom.

(GASPS)

That is precisely,
100% spot on.

(LAUGHING)

You're not contemplating
something silly here,
are you, hen?

It's a favorite spot,
you know.

It's lovely.

It's not lovely
when you're fishing
them out of the water.

Away home and
take an overdose.

They've hung up.

Did they answer
the question?

What did they say?

Oh.

They said,
"On the leather
couch in his office,

"Tuesday lunchtime...

"Twice."

And would that
be correct?

Then I have to say
that I think Mr. McMinn

is a very,
very lucky man

because obviously...

Obviously he hasn't
had his head cut off.

(GASPS) I'm so sorry.

I thought you meant...
You've had
a massive shock.

Now, let me
ask you before I go,

do you have
an easily accessible

back entrance
I can make use of?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

HEPBURN: Dave, have you
seen Neil McIndoe?

Who's Neil McIndoe?

Regional pathologist.

Big ugly fucker,
no taste in clothes,
bad personal hygiene.

Got you.
In the canteen.

Reason I didn't know
who you meant,

was everybody
calls him "dog breath."

Fuck me.

You're not eating
that swill out of choice,
are you, Neil?

Detective Inspector Hepburn.

How's the golf, George?

It'd be a lot better
if some fucker

hadn't ripped off
my clubs out my car.

The reason I come here
to eat this swill

is so I can enjoy my lunch
without being surrounded
by body parts.

I thought pathologists
had no feelings.

That's a myth,

like all pathologists
have bad breath.

Where is your finger from?

You tell me.

Off a dead person
or a live one?

Obviously dead.

If you cut a finger
from somebody
that's alive,

that finger
will exsanguinate.

All the blood
will drain from it.

Cut that finger
from a corpse,

the blood is already
semi-coagulated.

That's what I thought.

Somebody playing
practical silly fuckers?

Some medical student,
no doubt.

They're such scum,
those fuckers.

(SPURTING)

This is Brian's finger.

You recognize the ring?

I know my own flesh,
George.

Does this mean
he's alive?

On balance, Ronnie,

all things
taken into account

and after listening
to expert advice,

I can say absolutely.

He was alive
when it was cut off.

The girl's spoken to him.

If they hadn't
killed him by then,
they won't kill him now.

What are you. Sorry,
I have to keep that.

I'm going to see
it's returned
to my brother.

Not now, later.
I have to keep it
in custody

for the time being.

Custody?

I mean, as evidence.

Don't! Sorry.

Sorry, Ronnie. Please.

Don't touch that.
I haven't had time
to have it dusted yet.

For fingerprints?

I'm sorry, Ronnie,
but I have to
ask you one question

just to
get the possibility
out of the way.

And this is
simply to eliminate
a line of enquiry.

George, ask me.

There's no possibility,
is there,

that Brian would
be so hard up for money

he would sacrifice
his own fingers

in an attempt
to finagle funds
out of his big brother?

Ronnie?

(LAUGHS)

He'd only have
to ask me.

Right.

In that case,
we proceed
with this being

a bona fide kidnapping
and extortion.

They want
precisely £2 million.

PETULA: All right, then.

Well, I'll meet you
about 7:00 tonight.

Listen, can you drive?

So, that's it then?

Sorry.
What do you mean,
that's what?

That's the famous couch
where it all happened...

"Tuesday lunchtime...

"Twice."

(CHUCKLES)

(SQUEAKING)

(RONNIE SIGHS)

Does Brian think
he can still
keep you happy

with only nine fingers?

What?

Still, that's a lot of money
for a wee bit of your body.

Hmm? Isn't it? Eh?

Which bit of your body
is worth the most to you?

Stop it.

Those are lovely lips.

(LIFT CLANGS)

My wee brother
was still alive

when his finger
was cut off from him.

Can you imagine how sore
that must've been

chopping through
bone and gristle
and tender flesh?

Brian's too soft
for any of that.

Isn't he?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

(LAUGHING)

You didn't do it
for him, did you?

'Cause if I thought...

Well, you could kiss
those lovely lips goodbye.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

And I wouldn't
stop there, Petula.

Any messages for me?

Somebody
called Ronnie McMinn
phoned this morning.

Got his number.

Just a pal of mine
wanting a game of golf.

Any luck
with your clubs?

What do you expect?

The police are
a bunch of worthless,
skiving assholes.

What about your
missing persons?

Fucked off
in a drunken huff
and left his missus.

Is she a dog?

(LAUGHS) Stuart, my son,
she is a total fucking dog.

Can't blame
the poor fucker.

Maybe he topped
himself having to gaze

at her ugly mug
while trying to digest.

(STUART LAUGHING)

PETULA: Clutch,
accelerator, brake.

No. Brake,
accelerator, clutch.

Surely.

(ENGINE STARTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SIGHS)

Neutral.

"Always make sure
your vehicle is in neutral

"before you start
your engine, Petula,

"or I will punch
your fucking lights out."

"Mirror, signal, maneuver."

Now what the fuck
was that about?

(STARTS ENGINE)

PETULA: Oh!

DOROTHY: Oh, my God!

(GRUNTS)

PETULA: We bring
Brian's body here
after it's dark.

We'll make it seem
the kidnappers
held him here

and tortured him for days
before they killed him.

You have a very
brilliant criminal mind.

What are you doing?

Torturers don't tidy up.

The place should be
a complete smelly tip,
reeking of lager.

Right.

We should get
some Chinese take-aways
and chuck them about.

Also, we should
get some filthy socks
and pants of Tony's.

I bet you £1 million,
kidnappers' pants
smell just like Tony's.

(LAUGHING)

(WOMAN MOANING)

(WOMAN SPEAKING GERMAN)

DOROTHY: "Fick mich in
meinen Arsch," Petula.

What?
Are you judging me?

No, I'm not judging you.

If I was judging you,
you would be in jail
for murder,

kidnapping, torture.

Dorothy,
that is totally gross.

Get off me, you monster.

Sniff my cheesy
"grunties," flower.

Gonna suck mein socks
and fick meinen Arsch!

(LAUGHING)

Come on.
That's disgusting!

I'm going for a pee.

(URINATING)

No, dog, get out.

Bloody hell.
That can't be pleasant.

That is as thick
as a baby's arm.

Would you let a baby
do that to you
with his arm?

Get away from there!

Fuck!

Oh, fuck.

(PANTING)

Is that somebody
we know out there?

Eh?

Who's the
fucking stiff, Dot?

Tony, that's
Petula's boyfriend.

He was in an accident.

And it's got
nothing to do with you.
So just don't start!

Petula?

You've got to
be kidding.

Right.

I want my golf clubs.

Is this what you
were looking for,
you evil bastard?

Get out
or I'll stab you,
I honestly will.

Where'd you get
one of them?

Jesus.

Listen.

I'm not well.
I'm sick, doll.

I didn't know that
was in there, darling.
Don't get upset at me.

There's something in
my golf bag I need.

Make me feel
better, doll.

I'm feeling shite.

And then
I'll be out of here.
You know me, babe.

I'll get my gear
and mellow out
and vamoose, babe.

You get it
and you get out.

See?

My stash, doll.

And my works.
'Cause I need
my stash, eh?

I need my gun.

Now what the fuck
is fucking going on here?

I'm asking you
right now.

What the fuck
were you doing
with my underpants?

Eh?

There's no way
you can describe
these as cheesy.

(SNIFFING)

These are as fresh
as a newborn daisy.

Pluto, my baby.
Come to bed.

Pluto, no. No!

(BARKING)

Now put the knife down

or I'll shoot
Scooby-Doo here,
(WHIMPERING)

right in the middle
of his face.

So what's
the score then?

Who's the poor bastard
out in the cold?

He's my boyfriend.

Who killed him?

Well, he was
beating me up

and Dorothy came
and rescued me.

Nobody meant to
kill anybody.

That makes it okay,
then, does it?

Some poor fucker
goes down that
fucking tunnel

and it's okay
by you pair

'cause it was
only an accident.

How come he's not
buried in a grave,

in a fucking cemetery,
if it's hunky-dory?

We were going to
phone the authorities.

Don't you patronize me.
I'll cut your face off.

He's been kidnapped.

I heard you just now.

So how much is
your stiff worth?

If you lie to me,
I'll hurt the dog
really badly.

Tony, it's not...
£1 million.

You're kidding.

Well, well, well.

That's enough
for all three of us

to play with,
isn't it, girls?

Now then,

come and sit down
next to me.

Hit me with some of
that really fabby gear
out of my golf bag.

Your friend is gorgeous,
by the way.

Have you pair got
a wee thing going?

That would be...
Oh, rather nice.

Oh.

Do yourself.

No, Tony, please.

Do yourself

or I'll shoot
the dog in the face
with my golf gun.

Look at her.

A former connoisseur.

The good old days,
eh, Dorothy?

Now, let me be frank
with you.

I'm not interested
in money.

There's other things
I need more than money.

Here.

Now, I want you to
take off your tights

and tie Dorothy's hands
behind her back.

Now, Petula,

I want you to
take off your pants.

PETULA: Why?

'Cause I'm gonna
fuck you, gorgeous.

Then you and I are
gonna watch

while Scooby-Doo
fucks Dorothy.

Oh.

(YELLS)

(PLUTO BARKING)

(PLUTO WHIMPERS)

You bastard!

(SCREAMS)

I'm gonna fucking
kill you!

You bastard!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

One, two, three.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Leave it.

(RINGING TONE)

Still here, boss?

You got the keys
for the secure room?

What are you looking for?

Just checking something.

I can't stay.

I have to go back
to the house.

If I stay out,
the police will
know something's wrong.

Can you manage?

All right, phone me
in the morning,
first thing.

Tony's tied up.
I have to go.

(GROANING)
Oh, Jesus!

Wait.

Will you get my dog
to the hospital?

Don't worry.
I'll take care of him.

(WHIMPERING)

And he's not
your dog.

He's my dog.

And if he dies,

(GUN COCKING)

you die as well,
you bad, evil bastard.

It's not my dog.
He's called Pluto
or something.

Right. How much
do vets cost? Here.

Sorry, miss.
You can't just...

Also, watch when
you sew him up

because he's
50% acrylic.

I was only joking
about you and Pluto.

I love you.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

I'm dying.

If you don't get me
to a hospital, I'll die.

You'll be in a hospital
in a couple of hours.

My arm's numb,
my fingers are cold.

I'm freezing cold
all over.

Just a wee bit longer.

"Don't let
the bugs bite."

Remember?
You used to say that.

The time you were ill
and I looked after you.

You remember?

It was you
who made me ill.

(HAIRDRYER WHIRRING)

Brian?

(SOBBING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Who's there?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I could put you
in the jail

or I could lose
a little bit of weight.

(GUN COCKING)

Work on my tan.

Please.

I'll make you very,
very happy.

Please. I'm sorry.

(SNIFFING)

I'd be right in thinking
I can smell blood,
gorgeous?

Blood and shampoo.

Chicks.

(LAUGHS)

I've wanted one
like you all my life.

You're a very
lovely creature.

(DINGING)

(DIALING)

Listen, Dorothy...

AUTOMATED VOICE:
The number called
is switched off.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, shit,
shit, shit.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Back upstairs to bed.

I want you to
have a nice sleep

so that you look
gorgeous for Brian

when he comes back
to get my money.

Sleep tight.

Mr. McMinn.

Mr. McMinn!

These gentlemen
are here to see you.

Then show these gentlemen
into my office, Maureen.

Pluto!

(DOGS BARKING)

Pluto!

Pluto!

My baby. Oh!

Thank you.

Bridges service
station, please.

(GRUNTING)

All right, bitches

I'll drain your blood.

All right, Maureen.

I can't get over it.

The suffering he
must've gone through.

Don't think about it.
He'll be fine.

Makes me sick
to my stomach.

That's a mere pittance.

£2 million.

I'd pay twice this
to catch these fiends.

I know.

Promise me something.

Fifteen minutes
alone with them.

I'll show them what happens
when you fuck
with Ronnie McMinn.

You are confident
this is the best way?

I trust you.

Whenever they tell us
where the drop is,
then we've got them.

The hardest part
of a kidnapping
is picking up the ransom.

That's where
we catch kidnappers
every single time.

Nobody's ever
figured out how

to collect a bag of money
without being followed.

99% are apprehended
at that point.

I'm sorry.

A very peculiar phone call
from some Irish girl
who says that,

"Petula has to get in
that taxi outside

"and the drop,"
whatever that's
supposed to mean

"is the Bridges
service station."

(DIALING)

Hello, Stuart.

The Bridges
service station.

Carrier is en route.

WOMAN OVER PHONE:
The executive
sauna and massage

is open
Monday to Friday

10:00 a.m. to midnight.

Right.

That's the backup
in position.

Okay?

(CAR DOOR OPENS)
HEPBURN: All right,
in you get.

Just hang on, driver.

Honestly,
I don't know if...

Just do exactly
what you're told.

I'll be behind you
every step of the way.

What?

He's my brother.
I've got to be there.

For God's sakes,
this is a very
delicate business.

As you've seen,
everything is up shit creek.
You've got to trust me.

What is going on?

Brian's dead and
that fucker knows it.

I'll show him
what I fucking trust!

Dorothy!

Did you...

I told her,

he looks as if
he should be at home
in his basket.

PETULA: Pluto.

Sit.

Down!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

HEPBURN: Step away
from the dog!

Step away
from the dog!

Run!

You didn't give
the money to the dog?

That's what
you told me to do!

You stupid fucking bitch!

Get off!

Ouch!

(SCREAMING)
(BARKING)

(GROANS)

CID. This is
an official crime scene.

You're officially shut
till I get back.
Understood?

PETULA: Go, Pluto!

Go home.

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit!

Shit, shit, shit...

I really feel
that I have to say

that you're
one of the most

gorgeous creatures
I've ever set eyes on.

Oh, shit!

Here, boy. Is your
daddy home, Pluto?

Looks like you've
got some gear for him.

Your bad dad owes
your Uncle Aidan
big time.

The dog!

What's with your
fucking shoving, pal?

That's a lot of gear
that dog was holding
for...

(GROANING)

(GUN COCKING)

Now, you junkie fuck,
tell me where
the dog lives!

Good dog.

Good dog.

Well done.

Come on.

Tony?

Are you awake?

Shit!

Hold the gun
by the muzzle.

(HEPBURN PANTING)

Now, throw the gun
to me.

Get your hands
in the air. Now!

Is that
Brian McMinn in there?

Is that your hostage?

That's him.

He needs a doctor.

(GUN FIRING)
(WHIMPERING)

Jesus!

It looks like
you've just killed
your hostage,

which is a pretty
fundamental error.

Now, miss,
would you please not stand
in front of the window.

What?
Do as you're told.

Step away from the window
and you won't get hurt.

Come on now.

I'm a detective inspector
with the Eastern District
Regional Constabulary.

You thieving bitch!
That's my golf clubs!

(GUN COCKING)
Oh!

No one fucks
with Ronnie McMinn.

Ronnie...

(CLICKING)

Ronnie, fuck you.

(GRUNTING)

Shit!

Oh, Jesus!

Tony...

(CLICKS)

I saved your
life there, mister.
And I have to tell you

this whole thing
was dreamt up

by that bitch there
and her pal

(GUN FIRES)

No one...

No one...

least of all a fucking
filthy creature like you

or your dimwit pal
fucks with Ronnie...

(SCREAMING) Petula!

McMinn.

(GUN FIRING)

(GUN FIRES)

(EXHALES)

(SHUDDERING)

(GROWLING)

(DOGS BARKING)

What am I going
to do about this?

There's bound
to be some tools
in the boat.

There's not gonna be
any tools in there,
is there?

Shit!

Dorothy, get the bag.

Dorothy, open the bag!

You've nothing smaller
than a £100 note?

No. Sorry.

£2.60.
I didn't charge you

for your funny colored
guide dog or blind pal.

I'll come back
with your change.

No, that's all right.
Keep the money.

It's a present
from Pluto.

PETULA: Dorothy?

DOROTHY: Mmm-hmm?

You know how Pluto's
50% acrylic?

Yeah.

Is that the half
that's pink?

It is.

Really?

So does that
make him
dry-clean only?

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)