Beautiful Creatures (2013) - full transcript

[Man Whispering]
I love you, Dorothy.
[Woman] I know you do, Tony.

[Tony]
You're a totally
gorgeous creature.

[Dorothy Chuckling]
I love you as well.
You know I do, Tony.

Can I get a kiss?
Go on.
[Giggling]

[Kissing, Laughing]

[Tony] Listen, you haven't
seen my new golf clubs
anywhere, have you?

[Dorothy]
What new golf clubs?
I came home with them.

New golf clubs in
a nice big leather golf bag.

I never knew you could
play golf.
I know. I'm like that.

Mysterious kind of guy.
[Chuckling]
[Dorothy] Dead mysterious.

So anyway, you seen them?
My new golf clubs.
Seen what, darling?



When did you learn
to play golf?
That's not really the issue.

You gonna teach me?
Not without a set
of golf clubs, I'm not.

I'm sure I would have
seen them, Tony.
I'm sure you would, too.

That's why I'm telling you,
gorgeous, that when I went
to get them they were gone.

That's so like you...
Losing a whole set
of golf clubs.

No, that's not like me at all.
I haven't lost them, see?

I think maybe you have.
[Dorothy] Darling, I've
no interest in golf whatsoever.

You said you wanted to learn
a minute ago.
Yeah, but I was kidding!

I was just bein'...
I was jokin' with ya.

You mean, you were lying to me?
You're lyin'to me now?
Tony...

Tony, I have no idea.
No, none.
Absolutely none?

So, you wouldn't have
moved the golf clubs?
No.

Or sold the golf clubs?
No, Tony,
I haven't!

Taken them down
to the pawnbrokers
and pawned them for cash?



I've pawned nothing, Tony!
Because that would be
just like you.

Leave me alone.
I've no idea where they are,
or where they went.

So just don't start, okay?
Dorothy, I need
my golf clubs!

Tony, you can't play golf!
If you've moved them,
just tell me!

I know I left them
in the living room.
You were telling me...

you're going to Amsterdam
to play golf.
Never you mind...

But I don't even think
Amsterdam has golf.

What the fuck do you know
about Amsterdam?
Tony,

what in the name of God
do you know about golf?

Listen, you!
I know I left a bag of
golf clubs in the living room,

and they weren't there
when I went to get them.

Now, I want to know...
If you say you left a bag
of clubs in the flat,

then there's bound to be
a bag of clubs in the flat...
You're lyin'!

Shit!

- Fuck!
- Here, that's enough of that.

I'm gonna tear that flat apart,
and see if my golf clubs
aren't there, Dorothy.

I swear to God,
I'm gonna drink your blood.

I'm sorry.
It must be the golf.
It's driven him mad.

I'm awful sorry about that.

Sorry.

Pluto, my boy,
come and see your daddy.

Tony?

[Thumping, Bubbling]
- Tony?

Pluto?

[Whimpering]
- Pluto!

[Dean Martin]
[music] When marimba rhythms
start to play

[Singing Along]
[music] Dance with me
make me sway [music]

[music] Like the lazy ocean
hugs the shore [music]

[music] Hold me close
sway me more [music]

[music] Like a flower
bendin'in the breeze

[music] Bend with me
sway with ease
[Shouting, Indistinct]

[music] When you dance
you have a way with me

It's in the middle of
the fuckin' night!
[music] Stay with me, sway with me

Do you think they care
if it's in the middle of
the fuckin' night over here?

I've got personal things
to attend to!

[music] Given my eyes
will see only you
Screw your responsibility!

[music] Only you have
the magic technique

[music] When you sway
I go weak

[music] I can hear the sound
of violins

[music] Long before [music]
Get in the car!

[music] It beg... [music]
Get in the fuckin' car!

[Dean Martin On Headset]
[music] You thrill as only
you know how [music]

[music] Sway me smooth
sway me now [music] [music]

[Engine Starts]
[music] [music] [Continues, Instrumental]

[Dorothy]
You and me are startin'
a new life this time, Pluto.

No more dealers,
or junkies, or maniacs...

We'll be long gone
before he gets back.

[Whining]
Oh, don't be scared, big boy.

Oh. Don't think this
is gonna come out.

Thank God.

You rotten, shitey bastard, Tony.

Somebody smells nice.

Don't look at me.
[Pluto Panting]

It's the dog.

[Tires Screeching]

Lovely lunatics.
[Barking]

[music] [Woman Singing]

Can you give me an ounce
of rolling tobacco and
a packet of Maltesers?

Excuse me.
When you've a second?

You shouldn't read that
shite, you know, because
it seriously exploits women.

Four twenty-nine, please.

[music] [Continues]

He's taken my money.

[Sighs Deeply]

Look, can I owe ya?
You mean, "Can you exploit me?"

I'll send it to ya in the post.
Not allowed to give credit.

I need a smoke!

I'm on the run from a maniac.
So's my dog.

It's not a very
healthy color,
right enough.

Go on.
I'll sub ya.
Go on!

Go on.
I'll sub ya.
Go on!

[Pluto Barking]

Shut up, Pluto.

Pluto! Oh!

Give me ten seconds
to catch my dog!

Pluto!

...fuckin' pisses me off,
you are goin' nowhere!

- Leave her alone!
- Get off!

- Get the...
[Groans]

You fuckin' bitches!

Get the fuck,
ya fuckin'bitches!

No!
[Groaning]
Come here.

You evil, lyin' bitch. You're mine!
Stop it!

- Brian, stop it, please!
[Screaming, Indistinct]

[Woman]
Ow!

[Brian]
Right, you're goin'nowhere!

[Groaning, Screaming]

You hear me?
I'm going to fuckin'
kill you!

[Screams]
No!

[Woman Panting,
[Choking]

I'll be all right
in a minute.

Get my breath back.

[Inhaling]
You just get sick
listenin' to all that...

"I'm gonna fuckin'
kill you" stuff.

Hmm. Mm.

Right. I'll help ya get him
in the car.

What for?
So you can drive him home.

Call the police.
I can't drive.

And I'm not calling the police.
He's my boyfriend.

[Groaning]

[Dorothy]
I want you gone
as soon as he wakes up.

If I was you,
I'd dump him here.

[Woman] I can't dump him
here. I'd lose my home
and my job and everything.

How?
'Cause I work for his big brother.

[Dorothy]
Fuck, he's heavy, isn't he?

[Grunting, Panting]

[Woman] I think Brian's
maybe going to be sick again.
[Dorothy] Round to the left.

[Woman]
Quick!
[Brian Retching]

[Woman Groaning]
[Dorothy]
Ah, shit!

Let's put him in the bath
in case he throws up
over anything else.

[Woman] I've never seen
a pink and white dog before.

He's half part pedigree.
Half part acrylic.
Really?

Never heard of them.

[Crinkling Sound]

You know of anything
I could use as a roach?

Don't make yourself
too comfy, flower. I didn't
invite you back for a party.

I'm sorry.

I'm just still a bit shaky,
and it'll help calm me down.

Okay. Have a scrounge
in my rucksack.

There's bound
to be somethin'.

Fancy a cup of tea?

Yeah.

Here.

[Exhales]
I'm Petula, by the way.

[Inhaling]

Nice grass.

You missed your bus.

Petula.

[Continues Laughing]

[Laughs]

[Sobbing]

Are you okay?

[Sobbing Continues]

It's okay.
It's just the cold.

It's only when we have
too much to drink.

It's silly.

It was my own
fault tonight.

'Cause he caught me
going through his desk.

[Sighing]
I was looking
for my passport.

I wanted to visit
my mum.

She's moved to Majorca.

Why does he
keep your passport?

Why?

Because he loves me.

What do you think?

I had it like that once.
Do you think
Brian will like it?

Oh, go on.
Trust me.

It'll really suit ya.

Nice surprise
when he wakes up.

[Grunting, Sighing]

[Whimpering]

[Mumbling, Shouting]
[Barking]

[Clattering]

Is he okay?
Brian?

Brian?
A-Are you okay?

Brian?
Say something.

[Pluto Barking]

Fick mich!
Fick mich!

Fick mich
in meinen Arsch!

What is the matter with him?
Is he German?

Brian, Brian, stop it!
Stop it!

Shut up, Pluto!

[Sighing Deeply]
Brian? Brian.

Brian, I'm sorry.
[Laughing]
Is he kiddin'?

Brian, please.
I'm sorry.

- Just slap his face, gently.
- Brian, come on, now. I'm really sorry.

Just give his face
a gentle, wee slap.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.

- Don't be angry.
- That's what you do to wake them up.

[Sobbing]
He's dead.

[Sobbing]

He's dead!
Brian's dead!

Okay. Okay.
Out of my road!
Get out of my road!

[Dorothy]
Dear God.

[Seagulls Crying]

[Dorothy] Will the police
be able to tell I bashed
his head in with scaffoldin'?

'Cause I didn't mean to kill him.
I know.

I was tryin' to stop him killin' you.
I know.

I mean, you wouldn't
have lasted another minute.

The way he was chokin' you
and whackin' your head.

Petula...

I'll have to spend
years of my life
in a jail cell,

all by myself.

I mean, that's not fair!

I was only tryin' to help.

I don't even know the guy.

I was only...
t-tryin' to...

What if we make
an anonymous phone call
and then disappear?

Well, we can't, because
I haven't got a phone.

I know, but if we
don't say who we are...
But I haven't got a phone.

I know, but then
they won't be able
to trace the call.

I haven't got a phone, okay?
There isn't a phone.
We don't have a phone.

[Cell Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

[Cell Phone
Continues Ringing]

[Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

Look, you have to go to work.
I helped you, so you
have to help me.

Now, before you're late,
as though everything
is hunky-dory.

[Line Ringing]
[Bell Dinging]

[Grunting]

Petula, wait.

You can't go yet.
Take off your coat.

Phone me on Brian's phone.
Two rings, then hang up.

Then ring again immediately,
so I know it's you.

Thanks for coming
to help me.

Last night.
[Children Playing]

Mm.

Oh, listen!
You have to give me
some money.

Oh. Right.
Yeah, of course.

Um, how much do you
normally charge?

What? No.
[Chuckling]
Not for the haircut.

I want to get Tony's golf clubs
out of the pawnshop.

Then if he comes back I can
send him packing, so he won't
turn the place upside down...

and accidentally stumble
across your dead boyfriend.

[Barking]

[Man]
Where's Brian?

Where... is... Brian?

He's, um...
I don't actually know
where he is.

Good morning.

Your Brian back on
the drink again?
[Chuckles]

Then let's just pray
His Lordship's met with...

a particularly
horrible accident.
Hmm.

[Phone Ringing]
Petula!

Yes, Mr. McMinn.
[Indistinct Muttering]

I see.
Uh-huh.

[Muttering]
Oh, right.

Yes, I'll start with
the Eastern General.

[Hanging Up Receiver]
The police have found
Brian's car abandoned.

Mr. McMinn wants me to
phone round the hospitals.

Oh, I am so sorry...
That's all right, Sheena.
He'll be just...

lying in a heap
somewhere.

[Phone Ringing]

[Rings, Line Clicks]
- Dorothy, they found
the car abandoned,

and there's a policeman
coming to see me
in the morning...

if Brian doesn't show.
Petula. Do you know
Northcraigs Beach?

Mm-hmm.
I will meet you at
the coffee stall at 6:30.

Well?

The... hospital people
have no idea about anything
to do with Brian,

Mr. McMinn.

No. No, that's terrific.

We were just a bit curious
if you knew whether he'd had
an accident or something,

or... died.

Uh, we've had no admissions
of that name. Or fitting
that description.

[Sighs]
Oh, good.

Well, good-bye, then, and
thank you for being so...

helpful and informative.

They've not had any
admissions fitting that name
or that description.

- Was he with you last night?
- Early on he was. Then...

later on... he wasn't.

Now, this is called
a decapod crustacean.

That's a lobster.
Nature uses 'em
to clean dead bodies.

Them and shrimps get
all the drowned flesh
off the bones.

What was the name of
that fish I showed you?

A halibut.
That's right. Fishermen like
halibut 'cause of their shapes.

Fishermen like to make them
their girlfriends, even though
their body temperature's...

much lower than
a proper girlfriend...
usually, that is.

Sandy?
Sandy, come here.
Come away.

Dorothy, I've
brought you something.
I've bought you a coffee.

Your stuff's
covered in paint.

What? Oh.
Lovely.

Thanks.
Thanks.

We've got to shift him, Petula.
Where?

Well, somewhere it'd look okay
that nobody'd find him
straightaway.

Right.
Somewhere he might have gone
without takin' you.

Where he could fall,
bang his head, and die
without us doin' it.

His boat.
He's got a boat?

That's his secret hideaway.
It's where he goes...

if he wants to
hide what he's up to
from his big brother.

We could just drop him
down the hatch, and it
would look like he fell.

Traditionally,
they're very dangerous
things, hatches.

How do we get him to the boat?
In a car.

You told me you couldn't drive.
I can't.

Brian was giving me lessons.
[Chuckles]

At least he was screaming
filthy abuse at me and
punching me in an old Saab.

[Seagulls Crying]

[Remote Clicking]
- Oh! Fick mich! Fick mich!
Fick mich in meinen Arsch.

Ja!
[Continues In German]

Mach schneller!
Schneller!

- Fick mich! Aah!
[Man Grunting]

Pluto, tea time.
Come on.

Pluto, tea time.
Come on.

What have you got?

Hmm?

Give it to me.
Ah, Pluto, give.

[Screaming]

Fuck!

Oh, my God.
[Whining]

That is very,
very, very bad.

[music] [Pop]

[music] Oh, I cried last night

[music] How I cried last night

[music] For I knew the warning
you had given me last night

[music] Now it's over

[music] Yes, it's over

[music] And my tears are all too late
[Ringing]

[music] I don't sleep now
- Brian?

Is that you?
It's me!

I know. I didn't
really think it was him.

I just thought you might
be somebody checking.

Just, uh...

I just wanted
to see if you were...

all right...
I mean, you and-and...

I want to say thank you
for... everythin'.

Don't be silly.
Don't...

You're welcome.
Go to sleep.

Night-night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bugs bite.
[Laughs]
You too.

Sleep tight.

[Line Clicks]

Don't let the bugs bite.

[music] I still love you
But I've only

[music] Learned it's over

[music] [Birds Twittering]

[Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

Morning, Miss Peploe.
Detective Inspector Hepburn,
Eastern and District C.I.D.

Hello, Inspect...
Detector.
George is okay.

[Laughs]
I'm Petula.

Sorry, I didn't
sleep very well.

Come in, please.
Sorry I'm not up.

Oops. Sorry.

Please.
Allow me.

Would you mind waiting here
a minute, till I'm dressed?

Of course.

You going into work?
Uh-huh.
I have to.

They won't mind
if I'm late, though.

Who won't mind?
Ronnie McMinn?

Big softie, isn't he?

You a friend of his?
There's no such thing as friends
on a golf course, I'm afraid.

So, Petula, you work
for Brian McMinn?

Well, I work for
his big brother, technically.

Uh-huh. And how long
have you been living
with Brian?

- Ayear.
- And how long have you worked
for the firm?

About...
About a week longer than
we've been living together.

Ah, love at first sight, eh?

Oh, absolutely.
It really was very much,
and completely that.

Well, first, I should ask you:
Have you any idea where
your boyfriend might be?

None.

And you last saw him?
Tuesday night.

We'd been for dinner.
We came home,

Brian sat up drinking,
and I went to bed.

[Chuckles]
I suppose I just
drank too much.

I didn't so much
go to bed as crash.

Was Mr. McMinn in
a similar condition?

He was, probably.
I mean, I was only
drinking Sea Breezes.

So you got the bruise from
walking into something while
you yourself were inebriated?

Not from getting
punched by Brian?
What is that supposed to mean?

I'm a Detective Inspector,
Petula. Do you know what
a Detective Inspector does?

This is one of those
police questions you're supposed
to say no to, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

You see, what
a Detective Inspector does
is, he... detects things.

And then, when he's
successfully detected them,
he inspects them,

in order to establish whether
there was any point in detecting
them in the first place.

Mm-hmm.
And from
where I'm standing,

I can detect some bruising
around your cheekbone,
consistent with a blow.

And discoloration
around your neck, consistent
with an attempted throttling.

I'm not being too personal,
am I, Petula?

Now, do you have
other men in your life,

or does Brian get violent
when he drinks too much?

He doesn't!

I don't have any other
men in my life, no.

So, either lover boy
hit you and stormed out
in a raging temper,

or...
you've killed him
and hidden his body.

That...
is just utterly...

and completely ridiculous!
What is?

That I've killed him
and hidden his body,
for goodness' sake!

I know. I was being
facetious in an attempt
to stop you getting upset.

Well, even joking
you shouldn't say.

I mean, how would
you feel if your wife
had just disappeared?

I'm not married.
And neither are you, Petula.

All I'm saying is that
what you're saying
isn't such a thing...

you should make
facetious remarks about,
because it could be...

one of the sort of things
that people get upset by.

[Screams]
Oh, my God!

[Sniffing]

Stuart, uh, I've got
a wee bit of a situation
developing here.

Ah, that's right,
the missing persons.

Anybody needs me,
I'll be back in the office
after lunch. All right?

Could you look
at that again, Petula?

I'm okay now, I think.
[Gasping]

It's Brian's ring.
Was he wearing it
when you last saw him?

Yes.
He wears it all the time.

It's stuck. Well,
he says he'll never get
the bloody thing o...

off.

That's Brian's
mobile phone.

What, are you up
to trying it now?
Oh... Oh, no, I don't...

I mean...
God, do I have to?

Petula, we have to know
a few things quickly.

We have to know what
Brian's state of health is,
whether or not this is a hoax...

And we have to...
You have to make sure...

that if there is
a real problem here,

that we don't jeopardize
Mr. McMinn's well-being
by our actions.

Am I being clear?

[Receiver Beeping]

[Line Ringing]

[Hanging Up Receiver]
What's the matter?

Are you not okay?
Um, I don't know
what I'm going to say.

Well, find out
what they want.
They'll tell ya.

[Receiver Beeping]

[Line Ringing]

[Cell Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues,
Line Picks Up]

[Petula]
Hello?

Hello, Petula. If Brian's
brother wants Brian back,

he's going to have to
pay money for him.

Um, they know my name.

Right. Ask 'em
what they want.

They want money.
How much money
do they want?

- How much money do you want?
- You're the one who works there.

What's a reasonable sum?

I mean, how much is he worth?

How much can Ronnie McMinn
get his hands on?

I don't, um...
I don't know
what you mean.

- How much?
- Petula?

He's dead now,
and we killed him.

So... if we could
get away from here,
forever...

Huh?

I can't think of anything else
to say. Brian is dead.

You're all alone.
It's just you and me.

Help me.

You want...
exactly...

one million pounds,
cash.

No! A real number!
A serious number.
Not a bloody imaginary...

[Dorothy Continues,
Indistinct]
One million pounds, or...

Ronnie McMinn will get
his brother's head...

in a green nylon knapsack
all tied up with a ribbon...

through the post.

Bloody hell.

Tell them you
have to speak to Brian.

Hello?
I...

have to speak to Brian.
[Whispering]
To know that he's all right.

To know that
he's all right.

We can't bring him
to the phone.

[Whispering]
They can't bring him
to the phone.

Then how do we know that
they haven't already
decapitated Mr. McMinn?

- Um...
- Ask him something.

Who?
Brian. Ask me
to ask Brian a question.

- I have to ask him something.
- What?

What do you want me
to ask him?

Something only you
and Brian both know.

Something only me
and Brian both know.

All right.
On you go.

Um, ask him...

Um, tell him to...
Tell...

Oh, God, I can't think
of what to ask!

Tell them to ask Brian
to tell you...

when and where
you and him last made love.

When and where
did Brian and me...

[Breathing Deeply]
- Last make love?

Half an hour ago,
up the bottom.

[Gasps]
That is precisely...

one hundred percent
spot on!

[Dorothy Laughing]

You're not contemplatin'
somethin' silly here,
are you, hen?

It's a favorite spot,
you know.

It's love...
lovely.

Ah, it's not lovely
when you're fishin' them
out of the water.

Away home
and take an overdose.

They've hung up.

Did they answer
the question?

Did they answer
the question?

What did they say?

Oh. They said,
on the leather couch
in his office.

Tuesday, lunch time.
Twice.

And, would
that be correct?

Then I have to say that
I think Mr. McMinn...

is a very, very
lucky man, Petula,

because obviously...

Obviously he hasn't
had his head cut off.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I thought that you meant...
- You've had a massive shock.

Now, let me ask you
before I go.

Do you have an easily
accessible back entrance
I can make use of?

[Toilet Flushing]

[Hepburn] Dave,
have you seen Neil Mclndoe?

Who's Neil Mclndoe?
Regional pathologist.

Big ugly fucker.
No taste in clothes.
Bad personal hygiene.

I got ya.
In the canteen.

Reason I didn't know who
you meant was, everybody
calls him "Dog Breath."

Fuck me.

You're not eating that
swill out of choice,
are you, Neil?

Detective Inspector Hepburn.
How's the golf, George?

Be a lot better if some fucker
hadn't ripped off my clubs
out the back of my car.

The reason I come here
to eat this swill is so
I can enjoy my lunch...

without being surrounded
by body parts.

I thought pathologists
had no feelings.
That's a myth.

Like, "all pathologists
have bad breath."

Where is your finger from?

You tell me.
Off a dead person,
or a live one?

Obviously dead.

If you cut a finger
from somebody that's alive,
that finger will exsanguinate.

All the blood
will drain from it.

You cut that finger from
a corpse, the blood inside
is already semi-coagulated.

That's what I thought.
Somebody playing
practical silly fuckers?

Oh, some medical student,
no doubt. They're such
scum, those fuckers.

[Bottle Making
Gaseous Noise]

This is Brian's finger.

- You recognize the ring?
- I know my own flesh, George.

Does this mean
he's alive?

On balance, Ronnie...

All things taken
into account,
and after...

after listening
to expert advice,
I can say...

absolutely.

He was alive when
it was cut off.

The girl's spoken to him.
If they hadn't killed him by
then, they won't kill him now.

Oh!
Uh, what are you, uh...
Sorry, I have to keep that.

I'm going to see
it's returned to my brother.

Not now, later.
I have to keep it in custody
for the time being.

Custody?
I mean, in-in...
as evidence.

Don't! Uh, don't.
Sorry, Ronnie. Please.

Don't touch that.
I haven't had time
to have it dusted yet.

For fingerprints?

I'm sorry, Ronnie, but
I have to ask you...
one question.

Just to get
the possibility
out of the way.

And this is, uh, this
is simply to eliminate
a line of inquiry.

George, ask me.

There's no possibility,
is there, that Brian...

would be so hard up for
money that he would sacrifice
one of his own fingers...

in an attempt to
inveigle funds out of
his big brother?

Ronnie?
[Laughs]

You don't have to ask me.
Right.

We proceed in the light
of this being a bona fide
kidnapping and extortion.

They want precisely
two million pounds.

All right, then.
I'll meet you about
7:00 tonight.

And, listen,
can you drive?
So, that's it, then.

Sorry, what do you mean,
that's what?

That's the famous couch
where it all happened.
Tuesday lunch time.

Twice.

[Door Screeching,
Clanking]

[Motor Rumbling]

[Ronnie Sighs]

Does Brian think he can
still keep you happy...

with only nine fingers,
Petula?

[Elevator Clattering,
Rumbling]
What?

Still, that's a lot of money
for a wee bit of your body.
Hmm?

Isn't it? Eh?

Which bit of your body...
is worth the most
to you, Petula?

Mr. McMinn...

Those are lovely lips.
[Elevator Stalls]

[Elevator Restarts]

[Sighs]
My wee brother was still alive
when his finger was cut off him.

Can you imagine how...
sore that must have been,

chopping through bone
and gristle...

and tender flesh?

[Scoffs]
Brian's too soft
for any of that.

Isn't he, Petula?
I...

I don't know what
you're talking about.

[Laughing]

You didn't do it for him.

Did you, Petula?

Because, if I thought...
[Elevator Banging]

Well...
[Elevator Dinging]

You could kiss
those lovely lips good-bye.

[Door Squeaking Open]

And I wouldn't stop there...

Petula.

Any messages
for me, Stuart?

Somebody called Ronnie
McMinn phoned this morning.
Got his number.

Just a pal, looking
for a game of golf.

Any luck with your clubs?
What do you expect?

The police are
a bunch of worthless,
skivin' assholes.

What about your
missing persons?

Fucked off in a drunken huff
and left his missus.
How? Is she a dog?

[Chuckles]
Stuart, my son, she is
a total fuckin' dog.

Can't blame the poor fucker.

Or maybe he topped himself
having to gaze at her ugly mug
while trying to digest food.

[Laughing]

[Petula]
Clutch, accelerator, brake. No.

Brake, accelerator, clutch.
Surely.

[Sighs]
Neutral.

"Always make sure your vehicle
is in neutral...

"before you start
your engine, Petula.

Or I will punch
your fucking lights out."

"Mirror, signal, maneuver."

Now, what the fuck
was that about?

[Dorothy Screaming]
Oh! Oh, Petula!

Petula, slow down, slow down!
Oh, my God! Oh, God!

[Dorothy]
We'll bring Brian's body here
after it gets dark.

[Petula] We can make it look
like the kidnappers held him
here and tortured him...

for days and days and days
before they killed him.

You have a very brilliant
criminal mind.
Dorothy, what are you doing?

Well, torturers
don't tidy up, Petula.

The place should be a complete
smelly tip wreaking of lager.
Right!

Also, we should get
some Chinese take-aways
and chuck them all around.

And also we should get
some filthy socks and pants
and shite of Tony's...

'cause I bet you a million
pounds kidnappers' pants smell
just like Tony's pants.

[Both Laughing]

[Television: Woman Moaning]

[Woman Speaking German]

Fick mich in meinen Arsch.
[Moaning Continues]

Fick mich in meinen Arsch,
Petula.
What?

Are you judging me?
No, I'm not judging you.

If I was judging you,
you'd be in jail for murder,
kidnapping, torture.

So?
Dorothy, that is
totally gross.

You get off me, you monster!
Gonna sniff my cheesy
grunties, flower?

Gonna suck mein socks
and fick meinen Arsch?
[Laughing]

Come on, that's disgusting!

I'm going for a pee.

Pluto, get out!

Bloody hell,
that can't be pleasant.

I mean, that is as thick
as a baby's arm.

Would you let
a baby do that to you
with its arm?

Petula, get away from there!

Fuck!

Oh, fuck.

Is that... somebody we know
out there, Dorothy?

Eh?

Eh, who's the fucking stiff,
Dot?

Tony, that's, uh,
Petula's boyfriend.

He was in an accident.

And it's got nothing
to do with you, Tony,
so just don't start!

Okay?
Don't start!
Petula?

You've got to be kidding.

Right. I want
my golf clubs, you.

Is this what
you're looking for,
you evil bastard?

Get out, Tony,
or I'll stab you.
I honestly will.

Where'd you get
one of them, doll?
Jesus.

Listen, Dorothy, I'm not well.
I'm sick, doll.

I didn't know
that was in there, darling.
Don't get upset at me.

There's something in my golf bag
I need, Dorothy.

Make me feel better, doll.

I'm feelin' shite.

And then I'll be out of here.
You know me, babe.

I'll get my gear and mellow out
and vamoose, babe.

You get it,
and you get out.

See.

My stash, doll. And my works...
'cause I need my stash, eh?

And I need... my gun.

Now what the fuck
is fucking going on here, eh?

I'm askin' you right now!

What the fuck were you doin'
with my underpants, eh?

Now there's no way
you could describe these
as cheesy.

These are as fresh
as a newborn daisy.
Oh, Pluto.

My baby.
Come to bed.

Pluto, no.
No!

[Barking]
Pluto!

Now put that knife down,
or I'll shoot Scooby Doo here...

right in the middle
of his face, eh?

So what's
the score then, eh?

Who's the poor bastard
out in the cold?

He's my boyfriend.
Who killed him?

Well, he was beating me up
and-and Dorothy came past
and rescued me.

Nobody meant
to kill anybody, Tony.

Oh! Oh, and that makes it
okay then, does it?

Some poor fucker goes down
that fucking tunnel,

and it's okay by you pair
'cause it was only an accident.

So how come he's not buried
in a grave in a fucking cemetery
if it's all so hunky-dory?

Look, we were going to phone
the authorities.

Don't you patronize me, Petula.
I'll cut your face off.

He'd been kidnapped.
I heard you just now.

So how much is
your stiff worth, eh?

If you lie to me,
I'll hurt the dog really badly.

Tony, it's not...
A million pounds.

You're kidding?

Well, well, well.
[Chuckling]

That's enough for
all three of us to play with,
isn't it, girls?

Now, then,

come and sit down
next to me, Dorothy,
come on.

And hit me with some of that...

really fabby gear
out of my golf bag.

Your friend is gorgeous,
by the way, Dorothy.

Have you pair got
a wee thing going, huh?

That'd be rather,
[Moaning]
Rather nice.

[Continues Moaning]

Do yourself.
No, Tony, please.
Tony, you know...

Do yourself...

or I'll shoot my dog
in the face with my golf gun.

Look at her, Petula.
A former connoisseur.

The good old days,
eh, Dorothy?

Now let me be frank
with you, Petula.
I'm not interested in money.

There's other things I need
much more than money.
That right, Dot? Here.

Now,

I want you to take off
your tights...

and tie young Dorothy's hands
behind her back.

Now, Petula, I want you
to take off your pants.

Why?

'Cause I'm gonna fuck you,
gorgeous.

Then you and I are gonna watch
while Scooby Doo fucks Dorothy.

[Moaning]

[Grunting]

[Screams]
[Pluto Barking]

[Whimpering]

You bastard!
[Screams]

I'm gonna fucking kill you.
You bastard!

[Glass Shattering]
[Dog Barking]

One, two, three.

[Cell Phone Ringing]
[Groaning]

- Leave it.
[Ringing Continues]

- Still here, boss?
- Have you got the keys
for the secure room?

- Why? What are you
looking for?
- Just checking something.

I can't stay.
I have to go back
to the house.

If I stay out,
the police will know
something's wrong.

Can you manage?

Right. Phone me
in the morning,
first thing.

Right.
Tony's tied up now.
I have to go.

Oh, Jesus!
Petula, wait.

Get my dog
to the hospital.

Don't worry,
I'll take care of him.

[Whimpering]

And he's not your dog,
he's my dog.

And if he dies,
[Cocks Gun]

You die as well,
you bad, evil bastard.

It's not my dog.
He's called, uh, Pluto
or-or something.

Um, right.
How much...

How much do vets cost?
Here.

Sorry, miss!
Look, you can't just...
Also, watch when you sew him up,

because he's 50% acrylic.

I was only joking
about you and Pluto.

I love you, Dorothy.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

I'm dying, Dorothy.

If you don't get me
to a hospital, I'll die.

Tony, you'll be
in a hospital
in a couple of hours.

My arm's numb,
fingers are cold.

I'm freezing cold
all over.

Just a wee while longer.

Don't let the bugs bite.

Remember?
I used to say that...

time you were ill,
and I looked after you.

You remember?

It was you
who made me ill, Tony.

[music] I don't want a lover

[music] I just need a friend

[music] I don't want a lover

[music] I just need a friend

[music] You can't just leave me

[music] To face life on my own

[music] I know you don't love me
no more

[music] I knew this day'd come

[music] Even when it cuts so deep

[music] It's true I still want you

[music] But the harder I try

[music] The more I seem to lose

[music] I don't want a lover

[music] I just need a friend

[music] I've had time to recover

[music] Now that I know
it wasn't love

[music] It's always
a different story

[music] When it's me
who's in the wrong

[music] But you can't have it all

[music] 'Cause I'm the one
who's strong

[music] I've already been
burnt before

[music] Once but never again

[music] I know the time will come

[music] That's when
you'll need me there

[music] I don't want a lover

Brian?
[music] I just need a friend

[music] I've had time to recover

[music] Now that I know
it wasn't love

[music] I don't want a lover

[music] I just need a friend

[music] I just need a friend

[music] I know you never cared

[music] Now that I know
it wasn't love

[Footsteps]

Who's there?

I could put you
in the jail, Petula.

Or, I could lose
a little bit of weight,

work on my tan.

Please.

And make you
very, very happy.

Please, I'm sorry.

Would I be right in thinking
I can smell blood, gorgeous?

Mm.

Blood and shampoo.

Chicks.
[Laughing]

I've wanted one like you
all my life, Petula.

You're a very
lovely creature.

[Thunder Rumbling]

Listen, Dorothy...
The mobile phone you have
called is switched off.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit!
[Thunder Rumbling]

[Screaming]

Back upstairs to bed,
Petula.

I want you to have a nice sleep
so that you look gorgeous
for Brian...

when he comes back
to get my money.

Sleep tight.

[Thunder Rumbling]

Ah, Mr. McMinn.
Mr. McMinn!

These gentlemen are here
to see you.
Then show these gentlemen...

into my office, Maureen!

Pluto!

[Dogs Barking]

Pluto! Pluto!

My baby. Oh!
Thank you.

Bridges Service Station,
please.

[Groaning]

Bitches.
I'll drink your blood.

All right, Maureen.

I can't get over it, George.
The suffering he must have
gone through.

Don't think about it, Ronnie.
He'll be fine.

Makes me sick
to my stomach.

That's a mere pittance.
Two million pounds.

George, I'd pay twice this
to catch these fiends.

I know, Ronnie.
I know.

I want you
to promise me something.

Fifteen minutes alone
with them.

Show them what happens
when you fuck
with Ronnie McMinn.

You are confident
this is the best way, George?
I trust you on this one.

Whenever they tell us
where the drop is, Ronnie,
then I've got them.

See, the hardest part
of a kidnapping is
picking up the ransom.

That's where we catch
the kidnappers
every single time.

Nobody's ever clever enough to
figure out how you collect a bag
of money without being followed.

Ninety-nine percent
are apprehended at that point.

I'm sorry, Mr. McMinn,
a very peculiar phone call...

from some Irish girl who says
that Petula has to get in
that taxi outside,

and the drop, whatever
that's supposed to mean,

is the Bridges Service Station.
[Dialing Numbers]

Hello, Stuart?
Yeah.

The Bridges Service Station.
Carrier is en route.

Fingertips Executive
Sauna and Massage is open
Monday to Friday,

10:00 a.m. till 11:00 p.m.
Right!

That's the backup
in position.

Okay?

Right, in you get.

Just hang on, driver.

Honestly, I don't know
if I should...
Do exactly what you're told.

I'll be behind you
every step of the way.

Ronnie, what?
He's my brother, George.
I've got to be there.

Ronnie, for God's sake, this is
a very delicate business.

If you're seen,
everything's up shit creek.
Now, you've got to trust me!

What is going on, Mr. McMinn?
Brian's dead,
and that fucker knows it.

I'll show him
what I fucking trust!

Dorothy!

I... Did you...
I told her.

He looks as if
he should be home
in his basket.

Pluto.

Sit, sit.

Pluto, down!
Down!

- Good boy, good boy.
[Tires Screeching]

Step away from the dog!
Step away from the dog!

Run, run, run, run,
run, run, run!

Tell me you never gave
a million pounds to that dog!
That's what you told me to do!

You told me to do
what you said!
You stupid fucking bitch!

Get off!
Get off me!

Get... Ouch!
Ow!

[Barking]
- Oh, shit!

C.I.D. This is
an official crime scene.

You're officially shut
till I get back!
Understood?

[Petula]
Go, Pluto, go!

Go!

Go home!

Oh, shit!

Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit!

Shit, shit, shit!

[music] The look of love

[music] Is in your eyes

[music] A look

[music] Your heart can't disguise

I really feel
I have to say that...

you're one of the most
gorgeous creatures I've ever
set eyes on in my life.

Oh, shit!

Hey, Pluto!
Here, boy!

Is your daddy home, Pluto?
What is that? You got
some gear for him, boy?

Because your bad dad owes
your uncle Aidan big time!
What happened to your head?

The dog!
What's with
the fucking shoving, pal!

That's a lot of gear
that dog was holding
for my china.

Right, you junkie fuck!
Tell me where the dog lives!

Pluto!

Come here!
Good boy!

Well done.
Come on.

Tony?
Are you awake, Tony?

Shit.

Hold the gun
by the muzzle.
[Panting]

Now, throw the gun to me.

Get your hands in the air.
Now!

Is that Brian McMinn in there?
Is that your hostage?

That's him.
[Stammering]
He needs a doctor.

Jesus.
[Gunshots Continue]

Looks like you've just killed
your hostage,

which is a...
pretty fundamental error.

Now, miss,
would you please not stand
in front of the window.

What?
Do as you're told.

Step away from the window,
and you won't get hurt.
Come on now!

I'm a detective inspector
with the Eastern and District
Regional Constabulary.

Thieving bitch!
That's my golf clubs!

[Gasping]

No one fucks
with Ronnie McMinn.

Ronnie.
[Clicks]

[Clicks]

[Clicking]

Ronnie, fuck you!

[Groaning]
- Shit!

- Oh, Jesus!
[Panting]

Tony.

[Gun Clicks]
Hey, I saved your life there,
mister.

And I have to tell you,
this whole thing...

was dreamt up
by that bitch there
and her pal.

No one... No one,

least of all a fucking filthy
creature like you...

or your dimwit pal,

fucks with Ronnie...
Petula!

[Continues Screaming]

McMinn.

[music] Small town girl goes west
'cause she thinks it's
the only way to stay alive

[music] Now she knows best
the who's who and who's not

[music] Who's hot
and who's the more fly

[music] [Continues]
What am I going to do
about this?

There's bound to be some tools
in the boot.

Oh, there's not gonna be
any tools in there, is there?

Shit!
Dorothy, get the bag!

There's not gonna...
Dorothy, open the bag!

[music] There she goes again
Slippin'and slidin'
duckin'and divin'

[music] There she goes again

[music] Tryin'all the new stuff
tryin'to be fly

[music] There she goes again

[music] Slippin'and slidin'
duckin'and divin'
There she goes again

- Got nothing smaller
than a hundred?
- No, sorry.

Two sixty.

I haven't charged you
for your funny colored guide dog
or your blind pal.

- I'll need to come back
with your change, hen.
- No, that's all right.

Keep the money.
It's a present from Pluto.

[music] All decked out
in her designer clothes

[music] 'Cause she's shootin'
from the hip
with a credit card

[music] Everybody thinks
she's a bittle lit old

[music] But you can't take long
on an eyesore

[music] Drivin'in a Beamer
with the top down

[music] Sunset queen in a big town

[music] If you don't pay
she'll go out of your way

[music] Yeah, you don't want her
hangin'around

[music] Now, a stick and stone
may break the bone

[music] But it don't quench the fire

[music] I wonder what
she's looking for tonight

[music] There she goes again

[music] Slippin'and slidin'
duckin'and divin'

Dorothy?
Mm-hmm?

You know how Pluto's
50% acrylic?
Yeah?

Is that the half
that's pink?
It is.

Really?

So does that make him
dry-clean only?