Beanstalk (1994) - full transcript

A young boy finds a crate of green beans. When they're planted, they grow a beanstalk to the clouds, where a castle of giants are habited.

(celestial chiming music)

(moves into upbeat orchestral music)

(gentle dramatic music)

- Hi-yah!

Hi-yah ha!



In ancient Samaria they cut off the toes

of those who are caught breaking and entering.

- But the men, they just wanna know what you're digging for.

- Oh!

Something's definitely down there.

It's bigger than any dinosaur, but its skeleton structure

is far too mammalian for it to be a dragon.

- A dragon?

- Mm-hmm.

And the lack of pictogram formations in the area

would make it highly unlikely

that this creature is of extraterrestrial origin.

- Extraterrestrial?

You're crazy!

Wrap it up and get the net, we were right,

Doc Winston's certifiable, she thinks we're looking

for Bigfoot or something.

- Wait!

You can't stop now.

We're about to discover something

that's never been seen before.

It's the find I've been waiting for all my life.

It'll prove my theories are correct.

- What theories that the Loch Ness Monster surfs?

Look lady, you don't know what you have here.

Come on, guys.

- Wait, I found something!

- [Construction Worker] Yeah, what'd you find lady?

(dramatic chiming music)

- What you've got is the makings for a great pot of chili.

Bon appetit Professor.

(laughing out loud)

Come on, guys.

(loud crashing sound)

- Great heavens!

Humongo Sapiens.

(upbeat orchestral music)

- Man, are my muscles tired.

That's what I get for not eating my vegetables I guess.

Wait a minute, I just thought of something.

Big idea number 957.

Sugar frosted veggies.


Yes, um, and caramel cauliflower,

chocolate covered broccoli and marshmallow spinach.

It's brilliant, I love it.

Hey, Mr. Ladd.

- Hey Jack. - How you doing?

- Stop don't move.

- Oh, what's going on?

(cricket stridulating)

- You almost stepped on a cricket.

Are you okay little fella?

Here you go.

So, how's your mom Jack?

- She's okay, she's working double shifts.

- Oh jiminy, I wish I could say that!

Business is real slow.

- Yeah.

- I might have to close up shop around here

if something doesn't change.

- I'm sorry.

- And you know I can't lie to you.

- What?

- Your idea of putting in a drive-through,

didn't help either.

- Are you serious?

I mean, it worked for fast food

it should have worked for your Five and Dine, right?

What can you do?

Oh, wait a minute, I got another idea for you.

Pet insects.


- Hey. - Yeah?

That's not a bad idea. - Great.

- They might sell better than ant farms.


- What?

What is it you?

Where are you?

(graceful music)

- Really big note to myself,

don't be a geek around Lonnie, okay?

Hi, Lonnie.

- Hi, Jack. - Hi.

- My, what a big box you have!

- Oh, I'm taking these family heirlooms

to the pawn shop to get some money.

My mom's running short on our house payments.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

- No, no, it's okay man.

I'll have tons of mulla in no time,

just as soon as I come up with my big idea.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, you know, like with just one really big idea

you can become a zillionaire.

All you have to do is start your own network like MTV,

or invent something really cool

like those sticky rollers to pick up lint.

Get it?

It's all right.

Okay, I got an idea for you, celebrity kickboxing.

What do you think?

- I don't know.

- Okay, so that one needs a little work, okay I admit,

but I have billions of other ideas

and I put them on my tape so my head doesn't explode.

- Let me listen to some.

- Sure.

(tape recorder rewinding)

- [Jack Voiceover] Really big note to myself,

don't be a geek around Lonnie, okay?

- Hey, that's a brilliant idea.

- I'm serious, I have some killer schemes on here.

I even solved the world's housing shortage.

Get this, industrial size Legos.

No, it's brilliant.

- Hey, dopey.

You spilled cherry freeze on my report card.

- So, I did you a favor,

now you don't have of the show it to your parents.

Let's shake and call it even.

- I got straight A's you Smurf.

- Here I thought your IQ matched your underwear size tubby.

- To be or not to be?

That's the question you should be asking yourself

you little freak.

What's in here?

- Hey, come on, that stuff is valuable Danny.

Stop, that's China.

Stop it, you're gonna break it.

- I wonder if cows can fly.

- Oh no!


- I'm gonna kill you!

- Oh, hey mom, I didn't think you'd be home.

- I raced home between shifts,

so we can have dinner together sweetie.

- Cool, no, no, not chicken again mom.

- Look honey, they've shut the gas off

and I want you to have a good hot meal.

So, be glad we get free food from the diner.

Now, go wash your hands.

(dance music)

- Uh, one minuscule problem, there is no water.

- Oh, here, I snitched some moist towelettes from the diner,


- That's just great, and please tell me

you're gonna pay the water bill

before I have to shower off one of these things again.

Wait a minute, got an idea.

Big idea number 1010, bath towel-sized moist towelettes.

This is great, this should sell better than pests for pets.

Look mom, you're kinda smart right?

You could work for NASA.

I mean, I know they're looking for a female astronaut.

- Right, got any more science fiction stories for me?

- Okay.

You're still kind of a babe right?

You could be a network anchor.

- Right!

- Oh, come on mom, anything's gotta pay better

than waitressing at the Chicken Shack.

I mean, come on, please, please don't get me

for the love of God, I have a family.

(door bell rings) It makes my case.

I'll get it.

- Hello Jack.

- Hello Lurch.

- The name's Leech.

I need to speak to your mother

about the mortgage on the house.

Would you be a good lad and summon her for me please.

- Well, sure, mom it's Mr. Lice.

Nice suit, which grave did you rob to get it?

- Nice shoes, attention all Kmart shoppers!

- It's a fashion statement.

- Hello Mr. Leech.

- Mr. Leach, please call me Richard.

- Okay, Richard.

- No, mom, don't call him that.

Mr. big and tall here is not your friend, call him Lurch.

- Jack, that's not the way to speak to anybody.

Look, Mr. Lurch, Leech!

I'm sorry, I'm a little late with the mortgage.

- I'm sorry too, but six months is more than a little late.

- Oh!

- I regret to inform you, that unless you pay

your balance immediately, the bank will be forced

to foreclose on your property at midnight this Friday.

I presume you've received the letters warning you.

- Um, maybe you could hold off just a little longer,

if I paid you some of the money now, I'll go get it.

Jack, come with me.

- Sure.


Oops, sorry.

And then I was chased by a pack of wild pit bulls,

and as I crossed the street,

I was nearly hit by a turbocharged armored truck.

- Jack.

- Then they had laser guns, then they tried to shoot.

- No more tall tales honey, just tell me the truth.

Did you lose all of those antiques?

- It wasn't my fault really mom.

Don't worry, I found this.

Maybe it was a crate of gold headed for Fort Knox

or maybe it's illicit contraband worth millions up, huh?

- I doubt it.

- mom, come on, stop acting like the sky is falling,

have a little hope, I mean, whatever this is,

there must be a reward, right?

Come on, okay, there we go.

- They look like egg plants.

Great, this is just what I need to pay off Leech, eggplants!

- Well, at least it's a delightful

change of pace from chicken.

- I got you a surprise today.

- Oh, yes, yes!

You got me the ones with the high-end back cushions.

Yes, awesome!

Wait, wait a minute mom, you can't afford these.

- No, tips we're good today.

- Mom, but still mom--

- No, we may be having our troubles

but I want you to have everything I can possibly give you.

- I'm gonna be like three inches taller.

Give me some skin.

- Alright! - Yes!

Look out Charles Barkley.

- They're really cool, aren't they?

- [Ladd] It sure was swell to see you tonight Rebecca,

and maybe I'll stop by the Chicken Shack tomorrow night too.

- Sure.

But I think you'd be getting tired

of drumsticks and wings by now.

Anyway, thanks for the ride home.

- Oh, anytime.

And please consider my offer.

If you get in trouble,

you and Jack can always stay at my place.

- Go for it mom, come on.

- That's very generous of you, but I can't accept.

I'm just not ready for a relationship.

- Oh, there are no strings attached.

Well, maybe I gotta put it in another way.

I like you a lot Rebecca,

but if you don't feel the same way, it's okay because.

(cricket stridulates)

- What is that?

- It's just my cricket.

I'm testing one of Jack's new ideas, pet insects.

- (laughs) I see.

Well, don't let him talk you into the beehive burglar alarm,

we've already tried that.

Good night Barry.

- Good night, and remember, there are no strings on me.

- Right.

- Bye Rebecca. - Bye.

(gentle piano music)

- Big note to myself, make mom happy.

As my first act as president, will be to.

- Jack you're talking in your sleep again.

(rumbling sound)

- No, my name is Bond,

James Bond.

No, no there's no time for it Robin,

I have a date with the Cat Woman.

Oh God!

Oh God!

This ark has been hit, medic, medic!

(mysterious dramatic music)

I don't believe it.

Oh, man!

Man, this is big, mom wake up.

- Jack, you're just dreaming, now shush,

I have to get up at five o'clock.

- Mom a gigantic beanstalk is growing in our backyard.

- Jack!

- Mom, you gotta believe me on this.

- Jack, I'm not in the mood for any of your wild stories.

- Mom, would I lie about something like this?

- Yes.

- Jack, Jack, what are you doing?

- Come on mom.

- Jack, Jack, Jack!

- See, I told you.

(upbeat orchestral music)

- I don't believe it.

- Oh man, this gives me a bunch of big ideas.

Note to myself, buy more cassette tapes,

a whole lot more.

- [News Reporter] The giant beanstalk phenomenon

still captivates the nation's attention.

Curiosity seekers from all over the country

have converged onto the small town of Rockfield.

- Portland! - Causing massive traffic--

I'm in the wrong state.

- [News Reporter] But there is good news

as the town's Mayor Cecil Boggs.

- Ever since the giant automakers left this region,

this town has been on the brink of bankruptcy.

Until this miracle occurred,

and know all our hotels and restaurants are filled.

- Who ordered the beanstalk pie?

- [Cecil] The town is so packed,

people are even selling parking spaces on their lawns.

- A hundred dollars for a parking space?

That's highway robbery.

- [Cecil] This beanstalk has sparked

other ancillary industries.

There's even talk of theme park.

- We're live at the home of Rebecca Taylor

and the home of the beanstalk.

Tell me Rebecca, what was your first reaction

when you saw this beanstalk?

- Oh well, my first reaction was

how often do I have to water this thing (laughs)?

- I've got to warn them.

- [Jack] One, come all, see the giant beanstalk,

it's only $5, twilight visits for only 250.

And for $3 more you can VIP (mumbles)

with a tour of the house built all over it.

Don't forget to visit our gift shop.

(upbeat dramatic music)

- Ma'am, ma'am that's $5.

- [Jack] If you're hungry, stop by our concession stand

for a delicious piece of Beanstalk Pie,

and a drink of glass of refreshing Bean Juice.

- Must get a soil sample.

(mumbles) through the sky.

- We have an authentic beanstalk

cereal bowl of candy.

Cash or charge?

- What?

- I'm selling the dirt around here.

- You shouldn't.

- Thanks, Jack.

- All right man.

- Wish me luck on my rose garden.

- All right, good luck.

See ya. - Bye.

- I have a $20 minimum.

- Your name's Jack?

- Yeah, don't wear it out.

- History repeats itself.

- What are you talking about?

- There is a giant at the top of that beanstalk.

- Yeah, right.

You do know you're whack, right?

- You've got to believe me, I know about these things.

I am Dr. Kate Winston, Cryptozoologist.

- Wait, cryptozoolo-, that means you study dead animals.

- Cryptozoology is the study of dragons and mermaids

and Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster,

vampires, werewolves and giants.

It's the study of creatures that may or may not exist.

- No, no, it's seems like its your brain

that may or may not exist.

- We have got to cut down this beanstalk.

- You know this is a real fashion statement.

Hey, what's Jack doing with that crazy woman?

- We have got to cut down the beanstalk,

before the giant comes down and destroys us all.

- What do you mean cut down the beanstalk?

- Exactly that.

He can probably spell us right now.

You know, fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.

This crowd is sure to attract him.

Now, I'll tell you what, you get everyone out of here

and I'll throw him off the scent.

- What's that, garlic to ward him off?

- No, the garlic is for vampires,

for giants you need something far more repellent.

- Okay, like what?

- I don't know, I found this growing in my refrigerator,

and rationalized it's potent enough for the job.

- Yeah, yeah, I think so.

- Giants, right!

Let's be logical about this.

- Have you ever seen a white tiger?


Well, just because you haven't seen one

doesn't mean they don't exist.

- Oh, this is ridiculous!

The soil is probably just rich in minerals.

- Not by my calculations it isn't.

- Okay, okay, the seeds were genetically altered

by scientists to make the plant grow bigger.

- Oh, wrong, it's magic!

(crowd screams in fear)

You must open your mind to other possibilities.

History is full of references to giants.

In the Bible, Numbers 13, 33 and I quote:

and behold there were giants,

and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers

and therefore we were I their sight.

- Right!

And I'm the Jolly Green Giant, ho, ho, ho!

(crowd laughing)

Next you'll be telling us,

space aliens killed John F. Kennedy.

- Actually, don't you get me started on magic boy.

(crowd sighs in disgust)


At any rate, in the 1930s

anthropologist discovered the remains of Gigantopithecus.

A giant ape.

- [Male Crowd Member] She's talking to you Leech.

(crowd laughing)

- Is it not reasonable to surmise

that an entire race could have evolved from this species?

(chuckles) No body believed me at first.

This beanstalk.

This beanstalk proves that all my theories were correct.

- (laughs) What theories?

- Oh!

That there was an ancient history

when magic and science coexisted.

It was only a hunch at first but this beanstalk proves

that the old fairy tales aren't myths

but they're eyewitness accounts

of events that actually happened.

- Oh, wow, you're tall tales are wilder

than the ones my Jack tells.

- Hey!

- Listen Mother Goose, save your nursery rhymes

for the little brat who lived in the shoe.

- My point exactly and that what happened is account,

where do you think Mother Harper got her shoe?


I can prove giants exist.

I have the fossilized remains of a real giant.

(crowd sighs in oh)

- Where is this giant skeleton?

- It's back in my mobile lab,

I had to park five miles away because of the traffic.

- Setup in some tent like P.T. Barnum circus I suppose.

You get your collection outta here.

You are the silliest woman I ever met.

- Yeah, this thing has (mumbles) more jobs in this town.

- You're bad for business.

Nobody's chopping down our beanstalk.

Your ideas stink.

- Believe me!

Believe me!

No, you've got to believe me!

- This beanstalk is bringing prosperity to the town,

people are making their loan payments.

- Well, does this mean you'll be giving away

free transistor radios with every new savings account again?

- I don't wanna be paid back, I like to foreclose.

- That doesn't seem to be a good business tactic.

First the free radios and now this.

- It makes excellent business sense.

When I own everything, I'm gonna flood this town

with water and a dam.

I'll create a lake and build the biggest vacation resort

this side of Vegas on top of this town.

But to achieve this, I need to receive dividends

on the generous campaign donations I gave you.

- What do you want?

- Timber!

- The law is the law Rebecca.

You need a business license

to charge people to see the beanstalk.

Also I must fine you for sponsoring

a public gathering without a permit.

- Cecil, I need this money to pay my mortgage,

if I pay you now I'll lose my house.

- I know, I know.

I'm truly sorry.

- Yeah, and I'm truly sorry too,

but you're gonna have to haul your big fat but outta here.

Look, this is still our house until midnight,

so get off our property.


- We'll go back and get our other belongings later.

Hopefully, Leech won't throw them out into the street.

First we need to figure out where we're going to go now.

All the hotels are booked.

- Why don't we stay with Mr. Ladd,

he already offered, it'll be great.

He's got all those amazing toys.

- No, no. - Come on.

- We can take care of ourselves.

Besides, I don't want him getting the wrong idea.

- Hey!

Come on in, I don't hold grudges.

- Cool.

- Jack, Jack (laughs).

- As you can see, I've got plenty of room.

- Oh, yeah, real spacious.

Oh, I can see you have a problem

with those pesky vampires, huh?

- Uh-huh.

Would you like some dinner?

- No, thanks.

- (laughs) That's not dinner.

- Oh, no?

- It's a sleeping pill I'm preparing for the giant.

- Right.

- Did you take this picture?

- [Dr. Kate] Uh-huh.

- Oh, yes silver bullets.

Hey, wait a minute, did you ever shoot a werewolf?

- (laughs) It was too dark to see, look.

Got me on the forearm before I could fire.

- Oh, radical!

Do you know I got a scar just like that,

when Mathew Wino went a little too far

and gave me an Indian rope burn.

- That is nasty!

Let me see.

But, I can top that.

- I gotta see this, come on, let's see it.

- Scuba diving in the Loch Ness, guess who bit me?

- It's absolutely nothing.

Look what Lucy Fiese did to me

with her blender in Home EC class.

- Oh!



Ghastly, I can't top that (laughs).

- I know.

You know, you're the coolest girl I ever met.

- Oh, thank you.

- I got you both beat.

Have you ever been unconscious

with a cold blade of a knife slowly severed

through your seven layers of flesh

and cuts you open like a watermelon,

and then a slimy creature is yanked from your insides?

I have.

- Are you serious?

- It's all true.

Doc tried to give me a C-section when you were born?


- Bravo!

- What a performance, very good.

- On core, on core.

- Extraordinary. - Yes, what a performance.

- Oh, thanks, you know, before my husband died

I was trying to make it as an actress.

Give me some skin, come on.


- I know, I was pretty good,

but not as good as the Doc here.

- You think this giant stuff is a joke.

- What method do you use, Steno Walsky?

- This is not an act!

All right young man, feast your eyes on this.


(spooky dramatic music)

Young man, this is the giant that was killed

when the first beanstalk was cut down.

I found a giant bean and a giant stalk

next to it as further proof.

- Really?

That's so cool.

Do you think it's the giant with all that gold,

and the goose that laid the golden egg?

- Yes, I have no reason to doubt it, why?

- I'm just curious.

Oh boy, how am I gonna do this?

- Give me all that money you made this week.

- Doesn't it bother you that you're picking

on somebody smaller than you.

- Conscience is but a word that cowards use,

devised at first to keep the strong in awe.

- What?

- It's Shakespeare you idiot!

My mom's an English teacher.

- Sheesh, no wonder you're always so grumpy.

- Just give me the money.

- Yeah sure, here you go.

- Hey, wait a minute, there's no money in here.

- My God, what's that?

- What?

(upbeat high-spirited music)

I'm gonna get you, you little freak.

- Catch me if you can Shakespeare (laughs).

- Yeah, I'm gonna get you, you little pest.

- I don't think so Danny (laughs).

- I'm gonna kill you.

- What are you gonna do, bore me to death

with your poetry reading?

- Oh, you little, come here.

- Let go of me.

Come on, no, I need that walkie talkie.

Let go of me or I'll spit on you.

- You wouldn't dare.

- I know what you're thinking,

is he really gonna spit on me?

Well, I'll tell you the truth,

in all this excitement, my mouth might have dried out.

Being that this is a loogie, the most powerful saliva

in the world and it'll totally gross you out.

You gotta ask yourself one question,

do I feel lucky?

Well, do you, punk?

- I gotta know.

- My mouth is all dried up.

- Oh, you little.


- Ow!

Oh man!

Oh man!

This place is wicked, oh wow!

- Jack.


Dear mom, I'm climbing the beanstalk

to get the giant's gold, so we can get our house back

and so you don't have to work so hard,

because I love you, Jack.

P.S, I didn't want you to stop me if you woke up

so I zipped you up in the sleeping bag.


Oh, oh!

Oh, this is great!

Just great!

Wake up!

Wake up, this is all your fault.

Wake up.

If you hadn't filled his head with the thoughts of giants,

he wouldn't be risking his life climbing that beanstalk.

Wake up!

Wake up, come on!

I'm Dracula, Prince of darkness.

- Get back, demon of the night!

- It's only me.

- Next time be more careful.

I pride myself on my ability to leap into action

at the slightest sound.

Where's Jack?

What's this?

He (mumbles), we've got to stop him.

Don't thank me, I know what you're gonna to say,

and believe me it's all right, I'm glad to help.

I've grown quite fond of the boy myself.

- Hey!

Hey, get back, get me outta this thing.


(dramatic orchestral music)

- Oh man, this place is fantastic.

It's awesome man, I gotta bring some of this stuff home.

- I am going to pulverize you.

After I get some rest.

- Look, I told you I'm broke,

but I won't be for long.

There's a fortune up here just for the taking.

- A fortune?

Well, what do we have to do?

- Yes, I was hoping you'd help me.

We'll split it 50, 50.

(loud banging sound)

Look out.

Go, go, go, go.

- Oh, something smells delicious.

What you fixing for breakfast beautiful?

- Oh you, I haven't even started cooking yet.

What would you like handsome?

- Oh, just a muffin, muffin.

- (laughs) Woogie, woogie.

- It hasn't started yet?

Well, something smells dandily.

Something smells,

real swell.

What is it?

An amusing yet pungent aroma.

Musty bouquet.

Makes my nose hairs tickle (chuckles).

- Daddy, I want you to finish reading me the story.

- All right my little cupcake, come on.

- Man, looks like Leaver De Beaver meets King Kong.

Big idea, volume two, plastic surgery for giants.

- All right, what do you want princess?

- I thought giants were supposed to live in castles.

- I guess they did hundreds and hundreds of years ago

but they evolved just like us, only slower.

- I'm getting outta here.

- No, wait, don't you see this?

They've only managed to progress to the 1950s,

that means they're dumber than us.

We can take these guys or are you chicken?

- Who you calling chicken small fry?

- Yeah, here we go.

Now, a big carpenter towered over the little man,

who was only as small as a shoe (laughs).

- Hey, I think he's reading Jack and the Beanstalk.

- The tiny man was named Jack,

and he was a mean and greedy little devil.

- Hey!

- Jack had stolen all the carpenter's

most prized possessions, including the goose

that laid the golden egg and the magic singing harp.

Who cried, "Save me, save me."

So, the carpenter grabbed it all back

from the sly demon Jack,

and began climbing up the beanstalk.

See, see, see the picture.

- Oh, little people are so ugly.

- Yeah, look who's talking.

- Why do they have such icky smooth skin

and yucky little noses?

- Well, I guess they're just not as lucky as we are pumpkin.

- For Halloween, I wanna go as a little person,

they're scary.


- Okeydoke.

Now, the evil Jack swore revenge,

and began chopping down the beanstalk with an ax.

Luckily the carpenter made it to the top

in the nick of time.

Now, here comes my favorite part.

When Jack finely chopped down the beanstalk, it fell

on top of him, smashing the little devil Jack to bits.


The end.

- Hey, that's not the way the story goes.

- Daddy.

- Mm-hmm.

- Are little people real?

- Well, some folks think they are.

There's been a number of sightings of little people

but there's never been enough evidence

to prove their existence.

Come take a peek at a book I got from the library.

This is one of your daddy's favorites,

UFOs, Little People Another Mystery.

Pretty geek, huh?

Oh, this is a photograph of a little people UFO,

taken last year and wait till you see this.

You see, little people, they don't really look like

their drawn on the storybook.

No, no, they actually have one eye, one big eye.

And they really have big long tails,

and I think they taste like chicken.

- Do you believe in little people daddy?

- I sure do.

But the government, obviously covering up their existence.

Darn that President Nixon.

I wish we'd elected that Kennedy guy,

he may not be as handsome as Nixon,

but he's a whole lot smarter.

- Hey, you're right, they are a lot dumber than we are.

- Okay, timeout.

I would like you to stop filling our daughters head

with such nonsense.

I mean she's gonna have nightmares hun.

We all know that little people just don't exist.

- But what about the pictures mom?

- Well, they're obviously cheap fakes dear.

Well, you see that.

Everybody knows the world is just not round.

- Ow!

- Well, serves you right for being

such a freak about little people.

Oh, sweetness, what have we talked about?

Don't sit up straight, it's gonna ruin your posture, dear.

Come on.

That's better, my little sloucher.

And you Mr. Handsome Man, what have we talked about?

Don't eat with your mouth closed.

Open, come on.

That's better.

I just love you both.

- You gotta take a photo of this,

I'll stand in for scale.

- Okay, to the right.

Okay, back.

There, right there.

- I wonder what's on TV?


- What is it dear?

- Little people.

- Where?

- There.

- Oh my God!

Oh my God!

- Sweetness do not listen to your father.

You know, he's never been the same since he bumped his head

and thought he was a psychic, come on dear.

- Listen cupcake, one lousy psychiatrist.

Look look, quick, they're getting away, see, see!

- Come on, come on.

- Ow!

- See, you see, here they are, look.

- The giant, come on, come on, come on.

- They went under there.

- Oh, did I tell you Darlene Bloodgusto got a nose job?

You don't think that my nose is too small, do you dear?

- Oh, good, good, run around the other side,

make sure they don't get out that end.

They're sly little demons.

- No, no, come on wake up man, get up, get up.

- Come on over cupcake.

I will prove to you that little people exist.

- Oh, man, I could really use a big idea right about now.

Wait a minute.

- I don't see any little people.

The only thing little around here is somebody's brain.

- Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Come on.

- Well, take a peek love bucket and then eat your words.

- In here.

- Nothing.

- I swear, I saw those ugly little monsters.

- I know you think you did dear, but you also think

that this rock and roll bad will last forever.

But I think somebody's imagination

is just running away with them.

- I saw-- - Take a nap.

- Oh, no.


- I'm gonna get outta here.

- Wait the giant will see us man.

Oh no, what was that?

- I think I stepped in one.


- Come on would you relax, they're only bugs.

- Only bugs?

Are you blind?

They're giant bugs, everything around here is giant

and giants mean business.

If they don't eat us, they'll put us in cages

like we're Tweety Birds or worse

they'll turn us over to the government,

to be prodded and probed like we're ET.

This isn't Grimm's' Fairy Tale,

or the Cyclops from The Odyssey, Jack.

- The Cyclops?

- Yeah, from the Greek classic The Odyssey by Homer.

In it the fabled hero Odysseus

encounters this one eyed giant

called The Cyclops on the island of Sicily.

- Oh, that's fascinating, would you please tell me more.

- Well, you see Odysseus was this dude

that was detained for like seven years

by babe goddess named Cle...

Hey, wait a minute.

You're trying to distract me.

- Oh wait, you know for a second there,

you looked exactly like old big butt, Mrs Bun

from sixth grade English class, it was so funny.

- That's my mom you're talking about.

- Oh, Barnt, I really like that name, it suits you so well.

- You're gonna die you little freak.

Get it off, get it off.

- No, not until you promise not to try to hit me again.

- I promise, I promise.

- You gotta raise your hand, and you gotta swear it.

- I swear, I'll never ever try to hit you again,

now get it off.

- Relax man, relax, here we go, it's okay.

- Thank you.

- Hey,

I don't like you.

- I don't think I should be here Leech.

Cutting down this beanstalk could be a political time bomb.

- It's no good.

I can't hardly put a dent in this thing.

It's as hard a stone.

- What was that you were saying about a bomb Mayor?

Ah, yes, explosives will do the job.

Excellent idea.

Get me some TNT.

- Yes sir.

- Leech, what are we gonna say?

We can't just blow up that big tree full of beans.

- Tell them we're making the world's largest burrito.

- All right.

- Ah, this looks interesting.

Little people discovered living in shoe.

- Daddy, I can't find my dolls.

- Daddy's reading right now pumpkin.

- Please help me find them.

- As soon as I finish the paper.

Oh, all right.

How can I resist when you make such a cute face.

- Just call me, G.I Jim.

- I feel like a dork.

- No, no, you look great.

You know you really do pull off that Kent look,

it's fabulous.

- I have this strange overwhelming desire to play house.

This is a stupid idea.

- Come on man, would rather wear clothes with cobwebs

and cockroach guts all over them?

This is a Primo plan.

If the giant walks by, we'll just pose like dolls, observe.

He'll walk right by us, okay?

You're gonna need this to cover your forehead, here you go.

Come on, put it on.

Now, try it, show me some of your best Kent poses.

That's great, come on, strike a pose.

Show me another one, come on show me em, keep em coming.

Note to myself, Danny is a bonehead.

That's great, what time are you picking up

Marcia Brady for the dance?

- Shut up, this isn't fair.

- Hey, first come, first serve.

I found the army clothes first, come on.

Hey, check it out.

The giant left his milk money on the table.

- Awesome!

- Come on.

- All right, but I'm not wearing this stupid scarf.

- This Beanstalk is not only a danger to air traffic,

its roots are sapping much needed moisture from local crops.

- [Field Reporters] Sir, don't you think that--

I have also received a report from the military

that A-Wax Reconnaissance has just discovered a huge,

indefinable energy field around the beanstalk

that defies our radar and infrared readings.

If we are not dealing with magic here--

- Oh no, I think he's talking about

cutting down the beanstalk.

- Unknown forces.

It must be studied by our top scientists.

- [Male Field Reporter] Mr. Leech, do you really believe

there's a giant at the top of the beanstalk?

- I haven't ruled out the possibility.

That's one of the other reasons

that I am cutting down this beanstalk today.

- You can cut down this beanstalk, stop, stop.

My giant theories are totally falsely.

A complete fabrication.

There is no giant at the top of the beanstalk.

I just thought I could cash in on years of wasted effort

and trying to promote my new book,

Fairy Tales, An Untold Story.

I'm terribly sorry, I mislead you.

- No one was listening to you then,

and no one listening to you now.

- You lied, you destroyed your reputation

to save my Jack, you didn't have to do that.

- Yes I did, now come on, we don't have much time.

- Now, I am willing to entertain questions.

- Did you leave your dollies by the Hi-Fi precious?

- No, daddy.

- How about in your toy box?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, I had one of these when I was a kid.

Sorry about that.

- Daddy.

- Ow, ow, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- I want my dolls daddy.

- All right, okay fine.

Hey, hey, hey.

And what is this?

- It's my doll's scarf.

- I'm surprised you didn't remember

putting your dollies under the bookcase precious.

- I didn't put them there,

and where are the rest of their clothes?

Hey, look.

- Hey.


This is one of the outfits I saw

those little people wearing.

I can see them!

- Oh, are you sitting down?

Guess what my hubby told me he saw this morning?

No, not this time.

This time he said he saw little people.

- So, goodbye, oh, Ms. Doubting Dora,

I did see little people.

- Listen.

- I found their clothes under the bookcase.

Those crafty vermin disguised themselves as dolls.

Be on the lookout for G.I Jim and Kent.

- Did you hear that?

Next he'll think he's Elvis.

He's a hoot.

- I will show you

I will show you all.

I am going to catch you little people.

(screeching and grunting)

- Look, I've got all these mountain climbing gear,

from when I hunted Bigfoot.

(glass shattering)

Well, we'll just climb up and rescue them.

- What happens if Leech cuts down the beanstalk,

while we're climbing it?

- Good point, I didn't think of that.

What we need is a really big idea.

- Hey, maybe there's something on one of these.

(gentle piano music)

- [Jack Voiceover] Big note to myself, make mom happy.

Make mom happy.

Make mom happy.

Make mom happy.

- All right we made it.

I'm rich!

I'm filthy rich!

- We're rich.

- Oh, we're millionaires.

Wait a minute, where's the gold?

- What?

- Ah, foolery sir, just walk about the orb like the sun,

shines everywhere.

- Cut the Shakespeare and speak English please.

- It means we're idiots, your big idea is a big mistake.

There's no gold here, not even a penny,

and this stupid $5 bill is worthless.

- Look, I'm upset too all right?

I mean, all I wanna do is help my mom.

Now what am I gonna do?

I've run out of big ideas.

- Maybe you should be more worried

about how you're gonna get your teeth back.

- Danny come on, remember your promise.

- I promised I'd never try to hit you.

I never said anything about succeeding.

- I'm not afraid of you.

I wasn't the one wimped out in the roach motel.

You know what, you're just a bag of hot air.

- No, you are.

You're the one with all the dumb schemes,

all talk and no action.

Maybe I should just pound you senseless

and sell you over to the giant.

- What?

- That's right.

I'm gonna sell for you something I can carry,

like a diamond maybe.

I'm taking you prisoner.

- This will never work, Danny.

- Always messing up, aren't you Jack?

I hope you like heavy metal.

- Now, you were referring to the plate in your head right?

- I've had enough of your limp.


- Just stop it, we're gonna need each other

to get out of here, okay?

- You're right, I don't know what came over me.

- Okay.

- Sucker.

- [Man On Radio] Let me just say this, I made my mistakes,

in all of my years in the public life,

I have profited.

(unintelligible noises)

- Wow, well look at here, a gold coin for G.I Jim.

I'm gonna have to steal that, because I am so greedy.


No, I'm trapped let me out, let me out.


You're dead, you're dead.


- [Man On Phone] Don't you think you're too old

to believe in little people?

- Ah, sit on it!

Come here Kent, I have a surprise for you.

Oh, look money, I have to have it.

Ooh, help me, help me!

I'm trapped and I can't get out, help, help!

Oh, no.

No, Mr. Tarantula don't eat me, don't eat me.



- [Woman On Phone] What kind of a stupid idiot

believes in little people?

- Oh, mom.

I hate little people.


- After I sell you to the giant,

you will never mess up my life again,

you will never mess up your mom's life again either.

You'll be out of everyone's way.


Hey, I finally figured out a way to shut you up.

- [Jack Voiceover] Note to myself, Danny is a bonehead.

- Shut up, shut it off!

- [Jack Voiceover] Danny is a bonehead.

Danny is a bonehead.

- Shut it off, shut it off.

- [Jack Voiceover] Danny is a bonehead.

Danny is a bonehead.

(upbeat dramatic music)

- Shut it off, the giant's coming, shut it off.

Oh, man and he looks mad.

- Got ya!


Okay Kent, where's G.I Jim?

- Listen, I'm gonna make you a deal.

I have my partner tied up over there.

I can trade them for like

one of your wife's earrings or something

- (laughs) No deals Kent I need one of you for questioning,

and the other perhaps for dissection.

- No.

- Stop, you're dead meat.

- Well, if it isn't G.I Jim.

- Run for it, I'll stall him.

- I don't know what to say.

- Try I'm in your debt, for the rest of my life,

for starters.

- I'm in you're debt for the rest of my life.

- It needs work but you'll get plenty of practice, now go.

- Excuse me.

Did I hear you call me, dead meat?

- Yeah, ever heard of Jack, The Giant Killer?

My ancestors kicked your butts before

and we'll do it again.

- Ho, ho, ho, that's rich.

Perhaps I should be calling you GI Joke.

- Ah, very funny.

Listen, Baba I just wanted you to know

you got this Jack and the Beanstalk story all wrong.

It was Jack who lived happily ever after.

He cut down that beanstalk and the giant

just fell right down to he's death.

- (laughs) Hardy har har!

And the next thing I suppose you will be telling me

is that David actually killed Goliath with that slingshot.


- Oh, actually now that you mentioned it, yes.

- Enough!

(speaking in foreign language)

You'll pay for this, agreed!

Where did he go?


- Jack, go the other way.

Go, come on.

- All right, take this you little nose bleed.

- Just move, just move.

- I got ya, I got ya!

- Now, cracks the noble heart,

good night sweet prince, and the flights of angels

sing thee to thy rest.

- Honey, I got him.

You're dead, you're dead, you're dead, dead, dead.

- Mayday, mayday this is Jack Taylor do you read me, over?

Somebody answer me please,

I'm at the top of the beanstalk.

This is Jack Taylor, I'm being attacked by a giant.

- Goodbye brave little Taylor.

- Come on, somebody answer me, this is Jack Taylor.

- The circuit is armed let's get that detonator.

- Right.

(beeping sound)

- It is still alive.

- Oh, no this stupid trouser, not now come on.

- Well, this is definitely one fairy tale

where the hero lives happily ever after.

(screaming in pain)

- Jack.

- Your powers of observation never cease

to amaze me, come on.


- Boy, its a good thing I saved this space suit

from when I stowed away on Apollo 11.

- Apollo 11!

- Really.

I mean Neil Armstrong didn't think much

of my Moon man theories, but oh boy,

he sure was a party animal.

- I don't think we're going to stop Leech

from blowing up the beanstalk with this plan.

- You know, if you were one

of the seven dwarves you'd be grumpy.

- It's not like my life turned out happily ever after Doc.

- Well, the story isn't over yet,

but it will be if you stop dreaming.

How is it that you have a son

who can put hundreds of dreams on a single cassette tape

and you don't even have one in your heart?

- I don't know.

- Well, take it from someone older and wiser.

(loud banging noise)

- What was that?

Parker, Vinnie, Jones check it out.

How long until we have clearance to detonate?

- Three minutes.

- Excellent.

This is gonna be more fun than foreclosing

on someone on Christmas Day.

- You know, all you need is a little imagination.

This plan of mine is quite ingenious.

And I finally get to use the sleeping gases

I stock piled when they threw me out of Transylvania.

Now, feed out that oxygen line, all right and stay back.

Because this stuff is stronger than the fog

that knocked out (mumbles).

- Oh, don't tell me that old story is true.

- Absolutely.

When my Bigfoot expedition to the Sleepy Hollow regions

of the Appalachians, we revealed the most remarkable

similarities during the mountain fog and cryogenic

gases and further.

- Hey lady.

What do you think this is, Halloween?

- Pleasant dreams.

- I'm gonna get you Jack.

I'm gonna get you Jacky.

Here is giant!

Do you smell me?

- He's gaining on us.

- Not if I can help it.

- Yes!

- (laughs) That's gotta hurt.

- I'm getting too old for this.

- We have clearance in 60 seconds.








- Oh no, I don't believe it.

Lurch is going to blow up the beanstalk.

- What are we waiting for go.

- All right, drop it!

- No, get away from me.

- Come on, come on.

- Okay, okay.

- Mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday.

- Stand back.

Don't underestimate the power of a waitress

on a double shift.

- Come on lady, drop the toothpick.


(laughing out loud)

Trespassing, I'm calling the police, 9072.

- Doc!

Doc, are you all right?

(snoring heavily)

- 41,




- 37,




- I can't go any further.

- Hey, if I not get a chance to say it later.

We made a pretty good team up there Danny.

- Yeah, we did.

- Doc wake up.

Wake up!

Oh Doc, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

- Loch Ness.

- Hey, up here, don't blow us up here.

- 29,

01:06:00,556 --> 01:06:02,191
- Come on man can't you see us.

- Come on man, don't blow us up, we're up here.

- 24,



- Better cover your ears, this is gonna make a lot of noise.

- Look up, please.

They can't hear us.

- Nice knowing you Jack.

- Five,





we're set.

- Nice try Lurch.


- Yes.

- We're not gonna die.

- Let's go come on.

- Jack.


- Mom?


- Oh, Jack.

- Oh, it's a Kodak moment.

- Mom, I missed you.

- I missed you too.

(snoring loudly)

- Well, Sleeping Beauty awakes.

- Where?

- I was talking about you.

- Oh, thank God, I hate to miss out on anything.


- What?

- I hope you didn't wake the giant?

- Oh, boy.

- We woke him.

- It's a giant!

- You people look like ants.

Oh, you are ants.

- My theories are correct.

- Come on.

- Oh, yes.

(loud thumping sound)

I was right, I was finally right about something.

- You led the giant down here,

now it's going to destroy the whole town.

This is all your fault Jack.

You may be small but you do a lot of damage.

You are a walking disaster area.

- No, he's not.

He saved my life, and he saved this whole town.

If it weren't for Jack there would be no beanstalk

and this whole town would be totally broke,

and you, you're the one who keeps saying

fee-fi-fo-fum Leech.

You're feeding off the hard time that hit this town.

- He's right, if it weren't for you,

everybody would be a lot better off around here.

- Yeah.

- You can all just forget about the Free Radio

when you open an account at my bank.

- Good.

- Get outta here.

Oh, Doc did you ever finish that sleeping pill

you were fixing for the giant?

- Right here.

I thought it wise to disguise it as a sweet of some sort.

I hope he finds it appetizing.

- Well, what is it? - Yeah.

- It's a gummy boy.

- Oh, it looks absolutely delicious, thank you.

- Jack wait!

- God, I like that guy.

(people screaming)

(laughing out loudly)

- Little people pay for everything

with a worthless a piece of plastic.

This is truly a primitive society.

(lady screaming)


- [Screaming Lady] Oh, get out here.

- Wow, little people indeed (laughs).

They've captured some of my people

and imprisoned them in stone.


- Hey, over here you big ape.

This town isn't big enough for the both of us.

Let me rephrase that.

I bet you can't catch me ugly.

- I'll grind your bones to make my bread.

Come back here, come back here you mutt, you little vermin.

Mets lose to Giants, all right!

Where are you, you tiny little beast?

You can run, but you can't hide, come back here.

Where are you?

Where are you?

(glass shattering)

Give it up, you're too puny to be messing with me.

- Yeah, I've been hearing it all my life

and I'm tired of you partner.

- Uh-huh?

Well, you better get used to it,

because where you're going,

you'll be as small and as powerless as a gingerbread man.

- Is that so?

Well, you don't know Jack pal.

Sometimes people aren't always what you expect.

Bulls eye, yes!

- Oh, I hate cherry flavor.

(screaming loudly)

- I'm gonna die!

- I got you now.

- Come on pal, let's go another round,

I'm Jack, The Giant Killer.

- No, no, please.

I believe you, I believe you.

Sir, please don't hurt me, don't hurt me again.

- Yes, yes!

- Please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me!

- Hey. - What?

- Maybe they'll let me play myself

when they make the movie the week about all of this.

Jack, let me borrow your tape recorder.

- You can have it, I don't need it anymore.

- Big idea number one, contact William Morris.

Oh wait, wait, I've got another idea,

I could be a news anchor.

I could start by doing investigative report

on the beanstalk.

Note to myself, contact Connie Chung.

- Thank goodness you're okay.

- Hi. - I was worried.

(cricket stridulating)

We were worried.

Well, what happened?

Where did the giant go?

- Why don't we go for that cup of coffee

and dine when I tell you.

- Get over here.

Get your hands behind your back.

- What's going on?

- Leech heard your distress call on the walkie talkie

but still he was gonna blow up you and the beanstalk.

We're arresting Mr. Leech for attempted murder.

- Really?

All right, excellent.

- No one's gonna stop me from blowing up that beanstalk.

- Stop, stop, you'll kill the giant.

- Let me have that.

- Look, I'm sorry I called you Lurch okay.

It's just like someone calling me like dope or smurf.

I won't press charges if you just chill out.

- Oh, isn't that big minded of you.

- Stop, you'll kill both of us.

- Nothing would give me greater pleasure.

(upbeat dramatic music)

- Yes, the winner and still champion

Jack Taylor, woo hoo.

Hey, Leech, I guess we're gonna keep our house, huh.

- Jack. - What?

- Wanna play catch?

- Sure.

- Well, Jack.

I'm off to hunt Bigfoot.

- Jack!

- Oh, God, go, go, go.

(loud explosive bang)

- Come outside please.

- Shh!

- There is a giant beanstalk, it goes straight down

to the little people.

- Beanstalk?

I don't see any beanstalk.

- No, now nobody will believe me.

- Hey, look what I found.

(celestial orchestral music)

(moves into upbeat music)