Beach House (1977) - full transcript

BEACH HOUSE

This is your cabin.
Take your time getting changed.

No one will bother you here.
And just to be clear: no swimming!

I will tell you where, when and how.

Is that clear?

Yes, Sir!

- Well? - Good morning.
- Good morning. Well?!

- Excuse me, but they gave me cabin 19.
- This is number 20!

Sir, this is number 19.

Girls, it looks like I've made a mistake.
Number 20 is next door. Come on, out!

Give me a wolf!



Give me a lion!

You call that a lion?! Give me a chicken!

- No! Stupid girls!
- Sorry, Sir!

16, 17, 18...

... and 19. We've arrived.

... and it looks like we're not the only ones.
Please, make yourselves at home.

Here we are. Now, let's all get changed...

... and have a race from here to the sea.
- A nice swim. Go on, get changed.

It's warm, you know. What, are you
afraid of catching pneumonia? Get changed.

It's not like we're watching you.
We're facing the wall, like this.

But we don't have bathing costumes.

What a shame!

- You're not wearing any of those coloured
knickers? The kind with flowers on... - No.

- No underwear?
- Yeah, but it's the transparent kind.



What? Transparent?
You mean like cling-film?

I wanted to buy some myself,
but couldn't find any. How are they?

Let's have a look.

Why? Have you never seen
a naked woman before?

Who, us? No, it was just a thought.
So tell me...

Let's have a look.
You're not shy, are you?

- Go and look at your mother's!
- You lousy...

My mother died a year ago, damn you!
I should teach you a lesson!

- Hey, take it easy!
- Did you hear what she said?

How would she know? Don't get mad,
we'll hire some bathing costumes.

We'll hire them. Come on, let's go...

Damn the person who ever
invented underwear!

We'll hire the... after you.

This way, Bice.

19... this must be it.

- He had to send us all the way down here?
- I guess so.

Last time he took me all the way to Montecatini.
What a waste of time.

He told me: "To content myself
with just you would be dishonest."

"I want to hit two birds with one stone."
Get it?

And then what did he tell you?

Ah! "Enjoy it, because it's
later than it seems!"

He says it's a Chinese proverb.

Then he told me a joke, a really,
really dirty one. Really dirty!

- Do you think he'll come? - He'll come,
don't you worry. He's a real kerb-crawler.

You can see him coming a mile away!
He'll come, just you wait.

- What's he like? - What's he like...
Well, he has a bit of a belly, and...

No, he doesn't have a moustache.
He has eyes, ears, nose, you know, normal.

- Does it look better like this or like this?
- It's better if you take the price tag off.

And cover yourself up!
It's much more tempting that way.

- He can find out by himself.
- Yeah! And then we'll settle on a price.

He said: "Think, think..."
I don't know!

Alright, we'll think.

Hey, we should really leave him a
note so that he knows where we are.

- Yeah, we need him to find the right cabin.
What number is it? - 19. - Alright, hold on...

Pen and paper, there. Write.

- What's he called?
- He's called... Alfredo Cerquetti.

- What is he, Dr., Mr.?
- "Mr."

- So, "Distinguished Mr. Cerquetti...".
- "Distinguished"?! No, just put "Dear".

- "Dear Mr. Cerquetti..."
- Cerquetti.

- "We're at beach house number..." - 19.
- 19. "Waiting for you..."

- "Eagerly..."
- Eagerly...

- "... and longingly."
- And longingly.

"Signed, Giulia and Bice."

- Just a minute! We're almost done!
- My bag...

There we go.

If those don't excite him,
I don't know what will!

Just a minute!

- There are assholes even at the beach!
Let's go, come on! - Let's go.

"We're at beach house number 19..."

"Waiting for you eagerly and longingly.
Giulia and Bice". Will he find us here?

He'll find us! Men are like bloodhounds
when it comes to a chance of sex.

Alright, let's go and post it
on that door up there.

Excuse me?

- Excuse me?
- Excuse me?

Hey, you! Excuse me?!

Oh, excuse me.

Come on.

Let me help you.

Keep the cross on, it looks good.
And anyway, someone might steal it.

Well, it doesn't matter to me.

Just as long as they don't steal you.
You're my treasure, my whole life.

- How I yearn for you!
- It feels just like a dream!

Without my mother who
follows me like a shadow.

Who's always there like a hawk, spying!

And your father? Jumping out on
you all of a sudden, like a ghost!

With those beady eyes of his!
He's everywhere!

And I have to call you "Mr. Carlo".

- Carlo, my darling, one year of seeing
each other in secret. - Such torture!

- You're tickling me! Later, please!
Show me that you know how to wait. - No.

- What kind of boyfriend are you?
- How dare you ask me such a thing?

After a year of being closed
in that shop together...

... among those wigs and perms...

... now that we're alone together,
out in the sun, you're asking me to wait?

Of course. That's enough!

Let's forget about the hair rollers,
the combs, and love one another freely!

- Later.
- Later? - Yes.

Because I want to feel the salt on
your skin, your salty lips.

You're right. Later there will
be even more yearning, more pleasure.

- Love is a wonderful thing.
- Yes!

Will you be much longer in there?

Yes, just a minute! Almost done! Let's go.
Oh! That could have been embarrassing...

- Come on! - Just a moment!
- People are waiting! - Here we go.

- How do I look? - You're perfect, darling.
- Hey! - Hold on! Okay, let's go.

After you, ladies.
Hey! We were here first!

We were waiting outside when you arrived.

We went to get costumes,
we were here first.

- You Romans really make me laugh.
- We can make you cry, too!

Take it easy, Zaz?.

You always want to fight, don't you?

You want your owner to get
mad and throw these guys out.

- It's okay, come on. Let them go first.
- It's all about the principle!

- But hurry up, okay? These Milanese folk!
- Thank you.

Go sell sea shells on the sea shore!

"These Milanese folk!"

Well, let's see.

- I don't see many women around...
- No, no... Don't worry about it.

You'll see, the beach is bound
to be full of pussy today.

Blonde, red-head, all kinds!

- We'll demolish all of them! You'll see!
- All of them, all kinds.

They'll be queuing up for us out there!

What do you think, Zaz??
Zaz?, beautiful Zaz?!

You're a pussy dog, don't forget!

You have to be nice and sweet
with the ladies. Promise?

Find us two pretty girls and we'll
buy you ice cream tonight, okay?

Hey, Giovanni!

Zaz?, don't let us down, alright?
We have to do them all!

We'll skin them alive,
we'll pass them back and forth...

We'll drill them, punch holes in them!

- Nice little dog, does he bite?
- No, he only kisses. Only the pretty ladies...

- Hold this for as second. - There,
one each. What are your names again?

- She's Jole.
- And she's Gloria.

We'll give Gloria this shiny one.
It's a bit loud, but it's pretty.

Glittery, it makes you sparkle.
Alright, get changed. But no peeking, okay?

We'll wait outside while you change.
Come on, Jole.

- What, you're not changing with us?
- No.

I told you. These girls will never
take off as much of a shoe in front of us.

They're not modern like us. Alright.
Though hurry it up, okay? Temptresses...

They're right. A little modesty...

Are you done yet?

These guys want it so bad,
they make me laugh!

They won't be getting any from me.
We won't give them anything.

- They won't be getting any from you, or me.
- We won't give them anything!

They're not ugly,
but they whine too much.

- Hey, they're not getting any, okay?
- I know!

You were the one who wanted to come, though.

They were following us for two hours:
"We'll take you to the seaside!"

Well, a day by the sea can't hurt.

Better by the sea than in the city
selling our products:

Shampoo... - Sponges. - Everything guaranteed!
Sir, would you like to try our deodorant?

Do you think these guys will
have enough money to pay for lunch?

If they run a petrol station, then
they must have money. I sure hope so.

One of them left his bag here.

Let's see.

A comb, a bunch of keys,
some condoms...

They can use them as balloons
for all I care.

1, 2, 3, 4,000 lire...

They got us costumes,
rented the beach house...

We're not eating today.

How do I look?

You look like my grandma!

You can talk, with all those stretch marks!

That's nothing, but I
don't look bad for 3 abortions.

- You know what?
- What?

- I've needed a pee since this morning.
- Hold it in, you can do it in the sea.

- Girls!
- It's hot! Are we still on the high seas?

- Need a hand?
- Come on!

Beautiful!
You should dress like that every day!

- Nando! - What?! - Look!
The prettiest girls on the beach.

Wait for us here, we'll be
out in a flash! Beautiful!

- They're disgusting!
- Red Riding Hood isn't bad!

- Right, Red Riding Hood is mine.
- No, you can have the Wolf.

- No, the Wolf is yours.
- Look, I already picked her.

- Well? Then we'll count for it.
- Alright, let's do it. - For you?

- And...
- Three for me. Red Riding Hood is mine.

What are you talking about?
Red Riding Hood is mine.

Why are we arguing about it
if we're going to do both of them?

I'll do Red Riding Hood and then
pass her to you. You do the Wolf.

Then you give the Wolf to me
and I'll give you Red Riding Hood.

- After that you give me Red Riding Hood back
and I'll give you the Wolf. - I don't want her.

No, then I'll give Red Riding Hood back
to you and you give the Wolf to me.

We'll share them, take it in turns.

- "You're not getting changed with us?"
"No!" - Yeah, go fuck yourselves.

What do we care? They're both hags,
anyway. But a hole's a hole...

Little Red Riding Hood! Wolfy!

Gigi, look at your feet!

It's the rubber shoes, the dye!

Yours too!

Yeah, it's the dye from the shoes,
the sweat, all that running around.

- You're putting your socks back on?
- It's embarrassing.

- You're going swimming in your socks?
- I'll say that I forgot.

What about me?

- You know what we should do?
- What?

- Dive in the sea as quickly as we can.
Watch. Girls! - Yes?

Go down to the sea, we'll
catch up with you in a minute.

- No, we'll wait for you here.
Also, give us some cigarette. - Cigarettes!

Just a minute!

- There, go and get yourselves a coffee.
- No, we'll wait for you outside.

What shall we tell them?

We'll tell them it's a birth mark.

We should have bought diving suits!

- We can't fit through the window.
- You think this is a jailbreak?

- That's what we'll do!
- What? Look...

I'll open the door, you come behind
and give me a slap right here, hard!

So I'll get mad, start yelling,
running after you, "You son of a..."

We'll run all the way down
to the sea and then dive right in.

- Wash our feet and no one will notice.
We'll have to be quick, though. - Yeah.

- Perhaps I should slap you.
- No, I'll slap you. - Alright.

They haven't moved,
they're still right there.

Perhaps they're waiting
to give us an applause.

- Ready? Open the door.
- I'm opening the door...

Girls, have you been waiting for us?
You're so sweet and loyal.

- Take that!
- Damn you!

- Jole!
- My God...

- Look, that man passed out!
- He bumped his head!

Make way, make way! Let me see!

We have to move him from here,
take him inside, in the shade. Come on.

Easy does it. Slowly, slowly...

Slowly. Easy does it.

My God! The poor thing!
Let's hope it's nothing serious.

He's turning black, look at his feet!

It's the circulation. The blood isn't
circulating, it's swelling up.

Give him some air.

- What happened to him?
- He bumped his head.

Is he your boyfriend?

- No, we only met him today.
- Girls!

- He banged his forehead.
- He's passed out. - That's normal.

- Quite a blow! - A little cut
just below his scalp. - Hey, Gigi!

- What's that red mark?
- It's just an irritation.

Gigi, what happened to you?

Do you recognise me? Hey!
Do you know who I am?

Who am I?

You're Nando, damn you!

My feet... cover up my feet.
Nando, my feet...

What are you talking about?
Do you see all that blood?

- We'll have to take him to the hospital.
- Giovanni, give me a hand!

Hold this.
Zaz?, you go with the nice ladies.

Excuse me, is this number 19?

- Don't bump his head.
- Girls, wait for us down by the sea!

- Don't let the dog catch too much sun!
- Excuse me, is this number 19? - Yes.

Pretty, Zaz?, pretty...

- Mr. Cerquetti! Good morning.
- Good morning.

- What a lovely day, shall we go for a swim?
- Such a beautiful blue sea...

5, 6, 7... so many people!

Well, it's a changing room, you're
the one who told us to meet you here.

True. True.

Oh, by the way, this is Bice,
I told you about her at Montecatini.

She's a pretty girl, isn't she?

- The lover? - Yes, my husband's lover.
Isn't she beautiful?

Lover...
I'm more like an intimate friend.

- Very intimate.
- Aren't you getting changed, Sir? - No.

I don't like to be uncovered.

Well, regarding our agreement...
did you bring the money?

I always keep my word.

Sugared almond...

Sugared almond.

- Dishonest!
- No, no! - No...

6 million, wasn't it? Oh...

Actually, it was 3 million,
and I added the other 3 myself.

- Sorry, but I signed for 6.
- Yes, but the estimate was 3.

- I provided the other 3.
- Alright, alright. Thanks, Mr. Cerquetti.

Thanks isn't quite enough. "Thanks..."

- We're not little girls, we understand.
- In fact, here we are.

- Ready.
- Ready for what?

I've done something for you.
Now you must do something for me.

Well, tell us, what do you want?

Don't ask me questions, otherwise I'll
be forced to answer you with lies.

Think, think...

Let's not spoil this nice thing.

Let's go and get 3 nice whiskeys, anyway.

- Where's the bar?
- We don't drink alcohol.

Who said you had to drink? I'll drink
all three myself. Think, think...

Take it easy!

There, Ketty, here we are.

Oh, Carlo, my darling,
"Je t'aime, Mon gros poulet!"

You're as beautiful as sin,
and I won't resist a minute longer.

I long for you, I want you, I'll have you.

Yes, my darling, I'm all yours!

Soon, your body will me mine...

... soon, I'll lick you all over!
Soon, I'll strip you bare!

Did you hurt yourself?
Your little body is so delicate!

- Soon, your little body and mine
will be united as one. - Very soon.

Yes, that's it, I want you,
you're so beautiful!

Soon, my body and yours will be...

Soon, my body and yours will be
one and the same.

The communion of our bodies!

- Is it locked from inside? Open up!
- Just a minute!

Open the door.

You can't go out like that,
you're all upright!

- It had to be right now!
- Okay, I'll hold the radio in front. Open it.

Are you locked inside?

- Ah! What a wonderful day!
- Yes, thank you, thank you...

Where shall we set up?

- He can smell it, see? Get out of here!
- Rocco, sit!

- Where shall we set up?
- Rocco, stop that!

You'll be sorry!
Like the smell of chicken, do you?!

- Women here, men over there. Come on.
- We'll hang our stuff here.

- Vincenzino, don't you be staring at Teresina.
- No, Uncle.

- Did you bring your swimming trunks?
- Yeah, here they are.

- My pyjamas, too. They're new!
- What for? - Good boy.

At the seaside you never know.
You might get tired later.

Is this the first time you've been to
the seaside? You've never been before?

No, Auntie, they took me somewhere
years ago and we went swimming.

Wait, what was it called? Damn!
Sea... sea... sea...

- To the seesaw, that's where you went!
- It was a real sea! - A real sea...

A real sea... a real sea.

"To live, on the high seas..."

- You've got it on back to front!
- It's the first time I've worn it.

Put it on properly!

They're just like underpants.
Have you never worn underpants before?

If this is the first time you've been to the
seaside, then you mustn't know how to swim.

What does that matter?
I'll go where the water is shallow.

- I brought the rubber ring, too.
- Teresina will teach you, won't you?

- That's okay, we have the rubber ring.
- Give the rubber ring to Vincenzino!

- I was blowing it up...
- Shut up!

It looks good on you!

I'll see you all in the water,
I'm going for a swim!

Don't you see that your balls are hanging out?
Tuck them back in.

I'm sorry.

Go on, get in the water.

The sea! The sea! The sea!

Where are you going? The motorway
is up there! The sea is that way!

Leave it, I'll do it.

Go and follow him, don't leave him alone!

- And remember, don't spend too
long in the water! - Alright.

- Where did you find this Vincenzino,
anyway? - He's a nice boy, pure!

Yeah, a pure-breed, like dogs!

Hey Grandpa, they must have dropped
him on his head as a child!

Go and bury the watermelon in
the sand to keep it fresh. Go on!

And hurry up about it!

- It's all a waste of time, you'll see.
- Alright, we'll see, we'll see...

He's catatonic, I tell you.
He's asleep, not awake!

- When I was his age I'd have had sex
3 times by now. - Yeah, with yourself.

If you only knew...

- Let's put him in the shade.
- Hold on, I'll get a deckchair.

- I've got stabbing pains.
- Just take it easy.

- Sit yourself down, Gigi.
- Ouch, careful!

Don't talk until you feel better.

Stay in the shade and don't move.
Tomorrow you'll be fine.

Hey, Roman, you're young and healthy!

- Hey, girls! - Shall we go for a swim together?
- Sounds like fun!

Come on, let's go!

Poor thing!

Ah... at home,
I should have stayed at home...

What are you laughing at, asshole?

You look like a sultan!

- What a whack! That's got to hurt!
- Ouch!

A nice idea you had!

"Give me a slap, we'll run out,
throw ourselves in the sea..."

Though I suppose it worked, they even
washed your feet for you!

Where the fuck were they going
with that boat, anyway?

They'll have to pay us compensation,
you know, it's public land...

... they must have insurance
for this kind of thing.

And it's a head injury, too...

... there's not a scientist in the
world that fully understands them.

So they'll have to give us
a load of money.

Why should they have to pay you?

Not for me, I'm just saying...

- Want a cigarette?
- Yeah, go on. I'm stuck here now, anyway...

Here.

What the fuck?! The filter...

- Fuckin'... - I'll get you another one,
want me to light it for you?

Good heavens!

Did you see him put...

Alright, I'm going for another swim,
I'll be back in a bit.

You seem much better.

Just a quick dip, then I'll be back!
Stay in the shade!

In you go, Rocco!

- Vincenzino!
- Here I am!

- Did you like the sea? Warm, isn't it?
- Not all of it!

- Will you rub some sun cream on me?
- Sure.

I can't go swimming, the sun
always burns me up.

- Here. - Where should I put it?
- Um, here.

Rocco!

I'm going for a swim!

- Well? - What?
- Well?!

You sound like a couple of sheep!

Teresina should find someone else,
that guy's just embarrassing.

- Where would we find someone
as stupid as him? - They're around!

- They're all too clever these days.
- If you say so!

Let's go and sit in the sun, come on.

This is the kind of thing her parents
should be doing, not her grandparents.

Do you want them to find out?
They'd kill her if they knew...

It's too early, just wait.

Quick, let's get undressed!

That way he'll find us naked,
and that's that!

Quick, before he gets here.
We'll finally give him what he wants.

- Yeah, but he seems a bit crazy.
- No! He's just an asshole.

And I want him to find us naked. Here he is!
Stand like this, without underwear.

Let's see what he does.

My underwear!

- Damn!
- Where's he gone now?!

How should I know? He's probably
gone to get another 3 whiskeys.

- You're the wife.
- Um, yes.

- And you're the lover?
- So what?

Strange.

What do you think of me?

- You're nice. Giulia has told me
good thinks about you. Right? - Yes.

And what did she say?

- That you were assistant director of the
"Italy - Safe and Sound" agency. - Correct.

That you were dealing with my file,
that you were reasonable, friendly...

... and that we could easily come
to an agreement. - Take it easy...

... you talk as though the
deal has already been done.

- Sorry, but we had an agreement...
- Not with me. - What?

With the "Italy - Safe and Sound" agency.

Right. Your agency offered me 3 million.

I asked for 6, you told me it was possible...

... but that we had to talk in private.
- Yes.

So we spoke in private.

Then you said that a third party
was necessary...

... so there are three of us. Can we get
to the point? - Of course, easy does it.

So, when did your husband die?

I have it right here:

7 months ago, at the end of this
month it will be 8. File no. 223/226.

Deceased at 23:05, yes?

Was hit by a Fiat 615
license number... etc., etc.

Via Appia Nuova, at the corner
of Via whats-it-called... Right?

In the centre of the road...
The autopsy has revealed that...

... the deceased died from a haemorrhage
and and a blow to the brain.

- I was alone that night, you know.
I almost killed myself. - Me too.

And why didn't you?

You could get a lot more insurance
money that way.

All this beautiful money.

Honestly, what is 6 million for
a dead man these days?

- Her husband is worth a lot more.
- Her husband isn't worth a thing.

What do you know?
You didn't even know him.

My husband had a heart as big
as this beach house.

A person's heart doesn't count for anything,
insurance companies don't deal in hearts.

Then your heart isn't worth
anything either.

My heart is worth 50 million, I'm insured.

- When I die, I'll get 50 million.
- 50 million? - That's right.

- Are you married? - No. - The woman
who marries you will get a good deal.

Dishonest!

The most dishonest women have the same
qualities of the most honest of men.

- Want us to show you?
- Heaven forbid! Easy, take it easy.

Mr. Cerquetti, we're not going to eat you!

Give us that money,
we're ready and willing.

Well, have you been thinking?

What's there to think about?
You're a man, we're two women...

There's nothing to think about,
we're together, first her, then me...

... at the beach, at the motel,
at your house, wherever! It's simple!

Simple, is it? Too simple!

Why don't you think of something else,
use your imaginations, something...

Mr. Cerquetti,
you're being a bit of an asshole.

I can take your joking around,
but can we get down to business now?

You made me come down here as well,
what is it you're after?

Oh, nothing. You're the ones who
want the 6 million. Here it is...

I want to give you it...

... but you've done nothing to deserve it.
- Really?

- I'm thirsty. I'm going to the bar to get...
- Alright, we have time...

- Gigi! Do you know where those
two bitches went? - Where?

Out in the shallows with those
two soldiers.

- Bitches! We should leave them here!
- They can walk back!

- Anyway, how do you feel?
- I feel like I was beaten up by 50 people.

Worse than when I was in the hospital,
it really hurts.

I hurts back here, too. What the fuck
is that? The collar-bone? I don't know...

It really hurts! Christ, my teeth
even hurt! Keep laughing, asshole!

I'm going for a swim.

- Want me to take you home?
- No, no.

- Don't move, alright?
- No!

- Because the Germans are quick and dangerous.
- They don't scare us.

We have to overtake them.

It's a key encounter, with the
next championships in mind.

To win the chance for
further international games.

The worst thing would be to go out
there all haughty and complacent...

... convinced that we'll win.
- Yes, but some games can be taken lightly.

We have to create an atmosphere, you know?
Just like last year.

For me this is the only way to
make sure we avoid certain risks.

Did you see all those
pretty women, Vincenzino?

I've never seen so many people
in underpants in my whole life.

If only I was your age!

She's pretty, Teresina, isn't she?
A really pretty girl.

And did you see how she's grown?

- Here, smoke. - I don't smoke...
- Smoke! It'll make you a man.

Do you have a girl back home?

Not any more.

- Pretty, isn't she? Teresina. Real pretty.
- This is all we need...

Curse this damn beach, full of splinters,
glass, rubbish!

Tuck your balls back in.

- Here, sit down.
- Have you hurt yourself?

- I got a splinter in my foot.
- Grandma will get it out.

This splinter is really deep.

- You try, I can't see a thing.
- I can see even less than you!

- You get it out, your eyes are
better than ours. - Okay...

- I'm hungry, when are we eating?
- Wait for the watermelon, you!

- Oh dear, we left all of our stuff on
the beach, let's go. - I'm coming too.

- Where does it hurt, here?
- Yeah.

If you don't take a splinter out, it goes
further inside and comes out of your ear.

You have to pull it out with your teeth.

Pull what out?
I don't have a splinter.

Are you not hungry?

- Want some fried chicken?
- No, I don't like it.

So you're my second cousin?

- Well, I guess so. Third, fourth...
Want some fruit? - I don't like it.

Don't you like anything?
Not even women?

I went with a woman once...

... but I didn't feel anything.
Perhaps because she was old.

So now you get why they
brought us to the seaside.

No, why?

- Those two are waiting outside,
by the door. - Why, what do they want?

They want us to make love.

I thought I had better tell you everything.
You are my cousin, after all.

Um... I'm 3 months pregnant.

I told Grandpa and Grandma
and they took me to see a doctor.

And the doctor told me that
I have... hold on.

"Miss Teresina Fedeli may not undergo
an abortive procedure..."

"... because of stenosis of the
cervical channel, caused..."

"... by preexisting electro-dessication."

I can't have an abortion,
so I have to find another solution.

What can you do? You can die from it,
but I don't want to. But if I die...

... at least I'll get some peace
in a nice little hole under the ground.

If my father knew, he'd kill me.
He's crazy.

That's why they invited you to spend
a few days with us at the seaside.

All we have to do is make love and
the kid will have a father.

Will you marry me right away?

- What happened? - What is it?
- He burst the rubber ring!

It doesn't matter, I've already learned
how to swim! Actually, I'm going in again.

Yeah, but go and swim in the sea,
not in the shallows!

- In the sea!
- Follow him!

Go on, otherwise he might drown!

- Quiet! Go on, listen to grandma.
- Alright, "listen to grandma."

"Listen to grandma!"

Will you shut up?
You should be nicer to that boy.

What boy?! He's an imbecile!

We have to let love bloom,
nothing can happen in just one day!

That guy needs a lifetime,
not just a few days.

- In my day...
- Yeah, in your day!

When we first got together...

... it was two years before
you even touched me. Two years!

You didn't know if it looked
like this, or like this!

If you only knew...

- Leave me alone!
- Our Roman, always on guard!

- Come on!
- Take it easy! Put me down!

Damn you! Put me down!
My head hurts!

Look at those muscles!

Go fuck yourselves!

- Who has the bigger muscles?
- Me, they're harder than yours.

- 110 when pumped up, 99 normally.
- 60 on the hips, etc. etc.

One, two, three...

- Up! One, two, three!
- Can I do it? - Grab me here!

- 1, 2, 3, I win!
- I could break you in half!

All these aerobics have made
me rather hungry, you know!

Our hungry girls!

- Expander for you, skipping rope for you.
- Don't forget to bring the towels!

I hope these two idiots have
enough money to pay for lunch.

Confused us for a couple of coat-hangers.
And they're always making that noise...

Bloody hell...

A little nap...

Just half an hour.

I can't sleep.

Perhaps I should count sheep.

One, two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

... and six.

Seven...

... and eight.

Nine...

Nine, nine, nine...

And...

... always nine.

Nine...

... and ten!

Fucking sheep!
I should count pretty girls.

One, two...

Three.

Gigi!

Gigi! Here we are!

- Four...
- Thank you.

Five.

Six and seven.

Gigi, how many of us are there?
Guess... - Easier said than done!

One, two, three, four, five...

... seven, eight, nine of you.
- Well done. - Thank you.

Look at them!

- Gigi...
- Gigi!

- Gigi!
- Gigi!

Have you finished counting?
They have to pay us the insurance!

- They have to give us a load of money!
- Damn you!

100,000, 200,000, 300,000...

400,000...

500,000...

600,000...

700,000, 800,000...

900,000 and a million!

Million!

Hey, Million!

Million, now that you're
the million, what will you do?

- What will you do?
- I don't know.

- Come here!
- No! Who are you? I've never seen you before!

Come here.

You're trying to tempt me,
but you'll never succeed.

- I'll never succeed?
- No.

I'll never succeed...

- I'll never succeed?
- No!

- I'll never succeed?
- I said no!

- I'll never succeed...
- Don't make me laugh, naive woman!

Naivety is always the biggest temptress.
Naivety is cunning.

- What do you want? Who are you?
- I am Naivety.

Naivety. Alright, Naivety,
leave me alone, will you?

I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you.

- Are you coming? - No.
- Then I'll come to you.

I'm in love with you.

Liar!

- Liar? - That's right, liar.
- You're the liar! - Hands off...

... otherwise I'll give you a slap!
- Son of a bitch! - You crazy woman!

Who do you think you are?
You lousy tramp, leave me alone!

- You big fat liar!
- Damn you! - Wait, listen!

- Tramp!
- Naivety!

Lousy tramp!
Leave me alone! Go away!

Listen!
What came first, the chicken or the egg?

- I don't know, go away!
- Tell me! - Go away!

- What colour was Garibaldi's white horse?
- I don't know!

It was white!

Hey! Do you want to get yourself killed?

Look, I'll show you how I die.

Breath! Hey, breath!

- Breath!
- No, I'm dying.

Breath!

She must really want to die.

Who put this fucking thing here?

Who put this fucking thing here?
I need to get out!

Darling, we're finally alone.
This time I won't open up for anyone.

Not until I've made you mine!

- Undress me, my love! Hurt me!
- Yes!

I need you, I want you!

- Oh, yes, I'm all yours!
- All mine!

"Carlo, je t'aime, Mon ch?ri.
C'est bon!"

- Huh? - I'm all yours!
- Ah, yes, you're all mine.

- Please, I want you inside me,
penetrate me with your sword! - Yes...

- Yes, I'll stab you! With my sword...
- Hey!

You woke me up, you know!
I was having a nice dream.

What time is it?

Nando!

- Nando!
- What?!

- I'm hungry.
- Thank God, you must be feeling better.

I've got 4,000 lire left, go to the bar
and get a beer and two sandwiches.

- What do you want in them?
- Whatever you want. You know, food.

With sauce!

"The soup is ready, it's dinner time!"

Swimming sure makes you hungry!

That's right, doctors send people who can't
work up an appetite to swim in the sea.

"Superproton 2000", you can eat
as many of these as you want!

A handful of these contains
the entire alphabet of vitamins!

A, B, C, D, E, F.

46% protein, they're hyper-calorific!

A handful of these is like eating a plate
of pasta, roast chicken, vegetables...

... cheese and fruit.

- Come on, Giovanni!
- Help yourself to a handful, girls!

Right, vitamins A, B, C...

... without putting on any weight...

... chicken, pasta, cheese...
- Shall we try some?

Don't even think about it! Pills are all we need!
I would rather eat those two raw, anyway!

Yeah, at least we'll eat them!

See if you have some change in
your purse, I'm broke.

I don't know...

Here, look.

160, 170, 180 lire, a token,
and the rest are leaflets

- We should have spent the day selling
shampoo, instead. - What shall we do?

Get dressed and go.
We'll hitch a ride...

... and I'll show the first men who
pull over what they're missing! - No.

I'm not walking all that way
just to find some men.

Then let's go to the restaurant
and see what happens.

No, I'm not coming.

We won't eat.
Alright, we're fasting.

- Have some dignity! We'll get
dressed and go. - Alright.

Why don't we stay a little longer?
We could for another swim.

And anyway, to leave this early...

Yeah, but in this hot weather...

I'm all sweaty.
I could really use a shower.

I'd love a shower, too!

- What are you looking at?
- Could you go outside for a moment, please?

- Please, we have to get changed.
- Thieves.

- Huh?
- Thieves.

- What was that? What are you saying?
- What do you want?

Come on, Jole. Let's go for a swim.
This guy's crazy.

- Mr. Cerquetti! We're waiting for you!
- We'll be at the restaurant!

- Time to eat!
- Go on, go and set the table!

- Are you hungry, Vincenzino?
- Yeah.

I'll show you a lunch like you've never
had before. Come on, give me a hand.

No, the other way, turn it round.

- Here, pull it towards you.
- Spread it out.

Try some of this wine, Vincenzino!

Tastes nice!

Vincenzino, smell this chicken!
Teresina cooked it!

Smells nice, doesn't it?

- How do you open this?
- Hold on!

- Smell that!
- Thanks... - In a minute!

Leave those potatoes alone!
We're all eating together.

- Water.
- The cannelloni is in here. - Yes...

- Vincenzino, we brought salmon as well.
- Ah, salmon.

Look at this, caviar!

- How do you eat that?
- With your mouth.

Hold on!
Vincenzino, this cannelloni smells good!

- Teresina made these too, you know?
- Thank you. - This is for you.

This is for Teresina,
and this is for Grandpa.

- Alright, enjoy your meal!
- Enjoy your meal.

Nando! I'm starving, hurry up!

You took your time! I'm starving!

What a rip-off!
Two sandwiches and a beer, 3,000 lire.

- Is there sauce? - Yeah. - Sauce?
- Yeah, with sauce. - I'm starving!

Nando, get a move on!

The sandwiches?

I don't know, they were right here.

Hey, is this your dog?

- So what?
- He ate our sandwiches!

I hope there wasn't chicken in them,
chicken makes him ill.

Rocco, come here!

Bastard dog!

Eating sandwiches, were you?
No dinner for you!

That's enough. Sit down and don't movie!
You little thief!

- What should we do now? Eat the beer?
- What do I care? The dog ate them...

Pass me your plates,
I'll give you some chicken.

- Teresina made this, too.
- Well done.

I recognise your face.

Are you kidding, Mister?

- Where are you from, what neighbourhood?
- Via dei Santissimi Quattro, near the Colosseum.

At the bottom of the hill.

I know you from somewhere.

- What's your father's name?
- Toto.

- Toto... Toto... Toto what?
- Toto Angeletti.

You're Toto's son?!

- Did you know my father?
- Me and Toto were like this.

Is he still around?

Kind of... but he's dead.

He's kind of dead?

Damn, I'm so sorry!
Poor Toto!

We were great friends,
always together...

... you wouldn't remember, it's been
so long, you were just a kid!

Of course I remember, yeah!
I thought I recognised your face, too.

So you remember?
Then sit down, eat with us.

Eat, tuck in!

We have so much food, too much
to go around anyway! Eat! Drink!

Drink, it'll do you good!

What a man your father was!
I hope you're half the man he was.

- I am, I am...
- What was that? - I am!

What a womanizer her was!
None of them were safe.

As soon as he saw one, bam!
He was sleeping with half of Rome.

But then he found the right girl,
got married...

... and settled down.

You take after him, I suppose.

And... are you married?

No, no. I'm as free as a bird!

By the way, what did you do to your head?

God knows what would have happened if
I wasn't there! He got hit by a boat.

Came out of nowhere. They have to pay us.
It's public land.

See, look what happened to him.

There has to be insurance.

And anyway, who knows with head injuries?

It hurts! It hurts!
No one can tell you any different.

They'll have to give us a load of money.
We're going to get paid, aren't we?

- Is he a friend of yours? - Nando,
this is Mr... - Nice to meet you.

My wife, my little grandson, this guy's...
yeah, the less said about him the better...

... and this is beautiful granddaughter.
See how pretty she is?

- Nice to meet you, Gigi.
- Nando.

- Want some? Sit down.
- Here, drink. - Tuck in.

It's just leftovers anyway.

Here, eat this too.

So he's dead.

Poor thing... poor... kind of dead.

- Toto Angeletti.
- Yeah, Toto Angeletti.

- Do you know them? Who are they?
- Who cares? Just eat and shut up!

If your dad could hear this...

A drop for Grandpa, and a drop for Grandma.

- Who is this Toto?
- Be quiet! Who cares?

Pretty! My pretty granddaughter.

How old are you?

- Twenty... - What?
- Almost 28.

My head, you see...

What do you do for a living?

We work at a petrol station.
Washing and greasing.

- Ah, an honest job. Decent pay, is it?
- Yeah. - Yeah, it's petrol.

- Black gold! Isn't that right...
- Gigi. - Gigi.

- Get this damn ball out of here!
- Did that hurt?

Me? No, I'm hard-headed.
What about you, did you hurt yourself?

No, it's nothing.
I banged my head, but it's nothing.

- Your bandage came undone.
- Thanks.

The watermelon!
Go and get the watermelon, Vincenzino!

- Yeah, let's get the watermelon!
- Go on!

Miss, you should have seen it.
There's a cut on his head from here to here.

They'll have to give us
at least a million each...

... and not even a scientist
can tell us any different.

- Ouch! It hurts, it hurts!
- Drink up!

- What's your name? - Nando.
- Nando, drink up! - Thanks.

- Drink up... - Gigi. - Drink up, Gigi!
What a great guy you are!

"And to the sweetest girl of mine,
I give the most wine!"

No, none for me thanks.
It only makes me dizzy.

This is nothing, it's honest wine!
It's from Olevano Romano.

That's where we're from!

Last month we put on a show
in the town square.

- At night-time, all illuminated.
- What kind of show?

"Amateur hour".

You know those things they put on
in towns, with peanuts, roast meat...

He won, you know, he got first place...

Don't bang your head around here,
no one will give you anything!

- You can play for them, can't you?
- What?! Are you crazy?

- With all that chicken I've eaten!
- You should hear him play.

- Cut it out! - Come and sit here
next to Teresina, there's more room.

- You should hear him with his... things.
- What kind of things?

- Things, you know... things.
- What things?

Things, you know... such shows!
Such melodies! Come on, Gigi.

I don't feel like it...
Come on, leave me alone.

Come on, you can't let us down now.
What does he do?

You should hear his trumpet.

Shut up, stupid dog!

Thank you.

- Uncle!
- Grandpa!

We can't find this watermelon.

We dug a hole this deep, but there's
no watermelon. Just water.

What are you talking about?
Go on, dig the entire beach up if you have to!

- Go! Dig, find that watermelon!
Nice one, Gigi. - Today, you know, my head...

Never mind all this modern music!
This is... the sound of nature!

Shall we go and get a nice cup of coffee?
I could really go for one right now.

- Come on, Nando.
- Let's go.

Give me a hand cleaning up.

We'll see you down by the see.
Come on, Rocco.

- Alright...
- Come on, let's go.

"Calling all police cars!"

"Calling all police cars!"

Goodness me!

Why does nothing bad ever
happen to a good man?

How disgusting!
Damn dog, did you do that?

That's the dog that peed on our towel!

Do you understand what this pig wants?

Did you not hear what he said
at the restaurant?

- "Chastity sharpens the brain".
- Sharpens, my ass!

- He wants to watch us two have sex.
- Yeah, that's all we need.

Mr. Cerquetti, we know what you're
thinking, and we won't do it.

We're not the type, Mr. Cerquetti.

So what did you think up?

Honestly: You want me and Bice
to have sex in front of you.

But we're two normal women.

Mr. Cerquetti, you're a handsome man.
We might have even given it a try...

... but after all that's happened, no.

No, definitely not.

We've thought of everything, you know.
But all natural stuff.

First me, then bot of us together,
on top, underneath, upside down.

Standing up, on the floor, inside, outside,
things that happen between a man and a woman.

Ah! So this is what you thought up!
Well done, very well done.

How on earth can you live with
such disgusting imaginations?

- Then what do you want?!
- Tell us clearly, once and for all!

I am clear, you're the ones who aren't.
You haven't thought of everything.

You're missing one thing.

This is what you're missing!
It's right between our legs!

- Show him yours as well! Look!
- Get away from me, hussies!

Strip him!

It's occupied!

- Get his belt off!
- You obscene harlots! - Grab his leg!

- Yes, get undressed. - That's enough!
- Loosen his belt. - Stop!

- Don't be afraid! - Easy now! It's just like
going to the dentists. - Let go of me...

- No! - Yes! - No!
- Yes, we've got you now!

God, help me!
Give me the strength to resist!

Why is my body so weak?

- No! - Don't be shy, come on,
it'll be over as soon as you know it.

What the hell is this?

What kind of underpants do
you wear, Mr. Cerquetti?

- They're closed with a lock.
- You have security on your underwear?

Women! Oh, women!

- This guy's crazy, I...
- No, no...

- Mr. Cerquetti, where are you
leading us? - I know...

To paradise.

- Where? - Sorry?
- Paradise is not lost.

Paradise exists,
and it will be my reward.

- People are waiting!
- Just a minute, we're coming!

This cabin is for everyone!

Mr. Cerquetti, let's go and get 3 whiskeys.
This time we'll drink as well, come on.

- We'll drink too, you'll see.
- Yeah, we'll drink too.

- Anyway, you'll never succeed.
- You think so? - No!

- You'll never succeed!
- Heaven forbid!

I'll just get my notebook.

- What's the name of that gym?
- "Martial Arts".

Right, "Martial Arts..."
Damn, this pen is leaking.

- Do you have a tissue?
- Yeah... no, I never carry them.

- The number? - 832432.
- "832432".

Come on.

God damn this stupid beach,
full of glass, splinters!

- Ouch, it really stings!
- Let me see.

- You try and get it out, I can't see.
- What use are my eyes?

Get it out, will you Gigi?
You're younger than we are.

Wasn't it your other foot?

- Come on, we left all our stuff on the beach.
- I'm coming, too.

This is disinfected, you see.

- What star sign are you?
- The hammer and the sickle.

No, I'm kidding.
I was born in February, I'm a Pisces.

- Ah, I'm a Pisces too.
- Then we make a nice couple of fish!

- Two Pisces never get along.
- How do you know?

Want to bet? We can give it a try.

It must be one of those little splinters,
the kind that go in and...

- Does it hurt?
- A bit.

Hold on. Here it comes...

Got it! It's invisible!

Where were we? Ah yes, fish.
Pisces don't make love with each other, then?

I think I might give you a kiss.
Can I give you one?

Damn!
Are you trying to take my eye out?

- Why, how are you supposed to do it?
- You've never kissed anyone?

What, are you crying? Because of this?
You should be happy, it's only natural.

- You know how many women would love
to be like you? - What, a virgin?

Well, more or less, kind of...

Let's go and get you a drink of water.
Come on, it'll calm you down.

- Who are we?
- The strongest!

- Who are we?
- The meanest!

- What are we?
- One step ahead!

- What do we have?
- Blind faith!

- What do we do to our enemies?
- Put them on their knees!

- And what do we kick?
- Their ass! Their ass! Their ass! Their ass!

We're almost cooked.
Fell asleep in the sun like two lovebirds.

Yes, finally we're alone.
Love is a wonderful thing.

"Oui, Mon amour..."
Take me, I'm all yours!

Love leaves me happy, exhausted,
but I can never get enough! Never!

It burns!

We're all sunburnt!

Burned all over by the sun.
Take my chain off. Careful, easy does it.

Careful now!

- Oh, my darling, come here.
Let's try on the bench. - Okay.

- It burns!
- We can't do it!

- Take your knickers off.
- We can't touch each other!

- Let's try without touching.
- Alright.

- It burns, but I want you so bad!
- It's impossible!

Darling, come here, put your hand up there.
Put your leg up on the bench.

Pull your bathing suit down, slowly.

Open up!

Ketty!
Did you hurt yourself! Assholes!

Carlo! Carlo!

It's freezing!

- Damn, it was sunny before.
- It's not sunny anymore.

Stupid dog!

Look. Thumb, forefinger, and the
little finger's disappeared. See?

I'm just teaching her a little game.
It's raining, anyway.

"There is a sacrifice that
the Lord finds utterly divine..."

"... and the Holy Spirit..."

"... perfection."

Are you a priest?

Grandpa, did you hear? He's a priest.

So what? Can't a priest come
to the beach for a swim?

What makes them so special?
They're just like the rest of us.

What time is it?
Do you know what time it is?

16:18 and 20 seconds, exactly.

No, it's 16:18 and 58 seconds.
It's electronic.

- 16:18 and 57 seconds.
- 58 seconds. Mine's electronic.

No idea. Come on, let's go.

- What terrible weather.
It's turned cold, too. - I know.

- Do you think it'll stop.
- You know, it's that heavy kind...

Do you know this?

And this?

Dishonest!

What terrible weather!

Oh, Lord! Yes, it's true!
I've sinned! I've sinned!

These two women dragged me
into their whirlpool of sin.

- Six, seven... - No, six!
- I count seven! - Seven? - Seven!

He started with me,
then he went with you twice.

... then three times with me. - No!
- Three with me! - What? - 3 in a row!

- Oh, he wanted to...
- Yeah, with his hands. - Insatiable.

And now I am condemned to burn
in the eternal fires of hell!

But it's not my fault!
It's their fault! Yes, you two!

Please, allow me to redeem myself!

- What's he doing, a rain dance?
- Poor thing, he must be drunk.

- How much did he drink? Is he an alcoholic?
- No, he's just a little crazy.

- But he's been drinking whisky all day.
- I've followed the devil.

If you doubt me, ask my guardian angel.

Why didn't he tell me that
women are more bitter than death?

The root of all evil, Satan's soldiers,
a bowl of every kind of corruption.

Even Saint Cipriano said that every woman...

... should be embarrassed,
just at the thought of being a woman.

Not Saint Cipriano! Saint Clemente
of Alessandria, Father of the Church.

Shut up! Shut up...

I didn't want to!
I didn't want to!

All men are decedents of Adam.

Love is a lusty whim,
always followed by disgust.

But to avoid it would be to destroy mankind.

- I found it! I found the watermelon!
- An act against nature.

Teresina, did you see
that I found the watermelon?

See what a good guy he is?
He found the watermelon.

I think we have enough water right now!

Hey, let's get a photo
of you all together.

- Yeah, a photo!
- Okay!

Gigi, put your hands on my shoulders.

The guy with the watermelon
on his head, move back a bit!

One of you needs to
fill this gap at the front!

You two, the red lobsters,
closer to the middle.

Right, that's it. Hold it.
Give me a big smile! Smile!

That's it!

Thank you, and goodbye!

"We'll win at every cost..."

"Nothing will hold us back..."

How unfortunate,
we have to go home like this.

- The only thing I can wear is my shoes.
- And my hat.

You've never eaten it before, I'm sure.

It's made with finely cut dried beef...

... a healthy grating of truffle,
a drop of cognac...

... and when it's almost cooked,
a spoonful of caviar from Vietnam.

- No, from Pakistan.
- It's the same thing.

It's tasty, Gigi.
When you eat it, it makes you go...

I cook, you know.

Right, Giovanni.
The expander, the weights...

Damn, it doesn't look like stopping.

No one is leaving here until
I get my girl's knickers back!

Come on, get your knickers out!

- They're not these, are they?
- No. - I'm not wearing any!

- Are they these?
- Or these? - Or these?

- What colour were they?
- French...

Come on, let's go. It doesn't look
like stopping. We'll get dry at home.

- Mr. Cerquetti... - Mr. Cerquetti?
- Thank you, and goodbye.

Shut up!

- Goodbye! - He's crying.
- Let him cry. Bye, thanks again.

- Wait for me, don't leave me here!
- Come on, then!

- Hurry up, it's raining!
- It rains on all of us, doesn't it?

Oh God, he must have escaped!
Zaz?, where are you? Come here, Zaz?!

Quickly!

- Let's run!
- Hey, that's my shoe!

You've got two rights on!

Oh, I'm sorry!

- I don't like the seaside.
I'm going home. - Where?

To Abruzzo, in the country.
My village.

- We'll take you, are you in a rush?
- No, I'll go by myself.

I know where the bus stop is,
it's just round the corner.

I'll go to the station, buy a
ticket and take the train home.

If you don't want to stay with us,
I'll take you to the station.

No, I'll go by myself.
Bye.

- Bye, Teresina.
- Bye, Vincenzino.

Bye!

- Bye, Vincenzino.
- Bye.

Bye! We'll drop by and see you!
Have a nice lunch together!

- So long! Come on, let's go.
- Let's go.

You carry the watermelon.

Have we got everything? Let's go.

- Gigi, are we going to share her?
- She's just a girl!

- Come on, don't be stingy!
- No, be quiet! She's pure.

- What? - She's a virgin!
- How do you know?

Gigi, are you coming with us?
There'll be space in the car.

Yeah, he has a car anyway.
Bye!

You can help Teresina carry that.
Come on, hurry up! Let's go!

Rocco!

Rocco, come here.

Did they leave you here?
Coming with me? Come on, let's go.

Come on, let's go.