Baywatch (2017) - full transcript

In sun-kissed Emerald Bay, the vigorous Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon and Baywatch, his elite team of hand-picked and perfectly tanned lifeguards, protect the bay, keeping both sunbathers and beach lovers safe. However, this summer, two new eager trainees will join the demanding life-saving program, as well as an insubordinate former Olympic swimmer, who are all called to prove their worth on the lifeguard towers just on time when a new synthetic street drug begins to infest the Emerald Bay: the flakka. Without a doubt, this calls for some serious undercover teamwork action, as the badgeless heroes in spandex comb the beach for shady newcomers and nefarious entrepreneurs with hidden agendas of their own. Can Mitch's band save the bay?

All right, boys. Here we go.

Nice and easy.

Man, Mitch, if you weren't here...

I'm always here.

Don't worry, your friend's
gonna be all right.

Are you Batman?

Sure, pal. Just bigger and browner.

- All right, boys, get him in.
- Have a good run, Mitch.

All right, Steph.

- Yeah, Mitch.
- Yo, Eros.

How's it looking out there?



Lippers are feebs today. Just eggy.

Waves are shitty today.

Eggy beyond. Nuggin' higher outside
than a full-on gazebo.

Yup. It's windy!

- Good call, brah.
- Come on.

- All right, brah-brah!
- It's just brah.

Later!

- Come on, Pete.
- Hey, Mitch!

I told you, you don't have to
do this every day.

I want to. You saved my sister's life.

You think I'm gonna forget that?

All right. Well, listen,
tomorrow make my pecs a little bigger.

And don't cover up my front bump.

You got it. Huge dick.



Big dick.

- Yo, Ellerbee.
- Hey, Mitch.

Hey, come on, man, why don't
you leave my boys alone,

and get off this big wheel
and come join me for a run?

What are you saying, that I need to work out?

That I'm, what, looking smaller?

No! You're looking big.

I don't know how you
fit in that uniform, man.

- Yeah?
- Hey, hey!

If I had a sister,
I'd introduce you to her, man.

You all right, all right.

Wait, was that sarcastic?

Like calling a tall guy "Shorty"?

Damn it, he always does that to me.

I heard he invented Google
and gave it all to charity.

Man, I heard he invented
the cure for the common cold.

He ain't Superman,
he's a damn county lifeguard.

Grown man wears spandex to work.

So does Superman.

Hey, fuck you! Get off my beach!

I don't even have to stretch to guard you.
Let's go.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Not on my beach, Arian!

- What up, Vern?
- What's up, Mitch?

He saved my nana's life.
I ever tell you about that?

Every time he jogs by.

Literally, every single time.

Hi, Mitch.

Flakka. Jesus.

Hey, what's up, buddy?

- Hey, Mitch.
- Hey, can I see that?

- Where'd you get this?
- Right there.

Right there? Is this the only one?

All right.

You could go over there,
you could go the fuck over there,

get the fuck out of here!

What part of "private" do you not understand?

Hey, hey. What's up, boys?

- Beach belongs to everybody.
- Nothing belongs to everybody.

That's not nice.

- There are killer waves, boys. Go shred.
- It's on.

- Later, Mitch.
- All right, brah.

You don't want to do that, big dog.

I'm an animal lover, but I will put you down.

Frankie! My God, I am so sorry.

Frankie, stop.

Don't you know he's a friend?

What a terrible, terrible way to meet.

- You're Lieutenant Buchannon, right?
- I am.

Victoria Leeds,
the new owner of the Huntley Club.

Of course. I know exactly who you are.

- Well, welcome to Emerald Bay.
- Thank you so much.

I heard you were a head-turner.
What an understatement that is.

And I heard you were a charmer.
Guess that's an understatement, too.

I apologize for Frankie.

I know this beach is public and,
honestly, I wish the club was, too.

- But you, you're welcome anytime.
- Thank you very much.

- I'll see you around?
- Yes, you will.

Okay, I get that you have to test
for image stabilization,

but why'd we have to come to the beach?

You know I hate the beach.

Besides, I got to get back
to work at the Huntley.

Well, I'm sorry, man,
but the beach is important, okay? It's...

It's, you know, the wind and the...

Just...

I get it.

- I get it now, okay. I get it.
- Who... What, C.J.?

No, I didn't even know she was
working on the beach today.

"I didn't know C.J. was working."

- Shut up, Dave.
- Hey, Ronnie.

It's Ronnie, right?

What the fuck? Yeah, it's Ronnie.

- I'm Dave.
- Hi, Dave.

- Nice to meet you.
- C.J. How you doing?

I'm doing all right.

You're trying out today, right?

I saw your name on the board. That's how I...

Say... Say something.

Kinda feel like this is your year.

Stop that.

Okay.

Well, I'll see you at tryouts.

All right, C.J.

That was amazing to watch.

She came up to you,
she was very nice and warm.

And you handled it really smoothly.

- Really?
- Fuck, no. That was awkward.

- It was horrible.
- Fuck!

Did you have a stroke?
It felt like you had a stroke.

Hey, I'm Matt Brody.

And not a single fuck was given.

- Hey, Ronnie.
- Hey, Steph.

- Welcome back.
- Thanks.

- Third time's a charm, right?
- Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm...

Hey.

I'm more motivated than ever.

So you just need to fill out this form
and take off your shirt.

My shirt. No, I don't...

No one wants to see that.

Take it off.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Wow. Nice nipple-fros, bro. Damn!

Hey, does anyone have a weed whacker?

We got a comedian on the line.
What's your name, funny guy?

- I'm Zane.
- You're Zane.

Why don't you step out of my line, Zane?

- Okay.
- Okay.

You need to understand one thing,
Zane. We're a family here.

A team. And we support each other.

- You're out.
- Come on, I'm... I'm Zane.

- Get the fuck off my beach.
- Okay. Okay.

So you're going to make me guess your name?

Are you following me?

I was actually just going to
ask you the same thing.

Okay. Look, you're hot.

I may resist for a while,
but we both know eventually I'll give in.

So why don't we just skip that.

Why don't you put a baby in me?

- Now.
- You know, honestly...

I was thinking dinner first.

But we could try the baby thing, if you want.

You are trying. Way too hard.

Trying's the best part.

- Summer.
- Hi.

I was hoping we'd see you here.

I couldn't sleep last night. I am so excited.

Hey, it's your day today, Summer.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hey, fresh face. You here for the qualifiers?

No, no, I'm not trying out.

I'm actually already on the team.

You're already on this team?

I'm Matt Brody. Ready for duty.

"Ready for duty"? Okay.

You got any papers or anything like that?

I do. There you go.

It's a permission slip. Literally.
"Dear Mitch,

"I am pleased to write you
on behalf of Mr. Matt Brody."

- Right. Well, no free passes.
- Yeah.

At all. Yeah, 'cause I don't give a shit.

I legit needed those for my taxes.

What you need is to understand
that if you're going to be on this team,

- you got to earn it.
- Really?

Yeah. So, why don't we
start this whole thing over,

just like gentlemen?

Where you from, One Direction?

Iowa?

- Iowa?
- You heard of it?

Yeah, I know what it is.

- Hey, Steph.
- Hey.

New Kids on the Block here is from Iowa.

Man.

And he says he's already on the team.

- Yeah.
- Doesn't have to try out.

- Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.

Let me ask you this...
A lot of oceans in Iowa?

No, just ponds and lakes
and cocky pretty boys, apparently.

Cocky pretty boys.

Hey, Mitch, what happened to that

last pretty boy recruit we had?

- He died.
- R.I.P.

Are you guys being serious right now?

I honestly can't tell.

You show up here, matching bathing suits.

What is this, "lifeguard hazing"?

I'm Matt Brody.

I hold the world record in the 200 meter.

Two gold medals.

- Hey! Matt Brody.
- Matt Brody.

Yes, yes.

Absolutely. And we still

- don't give a fuck.
- Don't give a fuck.

No, fresh out. Fresh out of fucks. Yeah.

Okay, that ocean out there has riptides
that'll tear your little mangina in two.

My mangina?

So you are being serious.

Dead serious, right now, NSYNC, all right?

This ain't no little
fucking pond out of Iowa.

So with all due respect,

you want to be here
on this team, on our team,

you're gonna have to earn it.

Look, I get it.

You're big, Sasquatch.

But I'm fast.

Really fucking fast.

Which is why somebody important
thinks I belong here.

So when you two figure out who the fuck I am,

you can find me on the beach.

See you.

Did that really just happen?

It did. He slapped me.

Yeah. His hands were soft and supple though,

- like a woman. No offense.
- None taken.

You know what, man? I gotta tell you,

I'm feeling really good about this year.

You know what I'm saying?

Good luck out there, man. Good luck.

Thanks.

And if you need some extra motivation...

- Looking at it right there.
- Hey...

You okay? Help! C.J., help!

My friend is choking! Help!

No, not C.J. Not C.J. No, no!

Are you okay? You're choking.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

- Ronnie.
- You're gonna be just fine.

What?

Thank you!

- Ronnie, are you okay?
- Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah. No, don't touch, don't touch.

Okay.

I'm so good. You did good, good, good work.

Good job. Thank you, you can go now.

Okay, drink some water...

- Thank you so much. Okay.
- ...I guess.

- Dave?
- Yeah.

- How does it look?
- How does what look?

Down there.

- Does not look good at all.
- Yeah, what does it look like?

Looks like your dick is trapped between
two slats of wood.

Okay, I just... Fuck, I can't reach it.

I just need you to get down there
and just pop it out.

No, I can't do that at all.

Come on, I just need you...
You grab that dick

- and you push it out.
- No, no.

Okay. Hi.

I'm going to help you.

We're going to deflate
the situation together. Okay?

- Okay.
- Focus.

Think about things that turn you off.

Maybe like... Like your grandma's underwear?

- Not working.
- No? Okay, cool.

- Maybe, like...
- Ostriches.

- Guys, still stuck.
- Mitch, hey, need you.

No, no, not Mitch. Don't bring Mitch over.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mitch is here.

Ronnie, you pumped
about the qualifiers, buddy?

You know it, man. I'm just... I'm really...

Really excited to quit
my double major in robotics

and computer science and really,
really do something with my life.

You don't need to look down there.

Do not touch me right now.

- Not even touching you.
- Okay.

Okay.

Looks like you got
your beef and your biscuits

stuck down there.

It's gonna be okay.
I've been through it, too.

- Not a big deal.
- Really?

Yeah, absolutely.
I was stuck in a woman for hours once.

Couldn't get out.

- Totally the same, yeah?
- It's the same thing.

Stuck junk is stuck junk.

Stuck junk is stuck junk. Okay.

All right, buddy, we're gonna have to
flash-freeze your johnson.

No, no, it's okay, it's okay, I got it.

Look, it's okay.

- Oh, my God.
- Nope. Still stuck.

I mean, if you think about it,
it's a good thing, right?

Congratulations.

Hey, how you feeling, sport?

Better, but could we get

some sort of perimeter going for the crowd?

Nah. Nobody's looking. Just us.

God, you're lying. That's a lot of people.

Mitch, I can't get the swelling to go down.

All right.

We're going to have to pull it out.

- Pull it?
- Yeah.

- Just like pulling a tooth.
- What?

Don't you touch my dick!

I'm okay.

Ronnie, are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'm proud of you, Ronnie.

Fuck you, Dave. You're my worst friend.

Captain, I need to talk to you about this...

Yeah, Mitch. Look, you're just in time.

I want you to watch something.

Check this out.

Matt Brody, U.S. swimmer, sex symbol
and adrenaline junkie.

How do I define myself?

80% trill and 30% dope.

People think I'm crazy,
that I'm out of control.

How do you think I got all this gold?

"Crazy and out of control"

may have worked for his individual events,

but when it came to the relay,
Brody blew it for the team.

USA is in the lead for the team relay
and Brody's in the water to anchor.

Oh, my God!

Looks like he just vomited in the pool.

After a night of partying in Rio
led to a streak of bad luck in the pool,

Brody was dubbed the "Vomit Comet."

How do you feel about losing
a medal for your teammates?

There's no "I" in "team."

But there is a "me."

Are you dyslexic?

I'm Caucasian.

This is the guy you think
is a good PR opportunity for us?

Right?

He's reckless, he's insubordinate. Come on.

Which is why we can afford him.

Come on, Mitch.

The guy's only here
because he took a plea deal.

A plea deal?

For what?

The specifics aren't important.

What's important is that
we are his community service.

Come on. He's a train wreck.

With two gold medals.

How many gold medals do you have?

Probably zero. Okay?

Brody is an American hero with
the face of a Swedish model.

You're losing me.

He's one of the best swimmers
in the whole world.

There's more to this job than just swimming.

- You know that.
- Yeah, there's also politics.

Now, look, Mitch, let's be honest.

We're staring into the abyss here.

City council's already cut our funding again.

What the council wants and what the bay needs

are two different things.

I found more flakka this morning.

Clearly, we have new dealers in the bay.

And this shit is like bath salts on meth.

Flakka?

Good work, Mitch.

I'll turn this over to the police.

Hey, look. This new guy of yours?
He's not ready for this kind of trouble.

He doesn't need to be,
and neither do you. Okay?

It's not your job.

It's the busiest time of the year.

I need you out there shining for me.

- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes!

But he's got to pass qualifiers first.

- You got it.
- Which should be easy

considering he's the
"best swimmer in the world."

Right?

Good afternoon, Councilman.

- Good afternoon.
- So, how is our progress?

Most of the council
has signed off on your terms.

Good.

And the rest are almost there.

"Almost"?

Councilman,

you seem like the kind of man
who knows how to seize an opportunity.

Me, too.

Back home, my younger brother
was given the family business to run

when clearly I had the business gene.

Why? Because I'm a woman.

So I came to America,

the Land of Opportunity,
because everything is fair here.

But who's to say anymore?

I have a point to prove, Councilman.

And I'm here to create
an opportunity for you.

I'm sure they'll come around.

I'm sure they will, too.

Why does she always look like
she's running in slo-mo?

You see it, too?

She always looks wet. But not too wet.

Right.

She's the reason I believe in God.

Hey, how's your dick?

It's good, you know...

It's better, you know...

It's just ready for action.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

I got my dick stuck in a chair earlier.

- What? You did?
- Yeah.

You haven't heard about this?

Yeah, I heard. Everybody's heard.

All right. Welcome, everybody.

You know, Baywatch proudly accepts
only one new recruit every year.

But the good news for you

is that this year,
we've got three open spots.

Now without further ado,
I'd like to turn it over to the man

who has 500 career saves.

Give it up for Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon.

All right, thank you. Thank you.

Baywatch is the elite of the elite.

Our team's commitment to
protecting the bay at all costs

is the reason why the single mom behind me

feels very comfortable
letting her two kids run

right into the water unaccompanied.

Thanks, Mitch. That's right.

And Baywatch works because we follow rules.

We follow rules because
if we don't, people die.

You work in an office

and you doze off at your desk
one day, no big deal.

You slack off here... Say it with me...

People die.

So here's the thing,
if you've come to Baywatch

on your little motorcycle,
thinking you're cool,

trying to work on your killer tan...

Well, you need to find
another beach to go to.

But if you've come to sacrifice

for something much bigger than yourself,

this is the beach for you.

But you're gonna have to
get through this first. C. J.?

Yeah, C.J.!

There are tons of qualities
that make a great lifeguard.

Today, we're gonna test all of them

in a grueling obstacle course we like to call

"The Absentee Father."

He's tough. Brutal, even.

His presence in your life
is brief, but it will scar you

and instill a toughness in you
that will carry you through birthdays,

Christmases and even
"Bring Your Dad To School Day"

when your mom has to put on a fake moustache

just so you can fit in with the other kids.

All right.

Thank you, C. J.

Thank you.

So get out there, kick ass and make us proud.

Go, Baywatch.

On your mark.

Get set!

This is Baywatch, people!

- Kick those legs!
- Let's go!

- Come on, let's go!
- Listen to what she's saying.

Keep it going! Keep it going!

You are guppies!

One day you will be sharks!

Pick it up, folks. Move those legs!

Who's your daddy now?

Come on, guys!

Come on, guys! Let's go!

Hustle, hustle, hustle!

Let's go! You got this! Come on!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Up and over!

Let's go, come on! Way to hustle!
Come on, you're almost there!

Kid's really got no quit in him.

Attaboy, Ronnie! Great job!

Great!

Fuck.

You know, you wanna be on our team,

you're gonna have to pass this course.

- We all do.
- Look. Mitch, right?

- Lieutenant to you.
- "Lieutenant"?

Like in the army?

Let me save you some time. Okay?

You're not gonna be my big brother here
and put me on the right path.

It doesn't work like that.

I got where I am today completely by myself.

So how about you let me do my job,

and I'll tell you where to send my checks?

You know, sharks always swim slowly.

Until they need to attack.

Thank you for that cryptic

and totally irrelevant piece of information.

What are you, Aquaman?

'Cause I'm really confused
with what we've been talking about.

Come on, Gold Medal.

You afraid I'm gonna kick
your Little Mermaid ass

all over this course
in front of all these people?

I mean, now you're gonna have to beat me

on the big boy's course, princess.

Well, that was cute.

- Probably in record time.
- Yeah?

The problem is, that's not the course.

That's not the course?

So here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go over to the real course,
and if you beat me over there,

not only are you on the team,

but I won't fuck with you anymore

and I'll call you by your real name.

Really?

Yeah!

Refrigerators?

...98, 99, 100!

That was bullshit, Mitch.

You know I was already gassed.

Because you were showboating.
You want to be a lifeguard,

you gotta learn to conserve your energy.

Conserve my energy?

No!

Help! My kids!

Lifeguard Tower One!

Help!

Look out! Look out!

We're on the go!

Come on, move!

Yo, move!

Watch it! Move, move, move!

Hey, look out!

Lady, get out of the way!

- My kids!
- Ma'am, everything's okay.

I'm here to save you. My name is Matt Brody.

- Somebody help!
- Ma'am, stop it!

I can't save you if you're being a dick!

- Where are the other two?
- "Other two"?

Shit.

- Here you go. Here you go.
- Okay.

Take him.

You're okay.

Come on.

Breathe for me. Come on, big man.

Come on.

We'll set you down right here.

Good. Let's get you over. Attaboy.

- Brody, stop!
- One, two, three...

- Brody, stop!
- What? Why?

Her airway's blocked.

- Okay, breathe.
- C.J., she good?

- Steph, how is she?
- She's all right.

You're gonna be good.

Give me some.

Let's get you to your mom.

All right, guys. Hey, listen up.

We want to thank you for
a great year of qualifiers.

For those of you who don't
go on and become trainees,

we wanna thank you,
we expect to see you next year.

To the trainees who made it, congratulations.

Oh, my God. I made it.

I made it! Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.

You don't ever have to thank me.

You did this one on your own.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

What the fuck? That's my name.

That's my name!

Holy shit!

I made it onto...

Wait. Do not tell me that I'm the tech guy.

No!

No, I chose you because you have heart,

no quit and you leave it all
out on the beach.

- Thanks, Mitch.
- Congratulations.

Hey, High School Musical.

You were reckless out there.

Completely destroyed
a motorcycle, which you stole.

I didn't steal that.

I commandeered it, okay?

Because it was faster
and clearly had insurance.

And by the way,

the lady that I saved,
she didn't seem to mind.

Let me tell you something, man,

the rescues don't mean a thing

if you put other people in danger. Okay?

Now, I get it, you're fast, you're fearless.

And I have to make you a trainee, butterfly,

but you got a lot to learn.

All right. Thank you, Lieutenant.

All right, listen up!

Training begins at 0600.

Hot Wheels,
I'll see you back here in the morning.

Sure thing, Lieutenant.

Welcome to Baywatch.

All right.

Hey, I'm so glad I caught you all.

I don't mean to interrupt,

but everyone on the beach
is talking about you guys.

Thank you.

Brody, that save sounds incredible.

Impulsive, but incredible.

Appreciate it. See that?

We're just doing our jobs.

Hey, guys, this is Victoria Leeds,
the new owner of the Huntley Club.

- Hey. How you doing?
- Hey.

Well, I just wanted to invite all of you

to the Huntley. We're having an open house.

It's a kind of "meet the neighbors" thing.

Look, I know that the club's kind of "fancy"

and probably not your scene,

but you have a standing invitation.

Thank you. We'll keep that in mind.

- I'll see you there?
- See you then.

Let's go, Frankie.

Brody?

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

Nothing. I was just...

You know, stargazing.

Under a pier?

Yeah. That way.

Look, you're on the team,

and I don't want anyone on the team
sleeping outside, so...

Yeah, come on.
You're coming with me. Let's go.

Brody, let's go,
I don't want to wait for you. Come on.

Thank you again, so much.

Really embarrassed.

Yeah, no, it's totally cool.
Don't worry about it.

I forgot something in my car.

Just... Just knock.

You sure Stephanie won't mind? It's cool?

It's cool. She won't mind at all.

Thank you so much.

This is really cool of you guys.

No problem.

What the fuck?

- 'Sup.
- Hey.

This is your house, isn't it?

Yeah, this is... It's my house.

Yeah.

I assume you need a place to crash.

- Yeah.
- Come on in.

Just like C.J., always picking up strays.

Quit looking at Little Mitch! It's creepy.

Come and see where you're gonna crash.

There's your cot.

Don't jack off on my sheets.

Don't.

I can't find my hermit crab.

I think he ran out earlier today.

He's got short legs,
but he's got a fast walk, so,

if you'd keep eyes open, I'd appreciate that.

I will start combing the beach
first thing at sunup.

This is Echo Bravo 153. Go ahead.

Fuck it. Mitch, can I please
turn the C.B. off in my room?

Jonas Brother, listen to me.

Get your beauty rest.

We're starting bright and early tomorrow.

How was your first riptide?

It stings!

That's just the lactic acid.

Actually, it's the jellyfish stuck to you.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God!

One, two, three. Cross.

One, two, three.

Keep your hands up. One, two, duck! Again.

One, two, duck!

Nice!

What you doing there, killer?

I don't know.

- I don't know.
- Okay.

Honestly, I don't even know
what I'm doing here.

Mitch sees something in you.

And I see it, too. I do.

I really do.

What?

What?

Very important lesson.

That is the Devil's Urchin.

One prick out of that thing

will give you enough adrenaline
to choke out a pissed-off bull.

The only problem is, after that,

you say some crazy-ass shit,
and then you fucking die.

Now pick that up and take it to Tower One.

So these are just like
laying around everywhere?

Do you want me to help you?

Okay, look, let's just be honest, all right?

I mean, we've lost him.

- No, it's not your fault.
- No, Ted.

Not my boy Ted.

- Why, why, Ted?
- Why you, Ted?

Why?

Don't you do this to me, Ted!
Don't you do this!

Okay, no. But, seriously, I got to help you

because you are gonna kill
someone with that technique.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right. Okay. Ready?

Wait, Summer, do you
have time to study later?

Yeah.

Did you just look at my boobs?

I... Was not my intention.

I didn't stare directly at them.

You're looking at them right now.

Now I did.

'Cause you're talking about them.

Testing. Failed.

Oh, my God. Well, we're gonna be

- in swimsuits a lot, so...
- Yeah.

If it's gonna be a problem for you...

There's not a problem for me.

- At all. Cool.
- Yeah.

All right. You just looked at them again.

- No, I didn't. I was... I didn't...
- Yeah, you did.

Well, when you point them out like that...

It's a compliment
if you think about it, sort of.

Victoria.

I'm gonna need more time.

Do I strike you as
a patient woman, Councilman?

No, no, I got the council
to sign off on your real estate proposal.

Just some property owners
won't give approval.

But I'm working on it.

Yeah, well, you just ran out of time.

Leon, would you show Mr. Rodriguez
what we do to people who don't deliver?

I know you're dealing flakka,

which is gonna drive down
real estate prices in the bay,

right? Right?

So if anything happens to me,
I will expose you.

And then you'll never get your approvals.

Such accusations.

I'm not a Bond villain.

Well, yet.

You're in politics.

You know that no one can
claw their way to the top

without getting a little dirt
under their fingernails.

Clearly, I overestimated you.

But calling me a drug dealer...

It's so much bigger than that, you know?

- I...
- Leon...

Teach him some manners.

Have fun, boys.

I agree with...

I overstepped.

I overstepped, Victoria.

Guys, we can talk about this.

Leon doesn't talk. He's a man of action.

- There's a purity to that.
- I'm going to kill you.

Damn it. You do that every time.

I build you up,
and then you ruin the mystique.

- See something you like?
- Jesus Christ.

You... You got me.

You're gonna be cool
and go talk to her like a real man,

or you gonna stand up here
and be Creepy Creeperton

through the binoculars?

Look, man, I'm fine in that department,

- so don't worry about me.
- Yeah.

I'm sure your approach to women
is Snapchatting a dick pic or two.

Don't ever do that.

A lot of people screenshot them nowadays.

Yeah. If it leaks on the Internet,
it's terrible.

Hola? Is anyone there?

This is Baywatch.
What is your emergency? Over.

Please help!

Please help! My friends and I are on a boat.

We are lost...

We are lost... and there's fire everywhere!

What is your position? Over.

Gringa, my position is the ocean.

I can't feel my face!

Okay, call Coast Guard. We got a 10-73.

- I'm gonna take the WaveRunner.
- "10-73"?

You and C.J. take Rescue One.

- Go, go, go!
- Rescue One, ASAP.

Hold up! Wait, what, what? What are we doing?

Shit.

- Summer? What's a 10-73?
- Fire!

"Fire"? What does that mean? In the ocean?

You need to start studying!

Yeah, I know. Got it. I'm there.

See you out there.

- Come on. Let's go.
- I'm coming!

- If you're comin', hurry up.
- Where's mine?

You don't get one.

Come on. Quit screwing around!

- Could you wait for me?
- Come on.

God damn it, let's go.

Go, go, go!

Lock your arms around my waist
or you're gonna fucking fall off again!

- This is so awkward, dude.
- Hold on. Hold on.

How many buckets of lotion do you wear a day?

You're like a greasy, hairless gorilla.

Don't worry, guys! I got it.

I'll take care of... If the fire spreads...

All right, I need you to take the throttle.

That's impossible.

Go between my arms
and take the fucking throttle!

Holy shit.

When I say so, hard right turn.

- What?
- Three.

- Two. One. Go!
- Shit, man. I don't know.

Thank God.

Are you the fire water man?

Tell me, where are your friends?

- I don't know.
- Okay. You stay right here.

- Don't move. Okay?
- Okay.

Help!

Down here!

Is anyone there?

I hear you!

Get to the front of the boat! We're coming!

Help!

Help me!

Mitch!

Portside.

Over here!

- In the front!
- Fuck.

There's a girl trapped
in the front of the boat!

There's too much fire!

No way.

C.J.!

Okay, guapo.

If you want me, you can have me.

But rĂ¡pido because the boat is on fire.

- Some other time.
- No...

Are you all right? Can you hear me?

No, I'm not okay!

Help! Please!

Help! In here!

Do not go under that fire, Brody!

Wait!

In here!

Please! Help!

- Oh, my God!
- Take my hand.

Trust me.

- Are you hurt?
- No. I'm okay.

- Good. Hang on.
- What?

C.J.!

Portside!

Miss, are you okay?

Can you help me?

Are you all right? Are you hurt?

Brody!

Are you okay?

That was such a great plan,

just to see fire and just swim right into it.

You care about me.

I care about you.

Get off that boat, Mitch.

...eight, nine, ten.

Come on.

Hey, other than him, we did good, right?

Like, we saved everyone.

Yes, including you.

I know that.

I'm just saying, all things considered,
things could've gone a lot worse.

Come on!

Is he going to be okay?

Do you know what happened to the Councilman?

No, I don't know.

We were partying,

and then when we came upstairs,
the boat was already on fire.

You disobeyed an order out there,
put yourself in danger.

You can't save anyone if you die.

Yeah, I know. I messed up. Okay?

I'm just... What are we still doing here?

- Just write this down.
- Can we just go?

Victim is male, five foot nine...

Hey, hey, hey. Get back right now.
Do not contaminate

my crime scene.

Come on, Ellerbee.

Don't give me any of that jurisdiction shit.

No, I won't, because technically,
you don't have a jurisdiction, lifeguard.

You got one job, make sure
swim-happy white people don't drown.

Technically, that boat out there
is the Coast Guard's jurisdiction. Okay?

And if I would've waited for them,
all these girls would be dead.

- What?
- We would have died?

- Burned to a crisp.
- I'm not ready to die!

I know. It's okay, you're not.

So technically, we saved lives.

Technically, I see a dead body,

which technically makes this a crime scene.

Hey, technically, these "technicallys"
are wasting a lot of time, technically.

Thank you, blue-eyed demon.

And as far as this dead body goes, look.

Badge on a uniform.

Patch on a swimsuit.

Lieutenant. Beat cop.

So keep us informed

of the investigation
and we're gonna do the same.

All right. Hey, how do I keep in touch?

Seashell phone,

or do I just blow into the conch
and you appear?

That's the spirit, Ellerbee.

Just call me on the shell phone.
That's all you gotta do.

I'll tell you this, if you crack this case,

they're gonna upgrade you to a Segway

and they're gonna give you
big-boy pants to wear,

cover up those chicken legs.

- Christ, that's