Batman: Bad Blood (2016) - full transcript

This yacht is bringing a revolutionary
scientific invention to Gotham City.

On a peaceful motor ride,
millionaire Bruce Wayne...

... and his ward, Dick Grayson,
have been summoned to Wayne Manor...

... by an urgent but anonymous
call for help.

The invention and its custodian
are reported in grave danger...

... aboard the yacht.

Never ones to shirk responsibility...

... Bruce and Dick, with
characteristic speed and resolve...

... descend promptly to the Batcave.

And then, as they have done many times before...

... as Batman and Robin,
courageous warriors against crime...



... they are off, once again,
to the rescue.

Batteries to power.
Turbines to speed.

Roger. Ready to move out.

Batmobile to airport, red alert.
Prepare Batcopter for takeoff.

Batmobile approaching.

Red Alert! Gotham Tower to all
aircraft in the control zone.

Enter your holding pattern.
Batcopter cleared for takeoff.

It's good to know
they're up there doing their job.

Batdrift angle: 03 to starboard.

Roger. Correcting to port.

Altitude: 317. Sink rate: 0.49.

- Drop Bat ladder.
- Bat ladder away.

Lock computer on afterdeck.
Set automatic Bathold.

Watch out. This could be tricky.



Have no fear. I'll keep all my wits
about me. So long, for a minute.

Batman to Robin, ease off on the power!

Increase sink rate!

Roger! Wilco!

Take her up!

Holy sardine!

Hand me down
the shark-repellent Bat spray!

- Enough pictures.
- This press conference must be brief.

- You're lucky they'll talk to you.
- Mr. Merrick of The Gotham City Times.

A yacht approaching the city
is said to have disappeared.

- Nonsense. How can a yacht disappear?
- It isn't true?

I stand on my answer.
Mr. Stanley of The Globe.

This yacht belonged
to the famous Big Ben Distilleries.

Isn't the proprietor, Commodore Schmidlapp...

...bringing a new invention
from Big Ben's lab?

- No more questions about that ship.
- What about that shark?

An unfortunate animal who chanced
to swallow a floating mine.

I wouldn't worry about that.
You there, Miss...

Comrade Kitanya Irenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff.

From The Moscow Bugle.

You grace us with your presence.
May I be of service?

Please, take off the mask
to give the better picture.

- Batman take off his mask?
- The woman must be mad.

Please, Chief O'Hara, all of you.

This young lady is a stranger.
Her request is not unnatural...

...however, impossible to grant.

- Impossible?
- Indeed.

If we were to remove our masks,
our true identities would be revealed.

- Ruining their value as crime fighters.
- Not even we know who they are.

In fact, our own relatives don't know.

But your so curious costumes...

Don't be put off by them.
Under this we're ordinary Americans.

You're like the masked vigilantes
in the Westerns?

Batman and Robin are
deputized agents of the law!

- "Support your police" is our message.
- Well said, Robin.

And no better way to end this conference.

- Thank you and good day.
- Batman...

Never mind, everybody out.
Come on, we're all busy here.

A fine job. You allayed their fears.

If I'd told the truth,
panic would grip the city.

The truth. And what is the truth?

A decoy. An anonymous warning...

...that Schmidlapp's in danger,
to lure me into a trap.

An attempt on his life.

While they were luring you to a watery grave...

...the yacht was being hijacked?

- Precisely!
- And who behind it?

What known super criminals are at large now?

I'll check at once, Batman.

Let's have the latest status report
on criminals at large. Thank you.

Coming up on
the closed-circuit TV screen.

Status report. Known super criminals
not currently imprisoned.

The Penguin.

That pompous waddling master of foul play.

- The Joker!
- Devilish clown prince of crime!

If I had a nickel for every time he baffled us!

The Riddler loose too?

So it seems.
To plague us with his conundrums.

- Gosh, and the Catwoman!
- End of status report.

Could be any one of them, but which one?

Which ones?

Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder.

- Where there's a fish, there's Penguin.
- Wait! It happened at sea.

See? "C" for Catwoman!

Yet, that exploding shark was pulling my leg.

- The Joker!
- It all adds up to a sinister riddle.

Riddle-er. Riddler?

A thought strikes me.

So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance.

The four of them.
Their forces combined.

- Holy nightmare!
- Batman, could it be?

I don't know.

But I think I know where to find a clue.

Robin, to the Batcave!
We haven't one moment to lose!

Ahoy, Catwoman.

How many times have I told you?
Never use my real name in public!

You and your trained exploding shark!

How should I know they'd have a can...

...of shark-repellent Bat spray?
You sniveling sardine!

You pompous puffed-up penguin!

Friends, make peace.
Have a shake on me.

A joke a day keeps the gloom away!

Sic them, Hecate, scratch out their eyes.

- Take away that ravenous panther!
- I'll feed him to the birds.

I'll incapacitate it with my trick confetti!

"United Underworld."
We're about as united...

...as the members
of the United World headquarters.

- What's the matter with you all?
- She's right.

If we don't manage to swallow
our super-criminal pride...

Right, Mr. Riddler, quite right!

We must hang together,
or we shall hang separately.

What a pity that would be on the eve
of the greatest criminal coup ever!

- How did it go, Catwoman?
- Purr-fectly. Purr-fectly.

In my disguise as Kitka,
I penetrated their press conference.

- The fools are completely baffled.
- But undrowned.

Yes, unfortunately.

Batman's boots didn't even look damp!

Our prisoner still doesn't know he's kidnapped?

He hasn't the foggiest.
He just keeps ringing for his tea.

- There he goes again.
- Take it to him, man.

Come in.

Your tea, commodore.

Thank you, steward.
Good service aboard this yacht.

We strive to give satisfaction, sir.

Your face has the most ghastly pallor.

Are you getting enough sea air?

My duties keep me mostly undercover.

Too bad, too bad.

How much longer will this yacht
be fogbound off the Grand Banks?

I couldn't say, sir.

Well, gives me a chance
to catch up on my Dickens.

Still, I'd like to get to Gotham City.

I've a clever invention
with me, stored in the hold.

Should be worth
millions of dollars, pip-pip!

Well, pip-pip to you, sir! If you
wish anything further, just ring!

Schmidlapp's invention in our hands...

...the whole world almost literally
in our grasp!

And Batman and Robin still alive to block us.

Everything pip-pip with the prisoner!
He hasn't a clue.

- I bet the Dynamic Duo has.
- What?

A clue on how we made that ship disappear.

- And when they solve it...
- They'll be out to investigate.

But we'll be there first.
If we hurry, that is.

Catwoman, you tend to this headquarters.

- Attention, you unfathomable finks!
- Yo-ho!

Call down to
our secret river-bottom dock.

- Prepare our submarine for sea.
- Yo-ho!

- Yo-ho what?
- Sir!

Holy Merlin magician!
Get set for a shock.

The Batcamera was aimed at the yacht.

- My strange hunch was right.
- I don't get it...

Think! As you remarked,
no one can make...

...a seagoing vessel
simply disappear.

Provided it was ever really there at all.

- You mean...?
- Precisely!

The yacht we thought we saw was a mere illusion.

A tricky projection akin
to the common desert mirage.

It deceived our naked eyes...

...but was blocked
by the Batcamera's Batfilter!

I know where that projection came from.

- Observe that bell buoy.
- What about it?

The coordinates of our position
were 10.3 by 69-B.

Feed those figures into
the navigational aid computer.

No legal bell buoy at that position.

As I surmised, an illegal projection
buoy cleverly camouflaged.

Maybe the crooks left fingerprints!

Good thinking, let's find out.
To the Batboat, fast!

One thing I don't dig, Batman.

If that ship was a mirage, where's the real one?

Taken to some secret island hideaway
with every soul aboard, save one.

- Commodore Schmidlapp?
- Precisely.

For some reason the hijackers needed him...

...or his invention
as part of their criminal scheme.

Keep an eye on the scope.
Watch for suspicious vessels.

It looks like we've got
the whole ocean to ourselves.

Diving planes, Mr. Bluebeard,
three degrees.

Hoist three degrees.

I hope you know what you're doing, Penguin.

Mr. Riddler, I ignore
your insipid insinuation, sir!

Mr. Joker, you're leaning
on the control!

Don't sound so bossy, if you please!

As the poet says:

"On land, you may command.
At sea, it is me!"

Now hear this. This is your captain
speaking, my fine pinioned pirates.

We're approaching the buoy.
There may be skullduggery ahead!

- Yo-ho!
- What? What?

Unidentified small craft, bearing 113.

Mr. Bluebeard, hold her steady!
Up periscope!

Great quivering icebergs!
Just as I hoped.

Watch your step.

An underwater shark cage.
The source of that fish.

What cruelty!
Stuffing a poor shark with deadly TNT!

Nothing's sacred to those devils.

Torpedoes! What are we waiting for?

Chain of command, Mr. Riddler.
The Penguin runs the ship.

Now hear this, Mr. Joker.
Load the torpedo tubes!

Load torpedo tubes!

Salt and corrosion.

The infamous old enemies of
the crime fighter. No prints here.

Look here, Batman.

That tricky mirage projector
must be behind this plate.

Wow! What a set of superpower lenses!
No wonder we were fooled.

Look, Robin.

Holy Long John Silver!
A pirate periscope!

He spotted us! Set torpedoes
to automatic homing.

Set torpedoes to automatic homing!

You crazy bird.
Fire them off, quickly!

Activate the remote control
Penguin magnet inside that buoy.

Holy glue pot! What's going on?

The fiends! They've converted
this buoy into a gigantic magnet!

It's got us by the metallic objects
in our utility belts.

Torpedo tubes armed!

Batman! We're helpless
in this monstrous, invisible grip!

- Steady, Robin. I see one hope.
- What, Batman?

If I could just pry loose
my utility belt transmitter!

- Mr. Joker, are you ready to fire?
- Yo-ho, ready to fire!

Five, four, three, two.

- Fire 1!
- Fire 1!

Torpedoes!

If I can just reverse the polarity,
send out waves of super energy.

- What happened?
- Mr. Joker, fire 2!

Fire 2!

Here comes another one!

You and your reconditioned surplus torpedoes!

He must be using a super energy
reverse polarizer! Mr. Joker, fire 3!

Fire 3!

Here comes a third one!

Confound it, the batteries are dead!

This one's getting through!

It is. It's getting through.

Surface, Mr. Bluebeard!

Let us feast our eyes on the watery remains!

Gosh, the nobility
of the almost-human porpoise.

True, Robin.
It was noble of that animal...

...to hurl himself into
the path of that torpedo.

He gave his life for ours.

Operator, give me the Pentagon, Navy department.

Too bad.

Admiral Fangschliester's office.

Hello, Batman speaking.

- Who is it?
- Batman.

Oh, Batman.

Hello, Batman. Ahoy!
What can I do for you?

Hello, admiral.
A routine question.

Have you recently sold surplus
submarines? If so, to whom?

Just a moment, I'll have to look that up.

Keep practicing.

Answer: Affirmative. We disposed
of a surplus submarine on Friday.

A pre-atomic model.
To some chap named P.N. Gwynne.

- P.N. Gwynne?
- The Penguin!

Did this P.N. Gwynne leave an address?

Just a post office box number.
Would you like it?

No, thank you, admiral.
You've been very helpful.

Your tone sounds grim.
We haven't done anything foolish?

Disposing of submarines to persons
who don't even leave their addresses?

- Good day, admiral.
- Gosh!

The Penguin in command
of a pre-atomic submarine!

- Grave situation, Robin.
- If only we knew what he was up to!

Holy Polaris!

From that submarine, no doubt.

That missile, it's written something.

A riddle, in the form of a joke!

Let's race back to headquarters.
You know what this means, don't you?

Our fear is confirmed. Penguin,
Joker, Riddler, their forces combined.

- Heaven only knows the objective!
- It may be worse.

- Saints alive, how can that be?
- Look at this pair of riddles.

"What does a turkey do
when he flies upside down?"

- He gobbles up.
- And number two.

"What weighs 6 ounces,
sits in a tree and is dangerous?"

- A sparrow with a machine gun.
- Of course.

Now, combine both answers.

What kind of creature would
gobble up a bird in a tree?

Heaven protect us, a cat!

Yes, the criminal catalyst
in this entire affair...

...our old archenemy, Catwoman.

Penguin, Joker, Riddler and Catwoman too!

The sum of the angles
of that rectangle is monstrous.

We've been given warning.
They work to take over...

- Gotham City?
- Any two of them might try that!

- The whole country?
- If it were three, I'd say yes.

But four?
Their minimum objective must be...

...the entire world.

The United World building,
dear comrades in crime.

Our objective, the Security Council.

Sitting like fat birds in a tree
just waiting to be snatched.

And you bungled it!
The Dynamic Duo escaped our trap!

Passing porpoises which intercept torpedoes!

There ought to be a piscatorial statute!

Time is short! We've got
to get Batman before he gets us.

I could lure him into
a giant exploding octopus...

After one of your fishy explosions,
they're still in one piece.

I suppose they'll be broken up
by your moldy jokes!

Shut up, all of you!
I see the way to do it.

We'll play each of our treacherous
trumps in one hand.

And we'll do it right here!

- How?
- How?

The end.

The end of...

We shall spring them from
the Joker's jack-in-the-box...

...through that window,
out over the sea...

...and into the waiting arms
of the Penguin's exploding octopus!

The trigger? One of my riddles.

And the bait? You, Catwoman.

You're mad.
The minute Batman spots her...

...he'll bop her with a Batarang.

You don't understand.
She will be disguised as Kitka.

And as Kitka, she shall lure
some millionaire into a kidnap trap.

Of course!
With a clever clue pointing here.

- Batman will race to the rescue.
- Capital!

But who are we going to kidnap?

I know the perfect victim.

I know the perfect victim! I know!

Bruce Wayne, the millionaire head...

...of that disgusting do-gooding
Wayne Foundation.

Delicious! Just the sort of square
citizen Batman will dash to rescue.

- Then snap!
- Into the combination trap.

Purr-fect, Riddler, purr-fect.

Comrade Wayne? My name is Kitanya
Irenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff.

I'm from The Moscow Bugle.
My friends call me Kitka.

Kitka. Kitka, a charming acronym.

Thank you, Comrade Wayne.

The Wayne Foundation is known
from Leningrad to Kamchatka.

It works for peace and understanding.

Your picture has appeared
countless times in The Moscow Bugle.

I'm most grateful, I wasn't aware of that.

You found these riddles on Wayne
Foundation stationery under your door?

Yes, Comrade Wayne.
That's why I brought them to you.

I thought it was some foolishness,
then I remembered:

Is there not a bourgeois criminal cad...

...the Riddler,
who preys upon the workers?

Your jargon is quaint, Miss Kitka.

But there is such a creature.

What do we do now? Report
these riddles to your police...

...or perhaps
to that Cossack Batman?

That's hardly necessary at the moment.

Doubtless it's the work of some harmless crank.

Nevertheless, shall we give
this matter further consideration...

...over dinner tonight?

What a purr-fectly lovely idea.

I'll telephone to cancel a previous engagement.

Alfred will see you to the door.

Do vechera.

Do vechera, Comrade Wayne.

Alfred, see Miss Kitka out, please.
Meet me in the Batcave. Emergency.

Very good, sir.

Listen to these riddles.
Tell me if you interpret them as I do.

- "What has yellow skin and writes?"
- A ballpoint banana.

Right. "What people are
always in a hurry?"

Rushing people? Russians!

Right again.
What would you say they mean?

Banana, Russian...

A Russian will slip on a banana peel
and break their neck!

Precisely, the only possible meaning.

- A clear threat to Miss Kitka's life.
- Who?

Miss Kitka, the charming Russian
journalist for The Moscow Bugle.

In some way she must have unwittingly
stumbled on the criminals' plot!

What is the scheme?

Tonight Bruce Wayne will go out
on the town with Miss Kitka.

- A not displeasing chore.
- Indeed.

I've rarely met a girl...

...who's a potent argument
in favor of international relations.

You will dog our footsteps in the Batmobile.

You'll keep watch via the Batscanner.

- If the Riddler tries to make good...
- I'll bash him brutally.

Then we close in with the police.

- Got your driver's license?
- In my wallet.

Good man. Drive carefully. Good luck!
This may be a memorable night.

This curtain which separates
our countries is so foolish.

If we could just contrive...

...some way of getting more
deeply involved with each other.

Da, we must search for such a method.

It's wrong to listen to this.

Some things have to be private,
even for a crime fighter.

Your discretion is admirable, Master Robin, yes.

- Time for another check-in.
- Roger.

- Commissioner.
- Yes?

- Yes, Boy Wonder.
- Batmobile position:

Gotham Park, proceeding south on West Drive.

About to pass Benedict Arnold monument.

Still in the park? It's been
almost an hour. What are they doing?

No comment, commissioner. Let's just
say, no sign of criminal activity.

Yes, I understand.

I've just thought of a clever ruse.

Have Chief O'Hara flash the Batsignal.

If you say so, but why?

The crooks will think
we're racing to headquarters.

Thinking we're out of the way,
they might strike at Miss Kitka!

Devilishly clever!

- Thank you. Batmobile over and out.
- Right.

- Chief O'Hara, flash the Batsignal.
- Yes, sir.

Shades of Smolensk, what is that?

Incredible, I don't...

- Of course! How clever.
- Clever, Comrade Wayne?

I mean, clever device, Miss Kitka.

It's the Batsignal,
from the roof of police headquarters.

Batman must be racing there in response.

Then you did get the police
to call them in for my protection.

Yes, yes.

How purr-fectly wonderful of you!

I close my eyes and I dream
of those savage Cossacks...

...racing over the steps
on their mission.

How strange.

I close my eyes, and I dream of something...

...quite astonishingly different.

Keep your eyes closed.
Continue with this dream.

The dream continues.

It approaches a climax.

Not so fast. Be more slow.

Miss Kitka?

May I see you home to that penthouse apartment?

- He swallowed the Catbait!
- And now to make him Batbait.

Finks, Morgan, Bluebeard, Quetch,
the jetpack umbrellas!

I'll slip into something more comfortable...

...while your cocoa is warming.

Is that prudent?
Our instructions were to keep watch.

I don't know about prudent.
But it's the only decent thing to do.

Perhaps. Yes, yes.

There it is, 73rd Street and Concord Avenue.

Follow me down to the terrace.

And all my days are trances
And all my nightly dreams

Are where thy dark eye glances

And where thy footstep gleams

Edgar Allan Poe, Miss Kitka.

"To One in Paradise," first stanza.

About that dream you had...

- Do we dare?
- Why not?

Yes, of course. Why not?

Of what use is a dream if not
a blueprint for courageous action?

Into action, comrade.

Miss Kitka, I have the strangest feeling...

...that I am about to be utterly
and madly carried away.

- This is a kidnapping!
- Our joke's on you!

You filthy criminals!

- Much as one deplores indiscretion...
- Right.

I'll just take one tiny, tiny peek.

- Holy demolition!
- Bless my dustpan!

Cover the exits.
I'll race up with my Batrope!

Holy Halloween!

Strange, Batman should've been here hours ago.

Maybe you didn't leave a clear enough clue.

I did! I can't understand why
Batman hasn't dashed into our trap.

He puts his foot here,
my secret jack-in-the-box fires...

...shooting him over the sea...

...into the waiting arms
of Penguin's exploding octopus.

What a deliciously humorous trajectory!

And nothing to link us with the crime.

You abominable outlaws!
What have you done with Miss Kitka?

She's quite well, Mr. Wayne.

I swear by heaven, if you've harmed that girl...

...I'll kill you all.

I'll rend you limb from limb!

Mr. Wayne, must you be so impulsive?

Where is she?
Show me Miss Kitka...

...or I'll wreck this place
with my dying breath!

Blindfold the captive.

Lead him down the labyrinthine path
to chamber 17.

Two minutes, no more.

- Turn on the secret microphone.
- Quiet, quiet!

- Miss Kitka.
- Comrade Wayne.

Are you all right?

I'll curse myself forever.

This nasty soup we're in is of my brewing.

If I hadn't let your beauty lull me off guard...

Off guard, comrade?

There are some things I cannot disclose.

But we're in the hands
of the most vicious foursome.

I fear we have nothing
to look forward to but death.

It may not be that black, Comrade Wayne.

Batman and Robin are probably hot on our trail.

From something I happened to overhear...

... I think we are merely
bait for Batman.

Once he's in their trap, we'll be released.

A slender hope, Miss Kitka.
More slender than you can know.

You do not think Batman will get here?

That I cannot say.

Did you overhear any mention...

...of any other prisoner
of this rotten gang?

No, I did not.

Who on earth could you mean?

Commodore Schmidlapp ringing for his tea.

Just a thought, it doesn't matter.
Speedy escape is our only hope.

A moment, while I think...

Why didn't I think of it sooner?

Of what?

Up my sleeve I have a radio
transmitter strapped above my elbow.

- What a curious device to carry.
- Not at all.

Capitalists who carry a lot of money
have safety contrivances.

If I can just get at it...

Wiggle around back-to-back.

Maybe you can reach it with your fingers.

Let's get him.

There we are.

You think you're pretty clever, don't you?

- Clever enough to outwit you.
- We'll see about that.

Dear colleagues, let's see
what's strapped above his left elbow.

Cretinous creatures!
I knew you'd been listening in!

I told you that fish story about a radio...

Get him!

Miss Kitka! Where are you?

- Great day!
- Hello, commissioner.

Dick, we're late for
that demonstration. Excuse us.

But you can't dash off now.
How did you escape?

- With the aid of Batman.
- Thank goodness for the Caped Crusader.

Return to police headquarters.
He may wish to call you.

My fine finkish friends, you have
heard my astounding proposal.

What do you say?
What do you say?!

Our strike cannot be postponed.

We're at the mercy of the Gotham River tide.

It's now or never to get through the channel.

Batman will never come here now.
But the police will, any instant.

So, to the Penguin's princely plan.
Is it yes or no?

It's crazy, but let's try it.
We have to get Batman out of the way.

Oh, go ahead, Penguin.

Would you drop one of your dream pills
into Commodore Schmidlapp's tea?

- Presto!
- Then carry him to the submarine!

Mr. Riddler,
will you tell Mr. Quetch...

...to fetch the five guinea pigs?

Fetch the guinea pigs.

Yo-ho-ho, sir!

Now, my fine fishy finks...

...you see the commodore's
piece de "no-r?sistance"...

...an instant whiskey maker.

Waiting for us to put it to more universal use.

Don't be afraid.
You'll feel nothing.

I am merely going to temporarily extract...

...every bit of moisture
from your bodies!

It's a painless operation.

- Delightful!
- Dehydrated!

Catwoman, will you get a dustpan...

...and put every one of them
very carefully into separate vials?

Mr. Riddler, would you prepare
the submarine to get underway...

...while I prepare a terrifying
demolition charge for the police?

- Where do we meet?
- United World building.

Gotham River.
39th floor. The elevator.

- One hour?
- One hour.

What criminal genius, Catwoman!

Who but a genius could conceive
such an audacious plot?

To trick Batman and Robin into
inviting me to their Batcave...

...with five dehydrated
death-dealing pirates at my command.

Careful, careful.
Every one of them has a mother.

Out, Batarang and Batrope.
Stand clear.

With people in weird outfits
like the super-crooks around here...

...it's amazing no one reports
this place to the police!

It's a low neighborhood, full of rum pots.

They attribute curious sights
to alcoholic delusions.

Drink is a filthy thing.

I'd rather be dead than unable
to trust my own eyes.

Yes, honey. There was someone
walking up the wall.

Ready with super-blinding Batpellets.

- Away, Robin. Away!
- But...

Come on, Batman.

Batman!

Miss Kitka!

Quick, everyone!
Flee for your lives! Into the street!

Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb.

- It's all right.
- Holy heart failure!

I was able to dispose
of that bomb just in time...

...and shield myself
behind these iron pipes.

You risked your life to save
that riffraff in the bar?

They may be drinkers,
but they're also human beings...

...and may be salvaged.

I had to do it!

But we lost the trail of Miss Kitka.
Stranded without a clue!

Ahoy there! Could you chaps
direct me to a policeman?

Commodore Schmidlapp's the name.
Big Ben Distilleries, you know.

- Holy costume party. The Penguin!
- Obviously.

What's his game?

- What's your game, Penguin?
- Penguin?

No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy, Schmidlapp.

Your fingerprints will settle that hash.

We'll check them against our mobile
anti-crime file in our Batmobile.

Let's see your hands.

Looks like plastic-coated fingertips!

Yes, I scorched myself pressing a waistcoat.

I do believe the attending
surgeon did use plastic, yes.

It looks bad.
This brassy bird has us buffaloed.

Not quite.

There's one method of identification
no one can evade.

Retinal eye patterns?

He's right. The pattern
of blood vessels...

...in the retina,
as individual as a fingerprint.

Don't you have an anti-criminal,
eye-pattern master file...

...in your Batcave?
Why don't you take me there?

- You'll submit yourself to a test?
- It might be an amusing experience.

Stand by to catch him, Robin.
I'll give him the Batgas.

What? Batgas?

An anesthetic, necessary
to prevent you from seeing...

...the entrance to the Batcave.

If anyone knew that, they could
pierce the secret of our identities.

Ready, commodore?

Oh, I say, what deucedly strange
customs you colonials have!

Well, I'm ready.

To the Batmobile.
This could be our break.

- I wonder why he let us take him?
- We'll soon know.

- I've got the eye checker.
- Stay on the alert.

After I give him the Batwake,
we must be ready for anything.

Oh, it's you.
We're here, eh? I see.

Oh, what's this? Oh, say!

This is extraordinary!
It's absolutely extraordinary!

I must say that your laboratory
exceeds the limits...

...of man's wildest imagination.

Could I trouble you for a glass of water?

Your Batgas has left me
with a parched sensation.

The water dispenser is clearly marked.

All right, thank you.
Thank you, sir.

Help yourself, commodore.
Slake your thirst.

You'll have worse than a parched
sensation when we're through.

Perhaps, perhaps. But I am
appalled by your attitude, sir.

Condemning me before the facts have
been authoritatively established!

You are abrogating
my constitutional rights, sir.

All set, Batman.

Come on, Penguin.
Time to rip off your false feathers.

Coming, Batman.
I'm coming at once.

Holy hallucination!

I wish it were, but it's five
dehydrated pirates, rehydrated!

At them, me hearties!
Shiver them from stem to stern!

Attack them, you faltering fink!

They're gone! Popped like balloons.
How did it happen?

Whoever dehydrated those pirates...

...couldn't have foreseen their
rehydration with the heavy water...

...we use to recharge
the atomic pile!

It left them in an unstable condition!

You saw it yourself. The slightest
impact was sufficient...

...to instantly reduce them
to antimatter.

Antimatter?
You mean, they won't be coming back?

No, Robin. Not in this universe.

Let that be a lesson in the dangers...

...of tampering with the laws
of Mother Nature.

My apologies, commodore.
I've done you a cruel injustice.

- You have?
- You were duped. Brainwashed.

The criminals planted
those dehydrated thugs on you.

You were obviously under the influence...

...of post-hypnotic suggestion
when you rehydrated them.

Come on down, commodore.

Another sniff of Batgas,
and we'll all return to the city.

Are you sure you didn't hurt your head?

Perfectly. Swallow this pill.

Now, give our friend here a whiff of Batwake.

Good morning.

What's wrong?

Manifold pressure's dropping.
We'd better stop and check it.

- Sorry about that. Won't take long.
- Yes, you will!

And away we go in my Birdmobile!
One side kick for a sailor.

- You okay?
- Thanks to that anti-Penguin gas pill!

He's played right into our hands.
Via Batcycle to the Batcopter!

We'll track him to the gang's new hideout.

Disengage go-cart.

Batscanner tracking the stolen Batmobile.

Port two degrees, then steady as she goes!

Yo-ho, port two degrees!

We're almost there!

- Where are you going?
- To fire off more riddling clues.

Riddler! You're mad!
Penguin's finished Batman by now.

That miserable, waddling mountebank of a bird!

He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn!

Say Penguin failed. All the more
reason not to hand them clues.

But I must! Outwitting Batman
is my sole delight...

...my joy, my heaven on earth,
my very paradise.

Riddler, come back!

Stolen Batmobile turning,
heading up Gotham River Drive.

Polaris-type missile
coming right for us!

Hold on! This may be tricky.

- Damage?
- The tail rotor's disengaged.

Brace yourself, Robin, we're going down.

This could be the end.

Now, to find my riddling Polaris skywriter!

Look! Look, the Dynamic Duo!

I got them. I got them.

Holy horseshoe!

Some luck, landing on top of foam rubber!

The odds against it would make even
the most reckless gambler cringe.

True, I did think I'd spotted it
out of the corner of my eye, but...

That crazy missile wrote two more riddles.

"What goes up white and comes down
yellow and white?"

An egg!

"How do you divide 17 apples
among 16 people?"

Make applesauce.

Apples into applesauce.
A unification into one smooth mixture.

An egg, nature's perfect container.
The container of our future hopes.

A unification in a container of hope?
United World Organization!

Precisely!
And the Security Council meets today.

- If what I fear is true...
- Let's commandeer a taxi.

No, not at this time of day.
Luckily we're in tip-top condition.

It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!

We are now passing through the grotto.

- Depth, a half-fathom.
- Engines, dead slow astern.

Dead slow astern.

As the blueprint said,
an abandoned construction elevator.

Hecate, sniff out the weak spot.

- I hope Penguin made it.
- Who needs him?

Stand back.

Hey! Can't you read?

A fine day for penguins.

My co-conspirators,
we meet as planned.

No thanks to you, the Dynamic Duo
has been silenced forever.

Blasted out of the sky by a coincidence!

The delicious irony of it!
Downed by Riddler's Polaris skywriter.

Happy happenstance! Hold your
breath till we cross the hall.

There are still lingering traces
of my finely filtered Penguin gas.

Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch!

Let's hope it's a stitch in time
that saves nine.

The nine members of the Security Council.

It is the opinion of Her Majesty
that we pursue peace at all costs.

Our poor united world in microcosm.

I'm afraid they'll find our humor
very, very dry.

We understand your position, but for peace...

It has always been our policy...

Quickly now!
Each one in a separate vial.

And, boys, don't anybody sneeze.

- Seal the building!
- Turn off the ventilating system!

The Security Council may have been dehydrated!

Emergency, operator.
Get me security.

Emergency, operator, emergency!

Up, up, up, up!

- Surrender! You criminals!
- The United Underworld is through!

What's this, an apparition?

One false move, and you'll find out.
We'll hurl our Batarangs!

- To the elevator!
- Catwoman! Stop, I said!

I don't think you mean that.

Miss Kitka dies
if you take one more step! Go!

This way, Robin!

The Security Council, gone!

What a fiendishly clever way
to abduct nine men...

...from a heavily guarded building!

Where does that elevator go?

Downstairs, to an abandoned
submarine dock on the river.

Holy Captain Nemo! They'll head
for sea by way of Short Island Sound.

We have just one trump card left.

Heaven help the world if we fail.

Come on!

Down periscope.

We're over the last bar.
Mr. Bluebeard, all engines full ahead.

Yo-ho, all engines full ahead!

What a delightful haul!

Mr. Riddler, will you prepare
those nine radio ransom messages?

And no stupid riddles.
Make those messages plain.

One billion dollars cash, from each country.

Precisely! To be delivered
to our secret island...

...by the horde of trained carrier
pigeons which I shall provide.

No whimsical embellishments.
Make those messages clear!

Make those messages clear!

It's like a dream, Pengy-sweet.

Nothing can stop us now.

Sonar contact.
Range 8000. Bearing 181.

Yo-ho, sonar contact.
Small craft at 7500, bearing 01.

Small craft?

It's moving fast.
Range is down to 7000.

- The Batboat!
- Drat that cockleshell!

Mr. Bluebeard,
steady on the diving planes.

I'll man the torpedo tubes.

Would you fire a surface-to-surface
underwater homing missile?

Missile ahoy!

It has a homing device in
its nose cone. Take evasive action.

No use. It's tracking us!

Take my Batradio.
I looked it up this morning.

That class of missile receives
on a wavelength of 164. 1.

- 164. 1.
- Quickly! Send a jamming signal.

It's starting down.

Farewell, Batman!

Farewell, Dynamic Duo!

Holy bikini, that was close!

Yo-ho, small craft still closing.
Range 4000. Bearing 88.

They know how to jam our missiles.
Up to periscope depth!

Yo-ho, up to periscope depth.

- Range 3500.
- Get the Batcharge launcher.

Roger!

They hold nine of the world's most
eminent men in dehydrated condition.

Our task is not to sink that sub,
merely to drive it to the surface.

Forward torpedo tubes, prepare to fire.

Yo-ho! Forward torpedo tubes,
prepare to fire.

Five, four, three, two...

...torpedoes, fire!

Torpedoes, fire!

Torpedoes away!

- Dive, Mr. Bluebeard, dive!
- Yo-ho, dive.

Down periscope.

Torpedo off the port bow!

Prepare to fire Batcharges
in front of torpedoes.

That's too soon!
It must be Batcharges!

And that means there'll be more
of the dread things meant for us!

You dismal bird!
You and your submarine!

Shut up, you feline floozy!

Mr. Bluebeard, down 30 fathoms.

Run silent, run deep.

They're diving, silent engines.

I'll circle them at full-thrust speed,
diminishing radius of curvature.

Roger.

What's their bearing?

- I don't know, sir.
- You don't know?

It's changing every second.
They must be circling us.

Fire when ready.

I'll maintain curvature.

Yo-ho! Compartments A, B and C
taking in water, sir!

Penguin, you know I can't take water!

You cowardly kitten, you want to live forever?

- This bird has flown around the bend!
- To cuckooland!

Riddler, Joker, do something!
We weren't meant for a watery grave!

Now hear this! Now hear this!

Blow all tanks! Surface! Surface!

Cut the Batcharges.
They've had enough, I imagine.

They're surfacing fast.

- Estimated surfacing position?
- 200 yards.

Here they come.

Diminishing speed. Ready to board.

Roger.

Pirates! To arms!

Prepare to repel boarders!

Strike your colors!

We have not yet begun to fight!
Attack!

Bon voyage, pussy.

Holy heartbreak! Miss Kitka!

Batman, I...

Say no more, Robin.
It could be compromising.

Of course.

It's just one of those things
in the life of every crime fighter.

It means nothing.
Snap on the Batcuffs.

Batman to coast guard.

There's a submarine
two miles east of Sandy Nose.

It's filled with human jetsam.
Come, take it in tow.

Robin. Over here, look.

The hope of the world, tottering on the brink!

Holy almost!

To think, it might have been shattered
before our very eyes.

- Up, Catwoman.
- The service here has gone to pot.

What the devil is this?
The captain's costume party?

Holy jumble!
Where's the hope of the world now?

Batcentrifuge at 32,000 rpm.

Increase angstrom force in vector X.

Vector X up one notch.

- Yes, commissioner?
- What progress? Is there hope?

There's always hope.

But do you think you and Robin
can separate that mingled dust...

...back into its constituent members?

With all modesty, commissioner...

...if we can't, heaven knows who can.

Truer words were never spoken.

Howdy, you all.
How are those boys doing up there?

Batman says there's hope,
Mr. President. What more can one ask?

The free world is waiting. Tell Batman
I salute him and wish him luck.

I needn't tell you with whom I have just spoken.

Ready for separation.

All right.
I'll activate the computer link.

Input the ethnic and national factors.

- Batman, wait a minute!
- What?

Well, with the way the world is and all...

...maybe we ought to try
to improve those factors?

- Reshuffle them a little.
- No.

It's not for us to tamper
with the laws of nature.

In this very Batcave,
you saw a ghastly example...

...of what happens
when one tries to do that.

Gosh, yes.
When you put it that way...

Here we go.

Separation accomplished.
Ready to rehydrate.

Separation accomplished.

They are ready to rehydrate.

We are ready to rehydrate.

They are ready to rehydrate.

A solemn moment, gentlemen.

One of dedication and humble supplication.

Robin, prepare to rehydrate.

Ready to rehydrate.

Turn on the water faucet.

Success! Success!

They've done it!
They've done it!

Success, success!
We've done it, we've done it!

Success! Success!

What the...?

In the interest of peace, you must hear me out!

Gentlemen, it is imperative that
we limit our conversation to peace.

Who knows, Robin?

This strange mixing of minds...

...may be the greatest single service
ever performed for humanity.

Let's go, but inconspicuously.

Through the window.
We'll use our Batropes.

Our job is finished.