Bastards y Diablos (2015) - full transcript

Two estranged half-brothers adventure together through Colombia to fulfill their dead father's will and connect with their family, their father's homeland, and - ultimately - each other.

(film projector rattling)

(engine running)

(soft instrumental music)

(in foreign language)

- So you smoke, huh?

- Sometimes.

(traffic passing)

I don't know what's more shocking,

that he's dead or that he finally

got me a ticket to Colombia.

- You've never been?

- When I was a baby, I guess.

How's your Mom, and is it Bill?

- Yeah.

- I never know whether to
call him your dad or Bill.

- Yeah, he's good.

Everyone's good.

How's your aunt?

- Fine, I guess.

So you do know my mom died?

- Yeah.

- I just didn't know if
you got briefed on that.

- Yeah, a long time ago.

- Cool, I just didn't know if you knew.

Usually someone reaches out
with like a card or something

when someone's mom dies.

- Sorry.

Sorry, I was like 13.

- You were 15.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Could I actually bum one?

- It's the last one, I'm sorry.

- It's cool, I don't really smoke just.

You look good.
- Yeah?

- I like the beard.

It's a good beard.

I guess I didn't get the beard gene.


I can do rings sometimes.

- Very good, for a non-smoker.

- Well, I am a drinker.

I'm also really good at lying to myself.

- I know what that's like.


- You have the same laugh as
when you were a little kid.

- Yeah?

(soft piano music)

(mournful orchestral music)

- [Lawyer] The letter of your father.

- Hey, hey.

Hey buddy.

Do you want to go get
some flowers for grandma?

- What?

- Do you want to go get
some flowers for grandma?

- Okay.
- Yeah, cool.

- Where?

What time is it?


Fuck, shit!

So when did you lose your virginity?

- Well, I was actually in
a program called STARS,

Students Today Aren't Ready for Sex.

So I would go like talk
to middle schoolers,

and so, I felt pretty strongly about that

until I was like 17.

So I guess my junior year.

- Wow.

- What do you mean, wow?

- I expected,

I thought I was gonna hear
like 5th grade or something.

Seems pretty safe.

Don't you feel safe here, I feel safe.

- Yeah, should I not feel safe?

- No.

- You tell me, should I not feel safe?

- I have no idea about
math, I'm not gonna lie.

- Wow.

- Cool.

(car alarm sounding)

What's that thing called?

- Oblea.

- O what?

- Oblea.

- Your oblea is like a little limp.

- It's like limp, I now.

- You do a double Windsor?

- Yeah.

- Can you help me with mine?

I'll help you with yours.

- I like that tie.

Look good.

- Yeah, you too man.

- Here we are.

All growed up.

(group applauding)

- Look at you.

- Oh my God.

- When was the last
time we saw each other,

it must have been, you were like 10.

- You want another beer?

- Sure.

- Is that what you're sneaking?

- Yeah.

- She's like sneaking in the kitchen,

like fingering the cake,

getting a cerveza.

- Yeah.

- To cousins.

- To cousins.

- Primos.

- I'm sorry, you guys.

- Cheers.

(Spanish music)

- What's that?

(Spanish music)

- What's going on tonight?

(in foreign language)

- If there's anything you need,

anything I can do for you,

please let me know man.

Let me know, let me know, I love you.

I love you a lot man.

(muffled speaking)

- Prima.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

God, so,

so we're corrupting.

No we're not, it's good to,

I think it's good to explore the dark

in every situation.

So, like what are the
sleeping arrangements?

(crowd chanting)

(jazz music)

(crowd cheering)

(bottle shattering)

(birds chirping)

- Holy shit.


- You ready to go.

- What are you talking about?

- (foreign word)

You remember, Jairo?

(flamenco guitar music)

(dance music)

- He never bullshit.

- No.
- No.

Never bullshit.

We have bipolar.

It's the sickness of the family.

No pills, no pills, no.

- Chemical imbalances.

- No.

No pills.

The world is not easy, man.

Your country, for example.

They fucking partied, man.

They fucking partied.

I am not Colombian.

The world is terrible.

And I feel that.

The world is beautiful.

It's beautiful man.

Alive in that.

No pills man.

No pills, no.

- The gynecologist came, he made a test,

of the placenta.

The placenta was a little bit old,

a little bit, just one week old.

So, bring the baby through the,

going through the normal
delivery will make her suffer.

So he decided that

she will go through the
C section, immediately.

Okay, okay.

Yeah e tu, yeah I can see it in your face.

Your C section face.

I'm just joking.

♪ Was a C section baby ♪

♪ Put your P's up if you
got pulled out the lady ♪

♪ Put your A's up if
your ass was adopted ♪

♪ If you don't know let your
shoulders do the talkin' ♪


- I'm getting my rewards.

I'm getting my rewards.

When the time comes

you're like a baby girl, like a chicken.

Because you feel so,

useless, absolutely useless.

But the world helps you.

The gynecologist, the nurses, the place.

(soft guitar music)

(soft Spanish music)

- Viva Colombia, and it feels so good.

- Yeah, feeling completely lost.

- Selenta, who knew, right?

- Right.

And this is something.

This is something.

I know that someone in our
family knows what that is.

- Hey, Americanos?

What's you got there?

I think I know that picture.

That's just outside of
Cali about 15 clicks.

You ever been to Cali?

- Yeah yeah, I've been
there, I was with dad there,

when were with Costanza,
that one time, yeah yeah.

Oh my God, no no no no no.

We have like a finca.

- Trust me boys, go to Cali.

- Holy shit.

Thank you man.

What are you drinkin'?

(in foreign language)

- You open the drawer,

there's four or five
different sets of keys,

and they're different colors,

and there's different wear and tear,

and there's different usage.

There must be a purpose for them,

there must be a reason they're there.

I mean I kept 'em for some reason.

Tell you what, beats
the popoyana out of me.


I love saying that.

Popo means shit here.

Beats the popoyana--


- And you go, what is it
all tryin' to tell you?

What does it say?

And I don't know.

Eventually, you just go well,

who knows, whatever?

I don't know.

Just a dumb old man.

- Hey, we got ourselves a
double date in Cali tomorrow.

- What?

- Talked to Bruni.

- Yeah?

The sister?

- No, it's the mom.

You know who dad was with.

Then I talked to the hot sister.

Calania, man I almost married a calania.

You boys gotta go salsa dancing.

To the holy ass bastards.

To the calanias who love us.

(Spanish music)

♪ We just like and went fly flows ♪

♪ Boulevard posing ♪

♪ Cali cartel put that
coke up their noses ♪

♪ No that's the facts face the facts ♪

♪ Now it's over ♪

♪ Man I'm in command ♪

♪ Yeah you could call me Moses ♪

♪ Moses yeah ♪

♪ The fly flows is yeah ♪

♪ I gotta bring out the hoses ♪

♪ Bring out the hose
with those hoes, kid ♪

♪ Yeah we're gonna shower flower down ♪

♪ With a little bit of roses ♪

♪ Now so many beautiful
women I can't seem to tally ♪

♪ Everything in my mind
makes me want to be in Cali ♪

- Tatiana was saying you look
more Colombian than I do.

- Well yeah, 'cause you got those,

ojos rojos.

- Ojos de rojos.

Marco Polo.

Everybody don't Flo know.

- Ooo, good.

- I ain't no cholo.

Lookin' like Frodo, with my fro though.

(gentle classical music0

(romantic orchestral music)

(Latin pop music)

- So Bruni's like one of,
one of dad's girls huh?

- Yep.

They were childhood sweethearts, though.

Just like never got over it, you know.

Funny, you can go through
so many relationships

and still go back to the same person.

- She's got two daughters you said?

And they're both hot?

- Yeah man, they're both hot.

Both really hot.

I sort of had a thing with Costanza.

- [Dion] What's the other one's name?

(muffled speaking)

- Chantal.

- You think Chantal would like the blue,

or would she appreciate the green?

- I'm gonna say blue.

- All right.

- Is this too much hair gel?

- No, no you look good.

(Spanish pop music)

- So I look okay?

- Yeah, you look fine.

Put the gel away.

- Remember, we're not gonna talk.

- What?

- We're not gonna hang out or anything.

I don't think she knows that dad died.

- What?

- I don't think she knows that dad died.

So if your awkward, there's
plenty of gel in my hair.

- [Woman] Ola!

How are you?

- Ed.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I'm sorry we're late.

- Oh, it's okay.

- Hi.

- Good to see you again.

- Como estas.

- Muy bien.

- I need like five minutes, okay?

- The energy here is great.


it's nice here.

- Yeah, yeah the dancing is great.

I'm excited to dance, yeah.

- And you are dancing?

- A little bit, you know.

You know, salsa, whatever.

- No.

- No, no.

- A blood vessel burst in his liver.

I'm sorry.

I didn't really want it
to come out this way.

I'm really sorry.


- [Dion] I didn't want to say
anything, but our dad died.

I'm sorry.

(Bruni crying)

(crickets chirping)

(sentimental instrumental music)


(soft orchestral music)

- [Ed] Hi.

- Ed!

Come here.

- How are you, Tia?

- But I'm happy to see you.

- He was working in this office in Chicago

doing some, I don't know,

weird programming thing that he does,

and he said he had this coworker

who was this Indian man,
this guy from India.

- Yeah.

- And the guy would say,

Gabriel, the way you talk about women,

is how I feel about food.


- That's funny, I remember that because

because he would say, oh yeah Dion,

women are like curry.

You should try every flavor.


- Oh my God.

You try to stay completely serious,

and we try to make you laugh.

That will be a game, okay.

Let's start.

Okay but you have to look at it.



Now, he's the next one.

- Okay.

- He's got to be serious.

I mean your father was never serious,

you have to be serious.

You start.

- Hey booboo.

- Come on Cali boo.


- Merci boucou.


Now you try to make me laugh.

- Oh you're so serious, look at you.

So respective.

(in foreign language)

Oh here I am just for funsies.

You look like a turtle on vacation.


- Do you ever look at your
penis, and be like, weird.

My penis is aging.

- What do you mean?

- I looked down at my penis just now,

and I could tell that it was aging.

Like I just felt like my penis is aging.

You know what I mean?

- Yeah.

- [Ed] So,

do you think this place
is our inheritance?

- God, I hope so.

- I cannot describe it to you where it is,

because it's part of the soul.

Part of your soul, part of your soul.

Part of mine.

- So you've never been there?

- No, I've never been there,

but my goal is to go there.

And I stay there, I
don't want to come back.

I want to stay there.

I want to stay there with the two of you.


Father Gabriel, he's in Medellin.

It's a great place.

- Yeah.

- The boomer (muffled speaking),

please watch out.

Colombian boomers

are very very very cute.

They're really attractive.

And they attract your soul.

Come on, come.


- Is this your house?

- No.

- Is this our father's house?

- No.

Al Camilla belongs to the whole family.

The whole family.

(birds cawing)

(wind blowing)

When I was little, and Gabriel was little,

we saw my father hitting my mother.

And, Gabriel he started to laugh.

It was very painful for us,

because, in a way, he was a father,

and he say he loved us.

It really affected Gabriel.

He couldn't give enough
love to his children,

and he couldn't be completely responsible,

because he was keeping a
lot of anger inside of him.

So, you need to forgive your
father, you need to forget.

We came with a mission to this life.

Our mission is to give love,

to forgive, not to try to find perfection.

There is nobody perfect,

but we need to love.

- He wasn't perfect, but I loved my dad.

- [Tia] Thank you for telling me that.

Thank you for telling me that.

(in foreign language)

♪ Frivolity ♪

♪ Go ahead acknowledge me ♪

♪ Get it my head Socrates ♪

(rock and roll music)

(singing in foreign language)

(kids chattering)

- [Dion] Come on dude.

You got it.

- [Ed] What do you think?

You versus me?

- All right.

(group chattering)


- This is exactly what I
thought was gonna happen today.

(Spanish pop music)

(singing in foreign language)


- Not again!

- What's the matter?

- Oh fuck me.

Fuck me.

Fuck, got a charleyhorse.

Fuck, I got a fuckin' charleyhorse.

Oh shit.

Where's my underwear?

Oh shit.

Sorry guys.

- It's hard to accept something

that's shoved down your
throat, day in and day out.

- I don't know, it just seemed like

it was part of the thing.

I didn't know if we were supposed to.

- It's not part of my thing.

(birds chirping)

(in foreign language)

(wind blowing)

(eerie electronic music)

- He's dead, he's dead.

He's dead.

(muffled speaking)

(Tia muffled speaking)

- Who are you?

(dramatic Spanish music)

- Why do you live your life in fear?

- Why do you always chew
with your mouth open?

- That's not

what I'm talking about.
- It's really grating.

I'm talking about you're always

- It's really grating.

Really, really grating.
- Always hesitating.

Okay, I don't care.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- What are you talking about?

- When you speak Spanish,

it's like you're always
apologizing for yourself.

- Well, my Spanish isn't--

- Dude, you speak Spanish.

- It's not my fault my three-year-old self

stopped speaking Spanish
after moving away from my dad.

- No, it's not your fault.

But you can recognize how
fuckin' out of bounds it was,

for your mother to take you and put you

in that situation where you--

- No warning, no goodbye, no nothin'.

You don't think that hurt dad?

You don't think he talked about that shit

like every day when I loved with him?


I mean, I know you love
your mom, I know you do.

But that's never gonna be okay.

- Okay, well I apologize for her.

- We got Bill's,

do you call Bill dad?

- No.

- It's okay if you do, I'm not judging.

- No.
- It's okay if you do.

- I don't.

- More of a father figure
than dad ever was, really.

- Are you mad at me?

- No, I'm not mad,

I just want you to speak Spanish

and wake the fuck up, you know?

I mean dad's dead, we're in Colombia,

this is our blood.

It's never gonna fuckin'
happen again in our lives,

so just appreciate this shit, you know?

I mean where else do
you gotta be right now?

What's your problem?

- My problem is I don't want
to fucking get a Speedo.

- Who not man?

Speedos are great.

- I'm not getting a Speedo.
- You want to see one?

Have ever been in one?
- No.

- Then what do you have to lose?

Just try out a Speedo.

- I'm glad that your agenda.

- My agenda, I have an agenda now?

What are you scared of?


- We're fiddle-fucking
around in Cartegena.

- We're not fiddle-fucking around.

(Spanish jazz music)

I'm enjoying myself.

- Well good, that makes one of us.

- What, you don't want to get Speedos?

- No, I don't want

to get Speedos.
- Why not?

- Because we're just
fiddle-fucking around.

- Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

(Spanish jazz music)

- [Dion] Where you going?

Little bitch.

Hey white boy.

Then fuck you.

(singing in foreign language)

- Grrr.

(in foreign language)

♪ Too many places I lost my mind ♪

♪ Turn it up turn it up
you know I'm an Italian ♪

♪ Make me in a come like a heart ♪

♪ You know I do a cart ♪


(in foreign language)

- No?

You don't speak even a little bit?


(Spanish pop music)

(Dion yelling)

- Hello?



God damn it.

(dramatic orchestral music)


(trumpet music)

(door banging)

- [Costanza] How long
are you going to stay?

- I don't know.

- What about your job?

- I don't know, I don't know.

- But, what is your job?

- I'm a grandmaster chess player.


- You're not that.

- No?

- No.

- Yeah, I'm currently unemployed.

- And, why is that?

- 'Cause I'm a bastard.


(romantic orchestral music)

(chattering in foreign language)

(Spanish pop music)

(singing in foreign language)

(solemn orchestral music)

(surf pounding)

- Where the fuck were you?

(motor running)


- Feels like frosting, right?

- It's beautiful, really.

- It feels like I'm in the womb.

- So it does.

Feels, yeah, feels like
I'm being held here.

- I always wanted to do one
of those like rebirthings.

And I feel like I am.

- Like, I can't do anything.

I can't even try to like,

go down, or sink.

Should I try?

Did I come up?


I feel like I came up.

But I still feel all warm.


Hey, hey, do it.

This is your dad.

This is your dad.

I'm your dad, I am your dad.

- You're fucking terrifying, pop.

You still have your,

like it's all over you fucking contacts.

You are so scary right now, are you okay?

- I can't hear much.

(sentimental orchestral music)

- You only get one father.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I've had two.

- Yeah, I know.

I've had nobody.

(sentimental orchestral music)

(dramatic instrumental music)