Baryshnikov in Hollywood (1982) - full transcript
The famed dancer encounters various characters in a busy day at work on a movie studio lot.
[upbeat music]
- [Orson] Hollywood,
the home of tinsel,
glamor, glitter, and promise.
The eternal siren
beckoning to the drab,
the starry-eyed,
the dream chasers.
And if one day fate
should select you,
and the technicolor
goddess calls,
I beg you, don't
put her on hold.
[clapperboard claps]
[light hisses]
Now, let me hear you
say the magic word.
- Hollywood.
I never thought I
would ever be part
of that wonderful fantasy.
But when the technicolor
goddess called,
fortunately I was not
in the shower. [laughs]
Hollywood, how do
you describe it?
Hollywood, how do
you conquer it?
And the most important of all,
Hollywood, how do
you get down off it?
[upbeat music]
- [Announcer] "Baryshnikov
In Hollywood."
[upbeat music]
[body slams]
[water splashes]
[tango music]
[upbeat music]
[foot slams]
[glass breaks]
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
[gentle music]
Starring Mikhail Baryshnikov.
Also starring, as the
producer, Dom DeLuise.
A cameo performance
by Shirley MacLaine.
The girl in "The Sheik,"
Bernadette Peters.
The dialogue coach,
Charles Nelson Reilly.
Narrated by Orson Welles.
Special appearance
by Gene Wilder.
[gentle music]
New York, New York,
crossroads of a million lives.
This is the place where
our hero hangs his hat
and other appurtenances
pertaining to his trade.
It's also the place where
we begin our odyssey.
Once upon a time,
there was a dancer.
[women chattering]
- Sorry, folks.
Sold out.
- [Orson] Even as they pant,
the object of their affection,
bursting with energy
and enthusiasm,
begins the final rehearsal
prior to the final performance
of the ballet season.
- [Orson] They call
it The Big Apple,
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
[breezy music]
[apple crunches]
[breezy music intensifies]
[exhilarating music]
[exhilarating music continues]
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]
[cast cheering]
[people chattering]
After being on his feet
for a whole season,
our hero now plans to soak them
in the waters of the Caribbean.
- Oh, Misha, oh, Misha!
Are you going away?
- Yeah, Bermuda!
Sun, waiter! [laughs]
[all laughing]
Oh, thank you!
- Good bye!
- But plans can go awry.
[Christopher knocking]
- Come in.
- [gasps] Mr. Baryshnikov?
May I call you Mr. Baryshnikov?
- [Misha] Who are you?
- My name is Christopher Monty.
You can call me Chris.
May I take this opportunity,
and lay my cards on the table?
This is my producer's card.
This is my director's card.
This is my dinner's card,
for when we have lunch.
My friend. May I
call you my friend?
I have an eye for talent,
and my eye says that you
wanna come to Hollywood
to be a bigger star
than Valentino!
- Who's Valentina?
- Ha-ha-ha, that's funny.
- I'm going to Bermuda.
I don't want to dance
anymore this season.
- Who said anything about dance?
Did you say anything
about dance?
I didn't say
anything about dance.
You can take these
funny dancin' shoes,
and throw them away.
What do you think of that?
Don't you understand? You're
gonna be a great actor.
Dancers always have
trouble with their feet.
Actors hardly even get corns.
Think about it.
This is important, what
I'm telling you. Listen.
You'll come to Hollywood.
You know what you'll do?
You'll take some voice
and diction lessons.
You'll take some acting lessons.
The next thing you know,
your name is gonna up in lights.
Mikhail Baryshnikov.
[gasps] Ooh!
That's gonna be very
expensive to light.
We may have to
shorten your name.
We'll work on it. Trust me.
Listen, here is a
first-class ticket
to Hollywood and stardom!
What do ya say?
Wait. Think about it.
Just touch the ticket.
Just touch it.
[gentle music]
You don't have to take
it, just touch it.
It's a first-class ticket.
Don't you understand?
They got, they have movies,
champagne, little...
caviar! You'll love caviar.
They have caviar in first class.
You'll enjoy.
[paper ripped away]
Oh, I love that gesture when
you grabbed it and dropped it.
It's so beautiful. I love
it when you're angry!
This is fantastic.
You're an artist. Here.
You dropped this.
You're wonderful.
I'll see you in California.
I'll see you in Hollywood.
You're just like Brando. Oh!
[door slams]
- [Orson] Of course our
hero is much too clever
to be taken in by the promise
of an impossible dream.
[suspenseful music]
Never!
[wheels skidding]
[upbeat jazz music]
Armed solely with his pure heart
and trust in the basic
goodness of mankind,
our latter day Candid is about
to join the teaming throng,
thronging to be on the team.
[dramatic music]
- Hi.
I'm here to see Mr.
Monty. Mr. Baryshnikov.
- Mr. Monty, Mr. Barry
Schnikoff here to see you.
He's gonna make you a
dramatic actor, right?
- I knew it!
I knew it. I knew it.
This is my lucky day.
My horoscope said,
"Mr. One-of-a-kind
is gonna come into
your life today,"
and here you are,
Mr. One-of-a-kind!
Woo-hoo! Thank you, boys.
Don't call us. My
secretary will call you.
- I won't be able to shoot on!
[man whistling]
- [laughs] This has
nothing to do with you.
Ah, everybody in Hollywood
is dyin' to meet ya.
To talk to ya, but not just yet.
Yes, you have a little accent.
Greta Garbo had a little accent.
Voice and diction lessons,
big star. Trust me.
Listen, go talk to Lucius,
the dialogue coach.
Talk to him. No one else!
We gotta have lunch.
You like sushi?
- Yes.
- This is a miracle.
So do I. Well, have
a wonderful day.
- Bye.
- Go be great.
[upbeat music]
- Now, Mr. Baryshnikov,
please repeat after me.
The snow will blow,
and so I go to Nome.
- The snow will blow,
and so why go to Nome.
- No, not so why go.
So I go. Now, please
try just once again.
- The snow will blow,
and so I go to Rome.
- No, not Rome.
Nome.
- Nome.
- I go to Nome, not Rome.
You see, the snow will blow,
and so I go to Nome.
Now you.
- The snow will blow,
and so I go to Nome.
Now you.
- Excuse me just a moment.
Uh, Mr. Monty.
I've just given Mr.
Baryshnikov a dialogue lesson.
Uh-huh. And I've got the
perfect part for him.
Mm-hmm.
[phone clicks]
[Lucius laughs]
- [Man] Hold it down. Quiet.
Speed.
- Slate it.
- [Man] Screen test, silent.
[gentle music]
[dramatic music]
[tango music]
[upbeat tango music]
[upbeat music continues]
[castanets clicking]
[upbeat music continues]
[gentle music]
[bell tinkling]
[dramatic music]
[victorious music]
- [Man] Cut, beautiful!
[crew applauding]
- Print it, please.
- I can understand why they
won't let you talk, but why me?
- [Director] Okay,
let's move ahead here.
- [Orson] Being
new to Hollywood,
our young innocent breaks the
first rule of show business.
He asks the producer an
intelligent question.
- Look, Mish, I know that
you weren't too happy
with the silent screen
test, but not to worry.
My writers are
working on somethin'
that's gonna be fabulous,
even as we speak.
- Speaking of speaking, when
do I get a chance to speak?
- Rome was not in one day built.
- But you said-
- Trust me, trust me.
Oh my goodness. Look,
I'm gonna be late.
I got two meetings back to back.
Call my answering machine.
Let's have lunch.
Remember, you are great. Ha ha!
- You understand?
It's a ballet sequence
for 20 seconds,
right in the middle
of the movie.
And it has to be something
uh, that just knocks the
audience off their feet.
Here's the story.
I'm walking along,
singing a song,
Central Park, moonlit night.
I'm a little sad, a
little melancholy.
All of a sudden, boom! Shazam!
I see this face
of a lonely, gorgeous girl.
And I say, "What can I do?"
Something to get her attention.
Just something a little,
a little dazzling.
That's all I want
for number one.
- Start simple walk.
[gentle piano music]
- I can do that. That's
good, that's good.
[gentle piano music]
- Cool?
- Are you kidding,
or was that it?
- Yeah.
- It was nice.
But, I, I...
I need...
She's gotta go, "Ah!" Like that.
"Yikes!" When she,
when she sees this.
You know what I mean?
- All right. [laughs]
Okay.
[lively piano music]
- Now, you're cooking!
That's it.
That's what I wanted. Okay.
Show it to me once more.
- Now you're cooking.
- And you turn.
- Want to do it together?
- Clockwise.
- Do it, do it.
Just look at me and repeat it.
- Okay.
[lively piano music]
Right, frozen. Got it.
Okay. [claps]
I got it! Now, number two.
I've got her attention.
Her eyes are looking at me.
Now, electricity,
bouncing, back and forth!
Fireworks! Give
me all your stuff.
I need something that they say,
"How did Gene ever
learn how to do that?"
I mean something
that's just...[yelling]
Um, do you know
Romeo and Juliet?
Did you ever read that
when you were a kid?
- Yeah, sure.
- Shakespeare, right?
The night that they met,
when Roman and Juliet met?
Like firecrackers!
Like the fireworks, going
off between their hearts.
That's what I need.
What do you got?
Show me your best stuff.
- I don't know how.
- You don't know how?
If you don't know how, who does?
What did, what did you
think I came to you for?
To learn how to make borscht?
[Misha laughs]
Search back in your memory,
from when you were
a kid in Russia!
Did they teach you anything?
- I'll, I'll, I'll try.
I'll try, okay.
- Okay.
[lively piano music]
Heaven on a stick.
It's perfect.
It's just beautiful.
Okay? I do it with you once?
- Sure.
- Okay.
That's exactly what I meant.
[lively piano music]
- [Misha] And look at her.
And look at her.
- Frozen! History!
Done! Perfect!
Okay, now! Number three.
This is it.
I've got her attention.
She's watching me.
Electricity is flowing
back and forth between us.
I know I got you,
but I'm not giving
it all to you yet.
You're gonna have to wait.
You're gonna have to
wait a little bit longer,
a little bit longer and now!
Wha-shoo!
Give her the works.
You know what I mean?
Wha-shoo!
That's it.
What do you got along that line?
[dramatic music]
Simple, yet, it says it.
The only thing I
didn't understand
is the arm movement.
- Yeah?
- When do you do it?
Do you do knee-arm,
or do you arm-knee?
- Together.
- Together!
- What will be the word?
- Together.
- [laughs] And...
[Misha exhales]
- What's that sound?
- [exhales] Hah.
I'm yours.
- [Both] Hah.
- I'm yours.
[exhales] It's not too phony?
- No, no-no.
- [exhales] That's it?
- Good.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- I'll buy it.
Okay, will you come
and watch me tomorrow?
- I'd love to.
- Stage 15. Come
right after lunch.
Maybe 2:00, 2:15. Okay?
- Great.
- [Man] Gene Wilder,
"Dancing Feet." Music!
[clapperboard claps]
[dramatic music]
[feet tapping]
[feet tapping]
- [exhales] Hah!
- [Director] Cut!
[body thuds]
- Misha?
[crew applauds]
What do ya think?
[dramatic music]
- Thank you.
- Our young hero
seems to be able to help others.
But can others help
him to help himself?
- Oh, so you're back again.
- They told me to come back.
- They think just because
I taught Charo how
to speak English,
I can work miracles every
time out of the box.
Well, uh, just, all
right, sit down,
and we'll try again.
Oh, so this is what
that madman had in mind.
- So, this is what that
madman had in mind.
- No, don't repeat what I said.
The lesson hasn't started yet.
- Don't repeat what I said.
Lesson hasn't started-
- No, shh!
- Shh!
- Stop!
- Stop! How was that?
- How was that?
- You're fine.
- Oh, [laughs] thank you.
- Don't mention it.
- Don't ever do that
again now, please.
Now let's just go on.
All right, now I want you
to get in the right
mood for this.
Picture, if you
will, a rolling sea.
And you're up on the deck,
decked out in nautical togs.
- I got the picture.
- Good. [laughs]
And then you say,
"Avast, ye swabs.
Lower the mizzenmast
and hoist the foresail
on the fo'c'sle.
- Avast, ye slobs.
- No, swabs.
Avast, ye swabs.
- Avast.
Avast, ye slobs!
- No.
- Lever the mizzenmast-
- Lower, lower.
- Lever the mizenmast.
- Forget it.
- Forget it.
- No, don't start that again.
- No, don't start that-
- No, please!
Now listen to me, this is
absolutely your last chance,
because if you can't
get this right,
there's no place for
you in this business.
Now listen closely.
Stow the heavyweight crate
with the pieces of eight
near the gray slate,
first-rate, silver-plate crate.
Then separate the
maroon doubloons
from the shiny, silver shackles,
in the soggy, silky sack.
- Forget it.
- Camera rolling.
- Sound speed.
Baryshnikov screen test.
[clapperboard claps]
- Action!
[dramatic music]
[man groans]
[dramatic music continues]
[Misha laughs]
[whimsical music]
[swords clinking]
[upbeat music]
[swords swishing]
[man groans]
[body thuds]
[swords swishing]
[swords clinking]
[man groans]
[dramatic music continues]
- Ow!
[men groaning]
[gentle music]
- I thought they said
lots of speaking,
little dancing.
- Now put that thing down,
and I'll explain everything.
- Christopher said, "Errol
Flynn, Errol Flynn."
Have you ever seen Errol
Flynn do these steps?
- Just once.
- Just once.
- Come on, Misha!
Dance now. Fight later!
[dramatic music]
[upbeat music]
[sword swishing]
[man groans]
[upbeat music continues]
[swords swishing]
[man groans]
[swords clashing]
[men groaning]
[swords swishing]
[man yells]
[men yelling]
[men groaning]
[sword swishes]
[music slows]
[pirate laughs]
[Misha laughs]
- Oops!
[pirate laughing]
[pirate groans]
- [Director] Cut!
Good for action!
- Good for camera.
[crew applauds]
- Print it.
- Beautiful!
[crew cheering]
[crew applauding]
- [Orson] If your car
misfires, you go to a mechanic.
If your tooth aches,
you go to a dentist.
If your dramatic
skills need sharpening,
you go to an acting coach.
Sometimes it's better
to have a toothache,
as our hero is
about to find out.
- Pick up the wine bottle,
and pour it very slowly and
carefully into the glass.
Keep the eye contact
going, Misha.
You can't lose the eye
contact with... Misha!
[laughs] Here, look
what you've done!
You've overflowed the glass.
You gotta watch what
you're doing when you act.
Forget about the wine,
and let's just talk about the
essence of the scene, okay?
Now you're with Samantha
for the very last time
before you're about to join
your regiment in India.
In a few simple words,
you have to tell her
how much love and feeling
you have in your heart.
And there's a good chance
that you may never return.
And you don't want her to
grieve over your departure.
On the other hand,
you don't want her
to take it too lightly,
because the relationship
might become meaningless
and superficial in the ultimate
scheme of things, okay?
Now let's start from page
78, the top of the page.
Okay, action.
- Samantha, my sweet,
I'm terribly, terribly caught
up in the essence of you.
- Mm-hmm. Ah, Misha.
- I feel this close proximity-
- Okay, okay, [laughs]
loosen, loosen up.
Ya know, I mean, play as though
this is a really romantic
involvement of yours,
and that you are
telling this person,
you really love, goodbye.
I mean, do it, do it,
do it like you dance.
[bells tinkling]
- This close proximity
is a but temporary condition
that unfortunately will
soon be terminated.
Please don't look
at me that way.
We both know how precious
these moments are.
[gentle music]
- Do it like you dance.
[light breezy music]
[light breezy music continues]
[gentle music]
[light breezy music]
[gentle music]
Misha?
Misha?
Are you all right?
- Let's not spoil it
with sad thoughts of parting.
Here, give me your hand.
[glass bangs]
- It's okay.
It's all right. It's okay.
Let's take a 10
minute break, okay?
Just go ahead and come
back in 10 minutes.
I think maybe we're going
about this the wrong way.
The first rule of acting,
get in touch with your emotions.
Find some incident
in your real life
that's similar to the emotions
that you're expected to
convey in this scene,
and use that.
- Well, I have
never been to India,
and I don't know
anybody named Samantha.
- [laughs] I believe it.
I believe it.
But you have maybe
loved someone very much
that you were saying
goodbye to, right?
I mean someone very,
very dear to you,
that perhaps you thought
you might never see again.
- Yes, yes.
- Okay. Tell me about that.
- When I was 14-years-old,
one day, my father said to me,
"I know it's your dream to
study dance in Leningrad,
and here is your train ticket.
You are good boy,
and you deserve it.
You'll stay there and work hard.
And someday, you'll
make us all very proud.
Now pack your things,
and go say goodbye to Anya."
He knew how important
Anya was to me,
how much I care about her.
I loved her.
I had so many
different feelings.
But I went to my room,
and started packing my things.
She was there,
sitting on my bed,
quietly watching
every move I made.
[gentle music]
She look at me, and
I had to turn away.
Then she got up, and
ran out the door.
I remember I start to scream,
"Anya, Anya, wait for me.
I'll return for you.
Please understand."
And the next morning, I was
on train to Leningrad alone
and frightened and
very, very sad.
[gentle music]
- It's wonderful.
Okay, you reached the people.
And you touched them.
See, that's all acting's about.
Reaching people and
touching them emotionally.
It was wonderful.
Now try to hang on
to that feeling.
And apply that feeling to this
farewell scene with Samantha.
Just look across this table,
and make believe that
that's Anya sitting there.
- That will be very hard to do.
- No, Misha. You just do it.
Just make believe it's
Anya at the table!
- Anya was never
allowed at the table,
only under the table.
- Under the table?
- Yeah, she was my dog.
[gentle music]
[Shirley laughs]
- [Woman] Hey, Western
Street! Look at that.
- [Orson] In this town,
actors often play at working
and work at playing.
But sometimes after
really working at working,
they need to relax by
just playing at playing.
And what better place
to play than here
in this oversized
playground, the backlot.
- In here!
[crowd chattering]
Oh, look at this.
- [Man] Hey, wow.
- How many times
have you seen this place
in the movies, huh?
[crowd agreeing]
Hey, pardners! Cards.
- [Men] Cards!
- Stage!
[women laughing]
Hit it!
[somber music]
[doors creak]
- It's him!
[feet clicking]
- Whiskey.
Two.
To your eyes.
[dramatic music]
[fists thudding]
[mirror crashes]
[fist thuds]
[feet stomp]
Oops!
- Hi ya!
[glass shattering]
[feet thud]
[glass shatters]
[women screaming]
- Ha!
[glass crashing]
[man groans]
- Get him!
[bold music]
[man groans]
[donkey braying]
- [Misha] [groans]
Let's go, let's go!
- Hey, Misha, you're dead.
- [Misha] Pow!
- Aww!
[body thuds]
[donkey braying]
[Misha laughs]
- There he is!
- Get him! Let's go!
Get him!
[dramatic music]
- [Man] Let's
chase [indistinct]!
Quick, get him!
- You'll never get me.
[suspenseful music]
[match strikes]
[light jazz music]
[drum tapping]
[man groans]
[upbeat music]
- Freeze, Misha!
[drum taps]
[dramatic music continues]
[drum tapping]
[drum taps]
- See you around, kid.
[whimsical music]
[dramatic music]
[thunder crashing]
[rain pattering]
[upbeat music]
[castanets clicking]
[suspenseful Latin music]
[suspenseful Latin
music continues]
[bottle crashing]
[upbeat Latin music]
[people cheering]
[maracas shaking]
[people clapping rhythmically]
[upbeat Latin music continues]
[upbeat Latin music continues]
[light playful music]
Beep, beep!
[rousing music]
[people chattering]
[upbeat music]
[people yelling]
[upbeat music continues]
Bye, guys!
- [Man] Let's get him, come on!
[bell clanging]
[people chattering]
[upbeat music continues]
- Bye-bye.
[people whistling]
[people yelling]
[gentle music]
- [Orson] After weeks of
trials and tribulation,
the overnight sensation is
about to get an assignment,
worthy of his talent.
In a style of rhetoric that
reeks of understatement,
the producer is about to go
into his soft sell routine.
- Mish, this script
is better than the
final draft of Hamlet.
Shakespeare would have sold
his mother for this script.
It has everything.
It's got wit, charm,
drama, romance, sex.
- Dancing?
- Oh, ho. [laughs]
It happens to be called
"The Dancing Detective,"
but there's little or no
dancing in it, trust me.
- Can I see the script?
- Oh, [laughs] you
actors are all alike.
You're so funny.
You don't have to
see the script.
I'll describe it to you.
Picture this, the office
of the chief inspector.
Little or no furniture.
There is one man using
every fiber of his being
to fight crime in the big city.
Guess who?
- Me.
- [laughs] Oh, you're so smart.
An elegantly-dressed
woman comes in.
She is... [laughs]
Can you visualize it?
- Ah, I am working on it.
- All right, she is
the prima ballerina
of the non-sectarian
ballet company.
She's been robbed.
She pours her heart out
to you and the inspector.
The inspector says.
- Let me get this
straight, Miss.
During last night's
performance of the ballet,
the lights suddenly
went out on stage.
And when they came
back on again,
the valuable necklace you were
wearing for the performance
was missing from your neck.
Is that correct?
- That's true.
- I wanna put my
best man on the case.
Since there's another
performance of the
ballet tonight,
I'd like him to reconstruct
the crime as it happened.
- But this is a terribly
difficult ballet.
It, it requires a
brilliant lead dancer.
[scoffs] What flatfoot could
possibly fill the role?
- Flatfoot does not always
mean flat feet. Ma'am?
[gentle music]
[door slams]
[door slams]
I go by the book.
I searched for the missing
jewels backstage. No luck.
This case could only
be solved on stage.
And everyone was
suspect. Even me.
There is my cue!
- Oh!
Okay.
[upbeat orchestral music]
- I searched everywhere.
[upbeat music continues]
[upbeat music continues]
What's that? A clue?
[music intensifies]
[upbeat orchestral music]
If I was going to
break this case,
I needed a real break.
[upbeat music continues]
Instead of being
rotten to the core,
the corps was rotten to me.
[dramatic music]
[feet stomping]
[feet stomping]
[upbeat music]
Huh!
I knew from the
first time I saw her,
this dame was hiding something.
[audience applauding]
This is the only jewelry you'll
be wearing for awhile, Miss.
You thought you could
steal your own jewelry,
and collect the insurance too.
Book her, Dano.
- But what about my bow?
- Bow her, Dano, then book her.
- Right.
[audience applauding]
- [Misha] Hmm,
It's a rotten job,
but somebody has to do it.
[sultry music]
[bold music]
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
- Oh, whoa!
Come over here.
Hey, ain't he
wonderful? [laughs]
Mish, I'm so pleased
with this film.
I'm ready to offer you
a three-picture deal.
What do you think?
- I think I'm going
back to the ballet.
- [laughs] Back to the ballet?
That's not funny.
Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm, I'm serious.
I'm going back to New York.
I have a wonderful
idea for a ballet
I would like to choreograph.
- But, but, but,
but, listen to me.
I'm talking a
three-picture deal.
- I understand, I understand.
- I'm talking cast
approval, script approval,
your own parking space.
- I have made
[laughs] up my mind.
I'm going to New York.
Please, can you send
a car for me at noon?
- Yes!
- Yes.
And come to New York, we'll
have lunch, okay? Bye.
[gentle music]
- [Orson] True to his
word, a car is sent 'round,
and our hero leaves
The Big Orange,
and heads back to The Big Apple.
[car honks]
[engine sputtering]
Dented, but undaunted.
[gentle music]
[plane zooming]
They say you can take the
boy out of Tinseltown,
but you can't take
Tinseltown out of the boy.
For a change, they may be right.
[suspenseful music]
[audience applauding]
[light airy music]
[clapperboards clapping]
[bold music]
[clapperboards clapping]
[dramatic music]
[lively music]
[swords clashing]
[music intensifies]
[audience applauding]
["Rhapsody in Blue"]
["Rhapsody in Blue" continues]
[music slows]
[rousing music]
["Rhapsody in Blue" continues]
[audience laughing]
[rousing music continues]
[audience applauding]
[audience yelling]
- [Audience member] Bravo!
Bravo!
[audience applauding]
Bravo!
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]
[suspenseful music]
- [Orson] Hold
onto your popcorn,
'cause here comes a
real Hollywood ending.
- Where is he?
Where's my man? Ah, Mish!
Saw the ballet. Loved the
ballet. [kisses fingers]
Bought the ballet.
Gonna make it into a great film.
We're just gonna take
out the dancing. See ya.
- Hooray for Hollywood!
[bold music]
- [Orson] Well, it might not
have been "Citizen Kane,"
but all in all, I think
it was pretty darn good.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music continues]
- [Orson] Hollywood,
the home of tinsel,
glamor, glitter, and promise.
The eternal siren
beckoning to the drab,
the starry-eyed,
the dream chasers.
And if one day fate
should select you,
and the technicolor
goddess calls,
I beg you, don't
put her on hold.
[clapperboard claps]
[light hisses]
Now, let me hear you
say the magic word.
- Hollywood.
I never thought I
would ever be part
of that wonderful fantasy.
But when the technicolor
goddess called,
fortunately I was not
in the shower. [laughs]
Hollywood, how do
you describe it?
Hollywood, how do
you conquer it?
And the most important of all,
Hollywood, how do
you get down off it?
[upbeat music]
- [Announcer] "Baryshnikov
In Hollywood."
[upbeat music]
[body slams]
[water splashes]
[tango music]
[upbeat music]
[foot slams]
[glass breaks]
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
[gentle music]
Starring Mikhail Baryshnikov.
Also starring, as the
producer, Dom DeLuise.
A cameo performance
by Shirley MacLaine.
The girl in "The Sheik,"
Bernadette Peters.
The dialogue coach,
Charles Nelson Reilly.
Narrated by Orson Welles.
Special appearance
by Gene Wilder.
[gentle music]
New York, New York,
crossroads of a million lives.
This is the place where
our hero hangs his hat
and other appurtenances
pertaining to his trade.
It's also the place where
we begin our odyssey.
Once upon a time,
there was a dancer.
[women chattering]
- Sorry, folks.
Sold out.
- [Orson] Even as they pant,
the object of their affection,
bursting with energy
and enthusiasm,
begins the final rehearsal
prior to the final performance
of the ballet season.
- [Orson] They call
it The Big Apple,
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
[breezy music]
[apple crunches]
[breezy music intensifies]
[exhilarating music]
[exhilarating music continues]
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]
[cast cheering]
[people chattering]
After being on his feet
for a whole season,
our hero now plans to soak them
in the waters of the Caribbean.
- Oh, Misha, oh, Misha!
Are you going away?
- Yeah, Bermuda!
Sun, waiter! [laughs]
[all laughing]
Oh, thank you!
- Good bye!
- But plans can go awry.
[Christopher knocking]
- Come in.
- [gasps] Mr. Baryshnikov?
May I call you Mr. Baryshnikov?
- [Misha] Who are you?
- My name is Christopher Monty.
You can call me Chris.
May I take this opportunity,
and lay my cards on the table?
This is my producer's card.
This is my director's card.
This is my dinner's card,
for when we have lunch.
My friend. May I
call you my friend?
I have an eye for talent,
and my eye says that you
wanna come to Hollywood
to be a bigger star
than Valentino!
- Who's Valentina?
- Ha-ha-ha, that's funny.
- I'm going to Bermuda.
I don't want to dance
anymore this season.
- Who said anything about dance?
Did you say anything
about dance?
I didn't say
anything about dance.
You can take these
funny dancin' shoes,
and throw them away.
What do you think of that?
Don't you understand? You're
gonna be a great actor.
Dancers always have
trouble with their feet.
Actors hardly even get corns.
Think about it.
This is important, what
I'm telling you. Listen.
You'll come to Hollywood.
You know what you'll do?
You'll take some voice
and diction lessons.
You'll take some acting lessons.
The next thing you know,
your name is gonna up in lights.
Mikhail Baryshnikov.
[gasps] Ooh!
That's gonna be very
expensive to light.
We may have to
shorten your name.
We'll work on it. Trust me.
Listen, here is a
first-class ticket
to Hollywood and stardom!
What do ya say?
Wait. Think about it.
Just touch the ticket.
Just touch it.
[gentle music]
You don't have to take
it, just touch it.
It's a first-class ticket.
Don't you understand?
They got, they have movies,
champagne, little...
caviar! You'll love caviar.
They have caviar in first class.
You'll enjoy.
[paper ripped away]
Oh, I love that gesture when
you grabbed it and dropped it.
It's so beautiful. I love
it when you're angry!
This is fantastic.
You're an artist. Here.
You dropped this.
You're wonderful.
I'll see you in California.
I'll see you in Hollywood.
You're just like Brando. Oh!
[door slams]
- [Orson] Of course our
hero is much too clever
to be taken in by the promise
of an impossible dream.
[suspenseful music]
Never!
[wheels skidding]
[upbeat jazz music]
Armed solely with his pure heart
and trust in the basic
goodness of mankind,
our latter day Candid is about
to join the teaming throng,
thronging to be on the team.
[dramatic music]
- Hi.
I'm here to see Mr.
Monty. Mr. Baryshnikov.
- Mr. Monty, Mr. Barry
Schnikoff here to see you.
He's gonna make you a
dramatic actor, right?
- I knew it!
I knew it. I knew it.
This is my lucky day.
My horoscope said,
"Mr. One-of-a-kind
is gonna come into
your life today,"
and here you are,
Mr. One-of-a-kind!
Woo-hoo! Thank you, boys.
Don't call us. My
secretary will call you.
- I won't be able to shoot on!
[man whistling]
- [laughs] This has
nothing to do with you.
Ah, everybody in Hollywood
is dyin' to meet ya.
To talk to ya, but not just yet.
Yes, you have a little accent.
Greta Garbo had a little accent.
Voice and diction lessons,
big star. Trust me.
Listen, go talk to Lucius,
the dialogue coach.
Talk to him. No one else!
We gotta have lunch.
You like sushi?
- Yes.
- This is a miracle.
So do I. Well, have
a wonderful day.
- Bye.
- Go be great.
[upbeat music]
- Now, Mr. Baryshnikov,
please repeat after me.
The snow will blow,
and so I go to Nome.
- The snow will blow,
and so why go to Nome.
- No, not so why go.
So I go. Now, please
try just once again.
- The snow will blow,
and so I go to Rome.
- No, not Rome.
Nome.
- Nome.
- I go to Nome, not Rome.
You see, the snow will blow,
and so I go to Nome.
Now you.
- The snow will blow,
and so I go to Nome.
Now you.
- Excuse me just a moment.
Uh, Mr. Monty.
I've just given Mr.
Baryshnikov a dialogue lesson.
Uh-huh. And I've got the
perfect part for him.
Mm-hmm.
[phone clicks]
[Lucius laughs]
- [Man] Hold it down. Quiet.
Speed.
- Slate it.
- [Man] Screen test, silent.
[gentle music]
[dramatic music]
[tango music]
[upbeat tango music]
[upbeat music continues]
[castanets clicking]
[upbeat music continues]
[gentle music]
[bell tinkling]
[dramatic music]
[victorious music]
- [Man] Cut, beautiful!
[crew applauding]
- Print it, please.
- I can understand why they
won't let you talk, but why me?
- [Director] Okay,
let's move ahead here.
- [Orson] Being
new to Hollywood,
our young innocent breaks the
first rule of show business.
He asks the producer an
intelligent question.
- Look, Mish, I know that
you weren't too happy
with the silent screen
test, but not to worry.
My writers are
working on somethin'
that's gonna be fabulous,
even as we speak.
- Speaking of speaking, when
do I get a chance to speak?
- Rome was not in one day built.
- But you said-
- Trust me, trust me.
Oh my goodness. Look,
I'm gonna be late.
I got two meetings back to back.
Call my answering machine.
Let's have lunch.
Remember, you are great. Ha ha!
- You understand?
It's a ballet sequence
for 20 seconds,
right in the middle
of the movie.
And it has to be something
uh, that just knocks the
audience off their feet.
Here's the story.
I'm walking along,
singing a song,
Central Park, moonlit night.
I'm a little sad, a
little melancholy.
All of a sudden, boom! Shazam!
I see this face
of a lonely, gorgeous girl.
And I say, "What can I do?"
Something to get her attention.
Just something a little,
a little dazzling.
That's all I want
for number one.
- Start simple walk.
[gentle piano music]
- I can do that. That's
good, that's good.
[gentle piano music]
- Cool?
- Are you kidding,
or was that it?
- Yeah.
- It was nice.
But, I, I...
I need...
She's gotta go, "Ah!" Like that.
"Yikes!" When she,
when she sees this.
You know what I mean?
- All right. [laughs]
Okay.
[lively piano music]
- Now, you're cooking!
That's it.
That's what I wanted. Okay.
Show it to me once more.
- Now you're cooking.
- And you turn.
- Want to do it together?
- Clockwise.
- Do it, do it.
Just look at me and repeat it.
- Okay.
[lively piano music]
Right, frozen. Got it.
Okay. [claps]
I got it! Now, number two.
I've got her attention.
Her eyes are looking at me.
Now, electricity,
bouncing, back and forth!
Fireworks! Give
me all your stuff.
I need something that they say,
"How did Gene ever
learn how to do that?"
I mean something
that's just...[yelling]
Um, do you know
Romeo and Juliet?
Did you ever read that
when you were a kid?
- Yeah, sure.
- Shakespeare, right?
The night that they met,
when Roman and Juliet met?
Like firecrackers!
Like the fireworks, going
off between their hearts.
That's what I need.
What do you got?
Show me your best stuff.
- I don't know how.
- You don't know how?
If you don't know how, who does?
What did, what did you
think I came to you for?
To learn how to make borscht?
[Misha laughs]
Search back in your memory,
from when you were
a kid in Russia!
Did they teach you anything?
- I'll, I'll, I'll try.
I'll try, okay.
- Okay.
[lively piano music]
Heaven on a stick.
It's perfect.
It's just beautiful.
Okay? I do it with you once?
- Sure.
- Okay.
That's exactly what I meant.
[lively piano music]
- [Misha] And look at her.
And look at her.
- Frozen! History!
Done! Perfect!
Okay, now! Number three.
This is it.
I've got her attention.
She's watching me.
Electricity is flowing
back and forth between us.
I know I got you,
but I'm not giving
it all to you yet.
You're gonna have to wait.
You're gonna have to
wait a little bit longer,
a little bit longer and now!
Wha-shoo!
Give her the works.
You know what I mean?
Wha-shoo!
That's it.
What do you got along that line?
[dramatic music]
Simple, yet, it says it.
The only thing I
didn't understand
is the arm movement.
- Yeah?
- When do you do it?
Do you do knee-arm,
or do you arm-knee?
- Together.
- Together!
- What will be the word?
- Together.
- [laughs] And...
[Misha exhales]
- What's that sound?
- [exhales] Hah.
I'm yours.
- [Both] Hah.
- I'm yours.
[exhales] It's not too phony?
- No, no-no.
- [exhales] That's it?
- Good.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- I'll buy it.
Okay, will you come
and watch me tomorrow?
- I'd love to.
- Stage 15. Come
right after lunch.
Maybe 2:00, 2:15. Okay?
- Great.
- [Man] Gene Wilder,
"Dancing Feet." Music!
[clapperboard claps]
[dramatic music]
[feet tapping]
[feet tapping]
- [exhales] Hah!
- [Director] Cut!
[body thuds]
- Misha?
[crew applauds]
What do ya think?
[dramatic music]
- Thank you.
- Our young hero
seems to be able to help others.
But can others help
him to help himself?
- Oh, so you're back again.
- They told me to come back.
- They think just because
I taught Charo how
to speak English,
I can work miracles every
time out of the box.
Well, uh, just, all
right, sit down,
and we'll try again.
Oh, so this is what
that madman had in mind.
- So, this is what that
madman had in mind.
- No, don't repeat what I said.
The lesson hasn't started yet.
- Don't repeat what I said.
Lesson hasn't started-
- No, shh!
- Shh!
- Stop!
- Stop! How was that?
- How was that?
- You're fine.
- Oh, [laughs] thank you.
- Don't mention it.
- Don't ever do that
again now, please.
Now let's just go on.
All right, now I want you
to get in the right
mood for this.
Picture, if you
will, a rolling sea.
And you're up on the deck,
decked out in nautical togs.
- I got the picture.
- Good. [laughs]
And then you say,
"Avast, ye swabs.
Lower the mizzenmast
and hoist the foresail
on the fo'c'sle.
- Avast, ye slobs.
- No, swabs.
Avast, ye swabs.
- Avast.
Avast, ye slobs!
- No.
- Lever the mizzenmast-
- Lower, lower.
- Lever the mizenmast.
- Forget it.
- Forget it.
- No, don't start that again.
- No, don't start that-
- No, please!
Now listen to me, this is
absolutely your last chance,
because if you can't
get this right,
there's no place for
you in this business.
Now listen closely.
Stow the heavyweight crate
with the pieces of eight
near the gray slate,
first-rate, silver-plate crate.
Then separate the
maroon doubloons
from the shiny, silver shackles,
in the soggy, silky sack.
- Forget it.
- Camera rolling.
- Sound speed.
Baryshnikov screen test.
[clapperboard claps]
- Action!
[dramatic music]
[man groans]
[dramatic music continues]
[Misha laughs]
[whimsical music]
[swords clinking]
[upbeat music]
[swords swishing]
[man groans]
[body thuds]
[swords swishing]
[swords clinking]
[man groans]
[dramatic music continues]
- Ow!
[men groaning]
[gentle music]
- I thought they said
lots of speaking,
little dancing.
- Now put that thing down,
and I'll explain everything.
- Christopher said, "Errol
Flynn, Errol Flynn."
Have you ever seen Errol
Flynn do these steps?
- Just once.
- Just once.
- Come on, Misha!
Dance now. Fight later!
[dramatic music]
[upbeat music]
[sword swishing]
[man groans]
[upbeat music continues]
[swords swishing]
[man groans]
[swords clashing]
[men groaning]
[swords swishing]
[man yells]
[men yelling]
[men groaning]
[sword swishes]
[music slows]
[pirate laughs]
[Misha laughs]
- Oops!
[pirate laughing]
[pirate groans]
- [Director] Cut!
Good for action!
- Good for camera.
[crew applauds]
- Print it.
- Beautiful!
[crew cheering]
[crew applauding]
- [Orson] If your car
misfires, you go to a mechanic.
If your tooth aches,
you go to a dentist.
If your dramatic
skills need sharpening,
you go to an acting coach.
Sometimes it's better
to have a toothache,
as our hero is
about to find out.
- Pick up the wine bottle,
and pour it very slowly and
carefully into the glass.
Keep the eye contact
going, Misha.
You can't lose the eye
contact with... Misha!
[laughs] Here, look
what you've done!
You've overflowed the glass.
You gotta watch what
you're doing when you act.
Forget about the wine,
and let's just talk about the
essence of the scene, okay?
Now you're with Samantha
for the very last time
before you're about to join
your regiment in India.
In a few simple words,
you have to tell her
how much love and feeling
you have in your heart.
And there's a good chance
that you may never return.
And you don't want her to
grieve over your departure.
On the other hand,
you don't want her
to take it too lightly,
because the relationship
might become meaningless
and superficial in the ultimate
scheme of things, okay?
Now let's start from page
78, the top of the page.
Okay, action.
- Samantha, my sweet,
I'm terribly, terribly caught
up in the essence of you.
- Mm-hmm. Ah, Misha.
- I feel this close proximity-
- Okay, okay, [laughs]
loosen, loosen up.
Ya know, I mean, play as though
this is a really romantic
involvement of yours,
and that you are
telling this person,
you really love, goodbye.
I mean, do it, do it,
do it like you dance.
[bells tinkling]
- This close proximity
is a but temporary condition
that unfortunately will
soon be terminated.
Please don't look
at me that way.
We both know how precious
these moments are.
[gentle music]
- Do it like you dance.
[light breezy music]
[light breezy music continues]
[gentle music]
[light breezy music]
[gentle music]
Misha?
Misha?
Are you all right?
- Let's not spoil it
with sad thoughts of parting.
Here, give me your hand.
[glass bangs]
- It's okay.
It's all right. It's okay.
Let's take a 10
minute break, okay?
Just go ahead and come
back in 10 minutes.
I think maybe we're going
about this the wrong way.
The first rule of acting,
get in touch with your emotions.
Find some incident
in your real life
that's similar to the emotions
that you're expected to
convey in this scene,
and use that.
- Well, I have
never been to India,
and I don't know
anybody named Samantha.
- [laughs] I believe it.
I believe it.
But you have maybe
loved someone very much
that you were saying
goodbye to, right?
I mean someone very,
very dear to you,
that perhaps you thought
you might never see again.
- Yes, yes.
- Okay. Tell me about that.
- When I was 14-years-old,
one day, my father said to me,
"I know it's your dream to
study dance in Leningrad,
and here is your train ticket.
You are good boy,
and you deserve it.
You'll stay there and work hard.
And someday, you'll
make us all very proud.
Now pack your things,
and go say goodbye to Anya."
He knew how important
Anya was to me,
how much I care about her.
I loved her.
I had so many
different feelings.
But I went to my room,
and started packing my things.
She was there,
sitting on my bed,
quietly watching
every move I made.
[gentle music]
She look at me, and
I had to turn away.
Then she got up, and
ran out the door.
I remember I start to scream,
"Anya, Anya, wait for me.
I'll return for you.
Please understand."
And the next morning, I was
on train to Leningrad alone
and frightened and
very, very sad.
[gentle music]
- It's wonderful.
Okay, you reached the people.
And you touched them.
See, that's all acting's about.
Reaching people and
touching them emotionally.
It was wonderful.
Now try to hang on
to that feeling.
And apply that feeling to this
farewell scene with Samantha.
Just look across this table,
and make believe that
that's Anya sitting there.
- That will be very hard to do.
- No, Misha. You just do it.
Just make believe it's
Anya at the table!
- Anya was never
allowed at the table,
only under the table.
- Under the table?
- Yeah, she was my dog.
[gentle music]
[Shirley laughs]
- [Woman] Hey, Western
Street! Look at that.
- [Orson] In this town,
actors often play at working
and work at playing.
But sometimes after
really working at working,
they need to relax by
just playing at playing.
And what better place
to play than here
in this oversized
playground, the backlot.
- In here!
[crowd chattering]
Oh, look at this.
- [Man] Hey, wow.
- How many times
have you seen this place
in the movies, huh?
[crowd agreeing]
Hey, pardners! Cards.
- [Men] Cards!
- Stage!
[women laughing]
Hit it!
[somber music]
[doors creak]
- It's him!
[feet clicking]
- Whiskey.
Two.
To your eyes.
[dramatic music]
[fists thudding]
[mirror crashes]
[fist thuds]
[feet stomp]
Oops!
- Hi ya!
[glass shattering]
[feet thud]
[glass shatters]
[women screaming]
- Ha!
[glass crashing]
[man groans]
- Get him!
[bold music]
[man groans]
[donkey braying]
- [Misha] [groans]
Let's go, let's go!
- Hey, Misha, you're dead.
- [Misha] Pow!
- Aww!
[body thuds]
[donkey braying]
[Misha laughs]
- There he is!
- Get him! Let's go!
Get him!
[dramatic music]
- [Man] Let's
chase [indistinct]!
Quick, get him!
- You'll never get me.
[suspenseful music]
[match strikes]
[light jazz music]
[drum tapping]
[man groans]
[upbeat music]
- Freeze, Misha!
[drum taps]
[dramatic music continues]
[drum tapping]
[drum taps]
- See you around, kid.
[whimsical music]
[dramatic music]
[thunder crashing]
[rain pattering]
[upbeat music]
[castanets clicking]
[suspenseful Latin music]
[suspenseful Latin
music continues]
[bottle crashing]
[upbeat Latin music]
[people cheering]
[maracas shaking]
[people clapping rhythmically]
[upbeat Latin music continues]
[upbeat Latin music continues]
[light playful music]
Beep, beep!
[rousing music]
[people chattering]
[upbeat music]
[people yelling]
[upbeat music continues]
Bye, guys!
- [Man] Let's get him, come on!
[bell clanging]
[people chattering]
[upbeat music continues]
- Bye-bye.
[people whistling]
[people yelling]
[gentle music]
- [Orson] After weeks of
trials and tribulation,
the overnight sensation is
about to get an assignment,
worthy of his talent.
In a style of rhetoric that
reeks of understatement,
the producer is about to go
into his soft sell routine.
- Mish, this script
is better than the
final draft of Hamlet.
Shakespeare would have sold
his mother for this script.
It has everything.
It's got wit, charm,
drama, romance, sex.
- Dancing?
- Oh, ho. [laughs]
It happens to be called
"The Dancing Detective,"
but there's little or no
dancing in it, trust me.
- Can I see the script?
- Oh, [laughs] you
actors are all alike.
You're so funny.
You don't have to
see the script.
I'll describe it to you.
Picture this, the office
of the chief inspector.
Little or no furniture.
There is one man using
every fiber of his being
to fight crime in the big city.
Guess who?
- Me.
- [laughs] Oh, you're so smart.
An elegantly-dressed
woman comes in.
She is... [laughs]
Can you visualize it?
- Ah, I am working on it.
- All right, she is
the prima ballerina
of the non-sectarian
ballet company.
She's been robbed.
She pours her heart out
to you and the inspector.
The inspector says.
- Let me get this
straight, Miss.
During last night's
performance of the ballet,
the lights suddenly
went out on stage.
And when they came
back on again,
the valuable necklace you were
wearing for the performance
was missing from your neck.
Is that correct?
- That's true.
- I wanna put my
best man on the case.
Since there's another
performance of the
ballet tonight,
I'd like him to reconstruct
the crime as it happened.
- But this is a terribly
difficult ballet.
It, it requires a
brilliant lead dancer.
[scoffs] What flatfoot could
possibly fill the role?
- Flatfoot does not always
mean flat feet. Ma'am?
[gentle music]
[door slams]
[door slams]
I go by the book.
I searched for the missing
jewels backstage. No luck.
This case could only
be solved on stage.
And everyone was
suspect. Even me.
There is my cue!
- Oh!
Okay.
[upbeat orchestral music]
- I searched everywhere.
[upbeat music continues]
[upbeat music continues]
What's that? A clue?
[music intensifies]
[upbeat orchestral music]
If I was going to
break this case,
I needed a real break.
[upbeat music continues]
Instead of being
rotten to the core,
the corps was rotten to me.
[dramatic music]
[feet stomping]
[feet stomping]
[upbeat music]
Huh!
I knew from the
first time I saw her,
this dame was hiding something.
[audience applauding]
This is the only jewelry you'll
be wearing for awhile, Miss.
You thought you could
steal your own jewelry,
and collect the insurance too.
Book her, Dano.
- But what about my bow?
- Bow her, Dano, then book her.
- Right.
[audience applauding]
- [Misha] Hmm,
It's a rotten job,
but somebody has to do it.
[sultry music]
[bold music]
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
- Oh, whoa!
Come over here.
Hey, ain't he
wonderful? [laughs]
Mish, I'm so pleased
with this film.
I'm ready to offer you
a three-picture deal.
What do you think?
- I think I'm going
back to the ballet.
- [laughs] Back to the ballet?
That's not funny.
Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm, I'm serious.
I'm going back to New York.
I have a wonderful
idea for a ballet
I would like to choreograph.
- But, but, but,
but, listen to me.
I'm talking a
three-picture deal.
- I understand, I understand.
- I'm talking cast
approval, script approval,
your own parking space.
- I have made
[laughs] up my mind.
I'm going to New York.
Please, can you send
a car for me at noon?
- Yes!
- Yes.
And come to New York, we'll
have lunch, okay? Bye.
[gentle music]
- [Orson] True to his
word, a car is sent 'round,
and our hero leaves
The Big Orange,
and heads back to The Big Apple.
[car honks]
[engine sputtering]
Dented, but undaunted.
[gentle music]
[plane zooming]
They say you can take the
boy out of Tinseltown,
but you can't take
Tinseltown out of the boy.
For a change, they may be right.
[suspenseful music]
[audience applauding]
[light airy music]
[clapperboards clapping]
[bold music]
[clapperboards clapping]
[dramatic music]
[lively music]
[swords clashing]
[music intensifies]
[audience applauding]
["Rhapsody in Blue"]
["Rhapsody in Blue" continues]
[music slows]
[rousing music]
["Rhapsody in Blue" continues]
[audience laughing]
[rousing music continues]
[audience applauding]
[audience yelling]
- [Audience member] Bravo!
Bravo!
[audience applauding]
Bravo!
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]
[suspenseful music]
- [Orson] Hold
onto your popcorn,
'cause here comes a
real Hollywood ending.
- Where is he?
Where's my man? Ah, Mish!
Saw the ballet. Loved the
ballet. [kisses fingers]
Bought the ballet.
Gonna make it into a great film.
We're just gonna take
out the dancing. See ya.
- Hooray for Hollywood!
[bold music]
- [Orson] Well, it might not
have been "Citizen Kane,"
but all in all, I think
it was pretty darn good.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music continues]