Barry McKenzie Holds His Own (1974) - full transcript
Barry McKenzie's Aunt Edna is kidnapped by Count Von Plasma, the vampire head of an isolated Eastern European dictatorship who mistakes her for the Queen of England and thinks that kidnapping her will draw tourists to his country. Barry and his mates set out to rescue her and bring her back to Australia.
(KOOKABURRA)
How do you do?
My name is
Senator Douglas Manton,
and I'm the Australian
Minister for Culture.
You know the world has enjoyed some
very wonderful cultural renaissances,
insofar as culture is concerned.
The Egyptian Dynasty...
The very wonderful Greek civilisation...
The grandeur that was Rome...
The Italian Renaissance,
and the artistic glories of France.
However, none of these very
wonderful movements
can compare with the
Australian Cultural Renaissance
which is sweeping the world
at the present period of time.
You know we Aussies are pretty
slow to blow our own trumpets,
but I think I can say without fear of
successful contradiction
that among the many fields of
artistic endeavour,
in which we Australians have shown
such wonderful leadership,
is the art of the motion picture.
The fillum which you are about to see now
makes me proud to be an Australian.
(ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR)
♪ Barry McKenzie holds his own
♪ Who would you want for your
very best mate?
♪ Barry McKenzie
♪ Who makes you feel
Australia's great?
♪ Barry McKenzie
♪ Who makes the soul of freedom swerve
beneath his thrust and parry?
♪ When hope is losing
who stands firm?
♪ Barry McKenzie
Barry
♪ When there's trouble ahoy
he's a man with the most respect
♪ Ooo those vampires creak
and their knees grow weak
♪ He always stands erect
♪ When there's trouble ahoy
When other folks have gone
♪ In times of need our Barry
holds his own
♪ Although other nations rise and fall
Rise and fall McKenzie
♪ He holds out all against them all
♪ Holds our all McKenzie
♪ The poor old Poms can hardly stand
too much dead weight to carry
♪ But fate has taken itself in hand
With Barry McKenzie
♪ Barry, Barry McKenzie
Barry ♪
Attention tout Le monde,
madam and monsieurs,
this is ZiZi your Frogair hostess
and your Captain is the famous
Master Escargo.
For madam, monsieur,
an aperitif?
Ah, no tea, monsieur, no.
Though they look very fresh.
No thanks, all the same.
I never eat on an empty stomach.
- Wouldn't mind a nice cold ale though.
- Pardon?
I'm that thirsty I could drink out of
a Japanese wrestler's jockstrap.
Oh Barry don't make such crude remarks about
our dear little stunted, slant-eyes yellow friends!
- You got frogs' legs, haven't ya?
- Oui monsieur.
- Well hope off and get us a drink.
- Mad Australian!
Strewth Aunty, what are you doing?
Oh, it's just a little tiara
I picked up in London, Barry.
Isn't it gorgeous?
I'm going to wear it to the Opera House
for the first night of the Algerian Space Circus.
I'll be the cynosure of all eyes.
- I was right. It's her.
- You are sure?
But she has glasses.
The queen does not wear glasses.
- She's incognito, imbecile!
Then the man is Prince Charles.
Imbecile. Prince Charles has a mole
on his right buttock.
That man is a Royal Body Guard
and he's built like a
brick shittenhausen.
Wake me up when we get to Gay Paree.
No worries, Aunty.
He must be liquidated.
- Dan's after the blonde stirring...
Hey, Bazza!
- Scrotum Baker, you old bastard!
- Can you keep one down?
Just watch me!
Better than that Pommie piss!
Baker!
- Get one of these up ya!
- Yeah, right mate, ta!
- Going back to Oz, lads.
- What route are you taking?
No-one mate.
Travelling with my Aunty Edna.
Geez! Cop the Frog hostie, Bazz!
Bet she's a box tosser.
- I could be in there up to the apricots
and off like a grenade.
- Plenty more of that in Paris, mate.
- Dunno.
Bloke can pick up Christ-knows-what
from one of them Continental sheilas.
Mate of mine knew a bloke who told him
he had a friend who's mate's nose
dropped off after going
chockers with a Frog!
Oh, Marcel!
Back in a jiff, fellas.
Just off to rinse the prince.
- Yeah, righto, Bazz. See ya.
- Righto mate.
- Hi! Dr. Delamphry!
- Oh! Mr. McKenzie, my dear.
Former patient of mine
at the clinic.
I'd like you to meet
Miss Rhonda Cutforth-Jones,
editor of 'Jet Set'.
Pleased to meet you.
Hiya, horny!
Ah, look, Doc...
Madam fought off the guard!
I'm glad I got this chance to
talk to you private-like, Doc.
Well McKenzie, you couldn't have chosen
more intimate surroundings.
It's the sheila's.
I've got this little problem.
You're right McKenzie,
it is a little problem.
I mean, how come a good-lookin',
clean-cut Australian like me
gets so many knockbacks when some dirty,
greasy, ikey, no-style old bastard like you
scores it for a knee trembler
with an Abo in an airborne dunny?
Sorry Doc, I hope I didn't get you
with me gong beater!
- Ya dacks drip dry?
- I should be so lucky!
Mr. McKenzie, in answer to
your romantic problem,
Miss Cutforth-Jones and I are
on our way to Paris
for an international sex seminar-
Christ and the Orgasm.
Perhaps you and your delightful wife might
care to join us for some of the lectures.
That's me Aunty Edna.
Oh, we there yet, Barry?
No, Aunty.
This is Dr. Delamphrey and Miss...
Cutforth-Jones.
How do you do?
I've just been having my
beauty sleep here.
We've been trying to persuade
your charming nephew here
to look into some of our theological
seminars during your stopover in Paris.
I'm sure you'll both find
them spiritually uplifting.
Oh do come, Mr. McKenzie.
It's fascinating.
Do you realise that a high
percentage of young men
are unable to find sexual satisfaction?
You don't say?
How do you work that out?
My magazine conducted a
door-to-door survey.
Strewth, you can't expect for
a bloke to crack it for a fat
on his own front doorstep!
Furthermore, our questionnaire
revealed that a starling proportion of
males under twenty-five
find themselves virgins.
Lucky bastards!
Barry, we're in Paris.
Isn't it exciting?
I believe it's almost as
cosmopolitan as Sydney.
- No worries, Aunty.
- We must not lose touch.
I want you for the male centrespread
of my October issue.
The chicks who read my mag are
bananas about you well-hung Aussies, darl.
- Beauty, Rhonda.
- Barry, dear, hurry up!
- What's that Aunty?
- Just an old metal detector, Silly Billy!
- Come along dear, quick stick!
Frog bastards!
Hello, I would like to make
a reverse charge call to...
Transylvania.
You old bastards!
Come on over!
How are ya!
(WOLF HOWLS)
Plasma Castle...
Plasma speaking.
Just reporting, master.
- We have located the Queen.
- A chantée, Mon princess.
We are quite sure, but the
bodyguard was bristling in weapons.
Stiff cheese, hey Baz,
the fuzz bustin' your Fosters!
No prob, Skeet. Always manage to keep
a couple of spares up my sleeve.
Master, he's still armed.
Some kind of a Molotov cocktail.
None of your whimpering excuses, cretin.
I want Her majesty in this castle
- by noon on Friday night.
And if you harm so much as a hair...
on her legs...
You know the consequences!
I smell success.
Clothilde, this calls for a drink.
Dorothy, the Queen of England, with a little
encouragement, will be spending
her holidays in our nice country.
Once she has tasted the delights
of Transylvania
our tourist industry
will be the envy of the world.
Dorothy, I tell you,
I have a hunch about this.
So have I, master.
So have I.
Hey Baz, meet Col the Frog.
He comes from Melbourne but he's been
knocking around Gay Paree for donkey's years.
He's a bit of an old bludger,
but he knows where the action is.
Speaks the lingo perfect.
- Bonjour, monsieur.
- G'day!
Tre bonze to meet ya.
Barry, Mr. Lucas,
or Colin, if I may,
has offered to show us the sights
of Gay Paree.
His mastery of the language will
prove him very valuable.
Too flambé right!
It's an ill vent that
blows no-one any bon.
- Merci, madam.
Oh, Mr. Lucas, you have the gift of tongues,
would you order some lovely food for us?
Avec pleasure, madam
Garcon, bring a vous what's
the menus of this place,
and don't spare the flambé bechamel.
I could go a steak.
How would monsieur like his steak?
Ah, just knock off its horns, wipe
its arse and bung it on the plate.
Lovely, lovely, lovely!
Oh, isn't it lovely?
I can't wait to show my Paris footage at
the Melbourne Creative Leisure Centre.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Col.
- Yeah?
I reckon that dinner I put down
at lunchtime was a bit on the nose.
Got a funny feelin' in me Ned Kelly...
I'm gonna cry Ruth!
Better do it over the rail, Mon ami.
Notice the way the little Frog
sheila keeps lookin' at me?
Think she'd be in a game of
'Sink the Sausage', no risk!
Bazza!
Barry McKenzie...
It's me, Nerida Breeley!
You remember, in the old Bondi West
Sunday school days?
Nerida Breeley!
Cripes, what are you doin' here?
I was just a poor innocent
Australian come on a trip to London
when my work permit ran out.
I took up this job so I could save up the
fare for a mini trek over to Afghanistan.
- Does your mother know you've
got a job like this?
Cripes, I never thought I'd see the
day when a decent, clean-living
Australian sheila would
sink this low!
Nerida Breeley! Don't you realise the
bastards who come to opera houses
like this are the scum of the earth?
Don't come the blue-nose wowser, Baz.
Besides, you were never against having
a bit of a grope Sunday arvo
by the dunny at Shark Beach.
Yeah, but that wasn't in front of a
dirty great mob of perving Frogs and Deigos!
Barry, a girl's got to eat!
I'm gonna save you from all this
you poor little kid!
- Get outta the way, Barry!
Your Aunty's in Bondi.
Think about your poor brother Craig!
And what about Russell, your boyfriend?
Slaving his guts out for that block of land,
the poor deluded bastard!
Hey wait a minute you Froggie!
I'm just trying to save this Australian lass!
You're a ravin' ratbag, Baz!
You wrecked a bloody-good
cultural show!
You bastards don't give a stuff
about Australia's image!
I missed the bodyguard by two seconds.
I had the bomb right under his seat!
How was I to know he would
be kicked out of the club?
- ...that explosion! Nearly got...
- Where have you been, Barry, my lad?
- Sorry Aunty.
- I've been standing here...
Das cultural underground opera house, see...
I kill him now and then grab the Queen.
Don't be a fool!
If you miss and kill Her Majesty
you know where the Count
is capable of sending us?
- No!
- Yes...Australia!
Jeez Col, how can you stand
livin' in this dirty old dump?
There's a lot of old buildings and
not a decent beach in sight!
Strewth! Look at that ruin!
Why don't they knock it down
and put up some amenities?
You know, like garages, bottle shops,
a few drive-in Opera Houses?
An arty-crafty bloke like you'd
be laughin' back in Australia now.
The government's shellin' out piles
of moolah for any bastard who reckons
he can paint pictures, write poems
and make fillums!
Look at old Paddy.
He's a film critic from Sydney.
Copped twenty thousand just to
come over here and go to the flix!
Blood oath!
I mean don't let this clapped-out
culture grab you ,mate.
Back in Oz now we got culture
up to our arseholes!
It's no good, Baz. Wild shivelles
wouldn't drag me back to Oz now.
I once was shook on a sheila
in Melbourne.
- We were gonna be married.
- Yeah?
Yeah. Col, she says to me:
'I'll bend over backwards to make you happy'.
And then I found out she was
bending over backwards
for a lot of other blokes,
including one of me best mates.
So I came over to the
old Gay Paree...to forget.
Mon dieu.
I tell ya, Baz, I'd have crawled over
half a mile of broken glass
just to hear that little sheila
piss into an empty jam tin.
Strewth Col, did you ever tell her
you felt that way about her?
G'day, Col.
Brought around a bon little fille
to meet you, Baz.
They reckon she goes off
like an alarm clock.
If she goes off in here
there'll be strife.
Me Aunty Edna's in the next room.
Allo darling.
You 'ave a little gift for Germaine?
Col tells me you Australian.
A friend of mine is Au pair to
an Australian dentist.
She say he like it,
how do you say, plain and simple...
But Germaine not so simple.
Yeah, I reckon that. Hey, she's
comin'' on a bit strong, isn't she, Col?
Takes two to tango, Baz.
- You might have to butter her up a bit.
Look, Col, I hope I don't cop
a rash or something.
I remember me dad tellin' me
about his mate during the war.
Had a naughty with a Deigo tart and
the poor bastard's nose dropped off!
This lovely mademoiselle is
no ordinary tart.
- She comes from one of the top families.
- Convent educated.
- She's RC!
RC, AC, DC- the lot!
Come on for just for me drongle.
I'm in for horse collar!
Germaine is cold.
You come here, keep her warm.
Look, couldn't you come back later?
I was supposed to be going out
with me Aunty Edna.
This Edna is sexy, yeah,
like Charmaine?
I bet Germaine knows more tricks
than this Edna.
I reckon you're not wrong there, Germie.
Listen, hold on. Hold ya horses!
Me nose'll be a right-off
at this rate!
Aw, stone the crows!
Now you've done it!
I reckon it's loose already.
- Tomorrow morning I'll probably be
looking for it among the bed clothes!
- What a mug I've been.
- Barry?
- Barry, what's going on in there dear?
- Nothing, Aunty.
Look, Germie, you're a colossal
lookin' sheila and all that,
and to tell you the truth I'm that randy I
could root the hair on a barber shop floor,
but I promise my Aunty Edna
I'd take her to this lecture.
Bugger me dead! That sky pilot's
a dead ringer for you, Bazza!
Barry, Barry, it's Kevin.
- Barry, isn't it a small world?!
I wonder if he brought Cherylene?
Kevin?! Looks like a flamin' pie eater!
Gee Bazza, your brother is a sky pilot!
No wonder you never let on about him.
Pull your head in!
I don't think a bloke would skite
to his mates
- that his only twin brother
wears his collar back to front, do you?
He's the only one on your side of the
family with a modicum of refinement, Barry.
Oh, yeah.
Look boys, I've still got that snap taken of
Barry and Kevin when they were toddlers.
- You poofters!
Dearly beloved, the Reverend
Kevin McKenzie from Australia.
He's no stranger to you
who have read his wonderful book
'The Coming of Age on Kangaroo Island'.
- The Reverend Kevin McKenzie...
- Kev, look who's here!
Barry!
Would you believe?
- It's been donkey's years!
- G'day Cherylene.
Gee it's bonza to see a real, fair-dinkum
Australian sheila for a change.
Oh Kevin, it's quite a family reunion.
Verily, Aunt.
God moveth in a mysterious way.
The family that prays together
stays together.
Geez Barry, you're just the same.
We heard you'd gone all sophisticated
from being in England.
Yeah, they reckon me Aussie accent's
nearly disappeared.
Cherylene, curbest thou thy enthusiasm
for my profligate brother if thou willest.
Fair suck of the pineapple, Kev.
Look at you all dressed up like
a pox doctor's clerk!
- You haven't changed.
- Neither hast thou.
- Barrington.
- Barrington?!
Big sheila!
I told you never to call
me that, Kev.
The others will reckon
I'm a shirt lifter!
Seest thou drongos later.
We're that proud of young Kevin.
The bodyguard.
- Hopefully I'll be contributing a paper
on the modern church.
He has yet to accept the consecrated
use of marijuana in communion service.
Christ would have really dug the gay scene.
Have you ever balled another chick,
Mrs. Everage?
I may be old fashioned, young woman,
but lesbianism has always left
a nasty taste in my mouth.
And without any further ado,
I would like to welcome him
to this parish seminar on
Christ and the Orgasm.
dearly beloved, the very Reverend
Kevin McKenzie.
The very Reverend
Kevin McKenzie...
- Kevin...McKenzie!
Barry, Edna, Kevin's disappeared!
They can't find him anywhere.
Have you tried looking in
the throttling pit?
There's no-one in the rest room, Barry.
Quite frankly I'm frantic!
- The very, very Reverend, Kevi McKenzie!
The Bishop sounds worried.
Sounds like a ravin' ratbag to me, Aunty.
- I've got it Barry- you go on.
- Me?!
- Come off it Cherylene.
- Don't be mad, you can't let the family down.
If they think Kevin's shot through, he'll
be up the creek with the Bishop of Bondi!
You have to do it Barry.
You can't let Australia down.
Right-o, Aunty.
And now here he is,
all the way from Sydney, Australia-
the Reverend Kevin Menzies
Nelson Eddy McKenzie.
Thanks Arch.
As a sexual counselor,
what might your approach be
- to a young female parishioner
with grave
nyphomaniacal tendencies?
I reckon that's a tough one.
Ah, I suppose I'd take her to
the pictures...
- buy her a few shandies
and then have a crack at
puttin' the ferret through the furry hoop.
They're loving him, Cheryl.
Mr. McKenzie, I'm a priest.
I'm also a homosexual.
- My gay liberation colleagues in Australia
tell me there is employment
discrimination against us.
- Speaking as a churchman and humanitarian,
where would you place me in Australia?
I reckon somewhere around Kings Cross
in one of them all night dunnies.
Good on ya, Rev!
You're not a man of the cloth, obviously.
Now for the queen.
Sir, in your book,
'The Coming of Age on Kangaroo Island',
you refer to the local Flying Saucer
Society as a bunch of ratbags.
What exactly is a 'ratbag'?
♪ A ratbag is a sheila or a bloke
(Or a bloke)
♪ Who's kinda funny
but like who never sees the joke
♪ Now take me mother's brother
Uncle Graham
♪ He's a ravin' bloody ratbag
through and through
♪ He collects old kettles
makes his own wine outta metals
♪ And he reckons Adolph Hitler
was a Jew!
♪ He's always seeing flying saucers landing
♪ Bringing ratbags to the earth
from outer space
♪ And he's written in his will
that when he dies we have to spill
♪ his ash on Melbourne Cup Day
underneath the race
♪ (Oh yes he is)
A ratbag
♪ (Yes he is)
A ravin' ratbag
♪ (Yes he is)
He's a screwball, he's a nutcase there's no doubt
♪ And if you think you're ratbag free
Then just shake your family tree
♪ See some great big ravin' ratbags
fallin' out
♪ If you eat your sweet and sour pork with chopsticks
♪ When you're at home with
no-one round to see
♪ If you're a Filipino healer
or think Shakespeare was a sheila
♪ Or you try to cure
your warts with herbal tea
♪ If you listen to the latest teenage guru
Or you pin your faith on Scientology
♪ If you grow organic food
Go horse riding in the nude
♪ There's a very famous chance
that you could be
♪ (Could be)
A ratbag
♪ A ravin' ratbag
♪ You're a screwball,
you're a nutcase there's no doubt
♪ And if you think you're ratbag free
Then just shake your family tree
♪ See the great big ravin' ratbags
falling out
♪ (You're a ratbag)
For if you should turn on your alarm clock
♪ Though you know it never ever
makes you wake
♪ You're a ratbag if you rise
with a burst of exercise
♪ Or count to forty
every time you chew your steak
♪ You're a ratbag if you live upon a commune
or you sail the seas alone upon a yacht
♪ (Ratbag)
♪ Flagpole squatters, housewife potters
Anonymous phoners, sperm bank doners
♪ Pakistani waiters, poofter liberators
Misfits from Thailand, everyone in Ireland
♪ But looking round this hall
I have to say now out of us all
♪ That there's just one bastard in here
who is not
♪ (Who's that?)
♪ A ratbag, a ravin' ratbag
♪ A screwball, a nutcase there's no doubt
♪ But if you think you're ratbag free
- ♪ Then just shake your family tree
♪ See the great big ravin' ratbags falling out
♪ A ratbag, a ravin' ratbag
♪ You're a screwball, you're a nutcase
there's no doubt
♪ And if you think you're ratbag free
Then just shake your family tree
♪ See the great big ravin' ratbags
(Great big ravin' ratbags)
♪ Great big ravin' ratbags
falling out ♪
Kevin?
Kevin?
Kevin dear.
Kevin? Kevin?
Kevin!
Kevin?
- Kevin answer me, dear.
- Kevin.
Are you hiding from me, Kevin?
- Kevin?
- Kevin, are you in there dear?
- Excuse me your majesty.
Aunty Edna!
What's happening? Aunty!
Aunty Edna!
Aunty Edna! Aunty Edna!
Stop!
Aunty Edna!
Ah, excusez-moi, monsieur,
pray tell us, me, where is
the Australian Embassy?
Je Ne vous comprends pas, monsieur.
The Australian Embassy?
Ah, kangaroo?
Waltzing Mathilda.
You know, sky pilots are lucky
wearing these dog collars.
At least they can enjoy a decent chunder
without having to tuck their ties in
like other bastards.
- What's the matter, Cherylene?
- Oh he's not here and there's no note.
- What are we gonna do now, Barry?
- Dunno.
The kids at school used to reckon
Kev had two dongers.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean he couldn't have got as silly
as that playing with just one, could he?
Oh, don't worry, Cherylene.
He must have got nervous and
shot through like a Bondi Tram!
Aw, he'll probably roll up later
full as a bull's bum.
Oh geez Barry, you're a
great comfort to me.
You always were a beaut bloke.
Oh gee, thanks, Cheryl.
You know Barry, when you
went away last year
before I married Kevin,
I didn't know what I was gonna do.
I was pretty keen on you too, Cheryl,
but just my luck the old ah...
Old Kev got up there first.
All the blokes reckon I, I used to
be creaming me jeans over you
just because you had a set of top
bollocks like a pair of Mudgee mailbags!
Ah, Kevin never paid me
compliments like that!
He doesn't really know
how to talk to a woman.
Oh Barry!
- Thou dirty dingo!
- Kev!
Thou shalt not covet thy
twin brother's wife!
- Kev!
- Kev, you'll hurt him!
- Oh, Kev!
- You're gonna get the hell out of here!
Now Kev listen...
This way Kev.
It's not my fault!
Thou seducer!
- Kev...Kev...
- Thou explain.
Stop it. Stop it!
Barry, you've gone far enough!
It's stupid!
You Bible pimp...
- It's not my fault.
- stop it, Barry!
- Barry, get off him. You'll hurt him!
- This one's for Dad.
- Fight fair you bastard!
- That's enough!
Barry, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me!
The Commo's have got your Aunty Edna!
- I'm over here mate, that's Kev.
- Who the hell are you?
- Foureyes Fenton.
Australian Cultural Attaché to Europe.
G'day. Listen mate, Kev's
just been down at the Embassy,
giving us the drum on two
foreign-type bastards he
saw shoot through
with your Aunty Edna.
- What would they want with Edna?
- We don't know, but something smells.
Kev must have opened his lunch.
- Listen mate, all I know's your aunty's
in more strife than Speed Gordon.
We reckon you're not safe
in Paris, Barry.
Gotta sneak you back to London, mate.
- Not that dump again!
- I'm afraid they don't want you neither, mate.
Under these new British immigration laws,
Aussies have gotta have a Pommie work permit!
Work? Brits couldn't even spell it!
Bloody Pommies wouldn't work
on an iron lung.
That's for sure, but don't worry mate...
- We got a little scheme going with
an English businessman and some wogs...
- Erm, some tinted people!
Guv, where is this mate of yours?
I gotta get this shipment
over the channel by 8 o'clock.
Listen, just hold on another couple
of minutes, will ya?
I don't do this for money.
I only do this illegal immigration thing
for humanitarian principles.
G'day Foureyes!
Sorry I'm late mate. We got caught
in a traffic jamb at the Champs-Élysées.
Salam, cobber.
Abdul McKenzie's the name.
Come on mate.
I'm not taking that flaming camel.
Now listen Barry. we'll be
transporting the other side to London.
We gotta meet at 2 o'clock sharp.
A high level
- consultation with the Australian Ambassador.
Your Aunty Edna's life
could be at stake, Barry!
Right-o Foureyes!
Right up he they can't
get where we come from.
What the bleedin' hell we got here?!
What are you gonna do
for a crust in London, mate?
I'm going to get a job in a
snake-charming factory.
I don't reckon there'll be too many
snake charmers in England, mate.
How very wonderful.
Then there's sure to be a vacancy!
You'd make a pretty good
little snake charmer yourself.
- Do you play the flute?
- No! I am studying Kant.
same here, but I keep
failing the practical.
Comfort stop.
- Must be the flamin' curry!
- This your vehicle, sir?
No, left by foot.
is that a Colonial twang, sir?
Australian are you, sir?
This your national costume?
- Born in this country, sir?
- You gotta be kiddin'!
Indeed sir.
Passport please, sir.
- That your basket, sir.
- Yeah, like it's me dirty washing.
- Do you have a license for that serpent, sir?
- Excuse me sir, look at that.
No entry stamp.
This man's an illegal immigrant.
Well, well.
Welcome to England, cobber.
We better find you a bit
of accommodation.
- And bring ya cobra, cobber.
- Oh, very good, lad!
I like ya clobber, cobber.
- Ah, very good.
- I'm really chuffed to meet you, cobber.
I tried to migrate to your bleedin' country
a couple of years ago
and got knocked back, didn't I!
Well, they're making things
a bit tough, aren't they now?
You gotta be able to read and write
before you can be a shit house attendant.
You're gonna be the guest of
Mother England for some time, cobbler.
Let me outta here!
I mean there'd be no flamin'
Mother England if it wasn't for Australia!
Our fighting men came over here when you
Pomms were ready to throw in the towel!
Plus all them slimy yellow men
would have flattened this dump
if it hadn't been for me uncles and
their superlative fighting spirit!
I mean the game was nearly up
for you Pomms, no risk!
If it hadn't been for Australia,
most of them slant-eyes pricks
would have strung every white titty
on a pills and gone chockablock
with all the nurses and bus-conductresses!
Let me outta here you
ungrateful Pommie bastards!
- He, Barry.
- How did you get in here?
I'm your great-great-great-great
uncle Crowther.
I'm here unofficially
to give you a helpin' hand.
You're a flamin' ghost!
Now come off your high horse, Bazza.
I'm no apparition what's
come to haunt ya.
- You know, the Beaks threw me in here...
This stinkin' hole, in 1804, and
then transported me to Botany Bay.
Pull the other one!
Mum said there weren't any
convicts in our family.
Pig's arse there weren't!
Here, you wanna get out of here,
don't ya, meet your mate and rescue
- your Aunty Edna?
- My oath I do.
Well, take this and scrape around
those big, hefty rocks down there.
Go on.
Strewth!
Five years I was in here.
Dug that tunnel with me bare hands.
- Leads to a sewer.
- How come you never escaped yourself, uncle?
Oh, I was dead set on scarpering.
Gave it a lot of thought.
Then one day I was thinkin'-
Why not go to Australia?
Anything's better than this bleedin' dump!
You're right there, Uncle Arthur.
There's a bit of a boat down there.
See ya in heaven.
Hey uncle, what's them letters
on your back- P.O.H.M?
All us Commies wear this.
'Prisoner of His Majesty'.
Pohm. They tell me the word's still being
used to describe what's become
the lowest form of humanity.
Ta ta.
How strong with the needle
you gave Her majesty?
I think we'll be at the castle
before she wakes up.
That's good.
Cripes, it's darker than an
Abo's arsehole!
Pong! It smells like a
lubra's loincloth.
Oh, beauty!
Strewth, no oars!
Now I'm really up shit creek
without a paddle!
Bugger all changes here mate.
It's worse, if anything.
- Got me a bob, guv?
- Piss off!
- Geeze, watch it mate.
- Bloody dog crap!
Nearly broke me leg on that
Alsatian’s visiting card!
The Poms can dodge 'em, mate.
Just like those tinted islanders walking
on hot coals and never getting burnt.
Oh, I could hit that in the golden jail
like a plate of porridge!
Put on a spurt, Baz, the
Australian Ambassador's waiting for us.
Hey Foureyes, you reckon this outfit's
all right for meeting the Ambassador?
Don't worry, Baz.
Speaking of Cultural Attaché,
I can assure you that informality
is the keynote at Oz House.
♪ Singing toorali-orali-addity
Singing toorali-oolari-ai
♪ Singing toorali-ollari-addity
- G'day, Paul.
- G'day Foureyes. Bazza.
♪ We're bound for Botany Bay
- Foureyes.
- G'day mate, how are ya?
♪ Singing toorali-orali-addity
Singing toorali-oolari-ai
- Oh, what a fantastic bunch of bastards!
- Come on, mate, let's go.
- G'day Foureyes.
- G'day Neil.
♪ Now for seven long years I've been waitin' here
For seven long years and a day
- Hey, what's that Foureyes?
- That's the Immigration Department, mate.
- Interviewing all the poor old Poms
who want to share our incomparable
living standards and cultural attainments.
All you've gotta do now
is pass the Australian culture test.
Three simple questions,
three simple answers
and you go through that doorway
to the greatest little
country in the world!
Thank you, Debbie.
Thank you, sweetheart.
- Alrighty Bob...
Here we go.
First question.
Which country, I repeat,
which country
with regard to music, ballet, theatre.
o-opera, poems, novels, paintings and fillums?
You've got ten seconds, Bob.
- Australia.
- Correct! Absolutely correct!
You've been doin' your
homework, haven't you!
- Very, very good.
Are you ready
- for question number two?
- Yes, yes.
Okay Bob, here it comes, hey!
Which particular country on
the face of the earth
has the biggest and best beaches,
drive-in bottle shops, scenery,
motels, marsupials,
beer, table wine, high-rise development
and sheilas?
Ten seconds from now, Bob.
- Australia?
- The correct answer!
Well done, well done!
Third question's coming up
and this is the big one.
Yes.
- And the very, very best of good luck, Bob.
- Thank you.
- By the way Bob, you married.
- What? Well, no... Not really. No.
Poofter?
Beg your pardon?
Section 24, sub-section B3,
no poofters allowed!
Oh. Naturally.
Okay. Okay, Bob.
- Okay this is it. This is the big one.
- Okay.
- Third question coming up.
- All right.
- Which country...
Which country is the arsehole of the world?
Australia...
No, oh no, England!
Bob, I don't know.
You were right on the bell. I just don't know.
I'll have to throw that over to the judges,
Bob. I'm sorry.
What do you think, judges?
- Now what do you reckon?
- Is he a poofter?
Don't forget he's a Pom.
You can't expect too much on that score.
Please, please...
- Please, I beg of you.
for humanity's sake!
Let me walk tall in Australia.
Well what do you say?
Gents like him could take advantage...
- Robert Crowther.
- Yes.
Australia extends to you a
- fond greetin'.
Well done, Bob mate.
You're in.
Congratulations Bob,
for playing the migration game...
and welcome to the land of sunshine.
- G'day Foureyes.
- G'day.
- G'day, Nolene. Alec in?
- Yeah, come on in. He's expecting you.
- G'day Foureyes.
- G'day Alec.
- They keeping you busy?
- Busy as a one-armed taxi driver with crabs.
- Meet Barry McKenzie, Alec.
- Pleased to meet you.
G'day.
- Have a tube?
- Aw, lovely!
- You know what's-his-name?
- G'day Prickface.
I forgive thee, Barrington.
Hello Barry.
I was just telling...er...um...
Prickface here that we get a lot of
publications here at Oz House, Barry.
Take a gander at this one.
Just turned up this morning.
- Look, I won't say we don't try
a few swifties to pull the tourists with
- all that garbage about
that flamin' Opera House.
- But this bloke takes
the flamin' cake!
Oh, what a wonderful, warm welcome Count,
especially after such a nightmare of a trip.
You know when I filled in that form
in London for a surprise package tour
I didn't think I'd be in
for so many surprises!
The Minister of Tourism
will do anything in hos power
to make your stay a joyous one.
It was so sweet of your daughter here
to lend me this pretty frock
and matching accessories.
He name is Clothilde.
She's my slave.
She will be looking after
your every need, your Majesty.
Oh, please don't keep calling me your Majesty.
Where I come from informality is the keynote.
As you wish...Elizabeth.
- You mean me Aunty's in some Commo
castle with that oily lookin' poofter?
I'd like to come in here,
if I may, Excellency.
Fair enough, sport.
Boys, I’d like you to meet Sir Nigel Stewart
of the Pommie Foreign Orifice.
- G'day. Pleased to meet you.
- G'day.
- Like a cold one, Sir Nigel?
- Thank you, no.
Gentlemen, I read this situation
as serious.
Damn serious.
I want to give you some idea
of the kind of villain we're up against.
Lights.
- Erich Count Plasma.
Educated Charter House in Cambridge.
Brilliant scholar...
Friend of the famous.
- Sent down for grave robbing.
- Flirts openly with Black Magic.
- Defected to the Eastern Block.
Thereafter maintains a bizarre ménage while
head of the Transylvanian Tourist Commission.
- Believed to be a practicing vampire.
Do you mean he'll be practicing
on Aunty Edna?!
Well, she could be all right
if she doesn't stick her neck out.
- Hugo Cretin...a known pervert.
- Modeste Imbecile...homicidal maniac.
But otherwise quite harmless.
Dorothy...Plasma's repulsive Catamite.
- Fanatical Socialist and Secretary
of the all-powerful
- Amalgamated Union of Transylvanian Hunchbacks.
- The woman known as Clothide.
Apparently Plasma's mistress.
- Voluptuous, perverse. Apparently
of low intelligence but no sucker.
Could be no bastard's giving her a fair go.
Kev's creamin' his cassy!
Givest thou the drum, Sir Nigel.
Is my aunt in danger of sexual molestation?
With respect I should say
that was highly unlikely.
- However, once Plasma realises
he is no longer entertaining royalty,
he may be after her blood.
Excuse me Erich, I wonder if I might put a call
through to my husband Norm, in Melbourne?
Reverse charges, of course.
There is really no need to sustain
this elaborate subterfuge in front of me.
There is a cross on the line!
- I've told you never to use that word!
- What? Line?
No...cross!
My son, Dorothy will advise us when...
communication with Buckingham Palace
is restored.
Make a note Dorothy,
the code name for the Duke of Edinburgh
is Norm of Melbourne.
Norm of Melbourne.
A conventional commando raid to rescue
Mrs. Everage from plasma's castle
would create embarrassing
diplomatic repercussions
because of the absurd detente
between Australia and the Eastern Block.
That's for sure.
Bloody Reds!
However, my top espionage wallers
have discovered that
Plasma's mountain fastness
is open to conducted tourist
parties on Sunday afternoons.
This is where you come in, McKenzie.
- Ah, you too, Prickface.
Mr Foureyes, could rustle up a team
of young, intelligent, sober Australians?
- Well, a team of young Australians?
Wadda ya reckon, Barry?
No worries mate. We'll smuggle in
Scrotum, Paddy, well, the whole gang.
Hey Foureyes, here comes that Abo sheila
I committed intimacy with in Paris.
I hear them tinted lasses don't
like it plain and simple, Barry.
Yeah, I heard that...
I mean you're not wrong there, mate.
Watch out matey!
Flipping hell!
Well, well, well, Mr. McKenzie!
So you put your foot in it again, I see.
G'day Doc.
Strewth, I must have slipped in an egg
and Brit broke the leg off a billiard table.
I heard you Aussies were well hung but I
didn't realise you kept tripping over them!
I understood you were en route to Australia,
McKenzie. What brings you to London?
It's like this Doc...
Me twin brother, Kev the Rev
bumped in to two Transylvanian ratbags
- who sunk the slipper
and dumped him in a dirt tip.
Then this oily bastard called Count Plasma
- from Transylvania,
who was chucked outta school for bein'
a vampire
and then later became
- the third man...
- well, mistook me Aunty Edna
for bein'
the Queen, see,
and he whipped her off in an ambulance.
Well, Sir Nigel reckons that if my aunty
lets on that she's not the Queen,
a great, dirty big hunchback
dwarf named Doris
is gonna turn her into a Frankenstein monster.
See, you can only get into the
haunted house on Sunday, so
Foureyes and me,
we're gonna round up some
- of our mates
and take a decko!
You're a sick, sick boy, McKenzie.
- Here...
Take my card. You can pour
your heart to me anytime you like.
Must have been the flamin' dog crap
on me clothes. Turned me stomach.
Come on back to my place, Barry
a- and you can clean up some.
I'll see ya later, Barry.
- Great!
- Is that all right?
- ♪ You think you're ratbag free...
♪ If you shake your family tree...
♪ See the great big ravin' ratbags falling out...
- I’m comin' in honey child!
Righto.
Oh, let me feel for it, man!
- Hey, what's on the go, Rhondy?
- Screwless!
I done told you.
Ride on Monty, the harrumph!
May your centrspread inject his navy!
Oh, give us a break, Rhondy!
If me mum sees any of them snaps
her veins'll be a right off!
Too much soap on it man
for our liberated readers.
Fantastic! Fantastic, man!
Great! Great!
Great!
Rub yourself down and come on out.
- I got somthin'
nice!
I's here for you!
Rhonda? Rhonda?
Here I am, Rhonda darling.
I reckon I love ya.
Shit!
Out of my bed, white trash!
What's going on in here?
I've got a modelling fee for you, man!
How many times I told you, Rhonda,
- not to bring any of them
male model poofters of yours
- to our private quarters?
Especially the Australians!
- They are the biggest and the most
BSA poofters of them all!
Welcome, Excellency.
Right on time.
Now your chaps will be taking off from
our old wartime airstrip over yonder
in exactly twenty-seven minutes.
I take it you've briefed
with MI5 instructors?
No worries.
You've told them about the
parachute drop into the pine forest?
Cripes... Oh jeez... Cri...
Look, I reckon it'd be smart
if we broke to 'em on the plane.
I think you'll find these lads have got
plenty of the old Anzac spirit.
Ah, capital.
Why not ask the lads in for a grog
before you go over the top?
Shit hey?
Come on you blokes, it's a piss up!
But apparently that meeting's
gone black form, so...
- Where's the eats?
- Dunny...
- The Australian men's in for a drink.
- Australian day, eh?
- G'day.
Why don't you chaps put
on some sort of corroboree?
Sorry to disappoint ya sport,
but we left our nulanula's
back in Earl's Court.
- Pommie bastard.
- Yeah.
Do I hear those dulcet Aussie tones?
God, I absolutely worship
the Dingo lingo.
Listen to this jolly fellow.
Say something in Australian, cobber.
Listen drongo! I wouldn't piss in
your ear if your brain was on fire!
Glad you could make it, Col.
Never reckoned you'd leave the old Paris.
Yeah well, when any of mine's in trouble.
- I'm always there.
- I say...
Is it true that all
Australians are homosexuals?
Mate, that's just a rumour
spread by the Australian government
to attract Pommie migrants!
She has a photograph of her husband,
the Prince Philip.
I said your suspicions were
unfounded you contorted...
I tell you she is not the queen!
She is frightened of dogs and horses
and loves gladioli!
Quiet!
Can't we discuss this matter quietly
like normal, rational human being?
Don't they live in a gorgeous
little unit, Barry?
No worries, Nolene.
It's nicer than a naughty on
an inner spring mattress.
Don't tell me you two are
Australians too! God help us!
My oath I'm Australian,
and proud of it!
It's the greatest little
humdinger of a country in the world.
You poor Poms don't
know what you're missing.
Beaut sandy beaches,
lovely, juicy steaks.
Big shiny cars.
Millions of drive-in bottle shops,
and decent church-going
buggers all over the place,
and lots of gorgeous, beautiful,
clean-livin' sheilas
who root like rattlesnakes!
To that! Good on ya, Bazza!
Poms wouldn't know their bums
from a hole in the ground.
♪ Australians are noted for their wit
we're famed for our repartee
♪ And when we meet a stuck-up Brit
We give him a sample free
♪ When a whinging Pommie comes the raw prawn
and gives our ears a bash
♪ We turn on him with a look of scorn
and we tell him quick as a flash
♪ Oh I hope all your chooks turn to emus
and kick ya dunny down flat to the grass
♪ I hope ya balls turn to bicycle wheels
and back-pedal up your arse
♪ I hope every la-de-da Pommie like you
gets the trots when he's swallowed the plum
♪ Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
and stick ya head up a dead bear's bum
♪ One day I met a migrant fob
who fought the poor coward drink
♪ From the way the bastard was carrying on
You'd reckon his poop didn't stink
♪ I slapped me head till this poofter said
The Brits could lick us at cricket
♪ Well I showed him the rough end of a pineapple
and I told him where he could stick it
♪ I said, I hope all your chooks turn to emus
and kick your dunny down flat to the grass
♪ I hope ya balls turn to bicycle wheels
and back-pedal up your arse
♪ I hope every la-de-da Pommie like you
gets the trots when he's swallowed the plum
♪ Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
and stick ya head up a dead bear's bum
♪ Now Australian's power of eloquence
is part of our national glory
♪ You just have to listen to parliament
to cop our oratory
♪ Our politician's wit is quick
His voice is rich in timbre
♪ So one of these days I won't be amazed
to hear this speech in Canberra
♪ Oh I hope all your chooks turn to emus
and kick ya dunny down flat to the grass
♪ I hope ya balls turn to bicycle wheels
and back-pedal up your arse
♪ I hope a right honourable member
will permit me to give him the drum
♪ Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
♪ Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
and stick ya head up a dead bear's bum
All right now, just give a bit of shush.
Now remember you blokes...and sheilas,
the only types that they let into these
Commo showplaces is ratbag
Australian journos
and trade union whingers who have
brown-nosed their way
into a free overseas trip.
- What if the Secret Police question us?
- I'll flatten the bastards!
No you won't!
Now remember, if you're questioned,
you're all radical students from Bondi Uni
who want to abolish ya tests
before you get a chance to fail 'em.
You all think that the sun shines
out of Starlin's arsehole.
- And don't lose them flamin' badges!
Bondi Organisation for Radical Education.
Hey, what's this me lunch?
Hope you put in some nice curried spaghetti
and peanut butter sandwiches.
That's a parachute, mate,
not ya lunch.
And don't open it until
you're out of the plane.
Oh, you're spoiling me, Erich.
This is a banquet fit for a queen!
- What could be more
appropriate your Majesty
- for Transylvania's
most honoured guest?
No formalities Erich, please.
I'd like to get to know
this little lass.
- I must say dear...
- A drink before luncheon, sir?
- ...sophisticated kind of a way...
- You know when I was your age
I used to have hair I could sit on.
Tell me dear, do you wear your
surgical hose over or
underneath your body stocking?
You know Erich, my nephew Barry
would adore this lovely child.
and I'm sure that she would admire
the Continental, overseas style
elegance that he has acquired.
He's given his family a lot of heartache,
but I've still got a soft spot for him.
And what's the old saying...
'Blood is thicker than water'.
Yes...it is.
What a sweet little tinted person, Erich.
He was a gift from our friends in Peking.
Oh, I love Pekineses!
Perhaps I could take this little one
aside later?
He could give me a couple of slants
on how to grow Bonsai gladdies!
Gladys? Who's Gladys?
Oh, I love your old-world home, Count.
How I'd adore to decorate it in a
contemporary Australian-Spanish style.
The lord is my shepherd
I shall not...
Make sure you get those stakes
real sharp, fellas!
- ...green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
- He restoreth my soul.
- He leadeth me in the path of
righteousness for His own sake.
- Yea though I walk through the
Valley of the Shadow of Death
- I will fear no evil.
For Thou art with me
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
- Thou preparest a table for me
before mine enemy.
- Thou annoitest my head with oil.
What's up, Col?
- You look as nervous as
a nun in an Op shop.
Here, get this down ya!
De apelle, Bazz.
Merci a vous.
- The lord is my shepherd
I shall not want...
Okay fellas, we're over the target.
Get ready for the jump.
The best of Australian
luck to the lot of youse!
- Tell us all right.
- Australia's fightin' to go!
Hey, Nolene, you're a bit of alright!
When we get back would you
like to go down to the Red Cross?
We could sink a couple of coldies
and take in a talkie.
- We've got Australia's shitload!
- we're goin' hiking ya fool!
- Really, truly, Bazza!
(WOLF HOWLS)
Believe me, I'm not going cruising.
Ripper!
- These glorious buildings...
- built on the site of wasteful and
unproductive parkland
- and children's playgrounds
- are a lasting tribute to the innate
artistry of the Transylvanian people,
- and a permanent memorial to the
unquenchable progressive spirit
of the cheerful, resourceful and
industrious C-C-Carpathian worker.
And so we say
- farewell to glorious Transylvania.
Just do it, do it, do it!
Jewel, jewel... Jewel of this
Socialist Block.
What a delightful educational film
that was, Erich.
It just so happens I've got a little
home movie here of my own.
It's all about Australia.
Would it be rude of me to ask Dorothy
to run it through her aperture?
What a charming thought, dear lady.
Run this through your aperture
you mishapen moron..
It's a film of one of
the royal tours.
Welcome to Plasma Castle,
pride of the glory of the people's
- Republic of Transylvania.
- Come on boys. I've got an idea.
- Accompany, because at this moment,
the Prize Monarch of England
- is viewing the table
and the light switch.
- You will come this way, please.
Fashion wise our Australian menfolk
- are real trendsetters.
They're the envy of Seville Road.
- We are now crossing the fabled
Bridge of Death...
- How nice to leave the hustle
and bustle of city life
- and try our luck with gay nature
- on one of Sydney's world class beaches.
- That's Barry.
- Bodyguard.
- Wonderful young man.
- Oh, those beastly sea wasps again!
- However, it's not really as bad as it looks.
- The majority of carefree holiday makers
nibbled by the wasps are only maimed for life.
- The cheerful members of Australia's
world-famed shark squads
- skip nimbly to the tragedy
within minutes.
- They're trained to give not only
pain killing injections
- but on the spot amputations to
grateful swimmers.
Courtyard of Plasma Castle.
Scene of so many glorious battles.
- Invaders of the castle...
- Hey Col, where you off to?
Got a lead on me Aunty?
No Baz. Follow me, I'm just going off to
train Thomas at the Transylvanian terracotta.
Have one for me.
Col?
This is a typical lower income
bracket Australian kitchen.
Oh, that's the little chemist where
my husband gets his films developed.
- Your husband? Oh, the Prince?
- Yes, the prints.
Once we got the wrong prints.
- The wrong Prince?
- Yes, prints of Wagga Wagga.
I didn't know there was a
Prince in Wagga Wagga.
- Norm took the prints back.
- Norm? Ah, the Prince.
Yes, the prints.
-...has the finest political
system in the world.
- Excellency...there is an urgent matter.
- I shall have to leave you, dear lady.
- Comrade Lucas.
- Why aren't you in Paris?
- I got some info, Count.
It had better be good, Comrade Lucas.
Why the KGB tolerates an old-fashioned
revisionist like yourself never fails to amaze me.
You're in dead trouble, Count.
- The castle's crawling with
Australian agents come to rescue
- Mrs. Norm Everage of
Melbourne, Australia.
- Never heard of her.
My only guest is the Queen of England.
If Edna Everage is the Queen of England,
I'm Prince Philip!
You are the Prince?
- Listen Plasma...
You filled me in properly in Paris.
Give me the drum who you was really after.
I could have told you
- Edna wasn't Betty Britain!
She's not the Queen?
Just a moment.
That nauseous film...that hint of...
Colonial accent!
I thought I began to detect
inconsistencies in her
absurd royalist postures.
This bird-brained Australian
- harpy has tried to dupe me!
To abuse my hospitality.
This Everage has made a laughing stock
out of this Transylvanian's
working class!
Bazza!
What's the matter, Erich?
Didn't you like my little film?
I, Erich Count Von Plasma,
duped by an Australian housewife!
What an unexpected honour to see
our illustrious, fortunate leader,
Erich Count Von Plasma.
- Where are you going?
- My boots and stockings are hurting me, dear.
Geez Col, you saved me life.
Leave me alone Baz, I'm done for.
I couldn't lie straight in bed.
Ever since... Since they put the finger
on me back in Australia in the 50s,
for bein' a Commo sympathiser, I've
been on the run selling Australia short.
I was one of those dirty rats who
reckoned there were better places
on earth than Oz.
- And look where it's flamin' got me!
You'll be all right Col.
We'll get a quack, a specialist.
I'm glad it happened this way, Baz.
Will you do us a favour?
Take me body back to Australia and
bury me under an old blue gum tree
beside some sleepy billabong.
And Baz, if you see any of them long-haired
students or Commo Trade Union types,
you tell 'em from Col the Frog,
that Australia is the greatest little
country in the...
Poor old Col.
He'd give away his arsehole
and shit through his ribs.
Cripes!
- Col's had it.
- Yeah...
He saved me life.
- This way to the great...
Right, let's get up and get those
dirty Commo vampires!
And now for the Grand staircase...
Your don't think your acting, your corny
impersonation of royalty
fooled me for a moment, do you?
Oh, you are a silly Count!
This is the last time I go on
a surprise package tour.
- What kind of a place is this?
This place dear lady,
is one of the most
comprehensive blood cellars
in Europe.
It will be interesting
to add a rare Australian vintage
to my collection.
- I always give a pint to the Red Cross
but this is ridiculous!
The Auto-vamp, dear lady.
A little labour saving contraption
of my own.
It can suck you dry
- whilst I, for example, mow the lawn.
Or watch the cup final on TV.
Can I get a cup of tea
and a bikkie after this?
Full bodied. Pleasant aftertaste.
Rhesus negative, if I'm not mistaken!
I have been searching for years
for this vintage and always in vain.
But I must leave you, dear lady and
deal with your uncouth Colonial friends.
Cooee!
Repent! Repent!
Please mister, gimme a chance!
I liked the film Queen Edna showed.
I want to be an Australian, now!
I want to start a new life,
that's for sure!
I want to be a Sydney taxi driver,
no worries!
Stiff cheddar, son!
We don't want types like you undermining
our wonderful institutions,
our unique lifestyle!
Crawling like termites in the
fabric of our nationhood!
- We've got too many cheap lovers as it is!
- Blood oath, Alec!
I want to be an Australian!
I dunno, Alec.
Perhaps given half a chance he might
have come good in a country like Oz.
He might have been an estate agent,
an add man, a car dealer...
a
or a Cultural Attaché like me.
Foureyes...you can't win 'em all.
Coo-ee!
Oh, sorry to disturb you,
but I'm looking for Count Plasma.
Funny lookin' bloke...
Sorta creepy...
Red-lined cape and great big teeth!
Strewth!
Her eyes, Scrotum!
don't look into her eyes!
No worries. I never look at the mantlepiece
when I'm pokin' a vampire!
Coo-ee!
- Aunty Edna!
- Where's that Plasma bastard?
- Are you looking for me?
- My Colonial fiends.
- Let's get him!
This is it fellas.
Got ya stakes?
Shall we drop all this vampire
nonsense, gentlemen?
Fuck me!
You've obviously all been brainwashed
by B grade...horror movies.
- Surely you don't believe all these
crude fables about pointed stakes
and lucky charms? do you?
You'll be telling me
I keep a pet bat...
Cooee!
As Minister for Tourism and President
of the B grade horror movie writer's guild
I have personally expelled
from this land
countless writers who have debased
our image in the west
with absurd vampire fear.
But beware...
Australia too has countless dissidents
and capitalists lapdogs
who are already producing comic strips
and films depicting Australia as a nation of
crude, insensitive, beer swilling boors,
coarse yokels and guzzling hicks!
- Pull ya head in ya mug!
- Pull ya head in!
- What about me Aunty Edna?
- Where is she, fangface?
- Yeah, where is she?
- Tell us ya bastard!
- Where is Mrs. Everage?
Tell us, Plasma.
- Call off these Colonial cretins, Sir Alec..
- Give up, Plasma.
- Us Aussies can lick you dirty Reds
any day of the week.
- We've got the bravest fighting
men in the world!
- I won't be wasting my next bullets
on...cans of that foul, foaming beverage.
- You'll never get away with it, Plasma.
- My oath he won't.
Fan-bloody-tastic, Prickface!
- Bloody beauty, mate!
- Hey that Foster's fixed him!
- Great mate! You really did it!
- Coo-ee
- Hey fellas, listen to this.
- Cooee.
Coo-ee!
Edna's down there!
Mrs. Everage. Come on!
Tell that slant-eyed bastard to
piss off, Foureyes, all right!
Listen mate, I'm flom Australyan Embassy.
Pliss off!
Coo-ee...
You slant-eyed prick!
- Tear him the bloody apart!
- Go on Bazza! Get him, get him!
- Look out!
- Aussie poofter!
Cop this!
Now I kill! Now I kill!
Cooee...
-Give him between the eyes, Bazza!
- Barry!
- You heathen Chinese!
- You'll get hurt, love!
Ah so, ta ,ta, ta!
poofter!
Hit him in the pearls, mate!
- Fight like a man!
Slant-eyed prick!
Aussie bastard.
What you are now witnessing is a real
and raging fortresses fighting
and defeating the corrupt forces
of the western world.
- Go plant ya shit!
- Follow me.
You rotten, mongrel,
Commo, poofter bastard!
Right, let's go!
Strewth! Turn that bloody thing
off immediately!
- Turn it off!
- Can't find the switch, Alec!
- Try that green one!
- No, that's not it.
She's sinkin' fast!
You all right, Aunty?
Barry!
I tell ya, we were knockin' off
them vampires like maggots off a chop!
Hey, it was great the way you
handled that Plasma, mate.
Yea verily, Barrington.
The foaming article hath its rightful uses.
Hey Barry, come and have a look at this!
Strewth! I hope they don't
sell that in Australia!
Geez Baz, you musta really put ya
Que on the rack for that Abo sheila!
I might have.
Hey Barry!
Here's something that should
interest you possums!
Take a gander at this.
Hey, it says that they're gonna
pay the fares back to Oz,
for expatriate artists
and intellectuals.
- Hey Baz, that's us!
- Too flamin' right it is!
- You want a trip back home, fellas?
- No, not for me.
I'm hooked on European culture.
I'm gonna stay here for
the Munich beer festival.
Fair enough mate. Can you
fix it for the rest of us, Alec?
No probs boys.
- Fix it up Foureyes.
- Right-o, Alec.
Hey listen wait a minute,
before you go.
I'd like to propose a toast.
Col the Frog Lucas.
- Oh look, Barry.
- I wonder if the Prime Minister himself
- will be down there to meet us?
- I hope so.
I don't reckon he'd miss out on a chance
to welcome all us intellectuals back home.
He's no mug you know, Aunty.
I reckon the PMs that smart
he could sell soap to the Pommies!
Did you know Barry that the Prime
Minister and I once slept together?
Ah, come off it Aunty.
I don't believe it!
Yes Barry, it was at the Sydney Opera House
during the second act of War and Peace.
Cherylene beloved, I hope that after
my exorcism of Erich Count Plasma
I might have won a few converts
among Barrington's heathen friends.
The church can always do
with a bit of new blood.
Aunty, look who's here!
- Barry, Australia's proud of you!
- Thank you very much!
- Arise Dame Edna.
- Dame Edna!
Oh my golly!
- There you go, Aunty!
- I feel like a queen!
♪ Barry McKenzie holds his own
♪ Who would you want for your
very best mate?
♪ Barry McKenzie
♪ Who makes you feel
Australia's great?
♪ Barry McKenzie
♪ Who makes the soul of freedom swerve
beneath his thrust and parry?
♪ When hope is losing
who stands firm?
♪ Barry McKenzie
Barry
♪ When there's trouble ahoy
he's a man with the most respect
♪ Ooo those vampires creak
and their knees grow weak
♪ He always stands erect
♪ When there's trouble ahoy
When other folks have gone
♪ In times of need our Barry
holds his own
♪ Other nations rise and fall
Rise and fall McKenzie
♪ He holds out all against them all
♪ Holds our all McKenzie
♪ The poor old poms can hardly stand
too much dead weight to carry
♪ But fate has taken itself in hand
With Barry McKenzie
♪ With Barry McKenzie
Barry ♪
♪ Barry, Barry McKenzie
Barry ♪
Subtitles © 2020 Elphinstone Dalrymple
How do you do?
My name is
Senator Douglas Manton,
and I'm the Australian
Minister for Culture.
You know the world has enjoyed some
very wonderful cultural renaissances,
insofar as culture is concerned.
The Egyptian Dynasty...
The very wonderful Greek civilisation...
The grandeur that was Rome...
The Italian Renaissance,
and the artistic glories of France.
However, none of these very
wonderful movements
can compare with the
Australian Cultural Renaissance
which is sweeping the world
at the present period of time.
You know we Aussies are pretty
slow to blow our own trumpets,
but I think I can say without fear of
successful contradiction
that among the many fields of
artistic endeavour,
in which we Australians have shown
such wonderful leadership,
is the art of the motion picture.
The fillum which you are about to see now
makes me proud to be an Australian.
(ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR)
♪ Barry McKenzie holds his own
♪ Who would you want for your
very best mate?
♪ Barry McKenzie
♪ Who makes you feel
Australia's great?
♪ Barry McKenzie
♪ Who makes the soul of freedom swerve
beneath his thrust and parry?
♪ When hope is losing
who stands firm?
♪ Barry McKenzie
Barry
♪ When there's trouble ahoy
he's a man with the most respect
♪ Ooo those vampires creak
and their knees grow weak
♪ He always stands erect
♪ When there's trouble ahoy
When other folks have gone
♪ In times of need our Barry
holds his own
♪ Although other nations rise and fall
Rise and fall McKenzie
♪ He holds out all against them all
♪ Holds our all McKenzie
♪ The poor old Poms can hardly stand
too much dead weight to carry
♪ But fate has taken itself in hand
With Barry McKenzie
♪ Barry, Barry McKenzie
Barry ♪
Attention tout Le monde,
madam and monsieurs,
this is ZiZi your Frogair hostess
and your Captain is the famous
Master Escargo.
For madam, monsieur,
an aperitif?
Ah, no tea, monsieur, no.
Though they look very fresh.
No thanks, all the same.
I never eat on an empty stomach.
- Wouldn't mind a nice cold ale though.
- Pardon?
I'm that thirsty I could drink out of
a Japanese wrestler's jockstrap.
Oh Barry don't make such crude remarks about
our dear little stunted, slant-eyes yellow friends!
- You got frogs' legs, haven't ya?
- Oui monsieur.
- Well hope off and get us a drink.
- Mad Australian!
Strewth Aunty, what are you doing?
Oh, it's just a little tiara
I picked up in London, Barry.
Isn't it gorgeous?
I'm going to wear it to the Opera House
for the first night of the Algerian Space Circus.
I'll be the cynosure of all eyes.
- I was right. It's her.
- You are sure?
But she has glasses.
The queen does not wear glasses.
- She's incognito, imbecile!
Then the man is Prince Charles.
Imbecile. Prince Charles has a mole
on his right buttock.
That man is a Royal Body Guard
and he's built like a
brick shittenhausen.
Wake me up when we get to Gay Paree.
No worries, Aunty.
He must be liquidated.
- Dan's after the blonde stirring...
Hey, Bazza!
- Scrotum Baker, you old bastard!
- Can you keep one down?
Just watch me!
Better than that Pommie piss!
Baker!
- Get one of these up ya!
- Yeah, right mate, ta!
- Going back to Oz, lads.
- What route are you taking?
No-one mate.
Travelling with my Aunty Edna.
Geez! Cop the Frog hostie, Bazz!
Bet she's a box tosser.
- I could be in there up to the apricots
and off like a grenade.
- Plenty more of that in Paris, mate.
- Dunno.
Bloke can pick up Christ-knows-what
from one of them Continental sheilas.
Mate of mine knew a bloke who told him
he had a friend who's mate's nose
dropped off after going
chockers with a Frog!
Oh, Marcel!
Back in a jiff, fellas.
Just off to rinse the prince.
- Yeah, righto, Bazz. See ya.
- Righto mate.
- Hi! Dr. Delamphry!
- Oh! Mr. McKenzie, my dear.
Former patient of mine
at the clinic.
I'd like you to meet
Miss Rhonda Cutforth-Jones,
editor of 'Jet Set'.
Pleased to meet you.
Hiya, horny!
Ah, look, Doc...
Madam fought off the guard!
I'm glad I got this chance to
talk to you private-like, Doc.
Well McKenzie, you couldn't have chosen
more intimate surroundings.
It's the sheila's.
I've got this little problem.
You're right McKenzie,
it is a little problem.
I mean, how come a good-lookin',
clean-cut Australian like me
gets so many knockbacks when some dirty,
greasy, ikey, no-style old bastard like you
scores it for a knee trembler
with an Abo in an airborne dunny?
Sorry Doc, I hope I didn't get you
with me gong beater!
- Ya dacks drip dry?
- I should be so lucky!
Mr. McKenzie, in answer to
your romantic problem,
Miss Cutforth-Jones and I are
on our way to Paris
for an international sex seminar-
Christ and the Orgasm.
Perhaps you and your delightful wife might
care to join us for some of the lectures.
That's me Aunty Edna.
Oh, we there yet, Barry?
No, Aunty.
This is Dr. Delamphrey and Miss...
Cutforth-Jones.
How do you do?
I've just been having my
beauty sleep here.
We've been trying to persuade
your charming nephew here
to look into some of our theological
seminars during your stopover in Paris.
I'm sure you'll both find
them spiritually uplifting.
Oh do come, Mr. McKenzie.
It's fascinating.
Do you realise that a high
percentage of young men
are unable to find sexual satisfaction?
You don't say?
How do you work that out?
My magazine conducted a
door-to-door survey.
Strewth, you can't expect for
a bloke to crack it for a fat
on his own front doorstep!
Furthermore, our questionnaire
revealed that a starling proportion of
males under twenty-five
find themselves virgins.
Lucky bastards!
Barry, we're in Paris.
Isn't it exciting?
I believe it's almost as
cosmopolitan as Sydney.
- No worries, Aunty.
- We must not lose touch.
I want you for the male centrespread
of my October issue.
The chicks who read my mag are
bananas about you well-hung Aussies, darl.
- Beauty, Rhonda.
- Barry, dear, hurry up!
- What's that Aunty?
- Just an old metal detector, Silly Billy!
- Come along dear, quick stick!
Frog bastards!
Hello, I would like to make
a reverse charge call to...
Transylvania.
You old bastards!
Come on over!
How are ya!
(WOLF HOWLS)
Plasma Castle...
Plasma speaking.
Just reporting, master.
- We have located the Queen.
- A chantée, Mon princess.
We are quite sure, but the
bodyguard was bristling in weapons.
Stiff cheese, hey Baz,
the fuzz bustin' your Fosters!
No prob, Skeet. Always manage to keep
a couple of spares up my sleeve.
Master, he's still armed.
Some kind of a Molotov cocktail.
None of your whimpering excuses, cretin.
I want Her majesty in this castle
- by noon on Friday night.
And if you harm so much as a hair...
on her legs...
You know the consequences!
I smell success.
Clothilde, this calls for a drink.
Dorothy, the Queen of England, with a little
encouragement, will be spending
her holidays in our nice country.
Once she has tasted the delights
of Transylvania
our tourist industry
will be the envy of the world.
Dorothy, I tell you,
I have a hunch about this.
So have I, master.
So have I.
Hey Baz, meet Col the Frog.
He comes from Melbourne but he's been
knocking around Gay Paree for donkey's years.
He's a bit of an old bludger,
but he knows where the action is.
Speaks the lingo perfect.
- Bonjour, monsieur.
- G'day!
Tre bonze to meet ya.
Barry, Mr. Lucas,
or Colin, if I may,
has offered to show us the sights
of Gay Paree.
His mastery of the language will
prove him very valuable.
Too flambé right!
It's an ill vent that
blows no-one any bon.
- Merci, madam.
Oh, Mr. Lucas, you have the gift of tongues,
would you order some lovely food for us?
Avec pleasure, madam
Garcon, bring a vous what's
the menus of this place,
and don't spare the flambé bechamel.
I could go a steak.
How would monsieur like his steak?
Ah, just knock off its horns, wipe
its arse and bung it on the plate.
Lovely, lovely, lovely!
Oh, isn't it lovely?
I can't wait to show my Paris footage at
the Melbourne Creative Leisure Centre.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Col.
- Yeah?
I reckon that dinner I put down
at lunchtime was a bit on the nose.
Got a funny feelin' in me Ned Kelly...
I'm gonna cry Ruth!
Better do it over the rail, Mon ami.
Notice the way the little Frog
sheila keeps lookin' at me?
Think she'd be in a game of
'Sink the Sausage', no risk!
Bazza!
Barry McKenzie...
It's me, Nerida Breeley!
You remember, in the old Bondi West
Sunday school days?
Nerida Breeley!
Cripes, what are you doin' here?
I was just a poor innocent
Australian come on a trip to London
when my work permit ran out.
I took up this job so I could save up the
fare for a mini trek over to Afghanistan.
- Does your mother know you've
got a job like this?
Cripes, I never thought I'd see the
day when a decent, clean-living
Australian sheila would
sink this low!
Nerida Breeley! Don't you realise the
bastards who come to opera houses
like this are the scum of the earth?
Don't come the blue-nose wowser, Baz.
Besides, you were never against having
a bit of a grope Sunday arvo
by the dunny at Shark Beach.
Yeah, but that wasn't in front of a
dirty great mob of perving Frogs and Deigos!
Barry, a girl's got to eat!
I'm gonna save you from all this
you poor little kid!
- Get outta the way, Barry!
Your Aunty's in Bondi.
Think about your poor brother Craig!
And what about Russell, your boyfriend?
Slaving his guts out for that block of land,
the poor deluded bastard!
Hey wait a minute you Froggie!
I'm just trying to save this Australian lass!
You're a ravin' ratbag, Baz!
You wrecked a bloody-good
cultural show!
You bastards don't give a stuff
about Australia's image!
I missed the bodyguard by two seconds.
I had the bomb right under his seat!
How was I to know he would
be kicked out of the club?
- ...that explosion! Nearly got...
- Where have you been, Barry, my lad?
- Sorry Aunty.
- I've been standing here...
Das cultural underground opera house, see...
I kill him now and then grab the Queen.
Don't be a fool!
If you miss and kill Her Majesty
you know where the Count
is capable of sending us?
- No!
- Yes...Australia!
Jeez Col, how can you stand
livin' in this dirty old dump?
There's a lot of old buildings and
not a decent beach in sight!
Strewth! Look at that ruin!
Why don't they knock it down
and put up some amenities?
You know, like garages, bottle shops,
a few drive-in Opera Houses?
An arty-crafty bloke like you'd
be laughin' back in Australia now.
The government's shellin' out piles
of moolah for any bastard who reckons
he can paint pictures, write poems
and make fillums!
Look at old Paddy.
He's a film critic from Sydney.
Copped twenty thousand just to
come over here and go to the flix!
Blood oath!
I mean don't let this clapped-out
culture grab you ,mate.
Back in Oz now we got culture
up to our arseholes!
It's no good, Baz. Wild shivelles
wouldn't drag me back to Oz now.
I once was shook on a sheila
in Melbourne.
- We were gonna be married.
- Yeah?
Yeah. Col, she says to me:
'I'll bend over backwards to make you happy'.
And then I found out she was
bending over backwards
for a lot of other blokes,
including one of me best mates.
So I came over to the
old Gay Paree...to forget.
Mon dieu.
I tell ya, Baz, I'd have crawled over
half a mile of broken glass
just to hear that little sheila
piss into an empty jam tin.
Strewth Col, did you ever tell her
you felt that way about her?
G'day, Col.
Brought around a bon little fille
to meet you, Baz.
They reckon she goes off
like an alarm clock.
If she goes off in here
there'll be strife.
Me Aunty Edna's in the next room.
Allo darling.
You 'ave a little gift for Germaine?
Col tells me you Australian.
A friend of mine is Au pair to
an Australian dentist.
She say he like it,
how do you say, plain and simple...
But Germaine not so simple.
Yeah, I reckon that. Hey, she's
comin'' on a bit strong, isn't she, Col?
Takes two to tango, Baz.
- You might have to butter her up a bit.
Look, Col, I hope I don't cop
a rash or something.
I remember me dad tellin' me
about his mate during the war.
Had a naughty with a Deigo tart and
the poor bastard's nose dropped off!
This lovely mademoiselle is
no ordinary tart.
- She comes from one of the top families.
- Convent educated.
- She's RC!
RC, AC, DC- the lot!
Come on for just for me drongle.
I'm in for horse collar!
Germaine is cold.
You come here, keep her warm.
Look, couldn't you come back later?
I was supposed to be going out
with me Aunty Edna.
This Edna is sexy, yeah,
like Charmaine?
I bet Germaine knows more tricks
than this Edna.
I reckon you're not wrong there, Germie.
Listen, hold on. Hold ya horses!
Me nose'll be a right-off
at this rate!
Aw, stone the crows!
Now you've done it!
I reckon it's loose already.
- Tomorrow morning I'll probably be
looking for it among the bed clothes!
- What a mug I've been.
- Barry?
- Barry, what's going on in there dear?
- Nothing, Aunty.
Look, Germie, you're a colossal
lookin' sheila and all that,
and to tell you the truth I'm that randy I
could root the hair on a barber shop floor,
but I promise my Aunty Edna
I'd take her to this lecture.
Bugger me dead! That sky pilot's
a dead ringer for you, Bazza!
Barry, Barry, it's Kevin.
- Barry, isn't it a small world?!
I wonder if he brought Cherylene?
Kevin?! Looks like a flamin' pie eater!
Gee Bazza, your brother is a sky pilot!
No wonder you never let on about him.
Pull your head in!
I don't think a bloke would skite
to his mates
- that his only twin brother
wears his collar back to front, do you?
He's the only one on your side of the
family with a modicum of refinement, Barry.
Oh, yeah.
Look boys, I've still got that snap taken of
Barry and Kevin when they were toddlers.
- You poofters!
Dearly beloved, the Reverend
Kevin McKenzie from Australia.
He's no stranger to you
who have read his wonderful book
'The Coming of Age on Kangaroo Island'.
- The Reverend Kevin McKenzie...
- Kev, look who's here!
Barry!
Would you believe?
- It's been donkey's years!
- G'day Cherylene.
Gee it's bonza to see a real, fair-dinkum
Australian sheila for a change.
Oh Kevin, it's quite a family reunion.
Verily, Aunt.
God moveth in a mysterious way.
The family that prays together
stays together.
Geez Barry, you're just the same.
We heard you'd gone all sophisticated
from being in England.
Yeah, they reckon me Aussie accent's
nearly disappeared.
Cherylene, curbest thou thy enthusiasm
for my profligate brother if thou willest.
Fair suck of the pineapple, Kev.
Look at you all dressed up like
a pox doctor's clerk!
- You haven't changed.
- Neither hast thou.
- Barrington.
- Barrington?!
Big sheila!
I told you never to call
me that, Kev.
The others will reckon
I'm a shirt lifter!
Seest thou drongos later.
We're that proud of young Kevin.
The bodyguard.
- Hopefully I'll be contributing a paper
on the modern church.
He has yet to accept the consecrated
use of marijuana in communion service.
Christ would have really dug the gay scene.
Have you ever balled another chick,
Mrs. Everage?
I may be old fashioned, young woman,
but lesbianism has always left
a nasty taste in my mouth.
And without any further ado,
I would like to welcome him
to this parish seminar on
Christ and the Orgasm.
dearly beloved, the very Reverend
Kevin McKenzie.
The very Reverend
Kevin McKenzie...
- Kevin...McKenzie!
Barry, Edna, Kevin's disappeared!
They can't find him anywhere.
Have you tried looking in
the throttling pit?
There's no-one in the rest room, Barry.
Quite frankly I'm frantic!
- The very, very Reverend, Kevi McKenzie!
The Bishop sounds worried.
Sounds like a ravin' ratbag to me, Aunty.
- I've got it Barry- you go on.
- Me?!
- Come off it Cherylene.
- Don't be mad, you can't let the family down.
If they think Kevin's shot through, he'll
be up the creek with the Bishop of Bondi!
You have to do it Barry.
You can't let Australia down.
Right-o, Aunty.
And now here he is,
all the way from Sydney, Australia-
the Reverend Kevin Menzies
Nelson Eddy McKenzie.
Thanks Arch.
As a sexual counselor,
what might your approach be
- to a young female parishioner
with grave
nyphomaniacal tendencies?
I reckon that's a tough one.
Ah, I suppose I'd take her to
the pictures...
- buy her a few shandies
and then have a crack at
puttin' the ferret through the furry hoop.
They're loving him, Cheryl.
Mr. McKenzie, I'm a priest.
I'm also a homosexual.
- My gay liberation colleagues in Australia
tell me there is employment
discrimination against us.
- Speaking as a churchman and humanitarian,
where would you place me in Australia?
I reckon somewhere around Kings Cross
in one of them all night dunnies.
Good on ya, Rev!
You're not a man of the cloth, obviously.
Now for the queen.
Sir, in your book,
'The Coming of Age on Kangaroo Island',
you refer to the local Flying Saucer
Society as a bunch of ratbags.
What exactly is a 'ratbag'?
♪ A ratbag is a sheila or a bloke
(Or a bloke)
♪ Who's kinda funny
but like who never sees the joke
♪ Now take me mother's brother
Uncle Graham
♪ He's a ravin' bloody ratbag
through and through
♪ He collects old kettles
makes his own wine outta metals
♪ And he reckons Adolph Hitler
was a Jew!
♪ He's always seeing flying saucers landing
♪ Bringing ratbags to the earth
from outer space
♪ And he's written in his will
that when he dies we have to spill
♪ his ash on Melbourne Cup Day
underneath the race
♪ (Oh yes he is)
A ratbag
♪ (Yes he is)
A ravin' ratbag
♪ (Yes he is)
He's a screwball, he's a nutcase there's no doubt
♪ And if you think you're ratbag free
Then just shake your family tree
♪ See some great big ravin' ratbags
fallin' out
♪ If you eat your sweet and sour pork with chopsticks
♪ When you're at home with
no-one round to see
♪ If you're a Filipino healer
or think Shakespeare was a sheila
♪ Or you try to cure
your warts with herbal tea
♪ If you listen to the latest teenage guru
Or you pin your faith on Scientology
♪ If you grow organic food
Go horse riding in the nude
♪ There's a very famous chance
that you could be
♪ (Could be)
A ratbag
♪ A ravin' ratbag
♪ You're a screwball,
you're a nutcase there's no doubt
♪ And if you think you're ratbag free
Then just shake your family tree
♪ See the great big ravin' ratbags
falling out
♪ (You're a ratbag)
For if you should turn on your alarm clock
♪ Though you know it never ever
makes you wake
♪ You're a ratbag if you rise
with a burst of exercise
♪ Or count to forty
every time you chew your steak
♪ You're a ratbag if you live upon a commune
or you sail the seas alone upon a yacht
♪ (Ratbag)
♪ Flagpole squatters, housewife potters
Anonymous phoners, sperm bank doners
♪ Pakistani waiters, poofter liberators
Misfits from Thailand, everyone in Ireland
♪ But looking round this hall
I have to say now out of us all
♪ That there's just one bastard in here
who is not
♪ (Who's that?)
♪ A ratbag, a ravin' ratbag
♪ A screwball, a nutcase there's no doubt
♪ But if you think you're ratbag free
- ♪ Then just shake your family tree
♪ See the great big ravin' ratbags falling out
♪ A ratbag, a ravin' ratbag
♪ You're a screwball, you're a nutcase
there's no doubt
♪ And if you think you're ratbag free
Then just shake your family tree
♪ See the great big ravin' ratbags
(Great big ravin' ratbags)
♪ Great big ravin' ratbags
falling out ♪
Kevin?
Kevin?
Kevin dear.
Kevin? Kevin?
Kevin!
Kevin?
- Kevin answer me, dear.
- Kevin.
Are you hiding from me, Kevin?
- Kevin?
- Kevin, are you in there dear?
- Excuse me your majesty.
Aunty Edna!
What's happening? Aunty!
Aunty Edna!
Aunty Edna! Aunty Edna!
Stop!
Aunty Edna!
Ah, excusez-moi, monsieur,
pray tell us, me, where is
the Australian Embassy?
Je Ne vous comprends pas, monsieur.
The Australian Embassy?
Ah, kangaroo?
Waltzing Mathilda.
You know, sky pilots are lucky
wearing these dog collars.
At least they can enjoy a decent chunder
without having to tuck their ties in
like other bastards.
- What's the matter, Cherylene?
- Oh he's not here and there's no note.
- What are we gonna do now, Barry?
- Dunno.
The kids at school used to reckon
Kev had two dongers.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean he couldn't have got as silly
as that playing with just one, could he?
Oh, don't worry, Cherylene.
He must have got nervous and
shot through like a Bondi Tram!
Aw, he'll probably roll up later
full as a bull's bum.
Oh geez Barry, you're a
great comfort to me.
You always were a beaut bloke.
Oh gee, thanks, Cheryl.
You know Barry, when you
went away last year
before I married Kevin,
I didn't know what I was gonna do.
I was pretty keen on you too, Cheryl,
but just my luck the old ah...
Old Kev got up there first.
All the blokes reckon I, I used to
be creaming me jeans over you
just because you had a set of top
bollocks like a pair of Mudgee mailbags!
Ah, Kevin never paid me
compliments like that!
He doesn't really know
how to talk to a woman.
Oh Barry!
- Thou dirty dingo!
- Kev!
Thou shalt not covet thy
twin brother's wife!
- Kev!
- Kev, you'll hurt him!
- Oh, Kev!
- You're gonna get the hell out of here!
Now Kev listen...
This way Kev.
It's not my fault!
Thou seducer!
- Kev...Kev...
- Thou explain.
Stop it. Stop it!
Barry, you've gone far enough!
It's stupid!
You Bible pimp...
- It's not my fault.
- stop it, Barry!
- Barry, get off him. You'll hurt him!
- This one's for Dad.
- Fight fair you bastard!
- That's enough!
Barry, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me!
The Commo's have got your Aunty Edna!
- I'm over here mate, that's Kev.
- Who the hell are you?
- Foureyes Fenton.
Australian Cultural Attaché to Europe.
G'day. Listen mate, Kev's
just been down at the Embassy,
giving us the drum on two
foreign-type bastards he
saw shoot through
with your Aunty Edna.
- What would they want with Edna?
- We don't know, but something smells.
Kev must have opened his lunch.
- Listen mate, all I know's your aunty's
in more strife than Speed Gordon.
We reckon you're not safe
in Paris, Barry.
Gotta sneak you back to London, mate.
- Not that dump again!
- I'm afraid they don't want you neither, mate.
Under these new British immigration laws,
Aussies have gotta have a Pommie work permit!
Work? Brits couldn't even spell it!
Bloody Pommies wouldn't work
on an iron lung.
That's for sure, but don't worry mate...
- We got a little scheme going with
an English businessman and some wogs...
- Erm, some tinted people!
Guv, where is this mate of yours?
I gotta get this shipment
over the channel by 8 o'clock.
Listen, just hold on another couple
of minutes, will ya?
I don't do this for money.
I only do this illegal immigration thing
for humanitarian principles.
G'day Foureyes!
Sorry I'm late mate. We got caught
in a traffic jamb at the Champs-Élysées.
Salam, cobber.
Abdul McKenzie's the name.
Come on mate.
I'm not taking that flaming camel.
Now listen Barry. we'll be
transporting the other side to London.
We gotta meet at 2 o'clock sharp.
A high level
- consultation with the Australian Ambassador.
Your Aunty Edna's life
could be at stake, Barry!
Right-o Foureyes!
Right up he they can't
get where we come from.
What the bleedin' hell we got here?!
What are you gonna do
for a crust in London, mate?
I'm going to get a job in a
snake-charming factory.
I don't reckon there'll be too many
snake charmers in England, mate.
How very wonderful.
Then there's sure to be a vacancy!
You'd make a pretty good
little snake charmer yourself.
- Do you play the flute?
- No! I am studying Kant.
same here, but I keep
failing the practical.
Comfort stop.
- Must be the flamin' curry!
- This your vehicle, sir?
No, left by foot.
is that a Colonial twang, sir?
Australian are you, sir?
This your national costume?
- Born in this country, sir?
- You gotta be kiddin'!
Indeed sir.
Passport please, sir.
- That your basket, sir.
- Yeah, like it's me dirty washing.
- Do you have a license for that serpent, sir?
- Excuse me sir, look at that.
No entry stamp.
This man's an illegal immigrant.
Well, well.
Welcome to England, cobber.
We better find you a bit
of accommodation.
- And bring ya cobra, cobber.
- Oh, very good, lad!
I like ya clobber, cobber.
- Ah, very good.
- I'm really chuffed to meet you, cobber.
I tried to migrate to your bleedin' country
a couple of years ago
and got knocked back, didn't I!
Well, they're making things
a bit tough, aren't they now?
You gotta be able to read and write
before you can be a shit house attendant.
You're gonna be the guest of
Mother England for some time, cobbler.
Let me outta here!
I mean there'd be no flamin'
Mother England if it wasn't for Australia!
Our fighting men came over here when you
Pomms were ready to throw in the towel!
Plus all them slimy yellow men
would have flattened this dump
if it hadn't been for me uncles and
their superlative fighting spirit!
I mean the game was nearly up
for you Pomms, no risk!
If it hadn't been for Australia,
most of them slant-eyes pricks
would have strung every white titty
on a pills and gone chockablock
with all the nurses and bus-conductresses!
Let me outta here you
ungrateful Pommie bastards!
- He, Barry.
- How did you get in here?
I'm your great-great-great-great
uncle Crowther.
I'm here unofficially
to give you a helpin' hand.
You're a flamin' ghost!
Now come off your high horse, Bazza.
I'm no apparition what's
come to haunt ya.
- You know, the Beaks threw me in here...
This stinkin' hole, in 1804, and
then transported me to Botany Bay.
Pull the other one!
Mum said there weren't any
convicts in our family.
Pig's arse there weren't!
Here, you wanna get out of here,
don't ya, meet your mate and rescue
- your Aunty Edna?
- My oath I do.
Well, take this and scrape around
those big, hefty rocks down there.
Go on.
Strewth!
Five years I was in here.
Dug that tunnel with me bare hands.
- Leads to a sewer.
- How come you never escaped yourself, uncle?
Oh, I was dead set on scarpering.
Gave it a lot of thought.
Then one day I was thinkin'-
Why not go to Australia?
Anything's better than this bleedin' dump!
You're right there, Uncle Arthur.
There's a bit of a boat down there.
See ya in heaven.
Hey uncle, what's them letters
on your back- P.O.H.M?
All us Commies wear this.
'Prisoner of His Majesty'.
Pohm. They tell me the word's still being
used to describe what's become
the lowest form of humanity.
Ta ta.
How strong with the needle
you gave Her majesty?
I think we'll be at the castle
before she wakes up.
That's good.
Cripes, it's darker than an
Abo's arsehole!
Pong! It smells like a
lubra's loincloth.
Oh, beauty!
Strewth, no oars!
Now I'm really up shit creek
without a paddle!
Bugger all changes here mate.
It's worse, if anything.
- Got me a bob, guv?
- Piss off!
- Geeze, watch it mate.
- Bloody dog crap!
Nearly broke me leg on that
Alsatian’s visiting card!
The Poms can dodge 'em, mate.
Just like those tinted islanders walking
on hot coals and never getting burnt.
Oh, I could hit that in the golden jail
like a plate of porridge!
Put on a spurt, Baz, the
Australian Ambassador's waiting for us.
Hey Foureyes, you reckon this outfit's
all right for meeting the Ambassador?
Don't worry, Baz.
Speaking of Cultural Attaché,
I can assure you that informality
is the keynote at Oz House.
♪ Singing toorali-orali-addity
Singing toorali-oolari-ai
♪ Singing toorali-ollari-addity
- G'day, Paul.
- G'day Foureyes. Bazza.
♪ We're bound for Botany Bay
- Foureyes.
- G'day mate, how are ya?
♪ Singing toorali-orali-addity
Singing toorali-oolari-ai
- Oh, what a fantastic bunch of bastards!
- Come on, mate, let's go.
- G'day Foureyes.
- G'day Neil.
♪ Now for seven long years I've been waitin' here
For seven long years and a day
- Hey, what's that Foureyes?
- That's the Immigration Department, mate.
- Interviewing all the poor old Poms
who want to share our incomparable
living standards and cultural attainments.
All you've gotta do now
is pass the Australian culture test.
Three simple questions,
three simple answers
and you go through that doorway
to the greatest little
country in the world!
Thank you, Debbie.
Thank you, sweetheart.
- Alrighty Bob...
Here we go.
First question.
Which country, I repeat,
which country
with regard to music, ballet, theatre.
o-opera, poems, novels, paintings and fillums?
You've got ten seconds, Bob.
- Australia.
- Correct! Absolutely correct!
You've been doin' your
homework, haven't you!
- Very, very good.
Are you ready
- for question number two?
- Yes, yes.
Okay Bob, here it comes, hey!
Which particular country on
the face of the earth
has the biggest and best beaches,
drive-in bottle shops, scenery,
motels, marsupials,
beer, table wine, high-rise development
and sheilas?
Ten seconds from now, Bob.
- Australia?
- The correct answer!
Well done, well done!
Third question's coming up
and this is the big one.
Yes.
- And the very, very best of good luck, Bob.
- Thank you.
- By the way Bob, you married.
- What? Well, no... Not really. No.
Poofter?
Beg your pardon?
Section 24, sub-section B3,
no poofters allowed!
Oh. Naturally.
Okay. Okay, Bob.
- Okay this is it. This is the big one.
- Okay.
- Third question coming up.
- All right.
- Which country...
Which country is the arsehole of the world?
Australia...
No, oh no, England!
Bob, I don't know.
You were right on the bell. I just don't know.
I'll have to throw that over to the judges,
Bob. I'm sorry.
What do you think, judges?
- Now what do you reckon?
- Is he a poofter?
Don't forget he's a Pom.
You can't expect too much on that score.
Please, please...
- Please, I beg of you.
for humanity's sake!
Let me walk tall in Australia.
Well what do you say?
Gents like him could take advantage...
- Robert Crowther.
- Yes.
Australia extends to you a
- fond greetin'.
Well done, Bob mate.
You're in.
Congratulations Bob,
for playing the migration game...
and welcome to the land of sunshine.
- G'day Foureyes.
- G'day.
- G'day, Nolene. Alec in?
- Yeah, come on in. He's expecting you.
- G'day Foureyes.
- G'day Alec.
- They keeping you busy?
- Busy as a one-armed taxi driver with crabs.
- Meet Barry McKenzie, Alec.
- Pleased to meet you.
G'day.
- Have a tube?
- Aw, lovely!
- You know what's-his-name?
- G'day Prickface.
I forgive thee, Barrington.
Hello Barry.
I was just telling...er...um...
Prickface here that we get a lot of
publications here at Oz House, Barry.
Take a gander at this one.
Just turned up this morning.
- Look, I won't say we don't try
a few swifties to pull the tourists with
- all that garbage about
that flamin' Opera House.
- But this bloke takes
the flamin' cake!
Oh, what a wonderful, warm welcome Count,
especially after such a nightmare of a trip.
You know when I filled in that form
in London for a surprise package tour
I didn't think I'd be in
for so many surprises!
The Minister of Tourism
will do anything in hos power
to make your stay a joyous one.
It was so sweet of your daughter here
to lend me this pretty frock
and matching accessories.
He name is Clothilde.
She's my slave.
She will be looking after
your every need, your Majesty.
Oh, please don't keep calling me your Majesty.
Where I come from informality is the keynote.
As you wish...Elizabeth.
- You mean me Aunty's in some Commo
castle with that oily lookin' poofter?
I'd like to come in here,
if I may, Excellency.
Fair enough, sport.
Boys, I’d like you to meet Sir Nigel Stewart
of the Pommie Foreign Orifice.
- G'day. Pleased to meet you.
- G'day.
- Like a cold one, Sir Nigel?
- Thank you, no.
Gentlemen, I read this situation
as serious.
Damn serious.
I want to give you some idea
of the kind of villain we're up against.
Lights.
- Erich Count Plasma.
Educated Charter House in Cambridge.
Brilliant scholar...
Friend of the famous.
- Sent down for grave robbing.
- Flirts openly with Black Magic.
- Defected to the Eastern Block.
Thereafter maintains a bizarre ménage while
head of the Transylvanian Tourist Commission.
- Believed to be a practicing vampire.
Do you mean he'll be practicing
on Aunty Edna?!
Well, she could be all right
if she doesn't stick her neck out.
- Hugo Cretin...a known pervert.
- Modeste Imbecile...homicidal maniac.
But otherwise quite harmless.
Dorothy...Plasma's repulsive Catamite.
- Fanatical Socialist and Secretary
of the all-powerful
- Amalgamated Union of Transylvanian Hunchbacks.
- The woman known as Clothide.
Apparently Plasma's mistress.
- Voluptuous, perverse. Apparently
of low intelligence but no sucker.
Could be no bastard's giving her a fair go.
Kev's creamin' his cassy!
Givest thou the drum, Sir Nigel.
Is my aunt in danger of sexual molestation?
With respect I should say
that was highly unlikely.
- However, once Plasma realises
he is no longer entertaining royalty,
he may be after her blood.
Excuse me Erich, I wonder if I might put a call
through to my husband Norm, in Melbourne?
Reverse charges, of course.
There is really no need to sustain
this elaborate subterfuge in front of me.
There is a cross on the line!
- I've told you never to use that word!
- What? Line?
No...cross!
My son, Dorothy will advise us when...
communication with Buckingham Palace
is restored.
Make a note Dorothy,
the code name for the Duke of Edinburgh
is Norm of Melbourne.
Norm of Melbourne.
A conventional commando raid to rescue
Mrs. Everage from plasma's castle
would create embarrassing
diplomatic repercussions
because of the absurd detente
between Australia and the Eastern Block.
That's for sure.
Bloody Reds!
However, my top espionage wallers
have discovered that
Plasma's mountain fastness
is open to conducted tourist
parties on Sunday afternoons.
This is where you come in, McKenzie.
- Ah, you too, Prickface.
Mr Foureyes, could rustle up a team
of young, intelligent, sober Australians?
- Well, a team of young Australians?
Wadda ya reckon, Barry?
No worries mate. We'll smuggle in
Scrotum, Paddy, well, the whole gang.
Hey Foureyes, here comes that Abo sheila
I committed intimacy with in Paris.
I hear them tinted lasses don't
like it plain and simple, Barry.
Yeah, I heard that...
I mean you're not wrong there, mate.
Watch out matey!
Flipping hell!
Well, well, well, Mr. McKenzie!
So you put your foot in it again, I see.
G'day Doc.
Strewth, I must have slipped in an egg
and Brit broke the leg off a billiard table.
I heard you Aussies were well hung but I
didn't realise you kept tripping over them!
I understood you were en route to Australia,
McKenzie. What brings you to London?
It's like this Doc...
Me twin brother, Kev the Rev
bumped in to two Transylvanian ratbags
- who sunk the slipper
and dumped him in a dirt tip.
Then this oily bastard called Count Plasma
- from Transylvania,
who was chucked outta school for bein'
a vampire
and then later became
- the third man...
- well, mistook me Aunty Edna
for bein'
the Queen, see,
and he whipped her off in an ambulance.
Well, Sir Nigel reckons that if my aunty
lets on that she's not the Queen,
a great, dirty big hunchback
dwarf named Doris
is gonna turn her into a Frankenstein monster.
See, you can only get into the
haunted house on Sunday, so
Foureyes and me,
we're gonna round up some
- of our mates
and take a decko!
You're a sick, sick boy, McKenzie.
- Here...
Take my card. You can pour
your heart to me anytime you like.
Must have been the flamin' dog crap
on me clothes. Turned me stomach.
Come on back to my place, Barry
a- and you can clean up some.
I'll see ya later, Barry.
- Great!
- Is that all right?
- ♪ You think you're ratbag free...
♪ If you shake your family tree...
♪ See the great big ravin' ratbags falling out...
- I’m comin' in honey child!
Righto.
Oh, let me feel for it, man!
- Hey, what's on the go, Rhondy?
- Screwless!
I done told you.
Ride on Monty, the harrumph!
May your centrspread inject his navy!
Oh, give us a break, Rhondy!
If me mum sees any of them snaps
her veins'll be a right off!
Too much soap on it man
for our liberated readers.
Fantastic! Fantastic, man!
Great! Great!
Great!
Rub yourself down and come on out.
- I got somthin'
nice!
I's here for you!
Rhonda? Rhonda?
Here I am, Rhonda darling.
I reckon I love ya.
Shit!
Out of my bed, white trash!
What's going on in here?
I've got a modelling fee for you, man!
How many times I told you, Rhonda,
- not to bring any of them
male model poofters of yours
- to our private quarters?
Especially the Australians!
- They are the biggest and the most
BSA poofters of them all!
Welcome, Excellency.
Right on time.
Now your chaps will be taking off from
our old wartime airstrip over yonder
in exactly twenty-seven minutes.
I take it you've briefed
with MI5 instructors?
No worries.
You've told them about the
parachute drop into the pine forest?
Cripes... Oh jeez... Cri...
Look, I reckon it'd be smart
if we broke to 'em on the plane.
I think you'll find these lads have got
plenty of the old Anzac spirit.
Ah, capital.
Why not ask the lads in for a grog
before you go over the top?
Shit hey?
Come on you blokes, it's a piss up!
But apparently that meeting's
gone black form, so...
- Where's the eats?
- Dunny...
- The Australian men's in for a drink.
- Australian day, eh?
- G'day.
Why don't you chaps put
on some sort of corroboree?
Sorry to disappoint ya sport,
but we left our nulanula's
back in Earl's Court.
- Pommie bastard.
- Yeah.
Do I hear those dulcet Aussie tones?
God, I absolutely worship
the Dingo lingo.
Listen to this jolly fellow.
Say something in Australian, cobber.
Listen drongo! I wouldn't piss in
your ear if your brain was on fire!
Glad you could make it, Col.
Never reckoned you'd leave the old Paris.
Yeah well, when any of mine's in trouble.
- I'm always there.
- I say...
Is it true that all
Australians are homosexuals?
Mate, that's just a rumour
spread by the Australian government
to attract Pommie migrants!
She has a photograph of her husband,
the Prince Philip.
I said your suspicions were
unfounded you contorted...
I tell you she is not the queen!
She is frightened of dogs and horses
and loves gladioli!
Quiet!
Can't we discuss this matter quietly
like normal, rational human being?
Don't they live in a gorgeous
little unit, Barry?
No worries, Nolene.
It's nicer than a naughty on
an inner spring mattress.
Don't tell me you two are
Australians too! God help us!
My oath I'm Australian,
and proud of it!
It's the greatest little
humdinger of a country in the world.
You poor Poms don't
know what you're missing.
Beaut sandy beaches,
lovely, juicy steaks.
Big shiny cars.
Millions of drive-in bottle shops,
and decent church-going
buggers all over the place,
and lots of gorgeous, beautiful,
clean-livin' sheilas
who root like rattlesnakes!
To that! Good on ya, Bazza!
Poms wouldn't know their bums
from a hole in the ground.
♪ Australians are noted for their wit
we're famed for our repartee
♪ And when we meet a stuck-up Brit
We give him a sample free
♪ When a whinging Pommie comes the raw prawn
and gives our ears a bash
♪ We turn on him with a look of scorn
and we tell him quick as a flash
♪ Oh I hope all your chooks turn to emus
and kick ya dunny down flat to the grass
♪ I hope ya balls turn to bicycle wheels
and back-pedal up your arse
♪ I hope every la-de-da Pommie like you
gets the trots when he's swallowed the plum
♪ Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
and stick ya head up a dead bear's bum
♪ One day I met a migrant fob
who fought the poor coward drink
♪ From the way the bastard was carrying on
You'd reckon his poop didn't stink
♪ I slapped me head till this poofter said
The Brits could lick us at cricket
♪ Well I showed him the rough end of a pineapple
and I told him where he could stick it
♪ I said, I hope all your chooks turn to emus
and kick your dunny down flat to the grass
♪ I hope ya balls turn to bicycle wheels
and back-pedal up your arse
♪ I hope every la-de-da Pommie like you
gets the trots when he's swallowed the plum
♪ Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
and stick ya head up a dead bear's bum
♪ Now Australian's power of eloquence
is part of our national glory
♪ You just have to listen to parliament
to cop our oratory
♪ Our politician's wit is quick
His voice is rich in timbre
♪ So one of these days I won't be amazed
to hear this speech in Canberra
♪ Oh I hope all your chooks turn to emus
and kick ya dunny down flat to the grass
♪ I hope ya balls turn to bicycle wheels
and back-pedal up your arse
♪ I hope a right honourable member
will permit me to give him the drum
♪ Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
♪ Go and dip ya left eye in hot cocky shit
and stick ya head up a dead bear's bum
All right now, just give a bit of shush.
Now remember you blokes...and sheilas,
the only types that they let into these
Commo showplaces is ratbag
Australian journos
and trade union whingers who have
brown-nosed their way
into a free overseas trip.
- What if the Secret Police question us?
- I'll flatten the bastards!
No you won't!
Now remember, if you're questioned,
you're all radical students from Bondi Uni
who want to abolish ya tests
before you get a chance to fail 'em.
You all think that the sun shines
out of Starlin's arsehole.
- And don't lose them flamin' badges!
Bondi Organisation for Radical Education.
Hey, what's this me lunch?
Hope you put in some nice curried spaghetti
and peanut butter sandwiches.
That's a parachute, mate,
not ya lunch.
And don't open it until
you're out of the plane.
Oh, you're spoiling me, Erich.
This is a banquet fit for a queen!
- What could be more
appropriate your Majesty
- for Transylvania's
most honoured guest?
No formalities Erich, please.
I'd like to get to know
this little lass.
- I must say dear...
- A drink before luncheon, sir?
- ...sophisticated kind of a way...
- You know when I was your age
I used to have hair I could sit on.
Tell me dear, do you wear your
surgical hose over or
underneath your body stocking?
You know Erich, my nephew Barry
would adore this lovely child.
and I'm sure that she would admire
the Continental, overseas style
elegance that he has acquired.
He's given his family a lot of heartache,
but I've still got a soft spot for him.
And what's the old saying...
'Blood is thicker than water'.
Yes...it is.
What a sweet little tinted person, Erich.
He was a gift from our friends in Peking.
Oh, I love Pekineses!
Perhaps I could take this little one
aside later?
He could give me a couple of slants
on how to grow Bonsai gladdies!
Gladys? Who's Gladys?
Oh, I love your old-world home, Count.
How I'd adore to decorate it in a
contemporary Australian-Spanish style.
The lord is my shepherd
I shall not...
Make sure you get those stakes
real sharp, fellas!
- ...green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
- He restoreth my soul.
- He leadeth me in the path of
righteousness for His own sake.
- Yea though I walk through the
Valley of the Shadow of Death
- I will fear no evil.
For Thou art with me
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
- Thou preparest a table for me
before mine enemy.
- Thou annoitest my head with oil.
What's up, Col?
- You look as nervous as
a nun in an Op shop.
Here, get this down ya!
De apelle, Bazz.
Merci a vous.
- The lord is my shepherd
I shall not want...
Okay fellas, we're over the target.
Get ready for the jump.
The best of Australian
luck to the lot of youse!
- Tell us all right.
- Australia's fightin' to go!
Hey, Nolene, you're a bit of alright!
When we get back would you
like to go down to the Red Cross?
We could sink a couple of coldies
and take in a talkie.
- We've got Australia's shitload!
- we're goin' hiking ya fool!
- Really, truly, Bazza!
(WOLF HOWLS)
Believe me, I'm not going cruising.
Ripper!
- These glorious buildings...
- built on the site of wasteful and
unproductive parkland
- and children's playgrounds
- are a lasting tribute to the innate
artistry of the Transylvanian people,
- and a permanent memorial to the
unquenchable progressive spirit
of the cheerful, resourceful and
industrious C-C-Carpathian worker.
And so we say
- farewell to glorious Transylvania.
Just do it, do it, do it!
Jewel, jewel... Jewel of this
Socialist Block.
What a delightful educational film
that was, Erich.
It just so happens I've got a little
home movie here of my own.
It's all about Australia.
Would it be rude of me to ask Dorothy
to run it through her aperture?
What a charming thought, dear lady.
Run this through your aperture
you mishapen moron..
It's a film of one of
the royal tours.
Welcome to Plasma Castle,
pride of the glory of the people's
- Republic of Transylvania.
- Come on boys. I've got an idea.
- Accompany, because at this moment,
the Prize Monarch of England
- is viewing the table
and the light switch.
- You will come this way, please.
Fashion wise our Australian menfolk
- are real trendsetters.
They're the envy of Seville Road.
- We are now crossing the fabled
Bridge of Death...
- How nice to leave the hustle
and bustle of city life
- and try our luck with gay nature
- on one of Sydney's world class beaches.
- That's Barry.
- Bodyguard.
- Wonderful young man.
- Oh, those beastly sea wasps again!
- However, it's not really as bad as it looks.
- The majority of carefree holiday makers
nibbled by the wasps are only maimed for life.
- The cheerful members of Australia's
world-famed shark squads
- skip nimbly to the tragedy
within minutes.
- They're trained to give not only
pain killing injections
- but on the spot amputations to
grateful swimmers.
Courtyard of Plasma Castle.
Scene of so many glorious battles.
- Invaders of the castle...
- Hey Col, where you off to?
Got a lead on me Aunty?
No Baz. Follow me, I'm just going off to
train Thomas at the Transylvanian terracotta.
Have one for me.
Col?
This is a typical lower income
bracket Australian kitchen.
Oh, that's the little chemist where
my husband gets his films developed.
- Your husband? Oh, the Prince?
- Yes, the prints.
Once we got the wrong prints.
- The wrong Prince?
- Yes, prints of Wagga Wagga.
I didn't know there was a
Prince in Wagga Wagga.
- Norm took the prints back.
- Norm? Ah, the Prince.
Yes, the prints.
-...has the finest political
system in the world.
- Excellency...there is an urgent matter.
- I shall have to leave you, dear lady.
- Comrade Lucas.
- Why aren't you in Paris?
- I got some info, Count.
It had better be good, Comrade Lucas.
Why the KGB tolerates an old-fashioned
revisionist like yourself never fails to amaze me.
You're in dead trouble, Count.
- The castle's crawling with
Australian agents come to rescue
- Mrs. Norm Everage of
Melbourne, Australia.
- Never heard of her.
My only guest is the Queen of England.
If Edna Everage is the Queen of England,
I'm Prince Philip!
You are the Prince?
- Listen Plasma...
You filled me in properly in Paris.
Give me the drum who you was really after.
I could have told you
- Edna wasn't Betty Britain!
She's not the Queen?
Just a moment.
That nauseous film...that hint of...
Colonial accent!
I thought I began to detect
inconsistencies in her
absurd royalist postures.
This bird-brained Australian
- harpy has tried to dupe me!
To abuse my hospitality.
This Everage has made a laughing stock
out of this Transylvanian's
working class!
Bazza!
What's the matter, Erich?
Didn't you like my little film?
I, Erich Count Von Plasma,
duped by an Australian housewife!
What an unexpected honour to see
our illustrious, fortunate leader,
Erich Count Von Plasma.
- Where are you going?
- My boots and stockings are hurting me, dear.
Geez Col, you saved me life.
Leave me alone Baz, I'm done for.
I couldn't lie straight in bed.
Ever since... Since they put the finger
on me back in Australia in the 50s,
for bein' a Commo sympathiser, I've
been on the run selling Australia short.
I was one of those dirty rats who
reckoned there were better places
on earth than Oz.
- And look where it's flamin' got me!
You'll be all right Col.
We'll get a quack, a specialist.
I'm glad it happened this way, Baz.
Will you do us a favour?
Take me body back to Australia and
bury me under an old blue gum tree
beside some sleepy billabong.
And Baz, if you see any of them long-haired
students or Commo Trade Union types,
you tell 'em from Col the Frog,
that Australia is the greatest little
country in the...
Poor old Col.
He'd give away his arsehole
and shit through his ribs.
Cripes!
- Col's had it.
- Yeah...
He saved me life.
- This way to the great...
Right, let's get up and get those
dirty Commo vampires!
And now for the Grand staircase...
Your don't think your acting, your corny
impersonation of royalty
fooled me for a moment, do you?
Oh, you are a silly Count!
This is the last time I go on
a surprise package tour.
- What kind of a place is this?
This place dear lady,
is one of the most
comprehensive blood cellars
in Europe.
It will be interesting
to add a rare Australian vintage
to my collection.
- I always give a pint to the Red Cross
but this is ridiculous!
The Auto-vamp, dear lady.
A little labour saving contraption
of my own.
It can suck you dry
- whilst I, for example, mow the lawn.
Or watch the cup final on TV.
Can I get a cup of tea
and a bikkie after this?
Full bodied. Pleasant aftertaste.
Rhesus negative, if I'm not mistaken!
I have been searching for years
for this vintage and always in vain.
But I must leave you, dear lady and
deal with your uncouth Colonial friends.
Cooee!
Repent! Repent!
Please mister, gimme a chance!
I liked the film Queen Edna showed.
I want to be an Australian, now!
I want to start a new life,
that's for sure!
I want to be a Sydney taxi driver,
no worries!
Stiff cheddar, son!
We don't want types like you undermining
our wonderful institutions,
our unique lifestyle!
Crawling like termites in the
fabric of our nationhood!
- We've got too many cheap lovers as it is!
- Blood oath, Alec!
I want to be an Australian!
I dunno, Alec.
Perhaps given half a chance he might
have come good in a country like Oz.
He might have been an estate agent,
an add man, a car dealer...
a
or a Cultural Attaché like me.
Foureyes...you can't win 'em all.
Coo-ee!
Oh, sorry to disturb you,
but I'm looking for Count Plasma.
Funny lookin' bloke...
Sorta creepy...
Red-lined cape and great big teeth!
Strewth!
Her eyes, Scrotum!
don't look into her eyes!
No worries. I never look at the mantlepiece
when I'm pokin' a vampire!
Coo-ee!
- Aunty Edna!
- Where's that Plasma bastard?
- Are you looking for me?
- My Colonial fiends.
- Let's get him!
This is it fellas.
Got ya stakes?
Shall we drop all this vampire
nonsense, gentlemen?
Fuck me!
You've obviously all been brainwashed
by B grade...horror movies.
- Surely you don't believe all these
crude fables about pointed stakes
and lucky charms? do you?
You'll be telling me
I keep a pet bat...
Cooee!
As Minister for Tourism and President
of the B grade horror movie writer's guild
I have personally expelled
from this land
countless writers who have debased
our image in the west
with absurd vampire fear.
But beware...
Australia too has countless dissidents
and capitalists lapdogs
who are already producing comic strips
and films depicting Australia as a nation of
crude, insensitive, beer swilling boors,
coarse yokels and guzzling hicks!
- Pull ya head in ya mug!
- Pull ya head in!
- What about me Aunty Edna?
- Where is she, fangface?
- Yeah, where is she?
- Tell us ya bastard!
- Where is Mrs. Everage?
Tell us, Plasma.
- Call off these Colonial cretins, Sir Alec..
- Give up, Plasma.
- Us Aussies can lick you dirty Reds
any day of the week.
- We've got the bravest fighting
men in the world!
- I won't be wasting my next bullets
on...cans of that foul, foaming beverage.
- You'll never get away with it, Plasma.
- My oath he won't.
Fan-bloody-tastic, Prickface!
- Bloody beauty, mate!
- Hey that Foster's fixed him!
- Great mate! You really did it!
- Coo-ee
- Hey fellas, listen to this.
- Cooee.
Coo-ee!
Edna's down there!
Mrs. Everage. Come on!
Tell that slant-eyed bastard to
piss off, Foureyes, all right!
Listen mate, I'm flom Australyan Embassy.
Pliss off!
Coo-ee...
You slant-eyed prick!
- Tear him the bloody apart!
- Go on Bazza! Get him, get him!
- Look out!
- Aussie poofter!
Cop this!
Now I kill! Now I kill!
Cooee...
-Give him between the eyes, Bazza!
- Barry!
- You heathen Chinese!
- You'll get hurt, love!
Ah so, ta ,ta, ta!
poofter!
Hit him in the pearls, mate!
- Fight like a man!
Slant-eyed prick!
Aussie bastard.
What you are now witnessing is a real
and raging fortresses fighting
and defeating the corrupt forces
of the western world.
- Go plant ya shit!
- Follow me.
You rotten, mongrel,
Commo, poofter bastard!
Right, let's go!
Strewth! Turn that bloody thing
off immediately!
- Turn it off!
- Can't find the switch, Alec!
- Try that green one!
- No, that's not it.
She's sinkin' fast!
You all right, Aunty?
Barry!
I tell ya, we were knockin' off
them vampires like maggots off a chop!
Hey, it was great the way you
handled that Plasma, mate.
Yea verily, Barrington.
The foaming article hath its rightful uses.
Hey Barry, come and have a look at this!
Strewth! I hope they don't
sell that in Australia!
Geez Baz, you musta really put ya
Que on the rack for that Abo sheila!
I might have.
Hey Barry!
Here's something that should
interest you possums!
Take a gander at this.
Hey, it says that they're gonna
pay the fares back to Oz,
for expatriate artists
and intellectuals.
- Hey Baz, that's us!
- Too flamin' right it is!
- You want a trip back home, fellas?
- No, not for me.
I'm hooked on European culture.
I'm gonna stay here for
the Munich beer festival.
Fair enough mate. Can you
fix it for the rest of us, Alec?
No probs boys.
- Fix it up Foureyes.
- Right-o, Alec.
Hey listen wait a minute,
before you go.
I'd like to propose a toast.
Col the Frog Lucas.
- Oh look, Barry.
- I wonder if the Prime Minister himself
- will be down there to meet us?
- I hope so.
I don't reckon he'd miss out on a chance
to welcome all us intellectuals back home.
He's no mug you know, Aunty.
I reckon the PMs that smart
he could sell soap to the Pommies!
Did you know Barry that the Prime
Minister and I once slept together?
Ah, come off it Aunty.
I don't believe it!
Yes Barry, it was at the Sydney Opera House
during the second act of War and Peace.
Cherylene beloved, I hope that after
my exorcism of Erich Count Plasma
I might have won a few converts
among Barrington's heathen friends.
The church can always do
with a bit of new blood.
Aunty, look who's here!
- Barry, Australia's proud of you!
- Thank you very much!
- Arise Dame Edna.
- Dame Edna!
Oh my golly!
- There you go, Aunty!
- I feel like a queen!
♪ Barry McKenzie holds his own
♪ Who would you want for your
very best mate?
♪ Barry McKenzie
♪ Who makes you feel
Australia's great?
♪ Barry McKenzie
♪ Who makes the soul of freedom swerve
beneath his thrust and parry?
♪ When hope is losing
who stands firm?
♪ Barry McKenzie
Barry
♪ When there's trouble ahoy
he's a man with the most respect
♪ Ooo those vampires creak
and their knees grow weak
♪ He always stands erect
♪ When there's trouble ahoy
When other folks have gone
♪ In times of need our Barry
holds his own
♪ Other nations rise and fall
Rise and fall McKenzie
♪ He holds out all against them all
♪ Holds our all McKenzie
♪ The poor old poms can hardly stand
too much dead weight to carry
♪ But fate has taken itself in hand
With Barry McKenzie
♪ With Barry McKenzie
Barry ♪
♪ Barry, Barry McKenzie
Barry ♪
Subtitles © 2020 Elphinstone Dalrymple