Barry Dingle (2005) - full transcript
A conniving mother tries desperately to marry off her son Barry to a senator's daughter.
I'm not gonna sleep
with you.
Hey, I'm not gonna
sleep with you, either.
Well, then what's
with all the work?
I mean, what are you,
some kind of altruist
or something?
What's an altruist?
Someone who goes around
doing nice stuff just because,
like Jesus or Spider-Man.
Sometimes
I'm an altruist,
but I am definitely
not an altruist now.
[ sighs ] So what's...
What's the deal?
Well, the deal is that
I think you're pretty
fucking beautiful.
And I think
you're sweet,
and I think
you're kind of sad.
[ Barry Dingle reads
narrative card aloud ]
[ doorbell chimes ]
Al Shivers is running
for the Senate.
I assume that
your Barry Dingle
will begin his pursuit
of the young Ethel Shivers
in a romantic capacity.
Hmm.
Debora Childers,
that's why you
asked me to your home.
[ chuckles ]
Well, you know,
I don't tip my hand,
and I can barely tolerate
your presence in public.
Well, you can't
teach a pig manners,
even if she has
won a blue ribbon
at the town fair.
What do you want?
Watch your tone.
Or what?
Eleanor Dingle,
my son Daniel
will also be courting
Ethel Shivers.
Now, I've asked you here
today to warn you that,
should you try anything
funny with my boy,
I will make certain
that every member
of the board of the museum
receives an e-mail,
describing
each disgusting detail
of your conniving
and hideous behavior!
Well.
Does 2365 Christopher Street
mean anything to you?
[ laughs ]
Yes, Debora,
it's your husband's
transsexual weekend
fuck palace!
Now, if I were you,
I would be very selective
about the threats I make
and to whom I make them.
And I would
just keep praying to God
that I don't get into power,
because
when that day comes,
I will crush you
like a grape!
I'm not afraid.
Debora,
I'd be afraid.
I'd be very afraid.
BARRY:
[ reading narrative title ]
[ dog barking ]
ELEANOR: So what are
your plans tonight?
Go to a bar.
[ gasps ]
A bar?
Yes! What's wrong
with a bar, Mom?
Oh, what is wrong
with a bar?
You little hooligan!
I'll tell you what's
wrong with a damn bar!
It's full
of cheap floozies!
[ sighs ]
Don't you think of anything
other than your prick?
Mom, I...
Why don't you go
to the Guggenheim?
I'm on the board,
you know.
The Guggenheim
on a Friday night?
Why not the Guggenheim?
You could ask Ethel.
Oh, you could
take her to dinner
and then to the museum.
Mom, Ethel
has Down Syndrome!
She's a Mongoloid!
She has
a large forehead.
Bangs could help.
It's no big deal.
It's no big deal,
my ass!
She's got a head
like Rocky Dennis!
Don't say ass
to your mother!
Her father is running
for U.S. Senate.
Who cares?
I care!
You will do
this one favor for me.
Mom, Ethel wears
floral linen moo-moos
from Eileen Fisher!
As opposed to what?
Baggy jeans
that are falling off
the rear, a bra?
What about a tongue ring?
Okay!
Nothing like a tongue ring
to aid fellatio.
Mom!
I know what you want.
You want someone
to be taken care of.
And while you're
off at work,
they spend their days
shopping and hoarding
every last penny
in a filthy
offshore bank account.
They're just like
a little squirrelly
little squirrel,
just lining their nests
with your blood!
Mom, what are you
talking about?
I know what
I am talking about!
Not to my boy
will this happen.
They're sluts! Sluts!
Mom, your blood pressure!
[ dog barking outside ]
Oh, go on, huh?
Just go on! Go out!
Bring home
a tattooed Petri dish!
Make it two.
BARRY:
I am not...I'm not
going to sleep with you.
I heard you.
Well, then ask me
out on a date.
Okay,
let's go out on a date.
Okay.
Dinner tomorrow night.
Sure.
What's your number?
It's, um, 917...
Yeah?
555...
Uh-huh.
2626.
Okay.
What is...What is that?
Aw, shit!
What?
We gotta stop by my house
before I take you home.
No, we don't.
Yes, we do! I gotta
walk my puppy, Billie.
Billie? This is so...
This is so wrong.
We'll walk my dog.
It'll take 10 minutes.
Mmm, mm--Ooh.
Where--
Where's the dog?
My mom walked him.
He's sleeping upstairs.
You're never
gonna call me.
Oh, yes, I will.
You just--
You had no intention
of driving me home.
You saw me in the bar.
You knew I was
an easy target.
My eyes are too expressive.
They--They give me away.
No, they don't.
Oh, God, please--
Oh, my God,
you are so wet.
That's completely
unintentional.
Oh, I want to taste you.
Oh, please.
I just want to taste you.
No, you don't.
I want to taste you.
I want to taste you.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God, okay.
Stop! Stop!
No. Please don't,
please don't.
Don't.
It's just my hand.
No, no, no!
It's just my hand.
I don't want to...
No, I just...
Oh, God, please.
Barry, no, seriously, stop.
Stop.
I don't want to have sex.
I don't want to have sex.
Okay, okay, don't worry.
It's just my hand.
I don't--
No, no, seriously, stop.
I'm just trying
to make you feel good.
I don't--
I don't want to do this!
Jesus Christ,
I'm almost finished!
Get the fuck off me!
Fucking asshole!
What? You think
this is funny?
No.
No, actually I think
this is pretty fucking sad.
You are such
a fucking asshole.
You know what?
You know what?
Fuck you, really,
because you're the asshole.
Oh, so the real Barry
finally comes out.
Well, nice
to fucking meet you.
Oh, come on, come on.
Come on.
Like you had no idea?
No idea that I was gonna
try and sleep with you?
It was a big
fucking surprise?
You said
that you wouldn't!
I said
that I wouldn't!
But you did!
You are such
a son of a bitch,
you know that?
I was actually
looking forward
to going out with you,
you know?
I was obviously attracted
to you, you idiot,
and I would
have slept with you
like on the third date!
But instead
you choose to use
my feelings against me!
That's so...
That's so fucking evil.
What is wrong
with your insides?
Hey! Hey!
There's nothing wrong
with my insides, okay?
I'm a mammal.
This is what mammals do.
I tried to sleep with you!
It's instinctive!
Oh! Oh, it's
instinctive to pretend
to be using your fingers
and then to force
yourself inside me?
Yes, yes, and it's called
the finger-cock switch!
Oh, you are...
You are...
You are worse
than the animals,
you know that?
Because
you actually make
a conscious decision
to behave the way
that you do.
Hey, let me just say
something, young lady, okay?
It's not my fault
that people's needs
and their wants
are diametrically opposed
to what's good for themselves
and the ones around them.
[ door opens and closes ]
Where's my fucking lotion?
[ rooster crows ]
[ clock chiming ]
[ sighs ]
[ groaning ]
Who is it?
Police!
Police Department!
Open the door!
Who?
Police!
Seriously?
Police Department.
Open the door!
Look, buddy, open the door,
or I'm gonna break it down!
[ loud thud ]
LEVINOWSKY:
Finger-cock switch?
Finger-
fucking-cock switch?
ELEANOR: Lies.
That's a hell
of a tag line
to just come up with
off the cuff!
She's a crafty little bitch.
Okay, okay.
How am I supposed
to defend
the finger-cock switch
Casanova, huh?
She gets up there
on the stand and yells,
"Finger-cock switch!"
just how am I supposed
to retort, hmm?
Hey, hey! You leave him
out of this, Levinowsky.
You're our lawyer.
Are you telling me
that DWIs
are all you're capable
of defending?
When she asked him,
she asked him
why he overpowered her,
why he forced himself
on her.
You know what she said?
She said he said
it was instinctive.
I was angry.
I was frustrated.
Oh, I see, of course!
Your Honor, my client
date-raped the victim
because he was
angry and frustrated!
I didn't date-rape
anybody, okay?
We were
just fooling around!
82% of males convicted
of date rape
said they were
just fooling around!
ELEANOR: I told you,
she's a liar.
I bet the house a civil suit
is what she's really after.
Well, for somebody
who is lying,
her story is incredibly
detailed and complete.
Listen to me,
you goddamn Polack!
Who do you think
you're talking to?
I was being awarded 50%
in divorce court
while you were still
on the mock trial team
at Polack High!
Now, you do
your goddamn job.
You get him out of this,
so that we can
get on with our lives.
That's what I am
trying to do.
Well, be
a tad more delicate.
All right,
let's talk about...
the bruises
on her wrists.
Or do you
think she's lying
about that too?
You sick son of a bitch!
That's enough,
and you will cease
to torment my son!
I thought you were
an expert
at this date rape thing,
but, obviously,
you don't know
the first thing about it!
You want expertise?
85% of rapes
are date rapes!
90% of mano-a-mano rapes
occur in the presence
of alcohol!
84% of women
know their rapists!
[ sound of sirens ]
They should make
better friends.
1% of women
report their rape!
Good for them.
1% of male rapists
are prosecuted!
That's enough!
82% of women
never fully recover!
I am warning you!
23.3% of rapes are committed
using the threat of bodily harm!
Stop it!
You're
frightening him!
100% of gang-raping,
cock-sucking,
college-attending
sons of bitches
consume alcohol
before they rape!
Aah!
Okay.
[ stammering ]
Okay, I--
I need to apologize.
I got
a little carried away
there for a moment.
It's nothing personal.
Apology accepted.
Now get out.
My daughter...
My daughter
was recently sexually
assaulted at her school.
Oh, my God!
Get out now!
Fine...
but hello!
I am the only person
standing
between your son's
white virgin buttocks
and Solitary Sahib's
big black cock!
[ dramatic music ]
BARRY: Barry Dingle.
MAN: I know
you had this before.
[ Barry grunting
and crying ]
I swear to God,
if you bring po-po in here,
I'm-a slice your ass.
You understand
what I'm sayin'?
[ man grunting ]
BARRY: Yes! Yes!
I can do it!
I can do it!
I can do it!
I can do it! I can!
[ both grunting faster ]
I swear to God,
if you bring po-po in here,
I'm-a slice you!
[ grunting ]
[ sobbing ]
Aah!
[ gasping ]
[ sobbing ]
Shut up!
Now go clean my hut.
BARRY: [reading credits ]
Eleanor? Hi.
How's Barry?
[ cats yowling ]
How's your son coping
with prison life?
It is just too,
too terrible.
The poor, poor boy.
I really do hope that
he makes some friends
and settles down
to his new habitat.
I mean, after all,
3 1/2 years
is a terribly long time
to be by oneself
in any place,
let alone in a cage.
I mean, really,
can you imagine?
Of course,
this is just between
the two of us.
[ cats yowling ]
Oh, by the way, did you
hear that my son Daniel
is marrying
Ethel Shivers?
I'm sorry that
you won't be invited
to the wedding.
654 people is all
that we can afford
to have that one night,
on that fabulous night.
[ engine starts ]
BARRY: [ reading credits ]
So, where would you
like to go for dinner?
[ crying ]
[ sobbing ]
It's all right.
[ sobbing hysterically ]
[ muttering
incomprehensively ]
Oh, please, stop this.
Stop it!
Here! Here's a Kleenex.
Take--
Stop it!
Stop it right
this minute!
Stop it!
Put your clothes
back on!
[ sobbing ]
We're in public!
Would you stop it?
Put your seatbelt on.
Come on.
[ sobbing ]
Not--Stop it!
Just stop it this minute!
Do you need more Kleenex?
[ crying ] Yeah!
Here! Wipe your eyes!
Wipe your eyes and put
your clothes back on!
[ engine starts ]
I've missed you, son.
Oh, Mom,
I've been disgraced.
It's all right.
What goes on in prison
stays in prison.
No. No, I can't live
with this, Mom.
You can and you will.
Be strong.
Oh, I know something
that'll make you
feel better.
What?
Ethel Shivers
is single again.
Mom!
Oh, and even better?
Senator Albert Shivers
is a strong candidate
to represent his party
in the next election
for the Presidency
of the United States.
Mom, I don't care!
If you wed Ethel,
you would be
the President's son-in-law.
Do you have any idea
what the perks of
something like that are?
No.
Power, fame,
money instantly.
[ sighs ]
Well, what happened
to Ethel's husband?
ELEANOR: It was a year
and a half ago.
We were at dinner
with the newlyweds,
Daniel and Ethel,
and his mother,
Debora Childers,
and the senator,
Albert Shivers and his wife...
I don't know
where she was.
And they were just
all yakking it up,
and she was gloating
about her new daughter-in-law
and her family.
She keeps flashing me
these Jack Nicholson smiles.
Suddenly, her precious son
Daniel stands up,
says he's not feeling well.
I'm not feeling well.
He excuses himself...
Excuse me.
I look down at his chair,
there is a puddle of blood.
He glimpses it...
[ moaning ]
he hits the floor,
instant coma.
Everybody was horrified.
He never woke up.
Two weeks later,
he died in the hospital...
rectal cancer.
Oh, my God!
[ Barry vomiting ]
I know what you need!
Some old-fashioned
revenge.
Nothing heals
the soul better.
[ vomiting ]
Nobody disgraces
the Dingle name
and gets away with it!
[ lid closes, toilet flushes ]
Oh, Mom,
I'm so sick!
I know, honey,
and Mama's gonna make
you feel all better.
[ bells chiming
Here Come the Bride ]
BARRY:
BARRY:
Whoo! [ laughing ]
Oh, jeez.
[ sighs ]
Oh, you don't buy beer,
you rent it.
Yes, you do.
You with
the Shnable wedding?
No, no, the Huggins.
Oh.
Barry Dingle.
Hey, I'm Matt Huggins.
Hey, okay.
Oh, Huggins!
So that makes you,
what, the best man?
[ flush ]
No, I'm the groom.
So what are you saying?
You telling me
on my wedding night
that I'm doomed
to failure
because of an instinct
that I can't control?
No. What I'm saying to you
is you have to fight
through those moments
of weakness.
That's the only way
to beat the little monster
and to avoid the second
and third wedding.
Well, why didn't
that work for you?
You fuck up enough
and you learn
from your mistakes.
That kind of makes sense.
Yeah, I feel
a little better, I guess.
Good!
I'm glad I could help.
What are you,
some kind of therapist
or something?
[ sigh ]
I'm a partner
at a mergers and
acquisitions firm.
Wow, that's pretty good.
It's a shit fuckin' job!
I spent all day
looking for office space.
We're opening up
a branch in New York.
Get outta here!
No, seriously.
Well, I'm a commercial
real estate broker.
You're kidding!
DEBORA:
You look so handsome.
Thank you, Mother.
You look just
like your brother.
Okay.
You know, you don't
have to take Ethel out
if you don't want to.
Yes, I know, Mother,
I want to.
She's the greatest
sister-in-law in the world.
Ex. She's
an ex-sister-in-law.
Yes, I meant
ex-sister-in-law.
You know,
your brother's looking
down on us from heaven.
He's rooting
for you and Ethel.
Yes, I know that.
Oh, God,
I miss my son.
I--I...Okay.
All right,
I miss him, too.
Mother,
you're wrinkling.
You're wrinkling,
okay?
Oh.
No touching.
We said that, no touching.
Sorry.
Dillon! Howdy!
Hello, Senator.
Now, Dillon,
remember I told you,
call me Albert.
We're family.
Yes, yes--Albert.
Yes. Okay.
Ow.
Hugging?
Uh-uh, no hugging.
Um, you're crushing
the flowers, Albert.
Um, okay.
We're still hugging?
Um, okay, okay.
Come on in, son.
Man.
Yes.
BARRY:
Oh, my God! Aah!
What's wrong, honey?
Just--ugh!
[ door slams ]
Ohh.
[ shower running ]
Oh, shit.
BARRY:
Thank you
for a lovely evening.
Dillon, it was
a very nice meal.
I had a wonderful time.
Thank you
very much. It was...
Was it?
It was great.
Thank you very much.
Yes. How
is Debora doing?
I haven't seen her
since the funeral.
DILLON:
Well, Mother's okay.
She's playing bridge again.
Oh, well,
that's good news.
That's good to hear.
Yes, yes.
Okay, well,
have a good night.
Oh, no, no.
Let me drive you home.
No!
Oh, no, no.
There's a cab
on every corner here.
Car's right here
and I got this great spot.
I actually don't
mind walking.
The night air
is rather refreshing.
I'll just drop you off.
Okay, oh, okay.
Yes.
Thank you.
Can't let you roam
the streets alone
in the middle
of the night.
What is...
[ stammering ]
What is...
What is this?
What--What is this?
It's a dildo...
mounted on the butt
of a rifle.
Okay? Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
What?
It's for you.
Have a good night.
Say hi to your mom for me.
No, no, no.
Tell her I said hi.
No, no, no, Ethel,
this--this--
Oh, Debbie, that's
handsome son number two.
It matches.
Matches both of us.
[ laughs ]
That's--That's interesting.
BARRY:
[ shower running ]
I need a shower
really badly.
I love you.
BARRY:
MATT: So there are
conference rooms...
[ elevator bell dings ]
and, uh, there's
22 individual offices.
Now, this space
on the floor,
depending on
how you arrange it,
you can have a support staff
of up to about 50 people.
So, um, that's about it.
What do you think?
I think we should
walk around some more.
I think better that way.
How was your honeymoon?
It was good.
What'd you do?
You know, we, uh...
We did some snorkeling,
we laid out
on the beach,
did some parasailing--
all the things
that vacationing couples
do on vacation, you know.
Nice.
How about you?
I, uh...
I had a threesome
last night.
[ laughs ] What?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
How'd you manage that?
This not what you need
to hear right now.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean,
you just got married.
You're
a little shell-shocked.
Let's talk about
the office space.
Aw, you know,
I can handle it.
You sure?
Yeah, of course.
So I'm
at this titty bar...
and it's late
and I've had a...
a few beers,
and I am watching
this girl on stage,
this little blonde
named Dakota.
Oh, man. And she is...
She's shaking this...
and she's bending that.
And by the time
she's done,
I have memorized
every mole,
every beauty mark,
every tattoo
on her whole entire body.
After her song,
she kneels down...
and she, uh,
offers me a lap dance.
Would you like a lap dance?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And, man,
this whole time,
we're vibin'.
Mmm...
We're gigglin'.
Mmm.
All of a sudden, man,
she drops the bomb on me.
I get off in 45 minutes.
You want to come to my place
and have a drink?
Yes, I would.
Mmm.
Sure as shit, man,
hour later,
we are at her place
having a drink.
So we walk
into her apartment...
and on the couch,
there's another girl,
extremely lubed,
extremely friendly,
just home
from the bars.
But there is something
very, very, very peculiar
about this girl.
What?
Well, you see, she looks
just like the stripper.
Her sister?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
her sister Nadine.
No way.
So all of a sudden,
they get up...
and they start to take
their clothes off.
And then they sit
on my lap...
and they start to kiss me
all over and lick me,
and they start
to work on my clothes,
and one of them goes
for my belt.
And they get on their knees,
and they start to...
They start
to work my knob
like they haven't tasted...
cock in three years.
I fucked
these two beautiful girls
so uncontrollably
and with such passion
that when I came
for the third time,
I swear to God I thought
my balls were gonna explode.
Wow.
Yeah.
[ Dakota breathing ]
[ exhales ]
[ exhales ]
[ sound of breathing
continues ]
BARRY:
[ sighs ]
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,
kick in already.
[ sitar music ]
Derek,
I am not an idiot.
I know what your mother
is up to.
I know what your mother
is up to.
My father is running
for President.
I said it. It's true.
Did you know that?
Did you know that?
So I'm at dinner...
Oh, God!
Yes? Yes or no?
Yes. You are
admitting it to me.
And I'm having dinner
with you because,
for fuck's sake,
you're my dead
husband's brother,
and all you can think
about is riding me
like some prized pony
into the White House.
Don't--
Well?
Well, what?
What the fuck do you have
to say for yourself?
What do you have
to say for yourself?
God, my teeth
are so itchy.
What?
They're so itchy!
What is wrong with you?!
Ah!
Honestly! Do you know
that right now,
your brother is probably
getting machine-gunned
up the ass by--
Mother touches us.
That is not for me.
She touches us.
That has nothing--
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
It's lovely.
Just put that down.
[ panting ]
Okay, that's it,
that's it.
This is an official--
official protest!
This is wrong and you
are gonna knock it off
and you're
gonna go home
and you are gonna
tell Debora
that I
am not a trophy,
and that she needs
to cut it the fuck out!
Are you
listening to me?
[ whispering ]
I just realized something.
Um, what?
I'm an albatross.
I'm an albatross.
[ tableware clanking ]
Wha--Oh, my God!
I'm an albatross!
Albatross!
[ squawking ]
Check, please?
Ohh.
Well, Deb,
that's all three.
You're out of ammo.
[ squawking ]
[ squawking ]
[ squawking ]
[ spits out fish ]
I'll have
a Chardonnay, please?
Debora Childers, please?
[ sighs ]
Debora, you keep your boys
away from my daughter,
or I'll hunt them down
like runaway slaves!
Slaves, Dad?
Slaves.
Yeah, I'm sure Yvonne,
your secretary,
would really
appreciate that.
We're not talking
about Yvonne right now.
Come here, baby,
come on.
Dad--
Give Daddy a hug.
I don't--
Come on.
Give Daddy a hug.
That's my girl, yeah.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you, too.
BARRY:
[ pages turning ]
I'm gonna take it.
What?
I would like to lease
this space for my law firm.
Great. You'll take it
just like that?
Just like that,
on one condition.
What--What's that?
That you come tonight
to celebrate your big sale
at my house
with some of my friends.
Wonderful. And can
I bring my wife with me?
No. No wives allowed.
It's ringing,
it's ringing.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, may I please speak
to Joanna Wojohowsky?
Joan--
This is she.
[ stilted ] Yeah, "my name is
Ron Burgenstein. I am..."
"Burgerstein,"
oh, my God!
Burgerstein...
What fucking difference
does it fucking make,
you fucking prick?
"I am one of
your husband's associates.
Your husband has closed
a very large deal."
What--
What kind of deal?
She wants to know
what kind of deal.
He sold a 10-year lease
to an international
law firm.
It's on the paper.
Just say it.
Don't take your time.
Go, go!
Don't look at me. Go!
You're a sick fuck.
He sold a 10-year-old
to an international law firm.
Excuse me?
Are you nuts?
Are you nuts?
He's a broker,
a real estate broker!
10-year lease
to an international
law firm!
That's different.
You should have said.
Sold a 10-year lease
to an international law firm.
Uh-huh?
"The company's throwing him
a surprise party
"to celebrate
his achievement.
"Would you join us
this evening?
It's at 9 P.M. at..."
Okay, yeah.
Be seeing you
there tonight.
What are you gonna be wearing?
I'm gonna be...
BARRY:
What do you think?
It's nice.
It's beautiful out here.
It's all for you.
For me?
For you.
Really?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like for all of you
to raise your glasses.
I would like to, uh...
I would
like make a toast
to our new
real estate broker,
Matt Huggins.
Matt, on behalf of Dingle,
Lyveshitz & Hyman,
on behalf
of all of our partners,
associates, and support staff,
and I hope that this
is the beginning
of a fruitful
and mutually beneficial
business relationship.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Cheers!
Cheers.
Congratulations.
"Dear Matt,
I'm so proud of you.
"Congratulations.
"I think we sh--
"I really think--
"really think we should
try to work this out.
"I hate fighting
with you.
"I love you so much.
You're my midnight--
night fireman."
[ dance music playing ]
So, um...
I was
like 8 years old,
and I was at the library,
and I had to take
this monster crap,
and, uh...
and nothing would come out,
not even a deer pebble.
[ dance music fades
to poignant piano music ]
And, uh,
so I just decide
I'm gonna walk back
to my house,
and, of course,
I get like halfway
from the library
to my house,
and it hits me.
I started panicking.
I, like, curled up in a ball
just trying to force back
down this storm of poop
that was gonna come out.
The only thing I could
do was try and get
back to my house.
So...so I take one step,
and that was it.
Oh!
My butt muscles deflate,
and they weren't listening
to my brain anymore.
And, uh, the panic
was replaced
by this very short-lived,
but wonderful feeling
of relief
after I shit
all over myself.
Ohh!
Oh, man.
You know, it's funny.
I realized that I never told
that story to anybody before.
Why are you telling me?
'Cause you're
a good friend.
[ dance music resumes ]
What are you guys
doing just sitting here?
Don't you know
there's a party going on?
Come on,
come dance with me.
All right.
It's time.
Get in there.
Mom, I don't think
I can do this!
What are you--
Will you stop it!
Don't you tell me
to stop it!
This is my plan.
This is my house.
And for better or worse,
you're the rotten fruit
of my loins!
So get
your used ass in there
and pull that trigger!
Mom, Matt
didn't do anything,
and he's my friend.
He's your what?
I mean,
he's my friend.
He's your
real estate broker,
for God's sake!
Look,
he's just putting on
this "I'm your
best friend" routine
to close the deal.
Oh, wake up, Barry.
Now, be a man
and finish this.
Hey, do me a favor.
Go upstairs
in the master bedroom.
There's a bottle of
Scotch under the bed.
Bring it down
to the kitchen,
and we'll do
a couple of shots.
Thanks.
Yeah.
MAN: But just think
about how romantic that is,
just their first
date alone, right?
They're ice skating.
They're ice skating,
it's closed,
just the two
of them on ice.
Like it's symbolic
that they're on thin ice.
You know, they're
kind of finding something,
discovering something.
Hi. Sorry. Have
you seen Matt Huggins?
Yeah, I think
he's in the back yard.
But it's cute
'cause, you know,
she can't skate,
she's falling,
he's holding her up.
It's a whole metaphor.
Oh. Jeez, I'm sorry.
Close the door.
Okay, sorry.
No.
Where are you going?
Close the door
from the inside.
All right.
Come in, sit down.
[ ominous music ]
Has anybody seen Matt?
Oh.
Have you--
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Have
you guys seen Matt?
Have you seen Matt?
You haven't?
Matt!
Matt. Have you guys
seen Matt Huggins?
Matt? No?
Jo? No.
Oh, fuck!
MATT: Jo! Jo!
Jo?
Jo.
You're fucking dead
Dingle!
[ slap ]
[ guests gasp ]
Wow, is that
all you got, Huggins?
You fucking animals.
[ laughs ]
Well, I thought so.
BARRY:
BARRY: Ha ha!
You feeling better?
Yeah. [laughs ]
Hey.
You will always be
my little Dingle, Barry.
You know that.
I would tear
their lungs out for you.
I know, Mom.
On Wednesday,
we are having dinner
with Clarice, Albert,
and Ethel Shivers.
Mom, I don't want--
Hey, we made a deal!
Now, just make sure
that you have
that Peace Corps story
straight for the senator
and his family.
Barry!
I know, I know.
Guatemala, Tekchi,
I got it, Mom.
Good.
Oh, isn't that
the Childers boy?
Almost there.
Just sit down.
Go slow, okay?
Easy, easy.
Easy.
Something happened
to his neck.
Mommy had Anna
make you some nice soup.
Is it chicken Noodle?
Chicken Noodle,
of course.
Okay.
I cup up the chicken
for you, okay?
[ sighs ]
Well, time to go home.
No, Mother,
it's still gonna be hot.
No, it's not.
It's still hot.
It's not hot.
I don't want it.
It's not hot.
It's hot. You know what?
You're hurting me.
It's not.
It's not hot.
You're hurting me, Mother.
Take it down.
Please take it down,
Mother?
Debora. Oh, did you
hurt your neck?
Uh, yes, it got hurt.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Bye, Deb.
[ mouths word ]
Hey, Barry.
[ mouthing question ]
Uh, it got hurt.
Okay...
Mother, you're--
you're...stop.
Sorry. Are you okay?
Why?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Here.
I don't want it.
It's hot.
It's good for you.
How many times
do I have to--
It's good--
I don't want it!
BARRY:
[ dishes clanking ]
[ ominous music ]
SENATOR SHIVERS:
Barry?
Barry?
Yes, sir?
I say, where
were you stationed?
I was, um...
I was stationed
in Guatemala, sir.
Guatemala?
BARRY: Yes, sir.
I been to Guatemala.
Really? What were
you doing in Guatemala?
Bird-watching.
The senator loves
tropical parrots.
What kind of parrots?
Jenday Conures,
Majestic Macaws,
Black-headed Caiques.
I have an extensive
photo collection.
Oh, we certainly do.
Where in Guatemala?
Um, well, I was
stationed on, uh...
the Rio Dulce River,
which is...
It's on the east side
of Guatemala.
It was a fishing village.
Oh, it isn't
that delightful, Ethel?
Rio means river.
What's that, sugar?
He said
Rio Dulce River.
In Spanish,
rio is river.
Oh! [ laughs ]
Tell me, son, you didn't
spend three years in Guatemala
and not know
that rio means river?
No, sir,
I do know that.
You see, unfortunately,
my Spanish is very,
very rusty,
because in my village
we mostly spoke Kekchi.
It's derived
from the native tongue
of the Mayan Indians.
Chekti?
Mm-mmm. Kekchi.
Tek-Tek--Tekchi.
Kek--
Kekchi?
Kekchi.
Tek...chi.
BARRY: Chi.
Tekchi.
[ laughs ]
Well, why don't we have
a little taste of that Tekchi?
Give us
a little taste of it.
Oh, yes.
Okay. Um...
Takwah ch'up.
Takwah ch'up.
Takwah ch'up.
Takwah ch'up.
Takwah ch'up.
What's that mean?
Can I have a pineapple?
Oh, well, that'll
come in handy
if I ever want
a pineapple
in Guatemala.
Takwah ch'up!
Hey, Mable,
Takwah ch'up!
Wouldn't that be great if
she brought us a pineapple?
[ laughter ]
[ doorbell chimes ]
SENATOR SHIVERS:
I'll get it.
Nuts!
Uh, Barry taught
the village children English.
Oh, oh, isn't that sweet?
Were they
just tiny and delightful?
They weren't
really tiny.
They were between
the ages of 12 and 18,
and they
were mostly girls.
But that is because
the men and the boys
would go
fishing and hunting
most of the day,
and that left me
to watch the girls.
[Eleanor
chuckles uneasily ]
But Barry also built latrines
and taught hygiene.
And he was an integral part
of the development
of an irrigation system,
which helped grow rice.
And he was the sole founder
of the textile training center
and was responsible
for the export-import
establishment
with the United States.
Oh, well, that
is impressive.
I built a few sewing,
embroidery,
and block printing
machines.
And all these things
ran on this tiny,
little gas generator.
It was no big deal,
but I tell you something.
Those Kekchi girls
were really, really,
really great students.
BARRY:
I had no idea
what he did to you.
I had no idea
who he was.
Please forgive me.
I won't live without you.
[ fire crackling ]
What are your intentions
with my daughter, son?
[ clock chiming ]
Uh, well, I wanted
to take her on a proper date.
Ask me.
Uh, Senator Shivers,
may I please take Ethel
out to dinner, sir?
Son, I can smell bullshit
like a bloodhound
smells a bitch in heat.
And you two Dingles wreak
of Guatemalan bullshit.
However, Ethel's
heart's been broken
ever since the Good Lord
took Daniel away
from her so suddenly.
And I firmly believe
that the best cure
for a broken heart
is new love,
wherever it comes from.
My wife admires
your mother.
She likes
her social graces
and mixing abilities.
Clarice always did
give people the benefit
of the doubt.
I, on the other hand,
shoot first and
ask questions later.
Anyhow, I'm gonna allow
you to date my daughter,
but--and this is "but"
with a big old "b"--
if your intentions
are less than honorable,
if you slip a curse word
into dinner conversation,
if you in any way
besmirch the Shivers name
with a speck
of Dingle dirt,
I'll make certain
that you and your mother
never set foot
in the eastern, southern
or western parts
of the continental
United States again.
Are we clear?
Yes, sir.
Isn't that
a pretty fire?
[ door opening ]
BARRY:
Thank you, Senator.
SENATOR SHIVERS:
You're welcome.
I'm glad you came.
Thank you for dinner.
Dinner was lovely.
Thank you.
I liked it myself.
Oops!
Remember what I said.
[ imitates gunshot ]
BARRY: [ laughs ]
Yeah, I will. I remember.
I was just kidding.
You were.
Good night.
Night.
Good night.
Good try, Deb.
DEBORA: Excuse me?
Does Joanna Wojohowsky
live here?
Yeah. Who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Debora Childers.
Your wife and I
have something in common.
We've both been violated
by the Dingles.
Yeah.
Can you come in?
Excuse me.
[ door slams ]
You know how important
this is to me, right?
Yes.
I take care of you,
you take care of your mother
right back, yes?
Yes.
What time is it?
6:30.
Well, I won't be back
from the Bridge game
before 10:00.
But when I do get home,
I don't want to find you here.
Mom, what am I
supposed to do with
Ethel for four hours?
I am not going to be
around to wipe your ass
after every shit.
Figure it out yourself.
Mom?
[ frustrated grunt ]
[ engine starts ]
[ engine starts ]
[ tires squeal ]
Oh, my God, look!
They've got redfish
on the menu!
I haven't seen redfish
in 15 years!
And here it is,
the whole story.
15 years ago,
there was a chef named
Paul Prudhomme,
who created this recipe
called the blackened redfish,
and it spread through
the country like wildfire.
And before you know it,
they got fished out,
and it was illegal to
commercially fish redfish.
that imports these fish here
and, bang, it's on the menu.
Let's try the redfish.
Listen up, Dingle.
I'm not buying any
of your Kekchi bullshit.
I know for a fact
you've never seen Guatemala
on the Discovery Channel,
let alone spent three years
in a fishing village there.
Peace Corps, my ass!
And you and your mother
are up to something.
I don't know
what yet...yet.
Truce, please?
Why are we even at dinner?
I saw the way you
were looking at me
the other night.
How was I looking at you?
I found you attractive.
I was looking at you.
Shoot me.
You were staring
at my large forehead!
I happen to think
that you have
a very aristocratic
and regal forehead,
and I think it's lovely.
Oh! Oh, good, good.
So when the kids
used to call me
pumpkinhead,
I guess what
they meant to say was,
"She's an aristocrat."
You know, Ethel,
if you just gave me a chance,
maybe if you gave me
the benefit of the doubt
like your mother,
maybe you would realize
that I'm a pretty good guy
and that my aim
is true with you.
My mother is a wet mop,
and the second part
of that sentence
is from a song
called "Alison" written
by Elvis Costello.
What?
♪ My aim is true ♪
I didn't know that.
Oh, bullshit.
You are such a liar.
Listen, I know
that you know that
my husband is dead,
but what you don't know
is that I have never once
lost self-respect,
not once.
So don't try your
bullshit pickup routine
with me, Dingle!
What bullshit
pickup routine have I...
Wait, wait, wait.
Did you--
Did you
just curse at me?
No, I repeated
what you said,
"bullshit routine..."
Did you just curse
at me again?
Did you not hear
what my father
said to you?
Ethel, why are you
doing this to me?
Why am I doing...
Wait, Barry.
Are you scared
of my daddy?
No! No, I am not scared
of your dad.
Why are you acting
this way?
I don't like you, Dingle.
I don't like
the Dingle stench that
I feel coming off you,
and stop saying my name.
It sounds dirty coming
out of your mouth.
Can we at least order
the redfish just
for an appetizer?
Oh, you are an imbecile!
[ sighs ]
All right, listen,
I've got somewhere
else to go.
I am not gonna
tell my father
that you cursed at me
at the dinner table.
And you will tell
your mother that you had
a lovely dinner
with Ethel Shivers.
Hi, sweetie.
You look gorgeous.
Thanks.
Hey, man.
[ rifling objects ]
Nuts!
Yes!
Pick up,
pick up, pick up.
[ cell phone vibrating ]
Hello?
Barry Dingle
is on the premises.
Shit.
Hello!
Pick up, pick up.
[ cell phone vibrating ]
Mom?
Hello, Mom?
[ stomach gurgling ]
[ groans ]
Ohh!
[ groaning ]
[ door closes ]
[ Barry defecating
and groaning ]
[ groaning and defecating ]
Who's out there?!
[ fart ]
[ farting and defecating ]
Ohh!
Tsk.
Mom! Mom, is that you?!
[ breathing quickly ]
Debora!
Ooh!
Go!
What are you doing home?
My God.
[ scoffs ]
I told the prosecutor
about this book,
but I had no idea
how bad it was.
There's gotta be
200 women in here
with check marks
by their names.
I mean, this guy's a...
He's a serial rapist.
Do you have any idea
how many women
this fucker has soiled?
This is like a log.
This is--This is like
a trophy book of all the people
that he's
fucking scarred for life!
That cock-sucking
motherfucker!
Joanna, just calm down.
Let's call
the police, okay?
You believe
I'm the first person
who brought charges
against this guy?
I mean, his lawyer
made it perfectly clear
that he'd never
been arrested before
this "alleged" incident.
You know, and he was
an upstanding citizen
of the community.
You alone sent him away
for three years.
Now, there are lots
of victims in this book.
What are you doing?
I'm calling the police.
Give me the phone.
Why?
Just give me the phone.
So, we're sitting
at the bar.
My girlfriend
goes to the bathroom.
Out of nowhere,
he sashays over
like a plaid-pantsed
line dancer.
For the life of me,
I don't remember
what he opened with.
He goes in for the kill
with a line about
walking his puppy.
Hey, let's go back
to my house.
We'll walk my puppy,
Billie,
and then
I'll take you home.
I'm dumb,
but not that dumb.
So he pulls
the dog routine,
and then
I say something like,
look, I'm not going home
with you no matter
what you say.
And he believed me.
Hey, hey, hey!
I believe you.
Because he
never mentioned it again.
Not another word
about it.
So how did he get you
to go home with him?
All of a sudden, my head
gets a little cloudy,
like I start
to lose track of his words,
and then entire sentences,
until I don't know what
the hell he's talking about.
So I decide to leave,
but I can't get
off the chair.
Luckily for me, he offers
to walk me to my car.
I will walk you
to your car.
I remember that walk over
and the feeling
of this overwhelming sensation
of warmth enveloping
my entire body.
That was my last memory
of that night.
Warmth, like a muggy
August afternoon,
only it was mid-October.
He put a roofie
in your drink.
A roofie?
Rohypnol.
It's a medical sedative
that sexual predators use
to sedate their prey.
It's also called
the date rape drug.
Oh, my goodness!
Yep. I woke up
the next morning
confused and pregnant.
Oh, I knew it was his,
because I was single
at the time.
Plus, I was a virgin,
there was that.
Oh, no.
No.
I quietly had an abortion
and cried myself to sleep
for a good three years.
It's fucking awful.
You poor, sweet thing.
So, how far
are you willing to go?
Pretty far.
[ rifling drawer ]
Mom, have you seen
my little black book?!
Barry, get down here!
What?!
I said get down here!
I want to talk to you!
[ frustrated growl ]
Mom, I'm--I'm--
What?
Sit down.
Why?
I said sit down!
Son, I love you.
You know that.
Mom, what are you,
drunk?
Shut up and listen.
Son, I love you.
I have spent
my entire life
trying to mold you
into a successful
and self-sufficient man.
I have failed tragically.
Unfortunately,
you were born
without any of my desire
for success, status,
or self-respect.
Anyway,
you're 35 years old,
and I have decided
it's time to relieve you
of any and all
of my expectations,
demands, or sacrifices.
Why?
I have spent
my entire life
dreaming of sipping tea
from Eleanor Roosevelt's
china.
And by the grace of God,
that opportunity
has arrived.
So for finding your hand
in Cousin Martha's
underdoos
at my birthday party,
thank you very much.
For setting fire
to Walter Beeman's
curly red Afro at camp,
for being the only child
at any social function
without a drop
of fucking rhythm,
for having sex
with a cot
on our trip to France,
for making soup
with your mother's tampons
and serving it
to your eighth grade...
Mom!
For all of those times,
you will do
one last sacrifice.
You will court
and wed Ethel Shivers.
Mom, Ethel Shivers
is a lesbian!
I don't care!
If you can woo
every jaded trollop
and bring them back
and fuck them
in my living room
on a nightly basis,
you can certainly win
the affection
of one naive
and homely senator's
daughter.
Besides, I really don't
think she's a lesbo.
I think that
her heterosexuality
has just been knocked
out of her.
So nurse her back
to our team.
If you can't and won't
make this one last
sacrifice for me,
all of your belongings,
just like your father's,
will be
out on the street.
Now, I have to go
to a board meeting
at the Guggenheim
with Ethel's mother,
after which I am bringing
the Shivers back here
for tea and dessert.
So I suggest
you stay here
and wait to charm
the fuck out of Ethel,
her mother,
and the President-to-be.
Have I made myself clear?
Yeah.
Good.
BARRY:
[ music playing in bar ]
[ harp flourish ]
Barbara Lementovich?
Roofie
in the Bay Breeze.
Uh, Scotch
on the rocks, please?
[ coughs ]
Barry Dingle.
That's me.
I thought it was.
Don't you recognize me?
Nope.
I can't believe
you don't remember me.
We met here at this bar.
I'm sorry,
I--I don't remember.
I have very fond memories
of you, Dingle.
You changed my life
the night we met.
You seem preoccupied.
Tell you what,
if you're interested
in having a drink
with me and my girlfriend,
we'll be waiting for you
at that next table.
You don't buy that stuff.
You rent it.
Okay, okay.
I get it.
Okay, I get it.
I'm gonna
kill you, Barry.
I knew it.
I knew I was in trouble
when I saw your wife
out there,
but I figured
I'd slip in here,
get my coat on,
and get out
before having to drink
that fucking drink
with the roofie.
What are you
talking about, bro?
I haven't seen my wife
since the night of your party
that you threw for me.
Matt, she's parked
outside in a car.
All right, sure.
Whatever--Whatever, buddy.
Oh, and I suppose
you have no idea
that Barbara Lementovich
is sitting right there
smiling at us.
This is not gonna
work for you, bro!
It's not gonna work.
What is wrong
with you, man?
You look like
a fucking derelict!
Are you insane?
Are you all right?
Oh, are you
worried about me?
Yes!
You're worried about me?
Okay, no, I'm great.
I'm just awesome.
You know, in fact,
I haven't eaten
for about a week,
I haven't slept
for a couple of weeks,
my wife won't talk
to me anymore,
and I just got fired.
I lost my job
because of the paperwork
that I submitted
on your firm.
But, otherwise,
oh, I'm great!
Any other worries
you have?
Any other concerns?
I did this to you?
You sure did, buddy!
And now
I'm gonna kill you!
[ gun cocks ]
Hey.
I don't want to worry
any of these nice people,
so we're gonna go
to the bathroom.
Hey, hey, hey!
Get up, get up!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Matt.
I'm sorry.
Sure you are, buddy!
sure you are!
Hey, hey, hey!
Do you remember
you told me that story
about the library
and then you said
to me--you said,
'cause I was
a really good friend.
You remember that?
I fucked up!
I fucked up!
I don't know
why I did that.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I assume it has
something to do
with your mother,
but to be honest with you,
I don't really give a fuck!
Hey, hey, I know
how to fix this thing.
I know how to fix this.
It's too late for you!
[ crying ] I'm not
talking about me.
I'm not talking
about me.
[ thud ]
I didn't lose every fight
in prison, buddy.
How did
I change your life?
Where's your friend?
He's, uh...
He's in the bathroom.
He had really bad
Mexican food.
How did
I change your life?
I thought you didn't
remember me.
I thought you couldn't
care less.
You've...You've
peaked my interest.
How did
I change your life?
Where's your drink?
Have a seat.
Toast.
Mmm.
Here's to...
Eleanor
Rosemary Dingle,
may she rest
in peace. Cheers.
Okay, now how did
I change your life?
Eleanor Dingle?
Never mind who this is.
I thought you might
like to know
what your scheming son
is up to.
[ slurring ]
I remember...
I remember your name...
Mmm...
as Barbara Lementovich.
I...I put a--
[ laughs ]
I put a roofie
in your drink,
and then
I fucked you.
I'm sorry.
No, you raped me,
you fuck!
And now you're
gonna take a walk.
Hey, hey!
Hey.
Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up.
[ gun clicking ]
Where's the bullets?
You don't think I have
more bullets in the car?
We're gonna fly.
But I don't understand
why you can't...
What are
you doing here?
Are you--
What?
Are you
following me?
No, I came to get him.
Why?
I don't know.
What is that
in your hand?
Matt, were you
gonna kill him?
Honey, I love you so much.
[ footsteps ]
What are you
doing here?
What have you done to him?
Hey!
ELEANOR:
What's your problem?
Don't you...get away!
Bitch!
I got it!
I got it!
Ooh! Oh! Oh!
[ doorbell chimes ]
[ knock on door ]
[ doorbell chimes ]
[ knock on door ]
[ pounding on door ]
[ door opens ]
CLARICE: Eleanor?
Eleanor? Uh, Barry?
Is anybody home?
Mmm, nice bubblies.
Eww!
Oh, my!
Oh!
Oh, well...
Oh!
Panty trail!
[ laughing ]
Ethel!
Where you going?
Ethel!
Do you think we should...
Stop right there!
Let Daddy go.
Well, wait for me!
[ gasps ] Oh!
[ bell tolling ]
Jesus Christ on a crutch!
Ohh!
Holy shit!
[ Requiem-like organ music ]
I fucking knew it!
[ Clarice gasps ]
Oh, honey, now, don't--
You Dingles are done.
Oh, shit!
Come on, honey.
Come on.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Don't look.
ELEANOR: Shit! Wake up!
Wake up!
Get up!
Ohh!
What is going on?
Good God Almighty!
[ crying ]
Shit!
[ sighs ]
Just...
[ starts engine ]
[ rock music ]
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ You and me ♪
♪ You know that we were
always funny ♪
♪ In a car crash
sort of way ♪
♪ Watch me bruise
and bleed for you ♪
♪ I always knew that
I'd end up dead today ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ So I'm going
to tear down the sky ♪
♪ And all
the dull stars tonight ♪
♪ So I can stay hidden
and live in the black ♪
♪ I hate being famous
for my hits ♪
♪ And never for my misses ♪
♪ Bloody kisses
from poison lips ♪
♪ Leave lovers dead in ditches ♪
♪ So pass another round
around for the kids ♪
♪ Who have nothing
left to lose ♪
♪ And for those souls
old and sold out ♪
♪ By the soles of my shoes ♪
♪ By the soles of my shoes ♪
♪ Drag my corpse
through the cities ♪
♪ I never got to visit ♪
BARRY: [ reading credits ]
♪ Promise,
don't let me miss it ♪
♪ Drag my corpse
through the cities ♪
♪ I never got to visit ♪
♪ Promise,
don't let me miss it ♪
♪ Promise me ♪
♪ You and me,
you know that we ♪
♪ Were always funny
in a car crash sort of way ♪
♪ Watch me bruise
and bleed for you ♪
♪ I always knew
that I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
BARRY: [ continuing
to read credits ]
♪ Baby, the blood's
already been spilt ♪
♪ And no amount
of crying will wash ♪
♪ The red
from your guilty hands ♪
♪ Baby, the blood's
already been spilt ♪
♪ And no amount
of crying will wash ♪
♪ The red
from your guilty hands ♪
♪ Baby, the blood's
already been spilt ♪
♪ And no amount
of crying will wash ♪
♪ The red
from your guilty hands ♪
♪ I'm gonna die ♪
♪ But what if I ♪
♪ Promised to hold ♪
♪ On long enough ♪
♪ To suffer? ♪
♪ But what if I ♪
♪ Promised to hold ♪
♪ On long enough ♪
♪ To suffer? ♪
♪ But what if I ♪
♪ Promised to hold ♪
♪ On long enough ♪
♪ To suffer? ♪
♪ But what if I ♪
♪ Promised to hold ♪
♪ On long enough ♪
♪ To suffer? ♪
[ song ends ]
BARRY: [ continuing
to read credits ]
with you.
Hey, I'm not gonna
sleep with you, either.
Well, then what's
with all the work?
I mean, what are you,
some kind of altruist
or something?
What's an altruist?
Someone who goes around
doing nice stuff just because,
like Jesus or Spider-Man.
Sometimes
I'm an altruist,
but I am definitely
not an altruist now.
[ sighs ] So what's...
What's the deal?
Well, the deal is that
I think you're pretty
fucking beautiful.
And I think
you're sweet,
and I think
you're kind of sad.
[ Barry Dingle reads
narrative card aloud ]
[ doorbell chimes ]
Al Shivers is running
for the Senate.
I assume that
your Barry Dingle
will begin his pursuit
of the young Ethel Shivers
in a romantic capacity.
Hmm.
Debora Childers,
that's why you
asked me to your home.
[ chuckles ]
Well, you know,
I don't tip my hand,
and I can barely tolerate
your presence in public.
Well, you can't
teach a pig manners,
even if she has
won a blue ribbon
at the town fair.
What do you want?
Watch your tone.
Or what?
Eleanor Dingle,
my son Daniel
will also be courting
Ethel Shivers.
Now, I've asked you here
today to warn you that,
should you try anything
funny with my boy,
I will make certain
that every member
of the board of the museum
receives an e-mail,
describing
each disgusting detail
of your conniving
and hideous behavior!
Well.
Does 2365 Christopher Street
mean anything to you?
[ laughs ]
Yes, Debora,
it's your husband's
transsexual weekend
fuck palace!
Now, if I were you,
I would be very selective
about the threats I make
and to whom I make them.
And I would
just keep praying to God
that I don't get into power,
because
when that day comes,
I will crush you
like a grape!
I'm not afraid.
Debora,
I'd be afraid.
I'd be very afraid.
BARRY:
[ reading narrative title ]
[ dog barking ]
ELEANOR: So what are
your plans tonight?
Go to a bar.
[ gasps ]
A bar?
Yes! What's wrong
with a bar, Mom?
Oh, what is wrong
with a bar?
You little hooligan!
I'll tell you what's
wrong with a damn bar!
It's full
of cheap floozies!
[ sighs ]
Don't you think of anything
other than your prick?
Mom, I...
Why don't you go
to the Guggenheim?
I'm on the board,
you know.
The Guggenheim
on a Friday night?
Why not the Guggenheim?
You could ask Ethel.
Oh, you could
take her to dinner
and then to the museum.
Mom, Ethel
has Down Syndrome!
She's a Mongoloid!
She has
a large forehead.
Bangs could help.
It's no big deal.
It's no big deal,
my ass!
She's got a head
like Rocky Dennis!
Don't say ass
to your mother!
Her father is running
for U.S. Senate.
Who cares?
I care!
You will do
this one favor for me.
Mom, Ethel wears
floral linen moo-moos
from Eileen Fisher!
As opposed to what?
Baggy jeans
that are falling off
the rear, a bra?
What about a tongue ring?
Okay!
Nothing like a tongue ring
to aid fellatio.
Mom!
I know what you want.
You want someone
to be taken care of.
And while you're
off at work,
they spend their days
shopping and hoarding
every last penny
in a filthy
offshore bank account.
They're just like
a little squirrelly
little squirrel,
just lining their nests
with your blood!
Mom, what are you
talking about?
I know what
I am talking about!
Not to my boy
will this happen.
They're sluts! Sluts!
Mom, your blood pressure!
[ dog barking outside ]
Oh, go on, huh?
Just go on! Go out!
Bring home
a tattooed Petri dish!
Make it two.
BARRY:
I am not...I'm not
going to sleep with you.
I heard you.
Well, then ask me
out on a date.
Okay,
let's go out on a date.
Okay.
Dinner tomorrow night.
Sure.
What's your number?
It's, um, 917...
Yeah?
555...
Uh-huh.
2626.
Okay.
What is...What is that?
Aw, shit!
What?
We gotta stop by my house
before I take you home.
No, we don't.
Yes, we do! I gotta
walk my puppy, Billie.
Billie? This is so...
This is so wrong.
We'll walk my dog.
It'll take 10 minutes.
Mmm, mm--Ooh.
Where--
Where's the dog?
My mom walked him.
He's sleeping upstairs.
You're never
gonna call me.
Oh, yes, I will.
You just--
You had no intention
of driving me home.
You saw me in the bar.
You knew I was
an easy target.
My eyes are too expressive.
They--They give me away.
No, they don't.
Oh, God, please--
Oh, my God,
you are so wet.
That's completely
unintentional.
Oh, I want to taste you.
Oh, please.
I just want to taste you.
No, you don't.
I want to taste you.
I want to taste you.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God, okay.
Stop! Stop!
No. Please don't,
please don't.
Don't.
It's just my hand.
No, no, no!
It's just my hand.
I don't want to...
No, I just...
Oh, God, please.
Barry, no, seriously, stop.
Stop.
I don't want to have sex.
I don't want to have sex.
Okay, okay, don't worry.
It's just my hand.
I don't--
No, no, seriously, stop.
I'm just trying
to make you feel good.
I don't--
I don't want to do this!
Jesus Christ,
I'm almost finished!
Get the fuck off me!
Fucking asshole!
What? You think
this is funny?
No.
No, actually I think
this is pretty fucking sad.
You are such
a fucking asshole.
You know what?
You know what?
Fuck you, really,
because you're the asshole.
Oh, so the real Barry
finally comes out.
Well, nice
to fucking meet you.
Oh, come on, come on.
Come on.
Like you had no idea?
No idea that I was gonna
try and sleep with you?
It was a big
fucking surprise?
You said
that you wouldn't!
I said
that I wouldn't!
But you did!
You are such
a son of a bitch,
you know that?
I was actually
looking forward
to going out with you,
you know?
I was obviously attracted
to you, you idiot,
and I would
have slept with you
like on the third date!
But instead
you choose to use
my feelings against me!
That's so...
That's so fucking evil.
What is wrong
with your insides?
Hey! Hey!
There's nothing wrong
with my insides, okay?
I'm a mammal.
This is what mammals do.
I tried to sleep with you!
It's instinctive!
Oh! Oh, it's
instinctive to pretend
to be using your fingers
and then to force
yourself inside me?
Yes, yes, and it's called
the finger-cock switch!
Oh, you are...
You are...
You are worse
than the animals,
you know that?
Because
you actually make
a conscious decision
to behave the way
that you do.
Hey, let me just say
something, young lady, okay?
It's not my fault
that people's needs
and their wants
are diametrically opposed
to what's good for themselves
and the ones around them.
[ door opens and closes ]
Where's my fucking lotion?
[ rooster crows ]
[ clock chiming ]
[ sighs ]
[ groaning ]
Who is it?
Police!
Police Department!
Open the door!
Who?
Police!
Seriously?
Police Department.
Open the door!
Look, buddy, open the door,
or I'm gonna break it down!
[ loud thud ]
LEVINOWSKY:
Finger-cock switch?
Finger-
fucking-cock switch?
ELEANOR: Lies.
That's a hell
of a tag line
to just come up with
off the cuff!
She's a crafty little bitch.
Okay, okay.
How am I supposed
to defend
the finger-cock switch
Casanova, huh?
She gets up there
on the stand and yells,
"Finger-cock switch!"
just how am I supposed
to retort, hmm?
Hey, hey! You leave him
out of this, Levinowsky.
You're our lawyer.
Are you telling me
that DWIs
are all you're capable
of defending?
When she asked him,
she asked him
why he overpowered her,
why he forced himself
on her.
You know what she said?
She said he said
it was instinctive.
I was angry.
I was frustrated.
Oh, I see, of course!
Your Honor, my client
date-raped the victim
because he was
angry and frustrated!
I didn't date-rape
anybody, okay?
We were
just fooling around!
82% of males convicted
of date rape
said they were
just fooling around!
ELEANOR: I told you,
she's a liar.
I bet the house a civil suit
is what she's really after.
Well, for somebody
who is lying,
her story is incredibly
detailed and complete.
Listen to me,
you goddamn Polack!
Who do you think
you're talking to?
I was being awarded 50%
in divorce court
while you were still
on the mock trial team
at Polack High!
Now, you do
your goddamn job.
You get him out of this,
so that we can
get on with our lives.
That's what I am
trying to do.
Well, be
a tad more delicate.
All right,
let's talk about...
the bruises
on her wrists.
Or do you
think she's lying
about that too?
You sick son of a bitch!
That's enough,
and you will cease
to torment my son!
I thought you were
an expert
at this date rape thing,
but, obviously,
you don't know
the first thing about it!
You want expertise?
85% of rapes
are date rapes!
90% of mano-a-mano rapes
occur in the presence
of alcohol!
84% of women
know their rapists!
[ sound of sirens ]
They should make
better friends.
1% of women
report their rape!
Good for them.
1% of male rapists
are prosecuted!
That's enough!
82% of women
never fully recover!
I am warning you!
23.3% of rapes are committed
using the threat of bodily harm!
Stop it!
You're
frightening him!
100% of gang-raping,
cock-sucking,
college-attending
sons of bitches
consume alcohol
before they rape!
Aah!
Okay.
[ stammering ]
Okay, I--
I need to apologize.
I got
a little carried away
there for a moment.
It's nothing personal.
Apology accepted.
Now get out.
My daughter...
My daughter
was recently sexually
assaulted at her school.
Oh, my God!
Get out now!
Fine...
but hello!
I am the only person
standing
between your son's
white virgin buttocks
and Solitary Sahib's
big black cock!
[ dramatic music ]
BARRY: Barry Dingle.
MAN: I know
you had this before.
[ Barry grunting
and crying ]
I swear to God,
if you bring po-po in here,
I'm-a slice your ass.
You understand
what I'm sayin'?
[ man grunting ]
BARRY: Yes! Yes!
I can do it!
I can do it!
I can do it!
I can do it! I can!
[ both grunting faster ]
I swear to God,
if you bring po-po in here,
I'm-a slice you!
[ grunting ]
[ sobbing ]
Aah!
[ gasping ]
[ sobbing ]
Shut up!
Now go clean my hut.
BARRY: [reading credits ]
Eleanor? Hi.
How's Barry?
[ cats yowling ]
How's your son coping
with prison life?
It is just too,
too terrible.
The poor, poor boy.
I really do hope that
he makes some friends
and settles down
to his new habitat.
I mean, after all,
3 1/2 years
is a terribly long time
to be by oneself
in any place,
let alone in a cage.
I mean, really,
can you imagine?
Of course,
this is just between
the two of us.
[ cats yowling ]
Oh, by the way, did you
hear that my son Daniel
is marrying
Ethel Shivers?
I'm sorry that
you won't be invited
to the wedding.
654 people is all
that we can afford
to have that one night,
on that fabulous night.
[ engine starts ]
BARRY: [ reading credits ]
So, where would you
like to go for dinner?
[ crying ]
[ sobbing ]
It's all right.
[ sobbing hysterically ]
[ muttering
incomprehensively ]
Oh, please, stop this.
Stop it!
Here! Here's a Kleenex.
Take--
Stop it!
Stop it right
this minute!
Stop it!
Put your clothes
back on!
[ sobbing ]
We're in public!
Would you stop it?
Put your seatbelt on.
Come on.
[ sobbing ]
Not--Stop it!
Just stop it this minute!
Do you need more Kleenex?
[ crying ] Yeah!
Here! Wipe your eyes!
Wipe your eyes and put
your clothes back on!
[ engine starts ]
I've missed you, son.
Oh, Mom,
I've been disgraced.
It's all right.
What goes on in prison
stays in prison.
No. No, I can't live
with this, Mom.
You can and you will.
Be strong.
Oh, I know something
that'll make you
feel better.
What?
Ethel Shivers
is single again.
Mom!
Oh, and even better?
Senator Albert Shivers
is a strong candidate
to represent his party
in the next election
for the Presidency
of the United States.
Mom, I don't care!
If you wed Ethel,
you would be
the President's son-in-law.
Do you have any idea
what the perks of
something like that are?
No.
Power, fame,
money instantly.
[ sighs ]
Well, what happened
to Ethel's husband?
ELEANOR: It was a year
and a half ago.
We were at dinner
with the newlyweds,
Daniel and Ethel,
and his mother,
Debora Childers,
and the senator,
Albert Shivers and his wife...
I don't know
where she was.
And they were just
all yakking it up,
and she was gloating
about her new daughter-in-law
and her family.
She keeps flashing me
these Jack Nicholson smiles.
Suddenly, her precious son
Daniel stands up,
says he's not feeling well.
I'm not feeling well.
He excuses himself...
Excuse me.
I look down at his chair,
there is a puddle of blood.
He glimpses it...
[ moaning ]
he hits the floor,
instant coma.
Everybody was horrified.
He never woke up.
Two weeks later,
he died in the hospital...
rectal cancer.
Oh, my God!
[ Barry vomiting ]
I know what you need!
Some old-fashioned
revenge.
Nothing heals
the soul better.
[ vomiting ]
Nobody disgraces
the Dingle name
and gets away with it!
[ lid closes, toilet flushes ]
Oh, Mom,
I'm so sick!
I know, honey,
and Mama's gonna make
you feel all better.
[ bells chiming
Here Come the Bride ]
BARRY:
BARRY:
Whoo! [ laughing ]
Oh, jeez.
[ sighs ]
Oh, you don't buy beer,
you rent it.
Yes, you do.
You with
the Shnable wedding?
No, no, the Huggins.
Oh.
Barry Dingle.
Hey, I'm Matt Huggins.
Hey, okay.
Oh, Huggins!
So that makes you,
what, the best man?
[ flush ]
No, I'm the groom.
So what are you saying?
You telling me
on my wedding night
that I'm doomed
to failure
because of an instinct
that I can't control?
No. What I'm saying to you
is you have to fight
through those moments
of weakness.
That's the only way
to beat the little monster
and to avoid the second
and third wedding.
Well, why didn't
that work for you?
You fuck up enough
and you learn
from your mistakes.
That kind of makes sense.
Yeah, I feel
a little better, I guess.
Good!
I'm glad I could help.
What are you,
some kind of therapist
or something?
[ sigh ]
I'm a partner
at a mergers and
acquisitions firm.
Wow, that's pretty good.
It's a shit fuckin' job!
I spent all day
looking for office space.
We're opening up
a branch in New York.
Get outta here!
No, seriously.
Well, I'm a commercial
real estate broker.
You're kidding!
DEBORA:
You look so handsome.
Thank you, Mother.
You look just
like your brother.
Okay.
You know, you don't
have to take Ethel out
if you don't want to.
Yes, I know, Mother,
I want to.
She's the greatest
sister-in-law in the world.
Ex. She's
an ex-sister-in-law.
Yes, I meant
ex-sister-in-law.
You know,
your brother's looking
down on us from heaven.
He's rooting
for you and Ethel.
Yes, I know that.
Oh, God,
I miss my son.
I--I...Okay.
All right,
I miss him, too.
Mother,
you're wrinkling.
You're wrinkling,
okay?
Oh.
No touching.
We said that, no touching.
Sorry.
Dillon! Howdy!
Hello, Senator.
Now, Dillon,
remember I told you,
call me Albert.
We're family.
Yes, yes--Albert.
Yes. Okay.
Ow.
Hugging?
Uh-uh, no hugging.
Um, you're crushing
the flowers, Albert.
Um, okay.
We're still hugging?
Um, okay, okay.
Come on in, son.
Man.
Yes.
BARRY:
Oh, my God! Aah!
What's wrong, honey?
Just--ugh!
[ door slams ]
Ohh.
[ shower running ]
Oh, shit.
BARRY:
Thank you
for a lovely evening.
Dillon, it was
a very nice meal.
I had a wonderful time.
Thank you
very much. It was...
Was it?
It was great.
Thank you very much.
Yes. How
is Debora doing?
I haven't seen her
since the funeral.
DILLON:
Well, Mother's okay.
She's playing bridge again.
Oh, well,
that's good news.
That's good to hear.
Yes, yes.
Okay, well,
have a good night.
Oh, no, no.
Let me drive you home.
No!
Oh, no, no.
There's a cab
on every corner here.
Car's right here
and I got this great spot.
I actually don't
mind walking.
The night air
is rather refreshing.
I'll just drop you off.
Okay, oh, okay.
Yes.
Thank you.
Can't let you roam
the streets alone
in the middle
of the night.
What is...
[ stammering ]
What is...
What is this?
What--What is this?
It's a dildo...
mounted on the butt
of a rifle.
Okay? Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
What?
It's for you.
Have a good night.
Say hi to your mom for me.
No, no, no.
Tell her I said hi.
No, no, no, Ethel,
this--this--
Oh, Debbie, that's
handsome son number two.
It matches.
Matches both of us.
[ laughs ]
That's--That's interesting.
BARRY:
[ shower running ]
I need a shower
really badly.
I love you.
BARRY:
MATT: So there are
conference rooms...
[ elevator bell dings ]
and, uh, there's
22 individual offices.
Now, this space
on the floor,
depending on
how you arrange it,
you can have a support staff
of up to about 50 people.
So, um, that's about it.
What do you think?
I think we should
walk around some more.
I think better that way.
How was your honeymoon?
It was good.
What'd you do?
You know, we, uh...
We did some snorkeling,
we laid out
on the beach,
did some parasailing--
all the things
that vacationing couples
do on vacation, you know.
Nice.
How about you?
I, uh...
I had a threesome
last night.
[ laughs ] What?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
How'd you manage that?
This not what you need
to hear right now.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean,
you just got married.
You're
a little shell-shocked.
Let's talk about
the office space.
Aw, you know,
I can handle it.
You sure?
Yeah, of course.
So I'm
at this titty bar...
and it's late
and I've had a...
a few beers,
and I am watching
this girl on stage,
this little blonde
named Dakota.
Oh, man. And she is...
She's shaking this...
and she's bending that.
And by the time
she's done,
I have memorized
every mole,
every beauty mark,
every tattoo
on her whole entire body.
After her song,
she kneels down...
and she, uh,
offers me a lap dance.
Would you like a lap dance?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And, man,
this whole time,
we're vibin'.
Mmm...
We're gigglin'.
Mmm.
All of a sudden, man,
she drops the bomb on me.
I get off in 45 minutes.
You want to come to my place
and have a drink?
Yes, I would.
Mmm.
Sure as shit, man,
hour later,
we are at her place
having a drink.
So we walk
into her apartment...
and on the couch,
there's another girl,
extremely lubed,
extremely friendly,
just home
from the bars.
But there is something
very, very, very peculiar
about this girl.
What?
Well, you see, she looks
just like the stripper.
Her sister?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
her sister Nadine.
No way.
So all of a sudden,
they get up...
and they start to take
their clothes off.
And then they sit
on my lap...
and they start to kiss me
all over and lick me,
and they start
to work on my clothes,
and one of them goes
for my belt.
And they get on their knees,
and they start to...
They start
to work my knob
like they haven't tasted...
cock in three years.
I fucked
these two beautiful girls
so uncontrollably
and with such passion
that when I came
for the third time,
I swear to God I thought
my balls were gonna explode.
Wow.
Yeah.
[ Dakota breathing ]
[ exhales ]
[ exhales ]
[ sound of breathing
continues ]
BARRY:
[ sighs ]
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,
kick in already.
[ sitar music ]
Derek,
I am not an idiot.
I know what your mother
is up to.
I know what your mother
is up to.
My father is running
for President.
I said it. It's true.
Did you know that?
Did you know that?
So I'm at dinner...
Oh, God!
Yes? Yes or no?
Yes. You are
admitting it to me.
And I'm having dinner
with you because,
for fuck's sake,
you're my dead
husband's brother,
and all you can think
about is riding me
like some prized pony
into the White House.
Don't--
Well?
Well, what?
What the fuck do you have
to say for yourself?
What do you have
to say for yourself?
God, my teeth
are so itchy.
What?
They're so itchy!
What is wrong with you?!
Ah!
Honestly! Do you know
that right now,
your brother is probably
getting machine-gunned
up the ass by--
Mother touches us.
That is not for me.
She touches us.
That has nothing--
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
It's lovely.
Just put that down.
[ panting ]
Okay, that's it,
that's it.
This is an official--
official protest!
This is wrong and you
are gonna knock it off
and you're
gonna go home
and you are gonna
tell Debora
that I
am not a trophy,
and that she needs
to cut it the fuck out!
Are you
listening to me?
[ whispering ]
I just realized something.
Um, what?
I'm an albatross.
I'm an albatross.
[ tableware clanking ]
Wha--Oh, my God!
I'm an albatross!
Albatross!
[ squawking ]
Check, please?
Ohh.
Well, Deb,
that's all three.
You're out of ammo.
[ squawking ]
[ squawking ]
[ squawking ]
[ spits out fish ]
I'll have
a Chardonnay, please?
Debora Childers, please?
[ sighs ]
Debora, you keep your boys
away from my daughter,
or I'll hunt them down
like runaway slaves!
Slaves, Dad?
Slaves.
Yeah, I'm sure Yvonne,
your secretary,
would really
appreciate that.
We're not talking
about Yvonne right now.
Come here, baby,
come on.
Dad--
Give Daddy a hug.
I don't--
Come on.
Give Daddy a hug.
That's my girl, yeah.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you, too.
BARRY:
[ pages turning ]
I'm gonna take it.
What?
I would like to lease
this space for my law firm.
Great. You'll take it
just like that?
Just like that,
on one condition.
What--What's that?
That you come tonight
to celebrate your big sale
at my house
with some of my friends.
Wonderful. And can
I bring my wife with me?
No. No wives allowed.
It's ringing,
it's ringing.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, may I please speak
to Joanna Wojohowsky?
Joan--
This is she.
[ stilted ] Yeah, "my name is
Ron Burgenstein. I am..."
"Burgerstein,"
oh, my God!
Burgerstein...
What fucking difference
does it fucking make,
you fucking prick?
"I am one of
your husband's associates.
Your husband has closed
a very large deal."
What--
What kind of deal?
She wants to know
what kind of deal.
He sold a 10-year lease
to an international
law firm.
It's on the paper.
Just say it.
Don't take your time.
Go, go!
Don't look at me. Go!
You're a sick fuck.
He sold a 10-year-old
to an international law firm.
Excuse me?
Are you nuts?
Are you nuts?
He's a broker,
a real estate broker!
10-year lease
to an international
law firm!
That's different.
You should have said.
Sold a 10-year lease
to an international law firm.
Uh-huh?
"The company's throwing him
a surprise party
"to celebrate
his achievement.
"Would you join us
this evening?
It's at 9 P.M. at..."
Okay, yeah.
Be seeing you
there tonight.
What are you gonna be wearing?
I'm gonna be...
BARRY:
What do you think?
It's nice.
It's beautiful out here.
It's all for you.
For me?
For you.
Really?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like for all of you
to raise your glasses.
I would like to, uh...
I would
like make a toast
to our new
real estate broker,
Matt Huggins.
Matt, on behalf of Dingle,
Lyveshitz & Hyman,
on behalf
of all of our partners,
associates, and support staff,
and I hope that this
is the beginning
of a fruitful
and mutually beneficial
business relationship.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Cheers!
Cheers.
Congratulations.
"Dear Matt,
I'm so proud of you.
"Congratulations.
"I think we sh--
"I really think--
"really think we should
try to work this out.
"I hate fighting
with you.
"I love you so much.
You're my midnight--
night fireman."
[ dance music playing ]
So, um...
I was
like 8 years old,
and I was at the library,
and I had to take
this monster crap,
and, uh...
and nothing would come out,
not even a deer pebble.
[ dance music fades
to poignant piano music ]
And, uh,
so I just decide
I'm gonna walk back
to my house,
and, of course,
I get like halfway
from the library
to my house,
and it hits me.
I started panicking.
I, like, curled up in a ball
just trying to force back
down this storm of poop
that was gonna come out.
The only thing I could
do was try and get
back to my house.
So...so I take one step,
and that was it.
Oh!
My butt muscles deflate,
and they weren't listening
to my brain anymore.
And, uh, the panic
was replaced
by this very short-lived,
but wonderful feeling
of relief
after I shit
all over myself.
Ohh!
Oh, man.
You know, it's funny.
I realized that I never told
that story to anybody before.
Why are you telling me?
'Cause you're
a good friend.
[ dance music resumes ]
What are you guys
doing just sitting here?
Don't you know
there's a party going on?
Come on,
come dance with me.
All right.
It's time.
Get in there.
Mom, I don't think
I can do this!
What are you--
Will you stop it!
Don't you tell me
to stop it!
This is my plan.
This is my house.
And for better or worse,
you're the rotten fruit
of my loins!
So get
your used ass in there
and pull that trigger!
Mom, Matt
didn't do anything,
and he's my friend.
He's your what?
I mean,
he's my friend.
He's your
real estate broker,
for God's sake!
Look,
he's just putting on
this "I'm your
best friend" routine
to close the deal.
Oh, wake up, Barry.
Now, be a man
and finish this.
Hey, do me a favor.
Go upstairs
in the master bedroom.
There's a bottle of
Scotch under the bed.
Bring it down
to the kitchen,
and we'll do
a couple of shots.
Thanks.
Yeah.
MAN: But just think
about how romantic that is,
just their first
date alone, right?
They're ice skating.
They're ice skating,
it's closed,
just the two
of them on ice.
Like it's symbolic
that they're on thin ice.
You know, they're
kind of finding something,
discovering something.
Hi. Sorry. Have
you seen Matt Huggins?
Yeah, I think
he's in the back yard.
But it's cute
'cause, you know,
she can't skate,
she's falling,
he's holding her up.
It's a whole metaphor.
Oh. Jeez, I'm sorry.
Close the door.
Okay, sorry.
No.
Where are you going?
Close the door
from the inside.
All right.
Come in, sit down.
[ ominous music ]
Has anybody seen Matt?
Oh.
Have you--
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Have
you guys seen Matt?
Have you seen Matt?
You haven't?
Matt!
Matt. Have you guys
seen Matt Huggins?
Matt? No?
Jo? No.
Oh, fuck!
MATT: Jo! Jo!
Jo?
Jo.
You're fucking dead
Dingle!
[ slap ]
[ guests gasp ]
Wow, is that
all you got, Huggins?
You fucking animals.
[ laughs ]
Well, I thought so.
BARRY:
BARRY: Ha ha!
You feeling better?
Yeah. [laughs ]
Hey.
You will always be
my little Dingle, Barry.
You know that.
I would tear
their lungs out for you.
I know, Mom.
On Wednesday,
we are having dinner
with Clarice, Albert,
and Ethel Shivers.
Mom, I don't want--
Hey, we made a deal!
Now, just make sure
that you have
that Peace Corps story
straight for the senator
and his family.
Barry!
I know, I know.
Guatemala, Tekchi,
I got it, Mom.
Good.
Oh, isn't that
the Childers boy?
Almost there.
Just sit down.
Go slow, okay?
Easy, easy.
Easy.
Something happened
to his neck.
Mommy had Anna
make you some nice soup.
Is it chicken Noodle?
Chicken Noodle,
of course.
Okay.
I cup up the chicken
for you, okay?
[ sighs ]
Well, time to go home.
No, Mother,
it's still gonna be hot.
No, it's not.
It's still hot.
It's not hot.
I don't want it.
It's not hot.
It's hot. You know what?
You're hurting me.
It's not.
It's not hot.
You're hurting me, Mother.
Take it down.
Please take it down,
Mother?
Debora. Oh, did you
hurt your neck?
Uh, yes, it got hurt.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Bye, Deb.
[ mouths word ]
Hey, Barry.
[ mouthing question ]
Uh, it got hurt.
Okay...
Mother, you're--
you're...stop.
Sorry. Are you okay?
Why?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Here.
I don't want it.
It's hot.
It's good for you.
How many times
do I have to--
It's good--
I don't want it!
BARRY:
[ dishes clanking ]
[ ominous music ]
SENATOR SHIVERS:
Barry?
Barry?
Yes, sir?
I say, where
were you stationed?
I was, um...
I was stationed
in Guatemala, sir.
Guatemala?
BARRY: Yes, sir.
I been to Guatemala.
Really? What were
you doing in Guatemala?
Bird-watching.
The senator loves
tropical parrots.
What kind of parrots?
Jenday Conures,
Majestic Macaws,
Black-headed Caiques.
I have an extensive
photo collection.
Oh, we certainly do.
Where in Guatemala?
Um, well, I was
stationed on, uh...
the Rio Dulce River,
which is...
It's on the east side
of Guatemala.
It was a fishing village.
Oh, it isn't
that delightful, Ethel?
Rio means river.
What's that, sugar?
He said
Rio Dulce River.
In Spanish,
rio is river.
Oh! [ laughs ]
Tell me, son, you didn't
spend three years in Guatemala
and not know
that rio means river?
No, sir,
I do know that.
You see, unfortunately,
my Spanish is very,
very rusty,
because in my village
we mostly spoke Kekchi.
It's derived
from the native tongue
of the Mayan Indians.
Chekti?
Mm-mmm. Kekchi.
Tek-Tek--Tekchi.
Kek--
Kekchi?
Kekchi.
Tek...chi.
BARRY: Chi.
Tekchi.
[ laughs ]
Well, why don't we have
a little taste of that Tekchi?
Give us
a little taste of it.
Oh, yes.
Okay. Um...
Takwah ch'up.
Takwah ch'up.
Takwah ch'up.
Takwah ch'up.
Takwah ch'up.
What's that mean?
Can I have a pineapple?
Oh, well, that'll
come in handy
if I ever want
a pineapple
in Guatemala.
Takwah ch'up!
Hey, Mable,
Takwah ch'up!
Wouldn't that be great if
she brought us a pineapple?
[ laughter ]
[ doorbell chimes ]
SENATOR SHIVERS:
I'll get it.
Nuts!
Uh, Barry taught
the village children English.
Oh, oh, isn't that sweet?
Were they
just tiny and delightful?
They weren't
really tiny.
They were between
the ages of 12 and 18,
and they
were mostly girls.
But that is because
the men and the boys
would go
fishing and hunting
most of the day,
and that left me
to watch the girls.
[Eleanor
chuckles uneasily ]
But Barry also built latrines
and taught hygiene.
And he was an integral part
of the development
of an irrigation system,
which helped grow rice.
And he was the sole founder
of the textile training center
and was responsible
for the export-import
establishment
with the United States.
Oh, well, that
is impressive.
I built a few sewing,
embroidery,
and block printing
machines.
And all these things
ran on this tiny,
little gas generator.
It was no big deal,
but I tell you something.
Those Kekchi girls
were really, really,
really great students.
BARRY:
I had no idea
what he did to you.
I had no idea
who he was.
Please forgive me.
I won't live without you.
[ fire crackling ]
What are your intentions
with my daughter, son?
[ clock chiming ]
Uh, well, I wanted
to take her on a proper date.
Ask me.
Uh, Senator Shivers,
may I please take Ethel
out to dinner, sir?
Son, I can smell bullshit
like a bloodhound
smells a bitch in heat.
And you two Dingles wreak
of Guatemalan bullshit.
However, Ethel's
heart's been broken
ever since the Good Lord
took Daniel away
from her so suddenly.
And I firmly believe
that the best cure
for a broken heart
is new love,
wherever it comes from.
My wife admires
your mother.
She likes
her social graces
and mixing abilities.
Clarice always did
give people the benefit
of the doubt.
I, on the other hand,
shoot first and
ask questions later.
Anyhow, I'm gonna allow
you to date my daughter,
but--and this is "but"
with a big old "b"--
if your intentions
are less than honorable,
if you slip a curse word
into dinner conversation,
if you in any way
besmirch the Shivers name
with a speck
of Dingle dirt,
I'll make certain
that you and your mother
never set foot
in the eastern, southern
or western parts
of the continental
United States again.
Are we clear?
Yes, sir.
Isn't that
a pretty fire?
[ door opening ]
BARRY:
Thank you, Senator.
SENATOR SHIVERS:
You're welcome.
I'm glad you came.
Thank you for dinner.
Dinner was lovely.
Thank you.
I liked it myself.
Oops!
Remember what I said.
[ imitates gunshot ]
BARRY: [ laughs ]
Yeah, I will. I remember.
I was just kidding.
You were.
Good night.
Night.
Good night.
Good try, Deb.
DEBORA: Excuse me?
Does Joanna Wojohowsky
live here?
Yeah. Who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Debora Childers.
Your wife and I
have something in common.
We've both been violated
by the Dingles.
Yeah.
Can you come in?
Excuse me.
[ door slams ]
You know how important
this is to me, right?
Yes.
I take care of you,
you take care of your mother
right back, yes?
Yes.
What time is it?
6:30.
Well, I won't be back
from the Bridge game
before 10:00.
But when I do get home,
I don't want to find you here.
Mom, what am I
supposed to do with
Ethel for four hours?
I am not going to be
around to wipe your ass
after every shit.
Figure it out yourself.
Mom?
[ frustrated grunt ]
[ engine starts ]
[ engine starts ]
[ tires squeal ]
Oh, my God, look!
They've got redfish
on the menu!
I haven't seen redfish
in 15 years!
And here it is,
the whole story.
15 years ago,
there was a chef named
Paul Prudhomme,
who created this recipe
called the blackened redfish,
and it spread through
the country like wildfire.
And before you know it,
they got fished out,
and it was illegal to
commercially fish redfish.
that imports these fish here
and, bang, it's on the menu.
Let's try the redfish.
Listen up, Dingle.
I'm not buying any
of your Kekchi bullshit.
I know for a fact
you've never seen Guatemala
on the Discovery Channel,
let alone spent three years
in a fishing village there.
Peace Corps, my ass!
And you and your mother
are up to something.
I don't know
what yet...yet.
Truce, please?
Why are we even at dinner?
I saw the way you
were looking at me
the other night.
How was I looking at you?
I found you attractive.
I was looking at you.
Shoot me.
You were staring
at my large forehead!
I happen to think
that you have
a very aristocratic
and regal forehead,
and I think it's lovely.
Oh! Oh, good, good.
So when the kids
used to call me
pumpkinhead,
I guess what
they meant to say was,
"She's an aristocrat."
You know, Ethel,
if you just gave me a chance,
maybe if you gave me
the benefit of the doubt
like your mother,
maybe you would realize
that I'm a pretty good guy
and that my aim
is true with you.
My mother is a wet mop,
and the second part
of that sentence
is from a song
called "Alison" written
by Elvis Costello.
What?
♪ My aim is true ♪
I didn't know that.
Oh, bullshit.
You are such a liar.
Listen, I know
that you know that
my husband is dead,
but what you don't know
is that I have never once
lost self-respect,
not once.
So don't try your
bullshit pickup routine
with me, Dingle!
What bullshit
pickup routine have I...
Wait, wait, wait.
Did you--
Did you
just curse at me?
No, I repeated
what you said,
"bullshit routine..."
Did you just curse
at me again?
Did you not hear
what my father
said to you?
Ethel, why are you
doing this to me?
Why am I doing...
Wait, Barry.
Are you scared
of my daddy?
No! No, I am not scared
of your dad.
Why are you acting
this way?
I don't like you, Dingle.
I don't like
the Dingle stench that
I feel coming off you,
and stop saying my name.
It sounds dirty coming
out of your mouth.
Can we at least order
the redfish just
for an appetizer?
Oh, you are an imbecile!
[ sighs ]
All right, listen,
I've got somewhere
else to go.
I am not gonna
tell my father
that you cursed at me
at the dinner table.
And you will tell
your mother that you had
a lovely dinner
with Ethel Shivers.
Hi, sweetie.
You look gorgeous.
Thanks.
Hey, man.
[ rifling objects ]
Nuts!
Yes!
Pick up,
pick up, pick up.
[ cell phone vibrating ]
Hello?
Barry Dingle
is on the premises.
Shit.
Hello!
Pick up, pick up.
[ cell phone vibrating ]
Mom?
Hello, Mom?
[ stomach gurgling ]
[ groans ]
Ohh!
[ groaning ]
[ door closes ]
[ Barry defecating
and groaning ]
[ groaning and defecating ]
Who's out there?!
[ fart ]
[ farting and defecating ]
Ohh!
Tsk.
Mom! Mom, is that you?!
[ breathing quickly ]
Debora!
Ooh!
Go!
What are you doing home?
My God.
[ scoffs ]
I told the prosecutor
about this book,
but I had no idea
how bad it was.
There's gotta be
200 women in here
with check marks
by their names.
I mean, this guy's a...
He's a serial rapist.
Do you have any idea
how many women
this fucker has soiled?
This is like a log.
This is--This is like
a trophy book of all the people
that he's
fucking scarred for life!
That cock-sucking
motherfucker!
Joanna, just calm down.
Let's call
the police, okay?
You believe
I'm the first person
who brought charges
against this guy?
I mean, his lawyer
made it perfectly clear
that he'd never
been arrested before
this "alleged" incident.
You know, and he was
an upstanding citizen
of the community.
You alone sent him away
for three years.
Now, there are lots
of victims in this book.
What are you doing?
I'm calling the police.
Give me the phone.
Why?
Just give me the phone.
So, we're sitting
at the bar.
My girlfriend
goes to the bathroom.
Out of nowhere,
he sashays over
like a plaid-pantsed
line dancer.
For the life of me,
I don't remember
what he opened with.
He goes in for the kill
with a line about
walking his puppy.
Hey, let's go back
to my house.
We'll walk my puppy,
Billie,
and then
I'll take you home.
I'm dumb,
but not that dumb.
So he pulls
the dog routine,
and then
I say something like,
look, I'm not going home
with you no matter
what you say.
And he believed me.
Hey, hey, hey!
I believe you.
Because he
never mentioned it again.
Not another word
about it.
So how did he get you
to go home with him?
All of a sudden, my head
gets a little cloudy,
like I start
to lose track of his words,
and then entire sentences,
until I don't know what
the hell he's talking about.
So I decide to leave,
but I can't get
off the chair.
Luckily for me, he offers
to walk me to my car.
I will walk you
to your car.
I remember that walk over
and the feeling
of this overwhelming sensation
of warmth enveloping
my entire body.
That was my last memory
of that night.
Warmth, like a muggy
August afternoon,
only it was mid-October.
He put a roofie
in your drink.
A roofie?
Rohypnol.
It's a medical sedative
that sexual predators use
to sedate their prey.
It's also called
the date rape drug.
Oh, my goodness!
Yep. I woke up
the next morning
confused and pregnant.
Oh, I knew it was his,
because I was single
at the time.
Plus, I was a virgin,
there was that.
Oh, no.
No.
I quietly had an abortion
and cried myself to sleep
for a good three years.
It's fucking awful.
You poor, sweet thing.
So, how far
are you willing to go?
Pretty far.
[ rifling drawer ]
Mom, have you seen
my little black book?!
Barry, get down here!
What?!
I said get down here!
I want to talk to you!
[ frustrated growl ]
Mom, I'm--I'm--
What?
Sit down.
Why?
I said sit down!
Son, I love you.
You know that.
Mom, what are you,
drunk?
Shut up and listen.
Son, I love you.
I have spent
my entire life
trying to mold you
into a successful
and self-sufficient man.
I have failed tragically.
Unfortunately,
you were born
without any of my desire
for success, status,
or self-respect.
Anyway,
you're 35 years old,
and I have decided
it's time to relieve you
of any and all
of my expectations,
demands, or sacrifices.
Why?
I have spent
my entire life
dreaming of sipping tea
from Eleanor Roosevelt's
china.
And by the grace of God,
that opportunity
has arrived.
So for finding your hand
in Cousin Martha's
underdoos
at my birthday party,
thank you very much.
For setting fire
to Walter Beeman's
curly red Afro at camp,
for being the only child
at any social function
without a drop
of fucking rhythm,
for having sex
with a cot
on our trip to France,
for making soup
with your mother's tampons
and serving it
to your eighth grade...
Mom!
For all of those times,
you will do
one last sacrifice.
You will court
and wed Ethel Shivers.
Mom, Ethel Shivers
is a lesbian!
I don't care!
If you can woo
every jaded trollop
and bring them back
and fuck them
in my living room
on a nightly basis,
you can certainly win
the affection
of one naive
and homely senator's
daughter.
Besides, I really don't
think she's a lesbo.
I think that
her heterosexuality
has just been knocked
out of her.
So nurse her back
to our team.
If you can't and won't
make this one last
sacrifice for me,
all of your belongings,
just like your father's,
will be
out on the street.
Now, I have to go
to a board meeting
at the Guggenheim
with Ethel's mother,
after which I am bringing
the Shivers back here
for tea and dessert.
So I suggest
you stay here
and wait to charm
the fuck out of Ethel,
her mother,
and the President-to-be.
Have I made myself clear?
Yeah.
Good.
BARRY:
[ music playing in bar ]
[ harp flourish ]
Barbara Lementovich?
Roofie
in the Bay Breeze.
Uh, Scotch
on the rocks, please?
[ coughs ]
Barry Dingle.
That's me.
I thought it was.
Don't you recognize me?
Nope.
I can't believe
you don't remember me.
We met here at this bar.
I'm sorry,
I--I don't remember.
I have very fond memories
of you, Dingle.
You changed my life
the night we met.
You seem preoccupied.
Tell you what,
if you're interested
in having a drink
with me and my girlfriend,
we'll be waiting for you
at that next table.
You don't buy that stuff.
You rent it.
Okay, okay.
I get it.
Okay, I get it.
I'm gonna
kill you, Barry.
I knew it.
I knew I was in trouble
when I saw your wife
out there,
but I figured
I'd slip in here,
get my coat on,
and get out
before having to drink
that fucking drink
with the roofie.
What are you
talking about, bro?
I haven't seen my wife
since the night of your party
that you threw for me.
Matt, she's parked
outside in a car.
All right, sure.
Whatever--Whatever, buddy.
Oh, and I suppose
you have no idea
that Barbara Lementovich
is sitting right there
smiling at us.
This is not gonna
work for you, bro!
It's not gonna work.
What is wrong
with you, man?
You look like
a fucking derelict!
Are you insane?
Are you all right?
Oh, are you
worried about me?
Yes!
You're worried about me?
Okay, no, I'm great.
I'm just awesome.
You know, in fact,
I haven't eaten
for about a week,
I haven't slept
for a couple of weeks,
my wife won't talk
to me anymore,
and I just got fired.
I lost my job
because of the paperwork
that I submitted
on your firm.
But, otherwise,
oh, I'm great!
Any other worries
you have?
Any other concerns?
I did this to you?
You sure did, buddy!
And now
I'm gonna kill you!
[ gun cocks ]
Hey.
I don't want to worry
any of these nice people,
so we're gonna go
to the bathroom.
Hey, hey, hey!
Get up, get up!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Matt.
I'm sorry.
Sure you are, buddy!
sure you are!
Hey, hey, hey!
Do you remember
you told me that story
about the library
and then you said
to me--you said,
'cause I was
a really good friend.
You remember that?
I fucked up!
I fucked up!
I don't know
why I did that.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I assume it has
something to do
with your mother,
but to be honest with you,
I don't really give a fuck!
Hey, hey, I know
how to fix this thing.
I know how to fix this.
It's too late for you!
[ crying ] I'm not
talking about me.
I'm not talking
about me.
[ thud ]
I didn't lose every fight
in prison, buddy.
How did
I change your life?
Where's your friend?
He's, uh...
He's in the bathroom.
He had really bad
Mexican food.
How did
I change your life?
I thought you didn't
remember me.
I thought you couldn't
care less.
You've...You've
peaked my interest.
How did
I change your life?
Where's your drink?
Have a seat.
Toast.
Mmm.
Here's to...
Eleanor
Rosemary Dingle,
may she rest
in peace. Cheers.
Okay, now how did
I change your life?
Eleanor Dingle?
Never mind who this is.
I thought you might
like to know
what your scheming son
is up to.
[ slurring ]
I remember...
I remember your name...
Mmm...
as Barbara Lementovich.
I...I put a--
[ laughs ]
I put a roofie
in your drink,
and then
I fucked you.
I'm sorry.
No, you raped me,
you fuck!
And now you're
gonna take a walk.
Hey, hey!
Hey.
Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up.
[ gun clicking ]
Where's the bullets?
You don't think I have
more bullets in the car?
We're gonna fly.
But I don't understand
why you can't...
What are
you doing here?
Are you--
What?
Are you
following me?
No, I came to get him.
Why?
I don't know.
What is that
in your hand?
Matt, were you
gonna kill him?
Honey, I love you so much.
[ footsteps ]
What are you
doing here?
What have you done to him?
Hey!
ELEANOR:
What's your problem?
Don't you...get away!
Bitch!
I got it!
I got it!
Ooh! Oh! Oh!
[ doorbell chimes ]
[ knock on door ]
[ doorbell chimes ]
[ knock on door ]
[ pounding on door ]
[ door opens ]
CLARICE: Eleanor?
Eleanor? Uh, Barry?
Is anybody home?
Mmm, nice bubblies.
Eww!
Oh, my!
Oh!
Oh, well...
Oh!
Panty trail!
[ laughing ]
Ethel!
Where you going?
Ethel!
Do you think we should...
Stop right there!
Let Daddy go.
Well, wait for me!
[ gasps ] Oh!
[ bell tolling ]
Jesus Christ on a crutch!
Ohh!
Holy shit!
[ Requiem-like organ music ]
I fucking knew it!
[ Clarice gasps ]
Oh, honey, now, don't--
You Dingles are done.
Oh, shit!
Come on, honey.
Come on.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Don't look.
ELEANOR: Shit! Wake up!
Wake up!
Get up!
Ohh!
What is going on?
Good God Almighty!
[ crying ]
Shit!
[ sighs ]
Just...
[ starts engine ]
[ rock music ]
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ You and me ♪
♪ You know that we were
always funny ♪
♪ In a car crash
sort of way ♪
♪ Watch me bruise
and bleed for you ♪
♪ I always knew that
I'd end up dead today ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ So I'm going
to tear down the sky ♪
♪ And all
the dull stars tonight ♪
♪ So I can stay hidden
and live in the black ♪
♪ I hate being famous
for my hits ♪
♪ And never for my misses ♪
♪ Bloody kisses
from poison lips ♪
♪ Leave lovers dead in ditches ♪
♪ So pass another round
around for the kids ♪
♪ Who have nothing
left to lose ♪
♪ And for those souls
old and sold out ♪
♪ By the soles of my shoes ♪
♪ By the soles of my shoes ♪
♪ Drag my corpse
through the cities ♪
♪ I never got to visit ♪
BARRY: [ reading credits ]
♪ Promise,
don't let me miss it ♪
♪ Drag my corpse
through the cities ♪
♪ I never got to visit ♪
♪ Promise,
don't let me miss it ♪
♪ Promise me ♪
♪ You and me,
you know that we ♪
♪ Were always funny
in a car crash sort of way ♪
♪ Watch me bruise
and bleed for you ♪
♪ I always knew
that I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
♪ That I'd die ♪
BARRY: [ continuing
to read credits ]
♪ Baby, the blood's
already been spilt ♪
♪ And no amount
of crying will wash ♪
♪ The red
from your guilty hands ♪
♪ Baby, the blood's
already been spilt ♪
♪ And no amount
of crying will wash ♪
♪ The red
from your guilty hands ♪
♪ Baby, the blood's
already been spilt ♪
♪ And no amount
of crying will wash ♪
♪ The red
from your guilty hands ♪
♪ I'm gonna die ♪
♪ But what if I ♪
♪ Promised to hold ♪
♪ On long enough ♪
♪ To suffer? ♪
♪ But what if I ♪
♪ Promised to hold ♪
♪ On long enough ♪
♪ To suffer? ♪
♪ But what if I ♪
♪ Promised to hold ♪
♪ On long enough ♪
♪ To suffer? ♪
♪ But what if I ♪
♪ Promised to hold ♪
♪ On long enough ♪
♪ To suffer? ♪
[ song ends ]
BARRY: [ continuing
to read credits ]