Barrio Tales (2012) - full transcript

♪ I'm a big bad hawk

♪ i like to fly in the dark

♪ i'm a big bad hawk

♪ i'm leavin'

♪ buh buh-buh buh
buh-buh ♪

♪ b-b-big bad wolf

♪ just rollin' around

♪ b-b-big bad wolf

♪ saying hi to the ground

♪ don't step on the rocks

♪ you're making too much noise



♪ there's mrs. Smith's sons

♪ they're wild boys

♪ you gonna come around here

♪ you better keep it quiet

♪ come around here

♪ you better stay silent

could you wait for that
maybe, please?

Why, man? I'm fuckin' bored.
Um, 'cause we're in mexico,

and i don't plan on going to jail down here.
Dude, you're not gonna go to jail.

There's fuckin'
nobody around.

All right, well, then,
fine, gimme some.

I can't believe
i actually let you convince me

to drive down here.
Dude, you wanted cheap drugs.

Well, here we are.



We're in the cheap drug
capital of the world, man.

Jesus!

Should i? I don't know.
Roll it down.

Hola, amigos!

What are you doing
out here?

Just waiting
for a friend.

You don't look mexican.
Is your friend mexican?

Well, we've actually
never met him officially.

Heh. You're a little far
out of your way

to see a friend
you never even met.

Listen, creepy fuck,

uh, we're looking
for a dude named pedro.

Do you know who he is?
Pedro?

Yeah. I know him well.
I will take you right to him.

Um...

o-okay.

We'll sit here
and wait for pedro.

He is running late.

So what are you guys
picking up?

Some fuckin' oranges.
Why do you care?

Sounds to me like you're
picking up party favors

for your friends.

Yeah, well,
you're fucking crazy.

I'm not the one
trespassing

to smuggle drugs
back into your country.

Um, so when's pedro
getting here?

Anytime soon, or...

all you americans...

in such a rush.

You don't care who you have
to get through or hurt

to get what you want
when you want.

Everything is handed
to you.

What the fuck
are you talking about,

you crazy fuckin' mexican?

I'm talking about

rich american punks
like you.

You know,
there's a story

about three rich kids

who decided to disrespect
someone from barrio,

someone who helped them,

someone innocent

who never, ever did
anything wrong

except work
for a living.

Well, these boys...

they paid dearly
for their mistakes.

♪ Ave maria

honey, i'm home!

Mom! Your baby's home
from college!

Dad!

Well, so much
for the "welcome home" party.

Nice.

"Hey, trev, mom and i decided
to go to caicos last minute.

"The weather is stunning
this time of year.

"I left your graduation present
in the drawer.

"Congrats, kiddo! Dad.

P.s. be nice
to the new maid."

Hola. Hi.
Hi.

You, uh,
must be the new maid. Yes.

Maria.
I'm sorry?

Maria.
M-maria?

Yes.
Cool. Yeah.

The sandwiches i tried--
it seems really good.

Really good. It was good bread,
different bread. I--

thank you.

I'm gonna just...
okay.

I'm gonna go that way, actually.
All right.

Okay.

Dude, just--dude, because
you're always in my way...

what's up, guys?
And i almost pooped in the cougar.

Nice to see you. Okay, hey,
how you doing? I gotta take a poop, so...

dude.
Danny, what's up?

Good to see you.
Yeah.

Where are the, uh,
where are the 'rents, bro?

They are currently
in turks and caicos.

Ooh. Yeah, caicos.
Classy.

Where's the money?

What money?

Your parents are worth
$4 billion.

They left you money.

Oh! You're talking
about that money.

Yeah, follow me.
Nice.

♪ Jeremiah
was a bullfrog ♪

who the fuck are you?

Maria.

♪ Two standard cinderellas
for ménage à trois ♪

♪ you jealous of this fella,
not as suave as moi ♪

♪ the slickest
in the chicken coop ♪

♪ you fit
into a different group ♪

♪ of bitches
who should listen to ♪

who the fuck's the spanish soap
star in the bathroom?

That is the new maid--
maria.

She's pretty fuckin' hot,
right?

What happened
to lupita?

I don't--
i don't know.

Uh, she probably got caught
stealing or deported

or forgot
to shave her mustache

for, like,
the hundredth time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you have a hot-ass servant?

Dibs.

Dude, i got dibs.

You okay?

I really liked lupita.

Hello.
Hoorah.

Damn.

I'm jack.

Welcome to america.

Tu hablo ingles?

Poquito.

Bueno.
What the fuck are you guys talkin' about?

It's spanish. What?

You sound like a fuckin' idiot.

Maria,

smoke-y el weedo?

Dick. She's working,
all right?

Lo siento. I'm sorry.
N-no problem.

Come on.
What, she can't scrub the floors while she's high?

There it is.

I don't give a shit.
I don't want you cutting my shit

with, uh, baking powder

because i'm not trying to grow
muffins out of my nose.

What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm at the office.

Wow. Hey, fuck-face...

$100 a ball? Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
unless you still have sand in your puss

from the last time i smoked you.
No, i don't have sand in my puss.

Have you checked?

We're all clear.

Yo, elton,
you gonna pass that?

No.

For a guy who's got sand
in his puss,

i'm kinda kickin' your ass.
Okay, all right.

You still have
the cash, fucker?

Okay, watch this.

Mm-hmm.
Are you watching?

Mm-hmm.

Ooh. You know what?
I think i lost my contact on--

did that go in?
I saw a color drop.

I'm just not sure
if that went in.

Why would i want laundry
detergent in my cocaine,

because...
what--what am i?

Am i--am i trying to clean
clothes with my septum?

So you want to stop being
a poor person and go for $300?

Fuck it.
$300 it is. Cool.

All right, uh...
wow.

Sorry.
Bravo.

Was that for real?
Are we counting that?

Yeah, dude,
don't even worry about it.

I think she knows who her boss is.
No, fuck that. Are you fuckin' serious?

You just step in front of my shot?
I'm sorry.

Just relax. Shut the fuck up.
Goddamn it.

Well, that shot
just cost me $300.

I'm sorry.
How are you gonna pay for it?

Uh, food stamps?

I don't think so.

Actually, i do have
a good idea, though.

Um, el blow job-o?

You know what that is?

I think that would make us even.
I think that's a swell idea.

I think we know you think that, elton.
You guys are being assholes.

And look at che guevara over
there being a revolutionary.

Okay, you know what?
I'm over it.

Um, consuela,
can you just get the fuck out, please? Maria.

What did you say?
Just go.

Why are you fucking
staring at me? Vamanos!

That's a word
in spanish, right?

You know what?
You guys are fuckin' dicks.

♪ And he gotta be his own
worst enemy all the same ♪

maria, are you okay?

Go away.

Oh, no, no, no, i'm not here
to fuck with you.

That's weird.

Oh.

Yo, yo, d-man!

What up?
Oh, super chill, bro.

Yeah. Uh, okay, so, danny,
i hate to interrupt

the whole swapping
of enchilada recipes,

but i really need your input
on something,

a little...
you know? A little somethin'.

Like what?
A little somethin', somethin'.

Oh, okay. Oh...

no?

Yeah, okay, i'll just be
thinking about you naked.

♪ I can't wait

♪ to get you off tonight

♪ i'll shift shape

♪ and make you soft tonight

♪ we can't fake it

♪ ooh, we can make it

♪ deep love

♪ ooh ooh

♪ deep love

♪ ooh ooh

♪ i can't hide

♪ when you go walking by

♪ oh oh oh oh

♪ make my day

♪ and take me home tonight

♪ but i don't mind

♪ let's take the time

♪ for deep love

♪ ooh ooh

where did you
get this shit?

Uh, some celebrity dealer
named javi.

He only sells to celebrities
and artists and stuff.

Well, javi's stuff tastes like shit.
Oh.

All right. All right, wait... wow,
you've tasted shit.

Listen.
I want everybody to listen.

Oh!
Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
i fuckin'--i got it.

All right, listen,

i-i want to make a speech
real quick...

shh!
So if everybody could give me a couple seconds,

that'd be fantastic.
Trevor, let's do it.

Jack, please. Um...

first and foremost, i-i would
love to toast to my parents

for giving me
this fucking amazing house

to use for the summer.
Can i get a "fuck yeah"?

Fuck yeah!
Thank you.

Also i would like to thank them
for the, um,

we counted. What was it, like,
15-- 15 gs.

15 gs for all the, uh...
oh.

Enabling...
whoo!

Elton, i wouldn't get
too excited.

You are probably literally
gonna o.d. tonight.

Um, can't--can't forget--

i-i gotta thank
turks and caicos

for being
so fucking beautiful.

It is a beautiful country, yes.

It really is.
Yes.

And last,
but definitely not least,

i want to thank my parents
for purchasing me

this fuckin'
amazingly hot maid

that i'm pretty sure i can do
whatever i want with

for the rest of the summer, right?
A fuckin' sex slave, huh?

Maria, maria.
You fuckin' fat...

it's a thyroid
problem. Maria.

Fiesta, por favor,
con all of us.

No, no, no, no...

dance. You know,
like a cucaracha or, uh,

what do they--what do they
fuckin' do in mexico?

I think it's something like...
♪ doo doo doo doo

♪ doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

you can do that if you want.
No, no, no...

speak american.

Fuck mexican language.
I don't understand that.

Why are you guys
talking to the help?

Shut up.
She's fuckin' hot.

But wait, wait, wait,
what is she hiding

under all of that?
Hey, i'm fucking hungry.

Tell her to make
some sandwiches.

Maria? Maria, over here.

Do you have, like, a swimming
suit, a bikini or something?

Because...
un bikini?

You could borrow mine
if you need to.

Tell her to go in her bra.
Ah!

Nude.
Yeah!

Jack, i'm gonna be honest
with you real quick.

I-i think she wants
to go in the pool.

I just don't know if she's ready for that...

so you should probably tell her.
Whoo-hoo!

Yes.
I think trevor's right.

Sorry, um, do you mind
picking up some of the, uh--

oh!

Do it! Just do it, baby!
Oh, ho ho!

Do it!

Oh, my god, she hit her head!

Hi, you've reached
karen mcdonaugh.

Please leave a message
after the tone.

Thank you.

Uh, hi, mom, it's trevor.

Uh, i was just calling to see
how you were doing.

Um, i really need
to talk to you.

I, uh...

i think i really fucked up
this time.

And, uh, so i really need you
to come home, please.

Please.

All right,
we have to bury the body. No, no,

you have to fuckin' bury the body.
Why do i have to bury the body?

Because you fuckin' killed her.
My mom's gonna be so fucking mad at me.

Shut the fuck up,
elton.

All right, i'll bury
the fuckin' body.

Elton, let's go.

Um, jack harvey
for william watkins.

Have a seat and i'll let him
know you're here.

'Sup?

Look, barry,
are you listening?

There's no way we're getting
into that deal at that price.

I'm telling ya,
land in fuckin' mexico

is too fuckin' cheap to go up
from where we are.

Look, just tell him
i'm not spending...

well, young mr. Harvey.

Fuck!

Ready to give the real world
a shot, huh? Looking for a job?

Yes, sir, mr. Watkins.
Your balls have dropped.

You can call me will now.
Okay, will.

Well, as you know, i've been
working...

working at my father's firm for, um...

you okay?
You want some water?

What the fuck?

Maria.

Maria.

Maria.

Oh, god. Trevor?

What the fuck?
That is--

that is such fuckin' bullshit, man.
No. No way.

Okay, bleeding from the ears
and eyes turning white?

That's physically impossible.
Absolutely not. False.

This guy might actually
smoke more weed than we do.

Okay, okay, tough crowd.

Didn't realize you guys
were so down.

All right, man.
You know what?

My dad has a whole cupboard
full of pills

we can just vandalize
if we want to.

Let's just get outta here.

You should listen
to your hombre here.

Yeah, well, you should mind
your own fuckin' business.

How about that?
Let's just get outta here.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, you guys hungry?

Um, no, thank you.

I had some tacos
on the way down already, so...

oh, yeah?
Where from?

Some fuckin' truck.
Why do you care? I don't know.

I used to have a friend
in the taco business.

He made the best tacos
north of barrio.

Yeah, well,
who doesn't make tacos in this fuckin' town?

That is very funny.

You don't mind
if i eat, do you?

Go ahead.
Sure.

Mmm. Fresh tacos.

So good.

You know,
my friend tio

who used
to make the tacos,

he had the best seasoning.

Just muy perfecto.

They say it was the, uh,
secret ingredient.

Tio's tacos is now open
for lunch.

Guys.

Guys. Guys, wait up
for me, man.

I'm trying to read you
this story.

We can hear you
from here, oggy.

And i don't need you
spittin' on me, man.

Okay. Okay, listen, guys,
this is important.

"Four teenagers have gone
missing in the last two weeks.

"Evidence suggests that
the county sherriff's department

"suggests that these cases
are all part of

and connected to
a serial kidnapping."

Dude, why are you always reading
depressing shit like this?

I mean, can't you
just enjoy the summer

like a normal human being?
Oh, okay.

You want me to live
like a normal human being?

Okay, so basically
what you're saying is for me

to live my life,
you know, go to the beach,

have a good time,
put on some sunscreen,

build a slip 'n slide,
you know,

have the best summer of my life
and pretend like nothing--

nothing's going on.

Oh, and if i get kidnapped,

yeah, that's just, like,
supposed to happen,

'cause that's the way
the world works, right?

If you got kidnapped,

the napper would be so bored
and tired and annoyed with you

that he'd have you back
before dinner.

Hey, uncle tio, what's happening, man?
Hey, tyrone.

How are you, bro?
I'm good. How you doing?

Good, man.
You ready for round two?

Oh, your tacos are killer, bro.
All right. What do you want?

Tres asada. Three asada.
Coming right up.

Nice.

You're gonna like these ones.
Oh, yeah?

Extra special just for you.
That so?

On the house, brother. Oh.

On the house?
On the house.

Órale, man.
Thanks, brother.

Now go fix those potholes for me.
Always, man.

Take care, huh?

Me and my homeys
were in the mgm grand,

and tony hawk came by--
yo, baby, you like tacos?

Fuck you.

You like tacos.
True.

What's up, guys?
Hey, tio.

What's up, man? What's going on?
What's wrong with him?

Oggy's scared
he's gonna get kidnapped.

Like anyone even wants him.
You kids are funny.

So what can i do for you?
Um, i'll take a number one,

no beans, no rice,
just the guacamole. Okay.

And, chad, i already
know what you want.

Two tacos, carne asada,
extra meat. You know it.

All right. What about you, oggy?
Oh, i'm not-- i'm not hungry.

What? You telling me
you don't want my tacos?

Well, i-i'm sorry, tio.

It's just--
i'm on a mission.

Planning on stopping
the kidnappings?

Well--well,
at least try.

I mean--i mean, the cops
aren't doing anything.

Well, let me know
if you need my help.

Okay? Let me get
those tacos for you.

Don't forget
the guacamole.

I will not forget
the guacamole.

It's already
ready to go.

Nice day today, huh? Yeah.

I always say
it's a great day for tacos.

Definitely.

Cheers. All right.
Bye, tio.

Are you going
to stop eating

every time something bad
like this happens.

Like the time you heard about
chelsea's older brother elton...

oh.
Dying in the bathroom?

You thought you were gonna go
blind for the next six months. Hey.

Hey, that's
a legitimate fear, okay?

You don't play around with that.
You don't touch that, okay?

He had 20/20 vision
before that,

and then suddenly he couldn't see, okay?
All right, oggy.

For sure.
Hey, guys.

Hey.
How do you like my tacos today?

A little spicier.
New recipe?

I added a little something extra.
Okay.

I'll tell you
my secret

if you help me prepare
for tomorrow's lunch.

Why? Where's hector?
Hector...

oh, hector.
He went back to barrio.

So any takers?
I got soccer tonight, man.

My mom's making me dinner
before she leaves town tomorrow.

Well, tio, i-i can help you.
I mean, i'm free, so...

great.
On one condition. Yeah.

What? You can't tell anyone my secret,
including these two.

Come on.
Come on, tio.

All right,
you got a deal.

All right? Deal. Thank you.
See you soon, okay?

All right, bye, tio.
Take care of yourself.

Bye, tio.
Bye.

Hey, dude, have you seen oggy?
I don't know. He's your friend.

I haven't talked to him
since last night.

He probably got his penis stuck
in an anthill again.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, so can we get
something to eat?

I've got the munchies.

Thank you.
Who's the freak show?

That's my brother les.

He's staying with me
while my mom's away.

What is wrong with him?
I have no idea.

Tio!

Tio! Tio!

Hey, kids,
what's up?

S-sorry, tio. Um, we just
thought you might have had

some more tacos for us.
Uh, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm fine.
I'm fine.

Just, uh, workin' hard,
you know?

Aren't you closed?

Yeah, yeah, i'm closed, but i'm
just finishing up some things.

You know, i'm getting
ready to go. I'm tired.

I'm real tired. Okay?
See you guys.

Uh...

what about the tacos?

Yeah, i'll get 'em
for you.

Oh, hey, tio,
uh, have you seen oggy?

Uh, yeah,
last time i saw him,

he was with, uh, you guys
having lunch.

Didn't he help you with
the new recipe last night?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, i-i
haven't seen him since then.

Oh, okay.
Mm-hmm.

All right.

See you later.
You guys take care.

That was weird.

I saw blood on his shoes.
Chad, he's a chef.

But it looked new.

Where's
your skateboard?

Oh, shit.
Be right back.

Tio?

Yeah.

Hello, chad.

Well, hey, tio.

My skateboard?

Thanks.

Take care
of yourself.

Okay, dude, there's just no way
you're right about this.

I swear to good, mims.
Chad, are you sure?

Yes, i-i saw his glasses with
a crack right down the frame.

Okay, chad, but it's tio.
I mean, how can we

accuse uncle tio
of being the kidnapper?

Kidnapper?
He's a fucking murderer.

I-i think i know
what happened to hector.

Yeah, me, too.
He moved back to barrio.

No, mims, he got hacked up
into little pieces by uncle tio.

Les! Les! Les!

Les!

What the fuck, yo?!
Don't turn that shit off!

Les, it's important.
Okay, i told you not to bother me

when i'm working
on my whip, meem.

Okay, that's--
that's sacred time.

Okay, les, have you seen
oggy by any chance?

The little freak with the glasses?
Yes.

That wears the high-up backpack
and the mad scientist haircut?

Yes.
The type of dude

who's gonna shoot up a school in three to five years?
Yes.

No, i don't think i've seen him.

Les, are you sure?

I'm as sure as this
north valley high

c.t.f. championship ring,

so, yeah,
i'm pretty fuckin' sure.

Oh, did you grab me some of those tacos?
No.

Tio was too busy
hacking up oggy.

What the fuck is this
little shit talking about?

Chad swears he saw oggy's
glasses bloody and broken

in tio's truck.
Yeah, right, okay, uncle tio--

uncle tio wouldn't hurt a fly.
He's like the town saint, okay?

He might as well be
my real uncle.

No, les, there's something
wrong with tio,

and it has something to do
with all those kids

that are disappearing.
No, no,

there's nothing wrong
with uncle tio, okay?

The only thing that's wrong
with uncle tio--

he's a kind-hearted mexican man

who's been serving
this community

for many years, okay?
Javi! Hey.

What's up, brother?
What--listen, not now, les. Please.

Enough of the sandbox
conspiracy theories, okay?

Scoot your boot.
Les!

Scoot your boot!

Your sister, dude.
You got what i need?

You mean a hit?
I fuckin' need more than a hit.

Let's do it.

Don't touch it.
Don't fuckin' touch it. Chilly.

Go away, you stupid cat.

Are you sure this shit
isn't laced, man?

It's making me feel
kinda funky.

Uh, no, homey.

I got it from some crackhead
from el barrio.

I told some kids that i got it
from some celeb dealer,

so i charged them, like,
twice the price.

You're a badass
motherfucker, javi.

Who the fuck is that
back there, dude?

Dude, relax.

That's
that taco guy.

Oh, it's uncle tio.
What a weird dude.

You bit your fuckin' tongue when
you talk about uncle tio, okay?

He's a good man.
Jeez, man, take it easy.

You know what?
I'm fuckin' sick of people

prejudging uncle tio before
they give him a shot, okay?

He's got a big heart and makes
a mean motherfuckin' taco.

Les, i didn't
mean it like that.

Yeah, well,
it hurt my feelings.

I wonder
what he's doing out

so fuckin' late
at night, man.

Maybe he's open
late nights.

Whoa, really?
You think so?

Oh, but it's like
fuckin' 3:45 in the morning.

That--that's too late.
That--that's weird.

So go find out.

And bring us back
some tacos.

You think so?
You think he would give us some? Yeah. Yeah.

Tacos would be good.

So i'm gonna do it.
Yeah.

Here, you take that.

Just don't--don't
smoke the rest of that, okay?

No, no.
Don't fuckin' smoke my shit.

Hey, bring back
some h-o-t sauce.

Puto.

Tio!

Tio?

Tio, dude, you--
you okay?

Fuck.

I'm coming to save you, tio!

Fuck!

Fuck, man.

What the...

tio's tacos are people.

Tio's tacos are people.

Tio's tacos are fucking people!

Les?

Les?

Who you tryin'
to get crazy with, ese?

Don't you know
i'm loco?

Les?

Les! Les, it's him.

Les, open the door, please!

"Mimi, i hope you've enjoyed
your family and friends

"for the last few years.

"Your brother helped me
make this for you.

Uncle tio."

Shit, shit, what do i do?

Where's my bat?
Where's my bat? Where's--

aah!

You can't beat me.

You're just a stupid-ass
little girl.

I've been doing this
my whole culinary life.

And human flesh...

oh, it just tastes better.

Hunting people
is so much more intimate

than hunting animals,

because we're so much easier
to catch!

This mole sauce?

It's your brother.
You're fuckin' crazy.

Fuck you,
you little bitch!

You love my tacos.

I'm uncle tio, remember?

That's right.

Dude, come on, man.

That's disgusting.
Man up, kyle.

I threw up on my shoes.
Oh, my god.

Looks like those tacos aren't
sitting that well, huh?

You really are
a twisted old fuck, man.

Dude, fuck this. I'm over it.
Can we leave, please?

Stop being a pussy, dude.
You ate some fuckin' bad tacos.

Boohoo. Listen, i know
you're fucking with us, man.

And i'm starting to think
pedro's not gonna show up.

So what the fuck
is going on?

Relax. Relax.

We're in the middle
of nowhere.

It takes time
to get out here.

Not all of us
have cars like you.

Sometimes our shit breaks down.

Don't be so jumpy.

There are a lot of wild animals
around here.

This is just a coyote.

Not like it's a monster
or anything.

But who's to say
what a monster is?

Maybe a monster to me
is not a monster to you.

And maybe a monster to you
is not a monster to me.

Or maybe a monster to me

is somebody
who kills his own kind.

I'm talking about...

human-on-human killing.

Hmm.

What if i were
to kill one of you,

no explanation necessary,

just cold-blooded murder?

Hmm. They say a monster
still lurks in this very area

in search for vengeance.

He was once the most feared
mexican killer there was.

He killed everything
that stepped in his path

till one day
some mexicans

killed his family

and thought they'd slain
the monster himself.

But every night

i can still hear
the groans

of his suffering

and the thirst
for his revenge.

♪ Getting too close,
better pull on back ♪

♪ sucker punches,
need a one-two ♪

♪ when you're talkin'
on the telephone ♪

♪ you don't
m-m-m-m-m-m-mumble ♪

♪ you got business,
need to follow through ♪

♪ yeah

buenos dias, amigos.

Y'all lookin' for work?

Sí.

Yeah? Well,
welcome to america.

Tu hablo ingles?
Uh...

po-poquito.
Ah, you mean, "yes, a little."

We're in america now, hombre.
Where y'all coming from?

Um, mexico.

Mexico. I know mexico.
What part?

Barrio? Barrio.
Beau, they're from barrio.

All right.
Y'all hungry, thirsty?

Sí. Sí?
Well, if y'all are lookin' for work,

we got plenty of it.
Why don't y'all hop up?

Come on, guys, don't be scared.

Don't be scared now.
My name's beau. This is cal. Howdy.

Welcome to america.
Come on up. Come on up here.

Come on.
We got plenty of room.

All right.
There we go.

You guys must be tired.

You all right there?

You guys make yourselves
at home back here.

I wish we had better seats
for y'all.

Hey, y'all thirsty?

Agua.

There you go, amigos.

Share it around.

Juan...

good morning,
mexicans!

Well, i hope y'all got
some good sleep,

'cause y'all are about to be
up for a very long time.

So without further ado,

my name's beau.

And i'm gonna be
your master of ceremonies.

Y'all know
my little brother cal.

Howdy-doody, y'all.

This here's our beautiful sister didi.
Hi, y'all.

And that handsome creature
back there

is our little
baby brother reggie.

But don't get too close.
He will fuckin' bite you.

So y'all know why you're here,
i presume.

You.

Por qué estás aquí?

Just let us go.

Please.
Let you go.

Let you go?

Y'all stepped on
red, white, and blue territory

without a hall pass, hombre.
Try again.

I promise. I promise
we'll just go back home.

Now what the fuck is in it for
us if we just let you go home?

Didi, tell him.
Nothin', beau. Nothin'.

She says nothin',
and i believe her.

So now the fun stuff.

Y'all might not know this,

but our daddy is a very powerful man.

He's someone i'd like to
introduce y'all to

at some point,
however,

he gets a little nervous
around big crowds.

So we're gonna bring
y'all back one at a time

to meet him.

So who's first?

Ah, hell,
i never liked picking.

Someone's feelings
always get hurt.

Cal, why don't you do it?

I don't know, beau.
This is hard.

I'll do it. I'll do it.
I'll do it. All right, didi.

But you pick
wisely now.

I know what to do.

Duck, duck!

Duck,

duck,

duck, duck,

duck, duck,

duck, duck, duck, goose.

Ah, it looks like you're the goose, hombre.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Time to meet el monstruo.

You're stupid.

I didn't kill you.

It's your fault, 'cause you're
not where you're supposed to be.

Blood.

Blood.

No, no, no.

Blood.

Aah!

This is your fault!

Aah!

♪ La la la
la la la la ♪

♪ cucaracha

♪ cucaracha

♪ la la
la-la la-la la ♪

you want to touch me?

I have a surprise
for you.

You like goats,
don't ya?

Oh. Ah. Oops.

Stay right there.

Pop. Hmm.

No, por favor!

No! No!

No, por favor!
No!

No! No!

No, por favor!

No! No!

Shut up.
This won't hurt none. No!

No, por favor!
No.

No, no.

Ah, yeah.

Goddamn, cal.

You got blood
everywhere.

I can never
get over dead mexicans.

You're disgusting.

Hey, wait a minute.

I forgot to ask you
your name.

I mean, we're gonna be
besties now.

Fuck you.
"Fuck you" is a really weird fuckin' name for a mexican.

Maybe for a chinaman.

Why the fuck are you
doing this anyway?

Because you were
trespassin'.

I wasn't trespassing.

I'm a fucking
american citizen, bitch!

I was just helping
my people.

Uh-oh, i'm killin'
one of my own.

Besides, you're not even
fucking american.

All you do is make 'em
look like trash,

like the fucking
white trash you are.

I'm gonna make you
my slave.

Oh, yeah?

Well, i think you messed
with the wrong mexican, bitch.

Oh, this is kinky!

That's kinky?
That's kinky for you?

Is this kinky for you,
bitch?!

Die, bitch, die!

Die, bitch, die!

You messed
with the wrong coyote.

Mmm.

Beans are really good.
Don't y'all think so?

Man, how come it takes you
two times to fry 'em?

You what?
You want some beans?

Hombre?

There's some beans.

Eat 'em.

Eat 'em.

You're hombre, right?

It's okay. I didn't say
you could use your hands.

Just eat 'em.

Put your hands down.
Just eat it.

You're hungry, aren't you?
Who else is hungry?

Anybody else hungry?

Eat it. Eat it.

Eat the beans.
No, senor.

Y'all won't do it?

Bang!

You don't gotta eat 'em.
Sorry, bro.

Here.

Maybe there's a few left.

Fee, fi, fo, fum,

i'm gonna find you.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Yo, this is p.

Hey, p.,
it's oscar, man.

Where you at, fool?

P., everything
went to shit.

Holler, dawg.

What's up, motherfucker?
Where you been?

We were caught.
By who?

Fuck, everything's
fucking up.

Motherfucker,
by who?

El monstruo.

Come on, man,

don't be joking
with me like that, ese.

I ain't joking with you,
asshole.

I saw him with
my own two eyes...

look, motherfucker, i'm gonna
tell you this 'cause i love you.

You're my brother.
You're my family.

Dude, el monstruo
is just a fucking myth

created by our american-hating
ancestors, motherfucker,

just to scare
the fuck out of us.

Christian, if i wanted
to be fucking with you,

i would be fucking with you,
son of a bitch!

Come help me out!
I need your help!

Please come down
here, dude!

Okay, motherfucker,
i'll be there. Where you at?

I don't know,
some fucking shitty park

north of a border town by barrio.
All right.

I'll be there, bro.
Okay, just-- just find me, dude.

Find me.

This motherfucker wants us
to go pick him up.

He's at a park outside
the barrio border, man.

Know where that is?

Let's go, man.

Motherfucker thinks
he saw el monstruo, ese.

What the fuck?

Been smoking too much crack, homey.

Órale.
Let's roll, dawg.

Oh, no.

I lost another mexican.

Beau is gonna be
so mad at me.

Oh, my god, p.,
el monstruo's gonna get us, p!

El monstruo's gonna get us!
Listen, son of a bitch,

for as much
as you're my brother,

i'll still kick your ass if you
keep making fun of that shit.

I know what i saw.

So you better fucking believe me
and stop shitting around.

You, too, p.

There's a lot
of people there,

and they all need
our fucking help! Okay?

So stop it!
Let's do something about it.

Okay, man. Just tell us
where the fuck he is.

Let's go get 'em.
Let's go get 'em, ese.

♪ Amazing grace

♪ how sweet the sound

♪ that saved a wretch

♪ like me

♪ i once was lost

♪ but now am found

♪ was blind

♪ but now i see

didi?

Didi?

Didi.

Didi.

Didi.

Hey! No! Didi.

Didi. Didi.

Didi! No!

Reggie,
who did this?

I don't know,
beau.

I don't know, beau. Shh.

It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay.

Looks like we got a mexican
on the loose, boys,

a very dead mexican.

Daddy,

didi's dead.

We got a breach,

but i'm gonna lock
this place down.

Really, y'all?
We already got our first

"mexican of the year" award,
huh? Congratulations.

See, the only problem
i got with that is

now i've gotta put you
on lockdown

while we hunt
that motherfucker down.

We will hunt him down.

And when we find him,

we're gonna gut him like the pig he is.

No,
no... you little shits.

No, no.

Oh, you--you are pretty,
you know?

It's okay.

You see, i'm not like
my brother beau.

I know that a good mexican...

no. No. It's okay,
i wouldn't hurt you.

Bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang!

Crazy fuck.

Hey, where you goin',
dawg? Huh?

Where the fuck you goin'?
Aah!

That's right.
You got an axe, homey.

I got a blade, ese.

You should be able
to take me down, no?

What the fuck you waiting for?

Aah!

Should i kill you

or let you bleed out,
cabrón?

Boo!

Somebody missed
ol' cal.

Yeah. Did you realize

you messed with the wrong
mexicans, puto?

See, the thing is,

i love messing
with the wrong mexicans.

So are you gonna shoot
or just point that shit at me?

Huh?
How would you like it?

Well, puto, you and me
have a lot in common.

You know that, right?
What's that?

Just like you,
i have a brother.

A dead one.
He's a lot smarter.

Okay.

And he's standing
right behind you.

This ain't our first time
at the rodeo, fucker.

I'm gonna kill
all these mexicans.

I'm gonna kill
all of you motherfuckers!

So it seems the tables have turned, eh?

Puto?

Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

Listen to me.

Let me introduce myself.

I'm oscar, and that there
is my brother christian.

Christian?
Oh, that's funny.

I don't speak spanish.
I don't give a fuck.

But you know what?

I just noticed
that me and my bro here

might be just a little bit
more crazier, you know,

more loco than you.
I don't think so, motherfucker.

And i ain't crazy.
I'm just an american hero.

Oh, american hero.

You know what?
Shut the fuck up, motherfucker!

You know,
we're still talking, man. Aah!

Listen to him!
Me and my brother are in a fuckin' dilemma.

You've caused so much shit
to my fuckin' people,

it's not even funny.
It's not even fair.

There's no punishment
i could do to you,

you little piece of white trash,
that would even compare

to what you've done to my people.
Hey, hey.

I've got a little itch
on my nose.

Can you get it?
Yeah, sure, man.

So i've got three options
for you, motherfucker.

First one is i put a bullet
through your fuckin' head.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?
It'd be quick and easy,

call it a day.
But no, motherfucker.

That's not what you deserve,
you piece of white trash.

Option number two,

we torture the fuck out of you, motherfucker.

We make not even be able
to walk, talk,

or even see right, motherfucker.

Imagine yourself like this,
all cross-eyed and shit.

That's right, bitch...

i get some of my homeys
in here,

give you a taste
of your own fuckin' medicine,

you piece of white trash.
Hope you like it.

That's right.
Okay, well...

could you do me a favor
and brush some teeth?

Or i got some gum
in back pocket.

You can take care of that
dog shit breath of yours.

All right, bitch.
Y'all know who my daddy is?

You know who
my fuckin' daddy is?!

Aah!

I know who your fuckin' daddy is.

I know who he is.
He's el monstruo, no?

Oh, by the way, i don't know
if you know our little nickname.

Me and him...

oh, yeah,
the brothers coyote, huh?

Sure,
i heard of you.

That's right, motherfucker.

Brothers coyote
for you, motherfucker.

Not only are you gonna die...

but you're also gonna see
your dad die, motherfucker.

'Cause we're gonna kill
that son of a bitch.

That's right,
we're gonna kill him.

That legend is gone.

El monstruo's over,
motherfucker.

I'm done
with your shit, puto.

Yo, homeys, get in here.
Have fun, motherfucker.

Bring it,
hermanos coyotes!

Fuckin' bring it! Come on,
let's go! Shut the fuck up.

Whoo!

Hermanos coyotes,
motherfucker!

God bless america!
God bless you!

El monstruo.

Nice to finally meet you,
fucker.

You know you got it coming to you.
Yeah.

Looks like we got ourselves

a good old-fashioned
mexican standoff, motherfucker.

What the fuck
you laughing at, payaso?

Don't you know brown
is the new red, white, and blue?

Puto. That's right.

Let's go, motherfucker.

♪ I hope this song

♪ will be the end

so what do you think
about that?

What do i think?
I think you're pedro.

And i think you have our fuckin' drugs.
I think you are mistaken.

Now i'm gonna ask you one more time... bryan,
what the fuck?

Pedro, where the fuck
are our drugs?

You know,
telling all these stories

is making me
hungry again.

Bryan, this guy is
obviously a fucking lunatic.

Can we please just leave?
No, we can't leave.

Okay, we came here for drugs.
I'm not leaving without 'em.

I wish tio was here

so i could have some
of his delicious tacos.

You know what?
If you want to stay here

with the cannibalistic
taco guy, be my guest.

I'm fucking leaving,
with or without you.

Wait. I have
one more story.

No, fuck you. Okay? And fuck
your stupid fairy tales.

I'm gonna give you
five seconds.

If i don't have
my fuckin' drugs,

i'm gonna put a hole
in that big brown head of yours.

It's about two young gentlemen... five...

who snuck
into barrio country...

four... and were looking for drugs.

Three... pedro,
he's not fucking around.

Bryan, put the gun away.
They were looking for trouble

in all the wrong
places.

Two--bitch, i will shoot you
out of principle.

They were in
over their heads,

got chopped up
into tiny pieces,

served to homeless
mexicans.

One!
Bang!

What's the matter,
hombre?

You never killed
anybody before?

What's so fuckin' funny, man?

Me neither.

Let me introduce you
to my friend pedro.

Hola, amigo.

Welcome to barrio,
amigos.

I have to take this.

Hola. This is pedro.

Yes, i have ecstasy.

Of course i have ecstasy.

Cocaine, marijuana.
I got it all.

You know where barrio is?

♪ I'm a big bad hawk

♪ i like to fly in the dark

♪ i'm a big bad hawk

♪ i'm leavin'

♪ buh buh-buh buh
buh-buh ♪

♪ b-b-big bad wolf

♪ just roamin' around

♪ b-b-big bad wolf

♪ saying hi to the ground

♪ don't step on the rocks

♪ you're makin'
too much noise ♪

♪ there's mrs. Smith's sons

♪ they're wild boys

♪ you gonna come around here