Barely Lethal (2015) - full transcript

I never knew my parents.

The only thing I ever knew
was Prescott.

It was a top-secret
government-run school

that turned little girls
into killing machines.

Not bad.

Burn it again.

Back of the line, Grandma.

97, you're up!

Move!
Time trial starts in 3,

2,

1.



Hardman, the head of Prescott,

had some unique ideas
about education.

It's all about putting holes
in the subject.

See what I mean?

Ladies, prepare
to spring some leaks.

Engage!

It's all about vulnerability.
Eyes...

Now, we may have
all been orphans,

but we were never allowed
to become a family.

Carotid arteries.

Pens up!

To be a Prescott
is to be an island.

It is you
and you alone out there.

What do we say, ladies?



No attachments!

No... attachments.

Yeah, that part
never sounded right to me.

Engage!

I was good at everything else.

The best, actually.

As much as I wanted
to make friends,

that was just never
gonna happen here.

Begin.

Bad intentions, ladies.

Bad intentions.

Every punch has a purpose.

Strike and move.

Strike and move.

Flow.

Elbows, knees.

React.

Hammer fist, ladies.

You're not training
to save your lives.

You're training
to take someone else's.

Bitch.

I was the first one
in my class to be activated.

As usual,
84 didn't take it well.

MOSCA

It takes a certain mindset
to do this kind of work.

That's why they
get to us so young.

Plus, who would ever
suspect a kid?

Not this guy.

What can I say?

He trained us well.

BERLINO

Sure, I got to see the world...

But what I couldn't help notice

was this whole other world
I was missing.

SHANGHAI

I wanted to know
what normal kids did,

so I started gathering intel.

Meet Victoria Knox:

American expat
turned arms dealer.

If you're a terrorist
and you want to kill some folk,

this is the person you call.

Don't let her good looks
fool you.

She has an I.Q. of 140,

and she will use it
to kill you.

She was last seen in Corsica
3 years ago,

until she resurfaced
eight hours ago,

and will probably be gone
in eight more,

unless we bring her in.

Correction:

Unless you catch her,
Agent 83,

and bring her in, alive.

- Wait, what?
- Simmer down.

- You're B-Team, 84.
- B-team?

This should be my mission.

I studied the case file.

She's over there sniffing Kesha,
the new fragrance by Kesha.

I said Simmer...

You need to get your head
in the game, Agent 83,

because Victoria Knox
will take it off.

If we follow the profile,

everyone will come home safely.

- And remember, we're not in...
- In the rescue business.

What she said.

Gear up.

We're wheels up in 1 hour.

CECENIA

Knox was a legend.

Ruthless, vindictive...

And she had a thing
for taking out prescotts.

Got some bad news:
You're dead.

Hey, guys.

You make them comfortable?

36 hours alone in the box.

Oh, good.

Good, good, good.

Copenhagen?

Hi.
Peek-a-boo.

Copenhagen's mine.

Johannesburg, remember me?

Like having a gun to your face?

Feels good, doesn't it?

And you...

Finally got you.

Gotcha.

You got nothing, kid.

What do you plan
to do with that?

Still playing dress-up
with 007-year-olds.

Where is she?

You missing someone?

You mad at me?
Let's just say.

Let's just say I'm a little disappointed
with your life choices.

Sit her ass down somewhere.

Hi.

What's your name?

83,
come back.

83,
come in if you hear me.

Give us a visual, anything.

83.

Sign me, come in.

83, come in.

Give us a sign
you're down there.

I didn't plan for it
to turn out like this,

but there was
no turning back now.

This was my chance to escape.

83, this is your last chance.

Sir, no visual, no audio.

She's not responding.

Mark it.

83...

Inactive.

I couldn't believe it.

Mission high school
was a go.

Last chance to back out.

Foreign exchange student
was your idea.

Yeah, six years ago.

- Hi.
- Hi!

Hi, I'm Megan.

Do we hug?

Well.
What do you do in your family?

It's different there.

Hugs are good.

- Okay. Hi.
- Hi.

I'm penny.
Hi.

This is Parker.

Hey, Parker.

This is Liz.

Of course.

Ew, no. Don't touch me till
I've seen your papers.

- Elizabeth.
- What?

Oh, Mr. Larson.
Hey!

- Oh, my good...
- Whoa.

- Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
- Come on.

I'm so sorry.

- Excuse us.
- Oh, is he... I...

I saw in the profile,
the picture of all of you.

No, no, no. It's okay.
It's just the three of us.

I'm-I'm divorced.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No no, I' fine.

I'm fine...
we are fine.

You know, even better, actually,
you know.

Some people make it work.

Others, you know, they run off
with a pharmaceutical rep

and spend your life savings
on a pontoon boat.

But we're good, so...

Are your parents still together?

Mine are dead.

I'll get the car.

Well, I think what you're
doing is very brave.

Adjusting to a new culture
is hard.

You know what else is hard?

Ninja training.

But I do it anyway.

Is that how you
hurt your arm?

Nope, fell off his bike.

It was ninja training.

Okay, and I guess dad's

just gonna pontoon back
any day now too, huh?

Okay, Elizabeth...

Let's not ruin dinner.

I'm a shadow warrior.

Yeah?
That's cool.

I'm a secret agent.

Um, well, if there's anything

that's special
that you'd like to do,

you know, you can just
make a list,

and I'm sure Lizzy
would be thrilled,

thrilled to show you.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

I would love
to take the school bus.

Peter Dinardo
pooped on the bus.

Okay, Parker.

- What?
- No poop.

I know a poop
when I see one.

You can't fight with that.

1, that's disgusting.

2, I am not riding the bus.

But it's a quintessential
high school experience.

So is mono.

What is mono?

Kids get it from kissing.

It's like mouth aids.

You seriously
just ruined my appetite.

Hey.

You have everything you need?

Yeah, just prepping.

Is transpo still at
0700?

Transpo?

The bus, sorry.

Oh, yeah, no,
it usually rolls by at 7:00.

Okay, got it.

You know, we're really glad
you're here.

Thanks.

Me too.

Okay.

Good night.

Okay.

Normal 16-year-old,
normal 16-year-old.

Fresh meat.

Oh, my god.

Jeez...

Freak show!
What do you want from me?

I thought we could
walk together.

Are you on bath salts?

It's like you have social herpes
and you want to...

Spit it back in my mouth.

That's... that's really gross.

So is your makeup.

God, you look like you had
a one-night stand

with Mr. Potato head.

Look, I have 9 months,
3 weeks, and 5 days

until I escape
this post-pubescent psych ward,

and you are not
gonna mess this up.

Just...

Wipe all that off,

put these on, and just...

Try not to talk to me.

Okay?

Welcome, Vikings.

Hey, everyone.

Now, let's see
some school spirit.

Come on, spell it with me.

Come on, V-I-K-I...

Okay.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna spell it by myself, huh?

All right, well,
I have great news.

Our campus is now
a nut-free zone.

Yeah, finally!

Absolutely, Gooch.

That's right.

As long as I'm principal,

you will never see
another student

with nuts in their mouth.

No promises!

Yeah, it's gonna be
a long year, I see.

I'm also excited because,
for the first time,

Newton high school
is participating

in a brand-new foreign
student exchange program.

You know we need
more diversity.

We only have, like,
two Cambodians

and one Mexican.

I take it this is
your first assembly.

Yeah.

Isn't this awesome?

Uh... not usually.

But okay.

Are you a member
of the band?

No, I'm actually more
on the engineering side.

I do the lighting board
and design.

Oh, look at that, wow.

So that's your thing, then.

A/V geek.
I got it, I got it.

I saw 10 things I hate
about you.

Right, yeah.
No, it's just like that.

Right, I figured.

Only not the '90s.

You know, just,
whatever happens out there,

don't let 'em get to you.

Right.

All right, well,
please join me

in welcoming
our foreign exchange student,

all the way from exotic...

Oh, come on, man.

Canada?
For real?

Please put your hands together
for Megan Walsh.

- That's you.
- Yeah, that's me.

Show her some love,
Megan Walsh.

Come on, vikings,
make some noise.

Yeah!

- Come on, people.
- Thank you.

Hey, guys, I'm Megan.

I'm from Regina, Saskatchewan.

I'm really psyched to join
the long and proud legacy

of Viking Alumni.

Hey, did you say Regina?

Yeah, Saskatchewan.

Go back to Regina!

Okay, Gooch.

Canada sucks a dick!

What are your pajamas
all "aboot"?

Why are you here?
Go home!

No, no, guys... shh, please.

Take back Bieber...

Take back Bieber!

Take back Bieber!

Stop, stop, stop.

Megan from Canada.

Oh, Cash!

Megan from Canada, everyone.

Hey, they can be a tough crowd.

Don't worry about it;
You're gonna be nickel.

Thanks.

Totem pole.

Totem pole.

Thank you.

Wow, what an entrance.

What an entrance.

Okay, let's give it up
for a little rock group

that was number 24

on the iTunes download list
back in march,

Newton high's own...

Emotacon!

There she is.

Hey, Megan.

Hi, I'm Missy.

I am so sorry

about that behavior
at assembly.

Kids can be so cruel.

Want to join us?

Come sit, come sit.

Wow, sure.

Thanks, I...

Pom-poms, huh?

You're cheerleaders, aren't you?
Oh, absolutely.

I know what angle
you're running.

Angle?

- Oh, I've seen mean girls, twice.
- Okay.

You're gonna invite me to sit,
then weaken my defenses,

and then embarrass me
in some elaborate prank

to assert your social dominance.

- What?
- Nice try.

I thought we were nice.

Gooch, enough
with the paper airplanes.

Welcome back, welcome back.

First day blues, I get it.

All right, take your seats.

Put your books on your tables

and open them up
to the first page.

No, don't, Gooch!

- Yeah.
- Gooch.

Sorry.

Why can't you be
more like cash, huh?

See?
He's got his book out, right?

- Hi.
- You need a seat?

Look at my beautiful boy.

Megan from Canada, right?

Love that mouth.

A/V geek?

Yeah, well, it's Roger.

All right, here.

You hungry?

- Nope.
- Okay.

Sit down.

Thanks.

I-I guess you didn't need that.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I hope he didn't
"Kermit" suicide.

I heard this class
is "ribbiting."

Well, I wouldn't
"leap" to conclusions.

Mr. Drumm can be pretty rough.

Hey!
New girl!

Focus!

Told you so.

Okay...
Hey, uh...

I know everybody got
to sit with their buddies today,

but I'm the one
who chooses the lab partners.

So tomorrow the seating chart
shall be up,

and we'll have a wonderful time.

Now, get out of here!

I'm not kidding.
Get out of here.

Go.

It was nice knowing you.

Bup-bup-bup-bup.

Hold on there, mister.

Hold on there.

I know what you're
doing after school.

- What?
- You're jammin' with me.

You know, I play
a little slide trombone.

You know slide trombone.

Yeah.

- Let's jam.
- Sure.

Let's have a sesh.

All right.

- Cool.
- I like your spunk.

- Okay.
- Get out of here.

Oh, Canada...

Cash ~ Megan.

Okay, I'll be here at 4:00
to pick you up.

I'll text you
if I'm running late.

You do the same, okay?

Yep.

I want to know your 20
every 20.

But no 4:20.

I'm serious.

What am I talking about?

You're talking about weed?

- How do you know that?
- What do you mean? Because...

What are you,
Harold and Kumar?

No, I'm a teenager,

and I go to high school, so...

I mean, I'm not saying
that I smoke weed,

- but people smoke weed...
- Don't. It's a gateway drug.

It is a gateway drug.

You smoke weed,
and then, guess what,

meth...

Equals death.

Crack is whack.

Coke's no joke.

See how it all rhymes
like that?

It's like a poem
about dying from drugs.

Hey, I got to go, okay?

Hey.

Also, hash is very bad for you,

'cause it's more intense
than weed.

It's, like, really compact,
and you'll freak out.

I had a major freak-out.

Okay.
Hey, hello.

Hey.

Hey...

It's so funny
we ended up together.

Yeah, biology's
kind of tricky,

and you seem really smart.

Yeah, it's definitely
a good match.

Um, hi.

I think you're in my seat.

Hi, cash.

You're in her seat.

Hi, cash.

Trust me.
I'm at station six.

Yeah, no.
I'm pretty sure I'm there.

Did everybody find
their seats okay?

Come on, Canada,
out of my seat.

Every year, I pick
a very special someone

to be my lab assistant.

And guess what,
who's it gonna be?

Eenie, meenie, miney...

Cash.

Come this way, brother.

Struttin' like a rock star.

And you two females,
you can be partners.

Have fun with Regina.

Cold, hard Cash.

Get over here, Mister.

Megan, hi.

I couldn't help noticing
you're into cash, huh?

I don't blame you.

If I wasn't such a strict vegan,

I'd be, like, all over that.

Tell me about it.

So ironic, though,

all of those groupies and sluts

that constantly hang
all over him.

Yeah, they're not
even his type.

What is his type?

Girls who like dressing up.

Like models?

Not even close.

- Mascots.
- Mm-hmm.

All my high school research suggests
that they're awkward loners,

not musical enough
for the band,

too uncoordinated for track.

I know it sounds weird,

but school spirit,
it's, like, really big here.

And cash loves school spirit.

Yeah, why do you think
emotacon performs

- at, like, every pep rally?
- School spirit.

Yeah, I mean, who wants to be

some rando screaming at him
from the audience?

I wouldn't.

But mascots,
they go backstage.

They go backstage.

You would have him
all to yourself.

Mano a Mano.

Mano a Mascot.

But, hey, you should hurry, huh?

'Cause you don't want
somebody else to get that spot.

Yeah, like, totem pole.

Totem pole.

Great, thanks.

Yeah!

- How'd I do?
- Yeah, that's great, kid.

A lot of spirit.
Job's all yours.

Yes.

95, 96, 97,
98, 99...

1,000.

"Two roads diverged
in a yellow wood,

and sorry I could
not travel both".

And be one traveler,
long I stood...

Megan.

Care to join us?

Two paths in the woods.

Probably an ambush.

I'd wait until nightfall when
they're asleep and vulnerable,

then advance inside a tree line,

maybe rig a trip wire

in case he's trying
to double back.

Okay.

Well, Liz...

I'd be locking my door tonight
if I were you.

Sweet answer, weirdo.

And anyone else?

Whatever that was,

but minus the serial killer
part of it.

Move.
Move.

Go, team, go!

What are you doing?
Who sent you?

I surrender!
I surrender!

- Who are you?
- I'm Leonard Steinman.

I'm a sophomore at Lincoln.

Just wanted to hold
the mascot ransom.

It's tradition.

Kidnapping is
a high school tradition?

Yeah.

High school tradition.

Not the face, not the face.

Sweet moves, Canada.

Hey, Megan.

Hey.

You alright?

Really lost your head
out there.

I got to go.

I'm sorry.

Oh, god.

- There he is.
- Yup.

How we doing, sport?

- Good.
- All right.

Who... who's the girl there?

- She's just a new student.
- Yeah, all right.

But you think she's cute, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, she's really cute.
- Yeah.

What do you call 'em,
like, a hottie?

Is that... what do you...
is it a...

A hottie biscotti?

No.

You just say, like,
"oh, she's hot."

Yeah, yeah.
Just like a babe.

- Yeah.
- Or you say, like, a bitch?

- Like, "hey, look at this bitch."
- No, I wouldn't...

I wouldn't say that.
That's so rude.

Yeah, sorry about that.

- Can we just go home?
- Yep.

But, you know,
your old man is here to talk

if you want to talk
about anything at all.

Yeah, I know.

Okay.

- Like sex or...
- I...

Intercourse, or...

- Let's go, dad.
- Let's go.

Oh, come on, 83, think.

Fall back on your training.
Stick to the profile.

Ugh, this profile's all wrong!

Hey.

What's going on, honey?

All this intel, it's wrong.

I can never show my face again.

I've got it all wrong,
all wrong.

It's everything, I...

It's like I'm suffocating. But...

Simulated drowning,
that, I can...

That, I can deal with.

Just, this stuff
is so much worse.

I can't... I can't do it.

I can't take
another second of it.

It's just... it's...

It's high school.

That's all it is.

Hey, look.

Come here.

You know...

Some thrive,

and it's the best years
of their lives.

Others...

Others spend four years
being mocked

for wearing a thick black ribbon
in their hair like Madonna

in the lucky star video.

- What?
- Oh, Google it.

But we suffer through it,

not because we're being strong

or staying true
to our personal style,

but because taking
that ribbon off

would mean revealing
to those bastards

the tiny bald spot we were
hiding in the first place.

Hypothetically.

Look, what you're feeling
is normal.

High school is
a conflicting time.

Okay.

Parental advice terminated.

Bring it in.
Give me a hug.

Okay.

Stop. I had it taken
care of years ago.

I hope you've enjoyed
our hospitality.

It's all right.

All you got to do is give me
the name of your supplier.

I'll see to it
you rot here in dignity.

Showers once a week.

That I word box set.

French toast on Sundays.

That's really nice of you.

We both know everybody talks.

We also both know
that I'm not just anybody...

Am I, Dumbledore?

If you played
your cards right,

we might even let you come back
and play for the good guys.

The good guys?

You destroy lives.

Only those
that need to be destroyed.

I'm not talking
about the targets.

Sir, I have something
you need to...

But, sir...

She's cute.

Last chance to talk.

Fine.

Don't go anywhere.

Yeah, I'll be right here.

You know what I like

about the people
I do business with?

They know they're assholes.

Something funny?

You'll regret this.

She's here.

Yeah!

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

Regina!

- What's going on?
- Is that a joke?

85,000 views
since just last night.

I'm viral?

Like HPV.

Even Rape-It Ralph is a fan.

Aw, dude, check this out.

This guy's about
to get trombonered.

Just like... right there.
Damn, oh!

Yo, she showed
those d-bags from Lincoln.

Hey, this is why
you don't mess with us vikings.

Hell yeah!

Regina.
Regina.

Regina, Regina...
Regina, Regina...

Whatever.

She's gonna get really
fat in college.

I don't get it.

I'm on camera
acting bat-shit psycho.

That's usually what
gets people trending.

No, no, no, no,
I can't be on the Internet.

That's bad, Liz.
That's really bad.

There you are.

So, um, we're jammin'
this weekend.

Why don't you stop by?

That's my favorite part!

Yeah, sure.

Sounds nickel.

Nickel?

- Awesome, catch you then.
- Catch you then.

Obviously not all bad.

Look, you may have
all of these people fooled,

but you and I both know

that you are sketchier
than a 2 A.M. Waffle house.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
- No.

You really shouldn't
sneak up on people.

No-no, no-no.
It's totally my mistake.

Okay.

You okay?

- Sorry.
- Welcome.

Thanks.

This place is really cool.

Got some ice.

Oh, thank you so much.

You know, I'm not...

I'm not as fragile as
my easy takedown would suggest.

- No.
- You caught me off guard.

- Right.
- Usually I can defend myself.

I did notice
that inner buffness, I did.

Oh, Thanks.

So you're on pace

to beat Emotacon's
last video release, huh?

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, how do you
turn off the Internet?

Really?

You know, a lot of people would
kill for that kind of attention.

Yeah, I don't know.

I just prefer to stay
below the radar.

Okay, so maybe you steer clear

of anymore Tae Kwon Do
smackdowns, eh?

That was actually more a mix
of Krav Maga and Aikido.

Tae Kwon Do
is what I just did on you.

But when faced
with multiple opponents,

it's...

- What?
- You're weird.

Yeah, but I like it.

It's cool.

Were your parents
in the military or something?

Oh, sor...
Are parents a bad topic?

They both died
when I was really young.

I was raised by a foster family.

Sorry, I had no idea.

- I'm stupid.
- No, it's fine.

- How would you have known?
- I don't know.

Well, I'm sorry.

Just don't let it happen again,
or you might need more icepacks.

Oh, yeah, Lara Croft? You know what?
I want a rematch.

- Do you?
- Yeah, put 'em up.

- All right.
- Let's see.

Pop.

Here, hit it.

- Really? I don't want to hurt you.
- Yeah.

Okay, come on.

Ooh, it hurts.
Oh, it stings.

- Come get the ice.
- I need the ice.

Rogerito, are we set up?

Uh, yeah.

Just give me one second.

I could just...

- Hey.
- Hi.

- I'm glad you could make it.
- Me too.

Do you think you could
do me a favor?

I could try.

Yeah?
Come on.

So I'm working on
this new song, but...

I'm just so inside of it.

I could use an honest opinion,
if you don't mind.

No.

It's pretty rough,
so... be gentle.

You're handling it pretty well.

What's that?

The fame monster.

She can be a beast.

So...

It's nice talking to someone
who understands the pressure.

Thanks.

Yeah.
No, that's...

That's me.

Pressure understander-er.

You know, that guard
totally would have seen you.

Uh-uh, no way.

- I was in stealth mode.
- Stealth mode?

A compound like this would have
counter-intel out its ears.

Motion sensors,
Hyperspectral imaging.

There's no way you could
just tiptoe down the hall.

A high-value target
is never gonna be vulnerable

to a face-to-face takedown.

- He's not?
- No, look, you've got to...

engineer a passive campaign
of mental anguish,

basically alienating the target
from those closest to him.

He'll withdraw,
paranoia and suspicion grow,

and eventually
he'll just kill himself.

I'm not sure if there's
a button for that.

Right, um...

Just choke him out
with that lamp cord, then.

Nickel.

Thanks, babe.

I should...
I should probably get going.

Yeah, no doubt.

But, hey, listen,
before you bounce,

Gooch's 'rents are out of town,

so we're throwing down
this Friday.

You got to be there.

Are you serious?

Parents-away-in-Europe party?

Oh, my God, this day
cannot get any better.

Um, Pittsburgh, I think.

But Gooch's parties
are legendary.

You down?

Down.
I'm down, yeah.

Nickel.

- Totem Pole.
- Totem Pole.

Greetings, 83.

Good evening, 83.

How did you find me?

Same way I learned
to tie a bow tie

and slice a pineapple:

Youtube.

So who you working for, hmm?

Eastern Bloc?
Acevedo over at Langley?

I'm not working
for anybody, okay?

Why don't we skip the lies

and just let Pedro here
go ahead and do his thing?

You down with that?
That'd be hot, right?

Hardman, please.

You know what?
Stand down, Pedro.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go ahead
and cut right to the truth...

- Serum.
- Seriously?

Those don't even work.

Yeah, seriously.

Now we're gonna see
if it works.

Why have you run away?

83.
83.

One more time.

Why did you run away?

You deprived me
of my childhood.

I couldn't just raise my hand
and say,

"Excuse me, sir,

"I don't think I really
want to be an assassin.

"Can I please be excused from this
secret mountain killing school?"

Please, please, can we just...

Stop the waterworks?

Hey, let's get
to the bottom of this.

Who are you working for?

Nobody.
I'm not working for anybody.

I promise.

Okay, I worked for sbarro
for a few weeks over the summer

just to make some extra cash.

I didn't think you'd mind.

Aziz Fataah Sbarro?

When the hell
were you in Lebanon?

Sbarro Pizzeria.

It's the world's largest.

Mall-based Italian
restaurant chain.

They make these
amazing garlic knots.

Amazing garlic knots.

I just want to be normal.

You're a Prescott.
Prescotts don't cry!

Why is she crying?

Her struggle to find
her own identity?

The emotional turbulence
of a first crush?

Maybe she watched the notebook
one too many times.

Adolescence is a very volatile
time for a young woman.

He so gets me.

83!

You are a rogue agent.

This has got to end.

Okay, okay, okay.
Hold on now.

You can't just take me.

Missing girl in a small town

would throw up
all kinds of red flags.

Amber alert, hello?

I need to go back
and tie up loose ends,

at least just say my grandma
got sick or something.

I like it.

Okay, but it's got
to be done now.

You understand?

Megan from Regina...

- It's pronounced...
- I know how it's pronounced.

Megan from Canada...

Has got to disappear.

Forever.

You got it?

All right, cut her loose.

Hey, ninja turtle, come on.

Wash up, bed.

Parker, where did you get that?

- Oh, my God!
- Sorry, Megan!

Go, go, go!

Hey, are you okay?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm great.

- Okay.
- The key is to tuck and roll.

I'm sorry,
tuck and what?

Were those secret agents?

They were, Parker, yes.

But I'm fine.
No, I'm okay.

I mean, look at this.

The sun is out.

The clouds are shining.

Oh, you are Parker,
and you are Liz.

- You're scared of me.
- Hell yes, I am.

Not... not just me, though.

I mean, you fear the world.

Every morning you dress yourself
in this cloak of sarcasm.

But stripped bare
of this defense,

you'd be forced
to forge true connections

within your peer group,

allowing people
to see the true Liz.

Pull back the veil, Elizabeth.

I won't reject you.

You talk funny.

Another fine observation,

you sensitive boy
with no father figure.

Oh, my God!

Okay, she so gets you.

Shut up and grab her ankles!

You okay?

Yeah, I must have
sort of slept weird.

I feel like I've been tossed
from a moving car.

Oh, I know that feeling.

So, are you going
to Gooch's party?

I don't know.
I mean...

It's just my dad's not really big
on parties, so... I'll have to ask.

Overprotective?

Hypervigilant, domineering,
intrusive.

- Any of those work.
- I know what you mean.

My foster parents could be
pretty controlling sometimes.

Oh, yeah?
What, did they ground you a lot?

More like
solitary confinement.

Wow, Canada really does suck.

I was never really
given a chance

to figure out what I want.

I practically had
to fake my own death

just to get out of there.

Well, I mean, at least
you stood up for yourself.

That's cool.

Just sometimes I wish
I had a way out.

A way out... of here?

Why would you ever want
to leave these place?

I guess it's just time
for something new.

I guess that's
what college is for.

But I don't know.

I mean, have you thought
about what's next for you?

No.

- No?
- No, actually.

I've been so focused
on this year,

- I haven't really thought about it.
- Well, you should.

You know, you got
a whole life ahead of you.

It doesn't matter.
You know, whatever you do,

I'm sure it'll be impressive.

- You really think so?
- Yeah.

I mean,

I've never seen you do something
that wasn't impressive, so...

Hey, guys.

- I'm gonna have a party.
- Sweet.

- Bring your friends, but no dudes.
- Okay.

That was a really nice thing to say.
Thank you.

Listen, so... Gooch's party.

Oh, we can talk
about it later.

No, no, I want
to talk about it now.

No, you should go.

Seriously, it's cool.

You should really
come to the party.

It could be your way out.

We'll see.

Wait. Mom, you're not, like,
letting her to go that, are you?

Sure.
Honey, what's the big deal?

Well, for starters,

she was passed out
in the front yard last night.

Well, maybe she had
too much to drink.

And that's just suddenly
okay with you?

I know having another girl
in the house

might be causing
some jealousy issues,

but this needs to stop.

Okay, well,
then I don't think

that this party will be
a safe environment for her.

- Why is that?
- Because...

Gooch is gonna be there,
and Gooch is a pig.

In business class,
he had this proposal

to have a pirate-themed
restaurant

where after dinner
you have the option

to plunder your waitress.

Well, if you think
it's gonna be that dangerous,

then I think you need
to go with her.

- What?
- Yeah, you two can

walk the plank together.

Are you... is that a joke?

You're going.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, and try
to have some fun.

Oh, that's sick.

"Oh, don't tase me, bro."

Parker.
Oh, my God.

Parker.

Where do you get these things?

Honey.
Parker.

You look cute.

Thanks.

You too.

This is awesome.

Yeah.
Like a bally's total fitness.

Yeah!

Freedom!

Give me your drink, bro.

Well, I'm gonna need
to black that out, so...

Keg?

I'm okay!

Yeah,
I'm okay...!

No, but, true story...

We met when I was
in Australia.

He was practically
royalty there. You know.

Wait, so you're
friends with him?

Because I love his movies.

Well, I wouldn't say
we're friends,

but you should see
the snapchats he sends me.

That is the coolest thing
I have ever heard.

Well.
Easy, tiger.

Gonna mess up my hair.

Why are you even here, 84?

And why are you pretending
to know a Hemsworth?

I'm not pretending.

Which one do you know?

- Does it matter?
- "Does it matter?"

Chill out.

I'm just keeping
an eye on things...

Megan.

So Hardman sent you

to watch over me?

Insurance policy.

If we can't get you out,

- we'll force you out.
- By ruining my social life.

Though it doesn't seem
like you have much of one.

Are you wearing kesha?

Mm, her scent
is the absolute truth.

Oh, and...

It's Heather now.

- Kisses.
- Ugh!

Ugh, come back here.

Where are you going?

What the fuck was that?

- Welcome.
- Oh, I-I'm sorry.

- I'm decent.
- Awk.

- Don't worry about it.
- No, it's fine.

I think I'll probably...

Stay with me, Liz Larson,
and talk.

Stay and talk with me, please.

You know my name?

Yeah, why wouldn't
I know your name?

Do you want to know my name?

I know that according
to the yearbook,

your interests are donkey Kong
and donkey punches,

so that's enough for me.

My name is Bernard.

But Bernard has Tequila!

Liz Larson,

in this awesome flask.

- Pull back the veil.
- Bernard's Tequila

in this flask Tequila.

So come, drink.

- Okay, yeah.
- Oh, yes.

- Ow. Okay.
- Oh, are you okay?

So, you heard
about homecoming?

I have my eye on this one guy.

I wonder if he's here.

Yep, there he is.

Yeah, don't even
think about it.

Oh, what?

Worried somebody might
like me more than you?

I'm warning you.

He's mine.

We'll see.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So you ladies want
to play some beer pong?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Hey, I'm cash.

Heather.

Come on.

Hey, are you serious?

Yes.

It's all because of me
and my old man.

He's just this mindless machine

that I can't even
relate to anymore.

"You got to be number one.

"I won't tolerate any losers
in this family.

"Your intensity's for shit.
Win, win, win."

It's... you son of a bitch.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish
my knee would just give

and he would forget
all about me.

I'm so sorry.
I mean, I had no idea...

You were such a great actor!

Oh, god, that was
the breakfast club monologue?

- Yeah. You know.
- Oh, I love it.

People don't usually
believe I can act,

just 'cause of the way I look.

Yeah, sure, I'm no Vera farmiga,

but I believe I have talent.

Tremendo talent.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

- Hey, roger.
- Hey.

Hey!

- Ahh...
- Ahhh...

Knock-knock.

Oh, look, it's Roger.

Roger Rabbit.

- What up?
- Come get in.

Come hang.
It's nice.

No, that's okay. It does look
like fun in here, though.

- That's where the fun is.
- Tubs are fun.

Uh, you guys have not
seen Megan anywhere, have you?

Who wants to know?

I do.

He has a trustworthy face.

Trustworthy?

A little bit,
except for that smirk.

She's downstairs.

But...

You did not hear that from me,

because I...

was never...

here!

You guys have fun.

Thank you.

No, it's really...

- so much fun.
- Hey, Megan.

Do you know where...

Do you know where Bernard is?

This store is, like, huge.

Who's Bernard?

He's... just, if you know...

When he calls me back,

could you just tell him
that I'm gonna be...

I'm just gonna be
under this table cloth.

Cab's here.

Who's up for waffles?

Oh, my God, let's do it.

Hey, Megan, you in?

I should really get her
to bed.

I think she's
already found one.

Come on, let's grab a bite.

Ugh, come on, cash.

Do you want to hang out
or bang out?

Hey, Liz.
Hey.

Sit up for a sec.

I'm gonna go out for waffles,

but I'll bring you
a short stack.

I'll be right back.
I'll bring you waffles.

- Okay.
- Hey.

Has anyone around here
told you about homecoming?

No.

Come on.

Yeah, okay.

This is ridiculous.

I haven't even
had coffee this morning.

I wake up, and what
do I come down to?

Dicks in my face.

What in that head of yours

thought it was okay
to sleep at a stranger's house?

- You told me to go have fun.
- Fun, fun.

But you stumbled in here
at 6:00 A.M.

With male genitalia
drawn on your face.

I made sure she was safe.

Excuse me?

She had a pillow.

Okay, what she should
have had was a ride home.

You don't leave a friend
on a couch

because you want
to go have breakfast

with some silly little boy band.

We look out for each other
in this family.

Got it?

Yes, ma'am.

Assholes.

Ugh, they used a sharpie.

You're gonna go to church
with that on your face.

Why don't you walk
right up to the pastor

and say, "hey, I've got
a penis on my face"?

- I will.
- Oh, you will?

Okay, great, let's go
show it to grandma.

Step right up, gumdrop.

Open the door...

It's a beautiful day
in the neighborhood.

Hey, there's some gum three rows back.

You think you could get on that?

Ooh, teenage sarcasm.

Have you tried acne
and eating disorders too?

Have you tried shaving?

Martin Van Buren called
and wants those sideburns back.

Marty Van B. Died in 1822,

14 years before
the invention of the telephone.

Now you see why I prefer
homeschool?

Sit.

I'm pulling you out.

What?

You...
No, we had a deal.

Deal's off.

Look at your screen.

Knox escaped, and she left
a really nice death threat.

How is that possible?

She had help.
I lost some good people.

Don't want to lose you,

so I'm trying to get you
somewhere safe.

I'm safe here, thank you.

You just logged
on to Facebook.

- Under an alias.
- I'm taking you back.

I have an actual life
here now, okay?

I'm not going back to Prescott.

And when Knox finds out
where you are,

she will use your actual life
to destroy you.

No attachments,
remember, 83?

I can't live like that again.

- Hey, we're out here.
- We're gonna be late. Come on.

If you want to go it alone,

you'll have to go 100% alone.

I won't be back.

It's just, Liz is finally
acting like a human towards me,

and I'm pretty sure Roger's
my first real friend,

and I just got asked out by
the hottest guy to homecoming.

I've never been
to a homecoming, okay?

This is... I'm not going.
I'm staying.

Let me off.

Remember, 83...

I'm not in the rescue business.

Thank you.

Finally.

If Knox comes...

She better bring fire,
she better bring thunder,

and she better bring hell.

Just tell her to bring it
before 10:30.

I've got a curfew.

I don't know why you're so mad,
all right?

I didn't pour Tequila
down your throat.

I got Pablo dicasso'd
on my face.

Yeah?

That's, like, the pinnacle
of high school humiliation.

It washed off.

- Sort of.
- What?

Oh, my God.

And the photos!
Instagram, like, owns them now.

Can we just focus
on the positive for a minute?

Cash asked me to homecoming!

If I hadn't gone with him,
he would have asked Heather.

That would have been game over.

Jesus, Ringwald!

Do you never tire of this
"I'm in a teen movie" fantasy?

I don't even understand why
you're so obsessed with this guy.

I mean, like, okay, he's cute
and he's in a band. Yeh!

He also looks like the ass-baby

of criss angel
and Russell brand.

Hello?

Are you listening to me?

What are you staring at?

- Get down!
- Aw!

Switch seats with me!

Oh, my god!
What's happening?

Somebody wants me dead.

We're in a car chase, Liz.

Okay, why?

I'm not from Canada.

I'm a fugitive from
a quasi-governmental

military facility that
trains child assassins.

I faked my own death
to ran away

and pretended to be
an exchange student.

- I didn't know how to tell you.
- I got to get out of here.

No! Don't do that.
Why would you do that?

I don't know!

I need you to get your
breathing under control

before you...

You feel better now,
don't you?

Fence!

What happened?

- What are you doing?
- They'll move.

- Are you crazy?
- They'll move.

Megan!

Liz, stop!

Stay here.

Kesha.

- Bombs away.
- Get armed.

- You've been armed.
- To prevent arm.

Agent 83, I thought we
were done with each other.

She's a goddamn
double agent, Hardman.

Red wire? Blue wire?
I don't know D:

Why do you sound so upset?

Your protection
tried to kill me.

And what protection
would that be?

- 84.
- Agent 84?

You've seen her?

- Yes, I've seen her.
- You assigned her to shadow me.

She tried to steal my boyfriend.

Whoa-whoa-whoa...
Ah, ah.

Follow the lead wire
back to the switching box.

The red one.

Please don't blow me up.

I did not send 84.

As a matter of fact,
I thought she was dead,

killed in action
during the Knox escape.

- What?
- Oh, God.

This is a hell
of a state of affairs.

Just send me my gear.
I can take her out.

Oh, no, no, no,
83.

I warned you about this.

You're on your own.

- Got to go.
- Hardman, no...

Sorry.

And that's why
we wear the suits.

Roger?

I didn't know you were here.

Yeah, I heard
about the accident.

Thanks so much for coming. I
really needed a friend right now.

Right.

Well, I'm sure cash
is on his way.

Anyway, I'm really glad
you're not hurt.

I'll see you around.

Okay?

So...
Trained assassin, huh?

My god, you didn't get pissed
and bump me off.

Why did you come?

I saw the family photo.

You guys looked really happy.

I wanted to be a part of that.

But I never wanted this, Liz.
I'm really sorry.

No.

Everything's fine.

I'm fine.

I mean, really, I think
it's mostly just bruising.

Oh, god...

Hardman was right.

I was just too stupid
to listen.

I got to go.

Well, don't leave us.

It's the only way
to keep you guys safe.

Bullshit.

Look, I'm sorry
that this is not working out

the way that
you always imagined.

But life is messy,

and it doesn't give
a free pass to anyone,

no matter how many different
languages you speak

or whether or not you can
kill someone with a hula-hoop.

Abandoning people
is not how you help them.

Leaving is what hurts.

Trust me.

There are vicious,
self-absorbed sociopaths

out to get me right now, Liz.

I mean...

You survived high school, right?

How bad could these guys be?

Hey!

Where are you going?

I'm not going anywhere.

Thanks for my picture, Tucker.

Okay?

Now put back my goggles!

Shit.

Okay, uh...

I'll let you guys have a minute.

Crazy.

You want to check your...

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, well, just...

Call me later.

Fresh meat.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Shut up.

You cannot judge me.

Not judging.

Not judging.

Follow the mission profile,
and we all come home safely.

We have the home field
advantage,

so we let Knox come to us.

It is homecoming, though.

Every girl should
use protection.

Okay, let's do this.

Awesome, please take this
away from me.

I'm gonna throw up
all over you.

- Please don't...
- No.

What's it like
to kill someone?

- Excuse me?
- I just mean, do you even...

Feel remorse when you're, like,
shooting someone in the face?

They used to tell us

that we had to detach,

but... I never could.

So, wait, then are you, like,
haunted at night

by the visions of the souls
that you've taken?

No.
No, not, no.

Not quite.

See, I've...

Never actually
done it before.

What?

Wait, you told me you were,
like, miss experienced.

I never said that.

I distinctly remember
you saying that.

I know how it works, okay?

I may have said that.

I've seen videos,
different ways that it's done.

I've just never done it myself.

Like, never?

I came really close once

and grazed this guy in London.

Does that count?

That counts.

I think it has to go
all the way in.

Okay, wow.

If we're gonna nitpick here,

then technically no.

I've done lots
of other stuff, though.

Okay.

- I have.
- I believe you.

It's not as easy as you think,
okay?

It can take a few times
for things to line up.

I don't know
why you're laughing.

No, I would...
I would do it.

If I had to, I would do it.

I just...

I just think the first time
should be special.

Right?

Yeah, well...

We agree on one thing, then.

What are we talking about?

- Uh... would you...
- Popcorn?

Would you like some popcorn?

I bet you'd like some popcorn.

Wouldn't you like some popcorn?

- Hi.
- Ready?

Yeah, am I good?

- Better than good.
- Okay.

One sec, though.

- Close.
- Okay.

There.

Just a little bit of smoke
around the eyes.

Adds to your mystique.

And me?

You positive about the heels?

Yeah, I got this.

- You got this.
- Right.

Oh my god,
they're here.

Go get 'em.

Not without you.

Let's go.

3, 2, 1.

Yes.

So, um...

Liz Larson, huh?

Uh, yeah, you know...
What can I say?

I like who I am around her.

Good for you, Gooch.

Oh, it's Bernard now.

It's Bernard.

- Hello.
- How's it going?

- Look at you, all dressed.
- Yeah.

- This is nice.
- Thank you.

I like this.

There you go, girls.

- Okay, great.
- Thank you.

Wow.

You girls look beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.
Let's take a picture.

Okay.

One, two...

Cheese.
Ahah-ah-ah.

What are you doing?

Make memories...

- Not babies.
- Thank you.

Remember, boys...
Whatever you do to them,

I'm gonna do to you.

Not kidding.

Oh, my God,
my first homecoming.

You ready?

Just be ready for anything.

Gotcha.

Where's Cash?

Seen Cash?

Not tightly there.

Good tie.

Little mystery, Amber.

I love this song.

Do you want to go dance?

- Yes.
- Yes!

Should we go join them?

Oh, emotacon's on next.

Maybe after.

Sure, okay.

How's the cheese?

Not bad.

It's actually pretty "gouda."

You mean good?

No, gouda.

It's... it's a joke.

It's cheese, gouda, it's good.

Right, right.

I get it, yeah.

Pig Latin.

No.

Cash, I've...

I've dreamt about
a night like this

for a really long time,

and I have had so much fun.

You're the front man
of an amazing band.

You're the king
of this high school.

Wait a minute.

Are you dumping me?

I don't know.

You know what, babe?

Whatever it is,
let's talk about it later.

Later?

Yeah, it's just,
I got a big show tonight.

You know, I got to
keep my voice rested.

Right, okay.

Of course.

Excuse me.

Women...

Who needs 'em?

I'm an idiot,
and I owe you a huge apology.

Megan, just stop.

You're pissed.
I get it.

- Can we just...
- Look.

I'm not pissed, all right?

If you want to go
date the rock star, that's fine.

You want to go hang
with the cool crowd, whatever.

But I just want you
to know that...

- I don't.
- Hold on.

I was practicing this
in my head,

and I want to get it all out.

I'm just curious.
You don't what?

I don't want
to date the rock star.

All right? It turns out,
they don't get puns,

like, at all.

I thought about
what was next for me.

It's you.

It's me?

You really thought I'd let

all this inner buffness
get away from me?

Look, maybe I'm too late,

but according
to my exhaustive research,

it is very important
that I dance with a guy

that I really, really like
at homecoming.

Can I have this dance?

Hell no, you can't.

Quit getting handsy
with my date.

What?

Did she try to touch you?

How do you even know her?

Bernard, give me one second.

Your date?

Yeah, so paws off.

Hey, just one second.

What are you doing?

- Don't taunt her.
- We've got a new mission.

Really?

What is it?

For that douche-baguettte

- to take her hands off my man!
- Whoa.

Oh, okay!
New Megan.

Okay.

Guys.

Are they fighting over Roger?

When I heard you died
in the field,

it was the worst day of my life.

Because I wanted
to kill you myself.

What is happening?

Oh, god, is there gluten
in this?

Gluten?
It's all liquid.

So? Soy sauce is liquid,

and it has gluten in it.
Hello?

Do you think there's soy sauce
in the fruit punch?

God, how much
hormone-injected beef

did your parents feed you
as a baby?

Shut up, Cindy.

You shut up, Donna.

Totem Pole.

Before I kick your ass,
let me just say well done.

For once, you don't look
like a tranny mess.

Thanks.
I really like your dress.

Perfect length to show off
those cottage-cheese thighs.

You wish you had this bod.
P90x, bitch.

P90 extra large, bitch.

I know you're in here.

Megan.

We always knew it would
end up like this...

Me with a knife,

you with it in you.

Hardman expected
so much out of us.

But Knox opened my eyes
to a better deal.

She takes care of
your precious new family,

and I kill you.

Plus, I got to make out
with cash...

And Roger.

What?

Hot lunch,
bitch!

- Hey!
- Huh?

- You good?
- Yeah, you?

Ooh, I'm really good.

Stabbing people is fun.

Are there gonna be more people
for me to stab?

No, put the corn dog down.
We got to get home.

Okay.

We're all clear out here.

Where the hell is that girl?

God damn it.

Hey!

You guys really need
to do something

about that perimeter security.

Megan?
Welcome home, 83.

Looks like someone
didn't get lucky tonight.

Why'd you come back, Knox?

Oh, wow.

Whole list of reasons,

but why don't we just
settle on... revenge?

You know,
you can call me Victoria.

Hell, why don't we get
real familiar?

Why don't you call me
number 1?

After all, that is what
Hardman used to call me.

You're a Prescott?

The original Prescott,
sweetheart.

We have a lot in common.

Although, I listened to Hardman
when he warned me about...

Attachments.

- Liz!
- Oh my god.

I found this little rat
scurrying outside.

Don't want to hurt
your attachments, do we?

Drop it.

- Now.
- Now.

Let them go, alright?

They're not involved.

Of course they are.

This doesn't have
to end this way.

You and I actually do
have a lot in common.

Oh, except I'm not
a psycho bitch.

Give it some time.

What do you say, 83?

First Prescott, huh?

Never would have guessed.

Excuse me?

Well, Prescott probably just
had lower standards then, yeah?

Taking whatever losers
they could get.

Well...

this girl's got a mouth on her.

If you wanted a fight, you could
have just said so, little bitch.

Get your ass up.

On your feet.
Did I stutter?

Round 3?

Oh, you sad little thing.

You think he's coming for you.

Hardman doesn't give a shit
about you.

You're all alone.

I'm definitely not alone.

Hey, she's got a ninja.

- Parker, no!
- Parker, no!

Get down!

What the fuc...

You came.

Looks like agent 1 is done.

Cuff her.

Megan.

Come here.

Oh, my god.

Parker, that was so dumb,

but really cool.

You came back for me.

Actually, we came for Knox.

Plus, the sweet 16s needed
some real combat experi...

You came back for me.

Okay, okay.

So we do have our attachments,
agent 8...

Megan.

There are worse things.

Don't you have a dance
to get to?

You-
You mean I'm free?

Uh, not really.

An off-the-books agent
in deep cover

is not an asset I'm willing
to let go right now.

I'll be in touch.

Are you ready to do this?

Like I'd let you go in
without backup.

Let's go.

Have your asses back here
by midnight!

We'll try.

You want to know
a fun fact about ninjas?

Not really.

Well, I am one.

Is that right?

Go to www.Prescottschoolforboys

and fill out an application.

Say yes.
Please, can I go?

Uh... we'll talk.

Okay, whatever.

Cute kid.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Penny.
This is my house.

And I've got something
you want, Penny.

But first, I debrief you.

Come with me.

I haven't been debriefed
in years.

Obviously you're not telling
me something about tonight.

Did you lose your virginity?

Did you?

Okay, you dirty dog.

All right, all right.

Well, it's only appropriate
that I tell you the story

about when I lost my virginity.

She was our babysitter.

She was a lot older than me.

Very gentle, gentle lover.

She was about 65.

Dad, stop the car.

Hold on.
Holdup.

Hey, where are you going?

- Megan?
- Roger!

I know you're confused,

and I've got a lot
to explain.

But for the first time
in my life,

I know exactly who I am
and what I want,

and I'm not afraid to say it.

Roger, I think you are...

Amazing.

That's pretty corny.

Roger!

Where do you think you're going?

Get back in the car.

I'm a good kid, dad.

You got to let me go.

Does she even have
a helicopter license?

Don't wait up.

Roger!

Hi.

Hey.

Adolescence is
a confusing time.

It's a wonder any of us
make it out alive.

Seatbelts, Roger!

Seatbelts and Condoms!

If that comes up.

If it doesn't come up,
don't bring it up.

In the end, Hardman was right.

Attachments are dangerous.

They mean you care
about something.

But the people we care about

are what make life worth living.

And hey...

What's wrong with
living dangerously?

Find out where
she's applying to college.

Safety schools too.