Barefoot in the Park (1967) - full transcript

CHORUS:
♪ Going barefoot
in the park

♪ Where it says,
"Keep off the grass"

♪ Isn't recommended
for the very old

♪ But when you're young
and you're in love

♪ The world is beautiful

♪ And I'm not a bit afraid
of you catching cold

♪ Running barefoot
through the park

♪ Searching bareheaded
in the rain

♪ For a midwinter daisy

♪ Seems kind of crazy to do

♪ But come along
My barefoot love



♪ To the fields
that shine with spring

We just got married!

♪ Though it's 10 below

♪ Let me go knee-deep
in daisies with you

♪ La la la

They just got married.

♪ La la la la la la la

♪ La la la la la la
la la la la la

♪ La la la la la la la la

♪ La la la la la

♪ La la la la
la la la la la la la

♪ La la la la

Whoa!

This is the Plaza Hotel, please.



Plaza. Corie, it's the Plaza.

Wait a minute.
I'm not finished.

Corie, the man is waiting. Wait.

Give him a big tip.

Paul, tell me
you're not sorry
we got married.

After 40 minutes?
Let's give it a couple
of hours first.

Paul?

If the honeymoon
doesn't work out,
let's not get divorced.

Let's kill each other.

Let's have one
of the maids do it.

I hear the service
here is wonderful.

Uh...

Uh... (GRUNTS)

Here's... Bye.
Thank you.

Come on.

Good afternoon.
Yes. Uh...

My hand.
I need my hand.

"Mr. Paul Bratter."
Yes.

And is Mrs. Bratter
staying with you?

My mother?

Uh, oh!
Mrs. Bratter, yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Bratter.
(RINGING BELL)

How long will you
be staying with us,
Mr. Bratter?

Six days.

And nights.

It's a pleasure
to have you
at The Plaza.

449.

(LAUGHING) Come on...

Corie, let's stop, huh?

This way, please.

Oh, ex...excuse me.
Excuse us, please.

Mr. Adams,
I hope you realize
I'm only 15 years old.

Thanks.
Thanks a lot.

Well, they're so stuffy
around here.

Is... Is this
what life is going
to be like

for the next 50 years?

Is that all we're going
to be married, 50 years?

That's not very long.

No, wait. Don't make
rash judgments.

Paul, I think
I'm going to be
a lousy wife.

But don't be angry with me.

I love you very much,

and I'm very sexy.

Then let's go inside.

I'm paying $30 a day.

Okay, Paul, let's
start the marriage.

Good luck, Paul.

Good luck, Corie.

Forget it.
They're never
coming out.

How long has it been now?

Five days.

(WHISTLES) That must be
a hotel record.

For a political convention.

A honeymoon record is nine days.

Wait a minute, Paul!
Where are you going?

Work. I have to go to work.

I don't do this
for a living,
you know.

Can't you call them
and tell them you can't
come in today?

Tell them you're sick.

I am sick,
but I have
to go in today.

Last night you promised
you'd never leave me.

But it's just
till 5:30.
Just until 5:30.

Corie, if it's
a good marriage,
it'll last until 5:30.

See you.
Tonight, hey?

What was that?

A kiss?

Dear, would you
get inside?
This is a nice hotel.

Was that a kiss?

'Cause, boy, if that's what
kisses are going to be like
from now on,

don't bother
to come back at 5:30.

Corie, I can't kiss you anymore.

My lips are numb.
Now will you
(WHISPERS) please go inside?

If you don't give me
a real kiss,

I'm going to
give you back
your pajamas.

Right now.

No, wait...
(BRIEFCASE THUDDING)

What? Wait!

Couldn't you make it 4:30?

(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh!

Tonight.

At the new apartment.

Okay, it's 49
West 10th street.
(SIGHS)

I love you!
Yeah. Uh.

Thank you, Mr. Dooley.

Next time
you're in New York,
just call me up.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

(BUZZING)

Hello?

Bratter?

Up here, top floor!

Top floor.

Take your time!
(ECHOING)

Yeah.

Top floor.

It's always the top floor.

(PANTING)

Whatever happened to elevators?

Let's see. The bed
is six feet long

and the room is
five-and-a-half feet

and I'm in big trouble.

(PANTING)

(BREATHLESSLY) Teleph...

Hi. Teleph...

Telephone company.

The phone?
Yeah.

Oh, great!
Come on in.

That's...

That's quite a climb.

Yes. Five flights,
if you don't count
the front stoop.

Yeah, I counted the front stoop.

Uh, would you like
a glass of water?

Please.

I'd offer you soda
or a beer or something,

but we don't have anything yet.

A glass of water's fine.

Except we don't have
any glasses either.

Oh.

You could, uh...

You could put
your head under
and just schlurp.

Oh, no, I don't have
enough breath to slurp.

Well...

Where would you like the phone?

Gee, uh...

I don't know.

Any suggestions?

Well, it all depends
on what you're going
to do with the room.

Yeah.

You going to have
furniture in here?
(CHUCKLES)

Sure.

Listen, you can give me
a long extension cord,

and I'll carry it
around with me for
the first few years.

Good. I'll use
the old connection.

Whew! Boy!

You're really going
to live up here, huh?

I mean every day.

Every day.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I hope that's the men
with the furniture.

I don't want to see this.

Hello, Bloomingdale's!

Lord & Taylor's.

Oh.

Up here, top floor!

Oh, my God.

It's probably
another wedding gift
from my mother.

She sends me
wedding gifts
twice a day.

I hope it's an electric heater.

Is it cold in here?

I can't grip the phone.
Maybe the steam is off.

Maybe that's it.

Just turn it on.
It'll come right up.

It is on.

It's just not coming up.

Oh.

Your husband have
a lot of sweaters?

You know, I prefer it this way.

Yeah, it's a medical fact
that steam heat's
bad for you.

Yeah? In February?

(PANTING)

Just put them down anywhere.

(WHEEZING)

I know. I know.

Oh, I'm...
I'm terribly sorry
about the stairs.

(WHEEZING)

I think he wants you to sign it.

Oh.

Oh, wait a minute.

(WHEEZING)

There you are.

Are you going to be all right?

(WHEEZES)

That's a shame,
giving a job like that
to an old man.

He's probably only 25.

They age fast on this route.

Okay, lady, you're in business.

My own phone.

Hey, can I make a call yet?

Well, your bill started
two minutes ago.

Who can I call?

Yeah, I know.

Oh, by the way,
my name is Harry Pepper.

If you ever have
any trouble
with that phone,

do me a favor,
don't ask for
Harry Pepper.

What's the matter, bad news?

It is going to be
cloudy tonight
with a light snow.

And just think,
you'll be the first one
in the city to see it fall.

(POLICE WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hello, is Mr. Paul Bratter
there, please?

This is Mrs. Paul Bratter
calling.

This is terrific.
It works just great.

Yeah, just like
a real phone, huh?

Frank, is Paul there?

Hi, Corie.

He left about
20 minutes ago
and looked very tired.

Hey, tell him to call me
as soon as he gets in,
will you?

I've got great news
for him if he can stand
a little more excitement.

No kidding, Frank.
What is it?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Frank, listen,
can you hang on a minute?
That... That may be him now.

Oh! I didn't want
him to come till after
the furniture had arrived.

Paul?

Corie?
Where are you?

Paul?

Up here!

Oh.

Paul, up here, top floor!

(PANTING)

Oh, it's him!

How long did you say
you were married?

Six days.

He won't notice
the place is empty
till June.

So long,
Gramercy 59971.
Have a nice marriage.

Oh. Thank you.

And may you soon
have many extensions.

Frank, he's on his way up.

Can you hang on
for five more flights?

Paul?

Hurry up, darling!

Now, don't expect too much,

'cause the furniture
hasn't gotten here yet!

And, Paul, the paint
didn't turn out exactly right,

but I think it's
going to be beautiful!

Paul?

Paul, are you all right?

(PANTING) I'm coming.
I'm coming.

What?

He's coming.
He's coming.

He's coming.
He's coming.

(GRUNTS)

Hi, sweetheart!

(PANTING)

Oh, darling!

(GASPING)
(MOANS)

Oh! Say something.

(GASPING) It's six...
It's six flights.
Did you...

Did you know it's six flights?

Well, it isn't.
It's only five.

What about that big thing

hanging outside the building?

That's not a flight.
It's a stoop.

It may look like a stoop.

But it climbs like a flight.

Is that all you have to say?

I didn't think
I'd get that much out.

Oh.

But it didn't...

It didn't seem like six flights

when I first saw the apartment.

Why... Why is that?

You didn't see
this apartment, Paul.

Don't you remember?
The woman wasn't home.

You... You saw
the apartment
on the third floor.

Then that's why.

You don't like it!
No, I...

Boy, you really
don't like it!
I do like it, dear.

I'm just waiting
for my eyes
to clear first.

I... I thought you
were gonna come in here
and say, "Wow!"

I will.

I will.
I'm just...

Yes.

Wow.

Paul, it's going
to be beautiful!

I promise you!

Do you know what?
What?

I missed you.
Did you really?

In the middle of the
Monday morning conference,

I, you know...
I began to...

Let's go back
to The Plaza.
What?

Oh, we still
have an hour
till checkout time.

We can't.
Why?

We stole a towel
and three ashtrays.
We're hot.

You know, for...
For a lawyer,
you're some good kisser.

Hey!

What?

For a kisser,
I'm some good lawyer.

Something's happened.
Mmm-hmm.

Something has
happened, Paul!
Well, tell me what?

It's not positive,
but the office is gonna
call and let me know.

They called.
I mean, I called.

When?
Now.

Where? Where?
Over there.
Over there.

Right over there.
They're on the phone,
right now.

You didn't tell me, Corie.
I forgot.

You kissed me
and got me all crazy.

Frank. Yes, Frank. Tell...

That's very funny, Frank.

For a lawyer,
I'm some good kisser.

Listen. Paul, I'd love
to listen for
the rest of the night,

but I've got work to do,
and you do, too.

You've a got a case
in court tomorrow.

Frank, are you kidding?

Do you mean this?
The whole thing?

Birnbaum versus Gump.

Marshall just came in
and dumped the whole case

in our eager,
and inexperienced
little hands.

This is it, Paul. This is
our chance to get the key
to the executive washroom.

Well, we're a cinch.
Listen, Frank,

I'll go over the briefs
here tonight.

And I'll meet you
at the office, say,
8:00 in the morning.

We'll go over
everything together.

Yes... Frank, you
think I have time
to grow a mustache?

Did you hear?
Did you hear?
It's my first case!

I'm going to be a lawyer!

That's great, Paul.

You're going to have
to work tonight?

Yeah. I'm going to go
over the affidavits.

This furrier's suing
a woman for nonpayment
of bills.

I've got the furrier.

I have a black lace nightgown.

It seems he made
these four specially
tailored coats

for this woman on Park Avenue.

Now she doesn't want the coats.

She's only 4'8".
He'd have to sell them
to a rich midget.

You know,
I thought I'd...
I'd put on a record

and do an original
Cambodian fertility dance.

It's...

There's no signed contract.

What's happening here?
What is this?
What are you doing?

I'm trying to get you
all hot and bothered,

and you're...summing up
for the jury!

I mean,
the whole marriage
is over.

Corie, honey, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm excited, that's all.

You want me to be
rich and famous,
now, don't you, really?

During the day.

At night I want you
here and sexy.

Oh, I will.

Look, I tell you what,
now tomorrow night,
your night.

We'll do whatever
you like, all right?

Something wild,
and crazy, and insane?

Fine.
Like what?

I... I'll come home early.

We'll wallpaper each other.

But tonight, dear,
I've got to work.

Please, okay?

Okay? Okay.
Okay.

So where do I sit?

Oh, the furniture
will be here
in a minute, Paul.

They probably
got stuck
in the traffic.

Fine, but what about tonight?

I've got a case
in court in the morning.

Maybe we ought to
check into a hotel.

Paul, we just checked
out of a hotel! (SIGHS)

I'm gonna sleep
in my own
apartment tonight.

Where, dear, where?

There's only room
for one in the bathtub.

Where's the bathtub?

There's no bathtub.
There's a shower.
No bathtub.

How am I going to take a bath?

You're not
gonna take a bath.
You'll take a shower.

I don't like
showers, Corie.
I like baths.

How am I gonna take a bath?

You lie down in the shower
and hang your feet
over the sink.

(SCOFFS)

You know, it's freezing in here.

Isn't there any heat? Hmm?

Of course.
There's a radiator.

That's... The radiator's
the coldest thing
in the room.

Does the building
have a janitor?

Only Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday.

Oh, Paul, it's going
to warm up a lot
when the furniture gets here.

What about tonight, Corie?
I've got a case in court
in the morning.

Well, stop saying it
like you have a case
every morning!

This is your first one.

Well, how...

What are you doing?

I'm trying to see
if these windows
are closed.

They're closed
and bolted.
Why is it windy in here?

I don't feel a draft.

No, I didn't say draft,
I said wind.

There's a brisk
northeasterly wind
blowing in this room.

You don't have to get sarcastic.

I'm not getting sarcastic.
I'm getting chapped lips.

How can there be wind
in a closed room?
A-ha!

How's this for an answer?

There's a hole in the skylight.

Oh, Paul.

Paul, don't get excited.

Listen, we'll plug
it up for tonight.

How? How?
That's 20 feet high!

I should have to fly
over in a plane
and drop something in.

It's only for one night.
And it's not that cold.

In February?

Do you know what
it's like in February
at 3:00 in the morning?

It's ice-cold freezing.

It's not going
to be freezing.
I called the weather bureau.

It's going to be cloudy
with a light snow...

What? What? What?

Light what?
Snow.

Snow?

It's going to snow
tonight? Hmm?

In here?

They're wrong as often
as they're right.
Right. (CHUCKLES)

I see, I'm going to be
shoveling snow
in my own living room.

Well, in the first place,
Paul, it's just a little hole.

And in the second place,
what do you want me to do?

Go to pieces!
Like me.

It's natural.

Paul.
Hmm?

I have a better idea.

I'm going to keep you warm.
Hmm?

And there's no charge
for electricity.

All right.

Corie, I can't do this.

Do you think Corie'd be upset

if I just popped up
and said hello?

Upset with her own mother? Why?

I do it all the time.

But the children
are hardly set up yet.

They're still practically
on their honeymoon.

Oh, she's probably
dying for your advice.
You know young brides.

Not Corie.
She gives her own advice.

All right, let's go home.

I'll just be 10 minutes.

Uh, no longer.
I'll be circling
the block.

I can see I haven't
got much of a law career
ahead of me.

Good. I hope we starve.

I hope they find us dead
in each other's arms.

"Frozen skinny lovers
found on 10th Street."

Then we are in love again?

Yes, we're in love again.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

It's the bed.

(WHISPERS)
It's the bed.
Yes.

I hope it's the bed.

Bloomingdale's?

Surprise!

Oh, no.
She couldn't wait.
What?

Your mother?
I invited her
for Tuesday.

Corie, I can't entertain
your mother now.

I've got a case
in court in the morning.

She's gonna hate it.

She's going to think
we're gypsies
living in an empty store.

I don't get you, Corie.
Five minutes ago,
this place was paradise.

Now suddenly, it's Cannery Row.

She doesn't understand, Paul.

She has a different
set of values.

She's practical,
not young like us.

Well, I'm 26 and cold as hell.

(PANTING)

(CLANGING)

Oh, sorry.

Paul. I want you
to promise me one thing.
What?

Don't tell her
about the rent.
All right.

If she asks you, tell her
you're not sure yet.

"Not sure yet"?

I have to know
what my rent is.
I'm a college graduate.

Can't you lie a little for me?

I mean,
you don't have
to tell her it's $125.

Well, all right.
How much is it, then?

$60.
(STUTTERS)

$65.
What?

$75, all right?

$75.63 a month.
All right, Corie.

Including gas
and electricity.
Yes.

Paul, will she believe that?

Anybody would believe that.

It's the $125
that's hard to swallow.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yes? Hello.

Yes, it is.

You what?

Thank you.
Thank you very much
for calling.

That's fine.
That's just great.

The furniture's not
coming till tomorrow.

But they're sending up
a mattress and
some blankets for tonight.

Won't that be cozy?
It'll be
all right, Paul.

Just please
promise me one thing,

don't let her
stay here too long
because I've got...

A case in court
in the morning.
I know.

(PANTING)
Hello, Mother.

Hello, Mom.
I can't breathe.

Take it easy, Mother.
I can't catch
my breath.

You should have rested, Mom.

I did, but there were
always more stairs.

Oh, Paul, help her.

Here, watch this step.

Oh, more stairs?

Mother, would you
like a glass of water?

No, thank you, dear.
I can't swallow yet.

Here, sit down, Mom.
Oh, my!

It's not that high, Mother.

I know dear,
it's not bad, really.

What is it, nine flights?

It's five.
We don't count
the front stoop.

I didn't think I'd make it.

If I had known
the people
on the third floor,

I'd have gone to visit them.

Oh, gee, Mother,
what a pleasant surprise.

I'm not staying.

Aunt Harriet's honking
the horn for me
in 10 minutes.

Just one good look
around, that's all.

I'm not sure I'm coming back.

You can't tell anything yet.

I... I wish
you'd arrived after
the furniture had come.

Don't worry. I have
a marvelous imagination.

Hmm.

Well?

Corie, baby, it's beautiful.

You hate it.

No, no, I love it.
It's a charming
apartment.

I love it.

Oh, it's not your kind
of apartment. I knew
you wouldn't like it!

I love it!

Paul, didn't I say I loved it?

She said
she loved it.
I knew I said it.

Oh, do you really, Mother?

I mean, are...
Are you absolutely crazy
in love with it?

Yes. It's very cute.

And there's so much
you can do with it.

I told you she hated it.

Corie, you don't give
a person a chance.
(SIGHS)

At least let me see
the whole apartment.

This is the whole apartment.

It's a nice, large room.

There's a bedroom!
Where?

One flight up.

It's just two little steps.
See, one, two...three.

Oh, split level.

Where's the bedroom?
Through here?

No, in here.
This is the bedroom.

No, it's really
just a dressing room,

but I'm going to use it
as a bedroom.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

And you can just
put a bed in here.

That's right.
How?

Oh, it'll fit. I...
I measured the room.

A double bed?

No, a large single.
Oh. Very nice.

Where will Paul sleep?

With me.
Large single?

But you won't be able
to get to the closet.

Yes, you will.

Without climbing over the bed?

Well, you have
to climb over the bed.

Oh! That's a good idea.

And you can just
hang your clothes
from the pipe.

That's right.

I mean, everything
is just temporary, Mother.

What is it they say
in Harper's Bazaar?

"It won't take shape

"until the bride's
own personality
becomes clearly defined."

I don't know.
I think it's you
right now.

What's in here?

Oh, the bathroom.

No bathtub.

This is the kitchen!

It's very cozy.

It's chilly in here.
Do you feel a draft?

Here, stand
over here, Mom.
It's warmer.

Mother, what
you need is a drink.

Hey, Paul, would you
run down and get
a bottle of scotch?

Now?
Yeah.

Well, you certainly have
lots of wall space.

What color are you
going to paint it?

It's painted.

Very attractive.

Oh.

I've got to go.

No, Mother.
Not until you
have a drink.

Paul, aren't you going
to get the scotch?

I'll stay for just one drink.

Sure. And I'll get the Scotch.

Button up, dear.
It's cold.
Yes, I've noticed that.

Get some cheese.
Cheese?

Paul!

I just want to give
my fella a kiss

and wish him luck.
Thanks, Mom.

Your new home is beautiful.
Yes.

It's a perfect
little apartment.
It is, thank you.

Then you do like it?

Like it? Why?

Where else
can you get
anything like this

for 75.63 a month?

Are you sure, Paul?

Six flights of stairs again.

It's the only way to travel.

Well...

Corie, baby,
I'm so excited for you.

Mmm-hmm.
(SIGHS)

Mother, it's not
exactly the way
you pictured, is it?

Well, it's unusual.

Like you.

I remember
when you were
a little girl,

you said you wanted
to live on the moon.

I thought you were joking.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Well, drunk again, huh?

Okay, I'll take care of him.

I know what let's do.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Let's open my presents
and see what you sent me.

(SIGHS)

Hey.

What's in here?
That sounds expensive.

Now I think it's a broken clock.

Ah!

Aunt Harriet
helped me pick it out.

She thinks I should move
into New York City now.

Hey, that's an idea.

I said, "Why, Harriet?
Just because I'm alone?"

I said, "I'm not
afraid to live alone."

"In some ways, it's better
to live alone," I said.

Does this pot
come with directions?

If I had known
about this kitchen,

it would have come
with hot coffee.

Mother. Oh, I love everything.

You've got to stop
sending me presents.

You know, you should
start spending
your money on yourself.

Well, myself?

What does a woman
like me need,
living all alone,

way out in New Jersey?

You could travel.

Oh, travel.

Alone? At my age?

I read a story in The Times.

A middle-aged woman
traveling alone,

fell off the deck of a ship.

They never discovered it
till they got to France.

Mother...

I promise you,
if you ever fell off
the deck of a ship,

somebody would know about it.

Do you know what I think
you really need?

Yes. I don't want to hear it.

Yes, 'cause
you're afraid
to hear the truth.

It's not the truth
I'm afraid to hear.

It's the word
you're going to use.

You're darn right I'm going
to use it, it's love.
Oh.

A week ago,
I didn't even know
what it meant.

And then I checked into
to the Plaza Hotel
for six wonderful days.

And you know
what happened
to me there?

I promised myself
I wouldn't ask.

I found love.

Spiritual, physical,
and emotional love.

And I don't think
anyone on Earth
should be without it.

I'm not, darling.
I have you.

I'm not talking
about that kind
of love, Mother.

I mean...
I know what
you're talking about.

And you don't want
to discuss it?

Not with you
in the room. (SIGHS)

(HONKS)

That must be Aunt Harriet.

I've got to go.

Some visit.

Just a sneak preview.

I'll see you both on Tuesday
for the world premiere.

Oh. You shouldn't
have run just for me.

Goodbye, love.

I love your new apartment.

I'll see you both on Tuesday.

Geronimo!

Paul, what's the matter?

I just had an interesting talk

with the man down
in the liquor store.

Do you know that we have
some of the greatest
weirdos in the country

living right here
in this building?

No kidding! Like who?

Well, like, to begin with,
in apartment 1C
are the Boscos,

Mr. and Mrs. J. Bosco.
Who are they?

Mr. and Mrs. J. Bosco
are a lovely young couple

who just happen to be
of the same sex.

And no one knows
which one that is.
Crazy!

And in apartment 3C
are Mr. and Mrs. Gonzales.
So...

No, I have not finished.
Mr. and Mrs. Gonzales,

Mr. and Mrs. Armandariz,
and Mr. Calhoun,
who must be the umpire.

Who do you think lives in 4D?

I don't know.
Nobody else does, either.

Nobody's been seen
going in or coming out
in three years!

Except every morning,

there are nine
empty cans of tuna fish
outside the door.

Who do you suppose lives there?

Sounds like a big cat
with a can opener.

Oh, I forgot, Mr. Velasco,
Victor Velasco,
he lives in 6A.

Where's that, on the roof?

The attic.
He lives in the attic!

He's 58 years old.
He skis,
he climbs mountains,

he's been married four times.

He's known as
the Bluebeard
of 10th Street.

What does that mean?

I don't know. It either
means that he attacks
girls on 10th Street

or he's got a blue beard.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go stand
in the bedroom and work.

If anything comes up,
like the bed or the heat,
just let me know, huh?

(DOOR CLOSING)

(WIND BLOWING)

(WHISPERS) Paul?
Hmm?

Are you asleep?

Just my hands and my feet.

Paul, do you know
what the trouble is?

We're wearing too much clothing.

You know how
the Eskimos keep warm?

They check into a motel.

Paul, do you hate me?

Yes.

Then say it.

I hate you.

Then I hate you.

(SOFT RATTLING)

There's somebody at the door.

If it's the Red Cross,
let them in.

Aren't you going to answer it?

You found the apartment.
You answer it.

(WHISPERS) Paul.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I live here.

So do I.

How delightful!

I hope I didn't disturb you.

My name is Velasco,
Victor Velasco.

The Blue...
From the attic?

I was wondering
if I could use
your bedroom.

The bedroom? No.

Well, I can't get
into my apartment.

I wanted to use
your window and just
crawl out along the ledge.

Oh, did you lose your key?

Oh, no, no. I have
my key, but it no longer
fits the lock.

The penalty
of being four months
behind in the rent.

So, you say you live here?

Just moved in today.

Really?
And what are you,
a folk singer?

No, a wife!
Uh-huh.

You know, of course,
you're unbearably pretty.

All indications
point to my falling
in love with you.

Ah, I see our ratfink landlord

has left a hole in the skylight.

Yeah. Well, he's going
to fix it, won't he?

Oh, I wouldn't count on it.

My bathtub has been
leaking since 1949.
(SIGHS)

Tell me,
does your husband, uh,
work during the day?

Yes.

In an office?

Yes.
Good.

I work at home during the day.

Oh, I predict
interesting complications.

Am I making you nervous?

Very nervous.
(CHUCKLES)

Wonderful!

Once a month
I try to make
pretty young girls nervous

just to keep my ego
from going out.

But I'll save you
a lot of anguish.

I'm six...
I'm 58 years old,

and a thoroughly nice fellow.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

I'm not!
I wish I were
10 years older.

Older?
Yes.

Why, dirty old men
seem to get away
with a lot more.

You see, I'm still
at the awkward age.

Well, now when do I get
invited down for dinner?

Dinner? Oh, we'd...
We'd love to have you
for dinner

as soon as we get set up.

With newlyweds,
I could starve to death.

Shall we say next Tuesday night?

Tuesday night?
No, my mother's...

Tuesday night's fine.

It's a date.

I'll bring the wine.
You can pay me for it
when I get here.

Oh, which reminds me,

you're invited
to my cocktail party
tomorrow night, 10:00.

You do drink,
don't you?
Yes, of course.

Good. Bring liquor.
Until tomorrow then.

Yeah, if we don't
freeze first.
(CHUCKLES)

You don't know
about the plumbing,
do you?

Everything in this museum
works backwards.

For example, on the steam,
it says, "Turn right,"

so you turn left.

Except I can't reach it.

Will you help me up, please?

Oh! With the greatest
of physical pleasure.

One, two, three, up!

Whoo!

Corie, was there anyone...

We were just
warming up
the apartment.

Uh, Paul...

Whoo!

This is Mr. Velasco
from upstairs.

He was just telling me
that all our plumbing
works backwards.

That's right.

An important thing
to remember is

you have to flush up.
Until tomorrow night then.

What's tomorrow night?
Where's... Where's he going?

Don't forget Tuesday!

What about Tuesday?
What's he doing
in the bedroom?

(WIND BLOWING)

That nut went out the window.

(RINGS)

Hello.

Hello, Mother?
It's me.

Corie, did you hear what I said?

There's an old nut
out on our ledge!

No, nothing's wrong.

Listen, I just want
to confirm our Tuesday
night dinner date.

At 2:00 in the morning?

Well, I just
I want to be sure
you're gonna come.

At 2:00
in the morning?

And, Mother, listen,
wear something, uh,
gay and frivolous.

As a matter of fact,
buy a new dress.

At 2:00 in the morning?

I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

Who are you waving at?

Him.

I decided
to meet you here
every day.

It takes you so long
to climb the stairs,

and I can't wait for you.

You will not meet me
here every day.

The bus driver will
think you're my mother.

Hey, do you have
an Aunt Fern?
Yeah.

She sent us
a check today.
Did she?

Boy, do you have
a cheap Aunt Fern!

I'll write and tell her.

Oh, and your mother
called from Philly.

She and your father
are coming up
a week from Sunday.

And your sister
has a new boyfriend!

Huh? Really?
From Rutgers.

Yeah, he has acne,
and they all hate him.
Swell.

Including your sister.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Did you miss me today?

No.
Why not?

Because you called me
eight times.

I... I don't talk to you
that much when I'm home.

What a grouch!
Hey, how'd it go
in court today?

Well, I was going to...

Gump or Birnbaum?
Birnbaum.

You won?
Yes.

Oh, Paul!

Oh, I'm so proud.

Aren't you happy?

Birnbaum
won the protection
of his good name.

But no damages.
We were awarded 6 cents.

6 cents!
It's the law.

You have to be awarded
something, so the court
made it 6 cents.

Well, how much
of that do you get?

Nothing. Birnbaum gets
the whole 6 cents.

And I get it going
the office tomorrow.

From here on in,
I get all the cases that
come in for a dime or under.

Grouch, grouch, grouch.

You weren't that grouchy
at 6:00 this morning
under the covers.

Do you have to carry on
a personal conversation
with me on the stairs?

Why, what's wrong with it?
(MUMBLES)

Everybody knows
the intimate details
of our life.

Geez, I ring the bell,
and suddenly
we're on the air!

You know, I think I better
make you a drink.
Yeah, that's...

You're supposed to be
charming tonight.

Listen, I've got news for us.

This little dinner
you have planned
for tonight

has got fiasco
written all over it.

Why? You know,
it just may be they have
a lot in common.

(CHUCKLES)
Are you kidding?
Your mother?

You mean that quiet,
dainty little woman
from New Jersey

and the Count of Monte Cristo?

You must be kidding.
Why?

Well, you've seen his apartment.

He wears
Japanese kimonos,
he sleeps on rugs.

Your mother
wears a hair net
and sleeps on a board.

Boof.
(LAUGHS)

Well, maybe we could help her.

I mean, we don't have
to introduce her

as my dull, 52-year-old,
housewife mother.

That wasn't
the exact wording
I had planned here.

But what did you have in mind?

I don't know,
something more glamorous.

A former actress.

You know, of course,
that she was in The Man
Who Came to Dinner.

Your mother? Where?
The East Orange
Women's Club?

I don't know, on Broadway.

And she was in
the original company
of Strange Interlude,

and she had
a small singing part
in Knickerbocker Holiday.

Are you serious?

Cross my heart.

Your mother, an actress?

Yeah.

What? You never
told me this.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

(SIGHS) I don't know.
I didn't think
you'd be interested.

God, that's fascinating!

I can't...
I can't get over that.

You see?
Now you're interested.

It's a lie.
Every bit of it.

I'm going to control myself.

(PANTING)

(CLANGS)

Hello, Mom.
Are you
all right, Mother?

Paul...
Yes, Mom.

In my handbag...
Are some pink pills.

Pink pills?
All right.

I'll be all right
in a minute. I'm just
a little out of breath.

Mother, sit right there.
I'll get you
something to drink.

I had to park the car
three blocks away.

Then it started
to rain, so I ran
the last two blocks.

Then my heel got caught
in the subway grating.

When I pulled
my foot out,
I stepped in a puddle.

Then a cab went by
and splashed
my stockings.

If the hardware store
downstairs was open,

I was going
to buy a knife
and kill myself.

Here, Mother, drink this.

Here's your pill, Mom.

A martini to wash down a pill.

It'll make you feel better.

I had a martini at home.
It made me sick.

That's why I'm taking the pill.

Let me help you inside.

You need food, Mother.
I'll get you
an hors d'oeuvre.

No, thank you, dear.

It's just sour cream
and blue cheese.

I wish you hadn't said that.

Uh, maybe you'd like
to lie down?

No, thank you, dear.
I can't lie down
without my board.

Right now,
all I want to do is
see the apartment.

Well, then...
Help you up.

Up.
(SIGHS CHEERFULLY)

Corie.

Corie!
Do you like it?

Like it?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

It's magnificent.

My!

Oh, it's... And you
did it all by yourself.

No. Actually,
Mr. Velasco gave me
a few ideas.

ETHEL: Who?
Our decorator.

He comes in
through the window
once a week.

Oh, the man that lives upstairs.

Oh, you've heard about him, eh?

Oh, yes. Corie had me
on the phone for
two hours yesterday.

Did you know that
he's been married
four times, Mom?

Yes. If I were you, dear,
I'd sleep with a gun.

Mother...

See, we did get the bed in.

Yes. Just fits,
doesn't it?

Just. We have
to turn in unison.

Well, I must admit,

I never expected
anything like this.

Can't wait to see the expression

on your parents'
faces tonight, Paul.

I beg your... My what?

Your mother and father.

We're having dinner
with them tonight,
aren't we?

Isn't that what
you told me, Corie?

Is that what
you told her, Corie?
(SIGHS)

Well, if I told you
had a blind date with
Mr. Velasco upstairs,

I couldn't have
blasted you
out of the house.

Blind date with Mr. Velasco...

The man that lives upstairs...

Good God!

What's all
the panic, Mother?
He's just a man.

My accountant is just a man.

You make him sound
like Douglas Fairbanks.

He looks nothing
like Douglas Fairbanks.
Does he, Paul?

No. He just jumps like him.

Come on, Mother.

I promise you,
you're going to have
a marvelous evening.

Come on where?

Up to Mr. Velasco's
for cocktails.

But I'm not even dressed!

You look fine.

Oh, for Paul's parents
I just wanted
to look clean.

He'll think I'm a nurse.

He'll think
you're very
interesting.

Is my hair
all right?
Yes, it's fine.

Just push it up
a bit in back.
Oh, right.

Paul, is something
wrong with my hair?

Mother, listen,
just try to go along
with everything.

What do you mean?
Where are we going?

I mean, try to be
one of the fellows.

One of what fellows?
Should I go first?

Go where?

Up there.
That's where
the birdman lives.

(SOFTLY) Good Lord.

Oh.
Go on, Paul.

Yes.

It's all right, Mother.
I'll be right behind you.

ETHEL: Oh! (SCREAMS)

Mother, are you
all right?
Yes, oh, my!

You should've
told me about this.

I'd have gone into training.

I've got you.
Paul, pull her up.

Give me your hand, Mom.

Oh, my arm.
You're pulling my arm!

Paul, stop pulling her arm.

PAUL: I'm not pulling.
I'm helping.

Oh.

(ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Thank you.

Ooh! Isn't this wild?

Huh? What do you
think, Mother?

I think I've
broken some straps.
Hello?

Ah, my guests.

Paul...
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I beg your pardon?
I was just saying
hello in Burmese.

Corie, ra-vi-shing!
What does that mean?

Ravishing.
That's English.

(LAUGHING)

Uh, Paul, won't you
do the honors?
Yes, of course.

Mr. Velasco, I don't believe
that you've met Corie's
mother, Mrs. Banks.

Mom, this is
our new neighbor,
Mr. Velasco.

How do you do?
Oh, Mrs. Banks.

I've been looking forward
so to meeting you.

I invited your daughter
to my cocktail party,

and she spent
the entire evening
talking of nothing but you.

That must've
been a dull party.
Not at all.

Oh, I mean,
if she did nothing
but talk about me,

that must've been dull,
not the party.

(LAUGHS) I understand.

Thank you.
Won't you sit down?

Whoosh!
Aren't these marvelous?

Yes, they're marvelous.

And now...

(SIZZLING)

Knichi!
Knichi?

It's an hors d'oeuvre, Mother.

Mr. Velasco
makes them himself.
He's a famous gourmet.

Gourmet. Imagine.

Didn't you once cook
for the King of Sweden?

Well, we belong
to the same
gourmet society.

One hundred and fifty
charter members,

including the King,
Prince Philip,

Fidel Castro.
Fidel Castro, too?

Yes. We meet once
every five years

for a dinner we cook ourselves.

In 1987, they're supposed
to come to my house.

We have another 30 seconds.

Until what?
Until they're edible.

The last 15 seconds,
we just let them
sit there and breathe.

Oh, Paul,
aren't they gorgeous?
Yeah.

You know,
when you eat knichi,
you take a bite into history.

Knichi is over 2,000 years old.

Not this particular
batch, of course.
Oh, well, no.

(LAUGHING SHRILLY)

Mr. Velasco,
would you be a traitor
to the society

if you told us what's in them?

Well, if caught, your taste buds

are ostracized for two years.

But since I'm among friends...

It's bits of salted fish,
grated olives,

spices, and onion batter.

Ready? Five,

four, three, two, one, zero.

Mrs. Banks.
Oh. Thank you.

What kind of fish is it?
Eel.

Eel?
Eel.

That's why
the time element
is so essential.

Eel spoils quickly.

Mrs. Banks, you're not eating.

I had a martini
and a pink pill,
and I think...

Oh, please, please.

The temperature
of the knichi
is very important.

You must eat it now.

In five minutes,
we throw it away.

ETHEL: Oh, wouldn't
want you to do that.

No, no. Pop it.

I beg your pardon?
If you nibble that,
knichi tastes bitter.

You must pop it. Look.

See?
Oh, yes.

(LAUGHS) Here.

Oh, thank you.

(COUGHS)

Mother, are you all right?

(CHOKING)
I think I popped it
back too far.

(COUGHS)

Was that water?

No. Vodka.
I use it in the knichi.

Oh, my stomach.

Of course,
the trick is to pop it

right to the center
of the tongue.

Then it gets the benefit
of the entire palate.
Corie.

Well, here goes.

How about that?
Perfect!

You are
the prettiest epicurean
I've ever seen.

Paul.

No. No, thank you.
I... I have a bad arm.

You can try.
Paul, you have
to try everything.

Right, Mr. Velasco?

Well, as the French say,
"At least once."

Ah.

Bitter. Right?

You know why, don't you?

I nibbled, I didn't pop.

Yeah. Have another one.
And try to pop...

No, no. I don't care
to pop another one. Really.

Besides, I think we're over
the five-minute-limit
now anyway.

Well, are we ready
to go out to dinner?

Why, I thought
we were going
to have dinner at your flat.

No. We had a fire in our stove.

Goodness.
What happened?

Nothing. We just turned it on.

If you're looking
for the unusual,
I have a suggestion.

That's what we want.
The unusual,
right, Mother?

Oh, you know me,
one of the fellows.

Then we're off
to The Four Winds.

The Chinese restaurant
on 53rd Street?

No, the Albanian restaurant
on Staten Island.

We'll have to take a ferry.

Ferry? In February.

I love it already!
Come on, Mother.

Paul, help her.
Yep.

Oh, dear! It won't
let go of me. (CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Now, don't expect
anything lavish
in the way of decor.

Actually, I'm not even
certain they have
a restaurant license.

How quaint.

Mr. Velasco,
don't you wear a coat?

Well, it's only 30 degrees.

For me, it's springtime.

Ready? My group,
stick close to me.

If anyone gets lost,

we'll meet at the
United States Embassy.

Where were you?
Getting my gloves.

Gloves. What do you
need gloves for?
It's only 30 degrees.

Oh. I'm sorry, I forgot.
We're having a heat wave.

Do you have a dime?
Yeah.

Would you look at her?
Look at her.

She's freezing to death,
but she wouldn't
admit that.

I'll admit it.
I'm freezing to death.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) Hi!

Hello!

Voila!

Come on, Mother.

Uh, listen, are you sure
we're in the right place?

What? Inhale.

This way.
Heavenly!

(READING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
The Four Winds.

I bid you, now enter
a gastronomical paradise.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Kishama!

Velasco! (LAUGHS)

Mmm! You taste delicious!

You think so?
I put myself on the menu.

(LAUGHS)
How many people you got?

Four. All cold,
all tired,
and all starving.

Good.
First you drink,
then you eat,

then you go up to my bed

and take a little sleep, huh?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Get up! Huh!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

A-ha, Ouzo,
my beautiful,
beloved Ouzo.

Paul, do you drink?

Yes, thank you.
Ouzo, I'd like a scotch,
please.

No, no.
Uh, this is Ouzo.

She is Mushka.

Paul, didn't you
know this was Ouzo?

No.

Is the glass dirty?

What color is Ouzo?

White.
It's dirty.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

To the beginning
of new friendships.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(CHUCKLING)
What does that mean?

I don't know.
I just made it up.

Cheers!
(LAUGHS) Cheers!

(GRUNTS) Oh!

Wow! Whoo!
(LAUGHING)

Here's to your
health, Mom.
Thank you. To my health.

(COUGHS)
Have another one,
quickly.

Oh, no, thank you, really.

Oh, please.
One can make you sick.

Two starts you
on the road
to recovery.

Pelmenchki!
(POPPING)

I don't believe it!

Taste it. You still
won't believe it.

Pelmenchki!
For us!

He only makes it twice a year.

Hmm, if you like it,
I make you more
next July.

(CHUCKLES)
To pelmenchki.

Pour it in right away.
Otherwise, it goes sour.

(SIZZLING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, it's Mushka.

(SINGING FOLK SONG)

Hey, I like that.
What are they playing?

It's an old Albanian folk song.

Shama, Shama.
What does that mean?

Uh, Jimmy crack corn,
and I don't care.

No kidding.

(FOLK SONG CONTINUES)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(TEMPO INCREASES)

(SINGING FOLK SONG)

Hey! Wait!

I'll race you up the stairs!

No, no, no!

Oh, you!

Oh!
(LAUGHS)

Oh! No, you don't.

No!
No, no, no.

(SQUEALING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no.

(PANTING)

I won!

(PANTING)

I won.
(LAUGHING)

That was not a fair race.
You tickled me.

(PANTING)

Hey, how do you say it again?

Say what?

Waiter, there's
a fly in my soup.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

No, no, no...
No?

That's, "Fly,
you have a waiter
in my soup."

(LAUGHING)
Oh, well, I did.

He put his hand in
to take out the fly.
(LAUGHING)

Oh! How's my head
going to feel tomorrow?

Wonderful!
No headache?

No, no headache.

But you won't
be able to make a fist
for three days.

Hey!
Look at that!

(CHUCKLES)
Coffee. We promised
to make coffee.

Oh! And a promise is a promise!

I forgot the stove doesn't work.

Hey, upstairs,
everybody, for coffee.

Don't you two want coffee?

Oh, they'll drink it
if we make it.

Don't you two go away.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(CORIE AND VICTOR LAUGHING)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

I feel like we've died.

And gone to heaven.

Only we had to climb up.

Struck down
in the prime of life.

It isn't exactly that
I feel sick, just...

Kind of numb.

And I can't make a fist.

Mom, you want to hear
something frightening?

My teeth feel soft.

Huh. It's funny.

The best thing
we had all night
was the knichi.

Oh, anyway, Corie
had a good time.

She seems to get
such a terrific kick
out of living.

You've got
to admire that,
don't you, Paul?

Yes, yes.
I'd admire anybody

who has
three portions
of pelmenchki.

I tried, Paul.

I just couldn't seem
to work up an appetite
the way they did.

No, no, you mustn't
blame yourself, Mom.

We're not used
to that kind of food,
that's all.

You don't pick up a fork
and dig into a black salad.

You've got to play with it.

I don't think
I could get through
coffee tonight.

I'm all out of pink pills.

Where are you going?

Home. I'd like to die
in my own bed.

What will I tell them?

Make up some clever little lie.

Tell Corie I'm not
really her mother.

We've decided
to have flaming brandy.

I'm afraid you must
excuse me, darling,
but it is a little late.

Mother, you can't go.
It's the shank
of the evening.

I know, darling,
but I have a 10:00
dentist appointment at 9:00

and it's been
a very long evening,

and I don't know
what I'm saying.

Mother,
you can't do that...
Darling.

Good night, Paul.

Good night, Mr. Velasco.

Good night, Paul.
Good night.

Good night, Corie.

No, you're not going, too?

Well, of course.
I'm going to drive
Mrs. Banks home.

Oh, no. I mean,
oh, no, it's too late.

For what?
For the buses.
They stop at 2:00.

How would you ever get home?

Why worry about that now?

I'll meet that problem
in New Jersey.

Oh, really, Mr. Velasco,
it's very sweet, but I...

Victor.
What?

Well, if we're going
to spend the rest
of the evening together,

it must be Victor.
Oh.

And I insist that
the arrangement
be reciprocal.

What is it?

What is what?

Your name, Mother.

It's Ethel.

Oh, yes.
Ethel, that's right.
My name is Ethel.

That's better.
Are you ready, Ethel?

If you insist, Walter.

Victor. It's Victor.

Yes, Victor.
Good night, Paul.

Shama, shama, Corie.
Shama, shama.

If you don't hear
from us in a week,

we'll be in
the National Hotel
in Mexico City.

Room 703.
Come on, Ethel.

What did he mean by that?

Stop worrying, Mother.

And call me in the morning.
Oh.

How about that?
He likes her!

He likes my mother!

He'll probably
have to sleep over.

Hey, Paul, do you
suppose that...

Not my mother.

(SIGHS)

Boy, what a night!

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's take the bottle
of scotch downstairs

and ring all the bells
and yell, "Police."

Huh? Just to see
who comes out
of whose apartment?

What's the matter,
darling?
Don't you feel well?

What a rotten
thing to do
to your own mother.

What?

Dragging your mother
like that out into
the middle of the harbor

for a bowl of sheep dip.

It was Greek bean soup.

And at least she tasted it.

I mean,
she didn't jab
at it with her knife

throwing cute
little epigrams like,

"Ho, ho, ho.
I think there's
somebody in there."

That's, um,
quite a match
you made.

I can just hear
the conversation.
Sparkling dialogue.

He's telling her about some

great Japanese restaurant
in East Berlin,

and she's describing
the joys of having
a root canal job.

Give me your hand, Ethel.

My what?

Your hand.
There is ice
on the stoop.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I can manage.

(GASPS)

Ethel.
Are you all right?

Uh... Oh.

Well.

I just can't understand

how you can be
so unconcerned
about all this.

I really...
Unconcerned?

Do you think
I'm gonna get
one wink of sleep

until that phone rings tomorrow?

I'm scared to death
for my mother.

And I'm grateful
there's finally something
to be scared about.

What I'm really
concerned about
is you.

Me? Me?

Yeah. I'm beginning
to wonder if you're capable
of having a good time.

Why? Because I like
to wear my gloves
in winter?

No.

Because there
isn't the least bit
of adventure in you.

You know what
you are, Paul?
You're a watcher.

You're a watcher.
There are watchers
in this world,

and there are doers.

And the watchers
sit around watching
the doers do.

Well, tonight
you watched,
and I did.

Yeah, well, it was
a little bit harder
to watch what you did

than it was for you
to do what I was watching.

You can't even relax
for one evening.

I don't know, Paul,
sometimes you act
like a...

What? Hmm?

A stuffed shirt?
Is that it?

I didn't say that.
No, that's what
you were implying.

Ah, no. That's what
you're anticipating.

I didn't say
stuffed shirt.
Mmm-hmm.

But you're extremely
proper and dignified.

Proper and dignified?
When was I proper
and dignified?

The other night
at Delfino's, you
were drunk, right?

Right. I was stoned.

Exactly.
I didn't even know it

until you told me
in the morning.

I mean,
you're a funny kind
of drunk, Paul.

You just sat around
looking unhappy,
watching your coat.

I was watching my coat

because I saw
someone else
watching my coat.

Look, if you want,
I'll get drunk
for you sometime,

make your hair stand on end.

(WHILE BRUSHING)
It isn't necessary.

Do you know
that in Harry's bar
last New Year's Eve,

I punched an old woman?

Don't tell me about drunk.

When else?
When else was I
proper and dignified?

All the time.

You're always
dressed right.
You always look right.

You always say the right thing.

You're very nearly perfect.

That's a rotten thing to say.

Before we were married,
I thought you slept
with a tie.

No, just for very formal sleeps.

Boy, you have
absolutely no sense
of the ridiculous.

Like last Thursday night,

you wouldn't walk
barefoot with me in
Washington Square Park.

Why not?
Simple answer.
It was 17 degrees.

Exactly.

It's very logical,
it's very sensible,

and it's no fun.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am
a little bit too proper
and dignified for you.

Maybe you would've been happier

with somebody
a little bit more
colorful and flamboyant.

Like the geek.

Well, it'd be a lot
more laughs than
a stuffed shirt.

I thought you said I wasn't.

Well, you are now.

I'm not going to listen to this.

I'm not gonna listen
to this, I have a case
in court in the morning.

Where are you going?
To sleep.

Now? How can you
go to sleep now?

I'm gonna close my eyes
and count knichis.
Good night, dear.

You cannot
go to sleep now, Paul.
We're having a fight.

Well, you have the fight.
When you're through,

would you turn off
these lights, please?

Oh, that gets me
absolutely insane!

You can even control
your emotions!

No, no, now.
I'm just as upset
as you are.

But when I get hungry,
I eat.
When I get tired, I sleep.

And you eat and sleep too.
Don't deny it, I've seen you.

Not in middle of a crisis.

What crisis?
We're just yelling.

You don't consider
this a crisis?

Our whole marriage
is hanging
in the balance.

It is?
When did this happen?

Just now.
It has suddenly become
very clear to me

that you and I have
absolutely nothing
in common.

Why, because
I won't go walking
barefoot in the park?

You don't have a case,
Corie. Adultery, yes,
but cold feet, no.

Don't you oversimplify this.

I am angry, Paul.
Can't you see that?

It's 2:15.

If I can get to sleep
in half an hour, I can get
about five hours sleep.

I'll call you from court
tomorrow, and we'll fight
over the phone. Hmm?

You will not go to sleep, Paul.

You will stay here
and fight to save
our marriage!

If our marriage hinges
on those fishbowls
and pelmenchki,

it is not worth saving.

Now, dear, I'm crawling into
our tiny little single bed.

If you care to join me,
we're sleeping from
left to right tonight.

You won't discuss it!
You're afraid
to discuss it!

I married a coward!

Would you bring in a pail?
The closet's dripping.

Oh, I hate you!
I really, really hate you!

Listen! All right,
wait a minute, Corie.

There's one thing
I've learned in court.

Be careful when you're
tired and angry.

You may say something
you will soon regret.

I am now tired and angry.

And a coward!

Listen, maybe you're right then.

Maybe we don't have
anything in common.

Maybe two people should
have more than just
a blood test first.

Maybe they should
be checked first for
a little common sense,

understanding,
and emotional maturity!

All right.

Why don't
you get it passed
by the Supreme Court?

Only those couples
bearing a certificate
from their psychiatrist

proving that they're
emotionally mature
can be married.

Oh, listen...
Don't touch me!

Don't you lay a finger on me!
I can't stand
having you near me!

What?
I don't even want to be
in the same room with you!

What's going on here?
You're hysterical.

I am not hysterical!

I know exactly
what I'm saying, Paul.

It's all over between us.

And it's never going
to be any good anymore.

(MUTTERING)
I'm sorry.
I don't want to cry.

Cry, please. Go ahead.

Don't you tell me when to cry!

I'm gonna cry when
I feel like crying.
(SNIFFLES)

And I'm not gonna have
my cry until you are out
of this apartment.

What do you mean
"out of this apartment"?

Well, you certainly don't think

we're going to live
here anymore, do you?

After this?

Are you serious?

Of course
I'm serious, Paul!
I want a divorce!

Divorce!

I'm sorry, Paul.
I can't discuss it anymore.

Where are you going?

To bed.

You can't, not now.
You did before.

In the middle of a fight,
this is in the middle
of a divorce.

I'm sorry, Paul.
I can't talk to you
when you are hysterical.

I want to know
why you want a divorce.

Huh?

Why?

Because you and I
have absolutely
nothing in common.

Nothing in common?

What about the six days
at The Plaza, Corie?

Six days does not a week make.

What does that mean?

I don't know!

I don't know what it means.

All I know is that
I want a divorce.

You know, I think you mean it.

You mean this?

I do.

I really do.

(SNIFFLING)

That's just... Great.

(SOBBING)

I thought you
weren't going to cry.
Well, I am!

I'm gonna cry,
I'm going to have
the biggest cry

I've ever had in my whole life,

and I'm going to enjoy it!

Because I'm gonna cry so hard

I'm gonna keep you
awake all night.

Good night, Paul.
I mean, goodbye.

(MUTTERING)

(CORIE SOBBING)

"Six days does
not a week make."

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Here, it's for you.
I don't live here anymore.

(RINGING STOPS)

Fine. Fine.

You work and work
for a lousy 6 cents.
(MUTTERING ANGRILY)

Doesn't matter.
I don't care.

(MUTTERING)

I don't know why I even bother.

There's just no sense,
there's no...

(SNEEZING)

One pound of grapes.
Anything else?

No, thank you.
(SNIFFLING)

(SNEEZES)

God bless him.

If that's for tonight,
you needn't bother.
I have my own dinner.

I thought you were moving out.

I haven't had a chance
to look for a room yet.

I work during the day, you know.

You'll look tonight.

I happen to be
coming down with a cold.

That's why I'm home early.

I just thought I'd take
a couple of aspirins and
get right into the sofa.

I'm sure you can find someplace.

You could stay at your club.

It's not that kind of a club.

It's a locker room
and a handball court.

To sleep over, I'd have
to keep winning the serve.

Hello, Mrs. Bratter,
Mr. Bratter.

How's every little thing?

The little things are fine.

Shall I charge it, Mr. Bratter?

Charge it to Mrs. Bratter.
It's a new account.

The grapes are his.

(CUTLERY CLINKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
It's open!

Hi.
(PANTING) Hello again.

Phone's out of order.

Yeah. I know.

I wouldn't be up here
on a social call.

Hey, you did a real nice job.

Thank you.

Know anybody that
might want to rent it?

Rent it?
You moving already?

Yeah, I'm looking
for a smaller place.

Smaller than this,
they're not easy to find.
(CHUCKLES)

So, how do you
like married life?

Very interesting.

Hello.
I'm the telephone man.

I'm the husband.

Well, let's see what's
wrong with the phone.

It's dead.

I know.
It was murdered
last night.

I'll be out of here
as fast as I can.

Take your time.
Nobody's rushing you.

Is there any beer
in the house?
(SNIFFLES)

I said,
"Is there any beer
in the house?"

Would you like me to look?

There's no beer in the house.

There is no beer.

(HARRY GASPS)

That's my trouble, beer.

I can drink 10 cans
in a night of beer.

(HUMMING)

Ah.

(SNIFFLES)

My laundry come back today?

Yes, your laundry
came back today.

They stuffed your shirts
beautifully.

(WHISTLING)

Would you like a drink?

(HUMMING)

I said, "Would you
like a drink?"

Who?
You.

Me?
Yeah.

No.
Right.

(WHISTLING FRANTICALLY)

Just one more little
screw will do it.

There.
I'm finished.
I'm finished.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh!

Hello. Yes, it is.

Just a moment.
It's Aunt Harriet.

I don't have an Aunt Harriet.

I guess you won't
be needing me anymore.
Goodbye.

Aunt Harriet, can you
hang on a second?

When do I get it?

Get what?

My divorce,
when do I get my divorce?

How should I know?
They didn't even send
the marriage license yet.

I want you out of here tonight.

Right now.
Fine. Just great.
I'll get my bag.

I'll pack my wet suits.

Hi, Aunt Harriet.
Yeah, what's wrong?

I'll go sleep
in the park, where
it's dry and warm.

No, mother's not with me.

Uh-uh, she left about
2:00 this morning.

Yeah? What happened?

What?

Mother?

My mother?

Are you sure?
What's the matter?
What happened?

No. My phone's been
out of order all day.

Aunt Harriet, listen.
Don't get excited.

I'll call you back
as soon as I find out
anything. Yeah, goodbye.

What's the matter
with your mother?

Mother didn't
come home last night.

God, her bed
hasn't been slept in.

I'm gonna call the police.

Take it easy.
Just take it easy.
There's nothing to be...

Don't you understand?
Mother wasn't in her
bedroom this morning.

Maybe her back
was bothering her,

and she fell asleep
on the ironing board.

Oh, would you
just go away?
Just go away.

Where are you going?
Upstairs to find out
what happened to my mother.

And you better not come back

'cause I'm buying
a big dog tomorrow.

That's fine, just fine.

Now you'll have somebody
to walk barefoot
in the park with.

(LAUGHS)
A dog. That's a laugh.

Wait till she tries
to take him out for a walk,

he'll get one look
at those stairs and go
right for her throat.

Mr. Velasco,
can I see you
for a minute?

Here is a dog.
A little doggie.

Fortunately,
I don't need anybody
to protect me, sweetheart,

because I am a man,
independent, mature,

self-sufficient man...
(SNEEZES)

Oh! God bless me.

I've probably
got the flu. Yeah.

Chills, fever, sweating.

Probably have
the 24-hour virus.

Better tomorrow
at quarter to 4:00.

Oh!

Thanks. Thanks a lot, pal.

And thus it was written.

"Some shall die
by pestilence,
some by the plague..."

And one poor schnook
is gonna get it from
a hole in the ceiling.

(SIGHS) That's it. That's it.

Bye, leaky closet.

Bye, no bathtub.

Bye, hole.

Goodbye, six flights.

Oh!
Goodbye, Corie.

Oh, no goodbye?

According to law,
I'm entitled to...
Goodbye!

(SOBBING)

What? Is it your mother?

Corie, what is it, an accident?

Corie, for Pete's sake,
what's it about?

Daughter, listen,
it's not the way
it looks at all.

Good God.

Corie, you've got to believe me.

Somebody believe me.

I warned her.

I warned her, and I was right.

He warned me, and he was right.

It must have been
the drinks, Corie.

I had a great deal
to drink last night.

I had martinis, vodka,
coffee, black bean soup,
and Ouzo.

That's not my problem.

I'm well out of it now.

Ah!

And after I fell,
Victor picked me up
and carried me inside.

I couldn't walk
because my shoes
fell down the sewer.

You don't have
to explain, Mother.

He started to carry me up here,

but his hat fell over his eyes,

and we fell
down the stairs,
into apartment 3C.

I fell on his foot.

I thought we were gonna
have a nice sociable evening.

Then Mr. Gonzales,
Mr. Armandariz,
and Mr. Calhoun

carried us both up there

and put us down on the rugs.

When I woke up
in the morning
Victor was gone,

and I was there in his bathrobe.

Oh, Mother!

I swear that's the truth, Corie!

(SNIFFLES) Got a cold.

I've had one for 20 years.

(SNIFFLES)

Ah!

Hey, that's a nice coat
you got there.

What?

Huh?
Your coat.

I'll make you a trade.
What have you got?

Nothing.

It's a deal!

You must believe me.
I've told you everything.

Then where are your clothes?

That I can't tell you.
Why not?

You won't believe me.
I'll believe you.

No, you won't.
I will.

Mother, where are your clothes?

I don't know.
I don't believe you.

Didn't I tell you
you wouldn't believe me?

I don't know where they are.

Corie, I've never
been so humiliated
in all my life.

I kept having
the most horrible
nightmares.

I kept dreaming
my fingers
were falling off

because I couldn't make a fist.

(GASPS)

It's me.

(CRASH)

Mr. Velasco, are you all right?

If a broken toe
is all right, I'm fine.

Hello, Ethel.
Hello, Victor...

Mr. Victor.
Mr. Velasco.

I couldn't get up
the ladder again.

Ethel, did you tell Corie
what happened last night?

Why? What happened last night?

Ooh, last night.
Yes.

Yes.
Take his arm, Mother.

I knew I would come to this,
being helped by women.

(GROANS)
Oh, dear, does
your foot hurt?

Compared to my stomach, no.

I think I have a new ailment

which I shall call
"intestinal volcano".

Are there little men in there

running around in spiked shoes?

And pointy steel helmets,

and they keep
jumping up and down,
up and down.

How long has this been going on?

It hardly ever happens,
except after every meal.

I knew it.
Welcome to my club.

I think you have an ulcer.

An ulcer? Me?
From what?

Too many spicy foods.

You'll have to get used
to taking little pink pills.

Oh, I'd rather die,

but first I must get rid
of this headache.

Corie, do you have
about 300 aspirins?

You know, Ethel, I don't think
I'm as young as I think I am.

Why do you say that?
Well, isn't that obvious?

Last night, I couldn't
carry you up the stairs.

I can't eat rich food anymore.

And I dye my hair, my...

Well, it's very nice.
Thank you.

So are you.

You know, Ethel,
you are
a very unusual woman.

Unusual? In what way?

VICTOR: I took
a long look
at you last night.

Do you know what
you are, Ethel?
What?

A good sport.

Oh, a good sport.

To have gone all through
you did last night.

The trip to Staten Island,
the strange food,

being carried up
to my apartment like that.

(CHUCKLING)

If you remember, eh?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Mr. Velasco,
where are my clothes?

Oh, your clothes. Here.

I'm sure I wore more than that.

It's a cleaning ticket.

They're sending
them up at 4:00.

Oh, they're at the cleaners.

When did I take them off?

You didn't. You were
drenched and out cold.

Gonzales took them off.

Mr. Gonzales?
Not Mister...
Dr. Gonzales.

Oh, the doctor.
Dr. Gonzales.

I guess that's all right, then.

How convenient to have
an M.D. in the building.

He is not an M.D.
He's a doctor
of philosophy.

(LAUGHING)

Here. Aspirin.

No, thank you.
I'm feeling
much better now.

I'll take them.

Well, I must go.

Someone is calling
about renting
my apartment.

From now on,
I take elevators.
(GROANS)

Oh, dear,
is there anything
I can do for you?

Yes, there is.

Would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?
Me?

That is
if you don't mind
eating plain food.

I love plain food.
Good.

I'll call the New York
hospital for a reservation.

I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Whatever you say, Victor.

Now, that's funny.
I was getting
used to Walter.

You know what
I could use
right now?

A double Ouzo.

What I really could use
is a new outfit.

Mother, can I talk to you?

Do you realize
I slept without
a board last night?

For the first time in years,

I slept without a board!

Mother...

You don't suppose Ouzo
is some kind of a Greek
miracle drug, do you?

Mother, there's something
I've got to talk
to you about.

Oh, Corie, how sweet of you.
You're worried about me.

I'm not worried about you.

Oh, my hair.

I wonder what I
could do with my hair?

Paul and I are
getting a divorce.

A divorce?
That's right.

Paul and I are
splitting up for good.

You and Paul?

I don't believe you.

You saw him leaving
the apartment
with his suitcase.

What did you think
he had in there?

I don't know,
I know how neat he is.

I thought maybe the garbage.

Mother, I believe you.
Why don't you believe me?

Because in my entire life,

I've never seen
two people more in love
than you and Paul.

Well, maybe that
was true yesterday,

but it sure
isn't true today.
(SNIFFLES)

It couldn't have
been all your fault.

No? Because of me,
you were running around
without your clothes

and Paul is out there
in the streets
with a cold,

looking for a place to sleep.

Whose fault is that?

Yours.

You want
to know something
that may shock you?

I still love you.

And Paul loves you, too.

And I love him.

I don't know what he wants.

I don't know how
to make him happy.

What am I going to do, Mother?

That's the first time
you've asked my advice
since you were 10.

It's really very simple.

All you have to do
is give up a little bit
of you for him.

Don't make everything a game,

just late at night
in that little room
upstairs.

Take care of him.

Make him feel important.

If you can do that,
you'll have a happy
and wonderful marriage,

like two out of
every 10 couples.

You'll be one of the two, baby.

Now get out of here
and go find him.

I've got a date.

Aunt Harriet isn't going
to believe a word of this.

If you don't hear
from me tomorrow,

I'll be in
the National Hotel
in Mexico City,

room 703.
(SNAPS FINGERS)

(PAUL LAUGHING)

Paul, it is you!

I doubt that very much.

I've been looking
for you everywhere.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, well, you'll never find me.

(LAUGHING)

Your coat!
Where's your coat?

Coat? I don't need a coat.

It's only two degrees.

(BOTTLE CLINKING)

What have you been doing?

Oh. (LAUGHING)

What have I been doing?

Just what have I been doing?

I've been walking
barefoot in the park.

Paul, you're crazy.

Shh!

But guess what I am?

You're drunk.

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

You finally noticed!

(LAUGHING)

You're lousy, stinking drunk.

(VOCALIZING)

Oh, I see you still
have your shoes.

Boy, what a stuffed shirt.

Paul, no!

Paul!

Paul?

Paul, are you all right?

Corie, I got to
tell you something.

No, later.

No, now. I got to tell you now.

I got all the way
down the stairs,

suddenly it hit me.

Suddenly I saw
everything clearly
for the first time.

I said to myself,
"This is crazy.

"This is crazy.

"It's all wrong
for me to run away
like this.

"There's only one
right thing to do."

Really, Paul? What?

You get out.

(LAUGHING)

(SNEEZING)

Why should I get out?
The lease is in my name.

I'm going home.

Drop in anytime.

You know my address.

After all,
a man's home
is his castle.

I'm home, castle.

Oh! Oh, still here?

Well, I will...

I will give you 10 minutes

to pack up
your pelmenchki
and go.

(SNEEZING)

Paul, you're burning up
with a fever.

How about that?

You're going to get pneumonia.

If that's what you want,
that's what I'll get.

Paul, would you
get these shoes off?
They're soaking wet.

I can't. My feet
have swellened.

I never should have
let you out of here.
I know you had a cold.

Corie, I've got an idea.

Let's do that thing
that you said before.

Let's go wake all the police

and see if they come out
of the crazy neighbors.

This building
is under arrest!
Everybody out!

Paul...
What?

Will you
get into bed?
You get in first.

You're sick.
Not that sick.

No, Paul, stop it!

Stop it.

I mean it. Stop it.

Ha! Come here, cutie.
Come on, Paul, stop it.

No! I'm warning you.

Hey, you're pretty when
you're mean and rotten.

Paul, keep away from me!
I'm gonna scream!

Shh!

There's snow on the roof.
We'll have an avalanche.

You're not supposed
to be walking around.
You've got a fever.

Stand still,
the both of you.
(SHRIEKS)

Hey...
Open this door.

I can't. I'm scared.

Of me?
Yes.

Why?

'Cause it's not you anymore.
I want the old Paul back.

(SCOFFS) That fuddy-duddy?

He's not a fuddy-duddy.
He's strong
and dependable.

And he takes care of me

and protects me
from people like you.

I just want him to know
how much I love him.

And I'm gonna make
everything here exactly
the way he wants it.

I'll fix the hole
in the skylight

and the leak in the closet.

And I'll put in a bathtub.

And I'll even carry him
upstairs every night,

'cause that's
how much I love him.

Paul?

Paul?

Hey.

Paul?

Paul!

(YELPS)

My God, you idiot,
you're gonna kill yourself!

Come down from there.
No.

I want to be a nut,

just like everybody else
in this building!

(SCREAMS) No.

No, Paul, I don't want
you to be a nut.
Come down, please.

No.

Not until you've
said it again,
loud and clear.

Anything, Paul, anything.

My husband...

My husband...

(SNEEZING)

Paul Bratter...

Paul Bratter...

Rising young attorney...

(SCREAMING)
Rising young...

Rising young attorney...

Is a lousy, stinking drunk.

Is a lousy, stinking drunk.

And I love him.

I love you, too, Corie.

Even when
I didn't like you,
I loved you.

Then, Paul, would
you please come
down from there?

I can't, not now.

Why?

'Cause I'm going to be sick.

Oh, no!
Oh, yes.

Don't move, Paul.
I'm gonna be right up
there to get you.

Would you do that?
Because I'm getting
panicky.

Paul, I'm coming.
I'm coming.

Corie? Co... Corie!

Corie!
What?

What, Paul, what?

Don't leave me.

Paul, listen,
you're gonna be all right.

Just hold on tight
and try to be calm.

How? (STAMMERING)
What should I do?

What should he do?
What should he do?

Sing.

Sing?

Sing, Paul.
Sing as loud as you can.

And don't stop till I get there.

You promise me
you'll keep singing.

I promise.
I'll keep singing.

Okay, now don't stop
until I get there, Paul.

I love you, darling.
Keep singing, Paul.

Corie? Corie, Corie!

Corie!
What, Paul?

What song should I sing?

Shama, shama.

Shama?
Sing it, Paul.

(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Shama, shama.

(PAUL SINGING DRUNKENLY)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

What's happening?
I don't know.

They're looking up
at this house.

Oh, Paul.

Oh, good.
They made up.

♪ La la la...

♪ So come along My barefoot love

♪ To the fields
that shine with spring

♪ Though it's 10 below Let me go

♪ Knee-deep in daisies
with you ♪