Bare-Naked Survivor Again (2013) - full transcript

[Intro to song
"barely surviving"]

♪ Get a little more

♪ baby

♪ get a little more

♪ give a little more

♪ baby

♪ get a little more

[record scratch,
music stops]

[Music resumes]

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪ I see you searching for



something new ♪

♪ thinking you're the man,

boy, you ain't got a clue ♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪ Here comes my baby

♪ she's gonna make you crawl

♪ here comes my baby

♪ gonna push, push, push,

push until you fall ♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪ Barely surviving

♪ you got to get her here

with you ♪

♪ barely surviving



♪ love everything she do

♪ barely surviving

♪ you got to get her here

with you ♪

♪ barely surviving

♪ love everything she do

♪ Think you know what's going
down ♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪ The girl can blow you away

♪ can spin your world around

♪ here comes my baby

♪ she's gonna knock you out

♪ out

♪ here comes my baby

[camera shutter clicks]

♪ She's gonna make, make, make,

make, make you scream and

shout ♪

♪ barely surviving

vo: Black coffee, and I get an

onion bagel with cream cheese.

You got it?

Onion bagel with cream cheese.

You got it?

Get it! Go!

You're on the air.

Hi, I'm cliff probate.

Welcome to "barenaked survivor."

We're here this morning to go

see the girls.

This is where they're held up.

And we're gonna go wake them up.

Come on.

I love doing this shit.

Wake up, girls!

We are here at the room of our

very first contestant, Ruby.

And the door's open -- good

sign.

Hello, Ruby?

Hyah!

Jes--

hyah!

Jesus Christ!

Ruby:
Shit. I'm sorry.

You do realize I could have
killed you?

Yeah.

[Sighs]

All right, in the corps, we've

got a code.

Always got to have a code,

all right?

This is the code.

Okay.

You got it?

Got it.

All right, let me hear it.

But --

Ruby [os]:
What's wrong with this
guy?

Did you get that code?
Ruby [os]: What a retard.

Anybody get that code?

H-h-- r-r-Ruby?

Ruby [os]:
Jesus.

What is wrong with you?!

Are you retarded?!

Uh --

it's simple -- four, space!

[Strained voice]
Okay.

I got it -- four, space.

All right. You're right.

I'm sorry.

[Chuckling]
I'm sorry.

Phew.

All right, come on in.

Come on.

So, Ruby, what is it that

made you want to do this?

Well, being in the corps, my

life is really regimented, and

now I'd like to live a little --

you know, being on an island,

meeting new people.

I got a thing for the forest, I

got to tell you, you know?

So, Ruby, being in the corps

and all, did you ever, like, you

know, kill anybody?

What did you say?

Uh, no, I-I didn't mean --

I mean, you know, hey, look at

the time and all.

Hey, did anybody ever tell you

you look like that beautiful

actress, uh, uh -- you know, the

one in "bare wench."

What was her name?

Uh, j-j-j-Julie k. Smith.

Listen -- don't try to

sweet-talk me, all right?

Keep the sugar to yourself,

all right?

Yeah.

I mean, no, I didn't mean it.

I was just --

and by the way, remember that
code.

Yeah, right, I got the co--

four -- four and two and --
and...

Four knocks with a space
between each.

Y-Y-You want anything, maybe

some coffee or, like, a doughnut

or something?

No, I don't need anything.
You got a knife?

Knife?

Yeah, uh, sure, a knife, okay.

All right, yeah, okay. Goodbye.

Jesus Christ.

Well, I think Ruby needs a

little more time, so let's go
talk to babette, huh?

Babette?

Babette?

Babette [os]:
Qui, oui.
Bonjour.

Hello --

oh, my god.

Hello. Hi.

Hello. How are you?

Very well. How are you?

I'm very good.

Cliff: Nice to meet you.
Babette: Very nice to meet you.

My name's cliff.

Well, I am babette.

[Chuckles nervously]

Uh, so, um...

[Giggles]

[Clears throat]

Tell me about France.

Well, I will tell you, cliff.

See, in France, everything is
so beautiful, you know --

the food, everything.
It's just wonderful there.

This america is so boring.

But I thought if I came, it

would spice the place up, you
see?

V-V-Viva, la France, uh --

also, I would love to get my

green card, and I always have a
dream of being a big, big star.

You see?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're --
you're big.

I mean -- well --
[Chuckles nervously]

You're gonna be huge.

I mean, uh --
[Chuckles nervously]

Yes, I see.
I see what you mean.

[Clears throat]
Yeah, I was --

uh, you was -- you --

[sighs]
Well, you see, I like to be nude

most of the time.

It is much more better.

I mean, these clothes -- they
can be so restraining.

[Exhales sharply]

Babette [os]:
So, you know, a lot of the
time, I like to just take my

clothes off and run around free
anytime I like, you see?

And -- and you just, um,
don't mind t-taking them out and

letting them breathe, right?

[Giggles]

Well, anyways, cliff, you must
go to the other girls.

Shoo, shoo!

I must prepare for butta cheeka.

No, please, I'll just -- just

hang out here and watch those --

I mean, uh, watch out and...

No, no, cliff, I must have my
privacy now.

You must leave.
Please!

I don't want to tell you again!
Please leave!

All right.

Go, go! Please!

Do I have to?

Out of my room, please.

All right, already.

Out, out.

I'm going.

Bye-bye.

Parlez-vous and viva, la
France, uh...

Hey, let's go talk to some

midwestern-American girls now,
huh?

This is Dallas.

Dallas?

Yo, Dallas?

Dallas [os]:
Hello. Come on in.

So, tell me, Dallas, um,

what makes you want to be a
contestant?

Why?

Cliff [os]:
Yeah.

Well, besides the money, i'm
a real big outdoor enthusiast.

You know, like, I love hiking.

And I love breathing in the
fresh air.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I could just hike
for hours and hours and just be

so happy and go swimming and
paragliding.

Oh, I'm getting so excited!

Oh, my god!

[Gasps]

So, anyways, that's the reason.

Well, tell me a little bit

about yourself, like, how do you
measure up?

I mean, you know --

oh, measurements?
I'm a 34 "d," size 3.

[Chuckles]
Size 3 is always good, uh...

[Clears throat]

So, um, do you have any, like,

uh, men in your life, uh...

Life, uh --

oh, excuse me for a second.
Hold up right there.

Not -- not closer.

Well, I --

there's the door.

Oh, man.

Bye.

[Door closes]

Just one more thing -- I --

well, we're off to a great start

today, and our next girl is
Monica.

Monica?

Hi. It's me.

Monica:
Ugh.

[Clears throat]

Yeah, anyway, so, uh, let's go
talk to Angela.

So, Angela, what do you -- what

do you expect to gain from being
here on butta cheeka?

Angela:
Um...money, but really, I...

Want to feel some sort of
connection to nature.

I feel that I need to be more

balanced and harmonious with the

people around me and with
nature.

Um, I think that's a lot right
there.

Uh, so, uh...What are you
gonna do with the money?

I'm gonna donate it to, um,
Greenpeace.

And I'm gonna help save whales.

The w-- the whales?

Uh...o-okay, um...

I went to this concert,
and it was so cool, man.

I just -- I mean, the people
around me just made me like --

I was just vibing off of them,

and I just -- oh, I just felt so
connected and -- and I was just

so inspired to, you know, feel
connected to nature.

It was a really beautiful
experience.

Okay, uh, uh...

Uh, hey, I think we got to go
now.

You take care, and --

Angela [os]:
I'm feeling your love.

Oh, yeah, yeah, peace and
love to you, too, darling.

Oh, boy.

Cheryl:
Please, god, let me win.
Let me win this money.

I need this money so bad, and
I've been such a...

Let's see how Cheryl's doing
here.

Cheryl?

I've done the best in
everything.

Please let me win this money.
I need it.

She's praying.

[Chuckles]

So, uh, Cheryl, um, what is it
that made you want to be a

contestant here on
butta cheeka island?

Well, I was in, um, Mexico
recently, and I thought I

had, like, this weird vision.

Like, I don't know if it was --

someone came up to me,

I don't know if it was some

Mexican guy, or maybe it was
Jesus.

I have no idea.

But he came up to me and told me
to go on this show, go on this

show and win this money and that
I deserved it.

So that's why I'm here.

So, um, do you speak Spanish?

I'm really not sure 'cause I
don't speak Spanish, but I'm --

I'm assuming that's what it was.

I mean, I think that's what he
said.

I mean, that's what I got from
it.

[Chuckles]

And, um, where, uh --
w-w-where you from?

Actually, I'm from St. Louis,
Missouri.

Uh, St. Lou-- I, uh --

so, you know what, cliff?

I really need to get back to
praying because I really feel

that it'll benefit me if I
continue to pray.

Oh. Oh.

Okay, well, hey, tell Jesus I
said "hey."

Bye.

Okay, ladies, now, before we

leave -- this is very, very
important -- you're each allowed

to choose one additional item to
bring with you on the island.

Choose wisely, ladies, because
this one item could be the

difference between your living
or your dying.

You each have five seconds.

Ruby, what is your choice?

Crap. Crap. Crap.

My daddy said the good book
will see me through.

[Toy squeaking]

Useless. Useless.

Hmm.

They'll come in handy, but I
don't need them right now.

Ooooh!

Five seconds, Angela.

So, uh, babette, what is your
choice?

Babette: [Sighs]
Cliff: Take your time.

Angela, three seconds.

Hmm. Let's see.

Okay, toilet paper.

Nope, nope, nope.

Ahh.

[Sniffs]

Ugh!

Okay, guys, should we listen
to some groovy tunes, or should

we just take care of some
feminine business?

No, no. No, I joke.

Angela, time's up.

That means you -- time's up.

Is there like a bong or some

rolling papers, something useful
in here?

Ah! Bingo.

I like. I like.

Knife.

Hello, Angela?
Earth to Angela.

This will work.

Okay, tampons it is.

I'm ready. Let's go.

[Air brake hisses]

[Horn honks]

Cliff [vo]:
We are now approaching the
lush tropical paradise of

butta cheeka, known for both its
beauty and its savage danger.

For the next 30 days, these 6
brave, barely clad women are

going to be marooned on this
exotic island.

These courageous women will be
alone, facing the elements,

living as nature intended --

without food, without modern
conveniences, just six gorgeous

women, not a "y" chromosome
between them, except for me,

who will visit on occasion.

But, hey, that's my job.
Somebody's got to do it.

Not only will this be a test of
survival...

But also a test of
social skills.

Each week, one of the girls will
be voted out of the tribe, and

the last girl who remains will
win a buttload of money.

We are now approaching the lush

tropical paradise of
butta cheeka.

Like the ancient travelers of
old, it's time to leave the

vessel of your oceanic voyage
and rush to the virgin shores.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Hey, guys.

I declare this party island!

Whoo!

I just wanted to be on
American TV.

Bonjour, mama, papa.

Bonjour, my darling Pierre.

Did you miss these?

They missed you too.

Yes, they do.

[Giggles]

But before you can say
"gérard depardieu," babette will

be home with the buttload of
money.

Bye-bye.

[Smooches]

You know, I came to this
island for a few reasons.

First of all, I wanted to party,
second of all, I wanted to be

naked, and third, I wanted to do

all that with some hunky, studly
men.

Cliff [os]:
You know there's no guys on
the island, right?

What? There's no guys?

Not even like a tribe, like
wella hunga, bigga longa,

something like that?
God.

Ruby, is there, um, you know,

any truth to the rumor about
women in the military, you know?

I mean, like -- you know.

What is it, uh, "don't ask,
don't tell" and...

Are you asking me if I'm a
lesbian?

Well, I don't --

dude, have some balls
already, would you?

Just ask the question.

Well, well, uh --

I want to hear you say the
word -- am I a lesbian?

Are you a, you know, lesbian?

[Chuckling]
Am I a lesbian?

Yeah.

That's the funniest shit.
What, a woman can't be tough?

A woman can't defend herself?
A woman can't use a weapon?

I didn't say that.

That's a stigma.

That's the most ridiculous
stereotyping ever, all right?

Dick is a great friend of mine.

Dick and I hung out the night

before I came out here, all
right?

Now, don't ask me any more

questions about this lesbian
shit, all right?

Um --

you and I will get along
fine.

Remember the code -- secret

code -- and don't ever mention
"lesbian."

Okay. All right.

All right, are you done with
me?

You got something else you want
to talk to me about, or what?

'Cause I got a shelter to build.

Help.

Island butta cheeka.

I figured I could give Ruby a
hand, you know?

She would not be a bad person
to have on my side, so I

decided, maybe form an alliance
or something.

Could you use a hand?

Sure, if you can do it and
keep it quiet.

Look -- I'm not trying to be
rude, all right?

But we need to get this shit
built before dark.

I understand. I cannot believe
how lazy these women are.

"Lazy"?

That's an understatement.

Well, where should I put
these?

[Scoffs]

Throw them over there.

And I need to try to figure out

how to bind them.

[Birds chirping]

[Grunts]

[Singing]
Oh, i'm

helping, I'm helping, i'm

helping.

She's not so bad.

I mean, at first she was driving

me batty with all that French
shit.

Everyone was going a little

nutty, but I don't know.

In the corps, it's not like we

do much female bonding.

It's nice.

Um, she seems considerate.

After all, she did help me with
the shelter.

[Birds chirping]

Dudes, that was quick!

Wow!

Jesus Christ.

Who helped you?

Just a little spit and twine.

[Spits]

Military know-how -- something

you know nothing about.

I helped with this too,
you know.

[Scoffs]

[Giggling]

Dallas [os]:
No, no, it's like...

Push them up, baby.

Cliff [os]:
You think being a therapist

is gonna help?

I don't see how it would put

me at a disadvantage.

I mean, I deal with nuts all

the time -- you know,

Mr. Stevens and his butt fetish

and Meredith and her poor
body image.

You know, I can do it.
I can deal with five girls,

no problem.

Cliff [os]:
So, um...

Um, isn't that all supposed to
be, like, confidential?

Well, whatever, you know?
I --

why do you ask such questions?

Cheryl [os]:
Okay, so, I think, you
know,

the difference between --
we're all so different.

I mean the difference between
all these girls on this beach.

You know, babette is so kind of
free with herself, and Monica --

I don't really know much about
Monica.

She's kind of into herself.
And Angela -- Angela --

I just love Angela.
I get along really well

with her.
So, if anything, it'd be --

you know, I'd be --
I think I'm gonna be hanging out

with Angela the whole time.

Cliff [os]:
Um, on a serious note,

you know, since, like, you're a
therapist and all?

Yes.

Cliff [os]:
Does that mean, like,

you get into, like,
really kinky sex?

That I get into kinky sex, or

is that what I hear about?

Cliff [os]
no, is that what you
get into?

Well, gee, that's none of
your business, mister.

Cliff [os]:
Oh, I mean, just -- you know...

Like -- just -- you can tell me.
I won't tell anybody.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I don't believe
you.

Cliff [os:]
I swear I won't tell
anybody.

Just me and you.

[Waves crashing]

[Birds chirping]

Dallas:
Hey, guys, I don't know
about you, but I am starving.

I need some salad, some
tofu, or something.

Or some fromage.

Aimee:
Hey, wait. What's this?

Oh, it's a note.

It says, "we left you here.
That was naughty.

Now signal US with your body"?

Dudes, what does that mean?

Babette does not know.
It is like some crazy foreign

language.

Unh-unh.

I learned about secret coding
in the corps.

This is definitely a poem.

Yeah, right, it's got to be a
poem because it rhymes, right?

Yeah.

Well, it says we should all
go down to the beach.

Okay.

Let's go to the beach.

Hey, it's hot.

Let's go put our swimsuits on.

Right on.

Ooh, yeah.

[Bird caws]

[Waves crashing]

[Whistle blows]

All right, girls, come on.
Come on. Gather around.

Let's go.

We're going for our first
challenge of the day.

Gather around.

Okay, what we're gonna do is --

see, every once in a while,

we're gonna have a challenge,
all right, here on butta cheeka.

So, the first challenge of the
day is we're gonna try to signal

a rescue plane, all right?

And whoever signals the rescue

plane the best wins
the challenge.

You all with me on this?

There's a plane?

Cliff [os]:
No, no, no, it's a fake
plane.

Just pretend, okay?

The only way we're gonna get

that plane's attention is if we
build a fire.

Look -- you got 45 seconds.

We ain't got time to build a
damn fire, okay?

Cliff [os]:
Just use any means you got,
okay?

I mean, you know, do whatever
you can to signal the plane.

All right. I got you.

Cliff [os]:
How hard can this be?

I got you.

So, you girls all ready?
You with me on this? Huh?

But is the pilot male or
female?

Cliff [os]:
Male. What's the difference?

Ooh, good!

Ruby [os]:
Yeah. All right!

Listen up -- the winner of
today's challenge is gonna

receive something really
crucial, okay?

Babette:
Okay.

Cliff:
Alright?

Is it food?

Cliff [os]:
Hello?

I want some men on this
island, okay?

A bong?

Nope, but thanks for asking.

Do we get vibrators?

[French accent]
Ze lingerie, eh?

Eh? Oui, oui. Eh?

[Normal voice]
Watch it.
Hold on.

Look at that, right?

Babette [os]:
Ooh, red is my color.

Oh, baby, yeah.

I think I like it.

Cliff [os]:
Oh, I think I do, too.

What do you think?

Cliff [os]:
Oh, I think I love it.

[Both laugh]

Cliff [os]:
Well, here, put it on.

[Laughs]

You like? Huh?

Oh, I love it so much.

It would be beautiful on me.
I just know it.

What a naughty bitch.

Let's signal that plane, girls.

Ready, set...

[Whistle blows]

[All cheering]

Cheryl [os]:
Save me!

Va-va-va-vo om, huh?

Oh, babette, baby!
Oh, you my baby, baby.

Please! Oh, my god! Please!
Please save me! Save me!

Whoo!

Take me!

Oh, my -- oh, Cheryl.

Oh, Cheryl, oh, you are my
favorite.

Save me! Help!

Save me!

[Laughs]
Yeah!

Oh, oh, Monica!
Oh, oh, you're my favorite.

Oh, yeah, you're winning.
You're winning here.

Whoo!

[Indistinct shouting]

Dallas, oh, my god!
Dallas, you're my favorite.

Ooh.

Hyah! Ha!

Ha! Ohh-ah!
Hyah!

Oh, my god, Ruby, you're the
best.

You're number one. You're it.

Ruby:
Save me!
Help!

Monica:
Land on this ass!

A-s-s!
A-s-s!

Look at that ass.
Oh, that ass!

That's so beautiful.

Please, please, help me!

Over here!

Save me!
Help!

Monica wins. Monica wins.
It's over. Monica wins.

Oh. End of contest.

Angela:
Please save me!

[Boing!]

Oh!
[Laughs]

Cliff [os]:
Sorry.
You okay?

Angela:
Bam!

Ooh.
And the winner is Monica.

Whoo-hoo!

And look -- here, I'll give you
this, as well, and you can

share this with one person.
Who do you choose?

Uh...

I choose Cheryl.

Oh, my god, Monica, thank you
so much.

Mwah! Thank you so much!

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh, right on, girl.

Monica is my very best friend.

I can't believe she just did
that for me.

I'm so excited.

I -- she's my -- my girl.
I love that girl now.

Cliff [os]:
Why Cheryl?

Well, Cheryl seems so

innocent, you know, so easy to
manipulate.

And I think she might be a good
alliance.

Cliff [os]:
So, Cheryl, um, are you part
of the alliance?

What alliance?
You mean these?

Have I noticed any tensions?

Oh, right away I noticed there
was gonna be a lot of tension.

I mean, Ruby's trying to take
charge of the island.

She wants to be the queen bee.
I don't really care.

And then there's Monica with her
toilet fetish.

Who knows what's going on with

that and what's going in her
mind?

Well, right away, I knew this
was not gonna be easy.

[Tribal music]

Cheryl, I think we're the
gods of lipstick.

Monica, don't say that.

You know there's only one
you-know-who.

Dear lord, thank you for this
blessing that we're about to

receive, and I promise I won't
back-stab anyone on this trip.

Also, can you send down some
nail Polish and some lipstick

and maybe some foundation?

Amen.

Amen.

You know, we should make a pact
not to vote against each other.

Really? Okay.

Pinky swear?

Sure.

Monica, what are you doing with
your pinky?

Ooh, Monica!

Pinky honor.

[Moaning]

Aah! Aah! Kelp!

Ohh! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Ohh!

[Giggles]

Mmm.

Pinky honor.

[Giggles]

[Waves crashing]

I don't think -- I don't
think it's just gonna take, you

know, like, strength and
endurance and, you know, looks,

whatever.

It's gonna take brains, and I

think I've got the brains to
do it.

[Boing! Boing! Boing!]
[Boing! Boing! Boing!]

Yeah, I think I have a pretty
good chance.

I'm as athletic as anybody else.

Um, you know, I'm pretty smart.

Angela's kind of out there --
you know, oo-hoo, oo-hoo!

And, uh, Monica I think is out.

So I think I have a pretty good
chance, yeah.

Why not?

Cliff [os]:
So, uh, Ruby, this must be

like a walk on the beach for
you, right?

[Scoffs]
This is a cake walk.

What are you, kidding?
These chicks have no idea.

They wouldn't survive a day.

Take Iraq, for example.

That mission -- I walked it, no
problem.

Montana? Survived it.

Cliff [os]:
Mon-- Montana?

You had a mission in Montana?

I didn't say that.

Cliff [os]:
Yeah. Yeah, you did, Ruby.

No, I didn't say that.
You see? You're hearing things.

Cliff [os]:
That's what you
said.

Give me that [bleep]
give me the [bleep] camera.

Hi, it's me, cliff.
Remember me?

Anyway, it's the end of the

night, we've tucked the girls
in, and they're tired.

They're hungry.
They got no men.

Oh, my god, a rat!

[Girls screaming]

Ruby:
Hey! Stop it!

I got it!

Cook it!
We can eat it!

Dallas:
No!

I'm a member of peta, and no
animal is going to suffer on

this island of butta cheeka.

Ruby:
Are you gonna stop me?

No!

Why do all the little animals
have to suffer?

We're hungry.

Mmm.

I love this rat.
Want a bite?

Mmm.
Delicious.

Mmm!
Ratburger!

Yummy for my tummy!

Mmm, it looks so good.

[Sniffing]
Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm.

With red wine, this could be a
delicacy.

Oh!
[Sniffs]

[Laughter]

[Waves crashing]

[Birds chirping]

So, the ratburger was fine,
but there was only one for all

of US, and I'm still pretty
hungry.

So, do you think there's, like,

a hamburger stand around here
somewhere?

[Giggles]
It was yummy.

I was so hungry.

Boot camp was a really rough
experience, but I'm really glad

I got to experience it because I
think I can pretty much survive

anywhere now, you know?
I mean, this is a cakewalk.

This is nothing.

These girls would never last a
day in boot camp, let alone

three months of boot camp.
I have to say, you know, I got

this very fabulous figure
because of boot camp.

You know what I mean?

Believe it or not, I was close

to 300 pounds before I went to
boot camp.

I mean, there's so many
differences between US.

For example, Monica's breasts

are like this, and Ruby's
breasts are like this.

And my breasts?
Well, my breasts are perfect.

It is easy to get along, you
see, because babette has three

sisters -- UN, deux, trois.

And having three sisters, I
learn how to deal with a lot,

like when they steal my clothes

and they [bleep] my beautiful
boyfriend and they tell mama

that I am the one who killed the
cow.

Ugh! I hate those bitches.
I do.

And one day, I stick a cheese
knife in their ear.

I wanted to talk to you about
the money, all right?

I -- see, your odds are good.
Don't get me wrong.

All right? Real good.

But they're not
that good, okay?

Now, don't worry about it
'cause, see, I got a lot of

connections, and I can make
things happen, so --

excuse me.

No, wait.
You know, you work with me,

I work with you --

I know that whole rap.

What rap?

"I work with you, you work
with me."

Yeah, and this way -- you know,
you want the $1 million...

No.

...i can-

speak to the hand.
I'm sick of your shit.

But you don't understand.

No, I understand exactly.
Goodbye.

But --

[waves crashing]

[Sighs]

What's for breakfast?

Cheryl:
I don't see any fish sticks.

Monica:
Maybe over there.

Angela:
Hey, girlfriends, do you know
what day it is?

Dallas:
What, "let's kick off
Angela" day?

No, silly! It's naked day!
Whoo-hoo!

Whee!

Come on, everyone!

Whoo-hoo!

What a silly girl.

Girls!
Whoo!

[Laughter]

Tribal music

[Crickets chirping]

Welcome to your first tribal
council.

Hey, cliff.

Greetings.
Please be seated.

[Waves crashing]

Unfortunately, tonight you'll

have to vote one of your tribe
off the island.

But before we get started,
I have a few questions.

Angela, you declared earlier
today that this was naked day,

and yet you have all your
clothes on.

Why is that?

I don't know.

Babette, do you feel, because
you're from France, somehow

alienated from the other members
of your tribe?

Who would vote for babette?

Monica, how come you're such
a bitch?

You're just upset 'cause I

wouldn't give you the time of
day.

Ruby...
I have nothing to say to you.

Good. Let's get going.

I am now going to ask you to
cast your votes.

There can only be one set of
double d's on this island.

Couldn't trust them in
world war ii, and you certainly

can't trust them now.

This is boring.

There can only be one of US
who is free-spirited.

And the votes are in.
Again -- the one who receives

the most votes will be asked to
leave the island immediately.

Cliff [os]:
And the first vote is...

...Angela.

Monica.

[Sighs]

Babette.

That's one for Angela, one for
Monica, one for babette.

Cliff [os]:
Monica.

Cliff [os]:
Ruby.

Monica.

Cliff [os]:
That's four for Monica.
Monica, I'm sorry.

You have to leave the island
immediately.

Is that what you guys really
want to do?

You want to give up these?

You don't want them hanging
around the island?

Cheryl and Angela, you're the
friends I never had.

And, babette, we could have been
pen pals.

It's true.

You were all the friends I
never had.

The tribal council has
spoken.

Cliff, please don't kick
these off the island.

Spanking -- let's give her a
good spanking.

I can dig it.

Yeah, I've had my ass whacked
plenty of times in the seals.

I think a spanking might do her
some good.

[Entire group pleads]

Angela:
Let her stay!

Babette:
It's so mean.
Come on.

Oh. Spanking?

A spanking?

You mean a good smack on the
ass?

I like that idea.
So, Monica, you game?

Cliff, I trust the judgment
of my sisters.

I'm willing to submit.

Listen up. All right, the good
news is... we'll do it.

The bad news is this is your
last chance.

Next time this happens, whoever
gets voted, she's out of here.

Is that clear?

Ruby [os]:
Clear.

Dallas [os]:
Okay, cliff.

Aye, aye.

Back in Sunday school, we

used to get a big hit.
But I won't do that.

Aw.

Bend over, babe!

What are you going to do to
me?!

[Laughs]

Take it like a man!

Monica [os]:
[Squeals]

[Laughs]

I wish I was the one who was

ousted because this is kind of
turning me on.

Ooh!

I feel kind of guilty, but I
want another round of spanking.

Ooh!

Oh, I do little tap.

Mmm.

[Giggles]

Babette [os]:
Just kidding!

[Laughter]

Huh.

Oh, yeah -- butt bongos!

Aah!

[Giggles]

Monica:
Hell, no, cliff!

No, cliff, that's my girl.

[Waves crashing]

Where you going? What-
wait! Wait a minute!

Aw. Aw, man, this really sucks.
Man-haters.

All right, look -- okay, so i'm
a nice guy, okay?

Somebody was supposed to get

kicked off the island last
night.

I let it slide.

What can I say?
I mean, who knows?

Maybe I'll get Monica yet.

You know what I mean?
All right.

Cliff [os]:
So, what's the deal with this
naked day?

Ever since I was 16 years
old, my brother told me that the

first Monday of every month
was naked day.

I thought that was a great idea,
and so did everyone else.

I mean, everyone was so
supportive of it.

My stepdad, my cousins,
my neighbors-

they all loved naked day.

I can't believe that you haven't
heard of it.

Cliff [os]:
So, uh, what do you think of
Angela?

Well, you know what?

Actually, it's kind of different
for me to see that.

It kind of makes me a little bit
uncomfortable.

I'm not really used to women-

people just running round naked.

I wasn't really raised that way,

so it's a little different for
me.

I mean, I think I could get used

to it, but it's
definitely different.

And you even get a prize for
naked day.

The next morning, you wake up,

and there's a shiny half-dollar
under your pillow.

It's so great.

I mean, it's like the tooth
fairy, only he's straight.

Cliff [os]:
So, Monica, I mean, what
about Angela, you know, taking

off her clothes all the time?

Don't you think that gives her
an unfair advantage?

Well, she was showing off the
goods, you know, doing a little

bit of advertising.
But two can play at that game.

Cliff [os]:
Oh, so, you want to advertise
a little bit too?

Sorry. Soon, but not now.

Angela's kind of out there --
you know, oo-hoo, oo-hoo!

So what if I'm naked?

I don't see what the big deal
is.

I mean, I'm here on a deserted
island with a bunch of chicks.

I should be allowed to be naked.

I don't understand.

It's just me and some girls...
And you...

And 40 million viewers.

Oh, my god!

Cliff [os]:
What did you think of Angela's,
like, naked day thing?

Naked day thing?
I don't know.

I'm not really too concerned
about it.

I feel sorry for her, really.

I mean, what the hell's she
gonna do if we get raided?

She's got nowhere to keep a
weapon.

You know what I mean?
It's all about weaponry,

especially if you can't fight.
This chick -- I give her a day.

She won't survive.

Naked day thing?
Naked day this.

Are you [bleep]
come on, now.

What the hell is that shit?

[Scoffs]

Who the [bleep] does she

think she is, bossing me around
like that?

Who died and made her queen of
the island?

She can just kiss my ass.
[Chuckles]

Kiss my ass!

Cliff [os]:
What do you really think of
Angela?

Oui, oui, but can my darling

Pierre survive without his
babette?

That is the question.

And that bitch slut sister of
mine better keep her hands off

my beautiful boyfriend, or I'll
stick a cheese knife in her ear.

You know, uh, Angela, you
know, about that, uh, that-

that -- that ass kissing?

Uh-huh.

I -- well, well, like, you
know, were you -- were you

serious about that with Ruby?
You know, she can kiss your ass?

Yeah, she can definitely kiss
my ass.

Okay, 'cause, listen -- if
she's not around, I mean, I

can -- I can fill in that job.
I mean, I'm really good at it.

I've had a lot of practice, and
I figured maybe -- and if you

want that money, you know, a
little kiss --

are you serious?

Oh yeah, yeah.
I mean you got...

You know, why, sure.
I would be honored.

Cliff, you may be the only
guy on the island--

but not even then.
Ugh.

This not only is medicinal
and great for any sort of cuts

you may happen to get, but the
liquid inside of these, if you

can crack them open and get some
of the juice and rub it on your

skin, it makes great camouflage
material.

They sent US out here with very
little stuff, so I've been

having to collect the seaweed to
be able to camo myself.

When I'm done, I think I want
to do a playboy layout, and

I'd like it to be done in this.

I'm so hungry.

It's grumbling.

Angela [os]:
It's saying, "feed me!
Feed me!"

No, it's not.
It's, like, saying...

"Buh-blah, buh-buh-buh-buh bah."

Oh, come on, guys.

I'm gonna die unless we get
some food -- let's go.

Wait, I have found food.

Ooh-la-la, mmm.

Ew! Gross!

Dallas:
Ugh!

Angela:
I can't be--
oh, no!

Dallas:
Oh, animal cruelty!

Babette:
Ah.

Yuck!

Ew!

But this is a delicacy in
France.

Dallas:
That is so disgusting.
I am calling peta!

I'm leaving!

They do not know what they
are missing.

Mmm. Yum, yum!
Yum, yum!

Oh, yum, yum!
Oh, I am so happy!

Oh! Mmm, mmm!

Sure, I could feed the rest
of them, but that would be

fraternizing with the enemy.

And make no mistake, they're
definitely the enemy.

Down!

[Spitting]

Damn, that needs ketchup.

[Tribal music]

Hi, it's me -- cliff probate.
Remember?

Anyway, the girls are put up for
the night.

They're tucked in, ready to go.
They're tired.

They're hungry, and frankly...
I don't give a damn.

Is there a strip club around
here, guys?

Crew member [os]:
Yeah, there's the, uh,
belly buttons.

Belly buttons?
Let's go. Good night.

Monica [os]:
Be naughty?

Lick ear?
Oh...

[Both laugh]

Angela [os]:
Squeeze above waist.

Squeeze above waist.

[Both laugh]

Aah!

Kiss lips.

What?

[Both laugh]

I love being here, but no one

explained to me this "lack of
food" thing.

Hey, Cheryl, does the Bible
say anything gnarly about

cannibalism like, "dude, don't
do it"?

It's not one of the
10 commandments.

I mean, I don't think.

Well, dang, she sure does
look tasty.

Cheryl:
What are you doing?
Ew.

Hey, did you guys find any
food?

Uh, yeah.

I don't know what came over
Dallas.

It really tripped me out.
It really scared me.

I thought she was a vegetarian.

God, I mean, it was just a
joke, dude.

Like, chill.

I mean, I'm a vegetarian, for
Christ's sakes.

I might want to go down on
Angela, but I would never want

to eat her, and that's a fact.

It wasn't a joke.
I saw a real darkness in Dallas.

I mean, I don't know if the
Bible says anything about

cannibalism or not, but I don't
think is says anything about

masturbation, either.

Come on, you guys, let's pray.
Let's ask the lord for food.

Please, lord, please give US
something to eat.

I promise I'll never fuck
father O'Reilly or sister Anita

or those really cute altar boys
ever again, I promise.

I don't think it's working.

Okay, and I promise I'll use

the confession booth only for
confessions.

And the televangelist with the
really small wiener--

he's history.

I can definitely help her.

Everyone:
Amen.

Ruby:
Hallelujah.

[Tribal music]

They were pathetic, going,

"please, please, god, give me
food."

That's not how you get food.

So, Monica, what would you do
for some food?

Well, do you have any?

Well, as a matter of fact, I
do.

Mmm.
How 'bout that?

Come to papa.
Come on.

Oh, come on, cliff.
Please. Please.

I really am hungry.

Cliff [os]:
Look at her go.

Is it good?

Oh man, what I could do with
that.

Angela [os]:
Hey, Cheryl.

Hi.

I have a question for you.

What's that?

Have you ever kissed a girl
before?

Well, no.

Have you ever French-kissed a
girl before?

No.

Has a girl ever kissed your
neck?

No.

Angela [os]:
Have you ever touched a girl
before?

No, never.

I want to do...

[Whispers in ear]

Cheryl [os]:
Oh, mmm!

Cheryl [os]:
Oh, mmm!

What are you guys doing in
here?

Angela:
Oh, my god, busted.

If you were in the corps--

you'd be court-martialed right
now, you [bleep] lesbians.

She's just backed up.

[Laughter]

Cheryl [os]:
I heard we might be getting
something from home today.

Angela:
Really, like our
vibrators?

Cheryl [os]:
Mm, maybe.

Greetings, survivor chicks.

Cliff, what is that for?

Okay, I know a lot of you

have been missing home, so I got

a nice big surprise for you.

We made a recording of someone
very special to each of you.

I'm gonna play a little bit of
that recording right now.

[Dog barking]

Oh, my god, it's thunder.
It's my dog, thunder!

Oh, I love him so much.
Is he okay? I miss him.

Oh, my god, thunder is so cute!

Okay, okay, that's enough,
thunder.

Okay, next... Dallas.

Who's that?

[Oink! Oink! Oink!]

Wilbur!

Oh, my god, my pot-bellied pig!

Oh, dude, I want to come home
and see you soon.

Aw, bye-bye!

[Oink, oink!]

All right, say goodbye to
wilbur.

Next!

Monica, who's that?

Oh, waffles!
My pet, waffles!

Duh, rabbits don't make noise.

It's a rabbit. It's a rabbit.

Okay, say goodbye to waffles.

All right, who's next?

Ah, babette, eh, oui, oui,
parlez-vous?

Here we go.
Ooh-la-la!

[Cat meowing]

Oh, that is my puss-puss!

Oh, this is the bestest cat in
the world.

Oh, puss-puss, I shall be home
soon.

Mwah!

I love puss-puss.
Say goodbye to puss-puss.

Okay. All right, sarge, you're
up. Here we go.

[Donkey brays]

Francis! Francis!
Oh, my god.

Oh, I'm gonna make you so proud.

Okay, Cheryl, I'm sorry.

We sent a recording, but we got
no response from your family.

[Garbled barking]

What was that?

Cliff [os]:
It's not the greatest...

What was that?
Was that my dog?

Cliff:
That wasn't your dog.

Cheryl:
That was my dog!
My dog!

Cliff [os]:
That was not your dog!

My dog!

[Barking continues]
[Drowning sounds]

Cliff [os]:
Cheryl, I'm telling you, it
wasn't your dog!

Cheryl:
That was my dog!

Cliff [os]:
It wasn't!

Cliff, you're a jerk!

Cliff [os]:
No, it wasn't me.
It was -- it was...

God, you jerk!

Honest to god!
Ruby, what are you doing?

Ruby, Ruby, no!
Ruby, the knife!

Ruby, Jesus Christ!

Put the knife down!

Cliff [os]:
Help!

[Mid-tempo music plays]

♪ Can't get you out of my

mind ♪

♪ I see you, but to the world,

I'm blind ♪

♪ if this is the start of a

love ♪

♪ then this is proof of heaven

above ♪

♪ I watch you when you're not

aware ♪

♪ when you move, I can't help

but stare ♪

♪ if this is the start of a

love ♪

♪ then this is proof of heaven

above ♪

♪ tell you I love you out of my

sight ♪

♪ please let's not say good

night ♪

♪ for one perfect moment

you are mine ♪

♪ let's make this moment last a

lifetime ♪

♪ I want you

♪ ahh, hey

[instrumental]

Wow, it was amazing.

I went up this trail.

It was the most beautiful trail

with the most beautiful 80-foot
waterfall.

And I climbed it in like 45
minutes.

Oh, dude, it was an awesome
experience.

Cliff [os]:
Really?

Yeah, and I cut my knee too.
Look.

Oh, the ocean's beautiful.

I love it.

I love being on butta cheeka.

Cliff [os]:
Do you think you'll ever go
home?

Only with a butt-load of
cash.

[Imitates phone ringing]

Ugh, hold on.

Hello?
Yeah, this is Angela.

No, I do not want to change
long-distance carriers.

Will you please stop calling
me?! Ugh!

Who was that?

Damn telemarketer!

Ew.

No shit.

Won't leave me alone!

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

once, I was attacked by this

Iraqi soldier and I really was

not expecting it.

It pretty much threw me

off-guard, but he ran.

You know, he charged me and he

just nailed his head into the

right side of my breast and,

well...

He lost an ear.

But he's a really great guy

and, ah, you know, he's now --

he's now, um, working with
children.

So, I don't know, I mean, I

think everyone has a lesson to
learn in life, you know?

And I think maybe his was just

to never run forward with your
head down, you know?

Babette, all the girls are
cooperating.

They all want the $1 million,
okay?

And I really, really want to
help you out.

You're my favorite, okay?

And I -- it would mean a lot to
me if you won.

So I want to do whatever I can
to help you along, okay?

Now, it's like Angela, she

was -- she was very, very nice
to me.

If you know what I mean.

And Monica, she was very, very
huggy-poo.

And, Ruby, well...

And then there was, uh, Cheryl.

And -- and we were very, very
close.

Mm-hmm.

And -- and I just want you to
win.

So if there's anything that, you
know, uh... oh...Uh...

Wait, wait, wait, my darling
little cliff.

Yes, yes...

You will have to do something
for babette.

I'll do anything.

Anything?

Anything.

Anything at all?

Anything at all.

Well, you must do this one

thing for me before I can do
anything for you.

Yeah, well anything.

Anything. I swear.

You must give me a
striptease, my dear cliff.

A what?

A striptease.

I would like you to strip for
me.

I must see what I'm getting
before I give you anything.

And -- and -- and if -- if I
do that... what do I get?

Well, cliff, we will have to

talk about that when the time
comes.

But it's looking hopeful.

Well, well, well there's no
guarantee here?

Well, that is, you know, such
is life.

But I must see what I'm getting
before I give you anything.

Oh, okay, what if we, oh...

What if we work it out a little
bit?

Just you start, and then I'll
go, and then you go some more.

No, no, no. No deal.

Just a little.

No, no.

The deal is you strip for me or
nothing.

Well, it, uh...
Nothing?

Nothing.

Va-va-va!

All right, cliff.

Va-va-va-va!

Take that shirt off.

Oh, baby. Go, baby! Go, baby!

Take off your shirt.

Uh-oh.

Ooh, baby! Yeah! Oh, baby! Oh!

I can't even get this -- oh,
baby!

Ah, you know what, cliff?

[Record scratches]

I changed my mind.
You go to the other girls.

No deal.
I changed my mind.

This is over.

What are you, kidding me?

No, I am not kidding.
This is all through.

That's not -- that's not
fair!

That's not right. You're...

Well, I am sorry, but I
decided to change my mind.

That is it.

[Bleep] French girls!
What a bitch!

Yes, I know.
We are so finicky.

But that is just --
such is life, you know?

Here you go, baby!
Here you go, baby!

No, no.
Go to the other girls.

Get! Scoot!

Bitch!

Oh, well.

Oh, god!

[Groans]

Déjà vu.

This is not déjà vu.

This is chocolate.

Chocolate?

Hey, what shoe size are you
anyways, frenchie?

Tres petite.

Tres petite?

Then I guess we're not the only

ones on this island after all,
now, are we?

Mmm.

Ruby [os]:
Let me have some of that.

Good chocolate.

That's not chocolate.
That's shit.

[Farting]

Oh, guys, I really have to go
to the bathroom.

Ew, Monica, that's gross.

Yeah, like, we don't want to
know, okay?

Cheryl:
Can't you be like the other
girls and just not go at all?

Dallas [os]:
Yeah, like, what's wrong with
you?

Dallas [os]:
Yeah, like, what's wrong with
you?

Dallas [os]:
It's like you can't take her
anywhere.

God, she's taking forever.

I know.

God, what bitches.

Like this isn't a normal
function or something.

[Bigfoot roars]

Oh my god, guys!
Help!

Monica, it's not like we have
any t.P. Or anything.

Yeah.

[Growling]

It's big! It's brown!

Monica, we don't want to hear
about it, okay?!

[Farts loudly]

Ew!

It's got fur!

Gross, gross, gross!

Help!

[Both screaming]

Ew, gross!

[Yowling]

And it was big and brown.

I know.

Yuck.

Ew, are you still talking
about that?

Ugh, just ignore her.

I know.

And so Ruby, the queen bee,

suggested that we form groups
and investigate.

Ew, girl, what is that?

That's Elvis' grave!

Cheryl [os]:
I heard he died on an island.

Oh, he was my favorite.

Really?

Mm-hmm. I can do the Elvis
pelvic little rock.

Unh-unh-unh, unh-unh-unh, unh!

What do you think?

Fantastic, girl. Right on.

Come on, let's go.

Oh my god, what is this?

Oh, ugh.

What do you think it is?

I have no idea. It looks like
some crazy creature.

Do you think there's animals
out here?

I surely hope not.

Well, I dare you to touch it.

No, I no touch.
I'm scared.

You know, in France we are

great fans of the underarm hair,
but not this.

This is disgusting.

We'd better find Ruby.

We'd better. She will know how
to handle this.

Let's go.

Of course I was scared.

I mean, we're out here in the
wild, and, I mean, who knows

what creatures can just come up
on you?

Where should I go to the
bathroom?

So ah, you know, Cheryl, that
money, I can -- I can really

make it work for you.
I got -- I got ways of getting

that money for you, you know
what I mean?

Excuse me, cliff!

Well, um, what I mean is,
see, uh, you know, I got

connections with Jesus, too. And
I figured maybe we do a little--

[tribal music]

"The next prize is the best yet.

A friendly voice who needs a
vet."

Who writes these?

Today's challenge will be to

attract wild animals with fake
mating calls.

The girl to attract the best
animal will not only get to

listen to the entire recording,

but will receive total immunity
from tonight's tribal council.

Any questions?

Yes. Is the animal -- is it
male or female?

Male.

Oh, good!

You will have 15 seconds.
Any more questions?

And Ruby goes first. Ruby?

[Imitating bird call]

[Bird chirping]

[Bird call continues]

[Bird chirping]

[Bird call continues]

[Bird chirping]

Way to go, baby!

Moo! Moo! Moo, moo!
Moo, moo! Moo!

[Elephant trumpets]

Aah! Aww.

Way to go, Dallas.
Way to go.

[Hissing]

[Snake hissing]

V-Very good job, Cheryl.

Oh, nice snake.

Beautiful, god bless.

Oh, it bit me!
I'm killing it!

Cute but deadly.

Come, come, come.

Come, come, come, come, come.
Come, come, come, come, come.

Mwah! Viva, babette!

Oh, my god!

Come, come, come, come, come.

Oh, come, come, come, come,
come.

Oh, come, come, come, come!

[Animal snarling]

Come, come, come, come!
Oh, meow! Meow!

Oh, oh, look! My little
puss-puss! Oh!

[Skunk purrs]

Oh, little puss-puss!
Oh, I like you.

I like you a lot.
Ooh.

Mmm, you smell like puss-puss,
too!

Stinky, but nice!

Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

Mrowr! Mrowr! Mrowr!
Rowr! Rowr!

[Tiger roars]

Oh, he's so pretty, like my
pussy. Oh...

[Purrs]

Oh, god!
Angela!

Oh! Oh! Oh, baby! Oh! Oh!
Oh, baby!

[Grunting]

Oh! Oh, baby!

[Grunting]

Oh! Oh, baby!

[Gorilla snorts]

Oh! Oh!

[Gorilla grunting]

Aah!

[Gorilla screeching]

[All screaming]

Thank you.
Oh, I need a drink.

You know, you guys out there in
TV land, you think this is such

an easy job, huh?

Yeah, right, this is no [bleep]
day at the beach.

These girls, talk about high
maintenance.

There's no elevator going

upstairs, you know what i'm
saying?

You know what I got to put
up with?

You know what I'm going
through?

Oh, you have no idea what i'm
going through.

Surrounded by six naked women?

I mean, I was expecting to touch
something soft.

Soft?
What do I get soft?

I get a [bleep] gorilla humping
my leg!

That's what I get soft!
I-I-I can't take it anymore!

Cliff, cliff, come here.
I must talk to you.

I must tell everyone the truth.
Come, come, now.

Cliff, I am so sick of this
bullshit.

These women, they don't know
how to do anything.

It's just bullshit, bullshit,
bullshit. I'm just over it.

You know what I mean?

All right, this is the deal.
I have to tell you the truth.

I just...

I faked this whole entire thing
because I thought it would make

me cool or something, but the
truth is...

[Normal voice]
You know what? Fuck it!

I'm not really French.
I'm from the Bronx, and all I

want is a fucking slice of
pizza, okay?

You know I'm sick --

these girls, these girls, they
can't even find any food.

They don't know what to do.

They don't know how to make
shelter.

They don't know anything.
They bitch, they complain.

I'm sick of it, you know what I
mean?

Fuck this French shit.
I'm just -- I'm American.

That's all I am.
So here I am and by the way, I

hope this doesn't hurt my
chances of winning.

So, uh, Cheryl, you know, 25
days on the island alone.

Six naked women.

I mean, you know, it's got to be
making you a little...

Ah, how can I say this?
Um, you know, a little hot?

You know, edgy?
Feisty?

Well, you know...

Well, I can't say this out loud.
It's got to be a secret.

I won't tell...

Really?

And that's it.

But you're religious!

I'm religious.

Come here, you!

Dear lord, forgive me.
I'm about to sin.

[Moaning]

[Moaning]

[Moaning]

Wha!

Okay, survivors, today's
challenge will be the most

important aspect for survival --
first aid.

Two of your tribemates have
just been in a terrible,

terrible boating accident.

Oh my god, really?

No, it's just pretend.

Ruby: He's joking.
Cheryl: Oh! Oh, okay.

Cliff [os]:
All right.

Cliff [os]:
Angela and Dallas, I need you in
the water now.

Wait!
We have one requirement.

Um, you -- you need to be
topless because -- because we

don't want anything to get in
the way.

We don't want any accidents
happening here. All right?

Cliff [os]: Go!
Hurry! Come on!

What are you waiting for?
Go, go, go!

All right, everybody else...
First positions!

Angela and Dallas:
Help! Help! Help US! Help US!
Help!

[Whistle blows]

Cliff [os]:
Hurry! They're dying!
Go! Run!

Ooh.

Monica:
She needs mouth-to-mouth.

Ruby [os]:
All right. Give it to her.

Oh, Monica, oh, oh, yeah,
yeah, ooh!

I think you better do it again,
yeah!

Monica:
It's not working!

Oh, oh, yeah.

Ruby:
Okay.

Oh, way to go, Ruby!
That's good, that's good!

Soldier, soldier!

All right, that's not gonna
work.

It's just not gonna work, all
right?

Cheryl:
Let's try this.

Oh!

Monica:
Oh, that's not working.
That's not working.

Ruby:
No, it's not working.
It's not working.

You're going to have to take
your top off.

She's suffering from
hypothermia.

Skin to skin.

Oh, god. Rock on.
Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Come on, do something else!
She needs those pants off.

She's suffocating.

Okay.

Cliff [os]:
Oh, oui, oui, babette, eh!

Oh, oh, that's beautiful.

Cliff [vo]:
Oh, Angela!
Oh, oh, those hips!

You're killing me over here!

Oh, parlez-vous, baby!

Okay, it's not working!
It's just not working.

All right, go lower!

Ooh, oh!

Ruby:
Go lower.

Now, Cheryl, they did not teach
you that in Sunday school. No!

Coochie-coochie coo!

Cliff [os]:
Oh, yeah!

Coochie-coochie coo!

[Moaning]

Ruby [os]:
Here she comes!

[Moaning]

Ruby [os]:
It's working!

Oh!

[Laughs]

Cheryl [os]:
Let the professional do it!

Oh! Oh!

Babette [os]:
Ah, that is very French.

It's working!
Is that good enough, cliff?

Cliff? Cliff?

[Laughter]

Hello, pizza place?

Yeah, I'd like a jumbo pizza
with everything on it.

Hold the anchovies.
Yeah, I'm on butta cheeka.

That's "b" as in butt.
"Ch" as in cheeka.

Voilà!
I knew this would come in handy.

Oh, thank you! Right on!

Angela [os]:
I told you it worked.

Hot damn, I need a slice!

Ruby:
All right.

Cheryl:
Right on.

Cheryl:
Who had the mushroom?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, me!
Me, me, me!

Ooh, me! Me, me, me!

You know, I mean, it's --
it's just not fair.

I mean, you know, when I took
this job, you know, I promised I

would be tough and I would be,
you know, in control.

These girls are walking all
over me.

I get no respect, you know?

I mean, well, that's all gonna
change.

I'm tired. I'm done.
That's it. They're toast.

Angela [os]:
Ooh, what do you have?

Cheryl [os]:
Ooh, girl, what did you bring?

Everyone:
Oh yeah!
Right on!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Oh! Nice!

Angela:
Ooh, mine, mine, mine, mine!
Ooh, yeah, baby!

Toilet paper!

Oh, toilet paper!

Oh my gosh, we were looking for
some of this.

Definitely!

These are mine.

Oh, you're gonna have to
share those with me, okay?

What are these?

Dallas [os]:
Ugh, cliff!

Babette:
Ah, that cliff! That cliff!

Angela:
Wishful thinking.

Oh, fuck!
[Bleep]

I got to take that again, man.

I [bleep] up my lines, all
right?

I [bleep] up my lines.
I stuttered.

I got to do it over.

Randy [os]:
It's okay, man. We've got it.
It's a wrap.

No, fuck that [bleep] Randy.
I want to do it over, all right?

I [bleep] up my lines.
Let's do it again. Come on.

Hey, look, Mr. Probate.
This is a reality show.

It's okay.
And it's about chicks.

It's not about Mr. Probate.

Excuse me?
Who the fuck [bleep] are you?

You're some [bleep] P.A.! Get
the [bleep] out of here!

Randy! Randy, I want to take
this again or I quit!

Call my [bleep] agent, man!
I'm out of here!

I want to take one more take,
all right?

Where you going?

Randy [os]:
Leaving you on the island!

Hey, fuck you [bleep]
you son of a bitch!

Hey! Hey!
Fuck! I hate this job!

[Music plays]

This whole time always
following me around.

This boom, boom.
Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.
I am just sick of it.

Do you understand me?
I will show you.

Babette will show you what a
real boom, boom, boom is.

Okay?
You stay tuned.

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

Well, gosh, uh, you know,
other than the money, I'm really

hoping to get, like, some sort
of endorsement from this.

Whether it be, like, a modeling
job or a contract or something,

I think I could... I think I
could do any of that stuff.

So I'm hoping to go further than
this, definitely.

The old -- the old
cliff is back.

Mr. Probate.
Forget about it.

Somebody's going.
Somebody's going tonight.

Heads are gonna fucking roll.

And I'm telling you, I'm gonna
not -- I swear to you -- i'm

gonna not let these girls walk
all over me anymore.

Heads will roll.
Mark my words.

Tune in. Tonight's the night.
Somebody's gonna get it.

Cliff [os]:
So, Angela, uh, how are you

preparing for your tribal
council?

Okay, I've got this wonderful
system worked out.

It's not going to affect my
Karma in any way.

I am going to vote
alphabetically.

Alphabetically?

Yeah.

Angela, your name is Angela.
It begins with an "a."

Okay, well, I'll do it by
last names.

Your last name is "Adams."
It also begins with an "a."

Shit!

I really need some time to work
this out.

Oh, it's gonna be a long day.

Cliff [os]:
Welcome to your tribal council.
Unfortunately, tonight, you'll

have to vote one of your tribe
off of the island.

The one who receives the most

votes will be asked to leave the
island immediately.

I am now going to ask you to
cast your votes.

Bye-bye, cliff.
You ain't all that.

I just got sick of him.
And you know what?

It's not a man's world anymore.

So, cliff...
You're out of here, buddy.

Cliff has got to go.

See ya later, alligator.

And the votes are in. Again, the
one who receives the

most votes will be asked to
leave the island immediately.

Cliff [os]:
And the first vote is...

Angela.

Angela:
Oh, shit!

What are you, fucking kidding
me?

I'm the host, man!

You can't fucking kick me off
this island.

See that?

What the fuck are you guys
thinking, man?

What the fuck's wrong with you?
Fuck you!

You can't kick me off this
island.

That vote doesn't count.

All I got to say is,

there better not be another
cliff in here, all right?

Fuck you!
Fuck all of yas, all right?

I hate your fucking guts!

Cliff, you're a pervert.

Cliff, yeah? This is what I
think of your vote.

Okay?
Okay?

I'm sorry, cliff.
You got to go.

Cliff, you rule, but not on
this island.

I mean, what are you staring
at?

Okay, look.

What about the money, right?
What about the $1 million?

Why you're here? Doesn't that
mean anything to you guys?

I can get you that money.
Don't you -- don't you care?

The council has spoken. Are you
gonna do something about it?

All right, fine.
I -- you know -- you guys are...

You're, like, mental, man.
I don't -- I don't...

I'm going crazy over here.
Forget it.

I mean, who needs you guys?
You guys are all wacky, man.

You're whacked fucking out.
You're out of your minds.

I don't need you guys.
I don't need this job.

I'm fucking out of here.
Good luck!

Dallas [os]:
Bye-bye, cliff.

[Laughter]

Hey, guys, you know who I
miss?

I kind of miss cliff.

Okay, not!

[Laughter]

[Sighs]
Oh, well.

I can't believe it.
I got kicked off the island.

Those broads kicked me off the
island.

Me -- cliff probate.
Who would have figured?

Go figure.

All right, okay, I admit it.
I-I did cross the line.

I-I admit it.
I shouldn't have done that.

But they didn't have to go
kicking me off the island.

I did everything for them.

You know who I'm really pissed
off about?

My brother -- the director,
Randy.

He's my brother.

He should have looked out for me
just a little bit, right?

Just a little bit.
No.

I mean, I could have been a
contender.

I could have went places.

But instead, I get a one-way
ticket to palookaville...

And the bald chick.

39 days in this hellhole, I get
the bald chick.

[Sighs]

All right, I'm not gonna feel
sorry for myself.

I deserve it.

I got to go.

Um, thanks for tuning in.

This is cliff probate.
Have a good night.

Ruby -- these and numerous still

photos, and of course you'll get

to see, if you miss it -- the

actual show, that is -- who I
vote off the island.

Hey, I have a website.

It's called shauna o'brien's
women of the web, and you can

And it's got my resume, my
swimsuit pictures, my lingerie

pictures, all my latest updates.
So check it out.

Bye.

Aw, fuck! Randy, I want to take
that again.

I fucked up on my lines, all
right?

Randy [os]:
No, man, it's all right.
We got it.

We're gonna have coverage.
It's cool. Don't worry about it.

What do you mean, it's all
right, we got --

no, I want to take it again,
okay?

I fucked up my lines.
I fucking stuttered, all right?

I'm not gonna fucking stutter on
nationwide TV. You got it?

I want to take another take,
all right?

Uh, Mr. Probate, this is a
reality show.

It really doesn't matter.

Fuck the rea-- fuck -- get --
I'm gonna fucking kill somebody!

Randy [os]:
Don't do that, god damn it!

Fuck the reality TV.

Sound guy [os]:
This fucking thing's fragile,
you son of a bitch.

Crew member:
Okay, time out, man.
Time out.

[Indistinct shouting]

[Intro to "barely surviving"
plays]

Cheryl, we are the gods of
lipstick.

Monica, don't say that.
There's only one you-know-who.

Dear lord, thank you for this
blessing that we're about to

receive, and I promise...
Ugh.

Why can I not remember this?

"Not to back-stab anyone.
Can you please send me some

lipstick and foundation and nail
Polish?"

I don't know why I couldn't
remember that part.

[Laughing]
You're cute.

I'll get it this time.

Take two.

[Laughs]

Dear lord, thank you for this

blessing that we're about to
receive.

I promise that I won't back-stab
anybody on this trip.

[Laughs]

We are the --

[both laugh]

You got to stop laughing before
I start.

We are the gods of lipstick.

Monica, don't say that.

[Laughs]

Crew member [os]:
"Dear lord."
Oh, after you...

Angela:
Ew, gross!

Dallas [os]:
Ugh!

Babette:
Mmm!

Yuck!

Cheryl:
Ew.

But this is a delicacy in
France.

[Laughs]

Dallas [os]:
Oh, animal cruelty.

Crew memeber [os]:
Cut.