Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar (2021) - full transcript

Lifelong friends Barb and Star embark on the adventure of a lifetime when they decide to leave their small Midwestern town for the first time - ever.

♪ Shadows falling baby ♪

♪ We stand alone ♪

♪ Out on the street
Anybody you meet ♪

♪ Got a heartache
Of their own ♪

♪ It oughta be illegal ♪

♪ Make it a crime
To be lonely or sad ♪

♪ It oughta be illegal ♪

♪ You got a reason for livin'
You battle on ♪

♪ With the love
You're livin' on ♪

♪ You gotta be mine ♪

♪ We take it away ♪

♪ It's gotta be night and day
Just a matter of time ♪

♪ And we got nothing to be ♪

♪ Guilty of our love ♪

♪ Will climb any mountain
Near or far we are ♪

♪ And we never let it end ♪

♪ We are devotion ♪

♪ And we got nothing
To be sorry for ♪

♪ Our love is one
In a million eyes ♪

Good morning, Yoyo.

Morning, Gene.
Has it started?

They're waiting for you,
sir. You better get changed.


Would anyone like a drink
before we get started?

No, thank you.

Well, I'm going to make myself..

a "suicide."

Just a little bit of root beer,
traditional cola,

just a touch
of lemon-lime spritz,

orange up, and my
secret ingredient...

just a dash of lemon-infused
iced tea.

I like the extra bite.

It's perfect.

Is it ready?

Finally, yes.

After years of work,
I have developed

genetically modified mosquitos

and a way to control them.

This remote here, activates
that receiver under the cow,

releasing a signal attracting
the mosquitos.

These are not just
itchy mosquito bites.

One sting will kill
a large animal within minutes.

So, hypothetically speaking,

if the receiver was placed, say,

in the middle of a small town,

the mosquitoes
would then fly towards it

stinging and killing everyone
in the town?

- Hypothetically.
- Well,

given that we have
thousands of mosquitos,

we could kill
thousands of people

but we don't
wanna do that, right?

We're using these to kill
animals with rabies, right?

In South Africa?

There was a problem with rabid
herds of animals? You said?

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

You cannot get away with this!
My house is full of evidence!


Goodbye, Dr. Bradley.

Now, no one can stop me.

No one.

♪ Let's go girls ♪

♪ Come on... ♪

I watch those movies

- where they're in the 1800s...
- Oh.

I can't stop thinking,

did everybody just...
Gosh, I don't wanna be rude...

- Stink?
- Yes.

Yes, I know.
I think about it all the time.

- They didn't have deodorant!
- No.

They didn't have toilets,
didn't brush their teeth!

- Everyone had yellow teeth.
- Yeah.

Yellow teeth was just
the regular color.

- It was the norm.
- The regular color.

Yes, everyone had it.

♪ No inhibitions
Make no conditions ♪

♪ Get a little outta line... ♪

I had a dream

that I made love with that man
on the Pringles can.

- What flavor of Pringles was it?
- Plain. I like everything plain.

- Plain Pringles are the best.
- Just plain.

- Yeah.
- You know who I always

- had a crush on? Mr. Peanut.
- Who? Oh, my gosh.

- Something about him.
- But he's so smart.

- He had that little monocle.
- And a top hat.

- Love a man with a top hat.
- Me too.

♪ Oh, oh, oh
Go totally crazy... ♪

God, it's so funny to think
all the raccoons in the world

- are sleeping right now.
- What?

Listen, I don't really know more
than what I've already said.

And some of what I said I'm not
even sure I actually know.

- Excuse me.
- Hi.

- Do you work here?
- Yes. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Great! 'Cause we're interested
in this couch you're sitting on.

- Hmm, good. Okay.
- Um...

- Okay...
- Here's the thing.

Um, okay.

This couch is the floor model.
And it's the only one left.

- I'm so sorry.
- So, I'm sorry.

- It's soiled up pretty badly.
- Is there a discount

- since it's the floor model?
- Oh.

I'm sorry would you excuse us
just for one minute?

Just a quick second.

- Star.
- Barb, what are we gonna do?

- This is our couch.
- We've told each other

so many things on this couch.
Remember when you told me

you were afraid
you were addicted to caramel?

- Right here on this couch.
- Caramel squares.

God, I'm glad that's over.
And it was on this couch

you told me my husband
was having an affair

- with Dina Rankusio.
- That was so hard for me.

You're a good friend
for telling me. Some wouldn't.

Well, I couldn't keep that in.
I would never lie to you.

- I would never lie to you.
- Star.

Excuse me, uh, ladies?

Listen, the reason why
we're acting a little funny

about this couch is because
well, we love it.

It's the truth.

We sit on it every day.

It's, um, it's our talking
couch, you know?

So, um, you're telling us not
to buy the couch

because you wanna sit on it?
At work?

- That's it. You get it. Yes.
- Yes. She gets it. Exactly.

- That's exactly it.
- Thank you.

Thank you for helping us.
That was very helpful.

Thank you so much.

- That's so nice of you.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Okay. Look, that was close.
- That was the couch.

- We should do something.
- We have to rip a hole...

- Why don't we fart on it?
- Oh, yes. Let's fart.

Let's fart right now.


I called you both

in here today because...

Wait, Star are you even
supposed to be working today?

Oh, I always come in
when Barb works.

She does the same. Don't worry,
you're not paying us double.

Wait. I thought you were
working today.

No! I thought
you were the one working.

Gosh, that's so funny.

- It's not the first time...
- That this happened.

Sometimes one of us
is on the schedule,

- we both come in.
- We just come in.

Alright. Look. This is very
difficult for me to do.

But I need to tell you
that we're closing the store.

- What?
- Oh, I think he means

for renovations.
Oh my gosh.

- Are we getting a juke box?
- Please tell me

we're getting that jukebox.

No, please stop asking me
about that.

The store is closing for good.

Jennifer Convertibles

as a national chain

closed about seven months ago
and nobody bothered to tell us.

- So, what does that mean?
- What does that mean?

I'm sorry,
I know you love it here.

But the good news is that
the company

- is giving you severance.
- No. Severance?

- We don't wanna be severanced.
- No! Please!

This job is our lives.
It's our purpose.

Where are we
gonna host Thanksgiving?

Well, you can...

Wait, you come in here
when the store is closed

and host
your Thanksgiving dinners?


God I'm really upset.

I can't believe we're not
gonna work here anymore.

I'm grieving. I think...
I think I'm really grieving.

Me too, but you know what?

We'll find another job.
This small town's full of places

looking to hire women
in their 40s.

Yeah. That's the attitude!

- We'll find something better.
- Yeah.

I mean, we both
have high school degrees.

- Well, you do.
- Well, I don't.

- I thought you did.
- Well, I don't.

- Well, what can we do?
- Ladies!



- You look amazing.
- You look great.

- Wow.
- Miguel and I just got back

from vacation.

My dermatologist
is not gonna be happy with me.

I soaked up some mega rays.

Gosh, you can see it.
You look glowing.

You look really dark.

Girls, I might just pack up
and moved there.

- What? Where?
- Where did you go?

It's this tiny little oasis
on the coast of Florida.

It's people like us.

who still like to strut past
the pool and stop the party

dead in its tracks with a tube
top and full jewelry.

- Oh. Yeah.
- I'm not kidding.

I feel like I got a soul-douche.

A soul-douche? Well...

And not that I was looking,

but there are so many
gorgeous men there.

We're talking Tommy Bahama

from head to toe.

Tommy Bahama.

Put that with a 24-hour CVS

and you got yourself a party.

I mean best week of my life.
You girls have got to go.

- Well, not the best...
- Oh, yeah, no.

- We're not...
- Time right now.

We're not in a place

- to really go anywhere.
- We can't really leave.

I'll drop off a brochure later.

- Oh, wow. Thank you.
- Oh, yeah.

- That won't be necessary.
- I mean, yeah.

It'd be nice to see
what it looks like.

What's the name
of the place again?

Vista Del Mar!

- View of the swordfish.
- View of the mar.

Before we begin
I just wanna thank

Barb and Star for hosting
tonight's talking club

and for making their famous,

usual hot dog soup. Again.

- You're welcome.
- It's a simple recipe.

- Simple.
- Oh, Gail's not here,

but it's 6:00 on the dot.
So, it's time to lock the door.

I'm here.

You're late Gail, buh-bye.

Well, Talking Club
is officially in session.

I was really hoping to talk
this week about horses.

Specifically my horse,

and the spectacular time
we had...

You know the rules, Delores.

We only share about the topic

that we pick out
of the talking jar.

Give me your soup.

Today's topic is...


I wanted to talk about
my job at the Christmas store.

I know everyone thinks
it's not busy right now,

but we are... all year round.

- I believe you.
- Thank you.

Well, I love my job
at the pharmacy.

I get to play with the pills,

and sometimes I shake them
along to the music.

Star, we can't tell the ladies
what happened today.

What? You mean lie? We can't.

Oh, we just lost our job
at the hottest place in town.

- What will they think of us?
- Oh,

and I love my uniform.

It's all white,

so I get to set myself apart
with character socks.

Those look fun.

These have coffee cups
and coffee beans on them.

- I wish you dress me.
- I don't have time.

Barb and Star?
What about you guys?

I mean, you guys work at the
hottest place in town!

Maybe socks
would be a good topic.

Oh, yes. I love the socks
without ankle.

Barb, Star, the topic is jobs.

Tell us about your jobs.

- Oh. Well...
- Oh.

- Uh... Today was...
- Uh, it was busy.

- It was busy.
- Yeah.

So, we had a lot of...
Big delivery.

- One big delivery.
- With furniture.

- And sofa.
- Tables.

There was a guy.

- He was delivering,
- He was tall.

- The other was shorter.
- Not as tall.

- We filled out paperwork.
- Inventory.

Did everything.

- Then we had to load it all in.
- To look at the samples.

- ...brought the samples.
- ...clipboard.

- Made some tea.
- We signed up.

And then
we got a promotion.

- Oh!
- What?

- Wow!
- Congrats.

Congratulations you guys!

- Go home, Gail.
- We're so proud of you.

We should do a toast.

What? That's how
I cheers with my horse.

Barb and I lost our jobs.

Sorry. The store closed.

And the story we just told you
about the delivery,

the men coming,
the trucks, the nightstands,

the fabric samples, the couches,

the tall guy and the shorter guy
that wasn't as tall?

That was a lie!

Oh, damn.

We all know there are only three
major rules in Talking Club.

Rule number one, no sneakers.

Rule number two, no swearing
except for the "F" word.

Rule number three, no lying.

You two are banned
from the club.

- What?
- What?

Ladies, grab your
purses, and pocket books.

- No, Debbie, please.
- Isn't there like

a three-strike rule
or something?

Please, we won't do it again.
This is all we have left.

- Can we have one more chance?
- One more chance.

- Please.
- It was just one lie.

- Give us a chance.
- We don't know what to say.

Barb, are you upset with me?
I'm sorry I blurted it out.

Star, no.
I can never be upset with you.

It's okay, we lied.
We deserved it.

Do you know
they make denim culottes?

They're for our weather.

Do you think
Jennifer Convertibles closing

was a sign?

And getting kicked out
of Talking Club?

A sign?

Okay. You know those days
when you see me

- just staring at the carpet?
- Yes.

Sometimes I daydream.

About life
outside of this place.

Maybe something is telling us
to do something different.

- Oh, my gosh. Yes.
- Yes? Oh!

Should we try those socks
with individual toes?

- Yeah.
- What do they feel like?

I've always wondered.

I wonder how my toes will react.
They've always been together.

I think they'll like it.

- What if it's something bigger?
- Like what?

Like this.

- A trip?
- Yes.

- Star...
- No, look,

look at these two people.
Look how happy they are.

Imagine that's you and me
riding on that banana boat.

Just bouncing around

with our arms and legs
spread wide open

with water and air
going all inside of us.

This is dangerous.

Things happen to people
on trips.

What if we get lost,
or poisoned,

or we get a rash?
What if they put us in jail

'cause they think
we put drugs in our butts?

What if we fall out of a car?

Have you heard
of traveler's diarrhea, Star?

Your stomach doesn't care where
you are, it just releases.

Haven't you ever wondered
if the real ocean

sounds like our noise machine?

The real ocean
has strong currents.

And people get swept out,
and they sink and they drown.


I know things changed for you
after Ron died.

They certainly did for me
after Carmine Left.

But we used to have fun.

Remember that one time
we went on a haunted hay ride?

And we got chased by that man

with a Jack-o'-lantern head
and a chainsaw.

And then we heard later

he wasn't an actor, he just
escaped from the local prison.

- He was a real killer.
- Killer.

- He was trying to kill us.
- Oh.

Remember the 4th of July when
we roller skated through town

in our sequined leotards?

And my sparkler
caught your hair on fire?

And then my hair
caught your hair on fire.

We caught
each other's hair on fire.


Barb, I feel like...
we lost our... shimmer.

Isn't that just what happens
when you get older?

No. I mean, it doesn't have to.

We still have a chance
to be those people again.

I mean,
look all of our stories.

They're... they're from the past.

We don't
have any stories from now.

I feel like we're fading away.

I don't wanna fade away.

Hey, look, I know you're afraid
something is gonna go wrong,

but what if it doesn't?

What if we go there
and have a time of our lives?

We lay on the beach
and we feel the sun

and we have breakfast
and have muffins

and croissants
with all kinds of jelly...

- Let's do it.
- What?

I can't believe I'm saying this.
Let's throw caution to the wind

like a couple
of rock and rollers!

- Really?
- Yes.

- Barb.
- Star.

Let's go to Vista Del Mar.

I'm gonna bring those
culottes I bought at Kaboom.

- Culottes?
- My fringe shorts.

- Tangerine pants.
- Oh, my curlers.

I don't want anything
to happen to my curlers.

- Anyway...
- Cheese pizza.

Gosh, let me
just get mushroom. Well.

Traveler's checks.
Leftover from my wedding.

For the shower.
Safety first.

Always good to bring
a little piece of art

- from home.
- We're gonna buy a lot

- of Florida cookies.
- Some rope.

This is gonna be
for the cheese pizza.

My curlers.

This is a toilet
scrubber and a back scrubber.

Maybe it's time
to put the curlers in.

- Vista Del Mar...
- Here we come.

What's on your mind?

I'm just nervous
something is going to go wrong.

I even tried
to distract myself today

by training some of the mice
from the lab.

Everything is going to be
fine. I promise.

I want you to get there early.

Get the lay of the land.

Here's the microchip.

The receiver cannot
be activated without it.

Be very careful with it.
It's fragile.

There's a compartment for it
in your belt.

Yoyo designed it.

God, I love that little boy...

And most importantly...

the antidote.

You might get stung.

This will make you
immune to the poison.

- I won't let you down, my love.
- No, you won't.

I've been working on this plan
my entire life.

And now, it's finally time.

I can't wait for all
of this to be over.

After what those people
did to you,

and for you to be happy,

and for us to be
an official couple.


Mm-hmm. Yes.

You do wanna be together, right?

- Be an official couple?
- Mm-hmm.

Yes, of course I do.

I'm just, um,

it's hard for me relax.
You know, until this is over.

- You understand.
- Yeah.


don't screw it up.

Strings, you're still off.

The rest can have cheese.

Woo! Well, I was not
prepared for that take off.

Me neither.

Ma'am, I apologize for screaming
at the top of my lungs.


- What? A free magazine!
- What?

I have got to read
this interview with Don Cheadle.

Oh, I love him.
You know that reminds me,

the other day
I said to myself...

I cannot think of a famous
actress named Trish.

You're kidding.
That's my favorite name.

What? Mine too! How did we
never talk about this?

To me, a woman named Trish
is a woman you can count on.

Really has her act together.
Athletic, natural.

Just real natural.
And loves the holidays.

Trish? At Christmas? Forget it.

She gets everybody a gift.

- What about Halloween?
- Oh.

Trish leaves a big pot
of candy for the kids.

- Yeah.
- Because she trusts.

She'd be out

- with her girlfriends.
- Country-dancing.

She has a natural
sense of rhythm.

She'd have one ear

- And the other...
- Just single.

Once when I was applying
for a job at Talbots,

- I told them my name was Trish.
- What?

Well, remember when
I was in that hit and run

- and that lady passed?
- Uh-huh.

- Her name was Trish. Yeah.
- Really?

Trish loses one of her
ears in a twister,

- but not her hearing.
- She's a storm chaser.

Her mom doesn't want her to be.

- Their relationship is tough.
- Hmm.

Trish always wanted to be
a portrait photographer.

She loves people.
She would always say,

"A person's face says
a lot about how they look."

- Oh, that's beautiful.
- Yeah.


- Trish's favorite number?
- Four.

- Her favorite animal?
- Hen!

- Trish's favorite movie?
- Oh.

- Short Circuit.
- The Ring.

And then she said,
"You know what, skin cancer?

"You are not gonna take me.

"Because I'm gonna take
my own life."

And she did.

She jumped off that cliff
near her house on the Cape.

Dove right into the water,

hitting every rock on the way.

And now there's a beautiful
spirit out there in the ocean.

And you know what her name is?

It's Trish.


♪ Florida ♪

♪ Florida ♪

♪ Going back to the peninsula ♪

♪ Ooh, Florida ♪

I'm here.

Oh, the air
feels different here.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Smells like Red Lobster.

Look, it's the shuttle
for our hotel!

Oh, my God.

♪ Florida ♪

♪ Florida ♪

♪ Going back to the peninsula ♪

♪ Ooh, Florida ♪

♪ Ooh, Florida ♪

♪ Florida ♪

- Oh, my Star.
- Oh, my Barb.

Let me take your bags, ma'am.

Check in's over there.

Hope you had a nice flight.

♪ Welcome to Palm Vista ♪

♪ A Floridian paradise ♪

♪ All your dreams
Come true here ♪

♪ Every drink
Is served with ice ♪

♪ We're here
To please every member ♪

♪ We love the pie in town ♪

♪ It's a middle-age Nirvana ♪

♪ At the Palm Vista Hotel ♪

♪ Add this macaroni salad ♪

♪ At the all
You can eat buffet ♪

♪ We'll chop your food
With passion ♪

♪ We'll change your sheets here
Every day ♪

♪ Well, almost every day ♪

♪ Everywhere I look
I see official couples ♪

♪ And soon
My turn will come around ♪

♪ A man must do what it takes
To win his sweetheart ♪

♪ So I'm gonna kill everyone
In this town ♪

♪ The spa is so relaxing ♪

♪ The ocean is aquamarine ♪

♪ I'm recovering
From my divorce here ♪

♪ And the pool has chlorine ♪

♪ So get ready
For the time of your life ♪

♪ We're gonna rock
Your freaking bell ♪

♪ Are you ready
For your soul-douche ♪

- ♪ Soul-douche ♪
- ♪ Soul-douche ♪

♪ Soul-douche ♪

♪ At the Palm Vista ♪

♪ The Palm Vista
The Palm... ♪

♪ Vista... ♪

♪ Motel ♪

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Did you say Palm Vista Motel?

Uh, yeah.

♪ The beds are tempurpedic ♪

No, Jerry! No.
You're late again.

And the song is over.

Ma'ams, I am so sorry,

but this is the Palm Vista Hotel
Spa and Salon.

You are clearly staying
at the Palm Vista Motel

which is right outside the doors

two football fields away
across the hot parking lot.

So, have a good day.

Can we stay here?

You have any rooms?
We really like it here.

Ladies, you can flirt with me
all you want,

but it's not
gonna change my mind.

There is absolutely
no vacancies.

We are completely booked up

because of this weekend's
Seafood Jam.

Have a great day.

Oh, brother.

We'll, this looks nice too.

Oh, look at that. Painting.

Oh, hi. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We have a reservation
under Barb and Star.

Okay, six nights?

- Yup.
- Yup. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Do you want towels?

- Yes, uh, yeah, uh-huh.
- Yeah I think so.

Do you need sheets?

- Probably.
- Yeah, for the bed.

No pillows though, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.


This is peaceful.

I like how the stains
everywhere look like designs.

Oh, yeah.

I am warm though.

- Me too.
- Yeah.

- I'm really warm.
- Yeah.

I have an idea.
What if we go check out the pool

- over at the nice hotel?
- Star.

- Is that even legal?
- I honestly don't know.


- Oh. Woo.
- Whoa, gosh.

- Better get some water.
- My eyes...

I don't see anything.

♪ The sun will come out
Tomorrow ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow ♪

♪ There'll be sun ♪

♪ Just thinkin' about
tomorrow ♪

♪ Clears away the cobwebs
And the sorrow ♪

♪ 'Til there's none ♪

♪ With the day that's gray ♪

♪ And lonely
I just stick out my chin ♪

♪ And grin, and say ♪

Mickey was right.
Everyone here is so friendly!

I know.

- What?
- That guy is waving at you.

I think he likes you.
You should take a lover

- on this trip.
- Barb,

men are not attracted to me,
okay? The guy's just being nice.

And Carmine was proof of that
when he left me for Dina!

That is not true.

Men find me disgusting,
and I'm okay with it.

Star, if I said it once,
I said it a million times,

you could model
for effin' Chico's,

- and I'm not just saying that.
- Chico's?

- Come on. I wish.
- Or Costco.

I'm talking
the Kirkland brand.

Kirkland? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna try
the frog's legs.

What? Oh, gosh, I couldn't.

Every time I think of frog legs

I think of Kermit
riding his bicycle

and how much he used his legs.
He really needed them.

He did. Oh, I feel bad now.

Okay. I'm gonna do
the veal-stuffed manatee.

Ooh. I'm gonna try

the fried bald eagle babies.

- Oh, yum.
- Excuse me, ladies?


Can I see you
out of the pool, please?

We're so sorry.

- Please. You're right.
- I knew this was gonna happen.

- She said we'd go to jail.
- The other motel, it was so hot.


Ladies listen.

There's been a cancellation
and we have a room available.

- What? Here?
- What?

It's not really a cancellation.

The family that was in the room
is missing.


It's probably the husband.

It's always the husband.
He reported them missing,

the next thing you know,
they're stuffed up in a chimney.

Anyway, the room is yours,
if you'd like it.

Yes. Yes, yes.

Ooh, your voices
are really high.

Oh, my God.

- Look at this room!
- Woo.

Star, did you see
that restaurant?

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm so excited

it's almost time for dinner!

And time for a cocktail?

- Star!
- Okay. You go in the bathroom,

I'll lay out our bottoms
and tops!

You know what
should wear tonight?

Our evening culottes!

Everything's going
according to plan, my love.

I'm also missing you.

There are lots of people here,
lots of official couples.

Do you miss me?

Oh, well, you're usually here.
And now you're not.

And I know you're gone.

And when you return,
you'll be back.

Is that what you mean?

- Never-mind.
- Oh, Edgar,

I feel like I'm sensing
some 'tude.

- No, no.
- I really must run.

Yoyo and I have been playing
hide and seek

and I haven't seen him
since last night.

Good evening,
ladies and gentleman,

I'm Richard Cheese.

♪ What I really, really love ♪

♪ When I look
Around this place ♪

♪ Is all the sets of boobies ♪

♪ And I want them in my face ♪

♪ Hello, boobies ♪

♪ I love boobies ♪

♪ I love gazongas ♪

♪ I love knockers
And chimichangas ♪

♪ I love melons and bonbons ♪

♪ And Winnebagos ♪

♪ I'll take a big chest
Up shirt potatoes ♪

♪ Because I love boobs ♪

Thank you.

Oh, my, these are comfortable.

Put another whiskey, please?

- Room number again, please, sir?
- Six-eleven.

Oh, 611? Oh, my... Barb.

Oh, my gosh! He's 611.

Six-eleven? We're in 124!

- We're in room 124.
- And you're...


I'm Barb and this is Star,
and you are...


- Oh. Edgar.
- Nice.

I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day.

Oh, no.
Are you not going?

That's what's happening with us.

Traveling really stops you up.

I mean, my stomach it's like

just a bunch
of rolled up sacks in there.

All in line trying to get out,
it's like a traffic jam.

No, uh, work stuff.

Oh, my gosh.
We have work stuff too!

- We just lost our dream jobs.
- Yeah.

It's been really hard.

Star, why don't you cheer him up
with one of your greeting card

- poems?
- Oh, Barb. Don't listen to her.

- No. I'm so rusty, no.
- Come on.

- Stop it.
- Come on.

- Barb?
- Sorry, what is this?

Star has a gift,
you should share it.

Oh, it's nothing,
it's just a silly hobby I have.

I like to make my own
greeting cards, specifically

for the middle aged, you know,
because we go through stuff.

- Don't be shy, come on.
- Barb, please.

Do it, just do it.
Help this man.

Okay. Okay.
Just do one. Gosh.

- You're gonna love this.
- Okay,

- I'm gonna make it up.
- She's gonna make it up.

- Okay.
- Nothing planned.

She's thinking.
She's preparing.

We can't force it.

Sometimes life's umbrella
has holes in it,

and the water just pours
all over your shoulders

- and your hair.
- All right.

But don't worry,
because the rain will end.

But you should also get
a replacement umbrella

for the next time.

Gosh. Was that okay?
I was so nervous!

I don't know how she does it.
Words just...

fall out of her,
like, air comes out of a...

- See, I can't do it.
- Anyway,

I hope it helped a little.

Yeah, it did actually, yeah.
Thank you.


- See?
- All right.

Thank you so much.
I'm gonna take a short break.

I'll be right back, thank you.

Okay. I'm back.
Thank you.

- My turn to pick the drink.
- Okay.

Okay. Ooh, George,
what's this drink

with the skull
and crossbones over it?

Can we get one of those?

It's called The Buried Treasure.

- Yo-ho-ho.
- No one's ever finished

the whole thing.

But if you get to the bottom,

there's a real treasure.

You sure you guys wanna do this?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

- Okay.
- I love treasures.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

♪ Tried to amend
My carnivorous habit ♪

♪ Made it nearly 70 days ♪

You finished that already?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Just for the record,
we never found the treasure.

You found the chest
at the bottom

- with the syrupy liquid?
- Yeah.

- We licked it up.
- All the syrup.

- Let's go.
- You open up

the scuba diver's mask
and found the three pills?

- Uh-hmm.
- I took a pill.

- I had one.
- I had a pill.

- Oh, well, that's you...
- treasure.

♪ Cheeseburger in paradise ♪

♪ Heaven on Earth
With an onion slice ♪

♪ Not too particular
Not too precise ♪

♪ Cheeseburger... ♪

♪ Near, far ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ I believe that ♪

♪ The heart does go on ♪

I like looking at wicker,
but I don't like sitting at it.


♪ Love can touch us one time ♪

♪ And last for a... ♪

Hello, it's me.
Of course, you didn't answer.

I'm getting sick of these...

mixed messages,
so I've met two young...

two middle-aged lady friends.

If you don't start giving me
this respect thing soon...

And the mission is off.

♪ My heart will go on... ♪

- Did we all...
- Yes.

A lot of times.

I just got
your message, my darling.

Let's not talk such nonsense
about completing the mission.

You know it's hard for me
to show it,

but I love you deeply.

I know I rode you guys
like a couple of horses.

- Oh. That's why...
- There up and down the hallway.

- back's a little sore.
- Yeah.

- That's why my back...
- It might be sore

from all you did
against the table.

- It was two against one there.
- Well, that's true.

Miss you.
Kiss with tongues.

We really used the room
today and our bodies.

Bye, guys. Thanks very much
for the, um, great time.

- Oh, Edgar. Goodbye.
- Hey, come on.

- Come on.
- Goodbye to you.

- Have a great day.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

Oh, great.

- Oh.
- Well, okay.

Oh, gosh I have to admit
I do feel kind of funny.

Was it because
I spanked your bottom?

I think it's because
he's the first man

I've been with,
you know, since Carmine left.

- Oh, I know how you feel.
- Yeah.

I haven't been with anyone
since Ron.

- You know that.
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Edgar was nice though.

- I mean...
- Oh, my gosh.

What a nice man.

Was such a nice man.

- My God! The shop...
- The shopping here.

I love that magnet I got
that says "Flip Flop Zone"

in wacky letters?
I wanna look at it.

That ones in the bag that says
Pookie McNally's Trinket Hut.

- It's the yellow one.
- Oh, yes.

That's where I got
my new phone case.

- I love it.
- It's like I'm listening

- to the ocean.
- I love it.

- We don't have cell phones.
- Oh, no, I'm gonna take it home

- and glue it to our land line.
- That's clever.

- I can't believe we found this.
- That's going on our car.

Do you know what
my favorite thing is?

- Friendship bracelets?
- Yes.

I can't believe
these were only three dollars.

It's a keepsake,
it's a keepsake for life.

- It's a little sharp though.
- They are sharp.

- They're a little sharp.
- Getting my skin a little bit.

We'll break it in.
It'll wear down over time.

- Yeah.
- Star.

A glass bottom boat?

- Let's see what time it leaves.
- Let's go fast.

- We gotta hurry. Oh, God!
- Okay.

- Sea shells!
- What? Gosh.

It's a freakin' clam
with googly eyes.

Ready to party?

♪ Near, far, wherever you are ♪

You imbecile!

I can fix this, I can.

- Fiddlesticks.
- Please, just let me try.

I won't mess up again.
Please don't worry.

Oh, I won't.

I know if I need
to count on someone,

there's another man
I could call.

What man?

Let's just say
when it comes to spies,

I know he won't let me down.

Now, you listen to me
and you listen good.

You work for me,
do you get that?

You are my employee
and nothing more

until this gets done.
Now, if you'll excuse me

I have a long distance
phone call to make.

No, wait, wait. No!

Wait, wait! No!

♪ Burning, like my blood's
In a pan on a stove ♪

♪ And its heating me up
To the max ♪

♪ So I'm running, my legs
As just fast as I can ♪

♪ To the left, to the right ♪

♪ I'm a frustrated man ♪

♪ Now I'm flicking my tiptoes
To kick up the sand ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't understand ♪

♪ All these fire
That's raging inside me ♪

♪ Seagulls in the sand
Can you hear my prayer ♪

♪ I keep trying
But I'm getting nowhere ♪

♪ Head's gonna fall now
Under her spell ♪

♪ Am I in heaven
Or am I in hell ♪

♪ Leaping, doing the splits
From my heart ♪

♪ Going higher and higher
My legs spread apart ♪

♪ Now I'm twirling
Like a baby ballerina ♪

♪ Who's digging a hole
With the force of his feet ♪

♪ Watch me climbing ♪

♪ I'm going up a palm tree
Like a cat up a palm tree ♪

♪ Who's decided
To go up a palm tree ♪

♪ Seagull on the tire
Can you hear my prayer ♪

♪ I keep trying
But I'm getting nowhere ♪

♪ Head's gonna fall now
Under her spell ♪

♪ Am I in heaven
Or am I in hell ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Woman, I love you ♪

♪ Seagulls in a group
Can you hear my prayer ♪

♪ I keep trying
But I'm getting nowhere ♪

♪ Head's gonna fall now
Under her spell ♪

♪ This couldn't be heaven
I know ♪

♪ I'm in... ♪

♪ Hell ♪

Phew! Well, I gotta be honest,

I don't think I can do
another night like last night.


Me neither. My gosh.

Although, you know,
Edgar was so nice.


Oh, um... Oh, was it Edgar?
What was his... that man's name?

- Oh, I don't know.
- Hmm.

- Oh, right. Edgar.
- Yeah.

From last night.

Oh, I wasn't thinking
about him anymore.

I forgot him.

Me too. Yeah, I should forget
all about him.

I think I just
wanna stay in tonight.

Sit on the patio
and practice my calligraphy.

Maybe write a poem.

And just have a couple
of wheat thins,

- and just cool it.
- Oh, that's a nice idea.

And I'm gonna take a bath.

- Oh. I won't disturb you.
- And I will not disturb you.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna get my stuff.

Oh, here's my pen.

Okay, I'm in the tub now.

Dearest Edgar,
I hope you remember me.

I'm the disgusting woman
from last night.

Oh, gosh.

Barb says I shouldn't
describe myself that way.

You should know that
I've been hurt in the past.

I'm a broken woman.

I haven't written
my feelings down in so long,

but, gosh,
you lit a fire in me

and I am raging with passion
right now.

Okay? Where do I begin?

I was born in a hospital...

Ah. I get it.

- Hello?
- Edgar Paget?

- Uh, who is this?
- Never mind you.

- Uh, what?
- For the purpose

of our relationship,
I shall remain anonymous.

I'm an associate
of you know who.

Oh. Um...

I understand
you lost the microchip.

You are in a bit of a conundrum.

Fortunately, I'm the man
with the means to replace it.

Don't ask me what they are.
That's private.

- Okay.
- You'll hear from me.

Wait for my call
from this private number

I'm calling you from
right now privately.

Actually, you know what,
you came...

you came up on my...
on my phone.

- I'm sorry. What?
- Your number actually

came up on my phone.

Damn it!
Well, don't look at it again.

- I won't?
- Don't call it.

I'm very private.

- And don't give to anyone.
- Who will I give it to?

Listen, um,
when the number comes up,

does it happen to say
the name Darlie Bunkle?

Uh, no. Is that your name?

Damn it!

What was that noise?

Don't tell him it's me
on the phone. Darlie Bunkle.

- Capital D-A-
- Oh, listen, I have to go.

No, I have to go.




I've been thinking about you
ever since this morning.

- Shall I come in?
- Uh... no, no, no.

- Wait. Sorry. Um...
- Oh

I got like work stuff
everywhere. It's a real mess.

That's okay. I only have
a few minutes anyways.

- Star thinks I'm in the tub.
- No, no. Wait, wait.

Um, not here. Not here.
Let's not do it here.

Let's, um... Let's go for a walk

- Edgar.
- What?

- Okay.
- Okay.

There's probably a lot
you wanna know about me.

My husband's name
was Ron Quicksilver.

He was a rodeo star.

He was so manly, there were
rumors he was chemically off.

He was the love of my life.

All I'm grateful for
is he died a quick death.

He was trampled.

- Oh, no. By a bull?
- No.

It was a bunch of shoppers at
the Stereo Hut on Black Friday.

They had 50-inch flat screens
for $199.

I did get one.

♪ Wrapped around each other... ♪

I realized
your worst fears can come true.

And I think maybe when Ron died,
I stopped living too. I mean,

I didn't really stop living.

I'm not dead.
I'm not a ghost.

But after
that wild night with you,

something shifted in me,
you know?

Something's changing. I...

I wanna look at life
for the first time again

like a baby.

Gosh, I wanna be a baby again.
I was so flexible then.

Star went as a baby
for Halloween once.

She wore a diaper.
Only a diaper.

She won best costume.

Oh, my gosh.
Star, she thinks I'm in the tub.

I lied to her
and I've never done that before.

God, I'm a terrible friend.
I wasted all that water.

Edgar, I'm sorry.
This can't happen.

We weren't mean to be.

You've set me free,
and that's all this was.

Thank you, Edgar.
Thank you!

You're welcome?

Everything is possible!

Oh, look at her.
She's asleep.



Okay. You're probably exhausted
from writing.

Anyway, sweet dreams.
Good night, Star.

I'm just so grateful for you!

Gosh darn it,
you're a good friend.

That's all.
Good night, Star!



I started writing you a letter,
but then,

my gosh, I was thinking
about you so much,

my brain just
got all squirrelly.

I just...
wanted to come over and...

talked to you inside
where your sheets are.

His name is Carmine Testaviglio.

I should've known he was
having an affair with Dina.

I didn't stand a chance.

Carmine had a foot fetish,
and Dina has huge toes.

My toes stopped growing
after I was three months old.

They're like little pieces
of rice. I'm not kidding.

- Oh, God, don't look.
- I wasn't.

♪ Wrapped around each other... ♪

Now, when someone
leaves you, you just think,

"So there must be
something wrong with me."

So I just figured
I'm disgusting.

But that night with you
was the first time since Carmine

I felt non-disgusting.

I mean, you saw
my folds and holes

and you didn't run away.

Now, I'm just starting
to realize that maybe

having meaningless flings
is the way to go.

No one gets hurt.
No strings attached.

It's just you shouldn't have
to try to make someone love you.

That's all.
I don't know.

I know what you mean.

You do?

Plus, you put all your faith
in someone and, poof,

they turn out
to be someone else.

I once heard this story
about a woman

who married a doctor,
turns out

he was Bruce Springsteen.

I guess he just wanted
to be a regular person

for a little while or something.

I remember one year
for Halloween,

Barb went as Bruce Springsteen.

Oh, my God. Barb.

What am I doing?
She thinks I'm sleeping.

I lied to her, and I think
she might have feelings for you.

- Oh, no. I don't think she...
- I've been a terrible friend.

And I ruined that pillow.

- Oh, Edgar...
- I should go.

Which means
we don't have a lot of time.

Gosh, I need you inside me.

Let's go make love against
those hard wooden stairs.

Edgar. Oh, thanks for letting me
talk through this

and letting me
ride you like that.

Now, I get meaningless sex.

It feels good physically,
and that's all.

Star that was...

that was amazing.

I mean, it was really,
really different.

- Did I bounce too much?
- No.

Oh, good.

That was so lovely.

Listen, I really
have to get back.

Barb, can never know about this.

Gosh, gotta go.

- Let's do it one more time.
- Oh, yup. Yup. Please.

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just playing
with this lamp.

- Oh.
- I got a little reflux.

And I tried to wake you,

but I saw you put a pillow
in the bed.

Was that just a funny joke?
I laughed but then I wondered.

Oh, um, I just didn't wanna
make you up.

You know, I didn't know
how long I was gonna be out.

Oh, thank God.

I thought maybe you went down
to the ocean and got swept away.

Where did you go?

I just went out
to clear my head.

You know, get some of that
salty breeze in my lungs.

- Okay.
- And went for a walk with...

a turtle.

- A turtle?
- You know, I just

wanna make sure he was safe,
so I-I... made sure he got home.

You went to a turtle's house?

I went to a turtle's house.

Where do they
live around here?

Oh, over by bushes.
How was your bath?


- It was good. Good tub.
- Good.

I just stayed in there,
the whole time.

Well, good for you.

Well, I was really relaxed,
and the water was warm.

And I...

saw a turtle.

In the tub?

Yup. A baby one.

He just floated up
out of the drain,

and he swam around,
and he splashed me.

And I tried to pet him,

- but he got scared.
- 'Cause your big?

So much bigger than him.
He went back down.

And, uh, anyway, that's why
you can't see him right now.


We should probably hit the hay.

Yes. Let's go to bed.
I'm tired.

Anyway, I'm so happy
to be here with you.

Well, I'm so happy
to be here with you.

- Good night.
- Good night, Star.


I love it.

I'm so happy I built you
that craft room.

Now, let's go over the plan
one last time.

- Are you ready?
- Why does this plan

mean so much to you, huh?

Oh, Yoyo.

Bring me my chair.

Where shall I begin?

I was born here in Taylorsville.

I was also born with a skin
condition the doctors called


Is it serious?

It is serious. You have
to take care of yourself.

You have to stay
out of the sunlight.

Leaving me
forever allergic to the sun.

When I was seven years old,
my father got a job

that would change our lives.

We packed up and moved
to a small town

in Florida called...

Vista Del Mar.

At my new school,
everyone made fun of me

because of the way
that I looked.

They would call me names like...

- pale girl...
- Pale girl.

- ...white devil...
- White devil.

- ...and asshole.
- Asshole.

I finally made one friend.

Her name was Maria Margolis.

She would stay inside with me.

We would read
and create inventions,

cook food from her culture.

Then one day as we were walking
to her casa,

through the Vista Del Mar

an alligator jumped out
of the water and ate Maria

right in front of me.

Really gobbled her up.

She was my last friend.

Years later,
my father convinced me

to go to Vista Del Mar's
annual Seafood Jam.

I remember looking up
on the stage

at the four young pretty girls.

One of them about to be crowned
the new Shrimp Queen.

And then all of a sudden...

a group of popular girls

from my school
pushed me on to the stage...

...ripping my hat off,
replacing it with a fake crown.

- No. No.
- Father was trying

to get to the front,
but he couldn't

before the elderly mayor
mistook me

for the actual Shrimp Queen and
proceeded with the tradition.

He shoved me
into the human cannon.

Then one of the girls
turned the dial all the way up.

I was shot out into the ocean.

As I rocketed
through the air,

the force of the wind
ripped off all of my clothes.

And I landed in the water...

of a pool...

of a Disney Cruise Ship.

And there I was,
a laughing stock.

Bobbing in the water like
a ball of fresh mozzarella.

From all the guilt
and the stress,

my poor father
suffered a heart attack.

And my mother abandoned me
to reinvent herself

in Palm Springs.
And after all that,

I knew someday,

I would get revenge
on that small town.

And everyone
that chose to live in it.

That dreadful town
that ruined my life

and cost me everything.

I think your feelings are valid
and this is the only answer.

Thank you, Yoyo.

But we have to get another
microchip to Edgar.

We're running out of time.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Plan B is in already in motion.

♪ Boobies on vacation ♪

♪ Boobies in the afternoon ♪

♪ Boobies at the hotel buffet ♪

♪ Bouncing all over the room ♪

♪ Boobies ♪

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

It's me. We spoke on the phone.

Darlie Bunkle?

I forgot you knew my name.

Yeah, it's me, Darlie Bunkle.
205 Pagoda Drive.

Is that your address?

Damn it!
That was private.

So, any idea when you think
the microchip will be ready?

- It's ready. I have a plan.
- Good.

A piece of paper
will be slipped under your door

naming the time and the place
for the drop off.

It will lined notebook paper
with frayed edges.

Letters will be small
because the message is private.

Why don't you
just tell it to me now

instead of having
to come back here later on?

Listen, Edgar, I've been
thinking about your idea.

You know, the one where I just
tell you where we're meeting

instead of me driving
a piece of paper to you

- wherever you are later.
- Yeah.

And I like it. I like it.

I'll meet you outside
your hotel room

probably at sundown.

When you see me next,
I'll be wearing a large

purple Zorro-style fedora
and the rest I don't know yet

but I love colors, all of them.

All right. I mean,
you're the expert. Okay.

Thank you. I am. Yeah,
I'm gonna sneak out subtly,

show you how it's done.

Damn it!

Bard, look. A banana boat.

I can't wait for us
to go on that together.


Ladies, I know
I've said this a lot,

but it's really hard
to draw your faces

when you keep talking.

- Sorry. Enough said. Yes.
- I'm sorry. Sorry about that.

What is she drawing?

- I don't know.
- You just did it.

- You moved your head again.
- I'm a caricature.

The suspense is killing me.

I hope she
gives me bigger teeth.

- Love big teeth.
- She loves big teeth.

- Good to know.
- I just like how

everything is accentuated
in the caricatures.

So, feel free to make my teeth
as big as you want.

Like just real big. Like,
even if it's just two eyes

and a bunch of teeth,
that would be...

Barb. Um, uh...

Gosh! All of a sudden, I'm...
I'm not feeling so good.

Oh. Oh, no. Are you...
are you okay?

I don't know. No.
I think I have the flu.

I think I should go lay down
in the room or something.

Oh, Star. Do you want me
to come with you?

No. I don't wanna ruin your day.

Just, uh, go snorkeling?

Snorkeling? In the ocean
with the currents?

- Oh, I couldn't do that.
- Oh.

Plus, we said we were
gonna do these things together.

I'll just wait for you
to get better.

Probably a few hours or so.
I'm feeling very faint.

But, um, I'll see you...
I'll see you then.

- All right. I'm done.
- Star.

And there you go. Enjoy.

I can see where the talking
was problematic.

That's what your face was doing.

You want in?

Oh, no. No, thanks.

There's a current, everyone!
There's a current!

Oh, my God. Waves.

♪ Pineapple princess ♪

♪ He calls me
Pineapple princess all day ♪

♪ As he plays his ukulele
On the hill above the bay ♪

♪ I saw a boy on Oahu isle ♪

♪ Floatin' down the bay
On a crocodile ♪

♪ He waved at me ♪

♪ And he swam ashore ♪

♪ And I knew he'd be mine
Forevermore ♪

♪ Pineapple princess ♪

♪ He calls me
Pineapple princess all day ♪

♪ As he plays his ukulele
On the hill above the bay ♪

♪ Pineapple princess,
I love you ♪

♪ You're the sweetest girl
I've seen ♪

♪ Someday we're gonna marry ♪

♪ And you'll be
My pineapple queen ♪


Oh, no!

How are you feeling?
Let me check.

Oh. Yup. It's fever.
A hundred and thirty-seven.

- Oh.
- You better rest.

Look at you. Looks like
you're getting a little tan.


There's a skylight
in the business center.


I've been
in the business center.

- Okay. Well, I better... Gosh!
- I don't wanna give you

- what I have.
- I'm gonna let you get you rest.

- Contagious. I'm so sick.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'll check in
with you later.

♪ He sings his song
From banana trees ♪

♪ He even sings to me
On his water skis ♪

♪ We went skin-divin'
And beneath the blue ♪

♪ He sang and played
His ukulele too ♪

♪ Pineapple princess
I love you ♪

♪ You're the sweetest girl
I've seen ♪

♪ Someday we're gonna marry ♪

♪ And you'll be
My pineapple queen ♪

This is living!



These just arrived.

Well, looks like Edgar
is distracting himself.


Well, she is beautiful.

You want me
to take care of them?

No, Yoyo.
I'll handle this.

Ow! Oh, my... Ow!

- Here!
- Oh, my.

Take my calloused hand.

That's very calloused.

Wow! Feels like barnacles.

Oh, yeah. I fell on my elbow.

It's all right.
It'll be fine.

What is such a beautiful woman
doing all alone out here?

in the sticks?

Oh. I'm just changing
into my regular clothes.

I... I'm sorry.
I thought it was private here.

Give me your arm.

- What?
- Your arm.


Thank you.

What do you mean
regular clothes?

It's a long story.
I'm on vacation,

and my friend is sick,

and I've been pretending
that I'm doing nothing,

but I've been doing everything.

Anyway, I feel bad.

But I have to admit, I also
have never felt more alive.

Am I a bad friend?

You could only be a friend

if you're a friend
to yourself first.

That is where you find
your truth.

What if I don't know my truth?

- What if you do?
- Oh.

You are finding
your courage, your voice.

- You're being delivered.
- I am?

It is time to mount the wind
and ride it

with the fierceness
of a hippopotamus.


- Ha-hoya!
- Oh.

- You are rising.
- Oh, my God.

Your truth is
that you are a phoenix.

Dumbledore's bird.

- Who?
- Dumbledore.

I must leave now...
to finish my swamp walk.

Remember, your shimmer
is on the horizon.

My shimmer?
How did you know that?

It's what I do.

Wait. Sir, I'm sorry,
what was your name.

The name is Tommy.

Tommy Bahama.

What the fu...

Bless you.

Thank you.

Edgar, what are we gonna do
when this trip is over?

Let's not talk about the future.

I just wanna spend
every moment we have

discovering different levels
of specialness in you.

Oh, you're so amazing.

I have so many feelings
in my heart.

Just incredible and amazing.

I have those feelings too.

You've been pleasuring me
a lot lately.

In that last position,
your dong went really deep.

I think your dong
went all the way up and...

touched my heart.

So, what do we do now?

I mean, do you still just want

meaningless flings
or something more...



Oh, Star!

Oh, I have to go. I have...
I have a business meeting.

Oh, business meeting.

Oh, no. I wish I could tell you
more about my job,

- but...
- No. No. Come on.

What else is there to know?
You're a clam inspector,

and you're in town
on top business.


Gosh, he smells so good.

Is this right?

What about Barb?

I'm in a big pickle,
little crab.

What am I gonna do?

Go with your heart.
Love is rare.

True friends forgive.

Oh. Well, that makes me
feel better.

- I...
- To a point.

Well, it depends what you do
and how long your lie lasts.

Now, if you really
"F" her over,

she is not gonna talk
to you again.

Oh. Well, thanks a lot.

I should probably get going.

The name's Morgan.

Morgan Freemond, with a "D."

Well, maybe I'll see you around.

You won't.

I am going
into the ocean tonight

and I shall never return.

Oh, I have lived a full life.

Bathed in the sun.
Slept in the sand.

I was in jail.
Even drove an old lady around,

and taught her about tolerance
and true friendship.

But that kid is long gone.

This old crab
is all that's left.

Goodbye, me.

Psst! Get me tonight.
I'm having a yard sale.

And it's going better
than I thought.

So, the microchip is inside.
Keep it private.

Darlie Bunkle. Age, 41.
Weight, 179. Damn it!

Oh, my gosh.

I love this place.

I love this bar.
I love the food.

I love the way Richard's music
always lift my spirits. Oh!

♪ Several of my friends
From high school ♪

♪ Have recently passed ♪

♪ Seth, Gabe, Grant
All dead... ♪

That one's a little dark,
but I love it here.

We love having you, Barb.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Hey, Barb.

- Jeff.
- Ready for the banana boat?

- Oh, yes.
- All right.

Gosh! I forgot
we were doing this.

- Put this on.
- Is it okay

if I just wear my culottes?
I forgot.

- Yeah.
- Great.

Just helping you ready
'cause you're in

for a real tit flapper.

Jeff, really?

It's what it does.

Your skin jiggles,
your tits start flapping.

- Anyway, after you.
- Oh, okay.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I'm, you know,
feeling a little guilty.

I supposed to be doing this
with Star.

You know what?

I'm gonna wait
till she's feeling better,

'cause this the one thing

that we really, really,
really wanted to do together.



That's hot.

Look, Star, I...

I really like you.

Oh, my God.
Yes, I will.

- What?
- Hmm?

Oh. Oh. Nothing. Never mind.
I thought you were... It wasn't.

It's not. It's okay.
Never mind.

My head is just a little...

That's my cell phone.

- Oh. Phew!
- Yeah.

It's work.
I should probably take this.


See each other soon?

- Okay.
- Star.


I've never been this happy.



- Musical.
- What?

Uh-uh. I've gonna be...

I didn't get it.

I'm gonna be... Yeah.




Well, I don't know
how much clearer I can be.

I've changed my mind.

I see now, you've been using me.

Edgar, don't be silly.

We're almost at
the finish line.

And you and I can be official.

Don't even try.

You know,
I've figured it all out.

You pretended to loved me.

You made me a bunch of promises

so that I would come down here

and place the receiver
on the stage,

in the middle
of the Seafood Jam party,

that will attract
thousands of deadly mosquitoes

that are gonna kill
thousands of people.

Excuse me.

Did you get that leaf and pearl
necklace down by the boardwalk?

Oh, yes.
I got it at Baleafy Ornate.

I'm sorry. What?

- Baleafy Ornate.
- What?

And not that you care,
but I have met someone.

And unlike you, I know... I know
what real love feels like,

and it is not
how you've treated me.

- It feels amazing and special.
- Oh, Edgar,

I really hate to be the one
to tell you this.

You know, you... your girlfriend

and her little partner,
the ones with the fluffy hair

- and the culottes.
- How do you know about them?

Their spies, Edgar. They're not
who they say they are

and they've been playing you
all along.

- You're lying.
- I wish I was.


I have some inside sources
at their agency.

What agency?
Who do they work for?

-The H... P... V.

- Sounds familiar.
- Check your emails.

We've intercepted some
of the photos they've sent back

to headquarters.
I think you'll find

there are some interesting ones.

It all looks very fun.

- Star, no.
- Oh,

I know, Edgar,

this must hurt that she
lied to you about loving you.

And I don't blame you

about running into the arms
of another woman.

I hadn't been there for you,
and I'm so sorry.

Let's get away after this,
find a little place in Portugal

where we can be official.

I got the necklace
at Baleafy Ornate.

- I cannot hear you. What?
- Baleafy Ornate.

It's called Baleafy Ornate!

It sells everything bay leaf!

It's a play on words!
My God, lady!



Sorry I yelled.

- Sorry.
- Shit!

What shit?

It was Barb, the other one.
She was listening

at the door.
Damn, they're good...

I can't believe this.

Edgar, you listen to me
and you listen to me good.

- Edgar?
- I'm listening.

Okay. I just wanted to make
sure you could still hear me.

the connection in here...


I need you to find those two.
And kill them.



Oh, don't bother
pretending to be sick anymore.

I know all
about your little lies.

And I know all
about you and Edgar.

And guess what?
He's a bad man!

And he's gonna do
something terrible!

- What?
- He's following orders

from someone. I overheard him
on the phone with his boss.

His boss from Clamco?

No, Star! He lied to you!
He's a killer!

A killer?

But, Barb, what you're saying
is ridiculous.

There's nothing ridiculous
about what I'm saying.

Edgar put a receiver
in the middle of the Seafood Jam

that'll trigger deadly mosquitos
that'll fly into the crowd

and sting everybody
with their killer tails!

Why are you doing this?

- You're making this all up!
- Oh, come on.

I cannot believe you.

You're mad
because Edgar picked me!

Get me a break.
I am not mad about that.

And I am not making it up.

- I'm calling the police.
- Fine.

Jeff's Banana Boats?

I didn't go through with it.

While I was lying here
in my deathbed?

- You weren't sick.
- You didn't know that?

- Because you lied.
- So did you.

I should have gone
on that banana boat.

- I wish I did.
- Oh.

I hear it's a real
tit flapper.

911, what's your emergency?

Uh, never mind.

I thought I saw a burglar
but it was a... turtle.

Yoyo, where are you?

The mosquitoes are almost there.


And, remember, don't keep
the steering wheel too straight.

Lots of tiny movements,
left to right.

I wish we wouldn't
have had these ropes.

Stop squirming.

Believe me this is better.
I'm supposed to kill you guys.

What? Who said to kill us?
Edgar, what is happening?

- Ow! Our bracelets are sharp.
- These bracelets really hurt.

- They're sharp. I know.
- They're sharp, be careful

with that. And we...

Edgar, you lied to me!

You should talk.
I know all about the HPV.

Okay. Look, I was gonna
tell you about that.

A lot of people have it.
I mean, you probably have it.

Stop trying to confuse me.

Star, I thought
you we're different.


Don't let him
bamboozled you, Star.

He's a murderer.
Tell her.

- You're not who you say you are.
- You're not who you say you are.

We are who we are.
We're Barb and Star.

Unlike you, Edgar,
you big effin' liar.


God, I knew this wasn't real.

And no one could ever
love me again.

God, I'm in so much grief
right now.

- Goodbye, ladies.
- Edgar, please wait.

A lot of innocent people
will die.

At least tell us why?

Why you would ever be involved
with such an awful thing?

I'll tell you.

- Oh, he pulled up a chair.
- It's gonna be a long story.

When I was seven years old
my father

left my mom,
my eleven sisters, and me.

- Use your bracelet.
- I was the oldest,

so I had to support us.

We had no money.

I did odd jobs.
I built lawnmowers for Honda.

I even tried to sell my poop
to farmers

saying that it was fertilizer.

It was never enough.

One day,
a woman wearing a cape

and bag over her head
put $50 in my cup.

- Oh. Hmm.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.

She started to seduce me

as the errands
became more criminal.

I fell under her spell.

I thought it was love.

I would do anything for her.

We'd always talk
about this particular plan.

Her life's work.

When it came time to help her,
I said, Yes.

Of course,
I had my reservations,


But she said when it was over,
we could be an official couple.

That's all I wanted at the time.
That's all I've ever wanted.

People do crazy things for love.

Yeah, but, I mean,
killing people, that's...

that's a lot.

Yeah, it's a lot of people.
That's... that's a little crazy.

Is it? Wouldn't you
have done it for Carmine?

And you for Ron?


How do you know about Barb's
dead husband, Ron Quicksilver?

- Wait.
- She told me

- when she came to see me.
- Oh.

That night on the foot bridge
right before you did.

Well, you weren't supposed
to say that.

Goodbye, Barb and Star.
Whoever you are.

Okay. We can talk about it.
Let's just talk about it.

It's... It was a long time ago.
A long time.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

to the 49th Annual Seafood Jam,

where the clams are hot

and the crowd
is on the older side.

People are gonna die!

- We have to find Edgar!
- You're right,

but by me agreeing with you
about having to stop Edgar,

I don't agree about
stopping being mad at you.

We agree to go.
But I want you to know

that I'm frustrated and hurt

and I'm really
freaking pissed off.

I'm freaking pissed off too.
It's not that I'm copying you

- It's because I am.
- Fine.



Oh, hello.

Enjoying your vacation?

- Well, um...
- Oh, um...

- It started out fine.
- ...supposed to be a friend trip

- We got here and we were...
- And we got here.

No, I didn't...

The first night, we went out
to loosen up a little bit.

That's when we meet Edgar,
which was not a good idea.

Edgar and I started hanging out,
and I was lying to Barb,

- which I shouldn't have done...
- I met Tommy Bahama.

- You met Tommy Bahama? Anyway...
- Then we discovered...


I have set up one last excursion
for the two of you.

It's more of a game, really.

The rules are
you get to choose how you die.

- What?
- What?

You can either
jump off that cliff behind you

hitting every sharp rock
on the way down,

ripping your skin
at every bounce

or you can stay here
and have dinner

with, um... my new friends.

There are two

very hungry hot alligators
in those crates.


- Oh, please. No, no...
- No, no, no...

That's what you get
for getting in my way.

Now, you can kiss your
middle-aged, flat, wide asses...


- Please wait!
- Oh, my gosh!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Thanks a lot, Star, for making
me come on this trip.

Now, we're gonna die
just like I predicted.

Oh, will you just stop
your complaining for once?

Seems to me like you've been
having the time

- of your life here.
- Oh, I sure have.

When we get to heaven, we're not
living with each other,

and we're not running around
playing harps

in our halos and wings!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not even
gonna look for you up there!

I'm gonna find the farthest
cloud away from you.

And I'm gonna find Betsy Ross!

And I'm gonna be
best friends with her.

And we're gonna ignore you
at all the parties.

I guess we're gonna die
on bad terms.

I guess you're right.

- Our culottes!
- They're natural parachutes.

I'm so sorry. Oh!

So sorry. Lying to you
was the hardest thing

I've ever had to do.

- I'm sorry too.
- No. This is all my fault.

None of this will be happening
if I hadn't suggested

coming on this trip
in the first place.

Are you kidding? I've had
the time of my life here.

I've done things
I never thought I would do.

I went in the ocean, Star.

- And I got my labia pierced.
- What?

I took it out.
Immediately took it out.

I should never have spent
all that time with Edgar

behind your back.
I should've told you.

I know you're only
trying to protect my feelings.

And I'm so happy you found love.

I mean, it's unfortunate that
he turned out to be a conman

- and a mass murderer.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- Edgar.

- We have to stop him.
- Go!

The Seafood Jam
just keeps on jamming!

Nice view.

What are you doing here?

Cleaning up your mess.

Seems like
you can't follow through

with anything these days.
For example,

getting rid
of your little friends.

- I did. I-I mean, I...
- Oh, it's okay, Edgar.

I took care of them myself.


- What did you do?
- Let's just say

there are a couple
of alligators out there

with bellies full of... them.

Oh, don't be so sad, Edgar.

Those two were just a couple
of pathetic Stellas

trying to get their groove back.

But they were spies, right?

I mean, you told me
that they were spies.

Sorry. I just said that
to get what I want.

Sometimes I do that,

but I'll work on it
on our relationship, I promise.

That is still what you want,
isn't it, Edgar?

To be official?

And, um, the receiver
is in position?

It's on the stage.

- The microchip is inside.
- Good.

This is it.

My moment of glory.

Goodbye, Vista Del Mar.
You stupid place

full of dummies.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.


- Shit.
- Of course, shrimp

is the most popular fish
in America.

Let's introduce our finalists.


- Sorry.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, my God.

He said it was on the stage.

- Star.
- Yes?

Oh, my gosh. That's it.

Star, it's bleeping.

Go, go, go, go.

- We need to get it in the water!
- Okay!

Run, run!
Oh. Wait, wait, wait.

- Look, look, look.
- Yeah?

- Oh, Lord, shells?
- Everything's shells.

What kind of bird is this?
It's all made out of shells.

- Star!
- He's coming. Run!

Star. Guys, please stop!

Please wait!
Hey, I'm trying to stop this!

No! We won't let you do this.

We'll throw it on the ocean
and destroy it.

No. That won't destroy it.

- Just... just give it to me.
- No.

Look, I'm sorry.

She told me you were spies.
That's why I tied you up.

She's manipulated me
this whole time.

- Why should we believe you?
- Because...

I love you, Star.


I think you're the most
beautiful woman I've ever met,

especially on the inside.

Edgar, please.
Not in front of Barb.

- No. Not that inside.
- Oh.

- Your heart.
- Oh.

Listen, I need you guys
to get in the cab

and drive inland
as fast as you can, okay?

I'm gonna get in the boat
and dump the receiver

far out in the ocean, okay?

You don't have
to worry about me.

Look, I have the antidote.

What's the matter?

Lemon infused ice tea?

She was setting me up
to die this whole time.

- Oh. That's not nice.
- Oh. Oh, no.

It doesn't matter.

The plan is the same.
I have to go through with it.

I got us into this mess.
I'm gonna fix it.

- No, Edgar. No, you can't.
- Star...

I'm sorry
for getting you into this.

- Goodbye, Star.
- No.

You mean hello... me.

It's me, fools,

Darlie Bunkle.
Now, do you recognize me?

I was wearing disguise glasses.

And this disguise shirt,

- and this disguise...
- Run!

Whoa! Hey!

Hey. Sir. Sir, can we please
borrow your Jet Ski?

It's really important.

Don't explain.
I need no further information.

- Take it. We trust you. Come on.
- I'll drive. Come on.


Uh, it's beeping faster.

Time to surface.

We're sorry,

you have reached a number
that's no longer in service.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...who will be
this year's

Seafood Jam Shrimp Queen?

Releasing the mosquitoes.

What's happening?

We're gonna die this time!

Okay. My turn.

My favorite facial expression
goes like this.

Lord, we're coming
to see you now!

- Open the gate!
- The pearly one!

Make sure
it's the pearly one!

And the winner is...

Sydney Hobart!

♪ She is the Shrimp Queen ♪

♪ Is she a dream
Or is she real? ♪

♪ What a glorious deal
For her and the... ♪

Just stop!


I'll give you your break.
You need it.

Star. What have I done?
I should be right there.

I gotta get something

really big off my chest.
The biggest lie of them all.

- I gotta tell you.
- What?

I never went
to a turtle's house.

Oh, Star, that's okay.

I never splashed and played
with a baby turtle in the tub.

I never even got in the tub.

And I still have my
labia pierced.

- What?
- God, it's so uncomfortable

sitting on this thing.
I don't think it's healed yet.



- Give it to me!
- It's too late. It's over.

Give it to me, or she drowns!

Star, no!
Star, no!




Looking for this?

Yes, I was actually.

You're really gonna sacrifice
your own lives

for those fools on the beach?

Give me the keys!

- Barb?
- Star?

No, no, no, no.

No! No!

Sorry about that, man.

Let me know if you wanna get
some food later.

Barb and Star,

they... they saved us all.
Now they're gone.

♪ Did you ever-eever-eyever
In your life-lee-low ♪

♪ See a diver-deever-devver
Kiss his wife-wee-woe... ♪

What the fuck?

♪ In the kingdom of the sea ♪

♪ While the bubbles bounce
About above the water? ♪

You're alive?

What just happened?
What was that?

It was Trish.

Oh, Star, I'm so sorry

I was ever involved in such
a horrible plan. I mean,

I'm so ashamed.

No, Edgar, I believe you.

And I do wanna be
an official couple with you.

Because I love you.

I love you with all
my fart... heart.

Oh, God. What a terrible time
to flub my words.

- Whoo.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Wow!

I just wanna say,

I believe you too, Edgar,
so we're cool.

Everything's cool.

I do wonder where we're all
gonna live though?

Well, isn't this sweet?

Surprised to see me?

Well, I'm not surprise.
You took the real antidote?

Of course, I did!
You traitor!

And as for you,
I should've push you two

off the cliff
when I had the chance!

But it's not too late for me

to shut your blabbing trap.

No. You shut your
blabbing trap.

You're a nobody.

Not anymore!

I am Barb freakin' Quicksilver,
and I have been delivered.

I used to be afraid

of a lot of stuff,
including people like you.

But I'm not afraid anymore!

And I know my truth.
I'm a phoenix.

Now, my friend,

Star is really good with words,
and she is gonna speak now!

You won't be rude through it.

You won't be rude,
you rude lady!


Star, the beach is yours.

You can do this, Star.


I know you have a lot of pain.

You're just trying to hurt
all these people because...

you're hurting inside yourself.

But you're not alone.

I've always been alone.

Well, that's terrible.
No friends?

I hate that word.

Friend is the best word of all.

I mean, they're there
when you're sad.

They jump up and down with you
when something good happens.

Yeah. And you'll spend
your birthdays together

and stay up late giggling
about boobs and butts and stuff.

No one ever wants to be...
my friend.

I'll be your friend.


So will I.

Me too.
I'll be your friend.

- Me too.
- Me too.

- Me too.
- Me too.

I'd very much like
being your friend,

if you'll take me.


Uh... I mean, it's kind of weird
but I guess.

After everything I've done?

I'm not going to...

I'm not gonna get emotional.

No. No!

I'm not going to cry. No.

They're trying to come up,
but no.

No! No!

They're coming.
My feelings are coming!


I'm ready to have friends!

And now I'm gonna
rush out into the crowd.

I mean, all of you,
we could giggle

about boobs and butts.
Who wants to be my first friend?

We did it.

Barb, there something
on your chest.

- It's like you're glowing.
- So are you. On your chest.

What is...

It's our shimmer.

- Edgar.
- That's great.

- We got our shimmer. I saw hers.
- She saw mine.

What do you say
we go celebrate

if I get another
buried treasure.

- Ooh. That sounds fun.
- Yeah.

- Really fun!
- But actually, um...

Barb and I have something
we have to do first.

- We found it.
- I can't believe it.

Well, looks like
Barb and Star

found some adventure after all.

I mean, ain't that
what we all want?

A little love, friendship,
and adventure?

Well, I hope you learned
something here today.

I know I did.

Sometimes you gotta step out
of your box a little

then you'll know what life
is really about.

But then again, what do I know?

I'm just a fun-loving
water spirit named Trish.

Bye-bye now.

♪ Ay ♪

Hey, middle-aged people.

You thought this was over?

You are wrong.

It's time to boogie!

♪ Okay, shawty
What's happenin'? ♪

♪ Girl let's get
This thing crackin' ♪

♪ You just bend it on over ♪

♪ I'll get behind
And you make it wind ♪

♪ Jump in the line
Shake your body on mine ♪

♪ Ba-dong-bong-bong
Ba-dong-ba-da-bong-bong ♪

- We keep going? A little more.
- Yeah. Just a little more.

♪ Jump in the line
Shake your body on mine ♪

♪ Brra-dong
Ba-dong-ba-dong-bong ♪

♪ Jump in the line
Shake your body on mine ♪

♪ Ba-dong-bong-bong
Ba-dong-ba-da-bong-bong... ♪

♪ Shake, shake, shake, señora ♪

- ♪ Shake it left and right ♪
- ♪ Right ♪

♪ Work, work, work, señora
Right into my ride ♪

♪ Miami's in the house
Without a doubt ♪

♪ I'm the Chico, in the club
That they yell about ♪

♪ I'm from the city
Where the women all real... ♪

It's getting hard to breath
a little bit,

but I'm gonna keep going.

♪ And that ass
Is off the chain ♪

♪ I hit that thing so hard ♪

♪ She called 411 pain
Dammit, man ♪

♪ Let's go to Jamaica
For Sean Paul ♪

♪ Then take it to tally
For T-Pain ♪

♪ Mami move that ass
Like chitty-chitty bang-bang ♪

♪ Chitty-chitty bang-bang ♪

♪ Okay, shawty
What's happenin'? ♪

♪ Girl let's get
This thing crackin' ♪

♪ You just bend it on over ♪

♪ I'll get behind
And you make it wind ♪

♪ Jump in the line
Shake your body on mine ♪

♪ Brra-dong
Ba-dong-ba-dong-bong ♪

♪ Jump in the line
Shake your body on mine ♪

♪ Brra-dong
Ba-dong-ba-dong-bong... ♪

I don't have any sand
in my mouth yet...

- You don't?
- Not yet.

I can feel a little
granules, like,

- in between my teeth, like...
- Your teeth? Oh!

- I just got some. There you go.
- Oh, there you go.

♪ Brra-dong
Ba-dong-ba-dong-bong ♪

Ah. Can we talk about
horses now?

Give it to me.


My bad.

There are good ships.
And wood ships.

And ships that sail the sea.

But the best ships
are friendships.

And may they always be.

I agree.