Banjo Hackett: Roamin' Free (1976) - full transcript

A traveling horse trader and his young nephew travel the west in search of the boy's prize Arabian horse, who has been stolen by a bounty hunter.

[dog barking]

WHERE'S HE AT?

SHOOTING BILLIARD POOL
OVER AT TIMBERLINE BAR.

DID YOU ROUND UP A COMMITTEE?

[horse neighing]

COME ON, BOYS!
MOOSE MATLOCK'S HERE
AND THE TAR'S BUBBLING.

WHO'S MOOSE AFTER
THIS TIME?

HEY! WHO'S MOOSE AFTER?

BANJO HACKETT.

BANJO'S BACK IN TOWN?

HE'S GOT A DEAD LETTER HERE.



MOOSE CLAIMS THAT BANJO
ROOKED HIM INTO BUYING

SOME SURPLUS ARMY MULES,

AND NOT ONE OF THEM
WAS WORTH A DANG.

MEN WOULD THINK THAT.

DO YOU KNOW
SOMETHING DIFFERENT?

EVERYBODY KNOWS
BANJO'S HONEST ENOUGH

AS HORSE TRADERS GO,
AND A FINE FIGURE OF A MAN.

WHAT I HEARD WAS THAT
MOOSE CAME HOME EARLY

FROM HIS
KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS MEETING

AND HE FOUND
THE BACK WINDOW OPEN.

YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY--

AND THE CURTAINS FLUTTERING.

OH ME, OH MY.

AND HIS PRETTY
WIFE WAS ALL SMILES.



OOH.

HERE IT IS.

LOOKS LIKE
IT'S STILL MY SHOT, JUDGE.

UNLESS MY GUESS IS WRONG,

THAT HORSE IS AS BLIND
AS A NOONDAY OWL.

SPARES HIM DISTRACTIONS.

EXCUSE ME, JUDGE.

I HATE TO BRING UP
UNGENTLEMANLY CONDUCT,
HACKETT,

BUT BRINGING IN
A BLIND HORSE

MAKES A MOCKERY
OF FAIR PLAY.

NO RULE AGAINST IT, JUDGE.

IT FLOUTS GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP.

(Banjo)
WHO'S SPORTIN'?

[horse neighing]

WHOA, WHOA THERE!

THAT HORSE IS
STONE DEAF, TOO!

AIN'T THAT MIRACULOUS?

JUST LIKE HE WAS
BORN FOR THE JOB.

NOW LOOK HERE, HACKETT,

IF I HAD A DEVIOUS MIND,

I MIGHT SUSPECT YOU WERE

TRYING TO UNLOAD THAT
MISERABLE CREATURE ON ME.

JUDGE, HOW CAN YOU
SAY SUCH A THING?

WHOA, THERE, TAXI, WHOA.

YOU KNOW, I GOT HIM
OFF A TAXIDERMIST
UP IN IDAHO.

COULDN'T TRAIN
HIM NOT TO BLINK.

DON'T TRIFLE WITH ME!

STILL, I MIGHT BE
PERSUADED TO TAKE THAT

MISERABLE PLUG
OFF YOUR HANDS

AS--AS A PERSONAL FAVOR.

HOW MUCH?
$100 EVEN.

FOR A BLIND HORSE?

NONSENSE!

NOT A PENNY OVER $50.

MIGHT COME DOWN TO $90.

THERE'S A LETTER HERE
FOR BANJO HACKETT.

THANK YOU, MA'AM.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

$60 AND THAT'S FINAL.

LET'S FORGET
THE WHOLE THING.

WELL, MAYBE, UH, $65.

[sniffs]

WHAT'S THAT
I'M SMELLING?

WELL, I KNOW YOU'RE ON
A GOVERNMENT SALARY.

$75 IS MY ROCK BOTTOM.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT! DONE.

NOW LET'S SHAKE ON IT.

THEY TARRIN' THE STREETS?

NOW YOU GET DOWN
OFF MY HORSE.

TAR?

BANJO HACKETT,

WE WANT YOU!

YOU BLIND...

[horse neighing]

RIDE, BANJO, RIDE.

HEAD HIM OFF
AT THE DRUGSTORE!

STOP HIM! THAT'S MY HORSE!

NOBODY HARM THAT HORSE!

[sighs]

1 AND 2 AND OUT
WITH THE BAD AIR,

IN WITH THE GOOD.

AND 1 AND 2

AND OUT WITH THE BAD AIR,
IN WITH THE GOOD.

AND 1 AND 2 AND
OUT WITH THE BAD AIR,

IN WITH THE GOOD.

AND 1 AND 2

AND OUT WITH THE BAD AIR,
IN WITH THE GOOD.

AND 1 AND 2 AND
OUT WITH THE BAD AIR.

AND 1 AND 2

AND OUT WITH THE BAD AIR,

IN WITH THE GOOD.
AND 1 AND 2...

HEY, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

HEY, LEMME GO!
LEMME GO! DAG-NABBIT!

(Mister Creed)
COMPANY, HALT!

(Jubal)
HEY, CUT IT OUT.
LEMME GO!

CAN'T YOU SEE
I'M A POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY?

I WAS ONE, TOO.

AND I'M GONNA
TEACH YOU A SECRET, KID.

(Mister Creed)
STAND FAST!

LEARN HOW TO TAKE IT
UNTIL YOU'RE BIG ENOUGH
TO DISH IT OUT.

YOU DIRTY SKUNK!
YOU STINK!

(Mister Creed)
THAT WILL DO.

THAT WILL DO!

I'M OBLIGED TO YOU, SIR.

IF THERE'S A BOUNTY ON HIM,
MAKE IT PAYABLE
TO SAMUEL IVORY.

THERE'S A SAM IVORY
WHO'S FAMOUS
AS A MANHUNTER AND PISTOLEER.

WOULD YOU BY CHANCE
BE ONE AND THE SAME?

NOTHING ABOUT ME
IS BY CHANCE.

WELL? WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY?

LOOK AT ME!

YOU REFUSE TO LEARN.

WELL, MY LITTLE MAN,
YOU WILL!

(Mister Creed)
ALL RIGHT, YOU BOYS.

COME ALONG. FOLLOW ME.

CATHERINE! IT'S ME.

YES?

SHE BUSY WITH A FITTING
OR SOMETHING?

WHO MIGHT YOU BE?

I'M BANJO,
CATHERINE'S BROTHER.

OH, DEAR.

THE ONE SHE WROTE
ALL THOSE LETTERS TO
IN CARE OF GENERAL DELIVERY.

SHE SAID SHE WAS AILING,
BUT THAT WAS A COUPLE
OF MONTHS AGO.

BET SHE'S UP TO SNUFF
BY NOW THOUGH, AIN'T SHE?

I'M AFRAID NOT. I...

PLEASE ACCEPT MY CONDOLENCES.

NO. THAT--THAT
SHOULDN'T BE.

SHE WAS MY ONLY SISTER.

WHAT A PITY
YOU WEREN'T HERE.

STILL, YOU'LL BE
HAPPY TO KNOW

THERE WAS A GOOD TURNOUT
WHEN SHE WAS PUT TO REST.

IT WAS DONE SIMPLY,
OF COURSE, WITHOUT
YOUR USUAL COSTLY FRILLS.

FOLKS UNDERSTOOD.

THE POOR THING.
SHE HAD ALL THOSE DEBTS.

I'LL SQUARE 'EM.
NO. THERE'S NO NEED.

THE SHERIFF'S AUCTION
WAS A WEEK AGO
LAST THURSDAY.

EVERYTHING WENT,
OF COURSE.

WHAT ABOUT HER BOY,
MY NEPHEW?

POOR JUBAL.

REALLY, THERE WAS
NOTHING ELSE WE COULD DO.

SAY, FROM THE SMELL
OF THAT BARBERSHOP TONIC,

I'D SAY YOU AIM TO HIRE
ONE OF OUR BUGGIES
TO DO SOME SPARKING, HUH?

ALL I WANT IS AN ANSWER.

SURE, WHAT'S THE QUESTION?

WHERE'S DIDO'S LAMENT?

WHERE'S WHAT?

(Pegram)
IN THE NAME OF GOD, MISTER.

THE TRUTH.

HEY HO!

OH, WILEY, YOU IN THERE?

WILEY?

GET OUT HERE
AND TEND TO BUSINESS!

WHO DONE THIS, WILEY?

STRANGER.

MEAN EYES,
SMELLING OF BAY RUM TONIC.

LOOKS WORSE THAN IT IS.

WHERE DO YOU
KEEP YOUR MEDICINES?

OVER THERE.

BANJO, YOU REMEMBER
THAT LITTLE CHESTNUT MARE,

THE ONE YOU GIVE JUBAL
HIS LAST BIRTHDAY?

DIDO'S LAMENT.
YEAH, I WAS MEANING
TO ASK YOU ABOUT HER.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
THAT STRANGER WAS
ASKING ABOUT, TOO.

HE MUST HAVE FOUND OUT
I BOUGHT HER AT THE AUCTION.

GOT HER PASTURED
OUT SOMEWHERE?

UH-UH.

SOLD HER THE DAY
BEFORE YESTERDAY.

SAY, WHAT'VE WE GOT HERE?

"CENTAUR BRAND
CORDIAL INVIGORANT."

THAT OUGHT
TO DO THE TRICK.

BANJO, I USE THAT
FOR HORSE LINIMENT.

SAYS RIGHT THERE,
"GREAT REMEDY

FOR MAN OR BEAST,
INTERNAL OR EXTERNAL."

[moans]

I RECKON YOU, UH,

TOLD HIM WHO BOUGHT
JUBAL'S MARE OFF OF YOU.

HE HAD THAT PITCHFORK!

WHAT'S IT TO ME ANYWAY,
BANJO?

I TOLD HIM IT'S ICHABOD,
THE TRAVELING TINKER
AND KNIFE SHARPENER,

JUST PASSING
THROUGH TOWN.

WHICH WAY WAS HE TRAVELING?

SOUTH.

BANJO, IS THERE SOMETHING
SPECIAL ABOUT THAT HORSE?

YEP.

BUT THERE AIN'T BUT
ONE OTHER PERSON
IN THE WHOLE WORLD, EXCEPT ME,

WHO KNOWS THE SECRET WHY.

[crickets chirping]

I'VE COME TO SEE
WHOEVER'S IN CHARGE
OF THIS PLACE.

(Mister Creed)
WHAT? A LIE!

GO FETCH HIM, SON.

(Mister Creed)
THIS IS A MOCKERY.

[child crying]

(child)
NO.

[thudding]

[child crying]

(child)
NO, NO, NO.

JUBAL!

YOU'RE INTRUDING, SIR.

IF YOU'LL BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO STEP OUT--

THAT'S YOUR LAST WHACK.

[bell ringing]

JEREMY, ESCORT
MASTER BANCROFT DOWNSTAIRS

WHERE HE MAY REFLECT
ON THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS.

"I MUST BE THEIR
SCOURGE AND MINISTER,"

AS SHAKESPEARE SAID,
"CRUEL ONLY TO BE KIND."

THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE.

TODAY'S UNRULY
AND DISRESPECTFUL BOY,

IF NOT PUT STRAIGHT,
BECOMES TOMORROW'S MISCREANT.

AND SOON WE'LL HAVE SPAWNED
A GENERATION
OF CROOKS, BRAGGARTS--

I'M THE UNCLE
OF JUBAL WINTER
AND I'VE COME FOR HIM.

JUBAL WINTER, YOU SAY.
OUR NEWEST.

I REGRET TO SAY
THE LAD'S MAKING
A PAINFUL ADJUSTMENT.

I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.
NOW YOU GET HIM,

AND WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY.

AH, IF ONLY
IT WERE THAT EASY.

I'M HIS NEAREST
LIVING RELATIVE
AND I WANT HIM.

NOW WHERE'S THE KNOT
IN THAT ROPE?

THE CHILD'S BEEN PLACED
IN MY CUSTODY.

I CAN'T JUST TURN HIM
OVER TO YOU

WITHOUT OBSERVING
THE LEGAL NICETIES.

YOU MEAN SEE A JUDGE?

AFTER ALL,
WE MUST BE SATISFIED
YOU'RE A FIT GUARDIAN.

BY THE WAY,
WHAT'S YOUR TRADE
OR CALLING?

I'M A HORSE TRADER.

OH, DEAR, DEAR.

I'VE HEARD
THAT ATTITUDE BEFORE.

BUT I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
CRUEL ONLY TO BE KIND
TO MY ANIMALS.

AND I WON'T EVER BE
TO THAT BOY!

BESIDES, IT DON'T CHANGE
THE FACTS,

WHICH IS KITH
BELONGS WITH KIN.

NEVERTHELESS,
THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE DONE TONIGHT.

NOW I SUGGEST YOU
COME BY TOMORROW--

NOT HARDLY.

SEE HERE!
I MUST WARN YOU,
I'M A PUBLIC SERVANT.

WHERE'VE YOU GOT HIM?

UNDER LOCK AND KEY!

TODAY THE IMPENITENT
LITTLE SNIPJACK
TRIED TO RUN AWAY!

WELL, TONIGHT
HE'S GONNA MAKE IT!

NO! NO!
UNHAND ME!

HELP!

TAKE ME TO JUBAL.

I'LL HAVE THE LAW ON YOU!

HELP! COME BACK.
COME OVER HERE.

GET ME DOWN!

COME HERE!

(Mister Creed)
COME BACK HERE!

AIN'T YOU GOT
NOTHING TO SAY
TO YOUR UNCLE BANJO?

YOU WANNA SEE MY RAT BITES?

(Jubal)
THIS IS THE HOUSE
WHERE MOM AND ME USED TO LIVE.

DON'T LOOK LIKE
ANYBODY'S MOVED IN.

(Banjo)
THEN THIS AIN'T BURGLARY,
STRICTLY SPEAKING.

(Jubal)
PUSH ME THROUGH.

(Banjo)
EASY DOES IT.

(Jubal)
I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.

[thunder rumbling]

SEE? I KNEW THEY
WOULDN'T FIND THIS

WHEN THEY CAME AND TOOK
MOMMA'S FURNITURE AWAY.

IT'S MY "POSSIBLES" BAG.

I GOT THE IDEA FROM YOURS.

WELL, THE IMPORTANT THING IS
YOU GOT THEM PAPERS I GAVE YOU
ALONG WITH DIDO'S LAMENT?

SURE, HERE.

AND MY GOLD NUGGET,

AND MY GENUINE EAGLE CLAW

THAT YOU GAVE ME
TO PROTECT ME
FROM BAD MEDICINE.

WELL, YOU GOT ANYTHING
USEFUL LIKE A CLEAN SHIRT?

NO.

BUT THERE'S THIS
THAT'S MINE...

BECAUSE IT BELONGED
TO DADDY.

[thunder rumbling]

GUESS NOBODY WANTED MOMMA'S...

WEATHER'S CHANGING.

IT'S CLOUDING UP TO RAIN.

I TAKE THAT TO MEAN
GOD IS FEELING SORRY, TOO.

CRYING FOR CATHERINE
LIKE ME AND YOU WOULD,
IF IT WAS MANLY.

I AIN'T CRYING.

NOBODY SAID YOU WAS.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

GOING WHERE?

TO GET YOUR MARE BACK
BEFORE SHE DROPS
THAT FOAL SHE'S CARRYING.

GOT YOU A RIDING OUTFIT.
NOW SEE IF THIS FITS.

YOU HANDLE THAT TOOL
LIKE YOU DONE
BLACKSMITHING BEFORE.

AIN'T NOTHING MUCH
ABOUT HORSES
I CAN'T HANDLE.

SMITHING AND DOCTORING,
BREAKING FOR
SADDLE OR HARNESS.

THE THING I DO BEST IS TRADE.

DOWNRIGHT SHAME.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
A FRIEND OF MINE
PASS BY HERE, HAVE YOU?

ICHABOD THE TINKER?

YESTERDAY MORNING.

HEADING FOR
THE PLUMAS HORSE FAIR
OVER AT CASCADE.

YOU'RE THE SECOND
TO ASK THAT.

YEAH? WHO'S THE FIRST?

THE SAM IVORY.

(Banjo)
YOU GOTTA LEARN ALL THERE IS
TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR ANIMALS.

WHAT'S THAT?
TAKE SOLOMON AND SHEBA HERE.

THE FINEST SET
OF WHEEL TEAM.

WHY DO YOU GIVE
THEM ALL NAMES?

'CAUSE A NAME
HELPS YOU KEEP IN MIND

THAT HORSES GOT
JUST AS MUCH DIFFERENCE
IN TEMPERAMENT AS PEOPLE.

SOME OF THEM
SWEET AND KINDLY
LIKE OLD SOLOMON HERE.

AND THEN YOU GOT
SOME MEAN BUGGERS.

WHOA, THERE, CHOCTAW.

SETTLE HIM DOWN
AND I'M GONNA SELL HIM
TO CALVIN BOST.

HE'S THE MAYOR
OVER IN SONOMA.

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR A SHOWY ANIMAL
TO RIDE IN PARADES.

YUP, FROM NOW ON
YOUR LIFE'LL BE

TALL GRASS FROM ONE
FOURTH OF JULY TO THE OTHER.

WON'T IT, OLD BOY?

WHAT'S THIS ONE'S NAME?

THAT'S SHOESTRING.

HE'S SORTA GOTCH-EARED.

YEAH, FULL OF TICKS
WHEN I TOOK HIM IN,
IN A TRADE.

STILL A JIM-DANDY
POSSE HORSE.

WHAT'S A POSSE HORSE?

FOR CHASING OUTLAWS.

HE'LL RUN ALL DAY
AND ALL NIGHT AND FRY YOUR
BACON THE NEXT MORNING.

THIS IS LADY BUG.

ABOUT THE FINEST
LITTLE SADDLE MARE I
THINK I EVER SEEN.

CAN I RIDE HER TOMORROW?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

FETCH ME A HANDFUL
OF SALT, WILL YOU?

WELL, WHY CAN'T
I RIDE HER?

THESE AIN'T
PLEASURE PETS, BOY,
THEY'RE MERCHANDISE.

SAME AS A TIN OF PEACHES
ON A GROCER'S SHELF.

EXCEPTING THEY TAKE
A LOT MORE LOOKING AFTER.

NOW THAT'S
A KEEN OBSERVATION.

THE SALT!

UNCLE BANJO?

HUH?

THINK WE COULD GO AND LIVE
WITH THE CHEYENNE INDIANS

LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU
RAN AWAY FROM HOME?

WE WOULDN'T BE WELCOME
AT THEIR CAMPFIRES.

WHY NOT?

THEY SING A SONG THAT GOES:

"TAKE AWAY THE WHITE MAN

SEND BACK THE BUFFALO"

OH.

[animal howling]

WHERE WILL WE GO AND LIVE?

JUBAL?

HMM?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A WINTER,
NOT A HACKETT.

IT MIGHT BE THAT
YOUR DADDY'S FOLKS

MIGHT HAVE FIRST CLAIM
ON YOU AND WANT YOU
TO COME LIVE WITH THEM.

NO. MY DADDY
WAS AN ORPHAN, TOO.

OH.

SO I GUESS IT'S JUST
YOU AND ME.

ROLL OVER
AND GO TO SLEEP.

WE'RE LEAVING FOR WATERLOO
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

AND STOP SCRATCHING
THEM RAT BITES.

[horse neighs]

(Elmore)
STOP SHORT OF
THAT GUN, FRIEND.

THE BEST OF GOOD
EVENING'S TO YOU,
HORSE TRADER.

HOW ABOUT DOING
SOME BUSINESS?

THE STORE'S CLOSED.

YOU'LL OPEN UP FOR
A NEW CUSTOMER,
WON'T YOU?

(Elmore)
THE NAME'S ELMORE MINTO.

WITH A BROTHER CALLED LUKE?

YOU'VE BEEN READING
THE NEWSPAPERS,
HAVE YOU?

NOT OFTEN.

BUT I NEVER MISS
A POST OFFICE WALL.

WELL, BROTHER LUKE
RIGHT NOW'S THROWING
OUR SADDLES

ON THE 2 LIKELIEST
HORSES IN YOUR STRING.

BUT DON'T YOU WORRY,
'CAUSE WE INTEND
TO PAY.

THAT MONEY FRESH
FROM SOME BANK?

WELLS AND FARGO EXPRESS.

NOW YOU JUST TELL ME
HOW MUCH YOU WANT.

JUST SAY HOW MUCH
AND DON'T BE
ANY TOO BASHFUL NOW,

'CAUSE THERE'S PLENTY MORE
WHERE THIS COME FROM.

TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE
THE 2 HORSES YOU RODE IN ON

AND WE'LL CALL IT SQUARE.

WELL, NOW,
THEY'RE MOST PLAYED OUT.

WELL, NOT TO BRAG
BUT I CAN TAKE HORSES
THAT BEEN INDIAN-RODE

AND HAVE THEM BACK
IN SELLING CONDITION
IN NOTHING FLAT.

MISTER, YOU GOT A DEAL.

EXCEPT IF I WAS YOU,

I'D USE ME A RUNNING IRON
ON THEM BRANDS.

WELL, THAT'S
THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

NOBODY CAN SAY
US MINTO BROTHERS
GOT A MEAN BONE.

WE'RE JUST LAWLESS
COUNTRY BOYS.

FUN-LOVING
AND FULL OF GINGER.

[laughs]

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS WANTED
ME AN INDIAN PAINT PONY.

CAREFUL, ELMORE!

COME HERE, SUGAR.

HIS NAME IS CHOCTAW.

WATCH IT!
HE'S A MEAN BOOGER.

[horse neighing]

COME ON, LUKE.

YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.

[chickens clucking]

[dog barking]

[man laughs hysterically]

YOU'D THINK
THEY NEVER SEEN A MAN
STEP UP TO THE BAR

AND ORDER A SCHOONER
OF COW'S MILK.

COME ON, LET'S GET OUT
OF THE WAY.

WHAT'D THOSE MEN WANT?

TO GET MY GOAT,
BUT IT AIN'T TO BE GOT.

VIRGIL, THAT OLD STEER'S
DRINKING THE CALF'S MILK.

UNCLE BANJO, LOOK.

MOO!

MOO!

[chickens clucking]

HAPPEN TO KNOW
WHERE I MIGHT FIND
THE TINKER THIS MORNING?

SAME PLACE HE'S BEEN
SINCE WE FOUND HIM
LAST NIGHT.

ICE HOUSE.

YOU DON'T MEAN HE'S...

WAITING FOR THIS.

HOW'D IT HAPPEN?

MURDER.

DON'T THEY KNOW
WHO DONE IT?

THERE WAS A NOSY STRANGER
COME THROUGH TOWN,

BUT NOBODY'S
GOT ANY PROOF ON HIM.

UNCLE BANJO,
WHAT ABOUT DIDO?

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE TINKER'S HORSE,
THE MARE THAT'S IN FOAL?

DID THE KILLER STEAL HER?

NO, HE--HE LOST HER
IN A POKER GAME
BEFOREHAND.

WHO WAS THE WINNER?

WELL, NOW,

LET ME THINK. UH...

HEE-HAW!

UNCLE BANJO?
YOU DON'T PAY THEM NO MIND.

THERE'S THAT SORT
IN EVERY TOWN.

NOW WHAT WAS THAT
YOU WAS ASKING?

WHO WON THE TINKER'S MARE?

WHO GIVES A TINKER'S DAMN?

I THINK THEY WANT TO FIGHT.

DRINK YOUR MILK
AND PAY THEM
NO ATTENTION.

IT'S MERELY THE BRAYING
OF BALAAM'S ASS.

WHAT DID YOU CALL US?

UNCLE BANJO,
I THINK THEY'RE GONNA
MAKE YOU FIGHT.

[horse neighing]

IT USED TO BE

I HAD A SHORT FUSE
AND WAS EASILY PROVOKED.

BUT THAT WAS
BEFORE I LEARNED FORBEARANCE
IS THE MANLIEST VIRTUE.

I'M GONNA WRITE THAT DOWN.

'COURSE, NOBODY BUT A FOOL
WOULD MISTAKE THAT
FOR COWARDICE.

YOU CALLING ME
AND VIRGIL FOOLS?

WE THINK YOU'RE NOTHING BUT
A MULEY COW WEARING BOOTS.

WELL, PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.

THE BIBLE SAYS,
"HE THAT'S SLOW TO ANGER

IS BETTER THAN THE MIGHTY."

AND YOU GIVE BUTTER
THAT'S AS YELLOW
AS YOUR BELLY!

MOO!

WELL, AIN'T YOU
GONNA FIGHT THEM?

WHAT DO YOU
SAY TO THAT?

PROVERBS.

MOO!

CHAPTER 16.

VERSE 32.

NICE GOING, VIRGIL.

GET HIM, BANJO.

WHOO-WHEE!

NICE BOYS LIKE THAT,

THEY'RE SURE TO HAVE
LOTS OF FRIENDS.

WELL, NOW,

WHO WAS THE FELLOW
THAT WON THAT HORSE?

DR. SWAYNE.

JETHRO SWAYNE,
THE MEDICINE MAN.

THAT'S YOURS.
MUCH OBLIGED.

UNCLE BANJO?

WILL YOU TEACH ME
HOW TO FIGHT
BARE-KNUCKLE?

THAT AIN'T
THE KIND OF KNOWLEDGE
I'D BE PLEASED TO PASS ON.

WELL, WILL YOU TEACH ME
HOW TO DICKER?

AND HOW TO SHOE HORSES?

AND TO CURE HIDES
LIKE THE CHEYENNE INDIANS DO?

YEAH, MAYBE WHEN YOU
GET A LITTLE OLDER.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT NOW?

WILL YOU TEACH ME
HOW TO PLAY THE BANJO?

I DON'T FOOL AROUND
WITH THAT PLINKETY,
PLUNKING THING.

THE MUSIC I TUNE MY EARS TO
IS MOTHER NATURE'S OWN.

WHAT KIND IS THAT?

STOP YOUR TALKING
AND LISTEN, BOY.

'CAUSE YOU'RE RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE ORCHESTRY.

[birds chirping]

[chattering]

[birds singing]

[screeching]

CHAW, CHAW, HEEAH!

ARE WE GETTING
NEAR A TOWN?

YEAH, PRETTY CLOSE.

[guns firing in distance]

LOOK! THERE'S NO DRIVER.

[women screaming]

A PRUDENT MAN WOULD SAY
IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.

WHY, IT'S A RUNAWAY!

HOPE FOR A MIRACLE.

YOU'VE GOT TO
SAVE THE PEOPLE.

WHO SAID YOU WAS PRUDENT?
JUBAL, YOU STAY PUT!

SHOOT, WE NEVER HAVE NO LUCK
ROBBING THINGS WITH WHEELS.

COME ON, LET'S FIND US A BANK.

(Banjo)
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M GETTING
TOO OLD FOR THIS.

WHY, IT'S BANJO HACKETT
THAT SAVED US.

HOW CAN WE EVER THANK YOU?

WELL, FOR THE TIME BEING,
WE'LL HAVE TO SETTLE
FOR A HANDSHAKE.

IMAGINE! RAT BITES!

AND COLD OATMEAL
MUSH WITH LUMPS AND
NO SECOND HELPINGS.

WELL, MY, THAT'S A TALE
WORTHY OF MISTER DICKENS!

ROSE, FISH IN THAT BASKET
AND FIND ANOTHER DRUMSTICK

FOR THIS POOR LITTLE TYKE.

YOU SAID THAT WAS ROSE.

AND SHE'S RUFFLES,

AND THAT'S
EMERALD AND
YOU'RE LADY JANE GREY.

YES, WELL,
AFTER A WHILE,
THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE.

AH, HERE'S A NICE ONE.

BUT YOU BE SURE
AND SAVE ROOM FOR DESSERT.

IT'S LOVELY PRUNE WHIP.

ARE YOU A GENUINE LADY?

THE TITLE IS HONORARY.

[laughing]

HOW YOU ALL
DOING DOWN HERE?

EVERYTHING'S HUNKY-DORY.

HEY, UNCLE BANJO,
YOU WAS RIGHT.

RIGHT ABOUT WHAT, DEAR?

WELL, HE SAYS YOU'RE NO BETTER
THAN YOU OUGHT TO BE,

BUT THAT'S PLENTY
GOOD ENOUGH.

[laughing]

THE WHOLE WORLD
LOVES AN ORPHAN,

EVEN ONE THAT TENDS
TO BEAR DOWN ON THE FACT.

YOU'RE GONNA
REALLY LIKE MOLLIE.

SHE'S AS TRUE
AS WILLIAM TELL'S ARROW.

I DON'T FEEL VERY GOOD.

YEAH, YOU'LL FEEL A LOT BETTER
WITH A PLATE
OF HOT SUPPER IN YOU.

LOOK WHO'S JUST IN TIME
TO HELP WITH THE MILKING.

MOLLIE, MEET JUBAL.

JUBAL, IT'S MY PLEASURE.

AIN'T SHE A CRACKERJACK?

SHE DON'T ASK WOMAN QUESTIONS
LIKE WHAT, HOW COME, WHEN.

THAT'S A MIGHTY CLAMMY HAND.

[birds chirping]

PRUNE WHIP.

WHAT'D YOU SAY?
SPEAK UP.

HE SAID "PRUNE WHIP."

PRUNE WHIP?
WHERE'D YOU GET
ANY PRUNE WHIP?

LADY JANE GREY.

[cow mooing]

IS THAT WHAT
YOU BEEN TRYIN' TO TELL ME,

THAT YOU HAD
TOO MUCH PRUNE WHIP?

NOD, IF IT'S
TOO MUCH PRUNE WHIP.

(Banjo)
TOO MUCH PRUNE WHIP.

AHA, WHAT HE NEEDS
IS SOME JALAP AND ROOT POWDER.

BANJO, HE DOESN'T NEED
ONE OF YOUR INDIAN REMEDIES.

HE NEEDS YOU
TO HOLD HIS HEAD.

BOY LIKES YOU ALREADY.

(Mollie)
WHY NOT?

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
THE WARS TOGETHER.

[chuckling]

YOU KNOW, MOLLIE,
I'M UP A BOX CANYON.

IT'S NOT
THE FIRST TIME.

[laughs]

I'M SORRY.

YOU'VE SUDDENLY GOT
A CHILD ON YOUR HANDS

AND YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S NEXT.

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WHAT AM I
GONNA DO WITH HIM?

DO WHAT ANY FATHER WOULD.

MOLLIE, YOU KNOW ME.

I KNOW.
YOU'RE NOT PERFECT.

WHO IS?

MOLLIE, WHAT THE BOY NEEDS
IS A PROPER BRINGIN' UP.

(Banjo)
YOU KNOW, CLEAN LAUNDRY,
REGULAR HABITS--

THAT'S IMPORTANT,
BUT NOT MOST IMPORTANT.

SQUARE VALUES,
THAT'S WHAT HE NEEDS,
SQUARE VALUES.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE
TO SET HIM AN EXAMPLE.

IT'S A LITTLE LATE
FOR ME TO CHANGE.

OH. YOU MAY BE SURPRISED.

LOVE DOES WORK MIRACLES.

MOLLIE, I'D LIKE
TO DO RIGHT BY THE BOY,

BUT NOT AT THE PRICE
OF LOSING MY FREEDOM.

ENJOY YOURSELF.

OH, COME ON.
NOW, DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

LIKE WHAT?

YOU KNOW.

SWEET PLUMS IN YOUR MOUTH
AND CHOKEBERRIES
IN YOUR HEART.

LOOK, I KNOW I'M SELFISH.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.

[laughing]

HERE'S THIS FRIEND OF MINE,
OH-CUM-GACHE,

HE'S THE CHIEF SHAMAN
OF THE CHEYENNE INDIANS.

OH, NOT HIM AGAIN.

OH-CUM-GACHE TOLD ME, HE SAID,
"WHEN GREAT SPIRIT
PREPARES A FEAST,

"MAN SHOULD GORGE HIMSELF

ON ROAST BUFFALO."

[grunts]

I THINK GOD
HAS DIFFERENT IDEAS FOR YOU.

HMM. AND THE ENTRAILS
AND THE RIBS...

I THINK HE MEANS FOR JUBAL
TO TEACH YOU SQUARE VALUES.

CLEAN DOWN TO THE BONE.

AND REGULAR HABITS.

AND SUCKS OUT THE MARROW.

BANJO, STOP IT.

[sighs]

AND WHEN HE'S FINISHED,
HE LICKS HIS FINGERS CLEAN.

BANJO, WOULD YOU STOP IT?

I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO
ABOUT JUBAL'S FUTURE.

PUT IT OFF TILL MORNIN'.

[giggling]

(Jubal)
UNCLE BANJO?

UNCLE BANJO?

GO BACK TO SLEEP.

UNCLE BANJO?

HE'S THIRSTY OR SOMETHING.

WELL, GO FIND OUT.

YOU'RE THIRSTY
OR SOMETHING?

WHY DO PEOPLE CALL YOU BANJO,
IF YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO PLAY ONE?

WELL, IT'S SHORT
FOR BENJAMIN JOSEPH.

SHUT THOSE EYES.

I LOVE YOU.

I DO.

'COURSE YOU DO.

MEN DON'T SPEAK OUT
THEIR FEELINGS.

WHY?

WELL, IT JUST AIN'T SEEMLY.

LIKE OH-CUM-GACHE USED TO SAY,

"A CHILD IN THE TEEPEE
MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE."

(Sheriff)
COME ON THROUGH WITH HIM.
MAKE A RIGHT.

[hammering]

HOLD ON JUST A SECOND THERE.

COME ON, GEORGE,
GET HIM THROUGH HERE.

MOVE THAT WHEEL,
PLEASE, GENTLEMEN.

MOVE IT ON OUT.
COME ON, GEORGE. LET'S GO.

COME ON!

MIND THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

BANJO, IT'S GOOD
TO HAVE YOU BACK THIS YEAR.

WELL, THANK YOU,
SHERIFF.

I SEE YOU'RE STILL RIDING
THAT ROAN GELDING
THAT YOU CALL FRIDAY.

HUH, IT BEATS ME
THAT MEMORY OF YOURS.

I GOT A POSSE HORSE FOR YOU
YOU AIN'T GONNA
BE ABLE TO RESIST.

WHAT IS A POSSE HORSE, BANJO?

IT'S FOR CHASING OUTLAWS.

HE'LL RUN ALL DAY
AND ALL NIGHT

AND FRY YOUR BACON
NEXT MORNING.

HEY, WHAT'VE YOU
GOT HERE, BANJO?
PUP TO DO YOUR BARKIN'?

THAT WASN'T HIM.
I JUST THROWED MY VOICE.

WELL, YOU JUST
THROW YOURSELF OVER
TO YOUR REGULAR PLACE

AT LIJAH TUTTLE'S SADDLERY.
I'LL DROP AROUND LATER.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, SHERIFF.

HMM. A POSSE HORSE.

WELL, LOOK WHAT
THE CAT DRUG IN.

HI, LIJAH!

HEY, I HEARD WHAT HAPPENED
UP AT HAT CREEK.

HOW YOU WENT AND SOLD
THAT JUDGE
THAT OLD BLIND BILLIARD HORSE

AND THEN PULLED
A BONAPARTE'S RETREAT.

[laughing]

GOOD NEWS TRAVELS FAST,
DON'T IT?

NOW JUST TURN AROUND
AND SKEEDADDLE OUT OF HERE,
LITTLE BOY.

HE'S WITH ME.

JUBAL, MEET LIJAH TUTTLE.

(Banjo)
BUT DON'T EXPECT
A REAL GREETIN' BACK.

BANJO, YOU KNOW
HOW I AM ABOUT CHILDREN.

I AIN'T CHILDREN,
I'M A MIDGET.

SO YOU'RE A MIDGET, ARE YOU?

WELL, IN THAT CASE,
HERE, HAVE A CIGAR.

UH, WHY DON'T YOU TRY
SOME OF LIJAH'S VENISON JERKY?

WELL, DON'T BE BASHFUL.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
KEEP AN EYE ON THE STRING?

JUBAL'S MY NEPHEW.

I FIGURED AS MUCH.

SAY, UH,
TELL ME SOMETHING.

HOW COME SAM IVORY
WAS IN HERE LAST WEEK

INQUIRIN' WHERE HE COULD
LOCATE YOUR SISTER?

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN
A DR. JETHRO SWAYNE
IN TOWN?

NO. WHAT'S THE CONNECTION?

WHEN I FIND OUT
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

HEY, WOULD YOU KEEP THAT
SAFE FOR ME?

YOUR LAST WILL, I SUPPOSE.

AN AFFIDAVIT.

SIGNED AND SWORN TO
BY TIP CONACHER.

TIP CONACHER?

HEY, HE'S IN TOWN
FOR THE HORSE FAIR.

RODE IN ON THAT
FANCY RAILROAD CAR OF HIS.

HE'S DRAWIN' NOTHING
BUT CROWDS DOWN AT THE DEPOT.

YEAH, I IMAGINE
THAT HE WOULD BE.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

(Lijah)
HE ORDERED IT
MADE UP SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, YOU ASK HIM,
HE'LL TELL YOU

THAT HE'S A PLAIN MAN
WITH SIMPLE TASTES.

STILL, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM
I WOULDN'T WANT TO WISH

ON NOBODY THAT LOVES HORSES
THE WAY HE DOES.

SOMETHIN' HAPPEN?

BANJO, WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA START READIN' PAPERS?

LOOK AT THIS.

(Banjo)
WELL, I'LL BE DAGGONED.

FIRST, THAT SAMARKAND,
THAT GOOD STUD HORSE OF HIS,
BROKE HIS LEG,

THEN HIS STABLE
BURNED CLEAR DOWN.

SAYS HE LOST
MOST OF HIS BROODIN' MARES.

EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.

MILLIONAIRE OR NOT,
I SURE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE

IN CONACHER'S FANCY,
LONDON-MADE BOOTS.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE WOE ALWAYS
COMES IN THREES.

(Bigelow)
DANCE, LITTLE ANGEL, DANCE.

THERE YOU SEE
THE LIVING PROOF,
LADIES AND GENTS.

A PALE, A PEAKED,
A BEDRIDDEN CHILD
ONLY ONE SHORT MONTH AGO,

AND NOW LOOK AT HER.
DANCING...

SHERIFF,

I'M LOOKIN'
FOR A MEDICINE MAN
NAMED DR. SWAYNE.

DO YOU KNOW
WHERE HE'S SET UP?

HAVEN'T SEEN HIM. WHY?

I NEED A TONIC.

(Bigelow)
...THE MIRACLE PILLS
THAT EFFECTED HER CURE.

HERE IT IS,
COL. BIGELOW'S
SAMARITAN PILLS.

IT'S ALL YOURS
FOR THE PALTRY PRICE
OF $1.

(Banjo)
WE'LL FIND HER.

BUT, UNCLE BANJO,
WHAT IF THAT MAN'S
AFTER DIDO, TOO?

NOW, YOU LET ME
WORRY ABOUT THAT.

WELL, WHAT IF
WE DON'T FIND HER
BEFORE SHE HAS HER BABY

THAT YOU GAVE ME
TO GROW UP WITH?

WOMEN HAVE BABIES
AND MARES DROP FOALS.

LET ME HAVE THAT SOAP
BEFORE YOU USE IT UP.

IT'S SAPOLIO BRAND
WITH PUMICE.

[sighs]

BANJO.

(Banjo)
SAM.

(Ivory)
AIN'T THIS A SURPRISE?

HOW'S THE HORSE BUSINESS?

(Banjo)
TOLERABLE.

WHAT'RE YOU HUNTIN' FOR
THESE DAYS?

SAME AS ALWAYS, THE DOLLAR.

WISH YOU LUCK.

BE SEEIN' YOU AROUND.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE OPEN
FOR YOU.

HEY, ORPHAN,

CATCH!

[laughing]

HE SMELLS.

HE USES A TOUCH
TOO MUCH LILAC WATER.

BUT DON'T
LET THAT FOOL YOU.

[dog barking]

I'VE GOT YOU, SLICKER!
REACH!

EASY THERE NOW,
MY FRIEND.

THERE AIN'T NO BUSINESS
DISPUTE THAT TWO MEN
OF GOOD INTENTIONS...

I HAD YOU GOIN' THERE.

OCHINEE!

[both laughing]

BOY, IT DOES MY OLD EARS GOOD
TO BE CALLED OCHINEE.

IT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME
YOU AND I WERE HUNTIN' BUFFALO
DOWN THERE

FOR GREENVILLE T. DODGE
AND HIS RAILROAD CREW.

REMEMBER THAT?

WE HAD MORE TANG
THAN GOOSEBERRY COBBLER.

OH, BOY. COME ON,
COMPANERO.

THE NIMROD SALOON'S
GOT A TABLE OVER THERE
I AM GOING TO DRINK YOU UNDER.

NO WAY!

HOW'RE YOU STAYIN' OUT
OF JAIL THESE DAYS?

YOU STILL ROUND UP
THEM WILD BRONCS?

OH, AIN'T YOU HEARD?
CIVILIZATION IS
THE COMIN' THING.

I SETTLED DOWN AND BOUGHT ME
THE ACE HIGH LIVERY BARN.

(Banjo)
YOU DID?

(Spades)
YEAH.

THEN YOU MIGHT KNOW
IF DR. JETHRO T. SWAYNE'S
IN TOWN.

HE MIGHT BE...

WHAT'D YOU DO,
STEP IN A BEAR TRAP?

[Banjo whistles]

(Banjo)
JUBAL.

[sighs]

[sighs]

GUESS WHO?

BANJO.

FOOLED YOU.

BROUGHT YOU SOMEBODY
TO KEEP COMPANY WITH
FOR THE EVENIN'.

A MIDGET NAMED JUBAL.

[laughing]

WHO'D YOU GET
TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HORSES?

(Jubal)
OH, HE GAVE LIJAH,
THE SADDLEMAKER,

THE CHOICE
OF MINDIN' THEM OR ME.

OH, WELL, AT LEAST I GOT
THE BETTER END OF THAT DEAL.

JUBAL, DO ME A FAVOR.

WILL YOU GO BACK AND CHECK
AND SEE IF CLARA AND MILDRED
ARE ALL RIGHT?

THANK YOU, MOLLIE.
I GOT SOME STRAIGHTENIN' OUT
TO DO WITH OLD TIP CONACHER.

BANJO.
HUH?

HAVE YOU DECIDED WHETHER
YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP HIM

OR SHIP HIM BACK
TO THE ORPHANAGE?

I CAN'T DO NEITHER ONE.

THE LONGER YOU DON'T
MAKE UP YOUR MIND--

AH, SOMETHIN'LL COME TO ME.
SOMETHIN' WILL COME TO ME.

IT'S SO SIMPLE.

YOU--YOU EXPECT A...
AN EAGLE FEATHER
TO FALL FROM THE SKY.

MOLLIE, THAT'S WHAT
I LIKE ABOUT YOU,

YOU UNDERSTAND ME.

[giggling]

[cow mooing]

HAVE YOU HAD ANYTHING
TO EAT TODAY?

YEAH. A PIECE OF BEEF JERKY,
2 HARD-BOILED EGGS,

AND A HUNK OF RAT CHEESE
UNCLE BANJO GOT ME

FROM THE NIMROD SALOON'S
FREE LUNCH.

TRUST BANJO.

HOW'D YOU LIKE A SQUIRT
OF WARM FRESH MILK?

ANYTHING WOULD BE BETTER.

[laughing]

[cow mooing]

[dog barking]

AHH, HERE WE GO.

THANK YOU, KINDLY.

SHE'S FRENCH
AND DON'T SPEAK
EXCEPT HER NATIVE TONGUE.

[Conaker exhales]

(Conaker)
MOST KNOW I'M A PLAIN MAN
OF SIMPLE TASTE,

BUT I DO ENJOY
A GOOD SNIFTER...

AND A GOOD CIGAR
AND A GOOD HORSE.

AND A GOOD RIDE.

TO SAMARKAND.

I'M SURE SORRY
YOU LOST HIM, TIP.

AND ALL THOSE
BROODIN' MARES, TOO.

EXCEPTIN' THAT ONE OF YOURS
I HAD SAMARKAND
COVER AS A FAVOR,

FRIEND TO FRIEND.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS PAYMENT
FOR ME SAVIN' YOUR LIFE.

WELL, WHATEVER.

THE POINT IS,

THAT STALLION'S BLOOD
GOES CLEAR BACK
TO THE DARLEY ARABIAN.

WHAT'S ALL
THAT BREEDIN' COME TO?
ONE FOAL.

ONE TO CARRY ON
THE LINE.

AND I MEAN
TO HAVE IT.

IS THAT WHY YOU GOT SAM IVORY
ON THE MARE'S TRAIL?

STOMPIN' EVERYBODY
IN HIS WAY?

SAM TAKES CARE TO STAY
JUST INSIDE THE LAW.

I'M SORRY, TIP,
BUT I GAVE THAT MARE
TO MY NEPHEW,

AND I'M GONNA
GET HER BACK FOR HIM.

WELL, FINE, FINE.
HE CAN HAVE THE MARE,
JUST SO YOU SELL ME THE FOAL.

NAH, FROM THE BEGINNING,

I MEANT FOR HIM
TO HAVE THAT COLT
TO GROW UP WITH.

BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
HE'S AN ORPHAN.

THINK WHAT MY MONEY
CAN BRING HIM.

SCHOOLIN', POSITION,

THE START IN LIFE
YOU AND ME NEVER HAD.

THAT THERE'S
THE EAGLE FEATHER.

$10,000 IF YOU
BRING BACK THAT MARE.

WELL, SAM,

WAS I TALKING LOUD ENOUGH
OR DO I HAVE
TO REPEAT MYSELF?

OUR DEAL WAS FOR $5,000.

ONLY $5,000?

(Conaker)
WELL, YOU AIN'T NO ORPHAN.

NOW I SUGGEST
YOU BOTH GET ON
THAT MEDICINE MAN'S TRAIL,

'CAUSE THE FIRST ONE
WHO BRINGS ME THAT MARE--

NOW HOLD ON, CONACHER.

...COLLECTS THE JACKPOT!

YOU AIN'T
CUTTING ANYBODY ELSE
IN ON MY DEAL.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH A LITTLE
HEALTHY COMPETITION?

IT'S WHAT MAKES
AMERICA PROSPER.

MONEY CALLS THE TUNE, HUH?

[exhales]

'COURSE, THERE'S NO LAW
THAT SAYS THE COMPETITION
HAS TO STAY HEALTHY.

JUST ONE THING.

I WANT THAT MARE
BEFORE SHE FOALS,

OTHERWISE,
THERE AIN'T NO DEAL.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

HE'S AFRAID SOMEBODY
MIGHT TRY KEEPING
THE REAL COLT

AND FOBBIN' OFF A RINGER.

A SHREWD TRADER MIGHT.

WELL, GENTLEMEN.

HOO, YOU REALLY
CUT THE WOLF LOOSE.

[laughing]

DIDO ISN'T ANYWHERE
IN TOWN.

COME ON,
WHY NOT TRY YOUR LUCK
WITH THE RIFLES?

AND THEN LATER WE'LL CHECK
ABOUT DR. SWAYNE,
THIS MEDICINE MAN.

[gun firing]

[gun cocking]

[gunshot]

IT'S IN THE HEART
THAT COUNTS.

[gun cocking]

[gunshot]

SEEN YOUR MARE AROUND,

[gunshot]

POOR LITTLE
ORPHAN BOY?

AND WHAT'S IT TO YOU,
MISTER?

[gunshots]

I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

IF I HAD,
I WOULDN'T TELL YOU.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO FRIGHTEN US?

TAKE THIS FOR GOSPEL, KID,
I MEAN TO HAVE THAT COLT.

[gunshot]

COME ON, JUBAL.

NOW WOMEN AND CHILDREN
HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR
FROM SAMUEL IVORY.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
I HAVE NO SUCH COMPASSION

FOR COYOTES, CONVICTS,
AND HORSE TRADERS.

[gun firing]

[crowd cheering]

ELMORE, I AIN'T SURE
THIS IS THE SMARTEST THING
WE EVER DONE.

OH, WITH ALL THAT'S GOIN' ON
NOBODY'S GONNA NOTICE
A LITTLE MORE

WHEN WE ROB
THE MERCHANTS BANK.

[horses neighing]

IF I'D HAD ANY SENSE,
I'D HAVE GONE
PLEASURE FISHING

UNTIL AFTER
THIS FOOLISHNESS WAS OVER.

WHAT'D YOU FIND OUT?

NOTHING,
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

NONE OF THEM MEDICINE MEN
EVER HEARD
OF A DR. JETHRO SWAYNE.

NOW, DON'T THAT STRIKE YOU
AS KIND OF PECULIAR?

HACKETT,
YOU'RE IN THE NEXT HEAT.

NOW WHEEL 'EM UP
TO THE LINE.

HEY, WILEY, ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WANT
TO BUY THIS TEAM RIGHT NOW?

'CAUSE AFTER THEY WIN
THE PRICE GOES UP.

IT'LL COME DOWN AGAIN
JUST LIKE
THE OLD MAID'S HOPES.

NUMBER 10.
WHO'S NEXT? NUMBER 10.

THESE BELGIANS
DO START KIND OF SLOW
BUT FINISH FAST,

SO I RECKON A DOLLAR
BET ON THEM WILL COME BACK
LIKE BREAD ON THE WATER.

I BELIEVE I'LL
JUST GET A BET.

(Banjo)
COME ON, SOLOMON!

HA! HOA!

WHAT'S THE ODDS,
RUDOLPH?

EVEN.

NUMBER 9 FOR $1.

(Rudolph)
YOU'VE GOT IT.

THERE'S OCHINEE.
HOWDY, OCHINEE.

OH, JUBAL.

(Jubal)
OCHINEE MEANS "ONE EYE"
IN THE CHEYENNE TONGUE.

ME AND UNCLE BANJO
ARE THE ONLY ONES
IN THE WHOLE WORLD

THAT CALL HIM THAT
INSTEAD OF JACK O'SPADES.

OCHINEE'S AN IMPROVEMENT.

THE NAME HE WAS BORN WITH
IS ALBERT T. MUSGROVE.

[laughing]

YOU ARE BANJO'S NEPHEW.

HOWDY, SHERIFF TADLOCK.

HOWDY, JUBAL.

HOWDY, SHERIFF.

THERE'S THE MINTO BROTHERS.
HOWDY, LUKE. HOWDY, ELMORE.

HOWDY, LUKE.
HOWDY, ELMORE.

ALL RIGHT,
HOIST THEM PAWS, ELMORE.

I'M LUKE, HE'S ELMORE.

WELL, THESE BARRELS
ARE LAW AND ORDER,

AND THEY'RE PUTTING YOU
UNDER ARREST
FOR STAGECOACH ROBBERY

AND ANY OTHER FELONIES
THAT MAY COME TO LIGHT.

[gun firing]

[cheering]

[horses neighing]

COME ON, HOA!
UP THERE.

HIYA!

GO, BANJO!

HIYA!

[crowd cheering]

COME ON, BANJO!

GIDDY-UP, BANJO!

(man)
COME ON, BANJO!

GO! GO!

[yelling]

HIYA!

[crowd cheering]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU'RE LOOKIN'

AT THE FINEST
CHAMPION BELGIAN TEAM
ON THE MARKET TODAY.

AND I WILL NOT LET
THESE SPECIAL ANIMALS GO

FOR ONE PENNY LESS
THAN $300, AMERICAN CASH!

[crowd cheering]

HOW'S THIS
FOR A DANDY SPREAD?

OWNIN' THIS RESTAURANT
SURE BEATS

WORKING ON
THE CENTRAL PACIFIC, DON'T IT?

WHAT'S IN THIS STUFF?

THAT'S THE ONE QUESTION
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK.

JUST PITCH IN.

AND IF YOU CAN SWING
A HEALTHY BELCH AFTERWARDS,

YOU'LL SEE
A MIGHTY HAPPY COOK
BACK IN THE KITCHEN.

PASS ME THE BUG JUICE.

[dog barking]

THERE HE IS AGAIN.

I'D FIGURED HIM
FOR A PICKY EATER.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT HIM.
HE SCARES JUBAL.

NO, HE DON'T.

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS
WHY DOES HE KEEP
BIRD-DOGGING US

INSTEAD OF LOOKING
FOR DIDO HIMSELF?

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
YOU KNOW YOUR MARE BY SIGHT
AND HE DON'T.

WHICH PUTS AN IDEA
IN MY HEAD.

MOLLIE'S READY.
GET OUT THERE
AND DO YOUR STUFF.

(Jubal)
UNCLE BANJO!
UNCLE BANJO!

UNCLE BANJO!

UNCLE BANJO!

WHAT'S YOUR HURRY, MISTER?

I'VE GOT TO TELL
UNCLE BANJO.

DON'T YOU KNOW BETTER
THAN TO INTERRUPT HIM

WHEN HE'S TRYING
TO CLINCH A SALE?

(Jubal)
BUT I SAW DIDO'S LAMENT.
I KNOW IT WAS MY HORSE.

I SAW THIS FELLA SNEAKIN' HIM
INTO THE ACE HIGH LIVERY BARN.

WHERE'D YOU SAY?

(Jubal)
THE ACE HIGH LIVERY BARN.

SHHH.

[laughing]

(Jubal)
UNCLE BANJO!

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

I GOT ME A LADY HERE
WHO'S NOT GOING TO BE
IN A FAMILY WAY MUCH LONGER.

YEAH, I WANT HER.
HOW MUCH?

NOT NOW.
NOT NOW, MISTER.

COME ON, $100.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.
YOU COME BACK
AFTER THE FOAL GETS HERE,

AND I'LL BE ABLE
TO DICKER WITH YOU.

YOU TAKE IT
OR YOU LEAVE IT.

ALL RIGHT, MISTER.
ANYTHING YOU SAY SHE'S WORTH.

YOUR LIFE.

WILL YOU QUIT STALLING
AND SHOW ME
THIS GREAT POSSE HORSE?

JUST WHETTIN'
YOUR APPETITE.

I KNOW. FOR THAT BACON
HE'S SUPPOSED TO FRY ME.

I--I BEEN TRYING
TO TRAIN HIM
TO BREW YOUR COFFEE, TOO,

BUT HE AIN'T
MASTERED THAT YET.

HELP, HORSE THIEF!
SOMEBODY HELP!

[gun firing]

[horse neighing]

ALL RIGHT,
HANDS UP!

IT'S A TRICK!

YOU SNOOKERED ME.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I WOULDN'T SELL HIM
THAT HORSE, SHERIFF.
HE STOLE IT FROM ME,

AND YOU CAUGHT HIM
RED-HANDED.

HACKETT!

ALL RIGHT, THAT AIN'T
HELPING YOUR CASE ANY.
LET'S GO.

[laughing]

MR. CONACHER--

ALL'S FAIR, IVORY.

[laughing]

THAT'S THE FIRST RULE
OF THE GAME!

IT WORKED LIKE
AN OLD OWL-CLAW CHARM,
DIDN'T IT?

THANKS TO TEAMWORK.

YOU KNOW TRULY,
A MAN'S GREATEST RICHES
ARE HIS FRIENDS.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA NEED
ALL YOU GOT
WHEN SAM IVORY

GETS OUT OF JAIL
A-SNORTIN' FIRE.

SHOOT, BY THAT TIME
WE'LL HAVE DIDO'S LAMENT
AND BE LONG GONE.

WELL, YOU SURE GOT IN
THE FIRST LICK!

WHAT'S YOUR NEXT MOVE?

WELL, THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW.

COME ON, LIJAH,
LET'S TAKE A WALK.

HE'S IN A BIT
OF A HUMOR.

(Lijah)
WHAT'S SO PECULIAR
ABOUT THEM OTHER MEDICINE MEN

NEVER HEARING
OF YOUR JETHRO SWAYNE?

ME, I KNOW EVERY HORSE TRADER
FROM TURKEY HILL
TO SILVERADO.

COULD BE THEY WERE LYING
TO PROTECT ONE OF THEIR OWN.

MEDICINE MEN
AIN'T THAT TIGHT.

NO MORE THAN LIKELY
HE'S ONE OF THEM QUACKS

THAT CHANGES HIS NAME
AS OFTEN AS HIS SOCKS.

AND IF THAT'S THE CASE--

IF THAT'S THE CASE,
HE COULD BE HERE
IN TOWN RIGHT NOW.

COME TO THINK,
I ONCE BOUGHT A NOSTRUM

CALLED SWAYNE'S
STOMACH BITTERS
AND DROPSY CURE.

BANJO, YOU AIN'T
NEVER GONNA LEARN

TO STOP THROWIN'
YOUR MONEY AWAY.

IT WAS YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

[dog barking]

[people chattering]

PROFESSOR?

YOU'RE IN THE WRONG TENT.

I AM NOT PROFESSOR KILMER
THE ELECTRICAL BELT CHARLATAN.

I HAPPEN TO BE
COLONEL NOAH, UH--

BIGELOW.

YES, YES,
YOUR SUDDEN APPEARANCE
THREW ME INTO CONFUSION.

DR. MUNYON'S VERMIFUGE.

THE PRODUCT
OF AN EX-COLLEAGUE.

DON'T BEING COLLEAGUES
MAKE YOU A DOCTOR?

SEE, I WAS LOOKIN' FOR ONE
TO GIVE ME A PRESCRIPTION
FOR TONIC.

I GOT A QUEASY STOMACH.

SIR, ALL MODESTY ASIDE,

I DO HAPPEN TO BE
A PRACTITIONER
OF THE HEALING ARTS.

A--A HUMBLE DISCIPLE
OF AESCULAPIUS, AS IT WERE.

AND PERCHANCE, SIR,
I HAPPEN TO HAVE

JUST ONE TRIAL BOTTLE
OF, UH, SACHEM'S
ANODYNE SYRUP,

WHICH FOR
THE MODEST PRICE OF--

NO, NO.
THAT'S TOO SWEET.

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
LIKE, UH, STOMACH BITTERS.

SORRY, NOT IN MY LINE.

HOW ABOUT A DROPSY CURE?

[glass shattering]

BUTTERFINGERS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

A FELLOW WHO LOOKED
JUST LIKE YOU
SOLD ME OSGOOD'S EXPECTORANT.

OR WAS IT DR. SWAYNE'S
STOMACH BITTERS?

YOU GET OUT OF HERE.

EXCEPT, HE WASN'T
SPORTIN' A BEARD.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

DR. JETHRO SWAYNE.

D-DR. JETH--
OH, MY HEART, MY HEART.

MY HEART!

OH, MY PILLS, MY PILLS.
PLEASE, PLEASE. MY PILLS.

[guns fires]

HELP, HELP, PLEASE!

NOW I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE DONE
WITH THAT LIGHT BAY MARE

YOU WON OFF THE TINKER.

NOTHING, NOTHING.
I PROMISE YOU, NOTHING!

PLEASE, PLEASE,
DON'T HURT ME.

I WANNA KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH HER.

NOTHING, I...
I SOLD THE HORSE.

COULD I HELP IT
IF THAT FOOL WOMAN
OFFERED ME A TIDY PROFIT?

WHAT FOOL WOMAN?

[gasping]

FLORA F-FOLSOM.

THANK YOU.

IT'S DIDO.
WE'VE FOUND HER.

GETTING' HER BACK'S
GONNA BE THE PROBLEM,

BECAUSE DEALIN'
WITH A WIDOW LADY
CALLS FOR NIMBLENESS.

LUCKILY,
THAT'S MY SPECIALTY.

RUN ALONG, NOW, MY PRETTY.
OFF TO THE BARN WITH YOU.

BEG YOUR PARDON, MA'AM,

WOULD YOU BE
THE MISTRESS OF THE HOUSE?

PUT IT ANOTHER WAY,

DO I HAVE THE HONOR
OF SPEAKIN'
TO MISS FLORA FOLSOM DOBBS?

MISSIS.

I AM MISSIS
TO THE LATE
ABNER MERIVALE DOBBS.

WELL, THAT'S A PITY.

NO. WE MUST BE PHILOSOPHICAL.

I GAVE ABNER THE HAPPIEST
4 AND A HALF MONTHS
OF HIS LIFE,

AND ABNER GAVE ME...

BUT WHAT ARE
WORLDLY GOODS?

NOTHIN', COMPARED TO
A GLAD HEART
AND THE SMILE OF A CHILD.

(Flora)
AH, YES. A GLAD HEART.

THOUGH I MUST
CONFESS MINE,

IN WIDOWHOOD,
OFTEN NEEDS CHEERING.

THAT'S ONLY HUMAN.

PRAY, WHAT BRINGS
YOU CALLING?

LOVE

FOR THE BOY.

(Banjo)
AND YOU HAVE IT IN YOUR POWER
TO MEND HIS BROKEN DREAMS.

(Flora)
OH, MERCY.

WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS
OUT OF THE SUN?

AND YOU SAY
THE CHILD'S PET
WAS SOLD AT AUCTION?

I WOULD HAVE RODE HER AWAY
TO THE HILLS FIRST,

ONLY THEY CLAPPED ME
IN THE ORPHANAGE.

AND HUNTIN' FOR HER
HAS LED US
TO YOUR DOORSTEP.

OH.

TRUE OR NOT,

THAT STORY PLUCKS
THE VERY HEARTSTRINGS.

IT WOULD PLAY
TO PACKED HOUSES
IN ANY THEATER IN THE COUNTRY.

YOU'LL DO BUSINESS?

OH, ALAS, NO.

THAT SPLENDIFEROUS ANIMAL
PLAYS A VERY IMPORTANT ROLE
IN MY FUTURE PLANS.

(Banjo)
JUBAL,

GOD DON'T ALWAYS PROVIDE
A HAPPY ENDIN'.

NOW YOU BLOW YOUR NOSE
AND DON'T CRY.

[crying]

NOW I'LL NEVER
SEE DIDO AGAIN.

NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW.
NONE OF THAT. NONE OF THAT.

NOW, COME ON.

NOW YOU BUCK UP.
TAKE IT LIKE A LITTLE SOLDIER.

LITTLE BOY,
WHY DON'T YOU RUN DOWN
TO THE COOK

AND ASK HIM FOR SOME
OF MY DIVINITY FUDGE?

BUT, UNCLE BANJO,
YOU PROMISED!

AND CHEW IT SLOWLY!

[whispering]
WHEN THEY SAY NO

IS WHEN THE REAL
TRADER BEGINS.

YOU SAID YOU GOT
FUTURE PLANS
FOR THE BOY'S MARE?

I DID? OH, YES.

SHE'S PART OF
MY TRIUMPHANT RETURN
TO THE THEATER.

I SHALL PLAY
MAZEPPA IN PINK TIGHTS,

RIDING A LIVE HORSE.

[laughing]

WHAT A CRACKERJACK
OF AN IDEA.

TURNIN' IT
INTO A COMEDY.

MAZEPPA IS HIGH DRAMA.

WELL, NOT ASTRIDE
A BROWN MARE.

WHAT MAZEPPA RIDES
IS A FIERY BLACK STALLION,
NOTHIN' LESS.

STALLIONS ARE FRACTIOUS.

NOT EASILY KEPT IN HAND.

WELL, SUPPOSIN' I COULD
FIND YOU ONE THAT'S FIERY
AND GENTLE BOTH.

AND DARK
AS THE DEVIL'S STOVEPIPE.

WOULD YOU
TRADE ME THE MARE?

WELL, SHE'S HAVING
THAT NUISANCE OF A BABY.

I'D BE GIVING YOU 2 FOR 1,
WOULDN'T I?

OF COURSE.

$50 A BOOT
AND AN EXTRA BONUS,

I'LL TRAIN THE STALLION
FOR THE JOB.

I THINK I'LL SLEEP ON IT.

"BETTER STRIKE WHILE
THE IRON'S HOT."
THAT'S WHAT THE POET SAYS.

PERHAPS, I COULD FORGET
ABOUT THE DRAMA

AND GO BACK TO SINGING
ON MY BLUE VELVET TRAPEZE.

ZWEIG'S OPERA HOUSE UP
IN TILLAMOOK, OREGON?

OH, WHAT A MEMORY YOU HAVE.

ONCE SEEN,
NEVER FORGOTTEN.

[laughs]

♪ MY SWEETHEART'S
THE MAN IN THE MOON ♪

♪ I AM GOING
TO MARRY HIM SOON ♪

♪ IT WOULD GIVE ME
SUCH BLISS ♪

♪ JUST TO GIVE HIM
ONE KISS ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW
THAT A DOZEN ♪

♪ I NEVER WOULD MISS ♪

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
THE STALLION
FOR JUBAL'S MARE?

YOU HAVE HONEST EYES.

AS THE DAY IS LONG.

BUT YOU DRIVE
SUCH A HARD BARGAIN.

PROFESSIONAL PRIDE.

I BELIEVE WE CAN DO BUSINESS,

BUT NOT WITH
YOUR HAT ON.

FETCH ME THE BOOTBLACK,
IN THE TRUNK OVER THERE.

THEN GET ME A NOSEBAG
FULL OF OATS,

AND WE'LL PUT A DOLLOP
OF BAR WHISKEY IN IT.

THAT'LL PUT FIRE
IN HIS EYES.

WHAT IF IT COMES OFF?

(Banjo)
IT WON'T.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

SPIFFY'S RAIN RESISTANT
BOOTBLACK.

COST A FEW PENNIES MORE,
BUT IT'S THE BEST
ON THE MARKET.

IT'LL COME OFF SOMETIME.

YOU ARE QUIBBLESOME TONIGHT.

HE'S A BRUTE.
HE'S MAGNIFICENT!

PRANCE, BLACK BEAUTY, PRANCE!

NOW THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL
PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP.

WELL, UNDERNEATH,
HE AIN'T PITCH BLACK.

NONE OF GOD'S CREATURES IS.

SHE REMEMBERS ME, SEE?

OH, I BET YOU THOUGHT
WE'D NEVER FIND YOU,
BUT WE DID.

WELL, SHE WON'T BE LONG.

UNCLE BANJO.

(Banjo)
WELL, SHE'S ALMOST READY NOW.

WE BETTER GET HER BACK
TO THE ACE HIGH
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

UNCLE BANJO!

BANJO?

YEAH, WILL.

I'VE GOT
A WARRANT HERE.

GUESS WHOSE NAME'S ON IT?

AND ANOTHER ONE
FOR THE BOY.

(Banjo)
THIS IS ONE OF THE FINER
JAILS, AS FAR AS JAILS GO.

SOMEBODY CARED ENOUGH
ABOUT ITS SMELL
TO SCRUB IT DOWN

WITH PINELYPTUS
SANITARY COMPOUND.

ONE OF 'EM, ELKO,
WAS TOPS THOUGH
FOR COMFORT AND HOT FOOD.

YOU NEVER SET YOUR TOOTH
IN KIDNEY PIE
LIKE THE ONE THEY BRING OVER

FROM THE NEW BOSTON CAFE.

IT'S ON THE CORNER
OF THIRD STREET
AND LANDERS AVENUE.

HEY, HORSE TRADER!

DON'T YOUR WORD-BOX
NEVER GET EMPTY?

THERE'S LOW TYPES
IN EVERY JAIL.

YOU KNOW,
I'M AWFUL HUNGRY.

(Banjo)
HOW CAN YOU STILL
BE HUNGRY

AFTER ALL THOSE HOT TAMALES
YOU HAD FOR BREAKFAST?

HEY, LAWMAN, YOU KNOW
I'M HERE ON A FRAME-UP.

WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA TURN ME LOOSE?

THAT'S UP TO
A JUDGE AND JURY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, BANJO,
JUBAL, TOO.

WHAT DID TIP CONACHER SAY
WHEN YOU GAVE HIM MY MESSAGE?

LET JUSTICE BE DONE.

(Banjo)
YOU KNOW, WILL,
JUST A THOUGHT,

BUT THE SHERIFF
OVER IN WATERLOO
MIGHT LIKE TO ASK

OLD IVORY SOME QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE MURDER
OF ICHABOD THE TINKER.

[dog barking]

(Sheriff)
READY WHEN YOU ARE, JUDGE.

WELL, NOW, HACKETT,
IT SEEMS YOU'VE GOT SOMETHIN'
TO ANSWER FOR.

IS THAT ALL THIS IS?

JUDGE, LOOK IN STALL NUMBER 7
OVER AT THE ACE HIGH LIVERY

FOR THAT SPECIAL
LITTLE ITEM OF YOURS.

NO, THAT'S NOT ALL THIS IS.

THE COMPLAINT ON HAND
CHARGES YOU
WITH CHILD STEALIN'.

WITH WHAT?

THE COURT'S ALREADY HEARD

SOME EYEBROW-RAISING
TESTIMONY.

AH, JUDGE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
GIVE JUBAL BACK
TO THAT SCARECROW, ARE YOU?

I HAVE THE LAW
ON MY SIDE!

WHY DON'T YOU 2 BOYS
ARGUE IT OUT?

I'LL BE LISTENING.

WHILE YOU RECKON, JUDGE,
I'VE GOT SOME THINGS TO DO.
I'LL BE BACK LATER.

THERE HE GOES.

I SEE THE SHERIFF HEADED
FOR THE TELEGRAPH OFFICE.

HEY, UH, MR. IVORY.

YOU REALLY KILL
SOME TINKER?

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, BOY.

LUKE FORGETS HIS ETIQUETTE
'CAUSE HE NEVER HAD NONE.

I WAS JUST THINKIN'
HOW FUN IT'D BE

IF US 3 WENT DOWN
TO FOLSOM PRISON TOGETHER.

WRONG!

US 3 ARE GOING
TO BUST OUT OF HERE...

TONIGHT.

I WOULD RESPECTFULLY
REMIND YOUR HONOR

THAT THE COURT
HAS ALREADY DECLARED THE BOY
AN ORPHAN

AND PLACED HIM
IN MY CUSTODY

IN LOCO PARENTIS.

9 IN THE SIDE POCKET.

(Banjo)
THAT'S JUST A MOUTHFUL
OF JIMSONWEED.

NATURE'S FIRST LAW
IS BLOOD BELONGS WITH BLOOD.

AND JUBAL'S MINE.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

HE'S MINE AND YOU STOLE HIM.
IT'S THAT CRIMINAL.

HOMER, I THOUGHT
A 5:00 GAME MEANT 5:00.

JUDGE...

YOUR HONOR!

BE RIGHT WITH YOU, TIP,
AS SOON AS I DISPENSE JUSTICE.

YOUR HONOR,
YOU'RE A KINDLY MAN
WITH AN UPSTANDIN' CHARACTER.

NOW, WHICH WOULD
YOU RATHER SEE
IN A GYPSY'S CRYSTAL BALL?

THIS BOY GROWIN' UP
TO MEASLY MANHOOD
IN THAT PESTHOLE ORPHANAGE?

(Mister Creed)
WHAT?

A LIE! A FOUL CANARD!

OR WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE HIM IN GOOD CLOTHES,
IN A GOOD SCHOOL,

WITH SONS
OF THE FINEST FAMILIES?

(Mister Creed)
HOW?

YOU ARE NOTHING BUT
AN ITINERANT HORSE TRADER

OF LESS THAN
SAVORY REPUTATION.

WELL, IT'S POSSIBLE.

THE DREAM
OF EVERY AMERICAN BOY
CAN COME TRUE,

(Banjo)
THANKS TO THAT MAN
STANDIN' THERE

IN HIS LONDON-MADE BOOTS,

TIP CONACHER.

YOU DIDN'T FIND THE HORSE.

INDEED I DID
AND SHE'S SAFE AND SOUND.

WOULD YOU TELL THE JUDGE
WHAT YOU PROMISED TO PAY
FOR THAT LITTLE COLT?

$10,000.

NO! YOU CAN'T!

YOU GAVE DIDO'S COLT TO ME.
IT'S MINE TO GROW UP WITH.

HE WOULDN'T DARE USE
THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME.

JUBAL, HORSES ARE MERCHANDISE,
JUST LIKE--

WELL, MY COLT AIN'T
TINNED PEACHES!

PLEASE, YOU PROMISED!

SIT DOWN, SON,
I KNOW I PROMISED,

BUT YOUR FUTURE'S
MORE IMPORTANT
THAN A PROMISE.

AND THE PRICE TAG ON IT
IS THAT COLT.

SHAME ON THE LOT OF YOU.
AND YOU MOST OF ALL,
BANJO HACKETT!

THERE'S OTHER COLTS.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS,
YOU'RE BETRAYING HIS TRUST.

MOLLIE, SELLIN' THAT COLT
CAN BUY HIM ADVANTAGES.

ADVANTAGES?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, BANJO,
DON'T MAKE HIM JOIN THAT ARMY.

WHAT HE NEEDS TO LEARN NOW
ARE THE REAL VALUES IN LIFE,

LIKE HONESTY
AND KINDNESS AND JUSTICE.

[knocking]

(Conaker)
YOU GOT A RUNAWAY BUGGY,
HOMER.

TIME TO GET THE REINS
BACK IN HAND.

OH, YES.

THE ISSUE AT HAND
IS WHAT'S BEST FOR THE BOY.

GROWIN' UP IN AN ORPHANAGE,

OR ROAMIN' OVER CREATION
WITH HACKETT,

OR ATTENDING SOME FANCY
BOARDING SCHOOL.

IT'S THE DECISION
OF THIS COURT...

NUMBER 3.
EVERY BOY'S DREAM COME TRUE:

BOARDING SCHOOL!

[laughing]

WORTHY OF SOLOMON.

THEREFORE, HACKETT,
THE CHARGES AGAINST YOU
ARE DISMISSED,

ON YOUR PROMISE
TO CONDUCT YOUR HORSE TRADIN'

IN A REASONABLE MANNER,
AND I THINK
YOU'RE SHREWD ENOUGH

TO KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY THAT.

ANYTHING YOU SAY, JUDGE.

THIS IS A MOCKERY!

AS FOR YOU,
YOUR PETITION FOR CUSTODY
OF JUBAL WINTER IS DENIED.

AND YOU ARE FINED, UH, $75,
COURT COSTS.

THAT'S THE RIGHT FIGURE.

YOU, SIR,
HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST
OF SILAS CREED.

THIS COURT'S ADJOURNED.

NOW, HACKETT, YOU GO
AND GET ME MY BLIND HORSE.

COME ON.

I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE
WITH YOU.

JUBAL, THE WORLD
DON'T ALWAYS MARCH
TO YOUR TUNE.

JUBAL, COME ON HOME WITH ME.
AND YOU COME, TOO,

AFTER YOU'VE DONE
SOME THINKING.

JUST LET ME KNOW
WHEN AND WHERE THE MARE'S DUE.

I'LL HAVE A BANK DRAFT
IN MY POCKET.

HOMER?

MISTER,
WHEN I GROW UP,
I'M GONNA ROB YOUR TRAINS.

HOMER, CALL.

(Elmore)
I CAN'T STAND
MY SINNIN' NO MORE!

(Luke)
NO! NO, ELMORE!
DON'T DO IT!

(Ivory)
DEPUTY! DEPUTY!
COME QUICK.

(Elmore)
OH, HEAR ME, SWEET JESUS.

THE BLACK SHEEP
IS COMING HOME
TO THE FOLD.

(Luke)
HURRY UP, DEPUTY!

CUT HIM DOWN,
CUT HIM DOWN!

[grunts]

[crickets chirping]

IT'LL BE BEFORE MORNING.

(Lijah)
WHAT ABOUT TIP CONACHER?

[horse neighing]

WILL YOU FETCH HIM
OUT HERE FOR ME?

YOU'RE BOUND AND DETERMINED
TO SELL HIM THAT COLT,
AIN'T YA?

IT'S FOR THE GOOD
OF THE BOY.

YEAH, YOU JUST
KEEP SAYING IT
AND MAYBE IT'LL BE TRUE.

IS THAT HOW
YOUR THINKIN' GOES?

I DESPAIR
FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.

TELL MOLLIE
TO SEND JUBAL OUT HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU
TELL HER YOURSELF?

HAVE YOU SAID
YOUR PRAYERS?

YOU SOUND
LIKE MISTER CREED.

HEY, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO RATTLE BEFORE YOU BITE?

YOU'RE GONNA GO
TO SLEEP LIKE THAT?

MAYBE YOU WERE THINKING
THAT YOU'D GO OUT
AND HELP YOUR UNCLE BANJO?

NO!

HONEY, LISTEN,

YOUR UNCLE'S GOT HIS FAULTS,
LORD KNOWS,

BUT YOU HAVE TO LEARN
TO BALANCE THEM OFF
AGAINST HIS GOOD POINTS.

HE'S HONEST,
IN HIS OWN WAY.

HE'S NOT AFRAID TO STAND UP
FOR WHAT HE THINKS IS RIGHT,

AND HE KNOWS HOW TO ENJOY
THE SIMPLE PLEASURES
OF JUST BEING ALIVE.

WELL, HE'S NOTHIN' BUT
A 2-BIT, SLICKERIN'
BACHELOR HORSE TRADER.

WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU BACHELOR.

IF YOU THINK HE'S SO PERFECT,
WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HIM?

BECAUSE--

HOW'S DIDO
GETTING ALONG?

WON'T BE LONG.
THE BOY?

I'D LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

MOLLIE, I WANT HIM TO BE THERE
WHEN THE COLT'S BORN.

(Mollie)
HE'LL BE THERE
IF HE WANTS TO BE THERE.

HE'S COMIN' NOW.

COME WITH ME.

(Jubal)
OH, GO AHEAD.
SLING ME AROUND.

I WON'T BE NOTHIN'
BUT DEAD WEIGHT,
'CAUSE I DON'T CARE!

BAKE A CAKE,

OR OTHERWISE
KEEP YOURSELF BUSY.

BAKE A CAKE?

[cat meowing]

[door opening]

THEY TOLD ME
OVER AT THE DEPOT
THAT YOU WAS WAITING FOR ME.

WELL, YEAH.

JUST THOUGHT I'D, UH,
TEST THE SEAT.

WELL, IT'S JUST AS PERFECT
AS AN EXPERT CAN MAKE IT.

SAY, HOW'D YOU
GET IN HERE ANYHOW?

JUST SAID, "OPEN SESAME."

[laughs]

JUST WHERE IS IT
YOU SAID BANJO'S HOLDING
THAT MARE OF MINE?

OUT AT MOLLIE'S DAIRY.

YOU'D BETTER GET OFF
OF THAT THING
BEFORE YOU RUIN--

THEY HAD ME COVERED.

NOW YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.
DON'T POINT THOSE THINGS
IN MY DIRECTION.

ME, I WANT THIS.

[groaning]

(Conaker)
IVORY, ARE YOU GOING
TO LET THEM GET--

SHUT UP, RICH MAN!

THERE'S SOMETHING I GOT
TO SAY TO YOU, CONACHER.

IT'S YOUR FAULT,
YOURS AND HACKETT'S,
I'M IN HANGING TROUBLE.

NOW, BEFORE I CUT OUT
FOR MEXICO,

I'M GOING
TO SQUARE ACCOUNTS.

YOU LISTENING?

I AM GOING TO GET
THAT PRECIOUS COLT OF YOURS.
YEAH.

(Ivory)
AND I AM GOING TO FEED HIM
TO THE WOLVES.

(Conaker)
NO! NOW, IVORY, YOU--

TOMORROW,
LOOK FOR THE BONES!

[gun firing]

(Conaker)
HELP! FIRE!

(Elmore)
HEY, IVORY DON'T NEED OUR HELP
GETTING' HIS REVENGE.

LET'S MAKE FOR
THE COUNTY LINE,
OLD BUDDY.

HELP! FIRE! FIRE!

YOU CAN MAKE ME WATCH
BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE ME
GIVE A HOOT.

WELL, WE'LL SEE.
WON'T BE LONG NOW.

I SAW A DOG
HAVE PUPPIES ONCE.

(Banjo)
WHOA, DIDO. EASY, LADY.

IT WASN'T NOTHIN' MUCH.

[Dido grunting]

(Banjo)
WHOA, WHOA, NOW.

YOU KNOW,
MOLLIE SURE DIDN'T LIKE IT

WHEN YOU TOLD HER
TO GO BAKE A CAKE.

THAT STUFF AIN'T IMPORTANT
RIGHT NOW, JUST KEEP SHUT.

(Banjo)
ANY MINUTE NOW.

THERE.
THERE, IT'S STARTIN'.

THIS FOAL'S MORE PRECIOUS
THAN MOST.

THE ONLY SURVIVIN' GET
OF THE CHAMPION, SAMARKAND.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I READ THEM PAPERS
YOU GAVE ME ALONG WITH DIDO.

THEY TRACE HIS LINE
CLEAR BACK
TO THE DARLEY ARABIAN.

YOU KNOW,

YOU AND ME ARE LUCKY
IF WE CAN REMEMBER
OUR GRANDFATHER'S FACE,

OR HIS FATHER'S NAME.

BUT THE BLOOD
OF FINE HORSES RUNS BACK
THROUGH MAN'S HISTORY.

THE SPANIARDS,
THE DESERT CHIEF OF ARABY,
OLD HANNIBAL'S ARMY,

ALEXANDER THE GREAT.

BUCEPHALUS WAS
THE HORSE HE RODE,

JUST LIKE YOU'RE GONNA
RIDE THIS ONE, OR--

SHOULDN'T YOU HELP HER?

NO, SHE'S DOIN' FINE.
SHE KNOWS.

ALL MOTHER THINGS
JUST KNOW.

THERE, SEE?

A LITTLE PAIN,

A LITTLE BLOOD,
AND THE WONDER OF IT.

THE PURE WONDER OF IT.

(Banjo)
COME ON,
LET'S CLEAN HER OFF.

[horse approaching]

WILL YOU LOOKEE, HERE?
A STAR, JUST LIKE HIS DADDY.

THAT'S A SURE SIGN
OF GLORY AND GOOD FORTUNE.

YEAH? FOR WHO?

I'M GONNA IGNORE THAT.

I'M GONNA GO
CALL MOLLIE OUT.

[foal neighing]

[Ivory yells]

[sighs]

UNCLE BANJO.

[exclaims in horror]

I DIDN'T KILL HIM,
NOT YET.

OH, NO.

NOT UNTIL HE SEES
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
TO THAT COLT.

NO, DON'T, PLEASE!

I NEVER BEGGED.

BUT WHY?

IT'S PRECIOUS
AND IT'S ONLY BEEN BORN!

LEARN THIS, KID.
EVERYTHING ALIVE
IS BUZZARD MEAT.

YOU, ME, AND THAT COLT.

WHEN AND HOW
MAKES NO DIFFERENCE.

YES, IT DOES.
IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE!

DON'T! YOU CAN'T!

[grunting]

[chickens clucking]

[cows mooing]

[grunting]

[pigs squealing]

[Dido neighing]

YEAH, GET HIM. GO!

BAKE A CAKE.

PUT SOME COFFEE ON.

SMILE AND KEEP OUT
OF THE WAY.

BANJO HACKETT,
YOU ARE AN EXASPERATION,

AND I AM NO CRACKERJACK.

[scuffling]

[gun firing]

BACK OFF!

DO IT OR I'LL SHOOT.

BUT I'M A BETTIN' MAN.

YOU HEARD ME!

I'M BETTING YOU HAVEN'T
GOT TIME ENOUGH
TO LEVER ANOTHER CARTRIDGE.

[gun cocking]

[gun firing]

[crying]

[cock crowing]

(Banjo)
THERE GOES THE SAM IVORY.

MOLLIE, IF I HAD IT IN ME
TO SETTLE DOWN

AND PICK UP
WITH A GOOD WOMAN--

WE'VE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES,
HAVEN'T WE?

THEY'RE NOT OVER.

NO, I HOPE NOT,

WITH SOME CHANGES.

LIKE WHAT?

THERE'S A CHILD
IN THE TEEPEE, RIGHT?

I WISH--
NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU'RE A FREE SPIRIT, BANJO,
AND THAT'S NOT TO BE CHANGED.

[horse approaching]

SHERIFF TELLS ME
YOU ALMOST LOST
YOUR SHOP LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, JUST ABOUT DID.

YOU KNOW, THE ONLY
GOOD THING TO COME OUT
OF THIS WHOLE THING

WAS THAT MR. TIP CONACHER
GOT SUCH A SCARE

THAT HE QUIT TOWN
AND WENT BACK
TO RUNNIN' HIS RAILROAD.

WELL, HALLELUJAH.

DON'T START REJOICING
TOO SOON.

HE SAID HE'D COME BACK
AFTER THAT COLT

AS SOON AS HE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO WEAN AND WITH A PRICE
YOU COULDN'T REFUSE.

I'M GONNA GO TALK
WITH JUBAL.

WELL, NOW THAT
YOU'RE ON THAT SUBJECT,

WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO
ABOUT HIM ANYHOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, YOU JUST CAN'T
THROW HIM BACK
IN THE WATER

LIKE SOME
UNDERSIZED TROUT.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO KEEP HIM.

NOW HOW
CAN I DO THAT?

THE BOY NEEDS
PROPER BRINGIN' UP
AND REGULAR--

HABITS
AND SQUARE VIRTUES.

YEAH.

OH, BANJO,
WHAT'S THE GOOD OF ALL THAT
IF THERE'S NO HEART IN IT.

THE KID COULD TAKE
JUST ABOUT ANYTHING
EXCEPT NOBODY WANTING HIM.

DID I SAY
I DIDN'T WANT HIM?

WELL, NOW,
JUST WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

HIS NAME'S WONDER
AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU DO WITH HIM.

HE'S YOURS.

LIKE THE CHEYENNE SAY,
"UNTIL THE STONES MELT."

WHAT GOOD'S THAT
IF YOU'RE GONNA--

YOU AND ME
ARE STICKING TOGETHER, SON,

AGAINST WHATEVER
THE FUTURE MAY BRING.

WHY?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

(Jubal)
WELL, WHAT ABOUT WONDER?

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

WELL, HE'S TOO LITTLE
TO GO WITH US.

I MEAN, OVER THOSE MOUNTAINS
AND ROUGH PLACES.

WELL, WE CAN LEAVE HIM
AND DIDO UP
AT THE ACE HIGH LIVERY.

BUT HE LIKES IT HERE.

WELL, MOLLIE'S GOT
HER COWS TO TEND TO.

WELL, MAYBE I COULD...

OF COURSE, IF I WAS
TO TAKE ON A HIRED HAND

WHO'D WORK FOR HIS KEEP
AND WONDER'S...

AND GO TO SCHOOL
IN THE WINTER.

AND GO SELLIN' HORSES
WITH YOU IN THE SUMMER.

AND ESCORT ME
TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS,

AND LICK MY CAKE SPOON.

UNCLE BANJO?

LIKE OH-CUM-GACHE SAYS,

"WHEN YOU'RE FACED
WITH A CHOICE,
GO AFTER THE BEST OF BOTH."

MOLLIE?

OH-CUM-GACHE
HAS SPOKEN.

[all laughing]