Banging Lanie (2020) - full transcript

An incredibly bright, but socially awkward teenage girl decides to take her virginity into her own hands.

They're showing
the original "Omen"

in the park on Saturday, wanna go?

- I have to tutor Gabriel Saturday.

- All day?

- And I wanna look over my MIT questions.

- Again?

- Don't give me a hard
time, this is important.

- Lanie, I so get it.

But I don't want you to obsess over it

to the point where you
miss out on life, okay?

- Yes but they have to be perfect.

- You don't have to be perfect.

- If I get into MIT,

I need to be good enough
to get a scholarship.

- You're only young once, sweetheart.

Thus, why I should

take advantage of this opportunity.

- One movie isn't gonna make a difference.

- I don't wanna spend the money on it.

- I'm buying tickets.

- I don't want you to
spend the money on it.

- I can afford $12 to spend an evening

with my daughter, honey.

I want to.

- But it's not important.

Thank you for
my card, by the way.

- I know you miss him.

- Not much anymore, actually.

- Really?

- Well, you remind me of him every day.

And he would have loved that puzzle.

- How long did it take you to open it?

- 20 minutes.

- I'm glad you liked it.

- I love you too.

I miss you already.

- Thanks for driving me.

- Have a good day.

Bye, Mom.

- Hi, Lanie, how was your weekend?

- What?

- Did you have a good weekend?

- Yes, I finished my programming demo

for the Protean Automation internship,

rebuilt my mom's old computer

and completed all of my homework.

I was just going over the
notes for my trig test

when you so rudely interrupted me to ask

a completely mundane
and innocuous question

that I'm now forced to reciprocate.

- God, I was just being polite.

- Being polite means not bothering

someone who's clearly reading.

- Sure, whatever, bye.

- Did you have a good weekend?

You missed our session Thursday.

- I know, this is to apologize.

- Steven, you're not gonna get better

at math if you don't practice.

I have offered my services
and it's up to you

to take advantage of them.

- I will, this Thursday, promise.

But, muffin, it's chocolate chip.

- What could be more
important than your studies?

This is your future.


Would you please try
and restrain yourselves?

This isn't a cheap motel,
have some self respect.

- PMS much?

What do you know
about the 1854 cholera outbreak?

Another of
your research projects?

Seems interesting.

- As far as I remember,
it was the first time

science was clearly used
to solve a medical problem.

- That's all?

- I don't know everything.

How's your application coming?

- Well, I think.

I have a bunch of random
questions to answer

for the honors portion,
personality stuff, you know.

What's my most treasured possession.

Do you think I can say my
brain, or is that weird?

- I think that's probably
not what they're looking for.

- Right, something like my dad's old tie.

- Exactly.

- My dad never wore ties,
do you think my mom did?

Wasn't that a big thing,
power suits and stuff?

- Why don't you help
me get ready for class

and you can think about it some more.

- Wait, what?

- Sex ed today.

- No, please, no.

- Yes, please, yes.

We had to fight the school board

to allow me to teach,
so be happy about it.

- I am, I am all for
knowledge and education

just maybe not on this exact day.

- Today's the day,
according to my calendar.

You wouldn't want me to
ignore my calendar, would you?

- No, of course not.

Follow the calendar and the guidelines.

But maybe--

- Maybe what, Lanie?

- Can I skip class today?

- No.

- But I'm not having sex, probably ever.

- I don't need to know
your sexual history, Lanie.

I need to make sure you can

take care of yourself
when you change your mind.

- I do.

Condoms always, birth control too,

get tested for STDs regularly.

- And go to the bathroom afterwards.

- What?

- Urination is a proven method

of clearing out the bacteria
that can accumulate--

- Okay, I'll pee.

- Good, then you're all
set for the pop quiz

I'm giving at the end of class.

Bananas, please.

- Yes!

Oh, sweet.

- All right, yes, yes, yes.

Who can tell me what we're doing today?

- Sex.

- Exactly, today we're going to discuss

what happens when a
penis goes into a vagina.

- Cool.

- There are other sexual
orientations and methods these days

but this will be classic sexual education.

Intercourse is a--

- A beautiful thing.

- Between two consenting adults, maybe.

It can lead to...

- Oh god.

- Some nasty complications
if undertaken lightly

and while not thinking clearly.

- She means drunk.

- In the case of sexual
congress occurring,

you need to take care and be aware

of how to handle yourselves.

- That's what she said.

- Now, you should all have
a condom and a banana.

Tear open the packet
and you'll want to use

two fingers to slide it
over the tip of the banana.

Everyone got it?

Not quite.

You gave yourself a pretty
big banana, try again.

- Do robots even use condoms?

- What is love?

- Here, it's more like this.

You grab it with the two
fingers and keep rolling it down

and you're good to go.

You know, you just,
you'll get better at it.

You just gotta keep practicing.

- Seriously, does senior year

make everyone turn into rabbits?

- Hey, we're just saying good morning.

- Good morning.

- Whatever.

- You know, maybe I should tutor you.

- I have a perfect GPA and tutor
seven students besides you.

I think I'm fine.

- On friendship, you
could use a little help.

- I don't need friends.

- What am I, chopped liver?

- Oh, not to me.

- Hi, excuse me, can you tell me

where the principal's office is?

- What did you do?

- Move here?

I just gotta pick up my class schedule.

- Down the hall, take a right,

one more left, two rights, on the right.

- Uh, thank you.

- Thus, while he is mostly remembered

for the theory which bears his name,

Pythagoras can actually be claimed

as the father of both modern
philosophy and mathematics.

We owe him a great deal.

- Thank you, Miss Burroughs.

Class, anyone wanna go next?

- I didn't know it was possible

to make English more
boring than it already is.

- Joey?

You seem very eager to talk.

Presentation, please?

- Oh, um, it's...

- Can you even make full sentences?

- I can make out.

- That's not a relevant comment.

- I saw you watching us out there.

- Joey?

Are you ready for your presentation today?

- My dog ate it.

- Your dog ate your presentation?

- No, ate it.

He's dead.

I'm just so heartbroken, I
can't focus on my schoolwork.

I think I need an emotional day.

Little fella got into the chocolate cake

and he ate too much.

I know, I know we've all had
it happen but it was like,

he went too far, you know.

I just miss him so much.

- Anyone else ready to go?

Thank you, Jordan.

- John Snow.

No, not that Jon Snow, Doctor John Snow

is considered to be the
first modern epidemiologist.

♪ Are we alone ♪

♪ Do I really have the power ♪

♪ To not be on my own ♪

♪ Do I wanna be out here alone ♪

♪ Here in my past I had enough sad songs ♪

♪ Life is tough ♪

♪ No one worth loving, loving ♪

♪ Another crowded night tell
me have I got it right ♪

♪ I feel like loving, loving ♪

♪ Love feels like everywhere I go ♪

♪ I drink it up gonna party all night ♪

♪ Gonna think that we're alone ♪

♪ We're just hiding in plain sight ♪

♪ I'll be here alone ♪

♪ We're here alone ♪

♪ Are we here alone ♪

♪ We're here alone ♪

♪ Come to my life ♪

♪ If I'm shining will you see the light ♪

♪ In a sepia ♪

- How was school?

- Fine.

Really, it was fine.

History, fine, math test, fine.

Biology was all sex ed today, gross.

- Sex isn't gross.

- The pictures we saw were.

- Scare tactics.


When a man and a woman, or whoever,

are attracted to--

- Mom, I, I, Mom, I got the picture.

Plenty of detail, trust me.

- Sex is a basic human need.

Look it up.

- Is it really?

- Definitely, yes.

- Hello?

- Hi, Steven, it's Lanie
Burroughs from school.

- What can I do for
you, Lanie from school?

- Were you serious about tutoring me?

- No, that was another
stellar example of my humor.

- Right, good one, okay, that's all.

- Lanie, I'm teasing.

But, if you'd let me tutor
you, you would know this.

- So you would tutor me?

- In friendship?

Is there somewhere for me to sit?

- I can get you a chair.

- Rule number one, always
offer a place to sit

and a refreshment.

- Are you thirsty?

Do you want water, juice, milk?

- No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm just saying it's nice to offer.

- Understood.

- What are you doing?

- Taking notes.

- Why?

- Well how else am I gonna learn?

Or keep track of my progress?

- What exactly are your goals here?

Are you okay?

- So...

You know Jordan Wiser?

- Yeah.

- I wanted to sleep with him
but didn't know what to do.

- Oh my god.

- Could you help me?

- Friendship and sex are
very different, Lanie.

What the hell, you hated
watching me and Philip make out

and now you're into it?

- I've been doing some research.

- Oh god.

- And it turns out that sex
is actually a biological need,

like, the hierarchy at needs
has it at the very bottom

so if I wanna become creative or moral

or problem-solving then
I have to do it, right?

- That thing's really old.

- 1954 is not that old.

- It's older than my dad.

- Steven, I am the smartest
person in our class.

If this was a dumb idea,
would I be doing it?

- I don't even know how to answer that.

- I have a perfect GPA.

- I know.

- And I'm on my way to MIT,

I just need to do this
one tiny little thing,

becoming a fully rounded person,

completing my moral growth,
and moving up the pyramid.

- Just don't call it a tiny little thing.

- What?

- Jordan wouldn't like that.

- You're referring to his penis.

- I can't believe I agreed to this.

- You haven't yet.

Did I mention I'm paying you?

- Oh god.

Have you ever thought about
wearing nicer clothes?

- What's wrong with these clothes?

- Have you heard of Target?

- I dress for comfort.

- What about makeup?

- Girls who wear makeup are so--

- What?

Strong, confident, ready to
take on the world in heels?

Putting on makeup is hard
work, Lanie, trust me.

- You put on makeup?

- Eyeliner is the devil incarnate.

- Fine.

- Good, and get your mom
to help with the makeup.

- Why can't you do it?

- I'm gay, I'm not Sephora.

And for the record, looking
nice for someone you like

is not stupid, it means you care.

Can I ask a question?

Of course, I encourage verbal
engagement and feedback.

- If you wanna just have sex with someone,

why not ask somebody on the football team?

- Do you think that would work?

- I don't know.

- What would I say?

- No matter who you ask, you
better go on a date first.

Or actually, three.

- Why three?

- The third date is when
it's most acceptable

to sleep with someone.

- My mom slept with my
dad on their first date.


- How do you know this?

- The same way that I
know that the only people

who wear these shoes are
- life.

- Can I ask Jordan out?

- Why not?

It's the 21st century, be a nasty woman.

And wear these, they're the
best things in your closet.

You could probably just
burn the rest of it.

Start from scratch.

Aren't you cold?

- Do I look bad?

- No, I'm teasing.

Not bad, just different.

- Hi, Jordan.

- Hey, Steven.

- If you were looking for
the opportune moment...

- We could get food!

- He's gone, he's gone.

- But that's what I could say, right?

- "How are you doing"
might be a nicer start,

just ease your way into it.

- Understood.

- You might wanna start with a movie.

There's less pressure to talk.

- "Would you like to
accompany me to the cinema?"

- Not so proper.

- "Wanna see a movie?"

- Just be you, Lanie.

- "Wanna go to a movie?"

- No, maybe don't be you.

- A single cell splits by
tearing off a piece of itself,

thus creating a new cell.

One cell division is
equivalent to reproduction.

An entirely new organism is created.


I called Lisa last night
about your application.

- Thank you so much.

- Absolutely, I told
her to keep an eye out,

that she'd be lucky to have you.

That you're a straight-A student.

- Thanks.

- Don't make me write you up
for a dress code violation.

- Thanks.

- Bring it back tomorrow.

- Okay.

It doesn't look bad.

No, it does.

Yeah, no, Dr. G gave it to me.

- She looks like a pillow.

- But a sweet, cute pillow.

- You look like a--

- You can pull it off, you
don't look so terrible.

He's just helping, trying.

- Oh!

Are you okay?

I'm sorry.

- Hey, it's okay, I'm good, are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, you're good.

I'm fine, I'm totally fine, are you fine?

I didn't hurt you, right?
- I'm okay.

No, I'm okay, I'm good.

- Yeah, yeah, you're good, so good.

- You look nice today.

- That was your opportune moment.

- Did you get that from every movie ever?

- It always works.

- It made me forget about the movie thing.

- This is gonna be harder than I thought.

- No, I got this, I totally got this.

Did Rose freak out when
she met The Doctor?

No, she knew what she had to do, she ran.

- I don't know what you're talking about

but you can't run from your problems.

- No, running is the
best course of action.

- Oh my god, not in heels.

- Lanie.

- Jordan.

Do you wanna see a movie?

- Like, now?

- No, in the future.

At a chosen specific
time and place, with me.

- Are you asking me out?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Is that a yes?

- Yes, an affirmative.

- I knew I liked you.

- You like me?

- Do people go on dates
with people they don't like?

- I don't know.

- If they do, that's really dumb

and completely antithetical
to the point of dating.

- Yeah, I guess.

- But you'll come?

- Yeah, I'll come.

Name the future time and place.

- Tomorrow night at the mall?

- Sounds good.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Oh, what time?

- 8 p.m.

- Okay.

- Don't talk to me.

- I did it.

- I can't believe that just worked.

- Me either, oh my god, I'm so excited.

I feel like I'm tingly all
over, I think I might pass out.

Is this what being turned on feels like?

- Whoa, okay, let's
get you ready, come on.


- Literally, not literally,
figuratively, hyperbole.

- Bae.

- Before anyone else.

- Use it in a sentence.

- Philip is your bae.

- Yes, good.

- Low-key.

- Low-key probably
evolved out of down low,

keep it down, it's saying
something secretive

that you don't want
everyone to know about.

- Right.


- YOLO, you only live once, so just do it.

- Yeah, this one's a little outdated.

- What do people say?

- SYTL, say yes to life.

- SYTL, say yes to life,
SYTL, say yes to life,

SYTL, say yes to life, got it.

- Three conversation starters.

- Where are you going to college,

what's your favorite class this year,

where do you see yourself in five years?

- Yeah, good, also something normal like,

what's your favorite TV show?

- What if he says something I don't watch?

- Then you say, "cool!"

And as him about the plot.

It shows that you're interested.

- Okay, that's good, interested is good.

- All right, last one,
Jordan's best friends.

- Andrew and Lucy, been
friends since second grade.

- I think you're ready.

- I think I'm gonna throw up.

- Stop twitching.

- I'm sorry, you're basically
poking me in the eye.

- That's how eyeliner works.

- This is the devil incarnate.

- This is my job, honey.

- You're a hairdresser,
not an ophthalmologist.

- Okay, I have a question.

- Okay.

- I found box of condoms under your bed.

- Said as worded or expressed
so as to elicit information,

I guess I'll let that
qualify as a question.

- Do you know how to use them?

- It's a first date, Mom.

- You're the product of a first date.

- I know.

- And you taking this long to answer

isn't making me feel any better.

- Yes, I know how to do it

but I'm also not gonna do it.

- Sweetheart, you're 18 and
this is your first real date.

Get ready for your body to do

all sorts of things you didn't know about.

- Can we finish in silence, please?

- I just want you to have fun.

And be safe.

And I made an appointment with Dr. Blake.

- Why?

- She's a great OBGYN.

Birth control?

- Silence.



You look good.


So, what do you wanna see?

- Something with robots?

Would you like a refreshment?

- Yeah, let's get some popcorn.

- So, where are you applying?

- I'm not.

- Oh.

- I'm gonna go on a
cross-country motorcycle trip

with my older brother.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

- How are Andrew and Lucy?

- They're good, they're fine, yeah.

- Good, it's nice to have friends.

- Yeah, it is.

So why did you ask me out?

Because, you know, girls don't usually

do that sort of thing, so--

- Right.

I just figured I'd give it a shot.

YOLO, right?

- Sure, yeah, YOLO.

So you listen to Drake?

- What, who?


- Do you know what you want?

- Yeah, can I get a popcorn
and a root beer please?

- Same for me.

- Sure.

- I like root beer a lot,
it's a very underrated soda.

- So is lemonade.

- $18.64, please.

- No, you got the tickets, I'll get this.

- I don't think you know how
this whole date thing works.

- The guy always has to pay?

- Well, yeah, usually.

- Yeah, but I asked you out.

- Is this like a trick to...

- No, this is the 21st century.

- Okay, yeah, I like it.

- Cool.

- Great.

Here you are, enjoy your movie.

- Thanks.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, here.

- You know, you're gonna
have to use the restroom

if you keep chugging that whole thing.

- Yeah.

Good point.

Oh, I can't wait to see this.

- Yeah, me too.

- It looks so good.

- Yeah.

- You don't like horror movies?

- It's not that I...

They're just scary.

- It's over.

- Okay.

- Now I'll rescue someone
in a burning building

in the rain so it looks truly epic.

- Truly epic.

No, that's what guys do, though.

We just wander around the city
looking for burning buildings

just to rescue girls.

- Really?

- Yeah, the easiest way to get a kiss.

- Well, you know, secretly
all girls wanna be

rescued and carried out
of burning buildings.

- Oh, they do?

- Yeah, we definitely prefer
it to burning to death.

- Oh, that's true.

- You know, I'm having
a lot of fun right now.

- Me too.

I should go the root beer's getting to me.

- Hey, um.

- Ouch.

- I'm sorry, I'm just nervous.

- You're fine, you're doing okay, okay?

- I'm gonna go.

- Yeah.

- But I'll see you at school?

- For sure, yeah.

- Sounds good.

Have a good night.

- You too.

- I can't do this, I laughed in his face.

I'm not a normal person,
that's not what you do.

- I bet he thought it was cute.

- I bet he thinks I hated it.

Or that he was a bad
kisser, which is not true.

I don't think.

- Well, you could ask someone
else out, compare kisses.

Make it a scientific exploration.

- Well, for that to work we need

some sort of control
group, like a baseline.

Who's the best kisser that we know?

No, they have to be average.

Average kisser, is that a thing?

- Wow, I was joking.

- Could work, though.

Just science the shit out
of it, round up like 20 guys

and I could make out with each of them.

Now only would I get better at technique,

we could compare notes.

- You wanna make out with 20 guys?

- Well, how else do you
gt better at this stuff?

- You take it slow and
practice with those who matter.

- Philip?

- Exactly.

If Jordan is your Philip, he won't mind

if you make a few mistakes.

- I don't make mistakes.

- Sometimes in life, you have to.

- What are you doing?

Oh my god, what?

- You have to make, stop,
let things be messy.

Make mistakes, Lanie.

- You're making a mess, Steven.

Stop it, this is crazy.

No, those are, I need--

- Leave it, Lanie.

- No these are all the things--

- Let things be what they are.

- No, no, oh my god that's
gross, those are dirty.

- Yeah, and they're hideous too.

Look, sometimes life is messy.

So you laughed in a boy's face, so what?

- So--

Come in.

- Everything okay?

- Just backing up my point
with evidence, Miss Burroughs.

- Steven, how nice to see you, may I?

Lanie didn't tell me you were coming over.

I would have made hot chocolate.

- Oh, that's alright.

It's be so long, how are you?

- I'm good.

- He's great, Mom, super, awesomely great

but we're in the middle
of a tutoring session.

- Oh, gotcha.

Come for dinner sometime, yeah?

- Sure thing Miss B.

- And Lanie, door open, remember?

- Mm-hmm.

- Door open?

- No boys in here with the
door closed, house rules.

- Really, I thought your
mom was cooler than that.

- She is, hormonal teenage boys aren't.

- But I'm okay?

- You're gay, I think I'm safe.

- Fair.

- You were making a point?

- I think I made it.

- As you can see, it's time
we perform a little surgery.

You and your partner will
dissect and classify the frog

and fill in the worksheet
before the end of class.

- Got it, cool.

- Yep.

I can call out the parts if
you wanna write them down.

- I think we're supposed
to take turns, right?

- Sure.

- Okay, do it, do it, do it.

- Okay, just hold it down.

- I've got it.

- Hold it down.

- I got him.

- Is this where the testes are?

- No.

- Let me.

- Sex is female.

- Sex is male.

- Nah, see the ovaries right there?

Definitely female.

- No, see the testes?


- No, maybe they're something
else, but definitely female.

- Maybe those are something else.

I have a perfect GPA, trust me.

- My parents are doctors, trust me.

- What seems to be the issue?

- Dr. G, the frog is male, correct?

- No, I think it's female.

- Hmm.

Well, you're both right.

It's a hermaphrodite frog, carry on.

- Shall we?

That's with an F, right, hermaphrodite?

- P-H.

- Hi, so, I almost vomited
seven times in class today.

Could I have a look at your notes later?

- Yeah, of course.

- Okay, thank you.

Oh, say yes to life.

- Jordan, hey.

- Hey.

- How are you?

- I'm a little bit nauseous
right now but I'm okay.

- Yeah, gross, right?

- Totally.

- I had a really good time at the movies.

The kiss was good, it was great, it was--

- It was good, it was good.

- What are you up to this weekend?

- It's homecoming, are you gonna go?

- To the game?

- Yeah.

- I don't know, I've never
been to a football game.

- Well then, you should go,
you know, we're seniors.

Scratch it off your list.

- Yeah, okay.

- YOLO, right?

- Or SYTL.

- What?

- Say yes to life.

- You're funny.

I like that.

- Thanks.

- So I'll pick you up Friday?

- Yeah, okay, cool.

- Do you mind if I pick you up?

- No, that sounds great.

- All right, cool.

Say yes to life.

- Those things not good
enough to get you on the team?

- I have a knee injury,
which you would know

if you had been to more
than one game this season.

- Yeah, I'm sure that's what they all say.

- Jesus.

Shut up, penis wrinkle.


- Hi.

- I got you a water bottle.

- Thank you.

- So how do you like it?

The high school football game.

- It's great.

I hope we line up in
the slot a lot tonight

but if they start putting much
pressure on the quarterback

hopefully we can get out of
the pocket and avoid the sack.

Of course, we do have
our special teams defense

and they should be able to off any returns

for touchdowns tonight and hopefully

their secondary isn't very
good so if we throw downfield

we have the chance for the long play.

- Whoa.

That is a lot of hopes.

- I like to be informed.

You've never played football?

- Nope.

- Me either.

- I did do gymnastics though.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, when I was like, eight.

I was pretty good, too.

- This I've gotta see.

- No, you don't gotta see, actually, no.

- Yeah I do, yep.

- Look, thankfully smartphones
weren't a thing back then

so I've burned all the
photos, there's nothing left.

- Really?

- I don't know, actually.

My mom probably still has them
somewhere left in a basement.

- My mom has pictures of me
with food all over my face.

- That doesn't sound as bad.

- I just refused to use a knife
and fork until I was five.

- That makes sense, you'd fit right in.

- I guess I just figured it
was easier to use my hands

than to use some foreign metal objects.

- Exactly.

You know, I can still do a cartwheel.

- So can I.

- No way.

- Yes way, PE.

- Okay, prove it then.

- You prove it.

- You first.

- I just ate.

- So did I.

You ready?

One, two, three.

Oh, nice.

That was still pretty good.

- No, that was, yeah, that was fantastic.

- Thanks, oh my gosh.

- Hey, Lanie, you know Gatorade
is a great post-sex drink?

You gotta rehydrate after all that work.


- No thanks.

- Suit yourself.

Rip it up, okay buddy?

- The game's starting.

- Yeah.

Hey, do you wanna get hamburgers tomorrow?

No metal utensils involved, so...

- Yeah, that sounds fun.

- Don't laugh.

- Hello, how did you get here?

- I know where you live.

You haven't moved since sixth grade.

- How did you get inside?

- Your mom let me in on
her way out the door.

I needed to see you.

You didn't answer your phone last night.

- Yeah, I was busy.

- Doing what?

- Performing my nightly duties

as a vigilante named Toastman.

- Teasing?

- Yes.

- Focus, third date, tonight.

So we go out to dinner then
we go back to his place.

- Or you ask him back
to yours, 21st century.

- And then we just do it?

- What have you done so far?

- We've kissed, twice.

- Yeah, he might not
wanna have sex tonight.

- Don't guys wanna have sex all the time?

- That's a terrible
stereotype that needs to die.

- But it's the third date.

- Okay, use this as a beta test.

- Go on.

- Third base, hand jobs,
fingering, stuff like that

and then if he wants more, go for it.

- I thought you said
third date was the rule.

- What I'm trying to say
is that there are no rules.

The third date is when it's generally

more acceptable to sleep with someone

but if you've only kissed
twice that's a big leap.

- I want more, though.

- Really?

- I was totally fine on my own

and then he had to go and do a
whole presentation on science

and mess up all of my plans.

- Yes, be messy.

Okay, you ready?

Pretend this is Jordan.


Don't actually do that, no.

I'm just getting it ready.

Just go up and down and up and down.

All right, easy, easy,
it's not a glow stick.

Don't squeeze it like that, do not, okay.

Just stroking it gently, okay, gently.

Not like a dog.

- Okay, it's just getting sticky.

- Yep, it'll do that.

- Home sweet home.

- This is your place?

- Yep.

- Cool.

I should probably be heading home.

- You know my parents aren't home tonight.

They're at a concert, they
won't be back for a while.

If you wanna still hang out.

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Do you wanna see my motorcycle?

- Yeah, okay.

- Alright.

- You built this yourself?

- Yeah, I've been working
on her since freshman year.

- This is so impressive.

- Thanks.

Do you wanna climb on?

- Am I gonna break it?

- No, you're not gonna break it, Lanie.

There you go, and look at you, woo!

Very, very, very hot.

- What are you doing?

- Rescuing you.

I have trouble reading you.

What you're okay with, physically.

- Sorry.

- Is this okay?

- Yeah.

- I'm just--

- Nervous?

- Yeah, exactly.

But I like it.

- Good.

- I feel like I should say thank you.

- Why?

- I don't know.

- You're welcome?

- Can I do you?

- What do you mean?

- Aren't I supposed to,
like, return the favor?

- Sure.

- Oh my god, is it twitching?

- Take it as a compliment.

- Okay.

- I'm close.

- Really?

- Yes.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Do you want me to try you again?

- No, that's okay, I
have school and homework

and tutoring and so I should go.

- Bye.

- He just came, like that.

What the hell?

- What?

- Third date, right, beta test?

I think I'm broken.

He was touching me and
it sort of felt good

but it kinda hurt and I
couldn't make up my mind

and he just stopped, and I
did him like the bread dough

and he just ejaculated everywhere.

- Everywhere?

- Like, I didn't come
anywhere close to that.

Can all men just do it
right away, can women?

What do I do?

- I'm a man.

I mean, yes I've been
helping you with all this

but at the end of the day, I'm a dude.

I don't know what to
tell you about your body.

- Just masturbate.

- No, gross.

- Hey, if you wanna
learn, you gotta practice.

- Yeah, but not here because friends

don't interrupt friends date nights.

- Good luck, Lanie.


- What?

- Do you have a second?

- For you, in that outfit?

I've got 69.

- I understood that reference.

- So, what's up?

- Come with me.

So, like, what do you do with it.

Are you asking
me for masturbation advice?

- The best scientists go
to experts in their field.

- Okay, what have you done?

- On myself or with someone?

- Both.

- Not much.

Also, is it supposed to hurt?

- Sex?

- Fingering.

- Maybe, if you're really tense.

Look, you should use a vibrator
and plenty of lube, okay?

- What?

- Oh, come on, robot girl,
embrace the technology,

it's right at your fingertips.

- I don't have a vibrator.

- You have a single mom.

I am sure you have access to one.

Oh, no, no, are you taking notes?

- Mm-hmm, I need specific
tips, area, pressure, style.

- Okay, babe, you gotta
sort that out yourself.

I mean, unless you want some help.

- No thanks.

- I'm always here for you.

♪ When I'm with you I want it bad ♪

♪ I know we're through but
baby don't stop fighting ♪

♪ When I'm with you I fall in love ♪

♪ So look at me, look
at me, look at me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

- Hey!

- Hey!


- I'm having a party
Saturday, you should come.

- Party?

- Yeah come, STYL, right?

- Right, okay.

- Alright.

I'll see you, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Andrew.

- Hey!

- Where's Jordan?

- In the kitchen, I think.

- Okay.

- What?

- Welcome to the show.

- Jordan.
- Hey, Lanie!

- Hey.

- You actually came.

- Yeah, yeah.

- All right, let me show you around.

- Okay.

♪ You've been messing around ♪

♪ Got my feet on the ground ♪

♪ And I'm dancing like
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Got me singing along and
I know that it's wrong ♪

♪ That I'm falling in love with you now ♪

♪ Shut up, shut up, are you
messing around with me ♪

♪ Shut up, shut up, playing
with my heart strings ♪

♪ Shut up, shut up, are you
messing around with me ♪

♪ Shut up, shut up, you're
playing with my heartstrings ♪

♪ Oh got me singing every line ♪

♪ Even all your cheating lies ♪

♪ Will we get to the refrain ♪

♪ Or am I waiting here in vain ♪

- A little to the left.

- Here?

- Yes.

More please.

- More?

Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Hold on.

Are you okay?

- Bathroom?

- So, how's Steven?

- Fine.

- It was so nice seeing him the other day.

I wish he were around more.

- Why are you being weird?

- I'm not.

You guys have just been
hanging out again, it's nice.

- Mom.

- So?

- Mom, he's gay.

- Oh.


- Yep.

- I feel like I'm so
out of touch these days.

- I fixed your computer.

We can set you up on all the social media,

you can search for stuff.

- I don't know, that
totally freaks me out.

- It's totally normal, Mom.

Literally everyone is doing it.

- We'll see.

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Let's go.

- Wait, hold on.

- Hey, Lanie, I hope Joey didn't ruin

your night with Jordan the other night.

- Nah, it was all good.

- You don't really need
Jordan anyway, right?

- Right, thanks for the advice.

- She had one?

- Yeah.

- You enjoyed it?

- Yes.

- Go girl.

- You told her?

- Yeah, why not?

I thought it made you seem cool.

Plus, she needed some cheering up.

- Friends tell each other things.

- You guys are friends?

- Yeah, why?

- I just didn't expect people

from different social groups
to interact so thoroughly.

- You're the one that doesn't
have any friends, Lanie.

You decided you were
better than the rest of us.

- Yeah, you created your own social group.

Lanie Burroughs

can you please come to
the principal's office?

Lanie Burroughs to the principal's office.

- What is it, sir?

- I never thought I would
see you sitting here, Lanie.

You might wanna keep this to yourself.

- What are you doing here?

- What is this?

- How did this get online?

- So this is real?

Yeah, in the flesh.

- I can explain.

- Yeah, you better because
I'd really like to know

how my name and everything we did ended up

online and all over the school.

- I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?

This isn't your handwriting?

This isn't your notebook?

- It is.

- So what is this, Lanie?

- It was a stupid plan.

- Yeah, it was stupid.

- I wanted to have sex, okay?

- You don't get sex by lying to people.

- I wasn't lying to you.

- So when we're you
gonna tell me about this?

Before or after we banged?

- No.

- No what.

- No, I wasn't going to tell you.

- That isn't lying?

- I was withholding the truth.

- Same freaking difference.

- I'm sorry.

- No, no, it's too late for sorries.

- I don't know what else to say.

- Just stop.

Don't talk to me anymore.

- What are you doing here?

Just kidding, I already know.

Okay, grab a mop.

And tell me everything.

- I think everyone
already knows everything.

- Yeah, you really went all caveman

with the pen and paper thing, didn't you?

Less likely to get hacked, how ironic.

- Have you done it?

- The sex?

- Yeah, like with a guy.

- I've had sex with a guy and a girl.

- And?

- And which one was better?

- No.

How was it?

It was like 30 seconds
and then it was over.

I don't feel any different.

- What did you think was gonna happen?

That you were gonna get a
big old badge of adulthood?

- I don't know, more than nothing.

- Look, a penis isn't so powerful

that it's gonna make you
into somebody you're not.

It's funny, I thought you'd be
smart enough to realize that.

- Yeah, you missed our session.

- I needed to talk to Kylie.

- But you could have
texted me or something.

My math test is tomorrow.

- You'll do fine.

- No, I need your help
or I'm not gonna pass.

- I'm really not in the mood.

- Well, I'm not in the
mood to be your slave

but I'm doing that, so--

- You're not my slave.

- No?

Certainly feels like it,
constantly at your beck and call

to answer all your relationship
drama, I have a life.

- I'm paying you for those
services, therefore not a slave.

- And I'm paying you to tutor me

so suck it up and teach me numbers.

- You're mean.

- Yeah, I'm mean, and I'm nice,

and I'm funny, and I'm
a lot of other things

if you actually spend time with me.

- I spend time with you.

- Only when one of us is paying the other.

That's not friendship.

You get an F from me.

- An F?

- Yeah, for failure.

Life's not all about numbers, Lanie.

- Sometimes it's messy?

- Sometimes it cares enough to listen

and actually relate to
another human being.

- Did you steal my notebook?

- I told you from the start to let things

be what they are and not take notes.

- So you're a logical first suspect.

- The only notebook I
care about is my math one.

- So I'm just here to teach you math?

That's all anyone ever
thinks I'm good for.

- I'm not the one who stopped
hanging out in ninth grade.

- I know, I'm a freak wanting to work hard

and have a good future.

- No, you're a freak for
trying to do it alone.

- Here's what I owe
you, hire another tutor.

I'm sorry.

- Don't be sorry.

I'm sorry.

We should have talked about
all this a lot sooner.

- No, I don't wanna
talk about it with you.

- I know, but we should've.

We're creating a nation of prudes

and it's making everything
a lot more confusing

and difficult than it needs to be.

I signed that letter requesting

the full sex education in school,

I should have asked you about all of this.

- You did.

I didn't wanna talk about it with you.

- That's gotta change, okay?

- I know.

- I'm really proud of you.

- Why?

- For pursuing a need in a smart way.

- Thanks.

- Besides, maybe you've convinced
me to start dating again.

There are some good tips in there.

Will you get me one of those app things?

- Yes, I can get you a dating app.

- And we could compare notes.

I know it's weird but sex
is nothing to be ashamed of.

Okay, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

But you need to get your own vibrator.

- Fine.

- Oh.

A classic.

- Sorry, I just wasn't paying attention.

That was not on purpose, sorry.

- No, I meant the book.

- Yeah, my copy's totally falling apart

so I had to come get a new one.

You've read it?

- Yeah, it's like my favorite thing I own.

- Really?

You seem too cute--

- You wanna finish that sentence?

- No, not really.

Do you have any pets?

- What?

- You just moved here, right?

- Yeah, yeah over the summer.

- Where did you move from?

- Foster.

- Where's that?

- It's about 30 minutes
outside of nowhere.

- Why'd you move?

- My mom got a job at St. Barbara's.

- Oh, cool.

- It's been alright.

- You might have to
graduate with no friends.

- I think I just made one.

- Whoa, look at this.

- We have seven copies at home.

- Really?

- Yeah, doctors.

- Oh, yeah.

- It's really interesting,
though, the human body.

- Yeah?

- The brain, especially.

It's an incredible feat of engineering.

- Exactly, I mean that's the
tricky part of building AI

right now, the mind is
just a huge unmapped space.

- Yeah, exactly.

- Do you think the human body has needs?

- Like food and water?

Yeah, of course.

- No, physical needs.

The hierarchy of needs has
sex at the bottom, right?

But sexual intimacy isn't
until the middle somewhere

so what's the difference?

Does the body have a purely
physical need for touch?

- Yeah, we have to be connected
to our fellow species.

I guess, it's kinda what makes us human.

♪ Me and you will be ♪

♪ Me and you together will be ♪

♪ Me and you will be ♪

♪ Me and you forever ♪

♪ Cut down by the trauma
written on the centerfold ♪

♪ Will they ever know me ♪

♪ Is my name beyond control ♪

♪ Have I ever told you ♪

♪ What my life could be ♪

♪ It's a lie they sold you ♪

- Ugh, these just make me hungry.

- I'm terrible at baking, too much math.

- I have to go see a friend.

I'll see you at school?

- Okay, yeah.

- Cool, bye.

- Bye.

- Lanie, we have to
stop meeting like this.

- I have an idea.

- What, your move again?

- You like baking, right?


- Baking is all math.

Weights, ratios, measures, conversions.

- So?

- So I talked to teacher Dan

and you can take last week's test.

This is how I'm gonna teach you.

♪ When I want that feeling ♪

♪ Got to keep believing ♪

♪ Reach out for my love ♪

♪ For my love ♪

♪ Well he said it and he meant it ♪

♪ And it fit like a glove ♪

♪ When he reached out for my love ♪

♪ For my love ♪

♪ Mama says she knows
just the thing to do ♪

♪ Make him reach out for my love ♪

♪ Reach out for my love ♪

♪ She must get it 'cause
she's done it before ♪

♪ Make him reach out for my love ♪

♪ Reach out for my love ♪

- You know no one does that, right?

- Yeah, but it's gonna taste good.

- It's fine, it's fine, it's cute.

- It might taste good.

- Yeah, you're right.

- I told teacher Dan
you'd get a better score

on your test so don't let me down.

- No promises.

- You'll do fine.

- Thank you.

- I know I can be a bit tough sometimes.

- All the time.

- But I heard what you said

and hopefully this time I don't fail.

- You didn't fail.

- Good, 'cause I've never
failed anything before.

- But you need to be more messy.

- Like this?

- I'm glad I gave you those condoms.

- I--

- I don't wanna hear it.

Just be smart and be safe

and do what you want with who you want.

- How was your weekend?

- Good, you?

- Same.

- Hey, Lanie, do you
wanna come give a talk

at the Power Suits Club
meeting on Thursday?

- Really?

- Yeah, way to take control
of your sexual power.

- Ladies, if we could focus, please.

♪ Looking for a reason ♪

♪ To be a lover not a weary soul ♪

♪ I wrote a message in a bottle ♪

♪ I threw it out into
the wide wide world ♪

♪ Why do I have to be drowning in misery ♪

♪ Come on and discover me now ♪

♪ Take in stride again ♪

♪ Listening to my friends ♪

♪ Telling me to figure it out ♪

♪ Then you came into my life ♪

♪ Is it true or in my mind ♪

♪ Touch me now ♪

♪ Carry me home ♪

♪ Feel me now ♪

♪ Never alone ♪

♪ Searching for love ♪

♪ I want it any kind of way ♪

♪ Give it to me every day ♪

♪ I'm not going anywhere ♪

♪ Someone get me out of here ♪

♪ Why does it gotta be
shrouded in mystery ♪

♪ Come on stop playing around ♪

♪ Why am I here again
listening to my friends ♪

♪ Telling me to figure it out ♪

♪ Then you came into my life ♪

♪ Is it true or in my mind ♪

♪ Touch me now ♪

♪ Carry me home ♪

♪ Feel me now ♪

♪ Never alone ♪

♪ Touch me now ♪

♪ Carry me home ♪

♪ Feel me now ♪