Bananas (1971) - full transcript

Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports
is in the little Republic of San Marcos

where we're going to bring you a live,
on-the-spot assassination.

They're going to kill the president
of this lovely Latin American country

and replace him
with a military dictatorship,

and everybody is about as excited
and tense as can be.

The weather on this
Sunday afternoon is perfect,

and if you've just joined us,
we've seen a series of colourful riots

that started with the traditional bombing
of the American Embassy,

a ritual as old as the city itself.

Following that, the leader
of the Labour Union, Julio Doaz,

was dragged from his home
and beaten by an angry mob.



It was one of the most exciting
spectacles I've ever seen.

We'll probably have
a videotape replay of that later on.

All around, there are
colourful flags and hats.

And now the moment
we've been waiting for is here.

Everyone is getting quiet.

The president is going to leave his office
and walk down the steps of the palace.

For that, we're going down
on the playing area.

Take it away, Howard.

This is tremendous, Don, just tremendous.

The atmosphere heavy, uncertain,
overtones of ugliness.

A reminder, in a way, of how it was
in March of 1964 at Miami Beach

when Clay met Liston for the first time

and nobody was certain
how it would turn out.

The crowd is tense.
They've been here since ten this morning.



And... And I think I see...
the door beginning to open.

El presidente may be coming out.

The door opens. It's he.

It's El presidente.

A bullet rings out.

He turns!

And down!

It's over. It's all over for
El presidente!

This reporter is going to get to him,
if he can, through this mob

for one last word before he expires.

As you can see,
this crowd is not to be trifled with.

They're in a frenzy. They're trying
to get over to El presidente

even as I am trying to do now.

Would you people let me through?
This is American television.

American television.
Please let me through.

We're getting through now.

Here we are. Here we are, sir.

Sir, you've been shot.
When did you know it was all over?

Fascist... dictator.

Well, of course you're upset.

That's understandable
under the circumstances.

I guess now you'll have to announce
your retirement.

Well, good luck to you, sir.
Good luck to you.

And now, if you folks will bear
with me for a moment,

I'm going to try and get in a word
with the new dictator of San Marcos.

That's assuming I can get through
this noisy and demonstrative crowd.

I wonder if you people
would let me through.

I see the general off in the distance.

The new dictator
talking to one of his men.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

General. General, congratulations.
General Emilio Molina Vargas.

General, a word from you,
if you will, sir, for our viewers.

For many years,
I have waited for this day,

but now I am the state.

You may say that, sir,
but many important diplomats contend

that you remain
the most hated man in the state.

I will shut down the newspapers.
I will train my soldiers.

We'll find the rebels.

The rebels may be in the form of democratic
guerrilla factions off in the hills.

No, sir. We'll find them.
We'll find them, don't worry.

- Good luck to you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.

Well, you've heard it with your own eyes.

Now we're going to have to see
what the future brings.

Right now, from the little dictatorship
of San Marcos in Latin America,

let's go back to Jim McLane
in our studios in New York.

Gentlemen, the Exec-usiser.

The latest work-in-progress
at General Equipment.

It's only in the development stage
at the moment,

but it should be practical
and in the market within two years.

It certainly looks impressive.

The Exec-usiser is a device

to help busy executives
getting their daily exercise

without ever pausing
in their crowded work schedule.

As you well know, more Americans
suffer heart attacks from lack of exercise.

And you know why? Well, it's because
there aren't enough hours in the day

to keep physically fit and still function
effectively in one's business.

This is Mr Fielding Mellish,
one of our company's research testers,

who will demonstrate the Exec-usiser.

You'll notice every part of the body
receives an adequate exercise work-out.

The pedalling action develops the muscles
and keeps the leg muscles flexible.

When Mr Mellish pulls the drawer out,
you'll see a weight

that has to be lifted on top of the desk,

which exercises his arms
and his back muscles.

You'll notice that the telephones
are both spring-activated.

Now, in that spring-activation,
both muscles in the biceps

are given an adequate work-out
to sustain flexible arms.

And on the back wall, you'll notice
there's a handle for each arm.

As he pulls those handles,
the back muscles are brought into action

in a manner that keeps
the back flexible and strong.

Notice the basketballs
coming from inside the machine,

and the basketballs, as they're handled
by Mr Mellish, develop reflexes.

Any idea how many you can put out a year?

Well, we'd like you to manufacture them.

We can let you have the idea,
we can let you have our package.

We can let you have the whole thing
on a royalty basis.

We can show you how to turn it out.
We can show you how to save money.

- And you think it'll sell?
- No question it'll sell.

If we can get it in the office,
we can get it in the armed forces.

Oh, boy, I'd like to do that.

You'll do business with the US government.

I'm not suited to this job.

Where do I come off testing products?
Machines hate me.

I should be working at a job
that I have some kind of aptitude for.

Like donating sperm
to an artificial insemination lab.

Every day we gotta hear this.

Why did I quit college?
I could've been something today.

So, what would you have been
if you had finished school?

I don't know.
I was in the Black Studies programme.

By now, I could've been black.

- ...consistent loser at the table.
- That's my weakness. I lose a lot.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do tonight.
- Get a date. We'll double.

- OK, I'll call Barbara.
- All right, have her bring a friend.

- Forget it.
- What's the matter?

I had a date with a girl. She called it off.
There's a dock strike.

Why don't you see what Norma's doing?
She's always ready for action.

Who?

You, er... You busy tonight?

Some old friends are coming over.

We're gonna show some pornographic movies.

You need an usher?

Aw... you're cute.

I'm busy.

Get a copy of Time magazine,

and I think I'll take Commentary
and the Saturday Review.

And, er... let's see, Newsweek.

I'll just... grab one of these.

Take 'em all.

Fifty, a dollar, dollar and a quarter...

Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of Orgasm?

- Just put 'em in a bag, will you?
- What?

Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy.
How much is it?

Doing a sociological study on perversion.

I'm up to advanced child molesting.

Come back. Back, back. More, more, more.

Back, back, back.

Hi. I'm collecting names on a petition

to request the United States government
to break relations with San Marcos

which is being ruled
by a total military brutal dictatorship

opposed to any concept of civil liberties.
Would you sign?

Sure.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I broke the point.
- Oh... Oh, that's OK.

Want to come in? I have a pencil.
And I'll give you another pencil.

Oh, good.

Sorry.

I don't know if you've been following it
in the newspapers,

but soon there's gonna be a revolution
in San Marcos,

and we feel that the United States
should give full support to the rebels

and not the dictatorship, which,
as you know, has been our history.

May I ask, what do you do?

I'm a products tester
for a large corporation.

I make sure products
are safe and practical.

Today I tested an exercise machine

and an electrically warmed
toilet seat for cold days.

Would you like some coffee or something?

If you're hungry, I could open
a can of ribs if you want.

Ribs? I'd love some coffee,
but I have a lot of work to do.

Here, I'll make you some. It'll take
two seconds to make some coffee.

Let me ask you, how can I find out
more about your cause?

'Cause I have a lot of spare time.

Oh, would you like to volunteer
for the Volunteers for San Marcos?

Is it possible to discuss that
over dinner tomorrow night?

Doesn't have to be tomorrow night.
I'm wide open for the next six years.

Oh, I have a yoga class tomorrow night
and I couldn't miss that.

Yoga night? I love yoga.

Do you really?
Yoga - it's one of my great passions.

I love Eastern philosophies.

It's... metaphysical and redundant.

- Yes.
- Abortively pedantic.

- I know just what you mean.
- Thank you.

Have you ever read the I Ching?

Not the actual Ching itself,
but I've dabbled in Kierkegaard.

- Oh, well, of course he's Danish.
- Yes.

He'd be the first to admit that.

Yeah...

Yeah.

You know, I was just saying to...
Have you ever been to Denmark?

I've been to... Yes, to the Vatican.

The Vatican? The Vatican's in Rome.

Well, they were doing so well in Rome
that they opened one in Denmark.

You know, I was just saying to someone
the other day that the Scandinavians

seem to have such an instinctive feel
for the human condition.

That's very wise.
You know, that's... I think, pithy.

Oh, well... It was... pithy.

It had... great pith.

Yeth. Pith.

Pith.

Well, lithen, I have to...

Listen, I have to go now.
I have a lot of work to do.

I'd love to have coffee,
but I really don't have time.

I have a lot of bells to ring,

- and I have an early class tomorrow.
- It'll just take a second.

I know, but I have more bells to ring
and I have an early class tomorrow.

- Really? You a student?
- Yeah. City College.

Oh, that's a great school.
I ate in their cafeteria once.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I got trichinosis.

- I'm a philosophy major.
- That's a wonderful subject.

That's a wonderful thing.
What is the meaning of life and death?

And why are we here and everything.
You like Chinese food?

Oh, yeah. That sounds... Oh... when?

Erm... the night after tomorrow?

That's... No, I can't. I have a meeting
of my women's liberation group.

You're not... You don't have
hostility to the male sex?

Oh, women's rights
do not automatically mean castration.

Oh... don't say that word.

Now I've got to walk around
like this for two days.

Oh! Oh, I know. You know,
I'm that way on that word appendicitis.

- Oh, I can't take that.
- But castration!

Castration, appendicitis. Either one.

- No, there's a difference.
- No, there isn't.

What about Saturday?

Listen, why don't you take
my phone number here...

...and call me on Sat... oh!

Call me on Saturday. OK?
It's those two pieces right there.

OK? Bye. I may be bombing
an office building, but I'll find out.

- OK. It was nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you, too.

Oh, wait. You forgot to sign my petition.

Sorry.

Ah, Nancy. You may call me Fielding.

I think Mr Mellish is a little formal.

Ah, the two of us together.

Fielding from the Latin meaning
"strong" or "with strength".

You'll come to lean on that strength
after a while

and to know you can rely on me.

I've always been a great champion
of the underdog.

I think anyone
could tell you that, my pet.

See, Nancy, I've...
I've always been devoted to humanity.

To a guy like me, the greatest crimes
are the crimes against human dignity.

How is it, Mellish?
Can you hear the music clearly?

This should be
a great seller in California.

Listen, Mellish, you wanna
play poker tonight? We got room.

- I can't. I got an appointment.
- What kind of appointment?

- I'm gonna picket an embassy.
- What?

All right, don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.

It's... It's a little light.

I'll get the shade.

- Do you have any candles?
- No. Why?

This light for the mood -
it's not right, right now.

That's too light.

- Is it warm in here?
- Warm?

Warm.

Where's the bathroom?

- The bathroom?
- Right there.

Shit!

Leave a little air.

I love you. I love you.

Oh, say it in French.
Please say it in French.

- I don't know French.
- Oh, please. Please.

What about Hebrew?

I was... I was always very shy
when it came to girls. I...

I remember when I was a little boy, I...

I once stole a pornographic book
that was printed in Braille,

and I used to rub the dirty parts.

And I... I guess I had a good relationship
with my parents. I...

They very rarely hit...

I think they hit me once, actually,
in my whole childhood.

They started beating me
on the 23rd December 1942

and stopped beating me
in the late spring of '44.

Erm... and I was a nervous child.
I was a bed-wetter.

When I was younger,
I used to sleep with an electric blanket

and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

It's funny, I had this dream
that I've had since I was a child.

I had it again one night last week.

Where I'm...

I have to tell you something
and I don't know how to break it.

- Oh, Fielding...
- Why? Is something the matter?

Have you seen X-rays of me?

- What?
- I saw X-rays of you.

- I fail to see the humour of this.
- Oh, you didn't see the X-rays?

- What? Tell me what's the matter.
- No, nothing.

You know when your heart beats?

- I know. I know.
- Well, my heart is beating.

I just don't think we should
see each other anymore.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.
- Why? What's the matter?

There's just something missing for me
and I don't know what.

What do you mean?
Something missing from me?

- Yes.
- What do you mean? Like what?

Like... Like...

Can you say what is missing from me?

Well... no. Maybe if you could guess
a few things, I could try.

- What do you mean? Can you tell me?
- Something missing.

I don't know what it is.

- Is it personality or looks?
- Well, no.

- Am I not smart enough?
- No.

- Is that what you're saying?
- No.

- You mean...
- It has nothing to do with height?

No, it has nothing to do
with the fact that you're short,

and it has nothing to do with the fact
that you're not bright enough.

And it has nothing to do with the fact
that your teeth are in bad shape.

So what, then? I don't understand.
Has it got to do with...

It's not my personality.
Do you have fun when you're with me?

No... But it's not that.

I mean, it's not
that I don't have fun with you...

We have fun when we laugh.
Don't tell me that we haven't laughed.

- It's not that we haven't laughed.
- Certainly I laugh a lot.

- Sometimes you don't laugh and...
- I can't put my finger on it.

- Something's missing.
- Well, what's missing?

- Can you be specific?
- The relationship isn't going anywhere.

- Where do you want to it go?
- Where could we get it to go?

Well, that's not...
I don't know where. I love you.

I mean, I love you and you love me.

No. And it's not because I don't love you.

- Then you love me?
- No, I don't.

- That's what I mean...
- But that's not the reason why.

Just something is missing.
I need a very strong man.

- It's communication, right? I'm strong!
- I need a leader.

I'm a leader!
I have all the qualities of leadership.

I'm interested
in so many vital political things.

- Me, too. That binds us together.
- I wanna work with pygmies in Africa.

And I wanna work with lepers
on a leper colony.

I'm willing to... No, it's perfectly OK.

I love leprosy.

If that's what you're asking me.
I'm perfectly willing to...

I like leprosy. I like cholera.
I like all the major skin diseases.

- You're immature, Fielding.
- How am I immature?

Emotionally, sexually and intellectually.

Yeah, but what other ways?

Well, then maybe it's my fault.

- Maybe I just can't give.
- What do you mean, you can't give?

- Then why don't you receive, and I'll give.
- I'm not ready to receive.

Then you give and I'll receive.

I can't receive... Oh!

Well, you see, I'm a person
who can only receive if another is giving.

- Well, I can't give. I'm sorry.
- If we each receive, it might work.

I can't receive. My trouble is I'm receiving
and I'm not able to give or to receive.

But I would like to give
if you could receive.

I can't receive.
I don't know how I can help you.

- I really don't.
- See, if we both receive or both give...

I told you,
I can't receive and I can't give.

It's not going to work out.
It's no use, Fielding. I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Don't worry about me, sweetheart.
I'm like a cat.

I'll always wind up on my feet.

Can you believe that?
She says I'm not leader enough for her.

- Who's she looking for? Hitler?
- Women are very temperamental.

We went everyplace together.
We did everything. We fell in love.

- I fell in love. She just stood there.
- Did you have trouble with her in bed?

Are you kidding?

Do I look like the kind of guy
that would have trouble in bed?

- I didn't. I didn't.
- Was that any reason to quit the job?

I'm so depressed. I'd kill myself
if I thought that she would marry me.

- What are you gonna do?
- I gotta get out of here.

I'm going down to San Marcos.

We were gonna go down there
together on a trip.

We were gonna write a paper on it.

She was gonna write it.
I was gonna type it.

I gotta see what conditions
down there are like.

Jesus. Life is so cruel.

See what I mean?

- Hi, Mum. Hi, Dad.
- Fielding.

- I don't mean to disturb you.
- Sponge.

I wanted to tell you that tomorrow
I'm gonna be going out of the country.

What? Why are you going
out of the country now?

- It's a very long story...
- Martin, Martin. A girl?

- So what are you gonna do?
- I'm going down to South America.

- To a country called San Marcos.
- I've never heard of it, dear.

- Forceps.
- And...

- Forceps, Ruth!
- Are they nice people there?

Nice? Well, it's a turbulent situation,

- and I've been following it for a while.
- Sure you've been following it.

You should've stayed in school
and followed study.

- I have a son myself...
- Will you stay out of this, please?

Sorry.

Ruth, don't talk to him about going away.

Talk to him about going to college
to become a doctor.

- Who will I leave this hospital to?
- Will you cool it, Martin?

Don't get on his back. Let him alone.

Dr Mellish, you should let him
have his own way.

Ruth, we've been married 27 years.

My name isn't Martin. It's Al.

Al Mellish, remember?

I wanted my son to be a great surgeon.

- I have no aptitude...
- Yes, you do, son.

Listen to me, son. You can do this.
You can be a fine surgeon.

- Look, take over. Give me a clamp.
- No!

- Fielding can't...
- Quickly, give me a clamp.

Give me that. Here, take this, son.

- Oh, Martin!
- Finish this operation for me.

No, I can't. It's ridiculous.

- Why are you bossing Fielding?
- It's so ridiculous.

He might lose the patient.
You know Fielding.

Sponge. Jesus.

- I'll finish this one, but...
- That's better.

- I didn't even wash.
- Right there.

- I've got it in there.
- Now take the clamp and take it out.

Should that be blue like that?

- Where?
- Right there.

- Fielding, go.
- Wait one second.

- God bless you, but go.
- I'm doing my best. He's pressuring me.

- Yes.
- Put your finger right there.

- Fielding, get out of here.
- Your father doesn't give you...

- Fielding, go!
- South America... tomorrow.

God bless you.

Go. Gesundheit.

- I've got to go.
- You're really going?

You're losing the patient
while we're talking.

- Nurse.
- Listen to me.

Incidentally, do you think you could
get me out of here by 7 o'clock tonight?

I'm going to the theatre.

And now, as is our annual custom,

each citizen of San Marcos
will come up here

and present His Excellency
with his weight in horse manure.

Horse manure?
I thought they were diamonds.

- We are an agrarian country.
- Yes, but...

You will fertilise your personal crops.

Sometimes food is more valuable than gold.

We captured this rebel soldier
this morning, Excellency.

Has he given us any information
about when they plan to strike?

Not yet, but he will when our men
get through working him over.

# Tramp, tramp, tramp,
the road is free... #

We keep playing to him
the entire score of Naughty Marietta.

- It will make him talk.
- Oh, please. No more.

I can't stand operetta. Please.

Talk, you fool,
and we'll stop the phonograph.

I'll talk. I'll talk.
But please turn it off. Please.

When is the revolution set for?

The first week of July.

You're a liar.
That's only two months away.

No... no.

Esposito is timing it to coincide
with the American Fourth of July,

so as to imitate his hero
George Washington.

Where does he get enough weaponry?

Esposito has a way of getting weapons,
but I do not know the plan.

Time is getting short, but I have a plan.

His Excellency Emilio Molina Vargas

requests the pleasure of your company
at dinner this evening.

- What?
- Dinner at the palace, 8pm.

Dinner with Vargas?

Dinner with the president?

Dinner with the president.

Dinner with the president.

Oh, excuse me, señor.

I was trying to find
someplace for practice.

Ah, Señor Fielding.

This is Colonel Diaz...
and Lieutenant Arroyo.

Señor Fielding, may I say
what a great pleasure it is

to entertain an American intellectual?

Somebody with whom I can exchange
contemporary political ideas and opinions.

- I brought you some cake.
- Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, these are prunes. I like cherry.

They don't make cherry on Tuesday.

Señor Fielding, dinner is served.
Will you please?

May be some poison in my food...
but I am OK.

I have been poisoned so many times,
I have developed an immunity.

You're not tense... are you?

Tense? No.

- Dinner was delicious.
- Thank you, sir. The check, sir.

- Who had the roast beef?
- I had.

That's 12.60...

- Who had the corned beef and cabbage?
- That was mine.

I don't understand something.

There's two roast beefs on here.
What did you have?

- Chilli con carne.
- Chilli con carne. There's two roast beefs.

- There's an extra roast beef.
- I had only one roast beef.

- There's one chilli, there's two roast...
- Who had the chilli?

- I had the chilli.
- Are you on Diners Club?

- You have Bank of America?
- Yes.

- All right.
- Here you go.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Let's go to the salón for a brandy.

Can you keep it down?
I'm getting a headache.

And so I want to do only
what is right for my people.

That is to protect them from communism.

I am sure you understand that.

Yes, but Esposito and his rebels
are not communists.

- They are communists.
- Well, I think I know a bit about politics.

I'll pick it up. Excuse me.

If I give a better life to my people,

I have to exterminate a few troublemakers.

That's the price we pay.

Yeah, look, I gotta be going.
It's... late for me.

It has been a real pleasure
to have this little chat with you.

Thank you.

- Viva San Marcos.
- Viva.

Viva.

Excuse me.

- He is perfect.
- I could kill him now.

He brings cake for a group of people.
He doesn't even bring an assortment.

You cannot forget that?

No, no, we'll kill him as planned -
dressed as rebels.

Then an outraged United States

will see how bloodthirsty beasts
Esposito and his men are

and we'll get all the support we need.

When can our men get the rebel uniforms?

I spoke with the tailor's.

He's going on vacation, and then
he needs three days for the alterations.

Too long. We'll get another tailor.

But he does such nice work.

Take a look at this jacket -
it was much too big.

He took it in for me.
And he doesn't even charge much.

No, no, no. We get another tailor.

I want it to look like the rebels killed him
not later than tomorrow afternoon.

- Here he comes.
- I don't feel good in these clothes.

Nor do I. He made cuffs in my pants.

- What kind of tailoring is this?
- He's not our regular man.

Do the best you can.

So long, suckers.

Hey, wake up. Esposito wants to see you.
You all right? Hey, wake up.

- Hey, you, wake up.
- Señor Fielding?

Esposito wants to see you.

Where am I?

Please, no more Polish women.

We are in the rebel camp with Esposito.

Blood. That should be on the inside.

- Esposito wants to see you. Come on.
- Esposito tried to kill me.

It was Vargas that tried to kill you,
but in the uniforms of our people.

So your government would blame Esposito.

Come on. Come on.

I'm Fielding Mellish.

Vargas has told everyone
that you are dead.

That we killed you.

It is in all the newspapers.

Yeah, well, I'm very much alive,
and I mean to lodge a formal complaint.

A complaint?

Yes, you cannot bash in the head
of an American citizen

without written permission
from the State Department.

Vargas cares very little
for diplomatic procedures, my friend.

Yeah, we'll straighten him out.

- I'm afraid you cannot leave here.
- What?

He uses you to make
a big propaganda against us.

The one thing he doesn't want is for you
to show up and tell the world the truth.

So, what do you think will happen
if you show your face anyplace but here?

He will cut your throat and bury you.

Cut my throat?

Do you realise what that will do
to my gargling?

It is war, my friend.

- Yeah, but I'm an American citizen.
- Sure. A dead one.

Just how long will it be
before I can go back to New York?

After we win the revolution, we are free.

- And when is the revolution?
- Six months.

Six months? I got a rented car.

You have a chance to die for freedom.

Yes, well, freedom is wonderful.
On the other hand, if you're dead,

it's a tremendous drawback
to your sex life.

- Are you such a snivelling dog?
- Depends what you mean by "such".

I mean, I'm a good-sized snivelling dog.

History sometimes chooses strange ways.

Today you are fearful.

Perhaps one day you will be a tiger.

Don't hold your breath.
If you ever need a squirrel, call me.

All right, men, let us sing
the song of the rebels.

# Rebels are we, born to be free

# Just like the fish in the sea #

I'll have the grapefruit sections,
two poached eggs,

cinnamon toast and regular coffee.

Perfect.

What the hell is this stuff anyhow?

Lizard.

Uno... dos. Uno... dos.

Uno... dos. Uno... dos.

Uno... dos.

Camouflage can often save your life.

It's essential that you learn the art.

In the event of snakebite,
you make an incision,

and you suck out the poison.

Remember, you suck out the poison.

- What do you do?
- Suck out the poison.

Suck out the poison.

Suck out the poison.

I will not... I cannot suck anybody's leg
who I'm not engaged to.

Snakebite! I got bitten by a snake!

I got bitten by a snake! Help!

Snakebite!

Help! Help!

Our food has run out.
We must make a raid on the town.

It will be very risky.

- You must not go. It is too dangerous.
- I do not mind the risk.

Another will lead the raid.
Not our future president.

- What about sending Fielding?
- Me?

The men have a growing respect for you.

- It is a chance to prove yourself.
- Oh, look, I don't wanna prove anything.

You will fight a hero,

and if necessary, you will die a hero.

You'd better get some rest, Luis.
You're beginning to talk gibberish.

This short straw will go.

Well, as long as it was fair.

- Yes?
- Coffee, please.

- I also want something to go.
- Yes.

Do you have any grilled cheese sandwiches?

- Yes, sir.
- Well, let me have a thousand.

And er...

300 tuna fish... and 200 bacon,
lettuce and tomato sandwiches.

- You want the cheese on rye?
- 490 on rye.

Let me have 110 on whole-wheat...
and 300 on white bread.

- Fernandez wanted on roll.
- And one on roll.

And the tuna?

All the tuna on whole-wheat,

and all the bacon, lettuce and tomato,
let me have with toast.

Right.

And, er... what to drink?

Er... let me have 700 regular coffees,

500 cokes and 1,000 7-Ups.

And also coleslaw for 900 men.

Right.

You want anything with these sandwiches?

Er... mayonnaise on the side.

Right.

- Everything is ready, sir.
- Er... which one is the roll?

I have it right here.

OK. What about the coleslaw?

It's coming, sir.

A delante.

Coleslaw, sir.

That will be 24,000 pesos, sir.

Get your money from Vargas.
We're the rebels.

Let's go. Move this out. Come on.

While we carry out a diversionary raid,

you three will kidnap
the British ambassador.

He will be held until Vargas agrees
to free the sympathisers he has jailed.

I will drive.

You two will seize him,

and you will inject him
with Sodium Pentothal.

Now, once he's asleep,
there will be no trouble.

Should they attack, our men are ready.

They are too weak to defeat me.

We have nothing to worry about them.

We shall continue our policy
of harassment.

Of course, if they're foolish enough
to try to overthrow,

then I have made a deal
for reinforcements with the UJA.

You mean the CIA, Excellency.

The UJA is the United Jewish Appeal.

The United Jewish Appeal?

- Any word on where we're heading for?
- I hear it's San Marcos.

Are we fighting for or against
the government?

CIA's not taking any chances this time.

Some of us are for them and some of us
are gonna be against them.

Viva San Marcos!

Hello, hello? Miami?

Fontainebleau Hotel?

Listen, I want to make a reservation
for one single room. Yes.

What are the... What are your prices?

For a single room?

I can't believe it.
I'm finally going home.

Well, you have earned it.

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna miss everybody here.

- Well, my friends, we have done it.
- You have.

And you. All of us.

At last this country can finally bask
in the sunshine of a true democracia.

A land where no man is better
than the next

and there's equal opportunity for all
and respect for law and order.

Right now, I am the law.

Yes, but soon we'll hold free elections,
let the people choose their own leaders

and you can voluntarily step down
and return to your simple farming.

What's the matter? You look glassy-eyed.

These people are peasants.
They are too ignorant to vote.

- I know, but they have common sense.
- I am the ruler of this country.

There will be no elections
until I decree it.

You're accused of killing
over 1,000 people in your term of office,

of torturing hundreds
of women and children.

- How did you plead?
- Guilty. With an explanation.

Ready... aim... fire!

Er... that's, er... 21. Where's 21?

Ready... aim... fire!

Hear me.

I am your new president.

From this day on,

the official language
of San Marcos will be Swedish.

Silence.

In addition to that,

all citizens will be required

to change their underwear

every half hour.

Underwear will be worn on the outside,

so we can check.

Furthermore,
all children under 16 years old

are now 16 years old.

What's the Spanish word
for "straitjacket"?

The power has driven him mad.

We must have a new leader.

Another must represent
the revolution immediately.

Yeah, but who?

It must be someone
willing to put his life in peril

and willing to carry on

against all the terrible hazards
that await us.

I know you're gonna find the guy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I was due at my mother's house for dinner

eight months ago.

- Fine. I'm going home.
- No. The revolution will fail without you.

- Why me?
- Because the men respect you.

You always loved our cause.

Besides, compared to these men,
you are educated.

What is this with my education?
I had two days of college.

I need three years and 363 days
to get a degree.

This is a country of peasants.
At least you can read.

I don't want to be president.
You're making a big mistake.

You gotta be smart to be a president.
Let me be vice-president.

That's a real idiot's job.

You're looking at me
in a strange way, fellas.

Look, I...

I'm gonna be president, right?

The Americans won't recognise us,
'cause they think we're communists.

The communists won't recognise us,
'cause they think we're American puppets.

The one person who recognises us
was arrested on a morals charge.

- We need money.
- What is the chief export of San Marcos?

Dysentery.

We grow bananas.

Bananas, bananas.

If I could only think of a way to convince
the United States to give us money.

Get me Sanchez.

I don't know, my friend,

but without it, the revolution will fail.

Thousands will have died in vain,

and soon a new dictator will seize power.

Hello?

- It's me.
- Oh, yes.

I'm perturbed over the economic situation.

You must go to the United States.
You must convince them.

- They will listen to you.
- Me?

You're the president of San Marcos.

Yes, over here I'm president,
but over there I'm a college dropout.

But they don't know.
After all, Señor Fielding Mellish is dead.

I can't hear you.
I think we have a bad connection.

Hang up. I will call you back.

You know, I actually think that I probably
could go to the United States and fake it.

I know you can do it, Fielding.

I'll bet that I could.

I am Mr Hernandez,
the official interpreter.

- Welcome to the United States.
- Welcome to United States.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Did you have a good flight?
- You have a good flight?

- Yes, I did.
- Yes, I did.

- We hope your stay in our country...
- We hope your stay in our country...

- ...will be delightful.
- ...will be delightful.

- I am looking forward to it...
- I am looking forward to it...

- ...with great anticipation.
- ...with great anticipation.

Get these people out of here.

- Bill Simmons. This is Tom Sloan. FBI.
- Mr President.

We're here to see
that your safety is ensured.

We'll act as your shield
in the event of trouble.

Look out!

We missed him. We get most of them.

What am I appearing
at a fundraising dinner for?

I don't know the first thing
about public speaking.

All you have to do is open up
with a joke, a funny story.

Once you have them laughing,
then you hit them for money. Simple.

Very simple. Open with a funny story,
and then hit 'em for money.

I'm... I'm reminded tonight of the...

of the farmer who had

incestuous relations with both
his daughters simultaneously...

It's the... It's... It's the...

It's the... wrong crowd for this joke.

Although the United States
is a very rich country,

and San Marcos is a very poor one,

there are a great many things we have
to offer your country in return for aid.

For instance, there... there are locusts.

We... we have more locusts than...

Locusts of all races and creeds...

These locusts, incidentally,
are available at popular prices.

So, by the way,
are most of the women of San Marcos.

Now, then, despite
the tiny size of our nation,

few people realise
that we lead the world in hernias.

They also fail to realise that before
Columbus discovered your country,

he stopped in San Marcos
and contracted a disease

which can today be cured
with one shot of penicillin.

It's the same person, all right.

This whole thing smacks of conspiracy,
if you ask me.

You realise what a communist missile
base in San Marcos would do to us?

Plus he has a history of subversive acts,

demonstrations, and peace marches.

This man is attempting the overthrow
of the United States government.

All right...

Let's pick him up
and throw the book at him.

We'll make an example of this... hepcat.

Hi. I hope I'm not being pushy,
but I just have always wanted to meet you.

I... I don't mean to bother you,
but I think that you are terrific.

Really terrific, and, erm...

me and my friends have
backed you from the very beginning

of this career of yours.

And I... We... I... I'm awestruck.

I really don't know what to say.

You know, it's very funny, but you
remind me of somebody that I once knew.

A boy. He... He was really...
No, he was really nothing like you.

I mean, you're terrific.
He was just this little stupid clown.

You know, just... I don't know
why I even mentioned it, but...

He was, er... He was, er...

He was an idiot.
You know, a real idiot and, er...

Would you... Would you mind
if I kissed you... once?

Could I... kiss you once?

Oh, that was wonderful.
It was practically a religious experience.

- I have a confession to make.
- What, love?

I'm Fielding Mellish.

Oh, my God.

I knew something was missing.

Good evening.
I'm Roger Grimsby with the news at six.

Today's top stories:

The United States government
brings charges against Fielding Mellish

as a subversive imposter.

New York garbage men are striking
for a better class of garbage.

And the National Rifle Association
declares death a good thing.

Details on these
and other stories in a moment.

Fielding Mellish,
the President of San Marcos,

goes on trial tomorrow for fraud,
inciting to riot,

conspiracy to overthrow the government

and using the word "thighs"
in mixed company.

Please rise. Court is now in session.
Judge Seymour Watson presiding.

The People versus Fielding Mellish.

I object, Your Honour.
This trial is a travesty.

It's a travesty of a mockery
of a sham of a mockery

of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

I move for a mistrial.

Do you realise there's
not a single homosexual on that jury?

Yes, there is.

Oh, really? Which one?
Is it the big guy at the end?

Call the first witness.

- And you remember Fielding Mellish?
- He's got a record.

He was always being picked up
at one demonstration or another.

He's a bad apple, a commie.

A New York Jewish intellectual
communist crackpot.

I mean, I don't wanna cast no aspersions.

Your witness.

Officer Dowd, have you ever had
sexual relations with a girl

with really big breasts?

- Yes, sir. I did.
- Mm-hmm.

- And how did you find it?
- Very erotic.

I was... I was just checking.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

- Name?
- J. Edgar Hoover.

Occupation?

Head of the
Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Tell the court
why you're dressed like this.

I have many enemies and I rarely go out
unless I'm in disguise.

Mr Hoover, in your opinion,

is Fielding Mellish a threat
to the security of the United States?

Enough to have his phone tapped.

'Hello?'

'Hello? Who is this?'

'Who is this?

'Hello? Who is this?

'Can you hold on one second?

'Walter, it's for you.'

All right, I did it!

I did it! I'm guilty!

But I couldn't take it anymore.

She kept tormenting me.

Egging me on.

Making a fool of me!

Isn't this Epstein vs. Epstein?

I'm sorry, I...

Sorry.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but I've known Fielding Mellish for years,

and he's a warm, wonderful human being.

Would the clerk
read that statement back, please?

"I've known Fielding Mellish for years,

"and he is a rotten, conniving,
dishonest little rat."

OK, I just wanted to make sure
you were getting it.

You're out of order.

- Name?
- Sharon Craig.

- And you are?
- Miss America.

# O mio babbino caro

# Mi piace, è bello, bello

# Vo'andare in Porta Rossa

# A comperar l'anello

# Sì, sì, ci voglio andare

# E se l'amassi indarno #

Tell the court why you think
he is a traitor to this country.

I think Mr Mellish
is a traitor to this country

because his views are different
from the views of the president

and others of his kind.

Differences of opinion
should be tolerated,

but not when they're too different.

Then he becomes a subversive mother.

Call Fielding Mellish.

Mr Mellish... what is your nationality?

Well, you... you might say
I have two nationalities.

Are you being coy?

Well, I am an American citizen
and also the President of San Marcos.

I would not joke with this court
if I were you.

Wouldn't you or couldn't you?

That's enough.

Does the code name Sapphire
mean anything to you?

It doesn't. I swear to God.

You swear to God and yet you have
no compunction about teaching evolution.

Where were you on the night of June 23rd?

If you cannot resist disrupting the court,

I order the marshal to bind and gag you.

And so you followed Fielding Mellish

and overheard him make treasonous
remarks about this country?

I did.

Your witness.

Yes, I did.

No. I don't remember.

No!

Don't put words in my mouth!

Yes.

Yes, it's true. I lied!

Ladies and gentlemen,
you will retire for your verdict.

Good evening. I'm Roger Grimsby
with the news at six.

A verdict has been reached
in the Fielding Mellish case.

I'll have details in one moment.

- Stick in your throat, son?
- These cigarettes, Father.

- What brand are you smoking?
- These.

- Well, those are for sinners.
- Oh?

- Try these New Testament cigarettes.
- New Testament?

They've got the revolutionary
incense filter.

I'll try one.

What do you think?

Good flavour. Smooth, too.

You stick to New Testament cigarettes,
and all is forgiven.

Thank you, Father.

New Testament cigarettes.

I smoke 'em.

He smokes 'em.

Fielding Mellish was found guilty
today on 12 counts of treason

and was sentenced to 15 years in prison.

The judge suspended the sentence
in return for the promise

that Mellish will not
move into his neighbourhood.

Nancy, now that this whole thing is over,

do you think there is there any possibility
that maybe we could get married?

Oh, I'd love to.

- Would you?
- Yes.

I mean, being in women's lib,
you'll need somebody to support you.

- Fielding, do you love me?
- Of course I love you.

No, but do you love me?
You know what I mean?

Yes, I love you. I love you.

Can you, like, define the meaning of love?

What do you mean, "define"?
It's love. I love you.

I want you in a way of cherishing
your totality and your otherness

and in the sense of a presence and
a being and a whole coming and going

in a room with grapefruit
and a love of a thing, of nature

and a sense of not wanting or being
jealous of the thing a person possesses.

Do you have any gum?

Good evening. Wide World of Sports
is here in the Royal Manhattan Hotel

for a live, on-the-spot telecast
of the Fielding Mellish honeymoon night.

Mellish and his new bride
were married this morning

in a civil ceremony in downtown Manhattan.

The bride wore the traditional
virginal white, as did Mellish.

Following that, they had dinner

and are both now ready
for the consummation of their marriage.

The turnout has been gigantic,

and here for a play-by-play
description is Howard Cosell.

Take it away, Howard.

You join us with the action
just about to start.

Yes, indeed.

Here comes the bride,
and she's got a lot of fans here.

They are tense, but they swell
to a tremendous cheer.

And, as I think is apparent,
she is in very good physical condition.

And here comes Mellish.
Listen to that crowd roar.

He's wearing a green corduroy suit,
jogging and bobbing down the aisle,

buttressed by his trainer
and his handlers.

The action has started.

They approach one another cautiously.
Nothing unique about that.

Now... Mellish begins to make
his moves and so does Nancy.

The two are working together closely,

the action growing more rigorous.

It is swift, rhythmic, coordinated.

What's that?
A cut over Mellish's right eye.

The doctor comes in to examine the cut.

No, it will not be stopped. It continues.

I tell you, ladies and gentlemen,

although you can see for yourselves,
I have never seen action like this.

That's it. It's over.

It's all over.
The marriage has been consummated.

Nancy and Fielding Mellish, in the most
real sense, are now man and wife,

and if it's humanly possible, I'm gonna
break through these fans to talk to the two.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Nancy, I know that this is very personal...
- Hello, Howard.

...but was it everything you expected?

Well, Howard, it all went by so fast.
I just had no idea that it'd be so quick.

Really, I was expecting a longer bout.

No difficulties of any kind?

Well, as you know,
I'm extraordinarily ticklish,

so I had a kind of rough time there.
I couldn't stop laughing, and I just...

You know, I thought
it'd really get in my way, but...

I really trained well for this
and I think it held me,

so there really wasn't any time
that I didn't feel in complete control.

How about you, Fielding?
I was concerned about that cut.

I thought they might stop the action.
Did you have that feeling?

Yes, Howard. I thought
that I'd have to finish it up quick,

'cause I thought the referee
might come in and stop it,

but I knew I was leading at that point,

and I was just hoping that they'd
let me go all the way and I did.

- No disappointments at all?
- Well, I had heard he'd be in great shape.

And I felt that he... he wasn't,

that he could use a little seasoning.

You know, the timing was a little off,
but I think he'll be fine.

I mean, he's not the worst I've had.
Not the best, but not the worst.

Are you offended
by what Nancy just said, Fielding?

I'm not offended, but I don't agree with that.
I was in great shape.

I thought I had her in real trouble
with the right hand up early,

and I was in good form -
my breathing was good.

I've been training very hard for this,
and I just gave a hundred per cent.

When do you anticipate your next bout?

I think we could probably
do this again in the late spring.

- Are you...
- In the late spring?

Well, I think I'll be ready
by the late spring...

- As long as the late spring?
- Yes, I am...

I think we should leave
the happy couple on that note.

It's hard to tell
what may happen in the future,

but they may live happily ever after.
Again, they may not.

Be assured of this, though.
Wherever the action is, we will be there

with ABC's Wide World of Sports
to cover it.

Now, on behalf of
Nancy and Fielding Mellish

and all of the others
who have made this possible,

this is Howard Cosell
thanking you for joining us

and wishing you
a most pleasant good night.

# Some people take me for a fool

# 'Cause I believe in giving

# They seem to take me for a fool

# 'Cause I believe in sunshine

# And things I never learned in school

# Take me

# Take me

# And you'll make me

# So glad to be so foolish

# So take me for a fool #