Banana Split (2018) - full transcript

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ If you're looking at me
then I know you can tell

♪ But you know that I know
'cause you know me so well

♪ If you're looking at me
then I hear what you say

♪ But if you're not
looking at me

♪ Then I'm lookin' away

♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh

♪ I'm lookin' away

[HORN HONKING]

[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]



Hey. You need a ride?

So you're still riding the bus
with all the ninth graders?

Okay, I like
public transportation.

It lets me stay in touch
with the youth.

What happens when all the
youth get their licenses

and you're the last one
on the bus?

Sick Top 40, bro.

It is sick, actually.

In what circles?

In all the circles.
That's why it's Top 40.

Fuckin' touche.

You wanna hear sick?

Oh, no.

[NICK SIGHS]



[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

What?

APRIL: Is it weird he isn't here?
NICK: Who?

Ben!

No.

Why?

Because you guys
have a conjoined vagina.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You want a bite
of my corned beef sandwich?

Uh-uh.

Why do you close yourself off to all of
life's miracles like this? Live a little.

I don't wanna eat anything
that has to be "corned."

You don't like
my corned beef sandwiches...

- you don't like my music.
- Mmm-hmm.

I don't think
that's how friends work.

I guess we have
nothing in common.

Maybe we shouldn't be anymore.

We shouldn't be friends?

Yeah.

What do you say?

Not friends?

Not friends.

Okay.

♪ You are just a concept
You are just a dream

♪ You're just a reflection
of the new regime

♪ You are just a symbol
You are just a theme

♪ You're just another figure
for the sales machine

♪ Oh, oh, oh
They're obsessed with you, ooh

I think we should have sex.

- In general?
- No, I mean right now.

You're my little lemur.

You're my little panda bear.

I love panda bears!

- Fuckin' love lemurs.
- Yeah.

[ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ You are just a concept
You are just a dream

♪ You're just a reflection
of the new regime

♪ Oh, oh
They're obsessed with you, ooh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

Fourth time's the charm.

♪ Oh, oh, oh
They're obsessed with you, ooh

♪ Oh, oh, oh
They're obsessed with you, ooh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ They're obsessed
with you, ooh ♪

NICK: Listen. Listen to me.
APRIL: What?

It's getting really tiring
hanging out with you

- while you're always on your phone.
- You do the same thing to me!

You talk to Molly and Sally,
I swear, for 45 minutes

- every time we hang out.
- Are you kidding me?

You play your dumb little
fuckin' video games all the time

with Ben on the other line,
being like, "Meh-meh-meh-meh."

- I'm driving you home.
- I keep hearing fuckin' rumors...

from ninth grade about you getting
blowies, which, by the way,

I don't know
who even said, "blowie."

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't give a fuck.
Enjoy your meal.

- I don't give a fuck.
- [SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ You gave me what you wanted

♪ I gave you
what you asked me for

♪ You got it

♪ I don't want to
harden anymore...

APRIL: ...angry!

Okay, fine, you know what?
Just let's...

What, are we posing like this?
This is so fuckin' cliche. This is cliche.

♪ I don't want your love

♪ I don't want
your love anymore

♪ I don't want your love

♪ I don't want
your love anymore ♪

[APRIL SOBBING]

Why did you choose Boston?

- April, have your salmon.
- I'm not hungry.

Well, it's been two weeks.
You need the omega threes.

- They help your brain.
- What's wrong with my brain?

Honey! They're good for you.

Mom, she's allowed to
be depressed.

- Thank you.
- No one as good as Nick

will ever love her again.

Agnes. Show some compassion.

Yeah. Eat a dick, Agnes.

April, don't tell
your sister to eat that.

- I'll eat Nick's dick.
- Not okay.

You little perv.
You don't even have your period yet.

- I do have my period.
- Oh, yeah?

- Show me your tampon.
- You...

You got your period
and you didn't tell me?

Wow. You guys are gonna be
single forever.

- No, we're not.
- No, we're not.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna marry Nick
and we're gonna own a yacht,

and a Jacuzzi,
and a baby whale,

and we're all gonna live in Mexico
in a beautiful Spanish-style house.

We're gonna have five kids
and they're all

gonna be named after
famous singers.

but we also gotta throw in
some Beatle names,

so we'll have Paul McCartney
and John Lennon...

Lemme get a Coke
and a hot dog.

One Coke.

- And a hot dog.
- That's gonna be $4 for the Coke.

Sorry, are you out of hot dogs?

- No, we have hot dogs.
- Then... Then why...

Because the smell
of your pig parts

are gonna ruin the cinematic
experience for everyone.

Where's your manager?

Look, April, I like you.

You know, I... I like
the way that blue shirt

brings out the brown in your eyes,
you know, it's really stunning.

But you can't tell people
what to order, okay?

Like, let them
get the hot dogs.

- Okay.
- Great.

That was a great talk.
Really, really productive and...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

APRIL: Yo.

[CHUCKLING]
Yo! We're goin' out tonight.

I don't go out anymore.

It'll make you happy!

Are we going to a gun range?

We're going to Mordecai's.

- Is that a temple?
- [GIRLS LAUGH]

It's a house party.

Don't even try to say no.

- [SIGHS]
- SALLY: You need to get thirsty for a dick.

MOLLY: Yeah! Rebound dick!
[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, it's the best kinda dick.

No, it's the second best.

SALLY: Wait, what's the best kind?
MOLLY: Love dick.

- SALLY: Don't talk about love in front of April!
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Where the fuck did this
Clara girl come from anyway?

- Her Instagram's on private.
- MOLLY: Trick ass bitch.

I followed her from my fake
account at TatianaRealicious.

Wait, she accepted someone
named TatianaRealicious?

You dumb bitch.

You have a fake Instagram
account that I don't know about?

Mmm.

You don't know
everything about me.

When did you do that?

What is this photo of
Shaquille O'Neal?

MOLLY: I saw Shaq
at a bakery once.

I saw Kobe in a Petco.

It's so cool that they shop
for their own pet paraphernalia.

Get this torture device
away from me.

She's like

really pretty.

Oh.

- Sally!
- Like, in a boring, classic way.

[SOFTLY] Shut up.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]

♪ So watch me while I work
Hey!

Ah, I love shots!

- Me, too!
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

I miss Nick.

♪ So watch me while I work
Hey!

♪ So watch me while I work
Hey!

♪ So watch me while I work
Hey!

♪ You better watch me

♪ So watch me while I work
Hey! ♪

To the universe
for testing us all.

Huh?

- I'm an existentialist.
- Cool. I love horses, too.

All right.

Oh, yeah, your tits.

Ah, it smells bad in here.

You're a good kisser.
[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, yeah. Say...
Say more stuff like that.

[BOTH MOANING]

If you blow me,
I'll fuck you.

[CHUCKLING] What?

- April. April.
- Get over here.

- She's here.
- Who?

You know who.

- Is Nick with her?
- We haven't seen him.

If this is too hard for you,
we can go.

Or we can get you a Lyft
and you can go.

I feel bad.
I feel so bad.

- Should I say something to her?
- Like what?

Like, "Hi, I'm April. I hear you're
letting the boy I love cum inside you."

- That's so weird.
- Please don't ever say that.

So, they're like, "Oh."

- Want some tequila?
- Mmm-hmm.

- I have some coke, too.
- I'd do a little coke.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

BEN: April?
APRIL: Fucking Judas.

What the fuck?

"What the fuck"
to you, Benjamin.

Uh, yeah, sorry, so I've been
to like three bedrooms already.

You were not specific,
and this is a big-ass house.

Are you having
sex with her, too?

What? Clar... No, no,
we're just friends.

No, who the hell is this girl?
How come I've never heard of her?

Okay, Clara, uh,
her parents are like my godparents,

and we kinda grew up together
and we used to take baths.

- With each other. You know?
- Oh!

That's so cute.
Tell me more.

Right. I don't know why
this is a thing, you know,

'cause she's, like, moved here,
she doesn't have any friends...

And you thought,

"Before I show her
the Chinese Theatre,

she should see Nick's penis?"

I didn't think that,

but maybe she hasn't
seen it yet.

I'm gonna break into your house
and force feed you ghost peppers.

- That's incredibly specific.
- I am gonna hunt you down

when you're old
and you're sick,

and I'm gonna
turn off the oxygen.

I'm gonna tell weird stories
at your funeral,

- so no one remembers you accurately.
- Okay,

I don't wanna play
your death threat game,

and I don't wanna be in the middle
of whatever weird, toxic shit...

You're not in the middle.
You're fuckin' taking their side!

I'm not taking their side,
because there are no sides, April.

- You're making this up. It's all in your head.
- Yes, you are.

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey!

This is a private area.

Right.
It's my parents' bedroom.

Mordecai?

Yes?

- That's Mordecai.
- It is.

- Ben, do you know this person?
- I do know this person.

- You know this person?
- We're leaving.

- Thank you.
- We're leaving.

You're so strict.

So strict. Okay.

Bedrooms are
off limits, guys.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

It's not me, Mordecai.

Hi.

You're April.

Uh-huh.

Clara.

I'm aware.

Have... Have you seen keys
for a Volvo?

No.

Is that it?

No, I just...
I saw you walking in here and I thought

maybe I should say something.

About your keys?

No, forget the keys.
That was just like an icebreaker.

It's still icy as fuck
in here.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

That's astute.

I didn't know about you
until two days ago.

Also, I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna throw up,

if that makes you
feel any better.

A little.

Do you wanna go do a shot?

- I don't drink.
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Bling-bling, bitch
Do my own thing, bitch

♪ Fuck a wedding ring

♪ That ding a ling
was just a fling, bitch

♪ Looking out for my mama
and my day one bitches

♪ Independent women
We accumulatin' riches

♪ Blowing haters kisses
Forever fly misses

You know this song!

I don't really...
Not really.

You know, I can hear you
singing it.

- I don't know.
- That's not the rules.

You have to sing if you know the song.
You know I'm right.

- I don't know...
- You know I'm right. You have to. Come on.

♪ Lemme tell you how
bitches really be

♪ Here's me, here's JP

♪ Reportin' live
from the streets

♪ And you best believe

♪ That I got the keys
And I got the trees

♪ And I got the tweets

♪ Ain't no stopping
these prophecies

♪ Am I a thot
for lovin' Ciroc

♪ Gucci or not
I'm a cheat 'cause I got

♪ All my hot girls
with me and we

♪ Dance around
and bounce those titties

- Yes, yes, yes, yes!
- You can do that.

♪ Dance around
and bounce those titties

Come on.

♪ Dance around
and bounce those titties

♪ Dance around
and bounce those titties

♪ Bling-bling, bitch
Do my own thing, bitch

♪ Fuck a wedding ring

♪ That ding a ling
was just a fling, bitch

♪ Bling-bling, bitch
Do my own thing, bitch...

[MOUTHING] Oh, fuck.

♪ Eenie, minnie, moe
How many niggas is ready to go?

♪ Down on a bitch
for the Galaxy 4

♪ 99 reasons
why niggas ain't shit

♪ Shit is not funny
The mission is critical

♪ Setting yourself up
for disses and ridicule

♪ Talk to these hoes and I got
them to switch on you

♪ Talked to ya mom and now
she gonna shit on you ♪

[RETCHING]

I can hold my own hair.

You were the one
who was supposed to puke.

Sorry.

How do you feel?

Hungry.

Oh.

I saw some fancy cheese
in the fridge.

- Please, stop.
- Stop what?

Why are you
being so nice to me?

What, I mean, what?
Do you want me to be like a bitch to you?

Kind of.

I want a reason to give you
a black eye.

God, your eyes are pretty.

Your eyes are pretty.

And your boobs,
they're like...

really good.

No.

It's a push-up bra. Feel.

[SIGHS]

Could I ask you something?

Yeah.

Why isn't Nick here with you?

I don't know. Ask Ben.

- They are so gay together.
- I know.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

I'm gonna...

You have to go?

Yeah.

They look friendly.

They're not friendly,
they're just...

- my friends.
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, it was nice
to meet you.

Yup. It was less bloody
than I envisioned.

Take my number.

I... Uh...

What?

What about...

Nick.

Yeah. That person.

I don't have to tell him.

Well...

good luck
with your keys. I'm...

Oh, my God, just take
my phone number.

[CHUCKLES]

BEN: Have you lost
your damn mind?

What happens
when she gets jealous?

I'm not forcing her
to hang out with me.

Oh, yeah, you just gave her
your cell phone number for what?

- Shits and gigs?
- Chill, Benjamin.

Oh, my God. You know,
you and April are the only two people

who call me that?

Which is exactly why
we should be friends.

That's a really
flimsy argument.

What if I'm the one
who gets jealous?

Why... Why would
you get jealous?

Because she's like the...
The long-term ex.

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
relationships with sex

take priority over relationships,
you know, without sex.

Then I guess we're just gonna
have to scissor.

Look, I'm asking you
to do me a favor, okay?

- It depends.
- Are you kidding me?

I helped you with all those fucking
shelves with the Swedish names...

Then what is it?

Just don't hang out with April.

And if you do, please,
stop hooking up with Nick.

Huh? Just pick one.

CLARA: Send it.

Send it.

What if you don't respond?

Why would I
give you my number?

Well...

Maybe Nick is balls deep
inside you.

Maybe.

But on the other hand...

fuck it.

Send.

[SIGHS]

- So, you know I...
- What do you...

- You go.
- No, you.

I was just gonna say,
I stalked you on Instagram.

- You did?
- Yeah, like 106 weeks.

Well, I stalked you, too,

but, uh, only made it to
that Shaquille O'Neal post.

I just wanna hug him,
you know?

- Sure.
- And fuck him.

Wait, how did you see that photo?
My account's on private.

I had a friend follow you
from a fake account.

Your friend
is TatianaRealicious?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God,

that answers
so many questions.

Did... Okay.

[ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING]

So you're just
not going to school?

I mean, I might, one day.

I forgot that's even an option.
[CHUCKLES]

What made you move here?

I don't know. Just to move here.
Fresno sucks.

That's so baller.

Yeah, I'm ballin' real hard using my
employee discount to buy oven mitts.

- You can cook, too?
- What, you can't cook?

I put chocolate
in the microwave before,

with, like, some marshmallows
and stirred peanut butter in,

- and I can eat that.
- Don't tell people that.

[WHISPERING] Someone's coming.
What do I do?

Nothing.

Hi.

Hello, dog.

You never peed
outside before?

What do you use
for toilet paper?

You drip dry.

It's pooling against my shoe!

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

♪ Surfin' the wave

♪ All the girls are
surfin' the wave

♪ Surfin' the crimson
wave today ♪

CLARA: Just take the test again.

I can't bring
my mom's car to Boston.

Well, yeah, but at some point in
your life you're gonna want your own.

I do have
my learner's permit.

That's good.

It's expired.

Oh.

Nick used to get so pissed
having to drive me everywhere.

What the fuck is up
with his tinted windows?

He thinks
he's a drug lord, clearly.

Right, because all drug lords drive
around in their shitty Jettas,

listening to Carly Rae Jepsen.

He truly loves her.

He's not being ironic?

- No.
- Fuck.

[APRIL LAUGHS]

Did he always used to
put your nose in his mouth?

Literally all the time.

What, is that
supposed to be sexy?

I have no idea.
I actually had to Google it.

What about when he grabs your boob
like it is a tightly-sealed jar?

- Okay, thank you.
- Yes.

I would get freakin' bruises.

What about when he refers to
his dick as a quidditch stick?

He... He hasn't done that
with me. [CLEARS THROAT]

I think we should
make some rules.

- I concur.
- Cool.

First rule,
no talking about Nick.

Second rule, no telling Nick.

Ooh. Okay, so rule 2B
should be no social media.

- That's so smart.
- Yeah.

And if things get weird,
we have to tell each other.

- These are really good rules.
- Yeah.

I feel like we're
in Fight Club.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. You can be Brad
Pitt and I'll be George Clooney.

Well, you can be George Clooney if
you want, but he wasn't in Fight Club.

Oh. Well, I watched it
when I was on whip-its.

Okay, is this crazy?

Probably.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So, um, should we, like,
make out now, or...

I did already
touch your boob.

- That's true.
- Yeah.

Good night. [CHUCKLES]

[APRIL SIGHS]

Just so, um, we're clear,
I'm not actually a lesbian.

I feel like I've been giving you
some lesbian undertones and, like...

I did... I did, uh,
make out with my friend Sally once...

but I didn't enjoy it.

- I was worried. I'm glad.
- Yeah.

Thank you for the clarification.

You can drive away now.

- Bye!
- Bye!

[ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING]

APRIL: Whoo! Clara!

[APRIL SQUEALING]

♪ I am a cliche
I am a cliche, I am a cliche

♪ I am a cliche I am a
cliche you've seen before

♪ I am a cliche
that lives next door

♪ I am a cliche
You know what I mean

♪ I am a cliche
Pink is obscene

No!

♪ Yama, yama, yama
yama, yama, yama

♪ Boring boredom
Boring boredom

♪ Yama, yama, yama
yama, yama, yama

♪ Boring boredom
Boring boredom

- I got him for you.
- For me?

♪ I am a cliche
I am a cliche, I am a cliche

It's bad.

MAN [ON PA]:
Clara to the stockroom.

Clara, please come to the back.

Yep. That's what
we're gonna do.

♪ Yama, yama, yama
yama, yama, yama

♪ Boring boredom
Boring boredom

♪ Yama, yama, yama
yama, yama, yama

♪ Boring boredom
Boring boredom

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ Yama, yama, yama
yama, yama, yama

♪ Boring boredom
Boring boredom

♪ Yama, yama, yama
yama, yama, yama

♪ Boring boredom
Boring boredom ♪

Do you want a bite
of my patty melt?

I'll have a bite
of the bread part.

Just the toast?

- I don't wanna ingest weird meat.
- No.

Open your mind.

Right there. The cheesy part.

APRIL: Fine.

- Oh, my God. Mmm.
- It's so good, right?

- What?
- Nothin'.

Just the first time
I get to see you guys in action.

And?

And I feel like a traitor.

Oh, you're blowing this
out of proportion.

Yeah, maybe we measure proportions
differently, you and I...

And Nick.

- Are you gonna tell him?
- Hmm?

- Are you a rat, Benjamin?
- Yeah, a cheese-eating rat?

Do you wanna know
what happens to rats?

- They get their toes cut off.
- They get shanked in their sleep.

They get their carbon monoxide
detectors disabled.

They get their sunscreen stolen,
you ginger fuck.

There it is.

APRIL: Yeah.

You guys are perfect
for each other, you know that?

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

Oh, shoot.

- Oh, I need to take mine, too.
- Yeah.

What?

- CLARA: Benjamin, what day is it?
- It is Tuesday.

- Tuesday.
- Tuesday.

NICK: So, what's up with April?

You mean Clara?

No, I saw Clara yesterday.

I meant April.

Don't go to your weird,
silent place.

Give me the shit.

Um...

Yeah, uh,
I don't really know.

I guess she's...
She's still, um, working at The Palace.

NICK: Hmm.

Is she hookin' up
with anyone?

[BEN CHUCKLES]

I'm way too high
for this shit.

Dude, what shit?

Look, she doesn't tell me anything
because she knows I'd tell you...

So, you are
talking to her, then.

Let's not talk about 'em back to back
like this. It makes everything weird.

All right, dude. You're the one
who brought her up, not me.

What? Which one?

Clara, dude. Are you okay?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[NICK COUGHS]

Ooh, you're done, dude.

You're toast.

[BOTH LAUGH]

It's a normal question.

I don't know.

How many people
have entered you?

Can we not talk about my vagina
like it's a room, please?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I asked you first.

One.

So...

Yeah.

Got it.

- And?
- What?

- It's your turn, woman.
- Mmm...

- Four...
- That's not that bad.

...teen.

What? There's not
a lot to do in Fresno.

I'm not judging you.

Good, 'cause if I were a man,
you'd call me awesome.

Well, you are awesome.

I don't even think
I know 14 full people.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Who were they?

Well...

I lost my virginity to Henry.

It took him three times
to break my hymen.

And then, there was Dario.

He was an exchange student
from Palermo,

and he taught me
how to make pasta.

He also gave me chlamydia.

APRIL: So who was number three?

CLARA: Oh, no, Dario was,
like, number six.

I'm just giving you
the highlights.

What, you want me to tell you
about all 14 of them, you weirdo?

And then there was Micah.

From summer camp.

We were counselors together.

And then he cheated on me.

[TEETH BRUSHING]

I really liked him.

God, I just wanna be
disrespected like once.

You really don't.
[CHUCKLES]

Were any of them serious?

CLARA: Not really.

APRIL: What about Ben?

What about him?

Have you ever...

Oh, my God, no!

That would be like incest.
Not the hot kind.

- What is the hot kind of incest?
- [CHUCKLES]

- It's like a sexy stepbrother or something.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

You should do Ben.

Oh, I don't know. I can't picture
him having an actual penis, you know?

Oh, no, he does.

I mean, unless some sort of accident
has happened since our baths.

Ah. Yes, your famous baths.

A massive baby peen.

[BOTH LAUGH]

APRIL: You know, Ben is also
best friends with...

CLARA: Right.

- APRIL: And you and Nick, you're...
- Rules.

APRIL: Oh, right.

NICK: Hey, baby.

Hey.

I've really missed you.

You don't know how lost
I've been without you.

That's all I've wanted to hear.

I was only gone
for five minutes.

What?

I should've been with you
from the very beginning.

Hello?

My little panda bear.

- You're my little lemur.
- [CHUCKLES]

I'm the lemur.
I'm the lemur!

NICK: I fuckin' love lemurs.

[GASPS]

Driver? Shut the partition.

'Cause we gonna fuck!

It sucks
being third wheel, huh?

[SCREAMING]

SUSAN: Where have you been?

You know, just hangin' out.

With who?

Various people.
Get out of my closet.

So you're rebound fucking?

What? No.

Rebounds are healthy.
I had two after your father found Maria.

- Mom.
- What the fuck, Mom?

Look, I am a three-dimensional
human being who's had sex.

And UTIs.

And I have this little vibrator,
and I have had many orgasms.

Your father put his penis
into me and you two came out.

- Stop talking forever!
- Okay, never again, Mom!

Fine. Fine.

Who is the rebound with?

If you say you're back with
Nick, I'll actually kill myself.

It's not Nick. It's not a rebound.
It's just, like, this girl.

Oh, shit!

- That's not what I meant.
- What did you mean?

Do you just finger each other
really hard?

Okay! It is platonic,
and can you leave now?

How did you know
about fingering?

I'm 13, Mom.
I know all about fingering.

I find that shocking. I did not
know about fingering until college.

I find that shocking after your
history lesson on your vagina.

I did that to illustrate a point,
not to humiliate your sister.

NICK: A whale!

What?

There was no whale.

I just want your attention.

- Oh. I'm just tryin' to get my shift covered at work.
- Hmm.

Okay.

Can we roll around
and make out now?

- Yes.
- Finally.

JACOB: People think that
Pirates of the Caribbean

was like the best adaptation
of a Disneyland ride,

but I really don't think
Tomorrowland got enough credit.

Tomorrowland is a land,
not a ride.

Hmm. That's actually
a really good point.

Would you wanna
go sometime?

I have...
I have a Platinum Pass.

CLARA: Oi! Krillholtz!

Yeah. Yup.

Really quick.

You ready to go?

I mean, yes, but technically I
have like two more hours of this.

Here you go.

For when you have
real keys one day.

Clara.

Okay, don't be weird about it.
It's just a keychain.

Okay, let's go.

Where are we going?
Where do you wanna go?

Wherever your heart desires.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

- Palm Springs?
- What's in Palm Springs?

I don't know.
It's pretty far.

Ooh, maybe we could get
mochis from Trader Joe's.

No, fuck that.
We're going to Palm Springs.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[APRIL CHUCKLES]

My dear...

[SCREAMS]

I don't do deep breaths.

Just breathe. Look. He's right there.
It's gonna be super simple.

Palm Springs, Palm Springs,
Palm Springs.

Oh, my God.

I heard acid can get, like,
stuck in your spinal column

and then you have
flashbacks forever.

Yeah. Less talking
and more drugs, please.

Maybe when we're home, when we're in
like a really familiar environment...

You're welcome.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ When all the numbers
swim together

♪ And all the shadows settle

♪ When doors forced open
shut again

♪ A flytrap and a petal...

APRIL: The colors.

Lango Faringi! [ECHOES]

Snucky plonko! [ECHOES]

Garmu! [ECHOES]

Are mine too blue?

Huh.

I think it means
you have enough oxygen.

Or it means something
is wrong with me,

and that's why
I'm always really cold.

Is this betters?

What am I gonna do when I'm
freezing in Boston without you?

Wear a jacket
made of my skin.

[BOTH SNICKER]

Okay, but...

how am I gonna make friends?

What are you talking about?
You're gonna make so many new friends.

I'm not cool
and confident like you.

I can't just move somewhere
and figure everything out.

Are you kidding me?

I have nothing figured out.
You, you have...

this whole path.

I really don't.

At least you have a plan.

I suck at making plans.

I don't even know
what I care about.

What about canary school?

Like studying birds?

[BOTH MIMICKING
BIRD SOUNDS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- I meant... You know what I meant?
- Hmm?

I meant culinary.

I made dinner for you
one time. Once.

Yeah, but you'd be like the
coolest chef on the planet...

like with a bunch of tattoos,
getting to cook pasta all day.

I miss my family.

You can have mine.

Can I meet them?

You really want to?

I really do.

Hey.

Hmm?

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

[CUTLERY CLATTERING]

[AGNES CLEARS THROAT]

I learned about Fresno once
during social studies.

It was part of the Gold Rush.

Interesting.
But I don't think it was.

Well, maybe I'm confused.

Maybe Fresno is just famous for
having a bunch of whorehouses.

SUSAN: Agnes.

[GRUNTS]

I, uh... I drove through Fresno
once on my way to San Francisco.

It looked really nice.

- Oh. Well, that's because you didn't stop.
- [SUSAN LAUGHS]

[AGNES LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

So, how long
have you been here?

- A month and a half.
- Oh, do you like it?

Yeah. I'm still tryin' to
figure everything out, but yeah.

How did you and April meet?

How about you let her
chew her food, Mom?

No, Mom.
That was such a great question.

I mean, considering
she's fucking Nick.

I am seriously going to
fuck you up.

- Girls!
- Maybe I should go.

No! Agnes should go.

Why are you mad at me?
You should be mad at her!

- You're insane.
- I'm in love.

With my ex-boyfriend!

You mean with her
current boyfriend, you dumbass!

Okay, I'm sorry.
She loves Nick?

Stay out of it, slut!

All right. [STUTTERS]
Are you really seeing him?

[STUTTERS]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Thank you.
Thank you for the salmon.

- Good riddance.
- Clara...

Suck my dick, Agnes.

- You suck my dick.
- You suck my dick.

- You suck my dick!
- No, you suck my dick!

Enough with the dick sucking!

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Wow. This is
impressive wrapping.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Who are you?
Who am I to you?

Are you sayin' I'm smelly?

Sometimes.

- Do you want your real present?
- [CHUCKLES]

Yes.

For you.

- You love it?
- No way! No way!

- It's limited edition.
- I know. I love it!

- Holy cow! Yeah!
- [SQUEALS]

No! Stop!

I don't wanna
smell like a boy!

♪ I'm a coward
behind a shield and spear...

Spare some shampoo,
Dumbledore?

Oh.

You mean this bottle of Pantene,
which is actually a horcrux?

Accio Pantene.

Wingardium leviosa Pantene.

- Protego Pantene.
- [LAUGHS]

Expecto patronus Pantene.

- Do you like this manly beard?
- Yes, I do.

♪ Fallen from the sky
with grace

♪ Into your arms race...

I love you.

I love you harder.

♪ Three tears
for all the souls below

♪ One day we made them
into figurines

♪ Burned them all
with all my favorite things...

♪ Who are you?
Who am I to you?

♪ I am the antichrist
to you...

- Great. Yeah.
- Did you see that?

- I thought...
- Yeah, right. It's beginner's luck.

- You look so cute. You're so cute.
- Natch.

♪ Into your arms race

♪ Who are you?
Who am I to you?

Santa Barbara's not that far.

I could come see you
on the weekends.

Yeah.

♪ Into your arms

BEN: So should I just invite Nick, or...
CLARA: That's not funny.

- I think it'd be pretty funny.
- CLARA: Well, we don't.

April gets to invite her friend.
Why can't I invite mine?

- I'm your friend, too, Ben.
- Ah, but you're also Nick's.

- Can you not say his name?
- Why?

Because we have rules.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, yeah, that's, uh...
That's great.

That's really gonna keep
this whole thing together, huh?

- [PHONE RINGING]
- And speak of the devil.

Okay.

Hey, Nick, buddy.

Hey, what's up?
You wanna go eat?

Yeah, actually
I'm eating right now.

- I[WHISPERING] 'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Um...

With my cousin.

Ger... Gerald.

You have a cousin named Gerald?

Well, where are you at?
I'll just come meet you.

- He wants to meet up.
- Tell him you're far away, dingus.

I'm... I'm far away.
At a fair.

- You're at a fair?
- No.

- Don't say "affair."
- Not "affair."

A fair, as in like a fair with a Fer...
Ferris wheel.

Not "affair."

He's my cousin,
that would be...

That would be incest.

And not the hot kind.

You're digging a hole.

Yeah, buddy, anyway,
me and Gerald are just diggin' holes

- at the fair, and, um...
- Dude.

How fucked up
are you right now?

You wanna
hang up the phone now?

I gotta... Gerald's...
I gotta, man...

I gotta go.
I love you, though.

Be safe. Bye! Bye. Bye.

- What the fuck was that?
- Why would you pick up?

Oh, why would you put me
in this position?

How 'bout that?

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

See how easy that was?

That was...

You guys are like two geniuses who
use the pull-out method, you know?

One day you're gonna fuck
while you're ovulating,

and you're going to
have a baby.

- Well, I like the pull-out method, so...
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]

Holy shit.

And he knows.

Why is he calling you?

I don't know.

He's outside right now.
With a machete.

And he's gonna
cut us into cubes,

and he's gonna put us in
trash cans all over the city.

I'm gonna let it
go to voicemail.

You should see what he wants.

What?

[SOFTLY] What?

Okay.

Um...

- Hello?
- Hey, dawg.

How can I help you?

By not talking to me
like you're a robot.

- How can I help you, Nick?
- That's better.

Thank you.

I just wanted to call
and say thanks for the text.

I didn't know
what to write back.

- Uh-huh.
- So I just called instead,

which, I guess,
creates the same kinda problem.

Yeah, it kinda does.
So, um...

Hey, I'm sorry about Clara.

You know, it just...
It happened really fast and...

Yeah. Um, you don't
need to explain anything.

Ben says that
she's a great girl.

Well...

Okay.

Bye.

Bye, April.

You just really felt the need
to text him "Happy Birthday"?

You know, me talking to him or not
talking to him wasn't specified rules.

Because it's... [SIGHS]
so obvious.

Are you still
in love with him?

No.

Are you in love with him?

No.

I would tell you that.

There's a party on Saturday.

You wanna go together,
like, in disguise?

Is it that
Bruno Shabaz thing?

Yeah. You know about that?

Yeah.

Uh, Nick's going.

Okay, so let's just skip it.

I was probably just gonna
go with him.

Yeah.

So...

I'll just skip it.

Cool.

Cool.

MOLLY: Well, whatever.
I'm so over high school parties anyways.

- Yeah, me, too.
- SALLY: Yeah, we've evolved.

- Your ID is kinda bootleg, though.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

It says you're vision impaired?

I did that for realism.

Okay, but it says
that you're 5'11".

That was a typo.

You should've got it done
from these guys that we met.

- They're Romanian.
- Mmm-hmm.

I mean, if I don't get in,
we can just do something else.

You're gonna get in.
It's gonna be fun.

[DEADPAN] Yay.

Oh, we're gonna
miss you so much!

Oh, you have to
visit us in Miami!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Bold move, Krillholtz.

Are they in the vicinity?

Why? What do you
have planned?

Nothing. I wanna stay as far
away as humanly possible.

Right. Okay,
they're over there,

- so we're gonna go this way and have a great time...
- Thanks, Ben.

BEN: That's not chill.

What'd you expect?

- Thank you.
- Mmm.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Pass me that bottle
of brown stuff.

I'm not passing you
licorice schnapps.

Why not?

Because you're not
a homeless person.

- BEN: Ugh!
- [CELL PHONE DINGS]

- Well, that's rich.
- What?

BEN: Ah.

Hmm.

CLARA: Are you okay?
NICK: Yeah.

It's just, uh... that girl
Ben was with earlier...

You mean your ex-girlfriend?

How do you know about that?

I have the Internet.

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

Who's Brad Pitt?

Um, that is my friend,
Olivia, from home.

We're just, like,
obsessed with Fight Club.

Maybe we should just go.

Why should we go?
She can go.

Right, but you know what?
I'll split the Lyft with ya,

we can get some food on the way.
It'll be dope. Let's bounce. Let's go.

I just got here. Why is everyone always
tryin' to get me to leave the party?

Everyone isn't. Ben is,
in order to save lifelong relationships.

You know what?
Let's just stay.

And have fun.

Yeah, okay. Fuck it.

- Let's have fun. Cheers.
- Yeah.

Do you wanna go?

No. Why?

I mean, I don't know if
you're uncomfortable she's here.

I'm not uncomfortable.

Okay.

Is it uncomfortable for you?

No.

I'm not uncomfortable at all.

You know, there's a, like,
a really wicked EDM scene in Boulder,

and they do, like,
these insane laser shows at Red Rocks.

I didn't know you were
a laser enthusiast.

I'm a huge laser enthusiast.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

That's one of the many things
that you don't know about me.

I'm sorry.

Man, it's gonna be weird when we
don't see each other regularly.

I mean, you could
always come visit me.

For sure.

I'm gonna bring
my laser arsenal.

- I mean, that was implied.
- Yeah.

One goes like, "Pew-pew-pew."

The others are like,
"Zing-zong, zing-zong."

- Your lasers make noises?
- Uh-huh.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. That's... That's cool.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

NICK: Let's just go say hi.

Uh...

It's just weirder not to.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh! Sorry.

This is the dance party area.
For dancers.

- Yo! Nick, what's up, man?
- What's up, man?

Um, April, this is Clara.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too, Claire.

It's Clara.

You have
a very firm handshake.

- Very strong.
- So do you.

- Do you work out?
- Do I work out my hands?

Okay. I'm so glad we can all be
here, and it's not awkward.

Right.

Not all of us are
as drunk as you are.

Well, it is the last party
of our high school.

Seems like you're having
a difficult time moving on.

[FORCED LAUGH] Should we get shots?
I want shots. Shots.

- Yes, please. Nick?
- Yes! Can't wait.

Yes. That would be great.
I'll take one.

Can we go, please?

Actually, we're just gonna go.

BEN: Yeah?

Go ahead and say it.

Say what?

Everything.

I'm an idiot.

I don't think we should do this
in front of Steve.

- Oh, fuck Steve! Come on.
- Jesus!

This is what you've been
waiting for. Lay it on me.

Yeah, well, what are you?
A dock worker?

- Lay it on me!
- No yelling in the Lyft, please.

Look, I don't have to tell you you're
an idiot. You know you're an idiot.

- Well, she's the one who started it.
- We're not six years old, April!

Oh, don't yell
in the Lyft, Ben!

I thought you wanted me
to lay it on you.

Well, I changed my mind.

- What is it you want?
- I don't know.

- Sorry.
- DRIVER: Get out!

Like, get out here?

Yeah, let's stop.

- It's there.
- What?

Nothing.

Okay.

- I'm gonna order a new car.
- Absolutely.

- Surging.
- Is it?

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

Are you here to murder me?

I don't think murderers tell
their victims they're outside.

Where's Clara?

I don't know. She's at home.

Did you leave
with Ben last night?

We split a Lyft.

Clara's tits looked
pretty vibrant last night.

Can we not talk about her?

Why?

She's your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend.

Then what is she?

This isn't the conversation
I wanna have.

What conversation
did you wanna have?

I think about you
all the time.

And then,
seeing you last night...

You broke up with me!

- You broke up with me.
- After you brought it up.

That was hypothetical.

Don't you miss me at all?

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

NICK: Oh.

APRIL: Okay. Oh!

[APRIL LAUGHS]

♪ If I washed my clothes
and I combed my hair

♪ Would you
look at me the same?

♪ All this time I believed
I had lost control

♪ But this doesn't have a name

♪ If I swim down the middle
and I worked real hard

♪ Could I learn
to shut you out?

We out, motherfucka!

Fuck you, Ms. Leinart!

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!

- I hate your blazers!
- I hate you, Dad!

Attention.

April Krillholtz eats hummus
with her fingers. [CHUCKLES]

Attention. Nick Ellis can't
pronounce the word "arugula."

Arugyula.

- Arugula.
- Arugyula.

Arugula.

Attention. April Krillholtz used
to flirt with me in history class.

Oh, my God. You texted me
cute little monkey emojis

- while we were learning about genocide.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

It's 'cause I had
a demented crush on you.

I'm pretty sure that you had
a crush on me, too.

Attention. I'm pretty sure that
you had a crush on me, too.

I don't recall.

So then, we just...

dated for two years
after that because...

I had a huge crush on you.

♪ I had barely
learned to hold you

♪ I had barely
spoke your name

♪ When I began to love you
without shame

[MIC FEEDBACK]

♪ But I'll learn
to live without it

♪ Never loved it anyway

♪ And I'll ride my plastic pony
to the sun

[MIC CRACKLES]

♪ But they're
closing down the party

♪ And they're bringing
heavy chains

♪ But we'll learn to love
our freedom from a cage

♪ From a cage

- You fucking lying whore.
- What?

He broke up with me.

Hey!

- He just showed up at my house.
- Oh, really?

How long after you showed up
at the party?

- That's not why I went.
- Okay. Why'd you go?

I had English with Bruno Shabaz.
You don't even know him!

Bruno Shabaz is not the point!

If it were the other way
around, you would've gone.

You don't fucking know that!

You loved boxing me
out of my own life.

And you loved making me your
creepy boyfriend placeholder.

That's not true!

Using me so you could
sneak your way back to him!

Well, at least you got
everything you wanted,

acting like... Like he was your
wife and I was your mistress.

[SCOFFS] I'm sure you
would've loved that, April.

What the fuck does that mean?

I am not the one that's
fucked like half of Fresno.

Have fun on your bus ride
back to Mommy's.

I was with him for two years.
You were with him for two months.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know you're fired, right?

You've, uh, exhibited limited
personal growth, so...

We have to tell Nick.

About you and Clara?

About you and me.

That's a hilarious joke.

Just to be clear,
you were also in those bushes, buddy.

I'm developing an ulcer
talking to you right now.

You're 18 years old.
You're not developing an ulcer.

Funny story. I actually
had an ulcer when I was 12.

You should
see a doctor, then.

I did.

He told me to avoid
stressful situations.

He's gonna find out eventually.

Well, isn't that the most familiar sentence
in the history of this fucking summer. I...

I know. I just...
[SIGHS]

We're all leaving.

Right. And before we go to college,
we should all hate each other.

Forever.

I feel like if we have this shit
hanging over our heads,

then we would
hate each other forever.

Shit that you created.

At least this gives us
some kind of chance.

We could do it together.

Strength in numbers.

[SIGHS]

[INAUDIBLE]

I feel like an asshole.

You're not the asshole.

Obviously.

You're the asshole.

Okay, well,
there's one other thing.

I'm friends with Clara.

Or, we were friends.

Are you Brad Pitt?

I wasn't trying
to hurt you. Or...

I was. I was trying
to hurt you at first...

but then
I just really liked her.

Please don't let me ruin
things for you and Ben.

- SUSAN: Oh.
- [SOBBING]

DMV TESTER:
Whenever you're ready.

[APRIL CLEARS THROAT]

Hey.

Want half this cookie?

Is it sativa or an indica?

It's a hybrid.
[SNIFFLES]

No hat.

What do you think?

I'll be home in two months.

I've never been away from you
for more than two weeks.

Seems like the world
will keep spinning.

Yeah, you have this little
strumpet to keep you company.

- Kiss my fat ass.
- You kiss my fat ass.

- You kiss my fat ass.
- You kiss my fat ass.

- You kiss my fat ass.
- You kiss my fat ass.

No! We were going to
have one dinner

that does not end in talk of
kissing asses and sucking dicks.

Your mouths are staying away
from each other's genitals.

Your mouths are staying
on your faces

and eating this fucking salmon
that I made.

You're my daughters,
my only two daughters,

and you're growing up,
and April is going off to college,

and we are gonna make
a very fucking nice memory!

All right, they
do this in France.

Ooh!

I'll clean that up.

All right. Cheers.

Mom, you are so cool
right now.

Yeah, I know. Thank you.

Just so you know,
I'm over Nick.

You can have him,
if you want.

Oof. He peaked
in the 11th grade.

But there's a boy in my class
I've been texting.

Isn't that
a little young for you?

He shaves.

[APRIL AND SUSAN LAUGH]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hey, is April here? I just need to talk to her for...
- Ugh!

That girl's here!

[KNOCKING]

I... [SIGHS] I kinda had
this whole speech planned...

but I'm not really sure
if it was any good.

I'd still be interested
in hearing it.

Well...

basically the main thing was,

I'm sorry for getting angry
at you because you were upset.

that I was fucking
your ex-boyfriend.

If you follow that.

I do. Yeah.

And I'm sorry for
throwing Icee at your face.

You threw it at my boobs.

I was aiming for your face.

Well, I deserved it.

You were right.

I went to that party because I
was jealous you were with him.

[SOFTLY] I know.

But really, I was jealous
that he was with you.

I had a lot of fun with you
this summer.

Me, too.

[VOICE BREAKING]
I'm sorry I fucked it up.

Well, can we un-fuck it up?
I mean, when do you leave?

Tomorrow. At 3:00.

So...

Oh.

I was gonna show up
at your door in the morning.

I was gonna drive there.

Because I drive now.

You got your license?
Krillholtz!

- [SQUEALS]
- [SCREAMS]

So...

where are we going?

You're the one that's leaving.
You choose.

- So you're staying in LA?
- For now.

I'm thinking about checkin' out
some canary schools.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING
SOFTLY ON STEREO]

'Cause I'll be back
in November.

- Mmm-hmm.
- And December.

And summer,
so June, July, August.

And we can FaceTime.

So, like,
a long-distance relationship.

Exactly. But without the sex.

Good. Because I love you,
but I'm not gonna have sex with you.

What'd you say?

I said we are never fucking.

You said you loved me.

Oh, my God... Yeah, I love you.
Don't ruin the moment.

But I want to ruin it!
I love you, too.

I love you so much!

[INCREASES VOLUME]

Okay, but you, you love me.

- Where are we going?
- I don't know.

[BOTH LAUGH]

All right.

You love me.

Oh, God.

♪ Winter beats

♪ It strikes for you and me

♪ Don't let that
cold blood freeze

♪ 'Cause frozen love
still bleeds

♪ Winter beats

♪ It strikes for you and me

♪ Don't let that
cold blood freeze

♪ 'Cause frozen love
still bleeds ♪

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]