Banana Island Ghost (2017) - full transcript
After he dies in a car accident, a man receives three more days on Earth to find his soul mate.
- You have to say goodbye to Mommy.
- Where are you going?
I'm going to heaven.
Are you coming back?
No.
Heaven is...
is forever and ever.
Aren't you afraid?
No.
Maybe because I know your father,
my soul mate, will be waiting for me.
- But I want to go with you.
- No, no.
Ndubisi...
somewhere out there...
is your soul mate.
I don't want a soul mate.
I want to go with you.
Shh...
Listen to Mommy.
Think about all of the beautiful girls
in this whole world.
One of them is your soul mate.
Okay?
Come on, give Mommy a hug.
And when you find her...
you will live... happily ever after.
Ijeoma!
Do you want to stay
in this institution forever?
They say your father
was the first to own a house
in Banana Island.
Well, Ijeoma, I have news for you.
If you don't shape up,
you will never, ever,
ever own a house,
not to talk of one in Banana Island.
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!
Hmph!
Hi, I.J., baby.
I.J. boo. Baby boo. Hi, how are you?
Please, abeg, stop this nonsense
and open this door.
- Let me leave here. Leave me.
- I'm here for you.
I'm here for you. Don't worry,
I'll take you out now. Now, now, now.
Hey, beautiful lady.
- Don't come here again.
- Shut up! I'll deal--
Be fast. Quick, come quick.
Nonsense men.
Will you shut up? Corrupt criminals.
Let's go.
Is that what DPO says you should be doing?
Looking at a prisoner's yansh?
Me? Look at your yansh? For what, na?
What do you mean "for what"?
Is this not working for you?
Is my yansh not lookable enough for you?
So should I look at your yansh
or should I not look at your yansh?
So you were looking at my yansh!
Madame, stop, na. It's not like that.
It's just that your butt
should have a name of its own.
You are an animal.
Oh, I.J., baby. Ije Ije.
Yes?
- DPO, sir.
- Ordinary Sergeant, dismissed!
This is my new office
as the DPO
of Banana Island Police Station.
Hmm?
Before I sign your release paper,
let me make sure you are familiar
with what we approve as police
and prisoners' conduct in this country.
Now, for an example,
if we are to dance together...
Why would we dance together?
What is wrong with you? It can happen.
Listen, we police are humans beings.
We are not animals.
Or you think we are animals, eh?
We are human beings!
And listen, the quicker I show you
what is appropriation
and inappropriation...
It will enter your head
like a white person, I mean it.
You mean appropriate
and inappropriate?
Is the holy spirit of English
not coming to your body?
You behave as if you know too much.
That is why you think
you can easily walk into Banana Island
and start picking pockets
and we won't catch you, huh?
- I'm not a thief.
- Okay, let me ask you a question.
Are we here for English lesson
or you are ready to go home? Pick one.
- Okay, DPO...
- Mm-hmm?
Show me how we would dance...
...a police officer and a prisoner,
how we would dance
at some of your social functions.
Good! Understand me. I'm horny.
Now...
This is what we call...
"appropriaticity."
Mm-hmm.
"Inappropriaticity."
This is...
"appropriaticity."
This is "inappropriaticity."
- Hmm, DPO?
- Hmm? Yes.
You have to sign the release for me.
Carry on.
- Is it just two or one?
- Just sign. Sign.
Sorry, I'm signing the wrong one.
Love is a mad thing.
Yes.
Yes... Yes...
So now that you have signed
my release forms,
so if I did this...
...that would be "appropriaticity," right?
But then if I went like that!
You've burst my testicles!
That would be "inappropriaticity!"
God forbid. My DPO!
- Sir, should I help you rub it, sir?
- Are you an animal?
- Sorry, sir.
- Are you mad?
- Sorry, sir.
- Oh!
Should I go and attack?
Should I go and arrest her now?
No, no, don't go.
You don't understand.
That is how we usually play.
You see, our own kind of love style
is not this one you see in Indian films.
You see them singing,
carrying each other, no!
Our own is Chinese love.
She can go...
For you see that girl,
I love her, I like her.
She's extremely pretty.
She's extremely pretty, right?
Boss, that butt of hers,
if she gives me an opportunity...
I tell you, if God,
if this God will just bless me
and let me just have the opportunity
to romance her, to caress.
Now let me give you a special prayer
so that you can reach the promised land.
- Stretch your hands.
- That is it!
By God's will, thunder will fire you!
Your head will be useless!
- Are you mad?
- Me?
- You!
- No, sir!
DPO, sir!
- You are crazy, get out!
- No, sir!
Oh!
What's happening? Bros, what's happening?
Eh? Hey, bros, what--
Hey guy, can you hear me?
What is happening? What's happening?
They can't hear you.
Who are you? Are you an angel?
Jehovah?
Some people just... call me Father.
Come. Let's go somewhere and talk. Hmm?
Everything will be all right.
Don't worry. He doesn't know we are here.
Now let's talk.
Am I dead?
I prefer... in transition.
- But I'm not ready.
- Most people never are.
But I assure you,
when you get to heaven, you will love it.
It's not that I don't want to go to heaven
but... I don't have a soul mate.
Well, I know a thing or two about heaven,
and I can assure you,
you don't need a soul mate.
Hmm... With all due respect, sir,
you are the presido and everybody there
sings your praises 24/7.
But from our history
of Nigerian presidents,
they always don't know what goes on
within their own government.
Okay, you want a soul mate?
Exactly.
I think I have someone
that will be just perfect for you.
- Great.
- I won't interfere with the feelings.
You will have three days
to make her truly fall in love with you.
And if you do,
then you can bring her to heaven with you.
Yes!
Okay. So, um, how will I know her?
She will be the only one
who can see you and can hear you.
So, I'm a ghost?
Uh, technically,
you are still a human being.
You can smell, you can taste,
you can touch,
but she will be the only one
who can see you and can hear you.
Can I fly?
You can't fly.
You can't do any of those things
that you couldn't do as a human being.
So I still have to enter bus.
- Habba, Father!
- Fine.
Just think of where you want to be
and you will appear there.
- Anywhere?
- Anywhere.
- Yeah.
- It works!
- It works, huh?
- Yeah!
You get a chance
to be anywhere in the world,
and it is Damilola Adegbite's
bedroom you chose?
I was just testing, you know?
Patrick...
with great responsibility
comes great expectation.
You have a purpose.
I know. I know...
I mean, uh... thank you so much.
You see, I want a correct woman,
not all these yeye yeye small girls.
And-- and-- and she should have money too.
You know, when I was alive,
I didn't have money.
Not that I'm blaming you, God forbid!
I mean, you forbid.
And I want...
Yes, Banana Island!
Yes! I want a woman
with a house in Banana Island.
You go to sleep now.
When you wake up,
you'll be with your soul mate.
But remember, you have three days
to make her fall in love with you,
- and then you can bring her to heaven.
- I wonder who she is.
Direct hook up from God himself.
Is that Hippo?
Hello, there.
What are those?
It's my cousin's place.
I know the owner of that place,
and he's not your cousin.
Well, so what?
- I like your head. It's so cute.
- Give me-- Give-- no! Give me, give me...
Here you go. Come and get it!
Come on, girl.
Stop! Stop!
Careful, Hippo.
- Stop!
- Careful, Hippo.
No, you don't.
Give it back to me.
Give it. Just give it back to me.
Come on! Come and get it!
Just give it!
Just give it back!
She got it. See ya, bye.
Wicked people!
And it can be transformed
into an Olympic-sized pool.
And then, behind...
Who is there? Who is there?
Mr. Banker, what is this?
Ijeoma, good evening.
This is Mr. King and his associate.
He's a very important client of ours and
has come to take a look at the property.
For what? It's not for sale.
- Madame...
- But I have three days.
Just where exactly do you think
you are going to find
the balance of 18 million in three days?
That's my business,
but I still have three days.
Ijeoma, if by some miracle
you find this 18 million in three days,
the bank is not going to take it.
Why?
I hate to say this to you,
but your father gave us 70 million.
You've managed to give us 12 million.
And with 18 million,
that comes out to 100 million naira.
Now that was
the mortgage value of this property
when your father built it 30 years ago.
Today, it is valued
at over 600 million naira.
Now... it's not all bad news, of course.
Mr. King here is ready to pay
the actual mortgage value
and even throw in 40 million for you,
for your pain and suffering,
so everybody wins.
Mr. King gets his house,
the bank gets its money,
and you get 40 million cash.
You bankers are all the same.
All you care about is money.
No sense of responsibility,
family, loyalty, nothing!
My father died for that bank,
and the only thing he cared for
more than his family was this house.
And I'll be damned
if I'll let you come here
and just take it away from us
just like that!
So you know what? You tell Mr. King,
Queen, whatever his name is,
and that insect beside him
that this house is not for sale.
Mr. King, I am so sorry, sir.
I'm so sorry, sir. I'm so sorry. Ijeoma...
Get out!
- Ijeoma, what is this nonsense?
- Get out!
You can see yourselves out,
or I will throw you out.
What is it with all of these skinny girls?
Did she just slap me with her leg?
Jesus.
Get out! Go!
That bitch is strong.
♪ Just do many things in my life ♪
♪ Anyhow you like in my life ♪
♪ Just make sure there are plenty
In my life ♪
♪ Oh, Lord ♪
Father Lord! The hustle is real.
Father, only me, only me
is doing all these things.
See me wearing suit of bush rat,
see me working in office,
see me doing all these things.
Lord help me, please.
It's only 18 million.
You are more than that.
Thank you.
Oh, ah! Lord, before I forget,
husband, wherever he is, send him forth.
Let him not sleep, let him not rest.
Come forth, come forth, my husband.
Come forth!
Be calling Ijeoma, Ijeoma.
Ijeoma, Ijeoma, Ijeoma.
When you lie down, Ijeoma, in your car,
Ijeoma, in your work place, Ijeoma.
Because I'm your wife,
I'm your wife, I'm your wife.
Find me, find me, husband.
Find me, find me.
In Jesus's name, amen.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth ♪
♪ For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
Who are you and how did you get in here?
You can see me? You can hear me?
Which kind of mad man is this
in my room again?
Did you touch me?
Did you molest me? Huh?
Why would I want to touch you?
Why wouldn't you want to touch me?
Why would I want to touch a man?
Ah! So because I'm in pajamas?
It is your mother, your sisters,
your aunties,
- and all the women in your family that--
- It's your own mama that is a man.
How am I supposed to know you're a girl?
Where are the breasts?
Oh, God.
God, what's happening?
This can't be my soul mate.
Excuse me, soul what? Soul mate?
God forbid!
- Never! Get out!
- What are you-- Stop!
- I said get out!
- Will you stop--
- Get out!
- Will you stop stoning me?
By the time I kill you, stoning you
will be the least of your worries.
You can't kill me. I'm already a ghost.
You are a what?
Gho-o-o-st.
Okay, he's a ghost.
Oh, as in Banana Island Ghost, right?
Just wait for me.
I'll show you today how they kill ghosts
in my village, I'm coming.
But you can't kill me. I'm really a ghost.
God, I said Kim K, Kim K.
Not... Kelechi.
Oh, my God, I've killed somebody.
I've killed somebody.
I've killed somebody.
What have I done?
I have killed somebody.
He brought the fight to you.
Ijeoma, calm down!
He brought the fight to you.
You killed him. Self-defense. All right.
I've killed somebody.
I've killed...
Oh, so you know
what you did was wrong, right?
I can't...
Hey. Psst.
God!
God!
God!
It's not about
how loud you shout, Patrick.
So you could hear me?
See, this experiment you are trying to do,
me and that-- that--
That what?
It can't work.
I asked you for a fine girl.
I mean, correct babe.
Every one of my children are beautiful.
All of you are made in my image.
Unless, of course,
you think I'm not good-looking.
No, no...
I was just asking for,
you know, a sexy mama.
You know,
a Damilola Adegbite-kind of woman.
Actually, that's not what you said.
- I know what I asked for.
- Come, let me play you the video.
- You mean like heaven CCTV?
- Come.
Let me show you what you asked for.
I want a correct woman,
not all these yeye yeye small girls.
But you know what I was talking about.
Power of the tongue, Patrick,
power of the tongue.
Listen, get to know her.
You never know what you might find.
Hmm?
It's because of you...
It was a dream. It was a dream.
Mr. Ghost Man?
I need to stop watching
Africa Magic Epic after 10:00.
I'm back.
Oh, my God.
This broke ghost again.
Leave me alone, this useless ghost.
Sorry, I'm just on the phone.
It's not funny.
Oh, don't you know it's rude to ignore
someone who's trying to talk to you, hmm?
- Well, I don't want to talk to you.
- Yes! Yes, Stanley.
Yes, I told him I wouldn't accept
anything less than 30,000.
Great British pound sterling,
you pleb. I mean...
This Lagos self, hmm?
The person you want to talk to
does not want to talk to you.
It's the one you don't want
to talk to that--
Really? A wire transfer?
Have them call my banker!
Don't be so barbaric!
I mean, it's ridiculous.
It's absolutely preposterous.
My phone...
My phone! Who took my phone?
Who took my phone?
Oh, okay.
It seems like you guys
want to see a crazy person.
We will all die here together.
Did you take my phone?
You took my phone!
Perfect.
You took my phone!
Where is my phone?
No! Where is my phone?
Stop it!
What are you doing? Stop!
Come back here!
What is it?
What do you mean by what is it?
You just stole from all those people.
Please, you broke ghost.
If you don't have 18 million naira,
just get out of my way.
Is that all that matters to you,
one stupid house in Banana Island?
How much can you possibly have made
from those people
that will help your 18 million?
People that ride BRT every day.
So you think they don't need money too?
Oh, oh, oh, you just want
to be pretending that you are big girl.
Meanwhile,
you ride BRT to work everyday.
My father died for that house,
and I will be damned if I let them
take it away after his hard work.
Someone will just enter your life
and be talking rubbish
about something they know nothing about.
Why don't you just go back to hell?
Because you are surely too stupid
to have come from heaven.
Chief bus defender...
Morning, sir.
Good morning.
Um... I just wanted to...
ask you a question.
It's somewhat of a personal matter.
Hmm?
Sir, I consider myself
one of your valued employees
because I've worked here
for quite a while.
Ijeoma, as you can see, I am very busy.
Spit it out.
Okay, sir. Um...
So I would like to humbly request
a salary advance.
- Advance?
- Yes, sir.
Nigerians and their advance.
How much of an advance
would you like, Ijeoma?
- Seven...
- Seven months? Are you out of your mind?
No, it's not... not really.
What I was really trying to say was...
Sir...
Seven years.
You said seven years, is that right?
Is that what you said?
Yes, sir.
- Sit down.
- Okay.
- Seven years?
- Yes, sir.
Not seven months, seven years?
Whoo!
I'm sorry. Would you like some?
- No, thank you.
- No? Okay?
- Ijeoma...
- Sir.
You are a Neanderthal,
a nincompoop, an imbecile.
And so, sir, should I just
assume that that seven years can't work?
Get out of my office!
Get out of my office! Nonsense!
Hello.
Look, not right now, I can't...
Look, I'm sorry for what I said.
It doesn't matter.
My boss has turned me down.
I don't have the money,
which means I'll probably lose the house.
Come on! You still have three days.
You still have me.
And you are still
the brokest ghost in history, so?
Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
Oh, my goodness, did you see her?
Oh, my gosh, it's her.
Who?
The evil twins from the office,
Ogbanje and Mamiwater.
Evil. The ones that call me Hippo.
- They call you what?
- Hippo!
- That's just mean.
- Is it, though?
- Why-- What did you do?
- Ugh, you are so dramatic.
Is that-- Oh, my God!
Hippo...
My hair...
Baby, hey.
How are you doing?
Don't "baby" me. Who's that?
She's my cousin.
- Your cousin?
- Mm-hmm.
We have the same nose.
So, why haven't you called me
in over a week?
Baby, my phone got stolen,
what could I do? Hmm?
- Your phone got stolen?
- Mm-hmm.
Really?
I had to get another one quickly.
In fact, that's why I'm here.
This guy is just worrying me anyhow.
I just need like... 200K.
- Huh? 200K?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, babe, it's gonna be tight.
Because you know I need all the money
I can get for my father's house.
I know, I understand, but like I told you,
I have a 50-million naira contract
coming from Lagos State any day now.
That 18 million of yours, we'll clear it.
No problem.
I got you, baby.
I just need you to hook me up
for a day or two, huh?
- All this.
- Please, now.
You've come again. Wait.
- Here you go.
- Wow.
That's my baby.
Now give me some sugar. Hmm?
Ow!
- Um, that was-- It's not like me.
- Just, you know like-- yeah, maybe...
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
I can't believe she actually gave
them to you.
I'm bad. You don't trust your boy.
Be adorable.
You're kidding me. You know he's lying.
- Leave me alone. Is it your money?
- It's not your money either.
So you steal from all those people
not to save your father's house,
but to give to some loser.
He's not a loser. He's my boyfriend.
I hope jealousy will not kill you dead.
Oh, sorry, too late.
You know what?
I don't know what I'm doing here.
You are not a good person.
You're a thief, a liar.
You don't care about anybody but yourself.
In fact, I'm done.
You can do whatever you like.
Okay, go! Go!
Useless ghost. Broke ghost. Animal.
Oh, I'm practicing for my play.
Broke Ghost, useless ghost, animal!
You don't like the clothes?
Whoa...
Mom, you didn't have to.
They are beautiful, thank you so much.
How long do you have left?
Two days.
And how much do you have left?
16.4 million.
Mom, I've tried everything.
I've done everything.
I don't know what else to do.
All right, um... come.
To where?
Please come.
Uh-oh...
Patrick?
Father.
You know the meaning
of omnipresent, right?
Um...
So, what were you doing here?
You know, I didn't finish university
when I was alive,
so I thought it would be good to come
and listen to some lectures.
You know what they say,
it's never too late.
Never too late for what?
To be sleeping in lectures?
Do you think it's such a good use
of your time,
seeing as your soul mate
has such an important afternoon?
God forbid-- I mean, you forbid.
That girl is not my soul mate. Eh?
Look, I know you don't make mistakes.
Maybe miscalculations or something, but...
Everything has a plan, son,
and everyone has a purpose
within that plan.
Yours is not to steal people's ice cream
or watch Damilola Adegbite get naked.
Ah-ha! It was you, totally unfair.
It's okay, God, I don't need a soul mate
for heaven anymore.
I just want to enjoy
my last two days on earth
and then go back to the streets of gold.
Yeah.
You fool of a Took!
Maybe I should send you down
to the abyss...
and rid us all of your stupidity.
Come.
I need you, son.
Your purpose
is the most important of all...
to help others find their purpose.
Have you ever wondered
why that chair was there?
I don't know, because Dad wanted it there?
Hmm. No.
As a little girl, when you took ill,
your father would rock you
to sleep in that chair.
Both of you spent many nights here.
And then I would come in
and switch off that light.
I bet that light hasn't come on
in many years.
It's as if someone heard us,
as if your father heard us.
You have no idea.
Thank you.
So, my darling,
a home is not about the bricks or cement,
or being in Banana Island.
It's about the love in it.
Your father gave up everything,
not because of this house,
but because he wanted
to give us a better life.
And I would really hate
to see you throw away that life
because of cement and bricks.
Sweetheart, this is no longer a home.
Think about it, okay?
- I will.
- Oh, darling.
It's okay. It's all right.
Yeah, come on. See me off.
See me off.
Bye, Mom. Love you.
So, you're back.
Why? To torture me?
Because you have
a charity event to get to.
I'm not going to that.
But you promised those people
that you'd sing.
I mean, they're counting on you.
Yeah, I know I promised them,
but look, I don't even have
anything to wear.
- It's in your room.
- What is in my room?
- Why don't you find out?
- Patrick, did you...
What? No!
No! Oh, my God... no!
Are you serious? Like-- Oh, no, look!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, look at this.
Ah! Wait, how did you get this dress?
Did you steal it?
No, I borrowed it.
You should go and shower.
You smell like isi ewu.
You just want to see me naked.
Who says I haven't already?
- Nasty ghost.
- Go get ready.
I can never get used to this.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God...
Go get ready. Go get ready. Go get ready.
Go get ready. Go get ready.
That's my new trick.
I can enter into speakers now.
It seems like you're misusing
your ghostly power.
I'm gonna go get ready.
Hmm. "Caution.
For extreme constipation only.
May cause severe diarrhea.
Half a pill only."
Half a pill, eh?
One pill.
Two pills, three...
Ah, what the hell.
Why'd you lock this door?
Why would I lock any door?
Yeah? Then who did it, a ghost?
Why did you give me a rotten strawberry?
What is going on?
Please. Please open the door. Open--
Kilode, Kilode... are you okay?
Ah! No, no, no, no...
You look... beautiful.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Is that my dad's suit?
Oh... I got this from one
of the closets upstairs.
I hope you don't mind.
No. You look very handsome in it.
Thank you.
- Shall we?
- Of course.
♪ Swimming against the current ♪
♪ Swimming against the current ♪
♪ I think I need you ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I'm trying so hard to finish ♪
♪ I'm trying so hard to finish strong ♪
♪ And I need you ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I'm trying to make sense of it ♪
♪ Trying to make sense of it all
But I can't ♪
♪ And that's the truth ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ You're all I've ever needed ♪
♪ You're all I've ever needed
And I don't know the truth ♪
♪ You are my star ♪
♪ Show me the way ♪
♪ The way back to you ♪
♪ You are my sun ♪
♪ You brighten my gray ♪
♪ Make my sky blue ♪
♪ You are the light in my dark ♪
♪ Without you my world would be so empty ♪
♪ Empty ♪
♪ You fill the space in my heart ♪
♪ Please don't leave me feeling so empty ♪
♪ Empty ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Thank you.
I guess they valet Kias here now.
Hey, I have an idea.
Follow my lead.
Patrick.
Good evening, ma'am.
Would you like to drive?
Or would you like Google to drive for you?
Google, please.
For your information, it's not just a Kia.
It is the first Google car in Nigeria.
What do you have?
A common Range Rover
that all of these yahoo yahoo boys
have finished buying
for all of their chingum girlfriends.
How was your charity event
this evening, madam?
Oh, it was wonderful, Patrick,
except for a few... haters.
Well, you know what Taylor Swift
would say:
Haters going to hate,
hate, hate, hate...
Which one is Taylor Swift again?
Don't you know where we are?
My friend, give me
something with a bit more ingenuity.
Sorry, ma'am.
Switching to Google NG now.
Hello, madam.
You want to show them who you are?
Show them.
Meh.
Animal.
I remember how proud he was
when he got that house.
I mean, I was still a little girl,
but I remember how happy it made him.
And then the bank had to do
some downsizing and they let him go.
He probably should've
sold the house, but...
he decided to work four jobs
just to keep it.
Bank director one day
has become a taxi driver the next.
If you don't want to talk about this,
you don't have to.
No, I need to talk about this.
Twelve years of hard work.
Twelve years,
and he misses one payment,
just one payment,
and that same bank
starts to foreclose on the house.
He had a heart attack
the same day the letter came.
He didn't even make it to the hospital.
I guess...
I guess the bank felt guilty,
so they gave us eight years to pay up.
And that ends tomorrow.
And I'm still nowhere
near 18 million naira.
You know, I think you and your father
worked too hard
to let the bank take it away
just like that.
Did you hear me?
I said I am nowhere near 18 million naira,
and you're still
the brokest ghost I know.
- Yes... poker!
- What?
There's this underground poker tournament
every year.
Well, the guys involved
are very dangerous people.
I've never had 1 million naira to enter,
but I'm a very good player.
Who cares if you are a very good player?
All you have to do
is look at people's hands,
tell me what to play, and that's it.
- Brilliant idea, Patrick. Yay! Yes--
- No, no, no.
That would be cheating,
which is stealing.
But you said they are bad guys.
They steal from other people,
we steal from them.
No harm, no foul. It's brilliant.
You've done it this way all your life.
Maybe it's time to try a different way.
The right way.
Trust me.
♪ I really need a miracle ♪
Patrick.
♪ Tell me, is that you? ♪
Trust me.
♪ Is that you? ♪
♪ I really need a miracle
I really need a miracle ♪
♪ Tell me, is that you? ♪
♪ I really need a miracle
I really need a miracle ♪
♪ Tell me, is that you? ♪
♪ Is that you? ♪
♪ 'Cause I really need a miracle ♪
♪ I really need a miracle ♪
♪ Tell me, is that you? ♪
♪ You are my star... ♪
Good morning, sunshine.
Let me get this straight.
You had the beautiful idea
to serve me breakfast in bed,
you got tired of waiting,
and decided to eat it?
What do you need food for?
I'm the one who's doing
all the work at the tournament.
All you have to do is sit back, relax,
and just play whatever I ask you to play.
Why can't you just look at people's hands
and then tell me what to play?
Hmm, no. I told you before, no cheating.
We have to do this one fair and square.
Look, are you sure you can do that?
I have beaten the current champion
at many smaller games.
The only problem is
I never had enough money
to enter into the tournament.
Okay, but why did you say
they were dangerous people?
Because it's all the bad guys in the city,
and it's run by this Mr. King.
Did you just say Mr. King?
The same Mr. King that has one pelenge,
mosquito-looking, like Indian bodyguard
- with a scarf on her face?
- You know him?
Know him?
That's the man that's trying to buy
this house right from under me.
That is not good.
That man is a bad man, but don't worry.
- You can come with your own bodyguard.
- Really?
I know who my bodyguard is going to be.
Is that your useless
Banana Island police boyfriend, right?
Uh-uh. Don't be jealous.
Just see it as
our marketing communication strategy.
When I'm trying to talk to you,
I just talk to him, see?
I need to go get ready.
Yeah, go get ready
for your Banana Island police boyfriend.
♪ Jealousy is the root of hatred ♪
I'm taking my flower back.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please don't take the flower.
You know I have to eat it now,
seeing as there's no breakfast.
Oh, crazy white girls.
Devil is a liar!
My D-- Oh, my God.
Hey...
- Let me help you, sir.
- Are you mad?
- Sir?
- Go, go, go back!
I will deal with you later.
Hello, my sweet potato.
Don't "sweet potato" me.
Didn't I hear a white woman
on your computer just now?
- Huh?
- "Sweet potato."
- Me?
- Yes.
No, no. Maybe you heard that from outside.
Not here, not here at all.
- Outside?
- Yes.
You see, I needed to iron my trousers.
I knew you'd be coming here today so...
You! What are you still waiting for there?
- Sir!
- Get out!
Yes, sir!
What a pity!
Sorry, my sweetheart.
Yes, my darling.
Now, why are you here?
Do you need anything?
Is that how you greet your sweet potato?
Ijeoma, as you are touching me,
as you are touching me, it's okay.
But Ijeoma, warn yourself. Warn yourself.
Now tell me, what do you want?
- Don't be angry.
- Angry? Why?
- I need a gun.
- Huh?
Ah, I.J., what do you need a gun for?
Why? Ah, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Look, I have to go somewhere dangerous.
Okay. In that case...
All right, I will give you my men.
- They will follow you.
- No, no, I can't take police there.
Okay, they will wear mofty.
No, I'm only allowed to go
with one bodyguard.
But, IJ, what is going on?
Where are you going that you need
a bodyguard, you need gun? What happened?
I'm trying to win some money
for my father's house.
IJ, you and this,
your father's house thing,
be careful, be careful.
Anyway, I will follow you.
I will be your bodyguard.
- Eh?
- I will follow you, I will.
But IJ, please,
I am doing all this for the sake of love.
- I'm not joking.
- Thank you, DPO.
You are my property, I must protect you.
But these are dangerous people.
What do you mean dangerous, IJ?
Sergeant! Sergeant!
Now, we are going
for one special operation
and you must be on alert.
I want you to gather
all the men in this zone.
Hmm? Once I give you a call,
- you must come there.
- Okay, sir!
- When I say attack...
- We attack.
- When I say withdraw...
- We attack.
I hope you're fine?
- Hold on. When I say attack, then attack.
- We attack.
When I say withdraw, you do what?
- We should attack? That is it.
- Where?
Fall out. Ah, minus one.
Don't worry, he is the best.
One of the best
you can be proud of anywhere.
- I.J., yes.
- Aw, thank you, DPO. Thank you so much.
- I will do anything for you.
- You are such a good friend.
Attack!
What up, people? It's your boy, DJ Obi.
And welcome to King Industries
Annual Poker Tournament.
Shout-out to Mr. King
for making all this happen.
If you're ready, I'm ready. Let's get it!
I can't-- I can't do this.
I need to go to the toilet.
I'm sorry.
I thought I could do this.
I thought I would be the hero
and save your father's house,
but I messed up everything.
But we are not done yet.
That's it, we are down to 200,000
when we should be going to 18 million.
You see, that's the problem.
You're playing for the house.
If we're not playing for the house,
then why are we here?
Listen, Patrick...
I'm so sorry because I've been so selfish.
I've carried this burden around
for so long
and I've been looking for someone
to pass it on to.
It never occurred to me once
to even bother
to ask about how this is all affecting you
and why you're here.
I've just been worried about
me, me, me, and me, and that house.
Here we are, you're at a tournament
you've always wanted to play in,
and once again,
you're playing for that house.
So... what are you saying?
I'm saying I don't want you
to play for that house.
I want you to play for you.
There are so many things
that are way more important
than a house in Banana Island.
I mean, things like-- like family,
like friendship...
like love.
Whoo-hoo!
Shit.
She can't come here, use my game
to beat me, and get that house.
How did she get in?
What can I do?
I want to go all in blind. Wait.
Are you sure, madam?
Yeah. Yes.
- Yeah.
- You know what? I may be losing anyways,
but I'm not going to sit here
and let this arrogant girl beat us all.
I'm all in.
Do you trust me?
Do you trust me?
I don't just trust you...
I love you.
Looks like we have a winner,
people. Yeah!
Stop, stop! Stop, I said.
She loves me.
She... I mean, she...
She loves me!
Three days...
♪ I love you, you love me ♪
♪ Won't someone just help me? ♪
I've been on this earth for 34 years
and no one loved me.
But just three days as a ghost
and the most amazing woman loves me.
And that most amazing woman
needs you, Patrick.
- She loves me!
- Patrick!
She needs you.
Enough! Ahh!
You are the most frustrating
human being ever.
Do you want to lose your life
because of 20 million
or a house in Banana Island?
How did you ever think
you were going to beat me? How?
You and this clown you brought?
Twenty million?
You lost it, it's over!
I have guns, I have a ninja.
What do you have?
What do you have?
She has a ghost.
Get her.
Hey! I'm in trouble!
Who's there?
Come out. Let me see you.
You are shooting the Banana Island DPO,
soon to become area commander.
Surrender now. I am coming out.
This guy is quite insane.
Hello. Over.
DPO. Should we attack?
Over.
- I need men here!
- Sir?
- I want you all to come down here!
- Should we attack?
Come down as a police officer
of the federal republic of this country.
Sir? Should we attack?
You're quite foolish. Action, yeah!
Attack!
Attack!
Attack!
Attack!
Attack!
Give it to me.
Hey!
I'm so passionate about my country.
Are we ready?
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
♪ Arise, O compatriots ♪
♪ Nigeria's call obey ♪
♪ To serve our fatherland ♪
♪ With love and strength and faith ♪
♪ The labor of our heroes past ♪
♪ Shall never be in vain ♪
♪ To serve with heart and might ♪
♪ One nation bound in freedom ♪
♪ Peace and unity ♪
It's okay!
Verse two.
♪ O God of creation... ♪
Nonsense.
Ninja, ninja, see yourself?
See yourself?
Come.
Are you on bleaching cream?
You are bleaching?
So Indians are bleaching too?
Hey! What am I not gonna see
in this, my life?
Jesus, Chineke.
Did you say Chineke?
Where are you from?
Where are you from? Enugu?
Owerri? Raised in Aba?
Where are you from?
Answer me quickly!
I'm from Awka.
You're from Awka?
So you're from Awka?
And you're performing magic!
You've got no respect for your elders!
You know what? Stay here. Don't move.
Let me pursue my money.
Wait a minute. Where are the police?
Where is this police? Wickedness.
Don't try it!
Which one you want?
Honestly, sir.
Give me Rambo. I'm not scared.
Attack!
- Yes, sir!
- Which style?
Sir, give me X and O.
X... and the O.
Attack!
- Yes, sir!
- Which style?
- It's Ogbomosho I want, sir!
- Ogbomosho!
Yes, sir!
- I will give it to you.
- Yes, sir!
- I believe in you.
- Yes, sir!
- It's your style.
- Yes, sir!
- Attack!
- Yes, sir!
- Uh-uh. Dudu?
- Yes, sir!
I've told you before. You can't waste
Nigeria's resources. It won't show.
But I want to strike, sir.
- It's not going to show.
- Yes, sir!
- Move.
- Yes, sir!
- Fall out. Next!
- Yes, sir!
- Which one?
- Any one, sir.
- Any style?
- Yes, sir!
Eye shadow.
Hmm! Hmm!
Ijeoma...
Ijeoma. No...
She can't die. She can't... She can't die.
She's my soul mate.
Now... she can come to heaven.
I didn't mean for her to die.
What did you think would happen, Patrick?
How else did you think
you could take her to heaven with you?
You thought only of the thing
that you wanted?
But did you stop to think
what that could mean for her?
Please, God.
Please...
She-- She can't die.
She can't, please.
Even if it means...
you won't go to heaven?
Yes.
Now... you're ready to go to heaven.
She will be fine.
Ijeoma. Ijeoma.
Hey, you can see me?
I saved your life, you know.
Please, can you keep quiet?
- You almost crossed.
- That's not the issue.
- You are still a useless goat, animal.
- My friend, get out.
Um, Patrick.
I think we should be on our way now.
Ijeoma!
I will always be with you, my love.
Am I free to go now?
Free to go, ke? I brought you a friend.
What are you talking about?
Congratulations.
This is the Warri mountain.
No, please!
No, no, no, please help me...
- Don't worry.
- Help me, please!
- You just enjoy yourself.
- I have money.
Take your time
and be a very good dancer to his music.
Please help me. Help me, please!
No! No!
Come back and help me! Please!
Please! Help me!
- Where are you going?
I'm going to heaven.
Are you coming back?
No.
Heaven is...
is forever and ever.
Aren't you afraid?
No.
Maybe because I know your father,
my soul mate, will be waiting for me.
- But I want to go with you.
- No, no.
Ndubisi...
somewhere out there...
is your soul mate.
I don't want a soul mate.
I want to go with you.
Shh...
Listen to Mommy.
Think about all of the beautiful girls
in this whole world.
One of them is your soul mate.
Okay?
Come on, give Mommy a hug.
And when you find her...
you will live... happily ever after.
Ijeoma!
Do you want to stay
in this institution forever?
They say your father
was the first to own a house
in Banana Island.
Well, Ijeoma, I have news for you.
If you don't shape up,
you will never, ever,
ever own a house,
not to talk of one in Banana Island.
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!
Hmph!
Hi, I.J., baby.
I.J. boo. Baby boo. Hi, how are you?
Please, abeg, stop this nonsense
and open this door.
- Let me leave here. Leave me.
- I'm here for you.
I'm here for you. Don't worry,
I'll take you out now. Now, now, now.
Hey, beautiful lady.
- Don't come here again.
- Shut up! I'll deal--
Be fast. Quick, come quick.
Nonsense men.
Will you shut up? Corrupt criminals.
Let's go.
Is that what DPO says you should be doing?
Looking at a prisoner's yansh?
Me? Look at your yansh? For what, na?
What do you mean "for what"?
Is this not working for you?
Is my yansh not lookable enough for you?
So should I look at your yansh
or should I not look at your yansh?
So you were looking at my yansh!
Madame, stop, na. It's not like that.
It's just that your butt
should have a name of its own.
You are an animal.
Oh, I.J., baby. Ije Ije.
Yes?
- DPO, sir.
- Ordinary Sergeant, dismissed!
This is my new office
as the DPO
of Banana Island Police Station.
Hmm?
Before I sign your release paper,
let me make sure you are familiar
with what we approve as police
and prisoners' conduct in this country.
Now, for an example,
if we are to dance together...
Why would we dance together?
What is wrong with you? It can happen.
Listen, we police are humans beings.
We are not animals.
Or you think we are animals, eh?
We are human beings!
And listen, the quicker I show you
what is appropriation
and inappropriation...
It will enter your head
like a white person, I mean it.
You mean appropriate
and inappropriate?
Is the holy spirit of English
not coming to your body?
You behave as if you know too much.
That is why you think
you can easily walk into Banana Island
and start picking pockets
and we won't catch you, huh?
- I'm not a thief.
- Okay, let me ask you a question.
Are we here for English lesson
or you are ready to go home? Pick one.
- Okay, DPO...
- Mm-hmm?
Show me how we would dance...
...a police officer and a prisoner,
how we would dance
at some of your social functions.
Good! Understand me. I'm horny.
Now...
This is what we call...
"appropriaticity."
Mm-hmm.
"Inappropriaticity."
This is...
"appropriaticity."
This is "inappropriaticity."
- Hmm, DPO?
- Hmm? Yes.
You have to sign the release for me.
Carry on.
- Is it just two or one?
- Just sign. Sign.
Sorry, I'm signing the wrong one.
Love is a mad thing.
Yes.
Yes... Yes...
So now that you have signed
my release forms,
so if I did this...
...that would be "appropriaticity," right?
But then if I went like that!
You've burst my testicles!
That would be "inappropriaticity!"
God forbid. My DPO!
- Sir, should I help you rub it, sir?
- Are you an animal?
- Sorry, sir.
- Are you mad?
- Sorry, sir.
- Oh!
Should I go and attack?
Should I go and arrest her now?
No, no, don't go.
You don't understand.
That is how we usually play.
You see, our own kind of love style
is not this one you see in Indian films.
You see them singing,
carrying each other, no!
Our own is Chinese love.
She can go...
For you see that girl,
I love her, I like her.
She's extremely pretty.
She's extremely pretty, right?
Boss, that butt of hers,
if she gives me an opportunity...
I tell you, if God,
if this God will just bless me
and let me just have the opportunity
to romance her, to caress.
Now let me give you a special prayer
so that you can reach the promised land.
- Stretch your hands.
- That is it!
By God's will, thunder will fire you!
Your head will be useless!
- Are you mad?
- Me?
- You!
- No, sir!
DPO, sir!
- You are crazy, get out!
- No, sir!
Oh!
What's happening? Bros, what's happening?
Eh? Hey, bros, what--
Hey guy, can you hear me?
What is happening? What's happening?
They can't hear you.
Who are you? Are you an angel?
Jehovah?
Some people just... call me Father.
Come. Let's go somewhere and talk. Hmm?
Everything will be all right.
Don't worry. He doesn't know we are here.
Now let's talk.
Am I dead?
I prefer... in transition.
- But I'm not ready.
- Most people never are.
But I assure you,
when you get to heaven, you will love it.
It's not that I don't want to go to heaven
but... I don't have a soul mate.
Well, I know a thing or two about heaven,
and I can assure you,
you don't need a soul mate.
Hmm... With all due respect, sir,
you are the presido and everybody there
sings your praises 24/7.
But from our history
of Nigerian presidents,
they always don't know what goes on
within their own government.
Okay, you want a soul mate?
Exactly.
I think I have someone
that will be just perfect for you.
- Great.
- I won't interfere with the feelings.
You will have three days
to make her truly fall in love with you.
And if you do,
then you can bring her to heaven with you.
Yes!
Okay. So, um, how will I know her?
She will be the only one
who can see you and can hear you.
So, I'm a ghost?
Uh, technically,
you are still a human being.
You can smell, you can taste,
you can touch,
but she will be the only one
who can see you and can hear you.
Can I fly?
You can't fly.
You can't do any of those things
that you couldn't do as a human being.
So I still have to enter bus.
- Habba, Father!
- Fine.
Just think of where you want to be
and you will appear there.
- Anywhere?
- Anywhere.
- Yeah.
- It works!
- It works, huh?
- Yeah!
You get a chance
to be anywhere in the world,
and it is Damilola Adegbite's
bedroom you chose?
I was just testing, you know?
Patrick...
with great responsibility
comes great expectation.
You have a purpose.
I know. I know...
I mean, uh... thank you so much.
You see, I want a correct woman,
not all these yeye yeye small girls.
And-- and-- and she should have money too.
You know, when I was alive,
I didn't have money.
Not that I'm blaming you, God forbid!
I mean, you forbid.
And I want...
Yes, Banana Island!
Yes! I want a woman
with a house in Banana Island.
You go to sleep now.
When you wake up,
you'll be with your soul mate.
But remember, you have three days
to make her fall in love with you,
- and then you can bring her to heaven.
- I wonder who she is.
Direct hook up from God himself.
Is that Hippo?
Hello, there.
What are those?
It's my cousin's place.
I know the owner of that place,
and he's not your cousin.
Well, so what?
- I like your head. It's so cute.
- Give me-- Give-- no! Give me, give me...
Here you go. Come and get it!
Come on, girl.
Stop! Stop!
Careful, Hippo.
- Stop!
- Careful, Hippo.
No, you don't.
Give it back to me.
Give it. Just give it back to me.
Come on! Come and get it!
Just give it!
Just give it back!
She got it. See ya, bye.
Wicked people!
And it can be transformed
into an Olympic-sized pool.
And then, behind...
Who is there? Who is there?
Mr. Banker, what is this?
Ijeoma, good evening.
This is Mr. King and his associate.
He's a very important client of ours and
has come to take a look at the property.
For what? It's not for sale.
- Madame...
- But I have three days.
Just where exactly do you think
you are going to find
the balance of 18 million in three days?
That's my business,
but I still have three days.
Ijeoma, if by some miracle
you find this 18 million in three days,
the bank is not going to take it.
Why?
I hate to say this to you,
but your father gave us 70 million.
You've managed to give us 12 million.
And with 18 million,
that comes out to 100 million naira.
Now that was
the mortgage value of this property
when your father built it 30 years ago.
Today, it is valued
at over 600 million naira.
Now... it's not all bad news, of course.
Mr. King here is ready to pay
the actual mortgage value
and even throw in 40 million for you,
for your pain and suffering,
so everybody wins.
Mr. King gets his house,
the bank gets its money,
and you get 40 million cash.
You bankers are all the same.
All you care about is money.
No sense of responsibility,
family, loyalty, nothing!
My father died for that bank,
and the only thing he cared for
more than his family was this house.
And I'll be damned
if I'll let you come here
and just take it away from us
just like that!
So you know what? You tell Mr. King,
Queen, whatever his name is,
and that insect beside him
that this house is not for sale.
Mr. King, I am so sorry, sir.
I'm so sorry, sir. I'm so sorry. Ijeoma...
Get out!
- Ijeoma, what is this nonsense?
- Get out!
You can see yourselves out,
or I will throw you out.
What is it with all of these skinny girls?
Did she just slap me with her leg?
Jesus.
Get out! Go!
That bitch is strong.
♪ Just do many things in my life ♪
♪ Anyhow you like in my life ♪
♪ Just make sure there are plenty
In my life ♪
♪ Oh, Lord ♪
Father Lord! The hustle is real.
Father, only me, only me
is doing all these things.
See me wearing suit of bush rat,
see me working in office,
see me doing all these things.
Lord help me, please.
It's only 18 million.
You are more than that.
Thank you.
Oh, ah! Lord, before I forget,
husband, wherever he is, send him forth.
Let him not sleep, let him not rest.
Come forth, come forth, my husband.
Come forth!
Be calling Ijeoma, Ijeoma.
Ijeoma, Ijeoma, Ijeoma.
When you lie down, Ijeoma, in your car,
Ijeoma, in your work place, Ijeoma.
Because I'm your wife,
I'm your wife, I'm your wife.
Find me, find me, husband.
Find me, find me.
In Jesus's name, amen.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth ♪
♪ For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
Who are you and how did you get in here?
You can see me? You can hear me?
Which kind of mad man is this
in my room again?
Did you touch me?
Did you molest me? Huh?
Why would I want to touch you?
Why wouldn't you want to touch me?
Why would I want to touch a man?
Ah! So because I'm in pajamas?
It is your mother, your sisters,
your aunties,
- and all the women in your family that--
- It's your own mama that is a man.
How am I supposed to know you're a girl?
Where are the breasts?
Oh, God.
God, what's happening?
This can't be my soul mate.
Excuse me, soul what? Soul mate?
God forbid!
- Never! Get out!
- What are you-- Stop!
- I said get out!
- Will you stop--
- Get out!
- Will you stop stoning me?
By the time I kill you, stoning you
will be the least of your worries.
You can't kill me. I'm already a ghost.
You are a what?
Gho-o-o-st.
Okay, he's a ghost.
Oh, as in Banana Island Ghost, right?
Just wait for me.
I'll show you today how they kill ghosts
in my village, I'm coming.
But you can't kill me. I'm really a ghost.
God, I said Kim K, Kim K.
Not... Kelechi.
Oh, my God, I've killed somebody.
I've killed somebody.
I've killed somebody.
What have I done?
I have killed somebody.
He brought the fight to you.
Ijeoma, calm down!
He brought the fight to you.
You killed him. Self-defense. All right.
I've killed somebody.
I've killed...
Oh, so you know
what you did was wrong, right?
I can't...
Hey. Psst.
God!
God!
God!
It's not about
how loud you shout, Patrick.
So you could hear me?
See, this experiment you are trying to do,
me and that-- that--
That what?
It can't work.
I asked you for a fine girl.
I mean, correct babe.
Every one of my children are beautiful.
All of you are made in my image.
Unless, of course,
you think I'm not good-looking.
No, no...
I was just asking for,
you know, a sexy mama.
You know,
a Damilola Adegbite-kind of woman.
Actually, that's not what you said.
- I know what I asked for.
- Come, let me play you the video.
- You mean like heaven CCTV?
- Come.
Let me show you what you asked for.
I want a correct woman,
not all these yeye yeye small girls.
But you know what I was talking about.
Power of the tongue, Patrick,
power of the tongue.
Listen, get to know her.
You never know what you might find.
Hmm?
It's because of you...
It was a dream. It was a dream.
Mr. Ghost Man?
I need to stop watching
Africa Magic Epic after 10:00.
I'm back.
Oh, my God.
This broke ghost again.
Leave me alone, this useless ghost.
Sorry, I'm just on the phone.
It's not funny.
Oh, don't you know it's rude to ignore
someone who's trying to talk to you, hmm?
- Well, I don't want to talk to you.
- Yes! Yes, Stanley.
Yes, I told him I wouldn't accept
anything less than 30,000.
Great British pound sterling,
you pleb. I mean...
This Lagos self, hmm?
The person you want to talk to
does not want to talk to you.
It's the one you don't want
to talk to that--
Really? A wire transfer?
Have them call my banker!
Don't be so barbaric!
I mean, it's ridiculous.
It's absolutely preposterous.
My phone...
My phone! Who took my phone?
Who took my phone?
Oh, okay.
It seems like you guys
want to see a crazy person.
We will all die here together.
Did you take my phone?
You took my phone!
Perfect.
You took my phone!
Where is my phone?
No! Where is my phone?
Stop it!
What are you doing? Stop!
Come back here!
What is it?
What do you mean by what is it?
You just stole from all those people.
Please, you broke ghost.
If you don't have 18 million naira,
just get out of my way.
Is that all that matters to you,
one stupid house in Banana Island?
How much can you possibly have made
from those people
that will help your 18 million?
People that ride BRT every day.
So you think they don't need money too?
Oh, oh, oh, you just want
to be pretending that you are big girl.
Meanwhile,
you ride BRT to work everyday.
My father died for that house,
and I will be damned if I let them
take it away after his hard work.
Someone will just enter your life
and be talking rubbish
about something they know nothing about.
Why don't you just go back to hell?
Because you are surely too stupid
to have come from heaven.
Chief bus defender...
Morning, sir.
Good morning.
Um... I just wanted to...
ask you a question.
It's somewhat of a personal matter.
Hmm?
Sir, I consider myself
one of your valued employees
because I've worked here
for quite a while.
Ijeoma, as you can see, I am very busy.
Spit it out.
Okay, sir. Um...
So I would like to humbly request
a salary advance.
- Advance?
- Yes, sir.
Nigerians and their advance.
How much of an advance
would you like, Ijeoma?
- Seven...
- Seven months? Are you out of your mind?
No, it's not... not really.
What I was really trying to say was...
Sir...
Seven years.
You said seven years, is that right?
Is that what you said?
Yes, sir.
- Sit down.
- Okay.
- Seven years?
- Yes, sir.
Not seven months, seven years?
Whoo!
I'm sorry. Would you like some?
- No, thank you.
- No? Okay?
- Ijeoma...
- Sir.
You are a Neanderthal,
a nincompoop, an imbecile.
And so, sir, should I just
assume that that seven years can't work?
Get out of my office!
Get out of my office! Nonsense!
Hello.
Look, not right now, I can't...
Look, I'm sorry for what I said.
It doesn't matter.
My boss has turned me down.
I don't have the money,
which means I'll probably lose the house.
Come on! You still have three days.
You still have me.
And you are still
the brokest ghost in history, so?
Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
Oh, my goodness, did you see her?
Oh, my gosh, it's her.
Who?
The evil twins from the office,
Ogbanje and Mamiwater.
Evil. The ones that call me Hippo.
- They call you what?
- Hippo!
- That's just mean.
- Is it, though?
- Why-- What did you do?
- Ugh, you are so dramatic.
Is that-- Oh, my God!
Hippo...
My hair...
Baby, hey.
How are you doing?
Don't "baby" me. Who's that?
She's my cousin.
- Your cousin?
- Mm-hmm.
We have the same nose.
So, why haven't you called me
in over a week?
Baby, my phone got stolen,
what could I do? Hmm?
- Your phone got stolen?
- Mm-hmm.
Really?
I had to get another one quickly.
In fact, that's why I'm here.
This guy is just worrying me anyhow.
I just need like... 200K.
- Huh? 200K?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, babe, it's gonna be tight.
Because you know I need all the money
I can get for my father's house.
I know, I understand, but like I told you,
I have a 50-million naira contract
coming from Lagos State any day now.
That 18 million of yours, we'll clear it.
No problem.
I got you, baby.
I just need you to hook me up
for a day or two, huh?
- All this.
- Please, now.
You've come again. Wait.
- Here you go.
- Wow.
That's my baby.
Now give me some sugar. Hmm?
Ow!
- Um, that was-- It's not like me.
- Just, you know like-- yeah, maybe...
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
I can't believe she actually gave
them to you.
I'm bad. You don't trust your boy.
Be adorable.
You're kidding me. You know he's lying.
- Leave me alone. Is it your money?
- It's not your money either.
So you steal from all those people
not to save your father's house,
but to give to some loser.
He's not a loser. He's my boyfriend.
I hope jealousy will not kill you dead.
Oh, sorry, too late.
You know what?
I don't know what I'm doing here.
You are not a good person.
You're a thief, a liar.
You don't care about anybody but yourself.
In fact, I'm done.
You can do whatever you like.
Okay, go! Go!
Useless ghost. Broke ghost. Animal.
Oh, I'm practicing for my play.
Broke Ghost, useless ghost, animal!
You don't like the clothes?
Whoa...
Mom, you didn't have to.
They are beautiful, thank you so much.
How long do you have left?
Two days.
And how much do you have left?
16.4 million.
Mom, I've tried everything.
I've done everything.
I don't know what else to do.
All right, um... come.
To where?
Please come.
Uh-oh...
Patrick?
Father.
You know the meaning
of omnipresent, right?
Um...
So, what were you doing here?
You know, I didn't finish university
when I was alive,
so I thought it would be good to come
and listen to some lectures.
You know what they say,
it's never too late.
Never too late for what?
To be sleeping in lectures?
Do you think it's such a good use
of your time,
seeing as your soul mate
has such an important afternoon?
God forbid-- I mean, you forbid.
That girl is not my soul mate. Eh?
Look, I know you don't make mistakes.
Maybe miscalculations or something, but...
Everything has a plan, son,
and everyone has a purpose
within that plan.
Yours is not to steal people's ice cream
or watch Damilola Adegbite get naked.
Ah-ha! It was you, totally unfair.
It's okay, God, I don't need a soul mate
for heaven anymore.
I just want to enjoy
my last two days on earth
and then go back to the streets of gold.
Yeah.
You fool of a Took!
Maybe I should send you down
to the abyss...
and rid us all of your stupidity.
Come.
I need you, son.
Your purpose
is the most important of all...
to help others find their purpose.
Have you ever wondered
why that chair was there?
I don't know, because Dad wanted it there?
Hmm. No.
As a little girl, when you took ill,
your father would rock you
to sleep in that chair.
Both of you spent many nights here.
And then I would come in
and switch off that light.
I bet that light hasn't come on
in many years.
It's as if someone heard us,
as if your father heard us.
You have no idea.
Thank you.
So, my darling,
a home is not about the bricks or cement,
or being in Banana Island.
It's about the love in it.
Your father gave up everything,
not because of this house,
but because he wanted
to give us a better life.
And I would really hate
to see you throw away that life
because of cement and bricks.
Sweetheart, this is no longer a home.
Think about it, okay?
- I will.
- Oh, darling.
It's okay. It's all right.
Yeah, come on. See me off.
See me off.
Bye, Mom. Love you.
So, you're back.
Why? To torture me?
Because you have
a charity event to get to.
I'm not going to that.
But you promised those people
that you'd sing.
I mean, they're counting on you.
Yeah, I know I promised them,
but look, I don't even have
anything to wear.
- It's in your room.
- What is in my room?
- Why don't you find out?
- Patrick, did you...
What? No!
No! Oh, my God... no!
Are you serious? Like-- Oh, no, look!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, look at this.
Ah! Wait, how did you get this dress?
Did you steal it?
No, I borrowed it.
You should go and shower.
You smell like isi ewu.
You just want to see me naked.
Who says I haven't already?
- Nasty ghost.
- Go get ready.
I can never get used to this.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God...
Go get ready. Go get ready. Go get ready.
Go get ready. Go get ready.
That's my new trick.
I can enter into speakers now.
It seems like you're misusing
your ghostly power.
I'm gonna go get ready.
Hmm. "Caution.
For extreme constipation only.
May cause severe diarrhea.
Half a pill only."
Half a pill, eh?
One pill.
Two pills, three...
Ah, what the hell.
Why'd you lock this door?
Why would I lock any door?
Yeah? Then who did it, a ghost?
Why did you give me a rotten strawberry?
What is going on?
Please. Please open the door. Open--
Kilode, Kilode... are you okay?
Ah! No, no, no, no...
You look... beautiful.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Is that my dad's suit?
Oh... I got this from one
of the closets upstairs.
I hope you don't mind.
No. You look very handsome in it.
Thank you.
- Shall we?
- Of course.
♪ Swimming against the current ♪
♪ Swimming against the current ♪
♪ I think I need you ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I'm trying so hard to finish ♪
♪ I'm trying so hard to finish strong ♪
♪ And I need you ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I'm trying to make sense of it ♪
♪ Trying to make sense of it all
But I can't ♪
♪ And that's the truth ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ You're all I've ever needed ♪
♪ You're all I've ever needed
And I don't know the truth ♪
♪ You are my star ♪
♪ Show me the way ♪
♪ The way back to you ♪
♪ You are my sun ♪
♪ You brighten my gray ♪
♪ Make my sky blue ♪
♪ You are the light in my dark ♪
♪ Without you my world would be so empty ♪
♪ Empty ♪
♪ You fill the space in my heart ♪
♪ Please don't leave me feeling so empty ♪
♪ Empty ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Thank you.
I guess they valet Kias here now.
Hey, I have an idea.
Follow my lead.
Patrick.
Good evening, ma'am.
Would you like to drive?
Or would you like Google to drive for you?
Google, please.
For your information, it's not just a Kia.
It is the first Google car in Nigeria.
What do you have?
A common Range Rover
that all of these yahoo yahoo boys
have finished buying
for all of their chingum girlfriends.
How was your charity event
this evening, madam?
Oh, it was wonderful, Patrick,
except for a few... haters.
Well, you know what Taylor Swift
would say:
Haters going to hate,
hate, hate, hate...
Which one is Taylor Swift again?
Don't you know where we are?
My friend, give me
something with a bit more ingenuity.
Sorry, ma'am.
Switching to Google NG now.
Hello, madam.
You want to show them who you are?
Show them.
Meh.
Animal.
I remember how proud he was
when he got that house.
I mean, I was still a little girl,
but I remember how happy it made him.
And then the bank had to do
some downsizing and they let him go.
He probably should've
sold the house, but...
he decided to work four jobs
just to keep it.
Bank director one day
has become a taxi driver the next.
If you don't want to talk about this,
you don't have to.
No, I need to talk about this.
Twelve years of hard work.
Twelve years,
and he misses one payment,
just one payment,
and that same bank
starts to foreclose on the house.
He had a heart attack
the same day the letter came.
He didn't even make it to the hospital.
I guess...
I guess the bank felt guilty,
so they gave us eight years to pay up.
And that ends tomorrow.
And I'm still nowhere
near 18 million naira.
You know, I think you and your father
worked too hard
to let the bank take it away
just like that.
Did you hear me?
I said I am nowhere near 18 million naira,
and you're still
the brokest ghost I know.
- Yes... poker!
- What?
There's this underground poker tournament
every year.
Well, the guys involved
are very dangerous people.
I've never had 1 million naira to enter,
but I'm a very good player.
Who cares if you are a very good player?
All you have to do
is look at people's hands,
tell me what to play, and that's it.
- Brilliant idea, Patrick. Yay! Yes--
- No, no, no.
That would be cheating,
which is stealing.
But you said they are bad guys.
They steal from other people,
we steal from them.
No harm, no foul. It's brilliant.
You've done it this way all your life.
Maybe it's time to try a different way.
The right way.
Trust me.
♪ I really need a miracle ♪
Patrick.
♪ Tell me, is that you? ♪
Trust me.
♪ Is that you? ♪
♪ I really need a miracle
I really need a miracle ♪
♪ Tell me, is that you? ♪
♪ I really need a miracle
I really need a miracle ♪
♪ Tell me, is that you? ♪
♪ Is that you? ♪
♪ 'Cause I really need a miracle ♪
♪ I really need a miracle ♪
♪ Tell me, is that you? ♪
♪ You are my star... ♪
Good morning, sunshine.
Let me get this straight.
You had the beautiful idea
to serve me breakfast in bed,
you got tired of waiting,
and decided to eat it?
What do you need food for?
I'm the one who's doing
all the work at the tournament.
All you have to do is sit back, relax,
and just play whatever I ask you to play.
Why can't you just look at people's hands
and then tell me what to play?
Hmm, no. I told you before, no cheating.
We have to do this one fair and square.
Look, are you sure you can do that?
I have beaten the current champion
at many smaller games.
The only problem is
I never had enough money
to enter into the tournament.
Okay, but why did you say
they were dangerous people?
Because it's all the bad guys in the city,
and it's run by this Mr. King.
Did you just say Mr. King?
The same Mr. King that has one pelenge,
mosquito-looking, like Indian bodyguard
- with a scarf on her face?
- You know him?
Know him?
That's the man that's trying to buy
this house right from under me.
That is not good.
That man is a bad man, but don't worry.
- You can come with your own bodyguard.
- Really?
I know who my bodyguard is going to be.
Is that your useless
Banana Island police boyfriend, right?
Uh-uh. Don't be jealous.
Just see it as
our marketing communication strategy.
When I'm trying to talk to you,
I just talk to him, see?
I need to go get ready.
Yeah, go get ready
for your Banana Island police boyfriend.
♪ Jealousy is the root of hatred ♪
I'm taking my flower back.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please don't take the flower.
You know I have to eat it now,
seeing as there's no breakfast.
Oh, crazy white girls.
Devil is a liar!
My D-- Oh, my God.
Hey...
- Let me help you, sir.
- Are you mad?
- Sir?
- Go, go, go back!
I will deal with you later.
Hello, my sweet potato.
Don't "sweet potato" me.
Didn't I hear a white woman
on your computer just now?
- Huh?
- "Sweet potato."
- Me?
- Yes.
No, no. Maybe you heard that from outside.
Not here, not here at all.
- Outside?
- Yes.
You see, I needed to iron my trousers.
I knew you'd be coming here today so...
You! What are you still waiting for there?
- Sir!
- Get out!
Yes, sir!
What a pity!
Sorry, my sweetheart.
Yes, my darling.
Now, why are you here?
Do you need anything?
Is that how you greet your sweet potato?
Ijeoma, as you are touching me,
as you are touching me, it's okay.
But Ijeoma, warn yourself. Warn yourself.
Now tell me, what do you want?
- Don't be angry.
- Angry? Why?
- I need a gun.
- Huh?
Ah, I.J., what do you need a gun for?
Why? Ah, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Look, I have to go somewhere dangerous.
Okay. In that case...
All right, I will give you my men.
- They will follow you.
- No, no, I can't take police there.
Okay, they will wear mofty.
No, I'm only allowed to go
with one bodyguard.
But, IJ, what is going on?
Where are you going that you need
a bodyguard, you need gun? What happened?
I'm trying to win some money
for my father's house.
IJ, you and this,
your father's house thing,
be careful, be careful.
Anyway, I will follow you.
I will be your bodyguard.
- Eh?
- I will follow you, I will.
But IJ, please,
I am doing all this for the sake of love.
- I'm not joking.
- Thank you, DPO.
You are my property, I must protect you.
But these are dangerous people.
What do you mean dangerous, IJ?
Sergeant! Sergeant!
Now, we are going
for one special operation
and you must be on alert.
I want you to gather
all the men in this zone.
Hmm? Once I give you a call,
- you must come there.
- Okay, sir!
- When I say attack...
- We attack.
- When I say withdraw...
- We attack.
I hope you're fine?
- Hold on. When I say attack, then attack.
- We attack.
When I say withdraw, you do what?
- We should attack? That is it.
- Where?
Fall out. Ah, minus one.
Don't worry, he is the best.
One of the best
you can be proud of anywhere.
- I.J., yes.
- Aw, thank you, DPO. Thank you so much.
- I will do anything for you.
- You are such a good friend.
Attack!
What up, people? It's your boy, DJ Obi.
And welcome to King Industries
Annual Poker Tournament.
Shout-out to Mr. King
for making all this happen.
If you're ready, I'm ready. Let's get it!
I can't-- I can't do this.
I need to go to the toilet.
I'm sorry.
I thought I could do this.
I thought I would be the hero
and save your father's house,
but I messed up everything.
But we are not done yet.
That's it, we are down to 200,000
when we should be going to 18 million.
You see, that's the problem.
You're playing for the house.
If we're not playing for the house,
then why are we here?
Listen, Patrick...
I'm so sorry because I've been so selfish.
I've carried this burden around
for so long
and I've been looking for someone
to pass it on to.
It never occurred to me once
to even bother
to ask about how this is all affecting you
and why you're here.
I've just been worried about
me, me, me, and me, and that house.
Here we are, you're at a tournament
you've always wanted to play in,
and once again,
you're playing for that house.
So... what are you saying?
I'm saying I don't want you
to play for that house.
I want you to play for you.
There are so many things
that are way more important
than a house in Banana Island.
I mean, things like-- like family,
like friendship...
like love.
Whoo-hoo!
Shit.
She can't come here, use my game
to beat me, and get that house.
How did she get in?
What can I do?
I want to go all in blind. Wait.
Are you sure, madam?
Yeah. Yes.
- Yeah.
- You know what? I may be losing anyways,
but I'm not going to sit here
and let this arrogant girl beat us all.
I'm all in.
Do you trust me?
Do you trust me?
I don't just trust you...
I love you.
Looks like we have a winner,
people. Yeah!
Stop, stop! Stop, I said.
She loves me.
She... I mean, she...
She loves me!
Three days...
♪ I love you, you love me ♪
♪ Won't someone just help me? ♪
I've been on this earth for 34 years
and no one loved me.
But just three days as a ghost
and the most amazing woman loves me.
And that most amazing woman
needs you, Patrick.
- She loves me!
- Patrick!
She needs you.
Enough! Ahh!
You are the most frustrating
human being ever.
Do you want to lose your life
because of 20 million
or a house in Banana Island?
How did you ever think
you were going to beat me? How?
You and this clown you brought?
Twenty million?
You lost it, it's over!
I have guns, I have a ninja.
What do you have?
What do you have?
She has a ghost.
Get her.
Hey! I'm in trouble!
Who's there?
Come out. Let me see you.
You are shooting the Banana Island DPO,
soon to become area commander.
Surrender now. I am coming out.
This guy is quite insane.
Hello. Over.
DPO. Should we attack?
Over.
- I need men here!
- Sir?
- I want you all to come down here!
- Should we attack?
Come down as a police officer
of the federal republic of this country.
Sir? Should we attack?
You're quite foolish. Action, yeah!
Attack!
Attack!
Attack!
Attack!
Attack!
Give it to me.
Hey!
I'm so passionate about my country.
Are we ready?
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
♪ Arise, O compatriots ♪
♪ Nigeria's call obey ♪
♪ To serve our fatherland ♪
♪ With love and strength and faith ♪
♪ The labor of our heroes past ♪
♪ Shall never be in vain ♪
♪ To serve with heart and might ♪
♪ One nation bound in freedom ♪
♪ Peace and unity ♪
It's okay!
Verse two.
♪ O God of creation... ♪
Nonsense.
Ninja, ninja, see yourself?
See yourself?
Come.
Are you on bleaching cream?
You are bleaching?
So Indians are bleaching too?
Hey! What am I not gonna see
in this, my life?
Jesus, Chineke.
Did you say Chineke?
Where are you from?
Where are you from? Enugu?
Owerri? Raised in Aba?
Where are you from?
Answer me quickly!
I'm from Awka.
You're from Awka?
So you're from Awka?
And you're performing magic!
You've got no respect for your elders!
You know what? Stay here. Don't move.
Let me pursue my money.
Wait a minute. Where are the police?
Where is this police? Wickedness.
Don't try it!
Which one you want?
Honestly, sir.
Give me Rambo. I'm not scared.
Attack!
- Yes, sir!
- Which style?
Sir, give me X and O.
X... and the O.
Attack!
- Yes, sir!
- Which style?
- It's Ogbomosho I want, sir!
- Ogbomosho!
Yes, sir!
- I will give it to you.
- Yes, sir!
- I believe in you.
- Yes, sir!
- It's your style.
- Yes, sir!
- Attack!
- Yes, sir!
- Uh-uh. Dudu?
- Yes, sir!
I've told you before. You can't waste
Nigeria's resources. It won't show.
But I want to strike, sir.
- It's not going to show.
- Yes, sir!
- Move.
- Yes, sir!
- Fall out. Next!
- Yes, sir!
- Which one?
- Any one, sir.
- Any style?
- Yes, sir!
Eye shadow.
Hmm! Hmm!
Ijeoma...
Ijeoma. No...
She can't die. She can't... She can't die.
She's my soul mate.
Now... she can come to heaven.
I didn't mean for her to die.
What did you think would happen, Patrick?
How else did you think
you could take her to heaven with you?
You thought only of the thing
that you wanted?
But did you stop to think
what that could mean for her?
Please, God.
Please...
She-- She can't die.
She can't, please.
Even if it means...
you won't go to heaven?
Yes.
Now... you're ready to go to heaven.
She will be fine.
Ijeoma. Ijeoma.
Hey, you can see me?
I saved your life, you know.
Please, can you keep quiet?
- You almost crossed.
- That's not the issue.
- You are still a useless goat, animal.
- My friend, get out.
Um, Patrick.
I think we should be on our way now.
Ijeoma!
I will always be with you, my love.
Am I free to go now?
Free to go, ke? I brought you a friend.
What are you talking about?
Congratulations.
This is the Warri mountain.
No, please!
No, no, no, please help me...
- Don't worry.
- Help me, please!
- You just enjoy yourself.
- I have money.
Take your time
and be a very good dancer to his music.
Please help me. Help me, please!
No! No!
Come back and help me! Please!
Please! Help me!