Balls of Fury (2007) - full transcript

In the unsanctioned, underground, and unhinged world of extreme Ping-Pong, the competition is brutal and the stakes are deadly. Down-and-out former professional Ping-Pong phenom Randy Daytona is sucked into this maelstrom when FBI Agent Rodriguez recruits him for a secret mission. Randy is determined to bounce back and recapture his former glory, and to smoke out his father's killer - one of the FBI's Most Wanted, arch-fiend Feng. But, after two decades out of the game, Randy can't turn his life around and avenge his father's murder without a team of his own. He calls upon the spiritual guidance of blind Ping-Pong sage and restaurateur Wong, and the training expertise of Master Wong's wildly sexy niece Maggie, both of whom also have a dark history with Feng. All roads lead to Feng's mysterious jungle compound and the most unique Ping-Pong tournaments ever staged. There, Randy faces such formidable players as his long-ago Olympics opponent, the still-vicious Karl Wolfschtagg. Can Randy keep his eye on the ball? Will he achieve the redemption he craves while wielding a paddle? Is his backhand strong enough to triumph over rampant wickedness?

- 1936, Jesse Owens.
- 1960, Cassius Clay.

And now in 1988,
the name on everyone's lips,

US table tennis champion,
Randy Daytona.

You've seen him in Sports Illustrated, on
the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box.

You may even already own
his McDonald's collector's glass.

The golden boy
who iced Iceland in round one,

and checked off Czechoslovakia
in round two.

So why don't we take a moment
to meet the real Randy Daytona?

Here he is showing us his skills
with his lucky Def Leppard paddle

that's won him
over 200 amateur matches.

With him, as always, his coach and father,
Sergeant Pete Daytona, of the US Marines.

Randy, you're only 12 years old,
and already they're saying

that your name
will go down among those

of the greatest Ping-Pong players
ever to take up the sport.

And right offhand, I don't know
what those names are.

Randy, the eyes of all America,
and indeed the entire world,

will be on you tonight.


2:45 am. The moment
you've all been waiting for.

The men's table tennis

Tiny balls, bouncing for gold.


Now, presenting
the United States of America,

Randy Daytona!

Here he is,

entering to his unofficial
theme song, Rock of Ages,

by the super group Def Leppard.

I love you, Randy!

Hey, big guy, I just want
to make sure you're ready.

Have you seen my dad?


Where were you?

You think I'd miss this?

You didn't put money on this,
did you?

Dad, you promised.

Try not to think about it, okay?

Now, presenting East Germany,

Karl Wolfschtagg!

Deutschland! Deutschland!
Deutschland! Deutschland!

May the best man win, huh?

I will destroy him!

Beat that Kraut!

Breathtaking intensity
surrounds the table

as Daytona and Manslaughter
fire away at each other.

Daytona's in the groove.

Both men distancing themselves
from the table now.

There's a high elevation lob.
Tremendous accuracy.

And a smash by Manslaughter. And
Randy Daytona makes the save.

One more smash!
And now Daytona goes back.

Farther back!


And the crowd rises
in anticipation!

He stretches.

Look out!


Randy? Randy? You okay?

Randy? Randy?

Randy Daytona, unable to finish.

Match forfeit to East Germany.


I'm going to Disneyland!

Come on, guys.
Can't we talk about this?

Mr. Feng does not
extend credit.

Gentlemen, time is money.



Well, that's the way the
cookie crumbles here in Korea.

As Reno's golden boy was
humiliated in the semifinals,

and if he lives to be 100, he'll never
live down that Disneyland line.

If he returns to America,
a life of shame.

Two tickets to paradise!

Won't you pack your bags?
We'll leave tonight

I got...
Two tickets to paradise!

I got...
Two tickets to paradise!

Let's go to heaven

Yeah! Thank you!

Take a bow, honey.

There she is!

All right, let's keep the love
going for our very next act,

The Peppermill's
very own Ping-Pong wizard...

Randy Daytona!
Randy Daytona!

Come on, let's bring him out.

How's everybody feeling
this afternoon?

All right!

I don't want to work.

I just want to bang on these
drums all day long. Am I right?


Thank you!

Hey, a volunteer!
How you doing, buddy?

I was just going
for more Cheese 'n Mac.


Thank you!

We're in the biz

to bring the bewonderment of
live theater to these people,

so they will stay for the
loosest slots on The Strip.

Not to give them
a heart attack, Randy!

Sorry, Rick.
It will never happen again.

I know because you're fired.

Get your stink out
of my theater.

Sorry, Randy.

But some agent
was looking for you backstage.

Maybe he missed the show.

Thank you, Bethany.

My name's Sarah.

Are you kidding me?

You've called me Bethany for the
past five years. It's fine.

Mr. Daytona?

Ernie Rodriguez, FBI.

Oh, God! I didn't mean
to hurt that guy!

How could I know that
he had a bad heart?

That's not why I'm here.

Hey, actually, I thought
that was part of the show.

Till the paramedics showed up,
I was laughing my ass off.

Well, am I in
some kind of trouble or...


I came to ask you for your help.

The FBI needs you to take part
in a top-secret mission.

One that calls for a man
of your unique skills.

I'm not joking, man.
I'm FBI. I swear.

Come on, man. You got a
hidden camera on you, right?

Cut it out.
You're not allowed to do that.

Fake gun and everything.

Now why don't you put on
some big boy pants

and we'll go for a ride.

The man with the umbrella
is our target.

I think you'll want
to help us catch him, Randy.

His name is Mr. Feng.

Mr. Feng?

That's the guy
that killed my father.

I know.

His face
has never been photographed.

This sketch is based on the description
by a late agent of the ATF.

Wait a minute,
this guy looks like...

George Takei? Mr. Sulu? I know. It's
not, though. We checked him out.

We have reason to believe
he's about to make

some kind of a major shipment
into the US.

And what, man? What do you
want me to do about it?

What you were born to do.

You see, Randy,
Feng is a Ping-Pong fanatic.

He played for the Chinese
when he was a kid.

Now every five years
he brings the best to him.

A high-stakes tournament,
at a secret location.

Invitation only.

His men go to tournaments
all over the world,

searching for
the best of the best.

You see that gold paddle?
That's the invitation.

You, Randy,
you're our ticket in.

I'm not a spy, man.

Look, you don't have to do
anything but play Ping-Pong, man.

You go to a few tournaments
and do your stuff.

If you're as good
as you used to be,

I'm sure
you'll get an invitation.

Look, this year Feng's
invited a who's who

of the international
most wanted list.

Randy, something big's
going down.

Here's the thing.
You're bananas.

I do matinee shows. I get
introduced by a cockatoo.

Mr. Daytona, you're the only
one who can lead us to Feng.

I've been authorized
to offer you

anything in the government's
power if you help us out.

You don't get it, do you, man?
I don't compete anymore!


Maybe I never should have.


Hey, Dad. I'm sorry I haven't
been around in awhile.

And again, I'm sorry about abbreviating
your dates on the headstone.

The numbers were, like, 100 bucks a
pop, and apostrophes were free so...

Excuse me?

Excuse me!

The new slide's
a little close, isn't it?

What are you gonna do? They sold
the air rights to the cemetery.

They sold the air rights
to a cemetery?

It's a pretty okay water slide, though.
It's called Eerie Canals.

I guess it's a theme
that it's haunted. Something.

Look out!

All right. I'm in.

I love that smell.

Good to be back
on the circuit again, huh?

I meant pancakes.

I love the smell of pancakes.

Okay, you're not here
to have fun.

All right? You're here to win.
Get your head in the game.

What, do you think Feng
is gonna have scouts here?

No, but you got to win here
to get to State.

You are gonna win, right?

I can take these punks.

All right, first up
we have Andy...

Randy Daytona

versus our four-time
Western Conference Champion,

The Hammer.

I don't know what the hell
he's talking about.

I'm still trying to figure out
if it's a dude or a chick.

No mercy, Randy.

Have your grandma
pull the car around.

Can you dig it?

Tastes good.

11 to 3!

I told you I was rusty. I
haven't competed in 19 years.

Why don't you cut me
some slack, man?

I need some time to warm up.

Time we don't have. Feng's
tournament's in two weeks.

Man, I got to get you in shape.

We're here.

The world's greatest Ping-Pong
instructor owns a takeout restaurant?

Don't hate.
The school's upstairs.

This guy's blind,
so let me do the talking.

Wong won't train just anybody.

And he never trains gweilo.


It means "round eye."
Gringo. You, man.

He only takes Chinese students.

Damn, bro.


You okay, dude?

Get out!

Get out.
I don't teach gweilo.

How did you know that
we were gweilo?

Same way that I can tell
you are 30 years old.

Too old to start training.


You are filled with self-doubt.

And you use Lady Speed Stick.

It was on sale.

Feng was my most gifted pupil.

He played table tennis like
the devil in short shorts.

But he had expensive taste.

He began to steal and extort.

Turning my school of table
tennis into a den of thieves.

And when I cast him out,
he joined the Triad.

He lured my brother Le Ping
in with him.

And when Le Ping tried
to go straight, he killed him.

Le Ping's daughter
was left fatherless.

If you help Randy and me
get to Feng's, we'll nail him.

I give you my word.

I will help you,
secret agent man.

You will start training
tomorrow, Randy.

Bring only your strength, your
honor and a check for $300.

Hey, secret agent man.

I tell you something
right now, the truth.

Your boy will not pull it off.
We need a natural.

Something I can work with.
You know what I mean.


What did I miss?

Well, if it isn't
the infamous Randy Daytona.

How was Disneyland?
Did you meet Dumbo?

Is it always this crowded?

Only when I'm not teaching.

That's my niece,
Maggie Wong Mei Fei.

She brings her father,
Le Ping, great honor.

Wong's Mu Shu Palace,
how can I help you?

She will be the one
who will be giving you

hands-on training.

Gives "wax off"
a whole new meaning.

Rule one, gweilo.
No touching my niece.


Yeah, I understand.


Table jockey.

Let them work it out, man.
Let them work it out.

What does she weigh?
Like, 40 pounds?

Come on, man.
They're gonna kick your ass!

Who wants to... Oh.


Your temper brings dishonor
to my Happy Mu Shu Palace.

You'll be sorry, Wong!

And teaching gweilo
is forbidden. You know that!

I'll tell the elders.

You will have
to face the Dragon.

Let me tell you
what you can tell the Dragon.

Now, gweilo, we begin.

Ping-Pong is not the Macarena.

It takes patience.

She is like a fine,
well-aged prostitute.

It takes years
to learn her tricks.

She is cruel.

Laughs at you
when you are naked.

But you keep coming back
for more and more.


Because she is the
only prostitute I can afford.

Gweilo, give me your paddle.


Now, for the time being,
you will practice with this.

What, are you crazy?

It's impossible, man.
Nobody can do that.

That was nice.

All right.

Come on.

One more time.

Come on.

Do I have to eat that?

To strengthen the body
and not the mind

is to build a temple
on shifting sand.

In my hand I hold a cricket.

What'd you do that for? Don't
take the cricket from my hand.

Who the hell said, "Take
the cricket from my hand"?

I just...
Put it back.

That is my lucky cricket.


Well, he just...
He flew out of my hand, man.

You squished him?


You squished lucky cricket?


Thanks a lot, kid!

So, Maggie, what do you
do when you're not here?

So sorry, don't speak English.

But didn't I hear you speak
English on the phone yesterday?

No, you must be mistaken, because
I don't speak any English.

I'm just trying
to get better acquainted.

I know what you're trying
to get, table jockey.

For as long as I can remember,
guys have been in here

with their hands all over me,
with your stupid come-ons.

"Give me a hand
with my balls, Maggie."

Let me guess.

You're not around girls much or you
probably wouldn't play Ping-Pong, right?

Yeah, well, I thought that
your dad played Ping-Pong.

Do not compare yourself to my father.
My father was a great man.

I'm not. It's just a game.

It's not just a game!

It is a proud tradition my family
have devoted their lives to!

You treat that tradition
like a joke.

Uncle says you have no honor.
I say you have no shot.

So turn off the charm,
table jockey.

Oh, God.

You need to build
wrist strength.

Eye-hand coordination.


Oh, come on!

You got me hitting balls with spoons.
I'm swatting flies, now?

You not hit flies.
You hit bees.


Come on!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

You are halfway
through your training.

Now comes the difficult part.

The backhand.

You must believe in yourself
when no one else does.

Like right now, for instance.


What do you mean I hit the net?



Hands on your head!

Oh, that's right, man.
I'm in Chinatown.

I'm sorry, man.

Want to pop off a couple of rounds?
Always makes me feel better.

Listen to me.

Are you a real,
fully-licensed FBI guy?

I'm serious, man.
I mean, why...

You know, why would a real FBI
guy take on a mission like this?

Nobody else would be caught
dead on Operation Ping-Pong.

All right, they don't expect
us to catch Feng.

They got 20 agents
working other angles, man.

I'm the backup plan.

Look, I joined the company
for action, man.

You know, car chases,
hang-gliding, James Bond stuff.

Drinking martinis,
saving girls from danger.

I haven't gotten
to wear a tuxedo

since my goddaughter Martha's
quinceañera, man.

For the last five years,
I've been at a desk, typing.

I'm up to 70 words a minute.


Maggie, is that you?

Slow down.

Slow down in English.

What happened?

"Teaching outsiders
is forbidden."

We've defied the elders,
now they're shutting us down.

They have forbidden me to
teach in Chinatown, forever.

Well, don't worry. The FBI's
gonna find out who did this.

We know who did it.
It is written right there.

No, no, no, no. No FBI.

We will settle this
in our own way.

Gweilo, only
you can restore our honor.

You must go to the elders.

You must face the Dragon.

Okay, well, time out.

We don't have time for some
ancient Chinese pissing contest.

Feng's match is coming up.

And if we want Feng's scouts to
see Randy win some trophies,

we got to get him out
to some tournaments.

Foolish secret agent man.

Real Ping-Pong
is not played for trophies.

It is played in the shadows,
in dark alleys and backrooms

for hard cash
and cheap, ugly women.

If gweilo beats the Dragon,
it will reach Feng's ears,

I assure you.

We're here.
The lair of the Dragon.

From here we go alone.

Good luck, kid.

Thanks, man.

Randy, wait.


I want you to have this.

It belonged to my father.


Maggie, I can't take this.

He'd have wanted you to have it.

Take it, you are ready.

It has defeated many enemies.

Good luck, Randy.


Come, gweilo.

The Dragon is the most feared table
tennis player in all Chinatown.

Welcome to the underbelly
of Ping-Pong.

Where fortunes are won and lost.

I'm exaggerating, of course,
but you get my point.

People bet on Ping-Pong here.

So you think you're good,
huh, gweilo?

Well, put money where mouth is.

$4. No pay, no play.

Got change for $5?
That's all I got.

This guy doesn't seem
so tough to me.

That is not the Dragon.

That is the Dragon.


remember, you suck
when you are nervous.

Thanks, Master.

First player to lead by 3, wins.

Gweilo loses,

Wong and his descendants are
banished from Chinatown forever.

And by extension,
all of Orange County.

Dragon says,
"This serve, no can defend."

No one has hit it back
in five years of table tennis.

She say, "No fair.
She wasn't ready."

She say, "That wasn't real
no can defend serve.

"This next one,
this, no can defend."

"So watch out."

She say,

"Maybe we need to take a break.
Get some fresh air. Cool off."


I said, "Yes!"

That is right!

Am I right?

Just say, "Yes."


Oh, jeez.

Come on, little kid.

Don't be so hard on yourself,
you know. You got mad skills.

I warn you guys, I know tai chi.

Here's your money.

it's covered in snot.

I knew you could do it, man!

He won, right?

What the hell?

Mr. Daytona.

Your balls have been tempered
in the fury of hell's Dragon.


My master, Mr. Feng, would be honored
to have you at his tournament.

Which way is the freeway? I seem
to have gotten turned around.

Oh, yeah.

I knew that.


Mr. Daytona, we'll see you
at the tournament.

What am I missing?

Oh, we got the golden paddle.

As you can see, the paddle
contains a riddle in Chinese.

"On the longest day, two
hands reach towards heaven.

"We enter the clouds."

Of course.

When both hands reach up
on what?

A clock. That's noon.

Longest day.
Wednesday, nine letters.

We enter the clouds,
that's got to be an airfield.

Yeah, but which airfield? There are
a dozen in Orange County alone.

John Wayne Airport, maybe. They
got a private hangar there

owned by a Japanese corporation
goes by the name of Haiku Cargo.

Check this out.

On the longest day. Yeah. It's 5-7-5.
That's a haiku.

That's impressive.

It's on the back of
the paddle here in English.

Noon, Wednesday,
John Wayne Airport.

Each player can bring a coach,
a doctor, two carry-ons.

Goose, run them through
the hardware they'll need.

I have stripped
everything down for you.

This is your homing device,
this is the transmitter.

So you just plant it, flip the
switch and backup's on its way.

Don't screw this up, Rodriguez.

Do not signal unless you have
proof of what Feng is up to.

We don't want theories.
We want him caught red-handed,

with hard evidence, so we
can put him away for good.

Yes, sir.

So let me guess, fellows.

We're gonna stick this
in the heel of our shoe,

put it in a tube of toothpaste,
something like that?

I think we'll have to sneak
this in the old-fashioned way.

What's the old-fashioned way?

God, slow down.

We should go alone from here.

Good luck, secret agent man.
Take care of Uncle, okay?

Uncle can take care of himself.

Oh, man.

What's the stick for, man?
Come on.


Never hug a man with a million bucks
worth of hardware up his crack.

It's okay.

Go ahead and kiss her already!

So embarrass...

Come back, gweilo.


Nice plane.

Team Daytona.

This way, gentlemen.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Where we going, Tijuana?

It is with great honor
that I present your host.

The man
who sold the Dragon his fire,

stole it back,

and sold it again to the Crips.

Give it up for Master Feng.

How's my collar?

Man, we were
way off George Takei.

Okie-dokie artichokie.

First of all, I know getting
here was the commute from hell.

I have to be a smidge
off the beaten track here.

Now, Ping-Pong,
or, as the Chinese say,


sport of emperors
and bandits alike.

I have assembled today, for
your entertainment pleasure,

the most talented table tennis
athletes from around the globe.

Legends, every one.

We have last year's
North American champion

and holder of the Canadian cup,

Mr. Freddy "Fingers" Wilson.


Four-time Australian champion,
Mr. Wedge McDonald!


From Japan,
Mr. Yukito Nagasaki!

My personal odds-on favorite
from the '88 games,

possibly the greatest player
ever to emerge from the West.

He came out of retirement to be here,
and it's an honor to have him.

He's back and he's bad, the one
and only Karl Wolfschtagg!


So, we meet again.

The years have not been
kind to you.

I will not be either.

We have champions from
every continent so, please,

everyone, wear a nametag.

And now, eat, drink, enjoy.

My goodness!

What a blast from the past!

If it isn't my old master.


You old horn dog.
How's tricks?

I've waited many years to
meet you again, face to face.

Oh, thank you.

Tell me, Randy, does he still dress as
if he shops at Elton John's garage sale?

So, Randy Daytona.

The golden boy who couldn't even bronze.
You're Wong's new protégé.

Well, FYI,

Wong always said
I was his greatest pupil.

I said you could have been great, but
you never finished your training.

As I recall, you kicked me out.

But you did teach me
one thing, Master.


And you were 15 minutes late
to the banquet.

Soup got cold.

Oh, Feng!

Don't let it happen again.

Gentlemen. Athletes.

I bid you toodles.

May I invite you to select from one of Mr.
Feng's courtesans of pleasure.

Like sex slaves?


No, I couldn't do that.

No, I couldn't. I couldn't.

No, no.

I got this girlfriend back home.

I mean, she's not
my girlfriend. "Yet."

Mr. Feng has gone
to great lengths

to select the most beautiful
courtesans from around the world.

They are fully versed in both the
sensual and the erotic arts.

Well, I mean,
I don't want to be rude.

What's up?

These are...
These are all...

These guys, these are dudes.

They are fully prepared to satisfy
each and every one of your desires.

Well, my desires are pretty much
all satisfied up, right now.

So, I'm good.

You must choose one.

Look, tell Feng
they are all so great...

Fine. I'll pick.


Feeling good?
Oh, yeah.

Hop to it.
The rest of you, get out.


Can I talk to you for a second?

Sweet dreams, Mr. Daytona.

I got a huge day tomorrow.
Big day.

Can you...

No can do.

Look, if I don't spend
the night in here, it's...

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding.

If I had known
I'd end up as a sex slave,

I never would've gone
to that audition in Orlando.

I thought I was gonna be doing
cruise ship shows.

Next thing I know, boom.
Sex slave.

Always read
the fine print, amigo.

Hey, you want a brew?
I sure could use one.

Yeah. Cool.

Here you go, dude.

So... So.

Board game?
You want to play a board game?

Yes, play a board game.
Okay, cool.

Whoa, you got Boggle, huh?

That sounds like
a challenge to me.

Yeah, okay, sure.

All right.

Sounds like somebody's
getting lucky.

Oh, no, no, dude. I want a rematch.
Best out of seven!

You can not defeat me.
I am the Boggle master.

Kick some ass out there.
Kick some ass, all right?

All right. Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.

Be careful. Okay?

All we did was play Boggle.

Hey, how you doing, Master?
Good morning.

Oh, gweilo.

Have you tried
these pleasure girls?

My girl, she really knows
how to handle a man.

Oh, boy!

What the hell is up with these
courtesans of pleasure?

Master had a fantastic time
last night.

Oh, man.


Did you find anything?

They got this place
locked down pretty tight,

but I'm gonna
snoop around today.



He needs to go to bathroom.

Down the hall,
eighth door on the left.

The switch is on the right.

Welcome to
my tournament of champions.

The tournament is single
elimination, sudden death.

Let the games begin.

The game is to 11.

Must win by two.

The first competitors are...

Freddy "Fingers" Wilson.


This is Freddy Fingers.


Randy Daytona.

Hello, Feng's mansion!

How was Disneyland?

Good luck, man.

Blow it out your ass, bitch.

Game point.

Randy Daytona is the victor.


Give it up!

Can I hear a word?

Can I hear a double "huh-huh"?



Wong always did have
an eye for talent.

Too bad they're not good
for anything else.

You killed him?

Well, duh.

What part of "sudden death"
didn't you understand?


What's up?

Come, walk with me. Randy, I
have a proposition for you.

I won't bite.
Not anywhere that will show.

Guess a guy like you has to have a lot
of security around all the time, huh?

Oh, them. They're just for show.
Nobody'd try anything in here.

Give me the thing.

This is the real security.

The whole place
is wired to blow.

I'd hate to have to relocate. The
place ain't much, but it's homey.


I don't usually give strangers the
full tour, but I don't know. Randy...

I like you.

Go ahead.

After you.

Guns is my new business,
and business is booming.

These new polymer guns
go on sale Thursday.

They go right through
a metal detector.

Enough shop talk.

Let me show you
my pride and joy.



It's my own private table.
Custom made.

You have to wear
these vests to play.

The batteries in them store enough
electricity to kill 3.8 men.

Every time you miss,
the voltage doubles.

Two-nothing feels like you just
stuck a fork in a toaster.

Nobody's ever made it
past three-zip.

This guy here,
five-time world champ.

Randy, let me cut through
the bullpoop.

I'd like you to come and work for me
as my personal assistantlhanger-on.



Because I think you'd make a
wonderful addition to the Triad.

Really? Me?

Of course not, no.

I want you 'cause
it would break Wong's heart.

Me, his old pupil, luring his
protégé to the dark side

is such a Kodak moment.

Do you have any idea how hard it
is to get a panda these days?

Really hard.

Maybe he's dead. I'm not sure. I'm
not really sure what they eat.

Oh, well.

Back to the old grindstone.

Oh, man.

You're gonna come to the Vishnu
shrine in the bamboo grove.

You're gonna go, lower hand low five, lower
hand low five, upper hand high five.

And then you're in.
You got it?


If the guns are there, I'll set the
beacon and my guys will be here

before he scores another
point. All right? Relax.

Just hurry!

I blow you a fart.
How do you like that?

Randy Daytona
versus Yukito Nagasaki.

This one is for you, Daytona!

Set and match.

Where's everybody at?

Coming up after the break,
the final round.

Randy Daytona
versus Karl Wolfschtagg.

You are so close to defeat, till it
already reeks of your cheap cologne.

The joke's on you, pretty boy. It's
not cologne, it's Lady Speed Stick.

Thank you, Master.

Listen to me. You said that you were
gonna get me out of here, right?

They were supposed to be here by now.
Look, don't worry, Randy.

I got a plan B.

You got a plan B?

Trust me. Meet me in the
john in two minutes.

Welcome to Feng's bathroom.


May I interest you in an
Altoid or some Axe Body Spray?

Hey, these shoes
look like they need a shine?




I have said some cruel things about you
to my friends here at the tournament.

I told them that the reason
that you hate me so much

is because I had sex
with your mother.

My mother died when I was two.
I hardly knew her.

Yeah, I know.
It's a horrible thing to say.

And yet these things that I
say, over and over again,

I do not mean them.

'Cause, in truth,

you are the greatest player
I have ever seen.

Other than myself.

Practicing in front of a mirror.

Which I do.

Every day.

In the nude.

I'm sorry for you that your
papa is not here to see you.

I think he would
be very proud of you.


So proud of you that he would
probably bet some money on you again.

I could use the cash. Ha-ha.

Tell your dead parents
I said, "What's up?"

We're staying.

Win or lose, I got to play him.

I can't keep running away
from that German fruit salad.

Now I am proud.

It is better to die like a tiger
than to live like a pussy.

I'm gonna go tell Rodriguez.



Open! Eat it!

Eat it!

How was I supposed to know you
were gonna change your mind?

Silence. What's done is done.
Let's hope it works.

I hate you guys.

Mr. Feng,
there's been an accident.

Oh, no!

What have you...

I broke it.

Oh, my God!

Did that hurt?

Oh, dear.

I have no choice.
I have to disqualify you.

I suppose Karl is our champion.

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

This is far from over, Daytona!

You suck!

Hey! Hey, come on.
That stings. Who said that?

Well, poop. Randy, I was
serious about my offer, okay?

And e-mail me
when you make up your mind.

I can't tell you
how disappointed I am.

I'm afraid your reputation has
preceded you, Agent Rodriguez.

Are you still waiting
for your backup?

Bad guys have
homing beacons, too.

Competition will continue
as scheduled.

Hope you're a good southpaw.

- Three-point game.
- To the death.

Come on.

I'm cool, man. I'm cool.

Oops. Clumsy, clumsy hippos.

You should be more careful
with your racquet.

It's not like
I get these shoes for free.

Oh, wait. Yes, I do.
I do get them for free.

Time out.

Master, look. It's your brother's paddle.
It's my winning paddle.

I mean, I don't know what
the hell I'm gonna do now.

Have I taught you nothing?

Game not in paddle.
Game in you.

You cannot change what is past.

You must play for this man.

Here, use this paddle.

It belongs to the greatest
player I have ever known.

Thanks, Master.

Gunter, glieben,
glauchen, globen

All right

I got something to say

Yeah, it's better to burn out

Yeah, than fade away

All right

Gonna start a fire

Come on

Rise up, gather round

Rock this place to the ground

Burn it up, let's go for broke

Watch the night go up in smoke

Rock on, rock on

Drive me crazier

No serenade, no fire brigade

Just pyromania, come on

What do you want?

What do you want?

I want rock 'n' roll

Yes, I do

Long live rock 'n' roll

Oh, let's go,
let's strike a light

We're gonna blow like dynamite

There will be a slight change in
today's program for the final match.

The part of Karl Wolfschtagg
will be played by...


No, Randy, no.

You get to play her
to the death.

I thought this would be
much more interesting, huh?

You bastard.

This is an outrage!

This is an outrage!

I demand retribution!
I did not come all this way...

Oh, great, blow dart, yeah?


Master, you got to help me out.

You got to give me
some advice, anything, please.

Sorry, gweilo, I'm out.

"Game not in paddle, game in
you," is usually my big finish.

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Hey. Less talkie-talkie.
More Ping-Pong.

Three-point game to the death.

Maggie, come on.

I'm not gonna play you, Randy.

It would be an honor for me
to give you my life.

One-zero. Randy Daytona.

I don't know why you couldn't
just say that you love me.



That's not fair.
That wasn't fair.

Randy, I'm trying to sacrifice
my life for our love.

Stop being such a dick!

I'm not gonna let you lose,

Here we go.

This is not very honorable!

I love you, Maggie.

Boring. Kill them.
Kill them both.

We're missing Antiques Roadshow.


Oh, crap!

Get to cover! Come on!

You want to play rough?
Okay! Go! Go! Go!

Stop it! Are you insane?
These are not replicas!

Well, some of them are, but
they're limited edition replicas.

Backup's right outside,
they just signaled.

I didn't sneak in
two of these for nothing.

This is the FBI.

Oh, my God!

Wait a minute,
I forgot something, guys.


Come here, baby.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Get to the dock!

He took my Uzi.

Get away from the door!


Well, that was awesome of me.

Dude, I totally knew
you'd rescue me!

Okay! All right! Okay! All right! As a
friend! As a friend, I rescued you.

Oh, right. Yeah. Right.

Follow me!

This way. Up the stairs!

Oh, crap!

So what? What?
What are you gonna do?

You gonna murder me
like you murdered my father?

You people sound
like a broken record.

"You killed my so-and-so and
you murdered what's-his-face."

"I demand..."
Blah-blah-blah. Get over it.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Don't, don't, don't. Feng.

Listen, you kill me now,

we're never gonna know
who Wong's best pupil is.

For the record,

I think we all assume
that it is Randy.

You win, Wong.

Let's settle this,
once and for all.

This rescue sucks, dude.

I know.

Not you, you're doing great.

Guys. Guys. Guys!

You, take the self-destruct doohickey.
Just show it to the FBI.

Explain the house is rigged to blow.
That will buy us time.

Ready, gweilo?

Any last words?


Self-destruct sequence

Five minutes to detonation
and counting.

It's your point, Feng.

I know. My serve, I think.

What the hell are you doing?
It's over, Feng.

The Ping-Pong table
doesn't know that.

If we stop playing,
it will kill us both.

You mean, you can't turn it off?

God, that's so stupid!


Get to the boat!

Okay, let's get out of here.

I'm gonna save the panda!

The panda's dead!

All right, FBI!
You are all under arrest!



Oh, shit!

That's my point, Feng.

But you missed the table!

I changed the rules a little.

I should have told you.

The way I play, you could hit
it off anything you want.

One bounce, it counts.
My bad.

Son of a bitch!


This guy looks really tough.

You take him.

Two minutes to detonation.

You should've taken my offer.

I would've given you anything.
Anything in the world!

I want my father back!

Lots of luck!

Come on, get up.

Come on, fast, fast, fast.
Heads down. Heads down.

Get your own boat, Pedro!
I call this one.

Guys! Guys!

Me, the money and the Chinese
broad are taking off.

You see this pen?

This pen contains enough cyanide to
kill everyone within 100-yard radius.

Do you think I'd come in here
without a backup plan?

I'm FBI, pendejo!

Now, here's
how it's gonna go down.

Hola. You like chorizo?

Let's get out of here.
He's gonna be really mad.


what I told you, gweilo!

Feng only finished
one-half of his training.

Come on.

I believe it's my serve, Feng.

Big deal.
I never finished the training.

What's that mean?
I have no honor or something?

It means you have no backhand.

Oh, shit!

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...


Five, four, three, two, one.

Dude, that was amazing!

I love you!

We are so proud of you!

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Seriously, stop it!

You ready, pussycat?

Say hello to my little friend!

Are you okay?

Let's go, pussycat,
one more time.

You got it?


Oh, no!

I heard that.

Okay, no more games.

Let me help you with that,

There you go.

Hey, I wanted to thank you for
everything that you've done for me.

So I got you a little something.

It's really not necessary.

But Master will accept.

What is it? Let me guess.
It's something small.

No, don't...

Cufflinks? It's a ring.

I love jewelry.

I can't guess. What is it?

It's a new lucky cricket.



I shall carry it with me always.


Don't bother.
He's pretty much dead.

No, no, no.
I will carry the box.

It will bring my spare change
great honor.

Okay, you do that.
You do that.

Hey, gweilo!

I just want to say

no hard feelings, huh?

Good luck
on the new school, gweilo.

Thanks, man.

Dragon say, "May Wong's school of
table tennis last 1,000 years.

"Or at least until the lease
is up in August."

Oh, thanks.

It's nice.
Thank you very much.

You know, I think we all
learned a valuable lesson.

Dragon say, "This is
not over yet, whitey!"

Walk it off, Randy.

A true Ping-Pong player must always
be aware of his surroundings.

Master, are you all right?

I am going to Disneyland.

Maybe we should
keep this closed.

There's a gate here. There's
a blind man walking around.



I'm not leaving without you,

Panda's totally fake.

Feng, not Fang.


I've been calling you Fang
this whole time.



All right.