Ballbuster (2020) - full transcript

An entitled Basketball star is forced during suspension to tour with a dismal charity league. In the process he has the most bizarre on the road experiences in the history of the game, in the end discovers what is truly important in life.

What the hell, Dad?

Time to wake up!
Come on, the WBL waits for no man!

You want it? You gotta earn it!

It's 6 in the morning.

Yes, that means it's
training time. Come on.

Richie, come on.

Playing professional
basketball used to be my dream

and now that dream is dead.

Dead. So now it's your dream and

I'm gonna be there every step of
the way helping you realize it,

ok? Alright.

Gee. Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome son. Now get
your bony ass up out of bed and

meet me on the
driveway in 5 minutes.

Alright, there!

meet me out there in 5 minutes

or I'm gonna fold this thing and
I'm gonna make a Richie sandwich

out of you. 5 minutes, let's go!


Aren't these the guys that

you hired at
Home Depot last week?

Yeah, they are.

Aren't they finished?

No. They're not finished because
they've got one more job to do

which if they do correctly,
they'll get a little extra

scratch because it's
Christmas and I gotta heart.

It's Christmas?

Awe, you're doing great, son!

For them it's Christmas.
It's not Christmas for you until

you run the carwash drill.

There's a whole
house of presents inside, Rich.

There's a
skateboard. There's a...

There's some clothes. All
kinds of cool stuff and I will

burn them on this god damned

unless you score in this drill.

Merry Christmas, Richie.

Shut up!

Alright, Bring it. Let's go.
Christmas is for winners!

Now let's go!

What? You gonna cry?
You gonna cry and be

a little cry baby and you gonna
quit? Wanna call mommy? Well you

can call her but she won't pick
up the phone because she left us

both to go be a sister wife!

What? You can't be both.

Now get up and do it again.
And hey,

this comes from a place of love.

If I didn't love you, you
wouldn't have the helmet.

Now do it again.

You want to be a winner or do
you want to be a loser, Rich?


Winner or loser?

Rich is gonna be a winner.
Now let's go.

Royals down by one.
Seven seconds left.

This is where legends are made
and dreams are crushed.

The fans couldn't have
asked for a more exciting

start to the WBL Finals. Rich
Johnson, he promised to

bring a championship to
Sacramento after a 40-year

drought and a win here would put
them one step closer!

Stivers is wide open!
God, Jerry, what a hog!

He is not gonna pass the ball.
Rich is going one on one.

Strictly isoball and throwing
up trash in here for the win.

Wow! Unbelievable.
If you don't like that,

you don't
like Royals basketball.

I love Royals basketball!

Joe Riley live here.
The game has just ended.

It's very exciting. We're trying
to reach one of the Rich! Rich.

Freddie, Fred, Fred we did it, man.
We did it, Fred!

Uh, Joe.

Sorry, Joe. Wait,
when did you change that?

At birth.

Hey man, I've just gotta
say look, I mean.

I gotta thank the big man
himself. I want to thank me.

That looked like an impossible
shot at the end there.

Freddie, I'm kidding. Joe, um,

look, my shot was just dropping
tonight. What can I say?

It was falling.

kidding? You shot 28%.

Yeah well you
know I was double and I was

triple teamed but you know,

look, the ball just does what
Rich Johnson tells it to do.

Boom! I would love to stay and
chat, but my fan club awaits.

Rich Johnson! Out!

Rich Johnson's out.

Hey, Rich! Hey, Rich!
Can I have your Jersey please?

What, this one? Oh, you know
what? It's going on sale on eBay

tonight at around midnight.

I hope you can stay up.

Yeah, ah ha.

Boom, my man. Yes!

There we go.
Up high. Yeah. Coach, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. My man. Oh,
that's cold. What's up, bro?

Yeah. Oh, it's
gonna be a good one!


Oh, come on. I barely touched
him. I barely touched him.

He'll be fine. Oh yeah, fellas.

This is what I'm talking about.

two, three championship rings.

Oh my hand is so heavy. Oh, it's
throwing my back out. Oh, yeah.

You know rookie. You've gotta
play at least one minute if you

want to get one of
these. Nah, I'm just playing.

I'm just playing. No, you get
one but it says equipment

manager on it. I'm playing
with you rook, come on, relax.

Oh, come on. Whooh!

Oh man. Hey,
you know what? Guys listen up.

Give me this. Guys, listen up.

Look, we are three wins away

from the WBL Championship, ok?

And I did not get traded
here to Sac town to lose.

Now, now, listen here.
If I have to, I will put all you

on my back and I will personally
carry you all across the finish

line, alright? It's been
a dream of my dad's

It's been a dream of

mine to bring a
championship here to Sac Town.

So all you gotta do is trust in
Rich and then just come to the

parade. Rich Johnson out!

I'm not sure that door

is big enough for
his ego to fit through, man.

No, no, no, no, no,
sorry. Gotta go, gotta go.

I really hate that guy.

Good morning. Good morning.

What's this? I
ordered Eggs Benedict.

Eat your cereal, Earl.

This cereal
tastes like a fruity

Oh, yeah.
Fastest hands in the WBL.

That's your
first steal of the year.

Hey, how to I hear the replay
from my game winning shot?

Why don't you use
my new gift that I gave ya?

Ooh, right here.

Are you ok?

Yeah. No, I'm
fine. I'm uh, I'm fine. Ok, uh

Alicia, play some
Rich Johnson highlights.

Johnson. A slang term commonly

used for the word 'penis'.

Other terms include dick,
schlong, wang, dong, shvantz

Ok, honey. I think you have
a few minutes before school

starts to show daddy those
costumes. Remember, you're going

to model her costume
that she made just for you.

Oh yeah. The uh, nerd fest.

CostumeCon, Daddy.

It's my bad, sorry. Yeah I
guess it kind of looks like me.

It could be a little bigger.

Looks great, honey. It's
just like me. Good job.

You fight crime by
being the best athlete in the

universe. You throw
basketballs at super villains.

And the villains never know when
he's gonna throw balls at them.

Just like his
teammates in real life.

Funny mommy. Funny mommy.

Ok, go. You're
gonna make her late.

Oh and don't forget you're

gonna coach
Jenny's game at 5:30.

Oh yeah, of course. But
first I've gotta take the jet.

I've gotta go
see the Dr. in San Francisco.

But I'm gonna remember.
I'm gonna be there.

worry. I said I'd be there.

I'm gonna be there too.

you're not because you're

already suspended
for the rest of the season.

Really? You think that's gonna
keep me out of there? Please.

Cause you've got a plan.

I've got a plan and my plan is
to get uh, nope, you've gotta

get me Eggs Benedict.

Oh, double
or nothing, bacon. Oh! Nice.

Alright, thank you.

we go, grandma. Come on.

Rich, what're you doing here?

I'm just helping with grandma.

She needs new
glasses for her glaucoma.

We're huge Royals fans.

Your grandson is going to lead
us to the first WBL Championship

in over 40 years.
You must be so proud.

Dude, she is such a GILF.

What the hell is that?

It's like a
MILF but for grandmas.

Do you think she's single?

Yeah I think she's single
because all of her options are

either dead or
can't get it up anymore.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey, people have done a lot
worse things to become famous,

alright? Hey baby, if you were
on Tinder I'd slide right...

into your panties.



She's out of your league Q-tip.

You lost.

Um, what if we tried
that from a different angle?

We did. I don't know
what to tell you Mr. Johnson.

How about the bottom line?

Ok well, the bottom line is, I'm
the fifth doctor you've seen and

we all share the same diagnosis.

Your days of playing on that

knee are coming to an end.

Rich, Father Time is
undefeated for a reason.

Hey Rich, my
son gave me that.

doctors don't know shit.

Screw you. Screw you,
father time. Screw you.

If Tom Brady can do
it then so can I.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

was I just thinking out loud?

Jesus Christ!
You scream like a bitch!

Hey, thanks
a lot for coming today.

Here's the 50 bucks I
told you I'd give you plus an

extra 10 cause you had to
hear all those naughty words.

Do I get to keep the glasses?

Yeah. They
look good on you.


I'm gonna turn them in for
the bottle deposit before the

sun hits them and lights
my freaking' face on fire.

Just remember,
you can't tell anyone what you

just heard.
That's part of the deal.

500 bucks.


You heard me. Five Benjamins
or I tell everybody the doc said

you shouldn't
be playing anymore.

second thought, maybe I should

say something so Stivers doesn't
get caught under the hoop with

his dick in his hands next time.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Three, four, five, there.

And, I'll take your watch.


What, I gotta buy
you dinner now too?

No, you're not my type.

Hey Captain. Can this
thing drop me at a Red Lobster?

Alright guys.
Just chill out. Just relax.

I know you guys...

I know you guys know me as like
a globally famous athlete.

you've seen the commercials.

You've seen the
sponsorship deals you know.

Guys look guys,
chill out. Ok? I'm just a man.

I'm just a man, a man who

loves winning. Yeah, winning!

That's what I'm talking about.
What are we doing here?

What is this
like mascara here? Alright?

No, no mascara alright? The
only black I want to see under

your eyes is if you're taking a
charge. Sit down. Stop, hey,

hello. Hello, hi, yeah, hi.

We're having a little coaching
session here, ok? Yeah.

parents telling you to just go

have fun out there?

They're losers. Your
parents are all losers.


You're calling yourself a loser.

Uh, no. Not
me. I mean them. All of them.

All of your parents, not her
parent. Your parents are losers.

Her parent is cool.
Her parent loves to win.

Look, this is not about
having a good time.

This is about what, girls, what?

Wuuuh, wuhhhh, winning!


That is the single most
important thing that we're going

to do when we go out there is
win! Win! It's all about

winning. Ok? Everything. The
most important thing in the

world. Not friends, not family,
not the environment, not this

plastic problem that we're
having. It has nothing to do

with that. It is about winning.

That is the
best feeling in the world.

Now come on little ducklings.
In the middle.

On three, little
ducklings. One, two, three.

Lil Ducklings!

Alright, girls. Hustle it up.

That's it,
come on. Get those re's, girls.

Get out of here,
come on. Alright, girls!

Oh shit! You're Rich Johnson.

Oh my God, hey,
sign my buns.

No, I'm not. Get out
of here, weenie boy. Move it.


Just really quick man.

Ok, alright. Ok,
now go. Come on.

Let's go girls!

Sorry. Yeah, let's
go girls! Come on. Let's go!

Ok, thank you. Thank you.

you need help I'm right here.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, I got coupons.

I'm okay right now, maybe later.
Alright girls. Girls.

Shoot! You're a Johnson!

Shut up!


No point.

You're a ball
hog, just like your dad!

Foul! That's a foul.

I've seen people get pregnant
with less contact than that.

Trip, she's
trippin' balls ref, come on!

Hey, you people should
appreciate me. Any asshole could

yell at a little girl, but it
takes a funny one to say that

kind of stuff.

I know it's you, Earl.

You can't see shit.
Why don't you bend over

and call the game with your
good eye! That's his butt hole

That's it, get out of here!

You want a piece of me?

Get out of here, Earl!

It's about time.

You know what, here!

Hey, look at me! I'm playing
soccer. Stupid ass sport!

Let's go girls. Hustle it up.
Get those re's come on!


Where did this kid come from?

10 seconds left. We're up by
1. Do not let them get a layup.

This is for you, Dick!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh my God, I
hope that's ketchup.


It's "Weinergate" folks.
Rich Johnson decimates a

little girl with
one monster rejection.

What a bloody wanker,
Rich Johnson put that banger in a

sticky wicket!

We have to talk about
this weinergate situation.

Rich Johnson just tore
up that poor weiner!

Rich, you just
took it way too far, man.

Rich Johnson from Basketball

is involved in weinergate!
What is wrong with him!

Hurting a little girl is
offensive and wrong!

And the
biggest surprise in all of this?

Johnson was actually for the
first time ever,

playing some defense.

What is going on with
Basketball!? He must go...

The World Basketball League's
Vice President Bill Smegman

has declared a meeting to
determine his fate,

and it
doesn't look good.

Yeah, yeah. You wanna go, huh?

Shouldn't you
be handing out some flyers?

Well, I would but
I'm incapacitated right now.

Yeah, no thanks
to you, you dick head!

Beat it,
weenie breath.

You're weenie breath.

Nice, nice.
Really nice.

Get him, boys!

Oh, ok, great.

Ok, come on. Ooh, yeah.

Oh, come on.
Guys, really.

What are you guys gonna do?

You gonna cheer me
to death? Hey, easy.

Just chill out, ok guys? Just
chill. Take a chill pill.

Stop, chicken!

Oh, you're late.
What a surprise.

Yeah, uh sorry
about that, Shmegs.

I was outside signing autographs

but it's good
to see you, Shmegs.

No, it's Smegman,
Bill Smegman, ok?

I know, Mr. Smegman.
I'm sorry. I was just joking.

You're joking? Yeah well I'm
not. You know, you're really

lucky we kept you out of
jail for a felony. Do you have

any idea what they do to rich
basketball players in jail?

Well, I'm sure
it gives a whole new meaning to

the term
"taking it to the hole".

Ah, yeah. But not so good for
somebody who plays defense as

poorly as you do, pretty boy.


Yeah, but you know what?
Look, I got a plan for you.

I don't
think you understand but your

grief to dollar ratio is higher
than it's ever been in your

entire career.

Well that's
good, right? I mean, you're

still making
money. What do you care?

What are you, an idiot? I don't
think you understand the grief

to dollar ratio concept. Huh?

You don't get it, do you? You
know what? Let's roll the tape!

Oh, come on!
Get up you commie or I'm gonna make you

red, white, black and blue.

Come on!

What is this bullshit? Get up.

Come on. This
is god damned ridiculous!

You know, after all these years,

you're costing us more money

than you're making for us.

Yeah, but you need me.
I'm Rich Johnson, super

star basketball player.

You're Rich Johnson,
super star ball buster!

You my young friend

are a PR nightmare. It's a full
time job managing your bullshit.

All this crap has gone viral.
Now we're forced to fix it.

You know, someone once said,

"a man is only as
faithful as his options."

Was that Abe Lincoln?

No, it was Chris Rock.
And if you want to be

faithful to this team, you have
one option if you want to stay

in the league. Look at this
asshole! This is all your fault.


official, starting tomorrow, not

only is Rich Johnson suspended
for the next 5 games of the

championship series, but also
during the suspension he will

have to lead a charity
basketball team, named the

Sacramento Stars, to raise
money for various organizations.

We are told if he screws up,

he will be out of
the league for good...

But if he completes his
service, he will be eligible to

play in Game 7, if the
series even goes that far.

I've got you, kid.

Daddy, I wish
you didn't have to go.

Yeah, you
me and the rest of the world.

Sweetie, can we
have a minute, your dad and me?

Hey, practice that three!

You're going to be able
to keep your promise, right?

CostumeCon? She has a tiny heart

and she can't afford to
be broken by her hero. You.

Of course. Yeah, ok,
I said I would be there.

Hey, let me see that 3, come on.

Hey son, why don't you take your
WBL MVP trophy and show these

clowns what a real professional
basketball player looks like?

It was a piece of shit anyway.

You're not using
your ass enough, Luther.

Come on, Mikey! Use it!

sweetie. I love you. Talk soon.

I love you.

I love you too. You got this.


Yeah. Looks like it's gonna
be a lot of fun, son.

Don't share any glasses
or needles with these guys.

More like a carnival really.

Hey, dude. I left my luggage
out there, but be careful,

I've got a laptop.

There ain't no bellhop
here and no man either.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

Yeah, it's the haircut.
It fools a lot of people.

Uh, yeah. It could be the
hair. It could also be the bass

drum that seems
to lodged in your throat.

Are you saying
I have a man's voice?

Um, you know what I probably
just need to clean my ears.

What up Hollywood
superstar in the house!

How the hell did
you end up with these freaks?

Man, it's a crazy story.
I think about 10 years ago...

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Well I
guess that answers that.

Ok. Let me get off you, here.

Excuse me.

Hey, bad idea.
That's Mobile's seat.

well now it's my seat now.

For a few seconds. Hint, they
don't call him Mobile because

he's from Mobile Alabama...
even though he is from there.

You're in my seat, Dick.

Oh. Um, I
don't see your name anywhere.

Thought you'd say that.

Now you see how he
got his name.

He moves people, literally.

Tell him, Mathews.


You better ask somebody.

Well, thanks Mobile. I wanted
to use the restroom anyway.

That's for
saying I sound like a man.

He look like Avatar's shit.

Oh, Luther,

John Luther.

Yeah, I'm
surprised you remember.

Oh, come on
man. What happened to you?

We were supposed to
be in the pros together.

Oh wow.
Excuse me, man. Not all of us

got drafted Mr. 1st rounder. I
went to Europe. That's the only

That's the only ticket
I got so I took it.

I made a nice life
for myself over there.

Not, I mean, like your life,

but I was able to
take care of my family.

Alright well, at least you have
some pro experience, not like

the rest of these losers.
What are you doing here?

To keep living the dream, man.

The dream?
This is more like a nightmare.

Wow. Nightmare, nightmare. You
know what? You might surprise

yourself by doing something you
actually like for someone else

other than yourself.

Ok. Alright.
Thanks, Tony Robbins.

Superstar needs a nickname.

With a name like
Johnson, who needs one?

Oh, ok. I get it. Johnson.

Good one, Mobile.

Oh, this is gonna suck.

Another day, another dump.

I hope this
place has indoor plumbing.

Yo, Mike. You'll get some
serious double mattress action

up in this piece.

Don't tell nobody that shit!

What the hell
does that mean?

Better pray you never find out.

Well let's just hope
that this place has a spa.

No, but we gave you the luxury
suite with a Jacuzzi. They gave

it to us for free because
tomorrow they're demolishing the

hotel to build up some condos.

A day too late.

You know Rich, feel
free to trash the hotel room.

know, get out all of your

frustrations before
the first game, alright?

I mean just tear shit up,
alright? Yeah, just go crazy.

You want rock star? I'll show
you rock star. I'm Rich Johnson.

I'm Rich Johnson,

ten time WBL all star, all time
WBL leading scorer.

Huh, Smegman! You hear
that, Smegman? Do you hear that?

Oh, you don't hear me?
You wanna feel me, huh?

I'm a rock star.
You feel that, Smegman?

All time leading scorer. WBL!

What in the hell
do you think you're doing?

What's the problem? I thought
this place was being raised.

You're building condos, right?

Looks like
you're building a bloody nest.

Hey, he fell
for the old demolition gag! This

week is gonna be the best week
we've ever had within a week.

Hey, this ain't
the WBL superstar!

Welcome to the stars, baby.

Juvenile. Just juvenile.

Hey, it's me.
How's the knee?

Good. Considering now I look

like Papa Smurf. I got thrown in

the air like a rag doll and
don't let me forget the 10,000

dollars in damages I've
got to pay for this hotel room.

Well look at the
bright side. At least your dad's

not on the tour with you and
you've got CostumeCon coming up

with you daughter.

And at least we get to play some
basketball tomorrow, finally.

Who are you playing?

Some team called the ABS.

They're supposedly the
greatest athletes in the

world but they're
like a bunch of crybabies.

Sounds fun. Well, I love you.

Alright. You too.

Alright, Rich. Let's keep in

mind that this is for charity,
man. Alright so we've got to let

them score some points
and we've got to let them win.

We can't them
walking around here crying.

That's the weirdest pep talk
I've ever heard.

Are you kidding me?

you are the best of the best of the best.

Are you
kidding me? This is-

This is insane. I thought we
were playing a real

basketball game.

I thought we were playing the
ABS. You know, athletes

with six packs. This looks like
a friggin' playground.

Uh, no. We
are playing against the ABS, but

it's the Adult Baby Society.

Don't you watch
Jerry Springer, man?

Oh! Sorry, sorry
babies. My bad.

I think you
might want to use this.

Yo, who's your daddy? I'm your
daddy, that's right.

Yeah, your mama's a ho.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on. Stop crying. Don't cry.

Come on, just be cool.

Just be cool, man.

I don't know
what's going on with him.

Don't cry. Come on,
no, no, no. stop.

Come on.

Mean, mean man!

I'm mean? I'm
mean? Oh come on,

don't be such a baby. Here
we go, ok, here we go, ok.


Ay caramba!

I think you gonna
need a diaper after that.

That's a testicle that's
a technical foul.

You just got yourself
a time out.

Come here. Get in the corner.

You alright, man?
You gonna need a diaper, man?

What is that smell?

You shit yourself boy?

Time out.

C'mon sweetie, c'mon babies

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the halftime baby races.

Drinky drinky! Drinky drinky!

Babies are crouched
at the starting line.

The parents are ready too.

I got five...

Bets are being placed.

I got double or nothing-

And some are high.

And they are off.

Big little baby is pulling ahead

and Baby shit your pants is
right behind him.

Jason Mamoa
baby is falling behind.

Who is gonna-

It looks like we've
taken a double D detour.

It's ok. It's no problem.

Tig ol bitties.

fall asleep. Don't fall asleep.

Don't fall asleep.
Don't fall asleep.

I think I'm in love.

It looks like the race is over.

Come on, babies.

Mama, mama, mama.

I mean, who wouldn't
want to suck on those titties?

Game over! It's feeding time.

Hey man, not bad for your
first game. Now tomorrow, I'm

going to introduce
you to a big fan of yours.

Oh, you mean we're
not playing the adult furries?

Oh man, I think I'm
gonna go find that woman.

Whooh! It is hot out here.
Why are we here, again?

is the biggest sponsor we have.

He always
writes a fat check. Now I never

met the man, but now that you're
on the team he wants us to make

a personal appearance.

Of course he does.

Apparently he loves
his animals. Are you allergic?

Not that I know of.

Man, that is a big turtle.

Hello gentlemen.
I was just taking Augie for his walk.

Mr. Worthington's
is waiting for you, inside.

You'll be taking lemonade
with him on the patio.

Oh, lemonade.

Later Augie.

Mr. Worthington?

In here, gentlemen.

This is Mr. Dingles.

He's a recent rescue.
He's a little bit naughty.

But then sometimes I
like them naughty.

And you've been naughty.
Oh, Mr. Dingles.

Where are you going?


me give you the personal tour

and then after we can grab some
lemonade. So, as you can see,

I'm an animal lover. Cats,
tortoises, whatever. But then

there's the
love of my life Raoul.

Oh, Raoul. Oh yeah,

We met him outside.
Hey, what's up Raoul?

No, silly.
That's just my butler.

No, Raoul is a parrot.
Yes, this is us in front of the Eiffel

Tower and we went to Rio.

That must be where
the honeymoon was.

Would you like to
meet Raoul? He's in my bedroom.

Oh, um, yeah. We don't have

to meet Raoul right now.
We could probably like

Oh, come on you!

Randy, when the lemonade is

ready, ring the little bell ok?

Yes, Mr. Worthington.

You know, if
Raoul's asleep we

could just come back later.

No, he'd just hate me
if he missed meeting you.

Here he is,

my pride and joy.

This is Raoul.

We're celebrating
our 30th Anniversary.

Sorry, do you uh do you mind?

Take off whatever you want.

Hey there,
Raoul. How ya doing, buddy?

Raoul want a cracker?

Kiss my ass. Kiss my ass.
Johnson's a dick.

Johnson's a dick.

Time for lemonade.

Oh, I forgot my jacket.


Just shut the door behind you.

Ball-hog pussy. Ball-hog pussy!

Alright, shut up Raoul, ok?

Ball hog!
Ball hog! Weinergate!

Weinergate! Ball,
ball, ball, ball hog! Hog!

I'm warning you Raoul.
You'd better zip it.

F you Raoul!

Hey mom, does this look ok?

Wow! That's fantastic. Even
Superman would be jealous.

I only have 4 days to
get it ready for CostumeCon!

You're gonna get it done.

I know I will. But do you think
Dad will be there to wear it?

I think even your dad can
manage to stay out of trouble

for 4 days.

At least I hope.

It has been
such a wonderful afternoon.

I'll be right back
with that fat check.

What are you doing tonight?

Uh me? Um...

Oh, we have practice.

We don't have practice.

We have practice.
We have practice tonight.

We're practicing.

You two work it out.

Oh wow, that was awkward.

Hey, where's your jacket?

Aw, damn.
I'll be right back.

Alright, man.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Where's the bird?

In Mr. Dingles.

Oh shit.

What's going on?

Nothing. Nothing.

naughty, naughty men.

You didn't shut the door behind
you. And you killed my love.

Now hold on a second. Raoul

was smack talking me. More
than Larry Bird. Larry Bird.

My 5-dollar cat
ate my priceless Raoul.

Hey, I'm so sorry, but
can we still get that check?

Get out.

Ok. Ok. Ok.

I'm so sorry,
I just have to get my jacket.

Get out!

You wanna see
something really freaky?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, I'm pretty sure this does

not qualify as consensual.

Relax superstar. I really
wanna just show you this. Oh!

That is nasty! That is nasty.

What happened?

What you showed him?

Shit happens, baby!

Oh yeah! You really suck!

It's gonna
be hard to top that one.

No, actually
don't be too sure about that.

Check this out. Huh? Got this
baby at my bachelor party.

Almost got divorced
right before I got married.

Ok, ok, hey, hey, ok, ok.

I got one. I got one. Hold on.

Dude, that's a tramp stamp.

What'd you say Mike?

It's a tramp stamp!

Whoa, Mobile.
Bring it down. Bring it down.

It's art. It's art.
Life imitates art.

Yeah, yeah.

What are you guys playing
inch worm with your dicks out

back here?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Hey Cari, if you're
back here who's driving?

Nick's driving the bus.

Luther, I can't find my shorts.

Don't trip. I got you.

Aren't these a little short?

Uh, just
tuck them in, Ballz.

Hey man,
don't you worry about suiting

up. We've got a different
uniform for you today.

Let me guess.
Smegman's idea?

Anybody hate you
more than Smegman?

This season?
No, I don't think anybody.

Look, if you really want a
chance to play in Game 7,

you'll do it.

Fine. You know
what? It'll be a cakewalk.

Yeah, that's what you keep
saying. Hey, hey, I don't

suggest you
eating locker room sushi.

come on. Just like that hotel

was gonna be demolished, right?

Man, listen. I'm telling you.
That's like eating 7-11 sushi.

Man, don't.

Nick, you never finished your
story. How did you end up here?

Yeah, man. It's a crazy
ride so basically

Dude, what the hell was that?

I'm trying to
stop you from passing

out in the middle of your story.

Oh, thanks.

State Championship.
They're gonna need a miracle.

The all American Nick!

He steals the ball! He's
going all the way!

Does he
have it? Oh my God.


Is he sleeping? Oh Canada has

lost the game and
Nick has lost his career.

and the worst part is...


Alright well,
sweet dreams little buddy.

What is this?

I thought it'd be a good
idea to loosen up with a little

yoga before today's game.

Welcome gentlemen and Namaste.

Nah, I'm a leaving.

Yoga's for bitches, dude.

It's a common
misconception. Yoga is for males

as well. It comes from a place
of strength. It actually helped

me get through my recent
divorce. Now I want you to all

say it with me and
totally buy in. Namaste.


Beautiful. Beautiful.
Bring it back to center.

There we go
and we're gonna reach our

arms out for our first stretch.

A modified warrior. Really
stretch out. Yeah, feel it in

your delts. And then just move
from side to side there you go.

As if you're being served
divorce papers and you don't

want to see them. No, get out
of here. Get out. I thought you

were a hotdog vendor,
not an agent of the court.

Side to side, beautiful. I
love what you're doing, yes.

And we're going to bring it
back to center. There we go.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Time for the Fatalis pose. Reach

those arms out this time with

your palms facing up. And we're
going to ever so gently bend

those biceps, bringing your

palms up to your face like
you're wondering,

How did I ever get to this

How did I end up here"

Oh, he is fucked up.

Where'd you find this guy?

Downtown at the fitness center.

He works at
the downtown fitness center?

No, no, no, no. He lives behind
the fitness center in the alley.

And we're back to center. We're
back to center, beautiful. Now

we're going to end this session
as I've ended every night since

my wife left,
by leaning forward.

Just slightly leaning forward.
We're going to grab onto those

glutes for support. Loosen up
our neck. That will be very

important and just bring your
head all the way down and try

and suck your own dick.

They're just praying, honey.

Just try and suck your own dick.
Really go for it.

What the fuck?

Loosen up. We're losing some but
we're gaining others in spirit.

That's ok. I do private lessons.

What the
fuck is wrong with you, man?

I do privates. It's ok,
I can work with you later.

Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing Rich Johnson as

twinkle the star.

That's right. Mr. Twinkle,
coming through. Yes ok, gonna

need some hand sanitizer after
this. Yup. Sorry about my rays

hitting you. Watch out, rays
coming through. Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry, ok.

A lot of touching going on. Oh

there he is, yeah, the announcer

with the mostest. Alright, yeah,


Ok. I hate you. I hate
all of you. This is a nightmare.

Oh, yellow
is your color Mr. Sunshine. Oh,

mustard boy. I didn't know
Big Bird liked basketball.

Screw you, Luther. Screw you!

Alright Old Yeller.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
please welcome your celebrity

referee, Pierre the Mime.

Here you go.

guys, bring it in, bring it in.

Ok look. Now I know you guys are
looking at me to make this Vince

Lombardi type speech, right?

Who's Vince Lombardi?

Just pay attention, man! But
listen, we gotta keep with the

game plan, alright? Keep the
game close and let them win.

Nick! Nick! Wake up!

I was up. I was up. Sorry.

You drooled a
little. Hey, I don't think we're

gonna have a
problem losing to these guys.

Bullshit! We
can beat anybody we wanna beat.

I don't know,
Mobile. These monks can ball.

There we go.
Pizza here. Get your pizza.

Yeah! Some pizza for
you, yeah. Here you go.

Over here.

Here you go.
Wait, hold on a second. Here you

go little girl. You want that?

I want a piece.

Oh, sorry, sorry,
sorry. Hello. All for you.

Thank you.

Ah! Oh. I am so sorry.

Sir, I'm, I'm I'm, I'm so sorry.

Let me just get that for you

here. There's some napkins. I
think that'll come out. I'm so

sorry to you and
your whole gang. Ok, ok.

Jump ball won by the


Over to Red.
He shoots. He scores.

Monks steal the ball.

Number 25 doing
some mime action and

it appears that Mr. Happy

Star is going for the it's Rich

Johnson and he's drinking the

holy water. Holy crap, the nuns
are horrified! Back to the game.

He shoots he scores.

Slam dunk
and he pledges himself! Ballz

putting on a one man show. He
drives to the hoop and it's up,

slam dunk!

There you go, boy!

And the Sacramento
Stars pleasuring each other down

the court.

And it's to the Monks
and they score again!

Friar Tuck holding position.

Big Red rejects!

Big Red's feeling
power surging through him.

Big Red passes and
another score for the Monks.


Time out Stars.

We're experiencing
technical difficulties.

And it looks like
Ballz has the ball and putting

on a show, dominating this court
all the way down, the master of

his domain.

Come on Ballz, you got it.

I taught him that one.


We now know
why they call him balls.

When I said
show em what you got,

I didn't mean show 'em
what you got, got!


Oh, ho, ho,
that's what I call a loose ball

foul on deez nutz.

Twinkle is going to
attempt a mascot record, jumping

over not 1 but 5 monks for
your halftime entertainment!

Hey man, are you alright?

Ugh. I don't feel so good.

See, I told you not to eat that
locker room sushi.

You didn't want to listen.


Oh, wow!

Ready when you are Twinkles.

Hey man, you sure
you want to do this?

Alright, alright. Look if you
shat yourself it's not my fault.

My fucking nuts! Oh!

So much for his vow of silence.

I'm so sorry,
Brother Monk. Am I forgiven?

You are an asshole.

Whooh. Hey man, well at
least you've got tomorrow off.

It'll give you a
little time to recuperate.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe.

I gotta say man,

you've been good at
taking crap from the guys,

especially for a guy who
walks around with a stick

up his ass. I mean it's a little
stick, but you gotta stick

up your ass.

I'm just messing with you man.
You alright.

Thank you. You know
to show my appreciation to you

guys, I'd love to
cook you all dinner.

the fuck out of here. You cook?

Yeah, no,
well. I'm a good cook. I make a

mean steak. Some
would say it's the balls.

Um, alright. Hey, I'm always
down for a good meal. Alright?


My man.
Alright, I'll see you then.

See you. See you then.

See you then.


Alright, huh, guys, you see?

I gotta say bro,
you are not lying.

This steak is off the chain.

This actually might
be the first time Nick

stays awake
for the entire dinner.

No, he didn't.

Here guys, let me top you off
with some of Napa Valley's

finest Penis Noir.

Pinot Noir.

Pinot Noir.

Yo, you got more?

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Whoa, how
did that get in there?

I love to
cook for my friends.

Yo, you gotta tell me
what you put on this, man.

It's delicious.

Yeah, sure,
sure, sure. I start with a

little dry rub,
a little aged dry rub and

just a sprinkle of

Fromunda cheese
before I slap it on the grill.

Mmm! My mom
used to make Fromunda.


What kind of cheese?

It's Fromunda cheese. Fromunda
cheese. Fromunda cheese.

Fromunda my balls. Yeah! Yeah!

Oh my God!

You guys
just ate my balls. That's what

you get for all those pranks!

You mean to
tell me I'll kill you!

I'll see you
tomorrow, teammates! Yeah!

Get his ass! Get his ass!

That is exquisite.

Mr. Smegman, when are you
going to get me out of this hell

hole and back in the
championship in game 7?


Well let's review your
accomplishments so far, genius.

Number 1: You caused Weinergate

to go viral. Number 2: You
completely trashed a hotel room.

Number 3: And I hope you're
proud of this, you made an adult

baby cry. Number 4: You killed

a priceless parrot. And my

favorite, number 5: You gave a

monk an unwanted
an unnecessary vasectomy.

40 years, Mr. Smegman.

40 years of what?

Since the Sacramento Royals have
won a WBL Championship.

Now look,
I know you hate me, but

this league needs me, ok?

My team needs me. With my
underdog story, these ratings

will be huge. You gotta
get me back to the championship.

You gotta get me to Game 7.

You know
kid, there's an old saying, if

you keep saying that everybody
is an asshole then maybe the

asshole is you.

You love your quotes don't you?

No, I
just love fortune cookies. I am

giving you one more chance,
pretty boy. Don't fuck it up.

You won't be sorry.

Damn Jenny, that is good.

Sacramento's buzzing
with excitement for game 7.

The Royals are
anxiously awaiting word

if Rich will
be eligible to play.

We're gonna have
so much fun, man. Hey

Rich, I want you to meet Stan.

He is the President of the TSA.
He's in charge of getting you to

the airport after the game. You
know he's got a friend who works

at airport security.

Oh, what do you say?

Stan the man.

Oh, huge fan, man. Huge fan.

Fuck! Fuck!
Cocksucker! Motherfucker!

I'm so sorry, I thought that you

just said that
you were a huge fan.

Oh yeah,
I am a huge fan. Tittyficker!

Tittyfuck! Limp
dick motherfucker!

Fuck! Fucking shit!

Ok, I think I
get it now. TSA stands for

Jizz weasel motherfuckin'
shitballs! Whoohooo!

Ok, let's get out there and
raise some money for the TSA.

Get me through
the airport security so I can

make it to CostumeCon.

You ever see a fatty who
could fly? Gookaw! Gookaw!

Military Mic Mac motherfucker!

Ass hat! Skittles!

Daisy! Dick weed!
Rich Johnson sucks the big one!

Ok look, I understand that
you suffer from Tourette's

Syndrome and you can't control
yourself but really just try and

take it down a notch.

I don't have
Tourette's Syndrome.

I just think you're a big dick!

You thought
we had Tourette's?

You don't?

Hey Rich, TSA stands
for Therapeutic Swearers

Association. You know,
Tourette's is a neuropsychiatric

disorder that 100,000 Americans
deal with all the time. Now

these guys, they
just do this to relieve stress.

Ain't that a motherfucker?

Now you're
officially a member.

Mr. Johnson, I'm
gonna need that back.

Big black's my old reliable.

Sorry everyone. Sorry.

What the fuck you

talking about you Mr.
Magoo looking motherfucker?

Foul on 69!

It's ok. Come on. Come on. It's
alright. It's alright. Come on.

Hey Rich, I heard your wife's
hole is bigger. Good luck

nailing it, fuck face. Air ball!

Good luck you shit-head.
You fucking piece of shit!

Shut up. Hey!

Shut up!

Shit taco!

Yo, asshole! Good luck!

cocksucker! Motherfucker!

You limp dick titty fucker
cumdumpster! Fuck you. Fuck you,

you shit-stain piece of shit
nipple clamp motherfucker!

Shut up! Time!

That's crazy. I don't see how

this is so therapeutic. These
people are totally insane.

They're just
cussing all the time.

Ah man, just take it easy man.

Drink up. You'll feel better.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.
You got it, man. Go ahead.

Don't make it hard
on yourself out there.


That's for the
steak dinner, jackass!

What'd you,
do feel a breeze?

Roseanne Bar naked.

Donald and
Melania Trump doggy style.

No! It's not going away.
I'm gonna miss my flight!

Roseanne Bar
naked. Betty White spread eagle.

It's not working.
I'm gonna miss my flight!

Down, boy. Just
get away. Down, down.

No! It's not working!

Burnt popcorn. Wilfred Brimley.
That old guy that says diabetes.

No! It's not working!

Ok, think of my
mom. No, no, no. Think of your

mom. Think of your mom. Not my
mom. Stop thinking about my mom.

No! It's not working!

Some hairy ass titties. Think
of eating Mr. T's ass, like arg!

Get that shit
out of here, man.

Hard. Think about it harder.
You're not thinking about it enough.

Ok, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Ok, I got it.

I'm gonna miss my flight.

I've got it.
This is an emergency.

Ah, ah, put
it away. Put it away!

Back up. Back up.

Do it.


that don't do it, nothing will.

It's getting bigger!

Oh man,
we're not gonna make it.

Don't worry.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

My friend is gonna get you
through, ok?

Thank you.
Have a good flight.

This is Alex. He's gonna
get us through security.

Big dick!
Shit. Shit. Shit stain, shiatsu.

Hey, come on. It's really no
time for that, ok? Just chill.

You know what, my bad. I
should have mentioned.

He actually does have

Boner! Boner! Boner! Boner!
Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!

Hey, don't say that word. Don't
say that. Whoa, Guys

no, I've gotta catch my flight!

I'm gonna miss my daughter's
CostumeCon! Guys, he said boner!

It's not a bomb it's a boner!

Thank you.

Yo, taxi!

Boner boy!

Hey, hey.
Surprise! Surprise!

Uh, this my brother is
your going away party.

But, unfortunately, it looks
like Smegman is gonna enforce

your permanent
suspension from the WBL.

Yeah, well
that doesn't surprise me.

Yeah so we
figured yo, let's have some fun.

Let's let it hang on out. So we
got some hookers in the back for

you. Ok? Just giving you shit

man, listen everybody. Please,

raise your glasses for my
brother from another mother,

pretty Richie.
Yeah, right on. L'Chaim.

Yeah man. You know man,

you're a lot like me.

Tall, dark and handsome?

Ah, you wish. You wish.

No man um, you know like you I

put a lot of work in this game

man. Thinking that every win is

gonna count and every
championship is gonna count and

people are gonna love me. You

know, I thought I was gonna have
family there forever. But I came

back for good and man I realized

shit, I don't know my wife
anymore. You know? My kids they

grew up without me. I don't
wanna get sentimental and all

that but don't end up like me.

Alright, you still got a chance
to make it right with your

family. Alright? Alright.
Do the right thing, baby.

I'm so sorry
I was so hard on you.

Mobile. That's ok.

You're gonna be my dick
all the time alright, man? I'm

actually gonna miss you bro.

I'm gonna miss you too.

Got any last requests?

Last requests? Hm.

From Ballz, any last requests?

Narcoleptic Nick? Yeah actually,

last request is, I want to know
how Mattress Mike got his name.

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok,
ok, ok. This happened like 2

years ago? Like

in Lubbock, Texas. Mike wasn't

answering his phone.

And he's late for the game.

So me, Ballz and Cari go to his

It's not what

it appears.

Motor? Motor oil?

And that's why they
call him Mattress Mike!

Motor oil?

For maximum viscosity.

He's nasty, man.
Dick in mattress.

Oh shit, what is that?

♪ Well that's alright, mama ♪

♪ That's alright with me ♪

♪ That's alright mama ♪

Worst Elvis
impersonator ever.

♪ That's alright. That's
alright. That's alright ♪

shut the fuck up. You sound like

2 mutes having sex.

Hey you fucking shut up you
motherfucking piece of shit! You

fuck! I'll suck your cock! I'll
suck your cock so good! You

fucking piece of shit! You
twat gobbling ass fister!

Now I'm gonna fist
fuck your mouth, boy.

Hey, don't be cruel, baby.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. No one no one talks
that kind of shit to one of our

friends, especially a
half ass looking Paul Bunyan.

What the fuck are
you going to do about it? Ain't

you Rich Johnson? You
used to actually be somebody.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hey you fake ass lumberjack.

Rich Johnson still is somebody.

Aw, this is cute.
This is real cute.

I got some
boys too. Hey boys!

You gotta be kidding me.

You guys
want to dance? Let's dance.

What are you waiting for?

You can't play no ball and
you're a bunch of pussies!

I wouldn't mind
pretending to be walked over.

I'm gonna get your nuggets!
I'm gonna get your nuggets!

Cockadoodledoo, mother

I want to take
life step by step.

My turn, ball sack.

Meet the podiatrist!

Bacon time!

What is your purpose? What is
your purpose? You a grown ass

man in a polar bear suit?

Yes! We're number 1!

Yeah! Whooh!

You know, I
mean, amongst other things,

I don't know why she
wasn't feeling me. I mean

Yeah, right.

Oh, hey. I'm
sorry about game 7, you know?

It's just a game.

Yeah, I guess. But it is a game
that I will never play again.

Look, just
cause you don't play for the

Royals don't mean you
can't still play basketball.

Hey, I
was just trying to help.

Cari, I love
those pants on you.

Thanks for noticing. Ever
since I stopped wearing

underwear, it made all the
difference. No panty line, you

know? Hey fellas, I'll have this
started in a minute. I'm gonna

do a little hand job
on it right quick. Ok?

Aw man, that's nasty and wrong.

Hey kid. You like cookies?

Stranger danger!
Stranger danger!

Easy, alright? I'm here to help.

How can you help me?

My old man made me take like

3,000 shots in the pouring rain.

Well I didn't
have anybody to help me.

Well you do
now. Come on, let's see it.

Cookies in the cookie jar, yes!

Hey, fellas. Over there.

What up, Ballz?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no,

no, no, whooh! Yes. Ok, come on.

Ready? Here we go. Yeah. I'm on
you. I'm on you. What you got?

I'm glad he
didn't swat that shit.

He shoots better than Mike.

I want you to
check something out.

What if that's his kid?

He's coming
down the lane. He's driving.

Ooh yeah! Two points.
That's what I'm talking about.

What do you
say, Smegman? Come on, man.

Too little too late.

Ah man, I gotta get going,
but you keep practicing, ok?

Uh, here. For you.


Keep practicing, ok?

We are live.
Courtside at the World Basketball League

Championship Game 7, which is
moments away, and we have just

been handed the news. The WBL
has suspended Rich Johnson

permanently and
deservedly so, I might add.

You know what?
Screw you, Joe.

Go fuck yourself with that suit.

Go ahead, finish your
monkey show. Go ahead.

Apparently the
apple apparently

the apple doesn't
fall too far from the tree.

Mom? Grandpa?
Can we go home?

Yeah, we can go home.

Yeah, we can go. Get your stuff.

Get your phone.

Wait a minute,
ladies and gentleman. We seem to have a

special guest descending from
the ceiling. It's a bird. It's a

plane. It's Rich Johnson man!

Jenny, it's me!

Daddy! Mom, it's really him.
He's wearing Rich Johnson man!

No, no, no. Don't. Just
wait. Someone get him down.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Yep, I'm naked.

That's why you manscape.

Sorry, sorry. Hey, hey mom. How

are you?
Jenna May. Mildred, hey.

Aw, impressive? You're a chip
off the old Johnson. Good job.

Daddy, I knew you'd make it.

Thank you.

I just wish your
underwear had made it.

Guys, I'm so sorry
I missed CostumeCon.

I'm so sorry for

everything. I'm really gonna try
and be a better father. Come

here. Love you guys.

is it, baby? What's going on?

Nothing. I think you're
about to go viral again.

Jerry O'Connell, show the face.

I want to tell you that your

professionalism just got in the
way of what could've been a

great moment. When I flashed my
natural born, black breasts in

your face, you didn't even break
character or the reaction that I

was banking on that I would get
today and I'm not sure I want to

work with you anymore. Do you
know how many motherfuckers want

me to shake my natural
born, titties in they goddamn

face? You need to slide into my
DM's and see who the fuck I am.

But that's ok. It's
called acting. You could've

act surprised. Cut,
fuck. I'm tired of talking.

Wow, that's
real shit right there.