Bahut Hua Sammaan (2020) - full transcript

ONCE UPON A TIME...

Mr. Mishra, a "posh" area is one

where couples kiss in public
and no one bats an eye.

I wouldn't even stop for a piss
in your area, let alone build a high rise.

Excuse me?

Mr. Mishra,
I don't even talk to people for free.

So, think about it properly
and then text me.

-Excuse me. Hello?
-Yes.

Is this your car?

No, it's my dad's.

Who parked it here then?
You or your dad?



I did. So what?

I don't care whose car this is,

but the car behind which
you've dented is mine.

Do I send the bill
to you or your old man?

I haven't dented your car,
but I can definitely dent your face.

What's going on?

You think you can mess with me?

If I start messing with you,
you'll be shitting bricks!

They seemed quite refined before.

Now they're gettin' down and dirty.

I won't just beat you,
I'll drag you across.

Looks like there's
going to be a fistfight.

I know you're worth shit, okay?

What do you mean okay?



I'm okay. Are you okay?

I'm okay. Are you okay?

You're okay only till I'm okay!
Got it?

Okay.

Are you gonna pay up or not?

Get lost.

-Get away from here.
-I'm giving you the last warning.

Move back!

Oh, God! He broke it.

You think you can ignore me, eh?

Oh, fuck.

Look at his language!
He's saying "fuck."

He's taking me lightly.

If you have the balls,
wait here for two minutes.

-Yeah, sure.
-I'll show you who I am.

I'll show you your worth in two minutes.

-You know who I am?
-Like I care.

I'll stuff your attitude up your ass.

My ass is what you'll be worshipping.

I'll cut you down to size in no time.

I'll whoop your ass.

-You take that.
-Take that.

-Take that.
-Take this.

And take that.

-Take that.
-Take a hike.

Sir, this is for when
I blew up the professor's car,

and this FIR is for when
I was caught with explosives,

and this one time I tried to enter
the girls' hostel and was suspended--

Screw that. How many times
have you been expelled from the hostel?

Sir, this is my first time.

-First time?
-Yes, brother.

All these guys have applied
five times and are standing in line.

They're struggling
to find a place in Birla-D.

And you think
you can make it one attempt?

Please let me speak to Chandu once.
He knows me very well.

How do you know him?

He beat me up by mistake once.
Then he apologized to me.

Chandu said sorry to you?

Of course not. I said sorry to him.

Brother, please let me meet him.

-Get lost!
-There's more, brother...

-Scram!
-Hey, engineers!

-Hey...
-Brother!

Chandu!

Myself Avdhesh!

Get lost, assface!

No, not you.

So, engineers,

whom did you loot today?

All thanks to what you taught us.

Dabloo.

Don't make me call for you twice, moron!

See what they've got.

Are your hands clean?

Be careful. It's imported.

It's injured, too.

Tell me honestly. Don't you feel awkward
around history-sheeters like us?

We wouldn't call it awkwardness, but...

-we have great respect for you.
-Yes, we hold you in high regard.

Besides, we may have studied science,

but our hearts beat
for the arts, just like yours.

-Really?
-Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

-Seriously?
-Swear to God.

You never miss a chance
to start asslicking, do you?

The faulty cell phone
you got last time,

-I'm cutting 2,500 bucks for that.
-Fine.

Brother...

campus placements will be held soon.

Expenses are going to shoot up.

We're like your younger siblings,
so if you could do something--

-Today at the--
-Can't you see we're talking?

The PMS is giving a talk.

All the final-year students are there.

Bony, what's the date?

It's placement day.

We'll be right back, sir.

-Okay.
-We'll be right back, sir.

-We should have told Dabloo...
-Zip it sometimes.

Wherever you reach in your life,

you will remember these years

as the best four years of your life.

And, for some people, five years.

-Sorry, sir.
-Sorry, sir.

Sorry, sir.

-I started too early, right?
-No, sir. We're extremely sorry, sir.

Wait! Where are you going?

The two of you belong here.

-Come here.
-There?

Yes, please!

These two are today's main attractions.

There's nothing funny about this.

No parents deserve children
like these two failures.

Disgraceful.

Anyway.

Those with good GPAs
must judiciously select a company.

And those with lower GPAs
must select as many companies as possible.

And those who have been held back

should finish the semester
as soon as possible and head home.

Your families are waiting for you.

EVERY OTHER JACKASS...
GOT A JOB.

Those with salary packages of more
than Rs. 20 lakh will give Rs. 5,000 each,

and those between Rs. 10 and 20 lakh
will contribute 3,000 bucks each.

-Yes.
-Hey, pay up.

Hey, Bony and Fundoo.

You're invited too.

-It's a pool party.
-Come here.

Junior developer. Congrats!

Thank you, brother.

You won't take money
from your seniors?

No, brother.

You're our seniors. God-like.
How can we take money from you?

So, you think we won't get jobs?

Of course you will.
Definitely, off campus--

Shut up and take the money!

-Bony--
-Give it to him.

You give it.

-Hold this bottle.
-Yes, brother.

Unfold your sleeves.

Both of them.

Sorry.

Here.

Here's Rs. 75 for now.

I need Rs. 20 for cigarettes,
so Rs. 55.

-Token amount.
-Okay.

Congratulations.
Go, make arrangements for the party.

-Yes, brother.
-Go.

Brother, I wanted to ask you.

At the party,
can we possibly arrange some--

Arrange what?

-Powder, brother.
-Come here.

Have you ever tried it before?

No, brother. Never tried it, I swear.

But since it's our placement party,

thought we should make it count, right?

Take 2,000 bucks.

Added 500 for the hostel...

2,000 bucks?

-See you, then.
-See you.

Behind this facade of respect,

I'm sure he thinks we're clowns.

Look, Bony...

The last thing I wanted to be in life

was to be an object of pity.

We slogged our asses all year

thinking we'll bag
the best campus placements.

Look, it's all gone to shit!

Darling, darling, my love!

-Stop worrying.
-Leave me.

Don't spoil your mood now.
Come on.

That ass became a junior developer.

Come on.
Let's enjoy the free booze.

RIGHT BEFORE THE POOL PARTY...

There.

Just look at his face.

Bloody fraud!

Uneducated charlatans
like this godman

are making millions
spouting fake wisdom.

And look here!

An honest graduate student
can't find a single decent job!

Not one job!

Sometimes I wonder if the problem
is with us or this country?

Definitely not us.

-Definitely not!
-Most definitely not!

What do you want, sir?

Paracetamol.

Paracetamol isn't available,

but we have something more effective.
Here you go.

There are no side effects, right?

It's the famous Guru Baba
Anand Bairagi's herbal formula.

It better not cause loosies.

Don't you worry!

Give me three strips.

He wants to snort powder, eh?

What are you doing, dude?

Fundoo! Thank you for the powder!

Get lost, you little shit!

I'll beat your ass into oblivion!

Even Google won't find you!

It's okay.

That's the fucking youth
of this country, the ones getting jobs.

Let's go, Bony.

I'm getting depressed here.

-Come on. Let's go.
-Okay, let's go.

-Are you coming or not?
-Yeah, coming.

Let me wear my slippers at least.
I'm coming.

Oh, shit!
He's switched to crazy mode.

Even the greatest have failed.

Sachin Tendulkar...

APJ Abdul Kalam, Sonali Bendre...

Ricky Martin...

They live in a whole different world.

Live in that world.

-There are more people--
-Look at that specimen.

Hey, Baba!

What are you ranting about
in the middle of the night?

Humanity!

I wrote an op-ed.

Sent it to many publications.

No one's publishing it.
Bloody sell-out media!

Care to listen?

Why are you still on the battlefield?

Come home now!

Relax, chill with us! Come on.

Why are you inviting that bullshitter?

So, the title is...

"Revenge of the Machines."

The headline reads,

"The Machine Age is coming,

"and...

"humanity is all set to get fucked."

-In the future--
-Baba!

How long have you been on campus?

25 years and 7 months. Why?

Has it never struck you

that no one will publish such language?

-Why?
-Hey!

Great. Now start arguing.

It's not a matter of argument.

Tell me. Are cuss words
not part of our daily lingo?

"Fuck!"

That's classy.

Say the same thing in Hindi,
and it sounds crass.

Our language has lost its flavour.

-Fuck! Bastard!
-Baba, listen...

-Harami!
-Baba, listen...

I'm already in a bad mood.
Please stop this ass-tickling!

What... What did you say?

"Ass-tickling."

Look, what a beautiful word!

"Ass-tickling."

Also known as "ass-fuckery."

"Ass-teasing!"

See the emotion in it!

Tickling and teasing,
pure playful pleasure.

Baba, you got a gold medal
in mechanics by mistake.

You ought to be
a double-gold medallist in bullshitting!

No wonder they call you
the Baba of Bullshit!

Damn, now I forgot
what I came here for.

A couple of guys told me

about two bumbling students
from our college

who didn't get placed.

They're unemployed
and twiddling their thumbs.

Check your WhatsApp and Facebook groups.

Baba, there is a reason
we were sitting here alone.

God knows why this moron
decided to invite you over.

And now you won't stop with
your ass-tickling or ass-fuckery,

or whatever it's called!

What's your problem?

He's worried about his future.

To hell with your future!

Slaving away at a 9-to-5 job,

corporate drudgery,
are you ready for it?

Is that the future you want?

Right now you're slaves
of consumerism.

Later you'll be slaves
of both consumerism and machinery.

Because, in the future,
machines will take over our jobs.

And, by then,
you'll be institutionalized.

Life will have no purpose.

You'll drown in drugs and alcohol.

Your wife will kick you
in the balls and run off with your cook.

Then you'll find out
your children are drug addicts too.

You'll be all alone.

And then?

Depression.

Which leaves only one way out...

Suicide!

Do you want to commit suicide?

Do you?

Why get sad over something
you don't want in the first place?

Hail Lord Shiva! Salud!

You're right.

Right.

Right.

But all this wisdom
only sounds good in books

or while you're getting drunk,

but it's not practical, is it?

If I can't even afford
to get my sister married,

my father will disinherit me
from the family property.

Every time I go home for a meal,

he looks at me like I'm a criminal.

I barely digest my food, and--

So, ultimately...

money rules the roost.

-Right?
-Yes.

What do you say?

Of course, definitely.

Now, since money is everything,
why don't you rob a bank?

Rob a bank!

Motherfucking hell...

So, should we rob a Swiss bank?

Rob the bank on your campus.
MCBC Bank.

Want to do it?

There he goes again,
the Baba of Bullshit.

All he can do is talk rubbish all day.

Do you hear him? "Rob a bank."

Why not?

Banks are the cesspool of capitalism.

They take our money and lock it up.

And place a guard outside,
who sits chewing tobacco.

It's a scam.

A complete scam!
Rob every bank, I say!

Listen, mister.

Morality isn't the problem.

The problem is execution.

Do you understand execution?

Here's the layout.

Of MCBC Bank.

Study it.

Baba, you're ready with a plan?

I even have a plan
to topple the government.

The point is I can't do it alone.
Age has caught up with me.

Come on, take it.
It's up to you whether you do it or not.

I'll be your guide.

Sleep over it.

What's life after all?

It's a journey of experiences.

Might as well try
this experience too.

Yeah?

-WHAT SAY YOU, MY MAN?
-LET'S SLEEP OVER IT?

AFTER THE SLEEP-OVER...

-New here?
-Yes.

Yeah.

So, no guns?
Manage fine with a stick?

Yes.

Fundoo...

What the hell are you doing here?

Why?

I'm just checking out the bank.

Too strong, man.

Please keep this, sir.

So, boys...

You're so predictable.

We?

-We're predictable?
-Of course.

What were you doing there?

What you had gone to do.

A recce.

Baba, students struggling
to pay their mess bills,

old school professors
who suck up to the authorities,

these people hold accounts
in this bank.

How much cash would it even have?

What do you think
I went to ask the manager?

The manager told you?

The thing with me is that

everyone thinks I'm crazy.

They "think" so?

And sure, I am a little crazy too.

But madness has its own advantages.

Under the garb of madness,
I get away with saying anything,

ask anything.
It's a privilege.

So, what did the manager say?

It's not a matter of cash.

What matters
is what's in the locker.

Maybe it's the Kohinoor.

-Kohinoor?
-Kohinoor.

Kohinoor.

-You mean the diamond Kohinoor?
-The diamond Kohinoor!

The same diamond
that's in the Queen's crown?

-Kohinoor.
-It's in the Tower of London.

The Kohinoor is in the Queen's crown;
the crown is in the Tower of London.

Where's the Kohinoor?

-In the Queen's crown--
-I told you--

It's a figure of speech, man!

-But--
-But nothing.

According to the manager,
it could have about Rs. 3 to 4 crore.

Rs. 3 to 4 crore!

Rs. 3 to 4 crore sitting in our campus.

Are you in?

-Baba.
-Tell me, are you?

-Good morning, Baba.
-Baba isn't available!

What is it?

I have a fluid mechanics test tomorrow.

What should I study?

First, stand up.

Get off my ass!
Move away!

I'll fail, Baba!

-Idiot!
-What should I study?

-You're an artist, aren't you?
-Yes.

Don't write anything.

Just draw some scenery.

Cows... Malviya's portrait.

You'll definitely pass.
Get going.

-I'll take your leave then.
-Hey, listen!

-Are you getting money from home?
-Yes, Baba.

Very good.

Keep this. Go on.

Good day, Baba.

-Good day, brother.
-Go on. Come on.

He's going to fail,

and the professor will give him hell.

So, tell me what your scene is.

Are you in?

These petty things you do, Baba.

This is why
it's impossible to trust you!

Anyway...

Tell me. What's the plan?

Sir, we need to get two people out.

Send them on a morning walk?

-No, no...
-No...

We mean send them out of the country.

-Yes, sir.
-Yes.

-That's in our domain.
-Okay.

So, tell me...

Who are these idiots
you want to send abroad?

The thing is, sir,

we're expecting a large sum of money.

You guys?

-Yes.
-Yes, sir.

-And?
-And it's all black money.

Okay.

So, if we could scoot with
the money and settle abroad...

It can be done. Why not?

How much money are we talking?

Well...

Sir!

It's a huge amount.

How much?

We've pulled off
a big coup this time.

Yes, sir.

You must have a number, right?

Come here for a sec.

-Rs. 2.5 crore.
-Fucking lame-ass!

You think Rs. 2.5 crore is a huge amount?

-But Rs. 3 crore--
-Shut up!

Our politicians gobble up Rs. 3 crore
as a snack and don't even fart.

Okay, fine.

Rs. 3 crore, right?

It's borderline, but it's possible.

Okay.

You know Choksi?

Mehul?

Yeah, Mehul. He's gone to Antigua.

-"Antique..."
-What?

It has a strange sound!

Yeah.

America?

There's no gun control there, so...

Yeah, that's not good.

So why don't you go to
Akshay Kumar's country then. Canada.

Sunny Leone's from there too.

-Canada sounds great! Yes.
-Yes.

When is the money due?

Brother, our plan is in motion.

We just need a couple
of guys to execute it.

History-sheeter types.

My dad's an MLA from the ruling party!

Yes.

I was born a history-sheeter.

Pardon me, brother,

but it would be great if we have
students from outside the university.

It's a risky job, so...

You guys are really lucky.

Purvanchal's most notorious duo,
Raju and Bhola, are in Birla-D today.

They're from the sand mafia.
Like my elder brothers.

-Show them respect.
-Of course!

Goes without saying.

That's why I'm telling you. Be mindful.

Hey, sis, where you at?

Come here and check out

All the goodies I got us

Fancy an apple?

Or maybe some grapes?

Okay, why don't you tell me

How you gonna
Take the banana?

You sucked the mango dry

Crushed the tamarind to a grind

But tell me, dear sis

How you gonna
Take the banana?

But tell me, dear sis

How you gonna
Take the banana?

You sucked the mango dry

Crushed the tamarind to a grind

But tell me, dear sis

Have you seen her before?

Sapna Rani.

What do you think of her?

-She's nice. Elite.
-Thanks.

She's quite sizzling!

She's our girlfriend!

Both of yours?

Yeah.

Is that a problem?

If you don't have a problem,
why would we?

Come to the point. What's the job?

Play the other TikTok video.

At least see what they're here for.

It'll play in the background.

Take a look, sir.

-Yeah, you look.
-I'm on it, chill!

Let my brother have a look.
He's very intelligent.

So, that's 80 by 50, which makes it--

4,000.

Got lost in all the zeroes, eh?

I was just calculating.

So what if I did it first?

Why don't you only do it then?

Why do you get pissed off so easily?

Sorry! Happy now?

Happy, my foot.

It's 4,000 square feet.

We'll need 7-8 trucks of sand.

Okay?

Sand?

Bricks and cement as well.

-So, going by standard house rates...
-Yeah...

So, the thing is,
this is a bank's layout--

Whether you build
a bank, a hospital,

a public toilet or a cow shed,

it will be built with
bricks and cement, right?

The bank already exists.

-Do you want to raze it down?
-No, sir.

That will be double the cost.

Be clear.

The bank's already there,
we need to...

-What?
-You need do what?

We need to...

Rob...

-What?
-We need to rob the bank!

We...

Come here.

No, sir.

Please come here.

-Do as he says.
-Come here...

You guys are too soft.

Give it to him.

Can you fight?

-Not really.
-Maybe a little.

Can you take down a couple of guys?

-No, sir.
-No.

Then you'll be fucked.

-Fucked?
-In jail.

If you do this,
you'll obviously end up in jail.

Work on getting a job at the bank.

-Don't indulge in such fuckery.
-Okay, sir.

All right. Go then.

-All the best.
-Okay.

All the best.

-Good night!
-Sir, the map.

What did I just tell you?
You still don't get it?

-I forgot.
-Come on. Scoot!

Crawl back to where you came from.

You're here before time?

Wow.

If you had shown this much interest
in attending your classes,

you wouldn't be in this situation.

Come in.

Come in.

Apeksha sweetheart,
can you turn on the lights, please?

Your wish is my command, Baba.

See, Bony!

Baba, isn't this--

No, this is my own version.

My dearest daughter, Apeksha.

A thousand wishes...

What's lying in this trunk?

Stuff from the days of the revolt.

Which revolt?

The revolt against capitalism.

The revolt against capitalism!

Sit down.

Where's the other guy?

What are you doing?

What happened?

It will explode!

This?

Stay away. Sit here.

Get the map out.

-We lost it.
-We forgot.

I knew it.

You guys probably used it
as a snack plate.

That's why I gave you a duplicate.

I have the original.

It's a bat.

Her name is Saraswati.

Apeksha!
Play something energizing, will you?

Here's a song you'll enjoy.

According to Plan A,

you go in armed
and loot the bank at gunpoint.

-Us?
-I know you can't do it.

Which brings us to Plan B.

50 metres away from the bank,

there's a house.

You dig a tunnel from there
leading into the strong room.

Then you enter the strong room
and loot the bank.

That pink house, Baba?

You know whose house it is?
Dubey, the guard.

His daughter's having an affair.

-We'll manage.
-My ass, you'll manage!

It'll take two months for
two people to dig a 50-metre tunnel.

-But there's three of us. You...
-What?

There's three of us, right?

No, no, no.

See, in this world,

there are two kinds of people,
my dear friends.

Those with a plan...

and those who dig.

You dig.

Baba, may I tell you something?

Go on.

You're so damn modest.

Comrades!

A is followed by B,
and B is followed by...

-C!
-C for the chumps that you are.

I'm talking about Plan C.

The water pipeline.

This is where it originates

and goes straight
under the strong room.

So, this is where we enter.

PUMP
HOUSE

We take a right here,

then stick to the road, follow it,
and you'll reach your destination.

Baba.

How will we know where to go inside?

What if we get lost?

He's got a point.

This looks like an intestinal maze.

Baba...

Baba!

Here's the key to your locker.

Take your own sweet time.

This tracker will lead you
under the strong room.

Then you have to cut the pipe
and dig about 1.5 feet up,

and you'll reach the strong room.

Go, grab the world in your hands!

What say?

Done, Baba.

When shall we do it?

Fucking idiots!

What happened?

Your problem is that
you guys get excited too quickly.

Here's the problem.

-A problem here too?
-Yes!

Two problems.

Problem number 1.

There's a concrete layer of
at least 6 inches under the strong room.

Problem number 2.

There's also a steel plate
about half an inch thick.

Cross these two obstacles

and then you enter
the womb of capitalism.

"When shall we do it?"

The two of you just needed a nudge.

And, by failing you,
I've given you that nudge.

Now you're thinking sincerely.

Sir, that machine that cuts rods...

Sir.

Sir, we thought of making
a low-cost portable

industrial plasma cutter.

Interesting.

AND SO BEGAN

THE MAKING OF THE LOW-COST
PORTABLE INDUSTRIAL PLASMA CUTTER...

Eagerness breeds innovation.

Here's the solution for the steel plate.

Take this.

What's this?

The solution for the concrete.

Holy mother of God!

Where did you get this?

Some of my revolutionary comrades
still visit me.

They're active these days.

Baba.

There's this group
that's on the news a lot these days.

Urban Naxals.

Baba...

are you one of them?

-Seems like it.
-Shut up, you stupid piece of shit!

No, no...

-You always do this
-Think before you speak.

-You are too old for this.
-Of course not!

It exploded?

JUST BEFORE REACHING
CAPITALISM'S WOMB...

Steel?

Concrete?

Pipeline?

Apeksha, can you stop the music?

As you wish, Baba.

Comrades, there's a nanoscopic problem
in this plan.

What problem?

A tiny problem.

This pipeline has
water running 24x7.

No, I mean it flows continuously.

I'm just trying to help you guys.

Shouldn't you mention such things
before you roll out a plan?

Many people have complained
about this habit of mine,

but I'm working on it. Seriously.

Baba, what shall we do now?

You won't believe me...

but I don't know.

Even my revolutionary comrades
can't help you here.

Look, I'll get you
media coverage for free.

Thank you, brother.

But the protestors
will come for a fee.

And if you want them to go to jail,
then double the cost.

Why would we want anyone in jail?

How is a protest legit
if a few guys don't go to jail?

Mr. Chandu has a reputation
to maintain.

We don't want a rowdy protest.

-Everything should be peaceful.
-Yes.

That's even more expensive.

It's not easy to keep
the boys in control.

-Go, start the preparations.
-Yes, sir.

Engineers!

What's the protest for?

Water.

What?

Demands of the protest.
The title is...

"Nature's Revenge."

The headline reads:

"Global warming is here.

"Humanity's all set to get fucked."

Baba, the protest will be doomed
from the start.

Fundoo...

humanity's getting fucked either way.

Man, Bony!

I'll proofread it, man.
Baba, read out the other demands.

And now...

our last and most important demand!

As a symbolic gesture,

next Sunday,

water supply must be stopped
for 24 hours in the entire campus.

And if our demands aren't met,

so I...

Oh, Lord.

During our times, protests took place
because some boy harassed a girl,

or if a professor used foul language,

or if the mess food was bad.

These guys are the biggest hooligans
in this university.

Why are they suddenly
so concerned with saving water?

What do you think, Ramprasad?

Hey, Baba!

What's your opinion on this?

Sir...

It's all social media politics.

Climate change is trending these days.

They've jumped onto the bandwagon.

Why don't you become a trendsetter?

Steal their thunder!

You just have to stop
the water supply for a day.

Do it for 24 hours.

It's a total win-win.

What do you think?
Doesn't this make sense?

This.

Sounds like a plan.

24 hours, no water.

Excellent.

Shame, shame!

SUNDAY: PLAN C BEGINS!

Bony, get up.

-What time is it?
-It's time.

Really?

Take this.

Listen.

Key points.

From here on, I won't guide you.

This will.

The students, proctor,
bank employees, water,

they're all out of your way.

You just need to go in and come back.

And most importantly...

-the real booty is in the lockers.
-Okay.

And make sure
you empty PMS' locker.

He failed you, didn't he?

Yeah, that motherfucker's going to pay!

What's the locker number?

204.

204.

Don't fall asleep

-Go ahead.
-You go ahead.

You go ahead.

Take the lead.

I'll follow you with the bag.

Slowly.

Let's go.

Long Live Chandu!

Long Live Chandu!

Look, Bhola.

Our Chandu.
He was such a mama's boy.

He's grown into
such a confident leader.

Every dog has its day.

Our time will come too.
We must learn from him.

In keeping with your demands,

we're shutting the water supply
in the university for today.

Very good.

It's slippery.

Drag it. Put it down.

It's showing nearby.

It's nearby.

It's beeping.

Look here, focus.

Let's put the explosive.

After our discussion,
we have decided that

the water supply...

-Eight hours, right?
-Yeah.

We've decided that the water
supply will be stopped for 8 hours only.

Such a motherfucker.

This is meant as a symbolic gesture

and to ensure that
no one faces any inconvenience.

8 HOURS NEARLY OVER...
ONLY 15 MINUTES LEFT...

Move back, Superman!

I'm wearing a face shield.
Press the button.

Just listen to me and come here.

Just do it quickly, man.

3, 2, 1...

Oh, God!

What happened?

My balls...

My balls are busted!

Serves you right!

A whack right on the ball sack!

My balls are busted!

-Get up now!
-Give me a break!

My balls are busted.
Make sure the battery doesn't get wet.

No chance.

You've found an easy excuse
to make me do all the work.

Not cool.

What was that?

Must be a truck.

Tell the whole world
We don't walk alone

The force of the holy Ganges
Is with us

Where's this water coming from?

Oh, fuck, Fundoo!

-The water's coming!
-What happened?

-Quickly, quickly!
-Water!

Come on, come on!

Where did this water come from?

-It's almost here!
-Come on!

Start it. Start it, man.

Baby, this position
is called "The Plough."

It says that if we do it
in this position,

there is a 90% chance
of conceiving.

You'll have to do it
with a gymnast then.

I can't do all this.

My legs won't go that high.

What good
is your police training then?

Is this what I trained for?

Okay, fine. Look at this one.

It's called "The Whisperer."

Low effort...

Low effort, high success rate.

Rajat, are you seeing all this
on your office Internet?

Do you realize it can be tracked?

Want to be flashed on the news
as the office sleazebag?

You were the one complaining
that we don't do anything.

Are kids born out of research?

Bobby ma'am...

We're going to Manali in 2 weeks.

Try whatever you want there, okay?

I'm hanging up. Bye.

-Did they speak up?
-Yes, madam.

They claim to be whistle-blowers.

That they were exposing
the bank's weak security.

Really?

-Is everything ready?
-Yes, ma'am.

Let's go then.

They'll whistle with their asses now.
Let's go.

Ma'am...

Good evening, ma'am.

Get this place mopped.

What's this?

Why is the room so wet?

I've called the caretaker.

-Get this place cleaned.
-We're your juniors, ma'am!

I'm Bony and he's Fundoo.
From the mechanical department.

-Did he say anything?
-No.

Ma'am, you're really popular
in our department.

You're like our role model,
our inspiration.

Please. We're innocent, ma'am.

We read your name on the board.

You won a gold medal.

I won it in 2007.

Ma'am, we're proud of you.

-So, you're from my college?
-Yes.

You've studied mechanical engineering?

-Same branch, ma'am.
-Yes, same branch, ma'am!

So, how many types of
simple machines are there?

Sorry?

Tell me!

Did you study at all,
or were you too busy whistle-blowing?

There are six types.

Six types, that's right.

Tell me the names.

-Pulley.
-Yes, pulley.

They said pulley. Bring it on.

Pulley. What else?

Tell me quick.

-Lever.
-Lever.

Get the levers.
They're asking for it.

No!

What? Have you forgotten the rest?

Very bad. You guys need some revision.

Ma'am, I have a medical condition.

Sir, surely you'll understand.

Sir, I have a medical condition.
I already have an injury down there.

Ask him! Tell them, no!

Yes, in the morning.
He's telling the truth. A stone hit him.

I'll deal with you later.

You tell me.

Ma'am, I swear to God.

We didn't rob the bank.

We got there by mistake.
We just...

Ma'am, there are six kinds
of simple machines.

Wheel, axle, lever, pulley,
wedge, screw and...

incline!

You remember everything! Very good!

Now, tell me about complex machines.

While you remember them,
I'll ask him a question.

My head's spinning!

I can't breathe!

It's okay. Take a deep breath.

Everything will be fine.

Now, tell me...

Who were your accomplices?

There were just the two of us,
and we didn't rob--

Shut up!

I wasn't born yesterday!

I'm 32 years old.

I know I look younger.

But my time to have kids
is running out. Got it?

I have a family vacation
planned in two weeks.

And if my vacation is ruined
thanks to you two,

you won't be in shape
for family-planning any more.

-Got it?
-Yes, ma'am.

So, answer me now!

I need to take a dump.

I swear on God Almighty!

It was just two of us,
and we didn't rob the bank!

These jokers couldn't have done it.

Move, move.

Have a look.

Could you zoom in a little?

Excellent!

Grade-A buffoons.

Ask them who they are.

Stand up.

Look here.

Have a look. Come on.

Open your eyes and look!

-They're bloodshot, sir!
-Have a look.

That's Raju...

-That's Raju-Bhola.
-They're Raju-Bhola!

Raju-Bhola, who?

Hello, sir.
This is Raju speaking.

Raju motherfucker, where are you both?

I'm issuing death certificates
for the two of you!

We were just finding a way
to compensate for your losses.

We've arranged the money, sir.

He says they've arranged the money.

What if they're working as spies?

How much money do you have?

About Rs. 2.5 crore, sir.

Where did you get
that kind of money from?

It's a long story.

Let's talk face to face.

Don't come here.

Meet me at Sapna's place.

Sure! See you at Sapna's.

I just want to say one thing, sir.

No matter what, Raju and Bhola
won't let you suffer any losses.

Never mind.
You reach there. See you.

Focus on your job.

Go, shoot him in the ass.

Finish your drink. Let's go.

We have to go to Sapna.
Balu or no Balu.

Am I intoxicated
Or is intoxication in me?

There's only smoke
In every direction I see

My lovers lurk behind every door

Such is my magical allure

You're a big ant in a granary

Get a taste

Get a taste while you can
This is your only chance

-Come, o foolish lover...
-Cut!

What have you taught her?

Not this way. Look.

Sound!

Come, o foolish lover
Grab these rosy arms

Come, o foolish lover
Grab these rosy arms

Ditch that bottle now
And sway to my charms

Ditch that bottle now
And sway to my charms

Cut!

Who's flashing that light?

We are. Is there a problem?

Of course not.
We were rolling, so...

You've shot enough for today.

-God bless.
-Pack up!

Done for today.

This smut is what you've been cooking?

Raju, Bhola, you're here?

Cover yourself first.

We were worried about you.

You've come just at the right time.

I was exhausted dancing.

Bothering our girl, were you?

-You know what?
-What?

I knew you two were going
to make it big someday.

Whom do you think it's for?

It's all for you, babe.

By the way...

how much of it is yours?

It's all ours!

Whatever is left after
we compensate Balu.

All of it.

Tell me something.

-Stay here.
-What if the three of us...

took this and ran away?

Wow. I thought of the same idea!

We'll cross over into Nepal.
No one will know.

-Say what?
-Son of a bitch!

Nepal, my foot!

Look, bro. Mind your language.
I can get nasty too!

Why don't you, then?

Go on.

-Okay, enough.
-Go on!

Don't know how to respect a woman.

Speak for yourself.

-I am respectful.
-Enough!

Listen, cut me a line.

What?

You didn't get the powder?

Forgot?

It'll come in a jiffy.

Go, get it.

Why don't you get it?

Both my hands are occupied.
Can't you see?

So are mine.

Give me the nail paint.

I won't.

Give it here. Now!

You are useless.

Fine. Get up, both of you.

-You could have gone alone.
-Why don't you?

I need to freshen up.
Both of you, leave.

I'm always at the losing end.

-Get up now!
-I'm leaving.

Ruined the whole mood.

Lazy ass, can't move an inch.

I'm moving.

If Sapna agrees, it's your turn.
What's the big deal?

When we're making sweet slow love,
don't poke your nose in.

Check it properly.

How does she bathe in such hot water?

She must have bathed by now.

Let's do a toss.

Sure. Why not?

I'm checking your integrity.

-Feel free to check.
-Show me.

See both sides carefully.

Cool?

Heads I win.

Heads you win?

Okay.

Sapna?

Looks like there's danger's ahead.

I've told you already.

They went to get some stuff.

Look, they're going to die.

Why do you want to die too?

Just tell us the truth.

I am telling the truth!

They must be on their way.

Go ahead.

It's your turn now.

Fuck off!

It's time to get into action.

So much love for those idiots?

I'm asking for the last time.
Tell us where they are.

Or you know what Balu can do.

Sapna, we are back.

Motherfucker!

Fucking cunt!

Motherfucker! Stop!

THE MONEY'S GONE...

MEANWHILE...

It's not like Raju-Bhola
are my brothers, ma'am.

How would I know that the fuckers
were going here to rob the bank?

They must have gone somewhere.

How would I know where they went?

They must have gone
to their village...

or to Balu's. They work for him.

Since when did these sand mafia guys
start looting banks?

Is the Ganga running out of sand?

Do me a favour.

Get me information on this Balu.

I'll leave. My cook's also not come.

Dubey!

What should I do with them?

Make them do some heavy lifting
for a few hours.

Get started!

BUT THE REAL TREASURE
WAS IN PMS' LOCKER...

They were students from our college.

They've been caught.
Maybe we'll recover the loot too.

How many days has it been?

Three.

So, they won't speak
for another four days?

Thank God.

I'll be spared from all the abuses.

He definitely won't
let you off the hook.

Well, at least he won't
fuck my life completely.

Hello, sir.

Sir, the...

The Kohinoor has been stolen.

It was in the bank locker.

I thought it would be safe.

After all,
who robs a bank in a campus?

They emptied all the lockers.

Stole my wife's jewellery
worth Rs. 11 lakh. Motherfuckers!

Language, sir!

Sir. Sir, sorry!

But those who've stolen it
won't realize

what's fallen into their hands.

They won't realize, is it?

You think everyone's as dumb as you?

You think everyone's as dumb as you?

I don't care if you put it
in a locker or up your ass,

it was your responsibility!

Do you even realize what's at stake?

Sorry. Sorry.

Get out of here before I...

-Fuck off!
-Please leave.

Just one minute...

Fuck off, you piece of shit!

Shanti...

Shat on my inner peace,
that motherfucker!

Get Guru Maharaj on the call.

Yes, sir.

Yes? Dial the goddamn number!

-Feel the joy!
-Feel the joy!

Feel the joy!

-Feel the joy!
-Feel the joy!

Shri Shri Guru Anand Bairagi Maharaj's
donation festival concludes now.

Shortly, donations
from across the country

weighed against his body
will be distributed among followers.

Feel the joy, everyone!

Feel the joy!

Feel the joy!

-Feel the joy!
-Feel the joy!

Families are created with love,
values and good health.

When you buy products
from Akhand Bharat,

not only do you help the poor

but you become a part of
the vision of a united India.

-Listen.
-Yes, sir.

Put a kid in this.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Put a kid with the man and woman.

Okay, sir.

A child makes the emotion complete.

Okay, sir.

That's how you create
that feeling of family.

Get a kid, and reshoot the ad.

-Feel the joy.
-Okay, sir.

Guruji, I...

I don't want excuses.

Just tell me...

How worried should I be?

Guruji, I...

Guruji...

Nothing will stop
our Akhand Bharat operation.

I give you my guarantee.

Your guarantee?

You guaranteed
the Kohinoor's safety too.

What happened there?

Let me put it straight.

Unless the idea of a united India
reaches every home,

you can't get unanimous
political support, right?

Okay?

Your party's dream
of ruling for 50 years

will be demolished in 5 months

if the Kohinoor gets
into the wrong hands.

Wipe the sweat off your face.

You're smart.
I'm sure you'll figure the rest.

Guruji, I just--

Feel the joy.

Guruji, I... Okay.

Get me Lovely on call.

I'll get the fucking Kohinoor back,
whatever it takes.

Sir...

Hello, I'm working.

I have some work for you too.
Interested?

Hold on a sec.

Yeah.

Tell me.

Since when?

I'll be there.

Madam! Madam!

-Madam!
-Madam, please listen.

Sources claim that the two robberies

happening on the same day
was a coincidence?

Will you let us investigate first?

How do you feel right now?

Stop pushing!

All parents wish their children
bring them glory and fame.

But all these boys
have given them is shame.

In today's era, should parents
stop dreaming of ideal children?

With cameraman Parashar, this is
Shravan Kumar reporting for ABC News.

Yeah, stop the visa process
for those Canadians, urgently.

What do you mean, why?
They went to Pakistan, the fuckers!

Sit down. Come on.

Wanna see something?

Stay away. We can fight.

Really? You wanna fight?

Go ahead.

-Just touch it.
-Sir, this isn't right.

-Touch it. You won't get a shock!
-Sir! Hey, please tell him--

-Touch it once.
-Who does this?

Hey! Sit down.
What's the ruckus all about?

Sit down, you dickheads!

Sit! You too, fucker!

Sit!

Sir, please stay, sir!

Sir!

Bony, I don't want to
lose my virginity in jail.

I don't want to lose it to a man!

The last thing we wanted
was to be fucking history-sheeters.

Damn right, bro!

When did this happen?

Day before yesterday.

He goes to the Shiva temple every Monday.

On our way back,
at Baraipur railway crossing,

he asked us to stop.

-And?
-I thought he went to take a leak.

15-20 minutes passed...

I thought
maybe he went to take a shit.

It happens sometimes.

You go to pee
but then feel like crapping.

And?

After half an hour,
I thought who takes so long to crap?

That's when I heard something.

My antennae went up,
and I ran there.

The mud was wet,
but there was no shit there.

I searched with a torch
and found one turd,

but it was 2-3 days old.

Are you going to take a shit now?

Pee-shit, Pee-shit!

Will you come to the fucking point?

Here's the point, madam.

I think somebody kidnapped Balu.

What I just don't get is that
who could dare do this in our region?

What's your name?

-Pablo Yadav.
-What?

Pablo Yadav.

Is that your real name, you moron?

What did your parents name you?

Pradeep Yadav.

Note it down!

Pradeep Yadav.
Wannabe Pablo Escobar!

What else?

That's all, sir. I couldn't
get the turd along...

Who are you, man?

What do you want?

Where's the Kohinoor?

Kohinoor?

As far as I know, the British have it.

Where's the loot from the bank?

Bank? Which bank?

Just say your price!

Don't take me lightly.

I can issue your death certificate
right now.

You have no idea who I am!

Once upon a time...

a jackal fell into a blue lake.

When he came out

and returned to the jungle,

all the animals started fearing him.

They wondered who he was.

The jackal took advantage
of their fear.

He declared himself
as the new king of the jungle.

But, at night, when the other jackals
started howling,

the new king couldn't control himself.

He opened his mouth,
and his identity was revealed.

Who are you, brother?

I am the moral of the story.

No. No!

-Good afternoon, ma'am.
-Hello.

Where's the Kohinoor?

Kohinoor?

The loot is here,
but the Kohinoor's missing.

Raju-Bhola might know.
I don't know.

And where are Raju-Bhola?

In a crowd and in loneliness

In the depths of longing

In pain and in disappointment

You're the one I miss

Does your phone never stop ringing?

-Ruined my TikTok video.
-Hello, Rani?

Where are you?
You just weren't answering your phone.

I'm okay. I'm underground.

-Don't worry. We're underground too.
-Okay, listen.

I have the loot.

Tell me where you are,
and I'll come by.

Sure, write it down.

Zip it.

The police is listening to everything.
Let me talk.

Rani.

Do you remember the place
I once told you about?

The one near the mango trees.

Where nobody is around?

Where we lost our virginity?

The bungalow outside the village?

Fuck, you weren't supposed to say it!

Shit!

But that's the place.

Okay, so I'll be there soon.
You reach there. Quick!

She hung up.

What did you expect?
It's a bad time.

Look, sir, I don't have
anything to do with these clowns.

You keep all this money
and just let me go, yeah?

Once upon a time...

there was a fire in the jungle,

and all the animals
ran helter-skelter.

A vulture flew and perched himself
on a mountain far away.

He thought he was safe.

So, he just sat
and watched the whole jungle burn.

But when he returned to the jungle,

he realized everything
was burnt to ashes

and there was nothing for him to eat.

What was the point of running?

Collect the mangoes,
be a little helpful.

Eating like a pig.

Take it easy.
Your stomach will go for a toss.

They have potassium.
It keeps you strong.

Sapna's coming.

That's why I need my strength.

Listen, brother, it's my turn

and you need strength?

How's it your turn?

Tell me?

Tell me? How?

That muffler is mine.

Raju, tell me how is it your turn?

Because it was your turn last time.
As simple as that.

But we had to run away.

So what? You shouldn't have run then.

-How's that fair?
-Look, the rules are clear.

Find yourself a new girlfriend
if you have so many problems.

But how is it your turn?

How can you just...
How is it your turn?

I'll tell you how.

-I've had enough of this.
-But she had a headache the last time.

Okay, let's do a toss. Flip a coin.

God bless you, bro! I won!

I won!

Yes! Rani, I'm coming!

Grab the fuckers!

Get him too!

Put them in the car.

Come on. Take them away.

Thank you. Thank you.

You guys share it among yourselves.

Now, let's go.
That's enough. Thank you.

Crime is still thriving
in our Purvanchal.

-We have a lot ahead of us.
-Move along!

-Move along! Come on.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Come on, Sharma.
We have unfinished business.

Sir!

-How are you, Mr. Sharma?
-Everything is fine.

-Had the sweets?
-Yeah.

What's this?

Tigress of Purvanchal?

These things don't matter.

These people don't know
how soft you are.

What?

I mean like a coconut.

Don't shut the door, Rajat.

I've got a gift for you!

What have you brought?

You are under arrest.

What!

There are CCTV cameras here.
Are you nuts?

Punish me, baby. Punish me hard!

Will this increase our chances
of having a baby?

I read it on the Internet.

Setting the right mood
increases the sperm count.

That's why the education department
can't help the country progress.

This is the kind of research
you're doing.

Will you let me work?

What's this, baby?

Okay, I'll leave now.

I'll see you in the evening
and get you in the mood, yeah?

And listen!

There will be a full moon tonight.

If you won't leave now,
I'll imprison you for harassment.

That's what I want!

Arrest me, baby. Arrest me.

Mr. Sharma!

And that's the queen!

There's only one queen.

And that's Sapna!

-Which of you are Raju-Bhola?
-Yeah.

There's some Baba here to see you.

Baba?

Who's this Baba now?

Balu sent you, didn't he?

Tell him we have nothing
to do with him any more. Go on.

Balu is finished.

I've come here on my own.

Where's the Kohinoor?

Who is where?

I mean the stuff you robbed
from the bank. Where is it?

Well, I can tell you, but...

Sit down.

But what?

What's in it for us?

You tell me where the booty is
and I'll tell you where she is.

Who she?

Sapna.

Where is she?

Where's the booty?

It's under the seat of our jeep.

Now, tell us. Where is she?

-Where is she?
-Where's the jeep?

It's in front of Sapna's farmhouse.

Parked right there.
Now, tell us. Where is she?

Where is she?

She's with God.

If there is one.

Sorry for your loss.

Sapna...

-My Sapna.
-My Sapna.

-My Sapna!
-My Sapna!

-My Sapna!
-She is mine.

I won the toss for Sapna.

She is mine.

Please say
you're lying, baba. Please!

It's a 100% true, fuckers.

You're lying, Baba!

-No, I'm not.
-Baba...

Shall I put the corpse
in your lap to prove it?

Sapna...

She didn't suffer.

Very peacefully.

Now, who the fuck are you?

You didn't bring the sauce.

Which one? Spicy or sweet?

When will we get bail?

Justice takes time, my friend.

Do you know what works
in your favour?

You are first-time offenders.

Raju-Bhola have been caught too.

Don't worry.
Everything will be okay.

I'm just glad
you guys are in one piece.

-My balls are swollen with all the kicks.
-Come on, engineers.

You've been granted bail. Congrats.

But the magistrate said you can't leave
the city till the case is closed.

-Okay?
-Okay.

-What?
-What's this, Baba?

I was dealing with high-profile cases,

and now I'm dealing
with these fuckers.

-They're just kids!
-Baba, please.

-They're just kids!
-No more favours.

Smile a little.

-Baba, but...
-Smile a little. Come on now.

Smile a little.

He's Banaras' star lawyer.

His brothers are all married.

His only regret
is his bachelor status.

Right?

He's our revolutionary comrade.

Nowadays he's putting
a dent in the Constitution.

All right, mate.

It's all good
as long as we remain friends.

Your mother has cooked for me.
We're like family, man!

What are you doing, Baba?

I've quit. I promise!
I don't do it any more.

Just had a tiny bit after lunch.

It's okay.

Congrats on the bail.

The revolution's on its way.

Hello. What are you waiting for?
Set them free!

I've already told you
about plans A, B and C.

Let's discuss Plan D now.

What's with the ABCD?

We're getting fucked with a giant F!
Baba, please leave it.

Our plan is decided.

We'll study, finish our college
and work at the bank in actual jobs.

-Damn right!
-What's this?

-Zero.
-This?

Zero.

And this? Hero.

You need to go from
being zeroes to heroes.

-Are you in?
-Absolutely not. No.

You've pushed us so far in,
we're struggling to get out now.

Tell us something.
What's your angle here?

The end of capitalism!

Capitalism.

So, what was the secret treasure
in PMS' locker number 204?

Why don't you use your brains
for a change?

No, we don't want to use our brains.

Just tell us what was in that locker

for which you created
this clusterfuck!

Kohinoor.

-The diamond?
-Look at him.

Was it that?

No, it's not exactly the same,
but it's worth Rs. 3,000 crore.

-How much?
-How much?

Three followed by 10 zeros.

Rs. 3,000 crore.

Rs. 3,000 crore, that motherfucking PMS!

He's been a dean for ten years
with no qualifications

because his tongue knows
which hole to lick.

Now, quit staring at my face
and decide.

Are you in?

Look at him.

Where is he?

AFTER THE TOTAL FAILURE OF PLAN C,
PLAN D - SEARCH FOR THE KOHINOOR...

When you're with me,

you can always expect a clusterfuck.

Dude...

Baba, what happened over here?

Nothing, just a housewarming party.

A familiar object.

Okay, GPS!

The Kohinoor's here!

Does this open?

Does this open?
This is the old model, right?

Motherfucker...

Lift it up from behind.

Looking for something?

Who's that?

Oh, so you're the owner, right?

Okay good,
fuckers destroyed this wall.

There's no decency
left in this word, truly.

No, no...

You think we did it?

No, no...

-We don't even have the key.
-Yes.

We were just passing by, so...
We happened to see this, so...

-Let's go, bro.
-Yes.

We're getting late
for college, actually.

We're getting late
for college, actually.

Right.

What happened, sir?

Where's the third guy?

-Listen, buddy.
-Wait a sec.

We don't need a third.

You're one and we're two.

We'll fuck you up.

What say, prisoner number 370?

And we know how to fight.

Show him, prisoner number 377!

We won't just beat you,

we'll drag your ass!

-Uncle!
-Leave me!

Sorry! We're dumbfucks!

My ass is on fire!

Uncle...

Uncle, uncle...

Where's the third guy?

He was with us, uncle.
He vanished once you came.

He tricked us into coming with him.

-Let us go, uncle.
-Uncle, we're students.

You're police, right?
We'll become state witnesses, uncle.

Once upon a time...

two pigeons got caught

in a bird-catcher's net.

And as soon as he...

Baba has come!

Pick on someone your own size!

Baba.

-Baba.
-Baba.

Come on.

Come on.

-Let's go.
-Hurry up.

-Come on, Baba.
-Come on, sit.

Come on, Baba.

-Baba! Baba.
-Hurry up. Come on.

Baba has been shot!

Baba!

-Baba!
-Baba!

Let's go. Come on.

We'll go rescue Baba.

What are you doing, Bony?

-Bony, it's not safe there.
-No, it's safe.

It's not safe there, Bony.

Let go! It's not safe there!

We were two of us, Fundoo.

And we still left Baba there.

We lost the Kohinoor,

and now I can't reach
that fucking Sinha either.

What the hell are you doing?

-The job you gave me.
-Doesn't look like it!

If it's beyond your capability,
let me know.

And get this straight,
Lovely Singh,

I have dozens of ex-commandos
like you at my disposal.

I'm a nasty motherfucker
politician! Got it?

MR. POLITICIAN

MEANWHILE, AT BIRLA-D...

What's this, brother?

Top-level fuckery.

What? Meaning?

According to this document,

Bairagi Anand Maharaj's
organisation Akhand Bharat...

has given thousands of crores

to Union Minister Ajay Singh Parmar
in the last one year.

In cash, no less.

But why?

It doesn't explain that.

But there are entries with
proper details of amount and date.

What?

Akhand Bharat.

Is the minister charging them
to teach chemistry?

Listen, engineers.

Take this cursed albatross elsewhere.

This is beyond our domain.

Sell the fucking Akhand Bharat shares
we bought last week.

What the fuck are you doing, Rajat?

Baby, baby,
lift the other leg too, please.

Dude, there's something called gravity!

No, I'm holding them!

Is this sex or a circus?

-Oh, shit, I forgot something.
-What?

Please spare me.
I'm already tired.

I've to get up early
to prepare lunch and then go on duty.

Leave that.

Look, this pink one is for me
and red is for you.

I could have got you these
if you told me.

You've totally lost your mind!

I'm a prisoner of your love, baby.

Punish me, baby!

Punish me hard!

-You want me to punish you?
-Yes.

You've seen
my third-degree torture, right?

Pulleys and levers.

If I do that to you,
you wouldn't know what hit you.

You don't understand...

Let me check.

I'm sick of guests
coming at odd hours.

Ma'am, we didn't know what to do.

We didn't even go
to the police station.

I also don't know
what to do with this.

But do you idiots realize
that your life is in danger?

What the hell is happening?

It's case-related.

You sleep. I'll be back.

The keys?

Must be on the dressing table.

It's not there.

Check under the pillow.

Okay.

-Hello.
-Hello.

What's left in the case?

The robbers have been caught.
You found the money.

Now what?

There's lots left.

You sleep. I am coming.

Give me two minutes, please.

-I'm working.
-One minute?

I'll be right back.

We're leaving in 4 days for Manali.

Instead of wrapping up work,
you're adding to it.

All you think of is vacation, Rajat.

While you dream of vacation,
I see dead bodies.

Baby, are you the only one
getting justice for everyone?

Stop this rubbish.

I see dead bodies all the time.

And after looking at all this,

I'm not sure if I want
to bring a baby in this world.

So, where was this diary?

What is this?

Look, you can't do this.

Where's the warrant?

You can't pick me up like this

You'll be picked up just like this.
Hold it.

Where's the warrant?

I am the respected dean
of a deemed university.

You cannot do this to me.

Sorry, sorry, sir.

I thought you just needed a nudge.

So, sir, tell me.

What is this?

Mark my words...

not just your career...

your life is over!

-I am doing it.
-Let me do it.

-You did once. Now it's my turn.
-I gave you guys a chance.

-Now take it!
-My turn.

What chance? This is not right.

It hurts.

The formula that you're looking at...

it's the most dangerous
hallucinogen ever made.

So, it's a type of drug.

It's no ordinary drug.

This doesn't just get you addicted.

It slowly destroys
a person's capability to think.

Just like
when somebody gets hypnotized.

Okay.

And how is it reaching the masses?

Through Akhand Bharat.

So, Akhand Bharat's jump in revenues
to Rs. 10,000 crore

is by getting people addicted?

Akhand Bharat sells soap, oil,

shampoo, flour,
lentils, honey, butter,

and it's used in every home in India.

Every product has this hallucinogen.

So, this is the formula for mass control.

You guys have fucked Bharat
with Akhand Bharat.

Let's do this then.

What?

-Let's go.
-No.

-Let's go, sir.
-This...

We'll untie it later.

-What is this?
-Come on. Heat it up.

No. I've told you everything.

-We forgot to ask you one thing.
-Yes.

Where's the lab?

Apeksha!

Welcome, Baba. I missed you.

So long, Apeksha.

May victory be yours, Baba.

I'll wait for you.

Sharma, if anybody asks about me,
you know what to say.

-That you're on vacation.
-Very good.

So, our vacation is cancelled, right?

No, we're going, but to Gorakhpur.

Gorakhpur?

We had planned for Manali.

Baby, do you want to
have sex with me or the town?

With you.

But who goes to Gorakhpur
to have sex?

There's a first time for everything.

Now, I can't explain this
to Rajat, right?

Our police department
is also part of this system.

So, under the pretext of a vacation,

endangering our lives,

we're heading to Akhand Bharat's lab
to gather evidence,

because when you're fighting
the system,

you can't play by the rules.

I need four to enter...
but I keep getting six.

That's the conundrum of life, brother.

Speak softly.
What if someone hears us?

-Look, someone is there.
-Hey, who's there?

-Wait right there, motherfuckers.
-Hey, wait.

-Wait, you assholes!
-Motherfuckers!

-Run!
-Motherfucker!

Fuck.

Looks like she's been through hell.

-Should we call Mr. Shukla?
-What?

Have you lost your mind?

Why will we call Mr. Shukla?

We'll be in a soup.

Let's just go bury her
in the jungle or something.

She's not dead.

She'll be dead
once we finish digging.

And if she's not dead even then?

Then...

Bloody hell!

Well done, boys.

Does this look like a picnic?
Move it!

Listen, you guys go from here.

I'll get in from there. Okay?

Come on, move it. Very good.

-Looks like a garden.
-What?

Bony, did you see this?

Mother...

Fucker!

Where's the Kohinoor?

I think Kohinoor's his wife's name.

She probably left him and ran off.

That's why he keeps shouting
"Kohinoor! Kohinoor!"

Sir, have you filed
a police complaint?

Very important, you must do it.

We have family there.

Our friend Bobby is there.
She'll definitely help you.

If you need help,
please let us know.

Bobby!

Bobby...

Where is the Kohinoor?

If anything happens to any of us,

the Kohinoor will go
straight to the media.

Baba, take a selfie with me.

-Take a selfie with me.
-Me too.

Get out! Get out of here!

Sir, just wait for 2 minutes.

I'll get the report.

Listen, your sperm count is low.
You can't become a father.

I saw your fertility report.

I just want you to be okay.

I don't need kids.

But I want kids, Rajat.

And I've already found a donor.

Who is it?

Where's Baba?

There.

Him.

Baba...

What was this flower?
Like jasmine or jacaranda?

Hey!

More like propaganda.

Flower power being used
to fool the whole country.

You've saved the plane of
democracy from being hijacked.

Well done!

But in the process,

you've poked all these
powerful people in their ass.

I have nothing to worry about.

I live a fakir's existence.

But have you thought about yourselves?

The thing is, Baba...

we also have
some revolutionary comrades,

and they've been pretty active
the last few days.

BONUS PLAN: MESSING WITH
THE SHARES OF AKHAND BHARAT...

Akhand Bharat is going to sink.

We know this.

You know this.

But Ajay Singh Parmar has no clue,

and he owns a huge percentage
of these shares.

I have an idea.

Let's sell the shares.

Now, you just need to take
advantage of being the MLA's son.

Now imagine one share of
Akhand Bharat equals one onion.

Then Ajay Singh Parmar
is sitting on a warehouse of onions.

And onion prices are rising.

We have to borrow these onions

and sell them at a high price
in the market.

After four days,
news will spread that these onions...

Basically, his shares are defective.

Then they'll be worth nothing.

Then we return the shares
to Parmar at their actual rate.

And in this process
of buying and selling,

all the profit becomes ours.

We are rich!

To put it briefly...

we short-sold all of
Ajay Singh Parmar's shares.

Wow.

Amazing, my Marx and Lenin!

You've dealt a real blow to capitalism.

Well done. Well done.

So, do you feel the joy?

-Immense joy!
-Immense joy!

So, Baba, what's next?

Next? The revolution shall carry on.

When will this revolution end?

Revolution is not a film
that'll end in two hours.

It's a constant force
necessary for democracy.

Just like a flowing river.

If the flow of the revolution stops,

the river of our thoughts
will divert to extremism

and we'll end up in a useless gutter

where nothing can bloom,
neither flowers nor ideas.

If we don't raise our voices,
people like Bairagi Maharaj

will keep the masses addicted
to the drug of religion

and people will keep
fucking themselves

by voting for people
like Ajay Singh Parmar.

The power-hungry will keep
spreading their propaganda,

and people will scream their lungs out,
shouting, "Hail Mother India!"

Only the supreme leader
will be obeyed.

And those who resist will be lynched.

SAPNA DANCE ACADEMY

But there's a silver lining
in this clusterfuck.

And that is your right to question.

So, to hell with respect.
Learn to question first!

Revolution is necessary
to protect democracy.

If you don't raise your voice,
you'll end up as a blind follower.

Be a participant,
not a blind worshipper.

It's your own country, isn't it?

AND IN THE END...

HUMANITY WILL BE FUCKED

What say, comrades?

Is it a hit?

Yes, sir!

By the way, Baba...

You set out to revolt
against capitalism?

How did you end up
as a slave to consumerism?

What is life?

A journey of experiences.

-Yes.
-So...

why not experience this too?

-Hail Lord Shiva!
-Salud!