Bah Humduck!: A Looney Tunes Christmas (2006) - full transcript

♪ Tis the season to be jolly ♪ ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪♪

Merry Christmas, everybody.

I know rabbits are normally
associated with Easter,

but me, I'm all about
the winter holidays.

If you ask me, there's no better time
to come out of your own little hole

and celebrate the spirit of
giving with everybody you see.

Hey! Watch where you point
that thing, you big palooka!

Good morning, Mr. Duck.

I told that pig to be here.

What do I look like? An ATM?

Why is it around the holidays.



every vagrant thinks they're
entitled to hit up hardworking businessmen?

Hey, doc, that's no way
to treat those less fortunate.

Where's your sense
of holiday spirit?

Who asked you
to butt in, long-ears?

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪♪

Happy holidays, Mr. Duck.

We're collecting donations
for needy families.

Well, that's an
interesting spin

on trespassing, pandering,
and illegal solicitation!

Scram, before I send
you all to elf prison!

Now, that's the kind of holiday
jingle I like to hear!

Talk about easy money.

♪ Tis the season
to get wealthy ♪



♪ Moo-la-la-la-la,
greenbacks cash ♪♪

♪ Money and a shiny bucket ♪

♪ I will add it
to my growing... ♪♪

Huh?

Thank you for watching
my bucket, Mr. Duck.

Security! Security!
I've been robbed!

Security! Get over here
and step on it!

Note to self.

Choose words carefully when
berating the security guy.

Attention, everybody, it's
the busiest day of the year.

No eating on the job, Coyote.

Wake up and smell
the coffee, Fudd!

What does he think
this is, a holiday?

Home sweet home. How I
miss you at the holidays.

Stop daydreaming, space boy.

And triple the price
on everything.

Parents are suckers
this time of year.

You have no need pour le
parfume, my Christmas kitty.

You smell of the sweetest garden
in the bloom of the spring.

Hey, Casanova, that's not what I meant
when I said "woo the customers."

Watch the master.

Take my advice,
tuna breath.

Buy a quart of the expensive
stuff and gargle with it.

Hello, my sweet,
you are new, non?

Merry Christmas, Senor Duck.

Or as they say in my country,
Feliz Navidad!

Tonto.

What did you call me?

Tonto. It means, uh,
"genius" in Spanish.

Well, in that case, I guess I'm
the biggest tonto in the world.

Finally. A little respect.

Now where's that assistant
manager gone this time?

Mr. Assistant Manager?

Move it, lazybones!

Assistant Manager Porky Pig
reporting for...

For service, sir.

Nice footwork, twinkle hooves.

Mr. Assistant Manager,

your boss wants to see
your butt this instant!

Be careful what you ask for.

Eh, what's up, duck?

Care for a candy cane?

Stop snacking
on store merchandise, mister,

or I'll see to it that
you're arrested for stealing.

You might wanna stay away from
the "s" words until you work through

that little
spitting problem of yours.

M-M-M-Maybe you could
see a speech...

specialist.

You are demoted to Assistant
Assistant Manager.

And you are messing with the wrong
duck, mister.

Well, I guess I could just take my
last minute shopping list elsewhere.

We rabbits are very "prodigical" when
it comes to having big families.

I've never liked families.
But I do love money.

So shop till you drop, and don't
forget to pay for the candy canes!

Oh, I intend to, Duck. But before
I make my final purchases,

I'm gonna need a second
opinion on a few items.

I don't have the time to...
What about these earmuffs for my aunt Bunny

and these ski goggles
for my cousin Franz?

How about this magic fairy dress-up
costume for my niece Betty?

And how about this pacifier
for Baby Bunny?

And this bowling ball
for my uncle Peter?

Okay. Fun's over.

You... You...

Customer or no customer,
get outta my sight!

Out! Out! Out!

For shame. For shame.

Has your holiday spirit
flown south for the winter?

In case you haven't noticed,

I hate the holidays!

You don't say?
Well, bah, humduck!

"Bah, humduck"? I like that!

Bah, humduck.

If I were you,
I'd be careful, Duck.

Bad things happen to people
who mess with Christmas.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Well, if they're really bad,
and I think you fit the bill,

they get visited
by the ghosts of Christmas.

I'm not afraid of ghosts. In fact,
I'm not afraid of anything.

Except perhaps low quarterly profit
projections and personal intimacy.

So again I say, bah, humduck!

Sir, now that you've finished
with your daily...

abuse, I was wondering
if I could ask a favor.

Do I know you? Y-Y-Y-Yes, sir.

I'm your Assistant
Assistant Manager.

Do I like you?

You don't really
like anyone, sir.

I remember you now.

And you're right,
I don't like you.

That said, sir, I've worked
very hard for you all year long

and well, my daughter Pricilla,

really, really wants that Pretty
Pudgy Piggy doll for Christmas.

It's all she talks about, sir.

She's my only daughter
and I love her so much.

I really would like
to buy it for her.

But since you tripled
the price, I can't afford it.

Can't afford it, huh?
What if you stopped eating?

I don't eat much as it is, sir.

I can't on my salary.

Then how do you explain
the big pink gut, pork chop?

Uh, I'm a pig, sir.

You said it, I didn't.
Oh, uh, please, sir!

It's the...

It's...

Hold that thought.

But it's Christmas.

♪♪

Hmm.

Profits are good,
but we could do better.

What do you think,
hovering cat guy?

Yikes!

Do my eyes deceive me or
am I being visited by...

Sylvester the Cat.
Alias Sylvester the investor.

Unscrupulous CEO of the super-successful
Cat's Meow Superstores.

You. You were my idol,

my inspiration.

Say, you're...

Deceased? A spirit? A ghost?

Why, yes, I am.

I have been so since
last Christmas Eve

when a disgruntled employee
squashed me with a forklift.

Nine times.

That's what I said. But it was
a fitting end for me, Duck.

You see, I was like you.

Small-minded, selfish,
and seriously greedy.

And if you don't change your ways,
you'll end up just like yours truly.

Not a chance.

I'd never be stupid enough to
buy my employees a forklift.

You're missing the point.

You need to start putting
other people's needs

in front of the almighty dollar.

Yes. It's going
to hurt at first.

But it's your only hope.

Before the night is through,

you'll be visited
by three more ghosts.

Each more terrifying
than the last.

Each on a quest
for your very soul!

Change, Daffy.
Before it's too late.

Wait a minute. This is some kind of trick.
Who put you up to this?

Was it the rabbit? Or did
my subordinates hire you

to scare me into treating them
with some dignity?

You're doomed.

Doomed!

What's up, Duck?

You look like
you've seen a ghost.

What are you doing here?

I asked the little guy
in the helmet downstairs

if he knew of any cheap skates
and he sent me up here.

Out! Out! Out!

I'm okay. I'm all right.

Beep beep!

There's something
about that sound you make.

It just plain jangles my nerves.

Ouch!

Well, looky here. It's a
Christmas present just for me.

And it's from
my favorite person. Me.

My very own Task-Master 7000
Smart Office Remote.

Thank you, me.

Huh?

What is it, Fudd?

Ouch!

Well, what is it, Fudd?

Sorry to bother you, sir,

but I've worked 37 straight
triple shifts, Mr. Duck.

Yeah, yeah, get on with it.

I'm delirious, sir.

I can't keep my eyes open.

Drink espresso. Pinch yourself.
Just get back to work!

Ooh! Who does he think he...

I am so very homesick, Mr. Duck.

Well, get back to work.

But it's Christmas Eve
and I miss my family.

I long to hang garland on the
laser annihilator cannon.

Okay, I think I can arrange it.

Oh, goodie, goodie.

Bon voyage, space boy.

Oh! You make me so very angry!

I need to speak
with you, Mr. Duck.

As Assistant Assistant Manager,

I feel it's my... duty

to speak on behalf of all the
ironically named Lucky Duck employees.

I've already, quote-unquote,
taken care of the others.

So, if there
isn't anything else...

Well, sir, I'd like to take tomorrow
off so I can spend Christmas Day

with my little daughter
Pricilla.

What is it with you
and your daughter?

You act like you're her father
or something.

She's my little girl, sir, and,
well, with her mother gone,

I'm all the family she has.

Please, sir. Just show
a little Christmas spirit.

I'd like to, Pig,
I really would.

But how would it look
to the other employees?

You can't always
be thinking of yourself.

Now stop your sniveling and go
assistant-assistant manage something!

We still have last minute
shoppers to exploit.

But, sir, what do I tell
my little Pricilla?

Tell her, bah, humduck!

Who needs a white Christmas when
you can have a green one instead!

Whoa! Time flies
when you're getting rich!

It's a good thing
I don't pay overtime.

Attention, Lucky Duck shoppers!

For your convenience,

our store will reopen at 5:00 a.m.
on Christmas morning

and will remain
open till midnight.

You owe your thanks to the
dedicated Lucky Duck employees

who live to serve me.

Uh, you.

Hey, fuzz-face.
Don't forget to punch out.

I asked for that.

Merry Christmas, Mr.
Duck. See you in a few hours.

Three more ghosts.

Three more ghosts.

Boo.

You thought I was a...
Why are you still here?

I'm still here because there's this
big snowdrift blocking the exit.

That means I'm locked in here with
you till 5:00 in the morning.

Look on the bright side.

We can sing carols, make hot cider,
and string popcorn on the tree.

I thought you said there
was a bright side.

Hey, come on.
Don't you want some company?

What with the ghosts
lurking around?

Oh, what is with you
and this ghosts thing anyway?

How do you know so much?

I'm a holiday expert.

I love them so much that I've
made it a point to learn

everything there is
to know about them.

For instance, did you know that

poinsettias were originally
imported from Mexico? Hmm?

Or that Santi Claus
was born in Turkey,

which, of course,
is normally associated with...

Stop! Say one more word
and I start splitting hairs!

I'm gonna lock myself
in my office for the night

and roll around in my money.

Don't let anyone past you
who floats or says boo.

Boo.

Stupid long-eared bunny. "Santa
Claus originated from Turkey,

"poinsettia imported
from Mexico..."

A silver-haired septuagenarian
and a sparrow.

How scary can they be?

You've been a bad, bad birdy.

You should be ashamed!

Oh, please.

If that's the best you've got...
Bad!

Bad!

Bad!

Whoa there, silver fox mama!

It's time for you to examine
your life, Mr. Duck,

starting from the beginning.

Let's take a stroll
down memory lane.

What if I refuse?

Lead on.

The Lucky Duck Orphanage?

This is my unhappy childhood.

Am I a ghost, too?

Not yet, but you're
working on it.

Okay, little ones.

It's time to meet your prospective
parents, so be on your best behavior.

Oh! Oh! Pick me!

My name is Daffy
and I'm special and colorful.

I'm multi-talented.

And I'm potty-trained!

Uh, for the most part.

And I'm smart and loving and I'm honest
and I'm trustworthy!

And I'm... I'm...

Alone. Just like
every Christmas.

I'm sorry, Daffy, but at least you'll
get to spend another year here

at the Lucky Duck Orphanage.

I don't wanna stay here.

I just want a family.

Now I see how you came up with the
pathetically ironic name of your store.

I can also see how you became the
nasty, selfish, cruel, cold-hearted,

pathetically narcissistic, dirty
bad duck that you are today.

Thanks. I think.

That doesn't excuse you for ruining
Christmas for Porky's little daughter

and all of your employees.

Now, what have you learned from
your visit to Christmas past?

That life is cruel and the only way to
survive is to be as selfish as possible?

Try again.

Before anyone gives me
another swat on the noggin,

I have a proposition to make.

We're listening.

What say we use this
time-travel gimmick of yours

to hit last night's
ninth race at the track?

We put a boatload of money on a
long shot named Limpin' Larry

and walk away rich, huh?

He'll never change, Granny.

That was despicable.

I hate to ruffle
your feathers, Mr. Duck,

but your 2:00 a.m.
appointment is here.

A Mr. Ghost
of Christmas Present.

Oh, no! Not again! Not so soon!

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, you
greedy little holiday-wrecking varmint!

That's only part of who I am.
I'm actually quite complex.

I'm just supposed to take you
on a little tour,

but you're so lowdown,
I'm gonna whomp you first!

Thanks for making me
feel special.

Just for future reference, I'm not capable
of passing through solid objects.

You're just not trying hard enough!
Grab onto my robe, varmint.

Just don't let go.

This is gonna hurt.

I told you not to let go.

Now look what your actions
has caused!

Ah! A Fudd-sicle!

There's a lot more to see,
you mangy varmint.

Cheap holiday sentiment.

Dragged through a toilet.
The final indignity.

I begs to differ, critter.
This is the final indignity.

So, tomorrow's Christmas.

I'm so excited.

Do you think I'll get the Pretty
Pudgy Piggy doll I asked for?

Gee, Pricilla, I... It's
the only thing on my list.

And I've been really
good all year long.

Yes, you have.

You've been
the best daughter ever.

Daddy? Why do you think
Mr. Duck is so mean?

Uh...

I think it's because he doesn't have
a family to spend Christmas with,

like you and me.

Look, that's the Christmas star.

Make a wish
before you go to sleep.

I wish for my Pretty Pudgy
Piggy doll, but even more,

I wish my daddy didn't have to
go to work tomorrow

so we could spend
Christmas Day together.

Ditto.

Why can't you just give the
sweet little thing her dolly?

You don't need the money!

You have a firm grasp
of guilt, Mr. Ghost,

but you just don't understand
the first thing about greed.

Why, you...

How'd you like to ride back to
your office on the end of my foot?

A lovely offer,
but I think I'll pass.

♪ O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree ♪

♪ Thy candles
shine out brightly! ♪♪

You look terrible. If I didn't know better,
I'd think you'd been beaten about the head

with a candy cane,
dragged through the toilet,

and kicked in the tail
feathers with a size 10 boot.

That's not the half of it.

I'm starting to crack, rabbit.

Just a few minutes ago,
I was watching this little kid

wishing on the Christmas star
and I almost felt... something.

No. You?

Does that mean you're willing
to mend your greedy ways?

I said I felt something,
not insanity.

Well, that's a shame, because I hear
the last ghost is a real doozy.

Wait! There's another ghost?

Well, that's my cue to leave.
Good luck in the afterworld.

No! Please! Don't go! Hide me!
Please! Hide me!

How can I possibly resist?

Quick. In here.

No, in here.

Too obvious.

In here.

This is just too easy.

I know. Over here.

Duck!

Mummy.

Listen, Mr. Ghost, I'm not sure
exactly what you're after...

You!

I don't know what they're paying
you down at the ghost company,

but whatever it is,
I'll triple it!

Where are we?

Christmas future.

Try that again
and this time, enunciate.

Christmas future!

Well, I don't mean to tell you
your business, mumbles,

but I think you've got
the wrong holiday.

This place has a distinctly
Halloweeny vibe to it.

Who's the stiff
taking a dirt nap?

Mr. Daffy
Duck never had a family,

or friends for that matter.

But maybe now he'll finally
get what he always wanted.

To be alone
with his money, forever.

Surely I did
some good for others.

I know, I provided them
with gainful employment.

Daffy tried to leave his store
to himself in his will,

which, of course, is illegal.

As a result, Lucky Duck has been
closed and we're all out of jobs.

But for the first time in years,

we can all spend Christmas
with our families.

Good-bye, Mr. Duck.

Or as you liked
to say, bah, humduck.

Please! Do something!

I don't wanna end up
lonely and alone.

Now, that was just plain rude.

Mr. Daffy? I know
everybody hated you.

But I never hated you.

Because I know as much
as anyone how sad and angry

it can make a person to be
without family at the holidays.

So, if you're up there watching,

or down there, in your case,
I want you to know that

you don't have to be
one anymore.

'Cause from now on, every
Christmas, I'll come visit you.

In case you don't know, it's the one day
of the year when everyone is family.

I made you
some Christmas cookies.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Duck.

You know, mumbles,
I said I was sorry before.

But now I really am.

Can I please have second chance?

Go!

I'm alive! I'm okay!

More importantly,
I'm a changed duck,

filled with the spirit
of giving!

Fudd, Fudd? Thaw, Fudd! Thaw!

What day is it?

Christmas Day.

Then I haven't missed it.

I'm giving you a raise and a
month-long vacation in sunny Hawaii!

But first, we've got
work to do. Come on!

It's time to save Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Marvin!

I bought you a rocket so you
can fly home for the holidays!

If you travel at the speed of light,
you should make it by yesterday!

Oh! You make me very happy!

You'll never be
hungry again, Coyote.

I'm hiring you
your own personal chef!

Hey, Speedy!
Merry Christmas!

Or as they say in your
country, fleas and eggnog!

Eh, it's close enough.

A Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll
for the pretty, pretty piggy.

And Pretty Pudgy
Piggy doll accessories,

complete with Pretty Pudgy
Piggy doll pony

and Pretty Pudgy Piggy doll
dream house.

And that's not all! I'm giving your
dad, I mean my new store manager,

and all my other loyal employees
a raise and a paid vacation!

Are you okay, sir?

I'm better than okay.

After all these years
of greed and selfishness,

I finally feel like...
A lucky duck!

It's a miracle, Daddy.

Yes, dear, a miracle.

Sir, I know you don't have
a regular family,

but today, we'd like you
to be a part of ours.

In case you don't know, that's what
Christmas is all about, Mr. Duck.

Aw.

I say... I say, son...

Huh?

Presents, cash bonuses,
improved health coverage.

I'm gonna go broke!

I gotta think of a strategy
to reverse the situation.

Should I steal back
all the presents?

Should I cut
everyone's salaries?

I gotta concentrate.

Excuse me, sir.
Would you like a cookie?

Merry Christmas, Uncle Daffy.

Uncle? Well, that may be
pushing it a little...

Okay. Uncle Daffy it is.

The varmint did it.
He plum turned hisself around.

Ghost of Christmas
Yet to Come happy.

Everyone, can I have
your attention?

I want to propose
a toast to Mr. Daffy, the...

The greatest boss ever.

Merry Christmas!

Don't you just love
the holidays?

That's all, folks!