Baghead (2008) - full transcript

MAN ON SCREEN: Baby,
come down here right now
and talk to me. I love you.

I love you!

WOMAN ON SCREEN:
You're full of shit.

MAN: I love you.

You know that thing
I said I would never do?

I'm gonna do it right now.

Right now, I'm gonna do it!

WOMAN: I don't believe you.
Why?

What's different this time?

MAN: I'll show you what's
different this time.

Sweet.



(LAUGHS)

Shut up.

Yeah.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(WHISTLES)

Hi, everybody.
Thank you for coming.
I'm Kristin Thompson.

I'm the director
of the Los Angeles
Underground Film Festival.

We are very lucky today
to have the filmmaker.

I'd like to
welcome Jett Garner

to come down
for a few questions.

(MAN WHOOPING)

Thank you very much.

Testing. Yes. Questions?

Yes, sir?



What was your budget?

I actually
shot it slightly
under $1000, and...

(MAN EXCLAIMS)

Well, it's actually
about twice as much

as I wanted to
shoot it for, so...

Yes?

How did you
do it so cheap?

Well, I used
my parents' camera.
They had a mini DV camera,

and mini DV tapes
aren't that expensive.

And I shot it in my town,
and shot it with real light.

You know, Hollywood
has us convinced that
it takes $100 million

to make
a quality
piece of art,

and that's
a piece-of-crap statement.

I think you just
saw that, right?

So, any other
questions or comments?

Yes?

Was there any improvisation?

Well, that's an
interesting question,

and I guess I would come
back with another question.

When you wake
up in the morning,
do you think about

what you're going
to say to everyone
during the day?

No. So why do that in film?

In fact, a lot
of those scenes
are completely real.

The people in the
scenes had no idea
that they were on film.

You know,
we had kind of...

Well, I don't want to
give away all my secrets,
but we had some...

What's the word?
Camouflage going on,

so some of the
people you see in there

didn't even know
they were in a movie
until I showed them

a few weeks ago
back in my hometown.

Any other
questions or comments?

KRISTIN: Great.
Thank you so much.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Thank you, Jett Garner.
And also, I just want
to remind everybody

that the afterparty
is at Arts on Real,

so we'll see you there.

CATHERINE:
No, I was not, Chad.

MICHELLE:
So, what's the deal?

All right,
so, here's the deal.
We need to be on the list,

or we need to have
one of those little badges.

Okay.

I really want to
go to this party.

CATHERINE: Yeah, we'll get in.
MATT: All right.

It will be really fun.

There's a back door,
right on the left hand side.

There's gotta be a way
we can get in, all right?

MICHELLE:
Look, it's Jett Garner.

CATHERINE: Honey, you
know him. Go talk to him.

MATT: He's not
going to remember me.

Hey.
Hey, Jett Garner.

Hi.

Dude. Matt,
I thought that was you.

Hey, man.
What's up, man?

What's up, man? How are you?
I'm all right. How are you?

Congratulations.
Your film was awesome.

I'm glad you liked it.

I was so blown away, man.

Good. Good.
It was amazing.

I'd love to talk
to you about it more.

Definitely.
Can I get your digits,
so we can hook up?

Yeah, yeah, man.

Cool.
Give me a call.

Thanks, brother.
You should call me.

MAN: Jett, let's go.
Thanks, Dave.

I gotta get inside.
So, you guys are coming in?

Yeah. We're definitely
coming in.

You gotta look me up.

I'll come in and find you.
Okay.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

Hey, guys. Thanks, man.
Congratulations.

Good seeing you.
MICHELLE: Bye, Jett Garner.

(LAUGHS) Bye.

Did you just say
his film was awesome?

So is he getting us in?

MATT: I didn't ask him.

You didn't get the badge?

No, I can't. That's...
Why didn't you ask him for it?

'Cause it seemed desperate.

You can't just
ask somebody...
CATHERINE: Yes, you can.

You were just
talking to him,

and you're friends with him.
You pussed out, dude.

He's got his parents.
He's got his friends.
You can't do that.

You guys, you guys,
I got it. Just watch me.

MATT: What is she doing?

She's amazing.

CATHERINE:
If she gets in, I'll shit.

MATT: She's not gonna get in.

Look at that girl go.

She just got in.

She just got in.

I'm going, too.

Fuck.

Chad.

Excuse me.

Hey. Hi. Hi.

Mr. Wallet-phone,
are you on the list?

Yeah. Jett Garner.

Is there a problem here?

That's not your name.

Just do me a favor
and walk away.

Do yourself a favor
and walk away.

I'm not gonna deal with this.

Okay.

Matty, your face looks sad.
Is it okay if I call you
Matty?

You can call me Matty.
I'm just bored.

MICHELLE: Really?
You bored?

You want me to call
someone for you
on your phone?

Yeah, no.
The afterparty was
horrible, so we left

and we decided to
come to O'Sullivan's
and have some cocktails.

MATT: That's funny.
It's really off the hook here.

Yeah, that's very funny,
Chad.

It was a good idea.

It was a good idea.

MATT: It was inventive.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Michelle, would you
like to come with me?

Yeah.

CATHERINE: Okay, boys.
See you in a second.

Bye.

I was noticing
some illegal contact
in the movie theater.

What are you talking about?

Catherine had her
hand on your back.

Dude, it's fine.

Chad, don't worry about it.

Catherine and I are over.

Okay.

So, I don't know
if this is sensitive
or whatever, but I was...

Do you...
Have you and Matt dated?

Let's see.
We've gone out on and
off for about 11 years.

It's like...

You guys are
going out right now?

We've gotten to the point
where we don't need
to label anything.

You know, we're
definitely soul mates.

He's definitely
the love of my life.

That's cool.

I really like
your necklace a lot.
It's really pretty.

Thank you. Actually,
my agent gave me this.

I don't have an agent.

You don't?

No, but...
Aw...

I'm gonna get one.

Yeah.

When was the last time one
of us had a major role in
a feature film?

It's been a long time.

Never.
We've never had
a role in a big film.

So, you write a part
for Michelle. Right?

Mmm-hmm.

We write
a part for you.
Write a part for me.

Write a part for Catherine.

Yeah, I...
This will jump
start our career, dude.

It'll launch our
career if we just do it.

I mean, if Jett Garner
can do it, we can do it.

I don't know.
We gotta do this!

Right now,
I'm hanging
out with Michelle.

Things are going
good between me and her.

I think things are clicking.

I feel like something's
really going to happen
between me and her.

So, how long
have you known Chad?

About three months or so.

Wow, and are...
Do you like him?

Yeah.

Good.

But not... Friend-like.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Does he know that?

We'll spend a whole weekend.

We'll just create together.

We'll spend
a weekend together.

That's what
I'm talking about.

It's brilliant.

CATHERINE: Hey.

Hey, ladies.

MICHELLE: Hi.

Girls, we have
a brilliant idea.

It's a genius idea.

We're going to write
a movie this weekend.

CHAD: My uncle has
a cabin on Big Bear.

We drive up
there this weekend.

We hole up.
We write a feature
film that stars us.

There's gonna be parts
for all of us, right?

We're gonna write
things that are suited...

MICHELLE: So we're
gonna be in this movie?

CHAD: Right.
Like Jett Garner did,
but his movie sucked.

Jett Garner's
movie sucked, but...
MATT: Sucked butt, right?

CATHERINE: Yeah,
that's great. Good.
This'll be...

MICHELLE: I think
it's a great idea.

CATHERINE: Awesome.

MICHELLE: When are we going?
CATHERINE: Yeah, when?

I think we should go tonight.

MICHELLE: Cool.

Wow.

So this is it, you know?

This is really nice.

The kitchen area.
The living area,
over there.

We can eat there.

Bathroom and
bedroom upstairs,

and the two
bedrooms next door.

MICHELLE: This is awesome.

I'm just not sure
where I should put my...

Where should we put
our luggage now, Chad?

* We don't have any
motherfucking ideas

* This movie
ain't gonna happen

* But I do know
that Michelle is fine

(LAUGHS)

* She's blowing,
blowing my mind
Michelle

* That's me

* That's you

* That's me

MATT: * That's them

* That's you

Oh, God.

Let's do this, all right?

One time
we're going to get
the plot down, that's it.

All right,
before we go to sleep,

we'll all come
up with the plot.

We'll come up
with at least...

All right,
we have four characters.

There's four people.
There's four actors.

What happens?

Come on, Chad. What happens?

What do you want to happen?

Love.

I want love to happen.

All right. Love.
Who's in love?

The main character
is in love with someone.

Or two people.

(BURPS)

Sorry.
CHAD: It's okay.

CATHERINE: Someone's
a little bit buzzed.

CHAD: That was cute.

There's that, and there's
some other guy who is like

snorting cocaine off
the back of the toilet.

There's a guy
taking a shit.

There's, like, all these
people just hanging out
in the bathroom.

And then they get stuck.
They get stuck in the
bathroom,

and nobody can leave, right?

So they're all
in the bathroom.

And they're just like...

MICHELLE: That's like...
They're stuck
in the bathroom.

CHAD: * Michelle

Yes?
Let's go back to
the apartment thing.

(CHAD AND MICHELLE LAUGH)

* Can you hear
me whispering? *

Yes.
MATT: Chad.

CATHERINE: You guys, listen.
MICHELLE: Where's my beer?

Yoo-hoo.
CHAD: I moved it,
so it didn't spill.

MATT: Chad.
Chad.

Listen, Matt's
asking you something.

All right. Come on.
Let's just keep it
simple, Chad. Chad.

MICHELLE:
I'm pooped.
I gotta go to bed.

MATT: Don't go to sleep.
Come on.

Good night.

The idea that
you had was great.
I gotta go to sleep.

No. Come on.
I gotta go.

I gotta go to sleep.

MATT: Michelle.
Good night.

MATT: Michelle, wait, wait.
Come on. Michelle. Michelle.

Wait a second, Michelle.

Good night.
You guys get good ideas.

MATT: Chad.

Chad, let's do this. Come on.

I'm going to bed.

MATT: Dude, you
can't go to bed.

Yes.
It's so early. Come on.

I am sacking out.

Chad.
We love you.

I'm out. Later, dawg.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey.
Hey.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Okay.

You just
seemed sort of,
I don't know, upset.

You walked out.

I thought maybe
something was wrong.

No, I'm fine.

That's good.

It's pretty clear
that the movie thing
is not working out.

I don't think that's true.

Come on,
it was a pretty stupid idea.

No, it's not stupid at all.

To think that we're
all gonna come up here

and actually do
something for once.

I think it's a great idea.

How many times
have we said that, that
we're gonna do something?

And then we start,
and then we never
finish it.

But we are
gonna finish it,
and that's the point.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah?

Hi.

Hey.

What's going on?

Nothing. How are you?

I am doing...

Pretty, pretty, pretty good.

Pretty, pretty, pretty good.

That's good.
That's really good.

I...

I just wanted
to tell you...

Mmm-hmm?

That I think
you're amazing.

I think you're amazing, too.

Chad, you're so amazing.

No, but I really think that

you are probably the most

sweet and innocent
and pure people that
I think I've ever met.

That's what's
so great about you.

You're like...

You're like...

You're like
my best friend, but
also like my brother.

I don't have brothers,
but I feel like that's
what they would do.

That's what you do.
You're everything.

Chadworth.

You're everything to me.

You're, like,
family and friend.

(GIGGLING)

You headbutted me.

(GRUNTS)

Yeah.

Hey, you got my
clips in your hair.

I do. I do.

I got a whole bunch of them.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

I...

You look funny.

I do?
Yeah.

What do I look like?

Yeah. You look like...

Do I look like a clown?

You look like
a little toddler.

Oh, God.

(LAUGHING)

Thanks so much
for talking to me.

Yeah.
I really...

I care about you.

Yeah.

And I'm so happy
that you care about
me, 'cause I don't know

what I would have
done in LA without you.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, good night.
Good night.

All right.

Good night.
Wait, you left one.

There's one more?

Okay.
Yeah.

I need them.

All right, well, good night.

Good night.

See you tomorrow.

(DOOR CLOSES)

You know I'm gonna
take that strip class
when I get back to LA?

Oh, my God.
Everybody's doing it,

and I want to get that S,
that curve thing going on.

The pole class?

I told you that.
You've got a great ass.

Why are you taking
a pole dancing class?
That's stupid.

On a scale of 1-to-10,
what is my ass?

Get up. Let me see.

It's better when
you're bent over.

Girls' butts
always look best if
they're on their knees.

Get up and bend over.

I mean, that's
what I think.
I don't know.

Let me see.
Shut up. You've seen it.

Let me see
your butt right now.

No, you've seen it.

You've seen it.
All right, from memory?

I'd say an 8.3.

What? No frickin' way.
8.3?

Nobody...
You don't say that.

It's a 10. Plus.

No, you're right.

It's a 10.

That doesn't convince me.

There is no scale
from 1-to-10 with
your ass.

It's definitely an 11.

That's my boy.

You have
an 11 ass,
11 ass, 11 ass.

(SNORTS)

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

I'm cold.

You know what sucks?

What?

What?

Ever since we broke up,

I'm not getting any.

What? Well,
you can get some

if you play
your cards right.

(TINKLING)

(GAGGING)

(RETCHING)

(COUGHING)

Guys?

(RUSTLING)

(BIRDS CAWING)

He had this
sack over his face.

CATHERINE: Hey.

Hey!
CATHERINE: Hi.

And it was
the scariest thing
I've ever dreamt in my life.

What are you talking about?

I had this dream.
I don't even know.

What are you smiling about?

That's it!
MICHELLE: What?

What?
What?

A guy running
around in the woods
with a bag over his head.

He's killing people.

CATHERINE: What
are you talking about?

That's our fucking movie.

That's it.
Note cards!
Note cards!

What? Wait a minute. Matt.

What is going on?
What are you guys
talking about?

MICHELLE: I just had
this dream about a guy
with a bag over his face,

and Matt thinks it's
gonna be a good movie.

A bag over his face?
Yeah.

Well, we talked last night.

We had a great conversation
about doing a relationship
movie,

which I think would be great.
It'd be more effective,
don't you?

You all conversed last night?

Yeah, we totally
brainstormed and came
up with some great shit.

You and Matt?
Yeah.

Yeah,
and we came up with
some really good ideas.

I don't know
about this bag thing.

I mean,
I didn't hear the first
part of your dream, but...

(LOUD THUD)

(ALL SCREAM)

Jesus Christ.

Dude, that's not scary?
Come on.

CHAD: Fucking dick!

Let's make a movie.

It's so good, Matt.

Matt, that's not funny.

It's not
supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be scary.

And it is.

Yeah, I know that,
but I...

Can you come in and
finish the sausages,
please?

Catherine, can you give
me some paper towels?
I just shat on myself.

Michelle.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

I don't think it's good.
It's just...

CHAD: Come on!

Because
you're more loud
than anything, Matt.

It's not 'cause of
the bag over your head.
If you come screaming

and put yourself
in a window,
we're gonna scream.

MATT: No, it's because
of the bag over the head.

Look.

(SCREAMING)

Right.
Now what we need to
do is come up with scenes.

All right,
this is the next step.
We've gotta go into scenes.

Okay, okay, wait.
Before we get to
the next step,

let's celebrate
what we have so far,

and let's make some
new drinks for the ladies.

I can deal with that.

MICHELLE: I agree.
That's a great idea.

Want me to help you guys?
I can help you.

CHAD: No, no, no.
Just sit pretty.
Right here.

Helping
you right now.
Look, I'm helping.

Thanks, Chad.
Go get the cocktails.

I actually need
your mixing expertise.

Chad,
want to see
me helping you?

Chad, watch. I'm helping.

MICHELLE:
Chaddy and Matty,
can you guys make me

something sweet?
Thank you.

CATHERINE: Is that funny?
That's funny?

CHAD: Yes, that's hilarious.

You're not laughing.
He's not laughing.

CHAD: I'm laughing
on the inside.
He's funny, usually.

He's not that funny tonight.

He's not that funny.

MICHELLE: Who's not funny?

Chad. He's funny, normally.
He's very funny.

MATT: What?

Do you think Michelle
and I can play boyfriend
and girlfriend in the movie?

Totally, dude.

Really?
Of course.

When we go back inside,
you gotta tell them,

because you're
leading the charge here.

Right. I will.

Awesome.

You fucking rock.

Okay.

That was excessive,
wasn't it?

It was a little much.

All right, here we go.

CATHERINE: Somebody
has a guilty conscience.

I don't.

I think we should
have some shots.

Some shots.

I agree, but I want...

I am not gonna mix this.

I have the wine.
I don't want to get sick.

You're gonna do it with me.
Yeah, I need a new cup.

Can you go get me
a new cup, Chaddy?
Please?

Thank you.
CHAD: Okay, new cup?

Fuck the cup.
Let's just go
right from the bottle.

No, I can't do that.

Why?
Okay, fine.

All right, here. Hold on.

Okay, pour it in
my mouth, like this.

Go ahead. Ready?

CATHERINE:
Hello. This isn't...

(COUGHS)

All right,
I'm with you.
Hold on. Ready?

MICHELLE: Okay.

CATHERINE: Whatever.
This is weird.

Matty,
I'm having
some good ideas.

CATHERINE: Excuse me.

I think we should sit down
and work on some note cards.

All right, hold on.
Let me put that down.

CATHERINE: Matty.

Well, he looks like a Matty.

He's Matt, actually.

He looks like a Matty.

He's my Matty, which is cute.

MICHELLE: Thank you.
I don't even need it anymore.

You don't need it?

MICHELLE: Yeah,
we just did it.

He poured it in my mouth.

CATHERINE: Isn't that
romantic, Chad?

You want to pour it
in my mouth, Chad?

Come here.

Uh...

I've been doing
a little thinking.
Sorry.

The Chad character and
the Michelle character,

I think we've kind
of created a problem,

'cause we're
losing a romance
angle between them,

so I think that
it would work better

if they're
not brother
and sister anymore,

and they're
boyfriend and girlfriend.

CATHERINE: That's awesome.

We're boyfriend
and girlfriend.

MATT: Just because we
have more places to go.

We have more places to go.

CATHERINE: That
is such a good idea.
Come here and give me hug.

Hug. Hug on that one.

MATT: And you and I,
we're just gonna...

CATHERINE: We're gonna be...

We're just gonna be friends.

With a sexual undercurrent.

Right.

All right, I remember now.
This is it.

This is what
we're going to do.

See these note cards?
CHAD: Yeah.

These note cards,
what we're gonna do is
we're gonna write down...

CATHERINE: Let's write
down something.

We're gonna
write down an idea.

You write down
the scene idea,

and then
you're gonna pass
it to the next person,

and the next person is
gonna look at that idea,

and they're
gonna go on that idea

with their own
ideas and add to it.

Then you just keep
passing it around.

CATHERINE: Okay.

MATT: All right,
you guys almost done?
Hold on.

No, you can't look at it.
I'm not ready.

Done.
MATT: Are we good?

MATT: Are you good?
Yep.

What the hell is this?

CATHERINE:
Quarterback of
the Chicago Bears.

Da Bears.

What does it say?

Jim Harbaugh.
CATHERINE: Jim Harbaugh,
how's it going?

MATT: What the fuck is that?

Once upon a time,
he asked me out.

I don't want to get
Matt jealous, but...

MATT: Are we good?
So, are we writing
a second one?

MATT: You ready?

Aren't you going to
say whether or not
you liked mine?

Yours was... It was great.

He liked it.

It was awesome, Michelle.
Yeah?

You did an A-okay job.

No peeking.

Okay. Now I'm done.

CATHERINE: You look mad at me.

MATT: Cut it out, Catherine.

CATHERINE: What? What?

MATT: Just take that and look.

CHAD: Should we just
quit working and
just get fucked up?

CATHERINE: Bad time, Jesus?
What is this?

You guys,
I'm getting
so tired again.

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

So, I'm gonna
brainstorm while I sleep,
so I'll see you guys later.

CATHERINE: Bye.
Bye.

Good night, movie girlfriend.

Good night.

God damn.

CATHERINE: Good night,
movie extra.

Movie extra.
I'm just kidding, guys.

I know she's
your little starlet.

Little starlet.
Little, little starlet.

Little, little,
little, little...

Little, little,
little, little...

She just has a glow.
She glows.

She has this set of
ample bosom that...
She's just younger.

...that hits me where
I don't know. Hello.

(TINKLING)

Oh, my God.
You're being
really scary.

Come in.

Oh, my God. You've
got a bag on your head.

Matt, that's really scary.

Is this a game?

Okay.

Matt?

(DOOR OPENS)

Matt?

(DOOR CLOSES)

That was you, right?

You scared
the shit out of me.

Someone just
came into my room
with a bag over their head

and your clothes on.
Tell me that was you.

They're fucking with us.

Who?

This is not gonna be good.
What?

Catherine's gonna kill me.
Catherine!

It was fucking Catherine?

How do you know
that Catherine did this?

Chad can't fit
into my clothes.

That fucking bitch.
I'm going to...

No, wait.
We have to have a plan.

Michelle. Michelle,
come on, please.

Shit.

(SCREAMING)

Not so funny now, is it?

CATHERINE: Why
did you do that?

Because you did it to me.

What are you
talking about?
I did it to you?

You came in my
room with a bag

on your head,
and you scared me.

No, I didn't, Michelle.

I've been sleeping
here the whole night.

Why did you just do that?

No, you weren't!

Yes, I was!

You're a fucking liar.

You're a fucking liar.

What are you talking about?

Wait, wait a second, guys.

Michelle, what happened?

Catherine
came into my room
with a bag over her head

and scared
the shit out of me,
so I got her back.

Catherine,
did you go into her
room and scare her?

No, no, I didn't.

Michelle,
I swear to God, I didn't.

Don't fuck
with me, Catherine!
I know that you did it.

I didn't. I swear to God.

You swear
on your mother
you didn't do it?

Yes, I didn't do it.

Then somebody saw me naked.

This just gets
better and better.

They saw you naked.
They saw you naked?

Does this seem
weird to you, Chad?

(INDISTINCT NOISE)

What's that? What is it?

(HOWLING IN DISTANCE)

Fuck.

Guys, it's an animal. Relax.

MATT: There's
nothing out here.
This is ridiculous.

Matt?

Matt?

What?

Did you fuck her?
Did you fuck her already?

Dude, I did not fuck her.
Come on.

Shit.

Jesus, dude.

You fucked her.

(SIGHS)

I didn't fuck her.

You are the biggest
fucking cock in the
whole world.

You just hit me.

You just hit me.

I just can't deal with
it if you sleep with her.

Oh, my God.
I'm not gonna
sleep with her.

Swear on your left
gonad that you will not
have sex with Michelle.

I swear I am
not gonna fuck her.

Fuck who?

See, you're
already trying...

You're
like Bill Clinton,
trying to get out of it.

I swear I am not
going to fuck Michelle.

Okay.

Okay, that's good.

You happy?

Yes, I'm pleased.

Wow, you're pathetic.

Why? I'm just...

Don't let anyone
see you do that.

I gotta fight.
I gotta fight, man.

You just aren't that big.

You get all
the fucking chicks.
You've got Elvis hair.

I mean,
look at me, dude.
I've got nothing.

You're like Michael Jordan.

I'm like Bill Laimbeer.

(MATT LAUGHS)

I've got no game.

No, you have game.

You got shitty
self-esteem, dude.

You're the funniest
fucking person I know.

Yeah, funny-looking.
No.

You're cute,
and you're funny.

I am?

You totally are.

Say it.
What?

I'm cute.

I'm cute.

And I'm funny.

And I'm funny.

Yeah, you are.

What is that?

So, naked?

Wow. That must be some party.

(APPLAUDING)

That's awesome. You're good.

No, I like the show.
I like it.

You know, I do get it.
I get it. I totally...

I was you.

I played that game,
and I understand it.

But Matt means
everything to me.

So if you don't mind...

(DOOR OPENING)

MICHELLE: There's my actual
vomit, so the chances are
that there's a guy...

MATT: There's nobody
in the woods with a
bag over his head.

Yes, there are!
It's something we made up.

If one of
you is messing with us,
you better fess up right now.

I don't really fucking
care whether it was
one of you guys

messing with me, or if
there's a guy in the woods.

This situation is fucked,
and I want out!
MATT: Okay, everybody...

Matt, I have no
other way to get home!

MATT: We need to regroup.

MICHELLE:
You have to
take me home!

MATT: Michelle, relax.

No! I'm not going to relax.

A baghead didn't
come into your room.

MATT: There's no baghead.

Fuck you guys.
Fuck all of you.

I'm gonna go
call a fucking cab
if you won't help me.

CHAD: There's a
landline upstairs.

Wait a second.

What?

What?

Catherine did it.

What? How do you know that?

Found it in her purse.

I'll take you
home in the morning.

I don't want
to sleep alone.

(TINKLING)

Wake up. Wake up.
Wake up. Matt, wake up.

Guys, it's late.
It's almost noon.

I can't find Catherine.

I looked in
all the bedrooms.

I looked around
outside for a bit.

She's nowhere to be found.

She's just fucking with us.

Why would she be
fucking with us?

'Cause she's mad.

She didn't look mad to me.

What is she mad about?

'Cause I said...
I don't know.

Come on, what? Spit it out.

Okay, so,
I wrote these
notes to Matt.

You wrote notes to Matt?

I wrote a note to Matt,
which Catherine found,

and she's probably just mad.

What kind of note?

It just was...

You know,
Catherine's just jealous.

Okay. What did the note say?

I was just joking.

She was just fucking around.

CHAD: And the note said...

And the note said...
It just said,
"Come to my room."

But it was, like, a joke.
And then Catherine found it,

and that's why
she came to my room
with a bag on her head.

So your note to
Matt, which was a joke,
said, "Come into my room"?

Basically, yeah.

Got you.

MATT: It was
a really dumb joke.

MICHELLE: I'm really
sorry. It was a joke.

It was a joke.

She was just kidding, Chad.

MICHELLE:
Where are you going?

Fuck you guys.

(MICHELLE GROANS)

This sucks.
We're always in trouble,

and we didn't
even do anything.

It's not like we
didn't do anything.

We kind of deserve it.

(LOUD SCREAM)

What was that?

What's that?

MATT: His shirt.

It's Chad's shirt.

Chad?

Chad.

You gotta be cold
without your shirt,
honey.

This is pathetic.

He even did
a mini piece down here.

So well thought out.
Look at this.

That's scary, Chad.

(EXCLAIMS SARCASTICALLY)

Jeez. Pathetic.

Guys,
we're real scared here.

Come on, dude,
bring out the chainsaw.

Let's do it.

All right. I got the keys,
and we're leaving
in five minutes.

Really immature, guys.

Not cool.

What is it?

This little bitch.

What did they do?

Is it broken?

He took my battery.

What did
he do with it?
That little bitch.

Chad!

Chad!

Chad, I'm gonna kill you!

They're probably
getting eaten by
a bear right now.

I'm bored.

You want a beer?

Do I look sexy?

Yeah. Do I look sexy?
Like this?

No?

You look pretty sexy.

What do you want to
do with that cigarette?

Just put it in your mouth.

You want me
to light it?

No. Where's the lighter?

Give it to me.
Give me the lighter.

You can't light it
inside the house.

I can, too. I can, too.

(LAUGHING)

I'm a bad girl.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Smack me again.

No. Oh, God, I'm gonna
spill beer. I'm pretty sure.

Hold on.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Let your neck go.

I love you.

Here.

Nice feet.

I just kissed you.

Hold on.

Matt.

I gotta make sure
your feet are dry.

You're gonna get a cold.

I'm feeling rejected.

I promised Chad.

Fine. I need my
sunglasses back,
then.

(SIGHS)

(TINKLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

You suck!

(LAUGHS)

Shit. Where's Michelle?

Fuck.

MICHELLE:
Catherine?
Is that you guys?

Whoa.

You guys are back?

What the hell just happened?

CATHERINE: Nothing.

What is going on?

Nothing. We just... Nothing.

Hey, Matt?

This isn't good.

We thought
that we were going to
catch you all in the act.

Why would you think
that we would be
doing it?

Well,
we saw you making
out in the living room.

Hi.

What are you doing out here?

Just outside,
breathing the air.

Can I sit with you?

Yeah, pull up a chair.

(STAMMERING)

I...

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

You were just having fun.

I guess so.

Really, it's no big deal.

Really? You're okay?
Yeah.

Here, you want
some trail mix?

Yeah.

(SCREAMS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Sorry.

That was mean.
I'm sorry.

But hilarious.

Go ahead. Try again.

No, now I'm going
to be ready for it.

Do you trust me?

Yeah.
Okay, go ahead.

See, you can trust me.

I can trust you?
Yep.

You know that
you will be mine.

(GIGGLES)

Yeah?

You're going
to fall for me.
It's inevitable.

I almost feel sorry for you.

CATHERINE: You're here
with a bag over your head.

CHAD: That's my favorite.
I think that's just adorable.

CATHERINE: That was cute.

MICHELLE:
I can't believe you
guys were taking pictures.

CHAD: Hey, Matt!

CATHERINE: Here, he had
the battery. It was so
heavy.

Come down here and
have a drink with us.

Yeah, come down.

He'll keep talking to
himself for hours up there.

CATHERINE:
He always does that.

Matt!

MATT: I'm working.

Don't be anti-social.
Come down.

He's working?
What is he working on?

What are you working on?

I'm working
on the script.

If any of you care
to join me, you're

more than welcome.
If not, I'll do it
myself.

MICHELLE: Are we
still making a movie?

I'm sorry we busted
you masturbating, dude.
I didn't mean to laugh.

I don't care about that.
None of you take this
seriously.

You guys want to be
extras for the rest

of your life, go ahead.
Be my guest.

Matt, face it,
we don't know
what we're doing.

Jesus, God.
Chad, you know,
that's such bullshit.

You're gonna
insult me about that
now, after all this...

(LOUD THUD)

Shit!
Get away from the window!

MATT: Did you see that, Chad?
Yes, I saw it!

Come on, you guys.

There's
someone outside.
I swear I saw it.

CATHERINE:
How many times do
we have to do this?

MATT: Shut up!

CHAD: Michelle,
there was someone outside.

MATT: Shut up!

(CATHERINE SCREAMS)
Shut up!

CATHERINE: My God!

If one of you is
playing a fucking trick,
you better fess up right now!

CATHERINE: Calm down, Matt.
What the hell?

Right now!
I'm not. I saw him.

MATT: Are you
playing a joke?

What? No. What are you doing?

MATT: Chad?
I saw him outside.

There's someone outside.

I'm going to go outside
and bash his fucking head in.

If it's one of your friends,
you better tell me right now.

No. You're...

MATT: All right, that's it.
I'm going out.

CHAD: All right,
I got your back.

CATHERINE: Well,
wait, don't leave us.

CHAD: You all, come on.
MICHELLE:
I gotta get my shoes.

CATHERINE:
There's nothing out here.

We're scaring each other.
This is stupid.

Will you shut
the fuck up?

(TINKLING)

MICHELLE: Oh, my God.

CATHERINE: What is that?

That's him. That's him.

Let's go back inside.

MICHELLE: I agree.

CATHERINE: Matt.
No.

Hey, man, what do you want?

You're on
private property.
You better leave.

We're gonna bash your
fucking head in, man.
You better go.

No, I think we
should just call...

MICHELLE: I don't think
you should do that.
CHAD: He's not backing up.

CATHERINE: Come on,
let's go call the police.

He's not backing up.

I'm going to bash
his fucking head in.

If this is a joke,
you guys have to
tell me right now.

Let's just
go back inside,
and call the police.

We're gonna scare him off.
Let's just scare him off.

Okay, okay.
I got your back.

What?

What are you...

Let's just scare him off.
No!

I got your back.

Thanks. Let's do it.

One.

Let's just go back inside.

Two!

MICHELLE: No, you guys.
Don't do it.

Three!

CATHERINE: Matt! Chad!
He's got a knife!

(CATHERINE AND
MICHELLE SCREAMING)

MATT:
Chad! Run!
Run! Chad! Run!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

CATHERINE:
Get inside,
get inside!

MICHELLE: Get in!

MICHELLE: Lock the door.

CATHERINE: I'm
calling the police.

MICHELLE: Get the other door!
Get the windows.

Make sure the
windows are locked.

Go! Go! Go!
Make sure the windows are...

(SOBBING)

(SCREAMS)

MATT: Who the fuck is that?

I tried.
The phone is
fucking dead!

Chad!
CHAD: What, the phone's dead?

The phone is dead.

CHAD: Matt, what
are we gonna do?

Matt, what are we gonna do?

I don't know.
Matt!

MICHELLE: Get away.
Get away from there.
Okay, all right.

Come on, Matt. Get over here.

Get over here, get over here!

CHAD: (SHUSHING)
All right. Okay.

What was that?

(CLATTERING)

MATT: Is that the car?

CHAD: Sounds like the car.

Oh, my God.

Is he fucking
stealing the car?

What are you doing?

MATT: Chad, don't.

MICHELLE: Chad. Chad. Chad.

Shit.
CATHERINE: What?

CHAD: He fucked up the car.

CHAD: Got it?
MATT: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Somebody's
gotta help me get this.

MATT: Get the white chair.
How about that white chair?

What are we gonna do?
CATHERINE: Move this one.

Just get it in the window,
please, please.

Hurry up. Come on.

CATHERINE: Move the couch?

Can you get out?

Yeah, I got it.

Fuck. What else?

We gotta do something,
because I'm gonna fall
asleep.

(TINKLING)

(MICHELLE COUGHS)

Okay.
Is it safe?

CHAD: I think so.
Put your shoes on.

CATHERINE: Ready?

How far have we got to walk?

CHAD: It's 11 miles.

MICHELLE: To what?
CHAD: To the highway.

How much further
do you think, Chad?

I don't know.
I thought we'd
be there by now.

I don't remember this.

Matt, did we drive over this?

We definitely
didn't drive over this.

No. No way.

Fuck.

MICHELLE: Should we
turn around and go back?

Hey, what's that?

What?
Right there.

MATT: Right there.

CHAD: What the...
MATT: Holy shit.

CATHERINE: Hey,
can you see anything?

Is anybody in there?

I don't know.

You guys, you can
just walk on this road.

Wait. We'll find out
if someone's in there.

Chad, you hot wire it?

CHAD: I can try.

CATHERINE: Why don't
we wait and see if
somebody's in it?

I'm going to
smash the window.

MATT: Chad.
Yeah?

Walk away. Come here.

MICHELLE: What's going on?

MATT: (SHUSHING)
Just walk away, Chad.

CATHERINE: Run!
Run!

MATT: Come on! Come on, Chad!

(CHAD PANTING)

MATT: Chad!

(MATT SCREAMING)

No! No! No!

Run! Run!

MICHELLE: Oh, my God!

Hey!

BOTH: Hey! Hey!

Hey! Help!

Help! Help!

Hey! Hey!

Help! Please!

Hey! Stop!

(SCREAMING) Chad!

Are you okay?

Chad! Oh, my God, Chad!

Chad. Oh, my God.

CATHERINE: Chad, are you okay?

(SOBBING)
We gotta roll him over.

Yeah. Be careful. Be careful.

Watch his back.
Watch his back.

He's gonna scream.

MICHELLE: Chad. Chad.

CATHERINE: Please be
careful with him.

(MICHELLE AND
CATHERINE SCREAMING)

CATHERINE: Get the fuck away
from us! Get the fuck out
of here! Don't you touch us!

Don't you touch us!
Matt, get over here.

CATHERINE: Get the
fuck away from us!

It's okay. It's okay.

It was a joke.
Is he all right?

CATHERINE: Don't you touch us!

It's okay!
Don't touch him!

Get the fuck away from us.

No, it's okay.
It's me, Jett Garner.

This wasn't
supposed to happen.

Matt?

MATT: Look at me.
Look at me, Chad.

We gotta move him.
We gotta get him
to a hospital now.

We need to brace his head.

MATT: Grab his feet.
Grab his feet.

Be careful with him.

(MICHELLE SOBBING)

MATT: Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy.
CATHERINE: Fuck.

Watch his head.
Watch his head.

CATHERINE: Careful.
Careful. Careful.

I got him.
I got him. He's okay.

Be careful with his neck.

MATT: I got him, I got him.

Bring him back. Shit. Fuck.

Don't go.

Hold on. Okay.

Go.

Hey.

How are you feeling?

You got hit by...
There was a car.

You broke your leg.

Matt's dead.

CATHERINE: No.

Huh?

He's fine.

He...

He tricked us.

Do you remember
when he was upstairs
working on the script?

Well, he called
that filmmaker guy

and told him to
come over and scare us.

They staged
the whole thing.

They filmed it.

Jett Garner was
wearing one of those

miniature cameras
on his clothes.

I saw him get stabbed.

That was fake.
It was all fake.

Where's Matt?

He's outside.

Go get him.

(DOOR OPENING)

How you doing?

Shitty.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't want
this to happen.

This is not what
I planned to happen.

I want to
see the footage.

Dude, I don't give
a shit about the footage.
I can get rid of the footage.

I'm the one in
a hospital bed
right now.

I get whatever
the fuck I want.

Let me see
the footage.

(EXHALES)

(BEEPS)

(CAMCORDER PLAYING)

(MICHELLE AND CATHERINE
SCREAMING)

MATT ON TAPE:
Run! Chad! Run!

MICHELLE ON TAPE: Chad, run!

Jesus Christ.

(MICHELLE SCREAMING ON TAPE)

MATT: Chad, run!

Come on, Chad!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.
My fucking face!

Oh, Jesus.
You are sick, man.

This footage is amazing.

Well, I mean, fuck it...

No, no, no, no.
We take this.

We get it edited.

We enter it into film
festivals, and that's it.

That's history.

I didn't want you
to get hurt, you know?

Of course you didn't.

I wish it was
me that got hurt.

I wish I got
hit by the car.

I didn't want
that to happen.

I know you didn't
want me to get hurt.

You sure?
Yeah.

It was an accident.

Of course you didn't, man.

I mean, it would...

It was my fault, you know.

It's all good now, dude.

It's all good.

I'm sorry, you guys.

I'm sorry.

Catherine?

(DOOR CLOSING)

MATT:
I thought
you were dead.

I thought you were dead.
God.

I thought you were dead.

(CRYING) I'm such
a fucking idiot.

You are an idiot,
but it's okay.

Now go get me
some ice cream.

(SNIFFLING)

What flavor do you want?

I don't want
bullshit ice cream.
I want Haagen-Dazs.

(LAUGHS)

I love you, man.

I love you, too.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

How are you doing?

I would have let it rip.

I would have gone all out

if I had been
in your position.

He was
already beating
himself up so much.

I didn't have it in me
to torture him anymore.

Thanks for being here for me.

Thanks for
letting me be here.

I'm glad you woke up.

I'm a little tired.

Well,
why don't you rest
your head right here?

I'll put it right here.

Yeah, scoot up.

Here we go.

I'll just go like this.

Good night,
movie girlfriend.

Good night.