Bagboy (2015) - full transcript
Dr. Steve Brule directs himself in the title role of a rejected sitcom pilot about a Myer's Super Foods bagboy who must decide whether or not to report a shoplifter.
Good
evening, and happy holidays from
my family to yours.
As a gift this holiday season, I
am pleased to present the
following program to you on
behalf of the myer's super foods
family.
It is brand-new situational
comedy written, directed, and
starting channel 5's
Steven brule.
He promised me that it's going
to be a hit, and my brother
said, "how can you trust a man
like that?"
And I told him to go to hell.
I don't give a what my
son thinks about the show.
It's my personal project.
So enough about the whore of all
my life and my family.
I begged of you, please enjoy
the program.
Got to get these
floors spick-and-span.
Mr. Myers like his floors
sprick-as-fan.
Put a little elbow grease in it.
Ungh.
Unh.
Unh.
Ungh.
Dang it.
Really mopped myself into a
corner this time.
Well.
A couple little footprints won't
matter.
Aah!
Yah!
Auuuuuuugh!
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
My hip! Ohhhh!
I really... I really broke my
hip.
* bag boy, bag boy, baby
* gonna put your cans in the
bag *
* bag boy, bag boy, baby
* gonna put your cans in the
bag *
* well, it's myer's
super food, won't you come on
down? *
* it's the super supermarket
in the whole dang town *
* we got quality cans at an
affordable price *
* and the workers, in my eyes,
are so dang nice *
* bag boy, bag boy, baby
* gonna put your cans in the
bag *
* bag boy, bag boy, baby
* gonna put your cans in the
bag *
* bag boy, bag boy, baby
* gonna put your cans in the
bag *
* bag boy, bag boy, baby
* gonna put your cans in the
bag *
* bag boy, bag boy
Excuse me.
Can you tell me where the
bananas are?
Who are you...
Some kind of monkey?
Actually, I am.
I know.
He's, is one of monkees.
From the show "monkees."
Heh heh.
But the bananas are over there.
Thanks.
That's it.
That was the scene with
Micky dolenz.
Next scene.
Okay.
Three cans is $3.
Thank you.
Hello, Mr. Prish-preed.
That's four of paper, two of
coin.
I know.
Hey, Daisy, I've got two free
v.i.p. Tickets for you for this
week's dumpster dive, featuring
me, "butter ball."
Wow, Mr. Prish-preed.
Thank you.
I'm Doug prish-preed.
I'll see you at the dumpster
dive.
Steve!
Cans piling up over here.
Sorry, Daisy.
Sorry, Mr. Prish-preed.
I was helping some dang monkey
find some brananas.
Hey, Daisy.
When you see me at the dumpster
dive, I'll be going "hub! Hub!
Hub! Hub! Hub!"
Surprise.
I'm Doug prish-preed, the big
boy with the butter.
Whoo-wee!
These are some nice-looking cans
you got here, Mr. Prish-preed.
I know. And they're all mine.
Gimme that bag, boy.
How rude!
I don't blame him.
Those are some nice-looking
cans.
Well, I can't wait for
my shift to be over.
My feet are killing me.
But your shift just
started.
Yeah.
Say, Daisy, I-I was
wondering... after your s-shift
is over, s-sometimes people like
to go have a...A ice cream.
Or...
I...love you.
I wou... I would marry you.
Not just on this show, but...
Hey, Daisy.
Hey, Stan.
Hi, chip.
The name's Steve,
chip.
Right.
Why can I never remember that?
'Cause you're a dang
hunk.
That's why, you dangus.
Just laugh.
Say, Daisy, what are
you doing after work tonight?
I don't know.
I was just gonna wash my hair.
Too bad.
I have tickets to see
twisted chains tonight.
Wow. Really?
Attention,
myer's employees.
There's a mandatory staff
meeting in five minutes in the
break room.
Please close your lanes now.
That sounds important.
Better hustle.
Please go out there.
Shut the door.
Okay, okay, everyone.
Let's make this quick.
We don't want to hold up the
customers.
Wah. Broke another pencil.
Where was I?
Yes.
We have a surplus of puddle fish
cans, so let's try and sell
these.
Bad. Bad boy.
I'm just a bad...Clam man.
Ha ha. Heh.
Sorry, Pablo.
I...got to go home.
I got to punish myself.
I...got to spank myself
for...breaking too many pencils.
Yes, you will go home
and do your spanking, clam man.
Sorry, everyone.
This is how I am.
I just break everything in life.
Emergency. Emergency.
I have an emergency
announcement.
There has been an increase in
disgusting shoplifters recently.
We need to be more vigilant and
reduce the number of thefts.
This is why I am offering 10
cans of myer's super foods to
any employee who captures a
shoplifter.
Whoooaaa!
Free cans.
I'm not talking about
no damaged cans.
I'm talking about fresh, new
cans.
Think of all those
cans.
Wow!
Look at all of these cans.
I can't believe this is in my
very own kitchen.
Whoa. I'm a lucky can boy.
Hope it's not a dream.
Fresh, new cans.
Thank you, jingus.
So many cans,
and they're all mine.
Daisy's gonna go for a can man
like me.
That's for sure.
Stevie, those cans look
delicious.
What about Terry, the
security guard?
Shouldn't he be responsible for
catching these shoplifters?
Shut up, chip.
No one wants to hear from a dang
hunk.
Easy, Steve.
The only thing we can count on
Terry for is for constantly
passing gas.
And for 40 winks.
I'll do my very best
to catch a shoplifter for you,
Mr. Myers.
I-I'll kill that shoplifter with
my bare hands.
A-And I'll look out for you,
too, Daisy.
It's not in the script, but I
will.
Out of my way, clam boy!
Snouts and
tails...
Horse meat...
Pork cube.
Gotcha!
My!
.
Sorry, Mrs. Livingstone.
You scared
the out of me, you
ing peasant!
I'm on a secret
mission to catch a shoplifter.
I don't
care what you're doing.
Just stop talking to me!
Mrs. Livingstone?
What the
hell is it now?!
You should try the
puddle fish.
It's a good canned fish.
One of the finest canned foods
out there.
59 cents each.
Puddle
fish.
I wouldn't even feed that to my
slaves.
Where are you,
shoplifter?
I'm gonna nab you and get my 10
cans.
Beautiful, like a Rose!
Shush up, dog.
I'm trying to concentrate.
What's your problem,
James Bond?
Dog, don't you get it?
If I catch a shoplifter, I get a
whole bunch of myer's cans for
free... all the cans I know what
to do with.
Any of those cans have
my name on them?
They ain't dog food,
dog.
Anyways, I can't see anything
down here in the weeds.
I'm gonna get up on your perch.
But if I get a can...
If... can I... i-i-i-i-i...
Get a can?
Shh.
Shush, David. Just go down.
There's the best view of the
whole house.
You can see right on TV,
bag eyes.
What have we got here?
We got a live one.
Nah, that's cold, hard cash.
He's on the up-and-up.
Good job, Ron Don.
Ho ho!
Is that my mama?
She's putting a dang Turkey
under her skirt!
Can't believe my mommy's a
shoplifter.
Well. Still get my cans.
Ha ha.
Watch out, David.
Hold it right there, mommy.
I saw you were trying to steal a
frozen Turkey.
Ain't no Turkey.
I brought you a brown-bag lunch.
Thank you, mommy.
You're my favorite boy.
Then say, "I care
about your hunger, Steven, so I
made you all of your favorite
foods."
I care for your hunger,
Steven.
That's why I...Brought you your
favorite foods.
"I made you a nice
hair pie sandwich with extra
frosting."
Go.
I made you a nice hair pie
sandwich with extra frosting.
See? Told you.
Mommy, you made my dreams come
true.
I love you, son.
I love you so much,
mommy.
Back to work.
Back to the old drawing board.
Let's see who's prowling around
the store now.
That's just dirty old
prish-preed.
He likes to see what's in the
i-i-ingredients.
Whoa!
Wait a minute!
That boy stole candy.
Caught you red-handed, boy.
Freeze, boy!
Hey, Charlie.
Have you met Steve?
Steve, this is my little brother
Charlie.
That's your little
brother boy?
Hey, Steve.
Not getting anything
today, Charlie?
No.
Okay.
Well, I'll see you at home.
See ya, Steve.
Yeah.
I will see you.
Hmmmmmm.
Go.
Well, you're in a real
dilly of a pickle.
Don't I know it.
You could tell
Mr. Myers, get your cans, and
blow your chances with Daisy.
But she's my one true
love.
She's the sunshine of my life.
I'm gonna marry Daisy.
Doctor and Daisy sitting in a
tree.
K-r-l-l letter of snake.
I love you, Daisy.
Or you could not say
anything and protect Charlie and
keep your chances with Daisy
alive!
Right, but no cans!
Rock, let me introduce
you to a hard place.
A hard place, this is a rock.
Don't I know it.
That little red-headed rascal
is giving me nothing but
trouble.
Get down, doggie. Get down.
* tra-la-la, la-Dee-la
Steve, who are you
talking to?
Just whistling
Dixie.
I hear you're doing a
fine job working hard to catch
those disgusting shoplifters.
Thank you, sir.
Any leads on any other
filthy crooks?
Well...
Steve,
this is my little brother
Charlie.
That's
your little brother boy?
Never mind.
Well, I want you to
stay overnight.
Whoa. Sounds scary.
Will all the lights be off?
Yes.
What about all the
horse ghosts, Mr. Myers?
Never mind them.
We need to catch these filthy
shoplifters.
They may be sneaking in through
the back.
But what about Terry,
the security guard?
Will he be with me as backup?
Let's hope he's a
night owl.
Not... not yet.
Not yet.
Just wait. I'll tell you.
All the way down.
Don't forget, Steve...
Protecting my fine horse meat is
your number-one priority.
Yes, sir.
Don't let me down,
bag boy.
I know.
I can taste those cans already.
Dang it!
I can't see a dang thing from
this perch.
Gonna have to get down in the
weeds and the shit.
If I'm gonna go on patrol, I'm
gonna need some protection.
Aha!
Don't think Terry'll miss this
dusty old six-shooter.
Come out, come out, wherever you
are, shoplifters.
Ha ha!
Better come out.
I'm in charge.
You better get out.
Aah!
Whoa!
Who's there?
Dang it.
Just wrecked some perfectly good
cans.
Well, I better get rid of this
dang thing.
I better put this six-shooter
back before Terry notices it's
gone.
Hey, kids, don't be a dunce.
Never play with guns.
For your health.
Cowboy.
Time for a midnight
snack.
Just gonna have a little snack
and then take a quick nap.
That's good horse.
I could eat this horse till the
cows come home.
Little bit of sawdust, but who
cares?
It's from the stable.
Who am I kidding?
Doesn't matter how much horse
meat I eat.
Daisy's still not gonna like
me.
She likes that dang hunk chip.
I should just tell on that boy.
He needs a good spanking.
Maybe Mr. Myers will give me a
promotion.
Then I'd have more cans than
chip, and I would walk down the
aisle with Daisy, and chip
could go jump off a bridge.
But I can't let that sweet
Charlie boy turn into a dang
hunk, like chip.
He's a good boy... just needs
to be set right.
I could treat him right, like
the boy I never had.
Like the boy I never was.
What's that sound coming from
brown the butcher's hutch?
Better go check it out.
Let's check it out.
Anybody home?
Hello, Steve.
Hi, brown.
Working late?
Yeah.
I'm trying to catch a
shoplifter, but I already did.
He's just a boy.
He's Daisy's little brothe...
Oops.
Said too much.
I promised I wouldn't tell.
You mean this boy?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Brown, you got him strung up
like a piece of dang meat.
Hello.
I'm Pablo Myers from
myer's super foods.
We all know and love toad's
brand creamed chip beef.
But did you know toad's i-is
also responsible for toad's
brand canned whipped bacon?
Yum.
I know it's pretty big news.
What an exciting day to be a
myer's super food shopper.
I am Myers man.
I think I'll take my
boning knife, I'll cut him, I'll
gut him, and I'll quarter him,
and I'll sell it as horse meat.
Mnh-mnh-mnh!
Aw, come on, brown.
He's just a boy.
Even boys make mistakes.
He just needs to learn his
lesson.
I'm not doing it to
teach him a lesson.
I'm doing it for the joy of
killing.
Ha ha ha.
I want to taste that meat.
Yeah, it could be good
meat.
What do I know?
Brown, if you spare
this boy, I'll give you 10 cans
of myer's finest foods.
20.
15.
20.
25.
Deal.
Nice doing business
with you, brown.
You run a tough bargain.
I want those cans by
tomorrow morning.
Come on, boy.
You're safe now, little boy.
What's going on in
here?
Whoa.
Look who woke up.
I'm trying to shoot
you, but there's no bullets.
Where the heck are all my
bullets?
I dunno.
Couldn't have been me.
Shh!
Thanks for saving me, Steve.
You're welcome, boy.
But listen, you have to promise
me, boy... no more stealing.
Stealing is bad.
You have to try to grow up to be
a good boy.
Good boys grow up to be cool
guys, not dumb hunks, like that
dingus chip.
He's always trying to get in my
business and mess around with
me and Daisy.
And I hate that chip.
I wish brown would cut him up,
put h in a can, and make
creamed chipped chip.
Tell you what... if you don't
tell on me, I'll put in a good
word in with my sister.
Really?
I saw the way you looked at
her.
Well...
I am kind of sweet on her.
It's a deal.
Deal.
Bye, Steve.
Thanks for everything.
So long, boy.
Sure is good to have a new
friend name of Charlie.
Well, Steve?
Catch anyone last night?
No, sir.
Well, I've decided to
give you 10 cans for doing such
a good job and staying late.
Really?
Wow! Thanks, Mr. Myers.
Scott clam...S!
Here you go, Stevie.
Here's the damaged cans.
I don't know how the...
Bullet holes got there.
Neither do I.
Give me those cans, clam.
Thanks for the cans, Mr. Myers.
Hope brown doesn't mind getting
damaged cans.
Keep up the good work.
Excuse me, sir.
I would like to thank you for
shopping in my store.
It's my family's store.
What do I do now?
Am I still the clam man?
Yes.
You just turn around and walk
over there.
Hi, boy.
Hey.
Did you talk to your
sister yet, boy?
Don't worry, Steve.
I'll tell her that you're the
most handsome bag boy.
Thanks, old-timer.
Anything for you, Steve.
You're a crool crowboy
in my book.
Pshow pshow!
Pshew pshew!
Is that your mama
pushing you, boy?
Yes, but I don't care for
her.
She's pretty, too.
I don't know if you have a
daddy.
Maybe I could marry your mommy.
Pshow pshow!
Well, if I have time, I'll
put in a good word with my
mama, too.
Pshew pshew!
Aye-aye, captain.
Bye, bag boy.
* bag boy, bag boy
Well.
Look who finally decided to
grace US with his presence.
Mr. Myers, I'm so sorry
for coming in late this morning.
What is the name of
this store?
Myer's super food.
That's right.
And when your name is on it,
then you can show up whenever
you want.
Your rear's gonna be cherry-red
like a sports car when I'm
through with you.
Come with me into the break room
for a big spanking.
Ha ha, chip.
Now you're gonna get in trouble.
Even hunks can't be late.
Ha ha.
Your bottom's gonna be
cherry-red.
Ha ha.
Hey, kids.
Don't be late.
Respect your elders.
Don't be a Turkey.
For your health.