Badass Monster Killer (2015) Movie Script

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ Standing in the

ally of Camaroville

♪ waitin' for my woman

with those dollar bills

Hey Freddy.

Shit.

Baby, don't ever sneak up

on a brother like that.

I almost just shot

your fuckin' face off.

Do you even realize

you almost just got

your fucking face shot off?

Take it easy Freddy.

Oh, now good, you got it.

It's a whole lot of freaky shit

going down these days, okay.

That's what I'm talking about.

Shit, you lucky that

a motherfucker like me

looking out for your ass.

If it wasn't for me,

you'd still be down there

doing the hoochie

coochie on Mooch Street,

for top ramen money.

Fucker.

Now don't think I won't

send your motherfuckin' ass

back there too,

shit.

Where the rest of it?

Shit Freddy, you

say that every night.

Seriously.

No matter how much

fucking money I hand you,

you still say it's not enough.

That's because you aught

to be making more money.

Fuck you Freddy.

I mean it.

I been hustling for you

for almost nine months.

It's time you start

showing me some respect.

Respect, hmm?

Showing you some respect.

Start showing you a little

bit of motherfuckin' respect.

Maybe you right.

And maybe we need to

have a little talk

about supply and demand.

See the way it works is

you supply the pussy,

and I demand the money.

Understand me?

I'm tired of having the same

old bullshit talk with you.

Fuck around here with my time.

Ah shit.

Uncle Poon.

Don't ever sneak up on

a brother like that man.

Freddy.

You know I always liked you.

I always try to look after you.

Yeah, well you know we always

been tight and shit, right.

Yeah, that's right Freddy.

That's why it breaks my heart

to see you fuck it up so badly.

What you, what you

talkin' 'bout Uncle Poon?

I'm talking about Freddy,

is that if you keep

selling your girls

on my side of the street,

I'm gonna snatch 'em up.

And I'm gonna keep them.

Yeah, you and what army?

You know what army.

Aw shit man.

Don't tell me them

insane motherfuckers

done got your ass too.

Insane motherfuckers that

popped Daddy Rolling Stone.

Shit.

You all going to have to

do better than that Freddy.

Bullshit.

Freeze motherfucker.

What is that thing?

Take it easy baby.

I got everything under control.

Nine millimeter silver bullets.

Marinated in just the

right kind of voodoo.

But...

Listen up momma,

cause I'm only

gonna say this once,

I work for a very top secret

branch of the government

that exist to do battle

with supernatural,

diabolical occult forces

that most people

don't even know exist.

But?

Now you if you're with that

maybe later on me and

you can get it together,

but right now, I got business.

♪ Jimmy Chevelle is

♪ Gonna lay it on you

Most cats

don't even realize

there a serious cosmic

struggle going on

right under their noses.

Unspeakable motherfuckin' evil

that lurks on the

threshold of reality,

waiting for any opportunity

to enslave mankind.

I'm Jimmy Chevelle,

and I carry a badge

for the Department of

Supernatural Security.

It's my job to kick evil's ass.

Nice.

Mind if I put on some music?

Whatever turns you on baby.

Necronomicon Blues.

It was like

someone was pulling

the tail of a cat

that was gargling

a poison milkshake.

Yeah, that crazy jazz

ain't everybody's bag.

But some of the

more far out tracks

are guaranteed to

exercise and vaporize

certain dangerous creatures

from beyond the void.

Jimmy,

I just wanted you to know that

well,

I'm really glad that

you're out there,

you know doing battle against

diabolical, supernatural

occult forces

that most people

don't even know exist.

♪ You know what you have to do

♪ Now you have to do it

I observed the alleged suspect

as he shape shifted

into some kind

of hideous

motherfuckin' creature,

like a cross between a prehistoric

saber toothed werepossum

and James Brown on PCP.

And then it tried to waste

this seriously foxy chick,

and when I say seriously foxy,

I mean fucking seriously foxy.

This chick had it all together.

I'm talking fine ass,

titties,

and a little bit of extra booty,

like you know I like.

What the fuck is this?

Dammit Chevelle, I thought

I told you to stop using

god damned swear words

in your fucking report.

The shape shifting son

of a bitch had this on.

Damn.

Don't worry Chief,

I'm on the case.

Gentlemen,

we stand on the edge

of a solid gold future.

Beyond the dark

abyss of reality,

in the frozen obscene wastes

between space and time,

there is a gate.

And behind this gate

lurks Mighty Cthulhu,

and his glorious elder brethren,

eternally waiting

to be unleashed

once more upon this

unworthy world.

Indeed, that is not dead

which can eternal lie,

and a given strange eons,

even death may die.

Can you dig it?

♪ Well can you dig it baby?

What the fuck do you

fools think you're doing?

I hear you been

asking a lot of people

a lot of questions Jimmy.

Yeah, so.

So.

You got anything

you want to ask me?

I can think of

a couple things.

Such as?

Such as are you still

dealing black market guns?

Next question.

What do you know about this?

Nothing.

See I don't buy that.

You've always been the

most smart and together

happening fox in

this whole town.

I said I don't know

nothing about that Jimmy.

You sure the Maldonado family

isn't mixed up in this shit?

Fuck no.

We ain't got nothing

do to with that

phony supernatural jackass.

Alright, look,

about a month ago,

this freaky dude rolls into town

and talking some jive

ass hocus pocus shit.

At first it was just a joke,

but this guy, shit, Jimmy,

this dude, he's like

a cross between,

between Vincent

Price and Jim Jones.

This is bad Jimmy,

real bad.

♪ It's real bad Jimmy

You're damn

right it was bad,

it was end of the fucking

world kind of bad.

And it was about to get worse.

♪ It's about to get

real, real, real,

♪ Real bad

♪ In this world

♪ There is evil

♪ And it's coming to

rip out your spine

♪ But there's a line

♪ In the darkness

♪ That killing monsters

♪ Is how you will shine

♪ His name is Jimmy Chevelle

♪ And he's coming for you

♪ If you're an evil monster

♪ There ain't nothin' you can do

Jimmy Chevelle, good

to see you my man.

What do you know about that?

I don't know shit

about that shit.

Sure you do.

Don't with that baby.

Says who?

Says me.

What do you know

about this shit ugly?

That's for me to know

and you to find out.

You're gonna find out

about my fist in your face

if you don't start

talkin' motherfucker.

Why don't you make me.

Freeze motherfucker.

Oh, oh god.

What the shit is that thing?

Don't worry baby,

I got everything under control.

♪ To turn your back on evil

♪ Is a price you cannot afford

♪ When you've thrown

your shoes at people

♪ Who can pull out

your spinal chord

Now listen up mamma

cause I'm only gonna

lay this on you once,

I work for a very top secret

branch of the government

that exists to do battle

with supernatural,

diabolical occult forces

that most people

don't even know exist.

Now if you're cool with that,

maybe later on you and

me can get it together,

but right now, I got business.

We are gathered here tonight

as instruments of a

cruel and beautiful fight

for we alone have dared

to seek a terrible truth

the truth of madness,

the truth of chaos,

the truth of cosmic horror,

that drivels and drools greedily

at the bareth

threshold of reality

Ah hell yeah.

We taking control of all

the pussy in Camaroville,

and we about to take

control of all the drugs,

we control all the

pussy and the drugs,

nobody can stop us.

Yeah man, yeah.

But what about

Jimmy Chevelle boss?

Motherfucker ganked

Uncle Poon and Big Len.

Yeah, and I loved Big

Lenny like a brother,

although I can honesty

go either way with Poon,

you know what I'm saying,

he's a nice guy...

Zip it pinhead.

I'm sure that boss

has got a plan.

Indeed.

I've already put in a

call to Danny Tcho Tcho,

and he's prepared to

unleash the Shoggoth.

Gentlemen, I assure you

Jimmy Chevelle is a dead man.

♪ Jimmy is a dead man

I got a bad

feeling about this.

Shit baby you always say that.

Come on, we face some

diabolical supernatural

occult bullshit

like this before,

and we always kick it's ass.

What's wrong Jimmy?

Yeah, you seem a

little uptight baby.

You damn right I'm uptight.

Somewhere out there there is a

diabolical supernatural cult,

I got to figure out

some way to stop it.

Don't worry Jimmy,

I'm sure you'll

think of something.

Damn straight baby,

those diabolical

supernatural occult forces

don't stand a chance.

Be cool foxes.

Shoot it's fucking

face off, Jimmy.

Someone order a pizza?

My bad.

I thought you were

somebody else.

What's the damage?

Say hello to my stinky friend.

What the fuck

is wrong with you

bringing a motherfucking

Shoggoth to my pad?

The jazz baby,

the crazy jazz is the only way

to stop it's

protoplasmic action.

Now you're gonna

get it Jimmy Chevelle.

Mr. Stinky's gonna devour

your sweet chocolate soul.

Side one, track two.

No.

Where do you think

you're going baby?

Get your fucking

hands off of me.

Yeah back off jack off.

Oh, I hate this song.

It sounds like someone's

pulling the tail of a cat

that it's gurgling a

poisonous milkshake.

No, Mr. Stinky, no.

No Mr. Stinky, no.

Listen up chump,

you're gonna tell me

what I want to know,

who put you up to this bullshit?

I ain't saying nothing.

Start talking.

Start dying.

Oh, you're gonna

fucking cut me huh?

You cutting me?

You gonna stab this guy?

Go on.

Go on, motherfucker stab me.

They made me do it, Jimmy,

they made me dress up

like a pizza delivery guy

and deliver a pizza

that's really a Shoggoth

sent here to

assassinate you man.

I'm gonna ask

you one more time,

who put you up to this

diabolical bullshit?

They'll kill me man,

worse than kill me,

I'm sworn to silence about this.

So go ahead do your

worst Chevelle,

because there's

nothing that you can do

that would be worse

than what the Knights

of Chaos would do to me

if they found out that I

told you it was them that.

Oh shit.

Goddamn it.

Not only did Danny

Tcho Tcho fail to waste

Jimmy Chevelle, he

spilled his no good

snitch ass guts

about this whole operation.

Very well.

Gentlemen it appears this

situation calls for a rather

desperate measure.

I'm afraid we're gonna

have to call in a favor

from our Fungoid

friends from Ayugof.

Geeze boss, do we have to?

Seems those fuckers

are weird man.

They even freak me out

and I'm a stone

cold super freak.

No, it's fine...

After defeating the Shogoff

and interrogating the

evil pizza delivery guy,

I realized I hand in fact

uncovered indisputable

and undeniable evidence

and proof that a

diabolical evil ass cult

is operating in Camaroville.

And if they are

not stopped soon,

the whole city is going

to be totally funked.

Look Jimmy, I appreciate that

you didn't use any swear

words in your report,

but shit, man do you realize

what the fuck this means?

What it means is that these

evil ass diabolical cultists

are the same evil ass

diabolical cultists

that wasted my partner

five years ago.

It also means that you're

off of the case as of now.

Sorry Jimmy, but you're

just too close to it.

Yeah, well so what if I am?

So you're off of the case.

Look Chief, I swore that

if I ever got my hands

on those rat salad sandwich

eating motherfuckers

I would make them pay.

Jimmy.

If I ever catch you

rat salad sandwich eating

motherfuckers,

I'll make you pay.

So if you want to

toss me off the case,

then go right ahead,

but I'm gonna go

after them myself,

and there's nothing

you can do to stop me,

so just stay out of my way baby.

♪ The Knights of Chaos

♪ Came back to enslave us

That's right, the

Knights of Chaos were back,

and these motherfuckers

were the worst of the worst.

They worship the so

called Great Old Ones,

who were super fuckin'

powerful alien beings

that came down from the stars

millions years of ago.

♪ Down from the stars

And this cult of

degenerate sons of bitches

believed that when

the stars were right,

these great old ones

would rise up

and enslave,

I can't believe this

motherfucker...

♪ You've been enslaved

♪ by the jungle juice baby

What the fuck do you

think you're doing fool?

Easy baby, I'm just a

little drunk on the funk.

What does it look like

I'm doing here baby?

Looks like you doing is

getting vomit on my ride sucker.

Be cool baby, be cool.

Don't you know

this neighborhood

can be real dangerous

for the fuzz.

Is that right?

When are you gonna quit

working for the man Jimmy?

When you gonna

quit doing crime?

Get out of here.

I had a dream last night Jimmy.

I dreamed that me and you

it was on a regular

kind of date.

We were at the movies,

you know eating

popcorn and stuff.

The weird thing is,

in this movie,

the spirit of James Brown

was rising from the grave

to deliver vengeance and rath

upon the unfunky.

That's some heavy shit babe.

I gotta cut.

Be careful out there Jimmy.

It says right here

in the Necronomicon

that the elder sign

is a five pointed star

with the flaming

eye at it's center.

Check this out.

Is that a clue?

It's like an upside

down elder sign.

Okay, no matter what Jimmy

you got to make sure that

these diabolical cult forces

never ever, ever get their

hands on the Necronomicon.

Your damn right.

Those elder sons of bitches

are up to some serious shit.

What are we gonna do Jimmy?

I can think of

a couple things.

What the fuck is

a matter with you?

Huh?

I'm in there trying

to come up with a plan

of how to keep the Earth

from being enslaved

by fucked up creatures

from beyond and shit.

How's a brother

supposed to concentrate

with you out here

screaming like a bitch?

Don't make me beat your ass.

I'm afraid that it is your ass

that is about to get beat,

Jimmy Chevelle.

Fuckin' A right.

Do you even know what

we're gonna do to you?

No, of course you don't

because you're puny

human intellect

can't wrap itself around our

supreme interstellar evil.

Take it easy baby.

I got everything under control.

I don't think you realize

what you're up against.

These things are...

Listen up momma cause I'm

only gonna say this once,

I work for a very top secret

branch of the government

that exists to do battle

with supernatural,

diabolical occult forces

that most people

don't even know exist.

Now if you're cool with that,

maybe later on you and

me can get it together,

but right now,

I got business.

You two bug ugly chumps

ready for your ass whoopin?

That's pretty tough talk

for an inferior being

that I'm about to make my bitch.

That's right fool,

we're going to

extract your brain

from your scull

and place it in a glass

sculpture at Sportcena,

and ship it back across

the cold abyss of space

to our world.

The mothership

connection motherfucker.

Yeah, and then we are going

to experiment on your mind.

Experiment on

this motherfucker.

Silly human,

it's useless to struggle.

Oh shit.

The Necronomicon.

At last, all the forbidden

knowledge of the bad era is mine.

The obscene cosmic

secrets of time and space

revealed then stripped naked

for my very eyes.

♪ Naked before my eyes

♪ What's happening Jimmy

♪ You thinkin' bout the past

Promise me, that if

anything happens to me

that you'll take

care of my baby.

Ain't shit gonna

happen to you.

Ain't shit gonna happen to you.

♪ Oh yeah

Hey there

foxy lady

you're looking to purchase,

score some illegal narcotics?

Yeah, you know, dope.

Are you squares for reals?

Yeah baby,

and we're definitely,

totally not the fuzz.

Yeah, yeah.

♪ We're not the fuzz

After rescuing

another stone cold fox

from the evil clutches

of the evil cult.

I took her back

to my pad to meet

my other stone cold foxes.

We made sweet, sweet love

and then I began training

them to be my own personal

super foxy kung fu strike force.

Solid.

God dammit Chevelle,

I thought I fucking

told you to stay away

from this God damned case.

And I told you Chief,

I couldn't do that.

Alright Jimmy,

we'll play it your way for now.

Right on.

Hey Chief, I'm gonna need

some more silver bullets.

Damn it Chevelle,

do you have any idea how

much silver bullets cost.

Probably less

than gold bullets.

Very funny

Chevelle, very funny.

But for your information,

they cost a lot of

fucking money, a lot.

You shot that last

dude nine times,

nine fucking times.

I'm gonna need three,

maybe four more clips.

Look, I can put in

a requisition request

but it's gonna take a few days.

Damn it Chief, I

don't have a few days.

I think you're

gonna like this.

Looks like an ordinary

asthma inhaler,

but it fires a blast of

lethal face melting gas.

What about this?

Looks like a normal phone.

And it functions like

a normal phone too,

and it's packed with

enough explosives

to take out half a city block.

Blammo.

All you got to do is

enter a six digit code,

36, 24,

I can dig it Chief.

And this is my favorite.

A standard department

issued mag light,

but watch.

Right on.

Hold on.

This could be a clue.

This Jimmy Chevelle?

I'm the guy

who is all about the shit

you've been asking

all over town.

♪ Loose lips on a

dirty little snitch

alright I'll keep talking.

Alright, come to the

old and smoke cannery.

Come alone and don't

keep me waiting,

cause I got a lot to say.

Freeze motherfucker.

Easy there,

I'm the guy that phoned you.

You know, on the phone.

That's right.

I know all about the shit

you been asking all

over town about.

I know a lot of shit

about a lot of shit.

Dig it.

It all started the night

Daddy Rolling Stone died.

Now as everybody knows,

Daddy Rolling Stone

was a deadly serious stone

cold mack of legendary status.

And I was his bodyguard,

personal assistant,

and righteous right

hand motherfuck.

Gentlemen,

I'm sure you're wondering

why I called you

here this evening.

Shit yeah we're wondering,

we're hella wondering, man.

Shut the fuck up.

You are here

because you control

the major sources

of prostitution

in east Camaroville.

And from now on,

you'll be working for me.

Like hell I will.

The fuck make think you

just roll up in town

and take over my shit?

I'm glad you asked.

You see we've spent

the last five years

waiting for the moment

when the stars would be right.

And also completely renovating

and redecorating our lair.

And now, the moment

of our unholy destiny

is at the threshold.

Check it out.

♪ Check it out

♪ Oh yeah baby

Soon, her transformation

will be complete.

Soon, her destiny

will be fulfilled.

Soon, she will be born again

as the bride of Cthulhu.

♪ Born again

♪ Bride of Cthulhu

Is that right?

Well I don't make deals with

devil worshiping motherfuckers.

And I sure don't make deals with

devil worshiping motherfuckers

that's crazy motherfuckers.

Even if I did make deals with

devil worshiping motherfuckers

that's crazy motherfuckers,

I wouldn't fuck with your ass.

You motherfuckers

creep me the fuck out.

It seems we have an

opportunity available.

How would you feel

about being in charge

of our prostitution operations

on the east side?

Yeah, yeah

Far out man.

Yeah, let's get

down to business.

First there is a small matter

of your initiation.

Maybe I can dig,

you want me to prove

my loyalty and shit,

yeah, you want me to go out

and shank some motherfucker,

maybe maybe.

The initiation rites of

the esoteric Knights of Chaos

have been passed down in secrecy

through the centuries.

Right on man,

yeah, whatever you, just,

what do I got to do?

You are to disrobe

and recline in a casket,

and then at the

stroke of midnight,

the rest of us gather

and spill our seed on you.

You want me to

get buck ass naked

in a fucking coffin

while you guys jack off on me?

You know what I just realized

I got some very serious

pimping business

to attend to, so,

I gotta go.

That's when I hauled

ass out of there

and I been on the

run ever since.

Man I been hounded

by unstoppable,

diabolical forces that

want to jack off on me.

And nothing can stop them Jimmy.

Nothing can stop them.

Sounds like you got

a serious problem.

You don't understand man,

the whole city's got

a serious problem.

Man these perverts already see

is who holds the ball of

poonanny in this town,

and after tonight,

they gonna control the

goddamned dope market too.

Nice story.

I wonder how much of it is true.

Who the fuck?

You been following me?

Who are you?

What the hell are

you doing here huh?

Why the fuck you been

following me, huh?

Huh, why the fuck

you following me?

You better start giving

me some answers bitch,

or I will...

Oh god.

How do you like that answer?

Or that one?

Maybe you were

wondering about this.

Now,

got any more questions

for me, bitch?

No, I think I'm

good on questions.

Man you're lucky

she didn't cut you.

What the shit was that?

Oh man, probably some

of them unstoppable,

diabolical forces that

have been hounding me.

Don't let them jack

off on me Jimmy.

Well, well, well,

what do we have here?

The fuzz, the snitch,

and the Maldonado bitch.

Looks like I'm gonna take care

of three problems at once.

Get out of here

you creepy fuck.

What if I don't want to?

Is that the sound of what

I think that's the sound of?

That's right Jon,

that's the motherfuckin hound

of the motherfuckin Tinelos.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Jimmy, Jimmy.

Jimmy, oh god.

Got to stop them man.

Oh shit man,

like a

unstoppable, unspeakable,

demon goddesses

is gonna devour the souls

of every motherfucker

in Camaroville.

You got to stop them,

Jimmy.

And Jimmy,

thanks man.

Thanks for not letting

them jack off on me.

You got the stuff?

Yeah we got the stuff.

Where's the bread?

Yeah.

50 large.

Five keys,

uncut black lotus opium.

Freeze motherfuckers!

Whoa there,

take it easy homie.

Yeah, be chill dog.

Yeah, super chill.

Shit baby, why you got

to be so cold blooded?

I'm getting real tired

of your stupid face amigo.

I'm not your amigo chump.

Who you calling chump fool?

I'm calling you

a chump, chump.

And after I kick your chump ass,

I'm gonna put a stop to

your whole chump ass cult.

How you like the sound of that?

Chump.

Well I don't know

but how you like the

sound of this hesse?

Oh smooth song.

Oh it sounds good right.

Oh I hate this

new hip hop music.

Turn it up.

Uh oh, you in trouble now.

Shit baby, that

ain't no normal beat.

That's some backwards chanting,

monster summoning bullshit.

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa amigo.

Check it out.

The girl in the leather,

watch as she's

getting fucked up now.

How you like that.

You like that shit?

Get your fuckin hands

where I can see them

and don't make any sudden moves.

Yeah.

Whoa, easy now.

You don't know who

you're dealing with.

I work for a very top secret

branch of the government

that exists to do battle

with supernatural,

diabolical occult forces

that most people

don't even know exist.

So do we.

Dammit Jimmy.

Do you even care how

badly you fucked up?

Do you realize that

Detectives Riggs and Manatucci

have been involved in an

ongoing, undercover investigation

for the last nine months.

I didn't want to have to do this

but you've given

me no choice Jimmy.

Give me your badge and gun.

Hold it there Chief.

We need him on this case.

Five years ago,

you and your partner

stamped out this cult

of degenerate psychopaths

dedicated to the great old ones

who lived ages before mankind.

That's right.

Why don't you tell me

something I don't already know.

Like I don't know,

why are you two dealing

black lotus opium

to dangerous cultists?

Because smart guy,

we were undercover.

Duh.

Well thanks for

clearing that up.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've got some real work to do.

Agent Chevelle,

you've dealt with

these fuckers before,

you have first hand experience

of what we're dealing with.

We need you man.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I don't

work with chumps.

God dammit Chevelle,

you play ball here

or you're out of

the fucking game.

You know what Chief,

I told you I was gonna

do things my way,

the Jimmy Chevelle way.

So just stay out of my way baby.

♪ Jimmy quit the police

♪ Gonna do things his way

Freeze motherfuckers!

Well, we've been

anticipating your arrival.

Yeah, well I hope

you've been anticipating

this stone cold ass beating

I'm about to lay

down on you sucker.

You my friend

are a fleeting annoyance

will be brushed

aside and forgotten.

However you my dear

are another matter entirely.

Indeed your destiny...

As I was saying, your destiny

is much more interesting.

And it begins with a baptism

in the Eldredge flames of mass.

Jimmy.

Jimmy, help me.

Help me Jimmy.

Jimmy.

Jimmy I can feel it,

it's eating my soul.

♪ What's your next move Jimmy

♪ What's it gonna be

I wasn't sure what

my next move was gonna be.

But I had a feeling

it was gonna involve

a super foxy chick

with access to an ass load

of black market firearms

and explosives.

But look,

it's really simple,

you either have my guns

or you don't have

my fucking guns,

comprende?

You want me,

we should go over there?

What do you think genius?

Just the chick

I was looking for.

What say you and me

get down to business.

And when I say business,

what I really mean is pleasure.

Don't jive me sucker.

We both know that you

and I can't get together

as long as I'm a criminal

and you're a cop.

I ain't a cop no more,

cause I quit being a cop.

Right on.

I was wondering

when you was gonna

wise up.

I need a favor baby.

Gentlemen,

as you know, we

have taken control

of the major sources of marijuana

coming into Camaroville.

And with just a few grains

of this black lotus opium,

that ordinary reefer

is transformed into

a potent psychotropic

that not only effects the

central nervous system,

it permanently alters

brain function.

I call this powerful new blend

the Necronomichronic.

♪ Necronomichronic baby

And even now it is

being distributed

throughout the city

where it will not only

speed the metamorphosis

of the masses,

but prepare them

to be enslaved by

the great old ones.

Can you dig it?

♪ Well, can you dig it?

Yeah, sure boss,

but does this Necronomichronic

still get you high

like regular weed?

Oh I should say so.

♪ It will get you high

♪ Like regular weed will

Nobody fucking move,

you're all under arrest.

That's right mister,

your days of trying to

enslave the Earth are over.

Yeah, we're bringing your

crumby asses to justice.

Oh yes, the forces of justice.

How good of you to join us.

Indeed this saves me the trouble

of having to send for you.

You want me to

stab her now boss?

Not yet.

She can still be of further use.

♪ Gonna turn that woman

♪ The chief of police,

♪ Into a dope smoker

♪ To make her work for me

You evil son of a bitch,

you ain't gonna turn me into

a goddamned dope smoker.

Oh, I'm afraid I must insist.

Far out.

Hi daddy.

What the hell are you

doing bring a cop in here?

This is my night off sweetheart.

And you know damn well

on daddy's night off he likes to

enjoy some amateur strippers

and not be hassled by the fuzz.

But daddy he's

not a cop anymore.

That's right.

I'm not a cop no more.

Cause I quit being a cop.

Please daddy.

Alright, alright, alright,

let's hear what he has to say.

Dig it.

We both know that

there's some diabolical,

occult basters out there

that have taken

over Camaroville.

Now sooner or later,

you're either gonna be forced

to join up with these guys,

or get out of business.

Maybe,

just maybe.

What's your point?

My point is

I can deal with them,

but I need some help.

So just speaking

hypothetically,

if I was gonna give

you a little help,

what are you looking for?

I'm thinking maybe 200

pounds of plastic explosives

will do the trick.

Yeah, we can do that.

Why don't you come around

early tomorrow morning,

we'll make it happen.

I need this shit tonight.

Alright, alright.

Grouch, take Taco

Donnie on my car,

go get the shit

and bring it back.

No, no, no, that won't work.

Why not boss?

Because we took a

fucking cab here genius.

Listen, listen,

why don't you and

Taco Donnie take

his car and go get the

shit and bring it back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Neither one of these

clowns is driving my car.

I'll drive.

No.

No way.

I don't want the fuzz,

or the ex fuzz to know

where my stash is.

And I'm not letting

those idiots drive my car.

So we're gonna have to figure

something else out here, okay.

I have an idea.

This is some pretty

fucked up shit,

you know that right.

I don't see what

the big deal is.

Everything is going to be fine.

Oh it better be.

You be super fuckin'

careful you hear me.

Don't worry.

And don't be

fuckin' with my radio.

Right here baby.

Look out boss.

Do something.

Get out of my way

you son of a bitch.

Take 'em out boy,

acid shooting titties.

Who would have figured.

Drop the weapon Chevelle.

Fuck you Chief.

You're not the

chief of me no more.

The old ones were,

the old ones are,

and the old ones shall be.

We who speed their return

shall be blessed

with divine madness,

while the rest of you

shall be as dancing whores

existing only to

amuse your masters.

Amuse?

I'm gonna be real

fucking amusing.

Shit.

How 'bout that?

Was that amusing enough for you.

You're too late.

When the great

old ones get back,

you are gonna be sorry Jimmy.

Shut up.

Give me back my badge

you headless bitch.

And so once again we

meet Jimmy Chevelle.

Once again you dare

stand in the way of my

unholy destiny.

And once again, you will fail.

The stars are right.

The time is now.

Nothing can stop us.

You thought I

died in the fire.

But you were wrong.

I was reborn.

No.

We're supposed to

do battle against

supernatural,

diabolical occult forces

that most people

don't even know exist.

We were wrong.

Humanity is nothing but

an insignificant speck

in the eyes of the

great old ones.

We were partners.

And we can be again Jimmy.

But.

Join us Jimmy.

No.

I got to keep doing battle

against supernatural

diabolical occult forces

most people don't

even know exist.

♪ Jimmy

♪ Your ex is evil

♪ You shouldn't get with

those kinds of people

The old ones were,

the old ones are,

and the old ones shall be.

Not in places we know,

but between them.

The walk serene and primal

undimensioned,

and to us unseen.

Behold the bride of Cthulhu.

Freeze motherfuckers.

Solid.

Take it easy baby.

We got everything under control.

That's right we're

a foxy strike force

of deadly foxes

dedicated to doing battle

with supernatural

diabolical occult forces

that most people

don't even know exist.

And if you're cool with that,

then maybe later we

could get together.

Right now,

we got business.

Just try and hold it off.

I got something that

will stop it for good.

You cannot stop

my unstoppable,

unholy destiny Jimmy Chevelle.

See that's where

you're wrong sucker.

Cause I got enough

explosives in here

to level a city block.

And now your soul will feed

the insatiable appetite

of the bride of Cthulhu.

I'd like to stick around baby,

but I don't dig getting blown up

into a million and fuck pieces.

36,

24,

38.

That's right,

that's what you get when you

fuck with Jimmy Chevelle.

You get your diabolical

ass blown the fuck up.

We are sorry, the

six digit code you entered

has too much booty,

please try again.

We gotta get the

fuck out of here baby.

What we gotta do is

stop that monster bitch.

You crazy baby,

that is one unstoppable,

undefeatable

juggernaut of

unholy destruction.

I have about 250 pounds

of plastic explosives

packed in the trunk of your car,

and the back seat is

full of napalm canisters.

You think you gonna

make a slave of the world,

I'll see you in hell first.

What the hell is it Jimmy?

It's one of the

great old ones,

an ancient extraterrestrial

abomination

from beyond space and time.

Terrible herald of infinite

madness and unimaginable horror,

a sanity shattering bringer of

limitless gibbering

Cyclopean chaos.

Shit baby,

that's the Bride of Cthulhu

and I just kicked it's ass.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ When I'm in the jungle

he is my best friend

♪ Shaggy Elephant

♪ When I need someone, I

know that I can depend on

♪ Shaggy Elephant

♪ When you're feeling down climb

on his back and ride around

♪ Shaggy Elephant

♪ When you're in a funk

♪ he'll stomp his feet

and wave his trunk

♪ Because he's Shaggy Elephant

♪ Shaggy Elephant

♪ Shaggy

♪ I love you

♪ Shaggy Elephant I love you

♪ Shaggy Elephant

I love you baby

♪ Come on

♪ Shaggy Elephant

you came around

♪ Movin' to a grove

and it shook the ground

♪ Now we can't stop

movin' to that sound

♪ Thank Shaggy Elephant

♪ For showin' us

how to get down.

♪ Shaggy Elephant

you came around

♪ Movin' to a grove

and it shook the ground

♪ Now we can't stop

movin' to that sound

♪ Thank you Shaggy Elephant

♪ For showin' us how to get down

Badass Monster Killer (2015) - full transcript