Bad Trip (2020) - full transcript

I'm washing cars

Washing a car
Washing a car

Whoo!

Dang it.

Hey. What's up, man?

- Good. Is this your Bimmer?
- Yeah.

Okay, cool. I'm almost done.
I just gotta do the interior.

- I'm Chris, by the way.
- Keith.

Keith.
Nice to meet you, Keith.

Be like, five minutes.

- You good. Take your time.
- Yeah.



- Where you from, man?
- Birmingham, Alabama.

Birmingham. Whoa, okay.

I'm a Florida guy.

Born and raised.

Just trying to hustle,
do my thing, you know.

Yeah, same here.

You gotta fake it
till you make it, right?

That's it!

That's what
I'm talking about.

You know what's up.

Okay. Right on. Cool.

I knew a guy that, like,
got a, uh...

Shit!

That was my high school crush.



- Huh?
- I swear to God,

that's my crush
from high school.

- For real?
- Yeah, yeah.

- That's Maria Li.
- For real?

I haven't seen her
in forever, man. I'm like...

- All right. Yeah.
- I'm shaking. Yeah, dude.

That's why I got quiet.

'Cause I promised myself
next time I saw her,

I was gonna ask her out.

But I haven't seen her
in forever.

I don't even know
if she remembers me.

Oh, man.
Shoot, you're just shy.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

I look like a schlub, though.

Nah, you look good, man.

You think so?

The least you could do is
just... "Hey, how you doing?

- "You remember me?"
- Yeah?

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

- "Good to see you."
- All right. Cool.

I'll vacuum your car

and then I'll get you
out of here. Yeah, yeah.

Can you just
hit that "on" switch

on the vacuum for me?
Thanks, man.

- Right here?
- Yeah, yeah. Thanks, man.

Yeah, there's probably so many
other guys that wanna...

Shit.

Oh, shit.

Shit!

Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit!
What the fuck?

No, no, no.

No, no, no.
Oh, my God! Turn it off.

What did you press?

Turn it off! What the fuck?

I'm gonna get fired again.

- Oh, shit.
- Give me your jacket.

Jacket, jacket,
jacket, jacket.

Thanks, man. Holy fuck.
Why, why, why?

- What did you do?
- I just pressed "on".

Shit.

Oh, now, that's Maria.

That's Maria. Holy shit.

- Hey, excuse me, sir.
- Oh, God.

Hi. Hey. Hi.

Um, do you know how long
an interior detail takes?

I'm a little bit in a rush.

I just wanna know how long
it's gonna take.

- Um, I'm not sure.
- Psst! Psst!

Don't let her leave.
Don't let her leave.

Okay.

I'm just gonna go
to another car wash.

- Wait, wait. Keith!
- Okay, thank you.

- Okay. Thanks.
- Get her number.

Get her number.
Get her number.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

Can I get your number
to have somebody call you?

My number? No. Uh...

Thank you, though.
I'm... I'm good. Thanks.

Hey, dude,
what the fuck just happened?

She's left, dude?

Fuck.

I was so close, though.

- No, you weren't.
- Damn it.

Bud, you will never guess

who I just ran into
at the car wash.

It was crazy. Let's hang out.

Okay, cool.
I got a customer.

I'll see you after work.

All right, bro.
I'll talk to you soon.

Hi. How can I help you?

I broke this.

Is there any way
you could possibly fix it?

I don't know if it's
ruined completely, but...

I think there's something
we can actually do.

Luckily, we're not as busy...

Yeah. Are you normally
pretty busy?

Yeah. For some reason

everybody's breaking
their phone.

Can I get your information?

- 0-5-7...
- What up, bro?

What up...
What up, Trina? What's up?

Nothing much.

- How you doing?
- Hi. How are you?

Good, good, good.

Y'all see that car
right there?

That's yours?

Yeah, that's my
Bad Bitch right there.

When you see it,
it make everything okay.

'Cause it's kinda like
Pepto-Bismol.

- There you go. There you go.
- It fixes everything.

I like to drink Pepto-Bismol

with a little bit of Hennessy
in it.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's good.

What you need?

I need 50 bucks.

I'm at work right now.

You can't be in here asking me
for money in front of

- everybody like that.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry about that.
- No, no. That's okay.

This is my little brother.
Come on.

First of all,
ain't you supposed

to be on house arrest?

House arrest,
smouse arrest.

Ain't nobody worried
about that.

Let me hold 50.

Come on, bro.

- I got $20.
- $20?

That's all I got.

- That's it?
- That's it.

I know
you got more than that.

- What are you doing?
- Let me see.

- What?
- I know you got some more.

- Look at this.
- That's just $3.

- You playin' with me?
- No, that's my lunch money.

No, this is mine.

I'm so sick of you
with your stupid threats.

Give me this.

Fuckin' crybaby-ass bitch.

You ain't never
gonna get out this town.

You ain't never gonna be shit.
You know what?

Fuck house arrest.
Fuck all this shit.

Hey, hold that for me.

And here.

- No, no, no.
- That's for you.

Keep your mouth shut.

- But...
- You too.

Don't say nothin'.
I remember faces.

I'm gonna kill every one of
you white motherfuckers

if you snitch.

Cheers. Thank you.

Got you a snack
to cheer you up.

Cheers. Ding.

- Thanks, man.
- Of course.

Don't let her get
in your mind, bro.

You gotta stand up
to her, man.

You know my sister.

It's hard to stand up to her.
She's a bully.

I think Trina's right, man.

I don't think we're ever gonna
get out of this town.

- No.
- Man, I hate that shit.

No. Trina is not right, dog.

I'm telling you,
seeing Maria today,

that was a positive omen, man.

Mark my words,
by this time next year,

we're gonna be
out of these jobs.

We're gonna be going
on big adventures.

All right.

Hello?

Oh! What the fuck?

Who are you?

- I'm a plumber.
- What time is it?

Fuck, I'm late!
I'm late! I'm late for work!

I'm late!

Oh, I'm late for work!
Shit, shit.

Oh, God!

I cannot get fired.

God damn it.

Shortcut.

Shit.

I was looking at my watch.
Sorry!

Ow.

Oh, my God.

Oh! Whoa!

Sorry.

I thought the window was open.

I'm late for work. My bad.

I can help you.

Thank you.

Have a good one.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Shit. No, shit.

I'm sorry.

Sorry!

What the fuck, dude?

I'm late. I'm late. I'm late.

Oh, shit. Damn it.

I'm sorry about that.
Sorry. Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

Allow me. Ladies first.

Thank you.

After you.

All right. Nice! I made it.

Can you, um, tell me
about the detox?

Uh, it kind of makes you poop.

You'll be in the bathroom
for a while.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah. You wanna try
our new flavor?

Oh, it's not a margarita?

Oh, I wish.

Put some of this in there.

Some mango or whatever.

But why would you put a spoon
in there

if you're gonna use your hand?

Oh, sometimes I forget.

You know, the best chefs
in the world use their hands.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's unacceptable.

You work in health care,
you know...

Germs actually help
your immune system.

No, no, no.
You're touchin' the counters.

You're touchin' the counters.

You're touchin' all these
different things,

and then you're gonna put
your hand in there

and comment you're a chef?

And we supposed to
accept that?

Here, you want money
or something? Like...

You can take out of this jar.

Like, it doesn't even go
to that. Like...

Can we just all settle
on that?

What in the world?

Maria!

I'm sorry.
Was that loud? Maria.

- Come, come...
- Hi.

She's a VIP customer.

- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.

Just cut in front of
these people.

- Hi, sorry. Hi.
- I'm sorry, guys.

How you gonna do that
right there?

She's a VIP, but we're in line
and we gotta get waited on.

- Sorry.
- Chris Carey.

From high school.
Biology class.

- You know, "Crazy Chris".
- Um...

"Retard Chris".

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- How the hell are you?
- Oh, my God, Chris.

I haven't seen you
in forever.

Yeah. I'm actually living
in New York City.

Wow, New York! The Big Apple.

Yeah.

Hey, that's an apple
I'd like to juice. Right?

What are you doing up there?
I've never been up there.

Oh, I'm actually, um,
a curator at an art gallery.

- So, yeah.
- Right on.

Um, here, uh, have a juice.
On the house.

- Okay. Oh.
- Huh?

This is terrible.
This is not good at all.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- It's terrible.

I'm at work and it gets crazy
at work sometimes.

This is not good.

What do you, uh...

What...

What would you say, like...

What do you, uh...
What are you doing later?

You wanna, like,
get a bite or something?

I... God, I would
love to actually,

but I'm on my way
to the airport right now.

Yeah, there's this big
art show I'm doing on Friday

that I have to get back for.

- Oh, okay. Okay, cool.
- So, yeah.

But listen,
if you're ever in Manhattan,

you should come
to the gallery.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah.

- For real?
- Yeah, I'll show you around.

- Yeah. Okay. Great.
- Thank you for this.

- This is so great.
- This is great.

- Okay, I'll see you.
- Mix it up.

- Mix it up.
- I'll see you later.

Great seeing you, Chris.

See ya.

Can we order now?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
He fell down, he fell down.

Yes!

You mind if I, uh,
ask you for advice?

I just saw my dream girl

and I finally mustered up
the courage to ask her out.

I'm in total shock.

Why? 'Cause she's accepted
or what?

Yeah. But she lives
in New York, that's the catch.

- So what?
- I've never felt this way

about a woman before.

What do you have going here?

I don't got anything
going here,

- that's the thing.
- No?

I got, you know,
my best friend is here.

My friend, Bud.

Man, you know, I say...

Go for it.

If you don't,
the rest of your life,

you're gonna be sitting here
saying, "What if I woulda?

"What if I coulda?"

Yeah. What am I doing here?

I can't...

I can't just wait around
and hope for things to happen.

I gotta make it happen.

There you go. Claim it.

Claim it. Yes.

- Yeah.
- Thank you, man.

Thanks for the advice, man.

I'm going to New York.

I saw a girl today

I saw a girl, no way

I saw a girl today

And her name is Maria

I saw a girl today

What the...

The one that got away

I saw a...

Holy cow!

And her name is Maria

Whoo! Thank you, man.

I owe you. Thank you. Whoo!

I'm going to New York,
brother! Thank you!

Whoo!

He's in love. He's crazy.

I saw a girl today

What? Get off me.

I saw a girl, no way

What are you doing?

I saw a girl today

Get the fuck away from me.

And her name is Maria

Spinning my wheels,
I haven't done shit

I'm out of here,
I fucking quit

Maria has opened the door

Later, smoothies,
I'm off to New York

He saw a girl today

Oh, shit.

He saw her girl, no way

He saw a girl today

And her name is Maria

I saw a girl today

I saw a girl, no way

Shit!

I saw a girl today

And her name is Maria

Maria

Maria

Maria

The fuck?

I'm telling you,

Maria just fell out of the sky
into my lap today.

And said, "Hey, Chris,
I haven't seen you in ages.

"What have you been up to?"
And I go...

"I don't know,
I just been working

"at the mall
since high school."

And she was, like,
"Oh, well, good news.

"I'm your guardian
fucking angel.

"And I'mma take you
outta this hellscape

"and bring you to the
motherfucking promised land!"

So what? I mean,
what does that mean?

Look at our lives, man.

Stuck in Florida,
spinning our wheels,

bullshit job
after bullshit job.

It's finally time for that
big adventure, brother.

I'm talking road trip
to the NYC!

Hey, has anybody here
been to New York City?

Yes!

New York

Concrete jungle
Texas albino

My pussy's on fire

Come on! New York, man. Pizza.

Calm down, bruh.

Okay. I hear you, right?
And that sounds good.

Yeah.

But how we gonna get there?
We don't have a car.

I figured it out.

Hell, no.
We're not taking Trina's car.

- Are you fucking crazy?
- Wait, wait, wait.

Hear me out. Hear me out.

You're the one paying
to store her car.

- Right?
- Yes.

Trina is in jail.

She's been in jail.
She's gonna stay in jail.

She is in J-A-I-L. Prison.

- I'm not doing this.
- Okay.

- Trina is crazy.
- Yeah, I know. I know.

You know that.
We can't take her car.

It's her car.

Just for once,
in your whole life,

forget about Trina.

Think about us.

Let's steal that goddamn car
and go to New York

and have the adventure
of a lifetime

that we always talked about.

I hate you.

We're going to New York!

Here you go. Bud Malone.

Yeah, we're driving
to New York.

- Looks good.
- What's your name again?

Kurt? Bud, Chris.
Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet ya.
- Nice to meet ya, man.

Choo-choo!

Check this out, bruh.

I got it all mapped out,
all right?

I went on Google Maps
yesterday.

I get everything together,
right?

We're gonna take
the I-95, right?

It's gonna be the quickest way
to get to New York City...

No, no, no. No rush, mi amigo.

We got four whole days
till Maria's art opening.

We can kick back, relax,
and breathe in America, dude.

- Hey.
- Ow!

Feet down, man.

You cannot mess up
my sister's car, man.

Will you relax?

The car is fine.
Your sister's in prison.

She'll never know.
What's she gonna do?

Bust outta jail?

Bus is all clear.

Psst! Psst!

Excuse me.

I'm stuck up here.
I'm stuck.

Can you help me get out?

Please. I'm stuck under here.

Oh, God.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, shit.

Hey. Shh.

Oh, man.

You see any guards out here
or anything?

You better take your ass off.
You better take off.

You better fucking...
You better run.

Man, I'm gonna get my car,
and I'm gonna go to Mexico

and I'm gonna just start
all over, man.

Get those clothes off
and get the fuck outta here.

Can I borrow your vest?

I can't give you my vest.

You my lookout.
I never forget a face.

Go.

Thank you
for helping me escape!

Hey.

We had a convict escape.
Did you see anyone?

- Where?
- Where?

They were here somewhere.
Did you see anybody?

No. You said someone escaped?

And you haven't
helped her at all?

No. How am I gonna help her?

- By giving her my vest?
- I don't know.

Did you see someone out here?
I need to know that.

Go that way.

That way?

- Someone went that way?
- Go that way.

Go that way?

Go that way.

Okay. It's an emergency.

We got an emergency here.

Man, I just wanted
to thank you.

Go, go, go.
He's looking for you.

He really?

- They're looking for you.
- Oh, shoot. Thank you so much.

- Go.
- Thank you so, so much.

I really appreciate you.
You got a baby mama?

Run away, please.
Get away from me

before I get in trouble.

Thank you for helping me.

Get the fuck outta here.

- Don't! No. Bye!
- Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

God bless you.
You an accomplice to my shit.

Whoo! I'm free!

Look, man,
you don't realize

how strong she is, okay?

My sister's crazy.

I've told you that
a million times.

She doesn't have
a regular girl hand.

I once seen her fry some fish
with her bare hand.

She grabbed the fish
out the batter,

put it in the frying pan.

Set it there till it was done.

That's insane. I've seen her
flip barbecue ribs.

No spatula. Hand.

God.

Pressing the meat. Bare hand.

I... I don't think I wanna eat
at your house anymore.

How you doing?

- Good, good.
- Hey, hey. Um...

I'm really excited
to get my car.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh, it's under Malone.

Pink Crown Vic.
Crown Victoria.

Someone just picked that up.

What?

Bud Malone
just picked that up.

Bud picked up my car?

Was he with somebody?

Yeah, yeah.

What'd he look like?

Uh, they were
African American.

Do you know
where they were going?

I think
they said, uh, New York.

- New York?
- Yeah.

Their name was
on the card, so...

What's your name, man?

Bob, I ain't trying to go back
to jail for killing nobody.

But I'm about to
kill somebody, Bob.

You gave 'em my car,
now they got to die.

Sorry.

Okay.

Dude, check it out. I got
a Chinese finger trap, man.

It'll be like our good luck
charm on the road.

How about this?

I'll ask one of these
fellow Americans

where a cool bar is.

Celebrate. First road trip.

All right, whatever
you say, man. I'm down.

Excuse me, sir.

Is there a bar around here?

Me and my friend
wanna party tonight.

We're going
to Electric Cowboy tonight.

Oh, really? Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah. If you wanna turn it
around, I'll hold it for you.

Oh, really?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Help me. Help me. Help me.

Shit.

Quickly, get away.
Get away, bro.

Get away from it!
Get away, bro.

Somebody just turn it off.
Turn it off. Turn it off!

Get away!

Hello?
Where's the shut-off? God!

I swallowed some of it.

Where's the shut-off?

Here, here, here. Hold this.

No, I'm not touching that
shit. Get away from it, bro.

Here, let's just
get outta here.

That thing is broken, man.

Come on, man.
Not on the seat, man!

Thank you, cowboy man.

Chocolate glazed for you?

- Bacon? Sure.
- Great.

Hey, man.
You live in this area?

- Do we? Yeah.
- Yeah.

You seen this dude?

These dudes right here,
they stole my car.

- No, ma'am.
- This is my car right here.

This is my Bad Bitch.

Sorry. No, I don't.

Well, they're all here.
They love donuts.

- You okay?
- No, man.

Have you seen this car?

I have not.

This is my car.

My grandma gave me that car
for my 16th birthday.

I just got outta jail.

And these dudes,
I know they stole my car, man.

Where do you stay at?

"Where do I stay at?"
I stay in the Avenues, man.

Okay. You gotta go down
to the precinct.

Man, you are handsome.

- Huh?
- You are so handsome.

Thank you.

Yeah, you gotta go to, um...

You gotta to the, uh,
Zone Four Precinct.

Man.

It's been so long since a man
looked me in my eyes.

- You are beautiful.
- Thank you.

You gotta go
to the Zone Four Precinct.

Can we kiss?

- No.
- No?

It's been so long
since I kissed a man.

What's your name, Officer?
Can I get your number?

No. I'm married.

So? You a police.

Y'all don't care
about shit like that.

I do.

My pussy hairy like a booty.

Hey, hey, hey.

Excuse me. Y'all been out here
eating donuts and stuff.

You seen these guys?

Have you seen these two dudes?

- No.
- They stole my car.

They ain't trying
to holla at me.

They're not helping at all.

- Oh, wow.
- That's what I'm saying.

So you doing it
yourself right now?

- Basically.
- Say "yes" to it.

Yes. Say "yes" to it.

You know what?
Sometimes you just gotta

- do shit yourself.
- Uh-uh. You better not!

Fuck the police!

I'mma kill
these motherfuckers.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Oh, my God!

Damn it.

He's got to feel
like an idiot, doesn't he?

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, White Chicks.

Oh, yes.

That's my favorite movie
right there, man.

You know something?

The first time
I saw that movie, right?

Halfway through
I really thought

they were white women.

They look like, uh,
burn victims in that movie.

You're stupid. You don't know
anything about good cinema.

I'm more like, "God damn,
some thick-ass white girls."

Fat-ass booties.

I was like, "they got
black girl booties."

Terry Crews was convinced.
You saw the movie.

Ah, this is it.

This is the place the cowboy
was talking about.

Look at this place, man.
Fuck yes!

All right. Whoo!

Yo!

Chris, I don't know
about this, man.

Dude, trust me.
It's gonna rock. Whoo!

It's called
Electric Cowboy, though.

Mmm-hmm. Exactly.

We're not cowboys.

We're about to be.

What do you think, man? Huh?

USA, baby!

We are the only black people
in here.

I don't see race.
Didn't even notice.

You know what race I see?
The American race.

Right out on that dance floor.

Sorry.

Bud, this is awesome!

Get your ass over here.

- Great job!
- Thank you. Thank you.

Let's get some shots, huh?

First night of the road trip.

Couldn't ask for a better
partner on the road.

Let me buy you a round.

Let me buy you
a round of some shots.

Yeah, this is
my best friend, Bud.

He's a little shy.

Cheers. Pick it up. Cheers.

Here's to you, Bud Malone.

- Wow!
- This should be it, okay?

Give me one more shot.

I guess it do.

I would have suggested
not to do that.

Did he just drink
outta that thing?

I drank
a little bit too much.

I'll put it that way.

I gotta make a call
real quick.

See you later, pal.

What's wrong with him?

He's just so wound up.

He's so uptight.
I don't know. Like...

Can we pray for him?

Do you mind praying for him
real quick?

I'm not...

Dear Jesus who art in Heaven,

Father be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

I hope Bud has an amazing time
on this road trip.

I hope I get to Maria

and we fall in love...

and we make love and have sex
with her without a condom.

And, like, of course I'll
make her come first.

And then,
I'm kinda free to, like,

you know,
jizz whenever I want to.

I wanna make her come first,

but then I'll jizz
whenever I want to. So...

- Amen.
- Amen.

I gotta go pee-pee.

I'll be right back.

Uh, excuse me.
Where's the bathroom?

Holy shit. I'm sorry.

How much did you drink?
Are you a fucking camel?

Happy birthday, dear Lena

Happy birthday to you

Shots on him.
Now, I don't know your name.

Bud. I've never been out
like this before,

but this is fun.

What do you want a shot of?

Hey, DJ, cut the music!

Cut the music!

I'd like to make a toast

to my best friend, Bud Malone.

What the fuck are you doing
up there? Get down.

Yeah, he's a little nervous.

We're the only
black guys in here.

He's the coolest guy
in the world, man.

- Get down from there! Wait!
- I love you all.

Hey, he all right?

Oh, shit!

- Are you okay?
- Get him out there.

Is he all right?

Come on, come on, come on.
Get up. Get up.

Give him some room.
Give him some room.

No, no, no.

You just fell off
a freaking bar,

so you need to get
checked out.

I'm fine.

Do you have a water bottle?
Or a cup?

- I got a wet rag.
- Yeah, give him some water.

Oh, my God.

Okay. I'm serious about
calling this guy an ambulance.

- He's not okay if he's puking.
- I'm fine.

Somebody needs to get me
a fucking drink and chill out.

No, seriously,
that's not gonna be good.

Easy now, killer.

What the fuck is wrong
with you? Like, seriously?

I wanted to celebrate you.

This is a celebration of you
and your life.

I don't know. Thank you
for talking me into this.

Felt good to be out.
I needed it.

We should probably get
some rest or wash up.

Good night, Bud.

Night, Chris.

God damn it.
What type of light is this?

What the fuck?

One day closer
to Maria.

- All right, let's do this.
- All right. Okay.

I feel good.
It's a new day, right?

Yeah, a new day.

Okay. USA.

The price of art
is skyrocketing.

This is the first one that
I wanted to show because it's

the one that there's
a lot of debate about.

I was thinking it looked like
Lord of the Rings, uh, thing.

It kinda looks like, uh,

a relic.

Maria.

Chris?

Oh, God. Yes.

Yes, Chris! Yes!

Chris.

Chris!

Chris!

This looks awesome.

We're doing
some free sampling.

Well, let's get, like,
three of those,

and maybe some bread.

Hey, looking good, babe.

You talking to my girl?

- I got this. I got this, baby.
- Oh, that's your girl?

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry about that.

- Are you sure?
- I got this. You all right?

Come on.

You like hitting on
women at farmers markets?

- What's wrong with you?
- Piece of shit!

- Crazy ass.
- What the fuck are you doing?

You're fucking
hitting on me here?

What's wrong with you?

Damn. What the fuck?

- Fuck. Crazy bitch.
- That is hot.

What are you looking at?

Hey, he's blind.
He's blind.

He's blind.
He's blind. Please!

Fucker.

Get his money. Get his money.
Get his money.

- No! He didn't do anything.
- What is happening?

Run. Let's run. Let's run.
Let's just go. Let's just go.

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

- Oh, my God.
- Stop!

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

And you may now

kiss me.

Uh...

What?

Oh, my God.

Okay, there's no way
White Chickswould work

- in real life, man.
- I'm telling you...

They look like bleached
Ninja Turtles.

Bruh, matter of fact,

this lady right here.
That could be a brother.

That's ridiculous.
Okay, watch this.

- Excuse me, miss.
- Yes?

Are you a black man?

No.

Case in point.

Why would you ask
somebody that?

You said that it could work.

It'd look frightening.

Wait a minute. What is this?

The zoo?
Come on, man.

You know I love zoos.

We gotta do this, bruh.

I think we got time, right?

Yeah. We're more
than halfway there.

We're making great time.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- No problem.

Or black sir.

Take care, brother.

Dude, zoos are sick!

- This makes me happy, man.
- You're having fun,

- aren't you?
- I'm having fun.

Look at that.
That's a fancy cat.

- Two buds on the road.
- What up?

- Booyah.
- Booyah.

I like it, man.

- This is a good idea.
- Yeah, man.

Zoo life, baby!

Right now,
we'd like to take you guys

up here to see our wolves

and our large primate area.

Do me a favor, everybody,

and keep just
a little bit of room off here.

Okay, come on in.

Oh, I like the Silverback.

Hey.

Step on in, guys.
Step on in.

Guys, this is Jesse.
Everybody can say hi to Jesse.

- Dude.
- Hey, Jesse.

Gorilla.

Dude.

- The gate's open.
- Why don't you close that?

- Put it down.
- Shut up.

I'm gonna get a selfie
with the gorilla.

- No. No.
- Yes. For Maria.

Come on. It'll melt her heart.

Are you crazy?

Come back here.

Shut up. Don't wake him up.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- Shut up. Keep it down.

Hey. No, don't.

Come back here.

Come back here. Here.

Hey.

Good.

Very good. Good work.

So this is Gideon,

and he is our primary
ambassador wolf over here.

And Gideon is really,
really good at jumping.

Good.

He's got my leg!

Oh, my God!

Sir!
Sir, you can't be in there.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, hey.

Please.

Be quiet. Be quiet.

Don't look him
in the eye.

I'm so scared.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Stay calm.

- Stay calm.
- Bud, help me.

Oh, my God.

- Stop that!
- Oh, my God!

You fucking a man.

He's a human being.

Oh, my God. Fuck.

- What's his name?
- His name is Chris.

Chris, come on!

Stay still.

- Shit! Shit!
- Stay calm. Stay calm.

- Stay calm.
- Shit!

- Oh, shit.
- Jimmy, back in.

Jimmy, back in.
Bananas for you.

Shit! Damn, we on this.

Help me, Jesus. Jesus!

- Back in there.
- Jesus!

Would you put the lock on
or something?

- Good boy.
- Why did you go in there?

The rest of us have kids.

I wanted to take a picture.

You wanted to take a picture
of the gorilla?

- Face to face?
- Yeah, for this girl.

Would she go in there
for you?

- No.
- Exactly.

So why are you
going in there for her?

I'm trying to get her
to be my girlfriend.

She's not your girlfriend yet?

No. I gotta get my cell phone.

- No, you can't go in there.
- What the fuck are you doing?

Sir, you can't go in there.

If that damn thing come back,
you gonna be through.

Oh, here it is.

Keep your mouth closed!

What are you doing
in there?

Oh, Lord, have mercy.

Bud.

How did he get
in there?

Pull your pants up, buddy.

Hey, excuse me,
brothers.

- Y'all seen this car today?
- No.

This my brother Bud
and his friend Chris.

This dude don't look familiar
to you at all?

- No.
- You sure you don't know them?

I'm pretty sure
I don't know them.

Okay. We gotta walk. Okay?

This ain't you, man?

- That ain't.
- Your name ain't Craig?

Yeah.

And you're telling me
you don't know them?

You sitting up here
lying to me in my face?

This is you and them.

You, Bud, Chris.

Craig.

- Where'd you get that picture?
- This is you!

- I know.
- Your name is Craig, right?

It is. And I don't know them.

Where is these dudes at?

Dude, I don't know
where they're at.

Well, when you see them...

The next time you see
these motherfuckers,

let 'em know
I'mma kill their ass.

Well, I ain't got your car,
and stop yelling at me.

No, you know
where my car at, Craig.

I've seen your ass on Facebook
and everything with them.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Where's my car at?

Ask your fucking brother!

Well, tell me
where my brother is!

And why the fuck
would I know that?

Because you're taking pictures
with these niggas!

I just want you to
tell me where my car is.

Well, if I knew where your car
fucking was, I would.

Would you?

- Yes, I would.
- Would you really?

- Would you? Really?
- Yes. Why wouldn't I?

'Cause I feel like
you lying to me right now.

I feel like you are
a motherfucking liar!

You feel like
everybody's lying to ya.

Oh, God.

Still got that gorilla
cum taste in my mouth.

Ugh.

Does Trina got any mints
in the car?

Hey, hey, hey.
Look, don't be going around

digging in the car
like that, okay?

Dude, she's got a ton
of mints in here.

- This is great.
- What?

Boy, if you gonna have a mint,
I want a mint.

- All right.
- Let me get some.

You need it
more than me, homie.

Your breath is so bad,

people look forward
to your farts.

Oh, okay. Your breath smells
like Steve Harvey's mustache.

I don't even know
what that smells like but...

You're pretty funny, man.

You're, like,
way funny tonight.

Yeah, I'm boiling.

Hello?

I mean, it's moving.

Can you put this
on your finger?

Sir, if you carry on
doing that,

I will turn around
and punch you

in your goddamn face.

Ooh. Electrolytes.

Maria?

Maria! Maria, where'd you go?

I look perfectly normal.

I look great.

Yeah, motherfuckers!
Try to find me now.

Oh, my God.

Snowball fight.

Yeah!

- Are you Maria?
- Nah. My name is Will.

Let's go to the dream place.

- Chris.
- Huh?

Where are we?

Oh, fuck,
I got a headache, man.

What happened last night?

- I don't even know.
- Oh.

I really gotta pee.

Ah!

Fuck!

Ow! Why are our dicks
in a Chinese finger trap?

What did you do to us, man?

I didn't do anything
to anybody.

I don't remember a thing!

I wouldn't put my dick
connected to your dick.

Maybe if your dick...

Man, get your hands
off my dick.

Sorry, sorry. Just get up.
Get up, get up.

- Dude, let go of my...
- Stop pulling my dick!

Come on!

We gonna do this together
if we gonna do this.

Okay. I'm gonna go for it!

Look, there's a golfer
over there.

We can ask him
to get us out of this.

My God, he's not going to
fucking help us.

Help!

Help us.

Please.
We got stuck in this thing.

How'd you guys do that? What
the fuck did you guys do?

How do we get outta this?

Just, uh, relax your dick

- and friggin' pull it out.
- Okay.

Push them together.
Push together.

Walk together.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Okay. Okay.

Just, uh...

I have no idea
what to fucking do.

You need to cut that fucker
in the middle.

Hey, hey, easy,
Harvey Weinstein.

Get the fuck out.
I'm gonna play golf.

- Go!
- You turned on us.

Yes! Get the fuck outta here.

Go! Before I hit...

You wanna really...
Fuck. Okay.

- Let's go. I'll do it.
- No, no, no!

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Get the fuck outta here.

Okay, okay, okay,
I'm sorry, man.

We'll go
to a barber shop.

They got scissors.

Hey, sir, can you get
our dicks outta this thing?

Yo, man!
I promise you!

Hey. Hey. Hey.

I promise you,
my nigga. I promise you.

Hey.
You know where to get a...

Yo,
get the fuck outta here!

He's got a knife.

Help! Help us!

Help us!

- Oh, shit. Shit.
- Oh!

Okay, okay.

It's a Chinese finger trap.

Help!

Just come this way!
Ow! Ow!

Help us.

Somebody, help us!

Somebody! Help!
Oh, my God. Somebody!

Come this way, please!

Wait, chill! Would you?

I don't know what to do!

- Okay.
- What the... No!

It's do or die!

We're free! We're free!

Does anybody got any ice?

Can I borrow water? Can I?

It don't even matter.
I just wanna...

It's really hard
to concentrate on food

when your dick was just
attached to another man's.

I don't know, man.
I'm pretty hungry.

All right. So,
you're about to see Maria.

Do you know what you're
going to say

to her once you see her?

You know
in the Boyz II Men video

when the baritone dude
breaks it down?

- Yes.
- And he's like, "Damn, girl.

"Ooh, I would suck a skittle
out your bootyhole, girl."

That's not
in any of the songs.

It's similar.

- Question. I have a question.
- Yeah, go.

Can my friend try something
on you real quick?

And I just wanna see
how you'll react to it.

Okay.

I'm in love with an angel.
Chasing a girl.

Mmm-hmm. So I'm just gonna go
up to her and say, like...

"I love you.

"Let's make love under
the sunset, us two."

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Ooh.

Yeah. That's what
I was saying to him before.

That's the kinda stuff
I was saying.

- At first?
- Let her make the first move.

Quick question, 'cause
you keep saying "at first."

When is the best time
to, like, all right.

Now you say
all the nice stuff,

and you be like,
"Okay, now sexually..."

Oh, so this is still
on the first meeting?

Same.

Same.

"Genders and genres"?
God damn.

Traveled down the road

And back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidant

Yeah, our battery died.

Thanks so much for doing this.
The car's making crazy noises.

All right, start revving it.

What did you do to my friend?

- I didn't do anything.
- You okay?

She revved the thing.
I don't know.

You told me to do that.
Don't play that.

Why did you do that?

You asked for a fucking jump.

Don't play with me,
motherfucker.

I'm coming to fuck y'all up.

This is good.

- Right here or...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, jeez. Oh, it's starting.

Help!

What happened?

- Fuck.
- What happened?

I'm stuck.

I'm sinking.

- Shit.
- I know. Come here.

Wait a minute,
go get some butter.

Butter me out of this thing.

Shit!

Oh, my God.

- It's all over me.
- Oh, my God. What the fuck?

Thank you for being a friend

Y'all seen these dudes before?
Right here?

I don't know them.

- Hey, brother.
- What?

I'm looking for these dudes
right here.

They stole my car. Look at it.
She beautiful.

That's a colorful car.

This is Bud right here.

He, like, this tall,
real dark.

Real, kind of, chubby.
Look like a peanut.

This dude right here, Chris,

got a big nose,
that white boy nose,

- but black features.
- All right.

Matter of fact, might have to
staple his nuts.

You know what I'm saying?

If y'all see these niggas
right here, they stole my car.

I'mma kill these niggas.

Just like that.

Just like fucking that.

Uh-uh!
Don't tear up in here, now.

That girl,
she could've came in here

- and just started blazing.
- Exactly.

You didn't get that
new Wesley Snipes CD?

Wesley Snipes
don't make music, man.

Man, he made
the Bladesoundtrack.

- No, he didn't.
- Yeah.

And he's got that song.

Where do you wanna sit at?

- Is anybody sitting here?
- No.

No?

Crazy girl
just came in here

and said
she's gonna kill somebody.

See that brother
right there?

Said she gonna kill him
if he stole her car.

What the fuck is that?

Oh, fuck.

That's them. That's them.

I gotta get the fuck
outta here, bro.

Wait, wait, wait.

I told you that's them.

- That girl wanna kill 'em.
- Who put this up?

She was coming through
the restaurant with them.

What'd she look like?

About 5'5".

African American.
Lighter than you.

I mean,

light color.

That could be anybody.

Y'all driving around in a hot
pink car that say "Bad Bitch."

She gonna find y'all.

I mean, there's a lot of cars
that say that.

That say "Bad Bitch"
on the back?

She said you her brother.
She said...

"Oh, that's Bud.

- "I'm killing him first."
- I don't think she cares.

Oh, I gotta get the fuck
outta here.

She's a killer.
That girl's a killer.

She's a real killer?

She got marks on her face.
She got teardrops on her face.

- That bitch'll kill you.
- Stay!

- Stay! Bud, man, please.
- Man, fuck you, man.

Bud, please.
We are almost to Maria, man.

He's not a good friend, Bud.

I told you it's them.

- I don't forget nothing, baby.
- It could be anybody.

- Eyes.
- Fuck you.

No, fuck you.
We're staying here.

No. We gotta take
the car back, bro.

- No, we do not.
- Oh, shit.

What I told you?
Did I not tell you?

Listen to me, we are so close.

- No, you're not listening.
- We are staying here.

These people don't know
what they're talking about.

The hell?
Y'all gonna say I'm lying?

She said
she's trying to kill y'all.

You just missed her.

She seemed angry?

Very angry.

You have to take
the car back.

She's supposed to be in jail.

She's supposed to be
in a jail?

She's supposed to be.

That's why I don't know
if it's her for sure.

It's her.
She said she gonna kill y'all.

Y'all stole her car.

Now go ahead on
from over here.

Go, go.
I don't wanna die with you.

- Go ahead on.
- No, no, no.

- Get your ass from by me now.
- Wait, wait, wait.

No. I just need information.
I just need information.

Get your ass from by me.

Wait, wait, wait.

Bud. Bud. Bud.

Fuck that. No. We gotta
take her car back now.

- We're so close to New York.
- Get in the car.

- We're going back to Florida.
- We're going to New York.

- No.
- Please!

"I gotta take her car back.
I gotta take her car back."

Oh, my God.

I said, "That nigga finna
kill you, nigga."

I heard that.

Hey, did you see these dudes?
Did they come up in here?

'Cause I know
they love chicken.

- Girl, you just missed them.
- Them motherfuckers was here?

I was about to call you.

Did anybody here see

which way
these motherfuckers went?

- They went that way.
- That way.

They got in the car
and went that way.

I'm finna fuck
these niggas up.

- Fuck these niggas up!
- Fuck them niggas up!

Damn it. I missed it.

Bop-bop.

Oh, shit. Let me get
the fuck outta here.

What the fuck, man?

How the fuck did she get
outta jail, man?

- We'll figure it out later.
- God damn it!

We gotta get to Maria, please.

We're going back to Florida
right now!

- Trina's on our ass.
- Look, I can't

do this shit, man.
We gotta take the car back.

Bud, stop living your life
in fear of your sister, man.

You know how crazy Trina is.
She gonna fucking kill us.

You need to stand up
to your sister for once, man.

We're going back to Florida,
all right?

- No, we're going to New York!
- No.

Come on. I gotta see Maria!

No!

Oh, my God.

You all right?

Oh, shit.

Shit.

Y'all okay?

- You guys can move?
- Call 911.

Fucking asshole.

- Uh... Uh...
- Sit down. Sit down.

Let's sit down.
Let's sit down.

No, we gotta get to New York.

Let's sit down.

We're never getting
to New York now.

What the fuck you did?

Maybe we can get somebody
to help us fix it.

We get back on the road,
and we get to New York.

New York?

You know somethin', man?
You ain't a real friend.

Real friends
wouldn't do shit like this.

You're an idiot, man.

- I'm done. You bitch.
- I am done with you.

- Don't! Hey, hey, hey, man.
- Get the fuck away from me.

Come on, bruh.

Chill out.
Hey, you take a seat, man.

- Yeah, you take a seat, Bud.
- Chill out, man.

- Hey, you take a seat as well.
- Listen to him.

Y'all need to
talk this shit out, man.

Listen to him.

Listen, you shut
the fuck up, man.

That's my sister's car, man.

I told you this was
gonna happen.

- See?
- You ain't listen.

And if we wait here till the
police come, we going to jail.

- No.
- That's a stolen car.

Hey, hey. Hey, man.

Chill out. Chill out, man.
Chill out, bro.

- Fucking kick you in the face.
- Chill out, man. Hey.

What are you gonna
do about it?

That's why you have no job.
You're a fucking loser.

All you do is
make stupid ass decisions.

Hey, man,
he got a concussion, man,

so he don't know
what he's thinking.

He's a fucking idiot.
This is how he always thinks.

I mean, he probably is, man.

But right now's not
a proper time for that, man.

Hey, chill out, man.

I'm done with you, man.
Look at that shit.

- Look at it!
- Yeah, you do need

- to look at that shit.
- It's your fault.

It is kinda fucked up.
You need to look at that shit.

It's my fault?

No!

Shit, man. This is all
your fucking fault.

Fuck you.

- Chill. We gotta get back...
- You better stay away from me.

- ...before this car blows up.
- It's your fault.

It don't matter
whose fault it is.

- We gotta get outta here.
- It's his fault for being

- a pussy his whole life.
- I'm done, motherfucker.

Not standing up
to his sister.

No. No, listen. That don't
even matter right now,

because that car explodes,
we all dead.

So let's get away, y'all,

- and talk about it.
- I'm done.

- Let's go. Let's go.
- I'm done.

- You are done. Let's go.
- I'm done!

I'm done with you, too.

Yeah, exactly. Walk away.

I'll get to New York
on my own.

I don't need any of you.

Stupid fucking car.

Hey, watch out
for that gas, man.

Hey, listen, you gonna walk
to your death if that...

You know what, man?

I don't need him.
I don't need anybody.

I'll get to New York
on my own.

Get to New York on my own.

What about you, Lexus?

Going to New York!

Come on!

All you do is
think about yourself, man.

Bud?

Bud. Bud. Bud.

- Oh.
- What?

I thought you were Bud.
With the glasses.

You look like my best friend,
Bud. And I miss him.

All right, sir.

Bud? Oh.

I thought you were
my friend, Bud.

I miss him.

Bud? Bud? Bud?

What's up, bro?

Oh, I thought
you were my friend, Bud.

Everybody got a friend
named Bud nowadays.

Yeah.

Bud!

What wars are going on now?

- What wars?
- Yeah.

We've still got conflict in,

you know,
across the Middle East.

I just wanna
go over there 'cause...

I just wanna die.

Man, what's going on
to make you say that?

I lost my best friend.

We got in a huge falling out
kind of fight.

I'll go over
to Afghanistan or Iraq,

stand on the front lines
and then just bombs away.

I understand you're going
through a hard time right now,

but that's strong words
saying you wanna die, brother.

I'll go to Vietnam or whatever

and I'll just get shot
by everybody.

I will suck your dick
if you kill me.

- Get it together.
- Please, man.

- Get it together.
- Please.

Get it together.

Right now you're acting
like a danger

to yourself and to others.

I hate myself.

Please stop. Stop, stop.

You're okay. All right?

Look, you're in a bad place
right now.

You've talked to me
for five minutes

and you've offered

- to suck my dick to kill you.
- Yeah.

I mean, you know
that's not right.

Right.

I get it, brother. I've been
in a bad place before.

- Yeah.
- You know, everybody has.

Yeah.

You just gotta
get it together, man.

Talk to your buddy
and apologize to him,

and you'll be fine.

Just tell him how you feel.

- Just tell him you're sorry.
- Yeah, yeah.

And if he's really
your friend,

and if you guys
have been friends

for as long as you have...

- Yeah.
- ...he's gonna forgive you.

Yeah. God! Dude.

Let's bring it in, brother.
Thank you.

I was kinda out of it, man.

You really brought me back.

You brought me back, brother.

Sir, I salute you.

You too, sir.

And I salute your shorts.

Have a good day.

Yeah! I'm gonna...

Oh, you know what?
The bus is leaving soon.

- You gotta go.
- I should go. Thank you.

Thank you.

Stop the...

Stop the bus! Hey!

Stop the fucking bus!

He's saying stop the bus.
Stop the bus.

Hold that bus!

Please, please.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry. Thank you.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry. I'm sorry.

I need to talk
to my best friend.

I can't let you guys go
any further.

Bud.

Please.

For the first time in my life,
let me apologize.

I am so, so sorry, man.
I'm shit.

I realized I'm shit.
I'm an asshole.

- Miss, I'm an asshole.
- Okay.

I suck shit
out of assholes.

That's what I am.
I'm lower than that.

And I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry I destroyed
your sister's car.

I'm sorry
I took advantage of you.

And I know you probably
never wanna talk to me

for the rest of your life,

but just know that this trip

has been the adventure
of a lifetime.

And I'm so grateful
I had you by my side.

And you're the best friend
a guy could ask for.

Aw.

So you think you could just

chase a bus down,

bang on the windows,
jump on here,

and just apologize like that
and I just forgive you

and everything's all good?
Huh?

I... I don't know.

You thought
that was gonna work?

I...

Well, guess what.

It did.

That's the best thing
anybody's ever done for me.

Look, man,
you're my best friend, bruh.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

So, look, you wanna still make

this trip to New York,
I'm down.

Don't fuck with me, man.

I'm really vulnerable
right now.

- Are you being serious?
- Forget my sister.

Yes, you are going
to see Maria.

Yes!

New York City,
here we come, baby!

Yes! Yes!

We're going to New York.
Yes! Yes!

Let's go. Let's go.
Can I give you a hug?

Can I give you a hug?
I love you, man.

I don't know you,
but I love you, man.

Let's go.
Take this bus to New York!

No. No.

Get the fuck out.

That was the craziest
shit ever.

Dude, this is awesome!

Wow.

We made it, man.

Damn it. I left Maria's
business card in the car.

- Seriously?
- Damn it.

Do you know
where the galleries are?

- Straight that way.
- That way? Thank you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Chris!
- Shit. I'm sorry.

Excuse me, do you know
where Maria's gallery is?

- I have no idea.
- Maria Li.

She's like, half Chinese.

I have no idea
who that is.

She's really sweet.

She stuck up for me
in high school.

She's probably the hottest
girl in New York City.

You gotta know who she is.

I don't really know...

You're not from here?

I'm about to get
these motherfuckers.

Mmm-mmm.

Hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There it is right there.

That's where your girl at,
brother.

I'm freaking out.

I can't feel my throat

and my hands are disconnected
to my body...

Chris. Chris, hey.
Chris, calm down. Calm down.

Look, you gotta trust
yourself, okay, man?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- You gotta trust yourself.

What you gonna do?
You gonna go in there,

you gonna be yourself,

and just talk
how you always talk,

and she's gonna fall in love
with you, brother.

You got this.

Go get your girl, brother.

Okay, I got this.
Thank you, Bud.

Believe in yourself.

Put some ChapStick on.

I got this. I got this.
I got this. I got this.

Do you have a wristband?

- No. Uh, wristband?
- Yeah.

Maria just invited me
from Florida.

That's crazy.

I don't have
a wristband on you,

or I don't have your name.

- I don't need a wristband.
- You do.

You don't know what I've just
been through to get here.

You can't be stopping me
right now.

You gotta let me in,
please. Please.

- No. Take a walk, sir.
- Please let me in, sir.

No. Take a walk, sir.

Please let me in.
You have to let me in.

- You're not on my list, sir.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Come on. Come on, man!

I think we got off
on the wrong foot.

I just got $2.

- Go that way.
- And, uh...

- And I got some Lincolns.
- No. Put your money away.

- Looks like one, two...
- Pick up your pennies.

...four.

Chill out. Chill out.
Chill out.

The woman I love is in there.

- Do you understand?
- Okay, but chill out.

- It's gonna be all right.
- Have you ever been in love?

- Yeah, I am now.
- Yeah, so you know

- what I'm going through.
- Okay, but listen.

That's not the way you do it.

I sacrificed everything.

My job, my money. I...

I gave this guy the last

- $2.05 I had.
- No.

You need to find another way
to talk to that lady.

I'm telling you, man,
from the bottom of my heart,

I've been waiting,
since I was a kid

to tell her how I feel.

So if you've
ever been in love,

you will let me through
that door.

You letting me in?

Yes! Thank you, man.

Yes! Thank you!

This is amazing, man.
I owe you my life, dude.

Go inside.

Wow.

Hi, you guys.

We just wanna let you know
there's an artist

that's gonna be speaking
at 3:45.

- Okay. Awesome.
- Okay.

So if you're able to stay
until that point,

that would be so great.

Um, thank you guys so much
for coming today.

This is our second group show.

Some of these artists
sell at auction

for millions of dollars,

so we're very excited
to have their work here today.

We really wanna hear
what you guys think about

this particular collection
of artists.

And, of course, Anthony's work
which is unbelievable.

And I don't think
you ever show anywhere.

Okay, some of you guys
can't say. You can't speak.

Because you know
some of my work.

Well, I think it's a...

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Maria. Sorry.
- Oh, my God.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey, Chris.
What are you doing here?

How you doing? I'm sorry.
Do you wanna just talk...

- for a second? Sorry.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, guys. Anthony is...

Okay.

He can tell you
all about his experience.

I'm sorry,
I know you're working.

No. Of course.

This is such a nice surprise.

Uh... Maria, I, um...

I don't quite know the words
to use right now.

Uh...

So I'm just gonna speak
from the heart.

Okay.

Maria, when you walked into
my work the other day...

I felt something special.

And I knew
right then and there

that I would stop at nothing

to be able to see you again.

And, uh...

Trust me,
this trip was not easy.

I went through hell
and high water to get here.

I experienced emotional
and physical traumas

I may never recover from,

but I would do it
a million times over

just to be able to tell you...

Oh. Uh...

Maria Li,
I am crazy about you.

And I want to start a new life
with you.

Oh, Chris. Oh, my God.

That is...

- Thank you...
- Yeah.

...for that.

But no.

No.

That's... That's crazy.

This is just kinda outta
left field, and I'm at work.

Yeah.

We don't really
know each other.

Listen, is it okay
if we're just friends?

- Oh!
- Um...

It's a cop!

Oh, my God.

Motherfucker!

Hey, hey, hey.
Wait, wait, wait!

- You guys stole my Bad Bitch.
- Hey, Trina.

- Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.
- Piece of shit!

Jesus.

Stop! Stop!

I hate you.

Please stop.
Please stop.

Gonna fuck you up,
you dumb bitch.

Where you running to?
Where you running to, hoe?

Fuck!

No, no, no way!
No, no, no!

Please!
Somebody help me!

Somebody, help me.

Hey, hey, hey!
Stop, stop!

You lying, skinny hoe!

Oh, fuck!

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

No. No, no, no.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Oh, fuck!

No, no, no. No, no.

- Oh, fuck!
- Where's Bud?

Wait, wait, wait. Trina.

You destroyed my car,
now I'm gonna destroy you.

You better tell me
where the fuck Bud is.

- Shut the fuck up!
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh, help! Help! Help!

- Dead man.
- Help! Help!

Where the fuck is Bud?

What the fuck
y'all looking at?

Mind your goddamn business!

Oh, my God!
Somebody needs to help him.

I can't stand under him.

Please.
Talk her outta killing me.

No! I'm gonna
let your bitch-ass go.

Help me!
Please! Somebody!

Ma'am! Ma'am!
Please pull him up.

- No. I'mma drop his ass.
- Help me.

The cops won't
get here in time.

What the hell you do to her?

You better scale your ass
back up that wall!

What?

That nigga ain't worth it.

Hey, I'm from where you from.
I'm from where you from.

No, you ain't from
where I'm from!

- I'm from these streets!
- It ain't worth it, baby.

If you was from the street,
you wouldn't be doing that.

- I don't know how to talk.
- Help! Help!

People from the street
don't hang people from roofs.

Hey!

Can somebody else
chime in too and give advice?

Don't let it happen.

I know you got children.
You got family that love you.

- I ain't got no goddamn kids.
- Help!

You got a family
that loves you, though.

My family don't love me.
My family stole my shit.

There's somebody
that loves you.

You better pray
for this nigga,

because I'm about to
drop his ass.

Lord, help us.
Help us right now.

Lord, help us, please.
Jesus, help us.

No, no, no.

Don't, baby. Please.

Put him down!

Bud, is that you?

Yeah. It's me, friend.

Trina, you heard me.
I said put him down!

What? What the fuck
did you just say to me?

You heard me.

Kill me first, Trina.

Bud's my brother.

I don't wanna see him die.

Lord Jesus.

Lord Jesus.

What? You got
some courage today?

You're looking
at a new Bud Malone.

That's right.
This trip made me better!

Bud Malone ain't scared
of shit no more!

Well, you smell like shit!

That may be true.

And for a lot of reasons

I don't feel like
fucking talking about now.

But God damn it,
I'm not scared of you.

Fuck you think
you talking to, huh?

You gonna die today.

Go and say hi to Grandma,
motherfucker.

I'm gonna live!

You've bullied me,
you've picked on me,

and I'm done with it.

You might be saying hi
to Grandma and not me.

- What?
- That's right.

You think
you gonna fuck me up?

I'mma try!

- Really, bitch?
- Really!

- Okay, then.
- Okay, then.

Let's go.

Give me some, little nigga.
I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

You've been acting
like a bitch for years!

You finally stood up
for yourself.

I know that I was hard on you,
growing you up.

You know what I'm saying?

It was hard for me
to grow you.

But that's only because

I didn't want you to be
no punk, man.

Look at you.

It fucking worked.

I guess it did.

Look at me. I'm a tough guy.

- You're a tough guy.
- I stood up to you.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, you stood up to me.

- That's crazy.
- And I forgive you, man.

- Thank you.
- I forgive you.

I didn't think you would.
You know what I mean?

What the hell was that for?

You did steal my car.

Yeah, that's fair.

All right, bro.

I'm proud of you, man.

I'm real proud of you.

I'll catch you
in the wind, nigga.

I was ready to eat.

Hey, Maria.

I realize in hindsight
this was all a little crazy.

And I was bummed out

because I thought
we were soul mates.

But it turns out
that I do have a soul mate.

My best friend, Bud.

I mean, the guy saved my life.

So, anyway,
I mulled it over...

Get the fuck out of here!

Get out!

Look at my gallery!
Look at what you did!

- Assholes!
- Let's go, let's go.

- Get the fuck out of here!
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- Now!
- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah. Okay.
- I'm Bud.

- Get the fuck out!
- Shit. All right.

Oh, God.

It's okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I wanna thank you
for bringing me on this trip.

Bruh, I'm about to do so much.
I'm about to do it big now.

You know what I mean?
I'mma dress better.

Can't keep wearing
these big-ass jeans no more.

Bud, I owe you, man.

No, honestly,
you do so much for me.

It's time I do
something nice for you.

And I think
I figured out a way

to finally make
your dreams come true.

Wow.

I can't believe this, man.
This is great.

My dream finally came true.

Is this gonna work though?

- I think. So far, so good.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do I do? Should I just...

We just gotta have fun.

- Blend in.
- Okay, okay.

And change your voice a bit
if you can.

- Okay.
- Wow, let's do it.

I'm gonna think
white thoughts.

- Think white thoughts.
- Think white thoughts.

Think white thoughts.

Hi.

Uh... I'm going to yoga
and golf later.

Yeah?

And I'm gonna
go see Megyn Kelly,

uh, do a TED Talklater.

- Cool.
- Great.

- How you doing?
- Good. How are you?

I just got my lips done.

I think you look
beautiful tonight.

Aw.

You know
if Dow Jones is here?

Mmm. Ah.

Let's Lady and the Trampit.

I'm looking for a sugar daddy.

Dude, I gotta
hand it to you, man.

White Chicks
totally works in real life.

I think
we found our third link.

- I'm Kitty.
- Kitty?

Meow-meow.
- To Kitty. Meow-meow.

Are you a white chick?

I was penetrated by a gorilla.

Oh!

Isn't this party fun?

They got all different
types of... Fuck!

What the hell, dude?

Mmm-hmm.

Trina, is that you?

- Oh!
- What up?

Trina!

You know, since I'm
on the run and everything,

I figured I might as well
go with this look.

And take it down to Mexico,

and start life all over again
as a white man.

How's it feel so far
being a white man?

Oh, it's cooler
than a motherfucker

being a white man.

I'm living
my best motherfucking life.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.

I got to walk
right in this motherfucker,

didn't nobody stop me
from shit.

Let me grab your pussy.

I mean, I'm sick of this

boring-ass ballroom
dancing bullshit.

- I'll be back.
- Okay.

Anybody tell you
you look like a turtle?

Whatever.

Hey, I need you to leave.

I need you to get
the fuck outta here!

Cut this music off.

Go!

I said
get the fuck off the stage!

This is my party.
All right, come on, bitches.

Let's do this!

Oh, shit.
We gotta do it, man.

I hope
you motherfuckers ready.

Y'all gonna
Make me lose my mind

Up in here, up in here

Y'all gonna make me go all out Up in here, up in here

Y'all gonna make me act a fool Up in here, up in here

Y'all gonna make me
Lose my cool

Up in here, up in here

Go, go, go, go, go.

Here we go, nigga
Nigga, nigga, nigga

Fuck that nigga
Suck my dick, nigga

Nigga

Get off me.

Motherfuckers! Yeah!

Whoo! We did it!

Yo, that shit was disgusting,
but we got it all on camera.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I thought I needed
to help somebody.

You see that box right there?
There's a camera guy in there.

Yeah, but your throw up
is nasty, man.

Yeah, it's gross.

Hey, Adam,
wave to the people, Adam.

Wave to them. Say hi.

- Hell yeah!
- Oh, my God!

You guys know you're wrong
for that, seriously.

Lord have mercy.

Man! Y'all is playing.
This the worst.

Give him that moment.

Hold that for me.

There's a camera right there.

Oh, my God.
I still don't see it.

Clap it shut.
Watch your fingers. Slam it.

What did you think
was up with the vacuum?

I was like, "Oh, shit."

- Here's your...
- I got pranked.

Oh, God.

Scalpel.

Oh, how many fingers
can you fit in there?

I think we gotta
go in the hole.

Get the fuck out.

No, no. You gotta
knot it up and put it in.

I trust you back there.
I do not trust him back there.

Sorry, man. Shit.

Five-second rule, right?

What if I drive like this?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

And action.

Oh! What the fuck?

Who are you?

I'm a plumber.

That was amazing. He's like,
"I'm a plumber."

Oh, shit!

- Who are you?
- What the fuck?

What time is it?

- Yo.
- What time is it?

- What the hell?
- What?

I need my clothes.
I'm late for work.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

What the fuck
is going on right now?

Hey.

Stop! Stop!

All right, Eric,
let's set test the rig.

Squeeze it.

And the safe word
is "popcorn", right?

If somebody attacks me?

Uh, excuse me.
Where's the bathroom?

Oh, God.

I thought that was the urinal.

I'm gonna tell you
somethin' right now.

I don't care where you piss,

but get away from me, okay?

Because I don't wanna
smell your piss.

I'll shower and play
pool with you if you want.

I guess he don't understand.

No, okay, all right.

All right, goose bumps
or whatever.

Popcorn. Popcorn.
Popcorn. Popcorn.

You've got the coolest beard
I've ever seen in my life.

You just look like an artist

that never sells his paintings
and I love it.

You just keep
all that art to yourself.

You don't make a dime,

your girlfriend left
because you don't pay rent.

'Cause you won't sell
any of your pieces.

That's the beard you got.
You look amazing.

That's so specific.

Hey. I'm Chris Carey,
nice to meet you.

- Hi.
- Hey.

A champagne toast
to my best friend, Bud.

To the birthday boy.

What are you doing, man?

- Do you guys wanna hit this?
- I do not. Thank you.

Are you sure?

You're in a movie!

What were you thinking?

I was thinking somebody
was coming after him,

and they was gonna come
after me right away.

I'm like, "Oh, I have to hide
under the table."

I'm just
a typical white chick.

Got the number and the name

of a honky-tonk bar.

Shit. You scared
the shit outta me, dude.

Make sure
it reads as face-fucking.

Yeah.

And then, Adam,
look around to me.

Like whip your head around.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Great.

Right, yeah,
you just, like,

fuck his face while
you're making eye contact.

Like, you're just like,
"Who's next."

You guys are in a movie.

You guys are in a movie.

I had no idea
y'all was shooting a movie.

I ought to beat your butt.
Oh, my God.

Hey, man, you're a hero.

Hey, man, I was just trying
to make sure everything's...

You're a goddamn hero.
You're a goddamn hero.

Thanks for doing
the movie, buddy.

They should've
probably put, like,

a towel over this
when we ain't filming.

It's a buddy film.

Thank you.
Thank you, folks.

Hey!

- Hey, girl!
- Thank you.

You are so good.

- You're an angel.
- I didn't know what to do.

You was doing
a good job.

But y'all just standing there,

y'all weren't even trying
to help or nothing.

Because y'all scared as hell.

Y'all just
standing there like...

- I know.
- That ain't right.

You ain't right.

You was gonna let me
kill this black man.

I always wanted to talk
to her, you know what I...

Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

Oh, shit! What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What happened?

What in the fuck happened?

- What did you do?
- Okay. You're naked, man.

Hey, Craig.

You're selling it, woman.

You're selling it.

That is awesome.

That blew my mind.

They've caught us on film.

Good job, guys.

I just saw this girl
snatch a door off a cop car.

And I was wondering.
I was like, "She's strong."

That's wrong. You better
get my good side too.

Did you think
I was, like...

Did you think I was,
like, schizophrenic?

I thought you were fucked up.

Three...

Four...