Bad Taste (1987) - full transcript

Hello, emergency. What service

did you require, please?

Hello, quick! Anybody!

Just get help!

Where are you calling from, sir?

Kaihoro, phone box.

There was this roaring noise and

a big white light in the sky,

and then these-these invaders

started killing us!

Hold on, sir. I'll connect you with

the department of internal affairs.

No time! They're after me!

I... hello?

Is there anybody there?

What do you think, minister?

Call a full-scale

invasion alert, sir.

I'll phone the forces...

fighters, frigates, footsloggers.

Perhaps that could

all be a bit showy.

I think this is a job forrealmen.

Just stop right there.

Stop.

I think you'd better kill him, barry.

Jeez, he could be minister

of works or something.

Nah.

He's moving too fast.

Stop! This is definitely

your last chance!

That's the story!

I always thought

you were left-handed.

Not bad!

The head shot's the only true stopper.

Jeez!

I hope i'm not the poor bastard

that's gotta clean that up.

Jesus.

Stick all the bits of brain

in a plastic bag, barry.

We'll need them for analysis.

No bloody way, mate. You can come

down here and do that yourself.

You're the gung-ho scientist.

All right.

I'll be down straight after lunch,

but at least take a blood sample.

No need. I'll just

wring my strides out.

Well, at least

we got one live specimen.

Yeah.

Seen anyone else about, barry?

No. The place is completely deserted.

They're probably all dead!

That's at least 75 people.

Jeez.

I just hope we're in time

to save the world.

Well, i just hope

you got it right this time.

No doubt about it, barry.

I've been watching the skies.

And do you know what the skies did?

- They pointed.

- They pointed at this place.

Why can't aliens be friendly?

There's no glowing fingers

on these bastards.

We've got a bunch of extraterrestrial

psychopaths on our hands.

Like a... like a visit from a

planet full of charlie mansons.

They've wiped out

a small town for starters.

It's my guess they'll go on

to something bigger next time.

Christchurch, wellington...

Auckland?

Yeah, well, that wouldn't be so bad.

Well, you'd better contact the others,

derek. They should be in range now.

And you'd better tell them to keep an eye out

for someone who could be heading this way.

Who?

A collector.

There's some appeal on. There's

envelopes stuck on all the doors,

and today's collection day.

Hey, there's something that's

just occurred to me, too, mate.

What's that?

That joker you topped a while back,

he might have friends.

I'd keep me eyes skinned

if i were you.

You needn't worry.

I'm not stupid, thanks.

Come in, frank.

Ozzy, are you there?

Boys, are you there?

Turn it down, ozzy.

Aw, that's elevator music

for headbangers.

Frank, ozzy, are you there?

Yeah, we're here, mate,

but could you use the proper call sign?

There could be people listening.

There's nobody for miles, frank.

Besides, i don't think

whispering's gonna help.

He's got a point there, frank.

What do you mean, nobody for bloody

miles? I thought you were in kaihoro.

I am in kaihoro,

and i was right all along.

They've done the entire town.

- Who's done the town?

- The extraterrestrial lowlifers.

And guess what?

We've caught one of the bastards.

Me and barry caught him loping over the hills

this morning like he owned the bloody place.

Now do you believe me?

Jesus. Look, derek,

just keep him there.

You've got him secured?

Bloody oath!

Right. Now, don't touch him.

We'll be there in 45 minutes. And look,

whatever you do, don't harm him.

No physical violence.

And another thing, derek.

Keep a careful lookout.

There could be more of them about.

- There was, down on the beach!

- Hell. Well, look, don't go near 'em.

Well, it's a little late

for that now, frank.

What?

It wasn't me.

Barry shot his head off.

He had the magnum.

I knew it was

a mistake to issue weapons.

We're a government department,

not a paramilitary unit. Yeah.

The astro-investigation

and defense service.

Wish we'd change that name.

Due to the potentially

dangerous hazards involved...

All right, all right. At least you

managed to convince the minister.

Aren't you interested

in this joker we caught, then?

Of course we are, derek. Right.

Stay where you are, then, and i'll

give you an eyewitness description...

of this intergalactic wanker.

Well, i would describe him...

as sort of human-shaped.

He's got jeans and a blue shirt on.

Christ.

He's nabbed a bloody farmer.

Yeah, but there's something

strange about him, though.

Like he's got a screw loose

or something.

It is a bloody farmer.

Yeah, derek strikes again.

This isn't going to be another false alarm

like the manners street invasion alert, is it?

Well, how do you explain the disappearance

of an entire township then, frank?

The kiwi jonestown.

Of course. That's it.

Drinking beer laced with cyanide

from little polystyrene cups.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, derek,

just do me one favor.

What? Try not to make him

extinct before we get there. Out.

Christ, what a dork.

How the hell did he get in this team?

Well, this has buggered your

plans for conquering the universe,

my friend, the astro-bastard,

time for talkies.

By the time my colleagues get here,

i want to have you babbling in

some extraterrestrial language.

Now, in case you don't want

to do what you're told,

i could always encourage you

by hammering this cold steel...

into your fibula.

It'll sure poke a nasty hole

in your marrow, mate.

We'll get the old ball rolling,

now, what are you dirty "hooers"

doing on my planet?

Bugger it!

Well, looks as if it's time

for the old count of ten.

One.

Two.

Three.

Six.

Seven, eight.

Nine.

Ten.

Derek!

Derek!

Derek!

- Come in, derek!

- What?

Aw, jeez.

I should've expected that.

Derek!

All right!

Quickly, derek!

Come on!

Look, jeez, barry,

you've got awful timing. What?

Just listen to me.

You've gotta get out of there fast!

Five of those blue-shirted

freaks are coming up!

They heard their mate screaming.

Get out of there fast, derek!

I can't do that.

I'm a derek.

Dereks don't run.

Well, get up a tree or something.

Yeah, look, just don't worry.

I've taken precautions.

Shit.

Shit!

Eat lead, sucker!

Mommy!

I think this has gone a

little bit over the top, ozzy.

Nah, this'll do the trick.

Nobody'll be coming up this road.

But the nearest nuclear

reactor's in america.

Yeah, but it could've been an explosion

on one of those springbok warships.

Frank! Ozzy!

Frank, ozzy, come in!

Yeah, what is it, barry? Jeez, you guys!

We're in trouble this time.

It's really hit the fan.

Derek's wiped out

five of those alien jokers.

The place is like a bloody abattoir.

- Well, where's derek now?

- Well...

He's-he's turned his toes up, guys.

Took a dive off the bloody cliff.

He's popped his rivets.

Poor derek.

Who's gonna look after

his aviary now?

Yeah. Birds were the only

thing he could relate to.

All right, we'll be there

in about 15 minutes.

No, i think it'll be best

if you stay where you are.

Just get the car off the road

until i call you back.

I'm gonna head off in the direction

that alien joker was going...

when me and derek

caught him this morning.

He must've been going somewhere.

They've probably got a base

up there or something.

They don't need a base. They could just

beam themselves down from their spaceship.

Maybe they haven't seen

star trek, ozzy.

Come on.

Come on!

Shit!

Bye-bye.

That's my overtime up to date.

Here, do you want to do yours?

Hey, frank.

Yeah, what is it, barry?

Where exactly are you two?

About five miles from kaihoro.

Yeah, well, just stay put.

I think i might have spotted something,

and i'm moving in closer.

Finished, oz?

Shit!

Y-your phone.

Could i use your phone?

I was just...

I was...

Aah!

We've got trouble.

Good one!

Right. We're on our way.

I suppose you're wondering

why you're soaking...

in reg's 11 secret herbs and spices.

Tomorrow, we're having you for lunch.

You're the exotic

new taste sensation.

Human flesh, is it?

You are going to be

the first bit of meat...

that we've had a chance to get

our teeth into since we arrived.

So we're going to treat ourselves to

a feast, with you as the main course.

Quite an honor, really.

We'd better leave

so he can get some sleep.

I'll have the head, reg.

I want to suck his brains out.

We oughta go back to the office,

get reinforcements.

That'll take a day.

And the rest.

Take two days to do

the bloody paperwork.

Yeah, and by then that

collector bloke could be dead.

If he's not already.

Look, we'll go in.

After midnight.

Well, guess i'll have to

issue a gun to ozzy.

Yeah, but don't forget

about his personality disorder.

Open season on e.T.S, frank?

Remember, ozzy, get in quietly,

get out quietly.

Well, i certainly hope

that is the case.

Sorry, oz.

We won't be needing that.

Bloody barry!

Bastard!

What are we gonna do

if we're spotted, frank?

Well, i guess we shoot the bastards.

My turn for the magnum.

I just wish we didn't have

to wear all this crap.

Yeah, but you know

what the rules are.

When we work undercover,

we have to remain faceless.

I get it. Just in case we

kill a lot of innocent people.

Don't you forget, oz.

We're only authorized to use violence...

when it is a threat

to the planet earth.

- And the moon.

- Yeah, and the moon.

There you go, oz.

Put this stuff on.

We ought to have a look around.

If these are aliens, they might have parked

their spaceship somewhere around here.

They might have come

in a telephone box.

Let's just get that guy out.

Then we'll try and contact base and

give them the code words for invasion.

"The bastards have landed."

"The bastards have landed."

I'll be there in a moment.

Welcome, my friends.

The job is almost done.

We take off for home tomorrow.

I'm sure you'll be pleased to

be leaving this shitty planet.

In the meantime, i must impress

upon you the importance...

or remaining in human form,

no matter how awkward, uncomfortable

and ugly it makes you feel.

We are so close to success

that we must take no chances.

Right.

Looks pretty quiet.

- Probably all gone to bed.

- Jeez, i hope not.

Right. Synchronize watches.

Check.

Check.

Let's go.

We're on triple time.

Psst!

The sad news is that we will

be heading for nalic nod...

with six of our co-workers

in a state of permanent death.

They died today,

murdered by some real arseholes.

Robert escaped their clutches

and reported back to me.

My god!

What the...

My god! The blood!

Ooh!

Shit! Somebody

could get killed in here.

Vacuum the floors, clean the windows,

and all the boxes must be loaded into

the freezer first thing in the morning.

We've been wasting our time

unless we can present samples...

to the nalic nod fast food authority.

Isn't it amazing how you can

fit a whole town of humans...

into a few cardboard boxes

if you slice off the fat?

It's the value of keeping your

knife sharp and your mind clean.

Jesus, guys!

Derek was right!

This is what's left

of the people from kaihoro.

They're in those boxes!

Get him, barry!

For god's sake, guys, keep it quiet!

Shut him up, oz!

I've just cleaned that bit!

- That's gross.

- Jeez! They come to bits easy.

Get rid of it.

The old magic's still there.

What are you doing, frank?

I'm gonna go in there and find

out what the hell's going on.

Here.

He was carrying this.

Now, stay here.

The past week has been difficult,

but i would like to say

how proud i am of you all.

The manner in which you conducted a

very tricky slaughter operation...

has been a real credit

to you and indeed...

to the whole crumb's crunchy

delights organization.

Your paychecks will reflect the gratitude

of the company, i can assure you.

I don't think we'll have

any more trouble.

However,

we will be handing these around later.

I am certain that when

the homo sapien taste...

takes the galaxy by storm,

as it will,

crumb's crunchy delights

will be back at the top.

Mcyaballow's fried moonrat

won't know what hit them.

All the livestock we need

are right here.

Four billion of them!

Right, robert.

Once the fast food authority...

have checked the samples and

issued the mass slaughter permit,

this grotty little planet will

tremble under the full might...

of the lord crumb restaurant chain!

Within a year, the giant mincer

will descend from the sky,

the sun reflecting

from its silver bits,

and no army on earth will be able

to stop the noddy-burger machine!

I see the gruel is ready.

Exquisite bouquet, robert.

Aren't i lucky?

I got a chunky bit!

Here you are, boys.

We'll bring out a whole line...

of homo sapien,

low-calorie delicacies.

Juicy, raw rump,

brains soaked in lemon juice,

spinal fluid sauce,

assorted organ stew,

sapien burgers,

and chewy homo nuggets.

Just before we leave tomorrow,

we will have a little party

dinner with fresh, local meat.

It's, my show of appreciation...

to you all.

Christ! You'll never believe

what i just had to do.

Did you have to drink some chuck?

Ew!

Come on.

Let's find that guy and get out of here.

Good night, boys.

Good night, reg.

Robert, what a lovely little hottie.

You okay?

Thanks.

Get dressed. Door.

Well, at least we got in quietly.

Stay here.

Up here!

- Got him!

- Good one!

Get the bastards!

There's more outside!

Split up!

Send the boy up here!

Come on.

How many did you see?

About eight or nine.

Nah. There's heaps more.

That's one less.

Ever been in a gun battle before? No.

Me neither, but this one's

going to be a beaut, Yeah.

Go for it!

Cover the back!

Got ya!

Tsk.

Come on.

Look out!

Aah!

I bet that cleared his sinuses.

That's another beer you owe me, oz.

Let's go that way.

- You reckon?

- Too right.

Bastard!

Fu...

Bastard!

Go!

I'll cover you!

Where the hell's barry?

Sod it!

Aah!

Hah!

Shit!

Jeez!

The gun, robert!

Come on, barry.

Stop farting around.

- Let's get out of here.

- What the hell is that?

Well, it sounds to me like...

shut up, codpiece-face!

You three, kill them!

The rest of you get the bodies

on board the ship.

Jeez, they're real dickheads.

Derek was right all along.

Get 'em, oz!

Get down!

Bloody hell!

Come on, baby!

Keen jogger, mate.

Should have bought a holden, frank.

- What's that?

- You go on.

I'm gonna go back

and stop those bastards.

We're supposed to be

going for help. You go!

Besides, you're not going to be

back in time to stop them.

Come on.

Good one!

That was my car!

Look, just go to the nearest

phone and call the head office.

Hi. My name's giles copeland.

Yeah, i'm barry.

Let's go.

That's the end of those

weekend cowboys.

Let's go home.

Jesus, oz!

What are you doing?

That's an historical homestead.

Yeah, i know. And i've got

another one here too.

Wankers.

For god's sake, oz,

put that thing down.

Let's get in there

and hit the leader.

Hey, wait for me!

You bastard!

Holy shit!

Okay.

Quit playing with them.

Good one!

- Derek!

- Bastard!

Jesus!

He's gone ape-shit!

- Bastard!

- Let's get the hell out of here!

Aah!

Get the launcher!

Blast the bastard!

Ozzy!

Frank!

Where the hell are you going?

Come here!

- Holy...

- Shit!

Derek!

Jeez, oz.

Here you go, mate.

- I don't smoke.

- Ooh.

Bastards!

Hello?

Are you there?

Mommy!

Very well, really.

But then these pricks tried to

take us on, but we soon fixed them.

We lost all our scummy third-class...

laborers, but i've got

some great samples for you,

and i'll be home in 20 minutes.

Hold the line.

Shit!

Hah!

Suck my spinning steel, shithead!

I'm born again.

I'm coming to get you bastards.

We've got to win this time we will

we've got a good team

this time, unite

we'll be as one

my private army will never run

we've got the reason to believe

we've got the power

to succeed

but the minute you let me down

it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth

we're only human we're only boys

we're only dispensable toys

we've got the reason to believe

we've got the power to succeed

but the minute you let me down

it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth

We've got the reason to believe

we've got the power to succeed

but the minute you let me down

it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth

we've got the reason to believe

we've got the power to succeed

but the minute you let me down

it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth

bad taste

bad taste