Bad Santa 2 (2016) - full transcript

Fueled by cheap whiskey, greed and hatred, Willie teams up once again with his angry little sidekick, Marcus, to knock off a Chicago charity on Christmas Eve.

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♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Well, it's Christmas time,
pretty baby ♪

♪ And the snow is falling on the ground ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Well, it's Christmas time,
pretty baby ♪

♪ And the snow is on the ground ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Well, you be a real good little girl ♪

♪ Santa Claus is back in town ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Got no sleigh with reindeer
No sack on my back ♪

♪ You're gonna see me comin '
In a big black Cadillac ♪

♪ Whoa, it's Christmas time,
pretty baby ♪

♪ And the snow is falling on the ground ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Well, you be a real good little baby
Santa Claus is back in town ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

What the fuck?

- (yells in foreign language)
- (arguing, indistinctly)

♪ Hang up your pretty stockings
And turn off the light ♪

- (speaks in foreign language)
- (blabbers)

♪ Down your chimney tonight
Ooh ♪

You think I want this piece of shit?
Fuck you!

♪ And the snow is falling on the ground ♪

- ♪ Well, you be a real good little baby ♪
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Get away!
- Fuck you!

(head valet) Horny drunk!

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

(Willie) Let's just say my whole life

has been one long fucking
miserable nightmare most of the time.

And pure shit on a good day.

(whispers) Goddamn it.

(Willie) Yeah, I guess there have been
a few dull bright spots here and there.

(whispers) Fuck it.

Like a piece of ass
who didn't look me in the eye

or wanna show me pictures
of her fucking vacation.

Or a good drunk
when I didn't choke on my own vomit.

- Ah!
- I even almost had a friend once.

Sure, he was a mouth-breathing,
snot dripping 8-year-old

who couldn't find his fat ass
with both hands,

but he was clueless enough to think

I wasn't the worthless piece of shit
everybody else thinks I am.

Including me.

I also found what was the closest thing
I ever had to an actual girlfriend.

She liked the job I had at the time,
especially while I was in uniform.

Sounds like a happy ending, don't it?

- But, you see...
- (unzips pants) can only puke in somebody's lap
so many times

before the romance takes a shit.

And the kid,
he still creeps around every now and then

and I still chase him off

For his own good.

So you see, happy endings are bullshit.

Actually, there aren't such things
as endings at all,

because when some shit gets over with,

some other whole thing starts
that sucks ass.

Merry fucking Christmas.


(remote control thuds)

♪ Oh, there's no place like home
For the holidays ♪

♪ 'Cause no matter
how far away you roam ♪

♪ When you pine for the sunshine
Of a friendly gaze ♪

♪ For the holidays
You can't beat home sweet home ♪

♪ I met a man who lives in Tennessee ♪

♪ And he was headin' for Pennsylvania ♪

♪ And some homemade pumpkin pie ♪

♪ From Pennsylvania folks are trav'ling ♪

♪ Down to Dixie's sunny shore ♪

- ♪ From Atlantic to Pacific ♪
- (gulps)

♪ Gee, the traffic is terrific ♪

Goddamn it.

♪ Oh, there's no place like home
For the holidays ♪

♪ For the holidays ♪

♪ You can't beat home sweet home ♪

(sighs deeply)

- (grunts, gags)
- (knocking on door)

- (Thurman) Willie?
- (knocks on door)

- Willie? It's me, Thurman.
- (Willie gagging)

Willie, what are you doing?
Did you get yourself stuck up there?

- (grunts)
- (groans)

Okay, I'll go. But this package
came to my house for you, Willie.

There's a lot of money in it.
And a phone.

And a note.

What? Chair!

- Chair?
- Chair!


Give me the goddamn chair.

- Willie, you fell.
- (Willie groans)

Goddamn. Are you
a complete fucking retard?

No. The Hungry Hoagies people tested me.
I'm top of the spectrum.

So they made me
a full-time sandwich consultant.

- Well, I'm glad you followed your passion.
- What's that smell?

Is the oven on?
Are you making Hot Pockets?

We do hot sandwiches
at Hungry Hoagies now.

But I always burn my hand
getting them out of oven.

Darlene says I should put butter
on my hand, but that's stupid.

We only put butter on food.
Hand isn't food.

♪ Merry Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas everywhere ♪

♪ Merry Merry Christmas ♪

I know we left on bad terms.

But you gotta understand,
it was only business.

We were partners.

And I broke that sacred bond.
It's not an excuse.

But Lois got all up in my kitchen.

Crazy bitch had me all turned around
with her magical Laotian pussy.

- Don't blame it on the snapper.
- I was pussy-blind. I'm ashamed.

You tried to murder me, you little prick.
Remember that?

And not with some
little nubbin-dick gun,

but with adult
man-sized bullets.

- And now I'm here to make it up to you.
- Why are you even out of the joint anyway?

Some pity case
on account of you're a genetic defect?

You know, they used to
sterilize guys like you.

Keep the world from becoming
some Negro Land of Oz.

Shut the fuck up!
Early release. Overcrowding.

Well, it must've been packed to the gills

if they couldn't cram
your three-foot ass in there.

We got a job, Willie. That two grand
is just to show I'm serious.

Can you still crack a safe?

Or did you get carpal tunnel
from jacking off?

- I can crack just fine, thanks.
- I'm talking millions this time.

- Where at?
- Chi-Town.

I thought you were all done
with the gooks.

Chicago, you racist moron fuck!

I got an associate out there
who has got this thing all lined up.

- What associate?
- I'm not at liberty to disclose just yet.

But they know your work.

And they want to bring us in and put us up
in some fine-ass metropolitan digs

and finance the whole operation.

You're outta your fucking skull.

What are you gonna do?
Try and kill yourself again?

That's none of your
goddamn business what I do.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

Or I won't let it hit me in the ass.
Whatever the fuck it is.

Did you
even score once while I was away?

I'm talking two mil here.

That's a lot of fat-ass bitches
and whiskey.

Fuck you.

Why do you have to go so soon?
We just got back together.

Cut that shit out.
We're not back together.

Guess you don't know what today is.

(sighs) I don't even know
what fucking year it is, kid.

It's my birthday.

- Today is your fucking birthday?
- Uh-huh.

I'm 21 . Officially a man.

Goddamn. You're 21 already.
That's creepy.

- Are you still gonna pop my cherry?
- Am I gonna what?

No! Fuck no!

But you said that when I was 21
that you'd pop my cherry.

I said I'd get it done by somebody else.

Besides that, I'm a fucking guy.
You didn't turn funny, did you?

Am I funny?

So you haven't done it with anybody yet.

Not a man or a woman
or an animal or anything.

No, I waited for you.

- But surely, you jerked off or...
- You mean masturbate, don't you?

Well, if you wanna be scientific,
yeah, I guess so.

My friend Ronnie says,

it's when you play with your wiener
and think about your mother.

I did it once, but it felt weird.

She's in heaven with God,
you know. Watching me.

(car honking)

Okay, so here's how it's gonna go down.
He's already asked me where his cherry is.

So you could tell him
to put his dick in your purse

and he wouldn't know
any fucking difference.

It's gonna be the easiest 20 bucks
you ever made.

Twenty bucks? (scoffs)

You must be high
on some strong shit, Willie.

A hundred. Or I'm gonna carry my ass
outta this old piece of a room right now.

All right.
Fifty, or I'll just go get your mother.


All right.

And nothing up my ass.
You done took all that, Willie.

(softly) Okay.

Well, let's get to it.
I gotta pick up my grandson from ballet.

- Can I fix you a sandwich?
- (chuckles) No.

- I got your sandwich, baby.
- Willie, I made you a sandwich.

I ain't sticking around.
Just give it to Opal after.

Now, listen, here's how it works.

She's gonna pull her rig off.
And she's gonna get on all fours.

Now, you stand behind her
and drop your rig.

Then, you're gonna see something that
looks like some kind of Japanese food.

It ain't, so don't eat it.
That's the bulls-eye.

Then you just start tugging
on your little soldier.

Wait till he gets to attention,
then poke him in there.

Keep poking it in there till he spits up.

(Willie) You're gonna need a raincoat.

She'll have one,
so don't worry about that.

As soon as you're done,
run to the bathroom, wash your crotch.

That way, you don't wake up wondering
why you got oatmeal in your carpet.

Breathe through your mouth
so that you don't puke.

Shouldn't be a problem for you.
You got it?

- (whispers) You got 60 bucks?
- No.

- What you got?
- I have $20.

Keep it down.

- (whispers) I have 20.
- Give it to her after.

(car honking)

- Later, Opal.
- Mm-hmm.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Get a bite of this pumpernickel bread.

Damn it, Willie. Hurry up!
We're gonna miss our train.

You see me walking backwards, asshole?
I'm coming.

(Opal) Kid, get over here
and take your pants off.

(Thurman) No!

(door closes)

- Ah, fuck.
- (engine accelerates)

♪ Sleigh bells ring
Are you listening? ♪

♪ In the lane snow is glistening ♪

♪ A beautiful sight
We're happy tonight ♪

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪

♪ Gone away is the bluebird
In his place is a new bird ♪

Here's your ID.

- "Randall Cook"?
- What the fuck wrong with that?

Randall sounds Irish.
I want something whiter.

I'm Davis, you're Cook.
End of fucking story.

You got one job this time. Open a safe.

Till then, just keep your drunken
deviant fucking mouth shut.

You know what you need?
You need some pussy.

I'll see if I can find you
a cat somewhere.

Put that shit away.

(Willie) "Giving City Foundation.

Bringing food and shelter
to those in need."

Hold the fucking phone.

I traveled all the way across the country
to rob a goddamn charity?

Why? You got a problem with that?

Yeah, you damn right
I got a problem with it.

No way these assholes
have 2 million bucks.

Will you keep it down, man. Moron.

(softly) I don't know.

("Joy to the World" playing)

- I see they made you some chairs already.
- Fuck you.

He's Cook. I'm Davis.
We're here for the orientation.

Empty your pockets.
Place any metal items in the tray.


- (sloshes)
- What's that?

- Cough medicine.
- Let me see that.

(guard sniffs)

That's a level three contraband.
I'm gonna have to compensate that.

The fuck you are.

All right, big shot.
You can stay out here with your GD flask.

- We'll get it on the way out.
- Gina!

(guard) Show these boys to the line-up.
They're late.

Meeting started ten minutes ago.

But I think I can sneak you guys in.
Come on.

("Joy to the World" playing)

- Hey, Diane! I got two more.
- Come on in, fellas.

- Goddamn.
- (Marcus) That's Diane Hastings.

She and her husband run the joint.

(Diane) So like I was saying,
finish filling out these forms

and you can drop them off
at the front desk, please.

And then, you can go to the common room
and pick up your uniforms.

I bet that pussy got lips
like an orangutan.

- Excuse me, Mr...
- Um, Cook. Randall Cook.

- What's up?
- Have you been drinking?

Uh, I don't know. Some vodka...

Because we don't allow alcohol
or drugs of any kind at Giving City.

Why's that?

You may not be aware of this, Mr. Cook,
but we're a charity.

When you walk out those doors,
you're representing us.

- So please try and make us look good.
- Oh, we'll make you look great.

- (Marcus) Promise.
- Yeah.

(Willie) Mmm.

A hard-on?

(Marcus) You sick fuck.

I'm the one that's been in prison
for ten years.

It's just a semi.
Don't get all bent out of shape.

Shut the fuck up.

Ho, ho, ho. What's up, Santas?

Hey, don't forget to remind people,

if they don't have cash,
they can always text in their donation.

Give me some. Yeah.

Hey, Di. Is it the midget
that's fully proportional?

- Or is it the dwarf?
- (Diane whispers) Regent.

- What?
- You can't say that word.

Hey, I'm gonna be home
late again tonight.

End-of-the-year accounting stuff. (scoffs)

See you, babe.

(woman) Thank you
for helping us out again.

Goddamn it.

Sir? This way, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
Don't be touching me.

- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, whatever.

Lying little fuck.

You didn't tell me I'd have to get
in the fucking suit again.

I thought it would be a bonus.
And I just wanna remind you of something.

It's Christmas.
A time for forgiveness. For family.

I'm gonna remind you to fuck yourself.

Ronald Davis.
I was told you have a suit to fit me.

Oh, yes. I have it right here.

No. I need a Santa suit.
This is an elf suit.

I'm supposed to be a Santa.

Oh, sorry about the confusion.
That's all we have in your size.

Uh, I do have a gingerbread man costume
in a child's large, if you prefer.

I guess there is a God.

(woman) Step right up. Don't be shy.

Shitstick! What's it been?
Fifteen years? Twen...

Well, one thing hasn't changed.
You still hit like your fucking father.

Fucking associate. No goddamn way.


Not working with that poison bitch.
Never again.

You tricked me, you little shithole!

You know fucking well you did.

But I thought your dad
was the one you hated.

I hate him more than anything
in the goddamn world! Except her.

(siren wailing)

(Marcus) Willie, stop! Willie!

Okay, shitstick, just give me back
the money for the train ticket,

then we're square.

Or you could do your dumb-ass self a favor,
at least hear me out before you quit.

(Sunny) Boy, you been selling
your blood for booze?

You look like a fucking albino scarecrow.

Anyway, still good to see you.

Uh, I can't say I feel the same.

Goddamn, what a shit hole.

- You conned me, you little prick.
- (Marcus) Fuck you!

Make yourselves at home.
Bedroom's mine.

That sofa folds out,
so you guys can fight over that.

I got chicken feet in the fridge.

- So that's what smells like nut sack.
- Boy, have a beer.

- I even got minis for the midget.
- Don't you ever fucking call me that.

Hey, listen, little man,
I don't speak politically correct,

so if you got a problem with that,
you take it up with the Lollipop Guild.

Shut the hell up!
Just break it down for him, Sunny.

(Sunny) I'll break it down, all right.

Giving City is a charity
at 98 cents every dollar

goes to this A-hole at the top.

Regent Hastings.

He takes in tens of thousands
in donations,

and he squirrels them away
in an offshore account.

- And how are you supposed to get it?
- You mean, how are we supposed to get it?

These little buckets here,
they're filled with cash,

up to the brim, every day.

And then at night, they store that cash
in the safe in Regent's office.

And that's our target. Right here.

Christmas Eve,
they have a big charity concert.

So while the kids and volunteers
are all singing,

the money's just sitting there,
waiting for an armored transfer.

That's our take window.
Last year, the haul was almost 2 mil.

- And how do you know all this shit?
- Because I work there, dumb-ass.

It's a part of my release from the joint.
I've been there 3 months.

Just did a little digging,
a little Googling,

a dry hand job to Isaac
in Accounting. Boom.

The concert's in five days.

Meantime, we wear the suit,
hit the pavement,

we ring the bell,
just like the rest of the volunteers.

(Willie) All right.

Well, it looks to me like you jackals
already got the whole job figured out.

What do you need me for?
You can crack a fucking safe.

Well, I'd like to say
it's because I've missed you, my angel.

But I got a touch of the Parkinson's
and my hearing ain't what it used to be,

so I'm gonna need you on the safe.


And when do you pull your little
Roy Rogers pistol out on me again?

I said I was sorry.
You gotta let that shit go, Willie!

No, I think I'll hang on to it.

(Sunny) Oh, Christ.

If I cut ties with every numbnut
who tried to shoot me,

I never would've gotten pregnant with you.

(Sunny) Come on, boy.
Be just like old times.

- Old times?
- Mm-hmm.

You mean a living fucking nightmare?
Why didn't you say so? I'm in.

You gotta be shitting me.
Good luck with the shakes.

Willie, come on.
Just give it a chance. (sighs)

(door closes)

(gate creaks)

What, you don't trust your mother?

Yeah, I trust her
about as far as I can throw you.

And I trust you
about as far as I can throw her.

Come on, Willie, I need this.

And I know your sorry ass does too.
Look at you, man.


Okay, if you want me in on this,
it's you and me against her.

You got it?

She don't get a fucking nickel
of what's in that safe. Get me?

- We'll cut her out after the grab.
- Damn right.

(door closes)

I knew you couldn't stay away.
You always were your mama's boy.

You just pipe down
about the family stuff, okay?

I'm in this for the dough, period.
You get me?

Well, it's starting to feel
like Christmas.

(bell ringing)

Spare some change.

Think about somebody
besides your fucking selves.

We gotta get eyes on that safe.
Need to know the make.

Now you're asking
the right questions, shitstick.

The trash chute's the best way in.

I'm gonna need a hand
getting into position.

Recon. Good. We'll go tonight.

Look at those cheeks!


That's the ugliest fucking baby
on the planet.

- I guess the abortion didn't take.
- (chuckles)

Well, bless your heart.
Cheap little fucker.

Fucking dimes? Are you shitting me?

- This ain't no strip joint.
- What a fucking Sokes family.

(Marcus) This is what happens
when you screw your cousins.

I taught this muskrat everything he knows.

- Well, you don't know shit, then, do you?
- Hey, listen, before we had midget...

Excuse me... little people, we had Willie.

He was my original elf.
Remember those times, Willie?

- There ain't enough booze to forget it.
- (chuckles)

Well, he'd get panic attacks.
It was embarrassing.

I had to make him stay outside
when I was turning a trick or bowling.

Wait a fucking minute,
you were embarrassed?

Isn't that kind of like the pot
calling the other cot a fuck kettle,

- or whatever it was?
- What the fuck you say?

(laughs) He's home-schooled.

(Sunny laughing)

I need a refill.

- And another fucking corner.
- Stop it, Willie.

What? We're gonna steal this shit
any fucking way. Who cares?

But if we get fired,
we got no access to the building.

And if we got no access to the building,
we got no access to the safe.

And if we got no access to the safe,

there's no reason for me to be standing
out here, freezing my fucking nuts off.

You mean your nuts
haven't been scraped off

because they're so low
to the ground already?

You know every time you're passed out,

I lay them on your forehead
and take a picture of it.

I got a whole Instagram of that shit
of me tea-bagging you.

Four thousand followers and counting,
motherfucker. Ha-ha!

- (Sunny laughs)
- (bell rings)

Well, knock yourselves out.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Aw, come on,
we're having family time here.

He's always been too goddamn soft.
Probably because he was born early.

Hell, I didn't even know
I'd given birth until I tripped over him.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.
- Hi, Willie.

Kid, how'd you get my number?

(Thurman) The cherry pop lady
gave it to me.

Oh, Jesus.

I cleaned your apartment, Willie.
And I fed your insects.

They're getting really big.

(Thurman) Do you want me to get you
a Christmas tree?

- What? Why would I want a tree?
- So we can spend Christmas together.

(Willie over phone)
I'm in fucking Chicago, kid.

So you're not coming back for Christmas?

- No, I'm not coming home for Christmas.
- Chicago's in the Midwest, Willie.

They have Hungry Hoagies there too.

Well, good.
I'll tell them you said hello, okay?

Except I don't know anyone
at that Hungry Hoagies.

All right, listen, you gotta quit
fucking calling me, okay?

- You're burning my minutes.
- But what if it's an emergency?

Fine! If it's an emergency,
call me, all right?

Otherwise, leave me the fuck alone, okay?

Okay. I'll only call if it's an emergency.

- Bye.
- (phone snaps)

(Andy Williams' "It's the Most Beautiful
Time of the Year" playing)

♪ It's the most wonderful time
of the year ♪

(Willie) Okay, feed the kids.
Come on. Give it up.

You've seen them babies with beer bellies.

Ho, ho! Come on, you got Jesus
and the lambikins watching over you,

checking their list twice.

Here you go, lady,
how about a little money?

You know what,
you'd better hope the orphans don't riot.

They'll eat your fat ass
right off the bat.

You know, a lot of these kids
don't got any arms and legs and shit.

You're lucky. See, ma'am?
Yours got all their parts.

- (woman) There you go.
- There you go. Thank you. See you later.

- Damn. Mama ain't bad.
- (Jolly Santa) Whoa!

Whoa-ho-ho! My spot.

You are standing on my spot.

Really? That's funny, I don't see
your fucking name on it anywhere.

Well, in fairness,
I did leave it unattended,

but that's only because
I had to run off to the little boys' room.

What are you,
a fucking game show host or something?

- Dial it back a notch.
- But now I am back.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
- (bell rings)

'Tis the season of giving!

And if you don't have cash,
you can always text XMAS 999...

Bullshit. No fucking way.
Fucking cash only.

- Ten dollars or more.
- Okay.

- Hundreds are better. What?
- (speaks indistinctly)

I am going to have to ask you
to watch your language

when you're representing the suit.

And I'm going to have to ask you
to suck my fucking dick.

I'm warning you.

Nothing and no one is getting in the way
of me spreading my joy!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

You know what,
I think you're some kind of pervert

and you're afraid I'm muscling in
on your fucking fondle territory.

- That's what I think.
- I see what's going on here. Yes, I see.

- You are hurting inside.
- Is that right?

And there's only one thing
that can change that.

- Yeah? What's that?
- A hug.

- Are you out of your goddamn mind?
- A hug from Santa!

No, I don't need
no fucking hug from Santa.

- Let go of me, motherfucker.
- Melt all that stress away!

Would you cool it, pal?

You're scaring all the kids away.
You know what I mean?

- You are a fucking pedophile!
- (grunts)


- Let go of me.
- (Jolly Santa) Aw!

- (thuds)
- (Willie) Fuck!

- (Jolly Santa) Ooh!
- Fucking asshole!

- Fucking shit.
- (grunts)

Fucking asshole.

This guy's a pedophiliac, here,
and he's after all your kids.

- You better get out of here.
- (siren wailing)

- You fucking perverted fucking asshole!
- (gasping)

(Willie) What the fuck?
Hang on a second.

He's the fucking kid diddler, not me.
I'm a hero!


- Sure you won't die up there?
- I've done smaller spaces, trust me.

Well, if you don't make it, son,
I got a cigar box, make a nice casket.

Who you calling "son"?

Well, I'm proud to say that my pussy
is color-blind, so you never know.

- (bangs)
- Oh!

Whoa! You go, little sperm.
Get up in there.

Well, you don't see
something like that every day.


- (exhales)
- (bottles clinking)

Ow! Bottles! Recycle that shit!

Oh! What the fuck is tha... Oh, shit! No!


I always wanted to fuck me a Santa.

Well, I always wanted to shit
on a tattooed dick

so we're perfect for each other.

- Cook, let's go.
- See you in my dreams, chief.

(Diane) Thank you. (sighs)

You're not the first volunteer
to go off the rails.

Lucky for you, Giving City
has a high standing in the community,

so you won't get charged.

You can turn in your suit
when you clean yourself up.

Now, hang on a second. You're firing me?

I rooted out a pervert.

You should be throwing me
a fucking parade.

And we're very grateful.
But you reek of whiskey.

You know the rules
and you're flouting them.


I never sucked jizz out of nobody's ass.
I mean, with a straw.

I believe that's felching.

(Diane) Not that I would know.

Uh, happy holidays, Mr. Cook.
Consider your freedom a gift from me.

Well, hang on a second. Hang on!
I only had one drink.

And that was just to keep warm out there.
I'm freezing my nuts off.

And if we're being honest here,
you, you guys should be supplying us

with some kind of electric underwear
or some shit.

Oh, well, if we're being honest,
I don't like being lied to.

- Please. I need this.
- Why do you care so much?

(scoffs) Why do I care? Why do I care.

(softly) I'll tell you why I care.
Because the world's a fucking shit hole.

But when I put this suit on,
I feel like...

Well, I feel like General MacArthur
must have felt when he put his uniform on

and went and killed all them Filipinos.

Look, I, I put up with
a lot of shit from kids...

(stammers) For the kids.
I won't piss on the suit. I really won't.

I mean, give a broke-dick
motherfucker a chance, will you?

Fine. I'll give you a second chance.
If you give me a chance to help you.

All right.


How we looking, Alice?

Well, according to this report,

Giving City's gonna lose
a record amount of money this year.

Ugh, every time you say that,
my dick gets so hard.

- Okay.
- Hey, why don't we just do it right now.

- Come on.
- No.

(Regent) I'll up your commission
to five percent.

(Alice) Make it ten, and I'll let you do
that thing with my shoe.

Both shoes. And you have to watch.



- (man) You can't smoke here, sir.
- (Willie) So call the fucking law.

And while they're rolling
their fat asses down here,

I'll be smoking like an old Buick,
all right?

Arrested? Christ! William.

- Not arrested. I was detained.
- Yeah. Shot of gin.

What were you thinking?
You could have fucked this whole thing up.

- I handled it.
- Mmm.

Told her I'd go to an AA meeting with her.

(scoffs) Don't buy their shit, William.
No such thing as an alcoholic.

Just a sign of a weak liver.

(sighs) I said I fucking handled it.
What are you, deaf?

Well, you talk like you have a cock
in your mouth, shitstick.

(Sunny laughs)

Hey, you know why we call him "shitstick"?

Because even when he was a baby,
he tried to butt-fuck everything.

- Goddamn it.
- Stuffed monkey, neighbor's dog.

I'm telling you,
if it had a butt, he'd try to fuck it.

He's with his little nub, going.

(Sunny laughs)

Anyway, I think you ought to be working
the sexual angle with her,

because I know for a fact
that that husband isn't getting it done.

That guy never rocked a clit in his life.

And that is one piece of motherly advice
I hope you took to heart.

You motorboat that O-button
till she's speaking in tongues.

- You know what "son" means, right?
- When did you turn into such a pussy?

- Don't worry, I'm fine.
- I'm not worried.

I just don't want you hacking up
your lung in my drink, okay?

Not a chance.
Nah, this chassis' built to last.

You know,
I smoked two packs of menthols a day,

washed it down with a liter of this gin...

And I could still fill that shot glass
with this man's jizz.

- I said I don't give a shit, okay?
- Fine. I get it. You're mad at me.

You think I was really ready
to be a mom at 13?

(Sunny) Huh? We were gonna wait
at least another year.

I mean, the one time
your son of a bitch father

didn't put it in my ass,
I had to go and get pregnant.

- Shit happens.
- That's fucking beautiful.

Look, I'm not gonna pretend
I was a perfect mother.

Yeah, no shit.

You made me take the fall for you
when I was 11.

Well, there's no sense in us
both going down.

Besides, it made a man of you.
You are who you are because of me.

No, I'm not anything like you.

Well, you keep telling yourself that.

Now where's your fucking midget?
It's getting late.


(cell phone ringtone rings)

♪ Pop that pussy
Hey, pop that pussy, baby ♪

- (Alice) What... What is that?
- (ringing stops)


(Alice)What, do you have
a speaker up there?

(Regent) Dorfman, get up here.

You sure it was a phone ring?
Might have just been the fan turning over.

Well, Dorfman, last time I checked,
fans don't "Pop That Pussy."

No, I suppose they don't.

No, I think Diane hired someone
to spy on me.

- Diane? That doesn't sound like her.
- I want you to watch her.

Anything unusual, I wanna know about it.
And cover the whole building.

I'm talking microphones,
cameras, everything.

Copy. Ladies' room
is already taken care of.

(Sunny chuckles) He's fucking Alice.

- (scoffs) Go figure.
- Why the fuck would you call me?

Well, you're the genius
who left your ringer on.

Because you the only two people I know.
Why would you call?

What's she doing
with that shoe? Oh, God!

He heard a noise in the fucking vent.
What's the big deal?

He heard "Pop That Pussy" in the vent,
and that is a big fucking deal.

Think she knows?

- (Sunny) Who?
- You know, the redheaded gal, Diane.

That her husband's
fooling around with the help?

I'm saying, do you think she knows
that her fucking husband

is ripping off the goddamn charity?

Who gives a shit?
As long as she doesn't get in the way.

- Can you crack the safe?
- Of course I can crack the fucking safe.

Probably take me about three minutes.
Three and a half tops.

Well, you shave a minute off that,
you may be good for something.

- What about the alarm system?
- It's a Centaur 2100.

We power it down,
we have ten minutes before it reboots.

But I'm gonna need a key
to the electrical room to access it.

- It's the only way in.
- Ah, shit, how are we gonna get that?

(keys jangle)

(Marcus) Don't even
think about it, Willie.

That big bitch is mine.

He should show you some respect.

- You're the talent, not him.
- (Diane) Hey, Randall!

Mind giving me a hand over here?

I've gotta get this stuff
to the auditorium.

He'd love to, darling.
Strong, strapping man like him.

Clitoris, son. Do it for Mama.

Thanks, Sunny.

She's so sweet. I wish I had
a hundred volunteers like her.

Oh, yeah, she's something.
I'm sure they only made one of her.

(coffee pours)

How you doing, beautiful?

- (Marcus) Gina, was it?
- That's right.

- Ronald. We haven't officially met.
- Well, hello, Ronald. Officially.

I bet you got no idea
how beautiful you really are.

I don't know.
I think I've got some idea.

- Oh, you do, do you?
- Maybe a little.

I don't mean to be indiscreet,
but I do pretty well.

So if you can't bring your A game,
don't even try.

Sweetheart, I'm not sure
you could handle my A game.

You get one hit of me
and you'll be addicted.

- (chuckles) I like your confidence.
- I'd light you up like the Fourth of July.

Look, Ronald,
I'm just gonna cut to the chase here.

I am strictly first-class.

I'm talking Chrysler 300,
factory-direct, fully loaded.

And after that... lobster.

Now if you think you can handle that,

then maybe, just maybe,
I'll pencil you in.


- ♪ Joy to the world, the Lord is come ♪
- (Diane giggles)

Aren't they great?

Regent likes to focus on the business,
but I'm like you.

I am all about those kids
and the Christmas concert.

(Diane) We all participate.

Volunteers, staff.
If you're interested, you could join us.

You outta your goddamn mind?

I ain't dancing around
with a bunch of candy canes and shit.

Because I'm all about
the birth of Christmas.

You know, the wise guys

kicked him out of the hotel
and the ejaculate conception

and the drummer that didn't have shit
to give him but some perfume...

And the King Midas or one of them
threatened to cut the kid in half,

turn him into gold and but, see, I...

It's a heavy deal for me.
Pretty damn heavy.

Are you talking about
the true meaning of Christmas?

- Exactly.
- Right.

Don't forget about the meeting
tomorrow night at 7:30.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, it's only scary the first time.

(camera clicking)

- Does this bus go to Chicago?
- (bus driver) No.

Son, this bus goes
to the Arrowhead Premium Outlets.

- Is that close to Chicago?
- (bus driver) No.

(sighs) Okay.

How do I look?

You look like one of those trolls
that gang-fucked Willy Wonka.

(Sunny laughs) Good one, shitstick.

Hey, Shaft, you ready to stick it
to this chick tonight?

Bitch, let me tell you something.

When I was at the pen,
everyone called me tripod.


Well, if your legs are six inches long,

that's not that big
of a fucking deal, see.

Now, if you're six foot five
and they called you tripod,

- then you're talking about something.
- (laughs)

- Miserable fucks, both of you.
- Mm. (burps)

- Goddamn, did you eat your own shit?
- No, I've been eating caramels.

(Sunny) You know how caramels
make Mama belch. Remember?

No. No, I don't.

(Sunny) No, come on. You remember.

Look, when you were a baby,

I used to chew and feed you caramels,
just like a mama bird does.

I'd chew and chew and chew
till they were all milky.


And then I'd... (spits)
spit them right in your little mouth.

And you'd just,
you'd just squint your little...

Can't you see I'm trying to eat
a fucking pizza here?

I swear to God, a fucking electric oven.

(Leo Delibes' "The Flower Duet" playing)

(keyboard clicking)

Anyway, it took this new set of teeth
to finally see the light.

- Jesus, I already need a fucking drink.
- (shushes)

(man) People ask me
if I miss my old teeth.

But sometimes, you have to
lose something to gain something.

Now, I'm dating again,
and I'm ready to find The One.

- (applause)
- (group leader) Thank you for that, Jason.

- With no teeth, he ought to try dudes.
- (softly) Terrible.

Would anyone else care to share?


(group leader) The stage is yours.

- Hi, I'm Diane and I'm an alcoholic.
- (AA group) Hi, Diane.

Maybe next time,
you'll feel comfortable speaking.

I don't know about that.

- (sighs)
- (Diane) Okay. Fine.

Maybe you can just talk to me
if that's easier.

Do you ever feel like you hit rock bottom?

You gotta be shitting me.

I sure did. In my late 20's.

You know, some people
can have one drink and they're fine.

I am not that kind of person. I get wild.

- I'm all ears. How wild?
- What?

You mean like sex stuff?
That kind of thing?


Alcohol led me to make
some not-so-good choices.

But I've cleaned up my life.

- I met Regent...
- Wait a minute, hang on. (chuckles)

You picked that douche bag up
when you were sober?

He was different
when he was in the Peace Corps.

He helped me find focus.

You don't understand, it was bad.
Three-ways, five-ways...

Five-ways? How many holes do you have?

- Anyway, the drinking had to stop.
- Yeah, I guess so.

It was probably making you forget
all the fun you had.

I'm talking about addiction, Mr. Cook.

Like sex? Or booze?

Listen, I'll tell you what,

I'd like to get you in
that back seat there.

And tear your little panties off
and get that ass in my face

and just fuck that pussy
like you can't imagine.

Excuse me?

You filthy, dirty...

Well, I thought that's what
we were talking about here.

Get out of my car!

- Damn, no sweat.
- (Diane) Unbelievable.

- (Willie) Goddamn.
- (camera clicking)

- (Diane) I'm trying to help you.
- (Willie) Look, I'm sorry.

- I fucking read you wrong. I was just...
- (tires screech)

(Gina) Well, thank you, Ronald.

- That was some fine crustacean.
- Yeah.

Maybe we should take this upstairs.

- Hmm.
- (Marcus) What?

When it's right, it's right.
I feel it, you feel it?

- You're really fun, but just...
- I'm not tall enough for you?

- What?
- Go on and say it.

No! Your height has nothing to do with it.
I don't even see height.

What's the trouble, then, baby?

You're just not my type.
I'm into older guys.

You know, like, older Jewish guys,
older Irish guys, dads.

Not my dad, other people's dads.
They're the best.

You know, they're usually into anal.
But their wives won't give it up.

But I don't mind. I'm just into, you know,
more mature, experienced guys.

Guys who are well-traveled,
cultured and into butt stuff.

Bad boys, you know. Guys who don't
give a fuck and treat me like shit.

A guy who if I asked him to choke me,
would enjoy it just a little too much.

Damn, girl, I wouldn't pick you out
for that kind of shit.

Christmas in general gets me so drenched.

I mean, a guy breaks into your house,
eats your food

and then punishes you
because you were naughty.

I think I'm gonna go upstairs
and watch It's a Wonderful Life

and rub one out right now.

But thanks for the lobster.

Ain't that but a bitch!

Done ate ten pounds of lobster

and I didn't even get a chance
to smell that pussy.

Damn. Shit.

(Diane) Fine, get in.

Regent and I haven't had sex
in over a decade.

We stay together for the charity.

I'm a good girl, Mr. Cook,
but sometimes I need to be bad.

Now get your filthy ass in the car.

(chuckles) See, that's what I thought.

(Diane moans) Oh, yeah!

Fuck me like the dirty little slut
that I am.

- (moans)
- Call me Santa.

- What?
- Call me Santa.

Don't be weird. Tell me how dirty this is.

- Call me Santa.
- Shut up.

And spit on me. (moans)

(Diane) Fuck!

- Tell me how dirty it is. (moans)
- Okay.

U h, it's a dumpster in an alley.

It's pretty, pretty fucking dirty,
I guess.

- Tell me it's fucking dirty!
- Okay, it's fucking dirty.

- It's dirty.
- (moans)

Yes, it's dirty. (chuckles)

- (Diane) Oh, oh, fuck me. I'm so dirty.
- Yeah.

It was a one-time thing.
That never happened.

All right.

- (television playing)
- What the fuck?

I'm not missing The Bachelor finale.

I gotta see who the dingleberry
gives his last rose to,

Goiter Face or Drunk Slut.

Fuck! Oh! Get out of my brain!

- Hey, Homeo, you got the key?
- I'm gonna need a little more time.

(sighs) Christ, am I the only one getting
anything done here tonight?

(poop splashes)

And I thought my family was fucked.

(Sunny) Is he always this fucking useless?

- (woman in television) Ow!
- Oh, call the medic!

♪ Frosty the Snowman
Was a jolly happy soul ♪

♪ With a corn cob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made of out coal ♪

♪ Frosty the Snowman
Is a fairy tale they say ♪

♪ He was made of snow
But the children know ♪

♪ How he came to life one day ♪

♪ For Frosty the Snowman
Had to hurry on... ♪

- Do you know Willie?
- Willie? No.

- (driver) Who the hell is Willie?
- Can I ride the bicycle now?


Why the fuck were they at an AA meeting?

(Dorfman) I don't know.

- Maybe he's an alcoholic.
- Brilliant insight, Dorfman.

No, I'm wondering why they were together.

I wanna know who he is.

Find out everything.
Schools, arrests, financials, meds.

Whatever's out there on this guy,
I wanna see it.


Yeah, do I need to seduce that girl
myself to get that key?

Because I can. Wouldn't be the first time.

Please don't make me picture that.
I'm on it.

Well, you better be.

Or else I'll get her done.

I need full dossier on a Randall Cook.

Yes, I said "dossier."

I'm sorry. I was under the impression
that was the correct nomenclature.


Fine! A file, then.


♪ Everybody shake your ungh ♪

♪ Shake it to the left
Shake it to the right ♪

♪ Shake it to the east, baby
Shake it all night ♪

♪ Shake it to the left
Shake it to the right ♪

♪ Shake it to the west, baby
Shake it all night ♪

♪ Move your feet
Come on ♪

(car horn honks)

Shitstick! Let's go!
I got a side gig, just the two of us.

- I'm busy.
- (Sunny) I said get in the van.

I said I'm fucking busy!

(car horn honks)

(car horn continues honking)

One fucking thing I get to enjoy
and you shit on that too.

(Sunny) So I help field incoming calls
for the Santa appearances

and shows and whatnot,
so I snagged this one just for us.

Every year, these rich assholes throw
this huge party to benefit the needy kids.

And this year, they requested
Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus.

So, while you're playing Santa,
I'm gonna clean these buggers out.

Hang on a second here.

I'm gonna spend my whole day
with a bunch of damn kids on my lap?

- I'm retired from that shit anyway.
- Give me that.

Give me that, you fucking lush.

- I need you sharp.
- Goddamn it.

♪ Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Ha ha ha
Bells on bobtails ring ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
And sing these songs tonight ♪

- Hey, keep those coming, will you?
- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
- (sighs)

(car horn honking)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Seriously, you need to
give my bike back. Now.

(Thurman) Where are the cherry pop ladies?

- (hisses)
- Oh, Gina!

Oh, hey!

- You're not mad, are you?
- Mad? No. Because I get you.

You a woman of high standards,

- refined taste...
- (slaps)

- What's up, girl?
- Ooh. You know what's up, playa.

(hisses, moans) I'm sorry, what?

("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"
playing in piano)

(laughter, chattering in the background)

What the hell are you looking at me
so funny for?

Sorry, Santa. I had to go.

(Willie) Oh, is that you?
I thought it was me.

Hey, Greta. Could you, uh, get me a rag
and a real drink, please?

Of course. I'll be right back.

Come on. Get out of here.
Put a fucking diaper on.


- Hey, you're wet.
- No shit. What can I do for you?

Will you be able to find me
at my grandma's house in Grand Rapids?

Because no one's going to be
at our Chicago house for two weeks.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I'll find you.
But, hey, do Santy a favor, will you?

You know the address
of where you're not gonna be?

Write it down on a piece of paper
and bring it back to Santy, will you?

All right, honey. Good girl.

What do you want?

I want Minecraft, Halo 5 Guardians,
Rise of the Tomb Raider,

Project X Zone Two, Assassin's Creed
Chronicles Trilogy, As...

Yeah, yeah. That's great, that's great.
I, I don't know.

- Call of Duty Black Ops III...
- I don't know what you're talking about.

I have no idea what that shit is.

You could be speaking fucking Swahili
and I wouldn't know any better.

- Grand Theft Auto V.
- Nah, I don't care.

What can I get you?

A stuffed cow that moos
but doesn't poop.

- Some duct tape so I can build a boat.
- What?

A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop.
Some duct tape so I can build a boat.


Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get you?

A penguin. It doesn't have to be alive.


(vibrator vibrates)

- What's up, champ?
- I want a hand grenade.

Yeah, well, I want a hand release,

but you don't see me
holding my breath, do you?

- What's a hand release?
- It's kind of a compromise.

Anyway, Santy ain't no arms dealer,
so I can't help you out.

See you later.

(indistinct chatter)

Let's go.

(kids laughing)

- (thudding)
- Oops!

Walk. Don't run!

That's quite a grip you got there.
What are you, a lumberjack?

- Shot put. Olympic alternate.
- Nice.

Hey, listen, can you kind of stay up
on the business end

and stay away from the nuts?

(Willie moans)
Maybe if you put your thumb up my ass?

(waitress) No, I don't do that. (moans)

- Kiddums.
- Goddamn it. That's my mom.

- Time to get a move on.
- (waitress) Ew. Your mom?

Yeah. Help me zip this shit.

- What? Ugh.
- (zips)

(car engine starts)

(Willie exhales)

Davis! Davis!

- Where's your friend at?
- I ain't got any fucking friends!

Hey, watch your language.

Why don't I watch my dick go in and out
of your wife's pussy lips while I'm at it?

Oh, yeah? Well, joke's on you
because my wife died six months ago. Boom!

Like that will fucking stop me?
Rigor mortis just make the pussy tighter.

Oh. Where's Cook?

- (clinking)
- (Sunny) You see that?

Huh? (chuckles) Yeah.

- We still got it, kid.
- Yeah, I guess so.

It was always supposed
to be this way, William.

You, me. Before I fucked it all up.

But even when I was in the joint,
I thought of you.

And I always had a drink
on your birthday... January third.

- (sniffs)
- Seventh.

- August fourth.
- Fourth?

And August. Yeah.

Well, fuck a duck.
Anyway, uh, the point is that I miss this.

Just think of the damage we could do.
Just the two of us. All the time.

Hey. You know what? I got you a gift.

You never got me a gift
in my entire fucking life.

(Sunny) Well, boohoo.

You think it was raining presents
in my backyard when I was a kid?

Look, I'm trying to make up
for lost time here.

- You know, be a better...
- Parent?

Yeah. I found this in the bedside table.

- Think fast.
- (vibrator vibrates)

- The fuck?
- (laughs)

- Don't do that.
- Oh, that's for me.

(chuckles) Shut up.

- Pew-pew.
- Don't touch me with the fucking thing.

(chuckling, sniffs)

No, seriously. I did get you a gift.

- I want you to have this.
- What the fuck's that for?

The midget. He tried to kill you once.
I'm not gonna give him a second chance.

- I think he knows better by now, okay?
- Hey, hey, hey.

You're my shitstick. And nobody's
gonna mess with you on my watch.

I'm fine.


We gotta get rid of this van and split up.

- Hey, pull over right here.
- What for?

(Willie) Just fucking pull over, okay?

Okay, just wait right here.
Keep it running.

Be right back.

(vibrator vibrates)

- Wow.
- (car door opens)

Okay, go, go, go, go, go!

Hey! Hey! Open the door!

- (shopkeeper) Fuck!
- What you got?

Here, drink this.

- You sweet little muskrat.
- Don't get all choked up.

I'm just tired of that fucking coughing.


- I hadn't gotten 'tussed up in a while.
- (Dorfman) Yeah.

Nothing but an old address
somewhere outside Albany.

- Nothing else? Shit.
- The guy's a ghost.

Okay, call Detective O'Neill
at Precinct 12.

- Have him run a facial rec.
- Fuck yeah. Facial rec.

- That's a level-nine surveillance.
- Yeah.

Yes! Oh! Oh!


- Don't hold back.
- Don't hold back?

What do you want, a fucking jackhammer?
Goddamn, I nearly broke my fucking pelvis.

No, I mean hurry up and cum.
I can hear someone.

- (groans)
- Call me "Santa."

- (pants)
- Fine.

- Fuck me, Santa.
- Louder.

- Fuck me, Santa!
- There you go.

Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

Fuck me, Santa!
Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

(Diane) Fuck me, Santa!

Fuck me, Santa!
Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

- (Willie) No, more.
- (Diane) Oh, fuck me, Santa!

(Diane) Fuck me, Santa!
Fuck me, Santa!

- (groans)
- Oh.

- (gasps)
- Merry fucking Christmas.

- (Willie) All right, then.
- (Diane) That also...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, I know!
Uh, it never happened. I get it.

U m, I ain't exactly what you call
the romantic type, you know.

I don't go in for all the sappy shit.

But, um, I gotta tell you,
you got gigantic titties.

- And that's no shit.
- Um... thanks?

- No sweat.
- (cell phone rings)

- See you.
- (car door closes)

- (cell phone rings)
- Fuck.

- This better be an emergency.
- Willie, where are you?

I'm in Chicago,
but I can't find you anywhere.

Wait, hang on a second.
What are you doing in fucking Chicago?

I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.

The best Christmas gifts
are always a surprise.

Are you off of your goddamn nut?
Is that what you do?

(Willie over phone) You follow people
all the way across the fucking country?

Not everyone. Just you.

- (Thurman over phone) Are you surprised?
- No, this shit happens every day.

- (Thurman) It does?
- No. On what fucking planet...?

(Willie) Never mind.
What the fuck are you doing?

Uh, Willie, it's really cold here.
I didn't bring a coat. Only my gloves.

(Willie) Goddamn it.
You gotta be shitting me.

Do you got a pencil
or some shit to write on?

(knocking on door)

- (knocking continues)
- Who is it?

- Who the fuck are you?
- Grandma Willie!

(man talking on TV)

(Thurman) And Willie was in such a hurry
to get me my elephant

that I guess he forgot to pay for it.

And that made the policemen really mad.
So they followed him back to the house.

And Willie ran really fast
and he almost got to the door,

but then they shot him
like eight times in the back.

In the cowboy movies,
they say that's not even fair.

And this is the first present
Willie ever got me for Christmas.

With his blood.

- Willie, you're home!
- Goddamn, kid. Watch the spine bone.

I was just telling your mom
how you're a hero.

Yeah, yeah. Hang on a second.

You didn't bring a fucking coat,
but you brought that elephant?

- You didn't tell me to bring a coat.
- I didn't tell you to come.

- Is this your spawn?
- Do I look like I made him?

Well, if this ain't
fetal alcohol syndrome,

then what the fuck is it?

- He keeps trying to make me a sandwich.
- That's what he does.


Hey! You get that key?

You got smaller.

- (sighs)
- What the... Am I tripping?

You might be, because,
you know, certain pussy

has hallucinogenic aftereffects
if you eat too much of it.

I found out the hard way once
when I messed with my own kind.

One time, I ate too much turkey bacon,
I didn't poop for two weeks.

For four weeks.

- The key, shorty.
- Okay, first of all, fuck you!

See that? I told you.
I knew he didn't have it in him.

And second of all,
what in the fuck is he doing here?

- That is not how you serve a sandwich.
- Willie.

I'm working on it, okay?

(clears throat) Hey, kid, listen.

This is really not the right place
for you to be, okay?

Because there's not enough beds?
I only counted one, plus a couch.

- Exactly.
- You should get bunk beds, Willie.

(Willie) Yeah, maybe we'll do that.

But, uh, in the meantime,
let's you and me head out, all right?

Bye, Elf. Bye, Willie's mom.

My mom's in Jesus' house with Mary
and Joseph and the talking walnut.

- You 100 percent sure he's not yours?
- Yeah.

Well, then, cut him loose.
Set some boundaries, for chrissake.

You can't have every stray
following you around like a lost puppy.

- (Sunny) Jesus!
- I said I'm going, okay?

Can we get a Chicago pizza?
It's like pizza, but in Chicago.

Yeah, we'll get a pizza. No sweat.

This is really fun, Willie.
I didn't even know you had a mom.

- What'd you think? I was just hatched?
- Well, where were you born?

I was born in the Pulaski County Juvenile
Detention Center in Little Rock, Arkansas.

- Oh, that sounds really nice.
- Well, it wasn't nice.

And she's a mean fucking bitch,
so don't go getting any ideas, all right?

Well, sometimes you're not nice.
But you're still Santa.

Listen kid, seriously.
You're all grown-up and shit now, okay?

- You gotta stop that.
- Well, I know you're not the Santa.

But you're still my Santa.

Come on. Let's go.

(cell phone vibrates)

(cell phone vibrates)

(softly) Fuck.

(Willie) Fuck! Fucking pussy!

(indistinct chatter)

Look at all the Santas!
I really get to stay here?

Goddamn right.

So how long is the kid staying here?

Hell if I know,
I ain't his fucking secretary.

- You run the joint.
- (chuckles) Cook, you crack me up.

I what?

Boarding room's downstairs on the left.
Any bed that's not taken.

Alrighty, here we go.

Now listen,
don't be sitting on any toilet seats.

If you gotta take a shit
just stand over it, couple of feet away,

take aim and blow it in there.

'Cause I'm pretty sure crabs can jump.
All right?

Don't let anybody muscle up on you
in the showers either,

because they'll try.

And if a fight breaks out, go straight
for the nuts or gouge an eye out.


I don't think I like it here, Willie.

Then you should go home,
like I told you to start with.

But it's not home if there's nobody there.

What about Granny?
I'm sure she misses you.

- (Thurman) She died.
- When?

(Thurman) Two years ago.

Same day as the President's Day sale
at Blue Mesa Toyota and Scion

where they put the "whee" in wheels.

Well, Granny had a good run.

She was about
150 fucking years old, anyway.

Look at this, this is not so bad.
Look, you got bunk beds.

(Willie) Look at that.

Ow! Goddamn, kid! Fuck!

- Will we have Christmas together?
- Fuck, I don't know.

- But, Willie...
- No "but, Willie." Goddamn it!

I've been chasing your ass off
ever since I fucking met you.

Do you not take a hint?
I fucking told you that I ain't that guy.

Life sucks a big, giant dick, kid.

But you're a fucking man now
and you gotta face up to it.

Welcome to the shit show.

- But you're my family.
- No, I'm not your family.


- Okay. I'll try to be a man. For you.
- No, not for me. For you.

- Even though I'm all alone.
- (Willie) You're not all alone.

(chuckles) Are you shitting me?
I mean, look around here.

(Willie) You got all these great guys.

Except that one jerking off over there.
And that one watching him jerk off.

You know what, just kind of stay
in this section right here, okay?

- (breathes nervously)
- You'll be fine.

(man coughs)

(door closes)


- Where the hell have you been?
- What are you, my fucking mother?

I've been dealing with the kid, all right?

Oh, well, don't lose your focus.
We still need that key.

I tried seducing the girl myself
but she's strictly dickly.

Concert's tomorrow night.
So you better step up, buddy boy.

I thought the midget was doing it.

Marcus couldn't fuck his way out
of a wet paper bag.

I'll make sure she knows you got
the hots for her.

- Really?
- That's what he told me.

Oh, here he comes.

Of course you may have to make
the first move,

- because he seems like the shy type.
- Okay.

Hey. We still good for tomorrow? The plan.

- Cutting her out after the grab. Right?
- Yeah, yeah. We're good.

Come on, shitstick.
Bring it on home to Mama.

(softly) Goddamn.

♪ I just can't wait till Christmas day ♪

♪ My favorite time of the year ♪


(Gina) Hey, Cook!

(Gina) Hey, Cook!

Mind if join you?

It's okay to like what you see.
I like what I see.

(Gina) Oh, yes!

Oh, oh, yes!
Oh, oh, yes! Yes, oh, come get there.

Oh, God! Oh, make Mama cum. (moans)

Don't say "Mama." No mom stuff!

(grunts) You don't stop till I say stop!

- Okay, flip over.
- Fine. Bring it.

Are you washing your fucking hands
right now?


Oh, wait, wait. That's not my... H uh.

(Gina) Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That feels amazing! Holy shit!


Harder! (moans)

Harder! Yes!

(choir singing)
♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Silent night ♪

- ♪ Holy night ♪
- (Thurman) Oh, my gosh.

You guys are really good at singing.
I like to sing in the bathtub.

I'm a soprano. My friend Ronnie says
I sound like Mariah Carey.

- Hello. What's your name?
- I'm Thurman. Thurman Merman.

For real? Ha!

Would you like to join us, Thurman?

This looks like it might fit.

- I get to wear this?
- Of course you do.

You're a Santa now, Thurman.
Go ahead, put it on.

It's got a lot of paper trash in it,

so I think it should be a light landing
for both of you. Okay?

- (door closes)
- So...

Where the fuck have you been? We gotta
lock everything down for tomorrow.

- (keys jangling)
- That's my boy!

- Shit. How'd you get that?
- He tapped that security girl.

(Marcus) Ha-ha. Very funny.
Wait... for real?

I didn't exactly have to talk her into it.
She was wetter than Lake Michigan.

Matter of fact, I think she roofied me.

(Sunny) Ah, rohypnol.
Excellent icebreaker.

Of course, it's harder for the girl
because she's gotta get off

- before the drugs soften the noodle.
- Yeah.

Ya! You no good motherfucker!

- What the fuck?
- (Marcus) You...

- (Willie) God!
- (Sunny) Get off of him!

- Hey! Get off of him you little shit!
- (grunts)

- (Marcus) I'll kill your ass!
- (Willie) Let go of me!

- Motherfucker!
- Get off of him!

- (grunts)
- Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.

(Marcus) Hey, goddamn pussy!
You motherfucker!

Just get off of him. Hey! (groans)

- (thuds)
- (Willie) Goddamn it!

(Willie) Ow!

- (coughs, groans)
- (Willie) Goddamn!

My first shot at a good piece of ass
after nearly ten years

and you gotta go
and take a dump on that too.

- (Marcus) Fuck you!
- It was just business.

You just ruined
a perfectly good piece of pussy

with that diseased-ass dick of yours.

I'm glad I tea-bagged your drunk ass,
you fucking piece-of-shit motherfucker!

Would you get it together?
Tomorrow is go time.

- (Marcus) I need some air.
- (coughs)


Now, see? Who the fuck does he think
he is talking to you that way?

- That's it. We're cutting him out.
- What? Fuck no.

I mean, he's just steamed a little bit.
He'll be fine.

Okay, you wanna share
half of your take with him?

- Be my guest.
- You know, I don't fucking get you.

I mean, you're the one
that brought that little shit in.

No, shitstick. I brought you in.
You're the safe cracker.

He can't even crack his own ass.
Fuck that.

We're going to Mexico. (coughs)

(grunts) It's loaded now.
You're good to go.


You did this whole fucking thing

just to have me to go
to shit-ass Mexico with you?

I just thought it might be fun to spend
Christmas with the only family I got left.

- Why's that such a surprise?
- Well... (chuckles)

You know, they'd grant Charles Manson
fucking parole if it wasn't for one thing.

- He's Charles Manson.
- I get it.

Maybe I don't blame you.
But things change at the end of the road.

- (knocking on door)
- (Thurman) Willie?

- (Thurman) Willie, you in there?
- Get rid of him.

- Is this an emergency?
- No.

I just wanted to invite you
to the Christmas concert tomorrow, Willie.

I'm singing in the choir.

We're doing all the Christmas carols,
"Silent Night," "Deck the Halls,"

"Jingle Bells," "Veni, Veni, Emmanuel ."
That one's in Latin.

I know you're busy, but it's only for
an hour and all the parents are coming.

And I know you're not my real family,

but when you don't have real family,
then you have to make a new one.

And it's actually better
because then you get to pick the people

who are in your family.

And you're the family I picked.

And that's why I followed you to Chicago.

Because I didn't want you
to spend Christmas alone.

So can you come? And then maybe
after we can go to SantaCon or...

I, I can't. I can't come.

- Look, I'll try to make it. Okay?
- Okay. I'll look for you, Willie.

I'll look for you
and I'll wave like this. Okay?

Yeah. Okay, All right. Good deal.

- All right. I'll see you.
- Bye, Willie.

(door closes)

What are you, the fucking FBI?
That place is gonna be crowded.

He won't even know I'm not there.

- Good.
- (Thurman) Good night, Elf!

For a minute there,
I thought you were going soft.


I hate your guts, motherfucker.
But business is business.

Let's do this.

(indistinct chattering)

- Hi, thank you so much for coming.
- Okay?

- You look gorgeous.
- Amazing. H I, good to see you.

(engine revving)

- Time?
- Concert starts in five.


As you know,
Christmas is a time for giving.

And we want to thank you all
for being here tonight.

All right, let's sync them up, boys.
At 7:45, the power goes down.

That's on me.

You got ten minutes to get
to Regent's office, crack that safe,

grab the money,
throw it down the garbage chute

and then get the hell out of there
before anybody knows what's hit them.

Now please join me in welcoming
the Giving City Children's Choir.


And without further ado, I would like
to introduce our choirmaster, Renee.


You got a match? Well, send it over!

Now we're gonna get this party started
with an old favorite.

(choir singing)
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Sing we joyous all together
Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Heedless of the wind and weather
Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la
La la la ♪


- This is all your handiwork.
- (Willie) Huh?

The money you helped us raise,
it gave Christmas to these kids.

You're part of the family now.


(Gina) Ugh! Boring.

Ooh, no teeth. That's hot.


Oh, yeah. Who's got the pussy lips now,

- I never gave you this.
- (choirmaster) Thank you. Thank you.

Room 523.

I'd like to call to the stage now

a very special member of our choir.

Please say hello to Thurman Merman.


("Silent Night" playing)

(sings) ♪Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ 'Round yon virgin mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ Shepherds quake at the sight ♪

♪ Glories stream from heaven afar ♪

♪ Heavenly hosts sing hallelujah ♪

♪ Christ the savior is born ♪

♪ Christ the savior is born ♪

(cheering and applause)

Find them. All of them!




Go! Go, go, go, go!


Gina, check the security cameras.

Copy, checking.

Oh, shit!


- Three minutes, Willie, come on!
- Shut the fuck up! I can't hear.

- Just hurry your ass!
- (beeps)

What the hell is this?

Wait, bring up my office,
I wanna see the safe.

I can't, sir.
It still has eight minutes to reboot.

What? Call the police!

- Let's go, come on!
- I'm on it.

Well, that can't be more
than half a million, 600 tops.

Well, fuck, that's all we got.

- (gun clicks)
- Perfect amount for my cut.

Are you shitting me? Really?
You know the old lady's right.

Not so big now, are you?

Come on, come on,
come on, come on. (hissing)

(Regent) Motherfuckers!

- Lock it down. The whole building!
- We're on a level-ten lockdown.

Lockdown level ten.

- Get in!
- You get in!

(Regent) Evacuate the concert!
And search everyone.

- (thudding)
- (gasps)

- (Sunny) Halle-fucking-lujah!
- (Willie and Marcus grunt)

Oh, baby!

(police car sirens wailing)

- (thuds)
- Oh!

Sweet Jesus, you made it!

What's the fucking Santy Claus outfit
all about?

Now step the fuck back!

- (giggles) What are you doing, runt?
- It's called thinning the herd.

World's gonna be a better place
without the fucking Sokes in it.

I'm gonna live like a king this time.

- A fucking sultan!
- Not in this lifetime, Sparky.

- The bag goes with me.
- You mean with us.

- No, I mean me.
- What the fuck did you just say?

When I said this was my last job,
I meant it was my last job with you.

I knew I should've left, second
I saw your miserable fucking face.

Why did I forget?

N ice job on the safe, though.
Yeah, I'm real proud of you.

Well, you know something, Mama?

Maybe you're not as smart
as you think you are.

- Did you forget about this?
- (police car sirens wailing)

Oh, how could I have forgotten?

Go ahead. Shoot me, shitstick.

They're blanks, Willie.

You really think I'd be dumb enough
to put real bullets in that gun?

Well, I ain't afraid of you, bitch!
I'll blow a hole through your ass so...


(Willie) The fuck?

(police) Drop your weapons!
Put your hands in the...

Hey, hang on a second. She's got
the money, I'm just a fucking guy!



Willie! Hey, Willie!

(pop music playing)

- (bouncer) Ticket please.
- (beeps)


(loud pop music playing)

(police car sirens wailing)

(police) Let us through right now.
We're chasing a suspect.

(indistinct dialogue)

(crowd cheering)

(cop speaking indistinctly)

- Come here.
- (grunts)


- (grunts)
- (man) Come on, man.


- Hey!
- (groans)

- Found this on the coffee table.
- Well, hoo-fucking-rah, William.

Well, give me the fucking bag.
I'm taking this back to the kids.

I'd rather them have it
than your sorry ass.

- Don't test me, boy.
- You're gonna shoot me too?

- (fireworks exploding)
- (grunts)

(crowd cheering)

- (groans) You fucking shot me!
- I told you I would. You never listen.


(Sunny) Let go of the bag, William.
Let go of the bag.

Goddamn it, let go of the fucking bag!


(man) Money!

(man) It's raining money!

(man) She's got a gun!

(Thurman) Willie!

(police) Drop the weapon! Get down!

The fuck is going on? Hey, goddamn it!

(Willie) I caught a fucking
midget-murdering fucking armed robber.

I'm a goddamn hero.

Don't worry, Willie. I'm okay.
It's just in my butt.


- (heart rate monitor flat lines)
- No!

(Willie) Oh, f...

- (Willie groans)
- (woman) Stand clear.


Oh! Fuck me!

- (exhales)
- (sighs)

- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah.

(Willie) Well, I guess this is
what they call a happy ending.

But as far as Christmas miracles go,
shit, I don't know.

That asshole Regent ended up
getting busted

while I got off clean by ratting out
my steaming pile of shit mother.

Guess I did learn one thing about family
from that crazy bitch.

And that is, if yours happens to be
a bag of dicks, then fuck them.

- (Willie) Start over.
- ♪ Oh yeah candles burning low ♪

♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪

♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪

♪ Everywhere we go ♪

♪ Choirs singing carols ♪

♪ Right outside my door ♪

♪ All these things and more ♪

♪ All these things and more, babe ♪

♪ That's what Christmas means to me
My love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(Willie) So maybe there is no such thing
as a Christmas miracle, or whatever.

But I've worn the suit enough to know
a perfect Christmas gift when I see one.

And like the kid says,
"The best gifts are always a surprise. "

So if a happy ending is staring at you
right in the fucking face,

then just say, "All right,
I guess I'll take it. "

♪ And wish you a Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ Wish you a Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ And such happiness in the coming year ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ All these things and more, baby ♪

♪ That's what Christmas means to me
My love ♪



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