Bad Santa (2003) - full transcript

Willie T. Stokes is a convicted con man who's led a miserable life. He drinks heavily and constantly embarrasses himself publicly. He only works once a year dressed as Santa. But then come Christmas Eve, he and his pint-sized helper dwarf Marcus stage elaborate robberies and take their department stores for everything they got. This year, they hit a mall in suburban Phoenix, Arizona. This time around, Willie gets distracted by having sex with large women, a bartender who is attracted to Santas, and a kid who's convinced he's the real deal. However, this time around Marcus must once again put up with Willie's heavy drinking and a series of incidents that constantly shoot themselves in the foot. Not to mention a nosy department store security guard who's onto them and wants his cut of the loot. Will Willie and Marcus make it to next Christmas? Or will this be the year the dynamic duo finally face justice?


Can I get another
drink down here?

WILLIE: I've been
to prison once,

I've been married twice.

I was once draughted
by Lyndon Johnson

and had to live
in shit-ass Mexico

for two and a half
years for no reason.

I've had my eye socket
punched in, a kidney taken out,

and I got a bone chip in my
ankle that's never gonna heal.

I've seen some pretty
shitty situations in my life,

but nothing has ever
sucked more ass than this.

If I'd known I was
going to have to put up

with a bunch of
screaming brats

pissing on my lap
for 30 days out of the year,

I would have killed
myself a long time ago.


Come to think of it,
I still might.

Where I come from, we
didn't celebrate Christmas.

Not because we were Jewish,

but because my dad was a
worthless coward fucking asshole

whose idea of a present was a
daily punch to the back of the head.

He did teach me how
to crack a safe, though.

My dad never did shit with his
life, so he took it out on me.

You could say
I'm no different,

and I'd have to
say you were right.

But at this point,
it's too late to start over.

Funny how things work out.

It's fucking hilarious.



There's Santa
Claus over there.




Oh, my, what
a darling photo.

Are you certain you
only want the single?

Additional photos
come in handy

as gifts for
Grandma and Grandpa

or as a wonderful
remembrance for friends.

You know what?

This one, I think
it's more than enough.

Merry Christmas.

WILLIE: What do you
want, little girl?

(WH ISPERS) A drum set.

Your old man
will love that.

Okay, fine.
See you later.

I saw you
at another mall.

Oh, I'm very
happy for you.

You're not really Santa.

If you were Santa,
you could do magic.

You wanna see some magic?

Let's watch you disappear.

WILLIE: Watch the bladder,
kid. Santa's got to pee.

What do you want?

GIRL: A new bike.

WILLIE: Wow, that's
a new one. Excellent.

STORE MANAGER: Your attention, shoppers,
the store will be closing in five minutes.

We hope tomorrow's
a pleasant Christmas,

and thank you for
shopping with us.

WILLIE: Is that it?

Yeah, that's
the last one.

Thank the fuck Christ.

Jesus, Mother Mary,
and Joseph.

You pissed yourself.


Oh, Jesus.


Yeah, right.

Happy holidays.
All right.

Merry Christmas.

Get home safe.

I don't care what he says,
we're going out for a beer.

I'll get right
back to you.

What the hell's
wrong with you?

I'm trying to
fucking leave here.

Pants are awful baggy.

You got anything in there?

Yeah, my dick.
You want to see it?

Keep pushing me.

I got my eyes on you.
All the time.






How's it going?

I'm finished
when I'm finished.

I'm going back upstairs.

I need a melon
baller and a loofah.

Got it.

Fuck the loofah,
let's go.

Marcus, you
get the loofah?





* Jingle bell, jingle bell
jingle bell rock

* Jingle bells chime in
jingle bell time *

I'm dizzy.
Put me down.

* That's the jingle bell *

Put me down.

Oh, come on.

* That's the
jingle bell rock *



Baby, two more
of these, all right?

No, that's it for me.

You can't drink worth
a shit, you know that?

I weigh 92 pounds,
you dick.


Come on, one more.
It's a celebration.

Here's to you.


You're getting worse,
you know that?

At least I got it open.

It took you long enough.

I remember the time when you could
unlock a lock like it was nothing.

You don't have to
worry about me anymore.

I'm out.


Bullshit, my ass.

We just made
$111,000 in one night.

Exactly. I figure I got
enough to go to Miami.

And do what?

I don't know. Shit, get a car,
get a place maybe, you know?

Maybe start a business.

A bar out on the beach.

Something like that.

I could quit drinking
and run the place.

Maybe marry a waitress.


You ain't gonna
do shit except go

down there and drink
your fucking ass off.

You're gonna piss
everything away,

and end up counting the
days till next Christmas.

(SIGH ING) You'd like
that, wouldn't you?

It ain't gonna happen.

If I call you next December...
If I call you next December,

you're gonna be so
happy to hear from me,

you're gonna do
a goddamn back flip.

You're gonna put that
Santa hat on so fast

that you're gonna
get fucking hatburn.

Can I get you
guys two more?

No, thanks,
we're all right.

See? I'm already
on the wagon.


Asshole, how many
times I got to tell you?

Get out from
behind my bar!

Put the drink
down right now!

Put the drink
down right now!

Fuck you.

Fuck me?


Fuck you!



MAN: Get the fuck out
of here right now!




* Have a holly
jolly Christmas

* And in case
you didn't hear

* Oh by golly, have a holly
jolly Christmas this year *

Fucking shit! Fuck you!


Fuck you! Fuck you!



WILLIE: Yeah, baby.

You want to play
Hide the Nazi one day?

God damn it.

Here you go, sweetie.

I've got something
for your pretty ass.

You do?

Wow. $5. Thanks.

I got to listen
to my messages.

You need to take a shower.

I'm a dancer. I sweat.

You smell like
a bum's nut sack.

Fuck you.



RECORDED VOICE: Message one.

MAN: This is Andrew Caplan again,
calling from the collection agency.

RECORDED VOICE: Message two.

This is Dolores Axelrod.

You ran into my
car last week.

I called State Farm,
but they have no record

of any insurance
policy for you.

In case you misplaced it,
my phone number is...

RECORDED VOICE: Message three.

MARCUS: Willie, it's Marcus.

It's that time of year again.

Pack your shit. Phoenix.


* Oh, the weather outside
is so frightful

* But the fire
is so delightful

* And since
we've no place to go

* Let it snow! Let it snow!
Let it snow!

* Man, it doesn't show
signs of stopping

* And I've brought me
some corn for popping

* The lights are turned
way down low

* Let it snow! Let it snow! *


Jesus Christ!

Can you maybe keep it
together for just 10 minutes?


BOB: Harrison, just let me
explain, please. Financially...

what you pay for.

Five Christmases I've
been here, and now what?

You flip me for some stranger
who'll do it for peanuts,

and who happens to work
with a real midget?

Let me tell you something.
Nobody cares.

Nobody comes
here for the elf.

Santa's the attraction!

I do Burl Ives songs.

Does this schmo
even play guitar?

Harrison, it's not about
the money or the midget.

Believe me, if it was...

I don't think
they like "midget. "

I think you're
supposed to call them...

Oh, just forget it!



Hi. Bob Chipeska.

Welcome. Great photo
and r?sum?, by the way.

Thanks. We've been at
this a long time and all,

so we'd like to
think we do a good job.

BOB: I'm so glad you guys could
come in on such short notice.


...affect your
performance in any way.

Oh, no...


Yes, your performance.
You know, the...

Performance, like sexual?

Excuse me?

Are you saying there's
something wrong with my gear?

Is that what you're
saying to me?

I'm sorry. Your gear?

My fuckstick.


Willie, take a seat.

You know how
your blood sugar is.

He's not going
to say "fuckstick"

in front of the
children, is he?

No. It's a joke.

An adult joke.
For us adults.

It's a joke,
just a joke.


Yes, I thought it
was very strange, too.

So as our security chief, I
wanted you to, you know, be aware.

His little friend promised he wouldn't
say it in front of the children.

Which is fine,
because, you know,

there is an adult world and a
child's world, and that's okay.

I'm no censor.

Little friend?

Yes, he happens
to be a dwarf,

or midget.

I don't know what he's called
exactly, but he's a little guy.

Little Billy Barty,
God rest.

But thin fingers, not
the fat sausage fingers.

"Little people,"
that's what they like.

Yes, right.

So, "fuckstick. "
That's it?




Merry Christmas!
Santa's coming.



Have you seen that new
Santa they just hired?

Yeah. He's back
there, drunk.


He's coming, guys.

Santa will be
here real soon.


God damn it!

What the fuck you doing?

You blow this and we're
broke for the whole year.

So stop acting like
you know something,

because, pal of mine,
you don't know squat!

Now put on your hat
and get out there.

And try to act professional,
for Christ's sake!


WILLIE: What do
you want? What?

Get out of here. Next!

Oh, good.
What do you want?

What do you want?

What are you doing?

God damn it!

Nintendo Deer Hunter lll.

I don't give
a shit what you want.

Blowing snot all over
everybody and fucking whatever.

Next. Come on.

What do you want?

Um, Santa?

Yeah, I'm Santa.

Come on, what do you want?

Um, Barbie.

Say cheese.

Okay, fine, Barbie.
Thank you.

Ow! Watch the toenails,
kid! Shit. Next.

What do you want?

A Fraggle-Stick car.

What the fuck is that?

Fraggle-Stick car.

I heard you.
A Fraggle-Stick car, fine.

Check out this loser.

BOY: Hey, fat-ass,
how you doing today?

Hey, loser.
Hey, dipshit. Moron.

Hey, loser, how
you doing today?

Dumbass, why don't
you turn around?

You know what?
Fuck this.

You're next.


I said "next,"
God damn it.

This is not the DMV,
all right?

Move it along.

What's your name?
You can tell me.

I know. How about Santa?

If you don't tell him,
you won't get a present.

That's right.

Come on and tell
Santa all about it.

What do you want?

Well, come on,
what do you want?

A snot rag?

Great. Another
fucking mongoloid.

Marcus, get this kid off me
before he pisses on me, all right?

Don't fuck with my beard.

It's not real.

No shit.

Well, it was real, but I got
sick and all the hair fell out,

so I have to wear
this fucking thing.

How did you get sick?

I loved a woman
who wasn't clean.

Mrs Santa?

No, it was her sister.

What's it like
at the North Pole?

Like the suburbs.

Which one?

(SIGHS) Apache Junction.

What the fuck do you care?

Now get off my lap.

You just sit there
like a fucking retard.

You are really
Santa, right?

No, I'm an accountant.

I wear this fucking thing as
a fashion statement, all right?


Marcus, get this
kid out of here.

He's freaking me out.

I got to get a drink.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Just don't come in to work
stinking of booze again.

Why don't you get going?

You'll be late for your
Wizard of Oz Candy Bar Guild.

Lollipop Guild,
you asshole.

Jeez, a 2-year-old could
flip me shit better than you.

You saying
something to me?

Yeah. I'm gonna stick my
whole fist up your ass.


* Jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun
it is to ride

* In a one horse open sleigh

* Jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun
it is to ride

* In a one horse open sleigh

* Dashing through the snow

* In a one horse open sleigh

* Over the fields we go

* Laughing all the way

* Bells on bob tails ring *


* What fun it is
to laugh and sing

* A sleighing song tonight

* Jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way *

Another Grand Dad,



* Jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

Got a name?


So what do you do, you know,
after the holidays, I mean?

Nothing till March, and
then I'm the Easter Bunny.



Why not?

Merry Christmas.

You're not
a big talker.

No, not really.

Buy you one?
Why not?

* Jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

Happy New Year.

* Jingle bells, jingle bells *

You're pretty
regular for a Santa.

It's not that
big a fucking deal.

It's just a job,
you know what I mean?

I'm an eating, drinking,
shitting, fucking Santa Claus.

Prove it.

* Laughing all the way *

Fuck me, Santa.

WILLIE: Can I at least
take this hat off?


I love the hat!

Oh, okay.


I've always had
a thing for Santa Claus.

In case you didn't notice.

It's like some deep-seated
childhood thing.

So is my thing for tits.

Yeah. It is like that,
though, you know.

From when you're a kid.

'Cause my dad was Jewish
and we didn't have Christmas,

so it was like
this forbidden thing.





I like you.

Don't mothball that suit.


What the fuck?

I am not gay.

What the hell, buddy?

Buddy? I said
I am not gay.

Are you off your fucking
meds or something?

Yes. But that isn't
what this is about.

You're as queer
as a $10 bill.

Let me tell you something, motherfucker.

My brother lost a goddamn arm
fighting you fuckers in Vietnam.

So I want you
to look at me.

Look at my face one
last fucking time.

This is the last thing
you're gonna see before...

Stop, elf-fucker!
Turn around, elf-fucker!

Who's the bitch now,
Santa Claus?

Faggy Claus!

Leave Santa alone!

Little boy,
don't interfere.

I'm doing this
for all of us.

Leave Santa alone!

Good God!

Ass clown!


You're that kid.

What the fuck
are you doing here?

This one fucking time
I take you home, okay?


I'm not your fucking dada.



It's not like you helped me back
there with that nut job, you know?


But you're the right height, you're
right there to grab his balls.

You could twist them...

Why do you need a car?

What the fuck
you talking about?

This car.

Which turn is it?

Sage Terrace.
Where's your sleigh?

It's in the shop,
getting repaired.

Where are the reindeer?

I stabled them.
Is it left or right?

That way.
Where's the stable?

Next to the shop.

How do they sleep?

Who? The reindeer?
Standing up.

But the noise,
how do they sleep?

What noise?
From the shop.

(SIGHS) They only work
during the day, all right?

I thought it was always
night at the North Pole.

Not now. Right now
it's always day.

Then how do they sleep?

Oh, shit, Sage Terrace.

What is it with
you, anyway?

Somebody drop you
on your fucking head?

On my head?

Yeah. Are they gonna drop
you on somebody else's head?

How can they drop
me onto my own head?

No, not onto your own...

God damn it!
Are you fucking with me?

(SIGHS) Okay,
which house is it?

That one.

With Jesus and
his family there?

No, the one
beside that.

Right here?

Yeah, that one.

Nice digs.

Is Daddy home?

He's on an adventure,
exploring mountains.

He's been gone
a long time.

mountains, huh?

How long is
he gonna be gone?

Till next year.

Yeah? What about Mommy?

She lives in God's house, with
Jesus and Mary and the Ghost,

the long-eared donkey, and
Joseph and the talking walnut.

Who the fuck takes
care of you then?


Yeah? What's her name?


Is Granny spry?


KID: Grandma?

Santa's here.

Oh, Roger,
you're home.

Are you spry?

Let me fix you
some sandwiches.

Are you telling me that
she's the only one here?

Nobody else?

No aunts or cousins or
uncles or anything like that?

A butler or security
guard or something?


You're shitting me.

Does your daddy
have a safe?

Do you need money
to fix your sleigh?


Do you want milk
and cookies?


Should I fix you
some sandwiches?


Does your daddy
have a car?

Bye, Santa!




WILLIE: Oh, Mary!
WOMAN: Go on.

WILLIE: Jesus!


Oh, Sainted.

WOMAN: Keep going.

WILLIE: Jesus Christ!

Yeah, baby!

You ain't gonna
shit right for a week!



It won't happen again,
I can promise you that.

Willie has low
blood sugar, that's all.

That's right, I forgot
to take my pill.

It's not just
the swearing.

Forgive me for prying,
but did one of you...



Yes, with a heavyset woman in
the Big and Tall dressing room?

I've boned a lot of fat
chicks in my time, sure,

but as far as I can recall,
I've never fornicated anybody.

Even still, I think it's best for
all parties considered if we...

If we what?

I have someone else
interested in the position.

Before you do
something stupid,

you may want to
think about this shit.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about firing
a little black midget.

A coloured, African-American
small person,

that's what I'm
talking about.

I'm talking about your
face all over goddamn

USA Today, is what
I'm talking about.

I'm talking about
150 of these little

motherfuckers all
over the sidewalk.

Little picket signs, chanting
and raving, using little bullhorns

and shit like that.

Screaming and
hollering your name out.

"Unfair practices. "
You get me?

No. This is not
a handicapped thing.

I have nothing
against you people.

"You people"?

Did you hear that, Marcus?
He said "you people. "

Who the hell
is us people?

Wait, no. You don't...

What? No.

You know, I think it's best if we
just forget we had this conversation.

Okay. Good thinking.

And don't worry about
us, we'll be fine.

Let's get the hell
out of here, Marcus.

You're pathetic.

WILLIE: I dig that little
thing in your bellybutton.

What is that,
like a diamond?

It's a bellybutton ring.

Hang on a second.
Check this out.

You gotta thrust,
you know what I'm saying?

You got to move the ball
around, know what I'm saying?

See? Move the ball.


You lousy
fucking motherfucker.

That kind of shit's
gonna get us pinched!

She said she was 18.

But you promised
no arcades.

You said you'd only
hustle Big and Tall.

What, you shat me
out of your womb?

You're fucking
my mom now?

I don't need any goddamn
lectures out of you.

I know how to keep
a low profile, thank you.


What the fuck is this,
Mr Low Profile?

Mind your own
goddamn business.


Ever hear of
the open bottle law?

A couple of days ago, I
was in Women's Big and Tall,

and I heard these,


you know, these noises,

and I heard a woman
screaming, "Yeah! Oh, yeah!"

And I heard his
voice saying,

"That's right.
You ain't going to...

"S-H-I-T right
for a month. "

Now, don't get me wrong.

I was against
the Clinton impeachment.

What a man does
with his own penis...

Oval Office,
Women's Big and Tall... not for the
American people to say.

Yeah, right.

But when

you're dealing
with children,

they have
a tender sensibility,

and you are in a position
of trust, I think perhaps

someone who has screaming orgasms
with large women shouldn't...

Of course, I can't
fire him for that.

Yeah. Unfair practices.

Special pleading.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Fucking broads.

I just can't help it, there's
something about the guy

that makes me uneasy.

Well, sure.

Santa fucking
someone in the ass...

So, maybe there's something
I could fire him for.

Yeah, I get you.

Do you?

Do you think you
could find something?

Shit, yeah.
Always something.




Come here!

Screw you, Willie,
and your kinky ass.

Last time, I didn't
shit right for a week.

No, it's not that.

Just come here,
I need to talk to you.


I'm tired of you, Willie.


Who the fuck is in my room?

Did you see somebody
go in my room?

Yeah. Some guy
asking about you.

Looked like a cop.


Marcus, it's Willie. Listen,
I just got back to the motel

and some guy's in there
nosing around in my room.

What guy? You get
a look at him?

No, but I think
he's a cop, though.

Think somebody's onto us?

Is there anything
professional in the room?

No, I just got
clothes in there.

Just ditch, you idiot.

You got anywhere to
sack out for a while?


You're bringing
my present early?


But I never told
you what I wanted.

I said I didn't
bring it, dipshit.

Okay, good. I want
a stuffed elephant.

A pink one.

Wish in one hand and shit in the other
one, see which one fills up first.


I'm gonna be staying
here for a while.

Things are all fucked
up at the North Pole.

See, Mrs Santa caught
me fucking her sister

and I'm out
on my ass now.

She got half
of everything.

Yeah, this is
going to be cool.

This will do fine.


I'm going to be
crashing here.

It'll be just you and me,
like roommates, you know?

Do you and Mrs
Santa have kids?

No, thank
the fuck Christ.

What about the elves?

Well, they stay
with Mrs Santa.

I get them
on the weekends.

Why don't you
go run me a bath?

What about the reindeer?

Would you please
shut up about reindeer?

What are their names?

The elves.

Shit, I can't remember. I
think one of them is Sneezy,

and there's
a Dopey and...

That's the Seven Dwarfs.

Are you shitting me?
I was thinking it was...

I don't know. Fuck, kid, I just
call them, you know, "bub. "

I say, "bub"
or "chief," whatever.

I tell them to
make the goddamn toys.

What the fuck is
wrong with you?

I can't remember
this shit!

Does everything with you
have to be a fucking test?

How old are they?


You want cookies?


Warm milk?

Should I fix you
some sandwiches?

I don't want any
fucking sandwiches.

What is it with you and
fixing fucking sandwiches?

Okay. Do you want
anything else?





I brought you
some orange juice.

What's in it?


Look what I have.

An Advent calendar.

What the hell is that?

It's the story of Christmas,
but in a calendar.

Every day you peel open a new
box, you get part of the story,

and then there's
a chocolate inside.

Do you want to open up
today's box and read it?

No, you go ahead.

Jesus Christ,
kid, watch the nuts!


"So, Joseph went out from the
town of Nazareth, in Galilee,

"to Judea, to Bethlehem,
the town of David.

"In those days, Caesar
Augustus issued a decree

"that a census should be taken
of the entire Roman world.

"Everyone went to his
hometown to register. "

That it?

That's an awesome
fucking story, kid.

There's more to it, but we
have to wait till tomorrow.

Do you wanna
eat the chocolate?

You go ahead.

Are you coming downstairs?

I'll be down in a minute.
I gotta go to work.


Fuck me, fuck you.

You can't just
take up with some kid.

You don't know who's
around or what they do.

You got some nerve,
you little shit.

What, you're my mom now?

You shat me out
of your womb?

You said that yesterday,
you stupid fuck.


Fuck you.

You are, by far, the dumbest, most
pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit

that has ever slid from
a human being's hairy ass.

What if the kid has one of
those play dates they have now?

Are you shitting me?

The kid don't
have any friends.

He don't even have an imaginary
friend, unless he ditched him.

He lives with his drooling
ass old grandmother,

who sits in front of
the TV all the time.

Think she's gonna
rat me out?

She don't know her
ass from last Tuesday.

You fuck her?

Jesus Christ, is everything
fucking sex with you?

With me?
I fuck one person.

I ain't serial fornicating,
trying to float my liver,

drinking myself silly because I
can't stand what a piece of shit I am!

What are you, Sigmund
sawed-off fucking Freud?

Yeah, that's right,
shit for brains.

Go ahead,
talk about my height.

Make it about
something safe,

because you're an
emotional fucking cripple.

Your soul is dog shit.
Every single

fucking thing
about you is ugly.

Come on, Lois,
let's get out of here.

Look who's here, Jimmy.
It's Santa.

Fucking great.

Let's tell him what
you want for Christmas.

I'm on my fucking
lunch break, okay?

Are you insane?

The management's
gonna hear about this.

You think
that's a threat?

If you think you can make my fucking
life any worse, go right ahead.

Be my fucking guest.
Take a shot.


* It's the most wonderful time
of the year

* With the kids
jingle belling

* And everyone telling you
be of good cheer

* It's the most wonderful time
of the year *

Just looking.


Find everything
you're looking for?

Yeah, thank you.

Nothing I can
help you with?

No, I'm just looking at the
games because I have an XBox.

What? Get your hand
out of my pants, man!

If you're stealing from this
store, you're stealing from me.

What is this?

I was going
to pay for it.

Wrong answer.

When I look at you,
you know what I think?

I think America has
a sad future ahead of it,

and you're part of
this sorry-ass generation.

What do you wanna
be when you grow up?

I don't know.

This is MP3?

Take it off.

But my grandmother
gave me this.

Take it off!

I don't care who gave
it to you. Take it off.


I don't care if it
chokes you to death.

Now I want you to get
on out of here. Get!

But can I have...

Get! Happy Kwanza.


And pull your damn pants up!

What's wrong with
you kids these days?

MAN: Gin?

MAN: What do you need?

GIN: I need you to
run a plate for me.

It's Arizona plates.

MAN: Hold on,
let me get a pen.

Is that it?

For Christ's sake, make a move
and stick with it, would you?

King me.

Son of a bitch!

You lousy,
cheating little shit!

You're fucking with me!

You did it on purpose.

You sit there and play like
dead lice are falling off you,

and suddenly you're like fucking
Seabiscuit all over the place.

You're a smartass
is what you are, kid.

Wanna play again?


Howdy. Herb Gunner.

I live two streets over
on Burning Trail Road.

I don't think we've met.


I'm Uncle Willie.

I'm organising
all the decorations

for the
subdivision this year.

You mind if I come in?


I mean, yeah, I mind.

Okay. Will you
be participating

in our luminarias
programme this year?

What the hell
is a lunamaria?


Small sacks filled with
about a pound of sand each.

Then we insert
a candle in the middle,

we light it,
and the bag glows.

Then we line all the sidewalks
here, all around the neighbourhood.

Well, you see, we don't celebrate
Christmas around here, so...

We're Muslims.

Look, this is my
first year running this.

I'd like it if there
weren't gaps in it,

so what if I come by Christmas
Eve and do it for you?

You don't have to
do that. I'll do it.

Me and the kid here,
we'll do something.

I got the supplies.

I'll throw them
in the garage.


I'm going in the garage,
just so you know.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: You can make
a delicious six-pound chicken,

enough hot dogs and sausages
to feed a small army,

not one, but two delicious
rotisserie chickens,

a six-and-a-half-pound
honey ham...

Fuck me, Santa.

freshly-caught whole trout,

a scrumptious six-and-a-half
pound standing rib roast,

and everybody's favourite,
baby back ribs.



SU E: This is such
a nice house.

It needs a woman's
touch, though.

I just rent the
fucking place, anyway.

Yeah, I just
rent stuff, too.


Here's your drink.

How long are
you gonna be here?

On the couch?

No, in town.

Just through
the holidays.

You know,
and then move on.

SU E: Mmm.

So, do you like kids?

Fuck, no!

What do you think,
I'm some kind of pervert?

I just mean because
you're Santa Claus.

I like kids.
I really like kids.

You do?
I love kids.

Oh, yeah, good.

Yeah, they're
something else, kids.

Gotta tell you the truth.

The fact of the matter
is I'm not Santa.

I like you anyway.



So, you'll
call me, right?

Yeah, I'll call you.

I'm gonna buy
you some flowers,

some of those really
good expensive ones.

Shut up.




GRAN DMA: Roger,
you're home.

Let me fix you
some sandwiches.

What the fuck?

Kid, what the fuck
is wrong with you?


Jesus Christ! Let me see it!

What the hell
happened to you?

I cut my hand
by mistake!

Of course it
was by mistake.

Hold still.

I'm just trying
to help you!

I forgot to say it's going
to sting a little bit.

Shouldn't I wrap it in
a T-shirt or something?

God damn it.

Hey, kid?

Kid, you okay up there?

You need a Band-Aid
or something?


Oh, shit.

You're late.

Man, kids.
Let me tell you.


They run you ragged.

Good morning, team.

It's not quite 8:00 yet.

How close are we?

Now it's 8:00.
Merry Christmas.

Up your ass.

God damn it!

You tear your ball again?

I don't think so.

That's it.



God damn it!

don't romance them.

Go on and get in there,
I can take it.



MAN: I got the info on
that Arizona plate.

All right,
now you're talking.

Hold on one minute.

Baby, don't use that.
That's not the stuff.

Use something with
some gloss to it.

Yeah, that Hard Candy,
that's it there.

Let me get some of that.
Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, I'm back.

MAN: The guy's
Roger Merman.

Guess where he is.

Give it to me.


Damn it, what's wrong
with you, woman?


Who are you?

Your name Roger Merman?

Yes, but...

You doing three to
six for embezzlement?

Well, many accounting
questions are not cut and dried.

Do you live at
41 Sage Terrace?

Is it Grandma?
Is my son all right?

They're fine. Do you
have any houseguests?


Thank you for your
time. God bless.

Who are you?


Little trick I learned
up at the North Pole.

If you fry baloney,
it tastes like a hot dog.

I thought you
didn't like sandwiches.

This is not
a sandwich. A sandwich

has two pieces of
bread with junk on it.

It's like a tostada.

This is not a tostada.

Here you go, Granny.

A little salsa here.

Now it's a tostada.

Have you seen my
Advent calendar?

What the fuck is it
with the calendar?

Why are you so
obsessed with that

goddamn thing?
The story sucks anyway.

I think I saw it out
there in the hallway.


I think so.

It looks like someone messed
with my Advent calendar.

What are you talking
about? Let me see.

Nobody messed with it.
It looks fine.


There's a Candy
Corn in this one.

Well, they can't all
be winners, can they?

Well, it's fucked.

Fucked, frankly.


As a fucking whistle.

No. Nothing.

I mean, shit.

He curses.

But never around children.

No criminal record.

No parking tickets,
for Christ's sake.


No bad habits, even.

Sex, yeah. But man
is a sexual being.

Fucking Darwinian.

Can't do shit about that, Jack. No.

Hell, I wouldn't want to.

No, of course not.

I'm not advocating celibacy.

Hope not. It'd be the end
of the fucking human race.


He fucks large women.

What can I say?

Look, it's the
retard again.


ALL: Yeah!


Well, what the
hell do you want?



You probably shouldn't
be digging in your ass.

KID: Santa?

Oh, jeez.

Is that your underwear?

Part of it.

Where the hell
is the rest of it?

No, don't tell me.

I don't wanna know.
What do you want?

I was thinking I wanted a purple
stuffed elephant, not pink.

But now I changed my mind.

Yeah, what?

I don't want
an elephant at all.

I want a gorilla named Davey for
beating up the skateboard kids

who pull on my underwear.

And he can take his orders
from the talking walnut,

so it wouldn't
be my bad thing.

Jesus, kid, when
I was your age,

I didn't need no
fucking gorilla,

and I wasn't as big
as one of your legs.

Four kids beat me
up once and I went

crying to my dad.
Know what he did?

He made it all better?

No. He kicked my ass.
You know why?

Because you went to the
bathroom on Mommy's dishes?

What the fuck? No.

He tried to teach you
not to cry and be a man?

No. It's because he was a
mean, drunk son of a bitch.

And when he wasn't
busy busting my ass,

he was putting
cigarettes out on my neck.

The world ain't fair.
You gotta take

what you need
when you can get it.

You gotta learn to
stand up for yourself.

You have to quit
being a pussy and kick

these kids in
the balls or something.

Or don't. Shit,
I don't care.

Just leave me
the hell out of it.

Now get on out of here.

Okay. Thanks, Santa.


Well, go get the next
lucky boy or girl, okay?

All right, next.

Open the ropes there, Marcus.

I know you?
Not yet.

Seven cities
in seven years.

Pretty impressive.

The store changes,
your name changes.

You always get away clean.

Yeah. Pretty darn

But let's face the facts. You're a
couple of half-bucket smalltimers,

and you, because of your physical
attributes, you found a niche.

I respect that. But
you've also been caught.

By me.

So this is how
it's gonna be.

I don't wanna take over.

I don't even want
to change your scam.

Whatever you
guys do, it works.

All I want is a taste.

When the deal is done,
we part ways.

I buy a little
ranch in Havasu,

and you all take your little
medicine show back on the road.


How much?

No fucking way!
You're out of your mind.

Easy, Willie. Back off.

I got this.

Okay, 30%.
There's three of us.

30%, that's fair.


I meant 33%.
I meant half.

And a third.













Well, what's one point?

We split the dough
down the middle.

Any merchandise you take, I
get to look at and cherry pick.

No! Money's one thing,
but you ain't getting a...

This ain't no
Chinese menu, jack-off.

I tell you how
it's gonna be.

This is prix fixe.

Prix fixe?

He's a fucking moron.

Really? Is that how
you got the upper hand?

Fuck you!

You don't like it?
Next year, fuck off.

I can get another
box jockey.

And I can get
another midget, too.

Yeah, where?

You see us hanging off of fucking
trees like fucking crab apples?

Even if we did,
you'd never front

your own racket.
You know why, Willie?

Because you got
no discipline,

you got zero
fucking initiative.

You'd fall apart
without me.

You're just too
pathetic for words.

You're a fucking loser
and you fucking know it!



Santa will be here real
soon, kids, real soon.

BOY: There he is.

Oh, no.




Sweet Jews for Jesus!

I pissed myself.

What the fuck do you
think you're doing?

You son of a bitch!

Hey, come on!

Get him out of here.

I'll smooth things
over with Chipeska.

Tell him food
poisoning or something.

What do you mean,
get him out of here?

Take him to the car.

In case you hadn't noticed,
I'm a motherfucking dwarf.

So unless you got a forklift
handy, maybe you should lend a hand.

That figures. You want
all kinds of set-asides.

Special treatment because you're
handicapped. You're all the same.

Special treatment?

I'm 3 foot fucking tall,
you asshole!

It's a matter of physics. Draw me a
sketch of how to get him to the car.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Sketch it up,
you fucking moron.

Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.

What'd you call me?

I called you
a fucking guinea homo from

the 15th fucking century,
you dickhead.

I could stick you
in my ass, small fry.

Yeah? You sure it ain't
too sore from last night?

You got some lip
on you, midget.

Well, these lips were on
your wife's pussy last night.

Why don't you dust that thing
off once in a while? Asshole!

I pissed my pants.
GIN: Oh, shut up!




What are you doing?


You going to work today?

Not really.

You just gonna
sit there?

Yeah. Just let
me alone, okay?

Wait a minute. Kid?


I want you to
take this letter.

When the paramedics
come to bag Santa up

there's gonna be
some cops there.

I want you to make sure that
those cops get that envelope.

What is it?

It just tells all
the bad things that...

What the fuck
happened to your eye?

Fucking little prick!


You like to give
little kids black eyes?

How about you?
You want some?

Anybody else? Come on.

Yeah, there you go!

You know, I think
I've turned a corner.

Yeah? You fucking
petites now?

No, I'm not
talking about that.

I beat the shit out
of some kids today.

But it was for a purpose.

It made me feel
good about myself.

It was like I did
something constructive

with my life or something,
I don't know.

Like I accomplished

You need many
years of therapy.

Many, many, many
fucking years of therapy.

You don't drink,
which is smart on your part,

but being sober
can put you at

a disadvantage when
it comes to violence.

Me, I can't box
worth a shit, see?

But I'm good in a fight
because I can't feel anything.

You, you're gonna
feel everything.

Now put your dukes up,
let me see what you got.

MARCUS: This is bullshit!

Give me one good reason why I
should even consider doing this now.

'Cause I let 2,000 kids spit in my
fucking face for your ass, that's why.

I'm asking you
for this one thing.

Come on, look at the kid.

He is pathetic.

I don't know.
He's just a little...

He's a fucking retard.

Yeah, let's show
him a couple of things

so he can
defend himself then.

Unless you're scared.


All right, then, here's
what's gonna happen.

Marcus is
a bully, right?

He's gonna pull
your underwear

up out of your pants.
Now what do you do?

I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

If somebody wants to
pull your underwear

out of your pants,
you have to get mad.

Yeah, kid.
Come on, get mad.

Scream at him.


Jesus fucking Christ.

Listen to him,
he's a fucking faggot.

Loud, scream,
be loud, be mean!

Piss him off! Come on!




You don't hit people in
the balls, you asshole!


What's wrong with you?
He's just a kid!

Fuck you, Willie!


I told you I
didn't wanna do this!

Making me...

(GROANS) Shit.


Kid, maybe you shouldn't
spend so much time around me.

You sneaky little prick.


Fuck you!
You little bastard!

Get off me!



God damn it,
I forgot about that.

Feels like a nursing
home around here.

We can go in
another room.

She does look kind
of still, doesn't she?

Hey, Granny?

Hey, Granny.

Hey there, Granny?

Oh, my God.

What the fuck?

I don't feel shit.


God damn it!
Shit! Jesus Christ!

You're home.

for Christ's sake!

Let me fix you
some sandwiches.



Hello, little boy.

Hello. Santa?

I know that Christmas Eve
is in a couple days,

and you have to
fly around the world

and give
presents to everyone,

and you won't be
around anymore.


So I thought I'd give
you your present now.

What the fuck is it?

It's a wooden pickle.

Why did you
paint it brown?

It's not paint. It's blood from
when I cut my hand making it for you.


Well, shit, kid,
I don't know...


You're welcome.

Good night, Santa.

Good night,
Mrs Santa's sister.

Good night, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

That was so sweet.

He's a really
sweet kid, isn't he?

Yeah, I guess so.

Come on, baby.

Come here.


Oh, nothing.
I'm all right.

I'm just a little tired.



God damn it! Whoa! Shit!

Wanna see
my report card?

You scared the
holy shit out of me.

Think I did good?

How would I know?

I haven't seen
the fucking thing yet.


Who the fuck is Thurman?
Is that you?

Is your name Thurman?


Thurman Merman?



So you think I did good?

What do you care
what I think, anyway?

I guess you did
better than I did.

I never got any B's.

I thought maybe at least
since I did good in school,

maybe you'd
bring me a present?

Because last year and
the year before that,

you didn't bring
me any presents.

Even though I'm
a dipshit loser.

Jesus fucking Christ, kid!

Why do you talk
about yourself that way?

Let me give you some news.

I'm not Santa Claus,
all right?

Take a look at me.

Do I look like Santa Claus?

As a matter of fact,
I'm living, fucking proof

that there's
not a Santa Claus.

I know there's no Santa.

I just thought
maybe you'd wanna

give me a present
because we're friends.

There he is, that lousy,
leather-faced, frog-eyed motherfucker.


Jesus, Mother Mary,
and Joseph.

What is the problem now?

I'm sorry,
but the van stalled.

Will you give
us a jump, please?

I'll be dipped
in dog shit.

Do I look like
an auto mechanic to you?

MARCUS: I appreciate it.

All right, small fry,
help yourself.

I can't reach it.

Jesus Christ,
give me that!


All right, hit it.



Oh, my, what
a terrible accident.

Is he dead?

But it looks like you
broke most of his ribs.

I'd say maybe 50% of them,
or do you think 30%?


I needed more of
a running start.

I couldn't build
up enough speed.




Merry Christmas Eve.

* Have yourself
a merry little Christmas *

I got you
a little something.

You shouldn't have.

Let's put that
shit in the kitchen.

Goddamn, you look good.

* From now on our troubles
will be out of sight *

SU E: Here you go.

* Have yourself
a merry little Christmas *

You're behind
there, sweetie.

We don't need any
more of this shit.

"Christmas keeps us connected
to each other in peace.

"The angel is going to
kill everyone in the world. "


* Here we are
as in olden days

* Happy golden days of yore

* Faithful friends
who are dear to us

* Gather near to us
once more

* Through the years

* We all will be together

* If the fates allow

* Until then

* We'll have to
muddle through somehow

* So have yourself

* A merry little
Christmas now

* Through the years
we all will be together

* If the fates allow

* Hang a shining star

* Upon the highest bough

* And have yourself

* A merry little
Christmas now *

Shit! Jesus!



I was gonna make
some sandwiches.

I could make you
one before you leave.

Listen, kid, I don't know.

I got shit to do
and everything.

Okay, make me
some sandwiches.

I gotta go to the mall and
talk to somebody. I'll be back.

For dinner?

Yeah, that's what I said.

How many sandwiches
do you want?

A bunch.

How much lettuce
do you want?

I don't know,
the usual amount.

Whatever the
hell people do.

Whatever you think.


Have a very merry
Christmas. Good night.

Merry Christmas.

Good night.

Okay. Happy holiday.

Attention, shoppers.

The store will be
closing in five minutes.

We wish you all
a merry Christmas,

happy Hanukkah,
and a joyous Kwanza.

All right,
hold it steady.

Yeah, shit, let's do it.


Merry Christmas.

Good night.

Merry Christmas, Willie.

Up your ass.







That's a Kitnerboy Redoubt.


Remember Andy Pitts?

Andy Pittsarella? Yeah.

No, Andy Rapicki. Andy
Pittsarella was Andy "Blue Balls. "

Since he got married,
we call him Andy Pittsarella.

What's your fucking point?

They say he can
get into anything.

Anything. They say he's been
in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.

And that's a good thing?

So what the fuck
are you getting at?

When I was in the joint
with him, he told me

that the Kitnerboy
Redoubt can't be cracked.

Are you shitting me?

Are you telling me
that after I propped you up,

held you together,
smiled for all those kids,

danced for all
those fucking housewives

in a fucking lime green,
fucking velvet elf costume,

that you cannot get
in this fucking safe?

Is that what
you're telling me?

No, I'm just saying
it's going to take a minute.








Piece of cake.

I gotta get one more thing.
I'll be right back.

Shit. Which one
did he say?


I'll bet the store
dick don't want this.

Store dick
don't want shit.

What do you mean?

Store dick's dead.

Store dick
don't want shit.

He's dead?

I didn't even
know he was sick.

Willie, this has
been a long time coming.

Every year,
you're worse.

Every year,
less reliable.

More booze, more bullshit,
more butt-fucking.

Sure, the three B's.

You gotta be able
to rely, Willie.

You people are monsters.

There's no joy
in this for me.


I'm not talking
about you taking me out.

That part I get.

But look at all that shit.

Do you really
need all that shit?

For Christ's sakes,
it's Christmas.

It is Christmas, Willie,
but this is what we do.

We get the shit.

Christmas time,
we get the shit.

Because we
are men and Lois.

It is Christmas, Willie,
and we are men and Lois.

What you waiting
for, honey?

Come on, plug him.

I've been
waiting for too long.


Goodbye, Willie.

Drop the gun!


And you,
Santa, drop the elephant.

Where did you come from?

Get down.

Shit, the fucking kid.

All three of you are in so much
shit, it's almost unbelievable.

Marcus, hop on!


Fuck me.




This is Christmas, and the kid's
getting his fucking present.

POLICEMAN: Stop, police!
Put your hands up.

I said freeze!




WILLIE: Dear kid,

I hope that you
got my present

and that there wasn't
too much blood on it.

Although there was blood
on the present you gave me,

which didn't keep
me from enjoying it.

So maybe the blood doesn't
matter so much, I guess.

Anyway, just in case
they took it as evidence,

I'm also
sending you a T-shirt.

I hope it's the right size.

I'm healing up good, and they
tell me that I will soon be 100%,

even with eight
bullets dug out of me,

because they didn't
hit any vital organs.

Just my liver,
which is fucked anyway.


Thank you for giving
that letter to the cops.

I forgot I asked you to do it,
but it's a good thing you did

or Santa's little helper
would have plugged his ass.

Now the cops know I wrote it,
which will keep my ass out of jail.

That, plus everyone agreeing

that the Phoenix Police Department
shooting an unarmed Santa

was even more fucked
up than Rodney King.

The cops are treating me
like fucking royalty now,

which is new in
my experience.

They're gonna make me
a sensitivity counsellor,

so that tragedies like this

will never again embarrass
the whole fucking department.

Meanwhile, I told the cops you had
no one to take the fuck care of you.

So they set it up with Mrs
Santa's sister watching you

until your dad gets back
in one year and three months.

They made her a guardian
pro temp, or some such shit.

Anyway, she seems to like you
and your house and Jacuzzi.

I sent her some money, so
if you play your cards right

you can probably get her
to buy you something.

As for my little helper,
I'm sorry to have to tell you

that him and his
prune-faced mail-order wife

will be exploring
mountains with your dad.

I hope your dad doesn't go
sucking shit from them like I did.

They're supposed to let me out
of this hospital room soon,

so get some sandwiches ready.

Until then, don't take no shit
from nobody, least of all yourself.

Your pal, Santa.

Hey, loser.

I hear your buddy's not here
to protect you anymore.

I see you got
me a new bike.

Thanks a lot.

I'm talking to
you, fat-ass!


* It wouldn't be Christmas
without you

* Can't fool me,
I know it's true

* Merry Christmas,
merry la la la

* It wouldn't be Christmas
without you

* Can't fool me,
I know it's true

* Merry Christmas,
merry la la la

* Looked up my friends,
saw the snow

* It's Christmas
and I'm all alone

* Get the eggnog,
ring the bell

* 'Cause Christmas cheer
is all around

* And it wouldn't be Christmas
without you

* Can't fool me,
I know it's true

* Merry Christmas,
merry la la la

* It wouldn't be Christmas
without you

* Can't fool me,
I know it's true

* Merry Christmas,
merry la la la

* Santa Claus is flying high

* Across
the dusky winter sky

* And when
I'm packing in my toys

* Season of that magic
makes noise

* It wouldn't be Christmas
without you

* Can't fool me,
I know it's true

* Merry Christmas,
merry la la la

* It won't be Christmas
without you

* Can't fool me,
I know it's true

* Merry Christmas,
merry la la la *

* Christmas

* The snow's coming down

* I'm watching it fall

* Christmas

* There's some people around

* Baby, please come home

* They're singing
deck the halls

* But it's not
like Christmas at all

* 'Cause I remember
when you were here

* And all the fun
we had last year *