Bad President (2020) - full transcript

Oh, you just cry.

You're just a little crybaby.

That's all you do.

Ahhh.

- Ah, crybaby.

- Crybaby.

Shut up!

Minions, we have a problem.

Do any of you bickering geniuses

know what that problem is?

We have a recruiting problem.

It has been years

since we've had anybody

in the game doing any

kind of fucking damage.

Gonna tell me why that is?

To be fair...

When have I ever been fair?

It's tough out there.

What do we do when

we go out recruiting?

What do we look for?

Greed.

- And?

- Chaos.

Exactly.

- And?

- Rage.

This is what I'm talking about!

Rage against everything

that is decent

in this fucked up world.

Do we have anybody

that'll fit that bill?

The Kardashian sisters.

They're witches!

Succubus.

They can suck a man's soul

and his testosterone

right out of his dick.

Look what they did to Bruce.

They couldn't get the juice.

That dude had potentials.

Find a new Jeffrey

Dahmer or Bernie Madoff.

I know somebody.

Somebody good.

And what makes him a good one?

He's got all three of

our key requirements.

He's a narcissist.

He's Machiavellian-

A psychopath?

A dark triad.

And he wants to be president

of the United States,

which could set a

new record for chaos.

I like it.

Who are we talking about?

Donald Trump.

What? What's wrong with him?

He's a fucking idiot

for number one.

He's perfect.

He has no shame.

Number two,

three, and four.

He's filed for

bankruptcy three times.

He's filed Chapter 11, 11 times.

Everything he's touched

has turned to shit.

If he didn't have a rich father,

this motherfucker

would be working

at Popeye's Chicken selling

that fucking sandwich to people.

That's what makes him

the perfect candidate.

He wants to be president,

the leader of the free world,

and you ,

you can make it happen.

And just imagine all the chaos

and problems he can cause.

I'm telling you, he's our guy.

If he does to the world

what he's done to all

of his companies...

Minions, I think it's time

to tune in to human internet.

Do you like what

you see, Donald?

I do.

Why don't you come over here?

You know, there's nothing

more I love in this world

than a sexy, beautiful woman

or a cheeseburger or money.

You kind of remind me

of my daughter, Ivanka.

Whatever you like, Daddy.

Not even I can make

this fool president.

You know, there's limits to

what I'm capable of, you know?

Ah, you're just being modest.

I'm telling you, this

kind of opportunity

only comes up once every

half-century or so.

When was the last time

you had a candidate

this built for

mayhem and suffering?

Ah, Hitler.

But he was genius.

A mad genius, but genius.

Ah, he's so good.

He's got more credits on

IMDb than any working actor.

He has his own network.

They call it the

History Channel.

Trump is the king of chaos.

You have to admit that.

He does present a

unique opportunity

at this particular time.

After Bush and Obama,

America is ripe for a greed,

racist-driven collapse.

And Trump just might be our guy

to push the whole fucking

thing over the edge, huh?

Yes, Mr. Trump?

Get Michael Cohen in here.

Sit.

I'm not very happy with you.

- Why?

- What's going on with Russia?

There's nothing new to report.

There better be something.

I want a Trump Tower in Moscow.

Russia needs a Trump Tower.

It'll give them

credibility as a country.

I've run into a little

bit of a brick wall.

Nobody's getting back to me.

Well, call Putin directly.

Putin loves me.

Tell him I'm thinking about him,

that we need to get together.

Well, we've reached out to

him through third parties

that are connected to him.

And?

Nothing. Silence.

Well, reach out to him again.

- Yes, sir.

- You know, two years ago,

Putin disrespected me

at the Miss Universe

pageant in Russia.

He said he was gonna show,

he didn't.

Very disrespectful.

So, I need to make this happen.

- Yes, sir.

- I'm not hiring you

to be a loser, to make

me look like a loser.

Am I?

No, absolutely not. No.

Then get the hell out

of here and get it done.

Yes, sir. Absolutely.

I've thought about it.

And you may have a point

about this little Trump guy.

Thank you.

So, let's try a

little experiment,

shall we?

Ha.

You could concede, you know.

Wouldn't that be easier than

facing any more humiliation?

I mean, you're three strokes

down on a five par 18.

And I got arthritis

in both arms.

I never concede, Rupert.

You know that, right?

Okay.

If you'd rather be beaten

by a virtual cripple.

Not gonna happen.

Uh-oh.

See?

If you'd conceded, you

could've avoided that.

I'd never show my face

in this club again

if I hit a shot like that.

It's an embarrassment

to the game.

What happened?

You hooked it, sir.

No shit.

I don't need your help.

I can find my own ball.

I'm not here to help.

I'm making sure you

don't cheat again.

It's a good thing your

real estate game's better

than your golf game,

or you'd be penniless.

But think of the bright side,

you're three shots down,

so this one's irrelevant.

I'm not three shots down,

I'm only one shot down.

Three, Donald.

Don't cheat.

It's unbecoming.

No, give me the three wood.

Are you sure?

If it were me, I'd concede.

This is gonna get ugly.

Let's give him a little help.

See what happens.

He filed for

bankruptcy three times.

What?

In your face, Rupert.

We're tied.

If you don't make par, I win.

And I want cash, not a check.

You might be tempted

to cancel it.

You choked, Rupert.

You lose.

Pay up.

What did you do?

Sell your soul for that shot?

No, but I would have.

I can't believe he's that easy.

Let's go.

How do you explain that shot?

How do you explain that shot?

I can't.

I agree with Murdoch.

You must've made a

deal with the devil.

Who cares?

We won.

Tiffany, get me Tom

- on the line.

- Yes, sir.

Tom, it's Don.

Need to make a move.

Big move.

Biggest move ever.

That's really

saying something, right?

That's saying something.

What's going on?

Well, I can tell you

the last season of "The

Apprentice" is a disaster.

You know what kind

of celebrities

NBC has come up with?

Gilbert Gottfried, Lorenzo

Lamas, and Kate Gosselin.

Who the hell even knows

who Kate Gosselin is?

Lorenzo Lamas, total loser.

And that Gilbert

Gottfried, what a weirdo.

I don't even know

where he came from.

Some other planet. I don't know.

I thought you said

the ratings were okay.

Not anymore.

And I've got even

bigger problems.

I'm up to my ass in debt.

Golf courses and the hotels

are down business-wise.

I'm getting sued by some idiots

that aren't even smart enough

to get into Trump University.

I've got two morons for sons.

Ivanka is married to an idiot

who's running his father's

business into the ground.

I need a change, Tom.

What did you have in mind?

I'm running for president.

Tom, is that you?

Are you laughing?

I have a cold.

Can I count on you, Tom?

This is my best advice: Get

some other reactions first.

See what people say,

then we'll talk.

Good idea.

I knew I was smart

calling you first.

I'll get some feedback.

Everyone will be thrilled.

Everyone loves Trump.

I'm running for president,

and I'm going to win.

That's very funny.

Good luck, Donald, 'cause

you're gonna need it.

Oh, wow.

You're joking, right, Donald?

I never joke. You know that.

I'm serious.

I'm putting you on

the speakerphone.

I have to get ready.

Donald, I have to

tell you something.

Lots of people voted for you,

and you're a fucking midget.

When I was younger,

I was a Boy Scout.

Something I'm sure

you never learned.

I'm tall. Good on TV.

Great on TV.

You have zero chances

of winning the

Republican nomination.

You look like you

need a step ladder

just to get up to the screen.

Good workout.

Daddy.

You're running for president?

No way.

Oh, my God. That

is so wonderful.

I can't wait to

run your campaign.

Over my dead body.

That can be arranged.

Believe me.

We have been

bankrupt five times.

Sometimes, I wish I had

you lobotomized as a child.

Oh, wait, you were.

Did you hear the big news?

No.

I was shopping all day.

Big news, huge news.

Everyone's very excited.

I've never seen

people this excited.

I'm running for president.

You're what?

I'm running for president

of the United States.

You are not.

I just told you I was.

No, you are not.

I will not stand for it.

Does that mean

you're moving back

to Slovenia with your parents?

That is not funny.

I thought it was.

You frighten me.

This is bad idea.

I oppose.

Since when do you tell me

what I can and can't do?

Since you tell me I am the

best sex supply you ever have.

Doesn't matter. I'm still

running for president.

There's nothing you

can do about it.

I'm very upset.

And you know what that means.

No.

You will not be touching

my pussy for a long time.

Oh.

Happy now?

Good luck for president.

Thank you for your support.

Love you too.

Big news.

Tiffany, get me Bob

Greenblatt on the phone.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Donald.

What can I do for you?

How about what you have

not done for me, Bob?

You've not done

anything to bring up

the ratings on

"Celebrity Apprentice."

You've done nothing to

get me better talent.

I mean, I thought

last year was bad.

Gary Busey, Meatloaf,

and Andrew Dice Clay,

they were the worst.

But this year, Lorenzo Lamas?

Nobody cares about Lorenzo Lamas

except other losers

like Lorenzo Lamas.

At least last season, it was

exciting to watch Meatloaf

almost rip off

Gary Busey's head.

That was fun.

We do the best we can.

The show's been

around a long time.

The concept is a little tired.

I'm sick and tired of

your bullshit, Bob.

I'm sick and tired of

shitty celebrities.

I need a change, and I want out.

I want out, Bob.

I'm sorry to hear that, Donald.

Just out of curiosity, what

are you planning to do now?

Besides running

my global empire,

besides being the

biggest celebrity on TV,

besides being the most

handsome man in the world,

a billionaire, and banging

some of the hottest,

I mean, one of the hottest

women in the world,

you mean, besides

all of that, Bob?

We at CBC wish you the best.

And I look forward

to finishing out the season.

With a bang, Bob,

a very big bang.

The biggest bang the

world's ever heard.

One big bang.

Come on, Donald.

We've known each

other for a long time.

Don't leave me hanging

out there like that.

What are you planning?

I'm going to run for president.

Bob, are you laughing?

You stop laughing.

I'm gonna get you.

You better believe it.

You're done, Bob.

You're done!

Wow.

Whoa.

This is some group of people.

Big crowd.

Thousands.

This is beyond

anyone's expectations.

There's never been a crowd

like this, and I know why,

because I've never

actually announced

that I'm running for president

of the United States.

Is this the greatest

thing or what?

Unbelievable.

Let me tell you why I'm running.

The US has become

a dumping ground

for everyone else's problems.

For example, when

Mexico sends its people,

they're not sending their best.

...bringing drugs.

They're bringing crime.

They're bringing rapists.

And some I assume are good

people, but who knows?

Everyone knows I have

the best golf courses

in the world, right?

The best.

And if I'm elected, I won't

have time to play golf.

Our country needs a

truly great leader.

North Korea, they

call him Kim Jong-un.

Supreme leader.

That's what we need.

A book like "The

Art of The Deal."

Have you read it yet?

Wasn't that a great book?

Many people say it's one of

the greatest books of all time.

And frankly, some

people, smart people,

say it is the best

book of all time.

I want you to know I'm

using my own money to run.

And that's because

I'm really rich.

Constantly making money.

I'm even making

money when I sleep.

I will bring it back, bigger,

and stronger than ever before.

And we will make

America great again.

Doesn't that sound great?

Make America great again.

Everybody likes that.

Who came up with that?

He must have been a genius.

Oh, I guess it was me.

Anyway, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, this is the guy I'm

supposed to make president?

I mean, give me a fucking break.

With your help, remember

your objectives.

He's a dream come true.

He's an embarrassment

to God's favorite

creation, humanity.

I mean, look at him.

He eats fucking Mickey

D's all goddamn day long.

He's a walking

fucking heart attack.

He probably hasn't taken a

shit in a year and a half.

Just saying he's full of shit.

He's hanging out

with little Yum Yum.

Chewing bubble gum,

having fun, fun.

Press button again,

missile go boom.

Missile go boom.

You think I wanna deal

with this fucking

shit every day, huh?

No.

I don't like little Yum Yum,

but there's some cute

Korean women over there

I'd like to fuck.

Anyway, they eat too much rice.

I like rice.

Reactions

among New Yorkers

to Donald Trump's

announcement earlier today

that he is running for president

have been swift

and crystal clear.

Almost everyone

thinks he is joking.

And those who believe him say

they are appalled at

the things he said

in the rambling speech

that broke the news.

New Yorkers are either

amused or offended

by Donald Trump's announcement.

You're kidding, right?

Actually, I'm not.

God help us all.

Why do you say that?

I cannot trust a man who

cannot do a proper comb-over.

Is there anything else you'd

like to say about his hair?

His hair looks

like Christmas past

after the eggnog's

been spilled on it.

Thank you.

- Really?

- He's a sexist pig.

What kind of woman would vote

for a philanderer like him?

What kind of woman do you

think would vote for him?

Maybe a stripper or hooker?

I watch on the TV, he call

us rapist and drug dealers.

Pea brain.

Log on to the New York

Daily News website.

Why? You know, I don't

like the Daily News.

Just do it.

Okay.

Unbelievable.

Bullshit.

It's not so bad, Dad.

People love clowns.

Don't they?

I love clowns

and the circus,

with cotton candy.

Cotton candy? Circus?

Get this moron out of here

- before I kill him!

- Dad, Dad.

Your blood pressure.

Oh, right.

All right.

Right.

Don't be afraid.

Go play.

Even though you're a moron,

you know I love you, Eric.

Where were we, Don?

Go back to the news site.

Click on, "See pages

four and five."

Okay.

Scroll down.

Scrolling.

Read the tweets.

That's what they're

saying about me?

You have to know how

the people feel about you.

You know, I don't like

talking about feelings.

What do you think, Melania?

What?

Ivanka?

I love you, Daddy.

That's my girl.

What'd I tell you, boss?

He's the king of

mayhem and destruction.

What psycho would vote

for this son of a bitch?

You can get him all

the votes he needs.

If our people turn out-

Our people have this little

problem called sanity.

Common sense.

Trust me, boss, this may be

the last opportunity you have.

And he's vulnerable now.

He can't tolerate humiliation.

This is our time to move.

Not yet.

Why not?

Number one, things are

gonna get a whole lot worse

for our little friend, Trump.

Number two, I don't even know

if I can work with this man.

Come on, boss, you worked

with Charles Manson.

- Ah.

- Richard Nixon?

- Ah.

- Hitler.

- I know.

- Why the hesitation, then?

Those three gentlemen

had one thing in common.

They were smart.

This dude is dumber than dirt.

And dirt don't think.

I don't even know if

this guy is controllable.

When was the last time you

ran into a genuine dark triad?

Let's just see how

things play out.

We got plenty of time.

Hell is forever.

If a guy from Kenya,

not even born in the US,

can become president,

you can too.

Let's make some

orange juice, huh?

Orange man's gonna do it.

Oh.

Suck it up, Don.

Don't be discouraged.

When the going gets

tough, you get going.

I deserve the finer

things in life.

I'm entitled to a

happy existence.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I'm an attractive person.

I'm fun to be with.

What the fuck?

Well, hello there,

handsome, Mr. T.

Who the hell are you?

I am Billy J.C.-

♪ Ah ♪

Sunday.

You remember me, man,

from your church.

I have no idea what

you're talking about.

Church.

I've never been to church.

When you came in

the goddamn church,

everybody cried 'cause

you wore a helmet

and you were orange, man.

You bumped into shit.

We thought you were blind.

- Really?

- Really.

Look, I just want you to say

these words with me, man.

Look me in the eye.

Say it along with me.

I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

No wonder you got to buy pussy.

Say the shit again.

Come on. Let's do it together.

I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I believed that.

That was fucking good.

This is ridiculous.

Am I being punk'd?

Is James Cameron behind this?

Nobody puts Billy J.C.-

♪ Ah ♪

Sunday up to anything.

I'm doing this 'cause I care

about you, you orange fuck.

Sure.

Good.

Now thank me.

- Are you kidding?

- I'm not!

Fuck you, you little

piece of shit, you.

You fucking thank me, boy,

or I'll jump out

this fucking window,

and I'll make orange juice

out of your fucking ass.

You'll change your

name to Sunny D.

Thank me, fucker.

Thank you.

Now remember,

everything is gonna be fine.

Everything

is gonna be fine.

So, what do you think?

I don't know. You on board?

Oh, most definitely, man.

Now the real fun's

about to begin.

Next time I show up,

I'm gonna be a

guy named Epstein.

- Mm.

- Serving up small children-

On an island called

Fuck 'Em While They

On The School Bus.

I used to live there.

- You lived there?

- Mm-hm.

- Had a lot of fun?

- Mm.

No wonder your name is Shame.

- Thank you.

- That's a fucking shame.

- Mm.

- Anger, you know what to do.

Come here.

Oh!

May I help you?

I'm here to see Donald Trump.

Do you have an appointment?

No, I don't, but I'm sure

he would like to see me.

Why would you think that?

I know that to be a fact.

I'm sorry, but Mr. Trump

is very, very busy.

You can leave a

business card or a note.

I traveled very far

to come and see him.

I must see him.

I will see him.

Please, don't be difficult.

I'm asking you to leave.

I'm sorry.

It's not gonna happen.

So now what?

You're needed at the front desk.

This gentleman needs to be

escorted out of the office.

All right, pal, you got to go.

As I was explaining

to this beautiful,

vivacious young lady here,

I'm not going anywhere

until I see Mr. Trump.

Well, that ain't

happening, so take a walk.

I'd advise you to

back the fuck up.

Is that right?

That's right.

Either I see Donald Trump

or you going to the hospital

with a lot of broken bones.

And I'd really hate to

see that happen to anyone.

Am I making myself

perfectly clear now?

Please inform Mr. Trump

I'm bringing someone up.

Is the temperature

to your liking?

I thought you might

be a little thirsty.

I'm new at this.

Sorry to barge in like this,

but it's very important.

What the hell happened to you?

I told you the pool is

for family use only.

Now I've got to drain it again.

I heard he pissed in it.

No offense, but I'd like to

have a private conversation

with our next president

of these United States.

Do you want me to stay?

You're not here to

assassinate me, are you?

Don, hell no.

I'm a huge fan.

Okay. You can go.

But if you hear any gunshots,

you call 911 and you

rush right back in here.

So, who are you?

What's your story?

You look kind of familiar.

I'm here to help, Don.

Help me how?

Help you become president

of the good old US of A.

Make America great again.

You think I need your help?

Motherfucker, you

definitely need some help.

So, what kind of help

are you gonna give me?

Let's just say I have

the power to intervene

in situations like

nobody else can.

Is that a threat?

I have a very powerful personal

attorney, Michael Cohen.

Maybe you've heard of him.

Absolutely.

He's an idiot.

You know, one day, Don,

he's gonna get you in

a shitload of trouble.

What kind of trouble?

He knows all your secrets.

I know, but I trust

him with my life.

Exactly.

That's the problem.

Forget Cohen.

Let's talk about you.

Give me an example

of the kind of things

you think you can help me with.

Well, do you remember

this amazing golf shot

you had playing golf with

this little troll shit

of a human being with

the last name Murdoch?

How'd you know about that?

That wasn't your shot, Don.

That was my shot.

Or how about the

motivational speaker

who likes to float above water

and have wine on

Sunday afternoons?

That was me also.

Ha ha ha.

That's funny. What do

you think, I'm stupid?

Don't ask me that question.

I'm brutally honest, and

the truth always hurts.

What are you? Psychic?

A magician?

Did you come from

The Magic Castle?

Let's just say I have a unique

set of skills that you need.

Skills, really?

You know who you're talking to?

I'm like the Wizard of Oz.

All-knowing, all-powerful

without the curtain.

Excuse me, Dorothy.

It is precisely

for those reasons

you so eloquently just stated

that nobody, and I

mean absolutely nobody,

including your family,

is gonna believe

you got a chance in hell

of becoming the president.

That's it. You're done.

Get out of here.

And what if I refuse?

I'm gonna get my big,

strong bodyguard in here.

He's gonna rough you up,

throw you out on the street.

I believe that he's

got track shoes on.

He's gonna run like

the bitch he is.

But fine.

Take my card.

When that one brain cell of

yours starts to register sound

in that orange head of yours,

you're gonna realize that

you really, really need me.

And at that moment,

pick up the phone, call.

I'll be here in a flash.

I could make you president

of the United States.

I can guarantee it.

Wait a minute.

If I agree to do this,

what do you want in return?

We'll talk about that

when the time comes.

But in the meantime,

you're gonna run into a

bumpy next couple of weeks.

Will that be you too?

Uh, no.

It's gonna be the media mostly.

Believe me.

Whoa.

Pressure

is mounting

on Republican

presidential candidate

Donald Trump to release

his tax returns.

Even Republican members of

Congress are now urging him

to follow the

long-held tradition

among candidates

seeking the White House.

Last January on NBC's

"Meet The Press,"

Trump told host Chuck Todd

that he would be

releasing his returns.

Well, we're working on

that right now, Chuck.

I have very big returns, as

you know, very big returns.

Some of the biggest

returns ever,

and I have everything

all approved.

Frankly, I have some of the

most beautiful tax returns

that anyone has ever seen.

They're like works of art.

Now that Trump has officially

declared that he's running,

he's changed his

tune a little bit.

Joining me now is one of

Donald Trump's biographers.

Tom, you know Donald

Trump as well as anybody.

What do you make of

his recent vagueness

regarding releasing

his tax returns?

Well, first of all, Anderson,

I do know him as

well as anybody,

but I know him better

than most people.

So, let me just say this first.

Pigs will fly before Donald

Trump releases his tax returns.

And why is that?

Well, because then

we'll see how corrupt

he's been over these years.

And the American people will see

that he goes to great lengths

to avoid paying taxes.

Then why do you think

he ever promised

to release them in

the first place?

'Cause he's a con artist.

And he knows that the people

that support him are stupid.

So, they'll buy his

story that he's avoiding

releasing his tax returns

because he's under audit by

the IRS, which is not true.

Just another Trump lie.

Fake news.

That's what I'm gonna

call it from now on.

Fake news.

Why you call it fake news?

You know it is real news.

You are just making excuses.

Why don't you just read

your stupid magazine?

Fine.

I go to my room,

and I go to sleep.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Okay.

You win.

Here you go.

I am not in mood tonight.

I have bad headache.

Headache? I just

gave you $10,000.

Fine.

You know, you're no

different than a hooker.

I don't care.

Do you?

No.

Do you think I marry you

because you are charming?

Of course.

- Smart?

- Sure.

No.

I marry you to become US

citizen, have easy life.

And if I am your prostitute,

you are my John, and you

only last one minute.

So now we have sex.

We have to do something

about this tax return thing.

The tax thing?

The press is killing me

over this tax return issue.

It's a big surprise, right?

You want my advice?

There needs to be a fire at

your accountant's offices.

We could do that?

No doubt about it.

Great. Then make it happen.

- How soon?

- Whoa, wait a minute.

Are you nuts?

I was just kidding.

I'm not.

We've got to do something.

I'm not releasing my tax return.

So just say that, just put

an end to the speculation.

Great idea.

I mean, who really cares

whether I pay my taxes,

whether I don't, right?

What would you do

if you were me?

Honestly, I'd drop

out of the race.

I think you were out

of your fucking mind

to ever announce

in the first place

that you were running

for president.

Corey?

I'd drop out.

Really? That's the big

advice I pay you for?

It's the best I got.

Sorry, boss.

I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I will not drop out of the race.

I will not release

my tax returns.

I'm a winner, not a quitter.

Are you in there?

No, I'm not in

there, you dumb fuck.

This guy is fucking delusional.

What are you gonna do now, boss?

What I'm really good at.

Turning up the heat.

Dad, you gotta see this.

Oh, I love Forbes.

They love me.

Is it good?

Bad, Dad.

Very, very bad.

Is it the tax thing again?

Worse.

It's about our foundations.

What's the headline?

"How Donald Trump shifted

kids' cancer charity money

into his business."

So, what does the article say?

It talks about St. Jude's

Hospital golf course tournament

and how my foundation

funneled all of the money

back to The Trump Organization.

Read me the worst part.

"All of this seems to

defy federal tax rules

"and state laws that ban

self-dealing and

misleading donors."

Is that it?

It gets worse.

"The person who

specifically commanded

"that the for-profit

Trump Organization

"start billing hundreds of

thousands of dollars for the use

"of Trump National Golf

Club in Westchester County

"to the nonprofit Eric

Trump Foundation,

"according to two people

directly involved,

"was none other than current

"Republican presidential

candidate Donald Trump."

That's definitely the

worst part, right?

Let me read this.

"This maneuver would appear

to have more in common

"with a drug cartel's

money-laundering operation

"than a charity's

best-practices textbook."

Forbes said that?

What the hell are

you going to do?

What I always do.

Now has anyone ever met

a Mexican they can trust?

I don't think so.

That's why they wear these hats.

They can hide your

wallet in here,

your jewelry, pretty

much anything.

They're dope fiends.

You really You really can't

blame them for being thieves.

Republican presidential

candidate Donald Trump

went on an epic

anti-Mexican rant

at a campaign rally

in Texas tonight.

Again, calling Mexicans

rapists and murderers

while wearing a

sombrero and serape.

This recent controversy has

silenced, at least for now,

reports of fraud at The

Eric Trump Foundation

and money laundering at

The Trump Organization.

Am I a genius or what?

Attention diverted,

mission accomplished.

May I get you something

to drink, Mr. Trump?

Not right now, Susan. Thank you.

Whatever you'd like, sir.

Recent reports from Mexico

reveal that Mexican

President Enrique Pena Nieto

was so outraged by

Trump's comments

that he had to be sedated

by his personal physician.

Fucking genius.

I mean, who knew he's a

real master of distraction?

Maybe he doesn't

need me after all.

Oh, he needs you, boss.

You just gotta turn up

the heat, and he'll crack.

I miss you so much.

If only you were here now,

things would be so different.

Uh, give me a minute.

Come in.

What the hell do you two want?

Turn on the TV.

CSN.

What is it this time?

Just do it.

The federal

judge overseeing

the ongoing class-action

fraud lawsuit

against the now-defunct

Trump University has unsealed

the sworn testimony

of a former salesman

for the real estate

educational venture.

And his testimony

is devastating.

Ronald Schnackenberg

testified that, quote,

"While Trump University claimed

"it wanted to help consumers

make money in real estate,

"in fact, Trump University

was only interested

"in selling every person

"the most expensive seminars

they possibly could."

The affidavit concludes, quote,

"Based upon my personal

experience and employment,

"I believe that Trump University

was a fraudulent scheme,

"and that it preyed upon

the elderly and uneducated

"to separate them from

their money," end quote.

As you might recall, based

upon previous court filings,

despite Trump University's claim

that it offered graduate

programs, postgraduate programs,

and even doctoral programs,

it wasn't a university at all.

- Really?

- It was simply

a private company that claimed

to be selling Trump's secrets

to real estate success.

And of course, long before the

fraudulent lawsuit was filed,

many people were asking,

"Who would want the real

estate secrets of a man

"who had gone bankrupt

at least five times?"

Unbelievable.

Other observers are asking

whether the growing

Trump University scandal

will be the thing that

ends Trump's candidacy

before it even gets going.

And of course, the irony

of this news today is that

the judge in the case, US

District Judge Gonzalo Curiel,

is a Mexican American.

We all know judges are

supposed to be impartial,

but after Trump's

sombrero-clad tirade

against the Mexicans

last night, who knows?

Maybe this is revenge.

That liberal left-wing bitch.

Now, there was a time I

would have banged her,

maybe set her up in a condo and

nail her on a regular basis,

she's got nice tits

for a broad her age,

but now she's just a disgrace.

I wouldn't touch her with

Anderson Cooper's dick.

Dad, you need to do something.

The bad news, day after

day, is killing us.

And it's not just

your candidacy.

This whole thing is

gonna start doing damage

to the Trump brand,

to our business.

So, if you're such a genius,

what do you have in mind?

I don't know.

And it might

already be too late,

but you've got to do something.

No shit, Sherlock.

Bingo.

It's time to go.

How the hell did

you get in here?

How the hell do you think, Don?

You flew?

Something like that.

People don't fly.

People don't fly.

Get the hell out of here.

That's just not

gonna happen, Don.

We're friends.

You're my dog.

Keith, get in here.

What the hell are

you waiting for?

Get his ass out of here.

He's trespassing.

Uh, is he dead?

He's just counting

sheep right now.

He'll be fine.

Now, sit down.

Shut up.

Pay attention.

Nobody talks to me that way.

Everybody talks to

you that way, Don.

You're just too

narcissistic to hear 'em.

Do you know why I'm here?

Because you can fly?

No, because you need me more

than you did the

last time I was here.

Yes.

It was just a matter of time

before your dream of getting

back at President Obama

for clowning the shit out of you

at that presidential

luncheon is all over.

You know, he was really good.

I mean, it was funny.

Talked about your hair and

how orange you were, and-

I'm pretty tough.

Nobody's tough

enough to go through

the Normandy storm bombing

that you do every single day.

Ha ha. You obviously

don't know much about me.

I've been dealing

with shit storms

since I was a kid in

the Military Academy.

I thought you had bone spurs

and paid a doctor

a shitload of money

to get you out of the military.

How do you know about that?

I can take your powers

of bullshitting, Don,

to a whole new level.

So, show me. Do something.

- A little experiment, huh?

- A little experiment.

I don't do experiments.

You're either in, or you're out.

You know, no one out

negotiates me, right?

You're correct. You wrote

the book on negotiation.

That's right.

So, are you in, or are you out?

- In.

- Good.

Okay, listen.

This morning, there was

a court hearing in Miami.

One of my painting contractors

is suing me for nonpayment

for some job he did

at the Trump Hotel.

I need you to fix it for

me, is that possible?

Done.

How long will it take?

Watch the TV tonight.

That soon?

I don't waste people's

time, especially mine.

So how much is

this gonna cost me?

Not a dime. It's on the house.

This one's on me.

Oh, I get it.

You want my soul.

Soul.

Don't worry about that.

We'll get to that when

the time comes, Don.

You're not getting my soul.

That's a deal-breaker.

I don't even know

if I have a soul,

but if I do, you're

not getting it.

You have a soul.

It just hasn't been

operational for quite a while.

You're still not getting it.

Fine.

We'll take it slow and easy.

My eyes worked a whole

hell of a lot better

when I was first cast down.

The centuries,

they pass so fast.

Congratulations, boss.

Here's to you and mayhem.

A toast.

A toast to my minions.

Job well done.

Drink up, celebrate.

Get drunk. You deserve it.

Just like Trump, I don't drink.

Now, who's got the weed?

Roll it up.

In other news,

a Miami painting contractor,

who had just won a

120,000-dollar judgment

against Donald Trump for work

done at his local golf resort,

was struck and killed

by a speeding car

this afternoon

outside his office,

just hours after

his court victory

against the Republican

presidential candidate.

We have some breaking news

that I think is going to

shock a lot of people.

For the first time

since announcing

his candidacy just a month ago,

Donald Trump now leads the

entire Republican field

of presidential candidates.

That's according to a

new poll out tonight

from USA Today and

Suffolk University.

What do you say now?

I'm the front runner for

the Republican nomination

for president of

the United States.

I don't even know what to say.

Of course you don't, idiot.

Shut up and drink your water.

I think is great.

Maybe we can go

shopping for celebrate?

There's nothing more you need.

You can take me shopping.

There's lots of things I need.

Of course, pumpkin.

Whatever you want.

This is gonna be

great for business.

The Trump brand will

be hotter than ever.

Everyone will want

in on our deals.

Did you hear that, Eric?

He's the smart one.

He's got the big ideas.

He gets it.

Can you rename the White House,

the "Trump White House"

and put a logo on it?

That's not bad.

I kinda like it.

Good idea, Eric.

See, everybody, once in a while,

he comes up with a bright idea.

Makes me think he's

not really a retard.

No, I think he's retarded.

So what do you

think now, Rupert?

Still think Trump as

president is funny?

Yeah.

It's even funnier than

the last time you said it.

Piece of shit.

Now, I think that the joke is on

the country and the world.

You know what, Michael?

I think you need some of

that growth hormone stuff.

Then, maybe you'll be tall

enough to run for president.

In the meantime, you

can just be jealous.

Wow.

What a jerk.

God.

Well, surprise, surprise.

So what should I call you?

I've had many names

over the centuries.

Luther will do.

You're doing a

great job, Luther.

Great job.

I just made an amazing deal.

Smart deal.

You want some chicken?

No GMOs.

Look, Donnie, I just

dropped in to say

it's time to step up your game.

You're a master of distraction.

I've never seen

anything like it.

You could fuck up,

and people think

it's the biggest fuck up ever,

and you've got one bigger and

loaded up for the next day.

Distraction after distraction

till everybody's just fucked.

I love it.

We got to press the

envelope even further,

build the momentum.

I can do momentum.

So this "press the

envelope" thing, any ideas?

How about flaming the

fire with old John McCain?

Now, that would be fun.

That would be fun.

I can do fun.

Do it.

Mr. Trump, we've

polled our readers.

And this is the number one

question they'd like to know:

You're famous for

applause lines.

And people do love that.

But referring to

Mexicans as "rapists"?

Referring to John

McCain, a war hero,

five and a half years as a

POW, and you call him a "dummy"?

Is that appropriate if

you're running for president?

You have to let me speak

because you're interrupting

me all the time, okay?

Let's take John McCain.

I'm in Phoenix.

We have a rally that's

going to have 500 people

at The Biltmore Hotel.

We get a call from the

hotel that it's mayhem,

thousands and thousands

of people are showing up

three or four days early.

So we move it to the

convention center.

We have 15,000 people,

the biggest crowd ever.

Bigger than Bernie Sanders.

And the people who show up

at the event are

incredible people

that were wonderful

great Americans.

I will tell you,

John McCain goes,

"Oh, boy, Trump makes

my life difficult."

He had 15,000 crazies show up.

Crazies.

He called you all crazies.

I said, "They aren't crazies.

"They are all great Americans."

He insulted everyone

in that room.

So I said, "Somebody should

run against John McCain,"

who's been, in my

opinion, not so hot.

He ran for president against

a black guy from Kenya.

Somebody who wasn't

even a real American.

Somebody who's illegal as

a candidate, and he lost.

So I didn't like him

as much after that

because everyone knows

I don't like losers.

But he's a war hero.

He was a war hero

because he was captured.

We're just a few hours into

a breaking political story

with major

implications for 2016.

At a conference of religious

conservatives today in Iowa,

Donald Trump said Senator

John McCain is not a war hero.

The firestorm has been nearly

instant, and it is intense.

Our man on the ground

is live in Ames, Iowa,

with reactions from

other 2016 candidates,

and also the prospective

voters behind him.

A defiant Donald Trump says

he will not apologize

for his remarks

about Senator John

McCain's military service.

Trump suggested he

admires veterans

who were not captured, over

POWs, particularly John McCain.

He was a war hero

because he was captured.

Former Florida Governor,

Jeb Bush, tweeted,

"Enough with the

slanderous attacks.

"Senator John McCain and all our

veterans, particularly POWs,

"have earned our respect

and admiration."

Do you believe this?

Unbelievable.

South Carolina Senator

Lindsey Graham tweeted,

"If there was ever any doubt

"that he should not be

#GOP standard bearer,

"his growing mountain

of stupid statements

"should end all doubt."

Unbelievable.

Cox News.

Ah, I love this network.

It's always full of shit.

I love this. I love this, man.

Man, he's the king of mayhem.

You think shit like

that'll get him elected?

He definitely needs

to clean up his act.

But once he's elected,

he's a dream come true.

I mean, my favorite part

of American history was

the Great Depression.

But when this guy Trump

gets in the White House,

ah, he could bring down

society as we know it.

Mm.

I mean, all he really needs

is just a little... coaching.

Got a lot of nerve showing

your face around here.

Why's that?

You gave me lousy advice.

What are you trying

to do? Sabotage me?

The McCain thing.

Good guess.

I told you to put a

little flame to a fire,

not set the whole

fucking country ablaze.

Well, next time you

give me some advice,

be a little more clear.

I'll give you that.

You're making a big mistake

if you're gonna mess with Trump.

Nobody messes with Trump.

- Really?

- Really.

Don't ever forget

who's in charge

of this little production.

No offense, but you're

the biggest fuck up

I've ever come across.

How'd you ever become rich?

Oh, yeah, your

daddy made you rich.

You're daddy's little

rich, snotty nose brat.

How dare you talk...

Shut up and listen.

If you're serious about becoming

president of the United States,

I suggest you stop fucking

up and acting like a lunatic.

I'm counting on you.

To do what?

Make America great

again, of course.

Donald Trump has reached

another milestone

in his quest for the GOP

presidential nomination.

According to a new poll

out this morning from

ORC International,

the renegade Republican

business tycoon

is at an all-time high

in terms of support

from Republican voters.

Yes, this order

is very important.

National security.

I want a Trump taco

bowl, a Diet Coke,

and two scoops of

chocolate ice cream.

Make that three scoops.

Big news this afternoon.

Releasing my big tax plan,

biggest tax plan ever.

What's in it?

I have no idea.

My people say it looks terrific.

Tax cut for the middle class?

Ugh.

Maybe. Who knows?

But it's a big tax cut for us.

So you don't know

what's in it, then?

Doesn't matter.

As long as it gets rid of

the alternative minimum tax

and the estate tax.

That way, it'll save

me 30 million a year,

and you billions when

I go and you take over.

That's great, Dad.

I am so proud of you.

I'm proud of you too,

Don, even you, Eric.

I think I'm gonna cry.

After initially pledging

that he would self-fund

his presidential campaign,

Donald Trump raised

more than $3.5 million

from individual donors

over the last two months.

That's according

to documents filed

with the Federal

Election Commission.

When asked why Trump

has contradicted

his original claim

to use his own money,

campaign spokesperson

Hope Hicks responded.

Mr. Trump is just

responding to the enthusiasm

of ordinary Americans

that wish to support him

with their hard-earned money.

America loves Trump.

Look at her, Dave,

isn't she fantastic?

Look at those all-American tits.

They're not that big.

Usually, I don't like 'em

unless they're monster hooters,

but there's something about her.

Maybe it's that

her name is Hope.

Quite frankly, I

hope to bang her

before this thing's all over.

That's what we love

about you, Donald.

How much money we making

on the campaign so far?

You mean, besides using

campaign funds for rent here?

Um.

I'm not sure. Why?

Remember I told

you I was gonna be

the first candidate

ever to make a profit

by running for president?

Now that the cash is flowing in,

we need to maybe figure

out a few other ways

to generate some income,

like charging the Secret

Service to use golf carts

and gouging the

press for everything.

My base loves it when

we gouge the press.

It's brilliant.

You're a genius.

Why didn't I think of this?

Very good question.

So, go get me a cheeseburger.

You know, I've been thinking

a lot about this Muslim thing.

Muslim thing?

What Muslim thing?

You know what I mean.

No, I don't.

How do you feel about Muslims?

I don't know any Muslims.

I think most people

don't like Muslims.

I know my base doesn't.

They think Muslims

are terrorists.

Maybe they are,

maybe they aren't.

I'm not sure, but I've got to

come up with a Muslim plan.

I've talked about it.

Haven't really done

anything about it.

I need to come up with a plan

so everyone knows I'm

on top of the issues.

Hmm. Before Muslim

plan, I'm hungry.

Can we have food?

Do you want Indian or Chinese?

Hello, I'm Gary Ward

with "Millennium News."

I'm here at the headquarters

of Republican candidate

Donald J. Trump

who's now making his

bid for president.

How are you today, Mr. Trump?

Thank you for having me, Gary.

Let's get right to it.

Let's talk about your

immigration policies

regarding Muslim Americans.

Now, you've suggested that maybe

we should increase

surveillance on these citizens?

As you know, Gary,

France recently declared

a state of emergency,

closed their borders,

and ordered searches

without warrants

in order to protect

their country.

Do you think that we're

in a state of emergency?

And should Muslims in

this country be subjected

to warrantless searches?

Well, we have to do something.

Last Friday, 130 innocent

people, good people,

were massacred in

Paris by terrorists.

These people are animals,

and we need to do

something to protect

our people in our country.

What are the type of policies

that you would have in place

to protect our citizens,

as well as our borders?

I'm not sure yet,

everything's on the table.

Got to keep our eyes open

on all these mosques.

See who's coming, who's going.

Be vigilant and safe.

So, you've also suggested

a Muslim registry.

Would that be at the

forefront of your policies

on immigration as well?

It's too early to say that,

but, as you know, Gary,

in this country, by law,

everyone needs to

register their cars,

register their guns and

weapons, so why not our Muslims?

Wouldn't that be eerily similar

to what happened to Jewish

people in Eastern Europe,

right before World War II?

I can't comment on any

decisions that were made

by another administration

in World War II. I can only

comment on my campaign for

president right now.

Well, thank you very much,

Mr. Trump, for the interview.

I watched TV last night,

and I saw our president

talking about Islamic terrorism

and the recent attacks in Paris.

Didn't know what the hell

he was talking about.

He has no idea what's going on,

and he refuses to use the term

"radical Islamic terrorism."

Now look,

we all know our current

president is not American.

He's from Kenya, okay?

So what the hell

should we expect?

Africans have no

schools, no food.

They live in mud huts.

So let's give Obama a break,

but I'm telling you,

we have to do something

about what I call

"the Muslim problem."

And so tonight, I'm

announcing that I'm calling

for a total and

complete shutdown

of Muslims entering

the United States

until our country's

representatives can figure out

what the hell is going on.

I mean, let's face it, folks,

Muslims are not like us.

They're deranged with

all this jihad stuff.

So, we need to keep

'em out of our country.

This guy could single-handedly

start a holy war

between the Christians

and the Muslims.

Besides not being a very

good public speaker,

he could rival Hitler

when the time comes.

That's only true if he wins.

You really think he could win?

You doubt me?

No.

We got a long way to go.

But in the immortal words

of Dr. Martin Luther King,

"We're gonna get to

the Promised Land."

What about, "We have a dream?"

It became a nightmare

when I got involved.

Don't doubt this guy.

Don't underestimate our friends.

There's a lot of good

shit going on out there.

Let's just sit back

and watch it play out.

He is the guy.

This is an interesting

development.

It's not your doing?

Vlad has an independent streak,

and a lot of great ideas.

I bet you he's got something

up his sleeve on this one.

We'll see.

You look so beautiful.

What is it? Come in.

Very good news.

The Russians are on board.

Great.

I knew this would work out.

Putin loves me, loves me.

Frankly, I think he's jealous.

So, what do we do next?

Putin has a whole bunch of

the psycho bitch's emails.

When the time is right,

they're gonna release

them through WikiLeaks.

Good work, Don.

Let's hope they do it

in the right timing.

Timing is everything

in life, right, kitten?

You're always right, Daddy.

Doesn't this ever get old?

Never.

I missed you.

I've been watching.

And I have to say, Don,

I'm thoroughly impressed.

That was you, made me

bulletproof, right?

What can I say?

I'm a man of my word.

I'm kidding!

I'm tanking in the polls.

Who knew?

So, what do you want?

That's a loaded

question, isn't it?

I'm sure you didn't fly

in here just to chit chat?

Of course not.

So, what do you need?

Election night's in

less than a month.

And as of right now, you

have zero chance of winning,

even if we could stop

you from sabotaging

your stupid ass self,

but everybody knows

that's impossible.

Look, Don, if you really

want this presidential thing,

I think it's time we

solidify our relationship,

if you catch my drift.

I told you before,

any kind of serious

pact is off the table.

If you wanna help me, which

according to the past,

haven't been helping

me that much,

but if you feel like

you need to help me

for your own reasons,

that's your business.

It's our business.

What are you saying?

We're partners?

Well, not as of right now,

but I believe it's time.

Oh, right. The soul thing?

Ah.

Not happening.

I told you, you need me

more than I need you.

We need each other.

We have the same

goals in mind, Don.

And what is that?

A positive, righteous,

resounding victory.

Somehow, you and righteousness

doesn't really sound

that great together.

You know, I can say the

same thing about you, Donny.

No offense.

You're wasting my time, Luther.

I guess we'll see what happens

when election time comes.

In the meantime,

get out of here.

No offense.

So that's it?

That's it.

No deal?

No deal.

Okay.

You ever see "The Exorcist"?

Within just hours of

the release yesterday

of an audiotape of Donald

Trump making lewd comments

about his offensive and possibly

illegal treatment of women

to "Access Hollywood"

cohost Billy Bush,

his fellow Republicans

nationwide

have loudly condemned him,

with a number of them

demanding that he step aside

as the GOP candidate

for president.

On the tape, first reported

by "The Washington Post,"

Trump made shocking statements

that many people now say

have destroyed his candidacy

just one month

before the election.

You know, Billy,

I'm automatically attracted

to beautiful women.

I just start kissing them.

It's like a magnet.

I just kiss.

I don't even wait.

And when you're a star,

they let you do it.

You can grab anything.

Grab them by the pussy.

Reaction to Trump's comments

has been swift and unequivocal.

Former Secretary of

State Condoleezza Rice

wrote on Facebook, "Enough.

"Donald Trump should

not be president.

"He should withdraw."

Republican Utah Senator Mike

Lee has also called on Trump

to step down as the GOP nominee.

And House Speaker Paul Ryan

called Trump's

remarks reprehensible.

This better be good.

I've just been through hell.

Congratulations, Dad.

You've fucking outdone

yourself this time.

Huh?

How come you never told us

it's okay to grab

women by the pussy?

That makes it way easier

to get laid, right?

What are we

gonna do now?

Look, I already

made a statement,

regretting all those

terrible things

I said over 10 years ago.

The statement was great.

Really great.

The story is getting

bigger, not going away.

Maybe you could

just say that women

actually like being

grabbed by the pussy,

that it's like a caveman thing.

That'd be cool.

Shut up, Eric.

Every time you open

your stupid mouth,

I wish you weren't mine.

Wait a minute.

The timing of all this

is very suspicious.

I think I know what's happening.

So, put Michael Cohen on 'em.

Have him bring in

some of his muscle.

I'm not sure that's

gonna work this time.

Muscle always works.

And Michael can fix anything.

That's what you

always say, right?

Maybe not this time.

You think you're pretty

clever, don't you?

You can't intimidate me.

I'm the one who does

the intimidation, okay?!

So good luck with your agitation

and your Beelzebub bullshit!

Fuck you, Luther!

Lucifer, whatever the fuck

you wanna call yourself.

There's a reason you're in hell,

and you're gonna

fucking stay there!

You got it?!

Just days after an old

"Access Hollywood" tape

embroiled Donald

Trump in a firestorm,

new allegations of sexual

assault are being made

against the Republican

presidential candidate.

Among them is a writer

for "People" magazine,

who says that Trump sexually

assaulted her in 2005

when she went to his

Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida

to interview him for a profile.

Natasha Stoynoff claims that

after Melania Trump had

left the room, Trump, quote,

"Pushed me against the wall

"and stuck his tongue

down my throat."

Do you believe her?

What is she? A two?

Maybe a three?

Everyone knows I don't do

anything less than an eight,

especially if I'm married.

Stoynoff's accusations

are reinforced

by the comments Trump made

to "Access Hollywood"

cohost Billy Bush,

in which he clearly said

he often kissed women

against their will and grabbed

them by their private parts.

Last Sunday evening, after

the presidential debate,

I asked Trump whether

he ever kissed women

without their permission.

"I have not," Trump insisted.

I always knew your dick

would be the end of ya.

You're always jealous because

I have more women than you.

That's true.

My sex is consensual.

Not funny.

But true.

Have you seen her

show, "The Writer"?

What a joke.

She's a total dog.

Everybody knows I don't do dogs.

Believe me.

Never, ever.

Ever.

Dammit!

Fuck!

You're not gonna break me.

I never lose, ever!

And I'm sure as hell

not gonna submit to you.

So, bring it on!

Give it your best shot, bitch.

What the hell happened, Michael?

All these women are coming

out of the woodwork.

You said it was taken care of.

I thought it was.

So, what happened?

Look, there are only so

many hours in the day.

I mean, I'm focused on

the most serious cases

from the most recent past.

I mean, I didn't think they'd

go back five or 10 years.

You said this was taken care of.

I'm sorry.

I guess I misspoke.

Well, you better

fix this, and fast.

All right, what do

you want me to do

about it at this point?

Put your finger in the dyke.

Are you fucking a lesbian?

No, you idiot.

It's an expression.

You've never heard the saying,

"Put your finger in the dyke"?

I don't know, I just...

Whenever I hear that word,

dyke, I just, you know?

Sometimes, I think you're

stupider than Don Jr.

and Eric put together,

if that's even possible.

Now, get the hell out of here

and get this taken care of

before I kill you and fire you.

Yes, sir.

Moron.

It's Armageddon time, Luther.

You hear me?!

He can't hold out much longer.

Although I'd have to say

he's a little tougher than I

thought he would be to rope in.

But a couple of more real

good shots right to the nuts,

and we'll have him

right where we want him.

Now, it's time to have

some real fun with him.

And hit him where it hurts.

This is Michael.

It's Angelo.

You got a problem in the making.

You need to get on it, like now.

Is this a Trump problem?

A big Trump problem.

What else is new?

What is it this time?

Does the name

Stormy Daniels ring a bell?

Like a fucking fire alarm.

- What is it?

- She's preparing to go public

about her night with shithead.

I warned him that

she was probably

the worst mistake

that he has ever made.

Well, pal, you

better correct the mistake.

Quick.

Capiche?

Yeah, on it.

This guy's gonna fucking

kill me, I swear.

I swear!

- Hey, hey.

- Hey.

Mr. Davidson?

You look great.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

Come on in.

So, do I call you Mrs.

Daniels or Miss Clifford or...

Stormy.

The only people who call me

anything else are my

mother and the IRS.

And trust me, you don't wanna

be associated with either.

I assume you know about me.

You know, the kinda

things I do for people.

Your reputation precedes you.

Well, I know that, sweetie,

but why don't you enlighten me

and tell me how you know that?

We have a mutual friend

who told me that

you're responsible

for the deal between Trump

and the "Enquirer" and

that Playmate chick?

Karen McDougal.

That's the one.

Yeah. I made her a lot of money.

I'm guessing you

want a similar deal?

Not exactly.

I was contacted by Trump's

attorney, Michael Cohen?

Never heard of him.

Anyway, in light

of Trump's recent,

shall we say, escapades,

I was considering coming forward

about a night of consensual

sex I had with him.

Golf tournament,

Lake Tahoe, 2006.

Stormy, if the sex

was consensual,

what are we even doing here?

Well, 'cause of all

the bad publicity

he's received in

the last two weeks,

Trump's pretty freaked

out that if it got leaked

he had sex with a porn star,

it would be the end

of his campaign.

They wanna silence you?

Mm.

With a nondisclosure

agreement, I'm guessing?

Now you're catching up.

Okay. We got something

to work with.

ND...

So, I'm assuming that you'd

rather take the money than...

Than what?

Let the entire world find

out that I had sex with that?

Absolutely!

And his attorney has

threatened to destroy me.

Well, you think they

could actually do that?

Duh.

I'm a porn star.

Well, is this Mr.-

- Cohen.

- Cohen.

Has he made any kind of

formal offer in writing?

He just said, find an attorney

and have the guy

contact him ASAP.

So...

The election is in two weeks.

Hence the "ASAP" part.

So, let's just

say that in return

for me getting you the best

cash deal that I can get,

are you willing to sign an NDA?

You bet.

And what if we

can't make the deal?

Then I go public in a very big

but tiny way.

And why would you say that?

I can describe Trump's

dick in perfect detail.

So accurately that

Melania and every woman

who's had the unfortunate

experience of being with him

will know that I'm

telling the truth.

And it's not a pretty picture,

if you know what I mean.

I'm trying not to imagine it.

Yeah. I think we're

onto something here.

I think, me and you,

we see eye to eye.

And, Stormy, I

wanna let you know

that I have your best

interest right here.

I bet.

130 grand, is that the

best deal you could get?

It's 20 grand cheaper

than Karen McDougal.

And it's a hell of a lot cheaper

than some of the other broads

I've been taking care of.

And let me tell you

something, this Miss Daniels,

she's way more dangerous

than any of them.

Why is that?

Because she's a porn star, duh.

She's willing to describe

your cock, in detail,

to the American public.

Worse than that,

directly to Melania.

And then you got a far more

expensive problem to deal with.

So, 130 grand, she goes

away, with an ironclad NDA?

Guaranteed.

What do you need from me?

You pretend you're a guy

named David Dennison,

then you reimburse me

after I make the payments.

Why can't I just

write her a check now?

No. No, we need to have a

cover story, just in case.

And that cover story,

if we ever need it,

is that I paid her

out of my own pocket.

And then I reimburse you?

Yeah, through small

monthly payments,

you know, like a retainer's fee.

Trust me, I do

this all the time.

And this can't come

back to haunt me?

Never.

Don't mean to interrupt.

I know you're eating dinner,

but it's an emergency.

Have a seat.

You want some vodka?

It's the best.

I made it last weekend myself.

Look, I've known you

since you were a

youngster in the KGB.

You know by now, I don't drink.

What can I do for you?

Donald Trump.

Our presidential candidate

in the US election?

I need to get his attention.

He's a tough guy.

Oh, you kill me every time.

He's a fucking idiot.

A fucking suka.

You can say that again.

But, a useful suka.

Are you going to recruit

him, to the team?

I want him to be president

for reasons other than your own.

I want him to be president

because he's not

Hillary fucking Clinton.

Hillary Clinton was quite

an intellectual fat

booty white bitch.

She would have fucked up

my international plans

for world dominance

and confusion.

What do you want me to do?

2013, Miss Universe contest.

Prostitutes, golden shower.

Video on Obama's bed.

Precisely.

I like it.

I show my friends.

That's your business.

I thought you said you

want him to be president.

I do.

Seems to me you want to

destroy him and humiliate him.

Humiliation, unfortunately,

is the only thing this

idiot understands.

He has one brain cell,

and it's stuck on stupid.

Have you explained

to him the benefits?

Benefits, you asked for all

of this, you have all of it.

I deliver.

This one's a different

kind of a brain.

He's delusional.

He thinks he's worth a

trillion fucking dollars.

He's broke on nine continents

and there's only seven.

Look, man, the election comes

up in less than a month.

I need to close my

deal with Trump.

I got the machines.

You make it look good.

You have my word.

Okay.

We work together.

Now, show me the room where

this pissing took place.

Yes?

You have

a call from a woman

who says you know her.

Does she have a name?

She says she

wants that to be a surprise.

I don't like surprises.

Get rid of her.

No problem.

Yes?

She says the

call is very important.

At least I think that's what...

You're not sure?

She's hard to understand.

She has a very thick accent.

Accent. What kind of accent?

I'm guessing,

but I think she's Russian.

Did she say anything else?

Just that she has

a big surprise

for you from your

friend, Vladimir.

She wants you to come to

see her and her girlfriend

at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel.

Put her through.

Hello, sexy man.

This is Nathalia from Moscow.

You remember me?

Hello, Natalia.

How are you, darling?

I'm very good.

I'm here at the Ritz-Carlton,

in Washington, with my friends.

Oh.

Alexandra and Olga.

You remember them too?

Hi.

Of course I remember them.

Who could forget them, yes?

Certainly not you.

Mr. Putin sent us,

and he sent a surprise.

You must come over.

Uh, did he say what

kind of surprise it was?

You mean beside us?

Don't play games.

I don't like games.

Do you remember game

that we played in Moscow?

Oh.

You must come over, tonight.

Mr. Putin insists.

I'm sorry, ladies.

I can't do this.

No.

Don't you want us to

pee-pee on you again?

No!

Didn't I tell you

not to hire hookers

to pee in Obama's bed?

But you couldn't just control

yourself, as per usual.

I hope you're happy.

I think I know

what's going on here,

and it's nothing

short of blackmail.

But by Putin? That

doesn't make any sense.

He saved your ass by

dropping Hillary's emails

after the disaster of the

"Access Hollywood" tapes.

I'm not talking about Putin.

All right, well, then,

who's blackmailing you?

I can have them taken care of.

Not this time. This is

something different.

Then you better wise up

and face facts, Donald.

You're gonna lose, and

you're gonna lose big.

I never lose.

And I'm not gonna

lose now, understand?

Gotta tell you, Luther,

really love what you've

done with this place.

Gotta give you credit.

The Russian hookers and their

big surprise was a nice touch.

You know, you were a

rough nut to crack, Trump.

Just so we're clear,

this deal is involuntary.

Quite frankly, it's extortion.

Exactly.

What about the polls?

The bad press?

All the late-night jokes?

Meaningless.

You know, the polls

haven't been wrong

in a presidential election

since Dewey and Truman.

There's a first time

for everything, Donny.

So, what do you need from me?

For starters, I want this

inaugural to be dark,

very dark.

I want you to make

George W. Bush

and Dick Cheney

look like optimists.

Done.

You and I are gonna

have a whole lot of fun

once you're on the team.

What about Putin?

Is he on the team?

Putin is one of the star

players of this team.

I also got Kim Yum Yum

starting at center.

Once you're in that

office, sky's the limit.

Anything else?

That's it.

The art of the deal.

The art of the deal.

Welcome to the game.

Take your seat.

Feels good.

Very presidential.

In his first words to

the nation and the world

after being sworn in as

president of the United States,

Donald Trump, on Friday,

delivered a populist manifesto

that depicted the U.S.

as a wasteland of

abandoned factories,

economic angst, rising

crime, and dystopian carnage.

Reciting a litany of

devastating criticisms

of the country,

including gangs, drugs,

crime, poverty,

and unemployment.

Trump told the nation,

"This American carnage

- stops right here."

- A demoralizing tirade

left many observers with

one single question:

Does Trump really hate America?

I don't think so.

Everything works out in the end.

Plane crash.

Car wreck.

Shoot your mama.

Here's to our greatest

accomplishment,

a complete definite dark triad.

How bad can it get?!

Bad.

Very, very, very bad!

Especially if you're Muslim.

As-salamu alaykum.

Or you a Mexican.

Taco, burrito.

Yeah!

Or you's a Jew!

Yeah!

It's all mashugana.

- Yeah!

- Or you a negro.

Wells, I don't know.

Or you's a African American.

Well, chronologically speaking.

Yeah!

Or you black!

Hey, dog!

Everybody in trouble is

what I'm trying to say.

If you breathing,

your ass gonna get it

with this orange

motherfucker that I got!

Now, some more hell.

Keep it coming.

Would you like some

dinner, Mr. Trump?

Sounds good.

We have chicken.

Would you like

leg, thigh, breast?

Better bring the whole chicken.

You got it.