Bad Moms (2016) - full transcript

Amy has a seemingly perfect life - a great marriage, over-achieving kids, a beautiful home and a career. However, she's overworked, over-committed and exhausted to the point that she's about to snap. Fed up, she joins forces with two other over-stressed moms on a quest to liberate themselves from conventional responsibilities - going on a wild, un-mom-like binge of long overdue freedom, fun and self-indulgence - putting them on a collision course with PTA Queen Bee Gwendolyn and her clique of devoted perfect moms.

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I'm Amy Mitchell,

and I'm a mom.

I had my first kid

when I was 20 years old,

and I've been

running late ever since.

My days are filled with

dropping the kids at school...

Love you.

...then racing to work

where I have meeting,

after meeting,

after meeting.

I usually end up eating

a shitty lunch at my desk,

and I try to work

out once a week.

Why do I suck at Zumba?

Most days, I race back to

school for the kids' plays,

and poetry readings

and class projects...

Mom!

...which I'm always late for.

Sorry.

And then

there's PTA meetings,

and volunteering and

parent-teacher conferences.

Jesus, Miss Wiggins

fuckin ' hates me.

At least once a day,

I feel like the worst mom in the world,

and I cry in my car.

Then I shuttle the kids to

piano lessons and soccer games

and dance classes

and doctors' appointments,

before my daily trip

to the grocery store.

Ugh.

This chick seems like

she's got it all figured out.

But I feel like I'm

screwing up all the time.

Still, I love being a mom.

Here, baby. There's your

organic turkey club sandwich,

and Dylan, here's your peanut-free

peanut butter for lunch.

What's peanut-free

peanut butter?

I have no idea.

Baby, here's your American

history project I made you.

I hope you like it.

I love you.

I love you!

Oh, my God, Mom!

Not so loud! My God.

I love my babies so much!

God, they hate me.

Hey, Amy!

Hey, guys.

God, I just don't

know how you do it.

You just leave

your kids all day

and go to work?

You're so strong.

Yeah, thank you.

Don't you miss them?

I do. But I also

need, like, money.

- Right.

- Hmm.

Oh, gosh, you guys,

I'm so sorry. I gotta go.

I'm really late

to work.

Well, you're

always late.

I know. It's basically

the only thing

I'm good at these days.

See you guys later.

God, I just love

how hard she works.

Oh, my God, I love

how hard she works.

I just fuckin'

said that, Vicky.

I work at

a super-hip coffee company.

I love my job,

but I'm 32 years old and I'm

the oldest person here by far.

Most of these dudes

just play ping-pong all day.

Morning, Momma.

Morning, Tessa.

Oh, my God, I am so fucking

hungover, I might actually die.

That's probably something

you shouldn't tell your boss.

Oh.

Right. Except that I took like a

shitload of pills this morning,

so I don't totally

know where I am yet.

You're at work, Tess.

- Oh, perfect.

- Yeah.

May I have a vacation?

I'd like to go to Cuba.

- Is that allowed?

- No.

Good morning.

Hey, boss!

Good morning, Dale.

I had a dream

last night.

- Ooh.

- I was naked in a hotel.

I'm talking fully

naked, dick, balls...

Yep, got it.

No glasses. Everything,

fully fucking naked.

We got it.

I walk over to

the coffee maker

and there is a bag of our

coffee in the hotel room.

Cool dream, Dale.

Thank you, Tessa.

Um...

Is this your

way of saying that

you wanna start selling

your coffee to hotels, now?

No. This is my way of

saying that I want you

to start selling our

coffee to hotels now.

But Dale, I'm already running

sales for supermarkets,

airlines and restaurants.

I mean,

I'm just part-time.

You are?

Since when?

Six years ago!

What?

No way.

She's here like every day.

Oh, I know, but I

have a family and stuff, so...

Hey! You know how important

family is to me.

I got it wrote on

my arm right there.

Oh, wow.

- It's dope, right?

- So tight.

Oh, shit! I gotta go roller skating.

Do you wanna come?

- Yes!

- No, Dale!

I have lots

of work to do.

The History Channel

was right.

You guys are the

greatest generation.

I live just outside

of Chicago with my two kids,

my dog

and my husband, Mike.

He's a successful

mortgage broker,

but sometimes he

feels like my third child.

- Hey, babe.

- Hey... Oh!

Look at all the bags you're carrying.

That's hilarious.

You look like a Sherpa.

Oh!

You guys. Thank you

for being super patient.

I appreciate it.

Here we go, guys.

Thanks, honey.

All right, love.

How was work?

Oh, I had two conference

calls and then I took a nap.

It was exhausting.

I bet. I bet.

Uh...

Dylan, baby, how was

your science quiz?

Oh, I got a D.

A D? But we

worked so hard.

Baby, what happened?

Do you need extra help?

Should we get you another tutor?

Mmm, nah, I'm good.

Mike?

Did you hear? Dylan got a

D on his science quiz.

Way to go, bud.

What? Okay.

Um...

Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait!

How was your soccer tryouts?

Coach is posting a list of

who made the team tonight at 9:00,

and I'm so nervous.

Baby, it's okay, relax.

You will make the soccer team, I promise.

Just don't freak out.

I'm freakin' out. I am, too.

What time is it now?

0,374305556

Come on!

Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00.

Go, go, go! Hit refresh.

- Oh, my God. I made the team.

- I made the team!

Oh, my God.

I am so relieved.

- Thank you.

- Oh, my God.

Baby,

I'm so proud of you!

- Oh, I'm so excited.

- Oh, my God.

This is gonna look so awesome

on my college applications.

Baby, it's great,

it's great,

but just remember

you're only 12, so it's...

Wait.

What if I don't play?

What if I'm a loser

benchwarmer scrub?

You're great,

you're gonna be fine, you're...

No! It's not fine, Mom.

Do you understand

how hard it is

to get into

an Ivy League school now?

I mean,

they turn away Asians.

That's a little

racist, but...

Oh, my God! I need to

practice my footwork.

Why'd you let me

eat dessert?

Oh, I know,

because you hate me!

Holy shit.

Hey, babe. It's late.

I'm going to bed.

No.

Oh, my God,

are you...

No, no, no, I was just

checking my prostate.

You know, I've always wondered

what kind of porn you like.

Why won't this

fucking window close?

Oh, my God,

that's a giant bush!

Uh, who the hell

are you?

I'm his wife.

Oh, shit.

Are you masturbating

online with some chick?

No, no!

Well, then,

what are you doing?

Uh, um...

I was clicking and then I...

So then I was...

Yes, okay, I was masturbating

online with some chick.

What the fuck!

Why are you doing that?

Hold on a second. I don't think

I've done anything wrong.

This is totally

mainstream now.

Hi, I'm Sharon.

I don't know,

I don't know, Mike.

This really

feels like cheating.

No, no, no, no, no,

this is definitely not cheating, honey.

I've never even

touched her.

Her giant bush

is 2,000 miles away.

But how long have

you been doing this?

Oh, I don't know.

Not long.

Ten months next Friday.

What the fuck?

Ten months?

Do you have

feelings for her?

You don't masturbate online

with someone for 10 months

without developing

some feelings.

I mean, I'm not

a monster.

Do you have

feelings for her, Mike?

Yes! Okay?

I have feelings for her! God!

She's actually

a pretty amazing woman.

You know, she runs

her own dairy farm,

she's developing

an app.

- Get out!

- What?

Get the fuck

out of my house.

So uncool.

You know, Amy,

I just feel like

Mike is feeling

really trapped right now...

Okay, so your dad had to go

outta town on a business trip,

so I'm gonna try to do

everything myself today,

which should be fine,

as long as everybody does

what they are supposed to do.

Right?

Oh, no.

Why is Roscoe

walking like that?

He's fine.

He's totally fine.

Oh, no, buddy!

Lookin' good, Jeff.

Oh.

Thanks.

Yeah, you been workin' out?

No, not for

like 10 years.

Your beige windbreaker is

really lightin' up my board.

Oh, uh, thanks.

Do you know what I mean?

My vagina.

Bye, Jeff!

Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

Tell all your friends.

Oh, God.

There goes that little weird

stay-at-home mom.

Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

Tell all your friends.

Oh, I don't have

any friends.

- Oh.

- I'm pretty isolated at home.

I have four kids.

Okay, good. Please move along.

Thank you.

Emergency PTA

meeting tonight.

Thank you

for inviting me.

Oh, my God. She just got all

her sadness all over me.

Oh, shit!

Here comes

the hot widower.

- Hey, Jessie.

- Hey, guys.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Cute backpack

you got there.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, I'm such an Elsa.

You're hilarious!

You really are!

God, he's so

fucking hot.

- Here you go.

- I know.

I'm so glad his wife died.

You know what? I saw him install a

car seat yesterday in two seconds.

I'm tellin' you, it was like

boom, boom, click.

- It was so hot.

- Oh, gosh.

You know what? I think I'd

let him put it in my butt.

I mean, in theory,

I'm not really into the butt thing,

but I would let him

go to town back there.

- I'm with you.

- Emergency PTA meeting.

Okay, I got four minutes

to get Roscoe to the vet,

so I love you kids, get out,

get out, get out, get out.

I love you so much.

I'm so sorry.

Bye, Mom.

Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Fuck, it's so hot!

Can you roll down...

- Can you roll down the window?

- Okay. Okay, okay.

- Hey. Hey, babe, listen.

- Hi.

There is a emergency PTA

meeting today at 5:00.

It should be about

two to three hours.

- Awesome. Awesome.

- Okay?

- Your dog's wearing a helmet.

- Okay, I know.

Yes, it's... thank you.

Okay.

Fuck!

- Your dog has vertigo.

- That can't be a thing.

And you are gonna have to

carry him until he gets home.

Are you shitting me

right now?

I don't shit.

But he will, uncontrollably,

for the next 36 hours.

I'm here.

I'm here. Amy's here.

You missed

the meeting, bro.

Oh, no.

Fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck.

I know, I know.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

Get in, get in, get in.

I can't believe I'm gonna be late

to my first soccer practice.

Baby, I'm doing

the best that I can.

Yeah, that's what

makes it even sadder.

Oh, God.

Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey.

How was your day?

I swallowed

a pen cap again.

Oh, God.

Ooh!

Crap.

Was that a hit-and-run?

Nope.

Nope.

That was nothing.

Jane, go!

Go, go, go, go!

Excuse me, Coach?

I'm so sorry that Jane is late.

It is all my fault.

You look wrecked.

You having a bad day?

Oh, God, it literally

could not get any...

Ah!

Shit.

Hey...

Hi, guys! Guys, um...

For those of you who have been

living under a rock...

I am Gwendolyn James.

I am the president

of the PTA,

but most importantly,

I am the proud mommy

to two beautiful daughters,

Blaire and Gandhi.

Now, I called this

emergency PTA meeting

to address an issue that radically

affects the safety of our children.

The bake sale.

Is this a joke?

Now, this is a list

of the toxic ingredients

that are absolutely banned

from the bake sale.

No BPA,

no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.

Plus no soy, no sesame,

and, of course, no nuts

or eggs or milk or butter

or salt or sugar or wheat.

Okay?

Sorry, what ingredients

can we use?

- Anyway, I will be putting together...

- Thank you.

...a special bake

sale police force

that will monitor the food. That

will destroy any offensive treats

and prosecute

the wrongdoers.

Yes.

So who will be

my first volunteer

for the bake sale

police force?

I think we're gonna

have Amy Mitchell!

What?

That's what you get

for being late, sweetie.

No.

What's that now?

I've had a really long day.

I have been

bruised and burned,

knocked unconscious.

I screwed up my daughter's

first day at soccer

and I hand-searched

my son's poo for a pen cap

and my poor dog

has vertigo.

I mean, who knew that that was

even a real thing, you guys?

God, I'm drowning

at work

and my boss

is a fucking moron

and...

Three hours ago

I may or may not

have committed

a felony hit-and-run.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm done.

I quit.

- Hey, what can I get ya?

- Oh, Scotch.

Oh, hey, I know you.

You're that chick that always

picks up my kid from school

when I forget/don't

want to.

- Amy Mitchell.

- Yeah, Carla. Carla Dunkler.

Jesus, you look like

a bag of dicks.

- Thanks.

- Hi.

I'm really sorry to interrupt,

but, um, I just have to tell you,

what you did back there

was amazing.

Thank you.

It's Kiki, right?

Yes.

She knows my name.

I feel like

Beyoncé Knowles.

Why don't you sit down

and have a drink with us?

What do you mean "us"? Honey, I

was just sitting here by myself.

I would love to,

but I can't.

I have to go to

the grocery store

and then I have to go home and

clean out my son's hamster cage,

'cause he gets so

mad when I forget.

- Have a drink, Kiki.

- Okay, yeah.

- Okay.

- Yes, I'd like an apple juice.

Why don't you

have this instead?

Excuse me?

Oh, do you know what my

favorite mom fantasy is?

- What?

- Uh-oh.

Having a quiet

breakfast by myself.

- Oh! That is so hot!

- Oh!

- Sounds glorious.

- Oh.

Sometimes when I'm

driving all by myself,

I have this fantasy that

I get into a car crash.

Not a big one with fire and explosions,

but just like a little one.

But I do get injured

and I get to go to the

hospital for two weeks

and I sleep all day and I eat

Jell-O and I watch so much TV

and it's all

covered by my insurance.

My kids bring me balloons,

and the nurses rub cream on my feet,

and oh, my God,

it's so amazing.

Is that like something you

guys fantasize about, too?

- No.

- No.

- You're bat-shit crazy.

- Yeah.

And I'm never gonna get

into a car with you.

Is it fun

being a single mom?

Yes!

- I go to the casino.

- Yeah.

You know,

I'm learning karate now.

Plus, I have, like, a stable

of hot dudes to call right up

whenever I want

some D in my V.

- I wanna be a single mom.

- No, it's fuckin' awesome.

Bottom line is,

I have to live my life one

quarter mile at a time.

- Is that from... Yeah.

- The Fast and Furious.

I fucked Vin Diesel when he

was in town doing Furious 6.

- You fucked Vin Diesel?

- Yeah.

Vincent Diesel?

It might not have been

actually Vin Diesel,

but I definitely

fucked a bald guy.

- Salud.

- Salud.

- Yep.

- To Vincent Diesel.

- Oh, my God.

- Jesus.

- Kiki, get your shit together.

- Oh, my God.

- Do you know what I hate?

- Mmm?

There are so many

fuckin' rules now.

Yes, God.

Don't punish your kids.

Don't say no to your kids.

Yeah. "Go to your

kid's baseball games."

"Tell your kids

you love 'em."

"Don't fuck the janitor

at your kid's school."

I mean, what the

fuck is this? Russia?

We're killing ourselves, trying to be

perfect, and it's making us insane.

In this day and age,

it's impossible to be a good mom.

- Screw it.

- Yeah.

Let's be bad moms.

- Oh, I'm in.

- Right?

Oh, my gosh, okay.

This is exciting. I'm in!

- Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!

- To bad moms!

Aw.

- I love you guys.

- Mmm.

- Oh, dude.

- We love you, Kiki.

- We just met, Kiki.

- Forever.

- I love you forever.

- I'm not into this kind of...

Oh, gosh, honey,

we gotta go get you home.

- We gotta go.

- Yeah, let's go.

- We gotta go.

- No, I can't. I have to go to the supermarket.

Let's go

to the supermarket!

Oh, my God.

- You're so cute.

- Adorable.

Oh, I wanna

eat her face.

Hi, bunny.

All right, let's go!

Where is she?

Oh, it's so bright,

you guys.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm awesome.

What did you

do last night?

Nothin'.

But we may need to

find a new supermarket.

Oh, my God.

I made nachos last night!

Oh.

Amazing.

Mmm.

The cheese is so hard.

Um...

Aren't you gonna

make us breakfast?

Oh.

No.

But what are we

gonna eat?

You guys are really smart.

You can make

your own breakfast.

I'm just gonna

take these to go.

Peace!

All right,

get in the car.

You know what?

On second thought,

let's take your

daddy's special car today.

- Won't Dad be mad?

- Yeah.

Probably.

Whoo!

That was so awesome!

All right.

What is she driving?

Have a great day

at school!

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Your lunch!

- Thanks, Mom.

- You're the best mom ever!

Aw, I love you, guys!

Is that Arby's?

I love their

hot fish sandwich.

Hey, Amy. Hi.

Hey, we're having

a PTA meeting today

to discuss the upcoming

election at 2:00.

Will we see you there?

No.

Oh.

That bitch is

playing a dangerous game.

Amy plays football?

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you.

Amazing!

Oh, this is Amy.

Amy, where are you? The morning

huddle started an hour ago.

Oh, yeah, Dale, I'm not going to that.

It's a total waste of time.

Are you feeling okay, Amy?

Are you having

a senior moment?

I've actually

never felt better.

I'm having a quiet breakfast

and reading the newspaper

for the first

time in 12 years.

You need to come into

the office right now!

No, I don't. I don't, Dale. I only

work for you three days a week.

If you want me to work more, then

you should pay me to do that.

Okay, Amy, you're kind of

making me look like a dick

in front of everybody

in the office right now.

Have a great meeting!

Goodbye, Dale.

- Hello?

- Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.

Hi!

Um, I was actually

calling to see,

uh, if you'd like to join

me at the movies today.

Are we allowed to do that?

Well, I don't see why not.

I can't. I mean, I have

to iron Kent's underwear.

What? Why?

I don't know. He likes

really stiff underwear.

Come on, Kiki,

live a little.

Uh... Okay. Okay, okay.

I'll do it.

Awesome.

Okay, I'll call Carla.

Oh, fun! I like her.

I'm also

very scared of her.

Okay.

Ow! Ow!

- Yo!

- Hey, it's Amy.

Um, I'm calling to see

if you'd like to join

Kiki and I at the

movies this afternoon.

I'm already here.

Hey, lady.

- Get off your phone.

- Guess what?

She dies in the end.

Yeah, cancer gets her.

What?

Yeah, what do you

bitches wanna see?

Love is stronger

than space.

You guys, lady boners over here.

- Cheers, ladies.

- Mmm.

Mmm.

This has been

so much fun.

Thank you, girls,

for coming out with me.

Are you kidding me?

This has literally been the

best day of my entire life.

Oh, honey.

My ex is picking up the kid,

so I can go all night if...

Oh. hey, did you

hear that?

My ex has my kid.

Hey, hon, I've got

a question for you.

Is it hard to share your

son with your ex-husband?

- Fuck no.

- No?

Have you seen my kid?

He's like nine feet tall

and all he cares

about is baseball.

Do you go

to all of his games?

No. No, I don't.

The last game I went

to was six hours long

and the final score

was one to two.

So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan

than another kids' baseball game.

Cheers.

How do you think that your

divorce affected your kid?

How are things

in your home, Amy?

- Oh, it's fine.

- Everything's fine.

Ugh.

I caught Mike having an

affair online with a woman,

and I guess it's been going

on for like 10 months.

Oh! Did you drive

a spike through his nuts?

No. Here's the truth.

Our marriage has

been over for years.

I don't even remember

the last time we had sex.

Kent and I have sex every

Friday night after Blue Bloods.

I find Tom Selleck's work

to be extremely erotic.

I feel like everything that comes out

of your mouth is a cry for help.

Kiki, you're so weird.

No, wait,

why did you marry this

shithead in the first place?

He sounds like an asshole.

Because we were

young and in love.

I mean, he wasn't always an asshole.

I promise you.

It's true. Listen, I got

pregnant, we got married.

I was only 20.

You know what? Mike and I

never got our twenties.

Like, you know,

the fun twenties, and...

I feel like

maybe he missed that.

Oh, my God.

Maybe I did, too.

When I was in my twenties,

I would just walk down the street

and it would just be raining

dicks wherever I went.

It was just dick,

dick, dick, dick,

dick, dick, dick,

dick, dick, dick.

It was, like, forecast,

lot of cock!

Kiki?

Hi. Kent, hi.

What are you

doing here?

I'm just having lunch

with my new friends.

- Who's watching the kids?

- Rosie.

Isn't that your job?

Whoa! Who the fuck

are you?

Yes. Yes, Kent.

It absolutely is my job,

and I was just about to leave, so,

um, thank you guys

so much.

I can't, uh,

do the math right now.

Just take that and have a

wonderful day, you guys.

I really enjoyed it.

Thank you.

Oh, my...

Nice to meet you,

Ike Turner!

That's really

disturbing.

Yes!

But on the plus side,

she left way too much cash,

so I think I'm gonna

get fucked up!

Yeah, donut holes!

I love these things.

How much are they?

Um...

Five cents.

How about a dollar?

What?

Hey now, big spender.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Why are these so good?

Caramel number six.

- Is that what it is?

- Mmm-hmm.

They're tasty.

- She's adorable.

- Thank you.

Mmm-hmm.

Good to see you.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.

What do we have here?

Are these store-bought

donut holes, Amy?

What? No.

Gosh, no,

I made them by hand

and then I put them in the

weird plastic container.

Oh, thank God.

'Cause we do not

allow store-bought

holes.

- Seriously, Vicky?

- Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.

Who cares what

food people bring

as long as it

raises money, right?

- Oh, did she just... Oh.

- She did.

Hit her with it, G.

Well, you see,

I care, sweetie.

I don't... I don't know what's

been going on with you,

I mean, with your

weird outbursts

and your terrible style,

but it ends now.

Okay? I run this school,

and no one takes

a class or kicks a ball

or plays a fuckin' clarinet

without my say-so.

And I can make life

a living hell for you

and your dirty

little children.

Do you understand me?

Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think

you should just relax a little bit,

I mean, have a donut hole.

They're delicious.

They're from a gas station.

They're... Mmm.

You have crossed

the line, little girl.

And I am going

to destroy you.

Winter is coming.

Gwendolyn.

Oh, my God.

You are so fucked.

What...

- Bye.

- Bye.

Out of my way!

I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.

You psyched for

Mandarin class?

- No!

- No.

Mandarin class

is so stressful.

Everyone just

barfs the whole time.

- Did you say "barfs"?

- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Wha...

Why are we doing this?

What are you doing?

Mandarin class is back that way!

I know.

But we're gonna

play hooky today.

We cannot

afford this place.

Don't worry.

I've got a plan.

- Shh. Get in here, you idiots.

- We totally snuck in.

- I know! Shh.

- I can't believe you have a real job.

You're a lucky girl, Becky.

I would never do this for my kid.

Yeah. My mom's

pretty cool.

Also, my name's Jane.

Okay.

All right. Showers on

the left. Have fun, guys.

- Bye, Becky! Shh.

- Okay, thanks, Carla.

- This place is fancy.

- Gosh.

Oh, look.

Free soap.

No, honey,

don't take that.

Oh, no, that's some good soap.

Take it, take it.

This is what the tub looks like

after your brother takes a bath.

You look like Kung Fu Panda.

This is amazing.

Mmm-hmm.

We should get matching

tattoos after this.

I'm really glad

we did this, Mom.

I haven't felt this

relaxed in, like, ever.

God, you needed a break from

school and soccer and...

This whole Dad thing.

What whole Dad thing?

Nothing. Nothing!

Does Dad

have a brain tumor?

What? No!

No, no, no, no.

God, no. Um...

Your dad and I are going through

a rough patch right now.

Are you guys

gonna get divorced?

What? No, no, no.

No. We're not getting

divorced right away.

I just want you to know that

no matter what happens,

it's not your fault.

Why would it be

my fault?

Why would you even

say that?

I don't know!

Oh, my God, baby, I'm so sorry!

I suck at this!

I just don't

wanna be weird, okay?

Baby, please don't cry. Please...

No, no, no, no, no.

Honey, I need you to look at me,

just look at me, okay?

Baby, baby...

I need you to know

that your dad loves you.

That I love you.

And I promise you,

you will be fine.

How do you know?

Because I'm your mom,

and I know you

better than anyone,

and I know what

you're made of.

Oh, honey.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, Coach?

Coach!

Fuck!

- Hi, Gwendolyn.

- Hi, how are you?

Listen, um,

I wanna talk to you about

- the starting lineup of next week's game.

- Mmm-hmm.

In particular, Amy

Mitchell's daughter, Jane.

You know I can't discuss

specific players with you.

And you know that

I chair the hiring

and firing committee,

right?

So let's stop dicking around and

let's get to the fucking point.

Please don't get

me fired, Gwendolyn.

- My cat just died.

- Oh.

And I'm really very

fragile right now.

Bench the little dork.

Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.

- I need this. This is my time.

- Do you know what I mean?

- Go for Carla.

- Hey, it's Amy,

I just found out Mike is staying

with his Internet girlfriend.

Oh, fuck him!

We need to get you laid.

I wanna get laid.

I'm on my way.

I'm so excited.

Honey, I don't know,

what are you gonna wear?

It's like a nun's closet.

No, no, wait.

I got it, I got it.

Let's see this!

It's my favorite.

I love it.

No! No! Are you trying

to get laid or adopted?

- Oh.

- Fair point.

Ooh.

Okay.

That's what a lonely

person gets buried in.

Fuck, you guys,

I literally have nothing, then.

I have mom clothes,

I have work clothes.

Okay, you know, let me get

in there one more time.

I'm gonna find it. Move. Move.

Move, move, get me in here.

- I have jackets, I have lots of 'em.

- We'll find it.

- We'll find something, honey.

- Don't get discouraged.

- Okay. Okay.

- You can do this.

I mean, Jesus Christ!

This is something that

Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.

I love that movie.

- Me too.

- Okay.

It's such a good film.

Wait a minute,

I see a spaghetti strap.

No, hold on. This was, like, my slutty

Halloween costume from college.

I like the word "slutty".

Put it on.

Just try it.

Try it.

You guys are ridiculous.

I'm telling you...

- Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra!

- Ooh.

There's so much

surface area.

You can make three regular

bras out of this one mom bra.

This isn't my mom bra.

This is my sexy bra.

Shut up!

- Don't laugh.

- Wait, are you serious?

Yes!

- Oh, honey.

- Amy.

Oh! That looks like you

just got out of surgery.

Is it that bad?

- Yeah, there's just one boob-log.

- Yeah.

You don't even

have two tits.

I have this in black. Do you

guys wanna see it in black?

- No!

- No!

Oh, wow. This bra will be

the death of your vagina.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

You guys, I've only handled

one penis my entire life.

Oh, honey!

What do I do if I get

a guy with a weird dick?

Kent is a never-hard.

Ooh.

What's a never-hard?

Oh, he never

gets fully hard.

So I just have to kind of fold his

penis up like a balloon animal

and shove it up

in my vagina.

- That sounds horrible!

- Yeah.

Sometimes I take the balls

and shove 'em up there, too,

because at least,

you know, they're firm.

Honey, that is a lot of shit

to shove up your cooter.

I mean, I'm just

happy he's circumcised.

What if I get somebody

who's not circumcised?

Run out of the room

screaming.

It's like finding

a gun in the street.

Just scream and

get outta there!

No way, you guys.

Uncut guys are great.

Really?

Oh, they're always

so nice to you,

because they know

their dicks are gross.

How do I handle it?

- What, do I just touch it?

- Oh, I'll show you. Here.

- Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec?

- Uh-uh. What?

Just imagine for a second that

this is the hood of the uncut cock

- ...and then this is the penis face. Okay?

- Mmm-hmm.

So, what you would

do is very gently,

you would just kind

of try to peel it back

over like that to expose

the head of the cock.

Okay. And then you

would just gently,

you wanna, I'm sorry,

honey, you just wanna kind of,

like it gets

a little tight,

and you gotta

kind of work it,

you know, you gotta work it off.

And then you just go to town

like it's a, you know...

You know,

you jerk it off

till you wanna

sit on it.

Okay? What do I do with this?

- What?

- Like, do I put it in a hair clip or do I just...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, this,

this you can

flick it, suck it,

- you know, rub your face on it.

- I don't wanna do that.

I don't wanna rub

my face on it.

- Okay, well, take care of this, though.

- Okay.

'Cause this is like a big,

giant man clit.

This, right here.

If you work this,

it's gonna be like...

- Does that make sense, honey?

- Yeah, it's great.

- Thank you, honey.

- Okay. Sure, sure, sure.

I'm not gonna wear this

sweatshirt ever again.

Okay, okay, all right.

Let's get right down to it.

What kind of guy

are you into, honey?

You know what?

I've never been with a Latin man.

If I were you,

I would start with maybe

like just kind

of fat and Jewish,

and then work yourself

into the Latin guy.

- Excuse me.

- Okay.

- Hi, there.

- Hi!

Is this seat taken?

Um, yes.

- I mean, yes, no, like yes, sit, please.

- Yeah.

- What do I do?

- Ask him about his hobbies.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Um, I'm Amy.

- Braden.

Braden, nice

to meet you, Braden.

Nice to meet you.

I like your wedding ring.

Shit!

Um...

Okay, you see,

this is a funny story.

I was, um...

I was grocery shopping

and I found it on the floor,

and I picked it up and...

And then I put it on.

- I'm gonna sit somewhere else.

- Okay.

Ooh, maybe next time,

try it without your wedding ring.

- Oh, that's a great idea!

- Yeah?

- Yes.

- Hey, ladies.

- Hi!

- Where are you comin' in from?

Uh, we live in

Westbury with our kids.

Great. Oh.

Oh, forget it. I'm really nervous,

you guys.

- You're doing great.

- I know, I know. There is...

You're doing great.

Look it, there is so

much cock in here...

- Yeah...

- that if you literally...

Just try to act half-normal

and you are gonna get laid.

- Just don't be such a mom.

- Okay.

You should eat more soup.

Oh, I loved breastfeeding until

my nipples started cracking.

This should prevent the

stain from setting, okay?

Tupperware! Pinterest!

Explosive diarrhea!

Does your mom

know you're here?

See, it wasn't just about a

dolphin getting a new tail.

It was about a family

coming together.

What did I say?

Hey! Where are you going?

Oh, my God, you guys.

- How'd it go?

- Oh, horrible.

- What's the matter, hon?

- What happened?

I suck at this.

I just wanna go home.

Oh!

- I really do.

- Amy!

Mmm.

Jessie! What are you

guys doing here?

We're just, you know, having

a little girls' night.

Cool, so the husband's at home

with the kids? That's nice.

Oh, mmm...

My husband's not really

in the picture anymore.

Yeah, yeah, she caught him

jerking off with a dairy farmer.

He's a sex criminal.

I don't know where to start.

Are you okay?

I'm actually really,

really good. Yeah.

I'm glad I ran into you.

This is really nice.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

Okay, creepy.

Let's go.

- Let's go, creepy.

- Yeah.

Okay.

Have fun.

You are so hard.

Really, he's got

a hard body.

Thank you. I think.

I cannot believe Amy is

talking to Jessie Harkness.

I have dreams about

him braiding my hair.

Okay, can you not

stand so close to me?

Because I'm still

trying to get laid.

Yeah, sure.

No problem. Okay.

And don't dance walk.

You work at the, uh,

coffee company, right?

What? Yeah. Wait,

how did you know?

I might have asked around

about you a little bit.

- Wait. You asked about me?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I...

Okay, I've kind of always

had a thing for you and...

- What?

- I thought you knew that.

- No! I had no idea.

- No? You had no idea?

Oh, come on. You're like my

favorite mom at the school.

I mean, I honestly don't

know how you do it.

You take your kids

to all those activities,

and you do all

those insane projects.

I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way.

That was incredible.

Well, you know what? I do have a

little thing for papier-mâché.

- It was really good.

- Thank you.

Oh, and are you kidding me

with those lunches?

You know, my daughter's

always saying,

"Why can't you make lunch

like Dylan's mom?"

Oh, my God,

I love your daughter.

- You're making me look bad.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, this makes me

so happy.

You know what's just

really amazing, though,

is the fact that your kids

are actually nice people.

- Meh, eh...

- No, no, I'm serious!

Anyone could force their kids

to play cello or speak Chinese

or, you know, go to a fancy college,

or something like that,

but what's really

hard is raising kids

who are actually

decent and kind

and somehow

you've done that.

And you should

be really proud.

You're a fuckin'

great mom.

Oh, oh...

- Oh, my.

- I'm so sorry.

- It's fine. Don't worry about it.

- And I'm so embarrassed.

You kind of nailed my face, but

we should probably do it again.

- Are you sure?

- Just no sudden movements.

Just nice and slow.

- Carla. Carla!

- What, hon?

Carla, look, look,

look, look!

No, Kiki.

No, Kiki!

Kiki, no, no.

- Mike!

- Hey, babe!

What are you doing?

I wanna get back together.

I never should've left you.

That was a total dick move.

And I feel like we should

just put that in the past

and not talk about it.

Wait, what are you

talking about?

Look, I...

I just needed a break.

Haven't you ever

needed a break?

Of course I have, Mike.

But I didn't break up

our family to do it.

I miss the kids.

So much.

Mostly Dylan, but even

Jane a little bit, too.

And the dog,

God, I miss Roscoe so much.

- How is he doing?

- He's fine.

Thank God.

The bottom line is,

I will do whatever it takes

to keep this family together.

Really?

You'll finally go

to therapy with me?

I knew you were gonna say that!

Therapy is so dumb!

Great. Get out!

Have fun. Bye-bye.

Hey! I'm trying to

do the right thing!

- Bye-bye, Mike.

- Honestly!

All right, you know what?

Even though it's a total waste of

time and money, I will go to therapy.

But when I say go, I mean, like

actually go, like participate, cry.

I haven't cried since the

Cubbies lost it all in '03.

- How do you expect me...

- Mike, you know what?

Have fun with your little weirdo

girlfriend on the Internet.

But wait, are we gonna

go to therapy or what?

I'll think about it.

Hey.

Honey? Honey,

are you okay?

Coach says I'm not starting.

I'm a benchwarmer.

Wait, what?

No, that's impossible.

You're the best

forward on that team.

Oh, my God, my life is ruined.

I'm never going to college.

I might as well

just become a teacher.

Baby, baby,

look at me for one second.

You'll be okay. I promise

you I'm gonna handle this.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Okay.

Just please

don't make a scene.

Honey, I would

never embarrass you.

Gwendolyn made me do it!

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

What is it with

you moms?

I am a middle school

soccer coach.

All I wanna do

is make enough money to feed my

cats and fill my fuckin' Prius.

Grow some balls! Jesus!

Hey!

How dare you

bench my daughter?

Oh, hi, Amy.

You have no right

to do that.

Oh, actually, I do,

uh, because soccer

is a PTA-sponsored activity

and I am the president

of the PTA. So...

Oh... Okay.

Uh...

Well, um...

Not for long.

Oh, dear.

What does that mean?

That means I'm gonna run

against you for PTA president.

Oh.

Amy's husband

just recently left her,

so she's kind of having

a mental breakdown right now.

Oh, that's so sad.

Ooh.

You're goin' down.

No, honey,

the only thing going down is

your husband on another woman.

Well, damn.

This is

a terrible idea, Amy.

There's no way

you can beat her.

Gwendolyn has been president of

the PTA for the last six years.

Kiki, she messed with my kid. I

can't let that stand. Come on!

Right, but all

the different mom groups

are gonna vote

for Gwendolyn.

She's got the attachment moms,

she's got the tiger moms,

the sad moms.

She has the blogging moms.

She's got the CrossFit moms.

Camel toe moms.

She's got the drunk moms.

The moms

that you wanna fuck.

The moms that

used to be dads.

She has the moms that

always have a limb broken.

- The hairy moms.

- The wearable art moms.

- The juicing moms.

- Mmm-hmm.

She has the moms

with the huge areolas.

The black moms, the lesbian moms,

the divorced moms.

She even has the divorced

black lesbian moms.

That is a really

hard group to get.

I love those girls.

Plus, Amy, if you lose,

she'll destroy you.

She'll put your kids in all the

dumb classes with all the dum-dums.

She'll give 'em

the crappy teachers.

You can forget about soccer,

she won't even give your kids milk.

But that's all the more reason

we have to bring her down.

I mean,

you guys, she's a bully!

Okay, she wants us all to be

these perfect little Nazi-moms

and our kids to be hyper-stressed

and over-scheduled.

My daughter gets a new rash

every week, and she's 12.

You had me at Nazi.

I say we go punch that

chick right in the tits.

Yes!

Would you like a new

PTA president? Me too!

Hi. Meet the Candidate Night

tomorrow night, 7:30.

Here, honey. Take one.

Vote for Amy. Really?

Amy Mitchell.

PTA president.

Come tomorrow, 7:30,

Meet the Candidate Night.

PTA president.

- No! No, thank you!

- Take it!

- Okay!

- Great!

I'll fuck your husband if you don't go.

I'll fuck him!

Vote for Amy!

Carla, get her!

Hey! Hey!

Don't you fuckin' run from me!

Don't you fuckin'...

Ah!

It's so cute.

So, how many people

do you think are coming

to the Meet

the Candidate Night?

Well, I told all the

moms that I would

bang their husbands if

they didn't show up, so...

- Carla.

- A lot. My answer is a lot.

Thank you, Kiki.

Oh, Jesus, you guys,

look at the kids.

My daughter

won't stop studying.

Oh, feel lucky.

All my kid wants to do with

books is rip 'em in half.

I just wish I knew

how I was doing, you know?

Yeah, that's the worst part

about being a mom, though,

is you don't know whether or

not you're doing a good job

until they're fully grown.

And by that point,

it's too late.

Your kid

is either a nice guy

or he's giving hand

jobs in an alley for rent.

I don't think those

are the only two options.

Yesterday, I gave

Bernard the wrong juice box

and he called me

a dumb bitch.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay.

My kid still watches Sesame

Street and he doesn't get it.

My daughter's

scared of balloons.

My kid eats

butter like an entrée.

You gonna eat

your butter?

My daughter stole money

from a homeless woman.

My son failed study hall.

Claire killed

our neighbor's ferret.

I mean, we all pretended like it

was an accident, but it wasn't.

She's a killer.

Ugh.

I know we make fun of them, but

fuck, I love them so much.

Me too.

I would literally

die for them right now.

Oh, you're making me cry.

I'm already there.

I mean, oh, my God,

you guys,

children are such a gift.

Every time I think

about that big,

dumb motherfucker

going off to college,

I wanna cry like a baby.

This sucks.

I can't believe

you're making me cook

my own breakfast

every single day.

You're doing awesome, buddy.

You really are.

Hey, so where's

my science project?

Oh, I didn't do it.

What? But it's due today.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- That's so unfair!

I know. I know.

I'm so sorry.

But you're gonna

actually have to start

doing your own

homework from now on.

I am a slow learner,

remember?

You're not a slow learner.

You're just entitled.

Honey, do you know

what "entitled" means?

No. Because

I'm a slow learner.

It means that Mommy and Daddy

have been spoiling you,

and now you think the

world owes you something,

but it doesn't.

And if you don't learn

how to work hard now,

then you're just gonna grow up to

be like another entitled white dude

who thinks he's awesome

for no reason.

And then you'll start

a ska band,

and it'll be awful, and

you'll be mean to girls,

and you'll grow this ironic

mustache to look interesting,

but you won't actually be interesting,

and I'm not okay with that.

So will you please, please,

just do your own homework?

Fine. Jesus!

Great.

I love you.

So where are

your kids tonight?

Oh, they're staying

at a friend's house.

I gave my kid $10

and a cell phone

and I dropped

him off at Arby's.

He'll be fine

for hours.

Somebody's here.

- Amy for president!

- Yes!

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Thank you

so much for coming.

I didn't want her

to bang my husband.

No, she was

just kidding.

Oh.

I wasn't kidding.

Ugh.

Come in, come in. I'm

sorry, nobody's here yet.

Yeah, well, I figured, what with

Gwendolyn's party and everything.

I'm sorry,

what did you say?

Oh, nuts.

You didn't know.

Gwendolyn decided to throw a

competing party at her house.

And she has Martha Stewart.

How would you like to try

these special meatballs?

Now, I don't have anything

nice to say to anyone,

but I have to tell you,

I just love you.

I've always wanted

to be you, actually.

- Yes.

- Oh.

- Martha, sweetheart.

- Hi, hi.

Everything

looks so beautiful.

Well, thank you so much,

and how's Blaire and Gandhi?

It's been nice talking to you,

Martha, but I have things to do.

- Stop talking to her.

- Okay.

Um, ladies? Hi, can I get

your attention, please?

- Eyes here so I know you're hearing me.

- Shh.

Listen, the program is gonna

begin in about five minutes,

so take your

assigned seats, okay?

Right now. Do it right now.

I can't believe

Gwendolyn would do this.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

You guys, what are we gonna

do with all this shitty wine?

For the next two hours,

I'm gonna talk to you guys

about the advantages

of year-round school.

We need to change

our children's future

by making them go to

school 365 days a year.

Three, two, one, go!

Catfish!

Did she say it?

Drink again!

Drink again, drink again!

Why am I the one

that's always drinking?

Because you

said the clue word.

That's when

you say it.

I don't understand

this game.

It's not a reading game!

Okay, go.

- Amy.

- What?

- Emu!

- No, Amy!

It said fuckin' "emu"!

You're not good at this.

Drink!

Drink again!

I'm gonna take you

back a little bit.

Genghis Khan.

Do you think he had

year-round schooling?

I think not.

Skip forward a little bit.

Osama bin Laden.

He didn't have year-round school.

There's nothing more dangerous

than summer vacation.

- Okay, ladies?

- Yeah, let's go.

Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.

Come in, come in, come in.

Wow, there's

a lot of you.

Ooh.

Are you sure you can't

stay a little bit longer?

- I've only got my sitter until 9:00.

- Oh.

So I have to

skedaddle right now.

- No, I understand. I'm a mom.

- Okay.

I had such a great night.

Bye!

We'll see you

over there.

Well, that ended a lot

earlier than I anticipated.

Yeah.

You don't think

they're all going over

to Amy's party, do you?

Vicky, we had Martha fuckin'

Stewart here tonight.

Who does Amy

have, hmm?

I'll drive. She could

have a point, yeah.

This party is raging.

What a turnout.

Hi, would you ladies

like a Jell-O shot?

Is that...

Is that...

Martha Stewart?

- Thank you.

- Martha.

- Oh, my God.

- Good, right?

I'm cumming.

- Oh, my God.

- What's in this?

Well, it's bespoke

lingonberry gelatin...

- Mmm.

- ...and a shitload of vodka.

They're delicious.

I start my day

with six of these.

Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Holy shit.

Is that Jennifer Noonan

peeing behind that car?

Oh, my goodness.

This party

looks awesome!

I need to go

to this party.

- What? Vicky!

- Whoo!

Please, shut up!

Just shut up for one second.

I know it's a school night, so we're

just gonna get right down to it.

I wanna introduce you

to your next PTA president...

Amy Mitchell!

Yes!

First of all,

I just wanna say this,

that I think that we, as moms,

do way too much stuff.

And if I'm elected, I promise

you we are gonna do way less.

Whoo!

Right? Less PTA meetings,

less luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales,

just less bullshit!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

And I think that our kids

need a break, too, you guys.

Come on, now, school starts

way too fucking early, okay?

God, and they have

way too much homework.

I mean, our kids

don't even have time

to be kids anymore,

am I right?

And what is up with these five

standardized tests a week?

We should not be teaching our

kids how to be good test-takers.

We should be teaching them

how to be good people!

What is

a standardized test?

So, if you're a mom who's

overworked, overstressed,

or if you're just a mom

who wants to do less...

Yes!

Then just vote for me.

Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!

This basic bitch

right here,

she's gonna win

the election.

No, she's not.

Because I'm going to

hit her where it counts.

You're gonna punch her

in the vagina?

I literally don't know why we

hang out with you anymore.

Do you know the best thing

about mom parties?

They end at exactly

0,458333333

I made out with

so many women tonight.

- I know.

- Guys...

I really

like whippets.

Hello?

Wow. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Well, you kind of

booty texted me.

Uh...

What? It was a great party, Am.

So, uh...

Okay.

You got all this, right?

Hi, Jessie.

I really like your clothes.

That was odd.

I'm so sorry.

Um...

I actually think Carla may have

booty texted you off my phone.

Oh, okay.

Okay, that makes sense

because what she wrote

was fuckin' disturbing.

- Sorry.

- It's okay.

Um, I don't know.

Should I leave?

No.

Uh...

I was really

hoping you'd say that.

So what exactly

did Carla text you?

Why don't I show you?

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, yes!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that was...

Unbelievable.

I can't...

- What was that...

- Wow.

That thing you did

at the end?

I don't know.

I kind of came up

with it in the moment.

Was it okay?

- Oh, my God, it was amazing!

- Yeah?

- That was by far the best I've ever had.

- Oh, God.

Oh, I was so worried.

You know, it's been awhile

since I've done this.

I think I got pregnant.

Oh, my God.

Really. Hey.

Hi, yeah. Can I go down

on you again?

Oh, yeah,

that'd be great.

- Cool.

- Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay.

All right.

- Oh.

- Mmm.

Oh.

Oh, look at you go.

God,

it's dark in here.

God. I still don't

understand what we're doing.

Stop it. You guys never

tell me what we're...

Vicky, why are

you so fuckin' stupid?

I like to start by saying that

every marriage is savable.

You just need two people who

are willing to work at it.

Okay?

Mike, Amy, I want you

to look at each other

and say three things that

you like about each other.

Mike?

- Can I go second?

- Okay. Yeah, sure.

Uh, Amy?

Okay, uh, Mike, I like that

you gave me my children.

Uh, I like that you pick them

up from school sometimes.

It's actually

really helpful.

And, uh, I like that you

came to therapy today.

- Okay, Mike. Your turn.

- Okay.

I like your spaghetti.

And you make

pretty good calzone.

Was that three?

That was like one

and then 1A.

You know what? Um...

Let's try some role playing.

All right, Amy, I want you

to pretend to be Mike,

and Mike, I want you

to pretend to be Amy.

Okay? And now

I just want you to

just tell me

about your day.

Hi, I'm Amy.

All I did today was, like,

rub lotion on my face

and talk, talk, talk, talk.

Okay. Uh...

- Amy, would you like to...

- Yes, I would!

Hey, I'm Mike.

Um...

My life is awesome

because my wife takes care of

everything in the world for me.

This is the problem!

Here's the bottom line!

She's a perfectionist.

So what's the point

of even trying, okay?

How is that a problem?

And she hasn't

given me a blowie

since my birthday

five years ago!

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Which is so not cool!

Hold on one second!

You want a blowie?

Maybe if you cleaned the kitchen,

made the kids dinner,

cared for someone

other than yourself,

I would give you

so many blowies

your fuckin'

dick would explode.

My dick would never explode

'cause it's indestructible.

Oh, my God, I can't deal with you!

I can't fucking look at you.

I'm...

Mike, I...

I don't love you anymore.

I'm so sorry,

but I just don't.

I'm so sick and tired

of pretending like I do.

That is exactly how I feel.

Okay...

Remember when I said that

all marriages are savable?

Well, it ain't gonna

happen for you guys.

So what do you

think we should do?

Well, as a therapist, I'm not

allowed to tell you what to do,

but as a human being with two

fuckin' eyes in my head,

yeah, I think you should get

divorced as soon as possible.

This is some

catastrophic shit.

I think it's for

the best.

Yeah. Me too.

Can I give you a hug?

Mike. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Mmm.

You gotta watch

out for you first.

Dale, why is there a

security guard in my office?

Hey, Amy, uh,

I'm so sorry,

but we're gonna have to

positively transition you.

Are you firing me?

Yuck. Okay, that's not my word.

I don't like that word.

But, yes,

I'm firing you.

Why?

Well, you quit

coming to the office.

Okay, maybe I've been slacking

off a little bit, but...

Tessa took two weeks off when Jon

Snow died on Game of Thrones,

and he's not

even a real person.

To be fair, we all took two

weeks off when Jon Snow died.

You're the only person that

didn't take two weeks off.

But as a token

of appreciation

for your six years

with the company,

I got you

a very special gift.

You got me

the four-ounce bag?

Couldn't even

splurge for the eight?

What?

Ms. Mitchell, this is

Principal Burr. We need you to come in.

Okay, okay.

I'll be right there,

and I'm very sorry, Principal,

for how I answered the phone.

I'm sorry.

You found what?

I found marijuana cigarettes

in your daughter's locker.

Now, it looks like Sour Diesel

or a little Afghan Kush.

That's impossible.

She's only 12.

It happens. Snoop been

smokin' since he was five.

Those aren't mine.

I mean, Mom, I swear to God,

they're not mine.

Baby, I believe you.

And why were you looking

in my locker anyway?

We were tipped off

by a concerned parent.

Wait a minute.

Was this concerned parent's

name Gwendolyn James?

Hey, listen, I don't know nothin'

about Gwendolyn James, all right?

That woman scares me.

What I do know is this school

is a zero-tolerance school,

so that means that

your daughter's banned

from all extra-curricular

activities.

What does that mean?

That means you're

off the soccer team.

What?

Oh, my God.

Hey, my hands were tied.

Honey, baby, hold on.

That little girl

rolls a real tight jay.

This is all your fault.

Why did you mess

with Gwendolyn James?

Sweetie,

I am so sorry.

Honey, please,

I didn't mean for this.

Yes, you did

mean to, Mom!

You were sick of

being a mom, so you quit

and you started partying

with your weird,

new friends,

and blowing off work,

and, oh, yeah,

having sex with

Lori Harkness' dad.

So gross!

Honey, I know

that you're mad.

I get it.

You are so selfish, Mom.

You are so selfish and

it frigging sucks, okay?

Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me,

how can I make this better?

No. I wanna stay

with Dad tonight.

Even he's a better

parent than you.

Oh, my God.

Guys! Guys, guys.

Did you hear?

Amy Mitchell's daughter

got busted for drugs.

- What? No way!

- Yeah.

Look, I am not blaming Amy Mitchell.

I mean, my God, I would never...

- Of course...

- ...ever judge another mother,

but I think we really

have to ask ourselves,

do we want someone who is that

reckless and irresponsible

and mentally unhinged alcoholic

to be president of the PTA?

I don't know.

You know what? I never even liked her.

She looks foreign.

Oh, God.

Foreigners.

Listen. I think now

we just need to pray

that Amy's little crackhead

daughter gets the help she needs.

Mike, if Janey

needs anything,

and I mean anything,

just please call me.

Babe, it's gonna be fine.

I'm staying at the Waldorf.

They got an indoor-outdoor

pool, room service,

18-hole golf course.

It's killer.

You're staying

at the Waldorf?

God, this is a divorce,

not a luxury vacation, Mike.

It's a safe hotel.

Wait, bye, angel!

Have so much fun with Daddy!

Can I get a hug?

No? Okay. Okay.

Oh, no, buddy, wait.

You're also going?

Dylan, you know

the hotel has TVs.

You don't have

to bring your own.

Oh, Roscoe,

not you, too.

Oh, the Waldorf's dog-friendly,

so don't worry.

Yeah. So.

- Mike, please go.

- Yeah.

Bye, kids.

Welcome to

the annual PTA election.

We will start with

the candidates' statements,

and since only one

bothered to show up,

she will go first.

Gwendolyn,

you have five minutes.

Thank you.

I'll talk as long as I want.

God, this movie's

depressing.

- Amy!

- Amy, I'm sorry we're late.

- Oh, my God!

- It's Kiki's fault.

- Sorry we're late, honey.

- So sorry.

I had to pee.

What's happening?

Why aren't you ready?

What's going on?

What are you talking about?

What are you...

It's the PTA election.

Oh, my God, no. Sorry,

I'm not going to that.

What? Why not?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because my husband

left me, my kids left me.

My fucking dog left me.

All the moms

in school hate me,

and I am a complete and

utter failure as a mother.

First of all, you are so

not a failure as a mother.

In fact, you're the best

mother that we've ever seen.

True that.

You give your

kids salad.

You remember your

kids' birthdays.

I mean, I sat here

and watched you wait

until your kid fell

asleep before you got high.

Most moms do that, Carla.

That's most moms, yeah.

Well, whatever. This is the worst

thing I've ever seen you do.

You've quit trying.

We don't quit!

Moms don't quit!

No! Quitting

is for dads!

Uh...

Listen, no matter what

shit is thrown at us,

us moms, we have

to just...

- We have to just keep going.

- Mmm-hmm.

And do you know why?

Because we have

low self-esteem.

No. No, no.

It's because

we love our kids.

It's because we

love our stupid,

selfish, ungrateful,

little shit-faces!

That's why.

We love 'em so much

that we would do...

Literally anything

for them.

You guys,

I can't win the election.

- Oh, my God!

- Amy!

Amy! This is not

about the election.

Amy, sit up.

This is about

standing up to the bitch

that hurt your

little girl!

Now, are you gonna sit here and let

Gwendolyn get away with this shit?

- Don't do it, Amy.

- Fuck that!

Fuck it!

You are gonna rise up like a

small, little white Apollo Creed

and you are gonna look at

Gwendolyn and you are gonna say,

fight you.

in the cafeteria.

for my little girl,

our young."

So get up off

this couch,

turn off

12 Years a Slave

and let's

body slam this bitch.

Come on, Amy.

Come on,

get those tits up.

- Get 'em up.

- Get 'em up.

- Get your boobs up.

- Get those tits right up.

- I'm gonna get my tits up.

- Get your tits up!

They're getting up, you guys.

They're getting up.

I can see it.

Guys, my tits are gettin' up.

They're getting up.

They're getting up. That's it.

They are up!

Go, go, go, go!

Oh, my God.

I can't seem to locate

my safety belt back here.

This is a one-way street!

Move out of the way!

We're on our way to a PTA meeting,

motherfuckers!

Oh, my God,

there's a truck!

- Truck! Truck! Truck!

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

- Oh, shit.

- Oh, fun. Kent is calling.

- Hi, honey.

- Kiki.

The kids are going insane.

I can't do this.

You gotta come home right now.

But I can't come home.

I'm going to the PTA

meeting with my friends.

No, no, no, no.

I said come home now, damn it!

And I said,

"I'm going to the fucking PTA

meeting with my fucking friends,"

so stop being such a goddamn

pussy and make it work!

Kiki. Kiki...

That was very exciting.

- How good did that feel?

- That felt good, didn't it?

- It's very exciting!

- Yes!

It's very exciting!

And it is for that reason

and the 47 others

that I laid out

for you today

that I humbly

ask for your vote.

All right,

thank you, Gwendolyn.

- Uh, well...

- Sorry I'm late!

Actually, you're just in time to

give your candidate statement.

What's a candidate

statement?

Oh, I think

that's like a speech.

- You got one of those, right, honey?

- What are you talking about?

- You don't have a speech?

- Of course not!

It's all good.

She's got

a great speech.

I'm not good at

this public speaking.

Hey, we're sitting here.

Move, move, sorry, move.

Okay.

Wow, there's a lot of you.

Introduce yourself.

Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.

Good.

And I'm running

for PTA president.

You're doing great.

Just 'cause

they're not responding

doesn't mean they think

you're terrible.

You know...

I know there's a lot of rumors

going around about my daughter.

That's a bad place

to start.

And I'm guessing a lot of you

think that I'm a bad mom.

Yes.

No, no. No, you know what?

You're right.

Sometimes,

I'm too lenient with my kids.

Sometimes,

I'm too strict.

Well, we overestimated her,

obviously.

Sometimes, I'm so crazy

that I don't even

understand the words

that are coming

out of my mouth.

You see, what works for my daughter

almost never works for my son.

And whenever I think I'm actually

starting to figure my kids out,

they grow up

and I'm back to square one.

So, the truth is,

when it comes to being a mom,

I have no fucking

clue what I'm doing.

And you know what?

I don't think anyone does.

I think we're all bad moms,

and you know why?

Because being a mom

today is impossible!

I never doubted her.

I never doubted her.

- She's doing great.

- She's a natural.

So can we all just please stop

pretending like we have it figured out

and stop judging

each other for once?

Look, I'm running

for PTA president because...

Because I want our

school to be a place

where you can make mistakes,

where you can be yourself,

where you're being judged

on how hard you work

and not on what you bring

to the fucking bake sale.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

I want our school to be a place

where it's okay to be a bad mom.

Do you know

what I mean?

My kids haven't had

a bath in three weeks.

That's okay! Listen,

we've all been there.

I confiscated my son's weed and

then I smoked the shit out of it!

What's your number?

I give my kids a Benadryl

every Tuesday night

so I can watch The Voice.

I can't tell

my twins apart!

I let my 7-year-old

watch Mad Max.

I drink margaritas

for breakfast.

I threw my son's

violin in the garbage.

Oh, honey,

we don't speak Spanish.

I like my nanny better

than I like my husband.

Wait, really?

Yeah, you do!

I don't even have kids!

I just come to PTA meetings

because I'm lonely.

Aw.

Here's the thing.

If you're a perfect mom

who's got this whole

parenting thing figured out,

well, then, you should

probably vote for Gwendolyn,

'cause she's amazing.

Yes.

But if you're

a bad mom like me

and you have no fucking clue

what you're doing,

or you're just sick of being

judged all the time...

Then please vote for me.

Thank you.

Oh, my God!

Are you kidding me?

Yes!

Amy! Amy! Amy!

Look at that!

This is your PTA president!

Amy! Amy! Amy!

Oh, mama.

I feel invigorated.

This is so great!

- I still can't believe you won.

- I know!

Oh, I'm so happy you guys

dragged me out of the house.

Oh, sweetheart, I didn't

doubt you for a second.

Oh, God, you know,

I forgot what it was

like to have real friends,

like, true friends.

I know.

Before you guys, my only friend

was that lady on Google Maps.

You're pretty much

the first bitches

to ever talk to me

at this school, so...

I'm so happy we found

each other, you guys.

- Me too.

- Me three.

Let's hug for

a really long time.

Come on, bring it in.

Bring it in.

Hey, will you guys

give me, like, a second?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, honey. Sure.

- Okay.

- Sure, take a minute.

- Digest it.

- Thanks.

What, did you come

to gloat?

No. No, no, I'm just

seeing if you're okay.

I'm fine. Everything's fine.

I'm fine.

- Okay. I don't wanna bother you.

- No, I'm good.

It's just that the PTA

was the only good thing in my

life and now I've lost that, too.

Come on, Gwendolyn,

your life is awesome.

You have, like,

three boats.

- I have four boats.

- Okay.

But, no...

My life is so not awesome.

Gwendolyn, what could

possibly be wrong?

Oh, God.

Okay, well,

for starters...

My husband was just arrested

for embezzling

$100 million from

a children's charity.

And I have night terrors.

And I have to take Vicodin every 20

minutes, and I'm not even in any pain.

I'm just addicted

to them now.

I'm pretty sure

my brother-in-law

just joined ISIS,

and he's a Jew!

Oh, and also, my DVR just

stopped recording Castle.

Just out of nowhere.

Like, how the fuck

does that even happen?

And I am the only thing

holding my family together,

so, yeah, it's awesome.

It's just awesome.

Wow.

I had no idea.

Yeah.

You just always acted like

everything was so perfect.

Hey,

I'm really sorry about

what I did to your daughter.

I promise you I will get her back

on the soccer team, all right?

I know that was

a really shitty thing to do.

- Yeah.

- Even for me.

Listen, we're all

bad moms, right?

Yeah.

That was literally the only

thing you said tonight

that made

any fuckin' sense.

Bye.

Hey, guys. Can I talk

to you for a second?

Yeah.

Look, I just wanna say

I'm really sorry for how

I've been acting lately.

Oh, it's fine. Yeah, it's just

menopause, right?

No.

It's not menopause.

And I'm sorry

for acting so crazy

about the whole

soccer thing.

I'm really trying

to chill out more.

I mean, it's just

soccer. Right?

I got you back on

the soccer team.

- Shut up!

- Shut up.

Shut your face!

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much, Mom.

Oh, I love you.

Get in here.

There. Oh, I love you guys

so much.

You're amazing kids.

I promise, I promise

to always be here for you.

Oh.

My babies.

Oh...

- I almost forgot!

- Where is he going?

Why is he

touching the oven?

I made a frittata.

Did you just say "frittata"?

You said you weren't gonna

cook for us anymore,

so I taught

myself how to cook.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you!

Get in here. I love you.

- I love you.

- Okay, okay, all right, all right.

Okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, okay.

All right, okay, let go.

Okay. I gotta go

do my homework.

Who are you?

♪ I said, "You're holding back". ♪

♪ She said, ♪

♪ "Shut up and dance with me!" ♪

♪ This woman is my destiny. ♪

♪ She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo, ♪

♪ Shut up and dance with me!" ♪

Oh, hold on. Sorry, guys.

One sec, one sec.

Hello, this is Amy.

Hey, Amy, it's Dale.

The company is falling apart without you.

Could you please come back?

I will give you

whatever you want.

Whatever?

Whatever I want?

Yes! Yes! Anything.

Okay, um, well,

I wanna double my pay.

I wanna work from

home two days a week.

Oh, and I wanna hire three

women over the age of 12

to fill out my team.

Okay, okay, fine. Anything you want.

Can you start today?

Oh, no, no. No, sorry,

today's not good for me.

I'll start sometime next week.

Thanks. Bye-bye.

- Come here.

- Love you.

- Great day at school.

- Love you, Mom.

I love you kiddos.

Be great, okay?

- Okay.

- Be amazing. Be awesome.

Love you!

When did they

get so big?

I don't know.

Hey, what would happen

if I came over Friday night,

brought a great

bottle of wine,

you know,

made you a nice dinner,

maybe ran you a hot bath and

someone just took care of you...

- I love you.

- ...for a change?

- What did you just say?

- What?

- What was that?

- I said nothing.

- You said nothing.

- I meant to say that I...

God, I would love that.

I would love that.

- Great.

- Yeah.

- I'll see you Friday.

- Okay.

I'll see you after school.

Be good, okay?

Hey, how's it going?

I'm doing amazing.

I slept in late, skipped my workout,

had, like, four donuts.

I told these kids,

"Look, you get yourself

ready for school today."

And my husband totally

Fifty-Shaded me this morning.

- Oh.

- I've never felt better.

Wow.

Yeah.

Hi!

Did you remember

Maddie's backpack?

Shoot. No, I left it

in the car.

Okay, well, let's go get it, dude.

Right?

Chop-chop.

I'm so sorry.

Be right back.

It's not gonna

grab itself.

Hey, Jackson.

I, uh...

I made you lunch today.

It's a hummus

wrap with some kale.

Gross!

Yeah, I know, it sounds

totally disgusting,

but it's supposed to

be good for you, so...

And I'm gonna come to your

baseball game tomorrow night.

For real?

I'm gonna stay the

whole stupid game.

Mmm-hmm.

Because...

I love you.

And stuff.

Oh.

Still cannot believe I pushed

that thing outta my chotch.

Hey. What's up,

pretty ladies?

What should we

do today?

How about we

go to brunch?

Mmm.

Oh, how about we go

to "Color Me Mine"

and make each

other salad bowls?

- I love it.

- Oh, I got an idea.

Why don't we try something

that doesn't suck?

Hey, bitches! Get in.

Wait.

- Holy shit.

- Wait. Wait. Wait. Is that...

Well, I have my husband's

plane for the whole day,

so where do you guys

wanna go, huh?

You know what? Gwendolyn's

starting to grow on me, guys.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I think

she's a really good person.

- Come on, come on!

- Very generous.

My role as a mother was

so hit-and-miss.

I was a little looser,

but too loose in many ways.

I would give her whiskey.

We left the country when

she was seven years old.

My mom kept telling me that

we were moving up the street.

And then we flew to L.A.

My mother's

a filthy liar.

When I went into

labor and stuff,

I didn't even ask if

it was a boy or a girl.

I just asked

for Demerol.

I heard someone

calling my name.

"Please come to

the service desk."

I thought,

What's that?

And I looked around,

there was no Kathryn.

- She was three years old.

- I was three years old.

I'm thinking,

oh, my God, that was bad!

When I was

nine years old,

um, my mom took me to see

Cruising in the theaters

- because she loved Al Pacino.

- I loved Al Pacino.

Cruising is

a movie about a man

investigating the

underworld of S&M gay clubs

because there was a man murdering

men after raping them.

Al Pacino.

You do stupid

things as a parent

and you're like, "Oh, they're fine,

they're fine,"

and then you're

in the hospital.

Yeah, of course you lie to

your kids, of course you do,

and you go through their things.

You have to.

You go through

my things?

Sometimes you have

to make people happy,

to lie a little bit.

You know?

Easter Bunny.

Tooth Fairy.

Food out for

Santa Claus.

You had me clean

the fireplace that year.

Yeah, well, that was

a good idea anyway.

Like a chimney sweep.

I would just be all,

you know, upset

because of the way

I thought that it had to be.

You know, I was so angry one

day, and I said to her,

"Dominic doesn't like you,

Eric doesn't like you."

You told me to fuck off.

"Laura doesn't like you.

Your dad doesn't like you."

You said, "Fuck you, Mom."

Or something like that.

"I don't like you, and the

dog doesn't like you."

Yeah, I don't know

what I was thinking.

I just really didn't

have a clue about...

You were perfect.

Yeah, it kind of

worked out for her.

It worked out perfectly.

I had the best

childhood.

I loved my childhood.

I had a very

happy childhood.

And we would

have the best days.

Yeah, it was absolutely like some

of the best times of my life.

You were an amazing mom.

Which is fine.

I feel good.

It's nuts being a mom, guys.

Raising kids is

an amazing experience.

I did some mistakes, but the end,

I can see it's not as bad.

They survived.

In spite of us.

Now, thank goodness...

You know, she turned out to be

the wonderful woman that she is.

I think

she's perfect.

The love that you had

when that kid was born,

that you didn't have...

It is a miracle.

It's the wife that she is

and the mother that she is,

and I'm really

proud of just her.

- Mom.

- Yeah.

She's so good, like a mom.

She's so good.

- Yeah.

- Thanks, Mommy.

So I think she's the

best mom in the world,

and I go, "I wish, you know,

I'd been more like that."

Oh.

- I love you.

- I love you, hon.

I love you, Mommy.

Aw.

You said it would

be fun, Kathryn.

Don't touch my makeup.

See this shit?