Bad Manners (1984) - full transcript
Four teens on the run from an orphanage spring a fellow orphan recently adopted by a rich family, then trash the whole house.
(lawn sprinkler ticking)
(siren blaring in the distance)
(80's rock music)
[Officer] This is unit 26 heading east
on Magnolia toward Bleeding Hearts.
Roger, I got you.
(80's rock music)
Cozy looking little dump isn't it?
(horn honking)
[Kurtz] Hello, yes who is it?
LAPD, Ma'am.
[Kurtz] Oh yes, you stay there,
and I'll open the gate.
(metal bangs) (tires squealing)
[Officer] You're gonna this place kid.
It's just like home, only you don't have
a home to compare it to do you?
(birds cawing)
Out you go, Princess.
Welcome to Bleeding Heart, Piper.
Let's get off on the right foot, shall we?
(dramatic music)
(all shouting at once)
[Whitey] I'm sorry if I hurt your foot.
[Mouse] Block shot.
Going, going. (glass breaking)
(all talking at once)
(giggling)
Up!
- And I thought I had zits.
- You are a zit.
Those are freckles fool.
Oh man here's wearing earrings.
One earring.
- In his left ear.
- So?
So, left ear Buccaneer,
right ear queer.
[Whitey] Right ear Buccaneer,
left ear queer.
Okay, okay, so he's queer.
- He looks like a mule.
- So what.
You think he's a junkie?
Yeah he looks like a junkie.
[Mouse] That's how come he killed her.
Killed who?
His mother, she was getting
his cocaine so he iced her.
[Whitey] Wow.
(all talking at once)
Hey wait a minute,
you're forgetting something
that I'm the leader of this gang.
What gang?
[Kurtz] You kids get away
from that fence.
(all shouting at once)
(cat meowing)
What the hell are you doing to that cat?
[Announcer] Tomorrow's breakfast will be
egg surprise.
Tomorrow's lunch will be
soybean surprise again.
[Professor] It's gross then,
quit playing them.
[Kurtz] We thought we'd let you
stay next to me and my bunk.
This is the Robert Louis Stevenson wing.
This is your bunk.
[Piper] Great.
Cut that out.
Here's your uniform, now unpack.
[Mouse] He looks like a monkey.
How come you got bars on your windows?
That's to keep you from slipping
on the highly polished
floor, falling out the window,
and contracting an abrasion,
contusion, laceration,
or puncture.
If you ask me,
I think he looks like a jerk.
Girl I swear you are all mouth.
So what do you bet
he makes a run for it?
[Mouse] He gave him Sherman's old bunk.
What ever happened to old Sherman?
They sold him off a year
and a half ago, remember?
Oh yeah.
They did?
Hey Whitey, before you was born
did your mama do a lot of acid?
Give me that.
Hey you touch that, I kill you.
That's my mother.
Oh.
Oh, Kurtz!
[Kurtz] Get back here.
[Joey] Wait up you guys,
I gotta tie my shoe.
Morning, Sister.
(woman screaming)
Good morning.
You wanted me?
I'm Dr. Bender.
I'm going to be your psychiatrist,
Piper.
Sit down, take your shoes off.
Let's be pals.
You like to play gin?
What's wrong Piper?
Something's bugging you,
something way down deep.
You can tell me,
I'm Dr. Bender.
I'm going to be your psychiatrist,
Piper.
You got not bars on your windows.
Tell Dr. Bender what's wrong.
Is it sex?
I'll tell you what, now Piper,
you tell me everything you know
and I'll fill in the gaps.
Whoo Piper.
Protein see?
Oh you kids are so wild.
[Woman On TV] Oh, the high seas.
Okay stand up, we gotta
get all the energy we got.
I'm Sister Serena,
Executive Administrator of the home.
♪ Jesus loves the little children ♪
Whey don't we get some light in here.
Do you have a marriage license?
Now, why don't you tell me
your reason for wanting to adopt.
Well we tried it with a dog.
♪ Black and white they are precious ♪
[Kurtz] Mouse, Mouse, come here Mouse.
♪ Jesus loves the little children ♪
♪ All the children of the world ♪
Mouse?
Mouse?
Hello Mouse.
Okay, let's go.
Here we are.
Where'd you get them, a swap meet?
Well, Bartholomew I would
like you to meet...
My name is Mouse.
Oh, isn't that cute?
Why don't I let the three
of you get acquainted?
(motor revving)
Why Mother?
[Marvin] The hat, the hat, watch the hat.
I'll leave you three alone.
And remember Bartholomew, no biting.
Come on.
[Marvin] There that's better.
Oh, Mouse loosen up, relax.
Oh Marvin isn't it divine?
I feel like a mother already.
I have my instincts you know.
My dreams, my hopes, and my. (gasping)
Oh my God.
He isn't even house broken.
Take him to the meditation chamber.
Ice him.
I'll get you tomorrow, you're dead.
Shit.
(bell ringing)
Mother Celestina,
would you care to say grace?
Say what?
Nurse Bates, please.
You're supposed to say grace.
Oh, drink your milk kiddies,
it's good for you.
Dearest God, bless this food.
May it strengthen our little bodies
and help us to grow.
And God bless Mother Celestina
for founding the home, dear mother.
(calm music)
(flatulating)
(people gagging)
That's about it Lord.
Amen.
(all shouting at once)
Mouse pissed on some broad, pass it on.
Mouse pissed on some broad.
Mouse pissed on some bread.
Mouse pissed on that bread.
Bread?
Announcement.
Children quiet.
(glass breaking)
What a dork.
A few announcements.
As we all know, Susie Trotter will be
leaving us tomorrow for a new life.
[Joey] Good riddens.
Susie (clapping)
All right.
[Susie] Sister.
Who did that?
Tasty spuds.
You're seven minutes late.
Sit down Piper, and don't start.
(upbeat jazz music)
Boo.
That's Mouse's seat.
Oh yeah, who's Mouse?
Hey, what are you looking at pervert?
We've already said grace, Piper.
You may say one of your own.
One of your own.
(upbeat jazz music)
[Chubby] What a schmuck.
I hope you realize you're going to
eat that young man.
All of it.
I'm not hungry.
Looks good to me.
Can it, Chubby.
Piper, eat.
(plate bangs)
(children moaning) (dramatic music)
Kurtz, escort Piper
to the meditation chamber please.
With pleasure.
(dramatic music)
Come on baby, come on.
I'll crush your skull like a pie crust.
Son of a bitch electrocuted me.
We now have two in the meditation chamber.
Anyone care to be the third?
(plates banging)
(whistle blowing)
(all shouting at once)
(somber music)
What'd you do that for?
This ain't no fish fry.
Hey man, you're a racist just like me.
Put it there, man.
You know I can't stand white people.
You really kill your mother?
I what?
We hear you orphaned yourself.
And here did you hear that?
From him.
And where'd you hear that?
Have you been lying to me again?
Would I lie to you?
[Blackie] You'd lie
to your own mother if had one.
All right kid.
Man I ain't no goddamn orphan,
I'm an undesirable.
Then why they ship you here?
Got an unfit parent,
what you call ward of the state.
But not for long.
You mean you're gonna break?
We're gonna break too, right guys?
Yeah right.
You kidding me?
You guys could never hack it
on the outside.
You got no street smarts.
Hey, them fighting words white boy.
Hey, who said that?
Me.
Oh sorry, couldn't see you
in the dark.
Look you're cruising white boy.
Oh no, scare me to death,
scare me to death.
Hey, pick on somebody your own size.
You a boy or a girl?
What difference does that make?
Yeah, obviously a girl.
Typical homo,
can't even tell the difference.
You guys are so lame.
You got a lot to learn.
Yeah, too bad I won't be
around to learn it.
(all shouting at once)
[Robot] Good night Kurtz,
sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.
[Kurtz] Silence.
(harmonica playing)
[Larry] Kurtz, Frank said the F word.
[Frank] Did not.
[Larry] Did too.
[Frank] Did not.
[Larry] Did too.
[Frank] Oh fuck you Larry.
I'm not the one that wipe smeared.
[Larry] I know, you used
all the toilet paper.
Oh shit.
[Frank] The odor's coming out
of your sleeping bag.
[Larry] It's not,
it's coming out of yours.
That's why it's all brown.
How many men have you killed?
Don't you ever give up?
Just tell me how many.
Seven.
How many with your bare hands?
11.
Silence.
Pretty good.
(calm music)
♪ Jesus loves me this I know ♪
♪ For the bible tells me so ♪
You're gonna break huh?
Take me with you.
You're nuts.
I got a plan.
You got a plan?
You don't even got hair on your cock.
Gonna need money.
Look, my mom's got tons of money.
Okay.
Good luck.
[Professor] Could you
please send me some water?
Now Piper.
Apparently the judge thinks
you're a pretty rotten kid.
It says here that when you were six
you were sticking up
lemonade stands with a gun.
It was a staple gun,
Oh really, have you ever had
somebody put a staple
in your eye, have you ever felt
what that was like?
Have you ever sat
on a jackhammer?
Did you, did you enjoy it?
Excuse me.
Now Piper.
(whoopie cushion expels air)
I noticed you list your mother's
occupation as entertainer.
What kind of entertaining did she do?
Don't talk about my mother.
I want you to talk about her.
I love my mother.
You and the Dodgers.
(punch lands) Whoo, Piper.
You little rascal,
you messed up my makeup.
(air horn blows)
Oh shit.
(horns blaring) (dogs barking)
(all shouting at once)
(80's rock music)
Guys the fence,
warn him about the fence.
Man he's gonna fry for sure.
(electricity crackles)
Oh man.
[Joey] Is he dead?
Bates, pick him up, dust him off,
and throw him
in the meditation chamber.
Yes Sister.
Why don't she come out here
walking through this field?
Shit my feet hurt, these damn weeds.
Piper, let me find that
little motherfucker, I'll kill him.
Did I hear cheering?
I thought I heard cheering.
So what if you did?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks for telling me
about the fence you guys.
[All] You didn't ask.
This is the the last time
I ever stick up for that ingrate.
Yeah.
Shut your face.
Hey bite my hiney.
[Joey] Your mama.
(punches landing)
Get of me.
You guys don't fight fair.
I like that.
Blood brothers.
Too corny.
Listen asshole,
real blood is never corny.
(calm music)
What did you cut that one for?
My favorite.
(groaning in pain)
Let's see if the man's afraid
of a little of my blood.
(80's rock music)
You guys mind if I fake it?
Yes.
I can get a bloody nose just like that.
(80's rock music)
Hey, it's pretty good, all right.
Aren't we supposed to say something?
Family.
[All] Family.
From now on, it's us against them.
Who's them?
Okay, everybody out.
I said everybody on the floor!
(pots banging)
Have one.
I've had enough of that stuff.
[Chubby] Who sat on my food?
[Kurtz] Now remember children,
today is visiting day.
That means we should all be in
a clean uniform,
on our best behavior.
We should all stay close
to our bunks.
We'll be meeting some lovely
prospective parents.
Here want to look?
[Joey] Where's Sister Serena
this morning?
She went outside
about 10 minutes ago.
Hey something's fishy.
Yeah, the egg.
[Mouse] Gross it's an egg paddle.
This is the cafeteria.
Don't get up.
Our children are raised
on a high protein, low fat diet.
(fly buzzing) And they love it.
Of course the Bleeding Heart
child represents
a very special challenge
to today's modern parents.
Some of them are extraordinarily
bright, and terribly damaged.
Nice red head.
[Whitey] If she likes red heads.
Well, let's see
I'm sure we'll find something.
[Piper] Yeah like lice.
How about something
a little south-of-the-border?
No, we already have a gardener.
Oh, well,
let's see,
how about a blonde?
[Piper] How about
a kick in the teeth?
(fly buzzing)
Fingers are hurt, gnarled.
And we have blonde.
(laughing)
Of course, silly.
Already, yeah.
Oh hi, cute.
[Warren] Oh my God.
They're a matching set.
We can't have half of the set?
No.
No they cannot be separated, take two.
I love the clean one.
Well,
how about this, nice conversation piece?
Oh little munchkin, sweetie.
Darling, he's adorable.
Yeah?
(flatulating)
Is that a major gastric problem
he's got there?
Oh no no, no it's cafeteria food.
It's nothing disgusting?
Oh no no, you take him out,
start him on ice cream,
it'll smooth right out.
Great news.
(burbs)
He is, he is adorable.
But, you think he will match
the other two?
I don't think he should.
I think it's better
if he stands out like a sore thumb.
Don't you?
I mean.
I think it's got much more impact
if we make it
painfully obvious that he's adopted.
Well, we've already had
a bid on this one.
Oh, well we can top it.
Really?
Say cheese.
(camera clicks)
[Mother Celestina]
Say what?
Here son, let me put your things
in the trunk.
All right you hang on to that.
[Professor]
Eat your heart out justice.
I can't believe it.
It's because you're so damn cute.
I am not.
You are too.
Well anyway, I already got
a family, right guys, guys?
Garth has been having some problems.
But we just thought it was time
to get some new blood in the family.
Now Sarah's perfectly normal mind you,
perfectly normal, my Sarah.
Oh look, he's got
a little football helmet.
A macho little thing isn't he?
Beautiful car.
It's yellow, yes.
Beautiful color.
You like it?
It's mine.
[Warren] German made.
Incredible resale value
with these things.
But as you say, who's selling?
God is your mother a dog.
Boy you'd think with the price
of gasoline today
that little beaner could
at least catch the headlights
as well as the windshield,
wouldn't you dear?
[Gladys] Lovely dear.
Thank you, thank you.
You didn't have a chance man.
The way sardine face was pushing you.
She was desperate man,
she hasn't moved a kid
off this lot since the Christmas rush.
The inventory's been stacking up.
Here, you're gonna need these.
Wear them in good health.
Here's my address,
in case you're ever in the neighborhood.
Santa Barbara, pretty ritzy.
Great, you go.
Oh man this is getting morbid.
I tell you Mouse,
just give them the old treatment.
You'll be back here inside of a week.
The treatment?
Use your imagination
[Mouse] Yeah right.
[Sister Serena] Well Bartholomew,
away we go.
Buckle up Bartholomew,
and I'll give you a nice Dramamine.
One last thing.
Why don't we get
a signature on this check?
(laughing)
All set?
We got one.
[Sister Serena] Bye bye, bye bye.
♪ And he's gone away
and he's gonna look back ♪
♪ And he's looking real sad
and he's feeling real bad ♪
♪ It's a Mercedes Benz
and the sky is so clear ♪
[Gladys] That seatbelt looks
a little loose dear.
[Mouse] So does your face.
[Joey] See you Mouse.
[Whitey] See you.
[Piper] Shit.
♪ It's kind of like the movies
I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Where all the music starts ♪
♪ And people near you say quietly ♪
♪ It's kind of like the movies
I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Where all the music starts ♪
♪ And people near you say quietly ♪
♪ It's kind of like the movies
I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Where all the music starts ♪
♪ And people near you say quietly ♪
This is your house?
That's right son.
Free and clear?
That's right.
Now Bartholomew, before we go in
I think we should have a little talk.
Well Gladys I wanted to...
Warren, please let me
handle this myself.
Now Bartholomew, as you know,
life is a series of
back and forth exchange...
Well it's more than back and forth...
Warren, Warren, please let me handle this.
Handle what?
Now, our son.
Garth.
Garth has been having some diff...
Problems.
Problems.
All that we ask is that you
just behave as though...
Just be yourself.
Be yourself, and try not to stare.
Just behave.
- Just act normal.
- Act normal.
And try to draw him out
a little bit if you...
Warren, if you interrupt me
one more time,
I'm going to, I don't know what...
Oh or Christ's sake,
Gladys what are you trying to do,
monopolize all the airwaves
in this car?
Now don't you gotta snarky
with me Warren Fitzpatrick.
Back off Gladys, and I mean it.
Why you arrogant,
air headed son of a bitch.
I am not arrogant.
How much are you people worth?
Let's go in the house.
Sarah?
[Sarah] You are so clueless,
I can't believe you did that.
Carnation, Carnation?
(speaking in foreign language)
Okie dokie.
Grande scotch.
Sarah, Sarah?
Brad I'll call you back, okay.
Judy, oh sorry BJ,
let me talk to you later.
[Gladys] Sarah?
Lita, hold on.
Sarah get off the phone.
Look who's here.
This is your new little brother.
No no no, no no, no.
Who cuts his hair?
What's wrong with his hair?
It's so '70's.
[Warren] No no no, those are rented.
Oh you'll see, we're going
to have lots of fun around here
when there's somebody
in the house who isn't
Spoiled rotten?
Spoiled rotten!
Isn't that right?
Right away honey.
I've heard of impulse buying,
but this is obscene.
(keys clacking)
Hey, what are you doing now?
That's not some game
where little red dots
eat little blue dots,
it's an adult's computer.
What do I look like an idiot?
[Warren] Well you're, no you don't.
You do all your banking
from here, don't you?
All the domestic banking, yeah.
Rolodex, speed dialing,
very impressive.
Honey.
Honey, come in here
and take a look at this.
Looks like things are
getting better already.
Don't, don't, aren't they dear?
And here is your room,
Bartholomew.
Isn't it beautiful?
God I love being rich.
Just think, Bartholomew.
You're going to spend
the rest of your childhood here,
what's left of it.
Now you know we just want you
to be normal, that's all.
We want you to
just be yourself, okay?
(knocking on door)
Bartholomew, while I'm here
is there anything
you'd like to have sent to
the dry cleaners?
(door locking)
(gagging)
(contemplative music)
♪ It's kind of like the movies
I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Where all the music starts ♪
♪ And people near you say ♪
(wall crushing)
Who are you?
Nobody.
[Gladys] Garth,
what have you done now?
Open this door this minute.
It wasn't him Miss Lady.
It was me, the new kid, remember?
Dad, dad get up here right away.
Leave your father out
of this now, dear.
(dramatic music)
Dad!
I'll just leave you alone
by yourself, okay.
Oh my God, oh no.
Oh my God!
Oh my God, no!
He voided our checking account.
What is it?
He gave away all our money.
Warren, please don't do anything.
Don't do anything please.
Yeah, can I have the number please
for the Sister Serena School
for Misfits?
No you spell Serena,
that's your job.
Look it up.
Darling, darling,
it's just a testing period.
It's perfectly normal, I mean
all little children do that.
We have to give him time,
we have to give him love.
We have to give him lots
and lots of love.
We have to give him a hammer
and some nails,
and let him fix this house.
Give him back.
Oh shut up!
(ominous music)
(girl screaming)
(somber music)
Dearest God, bless us.
And bless those who are
no longer with us.
How much did you get for him?
May it strength...
[Blackie]
Never should have let him go.
Maybe he wanted to go.
[Sister Serena] May it strengthen out
little bodies.
Would you want to go
with those people?
He was crying.
Piper, did you say something?
Yeah, eat me.
Amen.
(all shouting at once)
Well isn't this nice?
All of us together, calm,
civilized, sharing.
Darling, since when does Carnation
have to cook him a special meal?
Oh, there's no cooking involved dear.
After all, he eats it raw.
This fish was frozen.
[Sarah] Nice diapers, Garth.
(record scratches)
Are those prescription sunglasses, son?
No.
Would you mind taking them off?
Yes.
Bartholomew, are you done
with your artichoke?
[Mouse] Yeah.
Then would you ring for the soup?
What?
I said why don't you ring for the soup?
I don't get it.
You pick up that little bell
right next to your plate,
and you ring it,
and Carnation brings us the soup.
Why don't we get our own soup?
Well we could of course.
But it's nicer this way,
don't you think?
Nicer for who?
Oh just ring the damn bell.
Oh. (screaming)
Oh Jesus, that's a Tiffany bell.
(all shouting at once)
Come on, spit it out, out.
(all shouting at once)
It's coming out young man.
Doctor he's choking.
Well, for God's sake call an ambulance.
[Mouse] Let me go.
Cough if up, you little fart.
(speaking in foreign language)
(silver clattering)
They were stealing our silverware,
oh my God.
If I find the key to the rolls
in there, you are history.
[Gladys] You wouldn't believe
what happened.
Bartholomew swallowed the bell,
the dinner bell.
Did seem at all depressed?
[Gladys] I don't know, why would
he do something dumb like that?
[Sister Serena] Has he at any time
expressed a desire to kill himself?
Well, I suggest you make arrangements
to have his stomach pumped, immediately.
He's taken the old dive
for the medicine chest.
Swallowed every pill in sight.
Oh no, I'm afraid he's yours.
[Gladys] No.
[Sister Serena] Check your contract.
You have him a minimum of a year,
and don't you dare give him back
to me dead.
Gees, he's just a little kid.
We've got to rescue him.
How?
We've gotta escape first, come on.
How many did you give him?
10 milligrams, he's out like
a light.
Well, give him 10 more.
What do you want to do dear,
put him in a coma?
Just for a year.
Warren.
Gladys.
[Blackie] Are you sure he tried
to kill himself?
[Joey] They're pumping
his stomach right now.
(dramatic music)
[Whitey] Well, maybe she's just
a really rotten cook.
[Blackie] Shut up, Whitey.
We never should've let him go.
(dramatic music)
Yeah, but we're gonna get him back
you guys okay, tonight.
We have to figure out
a way to get over that fence.
What if we drugged sardine face?
And Kurtz.
And bag Bates?
What if we just kill them?
Stay out of this.
Hey, wait a second you guys.
What if we kill the fence?
Don't be stupid, you can't kill a fence.
I mean we can go down to the basement,
we can kill the juice.
(dramatic music)
(liquid flowing)
[Joey] Don't forget to put
the seat down when you're done.
(keys clacking)
You asked to see me, Sister?
Yes Kurtz, come in.
You look tired.
Drink?
You know I can't drink.
Well,
I think things have been
going very well lately.
Don't you Kurtz?
What do you think?
I love you.
Don't be silly.
I'm a nun.
You're a woman too.
(groaning in pain)
Come on you guys, let's go.
(80's rock music)
(grunts)
Oh shit, the janitor's right by the door.
Come on, I gotta an idea.
Wait, I gotta get my hat.
(80's rock music)
Oh man, screw this.
Oh.
You may go Kurtz, thank you.
You're welcome.
(80's rock music)
Hey.
I'm gonna give it right back.
[Whitey] Hey Chubby,
lend me your assistance.
I want a sworn affidavit
you're gonna give it back.
Not too fast.
I can't help it.
Piper, pinch my nose.
Pinch my nose.
Oh Pepe, come in Pepe.
You heard me.
Hold on a second baby,
just one second.
Yes Sister, what you want?
I thought I told you
to clean up that kitchen.
I just clean up the goddamn kitchen.
[Joey] It looks filthy.
Hey listen baby.
I gotta go mutilate
some little kids.
Hey, I see you
in the sack tonight all right?
(mimics sucking)
I love you.
- Ta da.
- Perfect.
No way, you guys got a mess up the kitchen.
Blackie, come on.
You're going the wrong way.
[Joey] Yeah, but Pepe went the right way.
[Piper] Come on Whitey, we'll get the fence.
(80's rock music)
Pepe, is that you?
Listen you ugly bitch.
You get the hell out of my life
or I'll punch your freaking face in.
How dare you.
(80's rock music)
(speaking in foreign language)
(80's rock music)
What the hell are you doing?
I'm trying to pick the goddamn lock.
Man, get out of the way.
Just call me Bruce.
(80's rock music)
Okay fence, stand back.
Now, somebody turned it on.
Yeah, Serena who else?
I'm gonna go for it.
(electricity crackles) (groaning in pain)
Man Serena's on to us, come on.
Joey, Blackie!
(80's rock music)
- Freeze.
- Your Mama.
[Kurtz] Get back here you.
(girls screaming)
[Piper] Hey come on everybody,
everybody get up.
[Kurtz] I got it turned up
to the maximum.
(girls screaming)
Get away from me, get away, stay back.
I'll turn on the juice.
(dramatic music)
Going someplace?
Watch it Sister, I got you covered.
My mace from my rape prevention class.
You wish.
You ain't bad.
Blackie.
Rape.
[Blackie] You loving it bitch,
you loving it.
Ooh rape, oh Blackie rape Blackie.
Bates.
[Piper] Look out Whitey, I'm coming through.
[Bates] Oh Pepe, I'm so glad you here.
[Pepe] It looks like it's going down.
Mr. Kurtz.
How fresh are those batteries
in your cattle prod?
I put new ones
in this morning Sister, Duracell.
Me too.
(dramatic music)
(electricity crackling)
♪ We are the wild ones ♪
♪ In trouble again ♪
♪ We've got to blow this place
and stay away ♪
♪ Never looking back ♪
(all shouting at once)
♪ We got a long long history ♪
♪ Of living it on the edge ♪
(Mother Celestina yelling)
(metal crunching)
♪ All we want to do is shake ♪
[Piper]
I hope Mouse appreciates this.
♪ And we start grooving ♪
(dogs barking)
[Joey] They sent us dogs.
[Blackie] Dogs, that's a werewolf.
♪ And we living from the edge ♪
♪ And all we want to do
is just shake it from the edge ♪
♪ And all we want to do
is just shake it from the edge ♪
♪ And all we want to do
is just shake it from the edge ♪
♪ And all we want to do
is just shake ♪
(coughing)
[Piper] Oh man, I gotta quit smoking.
They've been very, very,
very, very, very, very bad.
I can't understand why anybody'd want
to leave this place.
Wait a minute, hold it just a second.
I know exactly
where those little rug rats went.
to Santa Barbara to hook up with
the brain damaged kid
we unloaded this morning.
Don't worry sister,
I'll stop those little dick heads.
(dramatic music)
[Blackie] Don't make it too big,
or somebody will see it.
[Whitey] Don't worry man,
I got a fire hose right in my pants.
Squirt gun, you mean.
Man it's colder out here
than Serena's tits.
So, what about your old man,
Piper?
I never met the man.
My mom locked me
in a closet you know.
Then she moved to New York.
My mom's doing time.
What about your dad?
Mom shot him.
What about you Blackie?
He won't talk about it.
He was there when it happened.
[Piper] What about Mouse's folks?
They died.
Right.
(somber music)
Listen, if you guys want to circle jerk,
I can go in the tent.
We don't have a tent.
[All] Whitey.
(thunder rolling)
Bartholomew?
[Mouse] Yeah?
You're trying to get out of here aren't you?
[Mouse] Yeah.
They'll never let you go.
They accumulate.
They never let go.
[Mouse] Oh.
They're Americans.
[Mouse] Oh, right.
They never let go.
[Mouse] God, what a geek.
(birds singing)
(glass breaking)
(metal crunching)
(calm music)
[Joey] Oh my God.
What?
Oh my God.
- What?
- Oh my God.
A rat, a rat, get it off.
I think it Frenched me.
[Piper] Ah shit.
Would you put that thing away?
[Blackie] Hey, where are we?
Oh shit, this is the dump.
[Blackie] What's it look like,
Cape Cod?
A real float.
[Piper] Dude, let's take
the motorcycle.
[Joey] If we get disguises,
they're never gonna find us.
(calm music)
Now what?
We gotta go north.
[Piper] Oh great, which way?
This way.
Some method.
Actually it's flawless.
You see, the ocean is
near here somewhere
running on a north and south axis.
The prevailing daytime
convection current
is an offshore wind going
perpendicular to the coast,
making the ocean there,
and north this way.
Perpendicular to the axis?
That's right.
[Whitey] Well in that case you guys,
let's hit it.
[Joey] Hold on you guys,
I'm gonna wet my pants.
[Piper] Perpendicular to the ocean, huh?
Yeah, an ocean of weeds.
[Joey] I can't believe
we swallowed that line.
[Blackie] Yeah, well I can't believe
you swapped spit with a rat.
[Whitey] I can't believe that...
[Piper] Whitey, don't try to talk and walk
at the same time, you can't handle it.
[Joey] I wonder how Mouse is doing.
[Whitey] What if he's dead?
Get on.
Wait a second.
Smart.
Wouldn't want to see that little brain
spattered all over the highway now would we?
(80's rock music)
[Joey] I'm thirsty.
[Blackie] Ah man.
[Piper] I thought you had to pee.
[Joey] What can I say, it's a vicious cycle.
If I'd have known this was such
a schlep I'd have packed a bag.
[Blackie] Shut up.
[Joey] Your mama.
[Piper] Oh God, what is your problem?
♪ Tallyho tallyho motorcycle midget
hit the road ♪
♪ From the sea to the snow
California highway is his home ♪
♪ This tiny buddy is
a friend of them ♪
♪ No I wouldn't laugh at him ♪
♪ You better roll with them ♪
[Caller] Two drink minimum,
we got nine on tap.
Live love acts.
It's disgusting, you'll love it.
And I mean love acts,
it's disgusting.
Hey Piper, why don't we go
see your mother.
Hey, shut up man.
[Joey] I just have to go
to the bathroom.
[Blackie] Hey come on,
get your ass out of there, come on.
Step right up to the Adam
and Eve love act here.
[Blackie] Girl I swear,
your mouth is like
a trash compactor.
Girl you nasty, come on.
Okay you guys,
I figure we need 10 bucks each.
Hey Joey, where you going?
To the bathroom.
But you don't know what to do.
Oh yes I do.
Hey lady, where's the bathroom.
Coming through, hot stuff.
Hey lady, lend me 10 bucks
for a pay toilet.
[Woman] Hey hey, what are you doing?
Let go of that you little shit.
Kiss you for a dollar.
I heard you were giving it away.
[Piper] Extra extra,
alien speaks through Pia Zadora.
Come on let's go, let's go, let's go.
Come on I ain't got time,
let's go.
You say it's this one,
nope you wrong again.
Hey nigger don't touch my cards.
Hey nigger, what'd I tell
about your hands?
Put that money back down.
(all talking at once)
Nope, all you niggers are sorry.
Come on let's go, let's go brother.
You don't know how to play games.
Let's go, let's go, come on,
come on, come on.
You say it's this one,
nope it's wrong.
You ain't got no sense,
come on.
Man you been staring
at the cards, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, which one,
which one.
This the card, this the card,
you say it's the card?
That man been wrong all day,
let's go.
Sir, the big mean guy over there
stole your wallet.
Well thank you son.
Don't you want to give me
a reward?
Nope.
Hey, what about my reward?
[Man] Hey boy.
(punch lands)
Oh shit.
(punches landing)
[Blackie] Ha ha, dumb niggers.
[Whitey] Head to the bus, dude.
We want four tickets to Santa Barbara.
[Whitey] One way.
[Blackie] Kiddie fare, man.
What you got here, you go half way.
[Piper] Hey are you sure
that's kiddie fair?
Are you sure you're kids?
What do we look like?
Bette Midler and the Harlets.
[Blackie] Hey man, didn't you
used to be somebody?
I'm gonna have to
see your birth certificates.
[Joey] Whatever happened
to have a nice day?
Oh man, this sucks.
It sure does.
[Man] Little zit mongers.
Hey can you guys run?
[Joey] Yes.
Okay then, run.
- (dramatic music)
- (whistle blowing)
[Victim] Get those kids!
♪ We are the wild ones ♪
♪ In trouble again ♪
♪ We've got to blow this place
and stay away ♪
♪ Never looking back ♪
(all shouting at once)
(screaming)
♪ All we want to do
is shake living on the edge ♪
♪ All we want to do is shake ♪
♪ Oh yeah oh yeah ♪
[Piper] Taxi.
(brakes squealing)
[Blackie] Oh, that bitch was rich.
Man, check this shit out.
Now this here is class.
If this is class,
then what the hell is that?
A pimp.
My mom goes everywhere in a limo,
even the super market.
Oh really?
With her pimp?
[Joey] Hey, give me a chocolate donut.
Hey, how much you got?
55 big ones.
53 big ones, 51 big ones,
come on man you got the money.
Come on somebody's got the money,
come on Piper.
We got a coffee.
Remember, we bought the donuts.
Hey maybe you guys want to
go to New York.
I'm from New York.
We want to go to Santa Barbara.
Two years ago this guy hails me
at the corner of
sixth avenue and 11th,
he says take me to LA.
I say sure, I got out of
town prices, you got it.
Here I am, it's two years later.
And I'm looking for someone
to take to New York.
Come on dummy.
Hey can you keep your eyes
on the goddamn road.
Hey, there's a white line man.
Just keep your eye
on that meter fella.
Because that baby builds up like
the head of this beer.
[All] Beer?
(80's rock music)
[Radio] You've been listening
to the American Nazi Hour.
Oh man, so far we're golden.
We're not there yet.
Get it on your shirt, boop.
(laughing)
Awe man, I don't know
what it is about
sitting in the back seat,
it always gives me a boner.
Yeah me too.
Forget you guys,
I'm not gonna sit here
and listen to you guys talk
about your weenies,
your units, or schlongs,
or whatever you call them.
Well we could talk
about your itty-bitty titties.
You know how much I hate small talk.
(laughing)
Stop, stop!
Goddamn it, stop!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh shit!
(tires squealing)
(screaming)
You guys, we're not gonna make it.
You worry too much, have another beer.
I don't feel a thing.
Neither do I.
(vomits)
Goddamn, that's disgusting.
Oh snap.
Whitey.
♪ I don't know I don't know ♪
♪ I don't know I don't know ♪
♪ I don't know I don't know ♪
♪ I don't know I don't know ♪
Murray, have you seen Bartholomew?
I can't find him any place.
Oh for Christ's sakes Gladys,
just forget him, we're better off.
Hi Mr. Fitzpatrick,
hi Mrs. Fitzpatrick, is Garth home?
No.
Now go away.
Get yeah, shoo.
Go back to your own planet.
Yes, and put some pants on.
[Woman] Americans.
That's it, last stop, everybody exit.
That's 55 dollars, not including the tip.
Just keep driving, Chubby.
I'm from New York City, stupid, understand?
[Piper] We could have taken him.
Yeah, and we could die alone suckers.
We going in a taxi, huh?
Class all the way right, Piper?
Hey at least we got a buzz off of it, man.
[Whitey] But what about Mouse?
Jesus Christ, Joey.
(tires squealing)
Shit head!
[Dr. Snow] Hi this is Dr. Snow,
and you're on the air.
[Shirley] Hello Dr. Snow, hello.
[Dr. Snow] Turn your radio down,
turn your radio down.
[Shirley] Hello Dr. Snow?
Hi, my name is Shirley and I'm embarrassed.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Why yes.
Why, no. (laughing)
Darling, they found Bartholomew.
[Warren] Great news.
The police are holding him for,
what was it dear, officer?
Disturbing the peace, resisting arrest.
[Warren] He sure will.
And biting an officer.
[Warren] Well, I'll try darling.
And they want us to go and get him.
Right darling, yes.
Because we have to bring some money
to post bail.
Money, what money?
Pancakes, yummy.
Now darling don't you worry.
Because your daddy and me are
gonna be right back.
We just have to go down for one
little minute to the little, the little.
Hall of Justice.
That's right. (crying)
A delinquent, Mom.
I can't believe you adopted
a delinquent.
Tell your father I'm gonna go
warm up the, try (babbling)
- Benz.
- Benz.
What if he breaks out,
and decides to hole up here?
What if there's a shoot out?
Your brother will protect you.
Right, that fag?
Morning Garth, sleep okay?
[Joey] Don't worry about it,
friends of the family.
Looks rich.
Figures, they're rich.
[Piper] So what, they're still geeks.
[Whitey] Well what are we waiting for?
[Joey] Now remember, Mouse is in there.
[Whitey] Right.
[Joey] Act tough.
[Whitey] Right.
[Joey] Don't take no for
an answer.
(knocking on door)
Yes?
What's your problem?
Nice dress.
Here.
[Joey] We're looking for Mouse?
Who?
Who is it Garth?
Some Americans.
(whistling)
So what's his problem?
He's an exchange student,
now what do you want?
We're looking for Mouse.
Hey lady, can I use your bathroom?
How about something to eat?
Good idea, let me fix you something.
Hey guys, go get her.
Now stick to business.
Hey what is this?
This is a kidnapping, girly.
Kids can't do kidnapping,
it's a contradiction in terms.
(dramatic music)
[Whitey] God, am I hungry.
Look lady, I don't want to have
to piss in your sink.
Upstairs and to the left.
[Sarah] How do you know?
These houses are all alike.
(dramatic music)
Oh, coffee.
Hey, what did you think
you were gonna do?
Just walk in here and ask
for him back.
You don't just walk in.
I bet you didn't even make a plan.
Hey, so what?
Do you believe these idiots?
They wanted to kidnap a kid and they
didn't even make a plan, incredible.
Bet that jackknife's your only weapon.
It happens to be a switch blade.
Switch blade.
Hey, quit picking on him.
All I'm saying is
you should have had a plan.
Anyway, it's not too late.
Go in the garage and get some rope.
Hey wait a second, Whitey.
What for?
To tie us up,
you're gonna need hostages.
Well what about Charlie Chan there?
He'll let you do whatever you want,
right Garth?
They're gonna do whatever
they want anyway.
They're Americans.
He's a Buddhist.
Oh, well in that case,
hey Whitey get some gasoline
and a match.
Hey, go back up to mom
and dad's bedroom and get the gun.
Gun?
Just do it.
Well don't just stand there,
find some silk scarves
to gag us with.
Hey, how do you feel
about whips and chains?
Hey black one,
while you're up there
go in mom's closet
and get the whips and chains.
Do you believe these guys?
Total amateurs.
[Warren] Thank you,
thank you very much.
[Gladys] That's horrible,
stop that terrible habit, stop.
120 bucks for what?
I needed to get out of
the house okay.
Is that such a crime?
[Gladys] Officer,
we've only been here...
Just wait till we get home
smart ass, now get in.
Warren, that's illegal.
Put a cork in it Gladys.
Too tight.
They should be home any minute.
Remember you're in control,
you hold all the aces.
(engine revving)
Hey guys look, they even got
a swimming pool.
[Joey] Oh wow I'm going...
Hey come on, I'll take you.
[Sarah] You stay away from that pool!
At least take a shower first!
Listen, you low life piece of shit.
You know for girl who thinks
she's so smart, you sure are stupid.
Now, where's the booze in this dump?
(water splashing)
You dumb shit.
Hello?
Hello?
You ordered a pizza?
Shit.
(flames crackling)
♪ Tallyho tallyho motorcycle midget
hit the road ♪
♪ Tallyho tallyho ♪
(metal banging)
♪ Motorcycle midget ♪
♪ Hit the road ♪
(metal banging)
♪ Motorcycle midget hit the ♪
(tires squealing)
♪ Dancing's leaving me cold ♪
Okay, who wants more martini?
It's never gonna work.
Oh yeah?
(engine cranks and revs)
I told you it was never gonna work.
You sure are thirsty.
Okay Mount Baldy, open up.
♪ So hey there Fancy Dan ♪
(gun fires) (glass breaks)
It slipped.
We'll say it was an earthquake,
okay mess things up.
Yeah.
Okay, earthquake.
(grunting)
Earthquake.
What are you doing?
You're completely weird.
Blackie take over.
[Blackie] No way,
I ain't touching her.
What did I do?
Don't talk to me.
Well, it's like traditional,
when you take hostages,
you break down their defenses and all.
Oh yeah, well I noticed you never
tried to break down my defenses.
Well, I thought you said I was weird.
So what, that doesn't mean you
can't mess around with my defenses.
You want me to?
Why not?
♪ Things can change overnight I know ♪
♪ Things can change overnight ♪
♪ Things can change overnight ♪
Go to your room, Mouse.
[Gladys] I don't feel very well
at all, dear.
- Left, left, left, left.
- I should take two,
or maybe five vallum,
and I will go to sleep.
Right.
I doubt that
I will get up until tomorrow.
Carnation will make you
a nice breakfast dinner.
It's Carnation's day off.
So I'll pour my own dinner.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to disturb anybody.
I must be in the wrong.
Who in the shit are you?
Freeze.
Warren!
[Blackie] Piper!
[Joey] Piper, listen.
[Gladys] Warren, Warren, Warren!
Warren!
[Blackie] Back up, honkey.
Garth!
Hi mom.
Sarah!
(grunting)
Warren!
Okay burr head, hold it.
I have been in the Coast Guard,
and I am not afraid to use this.
[Blackie] You drop it,
or I trash the TV.
Oh, we haven't met,
I'm Warren Fitzpatrick.
This is my wife Gladys.
[Blackie] Come on move it.
Go on move your white ass.
Piper, Joey behind me.
Why don't we all sit down?
I said have a seat.
Now be cool.
You know, it never fails to amaze me
how your typical anal
retentive suburbanites,
such as these items of white bread,
become hysterically
alarmed when confronted
by a crazy nigga.
[Mouse] Hey guys.
[All] Mouse!
I mean, Mouse get your ass
out the door.
[Joey] You heard the man.
[Mouse] Yeah.
[Blackie] Now take all your clothes off.
(glass breaking)
[Piper] Whitey?
All you people out of my house!
That's my gun!
[Warren] Come on you little punk.
This happens to be a real gun.
Hey, run you guys!
And I happen to be real pissed.
(gun fires)
[Piper] Run for it.
Oh for Christ's sake.
Hey (gun fires) get back here
so I can kill you!
Now, come and help me
with these people.
(yelling)
Oh no, no one's going out
that door, no no, no no no.
(gun fires)
(glass breaking)
[Piper] Let's get out of here.
These people are wacko.
[Whitey] No shit.
[Mouse] Hey you guys, over here.
[Joey] Oh yeah, let's take the car.
(dramatic music)
[Whitey] Wow, what a cool Jaguar.
Get out of there, I'll drive.
Hey I got shotgun,
get your ass in the back.
Hey guys, wait a second,
do you know how to drive?
[Piper] Do I know how to drive?
[Blackie] Oh man,
you ran over the dog.
They're stealing the Triumph, Dad.
Let it go.
Dad.
Bullshit, that's my car.
[Whitey] Get it in gear.
[Joey] Don't rush him,
he's got problems with that part.
(glass breaking) (tires squealing)
[Blackie] The car's in reverse fool.
[Piper] Shit, I'm stuck in reverse.
That's my car,
you come back here with that!
Oh geez, your hair's getting
grease all over the floor.
(tires squealing)
Stop, stop, I'm not kidding.
I mean it, I will, I really mean it.
I'm not kidding.
This time I mean it.
(gun fires)
You shot your own car, asshole.
(screaming)
(gun fires)
(screaming)
(gun fires)
(loud exploding)
(80's rock music)
[Man] You blew up my car, man.
My car, what are you doing?
Now goddamn it.
[Blackie] Come on man, hurry up.
[Whitey] Goddamn Mouse,
your old lady's crazy.
[Mouse] She's not my old lady.
(80's rock music)
(all talking at once)
[Blackie] You just ran
a red light, man.
What's the matter with you dog?
It's like riding in a boat.
Who's driving,
Stevie Wonder or what?
[Joey] What do you guys want to do?
- Let's go rob a bank.
- Let's get french fries.
[Whitey] I'm getting new underwear.
This stuff's starting to fight back.
[Joey] Let's take in a porno.
[Blackie] I say we get fake ID's
and join the Marines.
[Mouse] Let's go to the beach
and pee in the ocean.
[Whitey] Let's get a job.
- Whitey.
- Whitey.
[Whitey] Piper.
[Blackie] Hey, let's go home.
That was a good idea,
I say let's go home.
[Whitey] Yeah, but where
do you want to call home?
Do you want to call this home?
Okay, welcome home.
(80's rock music)
♪ You're such a lucky boy ♪
♪ Soon you'll be entering
a world of joy ♪
♪ You'll love our friends in town ♪
♪ You'll have a million laughs
so blessed your face ♪
♪ Here comes the pearly gates ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ They're my pride and joy
and here they come again ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ And I'll do it
for you anytime I can ♪
♪ Inside our happy home ♪
♪ Fine things and music
and the pride of home ♪
♪ You'll make some lifelong friends ♪
♪ And they will stick
with you through thick and thin ♪
♪ Won't you please come on in ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ They're my pride and joy
and here they come again ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ And I'll do it
for you anytime I can ♪
(80's rock music)
♪ We'll never punish you ♪
♪ We'll merely guide you
and that's all we'll do ♪
♪ You're such a lucky boy ♪
♪ Soon you'll be entering
a world of joy ♪
♪ You're such a lucky boy ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
(siren blaring in the distance)
(80's rock music)
[Officer] This is unit 26 heading east
on Magnolia toward Bleeding Hearts.
Roger, I got you.
(80's rock music)
Cozy looking little dump isn't it?
(horn honking)
[Kurtz] Hello, yes who is it?
LAPD, Ma'am.
[Kurtz] Oh yes, you stay there,
and I'll open the gate.
(metal bangs) (tires squealing)
[Officer] You're gonna this place kid.
It's just like home, only you don't have
a home to compare it to do you?
(birds cawing)
Out you go, Princess.
Welcome to Bleeding Heart, Piper.
Let's get off on the right foot, shall we?
(dramatic music)
(all shouting at once)
[Whitey] I'm sorry if I hurt your foot.
[Mouse] Block shot.
Going, going. (glass breaking)
(all talking at once)
(giggling)
Up!
- And I thought I had zits.
- You are a zit.
Those are freckles fool.
Oh man here's wearing earrings.
One earring.
- In his left ear.
- So?
So, left ear Buccaneer,
right ear queer.
[Whitey] Right ear Buccaneer,
left ear queer.
Okay, okay, so he's queer.
- He looks like a mule.
- So what.
You think he's a junkie?
Yeah he looks like a junkie.
[Mouse] That's how come he killed her.
Killed who?
His mother, she was getting
his cocaine so he iced her.
[Whitey] Wow.
(all talking at once)
Hey wait a minute,
you're forgetting something
that I'm the leader of this gang.
What gang?
[Kurtz] You kids get away
from that fence.
(all shouting at once)
(cat meowing)
What the hell are you doing to that cat?
[Announcer] Tomorrow's breakfast will be
egg surprise.
Tomorrow's lunch will be
soybean surprise again.
[Professor] It's gross then,
quit playing them.
[Kurtz] We thought we'd let you
stay next to me and my bunk.
This is the Robert Louis Stevenson wing.
This is your bunk.
[Piper] Great.
Cut that out.
Here's your uniform, now unpack.
[Mouse] He looks like a monkey.
How come you got bars on your windows?
That's to keep you from slipping
on the highly polished
floor, falling out the window,
and contracting an abrasion,
contusion, laceration,
or puncture.
If you ask me,
I think he looks like a jerk.
Girl I swear you are all mouth.
So what do you bet
he makes a run for it?
[Mouse] He gave him Sherman's old bunk.
What ever happened to old Sherman?
They sold him off a year
and a half ago, remember?
Oh yeah.
They did?
Hey Whitey, before you was born
did your mama do a lot of acid?
Give me that.
Hey you touch that, I kill you.
That's my mother.
Oh.
Oh, Kurtz!
[Kurtz] Get back here.
[Joey] Wait up you guys,
I gotta tie my shoe.
Morning, Sister.
(woman screaming)
Good morning.
You wanted me?
I'm Dr. Bender.
I'm going to be your psychiatrist,
Piper.
Sit down, take your shoes off.
Let's be pals.
You like to play gin?
What's wrong Piper?
Something's bugging you,
something way down deep.
You can tell me,
I'm Dr. Bender.
I'm going to be your psychiatrist,
Piper.
You got not bars on your windows.
Tell Dr. Bender what's wrong.
Is it sex?
I'll tell you what, now Piper,
you tell me everything you know
and I'll fill in the gaps.
Whoo Piper.
Protein see?
Oh you kids are so wild.
[Woman On TV] Oh, the high seas.
Okay stand up, we gotta
get all the energy we got.
I'm Sister Serena,
Executive Administrator of the home.
♪ Jesus loves the little children ♪
Whey don't we get some light in here.
Do you have a marriage license?
Now, why don't you tell me
your reason for wanting to adopt.
Well we tried it with a dog.
♪ Black and white they are precious ♪
[Kurtz] Mouse, Mouse, come here Mouse.
♪ Jesus loves the little children ♪
♪ All the children of the world ♪
Mouse?
Mouse?
Hello Mouse.
Okay, let's go.
Here we are.
Where'd you get them, a swap meet?
Well, Bartholomew I would
like you to meet...
My name is Mouse.
Oh, isn't that cute?
Why don't I let the three
of you get acquainted?
(motor revving)
Why Mother?
[Marvin] The hat, the hat, watch the hat.
I'll leave you three alone.
And remember Bartholomew, no biting.
Come on.
[Marvin] There that's better.
Oh, Mouse loosen up, relax.
Oh Marvin isn't it divine?
I feel like a mother already.
I have my instincts you know.
My dreams, my hopes, and my. (gasping)
Oh my God.
He isn't even house broken.
Take him to the meditation chamber.
Ice him.
I'll get you tomorrow, you're dead.
Shit.
(bell ringing)
Mother Celestina,
would you care to say grace?
Say what?
Nurse Bates, please.
You're supposed to say grace.
Oh, drink your milk kiddies,
it's good for you.
Dearest God, bless this food.
May it strengthen our little bodies
and help us to grow.
And God bless Mother Celestina
for founding the home, dear mother.
(calm music)
(flatulating)
(people gagging)
That's about it Lord.
Amen.
(all shouting at once)
Mouse pissed on some broad, pass it on.
Mouse pissed on some broad.
Mouse pissed on some bread.
Mouse pissed on that bread.
Bread?
Announcement.
Children quiet.
(glass breaking)
What a dork.
A few announcements.
As we all know, Susie Trotter will be
leaving us tomorrow for a new life.
[Joey] Good riddens.
Susie (clapping)
All right.
[Susie] Sister.
Who did that?
Tasty spuds.
You're seven minutes late.
Sit down Piper, and don't start.
(upbeat jazz music)
Boo.
That's Mouse's seat.
Oh yeah, who's Mouse?
Hey, what are you looking at pervert?
We've already said grace, Piper.
You may say one of your own.
One of your own.
(upbeat jazz music)
[Chubby] What a schmuck.
I hope you realize you're going to
eat that young man.
All of it.
I'm not hungry.
Looks good to me.
Can it, Chubby.
Piper, eat.
(plate bangs)
(children moaning) (dramatic music)
Kurtz, escort Piper
to the meditation chamber please.
With pleasure.
(dramatic music)
Come on baby, come on.
I'll crush your skull like a pie crust.
Son of a bitch electrocuted me.
We now have two in the meditation chamber.
Anyone care to be the third?
(plates banging)
(whistle blowing)
(all shouting at once)
(somber music)
What'd you do that for?
This ain't no fish fry.
Hey man, you're a racist just like me.
Put it there, man.
You know I can't stand white people.
You really kill your mother?
I what?
We hear you orphaned yourself.
And here did you hear that?
From him.
And where'd you hear that?
Have you been lying to me again?
Would I lie to you?
[Blackie] You'd lie
to your own mother if had one.
All right kid.
Man I ain't no goddamn orphan,
I'm an undesirable.
Then why they ship you here?
Got an unfit parent,
what you call ward of the state.
But not for long.
You mean you're gonna break?
We're gonna break too, right guys?
Yeah right.
You kidding me?
You guys could never hack it
on the outside.
You got no street smarts.
Hey, them fighting words white boy.
Hey, who said that?
Me.
Oh sorry, couldn't see you
in the dark.
Look you're cruising white boy.
Oh no, scare me to death,
scare me to death.
Hey, pick on somebody your own size.
You a boy or a girl?
What difference does that make?
Yeah, obviously a girl.
Typical homo,
can't even tell the difference.
You guys are so lame.
You got a lot to learn.
Yeah, too bad I won't be
around to learn it.
(all shouting at once)
[Robot] Good night Kurtz,
sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.
[Kurtz] Silence.
(harmonica playing)
[Larry] Kurtz, Frank said the F word.
[Frank] Did not.
[Larry] Did too.
[Frank] Did not.
[Larry] Did too.
[Frank] Oh fuck you Larry.
I'm not the one that wipe smeared.
[Larry] I know, you used
all the toilet paper.
Oh shit.
[Frank] The odor's coming out
of your sleeping bag.
[Larry] It's not,
it's coming out of yours.
That's why it's all brown.
How many men have you killed?
Don't you ever give up?
Just tell me how many.
Seven.
How many with your bare hands?
11.
Silence.
Pretty good.
(calm music)
♪ Jesus loves me this I know ♪
♪ For the bible tells me so ♪
You're gonna break huh?
Take me with you.
You're nuts.
I got a plan.
You got a plan?
You don't even got hair on your cock.
Gonna need money.
Look, my mom's got tons of money.
Okay.
Good luck.
[Professor] Could you
please send me some water?
Now Piper.
Apparently the judge thinks
you're a pretty rotten kid.
It says here that when you were six
you were sticking up
lemonade stands with a gun.
It was a staple gun,
Oh really, have you ever had
somebody put a staple
in your eye, have you ever felt
what that was like?
Have you ever sat
on a jackhammer?
Did you, did you enjoy it?
Excuse me.
Now Piper.
(whoopie cushion expels air)
I noticed you list your mother's
occupation as entertainer.
What kind of entertaining did she do?
Don't talk about my mother.
I want you to talk about her.
I love my mother.
You and the Dodgers.
(punch lands) Whoo, Piper.
You little rascal,
you messed up my makeup.
(air horn blows)
Oh shit.
(horns blaring) (dogs barking)
(all shouting at once)
(80's rock music)
Guys the fence,
warn him about the fence.
Man he's gonna fry for sure.
(electricity crackles)
Oh man.
[Joey] Is he dead?
Bates, pick him up, dust him off,
and throw him
in the meditation chamber.
Yes Sister.
Why don't she come out here
walking through this field?
Shit my feet hurt, these damn weeds.
Piper, let me find that
little motherfucker, I'll kill him.
Did I hear cheering?
I thought I heard cheering.
So what if you did?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks for telling me
about the fence you guys.
[All] You didn't ask.
This is the the last time
I ever stick up for that ingrate.
Yeah.
Shut your face.
Hey bite my hiney.
[Joey] Your mama.
(punches landing)
Get of me.
You guys don't fight fair.
I like that.
Blood brothers.
Too corny.
Listen asshole,
real blood is never corny.
(calm music)
What did you cut that one for?
My favorite.
(groaning in pain)
Let's see if the man's afraid
of a little of my blood.
(80's rock music)
You guys mind if I fake it?
Yes.
I can get a bloody nose just like that.
(80's rock music)
Hey, it's pretty good, all right.
Aren't we supposed to say something?
Family.
[All] Family.
From now on, it's us against them.
Who's them?
Okay, everybody out.
I said everybody on the floor!
(pots banging)
Have one.
I've had enough of that stuff.
[Chubby] Who sat on my food?
[Kurtz] Now remember children,
today is visiting day.
That means we should all be in
a clean uniform,
on our best behavior.
We should all stay close
to our bunks.
We'll be meeting some lovely
prospective parents.
Here want to look?
[Joey] Where's Sister Serena
this morning?
She went outside
about 10 minutes ago.
Hey something's fishy.
Yeah, the egg.
[Mouse] Gross it's an egg paddle.
This is the cafeteria.
Don't get up.
Our children are raised
on a high protein, low fat diet.
(fly buzzing) And they love it.
Of course the Bleeding Heart
child represents
a very special challenge
to today's modern parents.
Some of them are extraordinarily
bright, and terribly damaged.
Nice red head.
[Whitey] If she likes red heads.
Well, let's see
I'm sure we'll find something.
[Piper] Yeah like lice.
How about something
a little south-of-the-border?
No, we already have a gardener.
Oh, well,
let's see,
how about a blonde?
[Piper] How about
a kick in the teeth?
(fly buzzing)
Fingers are hurt, gnarled.
And we have blonde.
(laughing)
Of course, silly.
Already, yeah.
Oh hi, cute.
[Warren] Oh my God.
They're a matching set.
We can't have half of the set?
No.
No they cannot be separated, take two.
I love the clean one.
Well,
how about this, nice conversation piece?
Oh little munchkin, sweetie.
Darling, he's adorable.
Yeah?
(flatulating)
Is that a major gastric problem
he's got there?
Oh no no, no it's cafeteria food.
It's nothing disgusting?
Oh no no, you take him out,
start him on ice cream,
it'll smooth right out.
Great news.
(burbs)
He is, he is adorable.
But, you think he will match
the other two?
I don't think he should.
I think it's better
if he stands out like a sore thumb.
Don't you?
I mean.
I think it's got much more impact
if we make it
painfully obvious that he's adopted.
Well, we've already had
a bid on this one.
Oh, well we can top it.
Really?
Say cheese.
(camera clicks)
[Mother Celestina]
Say what?
Here son, let me put your things
in the trunk.
All right you hang on to that.
[Professor]
Eat your heart out justice.
I can't believe it.
It's because you're so damn cute.
I am not.
You are too.
Well anyway, I already got
a family, right guys, guys?
Garth has been having some problems.
But we just thought it was time
to get some new blood in the family.
Now Sarah's perfectly normal mind you,
perfectly normal, my Sarah.
Oh look, he's got
a little football helmet.
A macho little thing isn't he?
Beautiful car.
It's yellow, yes.
Beautiful color.
You like it?
It's mine.
[Warren] German made.
Incredible resale value
with these things.
But as you say, who's selling?
God is your mother a dog.
Boy you'd think with the price
of gasoline today
that little beaner could
at least catch the headlights
as well as the windshield,
wouldn't you dear?
[Gladys] Lovely dear.
Thank you, thank you.
You didn't have a chance man.
The way sardine face was pushing you.
She was desperate man,
she hasn't moved a kid
off this lot since the Christmas rush.
The inventory's been stacking up.
Here, you're gonna need these.
Wear them in good health.
Here's my address,
in case you're ever in the neighborhood.
Santa Barbara, pretty ritzy.
Great, you go.
Oh man this is getting morbid.
I tell you Mouse,
just give them the old treatment.
You'll be back here inside of a week.
The treatment?
Use your imagination
[Mouse] Yeah right.
[Sister Serena] Well Bartholomew,
away we go.
Buckle up Bartholomew,
and I'll give you a nice Dramamine.
One last thing.
Why don't we get
a signature on this check?
(laughing)
All set?
We got one.
[Sister Serena] Bye bye, bye bye.
♪ And he's gone away
and he's gonna look back ♪
♪ And he's looking real sad
and he's feeling real bad ♪
♪ It's a Mercedes Benz
and the sky is so clear ♪
[Gladys] That seatbelt looks
a little loose dear.
[Mouse] So does your face.
[Joey] See you Mouse.
[Whitey] See you.
[Piper] Shit.
♪ It's kind of like the movies
I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Where all the music starts ♪
♪ And people near you say quietly ♪
♪ It's kind of like the movies
I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Where all the music starts ♪
♪ And people near you say quietly ♪
♪ It's kind of like the movies
I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Where all the music starts ♪
♪ And people near you say quietly ♪
This is your house?
That's right son.
Free and clear?
That's right.
Now Bartholomew, before we go in
I think we should have a little talk.
Well Gladys I wanted to...
Warren, please let me
handle this myself.
Now Bartholomew, as you know,
life is a series of
back and forth exchange...
Well it's more than back and forth...
Warren, Warren, please let me handle this.
Handle what?
Now, our son.
Garth.
Garth has been having some diff...
Problems.
Problems.
All that we ask is that you
just behave as though...
Just be yourself.
Be yourself, and try not to stare.
Just behave.
- Just act normal.
- Act normal.
And try to draw him out
a little bit if you...
Warren, if you interrupt me
one more time,
I'm going to, I don't know what...
Oh or Christ's sake,
Gladys what are you trying to do,
monopolize all the airwaves
in this car?
Now don't you gotta snarky
with me Warren Fitzpatrick.
Back off Gladys, and I mean it.
Why you arrogant,
air headed son of a bitch.
I am not arrogant.
How much are you people worth?
Let's go in the house.
Sarah?
[Sarah] You are so clueless,
I can't believe you did that.
Carnation, Carnation?
(speaking in foreign language)
Okie dokie.
Grande scotch.
Sarah, Sarah?
Brad I'll call you back, okay.
Judy, oh sorry BJ,
let me talk to you later.
[Gladys] Sarah?
Lita, hold on.
Sarah get off the phone.
Look who's here.
This is your new little brother.
No no no, no no, no.
Who cuts his hair?
What's wrong with his hair?
It's so '70's.
[Warren] No no no, those are rented.
Oh you'll see, we're going
to have lots of fun around here
when there's somebody
in the house who isn't
Spoiled rotten?
Spoiled rotten!
Isn't that right?
Right away honey.
I've heard of impulse buying,
but this is obscene.
(keys clacking)
Hey, what are you doing now?
That's not some game
where little red dots
eat little blue dots,
it's an adult's computer.
What do I look like an idiot?
[Warren] Well you're, no you don't.
You do all your banking
from here, don't you?
All the domestic banking, yeah.
Rolodex, speed dialing,
very impressive.
Honey.
Honey, come in here
and take a look at this.
Looks like things are
getting better already.
Don't, don't, aren't they dear?
And here is your room,
Bartholomew.
Isn't it beautiful?
God I love being rich.
Just think, Bartholomew.
You're going to spend
the rest of your childhood here,
what's left of it.
Now you know we just want you
to be normal, that's all.
We want you to
just be yourself, okay?
(knocking on door)
Bartholomew, while I'm here
is there anything
you'd like to have sent to
the dry cleaners?
(door locking)
(gagging)
(contemplative music)
♪ It's kind of like the movies
I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Where all the music starts ♪
♪ And people near you say ♪
(wall crushing)
Who are you?
Nobody.
[Gladys] Garth,
what have you done now?
Open this door this minute.
It wasn't him Miss Lady.
It was me, the new kid, remember?
Dad, dad get up here right away.
Leave your father out
of this now, dear.
(dramatic music)
Dad!
I'll just leave you alone
by yourself, okay.
Oh my God, oh no.
Oh my God!
Oh my God, no!
He voided our checking account.
What is it?
He gave away all our money.
Warren, please don't do anything.
Don't do anything please.
Yeah, can I have the number please
for the Sister Serena School
for Misfits?
No you spell Serena,
that's your job.
Look it up.
Darling, darling,
it's just a testing period.
It's perfectly normal, I mean
all little children do that.
We have to give him time,
we have to give him love.
We have to give him lots
and lots of love.
We have to give him a hammer
and some nails,
and let him fix this house.
Give him back.
Oh shut up!
(ominous music)
(girl screaming)
(somber music)
Dearest God, bless us.
And bless those who are
no longer with us.
How much did you get for him?
May it strength...
[Blackie]
Never should have let him go.
Maybe he wanted to go.
[Sister Serena] May it strengthen out
little bodies.
Would you want to go
with those people?
He was crying.
Piper, did you say something?
Yeah, eat me.
Amen.
(all shouting at once)
Well isn't this nice?
All of us together, calm,
civilized, sharing.
Darling, since when does Carnation
have to cook him a special meal?
Oh, there's no cooking involved dear.
After all, he eats it raw.
This fish was frozen.
[Sarah] Nice diapers, Garth.
(record scratches)
Are those prescription sunglasses, son?
No.
Would you mind taking them off?
Yes.
Bartholomew, are you done
with your artichoke?
[Mouse] Yeah.
Then would you ring for the soup?
What?
I said why don't you ring for the soup?
I don't get it.
You pick up that little bell
right next to your plate,
and you ring it,
and Carnation brings us the soup.
Why don't we get our own soup?
Well we could of course.
But it's nicer this way,
don't you think?
Nicer for who?
Oh just ring the damn bell.
Oh. (screaming)
Oh Jesus, that's a Tiffany bell.
(all shouting at once)
Come on, spit it out, out.
(all shouting at once)
It's coming out young man.
Doctor he's choking.
Well, for God's sake call an ambulance.
[Mouse] Let me go.
Cough if up, you little fart.
(speaking in foreign language)
(silver clattering)
They were stealing our silverware,
oh my God.
If I find the key to the rolls
in there, you are history.
[Gladys] You wouldn't believe
what happened.
Bartholomew swallowed the bell,
the dinner bell.
Did seem at all depressed?
[Gladys] I don't know, why would
he do something dumb like that?
[Sister Serena] Has he at any time
expressed a desire to kill himself?
Well, I suggest you make arrangements
to have his stomach pumped, immediately.
He's taken the old dive
for the medicine chest.
Swallowed every pill in sight.
Oh no, I'm afraid he's yours.
[Gladys] No.
[Sister Serena] Check your contract.
You have him a minimum of a year,
and don't you dare give him back
to me dead.
Gees, he's just a little kid.
We've got to rescue him.
How?
We've gotta escape first, come on.
How many did you give him?
10 milligrams, he's out like
a light.
Well, give him 10 more.
What do you want to do dear,
put him in a coma?
Just for a year.
Warren.
Gladys.
[Blackie] Are you sure he tried
to kill himself?
[Joey] They're pumping
his stomach right now.
(dramatic music)
[Whitey] Well, maybe she's just
a really rotten cook.
[Blackie] Shut up, Whitey.
We never should've let him go.
(dramatic music)
Yeah, but we're gonna get him back
you guys okay, tonight.
We have to figure out
a way to get over that fence.
What if we drugged sardine face?
And Kurtz.
And bag Bates?
What if we just kill them?
Stay out of this.
Hey, wait a second you guys.
What if we kill the fence?
Don't be stupid, you can't kill a fence.
I mean we can go down to the basement,
we can kill the juice.
(dramatic music)
(liquid flowing)
[Joey] Don't forget to put
the seat down when you're done.
(keys clacking)
You asked to see me, Sister?
Yes Kurtz, come in.
You look tired.
Drink?
You know I can't drink.
Well,
I think things have been
going very well lately.
Don't you Kurtz?
What do you think?
I love you.
Don't be silly.
I'm a nun.
You're a woman too.
(groaning in pain)
Come on you guys, let's go.
(80's rock music)
(grunts)
Oh shit, the janitor's right by the door.
Come on, I gotta an idea.
Wait, I gotta get my hat.
(80's rock music)
Oh man, screw this.
Oh.
You may go Kurtz, thank you.
You're welcome.
(80's rock music)
Hey.
I'm gonna give it right back.
[Whitey] Hey Chubby,
lend me your assistance.
I want a sworn affidavit
you're gonna give it back.
Not too fast.
I can't help it.
Piper, pinch my nose.
Pinch my nose.
Oh Pepe, come in Pepe.
You heard me.
Hold on a second baby,
just one second.
Yes Sister, what you want?
I thought I told you
to clean up that kitchen.
I just clean up the goddamn kitchen.
[Joey] It looks filthy.
Hey listen baby.
I gotta go mutilate
some little kids.
Hey, I see you
in the sack tonight all right?
(mimics sucking)
I love you.
- Ta da.
- Perfect.
No way, you guys got a mess up the kitchen.
Blackie, come on.
You're going the wrong way.
[Joey] Yeah, but Pepe went the right way.
[Piper] Come on Whitey, we'll get the fence.
(80's rock music)
Pepe, is that you?
Listen you ugly bitch.
You get the hell out of my life
or I'll punch your freaking face in.
How dare you.
(80's rock music)
(speaking in foreign language)
(80's rock music)
What the hell are you doing?
I'm trying to pick the goddamn lock.
Man, get out of the way.
Just call me Bruce.
(80's rock music)
Okay fence, stand back.
Now, somebody turned it on.
Yeah, Serena who else?
I'm gonna go for it.
(electricity crackles) (groaning in pain)
Man Serena's on to us, come on.
Joey, Blackie!
(80's rock music)
- Freeze.
- Your Mama.
[Kurtz] Get back here you.
(girls screaming)
[Piper] Hey come on everybody,
everybody get up.
[Kurtz] I got it turned up
to the maximum.
(girls screaming)
Get away from me, get away, stay back.
I'll turn on the juice.
(dramatic music)
Going someplace?
Watch it Sister, I got you covered.
My mace from my rape prevention class.
You wish.
You ain't bad.
Blackie.
Rape.
[Blackie] You loving it bitch,
you loving it.
Ooh rape, oh Blackie rape Blackie.
Bates.
[Piper] Look out Whitey, I'm coming through.
[Bates] Oh Pepe, I'm so glad you here.
[Pepe] It looks like it's going down.
Mr. Kurtz.
How fresh are those batteries
in your cattle prod?
I put new ones
in this morning Sister, Duracell.
Me too.
(dramatic music)
(electricity crackling)
♪ We are the wild ones ♪
♪ In trouble again ♪
♪ We've got to blow this place
and stay away ♪
♪ Never looking back ♪
(all shouting at once)
♪ We got a long long history ♪
♪ Of living it on the edge ♪
(Mother Celestina yelling)
(metal crunching)
♪ All we want to do is shake ♪
[Piper]
I hope Mouse appreciates this.
♪ And we start grooving ♪
(dogs barking)
[Joey] They sent us dogs.
[Blackie] Dogs, that's a werewolf.
♪ And we living from the edge ♪
♪ And all we want to do
is just shake it from the edge ♪
♪ And all we want to do
is just shake it from the edge ♪
♪ And all we want to do
is just shake it from the edge ♪
♪ And all we want to do
is just shake ♪
(coughing)
[Piper] Oh man, I gotta quit smoking.
They've been very, very,
very, very, very, very bad.
I can't understand why anybody'd want
to leave this place.
Wait a minute, hold it just a second.
I know exactly
where those little rug rats went.
to Santa Barbara to hook up with
the brain damaged kid
we unloaded this morning.
Don't worry sister,
I'll stop those little dick heads.
(dramatic music)
[Blackie] Don't make it too big,
or somebody will see it.
[Whitey] Don't worry man,
I got a fire hose right in my pants.
Squirt gun, you mean.
Man it's colder out here
than Serena's tits.
So, what about your old man,
Piper?
I never met the man.
My mom locked me
in a closet you know.
Then she moved to New York.
My mom's doing time.
What about your dad?
Mom shot him.
What about you Blackie?
He won't talk about it.
He was there when it happened.
[Piper] What about Mouse's folks?
They died.
Right.
(somber music)
Listen, if you guys want to circle jerk,
I can go in the tent.
We don't have a tent.
[All] Whitey.
(thunder rolling)
Bartholomew?
[Mouse] Yeah?
You're trying to get out of here aren't you?
[Mouse] Yeah.
They'll never let you go.
They accumulate.
They never let go.
[Mouse] Oh.
They're Americans.
[Mouse] Oh, right.
They never let go.
[Mouse] God, what a geek.
(birds singing)
(glass breaking)
(metal crunching)
(calm music)
[Joey] Oh my God.
What?
Oh my God.
- What?
- Oh my God.
A rat, a rat, get it off.
I think it Frenched me.
[Piper] Ah shit.
Would you put that thing away?
[Blackie] Hey, where are we?
Oh shit, this is the dump.
[Blackie] What's it look like,
Cape Cod?
A real float.
[Piper] Dude, let's take
the motorcycle.
[Joey] If we get disguises,
they're never gonna find us.
(calm music)
Now what?
We gotta go north.
[Piper] Oh great, which way?
This way.
Some method.
Actually it's flawless.
You see, the ocean is
near here somewhere
running on a north and south axis.
The prevailing daytime
convection current
is an offshore wind going
perpendicular to the coast,
making the ocean there,
and north this way.
Perpendicular to the axis?
That's right.
[Whitey] Well in that case you guys,
let's hit it.
[Joey] Hold on you guys,
I'm gonna wet my pants.
[Piper] Perpendicular to the ocean, huh?
Yeah, an ocean of weeds.
[Joey] I can't believe
we swallowed that line.
[Blackie] Yeah, well I can't believe
you swapped spit with a rat.
[Whitey] I can't believe that...
[Piper] Whitey, don't try to talk and walk
at the same time, you can't handle it.
[Joey] I wonder how Mouse is doing.
[Whitey] What if he's dead?
Get on.
Wait a second.
Smart.
Wouldn't want to see that little brain
spattered all over the highway now would we?
(80's rock music)
[Joey] I'm thirsty.
[Blackie] Ah man.
[Piper] I thought you had to pee.
[Joey] What can I say, it's a vicious cycle.
If I'd have known this was such
a schlep I'd have packed a bag.
[Blackie] Shut up.
[Joey] Your mama.
[Piper] Oh God, what is your problem?
♪ Tallyho tallyho motorcycle midget
hit the road ♪
♪ From the sea to the snow
California highway is his home ♪
♪ This tiny buddy is
a friend of them ♪
♪ No I wouldn't laugh at him ♪
♪ You better roll with them ♪
[Caller] Two drink minimum,
we got nine on tap.
Live love acts.
It's disgusting, you'll love it.
And I mean love acts,
it's disgusting.
Hey Piper, why don't we go
see your mother.
Hey, shut up man.
[Joey] I just have to go
to the bathroom.
[Blackie] Hey come on,
get your ass out of there, come on.
Step right up to the Adam
and Eve love act here.
[Blackie] Girl I swear,
your mouth is like
a trash compactor.
Girl you nasty, come on.
Okay you guys,
I figure we need 10 bucks each.
Hey Joey, where you going?
To the bathroom.
But you don't know what to do.
Oh yes I do.
Hey lady, where's the bathroom.
Coming through, hot stuff.
Hey lady, lend me 10 bucks
for a pay toilet.
[Woman] Hey hey, what are you doing?
Let go of that you little shit.
Kiss you for a dollar.
I heard you were giving it away.
[Piper] Extra extra,
alien speaks through Pia Zadora.
Come on let's go, let's go, let's go.
Come on I ain't got time,
let's go.
You say it's this one,
nope you wrong again.
Hey nigger don't touch my cards.
Hey nigger, what'd I tell
about your hands?
Put that money back down.
(all talking at once)
Nope, all you niggers are sorry.
Come on let's go, let's go brother.
You don't know how to play games.
Let's go, let's go, come on,
come on, come on.
You say it's this one,
nope it's wrong.
You ain't got no sense,
come on.
Man you been staring
at the cards, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, which one,
which one.
This the card, this the card,
you say it's the card?
That man been wrong all day,
let's go.
Sir, the big mean guy over there
stole your wallet.
Well thank you son.
Don't you want to give me
a reward?
Nope.
Hey, what about my reward?
[Man] Hey boy.
(punch lands)
Oh shit.
(punches landing)
[Blackie] Ha ha, dumb niggers.
[Whitey] Head to the bus, dude.
We want four tickets to Santa Barbara.
[Whitey] One way.
[Blackie] Kiddie fare, man.
What you got here, you go half way.
[Piper] Hey are you sure
that's kiddie fair?
Are you sure you're kids?
What do we look like?
Bette Midler and the Harlets.
[Blackie] Hey man, didn't you
used to be somebody?
I'm gonna have to
see your birth certificates.
[Joey] Whatever happened
to have a nice day?
Oh man, this sucks.
It sure does.
[Man] Little zit mongers.
Hey can you guys run?
[Joey] Yes.
Okay then, run.
- (dramatic music)
- (whistle blowing)
[Victim] Get those kids!
♪ We are the wild ones ♪
♪ In trouble again ♪
♪ We've got to blow this place
and stay away ♪
♪ Never looking back ♪
(all shouting at once)
(screaming)
♪ All we want to do
is shake living on the edge ♪
♪ All we want to do is shake ♪
♪ Oh yeah oh yeah ♪
[Piper] Taxi.
(brakes squealing)
[Blackie] Oh, that bitch was rich.
Man, check this shit out.
Now this here is class.
If this is class,
then what the hell is that?
A pimp.
My mom goes everywhere in a limo,
even the super market.
Oh really?
With her pimp?
[Joey] Hey, give me a chocolate donut.
Hey, how much you got?
55 big ones.
53 big ones, 51 big ones,
come on man you got the money.
Come on somebody's got the money,
come on Piper.
We got a coffee.
Remember, we bought the donuts.
Hey maybe you guys want to
go to New York.
I'm from New York.
We want to go to Santa Barbara.
Two years ago this guy hails me
at the corner of
sixth avenue and 11th,
he says take me to LA.
I say sure, I got out of
town prices, you got it.
Here I am, it's two years later.
And I'm looking for someone
to take to New York.
Come on dummy.
Hey can you keep your eyes
on the goddamn road.
Hey, there's a white line man.
Just keep your eye
on that meter fella.
Because that baby builds up like
the head of this beer.
[All] Beer?
(80's rock music)
[Radio] You've been listening
to the American Nazi Hour.
Oh man, so far we're golden.
We're not there yet.
Get it on your shirt, boop.
(laughing)
Awe man, I don't know
what it is about
sitting in the back seat,
it always gives me a boner.
Yeah me too.
Forget you guys,
I'm not gonna sit here
and listen to you guys talk
about your weenies,
your units, or schlongs,
or whatever you call them.
Well we could talk
about your itty-bitty titties.
You know how much I hate small talk.
(laughing)
Stop, stop!
Goddamn it, stop!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh shit!
(tires squealing)
(screaming)
You guys, we're not gonna make it.
You worry too much, have another beer.
I don't feel a thing.
Neither do I.
(vomits)
Goddamn, that's disgusting.
Oh snap.
Whitey.
♪ I don't know I don't know ♪
♪ I don't know I don't know ♪
♪ I don't know I don't know ♪
♪ I don't know I don't know ♪
Murray, have you seen Bartholomew?
I can't find him any place.
Oh for Christ's sakes Gladys,
just forget him, we're better off.
Hi Mr. Fitzpatrick,
hi Mrs. Fitzpatrick, is Garth home?
No.
Now go away.
Get yeah, shoo.
Go back to your own planet.
Yes, and put some pants on.
[Woman] Americans.
That's it, last stop, everybody exit.
That's 55 dollars, not including the tip.
Just keep driving, Chubby.
I'm from New York City, stupid, understand?
[Piper] We could have taken him.
Yeah, and we could die alone suckers.
We going in a taxi, huh?
Class all the way right, Piper?
Hey at least we got a buzz off of it, man.
[Whitey] But what about Mouse?
Jesus Christ, Joey.
(tires squealing)
Shit head!
[Dr. Snow] Hi this is Dr. Snow,
and you're on the air.
[Shirley] Hello Dr. Snow, hello.
[Dr. Snow] Turn your radio down,
turn your radio down.
[Shirley] Hello Dr. Snow?
Hi, my name is Shirley and I'm embarrassed.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Why yes.
Why, no. (laughing)
Darling, they found Bartholomew.
[Warren] Great news.
The police are holding him for,
what was it dear, officer?
Disturbing the peace, resisting arrest.
[Warren] He sure will.
And biting an officer.
[Warren] Well, I'll try darling.
And they want us to go and get him.
Right darling, yes.
Because we have to bring some money
to post bail.
Money, what money?
Pancakes, yummy.
Now darling don't you worry.
Because your daddy and me are
gonna be right back.
We just have to go down for one
little minute to the little, the little.
Hall of Justice.
That's right. (crying)
A delinquent, Mom.
I can't believe you adopted
a delinquent.
Tell your father I'm gonna go
warm up the, try (babbling)
- Benz.
- Benz.
What if he breaks out,
and decides to hole up here?
What if there's a shoot out?
Your brother will protect you.
Right, that fag?
Morning Garth, sleep okay?
[Joey] Don't worry about it,
friends of the family.
Looks rich.
Figures, they're rich.
[Piper] So what, they're still geeks.
[Whitey] Well what are we waiting for?
[Joey] Now remember, Mouse is in there.
[Whitey] Right.
[Joey] Act tough.
[Whitey] Right.
[Joey] Don't take no for
an answer.
(knocking on door)
Yes?
What's your problem?
Nice dress.
Here.
[Joey] We're looking for Mouse?
Who?
Who is it Garth?
Some Americans.
(whistling)
So what's his problem?
He's an exchange student,
now what do you want?
We're looking for Mouse.
Hey lady, can I use your bathroom?
How about something to eat?
Good idea, let me fix you something.
Hey guys, go get her.
Now stick to business.
Hey what is this?
This is a kidnapping, girly.
Kids can't do kidnapping,
it's a contradiction in terms.
(dramatic music)
[Whitey] God, am I hungry.
Look lady, I don't want to have
to piss in your sink.
Upstairs and to the left.
[Sarah] How do you know?
These houses are all alike.
(dramatic music)
Oh, coffee.
Hey, what did you think
you were gonna do?
Just walk in here and ask
for him back.
You don't just walk in.
I bet you didn't even make a plan.
Hey, so what?
Do you believe these idiots?
They wanted to kidnap a kid and they
didn't even make a plan, incredible.
Bet that jackknife's your only weapon.
It happens to be a switch blade.
Switch blade.
Hey, quit picking on him.
All I'm saying is
you should have had a plan.
Anyway, it's not too late.
Go in the garage and get some rope.
Hey wait a second, Whitey.
What for?
To tie us up,
you're gonna need hostages.
Well what about Charlie Chan there?
He'll let you do whatever you want,
right Garth?
They're gonna do whatever
they want anyway.
They're Americans.
He's a Buddhist.
Oh, well in that case,
hey Whitey get some gasoline
and a match.
Hey, go back up to mom
and dad's bedroom and get the gun.
Gun?
Just do it.
Well don't just stand there,
find some silk scarves
to gag us with.
Hey, how do you feel
about whips and chains?
Hey black one,
while you're up there
go in mom's closet
and get the whips and chains.
Do you believe these guys?
Total amateurs.
[Warren] Thank you,
thank you very much.
[Gladys] That's horrible,
stop that terrible habit, stop.
120 bucks for what?
I needed to get out of
the house okay.
Is that such a crime?
[Gladys] Officer,
we've only been here...
Just wait till we get home
smart ass, now get in.
Warren, that's illegal.
Put a cork in it Gladys.
Too tight.
They should be home any minute.
Remember you're in control,
you hold all the aces.
(engine revving)
Hey guys look, they even got
a swimming pool.
[Joey] Oh wow I'm going...
Hey come on, I'll take you.
[Sarah] You stay away from that pool!
At least take a shower first!
Listen, you low life piece of shit.
You know for girl who thinks
she's so smart, you sure are stupid.
Now, where's the booze in this dump?
(water splashing)
You dumb shit.
Hello?
Hello?
You ordered a pizza?
Shit.
(flames crackling)
♪ Tallyho tallyho motorcycle midget
hit the road ♪
♪ Tallyho tallyho ♪
(metal banging)
♪ Motorcycle midget ♪
♪ Hit the road ♪
(metal banging)
♪ Motorcycle midget hit the ♪
(tires squealing)
♪ Dancing's leaving me cold ♪
Okay, who wants more martini?
It's never gonna work.
Oh yeah?
(engine cranks and revs)
I told you it was never gonna work.
You sure are thirsty.
Okay Mount Baldy, open up.
♪ So hey there Fancy Dan ♪
(gun fires) (glass breaks)
It slipped.
We'll say it was an earthquake,
okay mess things up.
Yeah.
Okay, earthquake.
(grunting)
Earthquake.
What are you doing?
You're completely weird.
Blackie take over.
[Blackie] No way,
I ain't touching her.
What did I do?
Don't talk to me.
Well, it's like traditional,
when you take hostages,
you break down their defenses and all.
Oh yeah, well I noticed you never
tried to break down my defenses.
Well, I thought you said I was weird.
So what, that doesn't mean you
can't mess around with my defenses.
You want me to?
Why not?
♪ Things can change overnight I know ♪
♪ Things can change overnight ♪
♪ Things can change overnight ♪
Go to your room, Mouse.
[Gladys] I don't feel very well
at all, dear.
- Left, left, left, left.
- I should take two,
or maybe five vallum,
and I will go to sleep.
Right.
I doubt that
I will get up until tomorrow.
Carnation will make you
a nice breakfast dinner.
It's Carnation's day off.
So I'll pour my own dinner.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to disturb anybody.
I must be in the wrong.
Who in the shit are you?
Freeze.
Warren!
[Blackie] Piper!
[Joey] Piper, listen.
[Gladys] Warren, Warren, Warren!
Warren!
[Blackie] Back up, honkey.
Garth!
Hi mom.
Sarah!
(grunting)
Warren!
Okay burr head, hold it.
I have been in the Coast Guard,
and I am not afraid to use this.
[Blackie] You drop it,
or I trash the TV.
Oh, we haven't met,
I'm Warren Fitzpatrick.
This is my wife Gladys.
[Blackie] Come on move it.
Go on move your white ass.
Piper, Joey behind me.
Why don't we all sit down?
I said have a seat.
Now be cool.
You know, it never fails to amaze me
how your typical anal
retentive suburbanites,
such as these items of white bread,
become hysterically
alarmed when confronted
by a crazy nigga.
[Mouse] Hey guys.
[All] Mouse!
I mean, Mouse get your ass
out the door.
[Joey] You heard the man.
[Mouse] Yeah.
[Blackie] Now take all your clothes off.
(glass breaking)
[Piper] Whitey?
All you people out of my house!
That's my gun!
[Warren] Come on you little punk.
This happens to be a real gun.
Hey, run you guys!
And I happen to be real pissed.
(gun fires)
[Piper] Run for it.
Oh for Christ's sake.
Hey (gun fires) get back here
so I can kill you!
Now, come and help me
with these people.
(yelling)
Oh no, no one's going out
that door, no no, no no no.
(gun fires)
(glass breaking)
[Piper] Let's get out of here.
These people are wacko.
[Whitey] No shit.
[Mouse] Hey you guys, over here.
[Joey] Oh yeah, let's take the car.
(dramatic music)
[Whitey] Wow, what a cool Jaguar.
Get out of there, I'll drive.
Hey I got shotgun,
get your ass in the back.
Hey guys, wait a second,
do you know how to drive?
[Piper] Do I know how to drive?
[Blackie] Oh man,
you ran over the dog.
They're stealing the Triumph, Dad.
Let it go.
Dad.
Bullshit, that's my car.
[Whitey] Get it in gear.
[Joey] Don't rush him,
he's got problems with that part.
(glass breaking) (tires squealing)
[Blackie] The car's in reverse fool.
[Piper] Shit, I'm stuck in reverse.
That's my car,
you come back here with that!
Oh geez, your hair's getting
grease all over the floor.
(tires squealing)
Stop, stop, I'm not kidding.
I mean it, I will, I really mean it.
I'm not kidding.
This time I mean it.
(gun fires)
You shot your own car, asshole.
(screaming)
(gun fires)
(screaming)
(gun fires)
(loud exploding)
(80's rock music)
[Man] You blew up my car, man.
My car, what are you doing?
Now goddamn it.
[Blackie] Come on man, hurry up.
[Whitey] Goddamn Mouse,
your old lady's crazy.
[Mouse] She's not my old lady.
(80's rock music)
(all talking at once)
[Blackie] You just ran
a red light, man.
What's the matter with you dog?
It's like riding in a boat.
Who's driving,
Stevie Wonder or what?
[Joey] What do you guys want to do?
- Let's go rob a bank.
- Let's get french fries.
[Whitey] I'm getting new underwear.
This stuff's starting to fight back.
[Joey] Let's take in a porno.
[Blackie] I say we get fake ID's
and join the Marines.
[Mouse] Let's go to the beach
and pee in the ocean.
[Whitey] Let's get a job.
- Whitey.
- Whitey.
[Whitey] Piper.
[Blackie] Hey, let's go home.
That was a good idea,
I say let's go home.
[Whitey] Yeah, but where
do you want to call home?
Do you want to call this home?
Okay, welcome home.
(80's rock music)
♪ You're such a lucky boy ♪
♪ Soon you'll be entering
a world of joy ♪
♪ You'll love our friends in town ♪
♪ You'll have a million laughs
so blessed your face ♪
♪ Here comes the pearly gates ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ They're my pride and joy
and here they come again ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ And I'll do it
for you anytime I can ♪
♪ Inside our happy home ♪
♪ Fine things and music
and the pride of home ♪
♪ You'll make some lifelong friends ♪
♪ And they will stick
with you through thick and thin ♪
♪ Won't you please come on in ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ They're my pride and joy
and here they come again ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ And I'll do it
for you anytime I can ♪
(80's rock music)
♪ We'll never punish you ♪
♪ We'll merely guide you
and that's all we'll do ♪
♪ You're such a lucky boy ♪
♪ Soon you'll be entering
a world of joy ♪
♪ You're such a lucky boy ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪
♪ Bad manners ♪