Bad Date Chronicles (2017) - full transcript

♪

Where is Alison?

You're gonna be late
for your date.

Relax, Erin.

The restaurant's right
around the corner.

I have plenty of time.

Leigh, you have to go home
and change first.

Take the blue dress
from my closet.

Oh, and my yellow sweater.

What is wrong
with what I'm wearing?

You're going on a date.



Your first date
since you broke up with-

Aaaaah!

Don't say it.

He who shall not be named.

Thank you.

I just think you should look
like you're at least trying.

This is so exciting!

Why aren't you more excited?

Because it's my first date
since I broke up with...

I'm just trying to keep
expectations low.

Hi, ladies.

Sorry I'm late,

I was stuck on a call with
advertising just explaining

that The Richards Record
is a serious, hard-hitting



online news magazine
that deserves respect.

But I am here now
and my full attention

is on my top two editors so they
can pitch me new ideas

for the next edition of...?

The Bad Date Chronicles.

The Foodie Country Blog.

Hard-hitting news magazine

with a softer, more human edge.

What have you got?

All I'm saying is that I think
you're overdressed.

It's our first date.

Exactly. You're setting the bar
way too high.

Look, Brad.

She knows I'm the Styles
and Trends editor

for The Peters Post.

I have to look good, ok?

I can't show up wearing
ratty jeans and a t-shirt.

Hey. I look good.

Yeah, for the editor
of a sport's blog.

Conner and Brad, my
two favourite editors.

You say that to all your
editors, Milo?

Yeah, but with you two
I actually mean it.

Just don't tell that to Susan
at the news desk,

it might break her heart.

Hey, Milo.

Don't you think that Conner
is a bit overdressed

for a first date?

No, he's a style guy.

He has to look stylish,
otherwise he's the sports guy.

Hey, I still think
you're gonna regret

wearing those nice clothes.

Think fast!

Dude!

I've got an extra pair of pants
in the car.

I will be right back.

And if you don't like those,

I also have two
really good submissions

for this week's
Bad Date Chronicles.

One is from Becky who's date
brought his mother.

The second is Steve who forgot
to put his car in park

and it rolled into the lake.

Car in the lake.

That'll make better headlines.

That is so depressing.

Do you know what we need?

A true love blog to balance
out your Bad Date Chronicles.

True love?

We don't do fiction
at The Richards Record.

Besides, nobody wants to read
about happy people.

Happy people
don't get page views.

She's right, Erin.

Not many people are into hearts
and flowers anymore.

Says the girl going
on a date tonight.

A date?

Well, I should really let you
get going so you can go change.

See?

She's got a date with
the Style and Trends editor-

Erin?

Over at The Peters Post.

Peters Post?!

Do not get me started
about Milo Peters!

Huh?

No.

No, I'm not going
on a date like this.

Why not?

Because I look like a roadie
for a hair metal band.

Well, maybe she likes music.

Conner, why don't you just
go home and change?

I can't. I'm already
running late,

the restaurant's all
the way across town.

How's my phone?

Uh, it got coffee too.

It's flickering on and off.

Sorry, dude.

Just use the one on the desk.

I can't. Her name is
in my contacts.

Why don't you just explain
it to her when you get there.

You'll probably have a good
laugh over it.

Hey, Brad.

She edits a blog called
The Bad Date Chronicles, ok?

So if I show up
looking like this,

I end up on the front page.

The Bad Date Chronicles?

Yeah.

Do not get my started
about Alison Richards!

You know who Milo Peters
stole his entire idea from,

don't you?

You?

Me.

I hired him.

I trained him.

I was his mentor.

He turned around,
stabs me in the back,

and starts the ridiculous
Peters Post.

She still tells people
I stole her idea

for The Peters Post.

Like doing an online magazine
is some brilliant idea

no one's ever thought of before.

I am so late.

Conner?

Do not give this woman
any ammunition

for The Bad Date Chronicles,
please.

Any more ammunition.

Yeah, thanks boss.

I feel better already.

Do not reveal any of
our company's secrets,

but get him to reveal his.

Is it too late to get out
of this date?

Stop. It'll be fine.

You won't end up in
The Bad Date Chronicles.

What happened?

You are never going
to believe this.

First, he was late.

Really late.

And he didn't
call you?

No.

I was just getting ready
to leave when he rushes up.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm sorry, look.

My car wouldn't start

so I had to get a cab
and race over here-

I thought he was
a style editor?

He said something about coffee and switching clothes

with his friend, and
that he tried to call me

but his phone didn't work.

Then...

Julian called.

Ju- Julian?

Peters Post?

He didn't make
a reservation?

Apparently not.

We had to wait at the bar
for 45 minutes.

I- I came here on a date,
I need you to help me.

Why didn't you go
some place else?

Because he said it was the
hottest restaurant in town.

Ugh.

Typical trends editor.

Once we got to the table,
things were ok.

Because all great love stories
start with things going "ok".

You know what I mean.

I didn't feel any butterflies,

but he was charming and smart

and it was going fine
and then...

Maître d' hooked me up.

I love it.

Oh man, this is...
this is the best.

You gotta try this.

Oh, that's ok.

I uh-

Seriously, this will take-

He set you on fire?!

Sorry.

In his defense, he did
put me out quickly.

No, no!

Look at it this way.

At least you can say
you felt a spark.

Yeah, it's a little soon
for fire jokes.

Sorry.

Especially because I'm not
even finished the story yet.

Don't tell me it gets worse.

Mmmhmm.

He left?!

Leigh) At first I thought
was in the bathroom.

Or maybe making a call
on his broken phone

but he never came back, so-

No!

Yes.

I had to pay the whole bill.

You are going to make him
reimburse you.

Reimburse us?

No. I just want to dry off,
accept the fact that

I'm never going on a date again

and eat my body weight
in ice cream.

I will admit, this was
not a great re-entry

into the dating pool.

But, on the other hand,

maybe this is an improvement
from your break-up with-

Don't say his name!

The worst human
who ever lived.

Thank you.

How awful is it that being
set on fire is actually better

than my last serious
relationship?

Well, at least now you have
your own bad date chronicle

and you're not just editing
other people's.

I am not putting this
on the site.

Uh, yeah you are.

You're gonna crush
every other bad date ever.

It's not a competition, Erin.

It should be.

'Cause you'd win.

Hey, buddy.

How was the big date?

It was a disaster.

Why?

Well, I couldn't get my car
to start

so I had to take a cab
and race over there.

Julian,
the restaurant critic,

said he would get me a
reservation at Il Tempo.

And he didn't?

Julian!

Onner) So we were at
bar for like half an hour.

Why didn't you just
go somewhere else?

Because I didn't have my car

and I wasn't gonna
ask her to drive, and besides,

once we started talking
she was smart and funny.

It wasn't bad.

When you're telling your buddy
about the hot date

you went on the night before,

you probably shouldn't include
the phrase "it wasn't bad".

Yeah, well, it definitely
got hotter.

Oh man, this is-

this is the best.

You gotta try this.

Oh, that's ok, I have-

Seriously, this will change
your life-

She set herself on fire?

I'm totally freaking out!

Onner) I'm convinced that
s woman's gonna press charges

against me or something,

so I go to get her
some paper towels,

and to splash some water
on my face.

You know, that waiter
would have

probably brought you
another pitcher.

Shut up.

Anyway, I managed
not to hyperventilate,

and then...

Hello?

Hello!

You got locked in the bathroom?

By the time I got out
she was gone.

And to make things worse,
she paid.

Oh, dude. That's bad.

I wanted to try to call her

to explain everything
that happened

but my phone still
wasn't working

so I just crashed and figured
I'd deal with it in the morning.

Conner.

I've been trying to call you
for an hour.

You gotta see this.

What's going on?

Everyone's looking for you.

Why?

Because of how your date
went last night.

How do you know how my date
went last night?

The whole world knows how
your date went last night.

Read.

"He showed up an hour late
looking like he had just come

"from playing video games
in his mother's basement."

Oh no.

We got calls from websites,
TV stations, newspapers...

You've gone viral, dude!

She didn't even use my name.

How-

"My date with Conrad,
a lifestyle and trends editor

"for an online magazine."

It wasn't hard to crack
the code.

Guys, what do I do?

Change your name,
move to another state?

I have to try to talk to her,
you know?

Convince her to take it down.

Post a retraction or something.

Excellent idea.

Yes, do that.

Where are you going?

With you.

You were late for dinner
and she set herself on fire.

I have to see what she's doing
for an encore.

Leigh.

Conner.

Conner!

You have a lot of nerve!

He's got a lot of nerve?

She's the one making up stuff
about their dates

and broadcasting it
to the world.

Who are you?

His friend Brad,
who are you?

I'm her friend, Erin.

What does he mean,
I made stuff up?

What you wrote on your site,
that didn't happen.

I was there.

I was the one on fire,
remember?

Yeah, I feel terrible
about that,

but there were extenuating
circumstances.

Look, I didn't use your name.

Yeah, but everyone knows
it's me.

This could affect my job,
my life.

My mother called me
all the way from Ohio

asking what she had done wrong
to make me turn out like this.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I-

Don't be sorry.

This is his fault, Leigh.

It is not his fault.

You haven't even heard
his side of it yet.

Well, he has a column
in The Peters Post.

Maybe he should go see
if the truth is trending.

Oh, no-

Ok. He will.

No, maybe we should-

No, Conner, it is time
to fight fire with fire.

See what I did there?

Funny. Very funny.

We'll just see who has
the last laugh.

Put something in there about
all we should do

is think about is think
about herself.

"Oh, I can't believe
he made me wait.

"Oh, I'm on fire!"

I'm not gonna say that.

"And he didn't call to explain
what had happened.

"Maybe he can't get
good cell service

"in his mother's basement."

Huh?

One sec.

Perhaps if she had taken
the time to listen to my side

we would have a fun story
to laugh about later.

But instead she jumped
to conclusions

so she would have a good story
for her blog.

Yeah, that's- that's good.

More of that.

Stop hitting refresh.

Well, how else are we gonna
know if he posts something?

I think we'll know.

Refresh.

Oh, he did NOT call you
self-absorbed.

The handle came off
the bathroom door?

Well, I didn't know that.

"Jump to conclusions"?

Well, he has a point,
I guess.

No, he doesn't.

He's the bad guy.

If what he's saying is true,
there is no bad guy.

You have to write a rebuttal.

Ok, I'm putting an end
to this right now.

Hey.

Um, I'll see you guys later.

Hi.

Hey.

Sorry to barge in unannounced.

No, no, no. That's ok.

How'd you get back?

Uh, the receptionist read
both our columns,

she's taking my side.

Ok, got it.

Wanna sit?

Sure.

Ok.

Listen, I read your post.

You were actually a lot nicer
about the whole thing

than I thought you would be.

I mean, I called you
self-absorbed and clueless.

I called you vain
and entitled, so...

Yeah.

I wanted to apologize
for jumping to conclusions.

I should have let you explain.

That's ok.

You know, and I wanted to
apologize for, well, everything.

Apology accepted.

Great.

Truce?

Truce.

Ok, so I'm going to go back
to chronicling

other people's bad dates.

And I'll go back to writing
about the latest trendy topic

that everyone will forget
about by tomorrow afternoon.

And we can both just forget
this ever happened.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Ok.

Well, I better go.

Ok.

Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah.

Hey. How'd it go?

He was fine.

We made peace.

Well, you are a much
better person than I am

because I'm still ready for war.

Nobody messes
with my friends.

I've been responding to comments
on his post for hours

just to work out
some aggression.

Just let it go.

If I can, you can.

You're right.

Absolutely right.

You've already opened the laptop
again, haven't you?

Yeah.

"Sounds like this Bad Date
Chronicle girl

"needs to go on a date
with a real man"?

I guess I can't expect more
from someone with a screen name

of Muscleman1988,

but maybe if you got out of
the gym every now and then

you'd be able to deal with real
women instead of just girls.

Signed, FoodieFan86.

Private chat?

Ok, singlesurfer87, what do
you want to say to me?

"Foodiefan88 I couldn't
agree more.

"Men like Muscleman88
give men a bad name.

"Ps. I'm a fan of food, too.

"What's your favourite?

"Italian, Mexican, Chinese?"

All of the above.

Alison Richards.

Still answering your own phone,
huh Alison?

Trying to prove you're
a woman of the people?

Milo Peters.

How are things going over
at that little blog of yours?

Not so little anymore.

One of our posts just hit
15 million views.

Really? I didn't know that
many people

in your target
audience could read.

Apparently about a million more
than yours.

It seems people are siding
with my trends guy

over your bad date woman.

No accounting for taste.

Same old Alison,
beautiful but ruthless.

Same old Milo.

Do women really fall
for that kind of line?

You did.

Once.

We went on one date.

It was horrible.

It wasn't that bad.

I have had surgeries
less painful.

Is there something I can do
for you, Milo?

Actually I was thinking we could
help each other.

I'm listening.

It's obvious these posts
are connecting with people,

and I'm not gonna lie.

15 million views is the biggest
thing we've ever seen

and I'm guessing 14 million
is for you, too.

I can neither confirm
or deny that.

You just did.

So it seems it's in our
mutual best interest

to try and keep
this thing going.

What did you have in mind?

You want me to what?

Go out with him again.

Like a do-over.

A do-over?

Woah, woah, woah.

Ok, Milo, let me get
this straight.

You, my boss, want me,
your employee,

to go out with a girl for work?

I'm not asking you
to marry her,

just go out for dinner with her
once or twice.

Wait, wha-

twice?

Let's make it three times.

You want me to go on
three dates with him?

Leigh, look at it like
public service.

Your dates help our readers,
good or bad.

Yes, and then you both write
your respective columns.

You want me to review my date?

However it turns out,
good or bad.

Besides, Conner,

this is the kind of thing
that could make your career.

I mean, come on.

This is styles and trends,
and this is definitely trending.

We're talking national
attention here.

You don't want to be editing
The Bad Date Chronicles

for the rest of your life,
do you?

I want to be a news editor.

Serious content.

I don't see how this gets me
any closer to that.

Well, you just happen to be
talking to somebody

that hires editors.

She's expecting your call.

He'll call you.

Thank you.

You are not going
to believe this.

I don't believe it.

Are you gonna do it?

I don't know if I have
a choice.

She can't make you go out
on a date with him.

Three dates.

And yes she can,
she's our boss!

I mean obviously I'd love
for my career to be bigger

but I don't know if this is
the way I want it to happen.

Well, maybe it won't be
so bad.

I mean, you said you kinda
made up with her, right?

I only went over there
because I was convinced

I'd never have to see him again.

Ugh.

You are such a creature
of habit.

Same coffee shop, same time,

and I'm guessing same coffee,
yep.

I don't come here every day.

Alison, I worked with you
for over two years.

You think there isn't a single
thing I don't know about you?

What do you want, Milo?

Well, just checking in,
seeing if you're ready

for our big date tonight.

Oh, is that tonight?

Let me guess, you forgot
all about it?

Totally slipped my mind.

Well, maybe we need to make this

a little bit more interesting
for you then.

Go on.

I'm thinking a little wager.

Whoever gets the most
post views wins.

Wins what?

One dollar.

Oh, times a little tough
over at Peters Post?

It's symbolic,
because I think losing

will drive you crazy
no matter what it is.

Ok, you're on.

But no interference.

What do you mean?

Well, it's in our interest
for these dates to go poorly.

Whatever happens, happens.

We stay out of it.

Deal.

So do you know where
they're going tonight?

Hmm.

It's a do-over date so I believe
they're heading back

to the scene of the crime,
Il Tempo.

And who's idea was that?

You know, I'd like
my dollar bill

to have nice, crisp,
sharp corners.

Please and thank you.

Enjoy your coffee.

I will.

You have nothing to eat.

Well, you invited yourself over,

you should have brought
your own food.

Which tie?

For what?

The job interview you have
to go on if you mess this up?

How is that helpful?

Just relax, you know.

Try and be yourself.

You always know what to say.

Ok, look.

If absolutely nothing else,

just view this as like practice,
you know?

It's been a long time
since Amy.

Yeah, well, it takes a while
to get over

having your heart stomped on.

But you're dating again,
so that's progress.

No, no, no.

This is not a date, Brad.

This is being forced by
my boss to go out for dinner

with a woman for work,
and you know what?

I feel cheap.

Yeah, ok, that is
a little weird,

but that first one, that,
that was a real date.

And look how that turned out.

Ok, I'm ready.

Wish me luck.

You don't need luck.

Oh, thanks man.

I meant all you have to do

is just not set someone else
on fire.

It's kind of a low bar,
you know?

Don't forget, she writes BAD
Date Chronicles.

Very funny.

Wish you had some food.

How do I look?

Perfect.

It's a little chilly though,
do you want to borrow a sweater?

Is it fireproof?

Right. Sorry.

Never mind.

I can't believe I'm so nervous.

It's not even a real date.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Maybe you'll even have some fun.

Fun, on a date,
does that ever happen?

Wow, he really did a number
on you, didn't he?

Who?

You know...

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, he broke my heart.

Actually, it was more than that.

He made me feel like...
like I wasn't good enough.

But you are, you know.

You're amazing.

Stop it.

You're gonna make
my mascara run

and you know how much
I hate female clichés.

Call me if you need
to be rescued.

Or, you know, if he wrecks
the date on purpose.

Thanks for that.

Hi.

Hello.

You're here.

You sound surprised.

Sorry.

This is a little uh... weird,
huh?

Yeah. Very weird.

I mean, I've been set-up
by co-workers before

but this is ridiculous.

Exactly. Yeah.

Well, shall we?

Oh, we have a reservation?

Uh, I sounded surprised again,
didn't I?

I heard it that time.

Sorry.

I'm going to see if our table
is ready.

Good evening, sir.

How may I assist you?

Hi. Hi.

I have a reservation for 830.

Conner Michaels.

Uh, yes.

Here it is.

Table for two.

945 p.m.

No. No, no, no.

I made the reservation
for 830.

No, sir.

See, it was 830.

It was moved to 945 p.m.

Moved by who?

Well, I'm sure I don't know,
sir.

Il Tempo.

Trying to tank the date.

Ok.

Ok, I see how it is.

Hi.

What will it take to move
the reservation to 830?

Private message
from singlesurfer87.

"What do you think
of the recipe?"

I'm not done yet.

The pasta is still boiling.

"This is my family's
secret recipe.

"If you mess it up I'll never
forgive myself for sharing it."

Well, then stop
chatting me.

I can't type and cook
at the same time.

"You've got two hands."

Thank you.

Do you think they remember us?

I'm thinking yes.

So.

So.

I- I literally have no idea
what to say right now.

Yeah, me neither.

I have a question.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Did you- and look, don't take
this the wrong way, but...

did you want to do this?

This whole he said
she said date thing?

Well, I- I mean, I thought
it was a cute idea.

But it wasn't your idea.

No.

I didn't mean for that to sound
so emphatic.

No, it's ok.

Look, it wasn't my idea, either.

It was my boss.

It wasn't me!

It was all Alison.

So you didn't want to be here,
either?

No! And I did mean to say
that emphatically.

Well, then, there-
look at that.

We both have something
in common.

Neither of us wants to be
on this date.

And we both have crazy bosses.

You know what?

I will drink to that.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Yes, you're in luck.

Something just opened up
in three months.

Mmmhmm.

Ok.

Alright, I'll talk to you soon.

May I help you, sir?

What? Oh, no, I'm good.

Actually, do you mind
maybe just...

just a little to your left?

Hmm.

Yes, I do mind.

You're not the only one
who can talk on a phone.

Milo speaking.

Milo, are you interrupting
Leigh and Conner's date?

What? No, of course not.

Really?

The maître d' obviously thinks
you are.

What are you doing here?

What are YOU doing here?

Protecting my investment.

From the lobby?

I'm surprised you don't have
a table here.

I did.

They weren't supposed
to be seated this early.

You changed the reservation.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

What else did you do?

Nothing.

What did you do?

Nothing.

You look amazing,
by the way.

Thank you.

I like the suit.

Thank you. It's Italian.

Anyway, I need to use
the ladies' room.

Oh, good.

Because I have to go
to the lit-

I have to go to the car.

For something in the car.

So I guess we should do
all the first date stuff

that we didn't get to do
last time, right?

Right.

Like where we're from,
family,

how long we've lived here
type stuff.

The basics.

Ok, well, I'm from-

Sorry, I- I forgot to turn
the ringer off.

Oh, no, go ahead.

Right.

Well, uh, I am from-

Sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm- I'm just
gonna turn it off.

Ok, we should- we should
be good now.

So, you were saying?

Yes, I was saying
that I'm from-

Miss Ryness, there's a call
for you at the front desk.

Really?

Mmmhmm.

That's... that's weird.

I better take it.

Of course. Go ahead.

Right this way.

There you are.

Thanks.

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me?

There's nobody there.

Really?

There was just a moment ago.

Said it was your brother,
and that it was urgent.

I don't have a brother.

Hmm.

I don't suppose he said his name
was Brad, did he?

He didn't leave a name.

Excuse me.

So.

You need this date to go bad
too, huh?

I'm onto you, buddy.

A call from her brother.

Mmmhmm. I see.

I have no idea what you're
talking about.

Ok, this means war.

Well, this has been...

Yeah, just...

Maybe we should...

I think so.

But hey, look at it this way.

At least nothing burst
into flames.

Sir, as requested,
our signature dessert.

Dessert?

Dessert?

Yes. Cherries jubilee.

Oh man.

"I'm not 100 percent sure

"but I think he might be
trying to kill me.

"I should check my will to make
sure he's not a beneficiary."

Wow. This is worse
than the original.

I didn't order that dessert.

This is so great.

Great? Why is it great?

Because your version has
twice as many hits as hers does.

We're winning.

It's totally worth the effort.

What effort?

The effort... it takes to build
a company

and hire brilliant editors
like you guys.

Good stuff.

Well, that was weird.

Yeah, this is weird.

In your blog you said

"I have no way of proving
that she sets of fake calls

"to interrupt the date,

"but if a bad date plot fits,
wear it."

You really think she had her
roommate page her

at the front desk?

I don't know who else
it could have been.

MyraB wants to know
why Conner hates women.

Who's MyraB?

One of the people commenting
on your article.

Why are you reading those?

Everyone who posts
on there is crazy.

They're not all crazy.

Well, I'll tell you what
is crazy.

That Conner really thinks
I did all this

just to make the date go badly.

I think the operative word

in the title Bad Date
Chronicles is "bad".

Besides, it's what you said
he did.

I know that's what he did.

Maybe he's trying
to divert suspicion.

This is ridiculous!

I went through all of that
and he's still getting

more views than I am.

How's Alison taking it?

She's ready to explode.

If I don't find a way to get
the page views up somehow,

I don't know what
she's gonna do.

Alison Richards.

Double or nothing?

You're on.

Hi.

Your office said I could find
you here.

I'm uh, I'm Brad.

Conner's friend.

I remember who you are.

If you're looking for Leigh
she's not here.

I'm not here to talk to Leigh,

I'm here to talk to you.

Why?

Because you're the one
helping Leigh tank their dates.

What are you talking about?

I haven't tanked anything.

Oh, so that wasn't you
calling her a hundred times?

Of course not.

Their second date is tonight.

All I'm asking is that
you just stay out of it.

I'm not in it.

Maybe you should stay
out of it.

Maybe you're the one
making Conner look bad.

Look. I know you
don't like Conner

but he's actually a really good
guy and he's been hurt, ok?

His last relationship was...

it took him a really long time

to where he felt like
he could trust anyone, so...

just stay out of it. Ok?

Leigh was hurt, too.

So bad that she won't even
let me say his name around her.

The Bad Date Chronicles
isn't just a job for her.

It's her way of feeling
a little less... alone.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry, too.

For him.

Just let them have their date.
Ok?

I really need to find a new
place to go for coffee.

When are you gonna let this feud
between us go?

When you admit what you did.

What did I do?

You know.

What?

Start my own company?

Want something for myself?

Is this what you've been angry
about for the last couple years?

Why did you come here, Milo?

Well, I was re-reading our
blog postings, both of them,

and I was actually feeling
a little bit...

guilty about what we did.

You? Guilty?

Is this being recorded for
one of those prank shows?

Alison, I'm serious.

Look, our sites may not be
New York Times,

but should still have some level
of journalistic integrity,

don't you think?

Messing with the love lives
of two innocent people

for our own personal gain

is about as far from integrity
as you can get.

I hate it when you're right.

So tonight the date goes
how it goes,

good or bad, we stay out of it.

Agreed?

Agreed.

You know you're beautiful
when you compromise.

Go away.

Enjoy your coffee.

This is insane.

He's just gonna try to mess
with me again

like he did last time.

Well, then you mess
with him first.

Yeah, but doesn't that make
me just as bad as he is?

Leigh, you have to make
a choice.

Either take control or stay
here and hang out on the couch.

Our couch is really comfortable.

Take control. Ok?

Ok.

I don't know what you're
so freaked out about.

I'm going out on a date
with someone

who thinks I'm trying
to kill her.

She doesn't really think that,

she just thinks you're trying
to sabotage your dates.

You know what,
maybe you should

What? Why?

Because otherwise
you're gonna end up

playing defense all night.

Don't let her take advantage
of you like...

Like Amy did.

Yeah.

You know what?

No more playing defense.

Sorry I'm late.

I just got here.

Yeah, so did I.

So we're both late.

Yeah, we missed the start
of the movie.

Ok, so what's plan B?

Well, I mean, I was thinking
we could take

a paddle boat ride
on the lake.

Lake? No, no lakes.

Uh, maybe we could
just get coffee?

Oh, coffee huh?

A room full of hot liquids?

No, no, no. I don't think so.

But there is a bar around
the corner that has karaoke.

So I can embarrass myself
in public?

No thank you.

Ice skating?

No, I don't want to end up
in a cast, no, no.

So what're we gonna do?

Maybe we could just...

I don't know, go for a walk
or something?

A walk?

It'd be fun.

Ok.

Yeah.

Woah.

So how'd you get involved
with Bad Date Chronicles?

Uh, happenstance mainly.

I got hired to be a copy editor
for the site

but then I had this really,
really epic break-up

around the time they were
looking for someone

to run the blog.

It seemed like a natural fit.

Had a few bad dates yourself,
huh?

I mean, other than ours.

More like bad relationships.

I kinda just wanted to forget
about it.

Work on something happy
and upbeat

but the site didn't have a blog

for puppies and rainbows,
so...

How about you and trends?

You know, in a way
it was the same thing.

I was writing a sports blog,
went through a bad break-up

and just decided that I needed
to write about something else.

Why?

Oh, did I not tell you that
she was a sports caster

of a local TV station?

Ah. Continue.

So my college buddy, Brad,
hooked me up with this gig

at The Peters Post by telling
them that I was super trendy

and cutting edge on
all the latest everything.

And you weren't?

No. No, my car was seven years
old and I had the same haircut

since I was 15.

You know that saying
"fake it 'til you make it"?

Yes.

Yeah, well, I was really good
at faking it.

So I guess our break-ups
were good for something.

They got us jobs.

Yeah, I guess they did.

I mean, there's
that whole

nability to trust anyone"
g to balance it out, but...

So you want to give
ice skating a try?

I will
if you will.

So much for integrity.

I was just watching.

What are you doing here?

Same. 15 million views
at stake here.

Well, we don't have to worry
about that anymore.

These two are on the most
boring date ever.

They're on a walk-and-talk.

I mean, come on!

This is not Bad Date Chronicle
worthy.

But what do we do?

We agreed not to interfere.

Yes, we did.

Because that

would be bad.

Yeah.

Although...

I'm listening.

A bad date is not just
in our best interest,

it's also in theirs.

Go on.

A bad date means
more page views,

which means higher profile,

which means better jobs
and more money for them.

This could be their
first step towards

starting their own
online magazine.

Exactly.

We kind of owe it to them
to interfere.

Yep.

We are their mentors.

And you know what,
mentors have integrity.

Yes.

So what are we waiting for?

Alison?

What?

You're beautiful
when you compromise

but you're gorgeous
when you're devious.

Let's just break up a date,
please.

♪

Leigh, how does it feel?

How does what feel?

To be a winner?

Your write-up of last night's
date is out-pacing

The Peters Post version
by 30 percent.

We are gonna crush them
on the next date.

Yeah, that's what I want
to talk to you about.

I don't think there's gonna be
a next date.

Why don't you have a seat?

What do you mean?

I mean, he can't be that bad,
can he?

No, he's not.

He actually seems like
a decent guy,

and in between all the horrible
stuff we were having fun.

But...

Alison, I think another
date is gonna kill me.

Leigh, I have been seeing you
in a whole new light

since this all started.

Smart. Funny.

Talented.

Wait, how did you see me before?

Honestly, you were fine.

Fine is fine, but
it's not amazing,

and since you've been sharing
your stories

you've been amazing.

Really?

Yes.

"If he's not intentionally
trying to make these dates

"a nightmare then I'm pretty
sure one of us has picked up

"an ancient Tiki necklace
on a family trip to Hawaii,

"because we are cursed"?

That's funny.

I see big things for you
at The Richards Record.

But can't I write
about something else?

Something that doesn't involve
the threat of imminent death?

I'm sure you could,
but how are you gonna feel

if you don't see this
all the way through?

Relieved.

Like a quitter.

Nobody wants to be a quitter.

I know I don't.

Uh, I don't think you have as
much at stake in this as I do.

You might be right.

Thank you for the talk,
Leigh.

I look forward to your
next write up.

What just happened?

Peters Post.

She thinks I sank the boat.

I know.

But I did not sink
the boat.

I know, but the boat sank
and so if I was your girlfriend-

She's not my girlfriend,
ok?

And it is not my fault.

It's gotta be someone's fault.

But it shouldn't be me, ok?

Leigh is literally trying to
blame me for every single thing.

I did not break
the karaoke machine

and I most certainly
did not sink the boat!

Do you think
your girlfriend did?

Stop calling her that.

I don't know, ok?

It doesn't seem like her,
but it can't all be coincidence.

Nobody goes on three dates
in a row like that.

So what're you gonna do
about it?

Where are you going?

To go break up
with my girlfriend.

Ah hah!

I told you she was
your girlfriend!

You're late.

I'm not late, I'm varying
my routine.

Same coffee house,
same coffee.

You're just ten minutes
later than usual.

I got a different drink, too.

Looks the same to me.

It's only half caf.

You are a madwoman.

Totally out of control.

Anyway, I was talking
to Leigh

and she made an interesting
point.

What's that?

That the stakes aren't
high enough for me

in this little competition
we have going on.

Ok. What were you thinking?

Your business card?

I don't think that's worth
the four dollars

our double or nothing
bet is up to-

Not the card.

The business.

I was doing a little research.

The Richards Record
has women 18 - 49.

Peters Post has men.

Separately we do fine.

But together we could
be amazing.

You want us to merge?

Yes.

As partners?

That's where the wager
comes in.

If we get more hits
on the next date post,

you work for me.

If you get more hits,
I work for you.

You're serious?

Very.

You're on.

Conner.

I can't believe you think
I'm that much of a monster.

Do you mind?

I- I work here.

What're you talking about?

Your Bad Date Chronicle
where you called me a sociopath.

I did not.

You may as well have.

I mean, sabotage?

Food tampering?

Maritime disasters?

If I wasn't so offended
I would be impressed

that you thought I had
that much power.

So, what?

You just expect me to believe
all this was just happenstance?

No, I don't think that at all.

So I'm the sociopath?

Well, if the straight
jacket fits.

It wasn't me.

Well, it wasn't me, either.

If it wasn't you and it
wasn't me, who was it?

Oh great.

Uh, that's my boss.

That's my boss.

Wait a minute.

That's Milo Peters?

Yeah. That's Alison Richards?

Yes.

What're they doing together?

Oh.

Brad?

Erin.

What're you doing here?

I'm meeting someone.

Me too.

Go away.

What do you mean, go away?

I mean you're going to ruin it.

How am I gonna ruin it?

I don't know but I'm sure
you'll find a way.

Well, then maybe you should go.

I'm not leaving.

I'm not either.

Red shirt.

Singlesurfer?

Foodiefan?

No!

No!

It makes so much sense.

I was feeling so...

Inept.

Yes!

Like I not only forgot
how to date

but was actually
really bad at it.

Like bodily harm bad.

I know.

I mean, I realize I shouldn't
wrap up my sense of self-worth

in this stereotypical
guy thing

of how women respond to me
on dates, but...

But it wasn't us,
it was them.

Yeah.

You know what?

They're the sociopaths.

Yeah.

They sank our boat.

They lit me on fire, twice.

Once.

I mean, the first time was
before they got involved, but...

Well, I say we blame
them anyway.

That works for me.

So what're we gonna do?

We were supposed to go
on a date this weekend.

Yeah, it's supposed to be
our last date and frankly

I don't think I want to know
what they have in mind

for a grand finale.

Yeah, that's definitely
not gonna end well for us.

Yeah.

You know, unless...

they can't mess with our date
if they don't know

when it's happening.

But they already do.

Not if we change it.

Oh, I like it.

Change it to when?

Right now?

Let's do it. Let's just go.

Let's go blow off the rest
of work,

go completely off the record.

Re-do all our bad dates
and make them good.

You know?

Just prove to ourselves

that we're not Bad Date
Chronicles material.

Let's do it.

Perfect.

Did you know?

Know what?

That I was me?

That she was me?

The one you were chatting-
you know what I mean.

No, I- we talked about Leigh
and Conner's dates

and you never said anything
about knowing them.

I wanted to know
what you really thought.

I figured if you knew I knew
her you'd censor your answers.

Yeah, me too.

But you defended Leigh online.

I didn't want to admit that
I thought my friend was being-

Lame?

Something like that.

I read both sides of it
and I thought Leigh

was making a better case.

Don't tell her I said that.

I won't.

So why didn't you say anything
in our chats?

Because I'm her friend.

It's in the job description
to defend her.

I get it.

So what now?

Because as much as I may
have liked Singlesurfer,

you in person has been-

Yeah, the feeling is mutual.

Well, I guess that's that then.

I guess so.

No way. Seriously?

When I was a kid I wanted to be
the governor of Ohio.

Not the president?

No. No, that's too scary.

I mean, with the president
you have

to deal with things like war.

With the governor you get

all the cool stuff
the president does,

like the car and the body guards
and the cool code name

but you don't have to worry
about whether or not

Michigan's gonna attack.

That's a good point.

What about you?

What'd you want to be
when you grew up?

Oh, I did the little
girl trifecta.

Princess, ballerina,
or a doggy doctor.

Nice.

Mmm, yes.

But unfortunately I realized
I wasn't born into royalty,

I have two left feet
and our dog Skipper

didn't go live
on a farm upstate.

Bloom was off the rules
on all of them.

Understandable.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Yeah, of course.

If our first date hadn't
crashed and burned...

Ah, I see what you did there.

Would you have wanted to go out
with me again?

I think so.

Ok. Why?

Because I thought you were
a nice guy.

Despite everything that happened
I couldn't stop thinking

that you were nice I...

I didn't get a lot of nice
with my ex-boyfriend,

so nice was a nice change
of pace.

Well, you know, I was relieved

when I thought I'd never have
to see you again.

Oh.

But, I mean, listen.

I was... I was disappointed,
you know?

Like I was missing out
on something special.

Oh.

It's been a long time
since I've felt that way.

You know, it's been
over an hour

and nothing horrible
has happened.

No, no, no.

Don't, don't jinx it.

Hazards everywhere.

There's no way this could work.

I know.

Our best friends
hate each other.

I know.

You and I hate each other.

I don't know about hate...

We certainly don't
like each other.

But Foodiefan
and Singlesurfer do.

I mean, I think they do.

They do.

But that's not real life.

That's bits and bytes and
data and hiding behind personas

that aren't who we really are.

And even if they were,

we don't know if they could
have worked.

So.

So.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah, me too.

For the record,

I think Singlesurfer and
Foodiefan would have made it.

Alison Richards.

Working late as usual?

Just making sure everything
is in order

for when you come work
at the Richards Record.

What a coincidence.

I was just figuring out
where you're gonna sit

when you come to work
at The Peters Post.

I do enjoy our little chats.

As do I.

So are we really gonna
do this?

Merge our two companies?

I've run the numbers ten times
and I keep coming up

with the same answer.

We're better together
than we are apart.

We always were.

Are you really ready to let
this go?

I've been doing this
a long time.

I started this blog
before people really knew

what a blog was.

It's been my life.

I know.

I was there every day and I
saw how important it is to you.

Yes, it is.

But when Leigh told me

that the stakes weren't
high enough for me

I realized she was right.

Things around here have
been routine.

What, you switched
to half caf?

When the thought of betting
Richards Record

first popped into my mind

my first thought
wasn't "that's ridiculous".

It was "why doesn't
that sound ridiculous?"

I wouldn't have made this bet
if on some level at least

I wasn't prepared to lose.

Ok.

But I am gonna win.

Ok.

How are you gonna feel
when that happens?

Let's just say you're not
the only one looking for

a little change in routine.

So I guess we should
talk about logistics.

Absolutely.

It was bad.

So bad.

Well, here we are.

Do you want me to escort
you home?

Uh, my car's here, so...
I could give you a ride.

Oh, no, it's good.
I drove here.

I'm good.

I uh, I had a great time.

So did I.

So the date's officially over,
right?

Right.

So that means...

What?

We're not bad dates.

Yeah, buddy! That's what
I'm talking about!

In your face!

We crush bad dates!

We're good at dating!

So I... I have an idea.

Ok.

I know this date was for us,
not our blogs, but...

It was a really good date.

It was, wasn't it?

And you think we should
tell people about it?

Yeah.

I would love for people to read
about a good date for once.

Ok.

Yeah, let's write it up tonight

and turn it in first thing
tomorrow.

Great. I can't wait to read it.

Me too.

Well, um... goodnight.

Goodnight.

If we write about
tonight's date,

that means it was for work.

I want our first kiss to be
on a real date.

So we get a real date?

Well, we were so good at it.

It would be a waste of all
that dating talent not to.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Ok, you are
never gonna believe

the incredible day I've had!

Seriously, it's like I've lost
all my bad dating karma.

Erin, what's wrong?

I think I found all your bad
dating karma.

Oh no. What happened?

Erin? Leigh's Erin?

Your mystery internet
soulmate was the woman

who kinda hates you?

That's the one.

I'm sorry, man.

Hey, what're you gonna do?

I can't do anything.

We'd obviously never
work out.

But you said you were
hitting it off online.

That was before I knew
who he really was.

I just wish there was some way

I could show her
who I really am.

Enough about me, though.

Um, how'd things go with Leigh?

Incredible.

We had the best time.

Really?

Really.

It's amazing how much easier
dating someone is

when you don't have crazy
people trying to mess it up.

Milo Peters and Alison
Richards together?

I thought they hated each other.

Well, apparently they have
one thing in common, greed.

You know, our posts
about our horrible dates

were getting huge numbers

so it made sense
that they wanted more.

So what're you gonna do?

We are gonna give them
what they want.

A third date.

Ok. Where do I start?

Uh, I'm sorry?

Oh, you don't have
to apologize.

No, I meant you.

You're sorry, for intentionally
ruining our dates.

Um... yes?

Alison.

Your Bad Date Chronicles
have generated millions of hits

as far as revenue.

I don't even think our
accounting department

has ever been asked
to count that high.

So no, I won't apologize
for making something popular

and successful.

Even if it meant I got hurt
in the process?

How did you get hurt?

I was on fire.

Oh, you really need to let
that go, Leigh.

Everybody else has.

Well, it's over now.

You have your final date piece,

I have fulfilled my duties.

I can't print this.

Why not?

"It's easy to get distracted
by the things

"that don't really matter,

"but that's what makes it all
the more exciting

"when you can see
past those distractions to find

"the real person
standing behind them."

Ugh.

Erin already pitched
the love stories blog.

Remember?

We don't do fiction.

It's not fiction.

That was our date.

You prefer that I make
something up?

Say we had a horrible time
and there was like a plague

of locusts or something?

Plague of locusts.

That's a little far-fetched,

but I like where
you're going with this.

What if the restaurant
had cockroaches?

I'm not doing this.

That is the date we had.

If you want something else,
write it yourself.

Alright. I will.

So Alison really tried
to sabotage your date, huh?

Milo.

Ok, ok. We're terrible people.

But we had good reason.

Oh, you did?

Yes, money.

Ok.

What I meant is money
for the company.

To pay people's salaries.

Not just you and me,

I'm responsible for
all these people here

and sometimes it's a little...

Scary?

Intimidating.

And I feel the weight of
that responsibility every day,

and I guess it made me
a little crazy.

And I'm sorry.

Thank you.

This is really well-written.

You really like her, huh?

I do.

Well, this isn't
what they want.

I don't know, Milo.

Doesn't everybody want a story
with a happy ending?

Yeah, for themselves,
but not other people.

But if this is what you want
to publish...

It is.

Then this is what we'll publish.

Ok.

Just let me show it
to Alison first.

I don't want there to be
any surprises.

Ok. Milo, thank you.

I appreciate it.

Remember that when
we're all unemployed.

This is good.

This is really good.

This makes that fire stuff
look like child's play.

Bad Date Chronicles,
here we come.

And publish.

Aargh!

Hey. Can we talk?

Milo. Yes, actually
we need to talk,

but I have to run out and find
Leigh really quickly.

Do you mind waiting for me?

Not at all.

I'll be right here.

I don't understand.

Conner.

This is not her.

Everything matches
with what you said.

Instead of writing
a romantic comedy,

she wrote a horror movie.

"When he asked me

"if I thought I wanted
to go out with him again

"after the first date I
almost couldn't decide

"if I wanted to scream, laugh,
run away, or throw up.

"That I kept myself from
doing any of these things

"is nothing short of a miracle."

Why would she do this?

I hate to say it but I think
you got played.

This way she can write her
Bad Date Chronicles,

you look like a fool,
she gets all the hits,

we get left with nothing.

I really thought she liked me,
you know?

Sorry, man.

You haven't published
my story yet, have you?

Good. I think it needs
a few revisions.

Yes.

You have a food problem?

I always lose my appetite
when I feel like I've messed up

something important.

Maybe you didn't mess it up.

Maybe someone else
messed it up.

Maybe we both did?

But I presume
you heard about

Leigh and Conner's date
last night?

Yes, it went great!

So I figured, you know, if they
could let bygones be bygones

and start over, then
maybe we could, too.

"What time can you
pick me up tonight?"

It wasn't me.

Oh, it's a news alert.

Conner just posted the write-up
of their date.

Uh oh.

"It turns out that our bad
dates really were my fault

"because I'm the one who was
willing to give her

"the benefit of the doubt.

"I was willing to believe that
she was a decent human being."

Did you know about this?

No!

When I talked to him,
it was fine.

They had a great time,
everything was great.

Or maybe he was
just pretending that

so he could write
this hit piece.

No, Conner is not like that.

And what about you?

Coming over here all...

charming.

I'm such an idiot.

Where are you going?

I have to find Leigh.

It's funny.

What is?

How fast it all comes back.

I really didn't think I had
gotten over my break-up

with Danny.

You said his name.

That's the thing.

I thought it would hurt too much
to say his name.

I thought I was still too hurt
by everything that had happened.

It's understandable.

But see? I wasn't.

I was better.

I felt better.

About myself, about my life,
about everything.

I just didn't realize it
until I read this.

Now I know how much better
I was

because now I remember
what it feels like to be hurt.

It comes back so fast.

It's funny, isn't it?

You were just waiting
for an opportunity

to stab me in the back,
weren't you?

Hold on a second.

Somehow you're
the victim here?

You know, I really gotta
give you credit for that.

I was prepared to lose stuff.

That was a fantastic
performance.

Have a seat, please.

Let me guess.

Conner character assassination
piece?

All your idea, right?

Just like Leigh's hatchet job
was yours?

What are you talking about?

We haven't posted anything.

Yeah, but I saw what
you were gonna post.

No!

Leigh didn't write this,
I did.

What?

Leigh wrote this really lovely,
sweet piece of fluff.

I couldn't let her post it.

So I wrote this and I was gonna
put it up instead.

But I changed my mind.

I don't believe you.

Where'd you find these papers,
Milo?

In the- in the trash.

Because that's where
I put them!

I threw it away!

I wasn't gonna post that.

And Conner's original piece
was about

how amazing their date was.

And then I showed him this.

Of course you did.

We're terrible people.

The absolute worst.

I mean, they could
have been in love.

Or at least headed that way.

And we ruined it.

Terrible, horrible people.

The worst.

Brad, get in here ASAP.

Yo.

Brad, we need your help.

What did you two do?

Erin?

Brad.

Get out!

And you!

Get out!

And you.

Well, you own the place so I
can't really tell you to get out

but I'm not very happy
with you, either.

That's fair.

Erin... just take a look
at these.

What did you do?

It was them.

It's true.

It's our fault.

But we just wanna know how
to fix it.

So what do we say?

How do we fix this?

Erin, I got your message.

What...

I still don't understand
what we're doing here.

Just trust me, ok?

Ok.

Wow.

Amigo.

"My date with Conner
was unexpected.

"Not because it turns out
that he's charming and funny.

"I had gotten glimpses

"of those qualities on
our previous dates."

"No, the date with Conner
was unexpected

"because I realized that
our horrible dates were really

"our own faults.

"Our scars from past
relationships meant that

"we weren't willing to give each
other the benefit of the doubt."

"Leigh's willingness
to throw caution to the wind

"and go out on a
spur-of-the-moment date

"made me look at her
in a whole new light."

"She not only accepted
this folly,

"she also embraced the chance
to jump off a very tall bridge

"with only a very thin
bungee cord

"and I admire her bravery."

"Here's the thing about doubt.

"It's just a distraction.

"It's easy to get distracted
by the things

"that don't really matter

"but that's what makes it
all the more exciting

"when you can see past those
distractions to find

"the real person
standing behind them.

"I saw Conner for the first
time last night,

"and I hope it's not the last."

"Hands clammy, mouths dry,
hearts pounding.

"Leigh and I stood together
on the precipice,

"risking a fall but eagerly
anticipating the act of falling.

"And together we leapt."

You wrote this?

You?

Mmmhmm.

Can I ask you a question?

Ok.

Can we count this as
our first real date?

Sure.

Then why aren't you giving me
that goodnight kiss?

Because I'm not ready
to say goodnight.

Bradley, stop it.

Yeah, dude!

Ok, ok.

Hey!

Woo!

A toast!

Somebody has to make
a toast.

I think Conner should go first.

Ok.

Alright.

Well.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

To new beginnings, old friends,
and that's all I've got.

Wait, wait. I have one.

To the end of The Bad Date
Chronicles and the beginning

of the real love stories column,
non-fiction.

I have to hand it to you guys,
I didn't think anyone

would want to read
about that last date.

And who knew it would have
been our most popular post?

But enough of that
romantic stuff.

The real reason we're here
to celebrate.

A union between the Richards
Record and Peters Post.

A partnership.

To the Richards Peters Report.

Wait a second.

Why does your name go first?

We talked about this.

Because my site has been
around a lot longer than yours.

Yeah, but I have a more
engaged audience.

Engaged?

Wait, my audience
is very engaged.

How long until they realize
they're in love with each other?

I think we should set them up
on a few bad dates.

...so then my name
goes first-

Which is why we're here having
this partnership.

Why a bad date?

Because sometimes you need
a few bad dates

to know which ones
you really like.

...having this partnership.

Cheers.