Bad Charleston Charlie (1973) - full transcript

[jazz music playing]

[SINGING] Iron rust, coaldust, mining don't get

you then the company must.

Money, money, land
of milk and honey.

Good bye band of mine,
but I'm glad that I'm

Charleston Charlie,swinging in the mad pines.

As a point of recollection,there's a racket of protection.

I do like Charleston
Charlie or Capone.

Get some duds and find a floozy.

The rest of it's a doozy.

I'll make a million
dollars on your own.



Well, iron rust, coaldust, mining don't get you,

then the company must.

Money, money, land
of milk and honey.

Good bye bad times, but I'mglad I'm Charleston Charlie

swinging in the mad pines.

Now, I'm a song of unsung herosgoes to figures in the zeros,

some of them are
big some are small.

When it comes to
working boo-boos,

Charleston's album
was a [inaudible]

and Charleston Charlie wasthe greatest of them all.

Oh, iron rust, coal dust,Well, if mining don't get you,

then the company must.

Money, money, land
of milk and honey.

Good bye bad times, I'm
moving up to glad times.



Charleston Charlies.

You know sometimes,
you read about that man

on the newspapers thereflying across the Atlantic

Ocean or something?

Yeah, I read about that.

[brr]

What was his name?

Charlie something.

One day I'll leave.

Lindburgh, Lindburgh,
that was it.

He ain't got a thing
to worry about.

Jablonsky.

After we pay off
to the shop steward,

we ain't got nothing left.

The name?

Boyle.

It's a long day.

Jacobson.

Thadeus Winnowsky.

What the hell?

Hey, Jacobs.

Jacobs, the money!

Come here with the money!

If you don't pay the shopsteward, then you don't work.

Hey, Charlie!
Wait a minute!

Charlie!
Charlie!

Wait a minute!

You've got to pay the man.

I ain't going to
pay him no more!

But you've got to pay him.

Come on, no more.
Let's go!

But we can do importantthings, you know what I mean.

Yeah, but that's a
payday back there.

Who cares about
paydays anymore,

we're going to do
what we want to do.

[laughter]

Just look at it out there Thad.

It ain't crowded,
it ain't stacked up.

What are we going to do?

We're going to do importantthings, like them Lindburghs.

All right, I can't fly
a plane, but that don't

mean I can't be important.

You know, there
are guys like you

and I that nobodies that
make it and make it big.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Like who, Charlie?

Like that Al Capone.

Oh come on, he's a gangster.

But he's famous and I'vebeen studying his formula.

It's never going to
get warm, Charlie.

Never.

[whistling]

Hey, where did you get that?

You noticed, huh?

I never saw that before.

That's sure pretty.

That's what I've been
saving my money for.

You know kind of wonder alittle do you think maybe you

and me can really get to belike those two gangsters?

Why not?

Capone did.

And he was nothing but a bumin this place called Brooklyn.

Come over here, I'm
going to show you

something I've been planning.

Look at them clothes.

Yeah.

Huh?

Now, them are theclothes of important men.

Look at that striped suit there.

Yeah, they sure look
important, all right.

That looks pretty great, there.

Look at them stripes.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, where did you get the book?

Sears.

You know, the last time I sawone of them was in a-- uh--

An outhouse, I know.

Some of the pages
are missing here.

Look at that, there!
That's good.

Oh, yeah.

I want to show you
something else.

Stay there.

I don't know, though, Charlie.

I've been thinking.

Do you think that
you and me can get

away with a thing like this?

I got it all figured out.

-Hey.
-Eh?

That's what you need.

You need a cigar.

That looks great, Charlie!

Let me light it for you.

Mm.

Oh, ho, that's great.

Yeah, that looks good.

[knocking on door]
-Charlie!

Hi, Thad.

Charlie, it came!

Oh!

THAD: What do you got there?

Oh, wait 'til you see it, Thad.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

Now, don't you get it dirty.

Let her put it on me.

LENA: [gasping]

Now, now, the other
way, the other way.

That's it.

Oh, yeah.

Now tip it down there,Yeah, that's how like it.

LENA: [laughing]

How do I look?

Yeah.

You know somethin'?

You look like the guy
a little bit there.

-Like the picture?
-Yeah.

Really?

You sure do.

Oh, Charlie.

Can I go walking with
you and that hat, huh?

Hey, that's great, Charlie.

Put a suit on-- that's great.

Thad, you oughta get you ahead.

Oh, Charlie!

Oh!

Oh, now, Charlie, look at me--you got me all messed up--

Yeah, that looks terrible.

And I just put this dress on.

I-- I-- I'll go getLena all cleaned up, huh?

OK?

Come on, Lena.

Yeah.

OK, kid.

You got the great Americandream to become rich.

Have, uh, fancy clothes and,uh, have people respect ya.

Well, I tell you one way--the only way to become

that way is to become a crook.

Not a little one, but
a big one-- yes, sir.

Now you gotta have rules.

Rule number one issurvival-- don't let them

kill you-- you kill 'em first.

You got that?

Now, rule number
two-- you gotta have

a bodyguard-- personal
bodyguard, somebody big

and strong, somebody you trust.

Thad, I need a
personal bodyguard.

How would you like to be
my personal bodyguard?

Yeah, Charlie.

What do you want me to do?

Well, uh, first
thing you gotta do

is prove your
loyalty by standing

guard outside the door.

OK, Charlie.

Thad, don't let anybody in--especially Lena's mother.

Hey, Lena.

You know, how would you liketo be a gangster's moll?

Hm?

Hey, Thad, you keep on
bodyguard out there.

Turn around, I'll
wash your back.

[giggling]

LENA: All right.

Woohoo!

Woohoo!

What is this chair
doing in the hall?

Charlie, [knocking on door]Here comes the old lady.

Yes, ma'am, you sure put a nicedress on there, Mrs. Petrusky.

Don't tell me about my dress!

I don't want to hear it.

[knocking on door] Charlie!

Charlie!

Every Saturday night, I comeup here, and I'm tired of it!

Now, who is in that bathroom?

Charlie's in there,
and he's taking a bath!

It's Saturday night!

Charlie, get the hell out!

He's taking a bath!

Get out of there, Charlie!

Mrs. Petrusky, that's anice dress you got on there.

My [inaudible], don't
tell me about that!

You've lost a couple of pounds.I can tell that.

Shut up!

Don't you-- don't you talkto me about my weight!

And don't tell me
about the dress.

I don't want to hear it!

I want him out!

Ma'am.

[music playing]

Are you ready for rule
number three, boy?

Rule number three is
don't get arrested.

One way of doing that is bysupporting your local sheriff.

[coughing]

HARVE: Charlie, what
are you trying to say?

CHARLIE: We have a businessproposition for you, Harv.

H

You quit the mine?

Yeah, we ain't goingback there no more, Harve.

No more kick backs to themshops, too-- it's for us.

Look, you gotta
learn to live with us.

The shops do it, the paymaster.

It's been going on
for a long time.

They got their racket.

We're organizing agang-- that's our racket.

We're gonna begangsters, like Al Capone.

[inaudible].

Jesus Christ.

I'm gonna be his bodyguard.

You gangstas move your feet.

Shut up, Jake.

Move your feet.

Ah.

Is that the way that
gangsters dress?

Look, Charlie.

Let me give you my frank
and honest opinion.

I don't think you two arecut out to be gangsters.

Why not?

Why don't you find
yourself a nice girl,

get married, have
a couple of kids?

Sheriff, you finished
readin' this yet?

Yeah, I'm finished reading it.

You know, apparently
you haven't been reading

the headlines lately, Harv.

Organized crime is the answer.

Working in Chicago.

Champaign.

Cicero.

Urbana.

Look, you keep breakin' thelaw, you're gonna be arrested.

Now wait a minute, that'swhy we came to you to bribe

you so we won't get arrested.

You're gonna be on
our personal payroll.

I can't go around
taking any bribes!

Why not?

How much?

Well, in the
beginning, it's, uh,

gonna be a little low, but--

Charlie, this badge--
I took an oath,

I took an oath on this badge.

He's honest.

That's an honest cop.

I heard that, Harve Koontz.

And you took an oath to meon our wedding day, remember?

You promised when youtook me away from the city

that you'd support me in style.

Hilda, I'm supportin' you.

That's what you call this?

You don't earn enough moneyto feed the prisoners,

let alone your own family.

Do you know what he
has to do to make

ends meet for me and the kids?

Heck, Hilda, Charlie and Thaddon't wanna hear all that.

I'm gonna tell 'em-- hedelivers milk every morning.

And on Saturdays andSundays, he paints barns.

And Charlie, he's running
out of barns to paint.

Look, if he's big enough tooffer you a bribe, Harvey,

take it!
-Hilda, Hilda.

-I've had it!
-[inaudible].

Don't talk like that
in front of him.

Oh, Thad.

Don't-- don't you think
he might be a witness?

A witness?

Jake-- he's never been
a witness in his life.

No sir, don't pay me no mind.

You oughta listen to yourwife, Harv-- she knows.

You know them coppers
up in Chicago?

They get paid so muchfor letting Bison bootleg

roll in their district.

They get paid, huh?

Yeah, I promise you one thing,Harv-- when we make it big,

there ain't gonna be
no more second-hand

dresses for your wife.

You're gonna get your cut.

No more hand-me-down clothesfor them eleven kids of yours,

either.
-Hey, hey now--

Harvey, the door of opportunityis opening for us-- open it!

Take it!

Its a deal!

Right, Harv?

OK.

[laughing]

Listen, let's
have a cigar, huh?

Hilda.

Thank you.

Ladies first.

Oh, thank you, men.

Here.

Hilda, that's liable
to make you sick.

[laughing]

My first.

[laughing]

Thank you, Charlie.

We're exactly just like Al.

Charlie, you got
one other problem.

CHARLIE: Ah, no problem.

KKK boys-- they don'twant crime in this county.

[marching band music]

Hi, Jim.

You know, uh-- you're behind.

Four weeks, Charlie.

Four weeks behind.

Yeah, I-- I know,
Charlie. [inaudible].

You know, I got
four kids to feed.

Do you need any more?

Could use $5.

Mark him down for another $5.

Thanks, Charlie.

You're welcome.

Hey, Don.

He almost got away.

You know, you're about, uh--

He's four weeks
behind, Charlie.

Four weeks behind onthat $10 bill we gave you.

Yeah, I know, Charlie, butI've got five kids, and--

What, do you need anymore?

Oh, I could use $100.

$100?

Well, I can give you a $5.

Mark him down for
another $5, OK?

We'll see you next week, now.

You don't forget us, OK?

Charlie, we had
to hock everything

we got to make the sandwich.

Listen, you worry too much.

You can't worry.

[music playing]

[dogs barking]

Charlie-- I can't do
this no more, Charlie.

I gotta get somethin' to eat.

We ain't done nothin' right.

Today, they're
payin' in the mine.

I could be making a livin'.

It's warm down there.

I'm cold, and I'm tired.

Now, now, just
wait a minute there.

Look, it's important thatwe keep up our front, right?

Look at you, you
look like a mess.

Come on now, straighten up.

That's it.

Come on, put your tie in.

There.

The tie fixed it.

That's better.

Look at ya.

Fix your hat, come on.

Gotta stick together--that's the important thing.

-OK, Charlie.
-OK?

OK.

I got an idea, OK?

It's a great one.

We're gonna roll somebody.

How do you do that, Charlie?

Just wait for the
first guy to come along,

and you just pretend
like you got a gun

and just stick him up.

And I'll guarantee you
a good meal tonight.

Come on.

Boy, I hope so.

All right.

You just stand there, OK?

Like this.

You got a gun in your pocket.

And you just wait.

That's all.

See anybody?

I don't see nobody
comin', Charlie.

Nobody.

Hot soup, huh?

Steak.

See anybody yet?

Here comes a
little guy, Charlie.

OK.

Now, you take that
side over there,

and I'll stand here, all right?

And when he comes, you
just jump to that side,

and I'll move out
behind him, OK?

OK, Charlie.

See, everything's
going to be all right.

OK.

OK, you start walking slow.

And look, don't look suspicious.

Hey, I thought you
were gonna say, reach.

I forgot, Charlie.

[music playing]

[inaudible]

What are we goin'
to Wiltonsville for?

Hey, Charlie, why are we
goin' to Wiltonsville.

That's where all the action is.

I'm gonna get Penny to
put us on the cup there.

That's where all the action is.

Last time we was there, wegot the hell beat out of us.

Hey, Charlie?

Who's Penny?

Oh, Penny's the one who
runs the boarding house.

Yes, sir, Thad, we're gonnalearn from our mistakes.

If you wanted action
on a Saturday night,

would you go to Harpersville?

No, sir, you went
to Wiltonsville.

Yeah, that's the whole point.

We got a better chance
in Wiltonsville.

Hey, Charlie, I don't
like this place.

It is spooky.

Now, just keep lookin' out.

Yeah, I got it all worked out,Thad, nothing to worry about.

Yeah, why?

Well, it hasn't come to meyet, but don't worry-- it will.

[train approaching]

[marching band music]

Hey, Charlie,
listen to the music.

Yeah.

Sounds bad, don't it?

Must be a high school band.

[applause]

You gonna go?

Yeah.

Over here.

[marching band music]

Friends!

We're gonna set an example inthis town for the whole nation

to follow!

And now for a song!

[MUSIC - "AMERICA THE
BEAUTIFUL"]

[cheering and applause]

Thank you, friends!

Thank you.

I would like to personallyapplaud your fine work.

[clapping]

[drumming]

Not now, boy, [inaudible].

It's up to each and
every one of you

fine citizens to rid this areaof barbaric hoodlums-- sinful

women!

To whitewash your
homes and your hearts!

To rid this area of scum!

Unclean bodies!

Hair that hasn't seen
a brush for months!

To make this place a
decent place to live in!

And all you new recruits willthank God as you have joined

our cause and for the privilegeto wear the gowns and hoods

of the mighty Ku Klux Klan!

And now, let's sing a songabout this great nation

that we all love!

[MUSIC - "AMERICA THE
BEAUTIFUL"]

[SINGING] Oh, beautiful
for spacious skies.

For amber waves of grain.

For purple mountain
majesties, [inaudible].

Is this the KKK, Charlie?

In person.

You know, that's the worstband I've ever heard?

The trombone's
drowning out the drum.

Nah, they sound
pretty swell, Charlie.

What's the matter?

I'm Jewish.

You don't look it to me.

[SINGING] From
sea to shining sea!

Come on, let's go.

Let's go.

You're leavin' us, friends?

Don't you believe in our cause?

Some of counselors willhelp you make up your minds!

[marching band music]

Criminals?

We didn't do
nothin', you and me.

We didn't break any laws,we're not criminals!

Don't worry-- we got rights!

Yeah!

We got rights!

What are the rights?

We got constitutional--
you know,

the Constitution of
the United States.

It guarantees us
the right to-- Look,

I know we got rights--
I read all about it!

[interposing voices]

Oh, he looks as strong
as an ox, Charlie.

What?

Oh, I'd like to get him someday.

Shh!

I didn't say nothin'.

How long have you been in here?

Three days.

Three days?

For what?
-For nothing!

Because I've got a moustache.

Come here.

Not him, you-- over here.

Keep your mouth shut!

We've got rights.

What have you got?

Huh?

Got rights, sir--
constitutional rights.

Couldn't I talk to
my lawyer, please?

Shut up!

He's got what kind of rights?

Constitutional
rights, guaranteed--

You've got no rights
in here except what I

give ya-- you understand that?

Shut up!

Leave him alone.

Captain, could I talk to you?

What do you want?

Could I get out
of here, please?

There's a mistake.

There's no mistake.

You deserve it here, you
little dirty Jew boy.

When are you gonna get what?

When are we gonna
get fed, Captain, sir?

You're gonna get
fed when I'm hungry.

Understand that?

Yes, sir.

Could I talk to
my lawyer, Captain?

You can't even
talk to your mother.

Can I help you?

Now.

What do you know,
what do you know.

Slob, out.

Out!

Stand over there.

You, out.

You stand right over there.

Come on!

[shouting]

JEWISH MAN: Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Sit down there.

JEWISH MAN: Take
it easy, please!

I ain't never been
to jail before.

I want to go back to the mine.-Sh!

We got rights.

I'm thinkin' on it.

I'll work it out.

[inaudible].

Capone was in jail,
we're in jail now.

We could get out
with a mouthpiece

-Are you gonna shut up?
-Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Sit down!

Why are you always so rough?

Put that down.

You!

Over here.

Give me your hand.

Now keep it loose.

Yes, sir.

THAD: Wha-- wha--
what you doin'?

This is gonna go in
the criminal records.

We're not criminals,
we're businessmen.

Same finger twice, sir.

All right, all right.

Smartass.

Don't lick your
fingers, for chrissakes.

That's the same one again.

All right.

Now get over there,
and you come over here.

Hey, captain!

Are you gonna feed us?

Will you shut up over there?

Now, listen-- I don't
want you guys to be

smart guys, because
I got enough on you

to put you away for 20 years.

That is, inciting a
riot and disturbing

the peace and the assaultwith a deadly weapon.

So you just be
careful, you got it?

Wait a minute, it was theKu Klux Klan that started--

That's what it was.

The Klan started the fight!

[shouting]

Ku Klux Klan didn't do nothin'!

They didn't do nothing,
the Ku Klux Klan.

All they were doing waspreserving law and order!

We get a trial?

Oh, you'll get a trial.

Oh, sure, you get a trial.

Do you, uh, gentlemen happento know who's the, uh,

local justice of peace, hm?

Well, it happens to be yourold friend, Mr. Farrell, the

local cyclop, and my old buddy.

Charlie, we're in big trouble.

But not for long.

What do you mean, not for long?

Al Capone.

Al Capone?

That's right, Al Capone.

You ever heard of him?

Sure.

Yeah, well.

We've already
taken over Chicago,

and we're headed
south to your county.

And I can tell you
one thing, captain--

he's gonna like your style.

How do you know?

How do I know is because I'mthe advance man for Capone,

and that's my
personal bodyguard.

Get off.

You're kidding!

You-- you two guys don't
look like criminals.

Eh-- do you have any ID?

What's ID?

Identification!

You mean, like, stuff
that proves who you are?

Proves who you are!

Yeah, we got ID.

Yeah.

PRISONER: How about us?

Shut up!

[music playing]

See that?

Huh.

A hat.

Eh, [inaudible].

Big deal, big deal!

That's a white fedora.

I don't care if it's
a white anything.

Big deal-- a hat.

Hm!

Hey, Thad-- he's
a hard man to sell.

Al's gonna dig him.

Al's gonna dig you, [inaudible].

Eh?

You know what that is, captain?

You never seen that before?

It's silk underwear.

Uh-huh.
Wow.

Hey, yeah.

That's enough.

Let's not get the grabbies.

Now all we gotta do is figureout what grade you are.

Grade?

Well, what do you mean by grade?

For when we take over
for the weekly payroll.

See, number one
grade-- number one

grade-- he makes $10 a week.

He's in on all the takes.

$10.

Take it!

Take it so you could feed us!

Will you guys
shut up over there?

Will you just kind
of keep it down?

I-- I don't want those guysto know what I'm up to!

Yeah.

Quiet, quiet.

I understand.

Now, it's $10 a week toget in on the first grade.

You got that?

$10 a week!

Don't be ridicul-- are
there any other grades?

Yeah.

Hey, fellas!

Hurry, captain!

Lottie Cragmore.

I know her.

Excuse me, captain, I'llexplain the other grades--

Did ya miss me?

Lottie, Lottie,
do you remember me?

Charlie Jacobs?

Yes! [laughing] How are you!

Hey, listen-- why don't youcome and visit me anymore, huh?

I'm gonna visit you, Lottie.

I got a plan to get
you out of here.

Who?

Who's drunk?

Pardon me, sir.

Pardon me-- what
are booking her for?

Lewd, drunk, disorderly,
resisting arrest.

Shut up and just
write out the report!

[shouting]

Number three-- that's thehighest-- that's $30 a week.

But number three's
the highest, right?

Shake hands, and we're
number three! [laughing]

I'm a third-grade cop!

Listen, captain-- can
we take her with us!

Yeah, take her
and good riddance!

-Hey, captain!
-Yeah?

Can you feed us now?

Yeah, now that I'm
a third-grade cop,

I'm gonna feed ya!

[inaudible].

Listen, [inaudible].

What do you want?

Spaghetti and
meatballs with vino!

Spaghetti and
meatballs with vino!

How about you, Jew boy?

A White Castle burger
and a cup of coffee.

A White Castle burger
with a cup of coffee.

How about you?

Chili and beans.

Chili and beans!

I'll be right back!

Wait!

Could I change my order?

Penny!

Who is it?

Charlie.

What are you doing here, huh?

Listen.These are some friends of mine.

Can you put us up
for about a week?

I wonder why.

I want you to
meet 'em over here.

This is Thad, and this isLottie here-- Miss Penny.

Penny.

It's her place here.

Are you the money?

Where's the money?

Shh-- shh-- shh-- quiet.

Why don't you take the
room up to the right?

On the right.

If you need anything else--

You're all shiny,
like a new penny.

Come on, Lottie, Lottie--

I don't wanna go upstairs!

Lottie-- Lottie, go upstairs.

So long, Page.

It's-- it's a--
we're celebrating.

It's a new business deal.

Yeah, I know your
business deals, Charlie.

Hey, Penny, you're
a swell dame.

Thank you.

[WHISPERING] Thad!

And my sister,
Sadie, was a lady.

Sadie was a lady.

She was a wonderful girl.

She was very good to me.

She left me this
property, you know.

You know, Charlie,
the first guy I ever

had was a travelling salesman.

That looks good.

Yeah.

Charlie, did you-- ow.

Don't-- my-- don't!

My hair-- don't burn my hair.

Get the towel.

Here-- it's in my pocket.

I want you to curl
it, not burn it.

Charlie?

It's all right, it's all right.

I have very fine hair.

You gotta have hot tomake those curls curl good.

I wanna wear a hat, Charlie.

Somethin' burnin'.

[grunting]

It's all right.
It's all right.

It's all right.

Hey, this looks legal.

[inaudible], I bequeath tomy sister, Lottie Cragmore.

Oh, Thad, you won't believe it.

She's got a deed.

This is it-- look!

There's his signature.

That's as legal as you can get.

It's got a seal on it.

That thing's been sealed!

Hey, Lottie!

There's Lottie.

Let me take care of that.

She's gotta sober
up pretty soon.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Sober up.

Come on, let's sober here.

All right, let's
get your coat off.

What?

Oh, Lottie.

No wonder she's notsober-- it's full of booze.

Lottie.

Come on, give it here.
Give it here.

Lottie, give it here.

Let go of it, Lottie!

It's good for my health.

How does that work?

I need it for my health.

She's got it hidden everywhere.

Put her on the bed.

Come on.

Come on.

You keep it hidden
everywhere, don't you?

Let's get up, Lottie.Let's get the coat off of you.

-What're you doin'?-Let's get it off of you.

I don't want to
take my coat off.

She's got a [inaudible].

I'm cold.

I'm cold.

Here, Lottie, you hold stiff.

Get her dress.

Hold stiff.

Put my dress on.

No, I know exactly
how to do this.

I know how to put my dress on.

Put your hands down, Lottie.

I know how to put
my own dress on.

Lottie, Lo-- Lottie--
put your hands down.

No, that's the arm.

Here.

Oh, here.

Oh, let's just put her in bed.

Come on.

Let's take a little rest.

Yeah.

Do you believe in Santa Claus?

Look at that
hair-- it's perfect.

And them pursed lips.

That leg, that's sexy--that's-- that's using your head.

Ah, I don't know, Charlie.

Do you really think
it's going to work?

What do you mean,
is it going to work?

We're going to have customersclawing the door down.

I mean, that's a
swell-looking dame.

The trouble with you
is you got no faith.

Ah, I don't know who you'regoing to get to come up here.

Well, there's going to
be a lot of customers.

All we have to do is go downthe street and find 'em.

I hope it works.

Prettier if I had a drink.

Lottie, you keep covered up.

You'll catch a cold.

Ah.

Ho, ho, ho.

Hello, Santa Claus.

-Now, look at that.
-Heh, heh.

She looks good.

Soft.

Yeah.

Now she looks good.

You wanna know what I wantfor Christmas, Santy Claus?

I want a great, big doll.

A great, big doll that I can hugand I can put to bed at night.

It could sleep with me.

Right this way, sir.

Best investment you ever made.

Listen, Charlie.

That's the police--

Off-duty.

Here.

Let me get the door.

Told you this is gonna work.

Hi.

[thump]

[music playing]

I told you we should
get rid of her, Charlie.

[sighs]

What do you mean,
get rid of her?

That's the key to our future!

She's got the deed, come on.

GUEST: Oh, she'll
love it. [inaudible].

Thank you.

Is the toast still hot?

[inaudible].

How's Lottie
doing this morning?

Well, not so
good, to be honest.

But she's the
key to the future?

Yeah.

Do you speak English?

Hm?

GUEST: OK, I'll put
[inaudible] cup..

Thanks, Mr. Dyson.

Oh, thanks.

[speaking german]

Hey, Penny.

You know, we're engaging in anew business-- a roadhouse, out

in the country.

And, um, um-- we
need a little help.

We'd like to talk
to you about it.

We got the deed
to Sadie's Rest.

It's all legal.

Hey, you know,
Penny's a swell dame.

If I was to get married, I'dwant a dame just like her.

You should have kept
your job, Charlie.

What's the matter with her?

Nothin'.

Dames, huh?

GUEST: [non-english speech]

GUEST: [non-english speech]

What kind of help?

[clears throat]

You see, we need some-- can'thave a roadhouse without dames.

Do you know any?

Yeah, I know one.

Melissa.

[WHISPERING] We'll get her.

I can't get Lottie up.

She's still drunk.

We ain't got no way to
get to Sadie's Rest.

We ain't got no car.

We'll steal one.

[motor running]

CLAY: [INSIDE BUILDING]
Just laws and liberty!

Absolute upholding
of the Constitution

of the United States of America.

Free public schools!

Free speech!

[marching band music]

CLAY: Free [inaudible]!

And law!

And order!

Charlie, this is our first car.

Don't look too good to me--look at the upholstery there.

No, you're right.

Come on.

CLAY: Striving for
the highest ideals

of the native-born, white,Gentile American citizen!

What're you doin'
here? [WHISPERING]

You're my bodyguard!

You gotta watch my back!

-I wanted to go with you---Shh!

Shh!Now, you go watch my back.

Thad!

Psst!

Keep watching!

I know my job.

I'm a bodyguard.

[squeaking]

What?

Come here, quick.

Yeah, Charlie?

Do you prefer a green
Chevy or a black Ford?

That looks like the car thatwas in the picture with Capone.

You're right-- let's take it.

[engine firing]

[shouting]

Get the guns!

Get the guns!

Ah!

My name!

You spelled my name wrong!

[music playing]

Hey, you know this
road pretty good, huh?

Never been on it before.

Oh, no?

Now, watch this, Charlie--you won't make this!

Hey, it's a good car!

Runs good!

[shots firing]

Charlie, they're
shootin' at us!

Duck!

[shots firing]

Hey, I think we lost 'em.

I think we lost 'em!

Now, listen-- I want you totake the car to Gilly's and get

it disguised, OK?

How you want I should do it?

Well, I don't know.

You just disguise it.

Thad, I'm going over to thataddress Penny gave us and get

us our first real
woman-- you know,

that's where the huge money is.

Is-- is that like white slaves?

No, color don't matter!

We need some dames.

[music playing]

I'm lookin' for Red Hot Mama.

Who isn't?

Sit down.

Over there.

Still off-duty, officer?

Of course.

Excuse me.

Next.

So I'm just-- I'm sorry-- howmuch do-- do they charge here?

Oh, I don't know.

Next.

Me?

Well, he's ahead of me, ma'am.

He's waiting for me.

$4.50.

Ma'am, I-- I just
want to talk to her--

it's just a business deal.

I don't care what
you want to do.

It's $4.50.

That's a $5 bill.

Change?

I'll get it on the way out.

[SINGING] [inaudible] memory.

[inaudible]

You sure don't talk much.

[music playing]

You know, I could be prettyburnt at you, Winowski.

What're you mad at me for?

The car.

What about the car?

Why do we have to get up
so early in the morning?

I told you to get it disguised!

I put new license plates on it!

You call that a disguise?

Where's the dames
you went after?

Can we leave tonight?

Come on Lottie, come here.

It's too early.

Well, no, you can't just
leave the car sittin'

around in front like that.

The Klan's gonna get-- come on.

You got the deed to
Sadie's Rest, right?

Yeah, I got the deed.

I got it right here, why?

Come on, Lottie.

It gives us a roadhouse, see?

And you can't organize
an organization

without a roadhouse, only we'llcall our organization a a gang!

I wanna get back.

He's drivin' the car, Lottie!

Listen, we're sorry aboutyour sister Sadie, but--

[inaudible].

Uh-- don't breathe
on me, Lottie.

Oh.

Lottie.

She's gonna handle the dolls.

She's gonna--

LOTTIE: [SOBBING]
She left me the deed.

THAD: Oh, don't
start crying, Lottie.

Lottie, don't cry!

LOTTIE: [sobbing]

[harmonica playing]

THAD: Flag pole sitter.

Uh, pardon me, sir-- butwhat's he doin' up there?

Flag pole sitter.

FLAG POLE SITTER: That's
my personal manager.

You're his personal
manager, huh?

My name's Charlie Jacobs.

This is my, uh, personal
bodyguard, Thad.

Tell me somethin'-- uh, isthere any money in this, uh,

flag pole sitting?

We've been hangin' on.

Yeah, well, uh-- businessdon't look too good to me.

Well, the boy's been
up there three weeks.

One more week, and we'regonna be regional champion.

Three weeks!

See that class?

Takes a lot of guts.

[clears throat]

Um, listen, we're puttin'together a secret gang.

I mean, it's all hand-picked.

You want to join?

We got dames.

You got dames?

We got dames.

You got dames?

Come on down, boy!

We got ourselves a new job!

[music playing]

THAD: Hey, we got a
couple of guys, Charlie.

We're started, eh?

[interposing voices]

Charlie, there's a ladyfalling down in something.

Leave the lady alone.

Nothing wrong with
Lottie, she's all right.

CHARLIE: You know, we're
gonna have the biggest

gang in southern Illinois.

First thing we gotta do isget rid of the Ku Klux Klan.

Looky there-- what's that?

CHARLIE: Hey, I know that guy.

LOTTIE: Hey, I
know that guy, too.

CHARLIE: Oh, Lottie, I did--I tried to promote him.

That's that
Westinghouse-- the guy

with the phony English accent.

Chin up, my dear!

These might be the judges!

Good morning!

My name's Claude!

Claude Westinghouse,
inventor by trade.

These are the hands of futures!

Pick one!

There ain't anything
I don't know about!

Well, listen, what
are you doing out here?

We're trying to establish along-distance tango record!

We're in the semi-finals!

But I thought you said
you was an inventor?

In case you haven't noticed it,my friend, these are bad times.

And a man's got
to eat, don't he?

[heavy breathing]

Last time I came
down this road, I

was with a Shakespeare company!

I'm afraid Billy's going fast.

Would anyone here like tojoin me for the next 100 miles

or so?

No, but would you
like to join our gang?

Join a gang?

Any money it it?

Yeah.

A lot of girls, too.

It's getting
harder all the time

to find girls with any stamina.

Got weak ankles.

Nice cans.

This is the fifth one
that's give out on me.

[heavy breathing]

[thud]

I'm with you, friends!

Hey, uh, what
about your partner?

Don't worry about her--the truck will pick her up!

Oh.

Billy, you were
one of the best.

So long, bright angel!

[music playing]

[group chatter]

Come on, Lottie.

[WHISPERING] Check the
address on the deed.

Hey, Thad, that's the
deed for Sadie's Rest.

This is Sadie's Rest.

You sure?

Right there on the deed.

Isn't it beautiful?

Where's the piano?

There should be a
piano right over there.

[sighing]

I like it.

I like it.

You know what we've got
to do here, don't ya?

We have just got to
s-- screw our courage

to the sticking post!

I mean, actually,
you see, this--

this is an incredible
idea, because nobody

would ever live here, see?

I like it.

Well, let me put
it another way.

You see, things are not
always what they seem.

You see, now on the outside,we have an appearance of one

thing, but once we move inhere, it's quite another thing

entirely, you see?

It's--

You mean like a disguise, huh?

Like a disguise. [chuckling]

That's what we had in
mind the whole time.

That's good thinking, Charles.

I gotta tell you
about my dream--

the swellest, biggest
roadhouse in southern

Illinois. [inaudible].

[music playing]

[music playing]

[snoring]

[coughing]

Could you hold the noise
down a little, fellas?

I have a terrible headache.

You're right.

I kinda like this place.

Well, I don't anymore.

Well, wait a
minute, youse guys.

There ain't nothing wrongwith this place a little water

and salt won't cure.

I'll tell you
something, gentlemen.

There's one little thing thatI believe we're all overlooking

here, and that is the factthat a renovation of-- of this

size-- it-- it would just takean awful lot of greenbacks.

A lot of money.

Yeah.

You know, I've been-- I'vebeen laying here all night.

I've been thinking up an idea.

We're gonna rob the bank.

Rob a bank?

Yup.

Have you robbed a
bank before, Charles?

Well, I tell you, not
exactly, but I figure

with all the
brainpower around here,

we're bound to come up
with something good.

[laughing] I-- you-- I
really like this idea.

I think it's really a goodone, you know, Charlie?

I mean, first we've
got to case the bank,

and then we rob it, see?

In that-- in that order.

[music playing]

Gentlemen, success is ours.

Now, number one, for
the toll disguise,

I believe that you and
Thad should wear suits.

Yuki doesn't have a suit,so he can wait outside.

The rest of us will
look all business.

Now, Yuki, put the
guns in the car.

We don't want to carry
them on our person.

You will park the car
on a 30 degree angle.

Now, the doors fly open.

Jump out of the car.

Run to the bank
door, slam it open,

run inside at a fast pace,and, uh-- stick 'em up!

Stick 'em up!

--[inaudible] rob thatbank somewhere else, man,

because you've got
the wrong guys.

Uh, Mr. Babcock-- you betterget out here, because some thugs

want to see you!

Mr. Babcock!

It's best you come on out!

Good morning.

Good morning.

May I help you?

This is a stick-up.

Now give us all your money,and we'll be on our way.

I'm very sorry, butunfortunately, as you can see,

we are redecorating, and wejust don't have any money here.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're-- you're a bank,
you gotta have money.

Huh, well, we sent all ourmoney to our main office

in Harpersville.

Maybe I can call and
set up an appointment.

Would you like it in big bills?

No big bills-- they're
too easily identified.

You know, we can't
take big bills.

They're too easy to identify.

Well, well-- why don't
you stop back Monday?

We'll be open for
business, and there'll

be plenty of money available.

Mr. Babcock, you
don't understand-- this

is a precision plan.

We're going to rob this
bank today, right now.

See if you can't
find some money.

Well, I don't--
I'm sorry, but-- why

don't I look in the back
and see what I can find?

Why don't you do that?

Yes, I will.

Yeah.

Why don't you
come help me look?

That's more like it.

Now, why don't you look overhere, and I look over here.

Man, sometimes-- Um--

Hm?

Mr. Babcock, hold that.

Oh, certainly.

What are you mixin' up there?

What is that?

A little wheat,
put that on walls.

What the-- what's
wrong with his eyes?

Well, he just paints the trim.

Well, can he-- can
he paint straight?

Sure, sure.

I'm awfully sorry
about this, uh--

Well, that's all right.

I-- I-- I'm really very,very embarrassed about it.

Do somethin' about
your eyes there.

There's something
wrong with you.

-I-- I think I found something.-What?

What is that?

Oh ho, yes.

This is Mr. Farrell's
personal box.

I-- I don't have a key,though, but, uh, you shouldn't

have any trouble opening it.

By the way, what was the
name of that other bank?

It's Harpersville,
on 3rd and Main.

You can't miss it, it'sright in the center of town.

All right, thanks.

MR. BABCOCK: Drive careful, now!

[interposing voices]

Look at that.

[whistling]

According to my calculations,there must be at least $5,000

in there!

What happened to
all the fancy duds?

Well, you gotta save
the good clothes.

What did you want
to see me for?

Charlie Jacobs always
keeps his word, Harv.

There's your cut.

[phone ringing]

First one-- go on, count it.

Hey, where'd you get all that?

Phone's ringing.

It's a business deal.

Go on, count it.

Twenties, fifties.

Hoo!

Hello, Harve Koontz speaking.

CLAY [OVER PHONE]: [inaudible],this is Clay Farrell.

Who?

CLAY [OVER PHONE]: Clay Farrell.

It's Clay Farrell.

CLAY [OVER PHONE]: Sheriff?

Uh--

CLAY [OVER PHONE]: Listen to me!

What can I do for you
today, Mr. Farrell?

Do you know about thatJew opening up a roadhouse

out on the turnpike?

Jew?

I'm talking about
Charlie Jacobs!

He's got a whole army
of gangsters out there.

I understand Al Capone sent him!

Well, uh, well, uh, y-- youand your men are all deputized.

Why don't you just pay hima-- a friendly visit, like you

do all the rest of folks?

You listen to me, sheriff!

We've got to have lawand order in this county!

My bank's been robbed!

Your ba-- your
bank's been robbed?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear
that, Mr. Farrell.

CLAY [OVER PHONE]: Theytook my safe deposit box!

And if you don't do
something about it,

I'm going to have
your badge impeached!

Well, I'll do what I can,Mr. Farrell, I promise you.

He gonna have my badge for this.

[laughing]

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo-eee!

Hey, what're we gonna do?

What do you mean,
what're we gonna do?

I'm organizin' the biggestgang in southern Illinois,

and there ain't nothin' thatFranklin County law or the Ku

Klux Klan can do about it.

We're goin' straight tothe top, Harv-- you and me!

[laughing]

Hey, Yuki Snooky!

Come here, I need ya!

Where do you want this?

Ah, you're a pal,
Yuki. [chuckling]

Put it right over there.

I'm gonna paint
some flowers on it.

It'll be beautiful.

[chuckling]

Oh, how's the
acts comin' along?

Well, I lost the glass-eater--got si-- got sick on me.

But I found a new
act-- a balloon-blower.

A balloon-blower?

Well, he makes animals,you see, with the balloons.

And for $50, the man willput out a kangaroo, giraffe,

platypus, octopus,
anteater, platypus,

and a camel-- two humps.

Charlie, $50-- that's a lot--

Wait a minute.

[interposing voices]

Ferret.

Somethin' that's
unusual, you know?

Try $20.

There was one more-- amonkey, I think, he did, too.

We'll go $20 plus his expense--Full rood-- room and board, OK?

For $20, he just does a duck.

Bad duck-- he
doesn't do it good.

-Hey, [inaudible]!
-I'll look at it later.

-Look, George!
-Charles, Charles!

Can I see you a minute?

All right. we'll go the $30.

Sure.
I'll get 'em all.

CLAUDE: Charles?

[inaudible].

Charles, I got a lot biggerproblems than a balloon.

Listen, I don't know what to do.

It keeps following me around.

Who?

All my ex-girlfriends.

Billy's outside.

What should I do with her?

Billy?

Billy, uh.

Remember my last
dancing partner--

I left her on the road?

What-- what are you gonnabe able to do with her?

Oh, yeah.

You mean the one with thenice, um, calves, yeah?

You mean they keep followingyou around, these women?

I don't know what
it is-- some sort

of an-- animal
magnetism or something,

but they-- they
keep following me.

Listen, I got an idea.

Yeah?

So one department we'reshort in is dames, right?

And if they keep
following you around,

we're not going to be short inthat department anymore, huh?

I'd put 'em up in the
shacks out behind there.

-That's right.
-Huh?

That's good thinking, Charles.

LOTTIE: [inaudible]
up and down, please.

I wonder if they had octopus.

Shh!

[marching band music]

Had to be peacock.

Hey, listen to the music!

I'm listenin'.

Pig!

That's the one-- it's the pig.

Hey, that's that
orchestra that's

been playin' all over town.

Pig.

That's the Klan.

[music playing]

Put this--

You got it.

Now listen, I'm gonna
go out and talk to 'em.

You have 12 and 1/2hours to get out of here!

This will be poetic
justice, Charles.

We'll drop his safety
deposit box on him.

This'll a historic
fight, Charles.

You sure you know
how to fly this?

Huh?

Who do you think ruddy
invented the airplane?

I was just a boy of 12 whenI hung around those brothers

in their bicycle shop.

They picked my brain.

I'm sorry.

Shame how people
take advantage of--

I can fly anything
that's stick driven.

What do we do?

Let's-- let's get in.

Let's go.

You remember this?

The bomb!

Give me it!

The propeller--
will you whirl it?

Which way?

We'll tell you, we'll tell you.

Get in.

Boy, this is sure sleek.

Yeah.

Hey, Thad, how do I look, huh?

You look great, Charlie.

Hey, Claude, are you sure youknow how to run this thing?

I'm going to tell you
one more time, Charles--

I can fly the bloomin' thing!

Aw, Claude, gimme me your hand.

I got confidence in you.

Thank you, Charles.

What's this thing here?

What?
Where?

Between my legs.

That's the stick.

That's what we fly it with!

Now, Thad, when I give youthe word, you whirl it.

THAD: You mean whirl this?

Whirl that!

Hey, Thad, we're going toget that Farrell this time.

THAD: OK, Charlie.

CLAUDE: Whirl it!

Don't you know how to start it?

How come it don't run?

I'll get it in a moment.

Just don't worry about it.

All right, I got it now.

Whirl it!

That's it!

That's it!

[music playing]

Sit down, will you?

Over there!

I'm going!

Christ was nailed to thecross because there was no law

and order to protect him.

We need you new brothers--

I give you theinstrument of future war!

[laughter]

You've done it, Charles!

I know who you
are, you criminal!

You kike!

Come back here!

Pick it up!

All right, sheriff.

On your feet.

Oh, hello, Farrell.

Happy Halloween.

I want him arrested.

You want who arrested?

Charlie Jacobs!

Oh.

Well, uh, if you want tofile a formal complaint--

I want him arrested!

OK.

Then I'll have to get
the complaint forms.

Have to get that fixed.

Ah.

You want to file a complaint.

Against who?

The Jew!

The Jew?

Charlie Jacobs, a Jew?

These are all
Catholic files here.

I'll be right with ya.

What's the matter with you?

I have evidence!

Keep your mustache
on, Mr. Farrell.

Yeah, here they are.

Attempted murder!

OK.

Let's see, now.

Hey, hey, go easy.

Is that-- what is that?

He tried to bomb me.

Uh-- do you have any witnesses?

Yes!

Lonny Yorgoslovski.

Tom Smith.

Smith-- how do you spell that?

FARRELL: Spell your name!

S, uh, M-I-T-H.

Hi, Tom.

Didn't recognize you.

Uh, just a minute.

Uh, anymore witnesses?

Me!

Charlie Jacobs dropped bomb.

Where'd he drop it from?

The sky.

Sky.

Sky?

How did he get up there?

A plane!

Oh.

Dropped bomb from plane.

What color was the
plane, Mr. Farrell?

I don't know.

How many wings?

Two.

Two wings.

Was it a clear day?

It's all very clear to me know.

What's that, Mr. Farrell?

You're taking money fromthat Jew gangster, aren't you?

Me?

Well, you're not going
to get away with it.

I'm going to have
your badge impeached!

You have sold your sacredtrust for 30 pieces of silver

to a Jew!

Nobody's coming!

Everybody, into
the house, there.

Get in the house!

What are you doing in the barn?

Hold on.

Hold it right there.

Watch the lens.

Watch the lens.

We got 'em, Thad.

We got 'em.

Move 'em up to Charlie.

Take 'em over to Charlie.

Watch the lens.

All right, move out.

You're really a reporter?

Yeah.

Hi.

I'm Charlie Jacobs,
and this is--

this is Claude Westinghouse.

How do you do, sir?

This is Thad here, chauffeur.

That's his manager over there.

Listen---You want this somewhere else?

Can we help you?

I mean--

Yeah, we'd like to-- weheard about your organization.

We want-- I want to take
a picture of your car

there, with all
your mob in the car.

Get a--

I knew they'd hear
about Charlie Jacobs.

Over there.

Whatever you want--

-Watch out, stupid.
-Whatever you want.

Just go on, right over there.

Help him out, you guys.

Watch out.

Come on.

Put the hand in there.

Want to get you lined upthere, all your guys in the car,

there.

We shouldn't have left Charliealone with that reporter.

He looked a little, uh--

Charlie will be all right.

Keep an eye on him.

Get over here.

Yeah.

What are you looking for?

The light.

Light?

What light?

The light.

It has to be right.

Oh, yeah, I know about that.

I know about that.

You'd better do somethingabout the hole in the roof.

Well, I'll have the
gang look into it.

You must be kidding?

Huh?

You're gonna have the ganglook into the hole in the roof?

That's a joke, son.

Charles, this calls
for entertainment.

I'm going to get
the zinger boom.

If you'll excuse me, sir?

What's the zinger boom?

Well, that's somethingClaude's been working on.

It's, uh-- it's kind
of like a one man band.

The guy does everything.

I wanna show you around here.

I've got some good ideas.

Uh, wait a minute.

I want to talk to
my genius cameraman.

Don't forget to spread
the legs of the tripod.

It won't stand up otherwise.

What are you doing?

Don't you know
what you're doing?

Yes, you have to open the legs.

Doesn't stand when
they're closed.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Don't you have--
you know, the best

thing to make money is women.

Well, look, right over there,I'm gonna keep-- this one.

You're going to keep
women in those shacks?

Yeah.

Well, there's no plumbingin those shacks, is there?

You can't keep women
without plumbing.

Well, I'll have
Claude look into that.

Not look into it.

Take care of it.

Well, listen, you know, we--

That's the joke, son.

Look, you know,
I bribe the law,

and I pay off the politicians.

And, uh, we really get
things done around here.

We got the Ku Klux Klan onthe run, completely running.

Scared 'em out of town.

Ow!

Miss, miss?

Get the zinger boom.

The press is here!

This could mean a
million dollars to us.

A million dollars,
our first exposure!

[inaudible]

How do you feel?
Are you ready?

Oh, I'm ready.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Remember, we're
playing for the press.

Now, do good.

All right.

OK.

What is that?

This is called a zinger boom.

You zing it, and you boom it.

Spare me.

Go ahead, Al.

Give him a little set.

[awkward noise]

That happens to be a verydifficult instrument to play.

Is it?

I wish it were even possible.

Well, perhaps more bells.

Zinger boom?

Listen, this--

I don't know, Al.

You must have done
something wrong.

Here, why don't we practice?

I'll conduct you.

All right.

Start with the sticks.

Sticks.

Cymbal, bell, bell.

Drum, drum, bell.

Cymbal.

Drum.

Bell.

Copper, copper, copper.

Sticks.

Cymbal!

Bell!

Bell!

The man who doesn't enjoythat has no ear for music.

What are you doing under there?

Focusing.

Yeah?

You know about focusing?

Yeah, I know about focusing.

This organizations
is like Al Capone's.

You see, I'm in constant touchwith Capone all the time.

Gonna have our liquor
stored right up here.

Nobody will recognize it.

You know Al Capone?

Oh, yeah.

I'm in touch with
him all the time.

Well, he's never
mentioned your name.

Do you know Al Capone?

Yeah, sure.

Known him since he was a kid.

Hey, did you ever
interview him?

No.

I wouldn't-- I wouldn't takeadvantage of a friendship

to be-- profession,
or-- besides, there's no

purpose in an interview.

He always says, don't quote me.

Well, there's no
sense interviewing

a man who says, don't quote me.

He says, don't quote me?

Yeah.

Don't quote me.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

No plumbing.

Yeah, well, Claude
will take care of that.

Hey, what does it mean whenhe says, don't quote me?

It means, don't say-- don'trepeat what he says to you.

Hey, Charlie?

Charlie?

Your minion summons you.

The photographer
down there says--

He's going to get away.

What do you want?

Listen to me.

He said he was gonna
take our picture.

And these don't look too good.

I'm gonna put 'em on, theclothes look like a swell, huh?

Come on, Charlie.

Oh, yeah-- uh, excuse me.

Don't quote me on this, but--

Oh, you're another ofthose no quote men, right?

Capone, huh?

No, no.

I mean, we can
still talk together.

Thank you, your majesty.

Look-- I think he's drunk.

He's pretty loaded, Charlie.

Gotta have that hole removed.

Look, if you just
wait for us out here,

we're gonna change
clothes, all right?

Oh.

For the picture.

For [inaudible]?

Come on, Thad.

Hey, what's with the damewith the bottle, there?

How about a little--
a cup of the cheer?

On the-- whatcha got
there, sweetie pie?

Liquor.

What kinda liquor?

Look.

Brandy!

The drink of the heroes.

Only a hero can drink it.

You can hold the cork.

You can even smell it.

To our health, my
sweet little thing.

I know that guy.

That's Fritz Frugal.

He used to be with the Daily--

He is.

We're gonna have
our pictures taken.

I'm gonna thunder his clap.

What are you doing?

Sit down.

I know him.

He's no good.

That's the key to our future.

We're going to have our
names in the headlines.

Charlie, listen to me.

You can't go around
shooting reporters.

Listen to Artie.

He's no good, Charlie.

I know him.

He's the one that's
gonna put us up.

How do I look?

You look great.

Listen, I want you to
babysit with her, OK?

I'll save the rest
for future reference.

You can keep it warm.

Now, let me see.

I've got a lot of notes
there, and the trouble

is I can't read my own--
it's in Italian proper.

[non-english], which means hewho cannot read his own writing

is an ass by nature, and
that is I. I can't read

a thing I've written here.

That's-- that's what
comes of peripatating--

peripatetic penmanship.

[laughter]

Come on.

Come on.

It's clear, Charlie.

Come on.

Don't look so afraid, Charlie.

Just like [inaudible].

Hey, wait a minute.

Just a minute, here.

Aw, that's better, Charlie.

You guys are
professional gunmen?

No, no.

You got it backwards.

Clay Farrell's a
professional gunman.

My boys and me-- hell,we're just simple farmers.

You know, country boys?

Like Claude over
there, the inventor.

He makes anything.

Thad and I used
to suck coal dust.

Now you've got an organization.

Oh, we ain't got
no organization.

We got a real gang.

Just like Al Capone.

Capone?

What he does is illegal.

It's against the law.

Well, I mean, just becausewe run a little booze

and some dames once
in a while, I mean,

that doesn't matter anymore.

I mean, uh, you
know, my daddy drank.

I bet yours did, too.

What's, uh-- what's the
purpose of your gang?

I mean, what are you
guys aiming to do?

You want to know what
we're aiming to do?

Well, I'll tell you
what we're aiming to do.

We're aiming to get rid
of the Klu Klux Klan,

and make Harper County aplace to have a lot of fun.

Charlie Jacobs,
that's me, and my boys

are what you might call, uh,the protectors of the county.

Right, boys?

That's right, Charlie.

That's right.

What do you call your gang?

Has it got a name?

We ain't thought
of that, Charlie.

Yeah, he's right.

We ain't got no name.We ain't got-- hold the picture.

We ain't gonna take no pictures
till we think of a name.

Come on, boys.

Think of a name.

Come on, think!

Charles?

See how you like this.

Charleston Charlie's Plan.

You like that?

I like that, Charlie.

Inventor, you done it again.

Boys, inventor done
invented a name!

[cheering]

Come on, everybody smile.

Yeah, to the guy with the weirdthing in his hands-- sit down.

Now, everyone smile.

Say cheese.

Cheese!

Hey!

Charlie, if I don't
lock ya up, Farrell

will go to the district judge,and they'll have my badge.

Where's that gonna leave you?

I'll tell ya something,Harv-- if they take your badge,

we're gonna take their
hoods, all right?

That's a good idea, Charlie.

Look, spend a few
nights in jail,

just to make it look good.

Then I'll let you ride
out again, all right?

Come on, Harv.
That's ridiculous.

We're getting ready
to open this place up.

It's gonna be the biggestroadhouse since [inaudible].

I don't have time to
spend any time in jail.

I'll tell ya what--
now, our boy Farrell,

he ain't gonna like
this-- if you can

bring the whole gang down, OK?

I'll lock the whole gang up, youcan bring your own furniture.

We'll get some booze.

Hilda's away, and I'lllock myself up with ya, OK?

It's not so bad, Charlie.

I've been there before.

It's not a bad place at all.

You've spent time in a--

Hey.

It's not a bad place.

Boys, this is theyoungest Polanski brother.

What's your first name, sir?

My friends call me Violin.

And I've read about this
gang in the newspaper.

Which one is Charlie?

That's me.

These are some of my clippings.

That's a gangster, sheriff.

Do you see that?

That's the real class.

That's what
headlines get for ya.

Things got a little hot for me,and I figured you guys needed

a professional down here.

So I took a tour to come
down here to cool off.

You play the fiddle, do you?

Mostly at funerals.

I'd like to explain some ofthese implements of my tour.

This is a persuader.

This a convincer.

Pick.

All purpose.

Stiletto.

Knife to you.

Gat.

Obsolete.

Now, gentlemen, bear
with me a moment,

and I'll explain this to you.

When you're moving
in on your victim

and he's in a seated position,upright, with his head

approximately at thislevel, you slip in quietly

behind him, and-- flat.

Harv, how-- how many
days do you say--

Gasoline.

Three days.

-Very simple.
-Let's go.

Hey.

Hey.

What's going on here?

Small time guys, all the same.

I should never
have left Chicago.

I was born to barter.

No class, no money.

Nothing.

Stinks.

[shouting]

You should be here, Charlie.

Don't worry.

How about these lights, Harv?

You put these lights in?

Oh, look at-- look at
the condition here.

How can I--

We gotta have those
signs that say--

Look, I don't even know whereI'm gonna do the tango yet.

It's the whole
stinkin' bunch of 'em.

The signs'll be ready--

Mm, the gangstering don't pay.

I knowed it.

I told 'em.

I coulda told 'em
that it wouldn't pay.

Bobby!

Hey, boy!

Here!

Over here!

Charlie, move your foot.

Charlie!
-Got it!

Move your foot.

I can't.

Get in there.

Get the spread out.

That goes on the floor.

I can't promote
anything back here.

All right, sit up.

Some of my own stuff, Charlie.

I'll give ya a sample.

Where do I move?

Ah-- move that one over there.

All right.

He's the captain.

He's on my payroll, too.

Come in, captain,
and have a drink.

Arrest him!

What are you doing here?

I've decided you're not
conducting law and order

with enough vigilance,
so I got a court

order removing you from office.

What did I do?

Arrest him!

Get him outta here.

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, I thought
you were number three.

Don't worry--

My good friend, Mr. Farrell.

I'm not a third-rate cop!

Get 'em outta here.

Get 'em all out.

They're all under arrest.

Here's a bill of--

[shouting]

Here's a bill of particulars!

From the county, prosecuting--indicting you for

the following illegal charges.

Extortion, illegal
possession of whiskey,

illegal white slavery, illegalpossession of submachine gun,

illegal bank--

-Shut up, and get out of here!-Don't touch me!

Get outta here!
I'm the boss!

Get out!

Get him out!
Get him!

Get him out!
Out!

Out!

You know, Harv, I've,uh-- I've been laying here,

uh, formulating a plan
on, uh-- what Al Capone

calls a writ of habeas corpus.

Habeas corpus?

Hm.

How long does it take thathabeas corpus to take affect?

I don't know.

I've never used one.

Ask Al Capone.

[cheering]

I want every man, woman, andchild to join me in a march,

so that the foreign
elements in this town

can see that we mean business!

[cheering]

[music playing]

Hey, Joe, your fiance is here.

Do you want to see her?

Well, do you want
to see her, Joe?

Huh?

Who?

Your fiance.

Hi, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Hi, fiance.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Hey, what do you--
what do you got, there?

Just a sandwich.

Oh, well, give 'em to me,because I want to make sure you

didn't conceal any weapons.

Now go ahead, and I'mwatching-- I'm watching ya.

Hi, fiance.

Hi.

There's so many things happeningat the boarding house I-- I

just wanted to tell you about.

What are you doing here?

I just want to
tell you about it.

Hey, no visitors.

I'm sorry, captain.

It won't happen again.

Sorry, sir.

What do you mean,
they're meeting now?

Meeting now.

Do you remember Amy?

Amy got married.

You know?

She left and got married.

I don't know--

Wouldn't you like one?

Here.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

It's nothing to laugh at.

They're coming to lynch you.

I didn't do nothing--

You did everything!

Now shut up, there.

Hey, didn't I tell
you not to whisper?

Now come on!

Let's go.

Visiting hours are over.
Get out!

Let's go.
Come on.

Out!
-This afternoon.

Any minute, Charlie.

Any minute!

Hey, let go of her!

That's my fiance!

[music playing]

Come on, all the way in here.

See, Harv?

I told ya.

I told ya.

[laughter]

Hey, Charlie--

Come on, come on.

Put him in the jail, Charlie.

That's it.

Lock him up.

Come on, we gotta
get the sheriff out.

OK, Harv.

Get ya out, here.

You coming with us?

No, I gotta stick
around, Charlie.

All right.
We'll write ya.

-OK.-Give me the keys, Charlie.

Get me something
to eat, will ya?

Come on, Jennings.

Let's get back to work.

We've sure got a lot
of cleaning to do.

Cleaing--

I'm hungry.

That was my cousin's wife.

Yeah, Charlie, let's go.

Get that Jew!

[shouting]

After them, you fools!

Charlie, Charlie, what
are we gonna do now?

Mobile roadhouses.

Tell 'em, Claude.

That's right.

They don't get it, Charles.

Houses on wheels.

They'd come right out ofthe walls, and everything.

That's right.

We move 'em in and out fast,before the police and the Klan

has a chance to catch us.

We're going to have womenupstairs, gambling downstairs.

We're going to be
bigger than Al Capone.

[music playing]