Bad Channels (1992) - full transcript

An alien lands in a small town and promptly takes over the local radio station. The disk jockey, Dan O' Dare, well known for his publicity stunts, becomes a hostage. The alien uses the radio station and Dan's amused audience to target and subsequently shrink women for his collection.

(soft music)

(upbeat rock music)

(ominous music)

(electrical hum)

(radio chatter)

- This is Willis up here at
the substations there seems

to be a problem here, it must
be that new radio station

kicking in.

I'm gonna check it out.

(electric sparks)

Holy shit.


(polka music)

- We're outside the modest
studios of radio station KDUL

just about the last place
you'd expect to find America's

most controversial rock
n' roll disc jockey

but he's here and this man hired him.

It all began when Vernon
L. Locknut, KDLU's owner

discovered that his tiny all
polka station was actually

authorized to broadcast
nationwide on a clear channel.

- That's right, Lisa, we
broadcast over 666 kilohertz

on the AM band, now
because to the superstition

about the number 666 we're the only 666

in the entire country.

- Thank you Vernon, and so this morning

with a new 50,000 watt
translator installed

and tested chief engineer
Corky Bradford threw the switch

and super station 66 was on the air.

Signing on with this
66 hour marathon shift,

rock radios most notorious
DJ Dangerous Dan O'Dare,

returns to the airwaves
after a six month suspension

by the FCC.

- Hmm, Lisa I've got my radio here tuned

to super station 66 and listen to this.

(polka music)

I thought Dan O'Dare was a rock n roller.

- Well, what you're listening to

is a typical Dan O'Dare stunt.

♫ Oh how the lady, just
loves to feed her boy ♫.

- Look folks come on, you're in polka hell

and I'm in polka hell

but I'm not changing this record

until someone guesses the right number,

so please ladies and
gentlemen pick up your phone

and let's get some rock n roll going here.

Somebody please, this stuff is killing me.

- [Phone Voice] Dan
try eight to the right,

two to the left, 14 to the right.

- Alright 14, no, no, no, no, no,

come on people, Lisa
what's her face is here

for my big interview and
the way these chains are

wrapped between my legs is
making her microphone throb.

- [Phone Voice] Hi Dan, seven
right, 25 left, 30 right.

- No,

no, it doesn't work.

People I'm trying to give away

a sukiyama off road
convertible for 20 hours

I've been chained to the wall.

Just three numbers is all
I need, just three numbers,

somebody give me three numbers.

- [Phone Voice] Chained, huh?

Not a bad gimmick, Dan O'Dare
welcome to day and night

with Flip Humble.

- Thanks Flip, welcome to polka hell.

- What happens if no one
guesses the combination.

- I'll die in these chains
before I take them off.

And this,

polka record, will keep
playing until the bitter end.

But don't worry Flip,

I'm sure some moron out there'll get it.

- I'm gonna win that convertible.

- Peanut, if you don't turn
off that stupid polka music,

I'm gonna go bug-eyed crazy.

- Thanks darling.

(polka music)

- Damn, Grits, why don't
you get a hair cut!

- Hey good buddy this is Peanut over

at Peanut's truck stop open
24 hours just like you.

(high pitched feedback)

- Peanut what are you doing a commercial?

Turn down your radio.

Thank you, now give me a combination.

- 16 right, 4 left,

38 right.


- No, no sorry peanut,
we're still locked in here.

Look people I have time for
just a few more local calls.

- Dan your last job in radio
got you in a lot of trouble,

what on earth were you
thinking when you broadcast

that live sexual encounter
between yourself and KLSO's

drive time traffic reporter
police sergeant Paula Day?

- Like I told the FCC Flip,

it was an accident.

- A rear ender as I recall.

- Bumper to bumper, Flip.


I was doing a little
shoulder work on the sergeant

and she rolled over and
hit the on air switch

and the rest is radio history Flip.

Scuse me a minute Flip, I
better take a few more calls.

(poor band music)

- Bunny, your colleagues
are being very patient here,

practicing after hours to
help you get your part down,

the least you could do is give
us your undivided attention.

- Just a minute Mr. Baker
this is really important.

Hello Dan?

This is Bunny Bonner of
the Pahoota Panthers,

- You sounds like a real airhead Bunny,

can you give me three numbers Bunny?

- How about 36, 22, 34.

- You sound more interesting
than I thought there bunny.


But no, no sukiyama convertible
for you Bunny, sorry.

Flip give me three numbers.

- Me?

- Yeah you why not?

- Well for some reason the
numbers, a one and a two

and a three, come to mind.

- One, two, three,

(polka music plays)


I don't believe this.

- It opened?

- One, two, three, why didn't
anybody think of that before?

- You mean I win the car?

- Nature calls everybody, I'm
taking off the restraints now,


I'm no longer chained to the wall.

I can reach.

The old KDUL AM turntable
where the last polka recording

on earth has been playing non-stop

for 20 hours and 14 minutes.


Ladies and gentlemen, you'll
never hear another tuba horn

on this frequency again,
Cable world network star

Flip Humble did it.

The all polka format of KDUL AM is dead,

Dangerous Dan O'Dare is on the loose

and super station 66 is on the air!

Woo Hoo!

(rock music plays)

- Well, this turned out
to be a lucky interview

for you Flip?

- Yeah, pretty amazing, huh?

- Yes, but of course knowing you as I do,

you'll probably want to
donate that car to charity

to avoid any appearance of impropriety.

- Time to cut to the news Lisa.

In our late, late segment
tonight we're going to spend

a half hour with Dan O'Dare
as he continues his marathon.

Right now here's Katrinka Shinkalova

with world news update.

- The rush of UFO sightings
in California is due

to weather balloons according
to US Department of Defense.

(rock music)

- Great moment in TV history huh?

- You may think so Mr. Locknut,
but I am calling the head

of programming at CWN because
I think he needs to know

about this scam.

- Scam? What scam?

(knocks on window)

- Lisa, I'll be back in half
an hour with the burgers.

- Three cheeseburgers and a diet okay?

- Right got it.

- I knew there was an angle behind it

when I got this assignment,
this is the sleaziest piece

of reverse payola I've ever seen.

- Payola, what payola?

- Oh come on, you know
what I'm talking about.

- No I don't.

- Yes you do.

- No I don't.

- Yes you do.

- Hey, hey wait a minute.

- Keep that tuner at 66 baby,
the only place on the dial

where you'll hear.

- [Sound Box] The
Dangerous Dan O'Dare show.

- The only place where
we absolutely guarantee.

- [Sounds Box] You'll
never hear another polka

on this frequency.

- Now let's take a little
break ladies and gentlemen,

I gotta go see a man
about a dog, how about.

- [Sound Box] Six shits in
a row on super station 66.

- I assure you Miss Cummings
that is not the way we operate

here at KDUL AM.

- I assure you that that
is not the way it appears.

- Hey,

what's going on you guys?

- Well she was going to tell me to

- You bribed Flip Humble to
promote this stupid marathon

on CWN, you rigged the contest, ah!

- Lisa wait.

- Hey where you going?

- Lisa wait, Lisa,

come on listen.

- Look, nobody's going to be
shocked by anything you do

Mr. O'Dare, but I have my own
reputation, my own ethics,

I will not allow myself to be implicated

in this patently dishonest promotion.

- You think I wanted Flip to win that car?

The chains and polka schtick
was good for another 24 hours,

look, I've done some stupid things,

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life

and that's why I'm out here
in the middle of nowhere

but this is my one chance
to start over, you know,

I'm not going to blow that
for Flip Humble or anybody.

- Well if you and Flip
are up to something shady

at least it backfired on you.

- So the late, late interviews still on?

- Yeah,

but if I find out this contest was rigged

I'm going straight to the FCC.

- May lightning strike me if I'm lying.

- Look,

It's incredible.

- What?

- Come on, over there.

It was like spinning
colored lights coming down

right over you.


It's gone.

- What's gone?

- The UFO.


We just got buzzed by a UFO.

- No.

- I've got to go get my camera.

- Maybe it was some Air
Force deal or something?

- Oh yeah, Air Force from another planet!

Oh Jesus this is great,
a real story I'm right

in the middle of it, yes!


Yeah! Great!

- [Mr. Locknuts] Sheriff
Hickman what are you doing here?

Is there something wrong?

- Sheriff, Lisa Cummings CWN News Sheriff.

It's a UFO, I saw it with my own two eyes.

- Vernon, how do you like that?

We've got a UFO right here in Pahoota,

and I'm sure you have a witness for this.

- Right here.

- Sheriff this is my star
personality and he's got to get

back inside and on the air.

- And you saw this, UFO?


- No, not me,

- What?

You were standing right next to me.

- Well sorry I didn't see it.

- Yes he did.

- Now Miss Cummings, I hope
that you'll be as responsible

as this gentleman and won't
start spreading rumors

and creating a panic.

- As responsible as
bumper to bumper O'Dare?

- [Car Radio] Sheriff Hickman you read me?

We got some kind of
trouble out at Nut Creek.

- How could you say you didn't see it?

- Because I didn't.

Besides I don't believe in UFO's.

- [Car Radio] Weird lights out that way.

- Sounds like a lot of people
are seeing things tonight.

I'm by the sub station
now, I'll go check it out.

- Sheriff I know it sounds crazy

but I could take you to the spot.

- Why don't you just stay
here on this little spot

and you watch those
UFO's, I got work to do.


Oh and Vernon,

I'm going to be really
ticked of if I find out

this is just a publicity stunt.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Lisa, wait, what about
my 30 minute interview?

- I'm gonna miss the
biggest story in history

to do a puff piece on a DJ?

Maybe you can buy Flip
Humble with a car Dan,

but you can't buy me at any price?


- Okay, alright, so I promised Flip a car

to get on the program
but there's a reason.

- I knew it why, didn't you say so?

- There's a reason and I,
can I tell you the reason?

- Well please do.

- Because not for ratings, it was because

it was because he promised to send you

and I wanted to meet you.


- That is such a load of crap

and with everything I've
ever heard about you

I consider that an insult.

- Okay,

(breathes heavily)


who needs your stupid
cable network anyway.

I'm going to give you a lesson
in the power of radio lady.

By the time this is over,
you're gonna be begging me

for an interview.

(slams door)

- Would you hurry up?

Come on now, we've got a show to do.

Let's go.



(dog barks)

(heavy rock music)

(laser blast)

- Dan O'Dare back with you

in all new clear channel super station 66

and I got to tell you it
sure feels good to be out

of those chains but hey,
don't you miss that polka.


Let's take some calls on
our national phone lines,

you're on super station 66,

- [Phone Voice] Yeah, Dan
did that cable TV jerk

really win the car?

- What a coincidence, huh,
on live TV, right there

in front of everybody.

- [Phone Voice] Looked
a little bogus to me.

- Yeah, well, sometimes truth
is stranger than fiction.

Were you calling from?

- [Phone Voice] Marshall, Texas
what time's that interview

on CWN tonight Dan?

I want Flip to make me believe
that deal wasn't rigged.

- Another conspiracy theorist,

did Flip Humble win
that car fair and square

or was Flip Humble the second
gun man in the grassy knoll?

Did Flip Humble sabotage
Buddy Holly's plane?

Well ladies and gentlemen
I'm sorry to tell you

that that live 30 minute
interview on the late late segment

of Flip Humble's show has
suddenly been pre-empted.

Miss Cummings simply decided that she had

some late breaking news to cover

and cancelled the interview and wait,

til you hear what the breaking news is.

She saw a UFO.

(gong chimes)

- Yoo hoo Lisa, Lisa
Cummings, if you listening

to the Dan O'Chan show
I want to remind you

of ancient Chinese proverb,
woman who chase after

after little gleen men, have to settle

for little gleen pecker.



- God, that was funny,

that was funny Dan O'Dare.

- I could, I could, I couldn't. (pants)

I couldn't tell what it
was, it was so bright.

- Willis it's me Sheriff Hickson?

- Don't let them take me away!

- Tell me what happened.


- I was so frightened I couldn't see,

all I saw was this light, I was ba,

- Oh my god what happened?

- Something or someone assaulted Willis.

- It poked me with some
kind of rod or something,

it was weird, lights, noise,

flying saucer.

- Miss Cummings will you
get that camera out of here?

- I'm sorry Sheriff the
public has a right to hear

this story.

- Well, the public will just have to wait

until after my investigation.


- Alright but don't
forget, I saw this too.

I'm not just an outsider
here, sheriff I saw it too.

- Willis, when all this happened,

before you went unconscious,

did this person or thing,
or whatever it was,

did he bang you on the head?

- It didn't bang me on
the head I told you,

it poked me with some
kind of rod or something

right here in my chest.


- Where's that guys with my burgers?


My cheeseburgers.

Where's my diet?

- You cannot do this Dan,
it is not a good idea

to pick a fight with Flip
Humble and the whole gosh darn

cable world network.

- Flip Schmip, are you kidding me?

Look at these phone lines.

I could build the rest of
the marathon around it.

Want some?

- I'm going out for a few hours.

Do me a favor and make sure
that he doesn't say anything

that puts me into a lawsuit.

- Hey, I'm an engineer, not an attorney.

- I got three cheeseburgers
here with lettuce and tomatoes,

you want one?

- No, lettuce and tomato
are far too healthy.

I'm all set.

- Great, I'll take care of them.

(ominous music)

- [Dan] Be careful America,

you're listening to Dangerous Dan O'Dare

on super station 66.

- Dan?

This is Peanut again, uh
listen this might sound

a little kooky but there's two truckers

in here that swear they
saw a flying saucer

circling over Pahoota tonight.

- The entire populous of
Pahoota is out there tonight

ladies and gentlemen.

We got truckers seeing UFO's.

(canned laughter)

Bunny's boyfriend the
entire Pahoota football team

saw a UFO.

(canned laughter)

And CWN's puff piece
correspondent the distinguished

Lisa Cummings, she's out
there with his royal majesty,

Sheriff Earl Hickman,
they've not only seen a UFO

why there chasing one.

(canned laughter)

But it doesn't surprise me
Corky, because I always knew

that the first place that
visitors from another planet

would want to hit when they
finally go to earth would be,

♫ Pahoota ♫

Home of,

- [Radio Voice] Super station 66.

(eerie music)

What the hell's going on?

- I don't know maybe it's
an earth quake or something?

Holy shit!

(equipment sparks and explodes)

Don't panic I'll fix it.

- We're on the air.

- Ladies and gentlemen we're experiencing

some technical difficulties,
please stand by.


- Okay, I got it, I got it under control.


- Nothing but the best for
Vernon L. Locknut, eh Cork.


What the fuck?

(door blasts open)

Jesus Christ!

(rock music)

What the hell?


- Hey fella, this is private property

and you're going to have
to pay for that door.

- Ladies and gentlemen I
hope you can still hear me,

there's something very
strange happening down here

at our super station studios
and if this is a joke

I can tell you we don't
think it's very funny.

- It's not very funny.

- Do something Corky!

- Well what do you want me to do?

- I don't know hit it with something.

- Mr. Locknut is gonna shit.

- Oh my god, look at that, look at that.

A real live robot


- Call the cops, (screams) call the cops!




- I have cooties, oh my god, help me,

oh my god! (mummbles) don't
do this to me anymore.

- I don't know what's going
on that's exactly what

I'm trying to find out for god's sake.

Just get off my back will you Flip?

I'm at the hospital and I'm going in.

- Take it away from me.

(cries and screams)

- Will you listen dammit?

Moon has disappeared,
I'm all by myself here,

working on what could be the
biggest story in history Flip.

Send me another crew before
the networks get here

and blow us out of the water.

- [Flip] Lisa come on, if
you want to keep your job,

you'll find Moon and be
ready with a live interview

for the morning segment.


(shouts in background)

- [Dan] Contact Sheriff
Earl Hickman at once,

we need assistance

- 911 help!

- Look at that thing!

- [Dan] Looks like some kind of weapon.

- [Corky] A weapon.

He's raising it.

- [Dan] Pointing it at us.


Help, help!

- [Corky] Help me, help me.

- [Dan] What's he doing?

- Ah!

What are you doing here?

- I'm sorry miss, excuse
me, it's important.

I just need to listen to this.

- [Dan] Ladies and gentlemen
I know this sounds crazy

but the super station
studios have been taken over

by creatures from another planet.

Nothing would sound better
right now than some sirens?

- [Corky] Come on man, come on!

We need some help in here man!

- The big ones got a space suit on,

like this big bumpy head,

it looks like a turd
with a porthole window.


- There's this little rusty
robot and I can see his brain,

man, ew!

- Corky and I are going to
go in for a better look.

The big one, he's putting
something on the console.

It looks like,

It looks like a bomb.


(shoots laser)


- Can you believe this guy?

What a maniac!


- Well, we'll have to
run some tests to be sure

but it looks like the
nastiest case of Tinea Cruris

I've ever seen.

- Tin- Tinea Cruris?

- Mmm Hmm, commonly known as jock itch.

- Doctor give me a call
when you get the results

and be careful about what you say.

There's some reporter
from cable world news

hanging around here

whatever you do, don't
let her get near Willis.

(overhead speaker chatters)

- When can I interview Willis, Sheriff?

- He's under sedation.

- What about reports of other sightings?

- We'll check on everything in due time,

right now I'm going home to bed.

- Sheriff, Sheriff, okay
look Sheriff, off the record,

is there anything else you can tell me?

- Right now, I'm operating
under the theory that someone's

having fun at the public's expense.

- But I saw it.

- Lights, just lights, Miss Cummings,

weird lights in the sky doesn't
mean we're being invaded

by flying saucers.

- But my cameraman has
disappeared, what about him?

- If he's got any sense, he's
checked himself into a motel

which is exactly what I suggest you do.


- I'm not leaving here until I get

that interview with Willis, Sheriff.

- Suit yourself, but when you
find out what his problem is,

I think you're gonna be disappointed.

(engine revs)

(light beeps)


(robot sniffs)

- Jesus, Corky,

- What?

- Corky wake up.

- What happened?

- Come on Corky, we got to hide.


Jesus Christ.

- Look what they've done to my studio.

My transmitter.

Its, mmm, it's burning up
but I can't turn it off.

(bangs on phone)

- Ah, phone's dead.

People this is Dan O'Dare,

I don't know if we're still on the air

everything in the studio,
all the equipment, everything

is covered in this weird
green fungus like stuff.

Even the door, the
door's covered in fungus,

Corky and I are locked in here,

we can't get out.

The alien, and the robot,

just a few feet away.

Totally preoccupied with some
weird equipment that they have

with them.

Just a minute ago,

they zapped me and Corky, now
they're totally ignoring us.

This phone is lit up,

I'm going to try to
contact the outside world.

Ah, thank god the phone's working,

- [Phone Voice] Hey, great show Dan,

- You can hear me?

We're still on the air?

- Talk to them, tell them we need help.

- Okay, well listen, this
isn't a show anymore okay?

We desperately need help here.

- [Phone Voice] Not much I
can do for you in Nebraska,

Dan but if you're free on
Saturday night I'd sure.

- Hello,



- You just turned off all the blinkers,

we're still on full power.

- Hello, we're on the air,

hello people, somebody?

Please call the cops,
call Sheriff Hickman.

(robot squeaks)


- Just hang up the phone
so I can get a line out,

They don't believe me.

They think this is just a big joke.

- Oh, come on.

- I can't even get a line out to call 911.

(starts crying)


Corky, you talk to them,
they don't believe me,

maybe they'll believe you.

- Hello, hello out there,

this is Corky Bradford,
the chief engineer at KDUL,

mayday, mayday, we're in
trouble up here folks.

Father Flanagan, if you're
listening I'm not lying this time

I'll never drink another beer,

I'll never look at
another girlie magazine.

- Corky, Corky, wait.

What the hell are they doing?



(electric static)

- This son of a bitch is crazier
than a tree full of owls.


- The big one was just
punishing the robot,

and whatever they're doing it's intense.

I'm going in for a closer look.


(rock music)


♫ Soul searching for the truth

♫ Stranded on a ship of fools

♫ The ship is tossed on a sea of lies

♫ Who's making up these rules

♫ A false promise, a dirty deal

♫ You'll do anything for power

♫ But you're cut off from everything real

♫ In your ivory tower

♫ Oh no, the whole world's
turning to green and lust

♫ Oh yeah, it's them or
us, believe what you want

♫ But don't put your trust in black days

♫ So don't put you're
trust in black days ♫

- What's wrong with her?

♫ Beware of sleeping dogs

♫ They run with every pack

♫ Well they'll lie right to your face

♫ and stab you in the back

♫ They only want to hide the truth

♫ And dig you deeper in the holes

♫ You better look before you leap

♫ Cuz you can't trust a soul

♫ Well they'd never believe you

♫ They just want to deceive you

♫ Ain't no rhyme or reason

♫ Just don't get taken for a fool

♫ Whoa!

♫ Don't put your trust in black days

♫ It's all in your mind, time after time ♫

- Where did she go?


- Dan, help!

Help! Help!

- [Dan] Oh my god!

They've got this girl,

they've got a girl in a
jar, a twelve inch tall girl

in a jar she just called my name.

People, look people
you've got to believe me,

I know this sounds crazy but
I swear to god, it's true.

- You've got to hear this DJ

on the new radio station Doctor Payne.

- [Dan] Tell them what you see
man, tell them what you see

so they believe us.

- [Corky] It's a chick man,
it's a chick in a bottle.

- [Dan] It's not like any
bottle I've ever seen,

it's like the bottle is
part of some kind of fungus.

- This is the guy doing
the marathon in chains?

- He got out of the chains,
now he's being held hostage

by an alien from another planet.

- I can see the apparatus,
I can see the girl,

she looks real.


He's looking at her as if
she's some kind of a pet.

- My god, Dan, that's Cookie
from Peanut's truck stop.

They shrunk Cookie.

I'm getting out of here.

- No, Corky!

- Help!

Let me out of here.

Let me out of here, let me out.

Let me out of here.

Somebody open the door.

Help! Help!


- Corky!

- Stay away, stay away,
get away, get away!


(electric buzzing)

- [Dan] No Corky!

I'll just be um,


- This is wild isn't it?

- The guys a nut.

Get me another swab would you please?


- What is it?

- The fungus.

- It's reacting to the radio.

- Oh my god!

(police siren)

- Hey.

- Alright Peanut, what is going on here?

- It's Cookie Sheriff, she disappeared.

(men agree)

- You mean like she ran off?

Like with a trucker or something?

- No, she disappeared,
poof, just like that.

(men agree)

One minute she's in there dancing around

like a crazy go-go girl or something

and then the next minute
she just vanishes.

(men agree)

Next thing we know this crazy
DJ on the radio's saying

he's got her over there in
some glass bubble or something.

- [Voiceover] That's
the god's truth sheriff.

- Peanut, if you believe
a word that guy says

then you're a bigger nut
than I thought you were.

- [Police Radio] Sheriff Hickman?

(men agree with peanut)

Sheriff You've got a code 11
at Pahoota County Hospital.

- This is Sheriff Earl Hickman,

what is the problem over there?

- [Police Radio] Dr. Payne called,

he said something about a
fungus coming out of his radio?

- I'm heading there now.

You locate Mr. Vernon L. Locknut

and tell him to get his
butt over to the station

right away.

They've caused about all the trouble

I'm going to put up with.

- [Dan] I didn't know Corky
Bradford all that well,

we just met the other
day when I showed up here

to do this marathon.

It seems like a long time ago.

A little while ago, Corky
fought with the aliens trying

to rescue a 12 inch
girl from glass bubble,

he recognized her as the
waitress from a local truck stop.

Corky Bradford tried to save that girl,

the aliens killed him,

with electrical shock then covered him

in a hairy green fungus.

Corky Bradford died a hero

I don't expect to die a hero

but I don't expect to get
out of this situation either.

Pretty soon the aliens
are gonna start to play

that music again

and I have this funny
feeling that whatever it is

they're doing with that
strange equipment has something

to do with turning into the
people that are listening

to the station, I think
it would be a good idea

if everybody turned off their radios,

I want you to stop
listening to clear channel

super station 66.

- Stop listening! Oh my lord!

What have you gone nuts?

(car drives)

- [Bunny] Hi Dan, this is Bunny again.

- Bunny will you get off that
phone and let's get to work.

- Quiet Mr. Baker.

I love your show Dan it's really awesome.

- Awesome?

Dammit, Bunny you've got to believe me,

turn off your radio!

- Well why would I do a thing like that?

- Because,

Bunny, what are you wearing?

- My favorite black
mini and the paisley top

my boyfriend gave me for my birthday.

- Bunny are you in a gym or something?

- How did you know that?

- Because the aliens have
you in their sights, Bunny,

they're about to snatch
you through the air

and shrink you into a glass bubble Bunny.

Turn off your radio before it's too late.


(rock music)

♫ Alone my body

♫ Alone my head

♫ Dreaming of someone

♫ Here in my bed

♫ It feels so real

♫ It nearly drove me insane

♫ My body is different

♫ Racing through my brain

♫ Touching myself again

♫ Touching myself again

♫ Hoping she'll be my friend

♫ And she's touching myself a

♫ My eyes are glass

♫ And I'm looking at you

♫ Alone in this darkness

♫ And you know what I do.

♫ Touching myself again

♫ Touching myself again

♫ Hoping she'll be my friend

♫ I'm just touching myself again

♫ Yeah, yeah, go now.

♫ Whoa look at you

♫ Whoa here I go

♫ Whoa you,

♫ Here I go

♫ Look at you

♫ Yeah, ha, yow.

♫ Alone in my body

♫ Alone in my head

♫ Dreaming of you

♫ Here in my bed

♫ This feels so real

♫ It fills my brains

♫ So I'm ready for it

♫ It's with me again

♫ Here I go again, whoa.

♫ Here I go again ♫


- Huh?


(alien mumbles)


- It's incredible

the fungus was actually
responding from the sounds coming

from this new super station on the radio.

- Not now Miss Cumming.

(rock music)

(gun fires)

- A final item in the news this morning,

those UFO sightings in
California appear to be linked

to a publicity stunt, a stunt
that Federal authorities

are now investigating.

Flip Humble will have more on this.

I am Katrink Shinkalova.

- Good morning and welcome
to the morning edition

of Day and Night with Flip Humble,

everybody's talking about Dan O'Dare,

the super station 66 DJ
who's got the nation rolling

in the aisles with his nonstop marathon

UFO hostage monologue.

CWN's Lisa Cummings is live on the scene,

what's going on now Lisa?

- Well Flip we are live
outside the studios

and if I'm not always
properly framed in the picture

that's because somehow last
night in this mysterious set

of event unfolding here
in Pahoota, California

my camera man Moon
Hashimoto has disappeared.

And the situation here at super station 66

is growing more chaotic with each moment

and strangely enough some
of the wild crazy things

that Dan O'Dare is saying
are actually happening.

UFO sightings, strange fast growing molds,

or fungus like matter and
the baffling disappearance

of local women.

Somethings going on here in Pahoota Flip

and it is no laughing matter.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute Lisa,

are you saying you believe
all this UFO nonsense?

- Let's just say maybe so.

- Sheriff Earl.

- Excuse me,

- Sheriff Earl Hickman here
Flip and what we've got here

is a hostage situation pure and simple.

We believe Dan O'Dare's got
one maybe three people held up

in there, against their will.

Look, this all started out
as a silly publicity stunt

and it's gotten totally out of control

but I'll guarantee you we're
here to make sure we get

it back under control.

- You've got to help me out here please.

You gotta do something sheriff,

he's gone completely
bonkers for God's sake.

(intense music)

- He's gonna ruin me!

- What about Cookie?

- Get outta here Peanut.

- I'm telling you the FCC has threatened

to revoke my license.

- How's it going?

- It's no use Sheriff, this
green stuff seals up as fast

as I can cut it.

- There's got to be some
other way to get in.

What about a trap door?

Or a skylight or something?

- No, nothing, you're going to
have to break down the door,


- Okay, boys bring in the battering ram.

(hits door repeatedly)

- Whoa wait a minute,
something's happening

outside the door,

oh my god, I might finally
be getting some help here.

Oh wait a minute, the aliens are onto it,

if who's ever outside the door can hear me

don't come in right now.

Don't come in, don't come in the door,

if you come in the door
right now you will be killed!

- That does it, he's
broadcasting death threats!

- Wah?

- How's that door coming?

- Giving it hell Sheriff.

(bangs door)

- Ah! Look out!


- How far away is Pahoota?

- Why? Do you want to go there?

- Lisa Cummings has lost her objectivity,

if not her mind,

I wanna be there when they

drag Dan O'Dare outta that studio.

- You could make it for
the Late, Late segment but,

do you think it's worth it?

- Worth it?

That lunatic owes me a
sukiyama convertible.

I'm getting the keys to that
sucker before they throw

his ass in jail.



- I'm moving in for a closer look.

There must be some way to
free these captive women.

(women scream)

People they're getting
ready to do it again,

turn off your radios people,
they're doing it again.

This fungus, it somehow
enables them to see people

who are listening to this frequency.

- I'm looking directly into
the view finder right now

and I see a girl, a very pretty girl,

you're a nurse or something,

right, you're listening to me aren't you?

Okay well turn off your radio.

Don't you understand,
they tune in on girls

who are listening to the Danger Man.

Collecting beautiful women

over clear channel 66.

Turn off your radio!

Turn it off now before it's too late!

- [Radio Voice] Hi kids,
it's the Captain Happy show

staring me Captain Happy, let
me get out my magic mirror.

I see Bobby, I see Susie, I see Billy.

(rock music)

♫ Filled with joy this time
of season I'm always happy

♫ For no reason, the big
red sun's shining down on me

♫ This sweet little dirge of a melody

♫ I love to run up to the fields

♫ And tippy toe through the daffodils

♫ Mr. Butterfly will you be my friend

♫ Let me capture you in my little net

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I'm so happy, they're
so happy, we're so happy

♫ You are too, I'm so
happy, they're so happy,

♫ Wouldn't you like to be happy too

♫ He's so happy, she's
so happy, me's so happy

♫ Are you happy too

♫ I'm so happy, they're so
happy, wouldn't you like

♫ to be happy too

♫ Dandelions are in the air

♫ Great big flowers are everywhere

♫ I love to pick them everyday

♫ Arrange and put them on display

♫ I whirl, I skip, I jump, I bruise

♫ My little feet, I begin to dance

♫ Happily sitting in a tree

♫ A friendly owl hoots at me

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I'm so happy

- Let' go!


♫ Jump

♫ Grandma knits me a great big sweater

♫ My little life can't get no better

♫ Life's so happy and full of joy

♫ I'm lying, it's really sucks!

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I'm so happy

♫ I really am

♫ I'm so happy

♫ So very happy

♫ I'm so happy ♫



(aliens mumbles)



- Bunny?

They've got Bunny in there!

- Clear channel or not,
there'll be no more rock n roll

on super station 66.

- We've got to get a line in there,

- We're working on it.

- Well, what's taking
so long gosh darn it?

- We're getting 10,000 calls
an hour here Mr. Locknut.

- Oh my Lord!

- Sheriff, my nurse disappeared,
just like the others.

- Hey wait a second Doctor!

- Let's go, sheriff, let's
break down that door.

- Cool off Peanut!

- My God, this is the same fungus.

It's growth accelerates when exposed

to the sound of the station.

- Vernon, were you storing
any toxic chemicals

in the studio?

- 10,000 calls an hour?

- Pull the plug on the station Sheriff.

Cut the power right now!

- What do you mean pull the plug?

You can't do that, not
with those demographics.

This is going to be the highest
rated radio show in history!

- Who cares about your ratings?

This is real Sheriff,
this is really happening.

- Miss Cummings don't start on that again.

Dan O'Dare this is Sheriff Hickman,

I'm going to give you one last chance son,

exit the studio with your hands up.

- Yeah, I hear you Sheriff,
glad you're out there.

I hope you go the marines with you buddy,

because I've given it a lot of thought

not much anybody can do
for me or the ladies,

we're history,

but there is something you can do

to make sure that this never
happens to anybody else again,

destroy us.

Blow the KDUL studio super station 66

off the face of the earth.

I'm going to make one final plea,

to people who have the phone lines jammed

please, hang up your phones.

- [Phone Voice] Hey
Dan, this is Roger, wow,

I can't believe I finally got through.

I've been on hold forever.

- Get off my phone Roger.

- [Phone Voice] Your show
is really the funniest show

I've ever heard.


- Fuck yourself Roger!

- The F word!

I'm ruined.

- [Phone Voice] I didn't
know you could say that

on the radio.

- Nothing else I say is doing any good,

so maybe if I use some good
old fashioned obscenity,

you know, some of the four
letter baby's, they can be used

as a noun or a verb, then maybe,

maybe then the White House
will send a couple of them

stealth bombers because
that's what it's gonna take

to stop these creatures.


(phone rings)

Can you hear me out
there you fucking morons?

- I think we're witnessing

a complete mental breakdown, here.

- Mr. Locknut?

Or Dan O'Dare?

- [Dan] Take us off
the air, cut the power!

Do something you dickheads!

- Dickheads!


- Shut up! Just shut up for God's sake!

Just shut up!

- It's too bad about the girls.

What kind of lives would
they have had anyway?

- Help!


(girls cry out)

- 12 inches tall.

- [Girls] Dan you idiot, help me!

Bottles for Barbie dolls?

- [Girls] Help, Dan!

- It's too late for me too.

- [Girls] Help me!


- I've been infected
with the alien fungus,

I'm gonna go look for a weapon,

make one final try for freedom.


Hold the presses ladies and gentlemen,

there's something happening
here and it might be good news

for the Danger Man!

I just sprayed the alien
fungus with germosol,

it's receding.

I'm gonna try some of this on Corky,

see if I can spring him
from this fungus cocoon.


This is amazing people,

the germosol, is killing the alien fungus.

Eat this scrotum head!

Woo hoo!


Ladies and gentlemen you're
listening to super station 66

where Dangerous Dan O'Dare
is now killing the alien.




Uh-oh, it looks like the Danger
man spoke a little too soon.

Okay, alright I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, okay, alright.



(alien grumbles)



Oh you want me to speak?

You want me to speak?

Alright I'm speaking,

I'm speaking!

I'm speaking okay?

La, la, la, la, la, I'm
speaking, I'm speaking.

Ah, hello, hello,

Oh my god they're getting
ready to snatch another girl,

I can see the people
outside the KDUL studios,


Lisa, I see Lisa Cummings!

Lisa I'm sorry you were
right, Lisa don't listen,

whoa, wait a minute, I'm
seeing something here,

when I speak I can see
you all loud and clear.

But when I let our signal fade,

the images fade.

Aliens are using my voice
to aim their machinery.


Sorry, sorry, sorry, ow!

(laser blasts)


Lisa, Lisa, don't listen.

Lisa cover your ears, no, Lisa!

- Golly that's Lisa Cummings.


Miss Cummings, can I have your autograph?



- Bunny!

- Oh!

- They missed Lisa and got
some goofy looking guy instead!





He just blew up his own robot,

man this dude is fucked!

- What's it like in there?

What happened?

- Bunny!


- The process is reversible.

Lisa, Lisa, they're doing it again.

Lisa they're going after you.

Cover your ears Lisa!


- Dan!

- No!

(hits alien in the head)

- Stand back people.

Back off fella, Flip Humble CWN news.

Now where the heck is Lisa Cummings?

- She's inside sir.

- She made it in?


Hey see if you can pick up her feed?

- Right away, right away.

Flip we are getting a signal from inside.

- Clear the way people, clear the way.

- Five, four,

three, two, one, you're on.

- Flip Humble coming to you live outside

the super station 66 studios,

where the Dangerous Dan
O'Dare marathon is coming

to an exciting end as law
enforcement authorities

are poised to storm the building,

CWN reporter Lisa Cummings
gives us this live report

from inside the studio, Lisa?

- I don't know if anybody can
pick this up but here goes,

This is Lisa Cummings live on the scene,

I'm witnessing a terrible
struggle right now,



- What the hell is this?


- This she calls a transmission?

- You fucked the wrong chick dude!


(rock music)





(screams and growls)

- Dan, get me out of here!

My god, what is that thing?



- Oh!

(ladies cry out)

- Dan!

- Lisa!

Jesus Christ!



- Quick take these.

- What do you want me to do with this?

- Here, take the germosol
and spray that scum bag.


Alright ladies,

Alright scumbag,

Woo Hoo!!


(screams in pain)

- [Cookie] Right between the eyes, sucker!

- [Dan] You had to come to Pahoota?

Crazy little guy!

(cries out)

- Whoa!


- Woo, you rat bastard!




- [Dan] Oh shit.

- [Lisa] Huh?

- [Dan] Ladies and
gentlemen, you're listening

to super station 66, where
Dangerous Dan O'Dare has just

conquered the aliens.

Stand back people, we're
spraying the door now,

move away from the door.

Woo hoo, it's really working.



(triumphant music)

(cheers and applause)

- You're in trouble now.

- Dan O'Dare.

- Have you gone nuts?

What have you done?

- Cookie!


I was worried sick about you.

- Oh Peanut.

- Ginger!


- We made it, woo hoo!


- Dan.


- The publicity stunt
which got out of hand here

at super station 66, is
rapidly drawing to a close.

The hostages are free and safe,

using some kind of explosive device

which was just detonated moments ago,

authorities have finally taken control

over the super station studio.

- Son.

- What?

- You are under arrest.

- Oh, Sheriff!

Would you just look in there?

- Oh my lord, what a mess.

- I can see Dan O'Dare now
as well as CWN field reporter

Lisa Cummings.

Lisa, Dan, over here.

Flip Humble CWN news,

Lisa another job well done,

and as usual CWN is first on the scene.

What exactly happened in there?

- Well Flip, you will be glad
to know that I got it all

on tape, all you have to do is figure out

how to blow it up!


- And Dangerous Dan O'Dare,
the bad boy of rock n roll,

what do you have to say for yourself?

- Get that fucking mike
out of my face, Flip.

(loud pulsing music)


- Where's Bunny?

- Bunny?

- Help, somebody help!

Help me!

Help, somebody, somebody help!


(rock music)

(ominous music)

- It's a cruel world, it's kind of lonely

when you're a foot tall,
like this girl bunny, the one

that got shrunk my aliens.

Maybe a visit from
Dollman'll cheer her up.

(upbeat music)

♫ Dollman ♫