Back to the Woods (1937) Movie Script

[♪]

Guilty.

Take the prisoner away.

Next case.

Your Lordship,

a grave situation.

The three ruffians about

to appear before the court

are in a fit way

to wreck our empire.

What sayest ye?

Aye, Your Lordship, only this

morn these brigands attacked

His Majesty's guard

and did them battle

on the very threshold

of the palace.

Bring forth yon varlets.

[BALLS CHIMING]

Time signal.

Fifteen seconds

before 11 a.m.

baloney watch time.

Shuteth up.

Order. Order.

Order.

I'll take a ham sandwich.

Hold thy tongue.

Not tongue, ham.

Continue, counsellor.

Your Lordship, these rogues do

lay claim to be kin

to the Three Musketeers.

One for all.

All for one.

Every man for himself.

[BANGS GAVEL]

Silence, ye knaves.

Ye are accused of doing battle

with His Majesty's guard.

What say ye to the charge?

I can explain, judge.

You seeth,

it was like thiseth.

[GAVEL BANGS]

JUDGE: Guilty.

I sentence ye to Newgate Prison

for 40 years,

ye to 45,

ye to 50.

Forty?

Forty-five?

Fifty?

I got 50.

Fifty, 50, 50, 50, 50.

Do I hear 55?

Going once, twice.

Do I hear 55?

Who will make it 55?

I shall.

Thank you--

Whoo!

Fifty-five years

for the lot of ye

at hard labor.

But Your Lordship, it'll cost

the crown a pretty penny

to feed yon wastrels

for 55 years.

Why not send them to our

colonies in America

to fight the redskin savage?

Hm, I just love

corn beef and savage.

JUDGE:

Silence.

I now sentence ye knaves

to defend our colonists

from the savages.

Gadzooks, they'll scalp

us alive.

Not me.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

A pleasant journey, gentlemen.

The same, sire, to thee.

Ow!

Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah--

Ooh-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah--

Yeah.

[ALL CHANTING]

Take them away.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

The good ship Pimpernel

did anchor last eve.

So soon?

Aye.

Only one year in crossing.

Well, well.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Ooh!

Oh, uh, we've come

to see the governor.

Be thou the governor's

daughters?

Aye, sir. I be Faith,

and this is Hope,

and this is Charity.

[GIGGLES]

ALL:

Ooh!

[GIGGLING]

I wouldst a word with thee,

my little charming wallflower.

What dost thou?

I saw her first.

Fish posh and tish tosh.

I'll never give up Hope.

Why dost thou

not take Charity?

I need not Charity.

I'm on the WPA.

WPA?

Aye.

Willing Pilgrims Association.

Hm!

All my life I hath been looking

for a maid like thee, toots.

Aw, give us a break, kid.

I'm a stranger in town

and knoweth not a soul.

[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]

By the by, see what I have

brought thee.

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING]

Wouldst?

[MUSIC PLAYING FASTER]

[MUSIC SLOWS]

[MUSIC PLAYING FASTER]

[GRUNTS]

[WHINES]

Hm!

[MUSIC HEIGHTENS]

[MUSIC BOX CHIMES RAGTIME MUSIC]

Hm!

Fie. Fie.

What means this frivolity?

[MUSIC CONTINUOUS]

Quiet!

[MUSIC STOPS]

For shame that ye dance

while the colony is in dire

need of food.

Who be thou

and what do ye here?

We be sent by His Majesty

to defend the colony.

Our credentials, sire.

Hm, Boston Downs.

Weather clear, track fast,

first race, Whopper, two to one.

They're off.

Who's in the quarter?

Whopper.

Who's in the half?

Whopper.

Who's in the stretch?

Whopper.

Who's the winner?

Rosemont.

Who's the winner?

Rosemont.

Ow!

The wrong credentials, sire.

I am so sorry.

I pray thee governor

come at once.

The Indians have arrived

to sue for peace.

Wouldst thou go to the meeting?

Oh, wouldst.

Come.

Shoulder arms.

About face.

Ooh.

Forward march.

Peace.

No more war.

[GRUNTS]

No more war.

Give 5000 shekels.

But we have no more than this.

[JINGLES]

Hm.

Good down payment.

Take mortgage on balance.

Interest 6 percent.

Thank goodness, at last

we are free to hunt.

No. No hunt till F.O.B.

F.O.B.?

Mm. Fork over balance.

Indian givers.

But chief, if we cannot hunt,

the colonists will starve.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

But listen, chief.

Wait, we pray thee.

ALL:

We shall perish of hunger.

Oh, woe is us.

'Tis a chance to redeem

ourselves, lads.

We shall hunt anyway,

and feed the colonists.

Thou hast said a mouthful.

I shall bringeth a moose.

And I shall bringeth an elk.

I'll bring

a couple of odd fellows.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[BARKS]

To the hunt.

ALL:

To the hunt.

♪ Rat-a-tat-tat

Tat-a-tat-tat ♪

♪ A hunting we must goeth ♪

♪ Whoo-whoo-whoo

Whoo-whoo-whoo ♪

♪ A hunting we shall goeth ♪

Right face.

Oh!

Ow!

Left about face.

Ooh!

Ow.

Forward march.

♪ Whoo-whoo-whoo

Whoo-whoo-whoo ♪

♪ A hunting we will go ♪

Hallelujah.

♪ A hunting we will go ♪

Yeah, man.

MOE: ♪ A hunting we will go ♪

LARRY: Yeah, man.

'Tis best we disguise, lads.

[MOE READING]

Huh.

No camping, no shooting,

no smoking.

And they call this

the land of liberty.

Wait. Heed them not.

They are only Indian signs.

Verily I am disgusted.

Not a turkey in sight.

Oh, my toe--

Give me the bird.

Nay, 'tis mine.

Wait.

Give him the bird.

How I shall gobble this gobbler.

Mm-hm.

[TURKEYS GOBBLING]

Look, turkeys.

Shh. Quick, load thy guns.

What do we do now?

Fire at will.

Which one is Will?

Ready,

aim, fire.

[INDIANS BELLOW WAR WHOOPS]

Indians.

[ALL SCREAM]

[WHOOPING]

CURLY:

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

Why don't ye look

where ye swisheth.

Hold that.

[BARKS]

Look.

We're trapped like rats.

You getting personal?

What'll we do?

Ammunition, men.

Man the guns.

MOE:

Fire!

A bull's-eye.

More ammunition.

Hm!

MOE:

Fire.

[GROANS]

[LAUGHING]

See what I found

by the water's edge.

Ah, good.

Fire.

[CACKLES]

I found this pineapple

on yonder tree.

Pineapple?

Whoo-ho!

'Tis a hornet's nest.

Fire.

[BUZZING]

MOE:

Ho! Ho!

Fire.

We'd best take the ozone

before they revive.

[GRUNTS]

[ALL SCREAM]

CURLY:

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

[ALL WHOOPING]

[CRIES OUT]

[BARKS]

[YELLS]

[INDIANS WHOOPING]

[ALL WHOOPING]

Ah-- Ah-- Ah--

[ALL SHOUTING]

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

[ALL GRUNT AND SPEAK

IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

Ah!

Poor Larry. The Indians

must have him by now.

We must save him,

lest they chop off his head,

or burn him at the stake.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Gadzooks, what now?

Keep a stiff upper chin.

We'll surround them.

Present arms.

Left face.

Uh...

[LAUGHS]

[ALL YELP]

[PANTS]

[SCREAMS]

CURLY:

Moe, I got one.

I'll get you another. Wait.

Okay.

[INDIANT CHANTING]

[SCREAMS]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck,

nyuck, nyuck.

[PANTS]

[GROWLS]

CURLY:

I got another one, Moe.

Swing it, Moe.

Ah!

[GRUNTS]

[HOLLERS]

Hm!

[SCREAMS]

Oh!

[GROWLS]

Wait, numbskull. 'Tis me.

'Tis sorry I am, friend.

I did not recognize thee.

Quite so.

Make haste, lest we be too late

to save our comrade.

[ALL CHANTING]

Ooh. Ow!

Moe. Curly.

What's happening?

[BOTH WHOOP]

CURLY:

Hey, Moe. Hey, I got them all.

Hey, Moe.

Say a few syllables.

Hey, Moe.

Wait a minute.

Why dost thou not lookest

where thy smacketh?

Ow!

Quick, he's fainted.

Bringeth water.

I'll be back before

thou can say Ticonderoga,

if they can say Ticonderoga.

[BARKS]

Come on, kid.

Will you get up?

We're in trouble. Come on.

You ungrateful...

[SPUTTERS]

What's wrong with thee,

thou quince head?

[INDIANS MURMUR]

[ALL SCREAM]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Get over there with a club.

You help me.

Ooh!

Oh-- Ah-- Oh!

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

On with the disguise.

To the lake.

Maketh haste, quince head.

[♪]

Back to the Woods (1937) - full transcript