Back to the Beach (1987) - full transcript

Twenty-five years ago,

my parents were the most
popular teenagers in America.

It's true!

My dad was a teen idol.

Venus
Goddess of love that you are

Girls threw themselves at him.

Unfortunately, this was 1962,
and he had to throw them back.

When Dad wasn't singing,
he spent his life on a surfboard.

They called him the "Big Kahuna".

When l was born, Dad wanted
to call me "Little Kahuna".

Luckily, he settled for "Bobby".



As for Mom, she joined that strange
cult called the "Mouseketeers".

Beauty is as beauty does
That's what wise men say

Now, if you would be beautiful
Do this every day

Hi, Mouseketeers. I'm Annette.

For neatness really pays

She became the first pinup
queen for boys under 12.

Anyhow, they got married
and moved to Ohio

right after the accident.

Don't get him started
on the surf accident.

Around our house,
we have a nightly ritual.

It's called "dinner
and then the accident story".

Let me spare you this.

Twenty years ago while surfing,

this humongous wave knocked
the kahuna right out of Dad,



and he's never been
the same since.

Hold it! Hold it!
The hair, did you wet the hair?

Don't wet the hair.
Try to get the water here, OK?

Jamie, is my hair OK?
Good, OK.

OK.

Hi, need a car?

This is my dad now.

The closest he gets
to the ocean these days

is when he plays the Surf King
in order to sell cars on TV.

...your next car,
but you know what?

Yep, the Big Kahuna now owns
Friendly Ford,

the largest dealership in Ohio.

It means he worries a lot,

works longer hours
than a coalminer

and can be pretty
grouchy sometimes.

Fleishman, massage this baby
and make her look pretty like the rest.

What's the matter with you guys?

It's not that he's a creep or anything.

l think Dad just forgot
how to have fun.

This is our house in Ohio,
and this is my mom now.

She's still the most cheerful
person on earth,

although she did develop
this one little quirk.

Bobby, come get your lunch.

As for me, l developed
a serious identity crisis

and was at the breaking point.

l couldn't live like this anymore.

One day, l cracked.

It was time to confront
Mom with her problem.

I'm afraid.

You're afraid of lunch?

Bobby, no one's afraid of lunch.

l am because l know exactly,

unfailingly and with an absolute
certainty what's in there.

It's been in there
every day of my life!

It's peanut butter, isn't it, Mom?
Isn't it?!

Well, you know, l believe it is.

What do you mean,
"l believe it is"?

Of course it is.

You know there's
peanut butter in there.

It's like a sick
kind of fixation with you.

Well, it's good for you.
You need it.

No, Ma.

You need oxygen.

l don't know how to break this to you,

but peanut butter is not one of the
elements essential to human life.

Wait a minute,
let me get this straight.

Are you saying
that you don't like peanut butter?

Ma, I'm just saying
l need a change.

Something different once in a while.

A little variety.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

Tomorrow, you get the Chunky.

It was useless.

l was stressed.

Dad was developing some
serious stress problems too,

from his relentless
obsession with selling,

selling, selling.

What are all the salesmen doing,
sleeping?

And although Mom wouldn't recognize
stress if it jumped up and bit her,

she was also getting pretty weird from
spending so much time shopping,

shopping, and yes, that's right,
more shopping.

Something had to give.

After 15 years,
Dad sensed trouble

and finally realized
we all needed a break.

A vacation?

So we're off to Hawaii.

Fun place for a kid
who only wears black.

Hey, babe,
how about a Cuervo Gold?

Now, you know l can't do that,

but would you like
a little, junior pilot pin?

Whoop-dee-doo.

Maybe l should just pin it
to your cheek.

Bobby, dear, l hope
you're not being any trouble.

That hair, that smile, those...

You're Annette!

It must be so wonderful being you.

Why, yes, it is.

And you're the Big Chihuahua!

"Kahuna", but that's
way back in the past.

Now I'm a stressed-out
car salesman.

Say, would you like to hear
about an accident l once had?

- Oh, no.
- I'll pass.

Jeez, l wish l could call the office
and find out what's going on.

Oh, don't think about work now,
sweetheart.

Just concentrate on relaxing
and having fun again.

Oh, Annette, l want to, it's just that
l hope l remember how.

There's one thing l do remember:

How much l love you.

But the years have hardened me,
Annette.

They certainly hardened your hair.

Honey!

It's all right,
l was just fixing his hat.

We will be serving dinner
in our main cabin shortly.

For those of you who ordered
special meals, good move.

Great! Dinner!

Bobby, did l ever tell you
the time l was surfing...?

See, what'd l tell you?
Dinner and then the accident story.

Dad, does the phrase "get over it"
mean anything to you?

Yeah? Does the expression "a rap
in the mouth" mean anything to you?

- Honey!
- He keeps needling me.

- Do not!
- Do to!

Stop it, boys! l don't want this to
happen when we get to Los Angeles.

- l thought we were going to Hawaii.
- We're stopping to see your sister.

- Sandi.
- No, Dad, don't!

My little baby, my honey bunny,
my lamby whammy.

This is why we don't travel.

l hope the bags don't take too long.
We've only got a ten-hour layover.

That's perfect.
Oh, there it is. Here.

- Where's the movie stars?
- What?

l thought LA was supposed
to be loaded with movie stars,

rock 'n' rollers, celebrities.

Oh, honey, that's just
what all Midwesterners think.

LA is just like any other place.

Excuse me,
but l believe this is my bag.

Oh, I'm sorry, of course,
mine's leatherette.

- And this seems to be...
- Pigskin. Thank you very much.

Hey, Mom,
you know who that was?

No, honey, who?

That was...

No, l guess l was wrong.

Oh, sorry.

We're not in now,
but leave a message,

and we'll get back to you
as soon as we can, OK? Bye.

Hi, Sandi, this is your father. Your
mother and l are at the airport here.

Now, we got a couple of hours, and
we thought we'd see your new place.

When you say, "We're not in",
who exactly is "we"?

Look at it, honey!

The ocean!

Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?

It smells kind of funny,
don't you think?

Yeah, it smells like the ocean!

What did Sandi say?

l didn't talk to her.
l got the machine.

She said, "We're not in."

Now, what do you think that means,
"We're not in"?

Wild guess.

l think it means she's not in.

Boy, it's quite a piece of dialogue when
you two intellectual giants get together.

l should be writing this down.

This kid's starting to bug me, Annette.
I'm telling you, Bobby, that's enough!

- Now, cut it out!
- Don't start anything.

Just relax.

OK, but here's my point.

She didn't say, "I'm not in."
She said, "We're not in."

"We", you see, "we".

Now, what does "we" mean?

l believe it's the plural form,
indicating more than one.

Do you want me to conjugate
that for you, Pop?

Do you know what
"conjugate" means, Dad?

I'd like to conjugate you
on the back of the head!

- Don't...
- He's driving me nuts!

That's enough!
I'm sure Sandi is fine.

Can't we enjoy being
back on the beach again?

- OK, OK.
- Please.

Just one time,
I'd like to get him once.

Stop it! Stop it.

Oh, look, honey,
it's our old beach!

Yeah, big deal.

Oh, and remember this.

It was our song.

Hey, the radio has a dial, you know.

Sing with me, honey!

Come on, honey,
I'm not in the mood.

- Oh, please?
- l can't. I'm driving, OK?

- l mean, l gotta concentrate.
- Thanks. l owe you one there, Dad.

Sandi? You keep leaving the soap
on the shower floor.

And it keeps getting gross
and squishy,

and then it just disappears.

This was my favorite soap-on-a-rope,
and look at this.

It's just rope.

Gosh, Michael,
what a gut-wrenching tragedy.

Get Jerry Lewis on the phone.
Let's get a telethon going.

OK, I'm sorry I've got to do this,
but I'm with the smart-ass police.

You're a repeat offender
and in clear violation.

And now you go out the window!

What are you writing?

A letter to my folks.

Yeah? Well, I'll bet I'm not
mentioned in that one either.

That's right.
Oh, Michael, I'm sorry.

My dad is a nice guy,
a good provider, cruelly handsome,

kind of a weird dresser,
but in the last few years,

he's just become
the teeniest bit conservative.

What number did you say?

2566.

That's 64, 68.

l don't get it.

Do you mean to tell me
that our daughter is living on a pier?

Sandi lives on a pier?

Well, if l recall, one summer,
you lived under a pier.

Annette, honey,
l am not my daughter.

You figured that out
all by yourself, Pop?

- Bobby...
- Stop it!

Well, l think living on a pier
is adorable.

Adorable? It's strange.

Weird things happen on a pier.

When you say, "We're not in",
who exactly is "we"?

Michael!

Michael!

What?

What's going on?

You got any other clothes?

- No.
- Good.

l guess those new fall
fashions are coming in.

2566.

A bait shop?

She lives on top of a bait shop?

Michael, l love you.
Now get the hell out.

- ls this like a chick thing?
- No, it's like a parent thing.

- Sandi, it's your father.
- Get it?

- Got it.
- Good.

Sandi, come on, open the door.

I'm coming, Dad!

l think l hear something.

You mean, she's making noise
in her own apartment?

They just go nuts in California,
huh, Dad?

- OK, now what? Now what?
- l don't know.

OK, look. l do, l do.

We let them in,
we get everything out in the open.

We tell them l love you,
l want to marry you,

and we trust that
they'll understand this.

Sandi!

If you got a guy in there, I'll cut off
his toes and sell them to the bait shop!

Listen, this is my house too.
l will not be driven out...

Dad!

He's battering down the door
with someone's head?

Dad, my eyes are crossing.

I'm out of here.
Sandi, I've always loved you.

I'm glad to see you, l mean that.

Mom, Dad, Bobby.
What a lovely surprise.

Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, you look beautiful.

A little thin.
Doesn't she look thin?

She looks guilty.
Who was here?

- No one.
- Who was just in here?

Oh, l was on the phone.
Dad...

Two toothbrushes, after-shave lotion,

and the toilet seat is up!
l knew it!

- What was that?
- What?

That thing. l saw you throw a thing.
Did you see that thing?

l think l saw a thing,
but l don't know what thing.

God, I'm proud.

This is like a conversation
at the Kissingers.

Now l get it.

- Bobby!
- Honey, what are you doing?

What am l doing? It seems to me
that your daughter has developed

a serious interest in surfing
or surfers. Come on, Bobby.

- Honey...
- I'll be back.

Sweetheart.

ls there something you want
to tell me?

That was my boyfriend. He wants to
marry me. He's been living with me,

but l couldn't tell you,
because Dad would freak out.

l don't know what's happening.
Oh, Mom, what will l do?

Let's go shopping.

Bobby! Bobby, slow up!

Don't worry, Bobby.
When l find this guy,

I'm gonna tear him apart.

I'm gonna break his legs.
I'm gonna break his face.

Thank you, Dad. You continue
to set a great example for me.

Bobby, come on, before we lose him.

- l don't believe it...
- Pop!

l don't believe...
l had him in my sights!

- l saw him come up here.
- Look out!

Almost. Bobby...

Whoopsie-daisy.

"Whoopsie-daisy"?

Boy, back in my day, a surfboard...

A surfboard was about 9 feet long,
weighed about 50 pounds.

Not like this sissy job.

It took a real man to handle
one of those babies.

You know, l think the sport has
become a little bit effeminate.

Don't you think?

Just for the record,
l have a wildly different opinion.

l like the kid.

Great! That means that we're
hitting it off, doesn't it?

l don't like the guy
with the hair helmet.

Hair?

Hair?

You're talking about hair?

You guys get your haircuts
at the Braille Barber College?

Good one, huh, Bobby?

You know, l bet puberty
would have been great.

You are on my beach.

You've done an ugly thing
to my board.

These are sins here.

l, Zed, am God here.

- Right?
- Right!

Hey, listen. Thanks, babe.
You guys have been great.

We gotta split now.

And thanks for showing us
your little toys. They're really cute.

Oh, really good, nice. Nice.
Thanks a lot, huh?

You know? Life's a beach.

Pop, you're really aware.

- Hi, hon.
- Hi, Ma.

Hi, did you have a nice time?

We met these weird-looking guys,

and they had really bad attitudes,

were incredibly rude
and dangerous and wanted to kill us.

It was so cool.

Well, as long as you had fun.

Oh, this wind.
Sandi, how's my hair?

Oh, it looks great, Mom.

Oh, look!

Let's go in for a second.

Oh, come on, honey,
we've got a plane to catch.

We used to spend
so much time here.

Don't the memories
come flooding back?

Mom, Dad, the early years...
I'm getting goose bumps.

Mom, l gotta go.
I'm gonna be late for work.

Oh, look!

Dick Dale's on tonight.

Let's go say hi to Dick.

Honey, we can come back in the year
2000 and say hi to Dick.

- Oh, just for a minute.
- All right, all right.

But exactly five minutes, OK?
I'll wait in the car.

Dad, it's been a pleasant visit.
Come back real soon, OK?

All right, honey.
OK, I'm coming in.

Parking!

The Big Kahuna.

Ed Byrnes, wow. How kooky!

Do you know they make a drink
here called the "Stunned Mullet",

served in a coconut shell?

Why, l once saw a woman drink
one of these, take off all her clothes

and dance the pony
right here on this very table.

And your point is?

Point is, I'd like to buy you
two of them.

That's very generous of you,
in a sleazy kind of way.

But my husband and l
have a plane to catch soon.

Say, hey, if a dynamite-looking
chick like you was married

to a totally bitchin' dude like me,

you wouldn't be alone for a minute.
Catch my drift?

l dig chicks.

Chicks dig me digging them.
Dig?

Hey, slick.

Oh, the name's Troy.

Oh, what a shock.

Troy.

- The old Stunned Mullet, huh?
- Yeah.

You ought to try ordering
a real drink, slick.

Let's go, Annette.

Bridgette, where were we?

Zebra hunting on the Serengeti, right?

Oh, they glow in the dark.

Wait, l wanna say goodbye to Sandi.

l wanna get out of here right now.

It was a mistake even getting
close to this old beach.

l just wanna get on the plane, OK?

Kahuna!

- Connie?
- Yes!

Look at you, 20 years later.

Honey, you are still the best-looking
thing on this beach.

Somebody get me a net!

Connie, you remember Annette, huh?

Oh, l didn't mean
that kind of Annette.

Are you two still dating?

Unfortunately, you look great too.

Not this great, but great.

Well, l try to take care of myself.
l eat right, and l get plenty of rest.

Of course you do.
That's because you're boring.

l didn't mean that.
Come on, you have to see my shrine.

Honey, we have a plane to catch.

Oh, come on, Annette,
there's no rush. Hold on, hold on!

- Come on!
- Honey!

- Look.
- Unbelievable.

You saved all this junk?

That's not junk to me.

Just some of the memories
of the best times of my life.

You're not an easy guy to forget,
you know.

- You were never easy period.
- Oh, look at this baby picture.

l didn't think anybody would
remember me from those days.

Are you nuts? You're the Big Kahuna.
There's your old board.

Board!

Venus

- A trunk of your old clothes.
- You're kidding!

- Honey, you're a legend in my place.
- Annette, look at this.

Connie saved everything
l used to care about.

l don't see a picture of me.

Come on, don't be a pill.
You got him, you won.

That's right, honey, you won.

Oh, OK. Well, we've got
a plane to catch. Let's go.

You're not gonna
leave without singing a song.

My husband doesn't sing anymore.

Come on, honey, just five minutes.

Connie, l wouldn't dream of leaving
this place without singing a song!

Come on, let's go have some fun!
Come on, Annette, let's go!

- Hey, Mom.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

- Mom?
- ...the Big Kahuna!

Mom, was l adopted?
And if not, can l be now?

- Dick, do you know "Venus"?
- "Venus"?

You're asking me, Dick Dale,
if l know "Venus"?

No. But l know this.

One, two, three, four!

Well, I'm going out West
Where l belong

Where the days are short
And the nights are long

- Well, they walk
- They walk

- And l walk
- l walk

And they twist
I'll twist

- I'll twist
- And they shimmy

- And I'll shimmy
- Shimmy, shimmy

And they fly
And I'll fly

Well, they're out there having fun

In the warm California sun

Well, the girls are frisky
In old Frisco

With pretty little chicks
Wherever you go

- And they walk
- They walk

- And I'll walk
- I'll walk

- And they twist
- They twist

- And I'll twist
- I'll twist

- And they shimmy, and I'll shimmy
- Shimmy, shimmy

And they fly
And I'll fly

Well, they're out there having fun

In the warm California sun

Yeah, they're out there having fun

In the warm California sun

Connie.

Thanks. It was great
seeing you again.

Yeah, well, there's
more of me to see.

- We missed the plane.
- Really?

Oh, how time flies
when you're having...

Don't say it!

I've been trying
to get you to have fun,

but you didn't seem able
to have any with me, did you?

- Come on, Annette, lighten up.
- Lighten up?

If this marriage gets any lighter,
it'll float!

You sure didn't feel
like singing with me, did you?

Or spending any time
with your daughter.

Oh, come on, Annette.
Don't be ridiculous.

l knew we should not have
come back to this beach.

Look, we are going
back to Ohio right now.

Are we?

Well, I'm spending time
with my daughter and my son.

And maybe, just maybe,

I'll have a little fun myself.

Yeah!

Annette, l am going home.
Are you coming now?

No.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Then don't come later.

How about never?

- All right!
- Yeah!

What the hell are you doing?

What are you doing?

Well, l thought you were my girlfriend.

Michael, put some clothes on.

What clothes? Tuna fish are wearing
my clothes, remember?

- Whose luggage is that?
- My mom's.

- They're still here?
- Yes, she and Bobby.

They'll be here any minute.
They had a fight.

There's a lot of that going around.

We are not having a fight.

- Well, am l sleeping here tonight?
- No.

Then we're having a fight.

My mother's only gonna
be here for a couple of days.

A couple of days?

Oh, well, that is just great.

They start out on a three-hour tour,

and now they're gonna be here
for God knows how long.

Am l mistaken, or is this the plot
to Gilligan's Island?

You are acting as if
l have control over this.

Well, l don't, so l think you could
make a little effort to understand.

I'll tell you what l understand.

l understand that this morning, l had
a home, a wardrobe and a fiancée.

Now all l gotta do is go out and find
a new home, new wardrobe

- and maybe a new...
- Don't toss your threats at me.

l am in the middle of a family crisis.

And if that just inconveniences
you a little, well, too bad.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Would you like your stupid ring back?

Stupid?

A little surfer on a board.
Good thing you're not a plumber.

I'd be walking around with a toilet bowl
on my hand.

Fine.

I'll find someone...

...who'll appreciate it.

Pick a girl with a sense of humor

because she'll have
to enjoy a good joke.

Hey, Ma?

Am l now officially a troubled child
from a broken home?

No, your father will be back.

He was pretty steamed.

Trust me on this one.

Your father and l have
been together a long time.

l know what he's gonna do
before he does.

And he'll be back.

l know that in my heart.

You know, you're awful sweet, Mom.

And then I'll make him suffer.

Bartender, another drink, old buddy.

Don't call me that.
l hate being called that.

Don't get bent.

You know, you look familiar to me.
Have we met?

l don't think so.
I've been away a long time.

- Oh, prison?
- No, worse.

There were chicks, but you couldn't
touch them. Wanna hear about it?

No.

Another drink.

Don't you think you ought
to slow down now, tiger?

I'm having fun.

Annette says l can't have any fun.
Are you fun?

Honey, I'm an amusement park.

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

Mom.

Will you stop having
such a good time? It's annoying.

I've been told that.

l just think everything will turn out.

How do you know that?

l don't know. I'm just lucky, l guess.

l believe in happy endings.

Maybe you don't understand
exactly what went down today.

You and your husband,

my mother and father,

have separated.

Me and my fiancé have split up.

In less than six hours,
our lives have been shattered.

Any suggestions?

A pajama party!

Hey!

Zed! Zed, leave her alone!

Hey, that's my mother!
That's my mother!

Help! Help!

Get out of here, you boys!

Connie.

Can l ask you one question?

I've been waiting 20 years.

What the hell is a kahuna anyway?

ls it good to have a big one?

Why don't l ever learn?

Give him another drink.

- Another drink!
- Heavy on the fruit.

You know, l lived with a guy for years,
a real genius.

He could take a couple of coconuts,
a piece of string

and make a nuclear reactor.

But he couldn't fix a hole in a boat.

- You wanna hear the rest?
- No.

Maybe the Midwest is for me.

Dad went out that night and drank
enough Stunned Mullets

to kill a plow horse.

He's never been a big drinker.

You're about to see why.

All right, men, there's the clock!
Waves are crazy, come on!

Dude, dude, it's totally gnarly.

Mountain's Surf Report.
Zuma...

Whoa, dude, 8-foot faces,
offshore winds, bro!

Mountain's Surf Report.

Dume. Dume's totally maxed out.
Dude, get on your boards!

County Line, we've got 3 to 6.

Mountain's Surf Report.

Yo, Webby, Webby.
Dude, it's your mom.

l can't talk now. l gotta surf!

Sorry, ma'am, he's dead.

Malibu.

Malibu's not really happening now,
dude. Check me tomorrow, all right?

Hey, shine those spots, dude!
It's totally shredding right here!

Come on, dudes, let's crank it!

Oh, my head.

Hey, good morning.

Wrong.

- Am l dead?
- No.

l feel dead.

Where am l?

You're at my friend Mountain's place.

We tried to figure where to take you
last night, but you kept saying,

"Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh,
did l ever leave Ohio?"

What a damn good question.

Why did l leave?

l gotta get out of here.
l gotta go back to the hotel.

l gotta get out of these clothes.

l gotta find Annette.

Oh, l gotta...

l gotta...

What is that?

It's a little pick-me-up.

Keith Richards lives on these.

- Keith?
- Richards.

- Richards?
- The Rolling Stones.

Trust me.

l love it!

l feel great!

Oh, boy, am l forever in your debt.

Say, can l get you a used
Ford Fairlane or something?

No.

But would you mind if l married
your daughter?

It's you!

It's you!

Have you been sleeping
with my daughter?

Why don't you ask Sandi?

Because l can't break her legs.

Back in the Dark Ages,
when you were a teener,

you must've slept with Sandi's mom.

As a matter of fact,
only on our honeymoon.

Oh, l saw her yesterday,
and you must've tried.

Never!

- Come on.
- Well, maybe sometimes.

- I'm a guy.
- All right, all right!

Every waking minute.

There, that's better.

Now go swimming.

- No.
- Why not?

I've got my reasons.

Bobby!

- Yeah, Ma?
- What is that on your chest?

It's the bloody surf demon
on the beach of despair,

and l love it.

It represents my disgust toward
the world you grownups made,

and I'll never, never wash it off.

Well, l think it's so cute.

It's like one of those adorable Smurfs,
isn't it?

I'm going swimming.

What are you looking at?

ls that him? Michael?

Yeah, but now he's acting
as if we never even met.

Oh, Mom, l miss him.
What am l gonna do?

Well, l know what l would do.

It's the middle of the day.
We'd look a little silly in our pajamas.

Oh, not that,
but l like what you're thinking.

OK, I'm gonna paint you a picture.

l see this guy sitting over there.

And your father is sitting,

let's say, over here.

OK?

Now listen carefully, girls.
This is what l would do.

Nice setup.

It's good to see you again.

Sit, sit.

So, what were you saying?

l said, nice setup.

Oh, thank you.

You've got a nice setup yourself.

Wow, what a charming remark.

You really know how to talk to a gal.

Well,

l know women.

I've heard that a lot.

You really have a lot of nice stuff here.

Why, thank you.

You know what they say:

You can tell the men from the boys
by the price of their toys.

So, so...

...how's that little husband of yours?

Oh, let's not worry about him.

My name's Annette.

Troy.

Well, Troy, let's cut the small talk.

OK.

How'd you like to take me
out tonight?

Impress me by throwing
your money around...

...get me drunk and back to your place.

Wait. Wait a minute.

- Have we gone out before?
- No.

No?

Toodles.

Toodles?

Now, that's what l would've done
if your father had been there.

Would've driven him nuts.
He'd have walked up,

punched the guy
and then kissed me.

Possibly with an open mouth.

Are you sure about this?

Well, you were born, weren't you?

Well, Mom's theory was swell,

except Dad wasn't exactly
the two-fisted stud she remembered.

Good morning, tiger.

He hightailed it to Daddy O's
and Connie.

And how is Mr. Excitement
this morning, huh?

- You look like you've been...
- Connie dug Dad.

There wasn't anything
she wouldn't do for him.

How are you fixed for bread?

Oh, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

- That's bull. Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.

Mom?

Mom?

What does that mean, "Mom"?

Well, figure it out, tiger.

Can you add?

Oh, now, wait a second.

If you're his mom
and he's, like, 22,

that means he could be my...

Get real. We never did anything.

We didn't?

- No.
- l thought we did.

You mean, you can't remember
if we did anything or not?

Boy, you really know how
to flatter a girl, don't you?

l had Michael with my first husband,
Spud.

- Spud?
- Spud.

Spud.

Spud! Oh, Spud.

- Spud?
- Yes, and he was not square.

Spud? Oh, no.

You didn't marry Spud, did you?

Yeah. Come on,
you're ragging on my dad.

Oh, no, l didn't mean...
No, forgive me.

So you got this cherry bomb, right?

But you don't wanna be around
when it goes off,

because then you get blamed, right?

- Right?
- Right!

So dig.

You take this baby, and you
put the sucker in the women's john.

Three minutes later, bam!

Chicks flying everywhere.

You are a true genius.

- Yeah.
- l know that.

So, what do you say
we do some damage

to my dad's American Express card?

- All right.
- Yeah.

l really like this kid.

Now, look, man. I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna tell Sandi l was an idiot
and apologize.

Michael, Michael, wait a minute.

You're making a bigger mistake.

OK. So, what do l do?

Yeah, what's he gonna do?

I'll tell you what you do.
You trick them.

You convince them that
you're having the time of your life

while they're sitting there
depressed and miserable.

- Yeah!
- Cool idea!

Do you girls know how
to Jamaica ska?

Jamaica what?

Yeah, sure, Annette,
it's a required course at our college.

Well, do you know how
to Jamaica ska?

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

Do the ska

Not many people can cha-cha-cha

Not everybody can do the twist

But everybody can do the ska

It's the new dance you can't resist

Ska, ska, ska

Fun! Fun! We're having fun!

Now everybody can do the ska

It's a new dance that goes like this

Now bow your head

And swing your arms

Shake your hips

Now do a dip

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

Do the ska

Now bow your head

And swing your arms

We got it.

And shake your hips

Here we go.

Now do a dip

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

- Do the ska
- Hey, where you going?

We love you, Annette.

Not many people can cha-cha-cha

Not everybody can do the twist

But everybody can do the ska

It's the new dance that goes like this

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

Do the ska

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

Do the ska

When Mom got depressed, she sang.

When Dad got depressed,
he went back to selling.

And l mean anything on wheels.

Hey, dude.

Hey.

Believe this?

The heavens open,
everybody splits from the beach,

and l wind up making 18 bucks
for the day!

- All right, good work.
- Yeah, good work. 18 bucks?

l got socks that cost more than that.

Really? l think you got screwed
on that deal.

So this is what you do
for a living, huh?

Hey, all right.

l do this because l love it.

l don't do it for a living.

Too bad, they're good.

l mean, they look real good.

Not as good as the long, wooden
boards l used to ride, but...

Yeah, if you like riding around
on a coffee table.

I'll tell you what. You're all right.
You got some style.

- This looks like it'll be a beauty.
- Hey...

All right.

Bet you these would be easy to sell,
huh?

l can just see this.
Marketing is what it needs.

California, then we go nationwide.

- Why would l wanna do that?
- No,

- you're just gonna give them away?
- That's what l do.

l don't believe that.

Hey, listen, if l were a young guy who
was thinking about getting married,

I'd be thinking about
some extra bucks.

I'd be thinking about maybe a steady
job instead of being a deadbeat.

Yeah?

So l can become so involved
in making money

that l can totally ignore my family?

All right, kid, so you got a point.

But l just think that if you can make
money doing something you love...

l mean, people just dream
about that kind of thing.

Yeah?

Well...

How do we sell these?
l mean, if l want to.

- Selling?
- Yeah. Maybe.

- You're asking me about selling?
- Yeah.

Let me tell you, kid.
You've come to the right guy.

Let me tell you about selling.
We've got boards.

All kinds of boards.
Long boards, tall boards...

Michael, it's hard not to miss a woman

who's been in a good mood
for 22 years.

We gotta get together again.
I'm miserable without her.

Boy, back in the old days,
it was really something.

You know what we'd do?

We'd throw the biggest bonfire
on the beach,

slow dancing, moonlight.

I'd kiss Annette up against a rock.

We'd forgive each other.

No worries, no problems.
No winners, no losers.

That's it.

That's it, let's do it.
A big beach bash!

We've tried.
The harbor master we've got

won't allow any permits after dark.

No permit...

- ...no party.
- Michael, Michael.

l thought l taught you more
about salesmanship.

Tomorrow, we go and see
that Nazi harbor master.

We'll kick his butt.

No.

We see what a little
schmoozing can do.

You're the harbor master, right?

No, I'm the captain of The Love Boat.

Of course I'm the harbor master,
and don't tell me

you came here for a party permit.

Can't we get a permit?

l asked you not to tell me that.

See? Come on.

- Wait, wait. Flattery, flattery.
- Right.

You know, sir, putting those ships
in those bottles,

that's gotta take a lot of patience,
intelligence, skill and talent.

l bought this for a buck
from a 9-year-old girl.

Wow, shrewd. And thrifty too.

May l say, you're uncanny?

Yes. Well, l can't stand here all day
and chew the fat.

The yacht races are about to begin.

Interests, interests.

All right, OK.

So you like sailing, huh?

Like sailing? Like sailing?
Sailing is my life.

Would you believe that l own
the biggest yacht in the world?

l find that hard to believe.

Would you believe,
the biggest tugboat?

l don't think so.

How about a broken oar?

Sir, if l could just convince you
that this party will be good, clean fun...

No, no, there will be no beach parties.

- Sorry, about that.
- Forget parties. We don't want a party.

Yeah, we've polled all the seaside
communities trying to select the...

The...

...Harbor Master of the Year.

l won?

- Well...
- Missed it by that much?

No. You won. Yeah.

There's a trophy and a ceremony,

and we'd like you to say a few words.

Yes, well, l would like
to say a few words,

but l don't know what to say
except it's about time.

l can't believe it.

l can't believe they'd have a party
and not invite us.

l obviously haven't taught you a thing,
have l?

You did try to teach me how
to get my hair real stiff.

Then there was that
peanut-butter thing.

No, I'm talking serious men things.

This party is for us.

Your father wants to make up.
He's sending me a signal.

He burns things?

I'm really glad you guys came.

We haven't been introduced.

I'm Annette.

Sorry.

It's nice to finally meet you, Michael.

Yeah? Thanks.

So you surf, Michael?

Yeah.

Anything else?

No.

Yeah, there's something else.

l make and sell surfboards.

Best boards on the beach.

No, no. You make boards.
You don't sell them.

That's too straight for you,
remember?

Hey, l sold seven of them today.

Yeah, your dad told me little
something about responsibility.

If a guy's thinking about
getting married...

You know, l really like yours
and Sandi's place,

but l think I'm gonna want a little
privacy tonight, so I'm moving out.

You can have the place to yourself.

If you'll excuse me,

I've got to find my husband.

See you later, Mom.

You...

You look really pretty, Sandi.

Thank you.

Connie, l gotta tell you,
you got a great kid.

Yeah.

Guess l got lucky, huh?

What lucky? Are you kidding?
Don't give me that bad-girl jazz.

You got a good, clean heart.
You always have.

Well, maybe.

I'll tell you something. l sure would've
soiled it some for you, pal.

If it wasn't Annette, Connie,

it'd have been you.

- Thanks, Kahuna.
- Give me a smooch.

I'm so glad you came home.

How low can you go?

Yeah, how low can you go?

Hiya, hon! Some bash, huh?

You're looking special tonight,
which is a coincidence,

because l, too, am looking
special tonight.

Troy, do you surf?

Do l surf?

Do l surf? I'm sure!

Does Dolly Parton float?

Does Oprah Winfrey eat?

Does Michael Jackson
have flammable hair?

Do you ever shut up?

Come on.

Well, this is a terrific turnout
you've got here.

- What time does the ceremony begin?
- What ceremony?

Don't mind him. Surfer, boards.
Gets hit in the head a lot.

Hey, you look great!

Absolutely correct.

You'd better tell him.

- Again with the foot!
- Bridgette. Bridgette. Get Bridgette.

Well, now, about the ceremony.
When does it begin?

Well, you see, what happened was...

- There is no ceremony.
- Well...

- Exactly...
- No trophy?

This whole thing is a hoax.
l hate it! l hate it a lot!

l have been tricked,
and there is nothing,

nothing that you can do to stop
the pain and disappointment.

Hi.

- This helps.
- I'm Bridgette,

and you're too sexy for words.

Why don't we go somewhere
dark and quiet

but not too far for me
to scream for help.

She's got asthma.

What the hell, it's late.

l can't believe it. My wife.
l just cannot believe it!

l don't believe it either!
How do you explain it?

After all that surfing,
her hair, perfectly dry.

l made a bonfire. You're supposed
to know what it means

when l burn stuff!

l know what it means, and l thought
you know what it means too.

Until l saw you hugging
that woman again.

Oh, come on!
l wanna talk to you.

Hey, wait a minute there, shorty.

l don't think the lady
wants to go with you.

Shorty? You calling me "shorty"?

- You're in for a lot of trouble.
- I'm in a lot of trouble?

Your shoelace is untied.

How very, very mature.

You are so stupid!

Stupid? You wanna talk stupid?

He's not even wearing shoes.

All right, that's it. I've had enough.

You can have him if you want him.

I'd like to have him,
but l do have one rule, you know.

l don't want anybody
that doesn't want me.

Oh, please. Every time l turn around,

he's got you cornered
like a Marine on R and R.

Nettie, please.
You know as well as l do,

l never get the good guy.
I'm the bad girl, remember?

Besides, every time he's got me
cornered, he's talking about you.

This guy loves you so much.

If l were a goody two-shoes like you,

l would get my ass over there
and get that guy.

You know, I've always sort
of wanted to be the bad girl.

Impossible.

But I'll tell you something.

You sure have wasted
an incredible pair of hooters.

You're looking pretty gloomy
there, tiger.

Well, from stupid to gloomy,
at least it's a step up.

Come on, honey.

According to my scorecard,
we're just about even now.

Did you say "even"?

Yeah. No winners.

- No losers.
- Yeah.

Annette.

You know, l been thinking about us.

All the good times
we used to have here.

l mean, we used to have a hell
of a lot of fun on this beach.

Oh, honey, we still can.

Come on, you guys!

That's enough. The show is over.

Well, everybody's heard
About the bird

Bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird
The bird's the word

Well, the bird, bird
The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird
The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird
Bird is the word

Well, don't you know
About the bird?

Well, everybody knows
That the bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird
The bird's the word

Surfing bird

Bird, bird, bird
The bird's the word

The bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird
Bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird
The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird
The bird's the word

The bird, bird, bird
The bird's the word

The bird, bird, bird
The bird's the word

Well, don't you know
About the bird?

Well, everybody's talking
About the bird

Well, the bird, the bird
It's for sure the word

Surfing bird

Come on, what's the word?

Everybody!

Clap your hands.

Gnarly!

Radical!

Surfing bird!

That's the word!

Don't you know
About the bird?

Everybody knows
That the bird is the word

Well, surfing bird

Hang ten!

Oh, wipeout!

Hang nine!

Tubular!

Hey, dude.

Bitchin'.

- Yeah!
- Bye, Pee-Wee!

Wipeout!

Boy, great dinner!

Here we go again.

Dinner and now the surf story.

l don't get it, dude.
All the time you've been here,

- you haven't been in the ocean once.
- Yeah.

No, l don't go in the ocean anymore.

Yeah, but you were the hottest surfer
on the beach. l mean,

- you were the Big Caboose.
- "Kahuna".

Which is extra cool because you look
like an Italian loan shark.

Well, it doesn't make any sense.

Nobody just decides not to surf again.

It's like deciding
not to breathe anymore.

You better tell them the surf story.

All right, l will.

l know all of you have heard

of the Humunga Cowabunga
From Down Under.

No.

Well, let me tell you what it is.

It's this huge, enormous wave
that rolls in from Australia,

- and it's so big that...
- Annette, Annette, Annette.

This is my story.

And you tell it well. Just speed it up.

OK, thanks.

Now, you see, this one particular day,
I'm out in the break.

The weather is absolutely crummy.

I'm all alone. Then suddenly,
black clouds start to gather.

l hear this rumble.
l look over my shoulder,

and l see, on the horizon,

the biggest mother wave
l have ever seen in my entire life.

He gets up on it, but it's too big.
It closes over him.

Smash! It's the biggest wipeout
anyone's ever seen.

He washes up on the beach,

and we thought he was dead.

He was in a coma for weeks,

and he never surfed again.

End of story.

Thanks, honey.

l think they get the point.

But that's because you tell it so well.

Eat sand lame-o's.

Bobby, you get down from there
right this instant!

My name isn't Bobby anymore. I've got
my gang name. Call me "Surly".

Shirley? Your name is Shirley?

Bobby is a tougher name than Shirley.

Not Shirley, it's Surly. Surly!

God. Man, I'm changing my
gang name. My new gang name is...

...Knife. Call me "Knife".

Nice? You want us
to call you "Nice"? OK.

Nice hairstyle, Nice.

It's not Nice. It's not Nice!

Man, just forget it. Call me "Bobby".

Bobby, you're getting mixed up
with the wrong crowd here.

- He's more than mixed up with us.
- That's right.

I'm president of the wrong crowd.

We elected him this morning
after we bought these bikes

- with your credit card.
- Yeah!

Hey, Zed.

You're not invited to this party.

Well, that's why I'm here,
septic breath.

Hold me back, Sandi.

I'm stopping this party!

You and your people
are on my beach!

- And l am God here, right?
- Yeah!

All right, all right, wait a second.
This has become a territorial dispute.

Why don't we settle it
like we used to do

back in the good old days, huh?

We'll surf for it.
Winner takes the beach.

- You get your best guy.
- That's me.

- Against our best guy.
- Yeah! Who's our best guy?

- You!
- Oh, yeah, right.

OK, cool.
Tomorrow morning, dude.

- I'm gonna thrash your butt.
- Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.

- Until then, this is our beach!
- Yeah!

- Let's ride, guys!
- Yeah!

Buckle up!

Mike. Michael, you gotta
win big tomorrow.

What's the matter?

That must hurt.

It does!

- Well, now what are we gonna do?
- OK, folks.

This surf-off is going
to consist of three rides.

And the contestants are gonna
be judged by style and originality.

And the winner and their friends
are gonna have

the right to the entire beach.

Well, you must represent darkness,
evil and godless communism.

You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.

Where's Michael?

Well, due to an unfortunate
circumstance,

you're going to be competing
with Robin.

Robin?

She can't even swim!

Go figure.

This is gonna be a very,
very short contest.

No, it won't!

It's the Big Potato!

That's "Kahuna"!

You're putting me on.

You're not a surfer anymore.

You live in Ohio. You sell Fords.

What are you gonna ride, a Mustang?

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about this?

That's not a board.

It's a pier.

Dad, you'll get killed on that.
A lot!

Bobby, get over here now,
and l mean now, mister,

or I'm gonna pull your
little lips off.

Yipes!

Now sit down and shut up!

You know, you're crazy, old man.

Oh, yeah? Well let me tell you a story.

You see, l used to be...

The primo surfer in the whole state,
the Big Kahuna.

He's ridden waves
they wouldn't photograph.

If he does this today, it'll give him
back his pride, his courage,

the respect of his son
and put the zip back in his marriage.

- Thanks, gang.
- Or he might die.

OK, let's see how good
you really are.

All right.

Let the games begin.

All right!

Are you sure you're OK?

I'm fine, honey.

All l need is a nice, few waves
out there that are nice and quiet and...

l gotta go home.

Oh, no. You can do it.
l know you can.

- Go get them, Kahuna.
- Hey, wait up!

- Hey!
- Careful.

Listen, you gotta remember:

Stay in your crouch
until the wave tells you to get up.

And lead the board.
Don't let the board lead you.

And l promise, I'll raise Bobby
as if he were my own son.

Go get them, Dad.

- Kahuna!
- Kahuna! Kahuna!

Stay in your pouch.
Stay in your crouch.

Get to the close to the board?
What'd he say? l forgot!

l guess this was a bad idea.

Well, Jer, it was well-performed.
The ending was exciting and original.

l give it an eight. Thumbs up.

Well, as usual, Tony, l totally disagree.

l found the entire ride
stiff and uninspired.

The ending was anticlimactic.

l gave it a six. Thumbs down.
It made me wanna leave the beach.

If he won't take a wave, we can't win.

Well,

maybe he's just waiting
for a bigger one.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no.

l don't believe it.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God. It can't be.

Mom, what is it?

- It's the Humunga Cowabunga...
- From Down Under.

Holy shit!

Dude! Come in!
You gonna get messed up!

You're gonna eat dirt from China.

Come in, dude!

Dude, you're crazy!

You're gonna get killed!

I've gotta go after him!

- No, Michael, you can't!
- He'll get wiped!

But I'm the reason he's out there!

Somebody do something!

It's too late!

Cowabunga!

Go, Pop, go!

Come on, Dad! Come on!

Yeah! Yeah!

Come on!

All right!

What a guy! l could've done that.

That's the ride we hoped for
on the Big Kahuna's comeback.

- l give that ride an unqualified ten!
- l couldn't agree more, Tony.

The Big Kahuna is back.

l also gave him a ten on that last run.

Well, folks, here you have it.

- The winner and still the Big Crapola!
- "Kahuna"!

Gee, Dad turned out to be pretty cool
and was my new hero.

Mom was even happier than usual,

and Sandi and Michael decided
on a Christmas wedding.

l decided a hair helmet
was the look for me.

Thank you.

And who said you can never
go home again?

It wasn't me.

- Go, Zed, go! Oh, yeah!
- All right, Zed!

Do you worry about tomorrow?

Will it be as good as yesterday?

l just look in your direction

Then I'm glad for what we have today

What l like about a love song

ls that you never can wear it out

You and l are like a love song

In the end, we always work it out

So we go on forever

So let the world go crazy

We never had this much fun
on the island l was...

l don't suppose you want
to hear about it.

I'd love to. It sounds fascinating.

And again and again

Some things live forever

And again and again

We live on

We have made a million memories

Each a shining diamond in my mind

What l like about the future

Are the memories
That we're gonna find

So we go on forever

So that's the whole story.
l just thank God it's all over.

l think you're very brave.

l know l just met you,
but l love you.

- Would you be my main squeeze?
- l never thought you'd ask.

- We've got to shove off, little buddy.
- No, not you. Not now!

I'm sorry, it's time to go.

Now, we'll be back real soon.
It's only a three-hour tour.

It's never a three-hour tour.

Come on, little buddy, let's go.

- l still remember, baby
- Some things live forever

l still remember

- l still remember, baby
- Some things live forever

Are we the corniest couple
you've ever seen or what?