Back to School (1986) - full transcript
Millionaire businessman Thornton Melon is upset when his son Jason announces that he is not sure about going to college. Thornton insists that college is the best thing he never had for himself, and to prove his point, he agrees to enroll in school along with his son. Thornton is a big hit on campus: always throwing the biggest parties, knowing all the right people, but is this the way to pass college?
Thorny.
You call this a report card?
What kind of marks is this?
How you gonna go to college?
I don't wanna go.
I wanna work with you.
You wanna work with me?
Listen to me.
I say this once and I say it again.
However rich or successful a man is,
if he don't got an education,
he's got nothing.
- I tried, Pop. I can't do it.
- Then try harder.
You can do anything in life
you wanna do.
Remember. You're a Meloni.
Hi. Are you a large person? Pleasantly
plump? A little on the hefty side?
Or, let's face it, are you fat?
When you go jogging,
do you leave potholes?
At the zoo, do elephants
throw you peanuts?
Do you look at a menu and say "OK!"?
Well, eat all you want because Melon's
Tall & Fat stores have got you covered.
Fine woolen and woolen-blend suits
and sport coats in all the larger sizes.
Husky, stout, extra stout.
And the new Hindenburg line.
And for you ladies
we have caftans
and our own exclusive A-frame
in all colors and patterns.
We have miles and miles of fabric.
Take it from me, Thornton Melon,
to look thin,
you hang out with fat people.
Thornton Melon's Tall & Fat.
150 locations across America.
- Lou, you seen the new spot?
- I seen it.
- Do I look fat in it?
- You could lose a couple of pounds.
I need bigger actors.
How are you?
Ophelia, hold some of my calls.
Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.
- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.
Take it easy, will you?
Don't get any on the walls.
OK, folks, what's up?
Mr. Melon, we have
a serious offer on your
commercial property in South Florida.
- We feel you should sell.
- Hold it for one more year.
Take the depreciation then transfer
title to the California Corporation.
Show it as a capital gain.
We should do great.
What else?
The toy division has a new doll idea
to go with our children's clothing.
We call them Melon Patch Kids.
Now the competition exploits the notion
that their dolls are orphans.
The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans.
They're abandoned.
- We think it's a winner.
- Go with it.
Keep the cost under five bucks.
We took a bath
on those Chubby Tubby Tub Toys.
- Jason's on the phone.
- Jason! OK, everybody, take a break.
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Melon,
but we have a very long agenda.
- Later. My son's on the phone.
- But Mr. Melon...
Beat it.
Jason, how you doing?
How's the diving going?
It's great.
We just finished our practice.
Keep it up. And the fraternity?
I'll bet you're having fun.
What do you think?
Yeah, it's great.
Good, that's great.
Hey, you're not doing too much?
- You're studying?
- Right now we're between semesters.
So classes don't start
for another week.
No classes?
Then come home. Your mother and I
are having a fifth anniversary party.
Whoa, Dad.
She's not my mother, she's your wife.
And she doesn't want me around.
OK, let's not start that again.
- I'll come up there to see you.
- No. Bad, bad idea.
I got this big dive meet.
I gotta practice.
I wouldn't have time to see you.
OK, I understand.
Look, I promise I'll come down and visit
next break I get, all right?
- I gotta go, OK?
- OK, Jason. Take care of yourself.
- I love you.
- I love you too. All right. Bye-bye.
Melon, I told you to clean my locker.
If it's too much,
we'll get a new towel boy.
I'm sorry, Chas. I'll get onto it, OK?
Home, sweet home.
- I liked the old house better.
- So did I.
I liked the old wife better too.
Lay off Vanessa.
She gives great headache.
Lou, I can't believe it. Married
five years. Seems like yesterday.
You know how lousy yesterday was.
Please don't throw your clothes
on the Breuer chair.
How come all our furniture has names?
I have absolutely nothing to wear.
You got six closets full of
nothing to wear.
- Are you saying I spend too much money?
- You, too much money? No.
Lots of people go to Switzerland
to get their watch fixed.
You have no taste, Thornton.
Right. I married you.
No time to argue.
Our friends will be here soon.
Your friends.
They are my friends
and I'd like to keep them.
So behave yourself.
If the roast beef is right,
they'll be back.
- Jennifer, you look divine.
- Thank you.
And Peter! I thought you were still
in Portofino. Why haven't you called?
- She's a lovely girl.
- Oh, yes, she is.
Ramon, you look fantastic.
I thought you were still in Tijuana.
- Excuse me, señor?
- Nothing, sorry. Give me a beer.
I'm sorry, señor.
All we have is martinis and Champagne.
My own house, I can't get a beer.
Mrs. Melon gave strict orders.
No cerveza.
It's all right. I'll get it myself.
- Ancora!
- Ti voglio!
Hey! Adam and Evil.
Hey... Mr. Melon.
We were just
looking for some cocktail napkins.
Where, under her dress?
- You're impossible.
- And you're easy.
I love Klimt. Don't you?
Mr. Melon!
Your wife was showing us her Klimt.
You too, huh?
She's shown it to everybody.
She's very proud of it.
I'm proud of mine
but don't wave it about.
- It's an exceptional painting.
- Oh, the painting. Uh, yeah.
Drink up. Enjoy yourselves.
I hate small food, you know?
What's he doing?
Waiter, come here, will you?
Put your hand there.
I learned this in Europe.
Look at that. Coming through. Hot stuff.
Thornton, meet
Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.
Oh, right.
- How do you do?
- Thornton...
How are you doing?
- Hi there, sir. How are you?
- Not too bad, thank you.
No, I got my own. It's all right.
Millicent, you look charming.
I love your dress.
Don't you, Thornton?
It's such a lovely shade of green.
Yeah, if that dress had pockets,
you'd look like a pool table.
You should try my Tall & Fat stores.
No offence.
May I speak to you privately, please?
Watch my sandwich, will you?
I can't take any more. You've insulted
our friends, you've insulted... me.
- You're set on ruining this party.
- Party? It's a dog show out there.
Your friends come for free booze
and to suck up to you for donations.
You have no class, Thornton,
and I'm tired of it.
- I want a divorce.
- I knew we had something in common.
Here. Sign these.
Oh! Oh, I'm afraid
it's not gonna be that easy, honey.
This is gonna cost you. Plenty.
Oh, yeah? Vanessa,
let's talk about class.
Here's you and Giorgio
in the guest room.
You and Giorgio in the rumpus room.
Another classy one.
This one, I can't figure out. There's
you, Giorgio, what's with the midget?
That one... Hey, wait! I got more.
- What happened?
- What happened? I got rid of Vanessa.
I feel like I got paroled.
I'll tell you what bothers me.
I let her come between me and Jason.
Lou, pack our bags.
We're going to that college,
to see my son.
♪ It's your life
and I'm not gonna live it
♪ A change is coming and it's overdue
♪ I'm gonna take you over the limit
♪ You know I'm only
looking out for you
♪ I get lucky, I get lucky
♪ And I'll see you get lucky too...
Boy, will Jason be surprised!
There's Greek letters.
That must be the house.
♪ Hold on baby,
I'm taking you back to school
♪ When logic has gone,
don't lose your head
♪ You just turn to me instead
♪ Hold on, baby,
now here we go back to school
♪ Here we go ♪
- Is that an omega or a unicorn?
- Don't you know any Greek?
The only Greek I know
owns a coffee shop, Jimmy.
He had an ugly wife,
four ugly kids and good coffee.
Wait here. I'll try this one.
Hello! Hello!
Anybody here?
Jason, where are you?
Hey, I need some help here!
Hey, buddy, I'm talking to you.
Take it easy, honey,
I didn't see a thing.
You're perfect.
Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon.
It was an honest mistake.
- Let's call it a bad day.
- But a great view.
You're all right, officer.
Here, a little something for the kids.
- I don't have any kids.
- Here, get yourself some. Take it all.
Just remember,
the best thing about kids is making 'em.
Even if I do manage to graduate,
what then?
There's the private sector,
but look how bad the job market is.
- There's Valerie Desmond.
- See you guys.
Look how tight her ass is today.
Man, do you think there's any way
she would ever go out with me?
- Hmmmm... No.
- Oh, thanks.
It's this whole stupid
capitalist system.
It's set up to reward
the advantaged and the aggressive
and make sure two regular schmos
like you and me
never get to date girls
like Valerie.
I hate the whole bourgeois mentality
of this school.
Do you make this bullshit up as you go
or do you read it?
No, I read this. It's Karl Marx's
famous Proletarian Chicks In Bondage,
a Condom House book with a leather hood.
- With pictures? Can I borrow it?
- Let's move on.
- Right up.
- Yeah, well, you know...
Aah!
Dad, uh, what are you doing here?
I'm robbing your room, that's what.
We drive 300 miles to see him,
that's the greeting we get. Come here!
Hey, I'm sorry. I'm glad to see you
but I wish I'd known you were coming.
I'll bet. The fraternity house said
you weren't a member.
- I can explain.
- And you're not on the diving team.
- You're the towel boy.
- I can explain that.
- OK, explain it.
- I lied.
Great, that explains it.
You don't lie to me.
You lie to girls.
Who's this?
Sorry, this is my roommate, Derek Lutz.
This is the dad and this is Lou.
- That your real hair?
- What do you think?
I think you're trying to
get back at your parents.
Show me the campus.
I wanna talk to you.
Oh, good.
Boy, what a great-looking place.
When I dreamed of going to college,
this is how I pictured it.
When did you dream of going to college?
When I used to fall asleep
in high school.
I know how much this means to you.
Sorry I lied.
You don't have to lie.
I'll love you just the same.
- You'll love me no matter what?
- No matter what.
- I'm dropping out.
- You're dropping out?
You just got here. You just started.
But I don't fit in. I got one friend,
Derek. He's got no friends.
The girls don't like me,
the fraternities don't want me,
the diving coach won't talk to me.
At least you're getting an education.
Last semester I got nothing but Cs.
A, B, C... in the top three.
Nothing to worry about.
I think I'd be better off getting a job.
You never went to college.
You're doing great.
I said it before and I'll say it again.
However rich or successful a man is,
without an education, he's nothing.
Stay in school, study harder.
You can be whatever you want.
You wanna be a loser, be a loser.
Jason, it's up to you. You can do it.
Remember, you're a Melon.
That's easy for you to say.
You don't have to do it.
OK, I'll do it with you.
- What do you mean?
- I mean just what I said.
I'm going to college.
What do you think?
I think you're nuts.
Nuts? Who made the rules?
I'm going to college.
Let me get this straight, Mr. Melon.
You wish to enter this esteemed
Grand Lakes University of ours
as a freshman?
That's right, Dean Martin.
- Are you comfortable?
- Oh, I'm fine, yes.
Oh, the chair. Oh, I'm sorry.
This is an awkward moment
for me, Mr. Melon,
since I realize you're
a highly respected member
of our business community.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Our student body
here is hand-picked by me
from the crème de la crème of students
all across this great land.
- That's one of the things I like here.
- Yes.
Since you have no high school diploma,
and no transcripts of any kind,
no SAT scores,
and you're 30 to 40 years older
than our average freshman,
how can this university see its way
clear to accept you as a student?
As Coolidge said,
"The business of America is business."
And the business of an educational
institution such as ours
is to create young minds that understand
that the business of America is the kind
of business that it actually is.
So whatever it is that
I have said here today...
The point is that we are here to honor
our most generous benefactor,
and newest freshman,
the man who's made it possible for us
to break ground here today,
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Dean Martin, great speech.
Nothing like good, clean business, huh?
And a little monkey business!
Ah, Philip!
I'm so glad you could make it.
Mr. Melon, I'd like you to meet
Dr. Philip Barbay,
I want it on record
that I'm totally against this.
I don't think that selling admission
to an unqualified student
is very ethical or honorable.
Oh, right, Phil, but I'd just like to
say in all fairness to Mr. Melon,
it was a really big check.
It's a simple matter of this man
undermining the efforts
of our legitimate students,
- who are here as a result of hard work.
- Hard work?
Listen, Sherlock, while you were tucked
away working on your ethics,
I was busting my hump in the real world.
Guys like you got a place to teach
'cause guys like me donate buildings.
I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon.
I don't think Dr. Barbay understands
the actual amounts involved here.
Mr. Melon,
will you take the ceremonial shovel?
- Thank you.
- And dig into the symbolic verge.
I hereby dedicate
this building to...
...myself!
Dad, it's like we talked about.
Sign up for whatever interests you.
We got to get in the astronomy line
before it closes.
Hi!
Look at this.
This is worse than the track.
- Want me to move some people?
- No, this is college.
- Let me think.
- What are you gonna do?
Come on, I got an idea.
- Did you get everything?
- I got the Latin, and the Sanskrit.
But they cancelled Ancient Greek,
blew my dead languages motif.
What are you looking at?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh!
You OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
- I'm upset because they closed Botany.
- Those bastards.
Well, I'm not that upset.
Well, I won't be
if I get into Astronomy.
You wanna cut in the line with us?
We're waiting.
- Yes, yes, I would.
- Great. All right.
This is Derek.
Hi.
- I'm Valerie Desmond.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm Jason... Melon.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, Valerie.
- Hi.
- God, you look great.
- Thanks.
Are you taking
Astronomy too?
I guess. I don't want to.
I'm a Business major.
- Mm-hm.
- But they want us to take a science.
- Do you mind if I sneak in line?
- Oh...
Actually, these guys were nice enough
to let me in, so it's up to them.
Melon, buddy. What do you say?
Let me in, OK?
I don't think so, Osbourne!
Melon, your friend. Straighten him out.
Chas, there's a lot of people waiting.
It wouldn't be fair.
If you got a note from
each and every one of these people
saying it was all right,
then we'd reconsider.
But until that day, take a hike,
you elitist fraternity scumbag.
I won't forget this, Melon.
- I'll see you at the pool. Bye.
- Bye.
Thank you. I'm dead.
You're not gonna believe this.
Come on! I'm not kidding!
Where is he?
I don't know. I'm supposed to
pick him up here.
- When?
- Now!
Come on, let's register.
- You guys got everything you need?
- We got it.
- Why used books?
- What's wrong with used books?
- They've been read.
- Yeah, and underlined, get it?
The last guy could have been a maniac.
Hey, get these guys some new books.
Charge me. Pick a card.
Then I'll take a four school sweaters,
a bunch of pennants,
some of those beer mugs,
a few of these fuzzballs you cheer with.
Hey, folks, it's on me!
Shakespeare for everyone.
You too, honey.
I'd like to tame your shrew!
- Who is that?
- That is Mr. Thornton Melon.
The world's oldest living freshman.
And the walking epitome
of the decline of education.
The clod thinks he can buy
his way out of the gutter.
- He was just having fun.
- Oh, really?
I can't wait to get him in my class.
- We'll see how much fun he is.
- Oh, Philip.
Hey, Mr. M. You're all set.
We've been working all night.
Thanks, Buzzy, I appreciate it.
Add a few hundred to the bill.
Throw a party.
You know what you got, Mr. Melon?
You got class.
It rubbed off from you, Buzzy.
Say hello to Sonia for me.
Hey, I want to talk to you about
my schedule. We'll go over it later.
Well, boys, what do you think?
A hot tub!
How can you study
if you're not relaxed?
- When's our first class?
- Economics tomorrow at eleven.
I got a massage at eleven.
Tell them to make it two o'clock.
No, Dad, you don't get it.
They're not gonna reschedule classes
around your massage.
All right. But I'm gonna talk
to that Dean.
These classes could be
a real inconvenience.
All right, settle down, people.
We've got a lot to cover,
and time is short.
There are two kinds of people
in business, the quick and the dead.
So rather than waste your time
this semester
we're jumping in with both feet
and create a fictional company
from the ground up.
We'll construct our physical plant,
we'll set up an efficient
administrative and executive structure,
then we'll manufacture our product
and market it.
I think you'll find it
interesting and fun.
So let's start by looking at
construction costs of our new factory.
What's the product?
That is immaterial for the purposes
of our discussion
but if it makes you happy,
let's say we're making tape recorders.
Tape recorders, are you kidding?
The Japs will kill us
on the labor costs.
OK, fine.
Then let's just say they're widgets.
- What's a widget?
- It's a fictional product.
It doesn't matter.
- Tell that to the bank.
- Take it easy. It's the first day.
On the board, you see a cost analysis
for construction
of a 30,000-square-foot facility
which will encompass factory
and office space
and is serviced by all utilities,
a railroad spur line
and a four-bay shipping dock.
Hold on. Why build?
Better to lease at a buck and a half
a square foot.
Take a down payment and put it into CDs
or something you can roll over.
Thank you, Mr. Melon.
We'll be concentrating on finance
a little later in the term.
For the time being, let's just
concentrate on the construction figures.
The bottom line requires
the factoring in of
not just the material
and construction costs
but also the architect's fees
and the cost of land servicing.
Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.
Oh, really?
Like what, for instance?
First of all, you've got to grease
the local politicians
for the sudden zoning problems
that always come up.
Then there's kickbacks
to the carpenters.
If you plan on using cement,
the Teamsters will want a chat,
and that will cost you.
And don't forget something
for the building inspectors.
Then there's the long-term costs,
such as waste disposal.
Are you familiar with who runs
that business? It's not the boy scouts.
That's enough, Mr. Melon.
Maybe bribes, kickbacks and mafia
pay-offs are how you do business,
but they are not part
of the legitimate business world
and certainly are not part
of anything I am teaching in this class.
Do I make myself clear?
Sorry, just trying to help.
Now, notwithstanding Mr. Melon's input,
the next question for us
is where to build our factory.
How about Fantasyland?
- My first class. I did good, huh?
- You'd better cool it with Dr. Barbay.
Dr. Barbay don't know dick.
He tells it like it ain't.
You know what he can do? Flunk you.
Flunk me? Flunk him.
Great attitude.
Do you know where your next class is?
Contemporary American History.
Professor Terguson.
- Terguson?
- You know him? Is he good?
Well, he's committed.
In fact, I think he was.
Just keep your head down
and your mouth shut.
Welcome... to Contemporary
American History.
I'm Professor Terguson.
A lot of people think history
is just facts,
it's just information about the past.
But not me.
I hold history very sacred. Sacred.
The way the farmer
holds the earth sacred.
The way a Christian
holds the Bible sacred.
The way people
hold their marriage sacred.
That's how I feel about it.
So let's dive right in by interpreting
one of the easiest events
in the last 20 years
of American history.
Can someone tell me why, in 1975,
we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?
The failure of Vietnamization
to win popular support
caused an ongoing erosion of confidence
in the various American
but illegal Saigon regimes.
Is she right?
That's the popular version
of what went on.
A lot of people believe that.
I wish I could, but I was there.
I wasn't in a classroom,
hoping I was right, thinking about it,
I was up to my knees in rice paddies,
with guns,
going up against Charlie,
slugging it out with him
while pussies like you
were back here partying,
putting headbands on, doing drugs,
listening to Beatle albums.
Professor, take it easy, will you?
These kids, they were in grade school
at the time, and me...
I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
Well, I didn't know you wanted to
get involved with
the discussion, Mr. Helper.
Since you want to help,
maybe you can help me.
Remember that thing we had 30 years ago
called the Korean Conflict?
Yeah? Where we failed
to achieve victory?
How come we didn't cross
the 38th parallel
and push those rice-eaters
back to the Great Wall of China
and take it apart brick by brick
and nuke them back into the Stone Age?
How come? Why? Say it! Say it!
All right. I'll say it.
'Cause Truman was too much of a wimp
to let MacArthur go in there
and blow out those commie bastards!
Good answer. Good answer.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna be watching you.
He's a good teacher.
He really seems to care.
About what, I have no idea.
He was all right.
Buddy, be my guest. Here's a pen.
Boys, here's some pens
in case you learn how to write.
- I know you.
- Yeah? Here's a pen.
You do those obnoxious commercials.
You're Tall & Fat!
You're short and ugly.
Give me the pen back.
Honey, here's a pen.
Boys, how are you?
"And Gibraltar is a girl
for I was a flower of the mountain
Yes when I put the rose in my hair
like the Andalusian girls used
Shall I wear red yes
And he kissed me under
the Moorish wall and I thought
Well as well him as another
And then I ask him with my eyes
to ask again yes
And then he asked me would I yes
to say yes my mountain flower
And first I put my arms around his
And drew him down to me so he could feel
my breasts all perfumed yes
And his heart was going like mad
and yes I said, yes I will, yes."
Yes! Yes!
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
I think Joyce is pretty hot too.
Now I have your attention,
I'll run down the reading list.
See what else turns you on.
What a woman!
Dad, she is the teacher.
I like teachers. Do something wrong,
they make you do it over again.
Shouldn't you
take some notes?
Yeah, yeah.
I gave away all my pens.
I'm sorry, I need this back.
Here's a calendar for you.
- Hi.
- Hello, Mr. Melon.
- Are you waiting for me?
- Yes.
I'm only a freshman,
but why don't we have dinner tonight?
We can talk about Joyce.
She's my favorite writer.
You're not the usual freshman,
but I can't.
I'm sort of going with someone.
- Where are you going?
- That's a good question.
I'd like to join you,
but I have class tonight.
How about tomorrow?
I have class then too.
Why don't you call me sometime
when you have no class?
All right. Maybe I will.
Hello, Philip.
What did he want?
Oh, what do all men want?
You to dress up as Wonder Woman,
tie him up and force him
to tell the truth?
No, just dinner, Philip.
Are you jealous of Thornton Melon?
Certainly not.
I've been doing
a great deal of thinking.
I've been thinking... about us.
- And?
- And I think...
...we should start thinking about
forming a...
...well, a...
- A merger?
- A merger, exactly. A merger.
A partnership.
Seriously, Diane.
We're both educated, intelligent adults.
We should be together.
Incorporated, if you will.
Look at the balance sheet.
We were made for one another.
Philip, darling.
I don't want to be merged
or incorporated.
I want to have fun
and be romanced and loved.
So let's not rush into anything.
Let's just start by having fun, OK?
Hey, how are ya? What's happening?
A lot of people are talking
about your dad.
What's happening?
Hey, boys! How are you doing?
I wonder why.
Um... they have lockers.
You could have changed here.
I don't change in front of guys.
Next, you're showering with them.
And next, you're pinned to
a sophomore named Chip.
- Come on, let's go.
- I'll see you later.
That was pretty good.
Next time, hold the pike
a little longer.
Wait a minute. I'll be right down.
Not bad.
All right. Let's see one more.
- Like I showed you.
- All right, got it.
What's a guy your age
doing with these kids?
I'm looking for
the fountain of middle age.
What's your story?
I'm setting a new record for the most
consecutive losses by a diving coach.
Remember, hold that pike longer.
- He your kid?
- Yeah.
- Who coached him in high school?
- Yours truly.
Where did you learn diving?
Atlantic City. Steel Pier.
I was in a water show.
- I used to open for the Diving Horse.
- You're kidding. I'm from Jersey.
I spent my life on that pier growing up.
There was a guy did the most amazing
dive, called the Triple Lindy.
Hardest dive I ever saw. Who was that?
- Yours truly.
- You're kidding.
I don't joke about dives.
Especially that. It almost killed me.
Boy, you were something else.
- Can your kid do that dive?
- Nobody can. It's too dangerous.
He tried out for the team last semester.
He wasn't that good.
Not that good, huh? Watch this.
Jason, do the two and a half.
Not bad.
My man Melon. Come on, there's
a pep rally for the football team.
What is this?
Me, Standish and Redding,
we're doing an anti-pep rally.
Violent ground acquisition games
such as football is, in fact,
a crypto-fascist metaphor
for nuclear war.
It sounds like a lot of laughs but
I'm supposed to meet my dad and study.
Well, if you change your mind, pal,
you know where to find me.
If I change my mind,
I'll seek psychiatric help.
Excuse me. What is the Oort system,
and what does it tell us?
Uh... What? I'm sorry.
Astronomy, chapter two.
Oh, Oort. Oort.
Oort was this scientist
and he figured out that
the smeared-out density of matter
can be no greater
than the solar mass per cubic parsec...
You look thrilled. It's not my theory.
Thanks. That helps a lot.
Listen, I was just wondering.
Would you do my Astronomy homework
for the rest of the semester?
There you go.
Hi, Mr. Melon.
Call me Thornton.
How about joining me
and my friend over there?
Your friend looks a little strange.
Who, Lou? Lou's an animal.
In his family, he's only the second
generation to stand up straight.
What lovely girls. How would you like
a life of luxury and deceit?
- Come on, join us in a beer, OK?
- OK.
OK.
Girls, this is Lou.
Lou, these are girls.
Two! One, two!
Wow!
♪ Shake it up, baby
- ♪ Twist and shout
- ♪ Twist and shout
- ♪ Come on, come on, come on, baby
- ♪ Come on, baby
♪ Just come and work it on out
♪ Work it on out
- ♪ Work it on out
- ♪ Work it on out...
Honey, come here.
Two more glasses for the girls.
Bring a pitcher of beer every
seven minutes till somebody passes out
and then bring one
every ten minutes. Right?
You know, I thought we were just gonna
go to the planetarium and look at stars.
I had no idea this was
gonna be astrophysics.
It's not that hard. You'll get it.
It's not hard for you,
because you're smart.
You're smart too.
Yeah, but you're smart smart.
Do you study at the library every night?
No, I was meeting Dad there,
but he's at the dorm.
♪ Aaaaah
- ♪ Aahh
- ♪ Aahhh
♪ Aaaaaah, shake it up, baby
♪ Shake it up, baby
- ♪ Twist and shout
- ♪ Twist and shout
♪ Come on, come on, come on, baby
- ♪ Come on, baby
- ♪ Come on and work it on out
♪ Work it on out
♪ You gotta twist it on out
Lower, baby, lower.
Hey, guys, let me see some ID.
Whoo, not that low, baby!
♪ Come on and twist little closer...
To the left, baby, to the left...
That's the spot, baby, hold it,
hold it. Oh, you are there!
♪ Shake it, shake it, shake it,
shake it, baby
♪ Come on and shake it,
shake it, shake it, shake it, baby
♪ Shake it, baby, shake it out
- ♪ Shake it
- ♪ Aaahhhh
- ♪ Shake it
- ♪ Aaaahhhh
- ♪ Shake!
- ♪ Aaaah ♪
OK, buddy.
Jason, what are you doing here?
Whoa, what am I doing?
What are you doing?
- We were supposed to study.
- The library. I know.
Hey.
Chas, check it out.
Hey, Clarke. Interesting little rally
you guys had tonight.
Yeah, right.
They got paint on my girlfriend.
- I'm gonna kill them pinheads.
- Yeah?
Well, you came to the right place.
Guess who's here? Derek Lutz.
Hey, Lutz!
- You know who I am?
- Um...
Let's see.
Protruding supra-orbital ridges,
small cranium, uh, 1300cc brain...
Hmm. Neanderthal man.
You. Call his mother.
Tell her he's never coming home.
You sure you got the right guy?
Lots of people got blue hair now.
- Shut up, meathead.
- Take it easy.
War's over.
You can get new parts for your head.
Yeah? Wanna make something of it?
No, I never get physical.
I just get upset.
And when I get upset, he gets physical.
You got a problem?
- No, I haven't got a problem.
- Now you do.
Kill him!
Lou, where you been? I'm getting
my ass kicked all over the place.
- Well, you look terrible.
- I'm all right.
It's Lou I'm worried about.
He may lose his trigger finger.
Why did you
take on the whole football team?
They're not that tough.
The team at my high school were tough.
After they sacked the quarterback,
they went after his family.
This morning, we're looking at
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Mr. Melon, how would you
characterize the Great Gatsby?
- Who, him?
- No, you.
Me? Well, the Great Gatsby,
he was uh...
Great.
See me after class, Mr. Melon.
Please, try to understand.
I don't have the background.
My high school,
to prove the law of gravity,
a kid threw the teacher out the window.
I know what I need. I need a tutor.
Hey, what do you say?
Come on, you got some spare time.
All right, Mr. Melon,
I have some spare time this evening.
Come round about seven.
- Great.
- I'll give you my address.
- Thanks.
- Please be on time.
I'll be on time.
What penmanship.
"Everywhere the ceremony
of innocence is drowned.
The best lack all conviction while the
worst are full of passionate intensity."
There's a lot of other stuff here.
Yeats goes on and on
and here's the finish.
"What rough beast,
its hour come round at last
slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?"
- What did that make you think of?
- Rough beast. My ex-wife.
It's one interpretation.
Not the right one, but a start.
Surely a man of your age must have read
some of the things on my list.
Macbeth?
I saw the movie. Orson Welles.
Great actor. Big actor.
He was a Tall & Fat customer.
- Cat On A Hot Tin Roof?
- I saw the movie.
Burl lves. Great actor. Extra stout.
Another customer.
- A Streetcar Named Desire.
- Great movie. Marlon Brando.
He wasn't that big then,
but he ballooned up nicely.
I'd say pound for pound
our finest American actor.
- Don't you ever read?
- Read? Who has time?
I see the movie. In two hours.
The reason you read these works is so
you can experience them for yourself.
So you can share
the thoughts of the writer
without the interference of your actor,
director and professor's point of view.
You truly share and understand
the common feelings of all mankind.
The feelings of being alive.
That was beautiful.
I understand what you're saying, too.
I'm glad. It makes me feel good.
I've got an idea.
Let's keep talking over dinner.
I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner.
I could cancel, though.
We are working after all.
You can't work on an empty stomach.
You can't concentrate if you're hungry.
I really shouldn't.
I have so many things to do.
I'll help you. I'll take out
the garbage, do the dishes.
I'll do your nails, your hair.
You've no idea what I wanna do.
- I'll call him.
- I'll dial it.
- Let me get the light.
- I think I'm attracted to teachers.
I took out an English teacher,
but I sent her a love letter
and she corrected it.
Oh, great. Company.
- Those two ought to get a room.
- Really.
Actually, I was married twice.
My first wife, Jason's mother,
I really loved.
We had a good thing going.
She passed away about ten years ago.
After that, I screwed around
for a few years.
Then I went nuts.
I married Vanessa.
I was lonely, I guess.
- Is that over?
- We were doomed from the start.
I'm an earth sign, she's a water sign.
Together we made mud.
I picked a beauty.
She played around, too.
When she said, "I do",
I should have said, "With who?"
- So are you giving up on women?
- I can't figure women out.
Today, they're independent,
only think about themselves.
During sex, Vanessa
screamed out her own name.
I think men are different.
The women's movement made men want
to show you how sensitive they are.
Before, they were too macho.
Now they're too soft.
You all want us to know you can cry.
With women, I never cry, never.
I beg.
If we finish this bottle of wine,
you won't have to beg.
Diane!
- Oh! Oh, Philip.
- We were supposed to go to dinner.
I just had dinner.
I don't believe this.
Maybe it's a dream.
Good night, Philip.
Do a good job.
What do you charge for big cars?
I had a lot of fun, Thornton.
Me too.
And thanks for the lesson.
I learned a lot.
You're welcome.
I did, too.
Well, uh...
Well, I guess this is good night.
Yeah.
A very good night.
Beautiful.
Oh.
That's it, that's the spot.
Just keep doing that.
Oh, don't lose it. Oh, oh!
Oh, Lou, you're great. The leg
is better. You got the cramp out.
You're a wreck.
You got to start working out.
And you know what else.
You have got mid-terms coming up.
You haven't studied since you got here.
You're always so neat.
You're just like your uncle Vito.
As kids, his room was always in order,
towels lined up,
hair lotions in the right place.
What is he today?
An attendant in a men's room.
Hey! He's my idol.
But... I'm not going to be
folding towels any more.
'Cause I just made - ta-da!
- The diving team.
The di... That's great! Hey! Gee...
I'm taking you out.
We're having a party.
No, Dad. That's really nice,
but I'm in training.
We got a meet coming up
against Northern.
We'll have a party after the meet.
Dad, why don't you join me
on a little reality break?
Being in love with Dr. Turner does not
mean you're gonna pass her course.
You've got a major paper on Kurt
Vonnegut and you haven't read the books.
I tried.
I don't understand a word of it.
So how are you gonna
write the paper then?
Hi. I'm Kurt Vonnegut.
I'm looking for Thornton Melon.
Uh... you wanna come in? Dad?
D-O-G. Dog.
One more word out
of you and it's back to the tree.
Come in.
Excuse me. Dr. Barazini?
I'm Thornton Melon.
Oh, yes. Thornton Melon. I know you.
You delivered the paper on isomagnetic
brain waves at Montreal last year.
No. I sold you your pants.
Of course. Good to see you.
What are you doing here?
I have to report here
for my lab project.
Oh, good.
I'm trying to teach these apes
how to read and write.
Teach 'em to go to the bathroom first.
Oh, you'll get used to that.
Now, all you have to do
is put a new tape
in the tape machine every hour
and observe the animals.
I'll be back in a few hours
to check on you.
Fine. See you later.
You don't need this.
I'll find you an organ-grinder.
Hi, Marge. Few things. I need you all
down here as fast as you can.
And Peterson, the accountant,
I need him too.
Oh, thanks.
And Marge, I need...
See if you can get somebody
at the Rand Corporation
to come down here for about a week.
What?
Russell hits him
with a powerful body slap.
No problem.
They're taking a break, that's all.
In 1971, the United States
accumulated deficit
greater than the supply of gold
the country held.
In that year, Richard Nixon took
the United States off the gold standard.
In doing so, he disrupted...
...the entire international
monetary system.
What is that clicking noise?
Are you a student in this class?
Uh, no.
Who are you?
I'm Marge Sweetwater.
Mr. Thornton Melon's private secretary.
What are you doing here?
Ooh. I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.
He told you to write down
everything I said?
Yes, he did.
Good.
Take this down.
Mr. Melon, no matter what you do,
no matter what stunts you pull,
no matter how hard you try,
you will never, ever pass this course.
Make sure he gets that.
Yes, sir.
I'll tell you what,
it's for Barbay. Make it an A.
Where's the lab report on psychology?
Oh, thank you.
It's too light. It feels like a C.
Bulk it up and add a few
multi-colored graphs.
- Yo, Dad.
- Jason, hold it, will ya?
Everybody, let's see As
across the board.
A ten-percent bonus
for every grade over B.
- A plus gets you a free trip to Hawaii.
- Ooh!
Off season.
Dad, what's going on here?
- I'm doing my homework.
- No, they're doing your homework.
Jason, a good executive knows
how to delegate authority.
Here, I took care of you too.
- What's this?
- Your Astronomy report.
- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?
I'm gonna write that paper.
That's why I'm taking Astronomy,
to learn something.
You'll never learn a goddamn thing
if people do your work for you.
Kids. They always do things
the hard way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the visiting team,
Northern University Wildcats.
And your Grand Lakes University Hooters!
Hey, there's your boy.
Jason!
Valerie, how are you doing?
I'm glad you've come. My dad is having
a little party tonight over at the dorm.
It should be great.
His parties usually are.
I'd love to come.
Except I have a date.
Uh, well, bring him along.
That's OK. You can both come by.
- I'll try.
- Good. I hope I'll see you there.
Sounds fun.
I wish my dad were like yours.
Hey, Chas.
- Good luck, buddy. Let's get them.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Melon. I'd wish you luck too
but I guess you don't need luck.
- What do you mean?
- With your old man behind you,
since he bought your way onto the team,
he probably bought off the judges too.
Oh, there's Thornton.
Diane!
I can't imagine
what you can possibly see in that man.
Philip, would you excuse me
for a minute?
Yes, yes!
- You look great.
- Thanks.
Where've you been? I made dates
with your answering machine.
Sorry I missed you. I've been busy
reading mid-term papers, grading exams.
- Read mine?
- No, but I look forward to it.
I'm throwing a party tonight,
and you'd better be there.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've a date
with Philip tonight.
Bring him along. We may run out of ice.
First diver for Grand Lakes
University, Chas Osbourne.
Hey, Coach. How are you?
Next diver
for Grand Lakes, Jason Delon.
Melon.
♪ Everybody's crazy
What's up? This is always
the best party of the year.
Some big event at the dorms.
We're thinking of going.
- To Melon's? Are you nuts?
- Why don't we go?
- Valerie, please, it'll be horrible.
- Jason said it would be great.
Jason's a twerp. We could have won
if it weren't for him.
- Haven't you ever messed up?
- No.
♪ I'm all dressed up
with nowhere to go
Ooh! Hey, ooh! Hey, baby!
♪ Walking with a dead man
over my shoulder
♪ All dressed up with nowhere to go
I love three girls at once!
I fall asleep, they have each other
to talk to.
Nice look. What are you going for,
the heavily disassociated artist thing,
or the "I'm going blind" thing?
Huh? Oh, it's the deaf thing.
This will cheer you up.
Ooh, do me!
Derek, get up. You look like
the poster boy for birth control.
Jason, it's a party.
What's your story?
What's the matter, the swim meet?
Forget about it,
it's history.
Jason, come on. Snap into it!
You're right. It doesn't matter, Dad.
What do you say? Come on!
Hey, buddy!
Everybody make some noise,
have some fun!
- What's that noise?
- It's a party. Mid-terms, remember?
They're just blowing off steam.
You there!
What's going on?
The Melon man's throwing
the greatest party of all time.
The whole world is there.
It's the best thing
ever to happen to me!
Oh, God!
Look at that! Listen to that racket.
This is disgraceful.
- I should phone Security.
- Oh, Philip.
Good. Apparently I'm not the only one
around here with a sense of decency.
Did you see? Where are you going?
Intellectual curiosity.
It sounds fun. Come with me.
- Oh, please!
- Oh, Philip!
♪ It's a dead man's party
♪ Who could ask for more?
♪ Everybody's comin'
Leave your body at the door
♪ Leave your body and soul at the door
♪ Don't run away, it's only me
♪ Don't run away, it's only me
♪ Don't leave that way
♪ You cannot see...
- Say when!
- Right after this drink.
Hey, what's a bath without bubbles?
Hey, Bubbles, come over here!
Well...
Oh, hi there.
- What's your favorite subject?
- Poetry.
Really? Well, maybe you can help me
straighten out my Longfellow.
Excuse me, have you seen
Thornton Melon?
- Uh, I think he's in there.
- Great.
Excuse me, has anyone seen
Thornton Melon?
Now that's what I call marine biology!
Diane.
Say hello to my nieces.
Wait a minute!
Jason?
I was looking all over for you.
Jason, are you OK?
I'm sorry about the swim meet.
Shit.
The swim meet.
Think I care about the swim meet?
It's just a stupid college game.
It's just bullshit.
Why are you acting like this?
- I know you don't think like that.
- You do?
Grow up, Valerie.
You think this is real?
College is a dream world,
something to pass the time
until you can start buying people.
Let's go for a walk and talk this out.
There you are.
Can we go? I'm bored.
Christ, will you get
your ass outta here?
Oh, another shit-faced Melon.
Shall I knock your teeth
down your throat?
Easy, Melon. Your father isn't here
to back you up this time.
Don't!
Are you OK?
Jason,
I was looking for ya.
Hey, come here! Where are you going?
Where am I going?
I'm leaving school. One of us has to go
and you're having a great time.
Why? I don't get it.
- Because you didn't win the meet?
- Not because I didn't win.
Because Chas told me you bribed
the coach to put me on the team.
What, and you believed him?
I've never lied to you.
I didn't bribe the coach.
You're on the team
because you deserve it.
Dad, you don't get it.
Everything I have is because of you.
Because of you, I get my
Astronomy homework done by NASA.
I just want the best for you.
That's all I ever wanted.
I did it all for you.
I know, but you don't know when to quit.
I know you came to help
and I appreciate it.
It's really sweet
and it's really not working.
- Let me do something for myself!
- I just want to see you happy.
Well, take a good look.
'Cause I was a lot happier
when I was miserable.
- I enjoyed reading that, Susan.
- Thanks.
Diane, why did you fail me?
I didn't, Thornton, you failed me.
- Was it because of last night?
- No.
I accept the fact that you're
completely regressed emotionally.
But you won't pass my course
by turning in someone else's work.
- You think someone else wrote this?
- I know you didn't.
That's what disappoints me.
And whoever did write it
has no idea about Kurt Vonnegut.
And another thing, Vonnegut,
I'm gonna stop payment on the check.
What's that? Fuck me?
Hey, Kurt, do you read lips? Fuck you!
Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum.
Derek, have you seen Jason?
I think he's on
a three-state killing spree.
Here's some more potentially bad news.
Dean Martin wants you in his office.
Dean Martin?
And she said, "Let's do it,
the room's already paid for!"
Oh, golly.
I'm afraid we have a potentially
unpleasant situation here.
Phil, would you repeat to Mr. Melon
the allegations that you've made to me?
The work you handed in is not your own.
I'm accusing you of academic fraud.
Fraud is such an ugly word.
Considering the financial generosity
Mr. Melon has shown
towards our fine university.
I think Mr. Melon should be expelled.
What are you going to do about it?
Well... Thornton, I'm only going to
ask you this one time,
is the work that you turned in your own?
I can't lie to you, Dean Martin.
Yes, it is.
I'm satisfied.
- Phil?
- I'm outraged.
Gee whizz, Phil, I just asked Melon
if the work was his and he said yes.
Now, what do you want me to do,
torture him?
I suggest a comprehensive
oral examination
conducted by all
of Mr. Melon's professors.
- Oral examination?
- Yes.
If you've done the work
you say you have,
there should be no problem.
Should there?
Hey.
- Jase.
- Hey, Lou, how are you doing?
Come here, I want to tell you something.
You were pretty hard
on your father last night.
I know, but he doesn't understand.
I've known your pop 30 years.
He understands.
He's a nice guy.
And he's tough, like me.
I'm nice, and I'm tough.
Huh? I'll give you an idea what I mean.
My two boys, I put one through college
and the other I put through a wall.
Your papa loves you, eh?
He's looking out for you.
Look out for him.
OK.
Hey.
What's going on?
I'm leaving. I'm sorry, Jason.
This college thing was a big mistake.
- So you're gonna give up?
- I can't win.
They want me to take orals
in all subjects.
If I don't, they'll kick me out.
And if I take them,
who knows where they'll kick me?
Remember what you told me
when I told you I wanted to quit?
You said a man
without an education is nothing.
- I can't do it, Jason.
- You can do anything.
You can do anything you want in life.
Remember, you're a Melon.
Don't quit. I'll help you.
Before we begin,
I would like to thank
each and every professor here
for taking time out of his/her
extremely busy schedules.
And a special thanks of course
to Mr. Thornton Melon
who I do not have to remind anyone
is the donor of our new
Melon School of Business.
We're wasting time.
Sorry, Phil.
Mr. Melon, you'll have three hours
to complete the examination.
If you fail any part of it,
you will be expelled.
Mr. Melon, do you understand?
- The Council of Trent!
- Excuse me?
- I missed a question.
- We haven't begun yet.
Oh.
Well, Dr. Barbay,
I suppose you're up first.
I have only one question
for Mr. Melon.
In 27 parts.
- I'd like to break him in 27 parts.
- Excuse me?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Discuss the foundations
of modern global business systems.
Part one. Define and differentiate
the three economic philosophies
of capitalism, socialism and communism
as pertains to a) management
fundamentals,
b) organizing and staffing,
c) labor management,
and d) production and operations.
Part two.
- Are you getting all this, Mr. Melon?
- Yeah, it's a piece of cake.
Jason?
Valerie.
I wanted to apologize
for the other night
for my behavior, the things I said.
And to thank you for your behavior
and the things you said.
Really sorry.
And I'm in love with you
and have been for ages
and I can't believe I'm saying this.
And I don't wanna... embarrass you
or make you feel uncomfortable with me
but, uh...
I've been needing to tell you this
for a very long time.
Um...
Are you aware that that's the most
you've ever said to me at one time?
Oh, except for the time
when you were ravingly drunk.
I love you too.
In response to Roman numeral 27,
section three, part two of subset D,
of the question,
the answer is...
Mr. Melon?
- Mr. Melon?
- Hey, hey, relax.
This man's under a lot of pressure.
Let's take it easy.
Say it! Say it!
The answer is... four.
Right.
Dr. Turner?
Hold it. That's it.
I can't take it no more.
I feel like I just gave birth.
To an accountant.
Wait a minute, Thornton.
Thornton, do you remember when we
discussed the Dylan Thomas poem,
Do not Go Gentle
into that Good Night?
I don't know. No.
- Maybe.
- Thornton, think.
What's going on here?
Philip, relax. It's my turn.
Do you remember it?
"Do not go gentle into...
into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage
at... at close of day;
Rage... rage against
the dying of the light.
Wild men who court
and sang the sun in flight,
And learned, too late,
they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle to that good night."
"Grave men, near death,
who see with blinding sight,
Blind eyes could blaze
like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.
And you, my father,
there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now
with your fierce tears I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light."
Thornton, what does that poem
mean to you?
It means...
I don't take shit from no one.
I'm gonna pass this test.
I'm staying in school. Who's next?
Now diving
for the Atlantic Eastern Seagulls,
current conference champion,
Doug Nelson.
What do you almost never see?
Somebody heckling a diver.
All right, kid.
Please refrain from
making loud noises during the dives.
Next up for the
Atlantic Eastern Seagulls
Bill Steincap.
That concludes
Atlantic Eastern's ten-meter dives.
Next up, Grand Lakes Hooters.
I'd like to remind you that tickets
to all Grand Lakes sporting events
are available from
the student services office.
Were you interested in Valerie Desmond?
She's with me.
Coming into your own, are you, Melon?
I wouldn't break my arm
patting myself on the back.
Because get this, towel boy.
No matter what you think,
you will always be a crude, obnoxious,
nouveau-riche little fleeb.
You'll end up like your father.
God, I hope so.
'Cause I love the guy.
First up for
Grand Lakes University,
Chas Osbourne,
former national high school champion.
There he is.
Jason dive yet?
- No. Did you pass?
- They're letting me know.
Now diving
for Grand Lakes University,
Jason Melon.
Attaboy, Jason, you did it!
Can you believe it? We could win.
Melon's dive has
put the Hooters back in this meet.
- Ow!
- What's the matter?
You're up next, Chas.
I have got a really bad cramp.
I've been having cramps all week.
- It's probably menstrual.
- Screw you, Melon.
Coach Turnbull,
you got another eligible diver?
Melon!
Melon, we need ya!
Get your suit on!
Go ahead.
The shape I'm in, you could donate
my body to science fiction.
Get your suit on. We need ya!
Come on, pal. Show them what you got.
Melon! We need ya!
Now diving in substitution
for Grand Lakes University,
Thornton Melon!
He... He's on my substitute roster,
but I don't have it right now.
But what I'll do, first chance I get,
I'll bring it to you.
- What dive is he gonna do?
- The Triple Lindy.
Melon!
Melon! Melon! Melon!
Melon! Melon! Melon! Melon!
Melon! Melon! Melon!
There will be an additional
spring board installed
for Melon's dive,
- the Triple Lindy.
- Is that hard?
It's impossible.
You did it!
- That was great.
- Told you!
Oh, you were great! That was incredible.
I guess there's nothing you can't do.
I've got the results of your exams.
- Do I wanna hear them?
- You passed. All Ds.
And an A.
- Who gave me the A?
- I did.
I would like to
introduce our speaker.
This is the first time in the history
of this fine institution
that a freshman has given this address.
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Dean Martin,
President Sinclair,
and members of the graduating class.
I have only one thing to say to you.
It's a jungle out there.
You gotta look out for number one.
But don't step in number two.
And so, to all you graduates,
as you go out into the world,
my advice to you is
don't go!
It's rough out there.
Move back with your parents.
Let them worry about it.
♪ What you want
Baby, I got it
- ♪ What you need
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ You know I got it
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ All I'm askin'
- ♪ Ooh
♪ Is for a little respect
when you come home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Hey, baby
♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Come home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Mister
- ♪ Just a little bit
♪ I ain't gonna do you wrong
♪ While you're gone
- ♪ I ain't gonna do you wrong
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ 'Cause I don't wanna
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ All I'm askin'
- ♪ Ooh
♪ Is for a little respect
when you come home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Baby
♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ When you get home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Yeah
- ♪ Just a little bit
♪ I'm about to give you
♪ All of my money
♪ And all I'm askin'
♪ In return, honey
♪ Is to give me my propers
- ♪ When you get home
- ♪ Just a, just a, just a
- ♪ Yeah, baby
- ♪ Just a, just a, just a
- ♪ When you get home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Yeah
- ♪ Just a little bit
♪ Ooh, your kisses
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ Sweeter than honey
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ And guess what?
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ So is my money
- ♪ All I want you to do for me
- ♪ Ooh
♪ Is give it to me when you get
home
- ♪ Re, re, re, re
- ♪ Yeah, baby
- ♪ Whip it to me
- ♪ Respect
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ When you get home
- ♪ Now
- ♪ Just a little bit
♪ R - E - S - P - E - C - T
♪ Find out what it means to me
♪ R - E - S - P - E - C - T
♪ Take care, TCB, oh!
♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
- ♪ A little respect
- ♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
- ♪ Whoa, babe
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ A little respect
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ I get tired
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Keep on tryin'
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ You're runnin' out of foolin'
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ And I ain't lyin'
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Re, re, re, re
- ♪ Respect
- ♪ When you come home
- ♪ Re, re, re, re
- ♪ Or you might walk in
- ♪ Respect, just a little bit
- ♪ And find out I'm gone
- ♪ Just a little bit... ♪
♪ It's your life
and I'm not gonna live it
♪ A change is coming and it's overdue
♪ I'm gonna take you over the limit
♪ You know I'm only
looking out for you
♪ Get lucky, I get lucky
♪ And I'll see you get lucky too
♪ I'll be there
when you get there right
♪ That's the beauty of living my life
♪ Hold on baby,
I'm taking you back to school
♪ When logic has gone,
don't lose your head
♪ You just turn to me instead
♪ Hold on, baby,
now here we go back to school
♪ Here we go
♪ I gonna wear a big school letter
♪ I'm gonna write poetry
♪ Why don't you take off
that big, blue sweater?
♪ Come on, we'll make history
♪ Get lucky, I get lucky
♪ I'll see you get lucky too
♪ I'll be there when you get me right
♪ That's the beauty of living my life
♪ Hold on, baby,
I'm taking you back to school
♪ When logic has gone,
don't lose your head
♪ You just turn to me instead
♪ Hold on, baby,
now here we go back to school ♪
You call this a report card?
What kind of marks is this?
How you gonna go to college?
I don't wanna go.
I wanna work with you.
You wanna work with me?
Listen to me.
I say this once and I say it again.
However rich or successful a man is,
if he don't got an education,
he's got nothing.
- I tried, Pop. I can't do it.
- Then try harder.
You can do anything in life
you wanna do.
Remember. You're a Meloni.
Hi. Are you a large person? Pleasantly
plump? A little on the hefty side?
Or, let's face it, are you fat?
When you go jogging,
do you leave potholes?
At the zoo, do elephants
throw you peanuts?
Do you look at a menu and say "OK!"?
Well, eat all you want because Melon's
Tall & Fat stores have got you covered.
Fine woolen and woolen-blend suits
and sport coats in all the larger sizes.
Husky, stout, extra stout.
And the new Hindenburg line.
And for you ladies
we have caftans
and our own exclusive A-frame
in all colors and patterns.
We have miles and miles of fabric.
Take it from me, Thornton Melon,
to look thin,
you hang out with fat people.
Thornton Melon's Tall & Fat.
150 locations across America.
- Lou, you seen the new spot?
- I seen it.
- Do I look fat in it?
- You could lose a couple of pounds.
I need bigger actors.
How are you?
Ophelia, hold some of my calls.
Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.
- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.
Take it easy, will you?
Don't get any on the walls.
OK, folks, what's up?
Mr. Melon, we have
a serious offer on your
commercial property in South Florida.
- We feel you should sell.
- Hold it for one more year.
Take the depreciation then transfer
title to the California Corporation.
Show it as a capital gain.
We should do great.
What else?
The toy division has a new doll idea
to go with our children's clothing.
We call them Melon Patch Kids.
Now the competition exploits the notion
that their dolls are orphans.
The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans.
They're abandoned.
- We think it's a winner.
- Go with it.
Keep the cost under five bucks.
We took a bath
on those Chubby Tubby Tub Toys.
- Jason's on the phone.
- Jason! OK, everybody, take a break.
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Melon,
but we have a very long agenda.
- Later. My son's on the phone.
- But Mr. Melon...
Beat it.
Jason, how you doing?
How's the diving going?
It's great.
We just finished our practice.
Keep it up. And the fraternity?
I'll bet you're having fun.
What do you think?
Yeah, it's great.
Good, that's great.
Hey, you're not doing too much?
- You're studying?
- Right now we're between semesters.
So classes don't start
for another week.
No classes?
Then come home. Your mother and I
are having a fifth anniversary party.
Whoa, Dad.
She's not my mother, she's your wife.
And she doesn't want me around.
OK, let's not start that again.
- I'll come up there to see you.
- No. Bad, bad idea.
I got this big dive meet.
I gotta practice.
I wouldn't have time to see you.
OK, I understand.
Look, I promise I'll come down and visit
next break I get, all right?
- I gotta go, OK?
- OK, Jason. Take care of yourself.
- I love you.
- I love you too. All right. Bye-bye.
Melon, I told you to clean my locker.
If it's too much,
we'll get a new towel boy.
I'm sorry, Chas. I'll get onto it, OK?
Home, sweet home.
- I liked the old house better.
- So did I.
I liked the old wife better too.
Lay off Vanessa.
She gives great headache.
Lou, I can't believe it. Married
five years. Seems like yesterday.
You know how lousy yesterday was.
Please don't throw your clothes
on the Breuer chair.
How come all our furniture has names?
I have absolutely nothing to wear.
You got six closets full of
nothing to wear.
- Are you saying I spend too much money?
- You, too much money? No.
Lots of people go to Switzerland
to get their watch fixed.
You have no taste, Thornton.
Right. I married you.
No time to argue.
Our friends will be here soon.
Your friends.
They are my friends
and I'd like to keep them.
So behave yourself.
If the roast beef is right,
they'll be back.
- Jennifer, you look divine.
- Thank you.
And Peter! I thought you were still
in Portofino. Why haven't you called?
- She's a lovely girl.
- Oh, yes, she is.
Ramon, you look fantastic.
I thought you were still in Tijuana.
- Excuse me, señor?
- Nothing, sorry. Give me a beer.
I'm sorry, señor.
All we have is martinis and Champagne.
My own house, I can't get a beer.
Mrs. Melon gave strict orders.
No cerveza.
It's all right. I'll get it myself.
- Ancora!
- Ti voglio!
Hey! Adam and Evil.
Hey... Mr. Melon.
We were just
looking for some cocktail napkins.
Where, under her dress?
- You're impossible.
- And you're easy.
I love Klimt. Don't you?
Mr. Melon!
Your wife was showing us her Klimt.
You too, huh?
She's shown it to everybody.
She's very proud of it.
I'm proud of mine
but don't wave it about.
- It's an exceptional painting.
- Oh, the painting. Uh, yeah.
Drink up. Enjoy yourselves.
I hate small food, you know?
What's he doing?
Waiter, come here, will you?
Put your hand there.
I learned this in Europe.
Look at that. Coming through. Hot stuff.
Thornton, meet
Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.
Oh, right.
- How do you do?
- Thornton...
How are you doing?
- Hi there, sir. How are you?
- Not too bad, thank you.
No, I got my own. It's all right.
Millicent, you look charming.
I love your dress.
Don't you, Thornton?
It's such a lovely shade of green.
Yeah, if that dress had pockets,
you'd look like a pool table.
You should try my Tall & Fat stores.
No offence.
May I speak to you privately, please?
Watch my sandwich, will you?
I can't take any more. You've insulted
our friends, you've insulted... me.
- You're set on ruining this party.
- Party? It's a dog show out there.
Your friends come for free booze
and to suck up to you for donations.
You have no class, Thornton,
and I'm tired of it.
- I want a divorce.
- I knew we had something in common.
Here. Sign these.
Oh! Oh, I'm afraid
it's not gonna be that easy, honey.
This is gonna cost you. Plenty.
Oh, yeah? Vanessa,
let's talk about class.
Here's you and Giorgio
in the guest room.
You and Giorgio in the rumpus room.
Another classy one.
This one, I can't figure out. There's
you, Giorgio, what's with the midget?
That one... Hey, wait! I got more.
- What happened?
- What happened? I got rid of Vanessa.
I feel like I got paroled.
I'll tell you what bothers me.
I let her come between me and Jason.
Lou, pack our bags.
We're going to that college,
to see my son.
♪ It's your life
and I'm not gonna live it
♪ A change is coming and it's overdue
♪ I'm gonna take you over the limit
♪ You know I'm only
looking out for you
♪ I get lucky, I get lucky
♪ And I'll see you get lucky too...
Boy, will Jason be surprised!
There's Greek letters.
That must be the house.
♪ Hold on baby,
I'm taking you back to school
♪ When logic has gone,
don't lose your head
♪ You just turn to me instead
♪ Hold on, baby,
now here we go back to school
♪ Here we go ♪
- Is that an omega or a unicorn?
- Don't you know any Greek?
The only Greek I know
owns a coffee shop, Jimmy.
He had an ugly wife,
four ugly kids and good coffee.
Wait here. I'll try this one.
Hello! Hello!
Anybody here?
Jason, where are you?
Hey, I need some help here!
Hey, buddy, I'm talking to you.
Take it easy, honey,
I didn't see a thing.
You're perfect.
Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon.
It was an honest mistake.
- Let's call it a bad day.
- But a great view.
You're all right, officer.
Here, a little something for the kids.
- I don't have any kids.
- Here, get yourself some. Take it all.
Just remember,
the best thing about kids is making 'em.
Even if I do manage to graduate,
what then?
There's the private sector,
but look how bad the job market is.
- There's Valerie Desmond.
- See you guys.
Look how tight her ass is today.
Man, do you think there's any way
she would ever go out with me?
- Hmmmm... No.
- Oh, thanks.
It's this whole stupid
capitalist system.
It's set up to reward
the advantaged and the aggressive
and make sure two regular schmos
like you and me
never get to date girls
like Valerie.
I hate the whole bourgeois mentality
of this school.
Do you make this bullshit up as you go
or do you read it?
No, I read this. It's Karl Marx's
famous Proletarian Chicks In Bondage,
a Condom House book with a leather hood.
- With pictures? Can I borrow it?
- Let's move on.
- Right up.
- Yeah, well, you know...
Aah!
Dad, uh, what are you doing here?
I'm robbing your room, that's what.
We drive 300 miles to see him,
that's the greeting we get. Come here!
Hey, I'm sorry. I'm glad to see you
but I wish I'd known you were coming.
I'll bet. The fraternity house said
you weren't a member.
- I can explain.
- And you're not on the diving team.
- You're the towel boy.
- I can explain that.
- OK, explain it.
- I lied.
Great, that explains it.
You don't lie to me.
You lie to girls.
Who's this?
Sorry, this is my roommate, Derek Lutz.
This is the dad and this is Lou.
- That your real hair?
- What do you think?
I think you're trying to
get back at your parents.
Show me the campus.
I wanna talk to you.
Oh, good.
Boy, what a great-looking place.
When I dreamed of going to college,
this is how I pictured it.
When did you dream of going to college?
When I used to fall asleep
in high school.
I know how much this means to you.
Sorry I lied.
You don't have to lie.
I'll love you just the same.
- You'll love me no matter what?
- No matter what.
- I'm dropping out.
- You're dropping out?
You just got here. You just started.
But I don't fit in. I got one friend,
Derek. He's got no friends.
The girls don't like me,
the fraternities don't want me,
the diving coach won't talk to me.
At least you're getting an education.
Last semester I got nothing but Cs.
A, B, C... in the top three.
Nothing to worry about.
I think I'd be better off getting a job.
You never went to college.
You're doing great.
I said it before and I'll say it again.
However rich or successful a man is,
without an education, he's nothing.
Stay in school, study harder.
You can be whatever you want.
You wanna be a loser, be a loser.
Jason, it's up to you. You can do it.
Remember, you're a Melon.
That's easy for you to say.
You don't have to do it.
OK, I'll do it with you.
- What do you mean?
- I mean just what I said.
I'm going to college.
What do you think?
I think you're nuts.
Nuts? Who made the rules?
I'm going to college.
Let me get this straight, Mr. Melon.
You wish to enter this esteemed
Grand Lakes University of ours
as a freshman?
That's right, Dean Martin.
- Are you comfortable?
- Oh, I'm fine, yes.
Oh, the chair. Oh, I'm sorry.
This is an awkward moment
for me, Mr. Melon,
since I realize you're
a highly respected member
of our business community.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Our student body
here is hand-picked by me
from the crème de la crème of students
all across this great land.
- That's one of the things I like here.
- Yes.
Since you have no high school diploma,
and no transcripts of any kind,
no SAT scores,
and you're 30 to 40 years older
than our average freshman,
how can this university see its way
clear to accept you as a student?
As Coolidge said,
"The business of America is business."
And the business of an educational
institution such as ours
is to create young minds that understand
that the business of America is the kind
of business that it actually is.
So whatever it is that
I have said here today...
The point is that we are here to honor
our most generous benefactor,
and newest freshman,
the man who's made it possible for us
to break ground here today,
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Dean Martin, great speech.
Nothing like good, clean business, huh?
And a little monkey business!
Ah, Philip!
I'm so glad you could make it.
Mr. Melon, I'd like you to meet
Dr. Philip Barbay,
I want it on record
that I'm totally against this.
I don't think that selling admission
to an unqualified student
is very ethical or honorable.
Oh, right, Phil, but I'd just like to
say in all fairness to Mr. Melon,
it was a really big check.
It's a simple matter of this man
undermining the efforts
of our legitimate students,
- who are here as a result of hard work.
- Hard work?
Listen, Sherlock, while you were tucked
away working on your ethics,
I was busting my hump in the real world.
Guys like you got a place to teach
'cause guys like me donate buildings.
I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon.
I don't think Dr. Barbay understands
the actual amounts involved here.
Mr. Melon,
will you take the ceremonial shovel?
- Thank you.
- And dig into the symbolic verge.
I hereby dedicate
this building to...
...myself!
Dad, it's like we talked about.
Sign up for whatever interests you.
We got to get in the astronomy line
before it closes.
Hi!
Look at this.
This is worse than the track.
- Want me to move some people?
- No, this is college.
- Let me think.
- What are you gonna do?
Come on, I got an idea.
- Did you get everything?
- I got the Latin, and the Sanskrit.
But they cancelled Ancient Greek,
blew my dead languages motif.
What are you looking at?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh!
You OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
- I'm upset because they closed Botany.
- Those bastards.
Well, I'm not that upset.
Well, I won't be
if I get into Astronomy.
You wanna cut in the line with us?
We're waiting.
- Yes, yes, I would.
- Great. All right.
This is Derek.
Hi.
- I'm Valerie Desmond.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm Jason... Melon.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, Valerie.
- Hi.
- God, you look great.
- Thanks.
Are you taking
Astronomy too?
I guess. I don't want to.
I'm a Business major.
- Mm-hm.
- But they want us to take a science.
- Do you mind if I sneak in line?
- Oh...
Actually, these guys were nice enough
to let me in, so it's up to them.
Melon, buddy. What do you say?
Let me in, OK?
I don't think so, Osbourne!
Melon, your friend. Straighten him out.
Chas, there's a lot of people waiting.
It wouldn't be fair.
If you got a note from
each and every one of these people
saying it was all right,
then we'd reconsider.
But until that day, take a hike,
you elitist fraternity scumbag.
I won't forget this, Melon.
- I'll see you at the pool. Bye.
- Bye.
Thank you. I'm dead.
You're not gonna believe this.
Come on! I'm not kidding!
Where is he?
I don't know. I'm supposed to
pick him up here.
- When?
- Now!
Come on, let's register.
- You guys got everything you need?
- We got it.
- Why used books?
- What's wrong with used books?
- They've been read.
- Yeah, and underlined, get it?
The last guy could have been a maniac.
Hey, get these guys some new books.
Charge me. Pick a card.
Then I'll take a four school sweaters,
a bunch of pennants,
some of those beer mugs,
a few of these fuzzballs you cheer with.
Hey, folks, it's on me!
Shakespeare for everyone.
You too, honey.
I'd like to tame your shrew!
- Who is that?
- That is Mr. Thornton Melon.
The world's oldest living freshman.
And the walking epitome
of the decline of education.
The clod thinks he can buy
his way out of the gutter.
- He was just having fun.
- Oh, really?
I can't wait to get him in my class.
- We'll see how much fun he is.
- Oh, Philip.
Hey, Mr. M. You're all set.
We've been working all night.
Thanks, Buzzy, I appreciate it.
Add a few hundred to the bill.
Throw a party.
You know what you got, Mr. Melon?
You got class.
It rubbed off from you, Buzzy.
Say hello to Sonia for me.
Hey, I want to talk to you about
my schedule. We'll go over it later.
Well, boys, what do you think?
A hot tub!
How can you study
if you're not relaxed?
- When's our first class?
- Economics tomorrow at eleven.
I got a massage at eleven.
Tell them to make it two o'clock.
No, Dad, you don't get it.
They're not gonna reschedule classes
around your massage.
All right. But I'm gonna talk
to that Dean.
These classes could be
a real inconvenience.
All right, settle down, people.
We've got a lot to cover,
and time is short.
There are two kinds of people
in business, the quick and the dead.
So rather than waste your time
this semester
we're jumping in with both feet
and create a fictional company
from the ground up.
We'll construct our physical plant,
we'll set up an efficient
administrative and executive structure,
then we'll manufacture our product
and market it.
I think you'll find it
interesting and fun.
So let's start by looking at
construction costs of our new factory.
What's the product?
That is immaterial for the purposes
of our discussion
but if it makes you happy,
let's say we're making tape recorders.
Tape recorders, are you kidding?
The Japs will kill us
on the labor costs.
OK, fine.
Then let's just say they're widgets.
- What's a widget?
- It's a fictional product.
It doesn't matter.
- Tell that to the bank.
- Take it easy. It's the first day.
On the board, you see a cost analysis
for construction
of a 30,000-square-foot facility
which will encompass factory
and office space
and is serviced by all utilities,
a railroad spur line
and a four-bay shipping dock.
Hold on. Why build?
Better to lease at a buck and a half
a square foot.
Take a down payment and put it into CDs
or something you can roll over.
Thank you, Mr. Melon.
We'll be concentrating on finance
a little later in the term.
For the time being, let's just
concentrate on the construction figures.
The bottom line requires
the factoring in of
not just the material
and construction costs
but also the architect's fees
and the cost of land servicing.
Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.
Oh, really?
Like what, for instance?
First of all, you've got to grease
the local politicians
for the sudden zoning problems
that always come up.
Then there's kickbacks
to the carpenters.
If you plan on using cement,
the Teamsters will want a chat,
and that will cost you.
And don't forget something
for the building inspectors.
Then there's the long-term costs,
such as waste disposal.
Are you familiar with who runs
that business? It's not the boy scouts.
That's enough, Mr. Melon.
Maybe bribes, kickbacks and mafia
pay-offs are how you do business,
but they are not part
of the legitimate business world
and certainly are not part
of anything I am teaching in this class.
Do I make myself clear?
Sorry, just trying to help.
Now, notwithstanding Mr. Melon's input,
the next question for us
is where to build our factory.
How about Fantasyland?
- My first class. I did good, huh?
- You'd better cool it with Dr. Barbay.
Dr. Barbay don't know dick.
He tells it like it ain't.
You know what he can do? Flunk you.
Flunk me? Flunk him.
Great attitude.
Do you know where your next class is?
Contemporary American History.
Professor Terguson.
- Terguson?
- You know him? Is he good?
Well, he's committed.
In fact, I think he was.
Just keep your head down
and your mouth shut.
Welcome... to Contemporary
American History.
I'm Professor Terguson.
A lot of people think history
is just facts,
it's just information about the past.
But not me.
I hold history very sacred. Sacred.
The way the farmer
holds the earth sacred.
The way a Christian
holds the Bible sacred.
The way people
hold their marriage sacred.
That's how I feel about it.
So let's dive right in by interpreting
one of the easiest events
in the last 20 years
of American history.
Can someone tell me why, in 1975,
we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?
The failure of Vietnamization
to win popular support
caused an ongoing erosion of confidence
in the various American
but illegal Saigon regimes.
Is she right?
That's the popular version
of what went on.
A lot of people believe that.
I wish I could, but I was there.
I wasn't in a classroom,
hoping I was right, thinking about it,
I was up to my knees in rice paddies,
with guns,
going up against Charlie,
slugging it out with him
while pussies like you
were back here partying,
putting headbands on, doing drugs,
listening to Beatle albums.
Professor, take it easy, will you?
These kids, they were in grade school
at the time, and me...
I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
Well, I didn't know you wanted to
get involved with
the discussion, Mr. Helper.
Since you want to help,
maybe you can help me.
Remember that thing we had 30 years ago
called the Korean Conflict?
Yeah? Where we failed
to achieve victory?
How come we didn't cross
the 38th parallel
and push those rice-eaters
back to the Great Wall of China
and take it apart brick by brick
and nuke them back into the Stone Age?
How come? Why? Say it! Say it!
All right. I'll say it.
'Cause Truman was too much of a wimp
to let MacArthur go in there
and blow out those commie bastards!
Good answer. Good answer.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna be watching you.
He's a good teacher.
He really seems to care.
About what, I have no idea.
He was all right.
Buddy, be my guest. Here's a pen.
Boys, here's some pens
in case you learn how to write.
- I know you.
- Yeah? Here's a pen.
You do those obnoxious commercials.
You're Tall & Fat!
You're short and ugly.
Give me the pen back.
Honey, here's a pen.
Boys, how are you?
"And Gibraltar is a girl
for I was a flower of the mountain
Yes when I put the rose in my hair
like the Andalusian girls used
Shall I wear red yes
And he kissed me under
the Moorish wall and I thought
Well as well him as another
And then I ask him with my eyes
to ask again yes
And then he asked me would I yes
to say yes my mountain flower
And first I put my arms around his
And drew him down to me so he could feel
my breasts all perfumed yes
And his heart was going like mad
and yes I said, yes I will, yes."
Yes! Yes!
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
I think Joyce is pretty hot too.
Now I have your attention,
I'll run down the reading list.
See what else turns you on.
What a woman!
Dad, she is the teacher.
I like teachers. Do something wrong,
they make you do it over again.
Shouldn't you
take some notes?
Yeah, yeah.
I gave away all my pens.
I'm sorry, I need this back.
Here's a calendar for you.
- Hi.
- Hello, Mr. Melon.
- Are you waiting for me?
- Yes.
I'm only a freshman,
but why don't we have dinner tonight?
We can talk about Joyce.
She's my favorite writer.
You're not the usual freshman,
but I can't.
I'm sort of going with someone.
- Where are you going?
- That's a good question.
I'd like to join you,
but I have class tonight.
How about tomorrow?
I have class then too.
Why don't you call me sometime
when you have no class?
All right. Maybe I will.
Hello, Philip.
What did he want?
Oh, what do all men want?
You to dress up as Wonder Woman,
tie him up and force him
to tell the truth?
No, just dinner, Philip.
Are you jealous of Thornton Melon?
Certainly not.
I've been doing
a great deal of thinking.
I've been thinking... about us.
- And?
- And I think...
...we should start thinking about
forming a...
...well, a...
- A merger?
- A merger, exactly. A merger.
A partnership.
Seriously, Diane.
We're both educated, intelligent adults.
We should be together.
Incorporated, if you will.
Look at the balance sheet.
We were made for one another.
Philip, darling.
I don't want to be merged
or incorporated.
I want to have fun
and be romanced and loved.
So let's not rush into anything.
Let's just start by having fun, OK?
Hey, how are ya? What's happening?
A lot of people are talking
about your dad.
What's happening?
Hey, boys! How are you doing?
I wonder why.
Um... they have lockers.
You could have changed here.
I don't change in front of guys.
Next, you're showering with them.
And next, you're pinned to
a sophomore named Chip.
- Come on, let's go.
- I'll see you later.
That was pretty good.
Next time, hold the pike
a little longer.
Wait a minute. I'll be right down.
Not bad.
All right. Let's see one more.
- Like I showed you.
- All right, got it.
What's a guy your age
doing with these kids?
I'm looking for
the fountain of middle age.
What's your story?
I'm setting a new record for the most
consecutive losses by a diving coach.
Remember, hold that pike longer.
- He your kid?
- Yeah.
- Who coached him in high school?
- Yours truly.
Where did you learn diving?
Atlantic City. Steel Pier.
I was in a water show.
- I used to open for the Diving Horse.
- You're kidding. I'm from Jersey.
I spent my life on that pier growing up.
There was a guy did the most amazing
dive, called the Triple Lindy.
Hardest dive I ever saw. Who was that?
- Yours truly.
- You're kidding.
I don't joke about dives.
Especially that. It almost killed me.
Boy, you were something else.
- Can your kid do that dive?
- Nobody can. It's too dangerous.
He tried out for the team last semester.
He wasn't that good.
Not that good, huh? Watch this.
Jason, do the two and a half.
Not bad.
My man Melon. Come on, there's
a pep rally for the football team.
What is this?
Me, Standish and Redding,
we're doing an anti-pep rally.
Violent ground acquisition games
such as football is, in fact,
a crypto-fascist metaphor
for nuclear war.
It sounds like a lot of laughs but
I'm supposed to meet my dad and study.
Well, if you change your mind, pal,
you know where to find me.
If I change my mind,
I'll seek psychiatric help.
Excuse me. What is the Oort system,
and what does it tell us?
Uh... What? I'm sorry.
Astronomy, chapter two.
Oh, Oort. Oort.
Oort was this scientist
and he figured out that
the smeared-out density of matter
can be no greater
than the solar mass per cubic parsec...
You look thrilled. It's not my theory.
Thanks. That helps a lot.
Listen, I was just wondering.
Would you do my Astronomy homework
for the rest of the semester?
There you go.
Hi, Mr. Melon.
Call me Thornton.
How about joining me
and my friend over there?
Your friend looks a little strange.
Who, Lou? Lou's an animal.
In his family, he's only the second
generation to stand up straight.
What lovely girls. How would you like
a life of luxury and deceit?
- Come on, join us in a beer, OK?
- OK.
OK.
Girls, this is Lou.
Lou, these are girls.
Two! One, two!
Wow!
♪ Shake it up, baby
- ♪ Twist and shout
- ♪ Twist and shout
- ♪ Come on, come on, come on, baby
- ♪ Come on, baby
♪ Just come and work it on out
♪ Work it on out
- ♪ Work it on out
- ♪ Work it on out...
Honey, come here.
Two more glasses for the girls.
Bring a pitcher of beer every
seven minutes till somebody passes out
and then bring one
every ten minutes. Right?
You know, I thought we were just gonna
go to the planetarium and look at stars.
I had no idea this was
gonna be astrophysics.
It's not that hard. You'll get it.
It's not hard for you,
because you're smart.
You're smart too.
Yeah, but you're smart smart.
Do you study at the library every night?
No, I was meeting Dad there,
but he's at the dorm.
♪ Aaaaah
- ♪ Aahh
- ♪ Aahhh
♪ Aaaaaah, shake it up, baby
♪ Shake it up, baby
- ♪ Twist and shout
- ♪ Twist and shout
♪ Come on, come on, come on, baby
- ♪ Come on, baby
- ♪ Come on and work it on out
♪ Work it on out
♪ You gotta twist it on out
Lower, baby, lower.
Hey, guys, let me see some ID.
Whoo, not that low, baby!
♪ Come on and twist little closer...
To the left, baby, to the left...
That's the spot, baby, hold it,
hold it. Oh, you are there!
♪ Shake it, shake it, shake it,
shake it, baby
♪ Come on and shake it,
shake it, shake it, shake it, baby
♪ Shake it, baby, shake it out
- ♪ Shake it
- ♪ Aaahhhh
- ♪ Shake it
- ♪ Aaaahhhh
- ♪ Shake!
- ♪ Aaaah ♪
OK, buddy.
Jason, what are you doing here?
Whoa, what am I doing?
What are you doing?
- We were supposed to study.
- The library. I know.
Hey.
Chas, check it out.
Hey, Clarke. Interesting little rally
you guys had tonight.
Yeah, right.
They got paint on my girlfriend.
- I'm gonna kill them pinheads.
- Yeah?
Well, you came to the right place.
Guess who's here? Derek Lutz.
Hey, Lutz!
- You know who I am?
- Um...
Let's see.
Protruding supra-orbital ridges,
small cranium, uh, 1300cc brain...
Hmm. Neanderthal man.
You. Call his mother.
Tell her he's never coming home.
You sure you got the right guy?
Lots of people got blue hair now.
- Shut up, meathead.
- Take it easy.
War's over.
You can get new parts for your head.
Yeah? Wanna make something of it?
No, I never get physical.
I just get upset.
And when I get upset, he gets physical.
You got a problem?
- No, I haven't got a problem.
- Now you do.
Kill him!
Lou, where you been? I'm getting
my ass kicked all over the place.
- Well, you look terrible.
- I'm all right.
It's Lou I'm worried about.
He may lose his trigger finger.
Why did you
take on the whole football team?
They're not that tough.
The team at my high school were tough.
After they sacked the quarterback,
they went after his family.
This morning, we're looking at
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Mr. Melon, how would you
characterize the Great Gatsby?
- Who, him?
- No, you.
Me? Well, the Great Gatsby,
he was uh...
Great.
See me after class, Mr. Melon.
Please, try to understand.
I don't have the background.
My high school,
to prove the law of gravity,
a kid threw the teacher out the window.
I know what I need. I need a tutor.
Hey, what do you say?
Come on, you got some spare time.
All right, Mr. Melon,
I have some spare time this evening.
Come round about seven.
- Great.
- I'll give you my address.
- Thanks.
- Please be on time.
I'll be on time.
What penmanship.
"Everywhere the ceremony
of innocence is drowned.
The best lack all conviction while the
worst are full of passionate intensity."
There's a lot of other stuff here.
Yeats goes on and on
and here's the finish.
"What rough beast,
its hour come round at last
slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?"
- What did that make you think of?
- Rough beast. My ex-wife.
It's one interpretation.
Not the right one, but a start.
Surely a man of your age must have read
some of the things on my list.
Macbeth?
I saw the movie. Orson Welles.
Great actor. Big actor.
He was a Tall & Fat customer.
- Cat On A Hot Tin Roof?
- I saw the movie.
Burl lves. Great actor. Extra stout.
Another customer.
- A Streetcar Named Desire.
- Great movie. Marlon Brando.
He wasn't that big then,
but he ballooned up nicely.
I'd say pound for pound
our finest American actor.
- Don't you ever read?
- Read? Who has time?
I see the movie. In two hours.
The reason you read these works is so
you can experience them for yourself.
So you can share
the thoughts of the writer
without the interference of your actor,
director and professor's point of view.
You truly share and understand
the common feelings of all mankind.
The feelings of being alive.
That was beautiful.
I understand what you're saying, too.
I'm glad. It makes me feel good.
I've got an idea.
Let's keep talking over dinner.
I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner.
I could cancel, though.
We are working after all.
You can't work on an empty stomach.
You can't concentrate if you're hungry.
I really shouldn't.
I have so many things to do.
I'll help you. I'll take out
the garbage, do the dishes.
I'll do your nails, your hair.
You've no idea what I wanna do.
- I'll call him.
- I'll dial it.
- Let me get the light.
- I think I'm attracted to teachers.
I took out an English teacher,
but I sent her a love letter
and she corrected it.
Oh, great. Company.
- Those two ought to get a room.
- Really.
Actually, I was married twice.
My first wife, Jason's mother,
I really loved.
We had a good thing going.
She passed away about ten years ago.
After that, I screwed around
for a few years.
Then I went nuts.
I married Vanessa.
I was lonely, I guess.
- Is that over?
- We were doomed from the start.
I'm an earth sign, she's a water sign.
Together we made mud.
I picked a beauty.
She played around, too.
When she said, "I do",
I should have said, "With who?"
- So are you giving up on women?
- I can't figure women out.
Today, they're independent,
only think about themselves.
During sex, Vanessa
screamed out her own name.
I think men are different.
The women's movement made men want
to show you how sensitive they are.
Before, they were too macho.
Now they're too soft.
You all want us to know you can cry.
With women, I never cry, never.
I beg.
If we finish this bottle of wine,
you won't have to beg.
Diane!
- Oh! Oh, Philip.
- We were supposed to go to dinner.
I just had dinner.
I don't believe this.
Maybe it's a dream.
Good night, Philip.
Do a good job.
What do you charge for big cars?
I had a lot of fun, Thornton.
Me too.
And thanks for the lesson.
I learned a lot.
You're welcome.
I did, too.
Well, uh...
Well, I guess this is good night.
Yeah.
A very good night.
Beautiful.
Oh.
That's it, that's the spot.
Just keep doing that.
Oh, don't lose it. Oh, oh!
Oh, Lou, you're great. The leg
is better. You got the cramp out.
You're a wreck.
You got to start working out.
And you know what else.
You have got mid-terms coming up.
You haven't studied since you got here.
You're always so neat.
You're just like your uncle Vito.
As kids, his room was always in order,
towels lined up,
hair lotions in the right place.
What is he today?
An attendant in a men's room.
Hey! He's my idol.
But... I'm not going to be
folding towels any more.
'Cause I just made - ta-da!
- The diving team.
The di... That's great! Hey! Gee...
I'm taking you out.
We're having a party.
No, Dad. That's really nice,
but I'm in training.
We got a meet coming up
against Northern.
We'll have a party after the meet.
Dad, why don't you join me
on a little reality break?
Being in love with Dr. Turner does not
mean you're gonna pass her course.
You've got a major paper on Kurt
Vonnegut and you haven't read the books.
I tried.
I don't understand a word of it.
So how are you gonna
write the paper then?
Hi. I'm Kurt Vonnegut.
I'm looking for Thornton Melon.
Uh... you wanna come in? Dad?
D-O-G. Dog.
One more word out
of you and it's back to the tree.
Come in.
Excuse me. Dr. Barazini?
I'm Thornton Melon.
Oh, yes. Thornton Melon. I know you.
You delivered the paper on isomagnetic
brain waves at Montreal last year.
No. I sold you your pants.
Of course. Good to see you.
What are you doing here?
I have to report here
for my lab project.
Oh, good.
I'm trying to teach these apes
how to read and write.
Teach 'em to go to the bathroom first.
Oh, you'll get used to that.
Now, all you have to do
is put a new tape
in the tape machine every hour
and observe the animals.
I'll be back in a few hours
to check on you.
Fine. See you later.
You don't need this.
I'll find you an organ-grinder.
Hi, Marge. Few things. I need you all
down here as fast as you can.
And Peterson, the accountant,
I need him too.
Oh, thanks.
And Marge, I need...
See if you can get somebody
at the Rand Corporation
to come down here for about a week.
What?
Russell hits him
with a powerful body slap.
No problem.
They're taking a break, that's all.
In 1971, the United States
accumulated deficit
greater than the supply of gold
the country held.
In that year, Richard Nixon took
the United States off the gold standard.
In doing so, he disrupted...
...the entire international
monetary system.
What is that clicking noise?
Are you a student in this class?
Uh, no.
Who are you?
I'm Marge Sweetwater.
Mr. Thornton Melon's private secretary.
What are you doing here?
Ooh. I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.
He told you to write down
everything I said?
Yes, he did.
Good.
Take this down.
Mr. Melon, no matter what you do,
no matter what stunts you pull,
no matter how hard you try,
you will never, ever pass this course.
Make sure he gets that.
Yes, sir.
I'll tell you what,
it's for Barbay. Make it an A.
Where's the lab report on psychology?
Oh, thank you.
It's too light. It feels like a C.
Bulk it up and add a few
multi-colored graphs.
- Yo, Dad.
- Jason, hold it, will ya?
Everybody, let's see As
across the board.
A ten-percent bonus
for every grade over B.
- A plus gets you a free trip to Hawaii.
- Ooh!
Off season.
Dad, what's going on here?
- I'm doing my homework.
- No, they're doing your homework.
Jason, a good executive knows
how to delegate authority.
Here, I took care of you too.
- What's this?
- Your Astronomy report.
- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?
I'm gonna write that paper.
That's why I'm taking Astronomy,
to learn something.
You'll never learn a goddamn thing
if people do your work for you.
Kids. They always do things
the hard way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the visiting team,
Northern University Wildcats.
And your Grand Lakes University Hooters!
Hey, there's your boy.
Jason!
Valerie, how are you doing?
I'm glad you've come. My dad is having
a little party tonight over at the dorm.
It should be great.
His parties usually are.
I'd love to come.
Except I have a date.
Uh, well, bring him along.
That's OK. You can both come by.
- I'll try.
- Good. I hope I'll see you there.
Sounds fun.
I wish my dad were like yours.
Hey, Chas.
- Good luck, buddy. Let's get them.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Melon. I'd wish you luck too
but I guess you don't need luck.
- What do you mean?
- With your old man behind you,
since he bought your way onto the team,
he probably bought off the judges too.
Oh, there's Thornton.
Diane!
I can't imagine
what you can possibly see in that man.
Philip, would you excuse me
for a minute?
Yes, yes!
- You look great.
- Thanks.
Where've you been? I made dates
with your answering machine.
Sorry I missed you. I've been busy
reading mid-term papers, grading exams.
- Read mine?
- No, but I look forward to it.
I'm throwing a party tonight,
and you'd better be there.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've a date
with Philip tonight.
Bring him along. We may run out of ice.
First diver for Grand Lakes
University, Chas Osbourne.
Hey, Coach. How are you?
Next diver
for Grand Lakes, Jason Delon.
Melon.
♪ Everybody's crazy
What's up? This is always
the best party of the year.
Some big event at the dorms.
We're thinking of going.
- To Melon's? Are you nuts?
- Why don't we go?
- Valerie, please, it'll be horrible.
- Jason said it would be great.
Jason's a twerp. We could have won
if it weren't for him.
- Haven't you ever messed up?
- No.
♪ I'm all dressed up
with nowhere to go
Ooh! Hey, ooh! Hey, baby!
♪ Walking with a dead man
over my shoulder
♪ All dressed up with nowhere to go
I love three girls at once!
I fall asleep, they have each other
to talk to.
Nice look. What are you going for,
the heavily disassociated artist thing,
or the "I'm going blind" thing?
Huh? Oh, it's the deaf thing.
This will cheer you up.
Ooh, do me!
Derek, get up. You look like
the poster boy for birth control.
Jason, it's a party.
What's your story?
What's the matter, the swim meet?
Forget about it,
it's history.
Jason, come on. Snap into it!
You're right. It doesn't matter, Dad.
What do you say? Come on!
Hey, buddy!
Everybody make some noise,
have some fun!
- What's that noise?
- It's a party. Mid-terms, remember?
They're just blowing off steam.
You there!
What's going on?
The Melon man's throwing
the greatest party of all time.
The whole world is there.
It's the best thing
ever to happen to me!
Oh, God!
Look at that! Listen to that racket.
This is disgraceful.
- I should phone Security.
- Oh, Philip.
Good. Apparently I'm not the only one
around here with a sense of decency.
Did you see? Where are you going?
Intellectual curiosity.
It sounds fun. Come with me.
- Oh, please!
- Oh, Philip!
♪ It's a dead man's party
♪ Who could ask for more?
♪ Everybody's comin'
Leave your body at the door
♪ Leave your body and soul at the door
♪ Don't run away, it's only me
♪ Don't run away, it's only me
♪ Don't leave that way
♪ You cannot see...
- Say when!
- Right after this drink.
Hey, what's a bath without bubbles?
Hey, Bubbles, come over here!
Well...
Oh, hi there.
- What's your favorite subject?
- Poetry.
Really? Well, maybe you can help me
straighten out my Longfellow.
Excuse me, have you seen
Thornton Melon?
- Uh, I think he's in there.
- Great.
Excuse me, has anyone seen
Thornton Melon?
Now that's what I call marine biology!
Diane.
Say hello to my nieces.
Wait a minute!
Jason?
I was looking all over for you.
Jason, are you OK?
I'm sorry about the swim meet.
Shit.
The swim meet.
Think I care about the swim meet?
It's just a stupid college game.
It's just bullshit.
Why are you acting like this?
- I know you don't think like that.
- You do?
Grow up, Valerie.
You think this is real?
College is a dream world,
something to pass the time
until you can start buying people.
Let's go for a walk and talk this out.
There you are.
Can we go? I'm bored.
Christ, will you get
your ass outta here?
Oh, another shit-faced Melon.
Shall I knock your teeth
down your throat?
Easy, Melon. Your father isn't here
to back you up this time.
Don't!
Are you OK?
Jason,
I was looking for ya.
Hey, come here! Where are you going?
Where am I going?
I'm leaving school. One of us has to go
and you're having a great time.
Why? I don't get it.
- Because you didn't win the meet?
- Not because I didn't win.
Because Chas told me you bribed
the coach to put me on the team.
What, and you believed him?
I've never lied to you.
I didn't bribe the coach.
You're on the team
because you deserve it.
Dad, you don't get it.
Everything I have is because of you.
Because of you, I get my
Astronomy homework done by NASA.
I just want the best for you.
That's all I ever wanted.
I did it all for you.
I know, but you don't know when to quit.
I know you came to help
and I appreciate it.
It's really sweet
and it's really not working.
- Let me do something for myself!
- I just want to see you happy.
Well, take a good look.
'Cause I was a lot happier
when I was miserable.
- I enjoyed reading that, Susan.
- Thanks.
Diane, why did you fail me?
I didn't, Thornton, you failed me.
- Was it because of last night?
- No.
I accept the fact that you're
completely regressed emotionally.
But you won't pass my course
by turning in someone else's work.
- You think someone else wrote this?
- I know you didn't.
That's what disappoints me.
And whoever did write it
has no idea about Kurt Vonnegut.
And another thing, Vonnegut,
I'm gonna stop payment on the check.
What's that? Fuck me?
Hey, Kurt, do you read lips? Fuck you!
Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum.
Derek, have you seen Jason?
I think he's on
a three-state killing spree.
Here's some more potentially bad news.
Dean Martin wants you in his office.
Dean Martin?
And she said, "Let's do it,
the room's already paid for!"
Oh, golly.
I'm afraid we have a potentially
unpleasant situation here.
Phil, would you repeat to Mr. Melon
the allegations that you've made to me?
The work you handed in is not your own.
I'm accusing you of academic fraud.
Fraud is such an ugly word.
Considering the financial generosity
Mr. Melon has shown
towards our fine university.
I think Mr. Melon should be expelled.
What are you going to do about it?
Well... Thornton, I'm only going to
ask you this one time,
is the work that you turned in your own?
I can't lie to you, Dean Martin.
Yes, it is.
I'm satisfied.
- Phil?
- I'm outraged.
Gee whizz, Phil, I just asked Melon
if the work was his and he said yes.
Now, what do you want me to do,
torture him?
I suggest a comprehensive
oral examination
conducted by all
of Mr. Melon's professors.
- Oral examination?
- Yes.
If you've done the work
you say you have,
there should be no problem.
Should there?
Hey.
- Jase.
- Hey, Lou, how are you doing?
Come here, I want to tell you something.
You were pretty hard
on your father last night.
I know, but he doesn't understand.
I've known your pop 30 years.
He understands.
He's a nice guy.
And he's tough, like me.
I'm nice, and I'm tough.
Huh? I'll give you an idea what I mean.
My two boys, I put one through college
and the other I put through a wall.
Your papa loves you, eh?
He's looking out for you.
Look out for him.
OK.
Hey.
What's going on?
I'm leaving. I'm sorry, Jason.
This college thing was a big mistake.
- So you're gonna give up?
- I can't win.
They want me to take orals
in all subjects.
If I don't, they'll kick me out.
And if I take them,
who knows where they'll kick me?
Remember what you told me
when I told you I wanted to quit?
You said a man
without an education is nothing.
- I can't do it, Jason.
- You can do anything.
You can do anything you want in life.
Remember, you're a Melon.
Don't quit. I'll help you.
Before we begin,
I would like to thank
each and every professor here
for taking time out of his/her
extremely busy schedules.
And a special thanks of course
to Mr. Thornton Melon
who I do not have to remind anyone
is the donor of our new
Melon School of Business.
We're wasting time.
Sorry, Phil.
Mr. Melon, you'll have three hours
to complete the examination.
If you fail any part of it,
you will be expelled.
Mr. Melon, do you understand?
- The Council of Trent!
- Excuse me?
- I missed a question.
- We haven't begun yet.
Oh.
Well, Dr. Barbay,
I suppose you're up first.
I have only one question
for Mr. Melon.
In 27 parts.
- I'd like to break him in 27 parts.
- Excuse me?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Discuss the foundations
of modern global business systems.
Part one. Define and differentiate
the three economic philosophies
of capitalism, socialism and communism
as pertains to a) management
fundamentals,
b) organizing and staffing,
c) labor management,
and d) production and operations.
Part two.
- Are you getting all this, Mr. Melon?
- Yeah, it's a piece of cake.
Jason?
Valerie.
I wanted to apologize
for the other night
for my behavior, the things I said.
And to thank you for your behavior
and the things you said.
Really sorry.
And I'm in love with you
and have been for ages
and I can't believe I'm saying this.
And I don't wanna... embarrass you
or make you feel uncomfortable with me
but, uh...
I've been needing to tell you this
for a very long time.
Um...
Are you aware that that's the most
you've ever said to me at one time?
Oh, except for the time
when you were ravingly drunk.
I love you too.
In response to Roman numeral 27,
section three, part two of subset D,
of the question,
the answer is...
Mr. Melon?
- Mr. Melon?
- Hey, hey, relax.
This man's under a lot of pressure.
Let's take it easy.
Say it! Say it!
The answer is... four.
Right.
Dr. Turner?
Hold it. That's it.
I can't take it no more.
I feel like I just gave birth.
To an accountant.
Wait a minute, Thornton.
Thornton, do you remember when we
discussed the Dylan Thomas poem,
Do not Go Gentle
into that Good Night?
I don't know. No.
- Maybe.
- Thornton, think.
What's going on here?
Philip, relax. It's my turn.
Do you remember it?
"Do not go gentle into...
into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage
at... at close of day;
Rage... rage against
the dying of the light.
Wild men who court
and sang the sun in flight,
And learned, too late,
they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle to that good night."
"Grave men, near death,
who see with blinding sight,
Blind eyes could blaze
like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.
And you, my father,
there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now
with your fierce tears I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light."
Thornton, what does that poem
mean to you?
It means...
I don't take shit from no one.
I'm gonna pass this test.
I'm staying in school. Who's next?
Now diving
for the Atlantic Eastern Seagulls,
current conference champion,
Doug Nelson.
What do you almost never see?
Somebody heckling a diver.
All right, kid.
Please refrain from
making loud noises during the dives.
Next up for the
Atlantic Eastern Seagulls
Bill Steincap.
That concludes
Atlantic Eastern's ten-meter dives.
Next up, Grand Lakes Hooters.
I'd like to remind you that tickets
to all Grand Lakes sporting events
are available from
the student services office.
Were you interested in Valerie Desmond?
She's with me.
Coming into your own, are you, Melon?
I wouldn't break my arm
patting myself on the back.
Because get this, towel boy.
No matter what you think,
you will always be a crude, obnoxious,
nouveau-riche little fleeb.
You'll end up like your father.
God, I hope so.
'Cause I love the guy.
First up for
Grand Lakes University,
Chas Osbourne,
former national high school champion.
There he is.
Jason dive yet?
- No. Did you pass?
- They're letting me know.
Now diving
for Grand Lakes University,
Jason Melon.
Attaboy, Jason, you did it!
Can you believe it? We could win.
Melon's dive has
put the Hooters back in this meet.
- Ow!
- What's the matter?
You're up next, Chas.
I have got a really bad cramp.
I've been having cramps all week.
- It's probably menstrual.
- Screw you, Melon.
Coach Turnbull,
you got another eligible diver?
Melon!
Melon, we need ya!
Get your suit on!
Go ahead.
The shape I'm in, you could donate
my body to science fiction.
Get your suit on. We need ya!
Come on, pal. Show them what you got.
Melon! We need ya!
Now diving in substitution
for Grand Lakes University,
Thornton Melon!
He... He's on my substitute roster,
but I don't have it right now.
But what I'll do, first chance I get,
I'll bring it to you.
- What dive is he gonna do?
- The Triple Lindy.
Melon!
Melon! Melon! Melon!
Melon! Melon! Melon! Melon!
Melon! Melon! Melon!
There will be an additional
spring board installed
for Melon's dive,
- the Triple Lindy.
- Is that hard?
It's impossible.
You did it!
- That was great.
- Told you!
Oh, you were great! That was incredible.
I guess there's nothing you can't do.
I've got the results of your exams.
- Do I wanna hear them?
- You passed. All Ds.
And an A.
- Who gave me the A?
- I did.
I would like to
introduce our speaker.
This is the first time in the history
of this fine institution
that a freshman has given this address.
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Dean Martin,
President Sinclair,
and members of the graduating class.
I have only one thing to say to you.
It's a jungle out there.
You gotta look out for number one.
But don't step in number two.
And so, to all you graduates,
as you go out into the world,
my advice to you is
don't go!
It's rough out there.
Move back with your parents.
Let them worry about it.
♪ What you want
Baby, I got it
- ♪ What you need
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ You know I got it
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ All I'm askin'
- ♪ Ooh
♪ Is for a little respect
when you come home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Hey, baby
♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Come home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Mister
- ♪ Just a little bit
♪ I ain't gonna do you wrong
♪ While you're gone
- ♪ I ain't gonna do you wrong
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ 'Cause I don't wanna
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ All I'm askin'
- ♪ Ooh
♪ Is for a little respect
when you come home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Baby
♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ When you get home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Yeah
- ♪ Just a little bit
♪ I'm about to give you
♪ All of my money
♪ And all I'm askin'
♪ In return, honey
♪ Is to give me my propers
- ♪ When you get home
- ♪ Just a, just a, just a
- ♪ Yeah, baby
- ♪ Just a, just a, just a
- ♪ When you get home
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Yeah
- ♪ Just a little bit
♪ Ooh, your kisses
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ Sweeter than honey
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ And guess what?
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ So is my money
- ♪ All I want you to do for me
- ♪ Ooh
♪ Is give it to me when you get
home
- ♪ Re, re, re, re
- ♪ Yeah, baby
- ♪ Whip it to me
- ♪ Respect
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ When you get home
- ♪ Now
- ♪ Just a little bit
♪ R - E - S - P - E - C - T
♪ Find out what it means to me
♪ R - E - S - P - E - C - T
♪ Take care, TCB, oh!
♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
- ♪ A little respect
- ♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
- ♪ Whoa, babe
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ A little respect
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ I get tired
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Keep on tryin'
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ You're runnin' out of foolin'
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ And I ain't lyin'
- ♪ Just a little bit
- ♪ Re, re, re, re
- ♪ Respect
- ♪ When you come home
- ♪ Re, re, re, re
- ♪ Or you might walk in
- ♪ Respect, just a little bit
- ♪ And find out I'm gone
- ♪ Just a little bit... ♪
♪ It's your life
and I'm not gonna live it
♪ A change is coming and it's overdue
♪ I'm gonna take you over the limit
♪ You know I'm only
looking out for you
♪ Get lucky, I get lucky
♪ And I'll see you get lucky too
♪ I'll be there
when you get there right
♪ That's the beauty of living my life
♪ Hold on baby,
I'm taking you back to school
♪ When logic has gone,
don't lose your head
♪ You just turn to me instead
♪ Hold on, baby,
now here we go back to school
♪ Here we go
♪ I gonna wear a big school letter
♪ I'm gonna write poetry
♪ Why don't you take off
that big, blue sweater?
♪ Come on, we'll make history
♪ Get lucky, I get lucky
♪ I'll see you get lucky too
♪ I'll be there when you get me right
♪ That's the beauty of living my life
♪ Hold on, baby,
I'm taking you back to school
♪ When logic has gone,
don't lose your head
♪ You just turn to me instead
♪ Hold on, baby,
now here we go back to school ♪