Bachelor in Paradise (1961) - full transcript

♪ When she sighs ♪

♪ And her baby-blue eyes
embrace your face ♪

♪ Lies, all lies ♪

♪ What the lady wants
is your closet space ♪

♪ Bachelor ♪

♪ In paradise ♪

♪ Be careful ♪

♪ Bachelor ♪

♪ In paradise ♪

♪ Beware ♪

♪ Lights down low ♪



♪ Frankie's records
and cocktails on the floor ♪

♪ You should know ♪

♪ It's the garden of Eden
scene once more ♪

♪ Adam ♪

♪ Come on, be smart ♪

♪ Just take your fig leaf ♪

♪ And depart ♪

♪ And leave one bachelor less ♪

♪ In paradise ♪

These days,
as you may have noticed,

many a motion picture opens

with a scene
which rightly belongs

somewhere in the middle
of the story,

but this picture opens
where the story begins,



somewhere in
the south of France.

Pardonnez-moi, madame.

Chapter seven--
"the French widow."

The mature French woman

has elevated
the physical act
of kissing

to an artistic level

unattained by any other society.

Kissing
an experienced
French woman

provides the average male

with a sensation

that compares favorably

with, uh...

With, uh...

Pardon.

Pardonnez-moi, monsieur Niles.

A transatlantic call
from your publisher.

Oh.

Pick it up right there.

Hello?
Hello, Austin?

I've had you paged
all over France.

I've been calling all night,

and all I can get
from the operator

is that you're out
or your line's engaged,

whatever that is.

It's noon here,

and I haven't had breakfast yet.

Dear lad, how are you?

Hard at work.

I'm up to chapter seven

on how the French live.

How's it coming?

Fine. I'm two weeks
ahead in research,

four months behind in writing.

I'm afraid you'll
have to fly back, Adam.

What? Why?

Because of the demands of
the United States government--

a very large
domestic organization.

I used to get my mail from them.

Is anything wrong?

Wrong? You're in serious
difficulties, Adam,

to be euphemistic about it.

I'll see you in Washington
tomorrow afternoon.

In the middle of a book?

You're in the middle
of a tornado, Adam.

Now, climb on that next
jet out of Paris,

and don't speak
to a soul--no publicity.

Yes, but, Austin,
it's not that--

in fact, if anybody asks,

deny that you're a.J. Niles.

Use an alias--
your mother's
maiden name.

Or was Niles
your mother's
maiden name?

Your innuendo is offensive.

What innuendo?

Uncle Sam has been
calling you one for days.

$628,470?

According to our
present calculations.

It may be more.

But I didn't earn that much.

Even the government
can't take over 100%.

They subpoenaed me.

I had to give them the figures.

Mr. Niles,

you've
been overseas
for 14 years.

You wrote
a dozen books
which grossed

a total of $1,214,704.63.

But what about my expenses?

We have no record of any.

I sent them to
my business manager.

I explained that, Adam.

You're responsible
for the actions

of your business
manager, Mr. Niles.

Any idea where he ran off to?

Vanished like smoke.

I can't believe

Herman Wappinger is dishonest.

That man wears piping
on his vest.

In all the years
that Mr. Wappinger

has handled your affairs,

he never once filed
your income tax return.

Now, we're sympathetic,
Mr. Niles,

but this is
a clear case of fraud.

My life's earnings
down the drain,

just because I was stupid enough

to give Herman Wappinger
my power of attorney.

I'm not only a criminal--
I'm a pauper.

You haven't a dime, Adam.

The department has attached

all your royalties.

We had to, Mr. Niles.
That's the law.

I know that law.
It's called "instant poverty."

Put me in jail--
at least I can eat.

That won't be necessary.

Mr. palfrey posted
your surety bond.

Oh, thanks, Austin.

Then I'm free to leave?

Free to leave this office,
but not this country.

Thanks...

A million...

214 thousand...

704 dollars...

And 63 cents.

Shoo!

I'm an American citizen.

They can't force me
to stay in this country.

Yes, they can, dear boy.

Until you pay back
those $624,000,

or until
Herman Wappinger's
conscience

forces him to materialize.

Herman's probably on a yacht

with four beautiful gals.

I hope he's taking notes.

Meanwhile, what do I do?

You could go to work.

I could go back
to the sports desk--

$62.50 a week
and passes
for the dog show.

No. I have an idea--
your next book.

I haven't finished

researching my last one.

Then you can
start researching
your next one--

how the Americans live.

You're joking.

A Niles'-eye view of America

might be sensational.

If it's like your others,

half of all Americans
will buy it

just to see what they've missed.

The other half will buy it

to see what you've missed.

You've got to, Adam!

But how? How am I going to live?

I'll subsidize you--
your rent and...

$75 a week.

$75?

Don't go over budget

just to save a life.

85--no more. Eat oatmeal
instead of caviar.

It tastes terrible
with champagne.

I'll need a secretary.

One ugly secretary.

One that can type, huh?

One more thing--
this is America.

Our attitude towards our women

is different.

Sex hasn't gone out, has it?

No.

I'd heard
it'd been replaced
by television.

While you're here,
no experiments with women.

How can I research?

Strictly by observation,
dear boy.

If you get involved,
no more allowance.

I'm in trouble enough.

I'll stay in bucks county.

Not typical.

Nowadays, the average American

lives in
a planned community--
a housing development.

Those tract things

where they
replace old slums
with new slums?

Oh, they're more
appealing than that.

Take, for example,
paradise village.

Paradise village?

Yecch!

Sounds revolting.

It's a modern community
in the San Fernando valley.

Who lives there--
Horses?

Fortunes have been made

in such communities
as paradise village.

I've invested a little myself.

And with the population
growth in California,

it forms a cross-section
of the entire country.

I've arranged for
a house for you there.

And you expect me to live there?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I better get
my distemper shots.

You better wait for me.

My name is Adams.
Jack Adams.

We've been expecting you.

My cab driver
didn't know how
to get to paradise.

He's an atheist.

Ha ha!
Come right this way.

Uh...

Mr. Adams is here.

How do you do, Mr. Adams?

I'm Rosemary Howard.

You are? Well,
what a pleasant surprise.

Oh? What were you expecting?

Well, frankly, nothing.

Your house is ready for you.

Won't you sit down?

Mr. palfrey said
you weren't sure

how long you'd stay,

so it's a month-
to-month lease,
all right?

That'll be fine.

It's a standard form.

Don't you want to
see the house first?

It'll be adequate.

You're sure?

It's the only one, isn't it?

Yes. We don't usually
rent in paradise,

but we hope you'll
decide to buy here.

If you're selling, I'll buy.

A rental car will
arrive tomorrow,

but I'll take you over now

if you like.

I'd love.

Let me pay the cab
and get my bags.

Ahh!

Our Mr. Adams has arrived!
Welcome to paradise, Adams!

Mr. Adams, this is Mr. Jynson--

developer and president
of the tract.

Oh.

Well, you're a friend
of Austin palfrey's, huh?

It's a pleasure
to have you aboard.

You will find
this truly is paradise.

Schools, churches, country club,

playground, pool,
shopping center.

As we say,

a family can live
a full and happy life

in paradise

and never leave the village.

They're allowed to, aren't they?

Oh, of course.

You and your family--

I don't have a family.

No family?

Mr. Adams is a bachelor?

Well, don't worry.
It's not catching.

I know, but
a bachelor in paradise--

you'll be the only one.

That sounds like fun.

I better pay my cab driver.

I'd hate to put him
in a higher bracket.

Rosemary.

Ginny.

Does your mother know
you're reading this trash?

I'm 18.

Rosemary, may I see you?

Would you show Mr. Adams
to my car, please?

Crazy.

A Latin student, huh?

I'm not sure this is good.

He's a bachelor,

and it's a family community.

I'm a bachelor, too.

You're a woman.
That's different.

Why? I understand it takes

a member of each sex.

You're a special case.

You're steering away from men--

and I wish you'd
get over that,
Rosemary.

We were discussing Mr. Adams.

When it comes
to personal matters,

I suggest
you concern
yourself more

with your own domestic problems.

I didn't appreciate that remark.

Sorry, but if you
weren't suspicious

of every Tom,
dick, and Harry,
you and Dolores--

never mind Dolores.

Whose house did you
get for Adams, huh?

Mine.

You rented him your house?

Mm-hmm. I moved in
with old Mrs. Curtis.

She needed someone
to care for her, anyway.

Why don't you think of yourself

for a change?

A girl like you

could have anything if she'd...

If she'd be sweet, charming...

Or just obliging to a man?

Just because of one
unhappy experience--

that's all I needed.

I'm on my own, Tom,

and I intend to stay that way.

Excuse me.
Mr. Adams is waiting.

You're much more attractive

than my last
cab driver, Mrs. Howard.

Thank you, but it's miss Howard.

Miss?

Don't they harvest
the crops around here?

Well, you're a bachelor.

But that's intentional.
I mean, anytime--

oh, I know,

but you may be more
amazed to learn

that some women
remain single
intentionally.

I think we'll hit it off.

When I left,
if a man wanted a house,

he built one--
That was that.

You must have been
away a long time.

What's all that up there?

That's paradise hills,

Mr. Jynson's new development,

but he had to stop
work on it awhile.

The minute I met him, I thought,

"here's a man with
an arrested development."

Mr. Jynson is

a very intelligent businessman.

What's holding up
paradise hills?

It's a personal matter,

but only temporary.

Will you do your work

in the valley or downtown?

At home.

I'll need a secretary
for typing.

Is there anybody
in the neighborhood?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

I'll inquire around,

but most women in paradise

have husbands and children.

A lot of families
get started that way.

It would be pink.

That's not pink.

That's California coral.

Who thinks up all the names

for colors in this country--

Tennessee Williams?

Just like that--
No key?

There is, but nobody has to
lock a house in paradise.

Hey, it's very attractive.

Even the termites
seem to like it.

That's pecky cypress,

and it's quite the rage.

It's very charming.

What do you call
this style--
early Disneyland?

By sliding these open,
you can bring the outdoors in.

Bugs and all.

This is your TV.

And here's the bar.

Hmm.

The last tenants

must have been real drunks.

There's not a drop left.

There are two bedrooms,
but only one is furnished.

One is all a bachelor needs

if he works it right.

Sweet.

Painter couldn't make up
his mind, huh?

What's this--
a runway for the mice?

If you're so disenchanted,

I'll be happy
to tear up the lease.

Oh, no. No.

It's not a bad
little cracker box.

100 million Americans

would love to live
in this cracker box.

That would make it crowded.

Anything else I can show you?

No. Just let me enjoy

the thrill of discovery.

You have a kitchen,
broom closet...

All the comforts.
Even indoor plumbing.

Good. I hate those long walks.

Good afternoon, Mr. Adams.

Wait. My luggage?

What was that?

The school bus.

Sounds like one of
the kids is driving.

What do you say
I take you to dinner?

Thank you, but I have
a business appointment.

Oh.

Tomorrow night?

Lonely bachelors should
stick together,
don't you think?

Definitely, and if I
find one I think you'd like,

I'll let you know.
Good-bye.

Bye.

Hi. Who are you?

Mr. Adams.
I'm moving in.

I'm Peter.
I live there.

Where?

I won't tell.
I'm not supposed
to talk to strangers.

Is he a stranger?

Sure. Here's my sister--
Mrs. Macintyre.

Mrs. Macintyre?
Well, ma'am,
how do you do?

How do I do what?

It's just not my day for women.

He sure is a stranger.

Come on.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Ohh!

You scared me.
Who are you?

Jack Adams.
Do you come
with the house?

Are you Rosemary's friend?

Not yet.

Then why are you in her house?

Is this Rosemary Howard's house?

Sure.
Didn't you know?

I wish I had.

She's renting this to me,

but she didn't tell me.

Oh! She did say that.

Hi. I'm Linda Delavane,
your next-door neighbor.

I was grinding my garbage.

What's wrong with your grinder?

We don't have one.

See, you get your choice
of garbage disposer

or dishwasher.

The disposer was a little extra,

and Larry didn't
want the obligation.

Larry?

My husband.

You're married?

Better be--
I've got two children.

Larry's a senior inertial
control systems analyst--

an important position.

Especially if you want

your control system analyzed.

You're Southern, aren't you?

Savannah, Georgia!

Sho'.

I met Larry at Michigan
while on scholarship.

Basketball?

Oh! Romance languages.

I was going to teach,
but we got married
the day we graduated.

Then Stevie came along,
and then Dougie,

and now I'm settled down
as a hausfrau.

You're a living soap opera.

Don't you like it here?

For the children,
it's marvelous,

but there's so little
cultural stimulation,

and the good lord didn't intend

for me to use
my phi beta kappa key

to open grated cheese cans.

What are you doing there?

Loosening this so it will start.

Rosemary showed me how.
She's sweet.

When theirs gets stuck,

she takes in garbage
from the whole neighborhood.

Nice of her to find
me this location--

in the middle of things.

Can I help?

Now, hold it firm
and move it around.

Sort of like stirring
the fudge, isn't it?

O.K.

Hold it!

You got it on high?

Wait!

O.K.

They get vicious

when they haven't
been fed for a while,

don't they?

Hello, men!

You broke my drum!

You shouldn't leave it here.

Let's turn this down!

Whew!

David Douglas Delavane!
Who put your cage on?

Mommy did.

He started
eating a bottle
of nail Polish.

You Billy goat.

Stevie, let's get him
ready for dinner.

Linda, I'm home!

I'm here, honey.

Y-your birthday?

Hmm-mm.

Our anniversary?

No.

My birthday?

No. It's Mr. Adams' idea.
He rented Rosemary's house.

He says a man likes to come home

and see his wife
in a pretty frock.

He's right.

You'd like him.

He's nice-looking,
cute, mysterious.

He speaks French.

What's so mysterious about that?

You've got three
guys to feed, baby.

Give me 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

I lost track of time.

Jack and I got to chatting.

I was transported

to all sorts of romantic places.

Forgot all about
dishes and diapers.

So Mr. Adams equals
mystery and romance.

Mr. Delavane equals diapers
and dishes.

Larry!

Some stranger fills my wife

with talk about romantic places,

changing clothes,
and speaking French.

I never did trust that language.

Larry, don't be so sensitive.

Are you jealous?

Me? Jealous?

But there are jealous
husbands around here,

and if Mr. Adams starts
transporting their wives,

we'll have
more trouble in paradise

than Eve started
with that apple!

Say, would you send a cab
to 22931 Katherina street?

Right away.

Thank you.

Are you in a hurry, miss Howard?

Yes.

I have an appointment
at 8:00, but I...

Um...

Just bring me a hamburger
and coffee to go, Thelma.

O.K.

I can't tell you
when I'll be free

for another call.

I don't know
how fast
this nut eats.

Yeah.

Well, guys and gals,

if this didn't get you up,
you're dead.

How the Americans live,
chapter one.

The din dawns with the day.

Throughout most
of the civilized world,

the new day is born
in a silence so profound,

one can imagine
he hears the morning glory

open its petals
to greet the rising sun.

Hour-conscious, minute-counting,
time-saving America

is blasted from sleep

by explosive screams
of the alarm clock radio,

which may largely explain
the frenetic pace

that jangles the nation's nerves
throughout the day.

Timed to the split second,

an entire community
prepares for the day

in a seemingly
well-regulated schedule

that first dispatches
the adult males

and gets them safely

into the aorta
of the city's traffic system--

those marvels of engineering
called freeways

that have contributed so much
to American progress.

The next major movement

of which the objective observer
is aware

comes after an interval

during which the adult females

have attended their basic
household chores.

They run errands,
walk dogs, stroll babies,

borrow, lend, exchange,
and discuss.

And during the period
from sunup till sundown,

the typical American community
is completely matriarchal,

dominated entirely by females--

a no man's land more foreboding
than ancient Scythia,

home of the Amazon.

Hi, stranger.

Well, Mrs. Macintyre,
why aren't you in school?

I had to stay home today.

My husband is sick.

What's the matter?

I think he's pregnant.

Bye.

Go this way, stranger.

What are you
going to buy, stranger?

Lots of things.

Then you better get a wagon.

Sissy, I told you
to wait in the car.

I have to help the stranger.

You're Mr. Adams,
the new gentleman.

I'm Bertha Pickering,
sissy's mother.

I hope she isn't too bothersome.

No. She can help
if you don't object.

Behave now, sissy.

Pardon me.

I was just about to call
the auto club.

I'll be in fresh vegetables.

Stranger, what will you buy?

Let's start with coffee.
Where's that?

Down this way.

Can I have one?

Oh, sure.
Be my guest.

No. No. Not from the bottom.

Can I have some for my husband?

Let me get it, honey.

Floor man, accident on aisle 14.

Big brother is watching you.

He did it!

Where do you get eggs?

From chickens!

Eggs are this way.

Well, you help the nice man

put the cans together, huh?

Here. That's for her husband.

Are there any more
small broilers?

Sorry, ma'am.
Not until the next delivery.

Oh, dear.

Allow me.

Thanks just the same.

I can't cook.

Why'd you buy it?

To practice,
but I can practice
with eggs.

I'll find something else.

We'll split it.

You cook it.

Then bring it to my place,

and we'll share it.

You're very generous.

Don't you think
I'm worth
half a chicken?

I haven't thought of you
in terms of chickens.

I haven't
thought of you, period.

Wait.
I want to apologize

for the things I said yesterday.

Why didn't
you tell me
it was your house?

I thought it would be
less embarrassing.

Please forgive me.

Ours is purely
a business arrangement.

You rented my house, not me.

You're sure you won't reconsider

splitting this broiler tonight?

Tomorrow night?

I'm the safest man
in California.

I'm the most
determined bachelor
you'll ever meet.

That's obvious,
but it doesn't
make you any safer.

You don't think I'd ask a girl

to come to her own house.

Probably, if you could
get away with it.

Pardon me.

Oh, miss Howard!

Dear, you're just
the one I need.

Sign this petition
to help safeguard

the young people
of paradise village.

What is this, Mrs. brown?

The village bookshop

is selling those dreadful books

by a.J. Niles again.

I want them to remove

those nasty volumes

before they corrupt our youth.

Have you ever read
any of the books?

Certainly not.

How do you know
they're so nasty?

Certain chapters in
all of a.J. Niles'
books are nasty.

Everyone knows
that's what makes
him so popular.

I can't see how
the presence of a book
can corrupt anyone.

It's the parents' duty

to censor
their children's reading,

not mine.

I can't sign
your petition,
Mrs. brown.

I'll sign that, Mrs. brown.

Well, you're a good neighbor.

Mr. Adams, isn't it?

That's right.

I admire your attitude,
miss Howard,

but I feel a sense of obligation
to the writer.

Every attempt to suppress books

helps push them atop
the bestseller list.

Thank you,
on behalf of a.J. Niles

and the bureau
of internal revenue.

Floor man,
accident on aisle three.

I see you found the eggs.

I'm sorry!

My fault!

That's all right.

Um...

I hope you don't think
I'm following you,

but something's leaking.

Leaking?

Yeah, from your car,
all over the street.

Here it is.
What is that?

It looks like soap powder.

It is soap powder.

Well, that's all right.
I have several boxes.

This is Rosemary Howard's house.

That's right.
I'm leasing.

Oh, I heard she rented it
to a bachelor.

Jack Adams.

No wonder Tom was so upset

when he heard you had moved in.

Tom?

Tom Jynson.

The blow-hard
who built
this no man's land.

I'm Mrs. Tom Jynson.

Well, I'm sorry.
I--

that's quite all right.

Blow-hard's a good word for him.

Here. Let me help.
You get the others.

I'll get the rest.

Certainly neighborly
of you, Mrs. Jynson.

Dolores.

Thank you, Dolores.

Can I help you
with something else?

I love to do for a man,

and Tom doesn't need me

to do for him lately.

Is there something
I can do for you?

Show me how
the washing machine works.

Oh, that's nothing.

I already put the laundry in.

You did?

You put the soap in

this little trap door on top.

Then you, um,
you turn this dial.

Is that all?

Mm-hmm. Simple.

Why don't you go ahead
and get things started,

and I'll put the groceries away.

O.K.

I keep everything
on the top shelf.

Hey, don't put in too much soap.

How much is too much?

Well, that's more than enough.

Oh, gosh, yes.

Now you close this,

and you just, uh,

well, you just turn this dial.

I must have left
some change
in the pockets.

The first cycle's the noisiest.

Then it settles down to a roar.

Don't wear yourself
out this way.

You're too pretty
for the kitchen.

Oh?

Um, I'm not keeping you

from anything urgent, am I?

I was going to dust,
but I can do that later.

Am I holding you up?

You are...From my cocktail hour.

Isn't it early?

What else is there to do?

In alphabetical order?

Um, there's something
I might explain

about Tom and me

that would put your mind
very at ease.

Can you make
a really dry Gibson?

Five parts gin,

and I think
for a moment
about the vermouth.

See, we're separated.

We hardly ever see each other.

That put your mind at ease?

Just my conscience.

My mind's having a ball.

We're more than
separated, really.

We're about to be divorced.

I, uh, consider myself
an unattached woman...

Practically...

If you know what I mean.

I'm terribly afraid I do.

Woop.

Excuse me.

Mmm...

Here's a little hitchhiker.

Thank you.

We have community
property laws
in this state,

and he's finding out

he can't treat me
the way he treats me.

Aren't you having one?

Little early for me.

Early? It's April.
Cheers.

So, until he acts like
a real husband should,

I'm going to keep
all that money tied up,

and his paradise hills
can just sit there.

You're the reason
they stopped working
on that?

Me and my lawyers.

He thinks he's so smart.

Oh, he's made a fortune,

but he's all business, that man.

I found the loveliest
house in bel air.

I went into escrow,
but would he sign?

Not Tom Jynson.

He stays in paradise

where he can keep his finger
on the pulse of things.

That's a laugh.

Is it?

Sure! He moves
to a hotel and leaves me
stuck in paradise.

Oh, thank you.

But a woman gets
that lonely feeling.

She wants somebody to admire her

and tell her
how pretty she looks

and things like that.

Why don't you come over here
where we can talk?

You're coming in loud and clear.

Oh, come on!

You're so sympathetic
and understanding.

You're a very easy woman
to understand.

Am I?

Uh-huh.

May I ask you
a very personal question?

Mm-hmm.

Do you find me
attractive as a woman?

You're extremely
attractive
as a woman.

Tom doesn't find me attractive.

He used to, but not anymore.

That's the trouble with
those real-estate men.

Once they get you
through escrow,

they lose interest.

He goes out with other women,

one very other woman
in particular--Rosemary.

Rosemary Howard?

They were together all the time.

He used to leave me
night after night after night.

It was always business,

and it was always Rosemary.

I'm, uh, a lonely woman, Jack.

So very, very lonely.

Yeah, I'm beginning
to see what you mean.

Have you ever thought
of buying a parakeet?

They say tropical fish are fun.

I can't help it.

I'm not made of stone, you know?

Not unless they're doing
some new things with it.

I'm kind of lonely here myself.

You are?
I'm a marvelous cook!

I'll make you breakfast.

I had breakfast.

Tomorrow's?

It'll get cold.

Well, I'll come over
and heat it up.

Oh, my gosh!

I must have pushed
the wrong dial!

What'd you set it for,
Niagara Falls?

We got to shut it off.

Aah! Ooh!

Mommy, look.

The house is throwing up.

What's happening?

Wait here.
Watch the kids.

Oh, Jack, what's wrong?

The washing machine.

Get back!

When it switches to rinse,
the whole town may go.

I'll phone for help.

Oh, Jack.
This is awful.

First time
I've seen a kitchen
with a head on it.

Don't make any waves.

What's that?

Look for a lump with a tail.

Aah!

Linda! Linda!

She'll be bubbled to death.

Oh, Linda. Linda.

Here! Take him.

Hope he doesn't shrink.
He'll be a chihuahua.

Aah! Mad dog!

Mad house!

Where's the fire?

No fire.

What did you call us for?

If I hollered "soap!"
Who'd come?

Rosemary, when's the last time

you stopped by your house?

A week ago. Why?

Did it look
as if there was any
dirty work going on?

Dirty work?

You know.

No, I don't know.

The house never looked cleaner.

There is definitely
something strange
going on.

Drive down Katherina street,

and you'll see women--
our ladies--

wearing lipstick
and dresses, during the day!

It's starting to spread
throughout paradise.

Tom, exactly
what is Mrs. brown
telling you?

I'll tell you what she told me.

She told me that
your harmless Mr. Adams

is entertaining women
every afternoon in your house.

Collectively or individually?

Either way, I don't like it.

It looks bad.

I want you to find out
what is going on.

Just picture this scene
for yourselves--

your husband comes home.
He walks in the house.

He finds candles flickering
and the table set for two,

soft, romantic music,

vintage wine chilled,

a faint, alluring scent
of perfume.

The setting is perfect.

Then he discovers a woman
he's never seen before--

beautiful, seductive, exciting.

What does he do?

I'll kill him!

Ha ha ha!

The woman is you.

Oh!

It'll be an evening
you'll always remember.

You'll awaken passions
you've never known before.

I guarantee it'll work.

But what about the children?

Cooperate,
just like the Europeans.

Leland's due home tonight.
Would you watch Janie?

You take my three tomorrow.

I'll take the boys tonight.

That's the idea, girls.

Tomorrow, I want a report
from all who try it tonight.

Happy hunting and
toujours I'amour.

Hi, Rosemary.

You missed the most
fascinating discussion.

Why haven't you
joined our group?

I haven't had time, Camille.

I stopped by on business.

See you.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

It was wonderful.

Well, won't you come in?

I'll only be a minute.

What sort of a group
have you formed,
Mr. Adams?

It's surely not aa.

One harmless Martini each
just to loosen up.

Care for one?

I tighten up with Martinis.

Have you found a secretary?

I thought you were
looking into that.

You seem to be
interviewing all the women,
every afternoon.

We're conducting
a cultural exchange.

Discussions
of life, love,
and the pursuit.

It's had
a bracing effect
on the community.

There's been a run on girdles.

Your friend Niles' books
are all sold out.

How do you know
he's a friend of mine?

You signed that petition.

Do you really know him?

Intimately.

We worked
on the same
sports department

back in Cleveland.

Is he as wicked as his books?

I find him fascinating.

You'd like a.J. Niles.

Splendid fellow.

A bachelor, too, by the way.

What's he look like?

He's devilishly attractive.

I haven't seen a picture.

Most writers
have their portraits
on the backs of books.

If his face became well-known,

it'd be a handicap
to his research.

I'll tell you one thing.

He'd be crazy about you.

Oh?

What makes you so sure?

Your attitude.

Your refreshingly
realistic attitude.

You don't have
any of the natural
female instinct

to deprive
a bachelor
of his freedom.

I stopped by to tell you

I could get you
a part-time secretary.

You could have called that in.

See how it works?
Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

I'm not sure.
Hold on.

Are you busy tonight,

miss Howard?

For dinner, I mean.

Yes.

Do you know someplace

we can have dinner for $5.00?

My allowance is late.

Barbecue's fine.

Where?

The pig pit?

If you say so.

I'll pick you up around 7:00.

O.K. You pick me up.
Bye.

I thought the four of us
could eat together.

The four of us?

Me and my date,
and you and Tom Jynson.

He's a married man.

Dolores Jynson's
a married woman.

They're practically divorced.

The four of us
would be quite
civilized.

Could be quite amusing.

Thanks, Mr. Adams,

but I'm not that desperate
for amusement.

Good-bye.

The American woman,
in her desperation,

driven toward what she regards

as equality
with the American man,

has somehow lost
the art of romance.

Now her love
for the conveniences--

the electric can opener, TV--

That could be stronger.

Let me see...

Memo--check the girls tomorrow

to see how the experiment
turned out.

Camille, honey, I'm home!

Well?

Excuse me, madam.
Must be in the wrong house.

Leland Quinlaw!

I did not lose
the electric light money

in the bridge game!

Then turn them on.

I want candlelight and romance!

I want the lights on!

And what's with the violins?

Who needs this?

I want to see my kids,

and I'm not going to
eat dinner in the bedroom!

Take off that ridiculous dress!

Hey, baby.
Come here!

Larry!

You want to play on the couch!

Larry, I've got to think.

Not for what
I've got in mind, baby!

You and your ideas, baby.
You fracture me.

Why don't we do this
every night?

You don't, um, miss the kids?

What kids?

Baby.

Hmm?

Let's skip dinner.

Mmm...It's cold now anyway.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Oh, c'est la vie!

The ribs were delicious.

You should have tasted them.

Mm-hmm.

Shrimp cocktail
and five Gibsons--

not a very well-balanced diet.

I shouldn't have had
the shrimp cocktail.

Sure you won't have coffee?

I shouldn't have
brought you here.

They don't have
the most versatile
wine cellar.

Tom brought me here.

Tom again.

That dirty rat!

So you've
been telling me
for an hour.

He'd never take me
to expensive places,

the dirty cheapskate!

If your mascara runs,

you'll discolor your vodka.

You better be careful.

Excuse me.

Miss Howard.

Has Tom been here already?

Tom Jynson? No.

Where's Dolores?

Emergency face repair.
Please sit down.

No, thanks.

Fortunately, I overheard
your conversation

and knew where to find you.

The house burn down?

No, but Tom is very angry.

Mrs. brown saw
you and Dolores leaving,

so she called him.

Now he's scouting
every restaurant around.

He'll come here.

Why not hire a detective?

He's talked about that.

He's determined to get
something on Dolores
to keep the alimony down.

Tom isn't a man.
He's a business machine.

It's Tom.

Here comes old IBM now.

Oh, hello, Tom.

Rosemary--

I thought you stayed
away from Gibsons.

Won't you join us?

No, thanks.
I'm looking for Dolores.

Going on your second honeymoon?

You didn't say
you were going to dinner

with Mr. Adams.

That's no one's business
but my own.

Unfortunately,
we were only discussing
miss Howard's business.

Yes. Mr. Adams is thinking
of extending his lease.

We may need a new one.

Well, from what I hear,

you'd better add
a morality clause.

Takes a real dirty mind

to believe
everything
Mrs. brown says.

Wait a minute, miss Howard.

Mission accomplished.

Thanks,
but I've been
trying for weeks

to get you to have
dinner with me.

Have a Gibson?

I hate Gibsons.

We're not allowed to drink
on rescue missions.

You're a real problem, you know.

Well, I'm not sorry for you.

You certainly don't lack
female companionship.

I only want to maintain
peace in paradise.

Jack Adams!

The minute I leave the table!

Honestly, you men are all alike!

You can't trust any man!

Excuse me, miss Howard.

Well, I'd better
explain it to her.

Yeah, but--

waiter?

Waiter?

Oh, Jacques.

C'etait merveilleux.

Cela a developpe exactement

comme vous l'avez predit.

Merci. Votre Mari,
est-Ce Que ca lui
a plu?

Il en etait ebloui.

Nous voulons la faire
chaque semaine.

Hello. Come in.

Or would you feel safer
if I came out?

Your discussion group
will be here soon.

There's safety in numbers.

Not if the numbers are 38-22-34.

Ooh, you flatter me.

What can I do for you?

Keep away from Dolores.

I won't chase around,
keeping you out of trouble.

Trouble?
I'm a big boy.

I shave and everything.

If Tom had caught you,

you'd be in enough hot water

to shave for a week.

He'd have filed for divorce.

I have a financial interest
in paradise village.

I don't want a scandal.

Have you resumed work
on paradise hills?

You know we haven't.
Why do you ask?

You haven't found me
a secretary.

The work's piling up.

Could you help part-time?

Me?

You're the only one
here I can trust.

Why?

It's the nature of my work.

What is the nature of your work?

It's a series of reports.

Oh, government work?

I am working for the government.

It occurred to me,
until you resume
paradise hills,

you could help me each evening.

Sorry. I don't like
to work nights.

Wait. Let's discuss this more.

There's nothing to discuss.

I'd like to explain over dinner.

I've discovered
a little place
not only affordable,

but where the food's
fit for the angels

and the drinks for the gods.

Call me later.

Is he a bartender
or a landscape
architect?

He's an artist.

Care for a scorpion's kiss?

That's what they're called?

And this is a bikini.

That's an odd name.

There's not much to it,
but it hits the right spots.

I've had two
and don't feel
a thing.

We'd better get you another one.

Another brace
of bikinis, please.

Sorry. Only two to a customer.

Come on.

That's a powerful drink.

There's an old Tahitian saying--

"okka noku pama
talla peeno
pulla okka."

Oh. Just what did that
old Tahitian mean?

Who knows?
I'm from
San Francisco.

Loopholes everywhere.

Your booth is ready,
Mr. Adams.

Oh, thank you.

Send over a couple
scorpion's kisses, then.

Thank you.

Just make it
the small scorpions.

You all right?

I'm fine, but why
are you leaning?

Oh, that's better.

Now, sit up straight.

Oh.

You know, this is really

a very attractive restaurant.

You haven't been here before?

Well, the atmosphere
is hardly conducive
to business.

Oh.

Is that all you discuss
at dinner--business?

That's not what
Dolores tells me.

That's great.
That's really great.

Tom thinks every time
he turns his back,

she's out chasing
every other man.

Dolores loves Tom,

and you and I could help them.

There's just a breakdown
in their communications.

Ha ha ha ha!

What's so amusing?

Oh, Tom thinks
our paradise bachelor is

such a dangerous man--

a satyr running rampant
in a harem.

Now you turn out to be
dear Abby in britches.

Oh, I didn't know
you were so talented.

There are many
things you don't
know about me.

I can sail a boat,
upholster furniture,

skin-dive for abalone,

bake strudel,

know the names
of all 50 states
and their capitals,

and I play a mean piano,

among other things.

Let me hear more
about the other things.

Come dance with kuminaw.

No, honey. You're
one bikini late.

I'd have to take
a pill. I couldn't.

No. It makes me seasick.

I couldn't.
No. I really--

I know, but you...

"It's a strange paradox
that the American woman,

"who lives in a world where
the bachelor and the spinster

"meet disapproval
and therefore can be satisfied

"with nothing but marriage,

"finds so much discontent,
restlessness, and boredom

"in the marital state.

Seeking relief from
the burdens of domesticity--"

excuse me, Jack.

How about if Camille went
red, instead of black?

Leland's crazy
about Susan Hayward,
and she's a redhead.

He tells you that
so you won't know

how he feels about Lollobrigida.

See? Come on.

Yeah.

"She exercises much imagination,

"frequently
through group projects

that will, in some way,
stimulate her."

Larry, is that you, honey?

Well?

Take it off.

Take what off?

That hideous wig--
Take it off.

All right.
All right,
it's not hideous.

Only, take it off.

Oh, Larry.

It isn't.

It's not a wig.

You mean you dyed it that color?

Yes.

Just wasn't coming
up to speed, that's all.

Hey, where'd you
learn electronics?

It's simple mechanics.

Now let's see if it will work.

Well?

You're doing this
for the government?

They can hardly wait
for it to come out.

Sounds like something
a.J. Niles might write.

Look, I trust you.

I can tell you the truth.

Mr. palfrey came up
with this idea.

What idea?

A book like Niles',
only about America.

Palfrey thinks
there's a mint in it.

Where's the government come in?

They're waiting for the mint.

Oh.

Know something?
This is better
than a.J. Niles.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Taking it to the office
to transcribe it.

It's quiet here.
We can concentrate.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Afraid?
I'm a pussycat.

From the gossip around here,

you're a tomcat.

Me? You, of all people, know--

look, there's been enough talk.

Why give them more fuel?

Every husband's
talking about you.

Sure you don't want them
talking about you?

They've already
talked about me, Dolores,

and every other woman.

Aristotle said
the high-minded man

is more interested in the truth

than in what people believe.

Are you so high-minded?

My behavior's been
most exemplary.

Do you realize
I haven't even
been kissed

since I moved in?

No? I mean, no,
I didn't realize.

It's a record, for me.

Oh, Rosemary, I'm sorry.

That's all right.
I was leaving.

You were?

I shouldn't have burst in,

but it's an emergency.

What have you done to your hair?

You see?

Larry's tone
was positively menacing.

He walked out on me.

He says he's going to get drunk.

That might be an improvement.

But I promised Donna
to come over tonight.

Go without him.

Leave the boys?

Donna's my sister.
I can't tell her
Larry walked out.

You know how families are.

Why don't you
stay with
the boys?

Me baby-sit?

You started it.

So will you help me?

The kids are asleep.
There's nothing to do.

You can stay here and work.

Well, I guess
there's nothing
wrong with that.

Oh, Jack. Mmm!
You're a Saint.

There goes my record.

"What young parents without help

"did before there were
baby-sitters is unclear.

There's no evidence to--"

you're supposed to be asleep.

I'm hungry.

What can I get for you?

A sammich.

What kind of sammich?

A pickle
and peanut butter sammich.

Pickle and peanut butter.

Not interested
in growing up, huh?

See? You woke your brother.

No, I didn't.
He woke hisself up.

Shh.

Well...

Well, how long
you in for, Stevie?

I'm Stevie!

He's Dougie!

Oh, oh.

Well, come on.
Let me spring you.

Come on, doll.
Come on.

You don't have to cry. You--

uh-oh. High tide.

Aw!

Why, Larry.

Where's Adams?

He's not here.

Don't kid me.

You women are all alike.

Stick up for him.

What's he got, anyway?
And where is he?

As a matter of fact,

he's performing a duty
you have neglected.

I catch you,

and you try to wriggle out of it

by accusing my wife
of unbecoming conduct?

I'm not--

Rosemary--

so there you are!

You're just as bad
as he is--worse!

Trying to make me
suspect my wife when it's you

who've been
hanky-pankying around

with this...

This bachelor!

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, he's drunk.

He can change the kid's diapers.

Doubt it. He's headed
in the other direction.

Help me.

I know nothing about this stuff.

You think I do?

You're a woman.

Gender's no license
for knowledge.

After your remarks
on that tape--

we'll discuss that later.

There's a waterlogged kid

going down for the third time.

Help me.

Does the board of health
know about this place?

What are you doing?

Fixing a sammich for Dougie.

Where is he?

Under the table.

Hey!

Hey, come on out of there.

What happened to your diaper?

They slitched off.

Here, let me take him.

Oh...Boy.

With this kid,
Linda doesn't need
a garbage grinder.

Here we are.

There. You go get
some dry diapers.

Shouldn't you powder him first?

No. You oil them first.

This kid hasn't done
a thousand miles yet.

You do it,
and I'll get
the diapers.

And I'll put Stevie
in the other bedroom.

Isn't that good?

Is that refreshing?

Here you are.

Ahh!

You're the sweetest smelling.

That's all right, baby.

If she wants to dye her hair,

what's the big deal, anyway?

What do you say we go tell her,

old uncle John, O.K.?

Not enough oil.

I couldn't find
the diapers, but--

what are you doing?

Well...Let's face it.
I'm a lousy mother.

Oh, go get another towel.

I'll clean him up.

Oh, Dougie.

Ooh!

Yeah, wait.

Come on.
Let's sit you up.
Let's sit up.

How about this one?

Give me one for here.

Yeah.

Well, I think that should do it.

Well, come on.
There, huh?

He'll never get out of that

unless he has friends
on the outside.

Mrs. Delavane!

Mrs. Delavane!

Aha!

Aha what?

You are in my house.

Miss Howard wasn't lying

about you and Linda.

Oh, stop it.

Put 'em up.

I couldn't go
two rounds
with your breath.

I won the first fall.

Quiet, you two.

Oh! My wife isn't good
enough for you, huh?

You got to have
another woman, too.

Well, there's
another one
to put to bed.

Yeah, but he's already oiled.

"Causing unrest and disharmony,

"apart from entertaining
married and unmarried women

"in flagrant violation
of all standards

"of decency and morality.

"The undersigned
therefore demand

"that paradise village,
incorporated,

remove the above-named
undesirable tenant immediately."

And it's signed
by every husband
on Katherina street.

But not one of their wives.

Don't tell me
he's gotten to you,
too, Rosemary.

You don't believe that rot!

These gentlemen believe it.

Aristotle said
the high-minded man

is interested in the truth,

not in what people believe.

Aristotle doesn't live
in paradise,

and I won't antagonize
the people who do.

Rosemary, I want Jack Adams
out of your house.

No, Tom.

I won't put him out,

not for you or anybody.

Are you disobeying me?

This is not
the marine corps,
major Jynson.

No. This is paradise,
and I'm in command.

You will do what I say,
or you're through--

fired.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Truly sorry!

Well, come in.

You're a little early.

How would you like
a full-time secretary?

What red-blooded
American boy wouldn't?
What happened?

I'm no longer an employee

of paradise village, inc.

You quit?

I won't work
for any man
after he fires me.

I admire your spirit,
among other things.
What happened?

A matter
of business policy.
We didn't agree.

We don't always agree, either,

but I need you
to help with research.

What kind of research?

Don't worry.
I'll push your desk
against the wall.

I couldn't chase you
around it if I wanted.

Just don't ask me
to stay after
working hours.

Agreed?

Agreed, under protest.

Let me see.

You'll be my landlady
and secretary.

I'll be your tenant and boss.

A very involved relationship.

If you raise my rent,
I'll lower your salary.

You lower my salary,
I'll raise my voice.

...Comes to the plate
with a curve ball.

Strike. 0 and 1.

Ripley checking his signs.

The big right-hander
ready again.

To the plate.

Palufski swings,
gets ahold of it.

Long drive to deep left-center.

Back goes smitty, a-way back,

and she is gone.

It's a brand-new ball game--
3 and 3.

Before the biggest crowd
of the year--

75,000 here at the stadium--

the bears have come back
in the seventh to tie.

For palufski, his 17th
home run of the year

and his 51st rbi.

Now let's find out
if Dillon's coming up.

Jerry, is that Dillon?

No. That's Monty Brice.

Monty Brice
is hitting .287
this season.

Never mind
Monty Brice.
Take a note.

"Americans are so accustomed

"to being told everything,

"even at ball games,

"they bring their radios

"so the announcer can explain

what they're seeing."

And the fast ball fouled away.

Our guess would be
about 75,000 people here.

I wonder what idiot caught that.

They would have torn
the roof off for sure

on the home run by palufski.

They say 20 million
American women have
taken this up.

Sure. To get rid
of their aggressions.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

You know, those aren't pins.

Those are 20 million
American men.

The cleaners returned your suit.

I hung it in the closet.

And I brought your shirts.
They're in the drawer.

You don't have to do my shirts.

The laundry
puts a razor edge
on the collars.

I don't want my boss
decapitated.

Hey, you worried
about your boss
or your tenant?

Jack, please.

It's time you acknowledge
men and women are different.

This arrangement
is difficult enough.

Don't make it impossible.

I want to make it very possible.

A little cooperation,
and it could be fun.

No woman really
wants to make love
platonically,

just for fun.

Then I've met
some great pretenders.

I'm sure many women
have fallen for you.

If they have,

they wanted
something more
than...

Well, merely an affair.

For instance?

Oh, a home, security,

permanence.

A wise man once wrote

that a man wants to be
a woman's first love,

but women have
a more subtle instinct.

They want to be sure
they're a man's last.

Let's eat.

Jack...

Hmm?

Have you been
a bachelor
all your life?

I was engaged
at the age of seven,

but love's pangs
turned out to be measles.

Silly. Then there's a chance

that some poor girl
may marry you?

A rich girl would have
a better chance.

Have you ever been in love?

Never. Have you?

Once...I thought.

No.
I take that back.

I really was.

What makes you sure?

What makes you sure
you never were?

I planned it that way.

My smart father
prepared me for life
with splendid advice.

Care to share it?

"Be careful of what
you put your heart
and money into."

Your father told you that?

Right after my mom
told it to him.

Ha ha ha!
That's funny.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Where's Rosemary?

She's gone. It's after 6:00.

I wanted to talk to you alone.
It's about Larry.

He hasn't said a word for days.

You've dyed your hair
back, haven't you?

But he's still suspicious.

Of me?

It's your reputation, Jack.

Everybody thinks that--

thinks what?

That you're having affairs
with all of us--

me, Camille, Dolores, Rosemary!

Really? That should
qualify me for
the Olympic team.

Don't joke about it.

They've written everything down.

Good. We'll make
an Italian movie from it.

They even sent in that petition.

What petition?

To Tom Jynson,
to have you evicted,

only Rosemary wouldn't do it.

Are you sure?

Positive. Leland Quinlaw
and my Larry started it.

All the husbands
signed it, and...

What's that?

Something's burning.

It's the oven.

My ready-mix cake.

Ha ha!

Hope smoky the bear
doesn't hear about this.

Jack!

Jack?

Out here!

What's so urgent?

Sit down, Rosemary.
I want to ask you something.

Why couldn't you ask me
on the phone?

I want to see your face
when you answer.

This isn't the first time
you've tried to protect me,

and I'm touched,

but you should have told me
about the petition.

What good would it have done?

I could have spared everyone

by moving out.

Leaving paradise?

I should think
you'd be glad
to get rid of me.

No. What about your book?

I've got enough material
for six books if I want.

Oh, Jack, please.

I just don't want
to get hopelessly
involved.

You're a little late.
You already are.

So am I.

Why don't you come with me?

With you? Where?

Anywhere. I need you,
and you need me.

We both lived alone long enough.

What's the advantage?

Toothpaste lasts twice as long.

That's all you can say for it.

There's just one problem,

a matter of social convention.

I can't ask you to marry me.

We understand each other.
Why complicate things?

We can't.

I can't, not this way.

I found that out
a long time ago.

This is different, darling.

We're both being
completely honest.

Which means
you don't want to
ask me to marry you.

I haven't the nerve.

I'd be a real heel.

You know what
you'd be getting
for a husband?

A man who's been
a bachelor all his life,

a gypsy who's never had
a permanent home

since he was a kid
and the pool room
burned down.

A man who's not only broke,

but in hock to the government.

Is that the man
you want to marry?

I don't know
if I want
to marry anyone.

Then it's a stand-off.

But I do know one thing.

I know.

Pardon me.

I'll kill whoever it is
and be right back.

Hello.

Yes, operator. Speaking.

Wait! Rosemary!

Don't go!

I--

yeah? Who?

Austin palfrey, dear lad.

Can you be
at the L.A. airport
by midnight?

I've wired you a ticket
for the midnight jet.

You're to be in Washington
first thing tomorrow.

No, Rosemary.

I haven't seen Jack
since yesterday.

I did hear his phone ring.

Was that you?

Dougie, spit that out!

What, Rosemary?

No. His car's not here, either.

Look, honey, I've got to run.

Dougie's eating
a ball-point pen.

Dougie!

Jack?

Darling--
That's you, Rosemary--

I had to leave.

Keep this machine
to remember me by.

I hope you'll be as lonesome
and miserable without me

as I have been
every evening when you left.

There you are, Mr. Niles.

Except for $1,000 or so,
it's all there.

What's all there?

Your money, dear lad.

The cash, stocks, and bonds.

You found Wappinger?

Boarding a plane in Mexico City.

That's great.
Thank you, gentlemen.

You'll have to sign
a complaint against him,
Mr. Niles.

I don't think so.

I'd have to stick around
for his trial,

and there's something
about courtrooms--

I suppose you're anxious
to return to France.

I'm working on something
more domestic.

Of course--

how the Americans live!

Let the newsreel boys in now.

We'll start
the publicity
rolling

on Adams' next bestseller.

I've been back in this country
for some time--in California,

in a housing development
in the San Fernando valley.

I've used an assumed name,

but I've been doing research
for my newest book.

It's based on modern living
in this country.

It's called
how the Americans live.

It's been a fascinating
experience.

I've been amazed at my findings.

I've found a strong,
healthy group

of hard-working men and women

who not only are
kind and decent,

but go to extremes
to help each other.

Aah!

Rosemary.

Why didn't you tell me
you were coming back?

I didn't know I was going to.

This is awful.

It's not bad from here.

You look alluring,

and I'm proud of you
for one thing.

You didn't
pull the bedclothes
up around your neck.

No need to get up.
It's after midnight.

Oh, now, please.

You're beautiful
with your hair shook up.

Don't spoil it.
You're a picture.

Your face isn't full of grease
like a channel swimmer.

Let me get up.

Neither of us planned this.

It was meant to happen.

I didn't mean this to happen.

You're single, female,
and in your right mind.

If you think I'll allow myself

to become entangled
with a.J. Niles--

oh, so that's it.

Everyone knows
who you are, Mr. Niles.

All you-know-what
broke loose today.

You didn't feel this way
before I left.

I'm the same man.

The same deceitful liar.

I had to lie, but not anymore.

A shattering thing
happened while I was away.

For the first time,
I miss someone.

I had to come back.

Please leave me alone,
and get out of here!

At least now you know the truth.

You can have the bedroom.

Your rent is still paid.

I'll sleep on the couch,

like the men always do
in American movies.

Ooh!

Oh, darn him.

Here.

Well?

Well what?

Aren't you going
to brush your teeth?

Did you come in
just to remind me?

No. I came in to tell you
how despicable you are.

I'm fond of me.

You're the only one who is,

but I'm grateful to you
for one thing.

You brought me back
to my senses.

When I thought
you had disappeared,
I was desolate.

I was miserable because
I lost my nerve and ran out.

Now that you're back,

I see what a mistake
it would have been.

I'm not a woman to you.
I'm a Guinea pig.

That's all every female
in paradise is to you,
a.J. Niles.

By the same token,

I owe you a vote of thanks.

In the euphoria
of recovering my loot
and my identity,

I considered proposing to you.

What a stupid blunder--

at my age,

give up my freedom.

Thanks for snapping me
back to reality.

I'll be out of your life
first thing tomorrow.

Thank you.

Who's that?

Quick.
In the bedroom.

It's too early for the milk.

Just a minute.

May I come in?

No.

I heard your car drive up.

I was so excited, Jack.
Mr. Niles, I mean.

We knew you were somebody.

You just had to be.

No matter what happens,

we girls will stick up for you.

May not be enough, Linda.

What's that?

If that's Larry, he'll kill me.

Hide in the bedroom.

No! Not there.
Second bedroom.

I knew this house was too small.

You got to come with me
right away.

Where?

To my house,
before Leland
finds out I'm here.

What are you talking about?

Ever since Leland found out
you're a.J. Niles,

he thinks we're having--

that we're carrying on
some kind of a--

please! Come clear my name.

My whole marriage
hangs in the balance.

Stop this drama!

It's Leland!
I got to hide!

Here.
Get right in there.

Keep breathing.

Oh, no!

Adam J. Niles!

Welcome to grand hotel.

Why didn't you tell me?

We could have conducted

the most marvelous
experiments together!

Look--put that coat back on!

Where's your tape recorder?

Let's get to work.

I want to be in your book!

Ah! So Mrs. brown was right!

Wait a minute, Jynson.

I won't wait
a second,
you libertine.

I'll see you
in court--
both of you!

Ooh...

Linda! What are you
doing in there?

I don't know.

Come here.
You're going to
break your neck.

Wait a minute!

Aah!

Shh! They're all coming.

Over the wall.

Oh!

Can you make it?
Go on.

State your name, address,
and occupation, please.

Thomas W. Jynson,
presently residing

in the palm vista hotel.

I'm the developer of paradise.

Paradise?

As I recall,
the book of Genesis--

paradise village, your honor.

It's a real-estate development.

One of the finest
housing developments

in the broad
and fertile valley--

You won't use this courtroom

for any advertising purposes.

Continue.

Now, Mr. Jynson, isn't it true

that, most regrettably,
you are compelled

to seek this action
against your wife

after numerous instances
of infidelity

with one a.J. Niles--

a man who is known to be--

pardon me, your honor--

a libertine and a seducer?

Absolutely.

Objection!

We intend to produce evidence

to prove the statement
that Mr. Niles is,

if you'll pardon the expression,

a libertine and a seducer.

Order in the court!

Yes, I said
I wanted to be
in his book.

I wanted to be
a whole new chapter.

I wanted to be
a whole new book--

how Mrs. Tom cheapskate lives...

Miserably.

A.J. Niles filled my wife's head

with sexy ideas.

I married that woman

because I liked her
empty-headed.

I knew there was
something going on

when I saw how my wife
wrapped the garbage.

Nobody wraps garbage like that

unless there's
hanky-panky going on.

The poor, dear man
was always trying to help,

like when Camille wanted
to dye her hair red,

and Jack--Mr. Niles--
told her that dyed red hair

looked so phony and...

Oh! Well...

Your hair doesn't look
like it's dyed, your honor.

I mean, men can't always
be right, can they?

Your home is directly
across the street

from the house Mr. Niles rented?

Right smack.

I've just talked to New York.

I've had to order
a second printing
of your book.

From your observations,
Mrs. brown,

how would you describe
Mr. Niles?

Sex fiend,

pure and simple.

Objection!

Sustained.

Mrs. brown, that's a very broad
and condemning term.

I don't know how else
you'd describe him.

He has only one thing
on his mind.

Have you ever read
his books,
madam judge?

Yes, I have.

I've also read the books
of h.G. Wells,

but I wouldn't describe him
as an astronaut.

Confine your testimony
to factual observations.

Very well, your honoress.

Ever since that man

moved into Rosemary's house...

Stop trying
to make implications,
Mr. Backett.

My relationship
with Dolores Jynson
was not experimental.

Then you did find her
physically attractive?

Certainly not.

Did he have to say that?

That is, I didn't find her
unattractive.

What I mean is--

Mr. Niles, when you've finished
debating with yourself,

will you please
answer the question?

I'm trying to, your honor.

I found her attractive,

but that did not
motivate my actions.

Now, Mr. Niles,

you heard Mr. Jynson testify

that he saw Mrs. Jynson,

clad only
in a revealing
negligee,

nestled in your arms.

Would you explain
your motivation for that?

You see, your honor,

it isn't quite that simple.

There were three other women

in the house at the same time.

Three?

I didn't plan that.

I don't go in for group therapy.

It was one of
those hectic nights.

I can well understand that.

May I make one statement

to clarify this situation?

Clarification would
certainly be in order,
Mr. Niles.

There seems to be
a public image
of a.J. Niles

as some sort of
wandering Casanova,

to whom the world is
a private boudoir.

In the past, there may have been
some justification for this,

but since
I established residence

at paradise village,

I'm a different man.

For the first time,
I've been in love--

sincerely, deeply in love.

And because of that,

only one woman has meant
anything to me.

That woman is Rosemary Howard.

Because of my feeling for her,

I couldn't have
possibly indulged

in the activities

of which I've been accused.

I returned from Washington

to marry miss Howard.

Unfortunately,
she turned me down,

but I was truly and still am

deeply in love,

and I hope to persuade her

to change her mind and marry me.

No further questions.

Does counsel for the defense

wish to cross-examine
the witness?

No questions, your honor.

You may step down, Mr. Niles.

Who is your next witness,
Mr. Backett?

I'd like to call
miss Rosemary Howard
to the stand.

Do you solemnly swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

You've ruined everything.
Now you're just another guy.

And it's about time.

Now, miss Howard,

were you formerly associated

with Mr. Jynson in business?

I was.

Did you resign your position?

No. I was fired.

Will you tell the court why?

Because I refused
to evict Mr. Niles
from my house.

Who demanded that eviction?

There was a petition signed

by a number of husbands
in the neighborhood.

That would be exhibit a,
your honor.

Is this the document,
miss Howard?

It appears to be.

Now, miss Howard,

that petition makes
several allegations

as to the conduct
and character of Mr. Niles.

Would you deny them now,
under oath?

Well, miss Howard?

May I make a statement,
your honor?

In the interest
of clarification?

Oh, yes.

By all means.

These three divorce cases

are based on a complete
misunderstanding

of Mr. Niles and his motives

and the motives of the wives.

You tell them, Rosemary!

Order in the court.

Continue, miss Howard.

I know this because I worked
very closely with Mr. Niles

on his notes.

I heard all the conversation
between the girls and Jack--

I mean Mr. Niles--

that night before Tom Jynson
came bursting in.

A.J. Niles only wanted to help.

He understood
their frustrations,

their doubts,

and their loneliness.

She's right, your honor!

Control yourselves!

This is not a pta meeting.

Go on, miss Howard.

A woman left alone,

even in paradise,

has to rebuild her pride.

I know Dolores and Tom
are very much in love
with each other,

and Mr. Niles
was aware of it, too.

The others felt
that their husbands

were losing interest in them.

But in all this time
in paradise village,

a.J. Niles only wanted to help,
and this is his reward.

Miss Howard, Mr. Niles
is not on trial here.

I know that, your honor,

but he seems to be
the central character.

These men are guilty

of failing to appreciate
their wives.

What's worse,
you didn't trust them.

The truth is, they're
lucky to have women

who care enough to try
and win their affection.

As to Mr. a.J. Niles,

I have only one thing to say.

A few minutes ago,
he stated, under oath,

that his only objective
was to marry me.

And I meant it!

Then I wish to state,
under oath,

that I have changed my mind,

and I accept his
proposal of marriage.

You're hooked.
You're through.

No more experiments.

Order in this court!

Order!

Order in this courtroom!
Please!

One of the most
interesting aspects

of the institution of marriage
is a rather complex rite,

colloquially referred
to as the honeymoon.

Historians have traced
this romantic ritual

back to the days of ancient--

Ha ha ha!

Historians have traced this--

mmm...

Oh, those historians.

Ha ha ha!