Bachelor Party (1984) - full transcript

Rick Gassko is about to marry Debbie Thompson. Her parents hate him. Her old boyfriend hates him. They all have money and he gets a cut of the crap games on the Catholic school bus that he drives. His friends decide to give him the bachelor party of all bachelor parties in an expensive hotel with booze, adult movies and hookers. As the players catch wind of the elements of the party, each adds a little monkey wrench so that one set of hookers ends up giving demos at the bride's shower, the brides friends end up dressed as hookers in a room with a number of non English speaking Japanese businessmen, and so on, as things get out of hand.

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[Organ music playing]

[Tires screeching]

Nun: Step away from
the curb, children.

[Tires screeching]

Hi, sister.
You look terrific today.

What have you done
with your hair?

You're late again,
Rick.

I know, I know. But I have
a very good excuse.

There can be no excuse
for tardiness.

You're right.
You're absolutely right.

I'm sorry. I should
never have stopped



and saved
that drowning infant.

I--I'm weak, sister.
I'm just so weak.

All right now.
Stop that.

Children, on the bus.

Sister, if you ever
get lonely after vespers,

I am the man to call.

My number's
in the book.

Get going, Rick.

You're late enough
as it is.

Think about it, ok?

Ok, come along,
children.

Rick: Attention, passengers.

We are now leaving
nun central

on our journey
to hell and beyond.



The captain
has turned off

the "no smoking" sign.

And you may now move
about the cabin freely.

Yeah!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Thank you
for being catholic

and for choosing
the St. Gabriel school bus.

Yeah!
Yeah!

[All screaming]

Ooh!

[Hula music]

Now, don't forget,
Garcia,

10% of that goes
to the house.
Snake eyes.

Ah, youth.

O'Neill: You'll love
these shots.

Thank you very much,
Mrs. Reeves.
Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Next!

Whoa ho ho ho! Look
at those babies!

Adorable. Come on,
let's get started.

Are we married?

I'm separated.

Then there is a god.

Let's try something
a little special.

Try these on, Timmy.

Oh, yeah.

Shield out the sun.
Yeah. Here.

Why don't you take
that drink right there?

Yeah, that looks like
fun, hmm? Hmm?

To me, this is
an incredible shot.

Ok, ok, I can see you're not
impressed, and you know what?
You're right.

I hate it, too.
That's because

your kid is more hip,
more now, more eighties.

Let's try this
right here.

Now get ready.
Hold onto yourself--

I'm crazy
about this one.

Your own baby jedi.
This is terrific.
This is terrific.

You're gonna like
this one, huh? Huh? Huh?!

All right.

You're not into
science fiction.

Ok, let me think
about this.

Oh! Mrs. Klupner,

why didn't I
see this before?

Why don't you lean
into the picture

with your child?

Oh, yes, yes!

Yes, yes, yes.

Lean in
a little more.

If I was that kid,

I would breast-feed
till I was 17 or 18.

Ok. Now, hold
that pose, Mrs. Klupner.

Ok, why don't
you go to sleep, huh?

There we go.
Good boy.

There we go.

♪ Margarita ♪

♪ yo te quiero
mucho querida ♪

♪ yo quiero
patitas grandes ♪

Raul!

[Speaking Spanish]

Who the hell put this shit
in my beer cooler?!

Jesus Christ!

Stupid people.

Now I gotta
change the oil.

Rick:
Rudy! Yo, Rudy.

Here, boy.

[Whistling]

Holy shit!
I don't believe this!

Guys, this is the problem
with American cars.

Come on, help me
put this crap together

and we'll get out of here.

Gary: The police concert's
sold out?

My customers
are gonna kill me!

Aw, screw that!

Oh, screw sting!

Hi, guys.
How's it going?

All right.
How are you, you animal?

Great.
I'm a dead man.

[Telephone rings]

Hello,
concert tickets.

What?

You're kidding!

Boy George
has a yeast infection?

He's canceling? You know
what this is gonna cost me?!

Hey, do me a favor.
Don't call me again, ok?

Let's get out of here.

[Ring]
I told you not
to call me again.

You're full of shit!
Eat my--

oh, hi, mom.

No, no, no.
I didn't know it was you.

Right. Eggs and milk.

Ma!

Ma, I'll talk to you later.

This better
be important.

This guy gets along
with everybody.

Oh, yeah,
a real diplomat.

Eat me.

Oh!
Whoo!

I love it when
he talks like that.

I smell smoke in here.

We'd like
to order now.

Hey, no sweat.
No sweat, guys.

You want to order?

Here's today's
deals, ok?

Ok, we got veal.

We got veal...

Par...

Veal...

Par...

What's this word?

It's parmesan.

Yeah, that's meat
with that cheese on it.

See, I don't eat cheese.

It gives me mucus, it
clogs me up with phlegm,

I don't like it.
And butter,
that's another thing.

It clogs you up
with snot.

Please,
we're in a hurry.

Ryko, come on!
Take a break!

Hey, be right
there, guys.

Hey, will you keep

your slimy paws
out of my food, man?

Why don't you order
your own food, man?

I hope you choke,
you animal.

Hey, guys, hey.

How are you doing?

Get out of here!

All right, ok,
now we're all here.

So what's the big
announcement?

Ok. Ok.

Gentlemen...

I am not gonna beat around
the bush on this thing.

We've known each other
since what?

Since we were in grade school,
for crying out loud,

so I'm just gonna
give this to you

right from the hip.
I mean, it's gonna come

straight from the old--
from the old shoulder.

I mean,
no fancy stuff.

Come on, Rick!

All right. Ok.
All right, all right.
All right, this is it.

Uh...

I'm getting married.

Yeah, right. Yeah.

All right, ok.
No problem.

That wasn't a joke.

That was not
a joke, guys!

A week
from this Saturday,

I turn in my
amateur standing,

and I go pro.

I don't believe it.

Come on.

Fuck me!

Well, thanks
for telling US, man.

I just told you--

remember how
you complained

about Brad
getting married?

You're doing
the same thing.

Guys. Guys.

Guys.

I can't believe this!

Guys!

Our buddy
is getting married.

This is the happiest moment
of his life,

and you guys are
giving him a hard time.

You guys should be ashamed
of yourselves.

Congratulations,
buddy.

Come on, guys!

Look, Rick, I'd rather
be dead. But look,

if this is what you
want, good luck, man.

All the best.

All right.

You know,

since you're
gonna do this--

you really are
gonna do this?

Oh, yeah.

The least we can do

is make sure
you go out in style.

Yeah, let's have
a bachelor party

with chicks and guns
and fire trucks

and hookers and drugs
and booze!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

All the things

that make life
worth living for.

Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech!

All right.

All right, all right.
Ok, ok, guys.

I--i want you to know

that this marriage is not
in any way gonna jeopardize

my relationship
with my pals, damn it.

Yeah, right.

We're still gonna go bowling
every Tuesday night.

We're still gonna
play cards every Friday.

And we're still gonna wear
each other's underwear

every Sunday night.
Nothing is gonna change!

I mean that.
I love you guys,

and--and I always will.

Hey, a toast.

To Rick and Debbie.

To US.

To girls
with big tits.

Yeah.

Good point.

Absolutely true.

Wow. This store
has neat clothing.

[Music playing]

♪ Oh, I hear it ♪

♪ wherever I go... ♪

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Huh?

I'd like
to pay for this.

Could you wait till
the song is over?

Oh, sure. No problem.

♪ I wanna go where it's
heard every day ♪

♪ and then we'll show you
why we like it that way... ♪

Excuse me.

Where can I try on
these pants?

Right over here.
Can I take these for you?

Ok. You'll really
like these.

I have a couple pairs myself.
They fit very nice.

♪ L.A., New York,
everywhere ♪

♪ we say we love it,
isn't that clear? ♪

♪ All around the sidewalks
and the sand ♪

♪ the music's
playing loud ♪

♪ blast down a highway
doing 90 ♪

♪ it reminds me
and it makes me so proud ♪

Phoebe?

♪ I wanna go where it's
heard every day ♪

Phoebe, I don't think
your brother did

such a good job of fixing
the dressing room doors.

What do you mean?
They look great.

Yeah? You don't
see a problem here?

Not really.

Yeah? Maybe it's
just me, huh?

Woman: So I sold two
the first night.

I did, I sold
two of them--

Debbie, I don't believe you!

I am supposed to be
your friend, and you
don't even tell me!

Bobbi, what
is going on?

Oh, I just heard
from O'Neill.

Oh, god,
I'm so excited!

What's happening?

Debbie
is marrying Rick.

Really?!
Really.

Oh, my god! Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

You're actually
marrying Rick.

Wait a minute.
Does Cole know about this?

Really. You went with him
for two years.

No. And he won't
leave me alone.

And your parents
can't be too thrilled
about this, either.

No, as far as
they're concerned,

the only good Rick
is a dead Rick.

But I've made
my decision,

and we're gonna do it.

I don't believe it.
Mrs. Rick gassko.

You're getting married.

Seems like
only yesterday

I showed you how
to give a blow job.

[Music stops]

Rick: ♪ I'll give you
a different kind of high ♪

♪ no, I'm not like
the rest of the boys ♪

♪ I'm from decatur,
Illinois ♪

♪ and I am suave,
debonair ♪

♪ I got this boss,
curly, dark, black hair ♪

♪ and I like hangin' round
with you, baby ♪

♪ because you never
say maybe ♪

♪ I like you-- ♪

Oh, shit!

Well, hey,
the meal of the century

looks like
it's just about ready,

so it's time for spice.

Yes, it's spice time.

And the lucky spice is...
Ah! Paprika!

[Imitates cheering]
Thank you, thank you.

You've made me the happiest
spice in the world.

It's a veritable u.N.
For dinner here,

so...swedish meatballs.

Hey, oinga, oinga, Olga.
Ooh, there we are. 2, 3.

Ah, vino.

A little vino
would be keen-o.

Ha ha!

I want some wine.

Now--oh!

What meal
would be complete

without a little
dead meat? Yes.

America's favorite food,
dead animal flesh.

Hup! All the burners
are occupied at this time,

so I'll just
have to improvise here.

Hi, babe.

Rick: Hi!

What are you doing?

Just welding up a little
dinner, that's all.

Mmm...

It's you! Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

It's good
to see you.
You, too.

I'm just gonna graze
here for a while, ok?

God, you're a slob.

Yeah, but i'm
a fabulous cook.

Yeah? What
are we having?

Well, it's either
Swiss steak, meatloaf,
I don't know.

Definitely charred flesh
of some sort.

Why don't we name it
after we eat, huh?

Good idea.

Mr. Chef?

Yes.

Your vegetables
are on fire.

Ohh! Hey! It's ok.
It's all right.

It's broccoli flambe.

It's supposed
to do that.

A little tricky
with it, that's all.

Guess I put in

a little too much
nuclear waste, huh?

You want to hear
something great?

You betcha.

Bobbi and Phoebe
are gonna throw me a shower.

It's gonna
be so much fun.

Not as much fun
as the bachelor party

the guys are gonna
throw for me.

I hope you like
potato salad.

It's chunky style,
my favorite.

You're gonna have
a bachelor party?

Sure, you bet.

Hey, it's
a traditional event,

and I'm a traditional
kind of guy.

How about this, huh?

Does this look great
or what?

It looks awful.

Well, looks
can be deceiving.

Not in this case,
however.

Nope, nope, nope.
This is definitely

the food prison riots
are made of. Ew.

Are we gonna have girls
at our party?

Uh, well, uh, no.

It's a stag party,

and that means
that does stay home.

I'm not talking
about does.

I'm talking
about hookers.

Oh, those.

What do you mean?

I mean, like,

from what I hear,
it's a tradition,

and you're
a traditional guy.

Come here. Come here,
you little Vixen.

I'll gonna tell you something.
I'm gonna set you straight
about something.

Women mean nothing
to me and that is why

I am so in love you.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

I need you
to promise me.

Ok, ok. I promise.

You got it.

You know,
I know a way

that we can seal
this bond.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, wait a minute!

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

I've got
a surprise for you,

and I think you're
really gonna like it.

Ahh!

Aw, come on, honey.
Wait! Hey, come on.

We'll take turns.
It's all right.

Whoo-hoo!

Ok, Ricky.

You want to hold out
your arm?

You wouldn't hurt
your own brother,

would you, Stan?
I don't hurt brothers.

Hey! Hey! No, no!
I've changed my mind.

I don't need
a blood test.

I'm not even gonna
get married.

The wedding's off,
chief.

Bear. Bear.

Chicken,
chicken, chicken.

Oww!

You were always
sneaky, Stan.

You were always
very, very sneaky.

Ooh. Oh, gosh.

Sneaky brother.

Hey, you ready
for this big party now?

I understand

that the guys have
some fascinating women

lined up for you.
A bevy of--

would you--

keep your voice down.

I've got the wife
in the other room.

Rick: Uh, Stan.

Stan, is this supposed
to be like this?

Huh?

No, that's incorrect.

Oh.

I can't understand

why you're
getting married.

Do you have
any idea

what you're
giving up, huh?

Do you have
any idea?

An inkling? Everything!

Everything.
Wild parties.

Running around
like a maniac.

Different women
every night.

Nakedness. Gone!

I miss that
so much, richy.

Stan, you're beginning
to depress me.

Oh. Well...

Maybe you'll feel
just a little better

after this.

Easy, easy, and hold.

Oh, well, now,
that's a fair trade:

A cotton ball
for all my blood.

Ok, Ricky.
All finished.

Oh, good.

Hey, I'm really
looking forward

to this bachelor party.

Oh, I know you are.

Whatever you do,

you don't say
nothing to Tina, ok?

You know,
she'll kill me.

Who don't you
say nothing to?

Tina?

Tina. Ok.

Don't screw me up
here, ok?

I told her I'm going
to a plasma convention.

Oh, well,
that's brilliant.

Hi! Hi, Tina.

Rick!

Mr. Goldsmith,

this is my brother-in-law.
He's getting married.

Congratulations.

Nurse, take over.

Yes, doctor.

I'm so happy
for you!

That's great.
I'm glad.

Thanks. Listen,
I gotta run.

I gotta make sure

the guys have
got the hookers!

Hookers?

He didn't
say "hookers."

Did I say "hookers?"

I didn't mean "hookers."

Yes, you said "hookers."

He didn't say "hookers."

I'm walking
Ricky out.

Stan: You had
to open your mouth.
You had to say something!

You had to say "hookers!"
Ooh, doc,
I'll pay my bill.

Doc, don't hurt me!
Please!

I'll kill you!

I'll--I'll pay!
Doctor, please!

I'll break your lights!
I'll rip out your guts!

I'll break you in half!

Shut up
and get out of here!

Ok, all right.

Go.
Ok. Oh. Listen.

I'm gonna see you
Saturday night
for the bugga bugga.

Out!

All right,
all right.

Mrs. Phillips,
you're next.

Rick: I got it!

Ok, who serves?

Your turn, dad.

Whoop!

Rick: It's long,
it's to the fence,
it's to the wall, it's gone!

[Imitates cheering]

Ed: Rick?
Yeah?

Hit the ball easier,
son.

You don't have
to kill it.

Maybe we should
go in now.

No.

We will at least
finish this set.

Ready?

Yo!

Uhh!

[Cheering]

Yes! Cleveland
wins the pennant!

One of these days,

I'm gonna burn
the Thompson court

right to the ground.

Well, I gotta admit
my tennis is a little rusty.

But Polo,
there's a game, eh?

Unrelenting,

constant challenge
to the senses,

a beautiful,
manly experience.

Rick...

I want to cut
through the b.S.

I'd like that.

Good.

I think
you're an asshole.

No, let me
correct that.

An immature asshole.

Which is fine,
except that

you're marrying
my daughter,

and I'm afraid that
my grandchildren

are gonna be
little assholes.

Uh, Mr. Thompson, i--

no, let me finish.

Debbie is an adult.

She can do
what she wants.

But if you want your
marriage to last,

you're gonna have to change
some things about yourself.

Now, if I may make
some suggestions?

Oh, feel free.

Good. First,
you're a slob.

You dress like a bum.

Second, you're
unmotivated.

You have
no self-esteem,

no thought
about the future.

You're inconsiderate.

You're insensitive,
you're insincere...

I'm having
the same caterer

for your shower
that we had at

our Christmas
party last year.

Oh, that'd be great.
They're wonderful.

Well, if I were you, i'd
worry less about the shower

and more about Rick's
bachelor party.

Why? Why would I wanna
do that? I trust Rick.

Oh, of course you do.

And I trusted my ex,
Kevin, too.

Cousin, I can only speak
to you from experience.

But what do you
think happens

during these
bachelor parties?

Think they sit around and
drink tea and play scrabble?

Eileen, I trust Rick.
He promised--

oh, Debbie, please.

Don't be naive.
Men are pigs.

Uh, girls,

why don't we go inside

and have
some lunch, huh?

Boys, come on inside
and have lunch.

In a second.

And you're
irresponsible,

a show-off.

You're vulgar,
you're inappropriate.

You're unrefined,
you're obnoxious.

Well, Mr. Thompson,
that's really quite a list.

And you're right.
You're absolutely right.

And, uh, I think
if I really apply myself,

I could be
a totally changed person

by the time
we finish lunch.

♪ Do Dee doo ♪

♪ do doo ♪

♪ do Dee Dee do do ♪

[Whistling]

Rick...we don't
have a dog.

Oh, that's too bad.
That's a waste
of some good fat.

Oh, you gonna eat your
potato there, darling?

You want this?

You betcha.

Yeah, me and Debbie are
gonna have kids right away,

I think. I'd like to adopt
this 17-year-old korean girl

I've had my eye on
for a while.

I figure why beat
around the bush, you know?

But, I mean,
this pup is fertile,

and I know
I'm perfectly capable.

So, you don't
have to worry.

You'll have
some American grandkids

in no time at all.
No, thank you.

I tell you, Mrs. T.,
this is really some spread.

This is some
pretty good chow.

Usually, I just have like
a jam sandwich for lunch.

[Doorbell rings]
You know what
a jam sandwich is?

Take 2 pieces of bread,
jam 'em together. Ha ha!

Cole: Hello, everybody.
Am I late?

Not at all. We're
just finishing lunch.

How are you, Cole?

Fine. Just fine.
Eileen!

Cole.

You're looking
very well.

Mrs. Thompson.

Cole.

Always a pleasure.

Oh...

Debbie.

And, uh...

Bond. James Bond.

So, Cole, how's
your game coming along?

Better
and better, sir.

Good. I'll take you on.

We tried some doubles
this morning,

but it didn't work out
too well.

Mother, what is Cole
doing here?

Well, you know your father
enjoys his company.

Oh, he must,

if he took time off
from his Hitler youth rally.

Aah! Good shot.

Thank you, sir.

Cole...i know you're
as unhappy as I am

about Debbie's marriage
to...Rick.

Yes, I am, sir.

Son, I don't want you
to give up on her.

I've tried
to change her mind.

It's not her mind
you gave to change.

It's Mr. Shit-for-brains
in there.

Yeah, but how
can I do that?

If it were up to me,
I'd reason with him first.

And if that failed,

I'd try more
persuasive action.

More, uh,
persuasive action?

Good.

Keep me informed.

Well,
good-bye, darling.

Good-bye, mom.
Thanks for everything.

It was great.

Mm-hmm. And, uh,

nice seeing you
again, Rick.

Oh, you too, Mrs. T.
Let's do this every day.

How about tomorrow?
I'll bring some weenies.

Well, I have a club.

What time's it over?

Uh, Rick,
let's talk.

Honey, the boys have
something important

to discuss.

Let's leave them
alone for a minute, huh?

If this is about
the facts of life,

believe me,
I got it covered.

Rick, I want Debbie.

You do, huh?

Yes, I do. You dump her,
and I'll give you cash.

Well, what's Debbie's

blue book value
right now?

$5,000.

No.

7,500.

Uh-uh.
Not interested.

All right,
all right, all right.

10,000, plus
a g.E. Toaster oven,

a litton microwave,
a cuisinart--

Cole,
read my lips now.

I am marrying Debbie.

Michelin tires,
brand new.

A set of sears'
best metric tools.

What's going on here?

Well, the way I see it,
this big lug is in love,

and he's got a lot of major
appliances laying around.

Debbie, Cole is just
trying to save you

from making a mistake.
A big mistake.

Oh, daddy.

Hey, thanks, dad.

Listen, we gotta go.

Debbie, he's
gonna hurt you.

He'll never
be true to you

the way I would.

And we're all gonna
keep that in mind.

Cole whittier,
ladies and gentlemen.

Let's hear it for him,
a funny, funny, funny guy,

as well as being

a wonderfully
talented human being.

Take care, babe.
We love you.

Hey, Rick.

You and I,
we're not through yet.

[Thunder]

Hey.

Hey. What?

I can't sleep.

Oh.

I got something
for that.

Will you stop
fooling around?

I need to talk.

What's the matter?

I don't know.
I just feel scared.

Oh, baby,
what about...Hmm?

The wedding,

my parents,
your parents,

our friends,
my job,

the future,
our relationship,

the caterers,

my gown,
your tuxedo,

the honeymoon,
our apartment,

my shower,

your bachelor party.

Well, how about
the middle east?

You all right
with that?

Oh, honey,

everything
is gonna be ok.

Before or after I have
my nervous breakdown?

All right, come on.
Come here.

Oh, hey.

Oh, you are
so tense.

Come on.

That feels
so good.

That's a coincidence.
It's supposed to.

Close your eyes.

Drift off
to slumberland, eh?

It just so happens
that I'm a great guy,

and very soon,

you're going to be
Mrs. Great guy.

All right?

Well, there you go,
ma'am.

End of the line.
Last stop.

Listen, I have
a great idea.

Why don't I just pal around
with you guys for a while?

Oh, no, no, no...

We have some manly things
we have to do,

and this is no place
for a woman.

You sure you don't
want me to go?

Men: Uh, how about "no"?
Uh-uhh.

I don't want to go.

Remember,
you promised me
no screwing around.

I won't. I won't.
I swear on my
mother's grave.

Your mother's
not dead.

Well, if I go back
on my word,
I'll kill her.

Then you have
a good time.

Mm-hmm.

But don't have
a great time.

You catch my drift,
Mr. Traditional guy?

Yeah, I understand.

You have
a fun shower.

Use soap.

I love you.

And I love you.

Rudy: Come on, Rick!

Party!

Jay: Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Jay: This place
is unbelievable.

Presidents have
stayed in this suite.

It's gorgeous.
I got half price on it.

I know this chick
who works at the hotel.

Stan: What presidents?

What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.
Let's get crazy.

Yeah!

Whoo!

When do the girls
show up?

Don't worry
about it.

Gary is taking
care of that right now.
All right!

Whoo! Party!

All right...

I think I got just what
you're looking for.

Gary: Great, great.

Margot, Darlene.

These are twins
of pleasure.

Wow! Twins.

Great, great.

They're gonna be
just fine, just fine.

Woman: That'll be $50.

Hi, ladies.

Listen, maybe after
the orgy tonight,

we can get together, have
a cup coffee or something?

Thanks, man. Hey,
we'll see you girls later.

Ciao.

[Giggles]

Hi.

Hi.

Say, I must have
just missed my friend.

Um, he hired
some of your girls

for a bachelor party.

Yeah, parkview hotel,
room 1002.

What about it?

Yeah, right, well, um,
here's the new address.

Now, there's been
a slight change of plans.

We decided to send the girls
over to his house instead.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and, uh,
here's a 50.

Now, I want this
to be a surprise

for the groom,

so you never
saw me, ok?

No problem.

Move it out, move it out,
move it out, move it out.

Come on, hurry up.

Now, you be careful
with that bus.

It's a rental.

Was I kidding?
Was I kidding?

We, who are about to go
apeshit, salute you.

We want women!

[All shouting]

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it!

Before we move on,

I have
a little surprise.

Ooh...
Cool.

O'Neill: I have flown in
someone dear to all of US,

a man who has traveled
over 3,000 miles.

Come on, Rick,
let's go. Come on!

A man whom none of US have
seen since he left town.

Come on!
Come on!

A man we affectionately
called pecker head!

Oh, my god,
our dad is here.

Ricky, let's go.

It's your childhood chum
and mine, Brad mollen!

Oh, that pecker head!
Where is he?

Brad.

Guys, guys,
guys, guys!

For the last time,
I'm telling you

to get off of there!

Off! Off!

Ok.

Guys!

Holy shit!

Doctor Stan.

Hi, Brad.

Rick. Rick, Rick.

Jay!

Rudy.

Diagnosis?

Medically speaking?

Yeah.

Whacked out
of his brains on drugs.

That's what I thought.

This is great.
This is beautiful.

Ha ha ha! I love it.
I love it.

Brad, how have you been?

Oh, I couldn't
be better.

This is the best.
This is great.

I love this.
This is the best.

I'm having
the best time.

I love you guys.
I love everybody.

How's the wife?

I hate her.
I hate her guts, ok?

The bitch!

I've got this.

Do you want
to share this?

Oh, gee, no.

Two on a quaalude,
that's bad luck. Thanks.

Oh, right.

Ok, hey, let's go, guys.
Come on, Brad, listen.

Hey, you and your wife
got problems, Brad?

No, no, because
I love you guys.

I love my friends!
I love everybody!

I just want
to party!

Party!

Yeah!

[All shouting]

Just where do you guys
think you are?

The library
of congress?

Detroit?

Beyond the sun?

Any of those right?

This is
the parkview hotel.

I am
the hotel manager.

[Whistles]

This is a respectable
establishment.

We don't go for any
funny business here.

So I see.
Well, thank you.

It's been very nice
talking to you.

You're a hell of a guy,
and I think you're
doing a hell of a job.

Pamela, you're here.
Now nice.

Come say hello
to our guest of honor.

Pamela, how are you?

It's so nice
to see you.

You look great,
martine.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Debbie, it's Pamela.

Hey, Pamela,
how are you? Thank you.

Come sit down and I'll
get you some punch.

Mmm...
Mrs. Thompson,

do you have any more
of this dip?

It's, like,
really excellent.

You just ate
purina cat chow.

Oh, it's, like,
so good. Mmm...

And what are you girls
giggling about?

Should we tell her?

Yeah.

Yesterday, we found
a bunch of pornos

in the back seat
of O'Neill's car.

And we made
a few changes.

I think the boys will
really be interested.

Oh, well, good.

I hope you ruin
their stag party,

those swine.

What room is it?

1003. Aha!

1002.

And now, to our
honored guest, Rick,

and his life-long friends,

I say, gentlemen...

Start your boners.

Ryko: Wow.

Women!

Whoo hoo!

Whoo!

Ryko: Yeah, wow,
this is a bitchin' place.

Yeah.

Ohh...
I am stunned.

I did
the balloons myself.

Oh, what a clever use
of prophylactics!

This is beyond my
wildest dreams, guys!

Where's the women?
There's no women here.

Rudy, one thing
at a time.

Sex is my one thing.
I'm good at it.

Ok, what's first?

A bit of a warm-up.

We spend an hour
with nymphos without pants.

Whoo!
Whoo!

Olivier's in that,
right?

Yeah!

O'Neill: Men, it's time
for the real thing.

Ok, Rudy, screen.

All right!
Real thing here.

It's good
to see you, Brad.

My marriage sucks.
It's all crap.

It's just
a big pile of shit!

Well, maybe your marriage

ought to lay off
the grains for a while.

Rick, Rick, don't
you understand?

She hates me!
She hates my guts.

It's over. You'll see.

You'll see. As soon
as you get married,
everything changes.

Why are you going
through with this?
Why are you marrying her?

Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean?
What changes?

O'Neill:
Ok, ryko. Lights.

Lights.

Whoo!

Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!

King Kong, folks.

Here we go!

There we go.

O'Neill:
A friend of mine's in this.
I viewed it yesterday.

Great director,
good lighting.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Take that off, baby!

Take it off
and drive it home!

Watch out for Rudy!

Oh, god, this doesn't
waste any time, does it?

Oh, yeah.
Ha ha ha! Ooh. Oh!

Do it, brother!
Lay that pipe.

Drive it home,
brother.

Give it to her!

Rick: What happened?

Hey, what?
What gives?

Did you
check this out?

Kick it! Kick it!

Oh, forget that.

This part's
so much better.

You guys
can't believe--

it's a human being
doing this. Watch this.

Kiss him all the way down!
All the way down!

Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!

All: Go! Go! Go!

Oh! What is this?

Hey, what is this?
What is going on?

I am not complaining,

but I usually don't like
my filth this clean.

What a waste
of two women!

I don't get it.

The dirty parts
were there yesterday.

But at least Gary's coming
up here with the real thing
in a few minutes.

Oh, yeah.

Women!

[All screaming]

[Doorbell rings]

Yes?

Yeah, hi.

Is this
1381 franek street?

Yes.

We're here.

Why, how nice.

Um...i'm
Dr. Tina gassko.

Oh, Tina! Stan's wife.

Well, come in, come in.

God, now she's
really gonna see

what kind of a jerk-off
she's marrying.

[Indistinct conversation]

Rick is just gonna
love all of these.

Debbie, Debbie,
look, it's Tina.

I think
everyone's here now.

Look who's here.
It's Tina.

Hi.

Woman: You wouldn't
believe what I just saw.

Another one
of these, huh?

Looks that way.

A buck's a buck.

Yep.

[Chattering continues]

Hi, Tina.

Woman: You know
everybody here?

[Crack]

Ohh!

Is there an empty
outlet around here?

Over there.

Thanks.

[Buzz]

Oh!
Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!
Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!
Oh!

Oh!

How dare you speak
in that manner!
You impudent little--

I can't take the torture
much longer.

I'm cold,
and I'm hungry, too.

Do you hear?

No, you don't hear.
And you don't care.

Oh, god,
this is beautiful.

She reminds me
of my wife.

She was so young
when we met.

You bitch!

Hi, guys,
how's it going?

Get him, get him!

There's no
chicks here.

Everybody back!
Hey!

To a neutral
corner, please.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on!

Will you get
that animal off of me!

This place should be
wall-to-wall tits by now.

Oh, guy paints
a beautiful picture.

[All shouting]

All right, all right,
all right!

I'll find out
what's going on.
You know what, Gary?

Looks like the only guy
who got screwed
around here was you.

Hey, screw you.

Should, should, should.

I can't believe
my money's been wasted.

So, what do you guys

think of the party
so far, huh?

All right, okay...
[Murmuring]

I think the man has done
a very good job

with the party so far.

All right, maybe not,
you know?

Well...

I agree...

Rick, I want
to talk to you.

Hey, it's Cole.

Did any of you guys
order an asshole
from room service?

Hey, look, I don't want
any trouble, all right?

Oh, well, come on,
just a little.

Rick, I want to make
you another deal.

Oh, be still,
my heart.

If you just step over
to the window, there's
something I want to show you.

Out the window?
Oh, this is gonna
be a surprise.

I'm a nut for surprises.

You see that out there?

That, Rick, is my
most prized possession.

That's my new Porsche.

Rick: Whoa!

Hey, guys, can you
see that car?

Oh, that's beautiful.

What a car! Hey!

Rudy, isn't that
a beautiful car?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

That's a beautiful car.

Hey, guys, excuse me.

I gotta go shake
the weasel.

It's a great car.

Oh, the best.

God, I love that car.

Oh, I am very, very happy
for the two of you.

Chips?

Now, listen, Rick,
I'm willing to trade you
my new Porsche for Debbie.

An even swap.

Oh, Cole, a car
for Debbie?

I mean it, Rick.
The car is yours.

All you have to do
is dump Debbie.

Oh! Oh, Cole.
Oh, this is perplexing.

What an intriguing offer
you've made!

Guys, what should I do?

Should I take the car
or should I take Debbie?

Debbie!
Car, car, car.

Depends on which
gets better mileage.
The car!

Debbie.
Take Debbie.

The car!

Debbie.

The car.

What a decision
I have to make here!

I would hate
to be in your shoes, pal.

Low mileage, it handles
like a dream.

Well,
so does Debbie.

I just got that car
2 months ago.

It's got everything.
It's got--

shit!

Shit, shit, shit!

Something amiss?

My car is gone!

Maybe it had
something to do.

You know--

if I don't get my car back,
you're dead, mister!

Gone just a few seconds,
and I miss him already.

[Wang chung's
dance hall days playing]

Don't you think it's
a little childish

getting revenge on
the guys like this?

Oh, Debbie, please.

You heard what
those hookers said.

They were supposed to go
to a bachelor party.

So what?
That doesn't mean
it was Rick's party.

Good evening, ladies.
Follow me.

Just go, will you?
Just don't touch anything.

Go ahead. Go on.

My god,
look at those guys.

What a hunk!

Look at that guy's buns!

♪ Take your baby
by the hand ♪

Come on, mom.

Debbie, I don't know
about this.

Mom, come on,
we'll have a great time.

Who knows?
You might even get lucky.

Debbie!

♪ We were so in phase ♪

♪ in our dance hall days ♪

♪ we were cool on craze ♪

♪ when I, you ♪

♪ and everyone we knew... ♪

Is there a Rick gassko
registered there?

[Ring]

Hey, it's Gary!

Gary! Gary!

He's downstairs
and wants to come up.

Hey! Hold it!

It's not Gary,
it's Michael.

Oh...
I don't believe it. Shit!

I may as well have
left my genitals at home,
the good they're doing me here.

Hey, Michael,
what's going on?
When you coming over?

Right after work.

Guess what, buddy.

Debbie and her friends
just walked in here.

No kidding?

Well, now that is--
that's interesting.

Hey, Michael, listen,
hang around down there

for a while.
We're gonna come down.

I want to
check this out.

What? What?
Yeah, yeah, bye.

Guys, we are going out
for some air.

Ok, nothing else to do.

Some air?

Where are we going?

Out.

I love going out.
It's fun.

Rick, Rick, I don't
think I want to go.

Oh, no, no. Come on, Brad.
It'll be good for you.

No, I just want
to be alone.

Well, all right.

But I want you
to do your homework.

And you can watch TV
for a half an hour,

but then it's straight
to bed, young man.

Ok.

[Door closes]

Come on, just stay
with me, guys,

'cause when the night
gets dull, call in a pro.

Al, how are you?

Ed, we're so glad
you could come over

at the last minute
like this and fill in
as our keynote speaker.

It's a pleasure, al.
I'm always glad
to help out in a pinch.

Listen, I should call
my service.

Is there a phone
around here I can use?
Yeah, right there.

Oh, thank you.

Ed, this is the biggest
turnout we've ever had.

Hey, this is our mascot.
Hiya, fellas. Ha ha ha!

You know, we've had
some big speakers,

but no one with
your marketing experience.

Ahh. I just want to
let 'em know where I am.

I'm expecting a very
important phone call.

I had to get out of the
house tonight anyway.

Some of my
daughter's friends

are giving her a bridal
shower at our place.

♪ Alley-oop oop ♪

♪ oop oop oop ♪

♪ there's a man
in the funny papers ♪

♪ we all know ♪

♪ alley-oop oop
oop oop oop ♪

♪ he lives way back
a long time ago ♪

♪ alley-oop oop
oop oop oop ♪

♪ he don't eat nothing
but bearcat stew ♪

♪ alley-oop oop
oop oop oop ♪

♪ well, this cat's name
is alley-oop ♪

♪ alley-oop oop
oop oop oop oop ♪

No, no, no!

No, no, no!
I'm a doctor!

I can't do this!
Oh, god, no!

Whoo! Oh, shit! Aah!

Well, will your friend
do this or what?

He'd do anything for money.
Oh, I love that
attitude in a guy.

Well, are they
still out there?
I'll check. Wait.

♪ Alley-oop oop
oop oop oop ♪

Aah!

Aah!

I don't believe this!

Whoo!

What does she
think she's doing?

Maybe checking him
for a hernia.

Oh, that's amusing?

It's amusing.

Well, what now?

Well, it's
action they want,

well, we're just the guys
to give it to 'em, eh,
me hardies?

Arr...

Guys, this is chippendales'
star attraction.

Mr. Nicholas, better known
as Nick the dick.

Nick the what?

The dick.

[Unzips]

[Soft thud]

Hey! Whoa!

Ok, ok.

Wow. Yeah, man, hey,
hey, personally,

I was impressed
when they opened

the world trade center,
but this,

this is
a piece of work.

Well, let's get
this thing going.

Tray, please,
Michael.

Rick: Bun.

Oh, well, now,
this is good.

Ok, uh, Nick,
or is it Mr. Dick?

Nick.

Nick, well, you want
to do the honors?

[Crash]

It's up to you.

Gentlemen.

This is going
to be great!

Here's your
orders, ladies.

You can help
yourselves.

Is that
the foot-long?

And then some.

Aaah!

Excuse US.
Mom, let go.

Debbie: Mom, let go!

Let go!

Mom, let...

Oh, shit. Come on.

Mom, let go,
please!

Hey, great. Hi.

Hiya.

Hey, lady,
how much?

Talk to the pimp.

Great.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, nice seeing you.

Hello.

Hey, let's talk.

Hey, bro.

What it be?

You're a pimp?
You look like ghandi.

I'm telling you
I am, Joe.

I want women.

I got women.

They sit on your face,
anything you want.

Great, great.
I want some. How much?

Big hassle now, bro.

Soon they go
to customers.

I got a bachelor party
at the parkview hotel.

That would be
out of sight, dude.

Customers in same hotel.
Great.

Let you have them
at cut-rate price

for 45 minutes--$200.

Great.

Sold.

45 minutes.
No problem.

Room 1002.

Not one minute longer,
or milt will come for you.

Milt?

This being milt.

Pretty heavy,
hey, dude?

Girls back
in 45 minutes...

Or milt cuts
your balls off.

Fair enough?

Shake.

I just bet my balls
and shook on it.

Did you happen to see
Tina's face?

Bobbi was less shocked,
of course.

She's used to seeing
something of that size.

Hey, yo, Brad!

Hey, big Brad.

Where's the young man?

[Knock]

What are you doing?

I'm killing myself.

Oh.

You know, Brad, marriage
is a dicey thing at best.

And sometimes people
say things they don't mean.

But, I mean, you and sue,
you're mature people.

Eventually, you'll
work this stuff out.
You gotta lighten up.

No, Rick, I don't
care anymore.

She hates me.

I'm gonna end it all
right here.

[Thud]

Oh!

Oh, god.

Oh!

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

Pain is such a rush.

Oh, this is good.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Oh, no.

This is pain.

Fabulous.

Brad: There could be
some major damage here.

[Door closes]

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Rudy: Hey, man!

Go check out your car.
It's beautiful!

My car? Where is it?

She's outside.

Shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit! Shit!

Rick, goddamn it!

You've had it.

I'm going to get you!

[Horn plays la cucaracha]

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

[Rick talking indistinctly]

This is your
bachelor party,

and you're not
having a good time.

I'm having a great time!

Rick: You're making a big deal
out of nothing at all.

Where the hell
is everybody?

I don't know.

All: Surprise!

The team bus
just pulled in!

Get down!
It's a party, Ricky!

Hookers!

It's a party!

Party, Ricky!

Debbie: Find anything?

I had a wiener
right in my hand.

I told you, Lynette,
men are pigs!

I saw those swine
just standing there.

God, what a gross
thing to do!

You know, I have
to admit, even for Rick,

that was beyond
the valley good taste.

Yeah, well,
Rick and his pals--pfft--

are probably knee-deep
in whores by now.

Phoebe : I can't wait to see
what those guys are up to.

Bobbi: Me, either.

Well, if I find out

Stanley's been screwing
around, I'll kill him!

Kill? I won't do
anything that drastic.

I just won't
get married.

Good. You're finally
talking some sense.

Well, let's get ready,
guys, come on.

Let's get going.
You with US, mom?

A strange wang,
right in my palm.

Hi, can I help you?

Woman: We're the band.

Band?

O'Neill sent US.

Oh, O'Neill. Great.

Everybody's busy
in the bedrooms right now,

but come on in.
Make yourself at home.

Oh, that's nice hair.

I'm gonna try to make sure
no one smokes around you.

Are you guys together?
'Cause if not,

maybe introductions
are in order.

♪ Why do good girls
like bad boys? ♪

♪ Why do good girls
like bad boys? ♪

♪ It must be
the thrill she gets ♪

♪ when he lights
a cigarette ♪

♪ or the way
his muscles flare ♪

♪ every time
he combs his hair ♪

♪ why do good girls
like bad boys? ♪

♪ Why do good girls
like bad boys? ♪

Alligator!

♪ Why do good girls
like bad boys? ♪

♪ She must think
it's really cool ♪

♪ cruisin' with him
after school ♪

♪ and it makes
her life complete ♪

♪ ending up
in his back seat ♪

♪ why do good girls
like bad boys... ♪

Oh! Hey! That
was incredible!

And also wonderful!

A moving experience.
I thank you...

From the bottom
of my heart.

Next! Somebody!

Ricky, Ricky, go, babe.

Get in there,
my brother.

My dearest family member.
Go. Get in there.

She's incredible.

Oh, no, no, no.
I will, I will.

But the party's young,
just starting up.

Ricky!
I will. Let me ask
a question first.

Listen, you're
my older brother.
Let me ask you some advice.

You are a married man, right?
I am about to be a married man.

What can I expect from
this marriage thing, huh?

What's the honest scoop?

Honest scoop?

First month,
from the beginning,

it's terrific,
it's great.

The second month,
you know,

things calm down
a little bit.

Third month,
you're looking

through your old
phone numbers,

old girlfriends.

But, by
the fourth month...

Fourth month,
you're just...

You're numb,
you know?

Just--it's incredible.

So by the fifth month,

hopefully, football
season starts.

Football?
You got ball games.

You're betting ball games.
You got Monday night.

It's Howard cosell--

Stan, I am so glad
we had this chat.

Really. Thanks. You really
answered my question.

Hi. We were
just walking by,

and we heard the music.

Can we come in?

Sure. Come on in!

Join the party, babe.

♪ ...and it makes
her life complete ♪

♪ ending up
in his back seat ♪

♪ why do good girls
like bad boys? ♪

Gary: What can I get
for 45 bucks?

An elevator ride
around the block,

a pogo pump,
or a pogo swirl,

or a pump with
an underground hammer.

Wait a minute.

Whatever happened
to hand jobs?

Hi.

Hello.

♪ I was dreamin' ♪

♪ woke up screamin' ♪

♪ I was drownin'
in a pool of sweat ♪

♪ my hands were shakin' ♪

♪ my head was achin' ♪

♪ my stomach
was so upset ♪

♪ that's when I saw two eyes
glowin' in the dark ♪

♪ I fell in love
with a little demon ♪

♪ little demon ♪

♪ little demon ♪

♪ angels above
can't touch my little demon ♪

♪ little demon ♪

♪ little demon ♪

♪ little demon ♪

♪ little demon ♪

♪ she crawled up
beside me ♪

♪ her smile
terrified me ♪

♪ and I was sufferin'
in ecstasy... ♪

[Buzz]

What the hell
are you doing?

Slashing my wrists.

With an
electric razor?

I know. I couldn't
find any razor blades.

Well, at least
your wrists

will be smooth
and kissable.

Give me this thing.

What is the matter
with you?!

Will you go out there
and have some fun

and have
a few laughs, please?

Ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha!

No, no, no. Have fun first,
and then have a few laughs.

Look, just forget about
the marriage for a couple
of hours, all right?

This is a party, remember?
Go out there and party.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Good, good.

Why, Gary, how's
the big stallion?

Rick, I really
think I'm in love.

We're talking
marriage, kids,

the whole thing.

Oh, I'm very happy
for you.

Name your first 6 kids
after me, ok?

[Toilet flushes]

Oh, my name is Tim.

I'm always available.

By the way, I also do
engine work on bmws.

Bye.

Aaaaaaaaaah!

[Spitting]

♪ I was cool
like a woman in her prime ♪

♪ and all I ever wanted
was mine ♪

♪ until you got
the best part of me ♪

♪ I let you have
the best part of me... ♪

That's another example
of better living
through chemistry.

I said, "that's
another example--"

are these on
or am I wasting my time?

Ryko: All right!

Hoo hoo ha! This
is gonna be great.

Stan: She's gonna have sex
with a donkey. Incredible!

Hi! Come on in!

Drugs to the right,

hookers to the left.

Good to see you again.

Hey, you! Why,
I ought to smack you.

Rick, buddy.

Pal of mine.

I'm concerned.

Hey, what about?

This is your party,
you bachelor party.

You haven't had sex
with anyone yet.

No, this is not true.
I had a bunch
of sex tonight.

I'm just very fast.
You haven't been able
to seen me. Foom! There.

Foom! Foom!
I had it twice.

Come on, I got something
you can't resist.

You do?

Do you remember Tracy?

Tracy? I am
a mortal man, O'Neill.

Of course
I remember Tracy.

You remember how crazy
she was about you?

Tracy was crazy
about me?

Oh, come on.
"Oh, Rick, he's so funny!"

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, yeah, of course she was.
Well, I called her up

and I told her that you
were about to be put
on the unavailable list.

Oh, you did, huh?

Yep. She decided
to come over

and give you
a little something.

Well, I, uh...

Right in there, pal.

Oh, in the bedroom?
Yeah.

Tracy's in the bedroom?
You got it.

Tracy is in the bedroom?

Heaven awaits.

Oh...

Oh...oh...

O'Neill!

Oh, well, now,
O'Neill.

This is a gift.

You bet.

How can I, uh...

How can I
turn this down?

You can't.

I guess I can't.

Oh, Tracy!

Yeah.

Ah, hell! All right!

Ok! All right! I will!
All right! Ok! I will!
All right! Ok!

If I'm not back
in half an hour,

call the paramedics.
All right.

That's the old Rick.

Hello?

Oh, eat my chair.

Rick, take me, please.

Debbie:
Rick, you promised me.

You promised you wouldn't
make love to anybody else.

Boys: Go for it!
Go for it!

Go for it!
Go for it!

Go for it!
Go for it!

Go for it!
Go for it!

Don't go back
on your word, Rick.

Be true. Be strong.

Go for it!
Go for it!

Are you nuts?

Look at my tits!
They're perfect!

Tracy:
Rick, take me, please.

How did it go?

Well, hey, hey...

If she can walk, I don't
know my business, you know?

Oh, hey, O'Neill,
I just lied!

I'm sorry, man!
Nothing happened
in there, all right!

I know how much this meant
to you, but I couldn't do it!

Nothing happened, ok?

I love Debbie, I made
a promise to her, and i'm
crazy about her, all right?

Hey, I understand.

Don't worry about it.

Tell you the truth,
I'm envious.

I wish I had someone

who was in
my every thought,

somebody I could spend
all my time with,

somebody I could
really respect...

Hey, look at the cans
on that bimbo!

I'm looking
for this dunghead

who took my women.

He's being liar
to me!

I want
my bitches back!

Holy shit!

I'm gonna get
milt right now.

I'm gonna get the
fuck out of here.

Who was that?

I don't know.

Well, what is this?

Got me.

How about this?

Still drawing a blank.

Hey, he look familiar?

Very.

All right, get the
hookers in a circle.

We're gonna put cochise
out of business.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

We are supposed
to be hookers.

Act sexy.

If Stanley's there,
I'll rip his guts out.

Stop this stuff!

We're supposed
to be hookers.

Just act sexy
or do something.

Ok, I'm getting in.

If we find him
up there--

shut up with that!
Will you shut up?!

We just have to
find the room.

Milt: You girls are
the hookers, right?

Yes, of course
we're hookers.

Yeah.

Milt: The boss said
deliver the hookers!
I'm delivering hookers!

We are not hookers,
you big dumb ape!

[All screaming]

How dare you!

[Gasps]

[Speaking Japanese]

Disgusting!

Let's get out
of here.

Oh, wonderful.

Any of you guys
from out of town?

Come on, fellas.

Fellas!

[All screaming]

Where the hell is he?

It's gotta be
on this side.

No, no, no.
It's on this side.

It's on this side.
We're right across.

Shh!

What am I doing?

Cole: Shit! Shit! Shit!

All right. This is it.

Ok, come on. Let me
fix you up here.

Let's show the gold.

Beautiful! Gorgeous!

Sorry, I lost myself.

Go get him.

[Knock on door]

Shit!

Make love to me, please.

[Zipper unzips]

T-minus 3, 2, 1...

We have ignition!

Kill!

Get him!

[Glass breaks]

We got him now!

[Fighting and scuffling]

Cole: No! No! No!

Oh! Hey, you guys!
You can't do this!

Sure we can.

We're just gonna put you
in a safe place

till after the party.

Oh, no! No! Please!
Please, stop!

No! No!

Hey, hey! Hey,
you guys can't do this!

Hey! Hey, come on! Hey!

No! No!

Stop!

You stay out of trouble
down there, young man.

Take care!

I hope you die,
you bastard.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Hey, you bastards!
I'm going to live.

Ahhh!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Man: Well, here we are.

This is going to be
some night, huh?

Are you ready
for this?

Are you ready
for this?

Come here.
Come here.

Come here.
Come here.

Look, why don't you
make yourself comfortable?

All right? Hmm?

You know, there's
a terrific moon out tonight.

Ahhh!

What?

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Hey! Ahhh!

Ok, we're here.

Now, how do we get
this donkey inside?

Ha ha.
I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

I thought you had it
all figured out,

you had a plan.

I don't know.
Maybe I did.

I don't know.
I forgot.

I'd like to get you
on an operating table

just once.

Ha ha ha!

"Ha ha ha" what?

Ryko: I got it.

Stan:
You got what? What?

Look, you're
gonna be ok.

Everything's gonna be fine.
Don't worry.

Don't you cry, baby.
How about some air?

You know, take in some air.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Huh? Here.
Take in some air.

There it is,
there it is.

Ahhh!

Oh, no! Shit! Shit!

Ahhh!

Are you sure
you're ok?

Yes.
Really?

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Oh, god!

I mean, comin' over
with the rest.

They seemed
like nice guys.

Well, thanks for your help.
We appreciate it.

Any time, al.
Good night.

Cole! My god, son!

What are you
doing here?

What happened?

The party's
upstairs, sir.

They made me
get naked.

What?
They made me
get naked,

and they hung me
out from the window,

and I was so scared,
and I fell.

All right, you get
a hold of yourself.

What room are they in?

They're on
the tenth floor, sir.

I'm going up there,
and I'll take care
of this.

You go get yourself
some clothes.

You look awful!
Yes, sir.

[Blows whistle]

This side 27,
this side 17.

Ready? Here we go.

♪ What's it like
where millions of voices ♪

♪ stand up
and call you a cheat? ♪

♪ What kind of hell? ♪

♪ What kind of hell
am I living in? ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ what kind of hell? ♪

How you doing,
everybody?

We brought back
a friend.

♪ Only time will tell... ♪

Gentlemen, ladies!

For your viewing pleasure,

meet Max,
the magical sexual mule!

Jeez, a donkey
that doesn't want

to be recognized?

Something interesting
is gonna happen here.

And here's Max's partner,
in more ways that one,

a gal who doesn't believe
happiness ends with primates--

the lovely miss Desiree!
Give her a big hand.

♪ Prepare to energize ♪

♪ do it ♪

♪ do it ♪

♪ do it, do it ♪

♪ do it ♪

♪ do it ♪

♪ do it, do, it,
do it, do it ♪

My, god! What are you people
doing in here?

[Music stops]

Uh-oh.
It's Mr. Laughs.

Rick, I knew
you were a vile,

disgusting degenerate,

but bestiality?

This goes beyond
my wildest dreams.

Yeah, well, I like to
stretch myself on occasion.

Well, you're
through, mister.

When Debbie
hears about this,

I can assure you

she will never
see you again.

O'Neill: You're
absolutely right,
Mr. Thompson.

You should go give Debbie
a call right now.

There's a phone
in the back bedroom.

You're through, mister.

Well, thanks, pal!

If Debbie finds out
about this, I am dead.

She's never gonna
speak to me again!

Will you relax?

I have everything
under control.

Hired help?
Ladies, follow me.

[Whistling]

I'm sorry for
the interruption, folks.

We now return you
to the arts.

[Music resumes]

Aaahhh!

[Snorting]

[Braying]

Aah! Aah!

Stan: Stand back.
I'm a doctor.

I'm a doctor. Back!

All right, come on,
come on.

It's heavy.

Come on, hurry.

Of course we
don't allow that sort
of thing here, ma'am.

No. I'm sorry that
the noise woke you up.

I will take care of it
right away.

I've had enough of this.

Aaahhh!

[Panting]

Let's just give them
what they want.

What?

Let's go. Come on,
everybody inside.

Big show's gonna
start in one minute.

[All talking
at once]

We're gonna have
so much fun.

Get out of here.
Go! Go!

Everybody, go!
I'll hold them off.

The rest of you,
make a break for it.

Eileen, are you crazy?
Come on, let's go.

Debbie, please.
I know what I'm doing.

Eileen--
just go. Go!

Ok, gentlemen.

The gods have answered
your prayers.

Banzai!

Oh, yes!

Oh!

I hope Eileen
is all right.

I hope those guys
are all right.

Oh, my god.
Ohh!

Oh, gross!

Eww!

Ohh!

1002.

♪ Who do you
want to be today? ♪

♪ Who do you want to be? ♪

♪ Who do you
want to be today? ♪

♪ Do you want to be just like
someone on TV? ♪

♪ Oh, boredom
is so terrible ♪

♪ it's like
a dread disease ♪

♪ nothing could be worse ♪

♪ than when
there's nothing on TV ♪

♪ I'd rather be a cowboy ♪

♪ than to stare blank
at the walls ♪

♪ I've been reborn
so many times ♪

♪ I can't remember
them all ♪

♪ and I say, who do you
want to be today? ♪

♪ Who do you
want to be... ♪

Guess who's here?

Another surprise guest.

Who?

Does the name Debbie
mean anything?

What, my Debbie?

Gary: What's
with the costume?

I don't know.
Hey, listen, do me a favor.

Go up to her
like you don't know her

and send her into
the back bedroom, all right?

You got it.

Hi, baby.
You're new here.

I don't believe the groom
has had you yet.

No, not...

No, not yet.

Where is the groom?

In the bedroom.

Thanks.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, it's dark
in here.

Oh, don't turn on
the lights, sugar.

I'll lead you around.

Oh, well,
a seeing-eye hooker.

This is a nice service.

Hey, you don't
look half bad.

Let's see how
you are in the sack.

Yeehaw! Whoo-hoo!

[Giggling]

Damn you, Rick!

Ow! Oh!

Debbie, you're a hooker!

I don't believe it.

I can't trust you.

Ha ha ha. Come on,
I knew it was you.

Hey!
Rick, you're lying.

It was a joke!
Debbie!

Wait.
Just hold on, please.

Hold on! Please!
Give me a chance to explain.

Debbie! Deb!

Debbie, I didn't
do anything...Hardly.

The marriage is off.

And now you
can screw around

with your friends for
the rest of your life.

I don't want that,
I want you.

And I want somebody
who understands

the meaning of
the word "commitment."

I understand commitment!
I love you!

I don't believe you.

Oh, you don't?
Fine. Cool.

Hey! Hey, people,
attention, please.

Hey. Shut up!

[Music stops]

Have I had sex with anyone
in this room tonight?

All: No!

You're sure about this?

All: Yes!

Rick: Fine, good.
Resume party.

[Music resumes]

Now, do you understand?

Now, this isn't
your ordinary party crowd.

I mean, there are
professionals in here.

But I didn't want them.
You--you--

you're the only one
I've ever wanted.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

So, what do we do
about it?

Let's get naked.

Ok.

No, Debbie,
not that bedroom!

Debbie: Daddy?

All my years
as a photographer,

I've never seen
such a natural.

The camera loves him.

Grrr!

Daddy, what are
you doing here?

[Muffled grunting]

He says he's having
a wonderful time

and he's thinking
of changing his name
to spike.

Grrr!

It's been going on
all day long.

I've been getting
calls all night.

God only knows what
they're doing in there.

All right, open up!
You're under arrest!

All right, boys,
break it in.

Hold it! Hold it,
hold it, hold it.

I've got the key.

Man: Let's go!
It's a raid!

Whoa! The cops!

[All screaming]

Help! Help! Help!

Come on!

[Sobbing]

So what
happened next?

[All shouting]

[Sirens wailing]

Mom?

Back exit!

Debbie!

Hey, Debbie!

Rick!

Rick!

Diana Ross
is playing next week.

I got 3 tickets
to that concert.

How about boy George?
What about the police?

Tim: Oh, hi.

Oh, no! Not her!

No! Anything but that!

No! Not her!
Not her!

She pees standing up!
Not her!

Stan!

You lying dog!

Wait a minute.
Hold it.

What did you say,
Stanley?

What did you say,
Stanley?!

What'd you say, Stanley?

You said no hookers.

You said no hookers!
No hookers! No hookers!

[All shouting]

Debbie!

Where's Debbie?
Where's Debbie?

Rick.

Aah! What the hell
are you doing?

Debbie, you're mine.

You'll always be mine.

Rick!

Have you
seen Debbie?

Cole: Shit! Shit!

Shit!

I thought she was
just next to you.

No. Have you seen her?
No.

Rick!

Oh, shit!

Get out of there!

You're coming with me.

Oh, god,
he's kidnapping her!
Back to the bus!

Ah ha!

[All shouting]

Help, Rick!

[Indistinct shouting]

Debbie, you're
coming with me.
Rick!

Cole, I've had enough.
How about you, huh?

Deborah, come with me.

Just give it a rest,
will you?
No!

Tickets? Hey!

Tickets? Tickets?

Whoa. Oh, shit!

Rudy: There's 36
theaters here.

They could
be anywhere.

Rick: Oh, now,
this is great!

Now what do we do?

Let's just split up.
We'll go this way.

Right! Ryko!

[Sobbing]
I killed the mule.

I killed my marriage.
My wife hates me.

What is the sense?
I don't know anymore.

What is the sense
of living?

I'll take
this theater.

Ryko, you take
the one down there.
Right!

Ooh! Small theater.

Rick?

Shit!

Rick!

What a realistic effect!

This is the best 3-d
I've ever seen.

Eh, I've seen better.

Whoa.

This time,
I'm gonna do it,

and nobody's
gonna stop me.

Fuuu...!

[Applause and cheers]

Do you,
Richard Ernesto gassko,

take Deborah Julie Thompson

as your lawful wife,

to have and to hold
from this day forward,

for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,
until death do you part?

I sure do.

[Applause and cheering]

And so, by the powers
vested in me,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Uh, i'm--I'm sorry.

I need something
special here.

Hold on.
Wait a second.

Oh, god almighty.

Ah! Rick!

What, honey? Come on,
we're married now.

This is perfectly legal.

Honey!

Rick, stop it!
Get that thing away from me!

Whoo-hoo!
Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Come here, Mrs. Gassko.

All right. Let's step
on it, driver.

We don't want
to miss our plane.

Right.

Hey, now, Brad.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Tires screech]

[All shouting]

Rick, call US after
the grandchildren!

Do it one time
for Rudy, Ricky!

Lay that pipe, Rick!

♪ It's a fond farewell ♪

♪ to the golden age ♪

♪ and it's hard to tell ♪

♪ until it's gone away ♪

♪ it's a long good-bye ♪

♪ to a carefree life ♪

♪ it's a last chance ♪

♪ turn out the light ♪

♪ what's going on here? ♪

♪ It's the end of an era ♪

♪ it's a precious moment ♪

♪ well, the moment's
gonna last ♪

♪ it's gonna last all night ♪

♪ it's a bachelor party ♪

♪ gonna pull the plugs ♪

♪ it's a firm commitment ♪

♪ to be totally insane ♪

♪ it's a solemn vow ♪

♪ to forgetting our brains ♪

♪ it's an indication ♪

♪ of a hidden desire ♪

♪ it's a wild ride ♪

♪ through a ring of fire ♪

♪ what's going on here? ♪

♪ It's an initiation ♪

♪ and it's paradise ♪

♪ it's a celebration ♪

♪ and it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ it's a bachelor party ♪

♪ it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ we're gonna pull the plugs ♪

♪ and it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ it's a bachelor party ♪

♪ and it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ gonna pull out the plugs ♪

♪ and it's gonna last
all night ♪

♪ it's the last time ♪

♪ to break all the rules ♪

♪ and it's a last resort ♪

♪ for a ship of fools ♪

♪ it's a bachelor party ♪

♪ gonna pull the plugs ♪

♪ gonna get real gone ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ look out ♪

♪ ohhh ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ it's an invitation ♪

♪ for hidden desires ♪

♪ it's a wild ride ♪

♪ through a ring of fire ♪

♪ what's going on here? ♪

♪ It's the last time ♪

♪ to break all the rules ♪

♪ it's the last resort ♪

♪ for a ship of fools ♪

♪ it's the last time ♪

♪ as a free agent ♪

♪ and it's the last chance ♪

♪ it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ it's a bachelor party ♪

♪ gonna last all night long ♪

♪ gonna pull out the plugs ♪

♪ and it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ it's a bachelor party ♪

♪ it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ gonna pull the plugs ♪

♪ and it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ it's a bachelor party ♪

♪ it's gonna last
all night long ♪

♪ it's gonna last
all night long ♪