Bachelor Flat (1961) - full transcript

Man: To arms! To arms!
The British are coming!

The British are coming!
To arms! To arms!

Mike: In america in 1775,
most of US Americans

were afraid of the British.

Oh, but, of course,
some Americans

weren't afraid
of them at all.

Reggie, baby!

It's safe!

He's gone to fight
your regiment
at Lexington.

Oh, good show!

Yes, back in those days,



the American woman
admired the englishman

for many things--

the smart way he dressed--

in contrast to their beatnik
American husband.

Also, the englishman
was so proper.

He always did
the so-proper thing

at the so-proper time.

Brisk instant tea,
my dear.

Reggie, baby,
you think of
everything!

Not quite, my dear.

Lovely shot, old man!

Hold my cup, darling,
will you?

( Gasps )

Well, that's how it was
with the englishman



and the American woman.

And unfortunately,
for US American men,

it's still going on today.

Well, this is the story
of an englishman--

Bruce Patterson--

who was a neighbor of mine
during the time

he was associate professor
of archeology

at a California university.

**

( All chewing gum )

Oh, no! Listen!

Listen!

Radio announcer:
Miss Helen bushmill--

well-known west coast
fashion designer--

today announced
her engagement

to British archeologist
Bruce Patterson.

No.
It can't be.

Impossible.

Mr. Patterson at present

is associate professor
of archeology

at California university.

I can't believe it.

Yesterday he was so
wonderfully eligible.

Yeah, well,
they aren't married yet.

Let's draw straws
to see who kills her.

Really, miss Turner.

Oh, professor,
I'm sorry.

I hope you'll be
very happy.

Not if you draw
the short straw.

Oh, professor Patterson?

Yes, miss pilkington?

I most sincerely wish you
and your beautiful
miss bushmill

the very best
of British luck.

Thank you,
miss pilkington.

Naturally, you
would understand.

Now, where did we
leave off?

Oh, yes, the jolly old
cro-magnon man.

Good looking fellow,
isn't he?

Uh, very much
like the modern man,

except for the fact that he,
as you notice, has a gap.

As man gradually
progressed through the ages

and became more and more
civilized,

the teeth became
gradually more even

and the gap disappeared.

I rather think it gives him
something, in a way.

( Laughing )

There is a theory
that the gaps were used

to make animal noises,
bird noises, signals,

and also to decoy
other birds and animals.

Um, this is purely
a theory, of course--

I don't know whether
it's true or not--

but I have carried out
some personal experiments,

and at least I do know
that it's practical.

For instance,
an English linnet Finch.

( Imitating bird call )

I hope you'll forgive me
for giving you the bird.

( Laughter )

**

Mike:
Professor Bruce Patterson

lives on the beach
in Santa Monica

in a house he rents
from his fiancée--
Helen bushmill--

who is in Paris on business,
viewing the new fashions.

I live in that elegant
trailer on the left.

Here I am,
doing what I usually do

when I'm not studying law
or chasing girls.

And speaking of girls,

I happen to live
with this underslung female

who is named Jessica,

after an underslung
maiden aunt of mine.

Jessica also is very fond
of the professor...

Just like most
American girls.

American girls really dig
the professor's
British charm.

Oh, good afternoon,
Jessica.

( Yawns )

Don't tell your master
I'm home.

I've got some papers
to correct.

But maybe Jessica
is mercenary.

Knowing the professor
is an archeologist,

she probably figures
someday he'll come up
with some bones for her.

( Humming )

But here in his bachelor flat
on the pacific,

the professor can relax

and get away from all those
amorous college girls.

He can brew his tea
and dream of getting
married for the first time

to Helen bushmill.

The professor thinks Helen
also is getting married
for the first time.

But unfortunately,
Helen, like most women,

hasn't told him everything
about her past--

especially one little thing
that just happened
to have happened

17 years ago.

Mother?

Mother?

Mother!

Mother?

"To Bruce--

"with all my love.

Just you forever."

( Humming )

* this old man,
he played one *

* he played knick-knack
on my drum, ooh *

* with a knick-knack,
paddy-whack *

* give a dog a bone

* this old man
came rolling home *

( humming )

Mike: Hey, professor?

Hmm? Ho.

Michael? Yes,
I'm in the bedroom.

I brought our
telephone back.

Oh, thanks.

Help yourself to
a refreshing glass
of soda water.

You read what's left
of my mind.

Sweet of you, professor.

What's sweet?

I mean,
it was sweet of you

to build a doghouse
for Jessica.

Doghouse?
It just arrived.

Ah, I'll be.
A bone.

A bone?
It's the leg bone
of a dinosaur.

Catch it around here,
did you?

As a matter of fact...

I came across it
purely by accident

while I was digging
last summer

in an area quite some way
from their natural habitat.

I sent it to Baxter
at Oxford.

He said this is between
57 and 58 million years old.

Hmm. I'd drink
to that, professor,

but you've goofed.
You're, uh...
Out of scotch.

There's plenty in
the cabinet over there.

No scotch,
but lots of gin.

I'm sure it's there.

Hmm. I must be cracking.

Fantastic devils.

Someday I'll write
a book about them.

Got the perfect
title for you--

raising dinosaurs
in your backyard

for fun and profit.

Hmm? A ha!

Careful, Michael!
What?

Oh. Adolph--sorry.

Difficult to find
decent shrunken heads
these days.

Your troubles
are over, professor.

I have got a laundry
that can shrink anything.

Which reminds me,
I gotta pick up
some shirts.

Got a hot one on
for tonight.

Ah, and I must
buzz off.

I'm dining with
professor bowman--

not to mention
his lovely lady wife.

Bowman--that's the guy
that's competing
against you

for the same
digging Grant, huh?

Not much competition,
I'm afraid.

The college is bound
to give him the Grant.

He's got seniority,
and he's a most
excellent man.

Do you know, Michael,
if they did give me
the Grant,

Helen and I
could go digging

for the rest of
that fellow in the desert
on our honeymoon.

What?

You see, when Helen
gets back from this trip,

she and I plan to spend
a whole year together,

just digging.

Sounds cozy.

Just you two
and the sand flies.

( Growling )

Jessica! What on earth
are you doing?!

Shame, Jessica!
And you just
had dinner.

( Growling )

You're a very
naughty dog.

Come on, sweetheart.

You don't care whose
heart you break, do you?

Michael, this is
a very valuable bone!

It's you or me,
professor.

Either you get
a smaller bone,

or I get
a bigger dog.

Come on.

Mmm.

( Humming )

( Bottle clanks )

Michael?

( Humming )

( Clatter )

Is that you, Michael?

( Clatter )

Michael?

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

Jessica, what are
you doing in there?

What the devil?!

No, don't be angry.
I didn't do anything.

You must be in
one of my classes.

Classes?
No, no classes.

You--

you must be
"prehistoric maiden"

or "young but willing",

and if so,
where's your shovel?

Let me go!

I'll put a stop
to this nonsense
once and for all.

You're all the same,
you sex-minded
college girls.

I've never been
to college!

Explain all that
to the police.

Aah! Ah!

Oh!

What are you doing
to me?!

No! You let me
out of here!

No!

Let me out!

( Shouting )

What are you doing?

Quiet.

No!

You there, operator.

No!

Get me the police.
I've got a wayward
girl here.

I'm not one of
your students!

( Sobbing )

Never mind.

You're not really
one of my students?

I'm really not.

All right.

Very sorry.

But you can easily
make mistakes, you know.

All you girls
look alike,

dress alike
and act alike.

Who are you, then?

Libby...

Smith.

Where do you
come from, miss Smith?

Originally or lately?

I mean, what are you
doing in my house?

Is this your house?

Well, I pay the rent.

Well...

I came looking
for some food.

See, I haven't eaten
since yesterday,

and i'm
awfully hungry.

You're really hungry?

Well...

Never mind. I'll find
someplace else.

No, no, no, no, no.
If you're really hungry,

I couldn't possibly
turn you away.

Where's the kitchen?

Through here.

Oh, by the way,
i'm, uh--

do forgive me,
but I was just--

oh, that's all right.

I'm professor
Bruce Patterson.

Hope you'll forgive me
for treating you
so harshly, but...

Believe it or not,
young women have done
this sort of thing before.

Oh, it was really
my fault.

I shouldn't have
sneaked in like that.

But it looked like
such a friendly house,

and that picture
in there--

she looks so friendly.

That's my fiancée,
and she is friendly.

Well, I must
finish dressing.

Help yourself
to the fridge.

Have all you want,
and then, uh...

Run along, eh?

Why haven't you eaten
since yesterday?

I ran away
from boarding school.

Well, why didn't
you go back to
your parents' house?

It's just my mother.

I don't think
she wants me around.

Having a daughter my age

probably makes her
feel old.

Well, that's rotten.

Oh, well, you'll
have to go back

to boarding school,
won't you?

( Mutters )
I'm going to stay
right here.

I wanted to stay
in my own house.

I gotta be honest
with you, eh?!

It wasn't
a boarding school
I ran away from.

It was a...

Juvenile delinquent
institution!

The--the cops
are after me!

I'm on the run,
brucie baby!

What did you say?

Hey, you're proud of
them legs, ain't you?

I'm sorry. I didn't
have time to dress.

Cute, but not the length
they're wearing.

Never mind about that.

Tell me about the cops--
I mean the police.

Well, that's why
I couldn't eat nothin'.

Why, if I went into
one of them eatin' joints,

they would've
spotted me like that.

I'd have been sent back
and beaten all over.

You mean they beat you?

You want I should show you
my black-and-blues?

No, no, no!
All right!

Hey, pretty good
chicken.

TV dinner,
or you cook it?

No, I didn't.
Now, listen to me.

Mmm! Our fiancée's
a good cook.

My fiancée
didn't cook it.

Oh, you got a gal that
cooks for you, huh?

I thought guys
only played around

after they got married.

Listen to me,
I don't play around.

Want some?
No, thank you.

That chicken was kicked
by an elderly cleaning lady

who comes in here
every week.

( Doorbell rings )
Oh, crumb! Who's that?

What are you
scared of?

I'm scared--
I'm afeared--

I mean, I'm afraid
of anybody finding me
like this

with an attractive
girl like you.

You think
I'm attractive, huh?

Miss Smith, would you
mind getting out of here?

Listen, if that's the
elderly cleaning lady,

tell her I like
beef stroganoff.

We never get that
at the delinquent
factory. Ha!

Here, brucie baby!

Oh, god!

Oh! Just like
my old lady.

You'd make
a good pair.

You both hate kids.

I don't hate anybody.
Now, hide in my bedroom.

And where are you
gonna sleep?

Young lady, I happen
to have a reputation.

Ha! At this rate,
you're gonna keep it.

Can you keep quiet?
All right, legs.

( Laughs )

( Doorbell ringing )

Coming, coming.

( Doorbell ringing )

Coming.

Mmm. Hiya, beautiful.

( Humming )

What's all
the racket about?

Having a party?

No, no.

No, I'm all alone.

Ooh, not anymore!

I brought
a few goodies. Mmm!

Baked them in my own
little oven!

Just for you.

Excuse me, you must
have the wrong house.

Oh, don't you worry
about a thing.

**
a little mood music.

Got a little...

( Humming

mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm!

Some mood smell.

And...romantic
candlelight.

Ooh!

There we go.

And I picked these
myself. Mmm!

Please, you must have
lost your way.

Ooh! My specialty.

Mmm.

One of them, anyway.

( Squeals )

Now, here we go.

Oh, dear.

Ooh! Martini time!

( Squealing )

Oh, dear. Are you
in one of my classes?

Me? I'm too dumb
for college.

You--you can
call me Gladys.

Now, sit down
and tell me

how you got that--
ooh, that cute gray
in your temples. Hmm?

It must be white by now.

Look, miss--
uh, Gladys--

Mike:
Stay there, Jessie.

Call me when Gladys
gets here.

I'm just going
for a drink.

Is junior
coming here?

Are you his Gladys?

Well...he thinks so.

Um, where am I
gonna hide?

Oh, he has
a vicious temper!

Oh! What are
you doing?

Oh, what are you--
you're ruining--

oh!
Oh!

( Shouting )

Mom, did you make
a boo-boo.

Hide in the clothes
cupboard.

In the who?
In the closet!

I can't get in here.

Your clothes
are too fat. Ha ha!

Hide in the bathroom,
the bathroom.

( Muttering )

Bathroom? Ohh.

( Clatter )

( Sighs )

Oh! Hello,
Michael.

I need a drink.

Please, help yourself.

I've got to
finish dressing.
I'm late for dinner.

Me, too. Gladys promised
to bring some food over.

Hasn't shown up yet.

How about that? Hmm.

Gladys? Gladys?

Who's this?
Never mind.

Is this the woman
you're going to marry?
Shh!

I hear you're
just stringing
the gal along

to get free rent.

( Whispers )
Quiet, please.

Hey, professor?
I just remembered something.

Michael, just a minute!
Just a minute!

I'm changing!

Oh! Oh!

What are you doing?

Under the bed.
Under the bed?

Nobody ever asked me
to do that before.

Can I come in a second?

Just a minute,
just a minute!

Okay, Michael--oh!

Uhh! Mmm!

Come on.

What's the matter,
professor?

Don't you like me
anymore?

No, that isn't it.
Sorry, Michael.

A little jittery.
What do you want?

The laundry--
it was cluttered.

( Telephone ringing )
I was just wondering
if I could borrow--

borrow anything
you like. Sorry.

( Thud )

Hello?

Professor Patterson?
Did you forget?

Oh, no, no, Dr. Bowman.

The dinner party?

I'm so sorry.
I've been detained.

Detained?

Your dry Martini is
liable to get damp.

Ha ha! Dry marti--
what's detaining you?

Oh, um--

oh, a most interesting
dinosaur bone

I dug up in a most
unexpected place.

Really? Where
did you find it?

Oh. Heh. That would
be telling--

( clatter )
Michael!

What?!

Boy, are you edgy.

I told you the laundry
was closed.

I want to borrow
a shirt.

Shirt? Of course.

Boy, that was fast.

( Doorbell rings )
Someone's ringing
on my doorknob.

I mean, somebody's
knocking on my doorbell.

Michael, go and see
who it is, will you?

Yeah.
Please.

Wait--

Dr. Bowman?
Yes, professor
Patterson?

I'll be with you
in a half an hour.

All right, professor.

A dinosaur--

a dino--

he's found
a dinosaur bone!

Gladys?

Gladys!
Hello there!

Is he gone, beautiful?

No, but you are--
out the window.

( Grunting )

Oh!

Professor, there's
a Bobby out here

that wants to
talk to you about
some kind of--

oh!

Come on.

( Squeals )

Professor, I just
want to tell you--

( grunts )

Thank you. Thank you.

I said there's
a Bobby out here.

Bobby who?

Police?

( Stammers )

You're not edgy.
You're over the edge.

Yes.

Yes, officer?

You live here?

Yes, at night.

Heh! I'm so sorry.
Of course.

Bruce Patterson--
professor Bruce Patterson.

I see.
You called about
a wayward girl.

Yes. A wayward girl?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

Somebody called
from this number,

and they canceled
the call.

Are you sure
it wasn't you?

Oh, no, no. Michael...

Have you been using
the telephone?

I don't get rid
of wayward girls--
I collect 'em.

( Laughs )
I see.

I, sir, am only
a wayward customer

of this quaint
old pub.

He's a near neighbor
of mine.

Actually,
he's right next door,
as a matter of fact.

I see. You mind
if I look around?

Oh, please do.

Ah-ah-ah! You got
a search warrant?

Do I have a what?

A search warrant. See,
the law clearly states--

Mike, Mike, Mike.

See, he's studying law.

By all manner and means,
do look around--

in here, in the kitchen.

Heh. Excuse me.
I'll finish dressing.

Well, a jacket--
a dinner jacket.

I'm going out to dinner
with some friends,

and I was almost
ready to go.

Excuse me, thank you.

Lawyer?

Gladys?
Hello there!

Oh! Oh!

Gladys!
Hello there!

Gladys? Gladys?
Are you there?

Are you there?

Come on, come on.

Oh, I was just
having some fun.

Whoo! See how much fun
we can have together?

( Laughs )

Who does he think
he's kidding?

You're so wonderful,
not cheating on a friend.

I can't wait till
you two become enemies.

Mmm!

Thank you.

Well, hello there.
Eloping?

Oh, yeah.
I got a midget in here.

Come on, wayward.

Get out of here
before that policeman
finds you.

Did that cleaning lady
bring my beef stroganoff?

I've never
seen her before

and, with
a little luck,

I'll never see her
again, or you.

Come on.

Buy yourself
some food.

Hey, is this for real?

Hey, are you for real?

Hey, I'll tell the gang
never to Rob this house,
all right?

Hey, you're an ace.

( Grunting )

Thanks for
the loot, pal!

Whoo!

Mm! Gladys!

Hi, junior.

This the wayward girl
you called about?

No, no--
hey, my wayward girl.

Then what was she doing
outside his back window?

His back window?
My back window?

Your back window.
I got the feeling

she just climbed out
of that window.

Professor,
what's going on here?

Gladys: Was
just coming over
to keep our date.

Uh, is this
professor Patterson?

Uh, no.
You said you were
going to introduce US.

Professor Patterson,
Gladys schmidlapp.

Schmidlapp.
How are you, professor?

( Laughs )

They make a charming
couple, yes?

( Sighs )

Lovely night,
isn't it?

You ever seen
once of these before?

It's something, isn't it?

It's a dinosaur--
the shin bone.

Which reminds me of the story
of the dinosaur--

the three dinosaurs--
I don't know if you know.

They were called
foot-foot-foot,
foot-foot and foot.

And one day, foot-foot-foot
and foot-foot and foot
were playing,

and foot said to foot-foot,
"foot-foot,

I'm not feeling very well."

And foot-foot
said to foot-foot-foot,

"foot-foot-foot,
did you hear?

Foot isn't feeling
very well."

Well, to cut a long
story short, foot died,

and seven weeks later--
or it might've been one--

I don't think it matters
very much to the story at all--

foot-foot-foot and foot-foot
were playing,

and foot-foot
said to foot-foot-foot,

"foot-foot--
foot-foot-foot--

I'm not feeling very well."

And foot-foot-foot said,
"I do hope you'll recover,

because we've got one foot
in the grave already."

( Laughs nervously )

( Sighs )

Did you notice
how nervous

professor Patterson
was all evening?

Yeah.

Like a dinosaur
on a hot tin roof.

Yeah. I couldn't get
a thing out of him.

But that man
never goes below
the paleolithic age.

Where did he find
that dinosaur bone?

Hmm. You don't suppose
that englishman

discovered it here
in California--
in Santa Monica?!

Literally in
my own backyard?!

I'm glad he found it.

Our disposal
couldn't handle it.

Where did he find--
oh! Ow!

**

"Dear professor,

"thanks for the loan.

"I never take money
from strangers

unless I steal it."

Hmm!

"P.s.: Don't worry,
I've found a place to sleep."

( Ringing )

Hello?

Oh, Paul.
How are you?

Oh, lunch?

I'm afraid I can't.
I've got to go
to a showing.

Libby? No,
she's in school.

Later?

Well...

Yes. I'll be there.

Okay.

Au revoir.

**

Helen! Mon cheri!

Oh, Paul!

How good it is
to see you!

Hurry, I have
a surprise for you!

Yeah. I have a surprise
for you, too.

Ohh. Ha ha! Every time
I climb those stairs,

they get higher.

Mon cheri, you look
lovelier than ever.

You're a charming
and a lying friend.

Oh, no, no,
I mean it.

Now, we both have
surprises.

Hmm.
Which one first?

Yours.

All right.

Oh, Paul,
it's lovely.

Lovely?

Oh, not my work--
my models.

It's yours.

A gift
from the artist

who adores both--
mother and daughter.

Why did it have to
happen this way?

**

( ringing )

Wow. What happened?
The professor
cooking breakfast?

We eat, sweetheart.

Hey, teach?

( Napping )
Over here, teach.

Morning! Ha!

Hey, what's that
you're wearing?

Morning.

Merely a device for
keeping the sea mist
out of my hair.

Why are you sacking
out here?

'Cause someone was
sacking in my bed.

But there's a big couch
in there.

This way, miss Smith,

nobody could say
we slept under
the same roof.

Oh. Anyway,
I made you some chow.

( Yawns )

Mike: Come on, Jess--
we eat!

Crumbs!

Come on.

Be quiet! He mustn't
know you're here.

( Indistinct chatter )

Hey, professor!

Hey, professor!
Michael?

Run down to the store.
I'm out of, uh, milk.

Milk?
Yeah, milk! Milk!

Yeah, get me, uh,
a couple of quarts!

You know,
those big quarts--
the large size.

Hope you know
what you're doing.

Oh, dear.

Please get dressed
and go before
he comes back.

Who is that jerk,
anyway?

Hmm, jerk?
He's a very nice fellow.

He's temporarily
out of funds.

He lives in the trailer
in the front.

He was here when
I rented the place.

A boarder, eh?

I like him,
and he respects me.

You're kidding.

Well, i--
I have no intention

of disillusioning him,
so please go.

I didn't know how
you liked your eggs,

so I made you
three one-minute eggs,

two two-minute eggs,

and one
three-minute egg.

And fried, scrambled
and poached!

What'll it be, teach?

No, no, thanks.
I'm too nervous to eat.

I'm gonna get awful
fat living here.

Living here?

Well, I slept here.

I slept out there!

Who's gonna
believe you?!

Listen, this is
a good hideout, ace,

and I'm shacking up
till the heat's over!

So relax,
brucie baby!

That sweet, adorable
child of yours.

Any man would be happy
to be her father.

What's wrong with him?

There's nothing
wrong with Bruce.

It's all my fault.

See, I just...

Didn't get around
to telling him that
I'd already been married,

so it was pretty
hard to bring up
a 17-year-old daughter.

An archeologist.

Mm.

Where'd you meet him,
in a cave?

Not really.
I rented him
my beach house.

And where was Libby?

Away at school.

Well, you must
tell him about Libby.

Oh, I intend to.

Of course, it may
scare him away.

I may lose him.

**

( Engine revving )

( Tires screech )

( Humming )

( Ringing )

Yeah, hello there?

Oh, it's you, junior.

Well, junior would
just like to tell Gladys

that she forgot something
in the englishman's
bedroom last night.

What are you--
what are you
talking about?

Then the cop was right--
you were in his bedroom
last night.

All right. Suppose
the cop was right.

You don't own me,
junior.

That's all I wanted
to know.

( Click )
Ohh!

Heh.

( Humming )

Whoops!

( Shivering )
Mmmmm!

Ooh.

( Humming )

Hiya, ace!

I say--i would like
some privacy while
I'm dressing.

I knew you were dressed.
I already peeked
through the keyhole.

Ah, they're still wet.
Never get drip-dry.

Do you mean
to tell me that you
left those things

in full view
of everyone?

Yeah!
Oh, what's the use?

Hey, where you goin'?

Miss Smith, I cannot
forcibly evict you,

because doubtless
you would accuse me
of manhandling you.

Yeah, I figured it
pretty good.

The papers are full
of lecherous men

and innocent
little girls.

Precisely.
In the language
of your world,

I'm up the
diabolical creek.

Hey, now, wait--
it ain't that bad.

I tell you
what I'll do--

if it gets too
dew-droppy out there,

I'll give you my bed,
and take the couch, okay?

I'll tell you
what I'll do.

Miss Smith, you can
have the whole place
to yourself.

What do you mean, eh?

I mean that i'm
going to an hotel

where I shall have proof

that I have not been
consorting with you.

Good day, miss Smith.

Oh, boy, did I
underestimate you!

You and your
sanctimonious yak-yak
about love and marriage,

and all this time
you're playing around
with my Gladys!

Gladys? Michael,
don't be so absurd.

Absurd, huh?
All right.

Blighty,
explain these.

Exhibit a.
Exhibit b.

These, your honor,
are the property

of one Gladys schmidlapp.

The prosecution
rests its case.

Here, look,
Michael.

Your honor, may I suggest

that the prosecutor
gets himself glasses?

For heaven's sake,
Michael.

Gladys couldn't get
into that.

And is this Gladys'?

Uh...

Couldn't be Gladys'.

It, uh--
it's padded, too.

Where do you get off?!

The nerve!

Padded! Little dab
of cotton,

and you call it padded.

Who's the small one
with the big mouth?

Michael, I know
you're not going
to believe this,

but I don't know
who she is.

She broke in here
last night.

She slept in my bed
last night,

without my permission,
of course.

She says she escaped
from a reformatory
for delinquents,

where they beat her,

and she's got
the black and blue
marks to prove it.

Look, miss Smith,
please--

this is the name
she gave--

miss Smith,
for the last time,

in front
of a witness,

will you please
put on your clothes
and go?

With a damp bra?
You want me to get
a chest cold or something?

Or pneumonia.
Maybe even double pneumonia.

Funny.
Good-bye, Michael.

I'm going
to an hotel.

Just a minute! Hey!

Who do you think
you're groping?

I intend to find out--
I'm his lawyer.

You, a lawyer? A!

Quite right.
Michael is studying law.

You're my first client?

Now...

What's your name?

Why don't you go
get another drink?

You're nutty.

Hey, small stuff,

you're alone here
with two grown men.

Anything can happen,
so answer the question.

All right.
All right.

All right.
What's your name?
Libby Smith.

What'd you get
sent up for?
Stealing.

And they beat you?
I got the bruises.

I'd like to see 'em.
Michael!

Well, as your lawyer,

I feel I should be able
to view the evidence.

However, if you don't
want to see her bruises--

I do not.

All right, so you got
sent up for stealing.

For stealing what?
We stole cars.

Who's "we"?
The gang.

How'd you get
into the gang?
I met a guy!

And then what?
He introduced me to
the rest of the gang.

And you started stealing?
We call it "borrowing."

And then you started
ducking the police?
Yeah.

And the professor here--
he's your patsy?
Yeah.

And if he throws you out,
you'll open your big mouth
and say you spent the night.

That's it, Clarence.

Professor,
unpack your bags.

You're not going anywhere.

Clarence--
I mean, Michael--

for one moment, I thought
you had the makings--

professor, I said
to unpack your bags.

Now, miss, uh--
Smith.

Yeah, Smith.
You couldn't have
spent the night here.

Prove it.
I can, because I
didn't see you here.

How could you see me
when I was in his bed?

Because I was
in bed with him.

You--

the professor was having
one of his nightmares.

I was here
giving him hot milk.

So you couldn't have
been alone with him.

I am his witness.

That's a lyin' lie!

Now you prove it.

Well, I got a witness
says...

Your girl Gladys--

she was under his bed
last night!

Gladys?
Under a bed?

( Both laughing )

Oh, ridiculous.

No, no, you're not
gonna cause trouble
between US allies.

Mm, that's right--
US allies.
Yes.

Good-bye, Libby Smith.

Well, professor,
you'd better
pop off to class.

You're gonna
be late, you know.

I'll stay here,
wait till she goes,

lock up and all that.

Thank you, Michael.
You know, you really
do have the makings

of a very good barrister.

With me gone,
who'll be your witness?

Oh, professor!

She's...just a kid.

Exactly. I'll drop you off
at your class.

Oh, but--but--

oh, good morning,
professor Patterson.

Professor bowman.

A neighbor of mine--
Michael pulaski.

Oh, how do you do, sir?
Hello.

Well, how did you sleep
last night, professor?

Fine.
Fine?

I thought you might've
been up all night,

looking for the rest
of your dinosaur.

( Laughs )
Hardly.

It's like--oh!

Nice to meet you,
pulaski.

I'll be seeing you
again, professor.

Bye, professor.

Got it!
Got what?

You and bowman are after
the same thing, right?

The university Grant?
Yes.

And if you get in trouble,
then he's got the Grant
for sure.

Trouble?

Yeah, sort of
like a scandal.
Like a teenager.

Oh, but, Michael,
the professor and I

are in friendly
competition.

Just remember--
that kid is in your house

with that old bone that
he's so interested in.

I flatly refuse
to believe this.

Why did she go there?
Why did she pick your place?

Why does she want to
stay there? Ow, think.

Mm-hmm.

He did press rather
a lot of martinis
on me last night.

Aha! See?

Now, if you'd
come home stiff
and found that kid there,

who knows?
You're English,
but you're human.

Thank you.

Michael, will you
do me a favor?

Will you drive
straight back home?

Here's the key
to the door.

Libby?

Libby?

( Dog barks four times)

Four barks? A ha!
Gotta be jayne Mansfield.

All right, Jess,
where is she?

( Barking )

Libby!

Libby!

Boy, am I glad
you're still here.
I thought you'd gone.

I am gone.
I'm out of the house.

You lied
to get me out, too.

But I had to.
The professor's my buddy.

But don't you worry--
no, I won't worry.

But listen--i talked him
out of putting you out.

You can stay, see?

Yeah, why'd you
do that?

Because, honey,
you're a--

the name's Libby.
Sorry. Freudian slip.

Now, come on.
Sit down.

Come on, come on,
sit down.

Look, please, please--

now, I'll tell you why.

You escaped from
a reformatory, right?

Yeah, right.

Well, if you are
innocent,

you'll have to go back,

and, uh,
if I could prove

that, um, they beat you,

then, uh...We'd have
ourselves a case.

Wouldn't we?
Simple as that.

Well, if you did
keep me out of jail,

I don't know how
I'd ever repay you.

Ohh! Even if
you were rich,

I wouldn't take
any of your money.

No?
No, no.

Well,
I'm just a kid.

Yeah.

Well, all I could
give you is...

Some...
Childish thing,

like--like--

Did he molest you,
child?

Not him. He's got
a terrible overbite.

Huh? That's a relief.

Once more. Let's be
childish again.

You are.

So was I childish
to listen to you,

to think that Dr. Bowman--
a scientist and gentleman--

would behave
with such foolishness.

Luckily, I just
arrived in time

before you could
harm that child.

Child?
That's no child.

That's a
40-year-old dwarf.

It takes time to learn
how to kiss like that.

I can't throw you
off the property.

Helen gave you
a parking space

for that mobile
sex wagon of yours.

She also gave you free
electricity and water,

in exchange for which
you were supposed to
have done the chores.

I've tried to emulate
Helen's generosity
by being kind to you,

but in future,
stay out of my house,

out of my bar
and out of my way!

**

So I stole cars.
I was the jag expert.

You know, those jags
get a lot of loot

from the used car
dealers.

Oh?
Mm-hmm.

You know Sam beezlebub?

Beezlebub?

Yeah, the grinning irishman.
He advertises on TV.

Oh, no. I've only been
here for five months,

so I haven't got round
to your better programs.

Oh, that's too bad.

Beezlebub bought
all the cars
that I stole.

( Clatter )

Ah, here he comes--

the law student
in for his toddy.

Not anymore.

What do you want,
Michael?

I've come to--

the bar's over there,
bannister.

Barrister.

All right, big deal.
So you can spell.

You're a lousy
kisser, though.

What is it, Michael?

One thing you said
before is right--

I did promise Helen
I'd do the chores

in exchange for
a free parking space.

You mind if I begin?

Well, Helen meant,
uh, raking the leaves

and shooing
the caterpillars
out of the garden.

You know perfectly well
Mrs. O'Connor does
the housework.

I know, but i'm
emotionally insecure,
going all out.

Libby and I are
also going out.

Going out where?

You'll see.

All right, well,
I'm gonna get dressed.

Mike: Come on, Jess.

That's a girl.

Michael, i--I'm sorry
I lost control
of myself today.

It's okay, professor.

I really am sorry.
It was most
unbecoming of me.

When I, uh...
Finish with the floors,

you want me to turn
her bed down?

Hmm? Oh, uh, no, no.
She's not coming back.

I'm taking her out
for a bite to eat

and then to the
sheriff's station.

There's nothing
like a nutburger

with chili sauce
on it.

No, there isn't,
is there?

Glad you're
enjoying it.

I like being with you.

I--i enjoy
your company.

Hey, this is
a crazy car.

I feel like
I'm driving
with no hands.

( Chuckles )

I'm beginning to see
why that woman you're
marrying went for you.

I don't know why she did,

but I'm certainly
glad she did.

Where are we going?

We'll be there
any minute.

Dancing!

Uh...not exactly, no.

Mmm. I love surprises.

( Laughs )

Sheriff's station?
Mm-hmm.

You want me to go in there?

You must.

Well, it--it was
a good nutburger

with chili sauce on it.

I thought you enjoyed
my company.

Please don't make it
more difficult.

Don't worry,
I won't involve you.

Of course you won't.
You're far too--

may I kiss you?

Daddy.

Yes, miss?

Do you know when
the next bus leaves
for Berkeley?

In about an hour.

Is there anything wrong?

Libby! Come here!

Come on.

What are you doing here?

I knew you wouldn't
turn yourself in.
Yeah?

I hate to see a kid
out in the cold

when I got a nice,
warm trailer.

You think I'm 15
or something?

No. And it kills me
to say this,

but I promise--
no passes.

And the professor--
he won't know
you're there.

Where would you sleep?

I'll take Jess' bed.

Oh, come on.
Honest.

Why would you want
to do it?

Because I'm a crazy,
mixed-up kid.

True.
True.

Besides, Jess barked
at you four times.

What does that mean?

She may never
do it again.

I want to be sure.

Libby:Echoing
you said you enjoyed
my company.

I do, I do.

You said you enjoyed
my company.

I do, I do.

You said you enjoyed
my company!

I do, I do.

You said you enjoyed
my company!

I do, I do.

Then why'd you
send me back?

You could've made
an honest woman
out of me!

I had to.

They beat me here!

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(Screaming)

Did they hurt you,
Libby?

Nah, I wore
my rubber girdle.
Hmm?

I wore
my rubber girdle!

Oh, good show.

( Chuckling )

I'm gonna get
out of here!

Hmm? O, no.
You mustn't, you mustn't.

I'm out already!

I'm not only gonna
steal jaguars,

I'm gonna kill
all jag drivers!

No, Libby, you mustn't!
You mustn't!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, get out.

No, no. Libby!

Okay, blubber.
If it hadn't been
for "legs",

you might've
lived longer.

I say...
Don't kill blubber.

Libby! Don't kill
Mr. Blubber!

Libby!
Don't kill blubber!

Libby!

Libby! Libby!

Don't kill blubber!

Libby,
put that gun down!

No, stop!

Libby!
Don't shoot blubber!

Bullets hurt!
Don't shoot blubber!

Libby!

Libby...

Libby...

Hey.
I'm...

Sorry I took
you back to
the reformatory.

Honest?
Mm, I'm very sorry.

Well, that's all right,
'cause I didn't go.

I'm still here.
Hey, teach? Hey!

You didn't shoot that
lovely Mr. Blubber,
did you?

What?

You--you escaped
with your--

with your, um,
rubber girdle.

Girdle?

Hey, you must've had
a bad dream.

What are you
doing here?

You were screamin'.

Hmm? Here were you?

I was out sleeping
in Mike's trailer.

Oh. Hmm?

You sure were
screaming, professor.
Yeah.

What were you doing
in Michael's trailer?

Sleeping. But listen,
I don't like his bed.

It's too lumpy.

So I think
I'll move back in
and take the couch.

And if you have
any bad dreams,

I'll make you
some hot milk.

All righty?

Come on, kid.

Nighty-nighty.

Monsieur dukoff?

Just a moment, please.

Yes?

We were able to get you
on the next plane
to New York.

Oh, thank you.

Flight 729.
It leaves in one hour.

Thank you.
Thank you very much!

( Tires screech )

Guess who?!

( Laughs )

Mrs. Roberts...
I'd never have known.

I won't be Mrs. Roberts
very long.

My husband and I
have called it a day.

So my nights are free.

And Helen's away,
so you nights are free!

I'm late for class.
( Honks )

( Gasps )

Good-bye, Mrs. Roberts.

Radio announcer:
And this is
dick whittinghill,

inviting you back
to our first-run
second feature--

the trial of Mabel Smith.

Turn around, Jess.
You're gonna
like this.

Your name?
Mabel Smith.

And you claim
the reason you
escaped from jail

was that
you were beaten?

You want to see
my bruises?

That won't be
necessary.

Why were you in jail
in the first place?

For stealing.
For stealing what?

We stole cars.

"We"? Who's "we"?

The gang.

How did you get
in the gang?

I...met a guy.

He introduced me
to the rest of the gang.

He introduced me
to the rest of the gang.

And you started
stealing?

We called it "borrowing".

Well, we called it
"borrowing".

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

**

( Clattering )

( Clatter continues )

( Whimpers )

( Thud )

( Snoring )

( Snoring )

( Whistling )

Oh, professor...

What are you doing?

Changing a tire,
miss Turner.

Oh, I see.

And then you're gonna
put on your spare tire.

That's right,
miss Turner.

How interesting.
Hardly.

I mean, it's interesting
that you always carry
two spare tires.

Miss Turner, I only
carry one spare tire,

like everybody else.

Well, then you're
wasting your time,
professor.

Miss Turner...

I don't wish
to appear rude,

but you would
please leave me
and my puncture alone?

Okay, professor.

I'll leave you and your
two punctures alone.

I wonder what
she meant by that.

Crumbs!

Miss Turner.

( Screeching )

I dig-dig you!

Miss Turner, keep your
eye on the road!

Miss Turner, are you
out of your mind?

Professor,
I can't sleep nights
because of you!

Take pills, miss Turner!

Professor, kiss me!
Kiss me or I'll scream!

Go ahead, scream!

I can scream
like Bette Davis!

No, no, no!

Don't scream
like Bette Davis.

Then kiss me!

Kiss me!

You missed a place!

Do it where
the lipstick is!

Please.

Why, professor...

Oh. Mrs. Roberts.

Come in, sweets.
It's drinky time.

No, thank you very much.
I'm just leaving.

Leaving?
You're not leaving.

I only took archeology
to be near you.

Miss Turner--
one of my students.

You must be
a good teacher.

Oh, thank you.

Professor?

Professor!

Do you realize
that i--

I even let the air
out of your tires

just to be near you?!

Thanks for the lift,
miss Turner.

**

Hi.

Hi. Where you been?

Barrister school.

When can we talk...

Car borrower?

Hey, what's the patch for?
You breaking out again?

Come on, let's talk.
You're not gonna
catch anything here.

I know.

But I do keep trying.

Oh! Hey,
I got a big one!

Get it! Catch it!

Ohh!

Give me that!

Hold on to it, now!

Hold on! Ohh!

Hold on, Mike!

Hey, come on,
give it!
It's my fish!

What do you mean?
Who's pulling him in?

You got him?!
I got him!

I got him!

You can't even hold on
to the pole!

Watch out! Aah!

Help! Can't swim!

**

Libby! You're worse
than Liz Turner!

He almost drowned.

What?

I'm giving him
artificial...

Respiration.

Get a fire department.

Right. Yes.

You stinker!

Wait'll I tell
the professor.

What are you
gonna tell him?
You're Helen's daughter?

What are you
talking about?

I should've noticed
the resemblance right off.

You're beautiful,
just like your mother.

And I'm nutty
about you.

You're nutty, period.

Where'd you get
the key to the attic?
That door's always locked.

It wa you.

Please don't say
anything.

Not for me, but...
For my mother.

All right?

It's a deal.

Thank you.

Lie down.

Thanks for saving my life.

What is this?

( Siren wailing )

The fire chaps are coming.

I'll sure be happy when
the pulmotor gets here.

I could use it for myself.

Come on, you chaps!

Okay, kids,
we'll take over.

( Muffled shouts )

( Laughs )

( Muffled shouts )

( Shouting continues )

**

I wonder
where it could be.

What are you
looking for?

My bone--
it's missing.

Missing? Ow could
that bone be missing?

I don't know.
Somebody must've taken it.

It couldn't
just walk away.

Why not?
It's a leg bone.

Michael, that is
a very important bone.

I want to show it
to Dean crowley tomorrow.

( Whines )
Michael...

Hmm?

You don't think that...

Jess took it? Ha!
Come on, professor.

Jess like you.
She's not gonna
take your old bone.

Are you, Jess?
( Whines )

Jessica looks
very guilty.

If she did take it,
she would've left traces
in the sand.

**

there you are--
she d drag it away!

Well, come on,
don't just stand there!

Hello,
professor Patterson.

Oh, hello,
miss pilkington.

Lovely day.
Excuse me.

There he is!

Here we are!

Oh, professor,
look...

Oh! E's digging
like a dog!

Probably
an English bull.

Here it is!

I knew it! I knew it!

( Grunting )

Look at the size
of that bone!

Ooh!

( Both chattering )

No! Don't do that!

( Shouting )

It's the shin bone
of a dinosaur!

A beautiful specimen.

Relax, professor,
you've got your old bone.

Michael,
it isn't the bone.

I'm sorry, professor.
So Liz Turner let the smog
out of your tire.

Then what?

Out of my tires.

Sit down. Tell me
all about it.

I'm so weary of it all.

Professor,
you've got the kind
of problem

that every American man
would like to have.

Michael,
it's no joking matter.

These girls will
drive me up the wall.

You can stop it
if you want.

How?

Be aggressive.
Chase them.

They'll leave
you alone.

Say that again.

Well, take me,
for instance.

I run after girls,
I come up empty.

I thought you were
supposed to have success
with the opposite sex.

To be perfectly honest
with you, professor...

The only girls I get
are the ones I promise
to introduce to you.

Oh, Michael,
you must be jesting.

It makes me sick
to be so honest.

Well, take Gladys,
for instance.

The only reason she
brings me food and drink

is so I'll
introduce her to you.

And Dolly--
remember Dolly?

Wasn't she the one
who hid in the back
of my car?

No, Dolly's the one
who pretended to faint
in your bathtub.

Gracious, yes,
how could I possibly
forget her?

Bend down to pull her out
and got all those bubbles
in my eyes.

Yes, yes, hmm, hmm.

Be aggressive,
chase them? Mm?

That's in, professor.

I couldn't do that.

It's against
my basic character.

You could do it with
a bit of stimulus.

Come.

Now, uh...
You know the story

of Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde.

Of course I do.
A classic tale of
split-personality.

The schizophrenic
Dr. Jekyll drinks
the potion

and turns into the
horrible Mr. Hyde.

That's right.

A scotch...

And bourbon...

Potion.

I know
you don't drink...

But greetings,
Mr. Hyde.

You really think
this will make
any difference?

Heh heh.
It'll take time--

a couple of seconds.

Will you bring in
the bags, please?

Yes, lady.

Oh, hello, frank.

Oh, hello,
miss bushmill.

So happy
to see you home.

Thank you.
It's good to be home.

You don't feel
anything?

Not a thing.

Don't particularly care
for the taste of it,
either.

Maybe I shouldn't
have made it with
scotch and bourbon.

I'll make this one
with vodka.

There's no taste
to vodka.

Look what it does
for nikita.

Paul! Are you
following me?

Well, I thought
perhaps I could be
of some help...

In case things do not
go as you wish.

Oh, Paul.
You are a dear.

Thank you.

I was just on the way
to the beach.

To tell him of Libby?

Yes, I'm going to
tell him about Libby.

( Barking )

Well, Jessie, honey,
are you glad to see me?

Oh!
How are you,
miss bushmill?

Is Bruce around?

Um...he's still
at the college.

Oh. Well,
I didn't call him

because I wanted it
to be a surprise.
Yeah.

( Laughing hysterically )

( Humming )

( Ringing )

Mm-hmm.

Guess who?

Splendid.

( Humming )

Professor...

I'm going to enroll
in your classes.

I dig that crazy
homework you do.

Mm! With your pupils.

Heh! Gorgeous
creature, you.

( Sighs )

Aah! Oh! Oh!

Uh--

professor Patterson!

What's happened to you?

Aah!
( Laughing )

Well, that's Bruce
and Mrs. Roberts!

( Screaming )

What's the matter
with you?!

Because, uh--

where are you,
maid Marion? Ah!

( Screaming )

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That is Bruce--
without his trousers!

Mister?

Martini time!

Wait for daddy.

( Muffled shouts )

Ooh, professor,
what cute shorts.

You going swimming?
I'll join you.

Why waste time swimming,
my little stuffed olive?

( Laughing )

Professor,
what's wrong with you?

Nothing! Ha ha ha ha!

Tally ho!
Not to mention...
Ole!

( Screaming )

Aha!

( Tarzan yell )

( Screaming )
( Laughing )

Whoops!

Yah!

( Screaming )

( Strings breaking )

( Screaming )

Ah, there you are!

( Indistinct chatter
and laughter )

Hello,
professor Patterson.

Oh, miss pilkington!

Another lovely day.

Oh, yes.

Tally ho!

( Laughing )

Miss bushmill,
don't do that because--

ohh!

Aha!

Aah!

( Laughing )

( Screaming )
Yah!

( Grunting )

Ha ha!
Lizzie Turner.

Oh, professor.

Aah! Hat are
you doing?

Huh! Mike! Mike?

( Screaming )

( Sighs )

Oh, Mike.

( Screaming )

( Yawns )

Bye-bye!

Mike, old boy!

It worked,
just as you said!

Yippee!

Miss bushmill,
let me explain.

I got him drunk.
You see--

no, no, I don't see.

There he is--

the shy englishman
I fell in love with.

While you were gone,
the phone rang.

I answered it.
Hmm?

It was Libby's school.

She has been missing
for a week.

Missing?!

They said they
tried to reach you.

Missing?

Where could she be?

Look!

Mother.

Libby!

Libby!
Mother?

Ha ha!

Mother.

Why did you run away?

I just heard
you'd been missing.

Ohh.

Ooh, he scares me
sitting there
like that.

What are you
whispering about?

He couldn't hear
a cape canaveral
blast-off.

I never saw
anybody that stiff,
not even my mother.

It's like he's dead.

Hey, easy on
the curves, huh?

Uhh...

You all right,
professor?!

Hang on, old boy!

We're almost there!

There he goes...
Just like mother.

Oh, thank you.

Honey, what's wrong?

I have to talk to you
about something.

Do you two ladies
wish to be alone?

No, Mr. Dukoff.

( Doorbell rings )

Excuse me.

Helen.

You--

you maniac!

Please listen to me.

I have done
all the listening
I intend to do,

you--you two-faced
Judas!

I saw you today--

you and your
ridiculous umbrella.

When I first met you,
that umbrella
was charming.

It was--it was
a bit of old england.

( Sobbing )
Now it's become a symbol
of my stupidity!

I should've known that
any man who carried an
umbrella in California

was a fool!

But not as big a fool
as I've been!

Mother, listen,
please.

Please listen.

And I'm happy
to tell you

that I did not
tell you the
whole truth!

I have
a 17-year-old
daughter.

I'm 18 today.

An 18-year-old
daughter.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

( Sobbing )

That ridiculous
englishman.

Ridiculous umbrella!

( Thunder )

Come on!

( Thunder continues )

**

Darling,
please forgive me.

It's raining
in California!

Forgive me, too,
please!

I'm Libby.

Yes. Libby Smith
bushmill Patterson!

Libby Smith bushmill
Patterson...

Pulaski?

Mike: Well,
that's the way it was.

We were all wet
and all together
in togetherness.

And don't feel sorry
for Gladys schmidlapp.

She did all right.

Paul and Gladys are now
very happy in Paris,

where I think
they got married.

( Hiccups )

And Helen
and the professor--

they had their honeymoon
in the desert,

where they're
really digging.

And let's not forget
professor bowman.

You find any bones
yet, sweetheart?

Bowman: Echoing
nope, no bones!

But there's something
strange down here!

Strange?
What do you mean?

( Crashing )

( Rumbling )

**