Babysplitters (2019) - full transcript

What are you doing?

- I'm getting a condom.
- No. You don't need that.

Okay. Why would I not need that?

Let me get one...

- You don't need one.
- I swear we have... why do you keep saying that?

Because we don't.

Would you relax or something?
I feel like... there it is.

Okay. There it is.

Right there.

Right there.

Oh, yeah.



What's wrong?

It just doesn't feel
as good this way.

Well, it doesn't feel as good
for me either.

But you're off the pills,
so this is what we gotta do.

Just do it and pull out.

You know I can still get
you pregnant like this.

Jeff, it is impossible to get
pregnant from pre-cum.

Not with my guys. What if they're
like the Michael Phelps of semen?

Okay, giving yourself
a little too much credit.

Also I'm turning 35 in a month,
it is not that easy.

We could be having sex for a
year before I get pregnant.

And even then there's a 50
percent chance of miscarriage.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Also my doctor says that I'd officially
be considered a geriatric pregnancy



because of my age.

Okay, I'm starting
to lose my erection.

We're gonna start trying soon but you
need to stop saying geriatric, okay?

Let's go. Let's go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We haven't done this
in a long time.

- Feels good, right?
- Uh-huh.

Cum inside me.

- What...
- Wait, what?

Cum inside you? That wa... that was
the moment we decided to have a kid?

Yeah. What did you think
the moment would be like?

I figured there'd be some
talking involved.

Okay. We have talked about it
many times.

- You said you wanted to have kids.
- I do. I do. One day.

Okay. It's a day.

You know we're never gonna be
totally ready, right?

That is not an attractive look.

Okay, how about now?

Okay, why did you stop taking
birth control anyway?

Because if we want to start trying to
get pregnant in the next few months,

I gotta get my hormones
in check, you know?

Get my cycles right, start having
regular periods, get the eggs dropping.

Oh, hey, I'm sorry I... I couldn't hear
you. Did you just say next few months?

Well, you said soon.

Okay, well soon could
be next year.

We've been together since I turned
30 and you have said that annually.

I definitely didn't
say that year one.

I don't get it. I mean,
you have a stable job, it pays the bills.

I don't see what the issue is.

The issue is once we have a kid,
I'm locked in supporting it

and then the next thing you know
I'm retired and I've wasted my life.

I mean, you don't hate your job
so it's not the same for you.

Well, I don't love my job, Jeff.
I find things I like about it.

I like being outside all day.
I like being my own boss. You try it.

I...

What else
are you gonna do, Jeff?

Your ideal job is
environmental sculpture artist.

There's literally one guy in the entire world
that gets paid to do that. Job's taken.

I should have never shown
you that documentary.

My God, you're never
gonna be happy.

It doesn't have to be that.

I can be happy doing a lot of things as
long as I'm not inside at a desk all day.

You're never gonna be ready.

Okay, maybe not.

Alright, but maybe this entire
proposition makes zero sense, alright?

You spend years trying to find the person
that you love the most in this world,

the person that you
want to spend your life with,

and then for some reason the
two of you conspire to create

a third person that you like
better than each other?

I mean...

I mean literally, gun to your head and
you're both gonna choose your offspring.

Well, that's life, Jeff.

I didn't sign up to live my life
according to a biological clock

that we don't know if
you're reading correctly.

That is exactly what you signed
up for when you married me.

I'm just saying I'm fine with it
either way.

If we have a child, great. If we don't,
that's fine too. I'm committed to us.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.
That is not what you said.

You said,
"Yes, I want to have kids."

Yes, I do want to have kids. I just don't
want to sacrifice my life to do that.

You know, sometimes I... I wonder if
you actually want to have a baby with me

or if you just
want to have a baby period.

Well, don't force me to make the
choice because the baby has the edge.

Still here and I know
you can hear me.

- I can't.
- You can hear me. Those are just covering your eyes.

Your other
senses are still active.

Okay. so, basically the new orders come in
and we route them through four key steps:

upsell, subscription,
processing, fulfillment.

Each sales VP, you guys,
will get clearance from me

before routing to the subsequent
department. Any questions?

- Mm-hmm?
- So why do us "guys," aka vice presidents,

need to get permission
from the manager of new orders?

Well, actually I'm not the manager,
I'm the chief executive of new orders.

So what does that make you?
My... my boss?

Yeah, chief, like I'm the chief
and you're the tribe.

Whoa, are you kidding me?

Was that offensive?
That's an analogy.

Okay, okay. Well, I'm pretty sure the proper
term is Native American, so we both misspoke.

Now you're whitesplaining.

Have you seen me?

And I think you're white.

Whoa, whoa, hold on. You're assuming
she identifies that way. It's not okay.

And since you're in a place of
power, I identify you as Caucasian.

- I don't think it works that way.
- Oh, so now you're mansplaining?

I can't correct someone
just because I have a penis?

Okay...

I'm sorry, did I miss
the trigger warning?

I feel like you just pulled your
penis out and it's all up in my face.

I feel like I'm watching you
stick your penis in her face.

My penis is nowhere
near anybody's face.

Pause.

Jeff, why don't you come
take a seat, okay?

- Good job.
- Okay.

Dope stuff, J.

Dope stuff. I'm proud of you.
You're learning.

You guys,
you see what he did there?

Good presentation, de-escalations
when things got tense, alright?

Ashleigh, I felt it. Got to work
on those T-Dubs, J.

Yeah.

- Trigger warnings. Come on.
- That's right.

Look, I... we just had our last leadership
evaluation and sensitivity training, right?

Best weekend of my life, guys.

- Yes, so fun.
- Honestly, take... take me back.

Look, you guys, let's remember
we are farm-to-table, alright?

We put the table in vege-table.

- Yeah.
- I love that.

Alright. Out. Alright?
Carry this on, alright you guys?

I'm sorry for making
assumptions.

- What's up, Triple Play?
- What up, B?

- Keep excelling. You're the man.
- Yeah.

- Hey Ben, you got a minute?
- Look, Jeff, okay,

I understand you wanna emphasize
your title, okay, but as the CEO...

and I don't even like saying that,
okay, it's just customary at this point.

That's not what
we're about here.

It's actually about the field
position that opened up.

You know that's
a step down, right?

Yeah.

Can I show you something?

- Yeah.
- Alright.

Okay, I was digging through some
files last night and I found this.

- You remember that?
- Yeah.

You handed this to me at a
recruitment event ten years ago.

This is what I was picturing when I
went to work at a farm-to-table startup.

I wasn't thinking I'd be actually at
a table crushing analytics all day.

Jeff, I'm sorry, okay? You're
too valuable where you are.

I can't give you
a demotion right now.

Yeah, more like a pro.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh yeah.

- Put in mouth guards.
- I can't believe you guys still use condoms.

No wonder you
argue during sex.

Well, what are we
supposed to use?

- Rhythm Method.
- Oh, is that that app?

Yeah. I mean basically I record
my period every month

and it gives me the percentage of
chance I have of conceiving each day.

Under one percent
and you don't use anything.

Well, Jeff's afraid of pre-cum.

The app is as effective
as condoms.

- Yeah. And it feels a lot better too.
- Yeah.

And I hate the side effects of the pill.

Oh my God, the worst.

Okay, so what... what if Taylor reads
it wrong, you know, accidentally?

Are you kidding me?
He'd be thrilled.

Then I wouldn't have
to deal with his daily coaxing.

You ready to have kids?

I mean... Yeah.
I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

I mean I worry about the cost but my
gym business is doing pretty good.

His sponsorship just got
renewed for Buff It Out.

- Nice.
- Oh.

You know, my pops passed away last year,
my mom's getting older, it just clicked.

I want my kids to know her.

I wait any longer, she'll be 90 by
the time they say their first word.

But you're not ready?

I mean not really.

I'm afraid of what it's gonna do
to my time and my body

and therefore my career.

See? She's in the same boat as me,
trying to make it doing something you love.

Taylor was just chosen
as a principal dancer

for the South Coast
Ballet Company.

She starts next month.

- Congrats!
- Yes.

- It's amazing.
- It's awesome.

- Cheers.
- Don's been super supportive.

I mean he's got me
on the strength training program

and this incredible
nutrition plan.

He makes me like
two smoothies a day.

I've never felt stronger
and more energized.

So you guys are the reverse?

Yep.

Well...

I mean I like the idea
of having kids,

just not the idea of having
kids, if you know what I mean.

Totally.

I mean it's like it crushes
your social circle, right?

Parents have kids and they ditch
their childless friends,

they make new friends
and then they just disappear.

We'd have to have
kids just to see them again.

You know what? I think
they look down on us.

I think you're right.
I think they resent us.

And then we're
forced to resent them

while we're looking at stupid
pictures on their phones.

Jeff, you yourself said
there are some positives.

Okay, yeah there are, there... it's
true, it's true, there're some positives.

As you think it's impossible to
make new friends in your thirties,

all of a sudden you have a kid and it's like
freshman year of college all over again.

New friends every day.

Yeah, and a whole
new business network.

My friend met some investor guy at the
playground and next thing you know,

he's got the startup money.
Kid could be a good business move, Jeff.

Yeah, maybe I can borrow a kid to
schmooze until I have my own one day.

Well, we babysit
for my older sister once a week

so she can go out with her husband,
and like a real night out, they go hard.

- Nice.
- That's why their relationship is still great.

And then I get to hang out with
my little niece who's amazing

and it's all the fun,
none of the tantrums.

Just split it even?

- Yeah.
- Down the middle.

I just feel like as a woman
we wait, and we date

and then you wait some more
and then you break up.

And then you finally find the right person
and you wait and you wait and you wait

and then before you know it, you're having
to consider putting your eggs on ice.

You know what'll be perfect?

What if we could split a baby?

Half a share in one baby?

What?

That would be pretty optimal.

Best of all worlds, really.

Right? I mean we'd have two
completely different sets of friends.

We could trade off day-to-day,
week to week, month to month,

whenever we need it,
right, straddle the line.

Yeah, but wouldn't the kid be a little
confused splitting between all of us?

Well, my parents had joint
custody and I turned out fine.

My mom taught me dance and art and literature
and my dad showed me muscle cars and camping.

But this would be even better.

It's two sets so two moms, two dads
and, you know, no one hates each other.

See? I mean lots of people come
from split families these days,

unconventional families, it's just
that no one's thought of this idea yet.

It's a pretty great idea.

Are there even any cons?

Well, for one, I would want
the whole experience to myself,

you know, like pregnancy,
miracle of childbirth,

creating milk for a little baby
that came out of my body.

You can have all of that.

My issue is I'd only want to do
it if it was my kid genetically.

Well, I mean look
at your genes.

Don was a sperm donor
in college. Tell them.

No. Stop.

He's so modest.

Go on Don, tell us.

Based off of his physique,
his DNA test, his aptitude exam,

let's just say his sperm
was in high demand.

- I believe it.
- Yeah, I believe it.

- Have you ever donated?
- No. Um...

I tried but apparently I'm a carrier of
this rare double earlobe gene in my family,

- so that was...
- Yes.

I've heard about that earlobe.

- His uncle has three.
- He's a triple.

Well, I guess that
settles it, right?

Sure. Let's get started.

- Great.
- You know what, if that's what it took for me

to get pregnant before my next
birthday, I'd consider it.

- Fine. Thank you very much. Appreciate it.
- Yeah.

That shit happened to me
all the time in Chicago.

- Shit from Chicago, ha ha.
- Alright. We go this way.

- It was so great seeing you.
- Always good to see you.

- See you guys.
- You too, man.

Let's do it again next week.
We're free any night.

- Awesome. So good to see you.
- I'm in.

Don.

And hey, think about
the kid plan.

Splitsies?

Yeah.

- Think about it.
- You're not gonna look at our kids and see Don's face.

No, I'm gonna see
your beautiful face.

- That's sweet.
- I won't.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, and hypothetically you'd be okay with our
children not being your biological children?

I said I was fine
with adoption in ten years.

Wait, you're actually serious
about this?

You haven't stopped
talking about it since drinks.

Okay, well, I mean did you see
the difference?

Don and Taylor, they talk to each
other, they talk to us.

With our other friends,
it's just conversations about babies.

Every two seconds they're
pulling out their phones

and showing us pictures
of their kids and I'm like,

"Yeah, okay, I can see your kids are actually
right over there in the other room."

Just, I don't know,
it takes over their lives.

Look at you. Are you waiting
for us? Punky Woofster.

- Hi, baby.
- Come here, you little punky.

Oh, hello.

We missed you.

- My baby muffin.
- Oh, she's posing for you.

- Give me a smile. Smiles. Smiles. Yes.
- Three, two.

Oh, gorg... gorg.
This is our baby.

Time's up.

Wait! Wait!

I'm here!
You can stop writing it.

Don't you have anything better
to do with your time?

This is my job.

I left my son in the car. You... you can't
ticket a car with someone waiting in it.

Well, unless he's getting out and feeding
the meter, doesn't matter where he's at.

And you're
also missing front plates too.

It's double infraction.

Tell you what, I'll let you go
with just the parking fine

if you promise to put a front
plate on this week.

You're a terrible person.

I'm actually
the best at what I do.

And they call me the Pelican

because I'm really good at
spotting my target 50 yards out.

I just ran in for an audition on the
way to drop him off to soccer practice.

You don't even
have kids, do you?

You don't know
what this is all about.

Well, enjoy
your government wages.

I'll be driving home
in my Lexus.

I'm actually paid on commission.

And Lexus is just
a fancy Toyota.

Whoa, look at this. So cool!

Oh my God...

- You just ruined this man's sculpture.
- It's okay. You alright?

I'm sorry. Yeah.

It's okay, just a couple
of hours. It's... it's...

I mean it's very cool indeed.

Alright, let's... let this man
get back to fixing his art.

- It's all good.
- Sorry.

Hey, when we get home,
can we try to make one of those?

Sure we can.
That's called an environmental sculpture.

Nature artists. It's
really famous in...

Yeah?

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm sorry about the other night.

Me too.

I know you're just scared.

I like our life too.
I don't wanna lose it.

Hey, aren't you going out
with Marie tonight?

Actually, she just called me.

Her and Brad are up for some day
drinking at that magical cocktail bar.

What?

Awesome. Okay, well, I
haven't seen Brad since...

- Since baby number three.
- Before they were outnumbered.

I haven't seen Marie
since then either.

Well, babysitter ends at 10:00,
so we've got like five hours.

Okay great, I'm on it.

Oh, have you seen my jeans,
you know,

the dark ones I got from
the Personal Styling Club?

Your jeans that are more expensive
than mine are in the laundry.

You're not supposed to wash them. You're
supposed to freeze wash them to protect the dye.

I remembered. They are under the
pot stickers in the top shelf.

Got it.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It's so good to see you.

- You look wonderful.
- Thank you. Did we overdress?

No.

No. Okay.

Oh.

Just give me a moment.

Strong.

Mom, open it!

So our babysitter canceled.

- Oh.
- Oh, shit.

- Yeah.
- Can you get another one?

Is there like a Uber
for babysitters?

Okay, look, don't worry, everything is going to be great.

I ordered in some French bistro,

we got bottles of Bordeaux from Brad's boss.

Kids invited some friends over,
we'll just put a movie on for them

and then we'll go around to the
back patio and lock the door,

and it would be like we are
in the south of France.

- We'll make the best of it. We'll be fine.
- Sure.

- Open this door.
- No!

- Let's go around to the backyard.
- Yeah.

Looks like the kids have taken over
the backyard. May we please come in?

Go ahead. Here's your ticket.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- After you.
- Come in.

- May I?
- Of course.

- Thank you.
- May I?

Yes.

Good day. May I?

No ticket, you have
to go that way.

Ah...

Wow.

I pooped my pants.

I pooped my pants!

Enemy troops!

Get him!

Why?

Why?

Woah. Ha! Ha!

Oh...

Hallelujah!

Thank you, princess.

Here we go, Addy. Here we go, Sunky.

Oh, hold on.

- The prince is calling.
- Okay.

Hey. What are you doing?

Just wanted to check in because
I am in the bathroom.

Why?

I was just fucking ambushed.
A children army amassed and attacked me.

Okay, Jeff, they are
just being kids.

Oh, they are being
kids. Yeah, yeah.

South of France, huh?

I think our geography was a little bit off
because it felt like I was in Normandy.

Okay, well, I'm in the den during princess
teatime while Marie gets the kids settled

and then we'll have dinner just
the four of us, okay? Relax.

Relax? Yeah.

I was gonna ask you, how did you get
that ticket, was there a pre-sale list?

The food's here.
Meet me in the kitchen.

Get me a new shirt.

Sorry, where were we?

Tada!

- Oh.
- Hey.

Sorry about that.
I saw you out there.

I was rooting for you. Oh my goodness.
Have you met Kendra?

I don't believe so. Hi.

Kendra's here selling us magazine
subscriptions for school.

Oh, cool, yeah, I used to do
that in junior high.

- It's called middle school, idiot.
- Wow.

"We can beat sarcoma." So is
that like your rival school?

No, it's a rare form of muscular
cancer that my friend is dying from.

I'm raising awareness.
You know what, I'm leaving.

- Bye. Thanks for coming. Bye.
- Bye, Kendra.

Wow, teenagers, right?

Awareness mission accomplished.

See what I have to look forward
to in a few years?

Um, so where's Brad?

Oh, he's putting the little one
down. Just relax, have a drink.

I put a clean shirt for you
on the counter.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Can you get the bottle
in there? I need a refill.

Oh hey. Looks like we're halfway through.
You're missing out, bud.

Marie, she's out of the bottle. She's just
not... she's not into the father feeder.

I already fed her. Just
put her in the Pack 'n Play.

- Buddy, how you doing, dude?
- What's up?

- Whoa, whoa, don't crush the baby, man.
- Yeah, of course.

Saw the baby. I saw her.

Let's eat. He'll join us later.

- Let me help.
- Wanna grab my wine?

Okay. Okay. Come on.

I think there is one more.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Oh! She's so adorable.

- She's very expressive.
- Yeah.

- Look at them.
- Oh, there's more?

Yeah.

She was just so cute back then.

Oh hey, Ty, another choice, please.

Ty, think about your choice.
You guys want dessert?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Alternate choice. Alternate choice.

We talked about this,
remember?

Okay? Next time I'd appreciate
a better choice.

Right. No, we don't really want
to say anything negative.

Basically the foundation for CCPP
is that everything a child does is right.

Come on, clean better.

Maybe you can encourage
them to make a better choice.

- So you're not saying like "no"?
- Right.

We keep telling him
but it's hard.

You know, you're not supposed to say
it's wrong, it's just another choice.

You're not gonna wash that?

Honey, this was delicious.

Oh yeah.

I have been waiting for this.

Sarah. Sarah.

So, have you guys seen the new
season of our favorite show yet?

No, we haven't.

We have been watching this
Netflix documentary on education.

- Yeah.
- You know, charter schools, school choice.

- Really fascinating.
- Yeah, it is.

It's tough trying to figure out
our parenting paradigm this way.

I hear that's a really tough one.

They are doing
a chemical...

- Anti-imagination thing, yeah.
- Anti-imagination.

- We don't know.
- What are you doing?

Right now it's CCPP.

Oh, come on.

Load me up.

Hey, what are they doing? What
are they doing over there?

Hey guys, it's adult time.
They are fine.

I think someone needs
to tell them to... to stop.

Am I loaded?

Loaded and standing by.

I think I'm gonna go to the restroom
for a little bit, might be a lot of it.

Yeah.

Fire in the hole!

No, no.

Yes! Yes!

It's my jeans.

- Okay, you know what?
- Got you!

- Un-cool choice.
- Although I'm impressed that you got that to work.

I've been
working on that for a week.

That's it?

That's CCPP, it's collaborative,
constructive, permissive parenting.

I'm not gonna punish
my kids for being creative.

So you're not
gonna do anything?

Don't worry though, it's just
a bleach bottle bazooka.

You know it's a little vinegar, some
baking soda, maybe a tiny bit of bleach.

Let me try something.

- That was a terrible choice.
- Oh Jeff.

No, you've upset them.

That was a bit much, I agree.

See? We can find common ground.

Well, we wouldn't be like that.

I need a drink.

And yes, I know, I wouldn't be
able to do that if I was pregnant.

Hey. They're out of Pacifico.

I'm not drinking anything
called Yeast Perfection.

I think it has a nice finish.

Hey, what's wrong?

This is great, right? I mean
we're out on a weeknight.

This stuff right here we
can't do if we have a kid.

I'm cold and this music sucks.

Okay, well, take my jacket.

No, keep that on.

Hey.

What's up? What's going on? What went
wrong since we got here ten minutes ago?

Just got an email
from Dr. Palmer. Test results.

The three thousand dollar test?

You said that we were gonna
wait on that.

Well, my mom said they should
pay for half of it

and I'm glad she did because now I
found out that my egg count is low.

How low?

Low enough that he said it's
in the middle range.

Okay. Well, then it's in the middle.
That's just great.

No, middle is bad, high is good.
Also my egg quality isn't good, it's fair.

Okay, well high is above average.
And fair means it's probably fine.

No, fair is not good.

- Okay, well what's below fair?
- Poor.

Well, we're not poor,
we're fair.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Hey, where's Tay?

We got some bad news today.

Doc says her egg count is low.

Wait, did you guys go together?

I told her about the test at drinks last
week. She said she might do it. How low?

She can't have kids.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Maybe we should talk seriously about
that thing that we talked about.

Jeff.

No, no, it's... it's okay.

I thought we were all just kind
of joking around

but Taylor
kept talking about it and now...

Hold on, hold on, wait.

You... you guys are actually
serious about this?

I mean it's not ideal but better our
friend's DNA than some random egg donor.

I'm totally serious about this.

And you always said you're a free
spirit, you don't conform to norms.

Well, I am.

Okay, then why treat this like
it's not an actual option?

I mean we all got
our reservations and concerns

but we talked
about the pros and cons.

Cons: it's not my DNA.

I would trade that
for the pros.

Finances, free time,
social life, career, sleep.

Fine.

Fine?

If you're all in, I'm in.

Is it working?

Is it working?

Nope.

Okay, what about now?

I don't even know why they let baby boomers...
is that what it is, I don't know.

I don't even know why they let
them touch the computer,

like they don't know anything about
technology. They never grew up with this.

I know. It's like my mom.

I'm not a baby boomer.

Is it working now?

That's it.

Great. Okay, cool. Fine.

So let me ask you this. If you got
to this page, what would you think?

You three designed
the page, right?

So imagine you get to this page for the
very first time, what would you think?

Can I get a minute?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, take all the time you need.

You're not gonna...

- Hey.
- Jeff Penaras? It's Cicero Jones.

- You remember me, don't you?
- Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I got a life-changing
financial opportunity for you.

- You interested?
- Definitely.

Send me your resume
when you got a second.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll send it over ASAP.
- Awesome, bro.

Hi. I'm here to meet...
there he is. Thank you.

- How you doing?
- Good. How are you?

- Wonderful.
- Good to see you. What are you, rolling from a funeral?

I'm coming from the office,
boss likes to keep it professional.

Well, get ready to lose boss
from your vocabulary.

Well, tell me all about it.

You've been pretty cryptic on the phone, I
don't even know what I'm interviewing for.

Oh, this isn't a job interview.

Oh. You said you had a life-changing
financial opportunity for me.

Yeah, this isn't a job,
it's a way of life.

Oh, okay. You're gonna try to sell
me supplements, knives, face cream?

Breasts.

I'm sorry, what?

I mean do you know
the stats on implants?

Why would I know that?

Okay, a thousand implants are
done every day.

But there's
a problem with them.

Can we fast-forward
to the life-changing part?

If they aren't massaged,
they harden.

You gotta loosen it up.

You gotta... you gotta put space in
between the implant, room to breathe.

Yeah, I... I need to get back to
the office in like twenty minutes.

It's that space that keeps the
breasts feeling soft and natural.

I had no idea. Feels like you're
not listening to me.

Exactly. And you know it's hard
for a woman to rub herself.

She's gotta ask her boyfriend or ask
her husband or ask her girlfriend.

And what if she's single?

I think I'm gonna have
the rock shrimp tempura.

Yup.

Burke Williams, Beyond the Spa.

Do I look like I know anything
about the spa business?

Boob Williams, Beyond the Bra.

So how did it go?

So, it went fine.

- Fine?
- Yeah.

Just fine?

I don't really wanna
talk about it honestly.

Did you write everything out
you're gonna say before...

- I don't really do that anymore.
- Why? Why? It always helped you.

Sorry, I just really don't
want talk about it now.

- You didn't get it?
- I didn't want it.

You know, you say you want
another job

but then you're not open to these
new things that come in your way...

It's a company that massages only
breasts on women with implants.

Okay, okay.

You're gonna turn right here
and we're gonna head south.

Wait, I thought we were doing
this at Taylor and Don's house?

Change of venue.

Come on, push. Push. Push.
Get it up. Get it up. Get it up.

Lock it out!

Good. Rack it.
Take a break.

Thanks again for doing the meeting
here, guys. Where were we?

Yeah, so, uh, religion.

Spiritual, not religious?

- Check.
- Good by me.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. It is so nice that we agree on everything.

Right?

Okay. What do we tell friends,
family, coworkers?

Tell friends, don't tell co-workers.
Family, use discretion.

- Great.
- Yes.

Let's go, leg extensions.
Come on, come on.

Squeeze them out now.

Uh... Parent-teacher nights?

Alternate grades, so teachers
don't catch on.

Sounds great.

Okay. Last name?

I thought we already talked about this.
We're gonna go hyphenated, right?

Let's go. Squat, one last set.
Come on. Burn them out.

Burn them out. Let's go.
Good job. Come on.

Yeah, but I put it back in the list
because we never discussed order.

We assumed that since Don is the biological
father that we'd use his name first.

So, Small-Penaras.

No, no, no, no. Penaras-Small since
Sarah is having the actual baby.

Jeff, kids will tease him
in school.

They'll make up songs,
Penaras-Small, Penaras-Small,

push him on the ground, you
won't even hear him fall.

It happened to me
from first grade on.

Well, no one's singing that song
now. I mean, look at you.

And if it's a dude with the
last name Small-Penaras...

Okay, he's got a point.

Okay. Well, that leaves us
with one last thing,

which is have we talked about
what we're gonna tell the doctor?

That's Jonah, Trevor, Tommy,
Ana, and, yeah, Maggie.

Thanks for asking.

Beautiful family.

It's the best.

It's a big life changer,
but you'll never regret having kids.

Yeah. Speaking of,
can we get back to discussing yours?

Yes. So, Jeff took the test again
but it just said the same thing.

Yeah, it's been hard.
I mean, I just...

I love kids, I love babies.

Well, male infertility is
very difficult to swallow.

But you've
come to the right place.

I'm sorry, I forgot your name.

I'm Don. Don Small.

You look familiar. Have
I seen you somewhere?

Uh, I'm the spokesman for Buff It Out.
You might have seen the ads on YouTube.

Yes. Yes, I have.

Buff It Out. That's you.

Very cool. I'm
bulking up myself, you know,

- trying to get my beach bod on back.
- Cool, cool, good.

Lot of... a lot of shakes.
I don't work out much but...

Dr. Palmer, if you could just go back, you'd
mentioned some technical stuff earlier,

zygotes, intracytoplasmic sperm
injections, ovarian overstimulation.

Can you just go over that
in layman's terms for us?

Great recall.

- Yeah.
- He's a good listener.

Kind of nailed it there. But I'll...
yeah, I'll break it down for you.

You are going to jerk off
in one of our beat bays

and then we're gonna give Sarah
some of these pills,

they're gonna get things charging
for you and then we're just gonna...

We're gonna vacuum out some eggs,

take it all to the laboratory,
that's where we create the baby embryo,

and put it all back up in there
and let it bake for nine months.

- Awesome.
- Okay.

What is the success rate?

Very effective.

Aside from the cost,
there is little downside.

So what's the out of pocket on
something like that, book rate?

For you there's no cost,
you're the donor.

- Of course.
- We're gonna have Sarah and Jeff sign the paperwork

that will legally absolve you from
all responsibility of the child.

So we'd be fully financially
responsible?

Correct.

Yeah, he'll be free and clear
and in exchange

he'll have no claim or
paternity rights to the child.

- Can I get...
- Okay, sure, have one.

Now the procedure is all-inclusive,
flat cost 35.000 per attempt.

Usually doesn't take
more than a couple tries.

Now if you're
looking for a deal, uh,

there's a decent chance
that you'll get a BOGO.

Buy one get one free.

- Twins?
- Precisely.

Yeah, in vitro fertilization

can increase your likelihood of
multiple zygotes by about tenfold.

- I mean that would just defeat the purpose.
- Hmm?

I just want to love that first
baby fully before I have another.

Okay. Well, if you're not looking to increase
your chances of a multiple pregnancy,

then this one's
probably not for you.

Artificial insemination is
another option.

It's not as effective as IVF
but it's much more affordable.

Here at the clinic we charge
about 8000 per attempt.

And a woman of your age probably would
take about six cycles to see a good result.

It just sounds like a scam. I
mean we can do that ourselves.

Ah, the old turkey
baster method.

You're saying
that wouldn't work?

Semen has to be forcefully
inserted into the cervix.

I can squeeze a baster.

You think you could baste
at 28 miles per hour, hmm?

'Cause that's the speed
of ejaculation.

Bottom line is, I've seen many
would-be clients come back to me

after they did the home basting for
years and years with no results.

Yeah, think about it.

It seems
like finances are an issue.

Okay.

Um...

I don't know you guys
very well,

you're very sweet and I don't
want to cross any lines here,

but there's this new alternative,
it's gaining in popularity.

Five times the conception rate.

None of the cost.

Natural donor insemination.

The old-fashioned way.

- So, sex?
- Yes, it's just what it sounds like.

Your husband wouldn't pregnant my
wife, it's out of the question.

What?

It's just... I don't see
any other way around it.

Plus, it solves our legal
and financial problems.

We'd have equal
rights and obligations.

No, no. And of course
you're all in.

- Dude.
- It's kind of the best option we have.

You're for this too?

I'm for a baby. You're the one
that doesn't want a "full" one.

To be fair, I don't either.

We use the ovulation app,

we time it right,

it's one time.

Babe, would you be
okay with that?

Um...

If I have to be okay with this,
she's got to be okay.

Why is that?

Yeah, I don't follow
your logic.

Okay, well, you're the one being
penetrated, he is the penetrator...

Right, and I have
to picture that.

Right. And I'm saying that's less upsetting
to picture than what I have to picture.

How so?

Penetrating something is innately
less violating than being penetrated,

that's by definition.
I mean, right...

I mean,

it's one time,

we're all friends, I'm secure.

Let's play this out.

It would have to be clinical.

Yeah, like a medical procedure.

We'd have ground rules.

Jeff, she's your wife,
I don't want this to be weird afterwards.

Yeah.

Okay, maybe I'm making
too big of a deal about it.

Okay, so one time,

it's for a good cause.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

I feel like we got
to talk about position.

Position?

Yeah. I mean...

It's got to be missionary.

What, are we gonna kiss?

I think it should be spooning,
no eye contact.

It's just procedural, right?

We'd both be relaxed.

Spooning?

No, that's like 90 degrees away
from doggy style, uh-uh.

Well it's my body.

It's whatever she wants.

Fine, Jeff, if you want us
to do missionary, we'll do that.

I have an idea.

I'll monitor it.

I'll be in the room
while it's happening

so no one feels like
anyone's cheating

and I'd feel more comfortable
if I was there anyway

just to know
how it happened.

Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Me too.

Yeah.

Fine.

Okay.

So, location?

We don't want anyone's bedroom
to be tainted.

Hotel.

Yes, hotel room.

I got Starwood points.

Okay.

So hotel room, missionary,
Taylor monitors.

We good with all that?

As good as I'm ever
gonna be on it.

Me too.

Jeff?

Okay, why am I
the only one left out?

Look, if Taylor is there and
you're there and Don's there,

what am I gonna do,
sit in the hallway and twiddle my thumbs?

I feel like I should be there.

- Wait, you want to watch?
- No, I don't want to watch, per se. I just...

Look, I can be in the room
and I can be looking at Taylor

while Taylor's looking at you.

I just feel like if I'm the only
one not there it's gonna be weirder.

- Alright.
- Okay.

Okay.

Alright, stroller, stroller.

Okay.

Stroller High-roller.

I can't do it.

Oh, God.

You can't do it 'cause
you're weak.

Are you lacking games?

Do you want a supplement
made just for men

that has all the nutrients you need
to boost your Hercules hormones

and turn you
into a muscle machine?

You're buff.

Having trouble trying
to tough it out? Buff It Out!

- Hi there. I'm Kimberly Kane.
- Here we go.

Otherwise known
as Stroller High-roller.

Now today we are gonna look at
bargain strollers in the 1500...

- I like that.
- ...to 2000 dollars.

- If you know.
- Damn.

- Yeah.
- If you're not on your hands and knees getting dirty,

you're not on vacation.

I love that.

I love that. I love that.

Listen, man, I got to tell you, I'm just
so excited to get this new teammate.

We've been thinking about all
the good that we've been doing...

- Fully impressing, man.
- Oh, man. You're legendary, seriously. Yeah.

Well, thanks.

Jeff, get over here.

Hey everyone.

Zeke, you remember Jeff Penaras?
He's our chief executive of new orders.

Nope.

That's cool. Nice to meet you.

Keep those new orders rolling in and I'll keep
supply coming to you, you know what I mean?

Yeah, sounds good, yeah.

Hopefully one day I can join you out
there, get some sun, see the fields.

You might need to change
for that though.

Of course. Yeah.

I'll teach you about, you know, the ins
and outs of irrigation and soil sampling.

- How about that?
- Okay. Great.

Well, look, I wanted you to at least re-meet
the man of your dreams while he's here.

- Oh, thank you.
- How's that?

Jeff actually told me that he
wanted to start working here

after he saw the photo of you
in the brochure.

- It's...
- Is that true, Jeff?

I mean you just looked so happy
out there in the fields, um...

It was a great selling point.
So, thank you for that.

Anyway, probably you should get back to your
desk, you probably have a lot of stuff.

Yeah, yeah I got... I got to go.
Lot of new orders. It's nice to meet you.

- Nice to re-meet you.
- He's a good guy.

It sounds like you're having some
apprehension about this plan.

You like the end
but not the means.

Events themselves have only
the meaning we assign them.

So if, let's say, a man put his finger
in your ass and fondled your balls,

I mean you
could see that as a weird thing.

But if that man was your doctor giving
you a testicular and prostate checkup,

it would be totally normal.

You have just
framed it differently.

Now, I want you to try to reframe
your thoughts about what would happen.

Well, how I do even start?
I just keep picturing them thrusting.

Yeah, okay, but think
about the end.

- And then more thrusting.
- Right, I got it.

- And then she's looking at him thrusting.
- Uh, okay.

- He's looking at her thrusting.
- Very specific imagery.

- It's a lot of thrusting.
- Okay, but think about the end.

What's the end?

A compromise.

Sarah's happy.

I'm happy.

And we have a life we enjoy.

Okay, good, good.

I want you
to close your eyes.

Go ahead.

Close them.

I want you to picture,
just the gut,

what a day would be like,

a week, a month,
a couple of years.

You're such a good kid.

- We love you so much.
- Yeah. Good night.

Good night.

- Night, buddy.
- Night.

I am having such a great time.

Yeah, me too. It's nice having
so much free time.

Time.

Time.

Time.

Time, Jeff.

We've reached
the end of our time.

- Can we pick up there next week?
- Yeah.

Okay, great.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, it's just nerves.

If you're having second thoughts, you
know, we could still change our minds.

No, we thought this through.
It all makes logical sense.

I mean...

I had second thoughts before our wedding
and then it all turned out fine, right?

So far.

Okay, so...

Looking at them.

That will work.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm...

Yeah.

I'm just gonna get
some breath mints.

You're not gonna wear a shirt?

I don't want to sweat on her.

Mm.

Baby, I love you.

He's got a lot of muscles.

Yeah.

They're sugar-free.

So I just...

- I just think before we...
- I...

I think we should just dive right
in, skip any awkward conversation

and just get down
to business.

- We agree.
- Full steam ahead.

- Okay.
- Can you just do... do it under here?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, of course... Of course.
- Yeah.

- Okay. Let me just put my leg here.
- Yeah, yeah, get it.

Okay. Ooh, ooh, my...-

- Alright.
- Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

- I'm gonna just go...
- Yep.

Did they start?

No.

I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hey... hey guys, I'm... I'm feeling...
I'm just... I'm feeling nervous.

Whoa, whoa. We didn't talk about
performance-enhancing drugs.

Well, it's either this or my husband
in between your wife's legs for longer.

Thanks, babe.

I got these from a friend.

- Oh, it's not yours?
- No, no, no, no, I just...

Sure.

Okay.

- Let me... I'm just gonna get off...
- Yeah.

- It's probably gonna take a minute.
- Mm-hm.

Okay. We're just gonna take
a breather now, guys.

- Alright.
- Okay.

I'm ready.

- You? Yeah?
- Yeah.

Alright.

He's ready.

Great.

- Okay.
- Alright.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Alright.
- Okay.

I'm gonna go for it.

- Uh, wait.
- What... what's the matter? What's matter?

I'm really nervous too. I...
I think I need some help.

- What are they doing?
- Just talking.

- Jeff.
- Yeah?

Can you get the thing
in my purse?

What thing?

There's a bottle
in the front pocket.

Okay, I didn't know you're gonna
bring this but...

I'm not going
in there. Please.

Please.

Alright, I think it's
expired but...

- These things don't expire.
- Thanks, babe.

- Oh, just there.
- Yeah.

- You want...
- Yeah, no, I'll do it.

- Okay.
- Turn around.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course,
of course, I'm not looking.

Ah, it's too much.

- Oh.
- Ah...

- Can I...
- Yeah, just wipe it off.

Yeah.

- Are you good?
- Oh, crap. Yeah.

Okay, good to go.

Great.

- I'm just gonna go for it.
- Mh-hm.

Whoa!

- Whoa? What does that mean?
- Shhh.

She said "Whoa."

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Okay. You just... you let... you tell me if...
- Totally fine.

- This is kind of weird looking at you like this.
- It's weird. This is weird.

Just your right,
my left, okay.

- I'm on the left, my right. We'll turn this way.
- Um, I'll turn this way.

- You turn that way, okay.
- Yeah, okay, cool.

Are you good? Okay.

- I slept really weird, can we change?
- Switch it?

- Yeah. Switch my neck.
- Cool. Okay.

Hear a creak in my neck.

Oh, yeah.

So let me know if it's...
if it gets uncomfortable,

- if there's...
- I'm fine.

- Okay.
- Yeah, I'm fine. Just...

Are they almost done?

No.

Fourteen dollars
for gummy worms.

Oh, mirror, mirror.

Bad angle.
We should have checked it.

Taylor is gonna come in there
and cover it up, okay?

Oh, he can see us.

- Oh, okay, I'm gonna...
- Yeah, pause it.

Yeah, we're stopping.

Okay, coming in
with the towel. One second.

- Okay.
- Thanks, babe.

Let me see.

- Is that better?
- That's better.

- Okay, resume.
- Okay.

Okay, okay.

I think... I think I can do it.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

Can I go a little harder? I just need
to go a little harder and it would help.

- Yeah, just go harder.
- Okay.

Hey... hey Jeff, can I go
a little harder, bud?

What?

Harder. Can I go harder?

You're gonna have to ask Sarah.

Yeah, I'm fine with it.

I'm good with it too then.

It's fine, it's... it's still
pretty clinical, Jeff.

Yeah.

You can go harder.

- Are you almost...
- Yeah. Shh. Just...

Sorry.

- Gummy worms?
- No.

Fuck.

Heads up.

Guys, my arms are
getting tired.

His arms are getting tired?

He wants her to go on top.

Babe, can't we just do it, guys? It'll be
much quicker if we can just switch positions.

Maybe you should've done
a couple more push-ups.

Alright, just go ahead.

Oh, oh, God.

Oh, God.

- Is that okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.

Okay.

Alright.

Is this okay? This is
how you like it, right?

Ugh.

Fuck.

Guys, guys, I'm sorry it's...
it's not working. It's just not working.

God damn it. You never have
this much stamina with me.

Just I'm... I'm under a lot of
pressure right now, okay? I just...

I mean you always
come quick when...

Come quick when what?
When what?

- From behind.
- No, he does not.

- Yeah. Yup.
- No, he does not do that.

It's the only
way he finishes.

Can we just get this over with?

- Well then.
- Okay.

- Oh, God.
- It'll help, Jeff.

I just want you to remember
this was your idea.

This was the both of us.

Fine, I came up with it.

It was a terrible idea.

Still fairly clinical, Jeff.

Guys, I... I need
her to talk dirty.

Absolutely not.

You want me to finish, right?

Let's do this.

We got to do what's best
for the baby, Jeff.

- Ooh.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, do it.

Oh, that feels so good.

Mm-hm.
Is this... is this working?

- Coach her, babe.
- Taylor, I need some help.

Call him... oh, God...

- Walk her through it, Taylor.
- I don't know what to say.

Just tell him
his forearms are tiny.

Your forearms are tiny.

Like a... like a little T-Rex.

- What?
- Say exactly what I just said.

You're like a little T-Rex.

You have to mean it.
You have to mean it.

You're at baby T-Rex.
You have no forearms.

I'm a little T-Rex baby, yeah.

Who's my little dinosaur?

- I'm your little dinosaur.
- Who's my little dinosaur?

- You're a little baby dinosaur.
- Baby dinosaur.

- Yeah, got baby arms.
- You got little baby arms.

You're little, you're Don Small.

- Sing it. "Playground."
- How does the song go? What's the song, Taylor?

Fuck.

- I'm not gonna be able to unhear this.
- ♪ Don is small ♪

Don...
♪ Don is small Don is small ♪

- ♪ Push him on the ground ♪
- ♪ Push him on the ground ♪

- ♪ Won't even hear him fall ♪
- ♪ Won't even hear him fall ♪

Lot of syllables.

- ♪ Don is small ♪
- Small.

- ♪ Don is small ♪
- Oh yeah.

♪ Push him on the ground ♪

- Is it too late to stop?
- Can't stop now.

- ♪ Don is small ♪
- Oh, God.

- ♪ Push him on the ground ♪
- Oh, no. No. No.

Please make him stop.
Please make him stop.

No, no, no, no, no. No!

Hmm, I can tell it's still
very painful for you.

It's not getting any better.

Well, it's only been
a couple of weeks.

What I want you to do is ask yourself
what it is that you're actually feeling.

Anger? Jealousy? Inferiority?

Yeah.

All of those?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, okay, that's a lot.

I've been having these thoughts
lately about getting even.

Revenge is a natural impulse
when we feel hurt.

It's...

It's so dumb I just...

Look, I know
I asked for this, right?

But what do you think? I mean do you
think this was just a stupid idea?

Well, what I'm hearing is that
you thought it was a good one.

Please tell me
your professional opinion.

- I want to go back to our exercise.
- Can you tell me?

- I want to go back to our exercise.
- Can you just say yes or no?

- And you... Okay.
- Bad? Good.

I get what you want me to say,
but I want to go back to our exercise,

the one where you work
on reframing.

Have you been trying it?

No.

You haven't?

That was your homework, Jeff.

Okay. Well, let's continue.

He's sitting here in dirty diapers.
Why I'm always taking care of you?

This is... why did... what?

I told you...

Who is holding
the baby right now?

- That was so long ago and she was standing there.
- Okay. Yeah.

- Shhh.
- I did try to...

You're 45 minutes
late. We're a bit...

So we're a little
late. I'm gonna take...

Hey, whoa, whoa. There's
a baby in here.

Oh!

Hey, what are you doing?

Sarah!

Hey, you going out?

I hate you!

Alright.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Be safe.

Shh.

Hey.

What?

What are you doing in here?

Should I split it?
And I don't even know whose it is.

Daddy.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop.

We're gonna have
to stop there, Jeff.

Felix, Ace, Guy, Nathan,
Rong, Ron.

Ron? No, no, no, that's like he's coming
out of the womb with a law degree.

Casper, Jock, Frank,
Craig. Craig?

- No.
- No.

That... that's your ex's name.

Okay. Well, if we're gonna follow
that rule, then no Lindsleys.

We were never exclusive.

Okay guys, maybe we'd just table the conversation
until we find out if she's actually pregnant.

Well, we have time now, why don't
we just nail down a couple for each?

But we're on the eighteen
hundredth most popular baby name

and we've agreed on exactly
none of them.

Do I have a Small-Penaras?

It's actually Penaras-Small.

Okay, you the biological father?

No, but... but we're
all the parents.

Okay.

Well, this is the genetic screening, so I'm
just gonna need the ones that, you know.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Alright, have fun.

Should we keep going
through names?

Yeah. I mean it's
only fair, right?

Yeah.

Let's filter it by boy names.

River, Caleb, Harper, Tucker,
Caden. I like Caden.

Caden sounds like he's
in a baby fraternity.

Alright. Jason, Stanley,
Harold, Scott.

- Scott.
- Come on, that's so boring, just like one syllable.

Scott.

Scott. Scott.

Okay, when you'd say it like that.
Most people would just say Scott.

August, Kyle, Brennan, Kaden,
different spelling, Zach, Mitch.

Zach. How about Zach?

Zach. Zach.

You're doing the same thing.

- Well, should we switch to girls?
- Yeah, fine.

You know, to be honest, the only
name I've ever really liked is Neha.

- It was my grandma's name.
- I like that.

- Should I add it to the list?
- Yeah.

Alright. There's also Sloan, Mason,
and Candice, Fiona. Fiona, I like that.

Yeah. I actually love that.

God, this is so much easier
with two people. Alright.

Hey.

Do you think we should talk
about what happened in the hotel?

Hey, we got it.

- Fiona.
- No.

- No. Terrible.
- No, no.

Hey.

- Did I miss the parking lot?
- A little bit.

If I had known we're meeting on
site, I wouldn't have worn a suit.

You remember that deal memo I
had you sign ten years ago?

Vaguely. I think I remember
reading about salary benefits.

Section B2A, it's all about
electronic communications

and we flag any time somebody
sends out a resume.

Like Jeff resume dot PDF.

You want to leave us, Jeff?

No, no.

Okay, here's the thing.

An old buddy of mine said he had
a great opportunity for me

so I met with him but it
turned out to not be that.

- Alright, you said you wanted to be outdoors, right?
- I do. I do, yeah.

Well, what if this was
your new office?

Yeah, like all of this.

Four days a week.

What do you think?

Yeah.

Sarah?

Hey, you upstairs?

I have some good news.

Hey, Sarah. Sarah.

Sarah?

Hello.

Is it...

Wait, already? That was fast.

Wait.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Well, you are gonna
be a parent.

Right.

I'm gonna be a parent.

With you.

- We're gonna be parents.
- We're gonna be parents.

- We're gonna be parents. We're gonna be parents.
- Yeah.

Oh my God.

- You're gonna be a mom. You're gonna be a mom.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna be a dad. Okay.
We got... we got to call them.

Can we wait till tomorrow
to tell them?

Let's just spend the night,
pretend like it's ours.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- We got to talk about position.
- Position?

It's got to be
missionary.

Fine, Jeff, if you want us
to do missionary, we'll do that.

Come on.

Aahhh!

- Okay, okay.
- Sorry.

It's fine, it's fine.
It's all good. It's cool.

At least we don't have
to do it again.

Guys, a toast.

Here's to two couples, one baby
and no regrets.

Cheers!

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

Argh, not again.

Why don't you go
find a man and get a life?

I'm pregnant.

We'd like to split it.

No, with them.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey guys.

- Hi.
- You okay?

- How are you doing?
- It's moving a little slow today.

- You okay? Careful.
- Yeah.

How's my little baby?

Alright, come on in.

Just watch your head.

Yeah, no, just like... I tweaked my
back in the gym, so just give me a sec.

- Yeah.
- You seriously can't push this more?

That's... I think... this is
as far... as far as it goes.

That's as far as it goes.
Sorry, bud. I know.

Just watch my neck.
Watch my neck.

- You good? Hey, Taylor.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- If you can push your seat up, that'd be good.

Yeah.

- Yeah, just a little more.
- Alright.

That's good.

- Okay.
- Can you keep it there?

- It's a little intense there for me.
- Okay.

Little... little much.

- If I come this way...
- How is that? Is that okay?

Okay, alright.

We all set?

Okay, it's... it's normally not
gonna be all of us, so.

Maybe consider getting a new car
though for when the kid comes.

I'm not getting a new car.

All that has to fit back there is
one baby seat and a diaper bag, so.

Alright.

- How does that feel?
- Ooh. That was fast.

Alright.

Well, looks like I got a bit
of new information for you.

You know the sex?

It's a girl, isn't it?

I just have this gut
feeling it's a girl.

- I'm thinking it's a boy.
- He wants a boy in a proud donor kind of way.

Just tell us.
Is it a boy or a girl?

Well, it's too early
to tell the sex.

But if you look closely,
it's a little heartbeat.

Right there.

And if you go back a little
further, there's a second one.

It's twins.

Twins. Twins are the best.

Wait, that can't be right. You said
twins were likely if we did in vitro.

Uh, more likely, yes.

But I didn't say impossible.

This just happened naturally.

- God's will.
- Okay, don't bring God into this, no.

I can't believe this. From... from out of
nowhere two future humans in my wife's stomach.

Uterus.

One percent chance
and it happens to us.

It's actually closer
to three percent.

I'm sorry,
did you say us as in...

Are you planning on parenting
these children together?

Don't judge us, Palmer,
and you of all people.

Woah. What... what... what's
that supposed to mean?

You pretend to be
this nice family guy,

but I just saw you swiping
Tinder in the men's room.

Is that true?

No, no, no, no,

I wasn't swiping,

I was messaging Amandda,

it's two Ds.

We might
go out for drinks later.

Wow.

How does your wife
feel about that?

My wife?

Yeah, the woman in the pictures with
your children, or did you forget?

Oh, I never technically said
that was my wife.

That's my sister.

And those are
my nephews and nieces.

Wait, wait, your...
your sister is your wife?

- No, no, I don't have kids.
- Wait, you don't have kids?

I... I've seen
what they do to couples.

I borrow hers every few weekends,
in doses they are great.

I told you
a male gyno is creepy.

We gotta tell Taylor
about the two-for-one special.

She's the fourth parent
in this arrangement.

Well, I think we know
what needs to be done.

Sell one of them?

No, God, no.

Good. good. Then we're
on the same page.

Guys, it's fine, they're twins.

We'll just split them up
and we each take one baby.

Split them up?

They are siblings.

We're all gonna end up on the
Jerry Springer Show in ten years.

You're actually
showing your age a bit.

It's not the Jerry Springer Show
anymore, it's Steve Wilkos.

- Steve who?
- The bodyguard.

He has his own show now.

Okay, guys, why are we talking
about Steve Wilkos?

'Cause your wife is
twelve years old.

Well, at least
I'm not geriatric.

- Ouch.
- Come on, come on, let's all just settle down.

Let's go across the street,
we'll get some protein,

we'll finish this conversation
like adults. I'm starving.

You're starving?
I'm eating for three.

If I can wait, you can wait.

And I am not talking about the future
of our children in a Panera Bread.

Hey, stop. Everybody stop.

I got it.

We're not gonna split
them up, that's immoral.

Thank you.

And also if we each have one to ourselves,
what was the point of all of this?

We just cut in
another couple.

So instead of a half share,
we each have a one-third share and a baby.

Well, babies.

Yeah, Don, your math is wrong.

So it's two babies being shared
by three couples.

So each couple has a third of
two, so two-third share of a baby.

But he said each of us. Three
couples, that's six people.

Okay, you're right. So divided by
two, that's one-third each, okay?

Hey, reframed that way,
that's an improvement, right?

Three couples, two babies,
one perfect plan.

I'm just gonna put this out there.
We're covering art, math, science, right?

And they're
covering dance and sports.

We want the most well-rounded
baby, right?

Tolerant, empathetic...

Well-dressed.

Hey, Evan and Dale?

- That's us.
- Please call me Nate.

- Great.
- Beautiful home.

- Oh, it's not mine.
- Hey. I'm Don.

- Hi.
- It's my wife Taylor.

Hi.

Well, we... we love kids.

My cousin takes a trip
every summer

to visit his wife's family
in Vietnam and we take the kids.

It's an absolute joy.

And after last summer, well,

we knew we wanted our own and
started looking into adoption.

It would be our life's joy
to raise your children.

I assume the agency explained the
arrangement that we're looking for?

Yeah, we're not looking for the two of
you to raise the children on your own.

They said that you were open
to an unconventional situation.

Yeah, so we didn't think that there
would be an issue with us being two dads.

- I... I mean we should probably go.
- No, no, no, no, that's...

That's not it at all.
This is actually our preference.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- Great.
- Yeah.

- It's not that we need to be open to unconventional.
- Yeah.

It's a bit more
complicated than that.

Go on.

- We really think you're perfect.
- Can't you give us an answer now?

- Uh...
- We'll think about it.

- Yeah.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.

Well, call us, email
or text, we're around.

No.

You don't want this?

- No.
- No.

- Um... No.
- Um... No.

- So yes, right?
- Yes?

- I mean maybe?
- Maybe?

We actually have
to go. We got a dog.

- The dogs.
- Dogs. The dogs.

- Yeah.
- Well, thanks for considering us.

We're looking for something
a little more...

Traditional.

So we've decided against the
timeshare fractional parenthood plan.

Oh, that's good.

Two of you will
make fine parents.

I'm sure you can figure something
out for donor visitations.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

We're not taking both,
we're splitting them up one baby each.

I mean it's not what we wanted but I
agree it's better than trading off twins.

I just want a baby.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well,

anyone like
to take a guess what that is?

Another heart?

It's a penis.

We got a boy. Okay.

And a girl.

- And a girl.
- Fraternal twins.

There you go. You can go clean yourself up.
Let's get up.

We'll...
we'll help her out.

- Okay. Good.
- Yeah.

- How is that? Comfortable?
- Yeah.

Awesome. Okay. Well.

Since Sarah's creating them we
probably get first dibs.

Oh yeah, he's got a point.

- Sorry Don. I think we get the... boy.
- Girl.

What? No. I'm pushing this baby
out of my vagina, I want the girl.

- I just assumed, I didn't know...
- Of course you assume.

- As you assumed. You said girl.
- It's a total bias.

But you wanted the girl.
How was that not a bias?

This is... since this is my sperm that
created them, I'll make this easy for you.

- We'll take the boy.
- What, how does that make it easy? I want the girl.

It's you guys
that want the boy.

- We want a boy.
- We?

Yeah, we want a boy. We've
always talked... yes, we tried.

- I said I wanted a girl...
- And how was that any different?

I've always wanted a boy.

Look at us, we can't even agree
within a couple, we're fucked.

Why don't you flip a coin?

We're not flipping a coin.

This is a child. Our actions are gonna
determine the course of their entire life.

It's either monkey balls or a
midget with a prolapsed rectum.

I'm gonna go with the midget.

That's ten. Yes.

Hold on. She... she has
nine, it's win by two.

We didn't say that. We said the first person
to get ten black cards wins. That's me.

- Win by two is pretty standard.
- Yeah, let's do a tiebreaker.

No, no, no, one game, one winner,
that person gets the pick of the litter.

I guess I'm just gonna let
you figure this one out.

- Are you giving up?
- No, I'm just going to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

- What are we gonna do?
- Let's do another round.

When she gets back, we're
gonna do another round.

- Like that?
- Who says win by two? This isn't basketball.

But we... it's like
the national rules.

- That's fine.
- Hey, what's wrong?

Hey, what's the matter?

I'm pregnant.

- What?
- What?

- No.
- No. The egg situation, you can't be.

No, Don, I... I wasn't ready.
I mean I'm only 27.

So what, you lied
about the egg test?

No, I never took the test.

I just heard that Sarah did and
I just figured that, you know,

when I turned 30, I would tell you
that I retook the test and had eggs

and it would have been fine.
You... you wouldn't have known.

Wait, wait, wait, but how... how
could you be pregnant though?

- Dude, she just told you.
- No, no. No.

We haven't had sex since
everything happened between us.

Taylor has been disinterested
in that department.

Hey, um...

Taylor and I need
to tell you something.

We slept together.

- What?
- One time.

Just once.

Did you get confused about the
plan or something? What the fuck?

You're having an affair?

- No. No, no, no, it's nothing like that.
- No.

- Not at all.
- No, it's nothing like that.

Well, we both had these feelings
of jealousy and... and resentment.

- Yes, resentment, jealousy.
- Because of what we saw.

Okay, okay.

Oh, God, I feel... I feel...
I feel so sick.

Okay, we slept on it and we
talked to our therapist and...

Your therapist
signed off on this?

Well, no, not exactly, but we
talked about it

and we decided that if we slept
together one time,

it would even things out and
the resentment would go away.

Did it work?

Yeah, pretty much.

- It did. It did.
- Yeah.

- To be honest, we didn't even really enjoy that much. I mean...
- Please.

I mean it was... it was awkward
and sweaty and strange.

- It wasn't great.
- I mean I... I barely felt it, if that means anything.

Okay, that's enough.

- I didn't.
- Hold on. Hold on.

You had unprotected sex?

No, no, I used a condom.
I'm positive. Right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Which ones?

- What?
- Which condoms did you use?

- I took the ones out of the nightstand.
- Oh, God.

What?

I need to tell you something.

I may have taken matters
into my own hands

with those
a few months ago.

You sabotaged my condoms?

Oh my God. Oh my God.

You left me no choice!

I left you no choice?

Three kids, two couples,
one failed fucking plan.

This is pretty much
the worst of all worlds.

Am I the only one that doesn't
have a secret around here?

Possibly.

See, Jeff? We'd be better off
having our own kid, a full baby,

because we'd be two down
from the current count

and we wouldn't have played
wife-swap fuck me edition.

Okay, okay, let's not freak out just yet. Okay,
it could be a false positive. That happens.

I peed on four sticks.

With our luck
it's fucking twins.

One,

two,

three, we got triplets.

He said triplets, didn't he?

He did say that.
He said triplets.

- Yes, he did.
- Okay.

That's triplets. Wow.

That is...
that is big news for all.

So, whose are these?

Yeah, they're mine.

Jeff, I thought you're
shooting blanks.

No, I lied.

Triplets, how is that
even possible?

Well, it says here that your HCG
levels are extremely high

which can result
in a multiple pregnancy.

You've been taking
fertility drugs?

Never. Never in my life.

Actually, um...

Actually what?

I need to tell you something.

- No, what did you do, Don? What did you do?
- Oh my God.

The supplements.

What? You spiked my smoothies?
Who does that?

- I wanted a kid.
- Well, now you have three.

He has three and you have two.
Oh, God.

The fucking smoothies.

Fucking smoothies.

Just want to confirm,
he definitely said three?

- Yup.
- Okay. Yeah. Good. That's what I heard too.

- You think I can... Okay.
- No.

Well,
you're gonna love it, Jeff.

Here's the title and the keys.

Alright.

This is the worst idea ever.

It's not forever, it's just
sub-leasing so we can afford it again.

They're being nice.
They're letting us stay with them.

Look, it's just that I didn't...
I didn't expect this scenario.

I did not expect
to feel like this.

I didn't plan for my ankles to be
swollen to the size of grapefruits.

I'm fine with you cutting back
in your hours, I get it.

It's just that I can't afford to
take care of us, let alone five kids.

You asked to be demoted.

Can someone shut that rat up?

- Did he just...
- Mm-hmm.

It's okay, baby.

No texting at the table.

It's my mother.

Do it later.

You've got to get
used to device-free meals.

I'm almost done. She's texting to
set a date for the christening.

Christening?

We agreed that we're
gonna raise the child agnostic.

I know.

It doesn't mean anything.

It's just... it's a family
tradition, it'll make my mom happy.

It's non-starter.

You have to find something
else that makes your mom happy.

It's what my father would have
wanted, you heartless asshole.

Okay, your dad wants to support an institution
that supports a bunch of child molesters?

Look, you two stop.

- I should have never fucked your wife.
- But you did.

Taylor, these potatoes are
delicious. What's in them?

It's a family recipe,
the secret ingredient is bacon.

Bacon?

- Mh-hm.
- Here we go.

I'm feeding my unborn
children pig carcass?

Well, it was humanely raised.

I mean I took a moment to thank
the pig for giving us its life, so.

Oh really? He volunteered?

I told you I'm raising
my children vegan,

that includes
while they're in the womb.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, vegan?

We never talked about that.

How's he gonna get protein?

There are plenty of ways
for them to get protein.

But of course a meathead
like you is totally fine

with killing innocent beings
for your own fucking vanity.

What's the time limit
on abortions?

Not proposing it, I'm just
wondering what is the legal on it,

just in case Don
proposes it.

What is wrong with you?

- Stop talking, Jeff.
- Okay.

If you hadn't put a three-pack up in
Taylor, we won't even be in this situation.

- It's my fault.
- Yeah.

- It's always fucking my fault.
- Yeah.

Okay, it's my fault that my
super semen threaded the needle

through a sabotaged condom and did an
individual medley up into your wife's uterus.

- God, that is so gross.
- Stop.

Okay, can we just not
talk about that?

Guys, this isn't working.

- Well, clearly it's not, okay?
- We should break up.

Wait, what?

- No, no, no, no, we should break up with them.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You know what?

It's not working. We shouldn't
be friends anymore.

We're gonna be shitty parents.
This is what we'll do.

We take our babies
once Taylor has them

and you take your babies
once Sarah has them

and then we just
go our separate ways. Deal?

- Perfect. Deal.
- Deal.

- I'm sorry.
- Great.

Your babies?

- These babies inside me are my fucking babies too.
- They are...

They're our babies.
They're our babies.

You just claimed five babies.

Why don't we all just split up,
take one baby each, four single parents.

We could draw straws
for the leftover baby.

Better yet, we can let
that fucking rat raise it.

Don't you talk
about Punky Woofster like that.

- Oh, it hurts.
- Babe, what's the matter?

- Fuck, it hurts.
- Babe.

So, I don't see any heartbeats.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I have been dancing a lot.
Could that have caused it?

Doubtful. Women can exercise well
into their pregnancy without issue.

It's completely normal.

Happens almost fifty
percent of the time,

and it bears no significance
for your next pregnancy.

Take as long as you want.

Can you guys give us a minute?

You know, she's right.

'Cause I went through it too.

It was years ago before Jeff.

I never told him.

I mean, they were here
and now they're not.

You know, my mom told me about this
Buddhist saint for times like this.

The Patron Saint
of Miscarriages?

They believed that a baby who hasn't been
born yet can't go to heaven on their own

since they haven't had time
to accumulate good karma.

But that's
where the saint comes in.

I mean he's
essentially a badass.

He smuggles their souls to
paradise up his fucking sleeves.

I like the way this dude rolls.

What's his name?

Jizo.

Jizo?

Yeah, Jizo. Yeah, I know.
Maybe not the best name.

Is it bad that,

given how they got there,

I feel a little bit relieved?

I'm sorry, babe.

Come on.

Well, it looks like
we're back down to two.

Seems manageable
all of a sudden.

Coming through.

Jeff, heard you wanted to chat.

Yeah, yeah, thanks. Come on in.

- Hey.
- How are you?

Little bummed out.

I got another
speeding ticket today.

It's the third one this month
and it's only the seventh.

- What?
- I know. I usually get three a month, but not that fast.

Not this month.

It's the white Maserati, man.

Yeah. So listen, I know you got a lot...
a lot on your plate. Um...

I've been meaning
to ask you something.

I put some reflection...

You're gonna ask
for your old job back?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got it on your screen mirror right
here, like the whole conversation.

I heard you were
having trouble with that.

Good job on getting it up.

"Financially, things have been tough. We're
expecting twins." You're expecting twins?

That's great.

"Wait for tantrum, probably about his
Maserati." You... you knew I would.

Yeah. And... okay.

I was just getting
to the good stuff.

So what do you think
about the first part?

I filled the position.

- Come on.
- Jeff, I... I gave it away, it's already... it's done.

Right now it's either fields
or the front door.

I'm really sorry, man.

Alright, I got... I gotta go.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Alright? Just...

I love you. Never forget.

Let's go. Go, Don. Go, Don.

- We're ready?
- Everybody in?

Let's go. Go, go, go.

Okay. Yeah, you okay?

- Yeah. Whoo.
- You okay?

It fucking just keeps going
to the answering service.

Okay, just go to C. Jones.
He said he's there at Tuesdays, okay.

Fucker's probably
on another date.

Call again!

- Can you go any faster?
- It's a Previa.

Are you comfortable? Do you
want me to go lower?

It... it was perfect.

It's too...
it's too low, go back, go back.

Too... too... too high. Lower.

- Sorry.
- Higher. Higher.

What is wrong with you?

I've never had one of these.

If you could just take the attitude
down a small notch, that would be great.

Sir, Dr. Young is
on call right now.

No, we need Palmer.

I have no idea why we actually want
him, he's a horrible doctor,

but he's been with us from the
beginning and Sarah wants him.

I'm sorry, he just headed
out for the day.

Headed?

So he... he's still
in the building?

I didn't say that.

Be right back, babe.

- You can't...
- Yeah, I can.

You should go too.

Don't tell me what to do.

I'm gonna leave
'cause I want to.

Oh, you know, he's weird
and the swiping, I don't care,

I want Palmer. Yeah.

- Alright.
- Where is he?

Don went to find him, alright? But
maybe it'd be okay with another doctor.

Hi.

- Yeah, you said this.
- He's looking for him.

You already said this.
I want Palmer!

Can you get Palmer?

I'll see what I can do.

Yeah.

Alright, let's do this.

You came back.

These kids better turn out amazing because
you should see the date I just cancelled.

Just do your fucking job
because this hurts.

Okay.

- Jesus.
- Is that her?

Yeah.

Do you think she's okay?

Are you guys the other parents?

Yeah.

First one is out. It's a boy.
And mom's doing great. Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Babe, we are parents.

Fucking parents.

Alright, good job, Sarah.

We got one down, two to go.

- What?
- Two?

Just kidding. One.

- Fucking asshole.
- It's not funny.

Okay.

- Alright.
- You're gonna be fine.

- Ready for more?
- No.

- You got this.
- I can't do it. I can't do it.

You can do it. You can do it.

We're doing it.
We're doing it.

Okay.

Why are they...
Why are they...

- Baby's heart rate is down.
- What is going on?

What... what is she saying?

It looks like they are just getting
everything ready. Everything looks okay. Yeah.

- What if the babies...
- I don't know. I don't know. None of it matters.

Hey, we are here. We are here.

We are getting out, you and I.
It's all that matters.

Here you're doing it
for all of us.

You don't even want a baby.
You wanted half a baby.

I want a full baby with you.

Okay? With you. With you.

- Here we go. You got this.
- Sarah, it's about time.

- You got this.
- No, I can't.

You got this. Yes, you do.
Yes, you do. You can do, okay.

- Okay.
- We're gonna do this on three.

- Yeah.
- You ready? Okay.

One, two, three. Okay.

Jeff.

Hey.

This is them?

Yeah. It's them.

I think he's got your eyes.

Sure.

Jeff, buddy,

go home, get some rest,
you've got newborns, alright? It's okay.

I just want to say thank you
for the... for the un-demotion,

the re-promotion.

Oh my God.

I've been meaning to tell you
I'm terminating your position.

Okay, so while you were
on paternity leave,

we were digging through your hard
drive, part of section B2A,

and we found a lot
of interesting things.

And I didn't know you
were into that stuff.

This is really great.
The composition.

I like the color balance, I like how the
greens are working with the blues here.

So we want it to feel like
it's freshly picked.

We also want to make it feel
like anyone can eat it.

- That's great. Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.

Alright. How's it
going down there?

- Good.
- Good. I'm gonna check real quick how it's lined up.

Yeah. I think
the blueberry trail looks great.

Want to grab some more
carrots for us?

Love the carrot corner.

Cherries are looking great.

- It's nice and fresh. I want to eat it all up.
- This is great!

- For the present.
- Hey, you're in your element.

- Alright, good job.
- Appreciate it.

Alright, team, I think we're
almost ready. What do you think?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Alright. Everyone ready?

- It looks nice. Beautiful. Everyone feel good?
- Yeah.

Let's do it. I'm gonna try one.

Everyone lean back.

Got one. Got one. Awesome, team.

No, no, no, no, please!

I was just... I was... I was just
at the... at the grocery store.

My grandma, she's so sick and I had to...
she loves baguettes, so...

Thank you.

Thank you!

Come on, one more!

You want to look good
in your profile pics or not?

Actually, I deleted
all my profiles.

What, did you meet someone?

Let me guess, 25, actress.

She's 39, single mom.

- Really?
- No, not really.

I told you, man,
I don't want kids.

And I'm not
ashamed about it anymore either.

I even got rid of all those
photos in the office.

The ones of your sister?

Yeah. My patients will just have
to get used to it.

Yeah.

She's 25, actress. She's hot.

That's great. Let's go.
Next set. Come on.

You both can get
some rest now, okay?

See you in a little bit.
I'm gonna miss you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

That's it.
They'll be here soon.

This is gonna be okay, right?

Look, Don and Taylor have been here every day,
they've babysat, they know the routine.

Okay, we're just nervous because this is the
first official trade off. It'll be okay.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Just a week.
- Just a week.

- Just a week.
- Just a week.

Did you figure out what
you're gonna say?

We have something to tell you.

We do too.

We'll go first.

Okay.

So I watched Sarah
go through everything,

and it looked hard
and painful and stressful.

And I never expected this,
but it made me want to experience it too.

So we've been trying.

And I couldn't get pregnant.

Oh, Taylor, we are so sorry.

So we went to the doctor
and my sperm count was low,

like zero, shooting blanks.

Okay. You want me to donate?

No, no, no, no, God, no.

It's completely reversible.

It turns out Buff It Out had way
too much dimethylamine in it,

my testosterone levels
were out of whack but...

but I'm off it,
everything's back to normal.

- That... that's great.
- That's good, yeah.

But here's the thing.

I've been on it for two years.

Yeah, I don't understand.

They're yours, Jeff.

That one time.

- I guess it is possible.
- I told you.

I know.

You got pregnant from pre-cum.

- They are ours. They are ours!
- My God.

- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.

They're pre-cum babies!

Anyways, you guys inspired us
to have our own.

I want to experience the miracle
of pregnancy and childbirth.

But we made a pact with you and...
and we're not about to break that.

Unless you want us to.

You'd be looking at four times
the baby you bargained for.

Well, that's kind of what we
wanted to talk to you about. We...

We don't really want
to share them.

We... we figured.

So, we're out
for the baby split,

but you're totally
welcome to babysit.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Oh my God.

Great. Just great.

Oh, wait, there's one more.

Okay.

That's a good one.

- Okay.
- How cute is that?

Oh, very, very, very cute.

But really, congratulations.

So how's it been coming
with the reframing?

When you picture the whole
process from beginning to end...

Okay.

What do you see?

It's pretty good.

But I think I need to keep
seeing you for now.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Getting a condom.

You got a new box, right?

Yeah.

Are you sure we need one?

We do.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I'm here in downtown Santa Monica at the
now defunct Boob Williams Massage Center

where residents are shocked to find
that CEO Cicero Jones is being arrested

on 17 counts
of alleged sexual assault.

Back to you
in the newsroom.

Sorry, what do they do again?

They have an implant
massage center.

An implant...
that's a terrible idea.