Baby on Board (2009) Movie Script

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# Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh #

# What happens in my head

Stays in my head #

# But sometimes it won't #

# What if you knew

What I was thinking? #

# Would it make you like:

Whoa! #

# I don't wanna risk

Putting my foot in this #

# So I keep my mouth closed #

# All you hear is #

# Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh #

# Gonna button my lips

So the truth don't slip #

# Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh #

# Gotta beep out

What I really wanna shout #

# Whoops! #

# Did I say it out loud?

Did you find out? #

# I wanna have your babies #

# Get serious like crazy #

# I wanna have your babies #

# I see 'em springing up

Like daisies #

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #

# Some of my feelings

Keep escaping #

# So I make it a joke #

# Nonchalant I keep on faking #

# So my heart don't get broke #

# I'm in a big, big, big, big ocean #

# In a tiny little boat #

# I'll only put the idea out there #

# If I know it's gonna float #

# All you hear is #

# Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh #

# Gonna button my lips

So the truth don't slip #

# Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh #

# Gotta beep out

What I really wanna shout #

# Whoops! #

# Did I say it out loud? #

# Did you find out? #

# I wanna have your babies #

# Get serious like crazy #

# I wanna have your babies #

# I see 'em springing up

Like daisies #

# Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh #

# Gonna button my lips

So the truth don't slip #

# Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh #

# Gotta beep out

What I really wanna shout #

# Whoops! #

# Did I say it out loud?

Did you find out? #

# I wanna have your babies #

SYLVIE: Hey!

Sweetie, you give

it back to him now!

MEGHAN:

Okay.

SYLVIE:

Listen. Nope.

SYLVIE:

Give it to him!

Stop it!

Give him the gun! Now!

[Tires screech]

Meghan, you have a million toys!

Give him the gun!

MEGHAN:

Give me it!

RYAN:

No!

SYLVIE: Meghan, sit still so I can

put your sweater on. Stop it!

Stop fighting with your brother!

Come on! Meghan!

Meghan! Stop!

Give your brother the gun!

No!

Hey, Sylvie, are 3-year-olds

supposed to have dart guns?

It's the only thing

that gets him to stop wailing.

You know, I'm so sorry, but Danny

was supposed to pick up the car.

MEGHAN:

Give me it!

Meghan!

MEGHAN: No!

SYLVIE: Give it back to him right now!

MEGHAN:

No!

Do you want Mommy

to put you on medication?

Is that what you want?

Like your friend Jenny?

RYAN: No!

MEGHAN: No!

[Screams]

[Car horns honking]

Danny, stop staring.

- Look at it.

- No.

- Look.

- No.

Just look at it.

[Gasps]

Aren't you supposed to pick up

Sylvie's car today?

Shit.

Yeah.

- All right, Feel Good.

- Some girls would powder my balls.

We'll get out of here.

- Hi, Counselor.

- Oh, Candy!

Who is your gorgeous friend?

You think he's gorgeous,

you ought to see his wife.

Is his wife as understanding

as yours is?

Uh, she's understanding.

Not that understanding.

You a lawyer too?

Yeah, yes.

Danny and I are partners.

Well, Mr. Lawyer.

I'm a relaxation therapist.

So, if you get as stressed

as your friend Danny,

come and see me.

Mmm.

That's so you don't forget me.

Nobody's forgetting you, honey.

What exactly

am I supposed to do with this?

Frame it.

I don't give a shit.

I've got, like, seven of them.

SYLVIE:

Maybe I'll get lucky,

and Danny will have a heart attack

doing arm squats or whatever.

Look, you're gonna

have a great day today.

- Call me when it's over, okay?

- Okay, I will.

Say bye to your Auntie Angela.

ALL:

Bye!

[Dart fires]

Ryan Scott Chambers!

How come old guys got to walk

around the locker room naked?

You cheating on Sylvie?

No!

I paid Candy for her service.

Candy could do a lot better,

you know.

Hey, when we got married,

Sylvie looked like Angela,

I looked like you,

then the kids came along.

We want to have kids eventually.

Nothing wrong with a little

side action now and then.

Oh, well, then,

I guess you wouldn't mind

if Sylvie got "a little side action

now and then."

You be as judgmental as you want.

You're gonna be here one day.

And we'll both be there one day.

That balls?

Incredible.

Do you think he's okay?

Fuck!

ANGELA:

Hello.

Yes, I need you to get the samples

to the conference room in an hour.

Don't even worry about it, Angela.

I'm so on it.

I'm just running a little bit late.

You hung up on me!

Ooh, I love that lipstick.

What is that? Pink Flush?

You can't borrow it.

Wait a minute.

Did I tell you I'm in love?

- No, you're not in love.

- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not.

- Angie, my heart is full.

Oh, my God.

It's a big day for me.

Hey, Angie.

Okay. Who is the lucky lover?

Well, I can't say anything yet,

except that he is everything

a woman would ever want in a man,

except he's gay.

Ms. Black, you still have not

answered my question.

Do you truly believe that you

deserve more of my client's money?

It says explicitly in the contract.

Contract?

How about the contract you signed

when you said "I do"?

I tend to remember an important

clause in that contract,

"for better or for worse."

Does that ring a bell?

Objection!

Speaks to character, Your Honor.

I'll allow it.

He cheated on me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Circumstantial!

There's not one piece

of physical evidence

that proves my client strayed.

What about the text messages?

The photos?

What about that filthy video

on YouTube?

Circumstantial.

Your Honor...

Tread carefully, Counselor.

You never see my client's face

in any of them.

Ms. Black, you still have not

answered my question.

My client has graciously

given you and your children

the family home with an estimated

value of 4 million dollars.

That's 4.5.

4.5 million dollars.

Do you really believe

that you deserve more than that?

He signed a contract.

"He signed the contract."

Does that sound heartfelt,

Your Honor?

Does that sound like someone

who truly believes

that they deserve more money?

- Does that...?

- Objection, Your Honor.

Is my client going to be asked

a question in the foreseeable future?

I have nothing further. I couldn't

have answered it better myself.

No fist-bumping in court.

Nice suit, John.

That tie...

Good morning, Mary!

Okay. For the woman

about to start a family,

we present the allure

of "Baby on Board" perfume

to keep Daddy interested,

the only fragrance especially made

for the pregnant woman in love.

And here is the bottle prototype.

Do you think someone

could possibly pass me the bottle

of this soon-to-be

best-selling scent?

[Belly growls]

I'm sorry.

Nervous stomach.

[Belly squeals]

[Farts]

[Inhales deeply]

What is in this bottle?

Perfume.

For who?

The walking dead?

I'm sorry. It's me.

I just...

I ate something bad.

I have a 4:10 meeting

with the reps from Saks,

and I just hope for your sake

this doesn't cling to me.

For the rest of you, I suggest you

open some windows for ventilation.

Try not to jump out.

I'm sorry.

So? What did they say?

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Honey, did something

crawl up your ass and die?

I blew it!

Yes, yes. "Blew it" are

the operative words, all right.

- I'm sick.

- Oh, God!

No, no, honey. Sick is like,

"Poop, poop!" "Tee-hee!"

Oh, God.

That is demonic.

You are not helping.

The power of Christ compels you!

Raphy, I have to get her

to approve this stuff.

Honey, I know.

She will, okay? She will.

WOMAN: Angela Marks,

are you still there?

Yes, I'm still here.

WOMAN: Mary would like

to see you in her office.

- I'll be right there.

- Jesus! That was fast.

[Chuckles]

Seriously, that was great.

I thought I'd never get out

of that pre-nup.

Honey, come here and meet Curtis.

I told you he'd do it.

This is my ex-wife's cousin.

Worth every penny.

Come on.

Let's go buy a sex swing.

Okay, Uncle Phil.

[Inhales]

- You are amazing.

- Excuse me?

I'm sorry.

My name is Arlene Jenkins.

Everyone says the same thing

about you, "There's none better,"

but I had to see it for myself.

Oh, my. I grew faint just the way

you pounded away at that woman.

What can I do for you, Mrs. Jenkins?

There's a lot you can do to me.

Okay.

It's my husband.

He's a liar.

But I'm sad to say

I see a lot of that.

The son of a bitch

told me he was dying,

and that's the only reason

I married him.

So, he is...?

97.

Oh.

Have you ever had

a 97-year-old man on top of you?

It's like fucking a beanbag chair.

I didn't need to hear that.

We just got his medical report.

Besides the fact that he's on an

oxygen tank, he's healthy as a hog.

He'll probably outlive me.

I'm not sure

what you want me to do.

This is my pre-nup.

I need a way out.

Sure you want to leave with...?

With as much as I can carry.

Ms. Jenkins, I shouldn't be looking

at this material.

- Mr. Marks.

- Curtis.

Curtis.

I need you.

Okay, I will take a look at this,

and my office will be in touch.

Thank you...

...Curtis.

You can sit...

...unless sitting makes

your problem worse.

I'm really sorry about that.

I think I'm okay now.

Is this your family?

- Wow, your daughter is so...

- No. It came with the frame.

92.1% of men prefer to deal

with a woman who has a family.

You know how many men want

to hire a woman that has a family?

8.1%.

Which just proves conclusively

that men are stupid.

Now, speaking of stupid,

for the woman

who is about to start a family,

I should have thrown you

out of that conference room

for suggesting something

so Sesame Street,

but unfortunately I have a board

that I have to answer to,

and they have voted.

You're approved.

Now, listen to me.

Listen to me really good.

You screw this up,

it is your ass on the line.

Now, I expect a budget and marketing

analysis on my desk in one week.

Get out.

- Wow! What's that for?

- I missed you today.

Me too. Guess what?

Tell me, how did it go?

Mary said yes.

- She said yes?

- Yes! She said yes!

Fist-pound.

Angela, I don't believe this.

This is... This is amazing.

You are gonna have

your own perfume line.

I know. I mean,

this is put up or shut up time.

All those years

in college and business school

and then months

slaving away as an intern.

Can you believe this?

Vice-president of one

of the biggest cosmetic companies

in all of the world!

This is huge!

This is my everything!

Everything?

Well, present company excluded.

Mm.

Um, Angela,

since this "Baby on Board" thing

is such a big deal,

maybe you and I should start trying.

Trying?

Trying to make a baby.

You know, lose the condoms.

Ahh...

You okay?

Hmm.

Here we are.

- Why would we want to do that?

- For research.

We'll get you pregnant,

and then you'll know exactly...

Sorry.

Sorry about that.

Here you go.

You're certainly eating a lot.

Before you get mad,

I don't mean that in a fat-people way.

I just mean that you're consuming

more food than usual.

Well, it emptied me out,

and now I got to fill me back up.

Are you listening to me?

No one's listening to you,

you big lush.

[Chuckles]

Look. All I'm saying is

guys like the chase.

You take a guy, he gets married,

and it's like, it's like putting

a wolf in a cage, all right?

Every chick that walks by,

it's like a fresh, tasty rib-eye.

Danny, come on.

Maybe we should

get a breath of fresh air.

What? I'm just trying

to make a point.

And that would be what?

Tell them.

- Me?

- Yeah, you tell them.

Uh, well, we're all aware of the fact

that wealthy men pay for sex.

Oh, we are? Are we?

- I think it's disgusting.

- Good.

Are you having sex with prostitutes?

No.

Wait, Sylvie. Did I tell you

about my meeting today with Mary?

Danny, did I tell you

about the new client that we got?

Look, all I'm saying is

there are some guys out there

who get a little gash on the side,

and they have to pay for it.

It's the only way

they can get it, all right?

And I don't have that problem,

'cause I got the looks,

and I got the money.

I got it all, baby! High-five!

[Laughs]

You know, women are looking

for a lot more in a relationship

than looks and money.

You're so drunk.

I'm not that drunk.

Um, you know what? Why don't we

actually just get out of here?

That makes you feel special?

Going out four nights a week,

getting drunk, paying for sex?

You be my guest.

But why don't we put the shoe

on the other foot, Danny?

Why don't you

raise the kids for a while

while I go out and find every possible

excuse to stay away from the house?

Then you can spend all day

with the carpools, and the play dates,

and the vomit, and the laundry,

and the groceries,

and shoveling the goddamn snow

in the fucking driveway.

Why don't you do all those things,

and then you can pay whoever

the hell you want to fuck you!

Okay.

You think that I don't bust my ass

every goddamn day

for you and those kids, huh?

You want to talk about stress?

Maybe I should go visit

a Korean hand-job parlor

like the rest of the guys

in the office do.

Fuck it.

Can't beat 'em, join 'em.

You know what?

Maybe I will join them.

Honey, nobody wants to fuck you.

Well, wait, Sylvie, um...

Sylvie! Sylvie!

That was awkward.

Oh, baby, baby! Oh, my God!

I'm almost there! Don't stop!

Yeah, I know. Me too.

It's knocking at the door.

- Please let me take the condom off.

- Oh, baby, no!

I can't get pregnant now.

Are you nuts?

Please...

Oh... Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

That, uh, makes it a moot point now.

- Was that good for you?

- Mm-hmm.

Sorry about that.

Baby?

Mm-hmm.

Do you still think that I'm beautiful?

Of course

I think that you're beautiful.

I just lasted three minutes

with two condoms on.

I wish you were a little more fat

or a little more ugly.

I might last a little longer.

Do you think that I've gained weight?

I don't care if you've gained weight.

So you think I'm fat?

I'm in hell.

Baby, I just, I saw Danny and Sylvie

tonight, and I got scared.

Angie, I married you for you.

And if that means

that at some point down the road

you get a little spare tire,

maybe some thunder thighs,

varicose veins, arm fat, triple chin,

I did say

"for better or for worse," right?

But how about we keep it

on the "better" side

for at least a little while?

Well, what if one day

I'm not good enough?

Honey, come on.

You'll always be good enough.

Good night.

I mean, better than good enough.

I mean, fantastic.

Good night, Curtis.

Wonderful...

Marvelous...

DANNY: Oh, yeah!

Let me fuck your titties.

Oh, yeah. Fuck you.

Fucking... Come on!

Come on!

[Gasping]

You're pathetic.

Hey, this is my house.

If I want to knock one out

of the park now and then, I can do it.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Get out.

What?

I want you to move out of this house

before I actually catch you

fucking some whore.

I don't fuck whores.

I'm so tired, Danny.

I'm tired of your staying out

all night, your drinking,

the lipstick on your underpants...

- What lipstick on...?

...cheap perfume.

I want you out of my life!

Fine, then.

Fine, then?

Fine, then. I'll move out.

Fine, then.

Then, move out.

Move out.

This is my house!

If I want to whack off all over

the thread pillows, then I will,

fuck you very much!

[Fart]

[Gagging]

[Heavy metal music plays]

[Disco music plays]

[Heavy metal music plays]

[Disco music plays]

[Heavy metal music plays]

Who is she?

What's her name?

How long has this been going on?

- Hey!

- And why are you leaving me?

Hey! What is...?

What is wrong with you, Angela?

I know!

You know what?

For you, she... I know...

I saw that bitch in the kitchen!

Okay, Angela.

You were dreaming.

It was a dream.

It was your dream.

But not my dream, because I've

been here, right here the whole time,

trying to sleep,

while you've been snoring,

belching, and farting, Angela,

bad, smelly farts.

So you're not cheating on me

with a model chick?

What model chick?

What did she look like?

A little Elle Macpherson action?

- I got your jacket.

- Thank you.

Do you got everything?

CURTIS:

Sure do.

I'm gonna be a little late

tonight, honey,

so don't wait for me for dinner.

I don't think I could

even if I wanted to.

Kick Mary's ass today. I want

to hear all about it when I get back.

Love you, too.

Hey, honey.

Hey!

[Gasps]

I'm so starving!

Angela, no.

No, you made me promise you.

- No more bad food.

- I'm letting you out of the promise.

- You said you'd say that.

- This is the last time.

- You said you'd say that, too.

- Give me a fuckin' bite!

- Here, you can have the fries.

- Thanks.

Angela? Angela!

Mm, talk about choking the chicken.

Anyway, just...

Numbers are looking really good.

Mm, mm, the prelims

are coming in nicely.

We really got to wow

these money people.

Plenty of time

to reach wow status.

Really, I think everything

is gonna be fine.

I think it is gonna be

better than fine,

even though the Japanese

have upped their deadline to June,

I think we'll be fine.

June?

You need wow by June?

No problem.

This is your baby.

Don't fuck it up.

[Cell phone rings]

Mm, mm, mm.

Hello.

Sweetie, you give it

back to him now.

Hey!

Oh, hey. I'm so glad you could come.

Have you eaten?

- Uh, just a little lunch.

- You know what?

You two go over there,

and you shoot each other.

That's right. Go over.

You have my permission.

What's going on?

Well, I just needed to see you.

I'm so tired.

Cock-sucker, piece-of-shit footballs!

You seem tense.

I kicked Danny out last night.

[Gasps] Oh, my God, Sylvie!

What happened?

Yeah, but I probably would have

been okay with it, the cheating,

if he'd had the decency

to at least try to hide it from me.

You really would have been

okay with that?

I'm not stupid!

Danny has always been a wild pig.

I mean, hell, that's what attracted me

to his fat ass in the first place.

And I know I don't look the same.

I know.

I used to be so hot.

- And now I'm just...

- You are hot.

I'm not hot.

I will never be

that skinny ever again.

You... You are skinny.

You are.

I turned around the other day,

and my left tit

knocked over a toaster.

You have great tits.

Your tits are beautiful.

- They're not! They're saggy!

- No, they're not!

And after Ryan,

Jesus Christ, you could have

smuggled Mexicans over the border

in my vagina.

Enormous!

You have a great vagina.

Any man would be lucky

to be in your vagina.

You should see

the way he looks at me.

It is like I stole

something from him.

Of course I'm not okay

with the cheating,

but if that's what it took

to keep him, I would...

But at some point he just...

He just stopped caring.

And I can deal with a lot of things,

but I can't deal with that.

I wish I were a lesbian.

Hold on one second, okay?

Girl, I am not a doctor,

but you have got a bug or something.

So, how is my girl?

Not so hot.

Well, you look pretty hot to me.

What's, uh, what's going on

inside of you?

I can't keep anything down.

Really?

Have you experienced

morning sickness?

No way!

I mean, I threw up this morning,

but it's not morning sickness.

Gas?

What are we talking about?

[Beeping]

Look at this.

Angela...

...you're pregnant.

No way!

Curtis wears protection.

Well, one little guy snuck in,

and it only takes one.

This can't be.

Damn him!

Angela, do you know how many

women who can't get pregnant

would love to be

in your shoes right now?

I can't fit into my shoes.

I have so much going on right now.

This is the wrong time!

Angela, as your friend,

I need to tell you this.

It's never the right time.

I see women in here all day long,

and even when they think they're

not able to handle this, they are.

Hey, you may not think you're ready,

but your body is telling you it is.

You feel better?

No!

Thank you.

Mrs. Jenkins, I've got it.

I bet you do.

Would you say

that your husband treats you well?

He gives me everything I want.

Okay, okay.

Is it good enough?

Oh.

Your pre-nup,

Section 14, Article 3A,

hinges on your standard of living,

which Mr. Jenkins

is obligated to provide.

If he does not,

your pre-nup is null and void.

So, I'm going to ask you again,

Mrs. Jenkins,

is it good enough?

I'm not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant, okay?

I don't want to be pregnant.

I don't feel pregnant.

And you know what?

I'm never having sex again.

He lied to me.

He said that Chucky was covered,

little Chucky with two raincoats.

Yeah, well, I got to go, lady.

Be glad you're not a woman.

Okay. Thank you.

I have never been

so turned on in all of my life.

Mrs. Jenkins! Mrs. Jenkins!

Mm, Mr. Marks!

Oh, Mr. Marks!

Mrs. Jenkins,

Mrs. Jenkins, Mrs. Jenkins.

Please, Mrs. Jenkins.

Mrs. Jenkins, stop it!

Mrs. Jenkins, get off of me!

Come on!

I'm sorry.

You're just so, so devious.

Yes, I... I took two classes

on the subject at Harvard.

I hated them both.

Mrs. Jenkins, please, please,

get my thumb...

You can't do that to my thumb.

Son of a bitch!

He was making out with her

in front of the whole restaurant.

That son of a bitch.

Sylvie?

Yeah?

I'm pregnant.

Son of a bitch.

What do I do?

Oh, honey. I'm gonna

come right over right now.

I'll be right over.

- Hello.

- Oh, I'll call you back. He's here.

You call me right back!

Hi.

Hey.

[Smooch]

Oh, okay.

What's up?

You know what's up.

Really?

You're gonna have to tell me,

because I have no idea what

you're trying to pull me into here.

- It's not a what. It's a who.

- A who? What who?

What who? You who!

That's what, who.

I'm sorry.

I don't speak Dr. Seuss.

Come on, Ang.

What's going on?

Nothing is going on here,

and nothing will go on here.

Okay. Well, then, this fight

that we aren't really having is over.

- No.

- No?

- Stop it!

- Stop what?

Answering with a question.

Angela, something's wrong.

I don't know what it is.

Did something happen

at work today?

- Don't change the subject!

- What subject?

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Angela, that...

That's amazing.

That's... That's wonderful.

It's, it's...

- No, it's not.

- Yes. Angie, Ang.

I know we didn't plan for this,

but we're gonna make it work, okay?

What is wrong with you?

I know plenty of women who

would be jumping for joy right now.

Oh, you know plenty of women?

How many women do you know?

Okay. Angela,

we're gonna be parents.

Let's just calm down

and be happy about this.

Oh, how can I be happy

when the father of my child

isn't who I thought he would be?

She's cheating on you.

Don't be ridiculous.

You said it yourself.

She's hiding something, right?

"The father isn't who I thought

he was." What's that bullshit?

She's probably banging

some 7-foot-tall black brother.

You always use two skins.

You always double-bag it, right?

- Yes.

- All right. Look here.

Look. It says right here,

97% effective.

Now, I'm no math wizard,

but 97 times 2,

that's like, you know,

infinite protection.

I can't believe she would do this.

Don't be a putz.

We see this shit all the time.

This shit paid

for our houses, all right?

Just 'cause it's happening to you...

no different.

Oh, look at that.

Curtis, I'd tear that ass up.

Be like Roberto Duran

on a speed bag

with my nuts flying off her ass,

dah-duh-duh, dah-duh-duh,

dah-duh-duh, dah.

[Door opens, shuts]

[Zipper pulled]

Are you moving in with your whore?

Whose baby is that?

What did you say?

Fuck you, asshole!

Excuse me?

You're the one who cheated here.

Why is this my fault?

Why is everything my fault?

Don't throw this on me.

Take some responsibility.

Don't push this on me.

Get out!

Fine.

Good.

[Cell phone rings]

Tell me what happened.

I'm a mess.

He just stormed out.

Say something.

Statistically, women live five years

longer than men.

Keep going.

Women use their brains

a lot more than men.

[Sobbing] It's not working.

I'm still crying.

There's a handbag sale at Macy's.

[Engine revs, tires screech]

He's gone.

I'm coming over.

What about the kids?

They're fine.

[Cartoon noises]

They're fine.

You know, I'll come to you because

I have to get out of this house.

[Loud rock music plays]

Just look.

Just look and learn.

Oh, this is Curtis, girls.

I'm paying you per the hip thrust.

Shake a leg!

Sit down, my man.

You should have seen Angela's face

when we were arguing.

She was definitely

hiding something,

the way she wasn't saying anything

and kept backing me in a corner,

like I was the one who was cheating.

Oh, yeah. Sylvie used to do

that shit to me all the time.

But you were cheating.

Yeah, yeah, but she was still

very good at it.

Look, I've got these girls

for, like, 19 more minutes.

What do you say we get out of here

and go to the Korean after that, huh?

Korean parlor?

Can't trust women.

Can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Here it comes.

Ooh!

I don't know, Danny.

I still love her.

She's my world, you know.

Yeah, your world

was banging another dude.

Smell her right there.

You wouldn't even know about it

if she didn't get knocked up.

Maybe you should think about that.

- You're right.

- You're right I'm right.

You got screwed.

You're right. I'm done.

No, I, I'm...

With my marriage, I'm done.

Hey, she's sleeping

at your house.

Probably got some jizz monkey

over there right now.

- She wouldn't.

- Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

'Cause you know her so well.

[Whistles]

Mm, look at this.

Hey, honey, I got more cash

back in the boudoir.

[Woman laughs]

Oui, oui!

How are you doing?

I'm... I'm Curtis.

Nice to meet you.

Um...

Um, do you go to school

around here or something?

[Sighs]

Thanks.

What am I supposed to do?

What I did with Danny...

Get him to confess and then

kick his ass out on the street.

Well, I can't do that.

I love him.

And I love Danny,

but, honey, let's face it.

Our husbands are lying

and cheating bastards

who deserve to have their balls

Zip-locked and stored in a freezer.

You and I don't deserve that,

and neither does your baby.

Sweetie, it's not just

about you and Curtis anymore.

Mom, I'm hungry!

Eat your brother.

Yes!

I got to go fix her something.

Do you want some broccoli?

What do you want?

[Exhales deeply]

My baby.

[Laughs]

Hey, Ryan, what's the matter?

I peed.

Of course.

WOMAN: Ah, ah!

[Bed bounces]

DANNY: Oh, even after I've given it

to you, I'm giving it to you.

WOMAN: Mm.

DANNY: Here comes the magic sock!

WOMAN: Oh, please!

DANNY:

Here comes the sock.

Here it comes. Oh!

Uh, really,

I'm, really, I'm okay.

I just got out of a relationship.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

No. I'm sorry. Not you...

[Motor vibrates]

WOMAN:

That was fast.

Whew. Yeah,

it was good for you, huh?

Best two seconds of my life.

Let's go, Delilah!

Thank you, girls.

Ooh! Whoo!

Two hundred bucks

for that piece of ass.

Terrific.

That means it cost $100 a second.

Yeah, just kidding.

I couldn't get it up.

- What? I heard you.

- Faked it.

Every time I looked

at her snatch, I saw Sylvie.

Hey, Danny, do you

really think it's possible

that somebody's

with Angela right now?

Yeah. I do.

[Motor vibrates]

Round 2, buddy.

Whoo!

[Burglar alarm siren wails]

[Dogs barking]

[Siren continues]

[Click, silence]

[Television stations changing]

I'm not leaving.

I'm staying right here in my house.

You want to leave and go stay

at your man's place, feel free.

I'm sure he'd love to have his

whole family under the same roof.

Mature. Real mature.

I'm not leaving.

ANGELA: Great. I'm sure my mom

would really like to talk to you

when she comes over.

- Your mom is coming?

- Yeah. In an hour.

[Door slams]

Hi, Mom!

Don't you "hey, Mom" me!

I want kisses!

Oh, mm, mm, mm.

Oh, my gosh.

It's only been a week.

Oh, my baby, baby girl.

Yeah, a week ago I didn't know

you were giving me a grandchild.

Oh, baby, look at that belly.

Oh, my God!

I remember when you were in me!

- Gross!

- It's nature, sweetie.

Ooh! Feels like a boy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a boy.

It is too soon.

You cannot tell that now.

Angela, I know.

Mothers always know.

So, where's Curtis?

Tea.

It can't be that bad.

Mom, how did you know

when Dad was...?

Was what, dear?

Was cheating on you?

That son of a bitch.

With the baby coming.

Where is he?

He's not here. Just calm down, okay?

Because I want to run this by you.

I just want to make sure

that I'm not crazy.

[Chuckles]

How did you know?

It was little things.

All of a sudden he was

working all kinds of hours,

he was preoccupied with work.

He... Well, you know,

he didn't want to...

Sex?

Mmm...

I didn't know for sure

until I snuck into his office.

Remember that room?

It was always such a mess.

And I looked at the phone bill.

You don't call Suzie Edelstein

14 times in a week

because of her

sparkling conversation.

Ugh.

God, I hated him

for what he did to you.

It's in the past.

Honey, do you really think Curtis is?

Yeah. I do.

[Inhales deeply]

I don't know what I did wrong.

I know I work hard,

but I really try to make him happy.

I blow him, like,

three times a week.

Okay. All right.

Details are not necessary.

I think I have to leave him.

That's a big decision, honey.

Maybe now is not the time.

Well, I promised myself that I would

never sit home and wonder,

and that's what I'm doing.

Well, then, I'll tell you what to do.

Don't leave.

Stand your ground and make Curtis

realize what he's throwing away.

By the time you're done with him,

he'll be begging for forgiveness.

Did you try that with Dad?

No.

But Curtis isn't your father,

and you're not me.

Try to keep this family

from breaking up

before it even has a chance to start.

Tough love!

- Tough love?

- Tough love.

You're gonna want to fold.

You're gonna want to say

something nice and sweet.

Don't.

The second you do,

it's a license for her to gobble other

men's cocks for the rest of your life.

No matter how long.

Even if it takes a year.

A year?

Don't talk to him for a whole year?

He'll fold long before then, honey.

Trust me.

He's not the manly type.

Not manly?

Hey, you're a quarter queer.

We all knew that back in law school.

But this is your opportunity

for greatness, pal.

This is ridiculous.

I'm getting love advice from a man

who just paid $200

to fake-fuck a stripper.

You want to get Angela back or not?

Then do not talk to him.

He's the father of my child!

I know.

That's the only thing that's keeping

me from killing him, sweetie.

[Screams]

For this agreement

to be valid and enforceable,

it must be based

on a full mutual disclosure

of each party's financial status

to the other party... Uh...

[Scoffs]

...of the other...

Mr. Jenkins, I am so sorry.

[Sighs]

[Exhales]

See you, guys, in a little while,

okay? I love you.

- I love you, too.

- Have fun with your daddy, okay?

Hey! Give me some love!

Daddy!

DANNY:

Come here!

Aw!

TEACHER: All right, ladies.

That's it. Breathe.

Very nice.

They're right there.

Right there.

[Mimics breathing]

Hi, baby!

DOCTOR:

There we are.

MR. ROHE:

Counselor Marks?

- It's good to see you.

- Mr. Rohe and, uh...

Oh, she doesn't speak English.

She's Russian.

Mail-order.

You bring them over

for, like, two grand,

and they fuck

like their life depends on it,

because it does.

Um, don't you, uh...

Don't you have to marry them?

Oh, no, no.

All you have to do is say

you're gonna marry them.

Uh, Mr. Rohe,

I have a very busy day.

- What can I do for you?

- Curtis...

What do they say about you?

There's none better.

Well, I need you, buddy.

I need the best.

Okay. Uh... I've already

gotten you out of alimony.

The fucking money pit.

Writing that mortgage check

every month is like a living hell.

I want a motorcycle

and penile implants.

I want out of this.

- What about your wife?

- Ex-wife.

- What about your kids?

- Ex-kids.

I don't think it works that way,

Mr. Rohe.

I see you've been to another lawyer.

A few lawyers.

I admit it, I was trying

to find someone cheaper,

but those guys all turned me down

on moral grounds.

Can you believe that shit,

moral grounds?

That's when I knew if you want

the best, you got to pay for it.

You.

So, what do you say?

[Glass spills]

Oops. I "breaked" the "vater."

Now, remember,

don't start the video conference

until I'm sitting.

Mm-hmm.

You know, Mary is a woman, too.

Kind of.

She might actually understand

that you are with parasite.

Mm-unh.

I'm not losing my job

because Curtis' sperm

didn't know what to do

when they hit rubber.

Listen, you just

have to stop treating Mary

like she's some kind of supervillain.

You were saying?

Hi, Mary!

How's Japan treating you?

Okay, well, you can

just drop the pleasantries.

Am I crazy, or is it just the camera,

or does it look like you put on a few?

It's, um...

It's glandular?

All right.

Let's just take a look.

You didn't get the graphs

that I e-mailed you?

[Cell phone rings]

[Giggles]

Raphy! Raphy! Uh...

Hmm.

These rolly chairs are so fun.

I love them.

Because my back is really...

Doo-dee-doo-doo!

Angela...

Yes.

I think I know what's going on.

You do?

Yes. I think I do, and it is okay.

It is?

Yes, it is.

Believe it or not,

I used to do a lot of drugs.

There was a night back in '89

where I did so much PCP,

I could have choked an antelope.

But I got over it.

I overcame it, and so can you.

You think I'm on drugs?

Nothing to be ashamed of.

The first step is to stand up

and admit that you have a problem.

Mary, I'm sorry.

I can't do this. I'm not on drugs.

I'm...

I'm pregnant.

Unh-unh, Vice-President.

Why don't you just tell your boss

you're pregnant?

- Because she'll fire me.

- Let her!

Then Curtis can sue them

for discrimination.

He might be an asshole,

but he is an excellent lawyer.

How do I look?

Do you want the real answer

or the girlfriend answer?

Um... Girlfriend first

and then real.

You look beautiful.

You can't, can't even tell

you're pregnant. You can't tell.

Okay. Now real.

You look like a fat candy cane.

Shit.

Oh!

I give up.

Nothing fits.

Jesus!

Your head is enormous.

You know, I can't hide it

from my boss anymore.

She's gonna know.

- Ow!

- Hold on to the bench!

You're pulling my hair.

You're pulling my hair!

Ugh!

What does Curtis say?

He hasn't said a word to me.

[Sobbing]

And he probably never will.

Fucking hormones, I tell ya.

Is everything all right?

Yeah. She's pregnant,

and her husband is cheating on her.

You know what?

I think you need to step it up.

Oh, Curtis!

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, I do believe

that two filet mignons

and three scoops of mint chocolate

chip is too much for breakfast.

Are you through

with the food jokes?

No.

Okay. Now I'm through.

Do you think that I look fat

in this dress?

I think you look terrific, Angela.

Better than ever.

[Sighs]

You actually look

like you're getting ready for a...

[Car horn honks]

A date!

Oh.

I got to go.

I have...

I have people that I can call.

I have... I have friends, too.

Doctor Bob?

Oh, come on!

[Engine revs]

Okay. Fine.

Are you sure you're all right

with me drinking wine?

Oh, I don't mind.

You'd be surprised.

It's a common fight

husbands and wives have.

Over wine?

Mm-hmm.

Well, the husband keeps drinking it.

The wife can't.

She takes it as a sign

he won't be changing his life.

Sparks ensue.

Well, that's dumb.

Yeah.

And I could never see you getting

involved in a dumb tug of war.

Angela, I'm here for you.

But this has gotten out of hand.

You love each other.

Just stop with the games.

You're right. I just...

I don't know how we got here.

Tomorrow I'm gonna sit down, and

I'm gonna talk to him like an adult.

What?

Oh, hell!

Oh, bastard!

- Who are those people?

- It's my wife and her lover.

He's trying to make me jealous.

- She's fat!

- She's pregnant!

Isn't that what we're doing?

We are now!

[Exaggerated laughter]

You're so funny!

On three, laugh.

One, two, three.

Come here.

Well, it took you long enough.

I'll tell you a secret.

I thought you might

make a move tonight,

so I shaved it into a "C,"

just in case.

For "Curtis."

Okay, why don't we stop talking?

Come on, Angie.

Hey! Hey!

Stop her!

Yeah. Come on.

CURTIS:

Hey!

Right here. Right here.

Oh, yeah.

Just what's going on here?

If you don't like it, Dr. Bob,

why don't you and Angela leave?

Morris?!

Morris?

My husband!

- That's my bitch, bitch!

- Is this guy serious?

As a heart attack!

Oh!

Curtis!

Morris!

Oh, sweetie, honey, baby pie!

[Laughs]

Thanks, Morris!

Ah!

[Chuckles]

That's gonna hurt more tomorrow.

That's good to know.

You can have the bed if you want,

and I can just go to...

Dr. Bob's?

Go ahead. Be my guest.

Curtis.

How long have you been seeing her?

Again?

You keep turning this around on me.

Don't I get a coma reprieve?

Why don't you just go see your

doctor friend and leave me alone?

Okay. You win.

I can't do this anymore.

Did you step it up?

Is he eating out

of the palm of your hand?

Honey, I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Come on.

Let's go inside.

Raphy! Raphy, Raphy!

Oh, where is she?

Uh, who? Angela?

Oh, I don't know.

She's not in her office?

I thought she was in her office,

because if she's not,

then I don't really know, Mary.

Oh, there she is!

Angela, I really, I really, really

need you to listen to me.

The Japanese love us.

The head of Nakashima Distribution

is going to be here in a few hours.

And I want you to present it to him

and his team.

I thought you already did that.

Angela, I'm thinking

maybe you should take

a little less time

at the refrigerator

and start focusing on your work.

Where's my coffee?

That's his secondary team.

Mr. Nakashima never goes

to the initial first-pitch meeting.

Oh, no. He just flies halfway

around the world to do that.

He's on his way to Hawaii

for the re-enactment of Pearl Harbor,

and he is blessing us

with a few hours of his precious time.

Now, have you taken care

of your glandular problem?

'Cause I've got to tell you something,

the Japanese, they're not

too wowed by fat women.

Uh, don't worry. I'll lose 20 pounds

by the time they get here.

Today, 4:00...

...wow time.

Well, that was some fancy footwork

for a fat woman.

What?

Hello, asshole.

Is Asshole Number Two here?

He's in his room.

What are you?

The gatekeeper now for his fat ass?

How's Angela doing?

She's just fine.

Good.

You look like shit.

I feel worse.

Well, that's a start.

Curtis, why did you

have to go and fuck up

the best thing in your life?

I didn't know I did

until after I did it.

Guess nothing I did

was good enough.

Oh, what you did

was good enough.

It worked. She's gone.

What did you expect?

You just cannot take responsibility,

either of you.

You're just boys.

You're both just boys!

Can't beat 'em, join 'em.

What does that mean?

[Ballgame plays on television]

[Television turns off]

[Screams]

What the fuck is that?

Nothing. You scared me.

Oh, you're making it official now.

It's been months. We either

have to shit or get off the pot.

You look good.

Stop fucking around.

I'm not fucking around.

You look good.

I didn't lose a single pound.

Well, you look pretty.

Where's Curtis?

He said something about

"if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

He said that?

[Dials phone]

Yeah. Something like that.

[Telephone ringing]

What's wrong?

Hey! Voicemail.

- Where are we going?

- Come with me.

- Where are we going?

- Follow me!

Where are you taking me?

- Just look.

- Where are we going?

In a whorehouse.

[Tone chimes]

Okay, let's get started.

Mr. Nakashima and company,

on behalf of my staff and colleagues,

we are more than happy to welcome

you to Chateau Cosmetics.

Ahh! Ahh!

You okay?

[Labored breathing]

Is it the...?

Oh! Jesus! Okay, uh,

we have to get you to a hospital.

Now, Mr. Nakashima, I'm sure

your team has informed you

we've been working

on something very special.

Raphy, in the last nine months,

I've lost my husband,

my dignity, and my life.

I'm not losing this project.

Extremely special

that is going to take this company

to new heights.

RAPHY: Angela!

I can do it.

MARY: to introduce you

to the woman that's going to...

...Angela Marks.

[Applause]

Don't forget, this is your baby.

First of all, I would like

to welcome you to America.

And secondly, I would like

to thank my boss, Mary Radcliff,

and my valued colleague, Raphy,

for bringing this project to fruition.

Excuse me.

I would like to introduce you

to a revolutionary new concept

in women's fragrances:

Baby on Board.

Wow!

A real Korean hand-job joint.

You really know

how to make a girl feel special.

RECEPTIONIST:

Oh, Mister Danny!

- Oh, is so good to see you again!

- Ay.

Why I not see you in so long?

It's been months, Mr. Danny.

Oh, you have pee-pee disease, mm?

- Oh, you need more Niagara, huh?

- I'll be right back.

Mr. Danny, you don't go...

You're not supposed to go back there!

[Speaking foreign language]

I know exactly how you feel.

MAN #1: Oh, oh, oh.

Ah, ah, ah.

- Huh?

- Sorry.

MAN #2: Ah, I think I'm in love.

Hey, Maureen!

I'm just looking for my, uh...

Dude.

Sorry.

Easy.

- Candy?

- Danny?

Curtis?!

No, no, no, no, no!

Don't roll over.

Don't roll over, whatever you do.

If you roll over right now,

Candy is going to jerk you off,

and that's gonna be the biggest

mistake you could ever make.

Curtis, I know I talked a mean game.

Hell, I played a mean game.

Half the stains on this ceiling

have come from me.

A hand-job's just like jerking off.

It's all the same in the end.

Truthfully, I give myself

a hell of a great hand-job.

But, look, forget about that.

I know I said the only honest

relationship a man can have

is with somebody

he's paying, all right?

But that's not true.

It's bullshit.

Man, your wife's a real pain

in the ass. They all are.

But, fuck, dude, she knows you

better than anyone,

and she still puts up with you.

And that, that's the most

beautiful thing

you're ever gonna have in your life.

And I know

you want to blow that load,

but I'm talking to you

as a friend and a man.

Don't blow that load!

My God. You are so right.

Thank you, mysterious stranger.

Okay, thank you.

All right. Thank you.

That was beautiful, man.

Just thank you.

Beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful.

[Cheering]

[Screams]

[Men laugh]

[Cheers]

Did you mean all that?

- Yeah, but...

- But what?

It didn't help Curt.

CURTIS: Danny.

Curt?

Danny. That was a real

touching speech, man.

Am I too late?

No, no. I chickened out.

I've been hiding out

in the bathroom the last 40 minutes.

Thank God you're a quarter queer.

- I'm such an idiot.

- Yes, you are.

I really screwed things up.

Me too.

I need to fix this.

You bet your ass

you need to fix this.

I need to fix everything.

I'm sorry.

Hey, sorry.

Can you give me a ride?

As you can see, the 4th Quarter

projections for the U.S. alone

are 14% higher

than Chanel's latest line.

As we move

into publicity and advertising...

[Breathes heavily]

And now, as we move

into publicity and advertising...

[Tires screech]

DANNY: Go get her!

[Cell phone rings]

Angela!

Curtis, she locked me

out of my own house!

I want my magazines,

and I want my swordfish,

and I want you out of here now!

Oh, this is good.

She's gonna call her lawyer now.

Listen, just talk to her

and say some of that fancy lawyer

jargon that I pay you so much for

and make her leave, will you?

Bill, put her on the phone.

Oh, my lawyer

wants to talk to you now.

Oh, really?

'Cause I'd love to talk to him, too.

Here you are.

MS. BLACK: The house?!

He wants the house now?

- How do you sleep at night?

- Ms. Black, please.

This is a crock of shit!

MR. ROHE: Agh!

The law protects assholes like him

instead of punishing him.

- Ms. Black, you are right.

- What?

Tell your lawyer if he's looking

for any frivolous expenses

to look into

your ex-husband's accounts

for any monies

that may have been transferred

into banks based in Russia.

He cannot touch the house.

Why are you telling me this?

Today is your lucky day.

Damn, Counselor, you are fast.

My brother, what's up?

- What the hell?

- Here you are.

Wait.

MR. ROHE:

Wait a minute.

Oh, Curtis.

You, you slimy bastard!

I am gonna hit you

with a lawsuit so huge!

You want to try?

Come and get me.

You'll be spending the rest of your

miserable life in a courthouse

balancing requests for

interrogatories, unnecessary motions.

I will depose every person

you've ever been in contact with

since the beginning of time!

[Cell phone disconnects]

Wow! You've got a great lawyer.

There's none better.

[Tires screech]

Medical Emergency!

Doctor coming through!

Let's go.

And, uh... And, uh...

Just keep it together.

Uh, let me open up

the floor to questions.

Angela! Angela!

- Yah!

- Oh! Oh!

Curtis!

Angela, take me back.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I was a moron.

I was a... I was a stupid moron.

I don't care.

I don't care if that baby isn't mine.

I don't care if you had relations

with your doctor.

I don't care about any of that.

I only care about you.

Oh! Oh!

Is that a good scream

or a bad scream?

What are you trying to say?

I'm having a baby!

You're pregnant?

Of course she's pregnant!

You're pregnant?!

ANGELA: Oh!

Come on. Come on.

She told me

it was a glandular thing.

Angela.

You!

CURTIS: She's mine, Dr. Bob.

If you want her, you're gonna

have to go through me!

This is like Days of our Lives!

DOCTOR: Curtis, I know

this has gotten out of hand.

No. I was stupid to ever let her go.

You can't have her!

I don't want her!

What?

She's always been yours.

Well, then, what are you doing here?

Hey, hey! I called him. I'm sorry.

- Hi, baby.

- Hi.

I know. I think

I'm out of my league, too.

So, you two are a couple?

That... I'm okay with that.

RAPHY: Oh, let's go.

DOCTOR: Okay, okay, okay.

RAPHY: Baby, baby, baby.

CURTIS: Let's go. Here we go.

Fuckin' douchebag doctor...

Oh, hey!

Is it time?

Can't leave! Have to finish!

- We need to get you out of here.

- Angela, listen to the doctor!

Angela!

[Laughter]

Take that back.

Ooh.

Excuse me?

I said, "Take that back."

That woman has been talking to you

for 30 minutes while she is in labor.

You want to talk about tough?

It doesn't get tougher than that.

I don't care about your money.

I don't care

about your Y chromosome.

I don't care about your snarky jokes.

Domo arigato.

Okay, just breathe.

All right. This way, this way.

Ah, your jacket.

What? What?

The whore with the lipstick!

Hold her!

What? What?

The business card!

Oh, her! Her!

Oh, no, no, no.

She wasn't a whore.

She was a relaxation therapist.

That's right.

You slept with her!

No, no, no. I didn't sleep with her.

Danny slept with her. It was Danny.

- You bastard!

- No, no, no, no.

It was a fuckin' hand-job, and it

was after you kicked my ass out!

Oh, I love you, baby!

Oh, Curtis!

Here we go.

Okay.

I'll drive.

[Tires screech]

[Glass crashes]

I hate you!

You did this to me!

I'll grab a wheelchair.

You got her?

Yeah. We're all good.

Just hurry, Doctor! Hurry!

Do your breathing. That's it.

Who was that bitch

at the restaurant?!

What bitch at the restaurant?

Ah!

What'd I miss?

The bitch that you kissed

at the restaurant!

Wow, good timing for me.

She's a client.

Mrs. Jenkins.

She's married?

CURTIS: Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Fuck me in the ass!

DOCTOR BOB: Tourette's.

She's getting a divorce.

She kissed me when I told her

of a way she could

get out of her pre-nup

and screw her husband

out of millions!

We have to split up now.

Can I go with her?

Curtis, a nurse will come

and get you in a minute.

Just let me get her hooked up first.

Are you sure

that it didn't mean anything?

It meant nothing.

It meant as much to me as your kiss

with gay Doctor Bob meant to you.

Thanks a lot.

Really?

Really.

Okay.

I can have this baby now.

I'll be right in.

[Television news

being read indistinctly]

You know, I knew

you wouldn't hurt my little girl.

Thank you, Mom.

But just for the record,

if you did...

Jesus Almighty himself couldn't

protect you or your genitalia from me.

NEWS ANNOUNCER: And finally,

here in the States,

the Viking Pharmaceutical Company,

makers of Super Viking Prophylactics,

announced today a total recall of

their product Super Viking Condoms

when it was discovered

that a malfunction in the rubber

causes leakage.

The company announced

that everyone using the product

whose sex partners

had become pregnant

may return the unused portion

for a full refund.

Talk about a class-action suit.

Super Vikings?

NURSE: Mr. Marks?

[Screams]

Good, Angie!

Presenting beautifully.

I'm right here, Angela.

I'm right here. How we doing, Doc?

She is doing fine.

Okay, push, Angela.

Push. Push.

Just remember your breathing.

How do you know what to do?

I went to all your Lamaze classes.

I wouldn't have

missed them for the world.

Now, push, Angela.

Push.

[Grunts, screams]

Here he comes.

He...?

CURTIS: Push, Angela.

DOCTOR: Here he comes!

[Baby cries]

Hey.

DOCTOR: Welcome

to the world, little one.

He's perfect!

Nice going, Mom.

Here we go. Here we go.

[Baby coos]

Hey, baby.

I'm your daddy.

Oh, baby. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

You're so beautiful.

Hi!

I hope I'm late.

Oh, what is it?

It's a boy.

Hello, little Mr. Marks.

Hey, wait till you

get to know your parents.

You're gonna love 'em.

Nice work, Bobby.

Thanks.

Where's my grandson?

Let me see him.

Oh! Hi, sweetie!

Hi.

Hello!

He's so handsome.

Oh, look at you!

Look at you!

Oh, my God!

Hello!

Oh, hello, sweet baby.

[Baby grunts]

Oh, I forgot how cute they are

when they first come out.

Curtis, he has your ears.

Mary, those are beautiful flowers.

Please. I expensed it

to Mr. Nakashima's account.

[Chuckles]

Well, um...

...I'm gonna go.

Hospitals aren't really my thing,

but, um, I did want to say,

take as much time as you need.

Your job will be waiting for you

when you're ready.

Are you sure?

Never ask a woman if she's

sure about her vice-president.

Oh, my God.

Thank you, Mary.

[Baby coos]

Wow.

DOCTOR: Okay, everyone.

What say we give the family

a moment alone?

SYLVIE: Love you.

Hey!

Bye, sweetie.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

Just the immediate family

for right now...

I am immediate.

I'm the grandma.

DOCTOR: And what

a lucky little boy he is.

You can come back in a little while.

[Smooches]

Ta-dah!

There are gonna be pregnant women

all over the world craving your scent.

Thank you for everything.

Mm-hmm.

- He's so perfect.

- There's none better.

[Baby coos]

Hi.

He's tired.

It's been a long nine months.

I know how he feels.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[Fart]

Was that you?

I thought that was you.

What have

you been eating, baby?

Aw...

He's got your intestinal tract.

CURTIS: Oh, my God.

MAN: Come on!

OFF-SCREEN VOICE:

All right, time!

OFF-SCREEN VOICE:

Oh, that's low!

Don't move, don't move, don't move.

[Off-screen laughter]

Look at that. Look at that.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, look at that!

You get that butt up in the air,

get those ass cheeks flapping,

your balls will be ricocheting

back and forth

like Hector "Macho" Camacho

fucking in his speed bag...

da-da-duh, da-da-duh,

da-da-duh, da-da-duh, aah!

[Laughs]

I really need you

to listen to me now.

The Japanese love us.

The head of whatever the fuck it is,

what is it?

[Chortles]

The head

of "Nakshma" Distribution...

[Laughs]

Go fuck yourselves.

Are you taking care of your

glandular prob... can't say that word.

Your "glandurer,"

your "glandurer" problem.

[Off-screen laughter]

Are you taking care

of that little "glandurer" problem?

[Both laugh]

How's that "glandurer" problem going?

You taking care of that?

'Cause I got to tell you, the Japanese

aren't real wowed by fat men.

[Laughter]

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Take a bite

again. Yeah, you could do it.

Yeah. Look at me, now.

Dive in. Aargh!

You're gonna be here one day.

[Continuous laughter on set]

Did you ever do that?

No. It was just...

OFF-SCREEN VOICE:

This is over!

You don't have to lick my ass.

Just give me more per diem.

[Off-screen laughter]

DANNY: It's better

when they don't talk.

This is Curtis, girls.

I'm paying you per hip thrust,

so shake a leg.

You know what? I'm so sorry.

I dropped my money.

DANNY: Oh, you did?

You have a great vagina.

I think any man would be lucky

to be in your vagina.

But my boobs. They're just...

[Both laugh]

[Laughs]

You need wow by June?

Hello.

Hello?

[Laughter]

DANNY: Mmm.

Oh, look at that pussy.

OFF-SCREEN VOICE:

And cut! Come on!

That was directing.

DANNY: Don't be a putz.

[Crow cawing]

[Mimics crow cawing]

[Both laugh]

First of all,

I'd like to welcome you to Japan.

I mean, to America.

I'm sorry.

On behalf

of my staff and colleagues,

I would more...

See, now, she put the jinx on it.

Hold on.

CURTIS: I need to fix everything.

- I'm sorry.

- Come here.

Guys, can I get a ride?

No.

Oh!

You broke the first rule of improv!

You really think it's possible

that Angela has somebody

over there right now?

Yeah. I would if I was her.

After I spent an hour

twisting my tits.

[Smooches]

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Cut!

[Laughter on set]

Took classes on the...

What are you doing, Mrs. Jenkins?!

Oh, you like that?

Like that? Want a bite?

No!

[Growls]

What are you...?

Stop it, Mrs. Jenkins!

[Laughter on set]

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Baby on Board (2009) - full transcript