Baby Sitters Jitters (1951) Movie Script

[♪]

[HUMMING]

[BABY COOING]

♪ I got a little bib for you ♪

Easy now. Easy, baby.

Now, let me put

the bibby on.

[CHUCKLES]

Let me put

the bibby on.

Pull the chin in.

Ready.

[ALL]

Hike!

Oh.

[BABY LAUGHING]

Be careful, will ya?

Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo.

[BELCHES LOUDLY]

Gesundheit.

Come on,

take this bottle,

into bed you go,

no squawking.

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Oh, I'm afraid to look.

Get up off there.

Where's the kid?

Get up.

It's a good thing

you didn't bust that doll

or I'd have

busted your skull.

Oh! Oh.

Why, you nitwit, you.

Oh!

Ah, leave him alone.

Butt out of this,

porcupine.

Oh!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

♪ Come in ♪

The landlady.

So,

it was you who stole

my daughter's dolls.

We didn't hurt them,

we was just trying to--

Listen,

you no-good loafers,

you're way behind

in your rent.

And if you don't pay me,

out you go.

Now, take it easy,

Mrs. Crump,

we'll give you

every dime we owe you.

We're taking a course

on how to be baby-sitters.

MRS. CRUMP: Hm.

See?

"Baby-sitter."

You have friends.

Maybe you can

recommend us to baby-sit.

That's an idea. Yes.

But I'll collect

the money, understand?

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Definitely. Don't worry,

we'll give you every cent.

See that you do.

Yeah.

ALL:

Ah!

Ah, yourselves.

Ah!

[BARKS]

[BOTH BARKING]

Hey,

bloodhounds,

we gotta

get back there,

continue our lesson

on baby-sitting.

[BOTH BARKING]

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Come on.

[LAUGHING]

This is the place.

Boy, this is some joint.

I wish I had a house

like this.

Boy, would I get--

Oh!

Oh, get away

from here.

How do you do?

We're the baby-sitters.

I hope

that's the baby.

Some baby.

Ooh.

Well,

this is rather unexpected.

But come in.

Watch yourself.

Now, boys, I--

[GASPS]

[COOING]

Ah.

Oh.

Goodness, I must have

dropped this in the crib

when I ran

to answer the door.

But--

[ALL SHOUTING]

[GIGGLES]

Don't be frightened,

boys,

it isn't loaded yet.

Oh.

I keep it handy

because I'm afraid

a certain party

might try to kidnap Junior.

As a matter of fact, that's why

I have the crib in this room.

Well, nobody's gonna kidnap him,

not with us around.

Oh, that's why Mrs. Crump

sent the three of you.

Uh-huh. We work

as a unit.

Yeah, we're unitarians.

[CHUCKLING]

Quiet.

Oh. Oh, oh.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

My goodness,

I must hurry.

I'll probably

be home very late,

so take good care

of Junior.

Bye-bye, darling.

JUNIOR:

Good night, Mommy.

Make yourselves

at home, boys. Good night.

Thank you.

Good night.

That's a nice kid.

I'll take care

of Junior.

Larry, you rustle up

some toys.

You go find the kitchen

to see if there's any grub,

and remember--

Look out with that pistol,

will ya?

It ain't loaded,

see for yourself, you nitwit.

What are you doing?

[GUN COCKING]

Ow.

I'll go.

I'll kick you right--

[JUNIOR CRYING]

Oh. Oh, oh.

What are you squawking about?

I'm the guy that got it.

[CRYING]

Hey, Shemp, hey, Larry.

What's the matter?

See if you can

quiet that kid,

he's driving me nuts.

Come here.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

A-coochie-coochie--

[CRUNCHING]

Ow.

You bit me.

Did you bring

the instruction book with you?

Yeah, here,

read it.

You know

I can't read good.

[JUNIOR CONTINUES TO CRY]

Okay.

Let me see.

Here it is,

crying babies.

"If the child's crying persists,

"something must be done

to attract his attention.

"A good way to do this

is to have some adult

"stand on his head--"

Oh, if we could

only find an adult.

"This generally changes

the crying infant

into a laughing dolly."

Okay, bud,

you're elected.

Eureka.

You don't smell

so good, either.

Oh! Oh.

Now, get going.

Coochie--

Step aside.

Watch me, kid,

watch me.

I'm an old circus man.

Hey, kid,

watch me!

Hey, kid, watch me.

Yoo-hoo.

[LAUGHING]

It worked.

Help me down,

I'm losing my balance.

Oh!

Easy, kid,

we'll have you.

There you are,

easy there.

We're proud of you.

That was great work.

[LAUGHING]

[LOUD CLANGING]

Oh, uh, I was passing by,

a drawer was open,

and my sleeve got caught

on the-- On the drawer.

Oh, I see. Pardon me.

[LOUD CLATTERING]

Why, you nitwit, you.

I told you to find the kitchen,

not steal it.

Pick up that stuff.

Oh, oh! Oh, oh.

[LAUGHING]

I fooled him

that time.

[LAUGHS]

I fooled him again.

Shempy?

Yessy?

Get out, you.

Oh!

Oh, you sap.

You couldn't

fool me that way.

No, you're too much

of an ignoramus.

Yeah, and that goes

for the whole family too.

Yeah. See that?

What?

Go over there

and watch the kid.

Go ahead.

Pick up that stuff

and put it in the drawer here.

Look at that.

And I just happen to have

a nipple with me.

See? So you can have it.

Now-- Now, not every kid

can get this.

Now, there it is.

Now, take it easy.

And there. Now, hold it.

[SUCKLING]

Hey, take it easy,

you'll drown yourself.

Hey, fellas?

I think I got something

that'll keep

the little brat quiet.

[JUNIOR LAUGHS]

Oh.

Never mind.

He's got something

that'll keep me quiet.

[LAUGHING]

Boy,

that kid's vicious.

Forget it,

I'm hungry.

So am I.

When do we eat?

Right now.

The lady said

we should

make ourselves at home.

Hey, I saw a package of

consummated soup in the kitchen.

I'll fix it.

Good. Hurry up.

Now that you mention it,

I'm starving.

Me too.

Fruit.

Oh, nuts.

Hey. Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

I hate the stuff

under these things.

Yeah.

[HUMMING]

"Fee-likes fay-mouse

consumate-treated

soup."

[CHUCKLES]

That's it.

Yes, sir.

Oh, let's see now, um,

oh, yes.

"Saggie."

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

That's it,

a little saggie.

Now, um,

"caninny."

That should be good.

A little--

What, no pits in there?

Oh, that's all right.

And, ah, what's this?

"Moostar."

That won't come out.

That will go in there like that.

Some, ah, gloves.

[CHUCKLES]

Gloves, how do you--?

Oh, little gloves.

And, um...

Bacon pood-- Poo-- Powder.

Powdered bacon.

What'll they think of next?

[CHUCKLES]

[CRYING]

Shh.

Hey, chef.

All right, I'm coming.

What's the matter?

He's crying again.

Do your stuff.

Okay, watch me kid.

Watch me.

Watch him.

Get out of the kid's way.

Yoo-hoo.

[JUNIOR LAUGHS]

SHEMP:

Here I am again.

It worked.

Moe.

Larry, get me down.

I'm stuck again.

Okay, here, come on.

Easy now.

Nice going.

It worked again.

[BELL RINGING]

Uh,

do you hear a bell ringing?

Yes.

That's my head from standing

on it too much.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

[TICKING]

What's that?

A clock.

What does

a clock say?

Tick, tick, tick, tick--

Hey, come here.

Oh, oh, oh.

What's the matter

with that soup?

It should be ready by now.

Larry, go get the soup.

That's an order.

Aye-aye, captain.

Oh!

You know, uh, there's a thousand

reasons why I shouldn't drink.

No kidding.

Yep, a thousand reasons but

I can't think of one right now.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Say, did you ever see

how they launch a ship?

No, how?

That's how.

[GROANS]

What's the matter with you?

I'm seasick.

LARRY: Hot soup.

Come and get it.

Bring it right here.

Oh, boy.

[JUNIOR COOS]

Oh-ho.

Ahh.

SHEMP:

Oh.

[MOE SLURPING]

Agh.

Tastes like a dead horse.

You know, if I hadn't

made this myself

I'd swear there was

a little soap in it.

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

[GROANS]

Oh.

[GROANS]

Ahh.

[ALL GROANING]

Oh, Moe.

LARRY:

What's in that soup?

SHEMP:

Too bad.

[JUNIOR GIGGLES]

Ahh...

Ah, boom.

[MEN SNORING]

[GASPS]

Gentlemen.

Where?

Who?

The door was open.

What happened?

Where's baby?

He was sleeping

here with me.

Maybe he's between

the spring and the mattress.

He's gone.

Oh, this is the work

of my husband.

He's stolen my baby.

What's his name?

George Lloyd.

He lives at the Folger

Apartments, 212, 10th street.

We'll go there.

We'll have him back in no time.

[SOBBING]

Please, find my baby.

Well, calm yourself, madam.

I don't know what I'll--

There's nothing

to get excited about.

I know what the kid

looks like.

Watch me. Watch what I'm doing.

Hey, lady, watch me.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGH]

Hey, fellas, she forgot to give

us the apartment number.

We'll find it.

Shemp,

peek under that door.

Larry, come on.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, my--

Oh, my eye.

[YELLS]

Oh, oh. Moe. Larry.

[WHINING]

What's the matter,

baby face?

There's something fishy

going on in there.

Stand aside. I'll straighten

everything out.

Boost me up to that transom.

Right.

Up you go. Heave-ho.

Oh.

Why...

Oh, you framed me, eh?

No, Moe, no.

Ow!

You gonna start that again?

Wait a minute.

Pick on somebody your size.

You want me to pick

on you?

Yeah,

I want you to pick on me.

Ahh.

I knew I'd--

Whoa.

[GROANS]

What's the matter

with you?

You out of your mind?

Junior.

Wait a minute.

That's my son.

You fellas can't come

and take him away.

He belongs to his mother

and we're responsible.

You're not gonna take him.

Oh!

[JUNIOR LAUGHS]

Now, look here, mister.

We were hired to guard this--

Oh-oh-oh.

As far as we're concerned--

Ah! Ah! Oh!

Oh!

[ALL GROANING]

Ah, Junior.

[LAUGHING]

Why--

[EXHALES]

Listen, we're gonna

take that kid.

And nobody's gonna stop us,

see?

I guess you told him.

You said it.

You told him.

Boys.

Yes?

Oh.

Oh, a wise guy,

eh? Why...

That's all I'm doing

with you, kid.

A little too quick for you,

huh?

[CHUCKLES]

[JUNIOR CRYING]

All right-- Hold it.

That's okay.

Don't cry, kid. Watch me.

[JUNIOR LAUGHS]

You like that, eh, kid?

Okay, let's go.

[GRUNTS]

Baby.

[SIGHS]

George.

Darling.

BOTH:

Ohh.

GEORGE:

What fools we've been.

Flypaper.

Ooh.

Oh, Moe,

wait a minute.

I didn't mean-- Let's see.

Get it off.

Yeah.

Why...

Oh!

Knock your head in for you--

[SIGHS]

I wanna thank you.

You're the means of bringing

us together again.

[SOBBING]

I'm so happy.

Don't, lady,

you're making me cry.

[SOBBING]

I can't help it. I--

Mama, look.

Mommy.

[SHEMP LAUGHING]

[WHIMPERS]

[♪]

Baby Sitters Jitters (1951) - full transcript